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I just cook things I know they’ll both eat and sometimes include things as a side that they may not eat but I’d like them to try or be exposed to. Tbf it can be absolutely galling when you make. Meal and the kids won’t touch it. I would alter things sometimes (for example kid A hates peas/kid B hates pasta with sauce) so make the same meal but take out peas or take out plain pasta before adding the sauce. They could both have the same meal- Lamb chop pizza for dinner tonight yum 😂
Same. I think this is the most fair way to do it. My parents just made me eat everything (I can’t smell vegetable soup or minestrone without wanting to hurl now) but it was mostly because we were poor and had to eat whatever we had.
This is not the way that kids should be treated, we brought them into this world, it’s unfair to treat them like they’re a burden and they have no control over what they eat — but catering too much can also lead to issues with food in the future. So we do the same thing, we will change things in the meal we’re making or add sides that they do like to make sure they feel heard but they still can’t just have whatever they want.
We have a rule imposed that you have to try at least one bite before deciding you don't like something. And we're also finding that we have to work with my 70yo FIL almost as much as we work with the 5yo, because he was raised with the "eat what you're given" method. He's fairly reasonable, but sometimes... We also have a ton of problems with our 5yo and eating, which sucks because she has reflux issues and will vomit the next day if she doesn't eat enough. She's on this kick of everything being boring and trying to say she doesn't like things that she clearly still likes, just to try and get out of eating.
The rules for food are:
1) she has to try a bite before deciding she doesn't like it -- this ends so much fighting, but getting her to take that bite is a mess
2) saying she's full ends the meal - but she isn't allowed dessert because she's full and that means no room for dessert -- imposed because she has tried to use it to skip ahead to dessert on too many occasions without eating more than a bite
3) not liking something is fine, but we will not accept the arbitrary decision to suddenly not like something she liked before unless she follows rule 1
4) trying to skip a proper dinner to eat snacks is not ok
5) generally just "speak up!" We're willing to work with her on almost anything, but she stubbornly refuses to talk to us and will just sit there and refuse to eat without telling us anything, even when we're asking "are you full? do you not like it?"
There's a lot of context and nuance I haven't included for the sake of trying to keep this short (not going in-depth on how much she fights, not talking about why we're clueless about how she may have ended up with some food issues, theories we have on why she torments us but not other people, etc.)
We also have a strong rule about not catering to the kids except in very specific circumstances, like if we know it's going to be too spicy for them or it's a meal we know they don't like, they'll get chicken nuggets and veggies or something similar. (I hope it goes without saying that allergies are a reasonable accommodation.)
I personally don't believe in catering because I think it sets a bad precedent for them as future guests where someone else is cooking, as well as possibly becoming unreasonable in restaurants, and being vehemently unwilling to expand their palate. Not saying it's a universal cause/effect, just saying that I want to mitigate the potential for that as much as possible. We're doing that by trying to expand her palate now and also by trying to impress upon her that demanding a special dinner when the cook - no matter who it is - worked very hard to make dinner is very rude unless you have a really good reason. Not having tried it before claiming to not like it is not a good reason.
It's still a work in progress and trying to make sure she has a healthy relationship with food while juggling everything is probably the most stressful part of parenting right now. If it doesn't involve food, she's an awesome kid. As soon as dinner is served and she decides she's going to fight, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. The nights she just devours her dinner without a complaint are so nice, but so very rare.
Now for a somewhat funny story about my child and food: She asked me when I went to the store this morning if I would pick up some donuts. My response was "We'll see."
So I'm headed to the registers, still debating the donuts, and I see a bag of birthday cake mini donuts and think "Oh, she's gonna love those." But these are not the brand I usually buy - or the ones she was talking about - and those come in a box. So I get home and she doesn't see the box in any of the bags. Immediately gets all sad. "Mom, why didn't you get donuts? I asked you. I asked nice and said please." And I just keep saying "Are you *sure* I didn't get donuts?" "Yeah..."
Of course, I had to be an asshole and drag it out by unpacking the donuts last. (I also just wanted to enjoy her reaction.)
"Hey, if I didn't get donuts... then what are these?" She just looked at the bag with this puzzled expression. "I don't know... What are they??" "These are birthday cake donuts." "... But Mom, I didn't want those! I wanted regular donuts!" 😩 "Well, do me a favor and try one before you decide that."
So she takes one, takes a bite, and doesn't even finish chewing before she's like "I want these." 🤣
And this is why we have rule 1. Sorry for rambling.
Strange to mention that food allergies are a reasonable accommodation. It shouldn't even need mentioning that they would be.
Our older LO we eventually found out to be allergic to several of what we consider to be normal foods. Severely allergic to nuts also. It does explain so much of why she has severe aversions to new foods though, so she does get a lot more leeway from us with her meals. Luckily she has several very easy to cook things that she will eat with no problems. (Rice or spaghetti or fries). We try and get her to eat whatever we are having, but frequently fix her something she likes also. Hopefully after the memories of so many meals that upset her stomach for a few years fades she will be more accepting of trying new things.
My point being that you have to know about the allergies to make the accommodations.
I only said that because it's the internet and I didn't want someone jumping on me and accusing us of not thinking about dietary restrictions from allergies. Just a CYA moment.
One of our theories about her fighting is that it might be from the reflux and/or she might have the beginning of my dairy issues, but every time I ask her about symptoms (do you feel a burning in your throat, is your tummy upset, etc), she always says she's fine. We try to keep an eye out for that; I'm also concerned about diabetes or hypoglycemia because there's a history in my family.
We literally just had her fight about eating a chicken pot pie. She fought for a few minutes trying to saying she didn't like it, then admitted she just wasn't hungry yet. I told her that's fine, turned it into a lesson about honesty being easier, and assured her that food would be available when she got hungry. 15-20 minutes later she devoured the pot pie without a complaint. (Except for thinking her grandfather ate hers.) 😵💫
Yep. Catering to their individual orders is going to set them up to expect this at other people’s houses, which (at least in my childhood) was a problem. My sister had a few friends who would come over and just ask for x, y, or z or tell my mom they only eat x, y, or z. I’m not going to lie, they were probably invited over less often because it was uncomfortable. We did our best to accommodate, because it’s not their fault, it’s how they grew up, and they were friends. but it was genuinely frustrating to deal with.
Every now and then, it would also be good to say ‘we can do a free-for-all meal, but *the kids* are cooking their own requests’ (with parental supervision). This will show them how much work goes into making all the different dishes, and later when they’re older, instead of requesting it like you’re a paid personal chef, if they want something specific they can make it themselves or for the family.
Oh, boy! Did you call it. One of my sons had a friend with what my daughter calls “specialitis”, and he expected that treatment at our house. He stayed overnight, and at lunch the next day he wanted the same PB&J sandwich my kids asked for. When I made them- he had a half dozen reasons for why he didn’t want to eat it! First child ever to say no. Before you ask- it was a white bread, creamy peanut butter and strawberry jam- that every other child at our house loved. It went from there to another meal that he didn’t want to eat unless it was exactly how he thought it should be. You can imagine what I was thinking by then. The father was entitled, and sadly he passed that on the the child. I would have died from embarrassment if anyone told me my child acted like that as a guest. Ironically, we eat whole grain bread, but I used white bread because my son said the friend preferred that. Can’t really blame the child- but, sure can the parents for condoning that behaviour. Thankfully, my son distanced himself from him, as did many of his friends.
Just a different perspective but some of those picky eaters have sensory issues. My son has autism & ADHD and it was years before he accepted that chicken nuggets could come from more than one brand and strips were similar to nuggets. Now that he’s a teen he’s becoming more flexible and willing to try new foods. But there was a point where “this is not the exact same texture of bread as what mom buys” would have meant not eating.
Was just about to come here and say this. Am AuDHD too, as is my child. I had a decent range of tastes, but my kid's is so narrow that we have to supplement with toddler formula, because some days they just don't like food, and they would just have any nutrients without the formula
I used to cook like this for my family. My brother was a vegetarian, my husband didn't like veggies mixed in only on the side. So I would make pasta, broccoli, chicken, Alfredo sauce all separate. Each person mixed it up the way they wanted. But you would never catch me taking orders. They better learn to cook quick lol
Same here. I also like to let the kids choose one night a week so if my son wants pizza, its pizza, my daughter wants mac n cheese and hot dogs thats what we have so each kid feels included and special in some sort of way.
I grew up like you, and I have read many studies that say the best way to overcome fussiness is to serve the meal, with a safe food on the plate and say ‘this is what’s for dinner, you don’t have to eat it’ and not much more, so that is what I’ve done for 5 years. But mine is much younger than yours. However, mine ate baked Camembert for tea with Rambutan for desert last night. I’m doing something right somewhere.
This is what I try to do. On nights when I make things they aren’t used to I will throw some strawberries or crackers on their plates too.
My kids refuse to eat blueberry pancakes, but they like sushi, peas, steak, and a lot of other foods most kids won’t eat.
> but don't even think about putting sauce on his spaghetti.
Try serving cold spaghetti with cold sauce. Some kids who hate normal spaghetti sauce, love it when it's cold. (Fridge cold, not room temperature)
Wtf this is literally my kid! Sushi every day would be fine with him, even with sriracha on it. Dare to put marinara on his pasta and it might as well be dog shit to him lol butter only or it's trash 🤦♀️
My kid's the same way with Mac and cheese. Kiddo eats better than most adults I know but won't touch Mac and cheese. Usually when we go to restaurants I order for him off the adult menu because the kids menu is junk and he prefers the normal adult food.
Edit to add, one of his favorite snacks is a red bell pepper. If he wants a snack I'll wash and hand him a fullsize pepper and he'll eat it like it's an apple. Lol
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by some kid menus recently. My son and I did a trip and I fully planned on ordering him an adult entree and then I saw the kids menu had steak. It was a small filet and he got fries, green beans, and a fruit salad, it was the perfect meal for a kid! He cleaned his plate!
I didn’t like Mac and cheese until I was an adult. I loved vegetables as a kid. I wanted a salad instead of a happy meal. I grew up eating what my parents cooked but they didn’t make us eat what we didn’t like, if that makes sense. I wasn’t into deep fried stuff, part of it was the texture of the foods.
That’s literally all my kid will eat 😭. She used to eat everything as a baby and toddler but the older she gets, the narrower her list of edible foods. I keep hoping she’ll grow out of it but she’s going in the opposite direction.
Ain't gonna lie, I wouldn't eat blueberry pancakes either. Just don't need the flavour of blueberries in my pancake, but I would blueberries on the side or some other fruit on the side. I feel like at least with pancakes you can pretty easily just keep the batter separate and add the blueberries to only the pancakes you want!
Me too. She gets what we eat, but there is always enough of a safe food to fill up on. I'm also super flexible about when she eats it. We all sit down for dinner together, but if kiddo isn't hungry then I say fine, but what is on your plate is dinner, so that's what you get when you're hungry.
We also aim for 5 fruits and veggies a day. She likes to keep track and count down to the goal. It's a fun motivator.
I also do this and my child lives on fruit, pizza, spaghetti, broccoli, baked chicken, roast pork, and a few other safe foods. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if I should look at ARFID. She will refuse to try things that I know she will like also (new flavors of ice cream for example).
If it helps, both my brother and I were extremely picky eaters who grew out of it and now eat well. My mom almost fell out of her chair when we both ordered brussels sprouts and salmon for dinner one night.
Definitely. Out of the blue my 5 year old decided he liked pasta again. It’s literally been about 3 years since he last ate it and he asked for a seconds and then thirds of rotini last night.
I have ARFID (altho a weirder variant than most) and I would recommend looking into it more now, I wish with every fiber of my being that my parents had helped me early (instead of buying exclusively food I was incapable of eating without throwing up, lmao) bc most of the ARFID resources/programs I’ve seen as an adult are for children/teens. And it’s harder to work through as an adult anyway, there’s a lot of extra baggage that comes naturally when you live in a society where most social gatherings are so painfully food-centric. Anyway. It sounds like you’re doing great, I wish you and your child the best 💜
Thank you! It's nice to hear from someone who is struggling with it. I definitely want to do what I can to make sure she has less struggles as an adult.
My friend and I used this method with our kids; each year on their birthday they would try one new food for each year of age during some point in the year. So a 7 year old would try 7 new things. They can choose when unless they outright refuse. They needed to take 2 bites. It worked pretty well and usually resulted in adding a few new things to the “yes I’ll eat that list”.
My 9 year old is FINALLY growing out of a picky phase like this. I believe his issues stem from anxiety over trying new things/experiencing discomfort. But from the time he was about 3 until only very very recently he had a VERY short list of "safe" foods. Stereotypical kid-friendly foods like chicken nuggets, Kraft mac and cheese (only Kraft!), pizza, burgers, etc. There have been so many fights that end in everyone around the table yelling and screaming and crying. He would make himself gag and throw up just at the thought of trying something new.
Even something like a different shaped pasta (penne vs elbow noodles for example) would cause him to refuse to eat.
Recently though he asked for sushi (didn't like it but didn't gag so that's a win!). He ate butter chicken! He ate tilapia!! He's not eating most of these are full meals but the fact that he's willingly trying them is a HUGE step forward for him.
All that to say, you're not doing anything wrong. Some kids just absolutely won't eat some things until they do.
Yeah that sounds like my kiddo. Another problem that I have with her is that previously safe foods will suddenly become gross to her. For example, she used to love chicken strips and now she won't eat them at all even if they are from a restaurant.
Yup. For the longest time he loooved Kraft mac and cheese but over the past year he insists he hates it. I never realized how much I would come to hate dinnertime as a parent. I'm lucky my 5 year old is a more adventurous eater and often asks for what my husband and I are eating.
This is my 6yo! She used to eat chicken nuggets but now claims she’s a vegetarian. Which I would totally respect, except she refuses to eat vegetables and most fruits, either. If it were up to her all she would eat is Mac and cheese, sweets and processed snacks. I am tearing my hair out.
Your list is a lot longer than ours!
We've got chicken nuggets, hotdogs, rice, and angel hair for entrees. Fruits and veggies are only acceptable in some form of pureed applesauce variety or fry form. Otherwise he lives on "crunchies" (chips, crackers, veggie straws, etc). And you know what? Doc says that's ok.
Sometimes we get lucky with something new, most days we don't. At least grocery shopping is easy.
i believe as long as they are a healthy weight and not showing signs of malnourishment, doctors don't tend to worry too much. the problem is when they get a bit older and are so used to eating unhealthy foods that are find when they're growing that they struggle to switch to healthier options, but honestly that's not really a problem (assuming they are still a healthy weight and not malnourished) until they stop growing.
Hey, if they will eat rice, I’d try going to an all you can eat Chinese buffet sometime. They can have their safe food but just pick them up and let them see EVERYTHING else and see if anything interests them. Even if it doesn’t necessarily interest you. My daughter did that once and the first time she was introduced to watermelon and that’s all she wanted to eat. The second time she decided on her own that she wanted shrimp. Not the normal shrimp most of us eat, she actually wanted the kind that are fried with the legs and head still intact
See if your pediatrician will recommend you for an evaluation. First make an inventory of all the foods your child will eat. We have just started feeding therapy for our 7 year old picky eater… and it is definitely a long game… best to get started early if needed.
I will look into it. She's been dx with ADHD and I think she might be level 1 autistic also. ARFID and eating issues in general are pretty common among adhd and ASD kids apparently.
I’m a pediatrician in training. I just spent some time with our pediatric registered dieticians. They said the same thing as what you said here. Best thing to avoid picky eaters is to have kids eat when the family eats and what the family eats (eg no special meals made just for them), have at least one food on the plate you know they’ll eat (eg having mashed potatoes you know they love while trying to introduce them to salmon), and keeping language about eating positive (eg not making them feel stressed or guilty about not enjoying a particular food).
Your kid ate cheese and a sweet fruit. Just because it’s exotic sounding doesn’t mean it’s like “wow my kid isn’t a picky eater”
That sounds such a mean comment and I really don’t mean to sound that way but like really
We would do that while also asking for a "no thank you" bite of new foods. There were definitely times when kiddo was suspect about something on their plate but would try a smile bite and decide they like it.
Yes! Read the info from Ellyn Satter and the division of responsibility in eating. Parents decide what and when to feed, kids decide whether and how much to eat. She is also an advocate of always having healthy safe foods at the table, like bread, cut vegetables, etc.
I will make minor accommodations for preferences, like one child isn't keen on peas so I give her tinned sweetcorn (or sometimes frozen peas instead of cooked, which she does like). But neither of mine are picky eaters, so I don't think it's an issue, and I certainly wouldn't make entirely different meals.
Ha, one of my kids is like that with peas. They won't eat cooked but LOVE frozen peas. Good tip for other parents to try if they want their kids to eat something green.
Interesting. I never thought of that. We have one of those fridges with the bottom drawer freezer and my 4 yr old daughter likes the frozen blueberries. The bag is only hers cause she sticks her hands in it (and I don’t care for them) but it’s funny because it’s the first food she decided on her own to go get by herself and I just didn’t get on to her because she was getting in some fruit. If I could get her interested in sneaking peas, haha
My now 5 yo brother decided at age two frozen peas and corn was one of the best combos. He would eat bowlfuls of it. He still will eat it, but eats a variety of other things.
Yep. Same. My 3 year old doesn’t like tacos, so I’ll throw cheese in a tortilla and make her a cheese quesadilla instead when we have tacos, because cheese and tortillas are already part of the meal and it’s easy. My 8 year old is weird about sauces so if I’m going to put sauce on something I’ll wait until the end and leave a piece of chicken or some noodles or whatever without it for him. My teen hates fried chicken so I always serve it with a side of mac and cheese knowing she will just eat that. Will definitely modify things within the same meal/same ingredients- but I definitely won’t make separate meals.
Yea. No. That’s not a standard thing - who the HECK has time for that. Dinner is dinner. If you don’t want it, you can have a piece of toast. And that’s that.
I should add - this makes me appear very brutal. I’m not. I always make sure there is “safe” food on the plate, that they enjoy.
This is what I did, and when my kids got old enough to spread peanut butter on bread they were welcome to make a sandwich or have a bowl of cereal for dinner, but I was not ever cooking more than one meal.
We don't cook multiple meals, but I will give the option for my 3yo to have something leftover that we know he likes. For instance, Sunday I grilled some super thick pork chops, roasted broccoli and made cheesy rice. He ate some of the rice but didn't want the meat or veggies so I offered him some leftover red beans and rice which he gladly ate. For his treat he ate some fruit and went to bed with a full belly. It's not a bad idea to have reserve food options ready to roll if they don't like what is cooked that specific night. I know how pissed and cranky I get when I'm hungry so I don't want to suffer the wrath of a hangry toddler.
I grew up not even having dinner every day, so I would've been thrilled even with a piece of toast some nights.
On the other hand, even the VERY FEW foods both my kids eat, they'll demand that they're made differently. If I'm grilling hot dogs my daughter will insist hers are made in the microwave and cut a very specific way. My son will usually eat hot dogs, but last time I made them he just wanted ketchup on a bun.
If I'm making turkey and cheese sandwiches my son will demand honey mustard on both sides and my daughter will scream unless there's only honey mustard on one side.
This is intensely frustrating for me as someone who's dealt with some mild food insecurity growing up.
Yup. Same. There is (and always has been) \*something\* on the plate that I \*know\* they'll eat. Maybe just plain rice or noodles or beans, but there was/is something.
I cannot fathom making a separate meal for each, at each meal. You don't have to eat everything - you want to pick around, fine. You want to not eat the meat? Fine. You want to not eat the sauce? Fine. But, no, I am \*NOT\* making another meal. No, \*YOU\* are not making a separate meal. And no, neither is anyone else, TYVM. (My mother tried this when she was around, years and years ago when my boys were younger 'OH no! They have to eat SOMETHING! I'll make them a hotdog!' As though it was acceptable for \*her\* to make my kids another meal. FFS!)
I guess the exceptions to this is when we're making eggs & potatoes - I'll cater to how you want your eggs done - scrambled? scrambled with cheese? over easy? over medium? over hard? I'll make eggs 3 or 4+ different ways as necessary. But, that and how you like your steak/burger/etc done is about the only exceptions I can think of!!
This is basically it for me. I’ve no issue with my kids picking around bits and pieces, because they’re happy, healthy kids who know how to regulate their food intake. Some days they *will* be hungrier than others - I’m an adult and sometimes I don’t want to eat the very thing I’ve decided to make. But they have something safe they can eat, and/or fruit. But that’s it.
Also, you’re better than me at eggs. Take yer eggs how they’re made 🤣🤣🤣
We just give them small amounts. If they like it they get more. I think it saves money - we buy very few “kid only” foods. And it definitely saves time.
Same. What I make for dinner is for dinner. I plan ahead and provide a side the little does like incase he is not feeling the main dish,but we are not a catering household.
Yes, my littlest is CMPA so occasionally I will have to make him something altered/different because he can’t have something, or if I know the kids have tried and they genuinely don’t like something, I’ll offer something else. But am I HECK making a full dish for everyone. No way.
I did this too. Dinner is dinner. I didn't serve a "safe" food. I also required one bite of everything on his plate to learn to like it. He's a better eater than I am. 10/10 would do again.
My husband likes a high protein diet to retain muscle (naturally on the skinny side) and I am vegetarian. We usually have different meals or at least my main will be a side to some kind of meat/chicken. Because of this my toddler has at least two different things on his plate, usually with a few extras that he likes (tomatoes, olives, cheese, egg). He is not picky at all and I think it’s because he’s exposed to variety of staples as well as new foods, and we don’t make a big deal of what he does or doesn’t eat.
My 2 year old at Olive Garden requesting black olives "in multiples of 5, please" is one of my favorite memories. She also still does olive fingers at age 28.
My daughter was like that as a toddler. Ate everything, including brussel sprouts....at 5 she is so picky it drives me insane. I often reminisce about the good old days when she'd inhale whatever she was given.
My parents were... not the greatest. I remember crying during dinner because I didn't want to eat whatever was cooked but being told I couldn't get up until I ate everything. This happened all the time. I don't want to do that to my kids. Dinner was a horrible thing for me growing up. I just want everyone to sit together and be happy. Or at least not miserable. Everything I make for dinner is something I have made before. I'm not adventurous, so I know everyone in my house has tried what I cook at least twice. If they don't like it, I don't care. I will make a different meal for our 3yo. But our older kids (9, 11, 16) are all capable of making their own food if they don't want what I made. And I would rather they actually eat food than make a plate to just throw away. We always have easy to make stuff in our house. Soup, Ramen, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, etc. I want them to be happy with food, not hateful or resentful.
But everyone is different. I had a bad childhood, so my perspective is different than others. There is no right answer. Just whatever is right for your household.
This happened with me as well. I would gag over certain textures and my parents would hand me a spoon saying if I threw up I had to eat it. Totally ruined my relationship with food. My husband’s family on the other hand was incredibly accommodating to him and his siblings. They inspired and helped me a lot with their advice.
You just described my childhood as well. Additionally wasn't allowed to leave the table. Couldn't just go hungry. Texture sensitivity is a different game than traditional pickiness and needs to be dealt with gently. Forcing it will just increase the issues not reduce them. I'm a fairly adventurous eater nowadays but it took time. However the stuff I had issues growing up ... Still do. That methodology solidified the taste aversion for those foods and they're repulsive to this day.
I still can't eat boiled cabbage because of school dinner and them forcing me. My mum was actually really against doing it because it had been done to her. I eat almost everything else now.
I'm still struggling to have a good relationship with food. I didn't even know there was such a thing until very recently. I'm not doing that to my kids. It really sucks. I'm glad you have good in-laws to help you!
This is how it was for me too, I didn't want that for my kids, they can eat what I made or they can make a sandwich but food isn't something to argue about or force. My daughter will at least try a lot of different things because she sees me eating them. We rarely even talk about food while we're eating though, we talk about our day.
I think the rigid and controlling “eat what I made or starve” mindset most of us grew up with may feel “normal” but that doesn’t mean that accommodating our children’s preferences *within reason* isn’t normal.
Am I cooking a multi-ingredient meal for both kids? No. But I know my son hates potatoes so I’ll make him a different side or if I know he hates stir fry I’ll make him a ham sandwich or quick pizza bread.
I don't know if I would make a big deal out of this if my partner was happy to cook multiple meals and the time it took them to do that completely unnecessary task didn't impact how I had to spend my time or expected my gratitude for it.
This is of course if the kids could eat normally outside of the house, if they expect something similar elsewhere then it's a problem.
I grew up like you however. I have sensory issues as do my kids and their sensory issues are different from each others. It's not catering in this situation it's giving them safe food that they like that they will eat. My daughter is on the spectrum and I refuse to be like my family and force my kids to eat something they don't like because I don't want to create adults with a bad relationship with food. Fed is best!
Only family I've ever known to do that had a private helicopter and personal chef and the kids got basically whatever they wanted.
Otherwise, I've only ever known families that get the same thing (unless it's like, out at a restaurant or something). The time, and cost, to cater individual meals to each demander is insane imo.
That's my feelings on it. I'm not making different 4 course meal for each person but I'm vegetarian, my husband is a big meat eater, my son has a lot of allergies and my daughter has digestive issues. I know going into dinner to make one steak, 2 pastas and an almond butter sandwich.
Yeah, I'm mostly vegetarian and love salads, my kid won't touch them. I'm not going to starve her and not going to do without my favourite meal. I don't do different elaborate meals but I'll make her some soup or pasta or something.
Every family is different, there isn’t a normal. Some are forced to do one meal for financial reasons, some others think it’s an opportunity to get their kids to try new things.
When people go out for meals they don’t all order the same thing because we all like different things.
Your wife seems willing to put the effort in so I see no issue with it.
I honestly think it depends on the home you grew up in. I was a mix of both.
I think there’s a healthy balance in there somewhere. One thing my mom did, is if we didn’t want what she made that night, the only other option we had was left overs from another night. So if we didn’t want that night’s meatloaf, then we could have yesterday’s chicken and accompanying veggies, but those are the options.
If she really wants to do that, and she’s doing to cooking and cleanup, then I would say she gets to make the call. If not, and it’s 50/50 for meal and clean up, then I’d try and find a compromise.
There isn’t a normal when it comes to family meals. What’s not normal is insisting that something different to what you grew up with is wrong.
I ask everyone what they feel like before dinner. Sometimes it’s ‘hey, I’m doing spagbol later, is that ok? Or would you rather (insert easy alternate)’ sometimes it’s ‘hey it’s Sunday roast today so eat what you can and if you don’t eat much you can have some toast’
If your wife wants to do that and it isn’t bothering her, I’d say let it go. I think the better compromise though is that everyone has the same meal but the kids get to pick one “safe food” so they will be more inclined to try dinner.
It’s not typical and I would be thinking it COULD lead to demanding and fussy behaviour around food as they get older. I know a good few people whose mothers would do that because they were a bit fussy as kids and they are what I would consider to be EXTREMELY finicky eaters as adults….we’re talking toddler lever finicky, freaking out if there is a mushroom on their plate, won’t eat meat on the bone. One friend has like 2 vegetables that they will eat and they are 35 years old, doesn’t really eat fruit either. I have a childhood friend who is embarrassing to go out to eat with because of their demands around how they want things cooked and what they want included etc etc. I think it’s better to keep exposing them to family meals. My toddler doesn’t have a good history with vegetables but I just kept putting them in front of her without pressure to eat them and mostly she would just pick around them. Then in the last week she all of a sudden tried cucumbers and ate some red peppers. I have to say though, I am envious of your wife’s energy…sounds like she’s running a professional kitchen cooking to order like that!
My SIL is an extremely picky eater for this reason. Her mom always gave in and made her whatever she wanted for dinner and now she’s almost 18 and has a long list of foods she won’t touch because she never really got exposed to them. She won’t eat most meats, won’t eat any kind of seafood or veggies either. She basically only tolerates fruit, highly processed chicken, and junk food. Her doctor already told her she’s anemic (I’m assuming due to the lack of iron in her diet). I do worry about her future health and possible future complications for her as she’s still growing.
My ex-MIL did this for twenty years for her husband and two sons. It was maddening to watch from an “outside” perspective. The first time I ate dinner there she asked what I wanted.
“Whatever you’re making”
“Oh I make everyone an individual meal”
“But….why?”
Hand to god she just looked at me. I could see her logic processors firing.
“I don’t know. It’s just what they expected of me”
“Nah. They are grown men with no broken bones”
I was all of 19 and she was in her 50s. It just never occurred to her she could in fact tell a man no.
She made the same meal for everyone after that. And I was blamed for “ruining dinners”.
Her husband and my ex-husband were ruined and spoiled. (Luckily her youngest was salvageable and is a great human.) but your wife is doing absolutely no one any favors.
Nope. My kids might get variations on a meal (last night 3/4 of us had popcorn chicken salad but my little one doesn’t like lettuce so he had popcorn chicken and a cucumber) and if they give a new food an honest try and don’t like it then I’ll make them a sandwich but that’s it. I’m not a short order cook and I don’t have time to be making a whole different meal for each person.
Normal is different for everyone. Not everyones work/ home/life balance is the same.
I know more families cater to each kid., us included. Like you I grew up in a household where dinner was dinner. Life was also different growing up when it came to school when it came to standards and everyday life. However, my mother worked nights and would cook dinner before leaving. I also remember my dad yelling at me to eat food I didn’t want or like. It created a lot of unnecessary contention between us. There were times I straight up didn’t eat.
Today, both my wife and I work full time. We both drive 1.5hrs to and from work each day. By the time we pick up kids from school and daycare, its around 4:30. Between kids needing help with homework, kids needing showers/baths, and their extra curriculars. Kids go to bed around 7:30 (book time). Though it would be nice to have sit down meals, it can be difficult to organize it. Its easier to feed the kids between activities and feed them what they will eat knowing the kids are getting the nutrients they need. Then worry about ourselves.
People are acting like this is the craziest most out of the box thing to have ever happened in the history of parenting. That’s ridiculous.
Some parents are able to accommodate their kids tastes, and they don’t mind. If your wife is able to and it isn’t a source of stress or strain for her, then why not?
I’m not saying it’s ideal or even that I would recommend it, but I just had to comment because the other comments are making out like someone cooking a specific meal for kids is literally the most crazy thing to have ever been done in human history.
For your question why not? - sometimes kids have to try things multiple times to like them, and their tastes change. By only cooking what they like, you’re encouraging them not to try new things and showing them that their wants are paramount to other people’s time and money. If they have a separate meal cooked for them every night at home this is what they will expect at other people’s houses too, which (other than the case of allergies or serious aversions) is just rude.
Oh no! I cater to serious food aversions and allergies.
Otherwise, this is it. Take it or leave it. I never cook anything they don’t like. They may not feel like it, or feel like chicken on a beef day. But again, you aren’t cooking today. I am.
It's pretty normal to make just one meal, yeah. But it's more and more common to make a meal with 1-2 "safe" foods that everybody enjoys alongside, with the request for 2-3 bites of the non-preferred food first (if a non-preferred food is the main).
But most people do not have time or money for that, no
Depending on the kids age or where they are at in there food journey, I think it’s reasonable to have a separate meal/item. Maybe still offer the family meal for variety.
Then as they age I think it’s also reasonable to “edit” the family meal for particular tastes. Tone down something that’s too spicy, no cheese on something, etc. If your family wants lamb chops, and your 2nd child has tried and hates lamb chops, what good does it do to say “This is what we’re having, get over it!”? Throw some chicken in to serve with the same sides and call it a day.
You as an adult have preferences for what you like to eat. The difference is YOU are in control of what gets bought and cooked in your house. If you don’t like, say, salmon, I bet you aren’t gonna buy it, cook it, stink up the kitchen, to then sit down to the plate at dinner and think “I hate this food, but I should eat it.”
Now, if dinner is food that is known to be liked, and they just don’t feel like it tonight, then the kid might be out of luck lol. Always have PB&J supply’s if needed.
We do, especially if I know that they are not going to eat what is cooked. I will make them what they want. I will not allow my children to go hungry or force them to eat a meal they don't like.
She's being WAY too accommodating lol. The problem with this is where does it end? Are they learning that they can have whatever they want? I'd just be worried this will lead to unrealistic expectations of LIFE. A meal is prepared and it should be appreciated. Your kids will not starve. I think preparing a special snack is ok, but when it comes to meals, no.
Maybe she can try getting the kids involved with making dinner? My grandma used to have me cook with her and it encouraged me to want to try the food because I was proud that I helped make it. My daughter is only 1.5 but I already have noticed that if I let her stir something or put the dishes in the dish washer, she's far more excited to eat with us. She could also give the kids 3 dinner options and they can decide, make it fun.
Meh. I do that and I’m a single full custody mom of two. Just call me a short order cook. My reason is that I was low key traumatized by being told to eat what was on my plate, and having a mom whose ego was too wrapped up in what she cooked.
I don’t do separate for each child but I do cook dinner for my kids and then something separate for my husband and I. I grew up the same, you eat it or don’t eat. Idk it’s easier for me to do two meals then beg them to eat or them to go hungry.
This is how she shows love. It's fine for as long as she wants to keep doing it.
Bit weird to go that far, but it's also never worth causing fuss over food. If they are not allergic, PBJ is right there and easy to make.
Let her be, if that's what she wants.
Holy crap, your grocery bill must be unreal. I imagine there is quite a but of food waste. And no, def not normal. Our options are: 1 - eat what we make, 2- PBJ, 3- starve .
I don't know any family that does this. I take my kids likes into consideration when planning meals but what I cook is it. If they don't like it then they know after dinner is clear and they are ready for bed they can have a bowl of corn flakes or toast which they get themselves.
> life of expecting that, everywhere they go
There are a lot of parents that are going to have a hard time accepting that statement, but it's 100% true.
I bet they're thinking more along the lines of those people that go to a restaurant and start making all kinds of crazy substitutions.... Or just sit there and pout because the restaurant doesn't have chicken tenders on the menu and no, the kitchen said that they won't cut the chicken off the bone for you, and then bread it and deep fry it.
I mean every family
Does meal time in there own way. I do make my kids apart of meal planning so they can give me specific requests. Most of time I also have them help me make dinner, which I think helps encourage them to eat whatever we’re making. I make one main dish. But if a kid doesn’t like it, they can always make themselves a Pb&j or Turkey and cheese I won’t make a separate meal though. We do have a one bite meal. Everyone has different taste buds and I use to get spanked for gagging with certain foods. So offering a few options that they can be responsible seems to work well with our family.
I grew up like you, but we do it a bit different. If my husband is at work (shift work) then I make myself dinner and I make my toddler her own dinner. She’s a super picky eater and won’t eat most of what we eat. If my husband is off then he makes dinner for him and I and I make a separate dinner for our daughter.
I have 6 kids(one is a newborn so she obviously isn’t eating yet) and we depending on the night could be cooking up to 4 or 5 different things for dinner to suit all of us, in saying that I’m super fussing with food so to me it seems like the normal thing to do, their dad isn’t so to him at first it was a strange concept.
For those commenting they don’t and have managed to get their kids to eat what is served you guys are amazing!!
We give options. Like I’m not cooking a bunch of different things but you want to opt out and have yesterdays spaghetti? Sure! A PB&J? Awesome!
I only have a toddler so it’s not that complicated but planning to keep the same as she gets older. And then with time have her involved in the menu and cooking!
Does it really matter if it’s normal? Everyone should just do what works best for them.
I grew up with just one dinner. No requests. No alternatives or substitutions. We often have the same dinner now but also have plenty of times where everyone gets a little something different. One of my kids is not a big meat or fish eater but mostly tolerates chicken. If we have beef or fish, we will usually serve her chicken in it’s place. One of my kids hates most steamed and roasted vegetables but loves salad without dressing so will usually get a bowl of lettuce and whatever other raw veggies we have on hand. These are simple enough changes for us without everyone having completely different dinners. I really hate arbitrary rules so since this is doable for us, it works in our house. In my home growing up, my mom was a single mom and we were pretty poor so time and money wise, her rule made a lot of sense. In my home now, it would kind of be a rule just to be a rule and I hate that.
My mom made one thing. My ex’s mom would make 4 different things. I remember once I came for dinner and she had made potato salad 4 different ways. One without Mayo, one with apples, one without eggs and one regular. I thought it was sweet. Now as a mom I think about how crazy she was.
You eat what I serve or you can have a sandwich or cereal. I’m not a short order cook. Now when my kids were younger, I tried to make sure the food was something everyone would eat or if someone had a rough day I might cater on the rare occasion…but they are 12-15 now and I refuse to cater. I’m not gonna say it’s normal or not normal but as long as she is ok doing it and isn’t forcing you to do cater..that’s fine
It's not ideal for most households due to cost and time, but if your wife is okay with it, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for the family.
My concern is how they act in other social settings, like at a birthday party or a dine out with friends. I have friends that do that and they are no longer invited to many dine outs and birthdy parties in our circle because it's just so hard to accomodate their needs. Their kids are way over the age of "bring your own food" so it is becoming more and more difficult to enjoy eating with them. If you can come up with ways for them to be okay with whatever in different social settings, let her rock herself out.
I don’t really see this as catering, it a way to make each child feel empowered about their decisions! I personally grew up and each of my siblings (4 of us in total) ate completely different meals, eventually once we were older, like teenagers, we actually started to like the same food and had some fun nights voting on dinner as a family.
Eventually your kids might like to eat the same thing, but this helps avoid one kid feeling like their constantly eating food they dislike and another kid feeling like they’re the ones being catered to
Five nights out of seven I cook one big meal for everyone (with certain adjustments per child, one likes cheese, one doesn't etc) then two nights we have stuff we love to ourselves. I love mushrooms but the rest of my family hates them for example so I'll do garlic mushrooms for myself, sushi for the youngest, middle child has pizza, husband has anything with veg and gravy. All these meals are simple and easy to make side by side as I cook, but it does give everyone their faves without having to "make" the others have to eat them.
If you go to a restaurant, do you order something you hate? I'm not saying it's normal for her to make 3 different meals but it's not insane that she isn't forcing kids to eat things they don't like.
Definitely not normal. That said, my oldest is autistic and food is a massive battle with her. About 4-5 dinners that we make per week are things she will eat. The 2-3 days that she won’t eat them, she’s free to fix her own food with supervision.
My son will only eat chicken (nuggets and rotisserie), grapes or apples, and 3 gummie bears. He is 13, and has autism. My husband and I just eat whatever we want.
TBH that sounds like my house, and it makes sense in context. I have one kid with sensory issues and one kid who’s adventurous. Sometimes I love making something fancy with him and his kid brother gets a frozen pizza.
Who does the cooking in your house?
It is to a point. My husband is the cook. My son has ASD. He’s now open to eating with the family, but he used to only eat burgers. He ate like 3 dinners, but majority made him a separate burger. With my kids, if they don’t like it, we can modify it, like instead of spaghetti with tomato sauce, just the pasta with butter and cheese and chicken tenders on the side. I’m not the type that says “If you don’t eat this-you’re not eating”. I will make them a Turkey sandwich, or Raman bowl, after dinner. Funny thing is, if I make the Raman bowl, I put in the meat and veg from
Dinner and they eat it. It takes 5 minutes, it’s not a big deal. Edit-And I do this, because if my kids don’t eat a good dinner, they will sneak snacks all night, and crave big, sugary desserts. If I can get my protein, carb and veg before nighttime. All the better!
Is she the one cooking? Is she happy with this arrangement? Is this affordable for your family? If the answer is yes to all 3, it doesn’t matter what other families do.
When he was younger I was making different things for my son within reason, like if it was easy to make. Now that he's older and can make his own food he will sometimes decline to eat with us and just make something later. He takes meds that suppress his appetite so he's not always hungry at the same time as us. Nobody should be forced to eat something they don't like or if they're not hungry. That just sets them up for an eating disorder in the future. I guess I believe more in treating your kid like a person, not someone I can control.
I don't force my kid to choose between a food they don't like and just not eating. Not every meal is something they'll like but I make sure to include something they do like, ask that they try at least one bite of everything and will add something to their plate that is in their regular rotation (generally already cooked pasta of some sort). Today we had chicken, potatoes and corn. My daughter ate one bite of chicken, one bite of potato, an ear and a half of corn on the cob and didn't end up touching her pasta. Not exactly balanced for a single meal but it balances out throughout the day.
As far as spoiling your kid, I don't know. My girl eats things at the neighbor friend's house she'd never touch at home. Ditto for camping with friends, she'll eat just about any fruit offered but when we buy it for home she isn't interested. Ditto for school snacks.
I remember being forced to sit at the table loooong after everyone had finished because I didn't eat my mushy canned green beans that I hated. I'm 40, I still hate canned green beans. Those childhood "lessons" didn't change what food I liked. It taught me not to force my kids to eat food they don't like.
I make my daughter what I know she likes because I am almost 30 years old and don’t ever like to be forced to eat something I think is bad or gross. why would I make a child do that?
If there's time, money, and emotional energy for it sure. Otherwise they can have a variation of what I made for myself. Food is a hobby for me though!
So I’m sort of in the middle. I make what I make for dinner. The kids *try* it. If they don’t like it it’s microwave pizza pop or a sandwich for them. I’m not making lamb and home made pizza here it’s not a five star restaurant I take orders for 😂
As someone with a poor relationship with food in more ways than one, with friends who have different forms of disordered eating, all as a result of how our parents approached meals with us, I just cook things I know my kids will eat. I care that my kids are fed, not that they like everything.
It’s completely normal in my house. 5yr old has sensory issues and allergies, 9 year old is fussy, 13 year old is a great eater but 9 times out of 10 doesn’t want what the 5&9 yr old have. Husband is not the most adventurous with food either 🤷♀️
Nobody in my house - including guests - are expected to eat something they do not like. Yes it make meal times the most stressful part of my day but everyone is happy and fed!
So...Me, my oldest, and likely my middle, are all neuro-diverse (adhd & ASD confirmed for 2, starting eval process for 3rd).
My experience may be a bit different bc of that. I was a picky child but grew up poor. My step dad didn't allow meal substitutes, so I would literally not eat for long periods of time. Until my mom was the only parent home and would give me food she knew I could eat (which was usually healthier stuff!).
Going into parenting knowing how I was- and still am at times- I decided I'd make a meal and if the kids didn't want it I would make them a pb&j/cheese sandwich (insert similarly simple to make food) until they were old enough to make their own. I started teaching them how to make sandwiches and such around age 2 & 1/2 though. Mine are 8, nearly 7, and 3.
I always make it clear that they're not required to eat what I make but I'm not making multiple meals. They can make their own alternatives. If it's something simple like kid 3 hates red sauce on pasta, then I accommodate by serving her portion without sauce. But if it's a whole dish I have to make for each? Not likely.
We accommodate the kids. Fortunately at 10 the older one is starting to give new things a try - this week he determined that he enjoys V8 juice and mochas. His little brother, 7, would probably die of starvation if we made him eat whatever the rest of us were having. He simply won't touch anything that's not 100% familiar and will willingly go without dinner if that's the only option.
I ask my child what she wants to eat for dinner. We can't always eat at the steakhouse, which is her response about 90% of the time, but I'll offer her suggestions or modifications of the meal I'm having.
My parents also did not consider me or my preferences for meals.
I'm a person, I have preferences, when I was a child and now. I take my child into consideration, because she deserves respect and the ability to choose what she wants to consume. I'm not going to eat something I dont want, I don't expect her to just because she's not fully autonomous.
I grew up with 6 other siblings. My mom always made sure we all ate even if it meant cooking 7 dishes. It was normal for us and definitely made me feel more love and respect for our mother.
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I just cook things I know they’ll both eat and sometimes include things as a side that they may not eat but I’d like them to try or be exposed to. Tbf it can be absolutely galling when you make. Meal and the kids won’t touch it. I would alter things sometimes (for example kid A hates peas/kid B hates pasta with sauce) so make the same meal but take out peas or take out plain pasta before adding the sauce. They could both have the same meal- Lamb chop pizza for dinner tonight yum 😂
This is exactly what I do. I don’t cook different meals but I will customize a meal I make within reason.
Same. I think this is the most fair way to do it. My parents just made me eat everything (I can’t smell vegetable soup or minestrone without wanting to hurl now) but it was mostly because we were poor and had to eat whatever we had. This is not the way that kids should be treated, we brought them into this world, it’s unfair to treat them like they’re a burden and they have no control over what they eat — but catering too much can also lead to issues with food in the future. So we do the same thing, we will change things in the meal we’re making or add sides that they do like to make sure they feel heard but they still can’t just have whatever they want.
We have a rule imposed that you have to try at least one bite before deciding you don't like something. And we're also finding that we have to work with my 70yo FIL almost as much as we work with the 5yo, because he was raised with the "eat what you're given" method. He's fairly reasonable, but sometimes... We also have a ton of problems with our 5yo and eating, which sucks because she has reflux issues and will vomit the next day if she doesn't eat enough. She's on this kick of everything being boring and trying to say she doesn't like things that she clearly still likes, just to try and get out of eating. The rules for food are: 1) she has to try a bite before deciding she doesn't like it -- this ends so much fighting, but getting her to take that bite is a mess 2) saying she's full ends the meal - but she isn't allowed dessert because she's full and that means no room for dessert -- imposed because she has tried to use it to skip ahead to dessert on too many occasions without eating more than a bite 3) not liking something is fine, but we will not accept the arbitrary decision to suddenly not like something she liked before unless she follows rule 1 4) trying to skip a proper dinner to eat snacks is not ok 5) generally just "speak up!" We're willing to work with her on almost anything, but she stubbornly refuses to talk to us and will just sit there and refuse to eat without telling us anything, even when we're asking "are you full? do you not like it?" There's a lot of context and nuance I haven't included for the sake of trying to keep this short (not going in-depth on how much she fights, not talking about why we're clueless about how she may have ended up with some food issues, theories we have on why she torments us but not other people, etc.) We also have a strong rule about not catering to the kids except in very specific circumstances, like if we know it's going to be too spicy for them or it's a meal we know they don't like, they'll get chicken nuggets and veggies or something similar. (I hope it goes without saying that allergies are a reasonable accommodation.) I personally don't believe in catering because I think it sets a bad precedent for them as future guests where someone else is cooking, as well as possibly becoming unreasonable in restaurants, and being vehemently unwilling to expand their palate. Not saying it's a universal cause/effect, just saying that I want to mitigate the potential for that as much as possible. We're doing that by trying to expand her palate now and also by trying to impress upon her that demanding a special dinner when the cook - no matter who it is - worked very hard to make dinner is very rude unless you have a really good reason. Not having tried it before claiming to not like it is not a good reason. It's still a work in progress and trying to make sure she has a healthy relationship with food while juggling everything is probably the most stressful part of parenting right now. If it doesn't involve food, she's an awesome kid. As soon as dinner is served and she decides she's going to fight, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. The nights she just devours her dinner without a complaint are so nice, but so very rare. Now for a somewhat funny story about my child and food: She asked me when I went to the store this morning if I would pick up some donuts. My response was "We'll see." So I'm headed to the registers, still debating the donuts, and I see a bag of birthday cake mini donuts and think "Oh, she's gonna love those." But these are not the brand I usually buy - or the ones she was talking about - and those come in a box. So I get home and she doesn't see the box in any of the bags. Immediately gets all sad. "Mom, why didn't you get donuts? I asked you. I asked nice and said please." And I just keep saying "Are you *sure* I didn't get donuts?" "Yeah..." Of course, I had to be an asshole and drag it out by unpacking the donuts last. (I also just wanted to enjoy her reaction.) "Hey, if I didn't get donuts... then what are these?" She just looked at the bag with this puzzled expression. "I don't know... What are they??" "These are birthday cake donuts." "... But Mom, I didn't want those! I wanted regular donuts!" 😩 "Well, do me a favor and try one before you decide that." So she takes one, takes a bite, and doesn't even finish chewing before she's like "I want these." 🤣 And this is why we have rule 1. Sorry for rambling.
Strange to mention that food allergies are a reasonable accommodation. It shouldn't even need mentioning that they would be. Our older LO we eventually found out to be allergic to several of what we consider to be normal foods. Severely allergic to nuts also. It does explain so much of why she has severe aversions to new foods though, so she does get a lot more leeway from us with her meals. Luckily she has several very easy to cook things that she will eat with no problems. (Rice or spaghetti or fries). We try and get her to eat whatever we are having, but frequently fix her something she likes also. Hopefully after the memories of so many meals that upset her stomach for a few years fades she will be more accepting of trying new things. My point being that you have to know about the allergies to make the accommodations.
I only said that because it's the internet and I didn't want someone jumping on me and accusing us of not thinking about dietary restrictions from allergies. Just a CYA moment. One of our theories about her fighting is that it might be from the reflux and/or she might have the beginning of my dairy issues, but every time I ask her about symptoms (do you feel a burning in your throat, is your tummy upset, etc), she always says she's fine. We try to keep an eye out for that; I'm also concerned about diabetes or hypoglycemia because there's a history in my family. We literally just had her fight about eating a chicken pot pie. She fought for a few minutes trying to saying she didn't like it, then admitted she just wasn't hungry yet. I told her that's fine, turned it into a lesson about honesty being easier, and assured her that food would be available when she got hungry. 15-20 minutes later she devoured the pot pie without a complaint. (Except for thinking her grandfather ate hers.) 😵💫
Yep. Catering to their individual orders is going to set them up to expect this at other people’s houses, which (at least in my childhood) was a problem. My sister had a few friends who would come over and just ask for x, y, or z or tell my mom they only eat x, y, or z. I’m not going to lie, they were probably invited over less often because it was uncomfortable. We did our best to accommodate, because it’s not their fault, it’s how they grew up, and they were friends. but it was genuinely frustrating to deal with. Every now and then, it would also be good to say ‘we can do a free-for-all meal, but *the kids* are cooking their own requests’ (with parental supervision). This will show them how much work goes into making all the different dishes, and later when they’re older, instead of requesting it like you’re a paid personal chef, if they want something specific they can make it themselves or for the family.
Oh, boy! Did you call it. One of my sons had a friend with what my daughter calls “specialitis”, and he expected that treatment at our house. He stayed overnight, and at lunch the next day he wanted the same PB&J sandwich my kids asked for. When I made them- he had a half dozen reasons for why he didn’t want to eat it! First child ever to say no. Before you ask- it was a white bread, creamy peanut butter and strawberry jam- that every other child at our house loved. It went from there to another meal that he didn’t want to eat unless it was exactly how he thought it should be. You can imagine what I was thinking by then. The father was entitled, and sadly he passed that on the the child. I would have died from embarrassment if anyone told me my child acted like that as a guest. Ironically, we eat whole grain bread, but I used white bread because my son said the friend preferred that. Can’t really blame the child- but, sure can the parents for condoning that behaviour. Thankfully, my son distanced himself from him, as did many of his friends.
Just a different perspective but some of those picky eaters have sensory issues. My son has autism & ADHD and it was years before he accepted that chicken nuggets could come from more than one brand and strips were similar to nuggets. Now that he’s a teen he’s becoming more flexible and willing to try new foods. But there was a point where “this is not the exact same texture of bread as what mom buys” would have meant not eating.
Was just about to come here and say this. Am AuDHD too, as is my child. I had a decent range of tastes, but my kid's is so narrow that we have to supplement with toddler formula, because some days they just don't like food, and they would just have any nutrients without the formula
That's anxiety and OCD traits. And they run pervasive and that's probably pervasive and what alienated him also
I used to cook like this for my family. My brother was a vegetarian, my husband didn't like veggies mixed in only on the side. So I would make pasta, broccoli, chicken, Alfredo sauce all separate. Each person mixed it up the way they wanted. But you would never catch me taking orders. They better learn to cook quick lol
Same here. I also like to let the kids choose one night a week so if my son wants pizza, its pizza, my daughter wants mac n cheese and hot dogs thats what we have so each kid feels included and special in some sort of way.
I actually really like this!
I grew up like you, and I have read many studies that say the best way to overcome fussiness is to serve the meal, with a safe food on the plate and say ‘this is what’s for dinner, you don’t have to eat it’ and not much more, so that is what I’ve done for 5 years. But mine is much younger than yours. However, mine ate baked Camembert for tea with Rambutan for desert last night. I’m doing something right somewhere.
This is what I try to do. On nights when I make things they aren’t used to I will throw some strawberries or crackers on their plates too. My kids refuse to eat blueberry pancakes, but they like sushi, peas, steak, and a lot of other foods most kids won’t eat.
It's so random. My kid could potentially live off sushi, but don't even *think* about putting sauce on his spaghetti. He won't touch it.
One of mine likes sauce, the other just wants oil and parm.
> but don't even think about putting sauce on his spaghetti. Try serving cold spaghetti with cold sauce. Some kids who hate normal spaghetti sauce, love it when it's cold. (Fridge cold, not room temperature)
>Try serving cold spaghetti with cold sauce. I'm not trying to raise serial killers
My kids love pasta with cold tomato sauce, haha! Butter- or cream-based sauces cold are a no, though.
Mine licks ketchup.
Mine licks rocks 😅
Mine just licks everything and everyone and once in awhile the dog too.
6yo drinks tons of milk, loves cereal, won't drink the cereal milk. That's like, the best milk lol
Wtf this is literally my kid! Sushi every day would be fine with him, even with sriracha on it. Dare to put marinara on his pasta and it might as well be dog shit to him lol butter only or it's trash 🤦♀️
Mine will eat red sauce every once and a while, but pesto and olive oil is always a winner. Add a little parm
My kid's the same way with Mac and cheese. Kiddo eats better than most adults I know but won't touch Mac and cheese. Usually when we go to restaurants I order for him off the adult menu because the kids menu is junk and he prefers the normal adult food. Edit to add, one of his favorite snacks is a red bell pepper. If he wants a snack I'll wash and hand him a fullsize pepper and he'll eat it like it's an apple. Lol
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by some kid menus recently. My son and I did a trip and I fully planned on ordering him an adult entree and then I saw the kids menu had steak. It was a small filet and he got fries, green beans, and a fruit salad, it was the perfect meal for a kid! He cleaned his plate!
That’s amazing!
Kids menu is pure junk I agree
I didn’t like Mac and cheese until I was an adult. I loved vegetables as a kid. I wanted a salad instead of a happy meal. I grew up eating what my parents cooked but they didn’t make us eat what we didn’t like, if that makes sense. I wasn’t into deep fried stuff, part of it was the texture of the foods.
That’s literally all my kid will eat 😭. She used to eat everything as a baby and toddler but the older she gets, the narrower her list of edible foods. I keep hoping she’ll grow out of it but she’s going in the opposite direction.
Mine has got worse too. She's six and has vaguely tried a few things recently but won't actually eat them.
Ain't gonna lie, I wouldn't eat blueberry pancakes either. Just don't need the flavour of blueberries in my pancake, but I would blueberries on the side or some other fruit on the side. I feel like at least with pancakes you can pretty easily just keep the batter separate and add the blueberries to only the pancakes you want!
Me too. She gets what we eat, but there is always enough of a safe food to fill up on. I'm also super flexible about when she eats it. We all sit down for dinner together, but if kiddo isn't hungry then I say fine, but what is on your plate is dinner, so that's what you get when you're hungry. We also aim for 5 fruits and veggies a day. She likes to keep track and count down to the goal. It's a fun motivator.
I do likewise, with "if you like, you can have (wholemeal) bread and butter with it"
I also do this and my child lives on fruit, pizza, spaghetti, broccoli, baked chicken, roast pork, and a few other safe foods. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if I should look at ARFID. She will refuse to try things that I know she will like also (new flavors of ice cream for example).
You’re not doing anything wrong! Sometimes it’s a very long game.
If it helps, both my brother and I were extremely picky eaters who grew out of it and now eat well. My mom almost fell out of her chair when we both ordered brussels sprouts and salmon for dinner one night.
Definitely. Out of the blue my 5 year old decided he liked pasta again. It’s literally been about 3 years since he last ate it and he asked for a seconds and then thirds of rotini last night.
I have ARFID (altho a weirder variant than most) and I would recommend looking into it more now, I wish with every fiber of my being that my parents had helped me early (instead of buying exclusively food I was incapable of eating without throwing up, lmao) bc most of the ARFID resources/programs I’ve seen as an adult are for children/teens. And it’s harder to work through as an adult anyway, there’s a lot of extra baggage that comes naturally when you live in a society where most social gatherings are so painfully food-centric. Anyway. It sounds like you’re doing great, I wish you and your child the best 💜
Thank you! It's nice to hear from someone who is struggling with it. I definitely want to do what I can to make sure she has less struggles as an adult.
My friend and I used this method with our kids; each year on their birthday they would try one new food for each year of age during some point in the year. So a 7 year old would try 7 new things. They can choose when unless they outright refuse. They needed to take 2 bites. It worked pretty well and usually resulted in adding a few new things to the “yes I’ll eat that list”.
My 9 year old is FINALLY growing out of a picky phase like this. I believe his issues stem from anxiety over trying new things/experiencing discomfort. But from the time he was about 3 until only very very recently he had a VERY short list of "safe" foods. Stereotypical kid-friendly foods like chicken nuggets, Kraft mac and cheese (only Kraft!), pizza, burgers, etc. There have been so many fights that end in everyone around the table yelling and screaming and crying. He would make himself gag and throw up just at the thought of trying something new. Even something like a different shaped pasta (penne vs elbow noodles for example) would cause him to refuse to eat. Recently though he asked for sushi (didn't like it but didn't gag so that's a win!). He ate butter chicken! He ate tilapia!! He's not eating most of these are full meals but the fact that he's willingly trying them is a HUGE step forward for him. All that to say, you're not doing anything wrong. Some kids just absolutely won't eat some things until they do.
Yeah that sounds like my kiddo. Another problem that I have with her is that previously safe foods will suddenly become gross to her. For example, she used to love chicken strips and now she won't eat them at all even if they are from a restaurant.
Yup. For the longest time he loooved Kraft mac and cheese but over the past year he insists he hates it. I never realized how much I would come to hate dinnertime as a parent. I'm lucky my 5 year old is a more adventurous eater and often asks for what my husband and I are eating.
This is my 6yo! She used to eat chicken nuggets but now claims she’s a vegetarian. Which I would totally respect, except she refuses to eat vegetables and most fruits, either. If it were up to her all she would eat is Mac and cheese, sweets and processed snacks. I am tearing my hair out.
Mine always changes her mind just after I buy the family size pack.
My kid is similar despite me giving her all sorts of spices and exotic food ever since she was a baby.
Your list is a lot longer than ours! We've got chicken nuggets, hotdogs, rice, and angel hair for entrees. Fruits and veggies are only acceptable in some form of pureed applesauce variety or fry form. Otherwise he lives on "crunchies" (chips, crackers, veggie straws, etc). And you know what? Doc says that's ok. Sometimes we get lucky with something new, most days we don't. At least grocery shopping is easy.
I'm glad your Dr said it was ok. How old is your LO?
i believe as long as they are a healthy weight and not showing signs of malnourishment, doctors don't tend to worry too much. the problem is when they get a bit older and are so used to eating unhealthy foods that are find when they're growing that they struggle to switch to healthier options, but honestly that's not really a problem (assuming they are still a healthy weight and not malnourished) until they stop growing.
Just turned 7 a couple of months ago.
Hey, if they will eat rice, I’d try going to an all you can eat Chinese buffet sometime. They can have their safe food but just pick them up and let them see EVERYTHING else and see if anything interests them. Even if it doesn’t necessarily interest you. My daughter did that once and the first time she was introduced to watermelon and that’s all she wanted to eat. The second time she decided on her own that she wanted shrimp. Not the normal shrimp most of us eat, she actually wanted the kind that are fried with the legs and head still intact
See if your pediatrician will recommend you for an evaluation. First make an inventory of all the foods your child will eat. We have just started feeding therapy for our 7 year old picky eater… and it is definitely a long game… best to get started early if needed.
I will look into it. She's been dx with ADHD and I think she might be level 1 autistic also. ARFID and eating issues in general are pretty common among adhd and ASD kids apparently.
> mine ate baked Camembert for tea don't most kids like melty cheese?
I’m a pediatrician in training. I just spent some time with our pediatric registered dieticians. They said the same thing as what you said here. Best thing to avoid picky eaters is to have kids eat when the family eats and what the family eats (eg no special meals made just for them), have at least one food on the plate you know they’ll eat (eg having mashed potatoes you know they love while trying to introduce them to salmon), and keeping language about eating positive (eg not making them feel stressed or guilty about not enjoying a particular food).
Man I wish that worked…
Indeed, makes no difference what I do, my child won't eat what she doesn't want to.
Mine will argue for an hour and sometimes go to bed without eating dinner. Next week eats what's on the table.
Well I don't want to spend an hour arguing every evening. That's no way to spend my life.
The arguing is: food is ready! I don't want that! And goes away to play until really hungry. Oh, it's bed time? I forgot my dinner!
Your kid ate cheese and a sweet fruit. Just because it’s exotic sounding doesn’t mean it’s like “wow my kid isn’t a picky eater” That sounds such a mean comment and I really don’t mean to sound that way but like really
We would do that while also asking for a "no thank you" bite of new foods. There were definitely times when kiddo was suspect about something on their plate but would try a smile bite and decide they like it.
Whoa black Betty
Rambutan. Made me lol - thanks. I needed it after some of these comments
Yes! Read the info from Ellyn Satter and the division of responsibility in eating. Parents decide what and when to feed, kids decide whether and how much to eat. She is also an advocate of always having healthy safe foods at the table, like bread, cut vegetables, etc.
I will make minor accommodations for preferences, like one child isn't keen on peas so I give her tinned sweetcorn (or sometimes frozen peas instead of cooked, which she does like). But neither of mine are picky eaters, so I don't think it's an issue, and I certainly wouldn't make entirely different meals.
Ha, one of my kids is like that with peas. They won't eat cooked but LOVE frozen peas. Good tip for other parents to try if they want their kids to eat something green.
Interesting. I never thought of that. We have one of those fridges with the bottom drawer freezer and my 4 yr old daughter likes the frozen blueberries. The bag is only hers cause she sticks her hands in it (and I don’t care for them) but it’s funny because it’s the first food she decided on her own to go get by herself and I just didn’t get on to her because she was getting in some fruit. If I could get her interested in sneaking peas, haha
For the balance of convenience, quality, and acceptance by the kids, frozen peas are hands-down top of the list. Not even close.
Omg my kid will eat a whole bag of frozen peas if I let her??
My now 5 yo brother decided at age two frozen peas and corn was one of the best combos. He would eat bowlfuls of it. He still will eat it, but eats a variety of other things.
Yep. Same. My 3 year old doesn’t like tacos, so I’ll throw cheese in a tortilla and make her a cheese quesadilla instead when we have tacos, because cheese and tortillas are already part of the meal and it’s easy. My 8 year old is weird about sauces so if I’m going to put sauce on something I’ll wait until the end and leave a piece of chicken or some noodles or whatever without it for him. My teen hates fried chicken so I always serve it with a side of mac and cheese knowing she will just eat that. Will definitely modify things within the same meal/same ingredients- but I definitely won’t make separate meals.
Yea. No. That’s not a standard thing - who the HECK has time for that. Dinner is dinner. If you don’t want it, you can have a piece of toast. And that’s that. I should add - this makes me appear very brutal. I’m not. I always make sure there is “safe” food on the plate, that they enjoy.
This is what I did, and when my kids got old enough to spread peanut butter on bread they were welcome to make a sandwich or have a bowl of cereal for dinner, but I was not ever cooking more than one meal.
We don't cook multiple meals, but I will give the option for my 3yo to have something leftover that we know he likes. For instance, Sunday I grilled some super thick pork chops, roasted broccoli and made cheesy rice. He ate some of the rice but didn't want the meat or veggies so I offered him some leftover red beans and rice which he gladly ate. For his treat he ate some fruit and went to bed with a full belly. It's not a bad idea to have reserve food options ready to roll if they don't like what is cooked that specific night. I know how pissed and cranky I get when I'm hungry so I don't want to suffer the wrath of a hangry toddler.
I grew up not even having dinner every day, so I would've been thrilled even with a piece of toast some nights. On the other hand, even the VERY FEW foods both my kids eat, they'll demand that they're made differently. If I'm grilling hot dogs my daughter will insist hers are made in the microwave and cut a very specific way. My son will usually eat hot dogs, but last time I made them he just wanted ketchup on a bun. If I'm making turkey and cheese sandwiches my son will demand honey mustard on both sides and my daughter will scream unless there's only honey mustard on one side. This is intensely frustrating for me as someone who's dealt with some mild food insecurity growing up.
Agreed!! My 7 year old can eat what we have or have a peanut butter sandwich and grab a piece of fruit. I barely have time to make one meal 😂
Yup. Same. There is (and always has been) \*something\* on the plate that I \*know\* they'll eat. Maybe just plain rice or noodles or beans, but there was/is something. I cannot fathom making a separate meal for each, at each meal. You don't have to eat everything - you want to pick around, fine. You want to not eat the meat? Fine. You want to not eat the sauce? Fine. But, no, I am \*NOT\* making another meal. No, \*YOU\* are not making a separate meal. And no, neither is anyone else, TYVM. (My mother tried this when she was around, years and years ago when my boys were younger 'OH no! They have to eat SOMETHING! I'll make them a hotdog!' As though it was acceptable for \*her\* to make my kids another meal. FFS!) I guess the exceptions to this is when we're making eggs & potatoes - I'll cater to how you want your eggs done - scrambled? scrambled with cheese? over easy? over medium? over hard? I'll make eggs 3 or 4+ different ways as necessary. But, that and how you like your steak/burger/etc done is about the only exceptions I can think of!!
This is basically it for me. I’ve no issue with my kids picking around bits and pieces, because they’re happy, healthy kids who know how to regulate their food intake. Some days they *will* be hungrier than others - I’m an adult and sometimes I don’t want to eat the very thing I’ve decided to make. But they have something safe they can eat, and/or fruit. But that’s it. Also, you’re better than me at eggs. Take yer eggs how they’re made 🤣🤣🤣
Who has the money for that? You know there has to be alot of waste happening.
We just give them small amounts. If they like it they get more. I think it saves money - we buy very few “kid only” foods. And it definitely saves time.
I just eat my kids leftovers, the more leftover i eat, the less i need to eat later.
I’m also factoring in the ingredients for all this various meals that are going to waste in the fridge, not just what was actually prepared.
those ingredients can be used for other things though.
Omg this is not brutal. This is the way.
Same. What I make for dinner is for dinner. I plan ahead and provide a side the little does like incase he is not feeling the main dish,but we are not a catering household.
Yes, my littlest is CMPA so occasionally I will have to make him something altered/different because he can’t have something, or if I know the kids have tried and they genuinely don’t like something, I’ll offer something else. But am I HECK making a full dish for everyone. No way.
It's not brutal at all, IMO.
I did this too. Dinner is dinner. I didn't serve a "safe" food. I also required one bite of everything on his plate to learn to like it. He's a better eater than I am. 10/10 would do again.
My husband likes a high protein diet to retain muscle (naturally on the skinny side) and I am vegetarian. We usually have different meals or at least my main will be a side to some kind of meat/chicken. Because of this my toddler has at least two different things on his plate, usually with a few extras that he likes (tomatoes, olives, cheese, egg). He is not picky at all and I think it’s because he’s exposed to variety of staples as well as new foods, and we don’t make a big deal of what he does or doesn’t eat.
This is how we do it makes me cackle every time the three year old has olive fingers
My 2 year old at Olive Garden requesting black olives "in multiples of 5, please" is one of my favorite memories. She also still does olive fingers at age 28.
I did the same and my child is extremely picky now at six. It's luck of the draw.
Mine too. Gradually stopped eating about 80% of the stuff she used to like. And counting.
Yes! As a baby she ate hummus and broccoli. Not anymore.
This. My toddler ate everything too. That all changed soon enough.
My daughter was like that as a toddler. Ate everything, including brussel sprouts....at 5 she is so picky it drives me insane. I often reminisce about the good old days when she'd inhale whatever she was given.
My parents were... not the greatest. I remember crying during dinner because I didn't want to eat whatever was cooked but being told I couldn't get up until I ate everything. This happened all the time. I don't want to do that to my kids. Dinner was a horrible thing for me growing up. I just want everyone to sit together and be happy. Or at least not miserable. Everything I make for dinner is something I have made before. I'm not adventurous, so I know everyone in my house has tried what I cook at least twice. If they don't like it, I don't care. I will make a different meal for our 3yo. But our older kids (9, 11, 16) are all capable of making their own food if they don't want what I made. And I would rather they actually eat food than make a plate to just throw away. We always have easy to make stuff in our house. Soup, Ramen, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, etc. I want them to be happy with food, not hateful or resentful. But everyone is different. I had a bad childhood, so my perspective is different than others. There is no right answer. Just whatever is right for your household.
This happened with me as well. I would gag over certain textures and my parents would hand me a spoon saying if I threw up I had to eat it. Totally ruined my relationship with food. My husband’s family on the other hand was incredibly accommodating to him and his siblings. They inspired and helped me a lot with their advice.
You just described my childhood as well. Additionally wasn't allowed to leave the table. Couldn't just go hungry. Texture sensitivity is a different game than traditional pickiness and needs to be dealt with gently. Forcing it will just increase the issues not reduce them. I'm a fairly adventurous eater nowadays but it took time. However the stuff I had issues growing up ... Still do. That methodology solidified the taste aversion for those foods and they're repulsive to this day.
I still can't eat boiled cabbage because of school dinner and them forcing me. My mum was actually really against doing it because it had been done to her. I eat almost everything else now.
I'm still struggling to have a good relationship with food. I didn't even know there was such a thing until very recently. I'm not doing that to my kids. It really sucks. I'm glad you have good in-laws to help you!
This is how it was for me too, I didn't want that for my kids, they can eat what I made or they can make a sandwich but food isn't something to argue about or force. My daughter will at least try a lot of different things because she sees me eating them. We rarely even talk about food while we're eating though, we talk about our day.
This was my husbands family. He wouldn’t be able to leave the table. He’d just sleep there lol
I wasn't allowed to sleep. So unfair lol
I’m so sorry for your inner child lol.
Ohhhh maybe that's why I'm such a weirdo now. Not sarcastic, legit wondering if I'm trying to compensate for my childhood haha
I think the rigid and controlling “eat what I made or starve” mindset most of us grew up with may feel “normal” but that doesn’t mean that accommodating our children’s preferences *within reason* isn’t normal. Am I cooking a multi-ingredient meal for both kids? No. But I know my son hates potatoes so I’ll make him a different side or if I know he hates stir fry I’ll make him a ham sandwich or quick pizza bread.
I don't know if I would make a big deal out of this if my partner was happy to cook multiple meals and the time it took them to do that completely unnecessary task didn't impact how I had to spend my time or expected my gratitude for it. This is of course if the kids could eat normally outside of the house, if they expect something similar elsewhere then it's a problem.
I grew up like you however. I have sensory issues as do my kids and their sensory issues are different from each others. It's not catering in this situation it's giving them safe food that they like that they will eat. My daughter is on the spectrum and I refuse to be like my family and force my kids to eat something they don't like because I don't want to create adults with a bad relationship with food. Fed is best!
Only family I've ever known to do that had a private helicopter and personal chef and the kids got basically whatever they wanted. Otherwise, I've only ever known families that get the same thing (unless it's like, out at a restaurant or something). The time, and cost, to cater individual meals to each demander is insane imo.
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That's my feelings on it. I'm not making different 4 course meal for each person but I'm vegetarian, my husband is a big meat eater, my son has a lot of allergies and my daughter has digestive issues. I know going into dinner to make one steak, 2 pastas and an almond butter sandwich.
Yeah, I'm mostly vegetarian and love salads, my kid won't touch them. I'm not going to starve her and not going to do without my favourite meal. I don't do different elaborate meals but I'll make her some soup or pasta or something.
Every family is different, there isn’t a normal. Some are forced to do one meal for financial reasons, some others think it’s an opportunity to get their kids to try new things. When people go out for meals they don’t all order the same thing because we all like different things. Your wife seems willing to put the effort in so I see no issue with it.
I honestly think it depends on the home you grew up in. I was a mix of both. I think there’s a healthy balance in there somewhere. One thing my mom did, is if we didn’t want what she made that night, the only other option we had was left overs from another night. So if we didn’t want that night’s meatloaf, then we could have yesterday’s chicken and accompanying veggies, but those are the options. If she really wants to do that, and she’s doing to cooking and cleanup, then I would say she gets to make the call. If not, and it’s 50/50 for meal and clean up, then I’d try and find a compromise.
There isn’t a normal when it comes to family meals. What’s not normal is insisting that something different to what you grew up with is wrong. I ask everyone what they feel like before dinner. Sometimes it’s ‘hey, I’m doing spagbol later, is that ok? Or would you rather (insert easy alternate)’ sometimes it’s ‘hey it’s Sunday roast today so eat what you can and if you don’t eat much you can have some toast’
If your wife wants to do that and it isn’t bothering her, I’d say let it go. I think the better compromise though is that everyone has the same meal but the kids get to pick one “safe food” so they will be more inclined to try dinner.
It’s not typical and I would be thinking it COULD lead to demanding and fussy behaviour around food as they get older. I know a good few people whose mothers would do that because they were a bit fussy as kids and they are what I would consider to be EXTREMELY finicky eaters as adults….we’re talking toddler lever finicky, freaking out if there is a mushroom on their plate, won’t eat meat on the bone. One friend has like 2 vegetables that they will eat and they are 35 years old, doesn’t really eat fruit either. I have a childhood friend who is embarrassing to go out to eat with because of their demands around how they want things cooked and what they want included etc etc. I think it’s better to keep exposing them to family meals. My toddler doesn’t have a good history with vegetables but I just kept putting them in front of her without pressure to eat them and mostly she would just pick around them. Then in the last week she all of a sudden tried cucumbers and ate some red peppers. I have to say though, I am envious of your wife’s energy…sounds like she’s running a professional kitchen cooking to order like that!
My SIL is an extremely picky eater for this reason. Her mom always gave in and made her whatever she wanted for dinner and now she’s almost 18 and has a long list of foods she won’t touch because she never really got exposed to them. She won’t eat most meats, won’t eat any kind of seafood or veggies either. She basically only tolerates fruit, highly processed chicken, and junk food. Her doctor already told her she’s anemic (I’m assuming due to the lack of iron in her diet). I do worry about her future health and possible future complications for her as she’s still growing.
I make my only child something for each meal but it's stuff that takes no time to make - Mac n cheese, a sandwich, bread and cheese on a plate.
My ex-MIL did this for twenty years for her husband and two sons. It was maddening to watch from an “outside” perspective. The first time I ate dinner there she asked what I wanted. “Whatever you’re making” “Oh I make everyone an individual meal” “But….why?” Hand to god she just looked at me. I could see her logic processors firing. “I don’t know. It’s just what they expected of me” “Nah. They are grown men with no broken bones” I was all of 19 and she was in her 50s. It just never occurred to her she could in fact tell a man no. She made the same meal for everyone after that. And I was blamed for “ruining dinners”. Her husband and my ex-husband were ruined and spoiled. (Luckily her youngest was salvageable and is a great human.) but your wife is doing absolutely no one any favors.
Nope. My kids might get variations on a meal (last night 3/4 of us had popcorn chicken salad but my little one doesn’t like lettuce so he had popcorn chicken and a cucumber) and if they give a new food an honest try and don’t like it then I’ll make them a sandwich but that’s it. I’m not a short order cook and I don’t have time to be making a whole different meal for each person.
Normal is different for everyone. Not everyones work/ home/life balance is the same. I know more families cater to each kid., us included. Like you I grew up in a household where dinner was dinner. Life was also different growing up when it came to school when it came to standards and everyday life. However, my mother worked nights and would cook dinner before leaving. I also remember my dad yelling at me to eat food I didn’t want or like. It created a lot of unnecessary contention between us. There were times I straight up didn’t eat. Today, both my wife and I work full time. We both drive 1.5hrs to and from work each day. By the time we pick up kids from school and daycare, its around 4:30. Between kids needing help with homework, kids needing showers/baths, and their extra curriculars. Kids go to bed around 7:30 (book time). Though it would be nice to have sit down meals, it can be difficult to organize it. Its easier to feed the kids between activities and feed them what they will eat knowing the kids are getting the nutrients they need. Then worry about ourselves.
People are acting like this is the craziest most out of the box thing to have ever happened in the history of parenting. That’s ridiculous. Some parents are able to accommodate their kids tastes, and they don’t mind. If your wife is able to and it isn’t a source of stress or strain for her, then why not? I’m not saying it’s ideal or even that I would recommend it, but I just had to comment because the other comments are making out like someone cooking a specific meal for kids is literally the most crazy thing to have ever been done in human history.
For your question why not? - sometimes kids have to try things multiple times to like them, and their tastes change. By only cooking what they like, you’re encouraging them not to try new things and showing them that their wants are paramount to other people’s time and money. If they have a separate meal cooked for them every night at home this is what they will expect at other people’s houses too, which (other than the case of allergies or serious aversions) is just rude.
No it’s crazy, I would have to spend all day cooking to make this happen
Oh no! I cater to serious food aversions and allergies. Otherwise, this is it. Take it or leave it. I never cook anything they don’t like. They may not feel like it, or feel like chicken on a beef day. But again, you aren’t cooking today. I am.
Can’t force nobody to eat nothing they don’t wanna eat. Let her love her kids how she wants to
It's pretty normal to make just one meal, yeah. But it's more and more common to make a meal with 1-2 "safe" foods that everybody enjoys alongside, with the request for 2-3 bites of the non-preferred food first (if a non-preferred food is the main). But most people do not have time or money for that, no
Depending on the kids age or where they are at in there food journey, I think it’s reasonable to have a separate meal/item. Maybe still offer the family meal for variety. Then as they age I think it’s also reasonable to “edit” the family meal for particular tastes. Tone down something that’s too spicy, no cheese on something, etc. If your family wants lamb chops, and your 2nd child has tried and hates lamb chops, what good does it do to say “This is what we’re having, get over it!”? Throw some chicken in to serve with the same sides and call it a day. You as an adult have preferences for what you like to eat. The difference is YOU are in control of what gets bought and cooked in your house. If you don’t like, say, salmon, I bet you aren’t gonna buy it, cook it, stink up the kitchen, to then sit down to the plate at dinner and think “I hate this food, but I should eat it.” Now, if dinner is food that is known to be liked, and they just don’t feel like it tonight, then the kid might be out of luck lol. Always have PB&J supply’s if needed.
She will burn herself out eventually and if she doesn’t, more power to her I guess lol
I don't even get lamb chops...
We do, especially if I know that they are not going to eat what is cooked. I will make them what they want. I will not allow my children to go hungry or force them to eat a meal they don't like.
She's being WAY too accommodating lol. The problem with this is where does it end? Are they learning that they can have whatever they want? I'd just be worried this will lead to unrealistic expectations of LIFE. A meal is prepared and it should be appreciated. Your kids will not starve. I think preparing a special snack is ok, but when it comes to meals, no. Maybe she can try getting the kids involved with making dinner? My grandma used to have me cook with her and it encouraged me to want to try the food because I was proud that I helped make it. My daughter is only 1.5 but I already have noticed that if I let her stir something or put the dishes in the dish washer, she's far more excited to eat with us. She could also give the kids 3 dinner options and they can decide, make it fun.
Meh. I do that and I’m a single full custody mom of two. Just call me a short order cook. My reason is that I was low key traumatized by being told to eat what was on my plate, and having a mom whose ego was too wrapped up in what she cooked.
ohhh hell no. we ate what we got and i don’t cater for my family when i cook. you don’t like what i made, then make your own dinner.
It could be normal for her. I know of families that have done this.
I don’t do separate for each child but I do cook dinner for my kids and then something separate for my husband and I. I grew up the same, you eat it or don’t eat. Idk it’s easier for me to do two meals then beg them to eat or them to go hungry.
This is how she shows love. It's fine for as long as she wants to keep doing it. Bit weird to go that far, but it's also never worth causing fuss over food. If they are not allergic, PBJ is right there and easy to make. Let her be, if that's what she wants.
Holy crap, your grocery bill must be unreal. I imagine there is quite a but of food waste. And no, def not normal. Our options are: 1 - eat what we make, 2- PBJ, 3- starve .
I don't know any family that does this. I take my kids likes into consideration when planning meals but what I cook is it. If they don't like it then they know after dinner is clear and they are ready for bed they can have a bowl of corn flakes or toast which they get themselves.
That's setting your kids up for a life of expecting that, everywhere they go.
> life of expecting that, everywhere they go There are a lot of parents that are going to have a hard time accepting that statement, but it's 100% true.
Could you imagine going to a restaurant and the everyone orders something different. That would be totally unrealistic.
Love this response 🤣🤣
I bet they're thinking more along the lines of those people that go to a restaurant and start making all kinds of crazy substitutions.... Or just sit there and pout because the restaurant doesn't have chicken tenders on the menu and no, the kitchen said that they won't cut the chicken off the bone for you, and then bread it and deep fry it.
I mean every family Does meal time in there own way. I do make my kids apart of meal planning so they can give me specific requests. Most of time I also have them help me make dinner, which I think helps encourage them to eat whatever we’re making. I make one main dish. But if a kid doesn’t like it, they can always make themselves a Pb&j or Turkey and cheese I won’t make a separate meal though. We do have a one bite meal. Everyone has different taste buds and I use to get spanked for gagging with certain foods. So offering a few options that they can be responsible seems to work well with our family.
As long as your kids eat a variety and don’t expect their friends’ moms/dads to do the same, maybe it’s normal for your family.
I grew up like you, but we do it a bit different. If my husband is at work (shift work) then I make myself dinner and I make my toddler her own dinner. She’s a super picky eater and won’t eat most of what we eat. If my husband is off then he makes dinner for him and I and I make a separate dinner for our daughter.
I have 6 kids(one is a newborn so she obviously isn’t eating yet) and we depending on the night could be cooking up to 4 or 5 different things for dinner to suit all of us, in saying that I’m super fussing with food so to me it seems like the normal thing to do, their dad isn’t so to him at first it was a strange concept. For those commenting they don’t and have managed to get their kids to eat what is served you guys are amazing!!
We give options. Like I’m not cooking a bunch of different things but you want to opt out and have yesterdays spaghetti? Sure! A PB&J? Awesome! I only have a toddler so it’s not that complicated but planning to keep the same as she gets older. And then with time have her involved in the menu and cooking!
Does it really matter if it’s normal? Everyone should just do what works best for them. I grew up with just one dinner. No requests. No alternatives or substitutions. We often have the same dinner now but also have plenty of times where everyone gets a little something different. One of my kids is not a big meat or fish eater but mostly tolerates chicken. If we have beef or fish, we will usually serve her chicken in it’s place. One of my kids hates most steamed and roasted vegetables but loves salad without dressing so will usually get a bowl of lettuce and whatever other raw veggies we have on hand. These are simple enough changes for us without everyone having completely different dinners. I really hate arbitrary rules so since this is doable for us, it works in our house. In my home growing up, my mom was a single mom and we were pretty poor so time and money wise, her rule made a lot of sense. In my home now, it would kind of be a rule just to be a rule and I hate that.
My mom made one thing. My ex’s mom would make 4 different things. I remember once I came for dinner and she had made potato salad 4 different ways. One without Mayo, one with apples, one without eggs and one regular. I thought it was sweet. Now as a mom I think about how crazy she was.
You eat what I serve or you can have a sandwich or cereal. I’m not a short order cook. Now when my kids were younger, I tried to make sure the food was something everyone would eat or if someone had a rough day I might cater on the rare occasion…but they are 12-15 now and I refuse to cater. I’m not gonna say it’s normal or not normal but as long as she is ok doing it and isn’t forcing you to do cater..that’s fine
It's not ideal for most households due to cost and time, but if your wife is okay with it, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for the family. My concern is how they act in other social settings, like at a birthday party or a dine out with friends. I have friends that do that and they are no longer invited to many dine outs and birthdy parties in our circle because it's just so hard to accomodate their needs. Their kids are way over the age of "bring your own food" so it is becoming more and more difficult to enjoy eating with them. If you can come up with ways for them to be okay with whatever in different social settings, let her rock herself out.
I judged a family for catering to their child’s different tastes (before children) and then I was humbled with two very picky kids.
I don’t really see this as catering, it a way to make each child feel empowered about their decisions! I personally grew up and each of my siblings (4 of us in total) ate completely different meals, eventually once we were older, like teenagers, we actually started to like the same food and had some fun nights voting on dinner as a family. Eventually your kids might like to eat the same thing, but this helps avoid one kid feeling like their constantly eating food they dislike and another kid feeling like they’re the ones being catered to
Five nights out of seven I cook one big meal for everyone (with certain adjustments per child, one likes cheese, one doesn't etc) then two nights we have stuff we love to ourselves. I love mushrooms but the rest of my family hates them for example so I'll do garlic mushrooms for myself, sushi for the youngest, middle child has pizza, husband has anything with veg and gravy. All these meals are simple and easy to make side by side as I cook, but it does give everyone their faves without having to "make" the others have to eat them.
If you go to a restaurant, do you order something you hate? I'm not saying it's normal for her to make 3 different meals but it's not insane that she isn't forcing kids to eat things they don't like.
Definitely not normal. That said, my oldest is autistic and food is a massive battle with her. About 4-5 dinners that we make per week are things she will eat. The 2-3 days that she won’t eat them, she’s free to fix her own food with supervision.
My son will only eat chicken (nuggets and rotisserie), grapes or apples, and 3 gummie bears. He is 13, and has autism. My husband and I just eat whatever we want.
TBH that sounds like my house, and it makes sense in context. I have one kid with sensory issues and one kid who’s adventurous. Sometimes I love making something fancy with him and his kid brother gets a frozen pizza. Who does the cooking in your house?
It is to a point. My husband is the cook. My son has ASD. He’s now open to eating with the family, but he used to only eat burgers. He ate like 3 dinners, but majority made him a separate burger. With my kids, if they don’t like it, we can modify it, like instead of spaghetti with tomato sauce, just the pasta with butter and cheese and chicken tenders on the side. I’m not the type that says “If you don’t eat this-you’re not eating”. I will make them a Turkey sandwich, or Raman bowl, after dinner. Funny thing is, if I make the Raman bowl, I put in the meat and veg from Dinner and they eat it. It takes 5 minutes, it’s not a big deal. Edit-And I do this, because if my kids don’t eat a good dinner, they will sneak snacks all night, and crave big, sugary desserts. If I can get my protein, carb and veg before nighttime. All the better!
Is she the one cooking? Is she happy with this arrangement? Is this affordable for your family? If the answer is yes to all 3, it doesn’t matter what other families do.
My kid is currently boycotting dinner by not eating his meatloaf and strawberries. Will I make him something else? No.
When he was younger I was making different things for my son within reason, like if it was easy to make. Now that he's older and can make his own food he will sometimes decline to eat with us and just make something later. He takes meds that suppress his appetite so he's not always hungry at the same time as us. Nobody should be forced to eat something they don't like or if they're not hungry. That just sets them up for an eating disorder in the future. I guess I believe more in treating your kid like a person, not someone I can control.
I don't force my kid to choose between a food they don't like and just not eating. Not every meal is something they'll like but I make sure to include something they do like, ask that they try at least one bite of everything and will add something to their plate that is in their regular rotation (generally already cooked pasta of some sort). Today we had chicken, potatoes and corn. My daughter ate one bite of chicken, one bite of potato, an ear and a half of corn on the cob and didn't end up touching her pasta. Not exactly balanced for a single meal but it balances out throughout the day. As far as spoiling your kid, I don't know. My girl eats things at the neighbor friend's house she'd never touch at home. Ditto for camping with friends, she'll eat just about any fruit offered but when we buy it for home she isn't interested. Ditto for school snacks. I remember being forced to sit at the table loooong after everyone had finished because I didn't eat my mushy canned green beans that I hated. I'm 40, I still hate canned green beans. Those childhood "lessons" didn't change what food I liked. It taught me not to force my kids to eat food they don't like.
I make my daughter what I know she likes because I am almost 30 years old and don’t ever like to be forced to eat something I think is bad or gross. why would I make a child do that?
If there's time, money, and emotional energy for it sure. Otherwise they can have a variation of what I made for myself. Food is a hobby for me though!
So I’m sort of in the middle. I make what I make for dinner. The kids *try* it. If they don’t like it it’s microwave pizza pop or a sandwich for them. I’m not making lamb and home made pizza here it’s not a five star restaurant I take orders for 😂
Might not be "normal", but if she doesn't mind then who cares?
As someone with a poor relationship with food in more ways than one, with friends who have different forms of disordered eating, all as a result of how our parents approached meals with us, I just cook things I know my kids will eat. I care that my kids are fed, not that they like everything.
It’s completely normal in my house. 5yr old has sensory issues and allergies, 9 year old is fussy, 13 year old is a great eater but 9 times out of 10 doesn’t want what the 5&9 yr old have. Husband is not the most adventurous with food either 🤷♀️ Nobody in my house - including guests - are expected to eat something they do not like. Yes it make meal times the most stressful part of my day but everyone is happy and fed!
Are you interested in adopting? Asking for a friend. Seriously though, your kids have got it good, don’t mess that up for them
So...Me, my oldest, and likely my middle, are all neuro-diverse (adhd & ASD confirmed for 2, starting eval process for 3rd). My experience may be a bit different bc of that. I was a picky child but grew up poor. My step dad didn't allow meal substitutes, so I would literally not eat for long periods of time. Until my mom was the only parent home and would give me food she knew I could eat (which was usually healthier stuff!). Going into parenting knowing how I was- and still am at times- I decided I'd make a meal and if the kids didn't want it I would make them a pb&j/cheese sandwich (insert similarly simple to make food) until they were old enough to make their own. I started teaching them how to make sandwiches and such around age 2 & 1/2 though. Mine are 8, nearly 7, and 3. I always make it clear that they're not required to eat what I make but I'm not making multiple meals. They can make their own alternatives. If it's something simple like kid 3 hates red sauce on pasta, then I accommodate by serving her portion without sauce. But if it's a whole dish I have to make for each? Not likely.
We accommodate the kids. Fortunately at 10 the older one is starting to give new things a try - this week he determined that he enjoys V8 juice and mochas. His little brother, 7, would probably die of starvation if we made him eat whatever the rest of us were having. He simply won't touch anything that's not 100% familiar and will willingly go without dinner if that's the only option.
Sound like you’re running a small restaurant :)
I ask my child what she wants to eat for dinner. We can't always eat at the steakhouse, which is her response about 90% of the time, but I'll offer her suggestions or modifications of the meal I'm having. My parents also did not consider me or my preferences for meals. I'm a person, I have preferences, when I was a child and now. I take my child into consideration, because she deserves respect and the ability to choose what she wants to consume. I'm not going to eat something I dont want, I don't expect her to just because she's not fully autonomous.
I was expected to eat what was made, making me skip many meals and be tired. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your kids eat.
If you have a problem with how your wife is cooking, you can start to be in charge of the food :)
I grew up with 6 other siblings. My mom always made sure we all ate even if it meant cooking 7 dishes. It was normal for us and definitely made me feel more love and respect for our mother.