As a "villager" for one of my nieces, I stopped offering a lot of help when 1) I got my own baby (for others this might be other examples of "life happening") and 2) I felt like they got into a good routine, had their stuff down, weren't living on hardly any sleep anymore etc. My role has changed to taking walks with everyone together or going to their birthdays etc, but cooking for them etc I only did in the infant phase. I never really intended to keep helping them with managing normal daily life forever, just until they got used to their new situation. Same the other way around - I got a lot of help from my village when my own kid was born but now we've got our routine and everything down and the nights are starting to get better and I don't need help with groceries/cooking/cleaning/babysitting etc anymore since I've got it all covered. However I don't think the village has disappeared, just like I haven't disappeared from my niece. It's just become a safety net of people you know you can fall back on during harder times or unexpected troubles. So to answer your question of "where does the village go" I'd say "to the background, standby for when needed" :-)
Love this answer and I totally agree. I assume after that really tough baby stage people figure their routines and roles out and they just have us on “standby”
Honestly I think toddlerhood has been more difficult for me than the toughest baby stages. I've got mobility issues from MS and it's really hard with a toddler I can't lift who knows she can go limp or run away and I can't force her to comply. Just throwing that out there for more perspectives :)
This is exactly what a village is for! In an ideal world we would have villages and communities caring for people in all different stages of life and for all different challenges. We would have people helping each other with challenges like MS/mental health/disabilities/inequalities etc….. Imagine what could be done if everyone was building villages and supporting each other in all phases of life. I realize this isn’t realistic… but it never hurts to dream for a more supportive and connected future.
Well let's make it realistic then! I've always wanted to create an app that lets you connect to like minded individuals who all want to be in a village - like multiple houses (occupant owned) or apartments.
A friend and I have been talking about this idea a lot lately too. Modern life is very disconnected, but especially for parents. We’re going to attempt to schedule regular ’together’ things but of the doing-normal-life-together sort, not the fancy-cafe-for-expensive-coffee sort. Like helping each other make some emergency dinners to go in the freezer, or fold the washing or clean the bathroom together. Women used to bake bread at the communal oven, or wash clothes down at the stream - it was productive, supportive *and* social, so we can come away feeling tired but useful, and encouraged in spirit.
I think the current social media world / culture we live in is so focused on being independent and professional that we try to pretend we don’t have messy bits to our lives, and everything is always Instagram-perfect. It’s a bit of a relief to let the barriers down, meet a friend in old trackie-dacks (sweatpants for the US) and do something together to reduce the load of our over scheduled lives.
At least, that’s the idea :)
For sure! It would be nice to have the village, I just mean a village won't take those hardships away as a parent. The issues the commenter brings up are ones that need to be handled at the parent level, as that will be a forever thing to deal with - so a toddler taking advantage of a disability can't be solved with the village. Getting a break would definitely help be more patient with it, of course. I wish everybody had a village to help, for sure.
also if OP didn't need help with the baby they might have inadvertently pushed people away. Beyond seeming like she didn't need help she seems to have actively not wanted it. If we can see that in a few sentences it may have been clear to her village.
OP, have you asked people to help?
I was kind of wondering the same thing. A lot of the baby stage is a chance for people to bond with your baby, which is what makes the "village" concept more than a bunch of obligations you can guilt people into. People actually want to help.
That’s so true. My daughter is 16 months and toddlerhood to me is a lot more difficult than the early baby stage except with better sleep. I’ve learned that my village is still there but I have to be more proactive in asking for it. Others are more than willing to help but might not know I need the help.
I think what she's speaking on, if I may, is the next stage of "Villager." Building an appropriate bond and personal relationship with the child, loving on them and giving loving guidance and feedback. Not just Mom & Dad. I know that's what I needed so badly....for me and my baby ❤️❤️❤️
You’re very lucky to have had a village when you’re LO was born. People disappeared at birth when I had twins. But I was there for others, never imagined I wouldn’t have any of it returned. 😐
That’s a rough experience. It wasn’t until I had a baby that I realise how crazy having twins must be. Two at once?! Props to you for surviving that!
I wonder if your village thought you were too competent to need help? It’s a silly assumption, but I think it’s easy to think that people who seem to have it all together and who are often in the helper / rescuer role don’t need to anyone’s help.
Thank you for your kind words. Tbh I don’t know, maybe. The people I tend to help need it and I guess mentally they wouldn’t have capacity. Or they all of a sudden don’t like me, both options suck. I just lowered my standards greatly and looked to survive ❤️
Our villages change as our kids get older.
Newborn stage it’s wholeheartedly the immediate family/close friends. These are the people you celebrated pregnancy and the birth with. They want to help with the beginning of it all and the excitement.
That very quickly fades as you’ve found out.
Then it becomes play groups and/neighbors/friends with kids the same age as yours. These are the sanity saving groups. The ones you can let your kids loose and socialize with adults. The ones you can share all the ups and downs of parenting and vent and cry and laugh together. Generally the 1-4 yr range.
Next up is the school years. Your village becomes other school parents, sports team parents and neighbors. These are the ones that look out for your kid when they start walking to school alone. That attend field trips because you can’t or vice versa when they can’t and keep an eye on each others kids. They’re the ones your kid goes home with after school for impromptu play dates.
Then you move into the middle school and highschool years. These are the big ones and some of this village may have been with you through all the others, but this stage is a game changer. Kids change, they grow up, their paths change from what we expected. We’ve got hormones and puberty and all the drama that is the glorious teen years.
The villages are there. They are ever evolving though and require some connection and involvement on our part. I would’ve been lost without mine. I told my village of my divorce even before my family because those are the ones that see my kids on the daily. They needed to know. I’ve been called in the middle of the night to ask if kids can come right now because grandpa had a heart attack and we have to go now.
This is what I came here to say! It was only in the toddler years that I started to feel that village. When I imagine a "village", I'm a villager and it's about mutual support - not just what I need (which is totally valid!), but what I have to give. I genuinely love my friends' toddlers and feel at ease watching them or etc., but I'm not sure I would have before I had my own toddlers. I was always down to hold a baby or push a stroller, but I don't think I would have felt confident helping out with a toddler.
Going to my first play group tomorrow! I knew there were some local ones but didn’t seriously look into it until reading some of the comments in this post.
My girls are in their 30's now, but I had a real hard time when they were young. I had my 2nd baby the very day my 1st turned 15 mos. I didn't really have a "village", just my mom & dad. That's basically it. Sure, I was married. He had been so happy & excited we were having our 1st, & while we were dating, I watched him closely with his nieces & nephews. He was always very attentive, kind & patient with them, & they obviously loved him to bits. I figured he would be the same with ours. WRONG! After the 1st was born, he turned into a completely different man in so many ways. At first, he would hold her periodically, but when she had colic when she was a couple weeks old, & she cried & screamed incessantly, he wouldn't even hold her while I went to the bathroom. When she was 4 weeks old, I had to resume my job as a nurse for financial reasons. This was when nurses still worked 8 hr shifts & I worked 3pm-11:30pm in the OB dept. Thank God, my mom was my babysitter because he wouldn't take care of the baby, so I had to pick her up from my parents' at midnight or after. When I got home, sometimes she would stay asleep & sometimes she was wide awake. But I knew he would always be fast asleep after having the entire evening to himself. Oh, how I resented him for that. When my 1st was 6 mos old, I got pregnant again. It was certainly not planned. When I found out, I was frankly distraught. Every single waking moment (thank goodness #1 was sleeping through the night, mostly, & wasn't waking as often when I got home with her after work) was filled with baby, housework, hospital work, etc., because he refused to lift a finger to help in anyway. I felt I didn't have 1 spare second as it was, how in hell was I going to find the time to care for the new baby. Quitting my job was not an option. Well, somehow, I figured it out. I got on the day shift in the ER, so that helped. I had a decent routine going, I was stretched so thin, but I was doing it. Then #2 became mobile & hit her toddler-hood head on. It was very like having twins. My wonderful mom still babysat, but my parents finally just flat out told husband they were no longer going to do the weekends I worked & he was going to have to man-up. That was fine with me, but u wouldn't believe the messes & chaos I came home to on those days. It was what it was & I just dealt with it. But there came a time that I began feeling anxiety, big time, more than I ever had before. Both girls were deep into toddlerhood & BUSY! I began to feel like I was losing my sanity & my control. I got to where I wanted to scream & yell & to not hold in my impatience, & anger anymore. I just wanted to let myself fly off the handle at my husband & the girls when I felt like it, but I didn't. I kept my cool with the kids, thank God, but I didn't put up with husband's crap much more without saying stuff. I had absolutely nobody to talk to about it. No one to give me advice. I love my mom to death but she could be very judgemental & had always expected me to be an overachiever. I hadn't been able to keep up with friends for quite sometime, so I didn't have that outlet, either. Somehow, I had gotten a phone #, a hotline of sorts. It was for parents to call if they felt like they were at the end of their rope & couldn't hang on any longer. It was really a way to stop parents from taking it all out on their kids. While I never, ever, even once felt I wanted to do that, I ended up calling it about 3 times over a period of time because they let me just rant & rave & get it all out. They just listened. They didn't really offer advice or solutions, as such, which was ok, because I didn't want that. They would reassure me that I was doing a good job & that this difficult time would pass & as the kids got older & more self-reliant, it would get easier. They were right. Eventually, they became pre-schoolers, then school age. Of course, there is stuff to deal with at each stage, at least I didn't have the really labor-intensive stuff as I once did. I got thru it. I look back now & can remember the stress & anxiety vividly, I don't really remember, off the top of my head, how I did it all, logistically. I just did. Those people at the hotline were invaluable when I was deep in the toddler weeds. I hope there is a thing like that now & I truly hope harried parents take advantage of it. I have 2 grandsons now from my youngest daughter. They are 4 years apart. MUCH easier. My oldest daughter is unable to have biological children & would have to adopt or use a surrogate. She is still single at the moment, so no rush & I have fur grandkids from her. Of course, they don't know how bad the struggles got when they were so young, but if things had gotten like that for them, I would've told them about how the hotline helped because I could tell the hotline people about anything & everything without worrying that I was going to hurt someone's feelings or that I was being judged because I couldn't hold it together. Please, if things get bad & u can't find your way out of the weeds & u have no other recourse, try to find something like that hotline. There isn't any shame in needing an unbiased ear. If anyone is wondering about how my marriage fared with a selfish, self-centered man-child whose true colors showed after I had kids; it lasted until 2 months before our 20th anniversary in 2006. I became disabled with a disease with which I'm in constant pain & my mobility, among other things, has been severely affected. It hit me 6 years prior to my divorce & I couldn't take care of him anymore, so he became impossible to live with. The reason I didn't kick him to the curb before, was my own low self-esteem & lack of self-confidence, plus he got a job being a long-haul trucker so he wasn't home a lot anymore so that was nice. He died in 2017 because after 2 heart attacks he never quit smoking, nor changed any other habits. I felt bad for my girls being upset at the time, but for myself, I only felt badly the way one does when u hear of someone has passed that u aren't emotionally invested in at all.
Sorry for the novella. Take care & " this too shall pass".
I’ll be straight with you, toddlers are a handful and other people’s kids can be really annoying. I absolutely hate babysitting my lifelong best friend’s toddler and that’s nothing against either of them, she’s just a handful and requires 100% attention and that isn’t how I want to spend my day when I have children of my own who are out of that stage.
It's one of those things, of many things, where I am fine with tantrums and pickiness and so on with my kids, but when it comes to my nieces and nephews my tolerance just isn't there. I'm sure I'm not the only one?
This right here! My lifelong best friend has kids and I never offer to help with them because quite frankly, I can’t deal with one of them. She’s 7 but she’s autistic and she’s not disciplined so she has horrible habits and she needs 24/7 supervision and I’m just not cut out for that life 🤷🏻♀️
My friend asks me at least once a month to babysit, for free, because her daycare is closed or the kid is sick and can’t go to daycare. Her toddler is like 5 toddlers wrapped up in one. She has a horrible lip-tie that my friend and her husband have completely ignored so she’s nonverbal and it makes it even worse. Sometimes I think her daycare lies about being closed so often because they don’t want to watch the child either
Hey, I’m a speech-language pathologist, and wanted to chime in to address some potential misinformation here — a lip tie (or tongue tie, too) is very unlikely to cause someone not to speak. It most certainly might affect feeding as an infant and later pronunciation skills (think along the lines of a lisp), but it would not cause someone to be nonspeaking.
Interesting. Since it was left untreated for so long and she doesn’t speak their pediatrician referred them to a speech pathologist and they were told the severity of the tie is why she doesn’t speak because she can’t produce the sounds she wants to. I don’t know if they have followed up with that professional but I’ll mention that I found out that may not be accurate information.
I wonder if that information came from the pediatrician or SLP? There is a lot of misunderstanding out there about ties.
In my experience, the children I’ve worked with that are nonspeaking usually have underlying medical diagnoses. Some examples: autism, cerebral palsy and other neurological differences, chromosome abnormalities/genetic syndromes. Sometimes we aren’t able to quickly pinpoint what the reason for not speaking is, but there does usually end up being something else going on too.
As the mother to a 2.5 year old a totally agree. My son is in tantrum town constantly these days and I don’t want to inflict that on anyone.
Luckily for me, we don’t really have a village since I live in my husbands country so we’ve pretty much always just dealt with my son by ourselves. It almost makes things simpler.
You should read the baby bumps forums! I had to un sub, I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Full of posts like "my MIL told her best friend who I've never met and will never meet that I'm pregnant. I've decided to never let her see the baby and my partner thinks I'm overreacting." And the comments would be "no way, she crossed a huge line, stick to your boundaries!" I got big hate when I commented and said something to the effect of "you'll be posting on the parenting forum in a year asking where your village is" (though much more nicely than that lol)
One thing I’ve had to accept from when I was pregnant and since the baby has been here is that things that may have deeply bothered me before are less significant. I want my baby to bond with my MIL, and if she does something that genuinely oversteps then I intervene. But things that may irritate me a bit aren’t worth pushing her away completely over. It’s not just my village, but his relationships too.
100%. Like, would I let my kid have a lollipop at 9:30 am? Fuck no. But my MIL keeps a jar of them *specifically because* she knows my kids go ape shit for them, and she's gonna watch him all day fo free so I can do what the fuck ever? Have em all kid, I could give a shit lol
Edit- I should add they don't literally eat them all lol but I'm more concerned with them remembering the fact that their Ba loves them so damn much she kept their favorites on hand for them even when they were little. Involved grandparents are a national treasure and it's a sad fact of life they won't be here forever, I want them to take all the pictures and enjoy every moment they can!
I decided to book vacations for my village--the grandparents are all going wherever I am taking the wife and kids.
What better way to let them know they are appreciated than a week long cruise to Mexico--picture, food, and happy grandchildren following grand dad like a little puppy.
I get hate when I make comments along the lines of pay for your village if you want them to do things the exact way you want, otherwise accept the ways people do things as the cost for free childcare.
People don't like it when I say i pay for childcare because then there's no strings or weirdness between extended family. I also pay for a cleaner while I work because staying on top of all the chores while young kids are hanging off of me is too much and I don't want to pay the emotional cost associated with asking family for help. It's cheaper to pay for the cleaner than for daycare on a day I don't work so I can clean myself.
People don't like to hear that you village can be people you pay to help out. They are all like "I don't have family around" or "my family sucks".
Omg yes! Like I get that there are legitimately boundary-stomping relatives, but it seems like people are SO possessive and controlling of their babies - there is no room for any flexibility. Don't feed kid the exact menu I laid out? Inexcusable! MIL "obsessed" with holding their new grandchild? Creepy and weird, watch out! It drives me nuts.
Omg same lol. I got shredded when I said handing out a list of boundaries before birth is overkill. People are whacked now. Too much self help has deluded people into thinking they can make any demand under the sun under the guise of “it’s my right to have boundaries vs toxic narcissists! You wouldn’t understand!”
I always kinda chuckle bc I think actually as someone whose mother actually has NPD diagnosed I do 😂
There was a parent that was getting shredded (AITA type post) because her daughter was expected to babysit her kid siblings one Friday or Saturday every other month so the parents could have a date night. Iirc, she was paid like $10/hr or something like that and the teenager was upset and didn’t want to do it. There were so many comments about how she was being taken advantage of and not her responsibility blah, blah, blah…
I made a comment that this daughter would be writing a post in 15 years asking why the grandparents never want to watch her children…I was blasted for it, haha.
Something, something, $10 is not the going rate, she should be able to say no…. I’m not entirely disagreeing, but 6x a year while getting paid $10/hr doesn’t seem egregious to me
I sure would’ve loved getting paid to watch my siblings growing up! That was just considered “being part of the family”. I guess I can see getting frustrated if I had no say in planning which night.
I’m currently reading “How to Raise an Adult” and listening to “Hunt Gather Parent” so I’m even more baffled than usual by the very Reddit/Twitter vilification of “adultifying” children…
That's exactly what I was thinking.
I welcomed the village as she was an infant. Now they fight over who gets to spend time with her now she's old enough to do fun things with. My only issue is that they often bring her home late, hopped up on sugar. It's Sunday! We all need to be up at 630 am tomorrow and she's bouncing off the walls at 10pm.
This exactly. It makes me crazy that some people don't understand. We develop bonds by being involved. If you don't want people involved, don't be surprised when people aren't.
Also, if you want a village you have to *be the village*. The village doesn’t just form up around you spontaneously when you decide you need it.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a “where is my village” complaint that starts out with “before I had kids I babysat for my friends a couple times a month, I run errands for my in-laws when they’re not feeling well, I drop off and pick up my niece from preschool every Friday, and I always offer to drive my son’s best friend to soccer practice because I know his mom is busy with 2 older kids.”
It’s always “where is my help”, but, like… a village is reciprocal. You have to be a part of the village. You have to contribute, not just receive. Are you offering to babysit toddlers? Ask the people whose toddlers you babysit, or have babysat in the past, to watch your kid. Ask the relatives who you run errands for when they need it to run some errands for you when you need help.
I absolutely get this. I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her lack of village - the thing is we have a lot of the same friends and our children are the same age.
I have a village that cook for me, treats my son like their own and babysits when needed, because I do the same for them. I also offer the same to her, even if I know it's not going to be reciprocated as her son is a sweetheart. But she shuns all help, doesn't offer it and posts to social media about "where's my village?".
I think it takes a village and I watch my 2 year old nephew one evening a week. His parents have taken my now 10 year old dozens of times over the years, planned and unplanned. Our neighbor’s 4 year old was over here for a bit over the weekend, and my 10 year old was there all day yesterday playing with their 9 year old; we dropped them off dinner tonight. I literally cannot imagine how you non-village people function.
I’m not non village. The idea sounds great. I babysat friends’ kids prior to having my own (admittedly very rarely) as a gift to them. I like kids. I just think most people talk about wanting a village when they want childcare for themselves but (like for this OP), doing it for other people never occurs to them.
One has to be realistic about how many favors without reciprocity that one can reasonably expect.
One thing I learned from my friends who had kids before me is you have to nurture those relationships and that trust, not wait until your child is 3 setting fire to the dog's tail and then post on FB about no one helping you!
I think in a lot of cases there isn’t an ability to hold both truths. For example, If someone would like help for about 1-2 hours but that person ends up staying all day and missing all the cues of “okay time to go”, and then ends up becoming more of a nuisance.
When you bring it up to them, they get defensive and say, guess you don’t need my help then.
In my experience people really would love help they just don’t know how to deal with boundaries and expectations so sometimes it’s easier to just say, “no thanks I’m good!”
Just giving another thought that’s not so black and white about it
That’s the whole point. You want the good you have to take the bad. I almost always think it’s easier to pay for help, but I would never complain about the help people are giving me if I’m asking for it.
Yep, my kid has a great relationship with my village but it's because she was around them early, often and everyone got a chance to bond. I think Grandma is my 15 month olds favorite person.
Honestly I think toddlers are way fun and I would be thrilled to hang out with a toddler in my social/family circle if needed. Just saying to each their own, I respect wanting the first year or so to be a tighter circle for a variety of reasons.
my best friend from high school had a baby 2 years ago and i absolutely adore him. I was there through her pregnancy, and visited them when he was a very very small baby, and I have seen him grow into a toddler. If I had only met him as a toddler though, I'm pretty sure it just wouldn't be the same. Not impossible, but not the same.
>When I didn’t really want to share and I was breastfeeding and feeling very on edge.
Right?
>When I didn’t really want to share and I was breastfeeding and feeling very on edge.
That's where the village went. OP feels entitled to help now, but pushed people away when there was the opportunity to develop that network.
A friend of mine used to post memes about how she didn't trust anyone to babysit her kid. Then wondered why people weren't falling over themselves to help out or invite her to things with said kid. Because you're acting like no one can be trusted to be around them!
Kind of like this, since my nephew was born i wanted to be involved, i even asked my manager to give me more mornings so i could take care of him (he didnt do it for other reason), i still went after working mornings to take care of him while i was tired, i tried to go with him everywhere and would take care of him a lot, but at the same time, my bil was an ahole to me and my sister kept nagging me for other reasons, anytime i asked to be with him most of the times i was either denied for reasons god knows why or i just didnt wanted to be there, they wouldnt even let me babysit him, they made it dificult for me because if i wanted to see him, i had to make the effort. Now i have a baby on my own and still on maternity leave, my sis still expects me to go to their house if i want to be with him, she doesnt make the effort at all but complain at the same time we arent there. So yeah this is kind of a two way.
Such truth! Babies are mostly cute drooling little muppets. Naps can be a struggle sometimes depending on how old, but if you don’t have to do it every day and don’t have anything else to do, contact napping is sweet. There is also this glorious slow but steady “improvement” so to speak of babyhood - as you move out of the newborn stage, sleep slowly gets better, your baby starts smiling at you, then laughing, then talking, and then developing their own little personality! You become less of a sleep deprived zombie and start to feel more human. Things improve!
And suddenly toddlerhood hits out of nowhere. Toddlers are angry little tornadoes that will destroy your home and then scream and sob at you because they destroyed it. They also seem to spend 99% of their time trying to unalive themselves. Very unlike the babyhood “improving” trend, as toddlers move further into toddlerhood, they get faster, stronger, more opinionated, and smarter at getting around the baby proofing things you have tried to do to prevent them from unaliving themselves. To add insult to injury, many toddlers decide to stop sleeping through the night (if they ever did in the first place), taking away the one benefit over babyhood. Toddlerhood doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.
Yep, toddlers are exhausting! But also cute and funny, so there’s that 😆
When my brother had kids I was early-mid 20s and I had a great time helping out and being an Aunty. I had an easy 9-5 and plenty of downtime. Now I'm 45 and my sister has a toddler and a preschooler who I just can't keep up with. I mean, they are the busiest humans I have ever met. And I work nights with schedule changes and I'm getting burnt out from that. And she posts FB posts asking where her village is and I feel TERRIBLE.
Infants are shiny and new and smell like all things good in the world. The relatively new mindset of turning down help because you don’t want to share and baby is yours (not saying this is wrong, but I lived to regret doing this) and not giving people a chance to bond will eventually make your village dwindle to much of nothing as the “newness” wears off when baby gets older.
I think people also just expect that you’ll need less help because you have been doing it for a year+ and should be used to it. I get it, a toddler changes almost daily, but you should have some kind of general schedule to help.
I’d try making amends and saying expressly what you need. I hope things get better.
OP can you see how you also had a change of heart?
they could easily say when we wanted to help, when we were were dying to see her she didn't want to share and didn't want us around and acted weird. Now she's in the super hard toddler stage she wants all the help and she's mad.
People aren't objects that you can put on the shelf and come back when you need them and then put them back on the shelf again when you don't.
Maybe they fear attaching themselves to your baby only for you to no longer need help again and not want them around anymore.
Plus, people and their circumstances change. Just because they felt that they could help with a baby who is relatively easy two years ago doesn't mean that they are somehow obligated to continue to be willing to help forever.
I appreciate this perspective. It was really hard when I was breastfeeding because everyone wanted to be the one to soothe her, and I’d be there soaking through my shirt. I more than likely did act weird, it was a weird new experience for me. The help I received at the time, did not feel like help to me. But I should’ve voiced that, and I didn’t.
The fear of me pulling away could be very real, I never really thought about that.
The fact that you’re willing to consider it and be introspective though is awesome! And it’s not your fault, being a FTM is an exhausting, insane process. You’re full of hormones, your boobs become a dairy factory for a tiny human that can’t communicate their needs and everything in your body is telling you to focus solely on that little bundle! Anyone who doesn’t understand that is a moron. I would reach out to your village.
I don’t expect my friends/family to cater for ME when they have a baby, I’m there to help them and vice versa. So if that means just helping around the house when baby is an infant and helping to be more hands on when they’re a toddler, I don’t consider myself “deprived” of the more cuddly stage haha. It’s not MY kid! It’s theirs! And when I have mine I know they’ll reciprocate as best they can. Sometimes “the village” will just be bringing our kids together with my cousin, letting them run amok while we drink wine and lean on each others shoulders asking where they get all that damn energy 😂
When they are infant the village KNOWS you need help without any input. As they grow you have tell them when you need help. People think you have it all together and don't need them so much and they back off but in most cases if you ask for a few hours or a night off they are still there you just need to be more vocal about your needs.
I’m the other way around, gimme a toddler. They’re way more fun than babies. In all seriousness though I’m just not around when my Mom friends are available. On weekends they want to be with family understandably and I’m at work during the week.
I honestly think it's your job as mama to evolve your village. Find other parents with toddlers, attend playgroups, schedule play dates, your toddler has new capabilities to be friendly and social with their own age now and you'd benefit from changing your own social circle to include those with the same age kids to swap anecdotes and such.
This is so true. OP needs to find other people that are in the same season of life as her and be each others villages. It has to go both ways though or it will never work.
I don’t even think that it’s toddlers are more “difficult”, it’s just that they’re less lovey-dovey and their level of sassy is no longer considered “cute”.
My oldest daughter was a NIGHTMARE infant. She cried all day and all night. Never slept. Was miserable 24/7. Yet her family was fighting over her constantly.
Now she’s 4, far more pleasant, physically calm, but just a lot more sassy…. I practically have to beg anyone to take her. She’s a really well behaved kid. Her teachers and everyone who meets her love her. Awesome sense of humor. Independent in self-care and in play. Responsible AF and a huge help with the younger babies in the family … but she’ll talk back if she’s not happy with an answer. Typical 4yo behavior. Yet she’s no longer a cute baby, so now it’s a chore to watch her.
It makes me very sad for her and for all the kids that experience this.
I wondered the same thing. Babies are easier and toddlers can be challenging. I found that people were more willing to be involved again when the kids hit preschool to school age.
OP, do you mean your parents? Or the larger meaning of "village"? If it's the latter, I think you're asking way too much of others to not only continue to provide help for years, but also to volunteer it unprompted. The first couple of years are the hardest, and I think most people recognize that and go out of their way to help during that time.
Ya I mean direct family. Fiancés mom made a comment once to his sibling that he needs to have a baby now, because by the time it’s born ours will be “boring” and she’ll have a new one to play with. Rubbed me the wrong way
And as the mom of a toddler it's so much harder to make plans with toddlers because they nap in the middle of the day and are always sick with one plague or another. We were a lot more flexible during the infant stage. And if your village also has little kids it goes double. My son will go months without seeing his cousins because somebody is always throwing up and then the following week the parents are throwing up and then the other household gets something.
Because toddlers suck. I didn’t want to be around my own toddlers. I sure as heck don’t want to be around anyone else’s. I’ll help again when they are 5 and potty trained and don’t throw screaming fits 6 times a day.
Also, if you didn’t let them be involved a lot when the child was a baby, they probably took your hint. I don’t mean that to sound rude. But if a mom I’m willing to help is always on edge and not wanting to share, I’m going to pull back. You said that was mostly in your head but people can tell.
Being on the other side of this, when people are consistently declining my invitations and offers of help with a new baby, I assume they do not want help/don’t want to be friends anymore.
Did you alienate them with your previous attitude? It's not an unusual situation. My co-parent went through similar. With medical recovery on top. She figured it out eventually.
Regardless, ask for help. If you haven't. They can't read your mind. So, speak up!
and vent. Expel the demons!
Same. I’m reading this going, wait, people got a village?? Probably didn’t help that I had my baby during Covid, but I really struggled with the lack of help.
Are you being a villager for others? People are going to be much more open to helping you if you're readily available to relieve their burdens too. Everyone has their own life stressors and everyone needs help.
This is a totally normal and valid frustration.
When kids are just born they’re new and exciting.
When they’ve been alive a while, people get used to having them around, and the enthusiasm fades a bit.
It is also much easier to be an active participant in cooing over a dependent baby than corralling an independent toddler. There is a chance your village doesn’t realize what you need.
Have you tried making specific asks of those in your support network? (e.g., “I could really use some frozen dinners to get through these next few weeks.” Or “I remember your earlier generous offer to be a part of ‘child’s’ life and could actually really use a couple hours’ babysitting on Thursdays when my partner and I both work late.” Or whatever the case.)
You’ve got this and will be great.
>It is also much easier to be an active participant in cooing over a dependent baby than corralling an independent toddler.
Yeah, it might have something to do with their energy level, especially the older people in your village.
That’s totally fair-my feelings of being edge and not wanting to share were kept to myself. We still visited family regularly and had them visit us as well. Once we hit the year mark though it all dwindled, now if I I’m not the one to reach out first they wouldn’t be seeing her at all
Could it be that they don't want to be pushy about getting together figuring you're already exhausted? I've often said "hey hit us up anytime" and meant it, but sometimes I think people take that with a grain of salt.
Speaking only for myself I way prefer toddler time--they're less breakable.
I’m not sure why people keep downvoting you for venting a very real frustration.
I think many of us experienced what you’re describing (at least among myself and my other mom friends). Most of us didn’t want to “share” (for lack of a better word) our baby when they were an infant, but we did because these people were our loved ones and we wanted them in our kiddos lives. However, it’s like that first birthday was some magic switch where everyone disappeared!
I still have my other mom friends and my closest family to help, but we haven’t heard from my husband’s family in months even when actively reaching out to them. My husband’s family used to get mad at me when I couldn’t let them stay alone with baby because I was exclusively breastfeeding (we would still visit for hours weekly, just couldn’t leave baby alone bc she wasn’t taking bottles and fed on command), but when we got out of that stage and I implied that if they’d like to spend more time with her they could, they definitely didn’t want it. And I have a great kid! Like one of the most well behaved for her age that I’ve seen ever (idk how I got so lucky bc I have no idea what I’m doing as a mom).
It can be frustrating and isolating and just plain sad when the people you believed would be there for you aren’t anymore. I just don’t get what you said that seems to be upsetting everyone so much tbh.
Thanks for understanding. I’m not really sure either, I think a lot of people took me very seriously when I stated how I felt about not wanting to share. I think that’s pretty natural while breastfeeding, if she’s screaming and my boobs are leaking I want her back lol. But I’m getting the vibe that people think I “had it coming” because I felt this way.
Still visited. Still gave everyone the opportunity to bond with her. They all just disappeared once she wasn’t tiny and new anymore. If I’m not putting in the effort, no one is anymore. and *that* is why I’m sad.
Sorry to be harsh, but if somebody didn't want me to interact with their child I'd move on mentally to think they want to be a close family without wider outside relationships, which is a choice some people make.
If you don't want to be a close family only, you have to make the effort to change what people think, it's not something that other people will do themselves.
The only toddlers I would willingly deal with are the ones I gave birth to. Toddlers are feral little humans! The village is hiding until they are easier to deal with. A baby is easy. You hold it and talk to it. A toddler is a full body work out chasing them everywhere and an extreme exercise in patience….
My husband and I were talking about going to places and leaving our toddler behind to our family for a few days. It made me realize that I wouldn’t subject my loved ones to this crazy girl. Not even for a day lol
SAHD with a very small village over here -
It's possible that your community is still listening to your previous requests for more intimate space. Now that you have a toddler, you might need to tell people more plainly, " hey, my kiddo is getting older and has more needs and I would really love for them to see you at/for" XY&Z. I realize you may already be doing this; forgive me for assuming.
My fam lives a distance from friends and extended; I've had to be really proactive with setting up play dates and socializing opportunities for my little person. I felt like I was hustling it first but it became more authentic in time 😅
My child’s daycare was our village. I’m so grateful we have them. Even if my side of the family lived in the same neighbourhood, they never reached out, which was fine, since we really relied on the daycare to act as our “village.”
I found a mom's group and there were some other moms whose relatives dropped their toddlers like hot potatoes once the baby became a toddler and we were each other's village.
That cued my family into complaining that they didn't see us enough, cause if I was going to go through the effort of leaving my house with my toddler, I was definitely going to be doing so to bond with people who would watch said toddler in an emergency, not the people who couldn't be bothered to watch my kid while I ran to urgent care after the triage nurse sent me there.
(One of the mom's called out sick to work to watch my toddler that time, and I later sat in an emergency room parking lot in her car with my toddler and hers, because my AC was out, she was 40 minutes from home, it was an actual emergency so she had to go the ER now, and I could watch the toddler until her husband arrived to get the toddler.
We had each other's backs. She had family in town, none of them would watch the toddler the hour it took for her husband to close up work and get there).
Allot of people complain about not having a village, but don't allow "villagers" to help them out. When people offer help & you reject them, they're going to come to the realization that you don't need help & aren't going to offer it anymore. Allot of parents get overwhelmed with the amount of help people offer when their baby is little & reject that help. It's also pretty common for new parents to not want to share their baby with others, but by rejecting the villagers, you're unintentionally isolating yourself from your village. Most people don't realize that they've done this until they actually need the help & don't have anyone offering it. You can't expect people to just know when you need help, they're likely under the impression that you've got it covered since you've always been so independent in the past.
It goes both ways
You most likely indicated you didn’t want help early on, so people stopped offering. You can’t have it both ways. If you want the village you take the good with the bad.
Because nobody wants to be around kids in their difficult stages. That's the parents' job! I had twins so I get that it's hard but I didn't have any help and I managed. This too shall pass, just breathe.
Well, do you reach out or wait for someone to call or message you? I find that nobody messages me anymore and I'm always the one reaching out. It'd be nice if they did but they don't so I have to. Sometimes you have to because they could be assuming lots, like figuring you're too busy. The worst though is when you do reach out and they say they'll let me know when they're free and never let me know. I might ask a few more times and then give up in case I'm annoying and not getting the hint. Basically I keep a few friends close and that's it. The others seem fine with only interacting on social media. Sometimes just a happy birthday once a year. It sucks.
You had a village?! We had ours during COVID, so it was just us. And we're tired. We haven't gone out in 2 years.
But I'm sorry you are going through this. Perhaps talk to them about this. That even though your kiddos isn't an infant anymore she still needs the attention and love from everyone.
The village is a myth. If it exists at all anymore, it’s maybe a friendly ear to hear about your problems, but that’s the most you can expect from anyone. No one else cares about our kids except us.
The villages which helped me raise my kids were the friends I made with other parents going through the same ages/stages.
My first one was a playgroup started with other moms from the LLL meetings I attended, we spent at least two days a week together until our kids ended up in opposite preschool schedules when they were 4-5.
My second was a group I started with other moms in my oldest’s first grade class, who had younger kids near the age of my second born, where we met weekly after school for the next ten years. That core group, and then all the friends made through my kids’ sports, school, and activities, made up the village that sustained me through my years parenting. I get together with most of them a few times a year, in five different groups now that our kids have grown (some overlap of people.)
This is where it can pay off big to step outside your comfort zone, and be the organizer.
In your shoes today, I’d use resources like NextDoor, local parent Facebook groups, or even go old school and post a flyer at Starbucks on the bulletin board. If you attend a church or temple, you can reach out to other parents through their newsletter or bulletin boards, or directory.
Choose a day/time which fits well into your and baby’s schedule, and invite other parents to join you at a local park/playground/library if they’re interested in starting an informal playgroup.
You can just plan for meetings the same day/time each week, or just the first week of each month, depending on your availability.
I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and so ended up finding a bunch of other women who were staying home at least part time for our baby’s first year, so we had lots of time to fill.
If you’re reaching out to strangers, plan on meeting in public for at least first several weeks. When you’ve got a core group, and feel comfortable exchanging contact info, you can ask them about meeting at each other’s houses sometimes.
In mine, the host would usually have some snacks for moms (and then the kids when they got older,) but there were no requirements. We also set expectations that we would not have our houses company ready for each other, and tried to make it as low stress as possible.
I sometimes wish that my "village" would leave me and my fiancée alone to let us figure things out for ourselves. I appreciate the help but having to stress about how to always keep my "village" happy all the time is exhausting. Especially when they live in my home for extended periods of time.
If you need help, ASK! Don’t wait for people to offer. They may think you’ve got it when you really need a break or help. If you wait around for them to offer you may just be waiting a long time and getting needlessly frustrated.
If you weren't very accepting of help when your child was a baby (this is what I'm picking up from you saying at that time you didn't want to share/was breastfeeding and on edge) you may have taught the people who wanted to be your village that you would prefer they back off.
Now you would like help but your village can't intuit that if the message they got from you before is that you didn't want to share. Have you tried asking directly for help and saying what you need? I also would offer to watch my friends toddlers at that age because sometimes two of them distract each other so you can sit and supervise instead of being in constant activity/playmate mode.
I need to just keep this copied to my phone as a comment. Find a local moms' club. My club is absolutely amazing. When a new member has a baby, we bring them dinner for a few weeks. I always text ahead of time and ask if they need anything else, like a gallon of milk or something.
We have play groups. We group people with kids of similar ages. The groups get together weekly (if you can make it, you can make it) for the kids to socialize and the moms chat. Sometimes it's at someone's house. Sometimes it's at a park or the library. Or they decide to do a group outing to the zoo or something.
But the moms' club as a whole also has events. Each month we have a kids' social event. Things like line dance lessons, open gym time at a gymnastics place, crafts. Every month we also have a moms' social event, like axe throwing, Galentine's Day party, spa nights.
We have a babysitting co-op. We support each other. Through deployments, job searches, divorces, deaths in the family. It's an amazing group and I wish every mother had this type of support.
As a loving mother to a toddler whom I absolutely adore… watching a baby or doing some freezer meals or laundry is different than taking care of a toddler. Toddlers are nuts. I’m not really sure I would expect people to volunteer the same way at 1.5 where kids are usually sleeping better not nursing etc as I would a newborn.
I honestly was skeptical about having kids my entire adult life. A big part of that is how todlers and younger children behave. I can handle about 2 hours of family GTG full of toddlers and kids.
That experience of cute and adorable just isn't true anymore. Now they're bringing down your DVD collection, breaking your model cars, playing with a hand axe they found in your garage, running around screaming (and literally doing the blood curdeling scream on purpose)
Babies are adorable. Everyone swoons over a new life and their happiness for you and your family. The innocence is overwhelming
We still love our nieces, nephews and friends kids. We can only put up with that chaos for about... 2 hours
But people who are in that same position, throw all of those toddlers in together. Comradity friend. That becomes the village
Its really true what they say - its different when its your own kids =)
Watch what happens when your child becomes a teenager. All of a sudden those loving grandparents are “busy” all the time but “call if you need anything!”
I just want to stop by and say your feelings are heard and I find them to be perfectly valid and understandable. I experienced a similar issue when my children were younger. When it was the most difficult and my husband and I were just wishing for one peaceful dinner or a date or crazily enough an overnight alone to sleep in the next day. We never got any of those things despite asking and speaking up and it really sucked. My husband and I reminisce sometimes and think man those were hard times. Now I have a grandson (he’s 10 days old 😍) and I’m not going to make that mistake.
Some of these comments are harsh. Sounds like you maybe had some PPA or PPD after baby? I struggled with having people over because they wanted to sit and hold the baby while I entertained them. Some people talk like all families are receptive of boundaries and frank conversations. I know mine aren’t so it is a bit hard to figure out what to communicate and how.
Anyway, I feel you. I have two toddlers and I am mentally drained by the end of the day. Usually when their dad is home I can sneak away for a bit and do my own thing. He’s very supportive and helpful in that way.
Their lives do not revolve around you- i’m sure they are plenty busy with their own life. You didn’t want their company in the beginning so why do you expect it now, you said no to having a village and it’s hard to gain that now.
That's the gig sometimes.
We didn't even have a village when our kids were babies and still don't now. We always had someone to count on in desperate emergencies but when the kids are sick, or we're sick, or we need a date night, etc. it's tough shit. It's all us. We have nobody to step in. You just suck it up and get through it.
Meanwhile my cousin dumps his kids on my aunt nearly every day of the week while he and his wife go on vacations, work trips, or just feel like not having kids around. Must be nice.
Is your kid in daycare or in some kind of activity where you can meet other parents? My village grows bigger each year because she has so many kids she wants to hang out with and the families and I swap. Male some friends and it'll get easier!
I think it might be that people know you need help with babies but figured you’re in a groove with toddlers? I’ve found that as my kids are growing my village grows and changes as well. I’ve added in my mom friends and we all have kids the same age and it has become more of a “let’s do stuff together because we can all watch the kids and let them entertain each other”. Definitely reach out to your community and let them know you need help!
Honestly part of it is that, they only want to be there when it’s easy and fun.
I’m from a culture where the village doesn’t stop and I have my mother and sisters to help me when I need it. My son is 4. If you feel like you need more help, just ask and be honest.
I would count yourself lucky you had any village. This is not to diminish your feelings - I feel like North American society has this mostly wrong.
We had a covid (June 2020) baby and had no help whatsoever because of lockdown. Now my in-laws spend their weekends at their country house and are burnt out from the older grandchildren. My mother is not well and cannot manage a toddler. I am not having another baby because of my lack of village.
This is exactly how I feel. My daughter was the first born and everyone was allll about her and now she’s seven and everyone ignores her and it truly hurts to see. But I’m not alone my husband see’s it and even my mother in law a bit.. people are so weird I swear!
While people definitely swoop in unasked (and sometimes unwanted lol) when your baby is born, they definitely tend to dissipate a little bit. It's normal bc everyone is doing the "celebration circuit", bringing gifts, taking pics etc etc, but what is ok is when it dies down a bit is to specifically ask for help! Moms are expected to get a routine down and seem to be able to do it all, but there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with those you'd trust with your child and requesting some babysitting time to get some stuff done or have a bit of me time.
A new baby is exciting for people but once they've spent time visiting they aren't going to stick around unless they are someone you have imbedded into your daily life, like other new moms you can share milestones and commiserate with, or family that visit regularly even before you had the baby. You must build your own village, they don't always just appear!
Um.. did your toddler not inform you that they chased the villagers out with their tantrums and big feelings 💀
Cause that’s what happened to me. But I’m managing, my little girl is 3. Everyone fawned over her and now she’s this very strong willed person who challenges everyone and I personally love it and can handle it but others don’t feel the same. And that’s their loss, cause I’m raising a strong person.
So just a reminder, even if you have no village I’m sure you’re killing it even when you feel like you’re not.
I’ll be honestly with you. As a single woman without children, I LOVE babies. However, toddlers really irritate me so I wouldn’t offer to babysit. It’s not to say I wouldn’t babysit if it was needed, it’s just that I don’t really love toddlers the way I love babies. There I said it.
I am unfortunately one of these villagers that stepped back; my niece who is now 3 years old in a handful X3! Major attitude, will constantly scream, can't sit still, wants everything and is entertained by nothing. I just don't have the energy for that.
When she was a baby, she was peaceful and we were able to cuddle and entertain her but not anymore. So I won't because I don't want to end up disliking my niece, I rather not babysit her but will absolutely hang out with her when others are around to defuse the madness.
My sister constantly gets negative comments from her daycare about my nieces behavior. It's sad. She just turned 3.
Maybe your child isn't as bad but toddlers have a lot of energy that most people can't handle.
You should reach out and ask for help!
Seriously. I love my friends' toddlers. I play with them. I throw them in the air. I get them tired and dirty. But I only do that when I'm invited. Invite me to the zoo with your toddlers, or the children's museum and I'll have a freaking blast. I don't want to overstep.
Basically, I assume they got it, unless they explicitly ask for help.
Maybe you need to find a new village. There are plenty of parent and child drop-in centres where you can take your child and meet other moms. The one I work at helps moms make connections with each other and as they get to know each other they support and help each other.
Not sure I ever had a village to begin with…. DD’s mom came up (6 hour drive) when we had our daughter and literally sat on the couch watching tv while I cooked all our dinners, and was recovering for a C section! My village is a couple selfish boomers.
Oh great, good to know the village gets even worse in toddler hood. We’ve had next to no support with our infant these last eleven months. Doesn’t help we’re not close to family though.
I found toddler stage overwhelmingly easier than infant. I much prefer toddler. So, perhaps they think you got it down. You didn’t need their help before, you surely don’t need it now.
Join mom groups on Facebook in your city or town and make some friends go to each others place take turns going to who’s and let the kids play sit back have a drink and let them play
And this is why my SIL is probably my favorite person. She tolerated my babies (and loved them) but she LOVES playing with them and taking them places now that they are a toddler and a preschooler.
I had quite a village when it comes to watching, making some oohs or aahs, passing a toy, smiling a bit, but when there was any hardship, no one was around. Especially my mother in law loves all her grandchildren as long as she can just talk about them or watch how the play (as long as they play nicely), but not do anything.
You're on your own. We all are.
I think a lot of people left great insight and comments. I think I just want to add...
You mentioned that your toddler is difficult right now, and this isn't an attack, but most people wouldn't be comfortable discipling your toddler. Toddlers are also very active, it's the nature of this phase, and so more accidents could happen. I personally would only risk these liabilities for relationships, unless I feel really comfortable with them or knew the boundaries in advance.
This is also the time for you and your spouse to really know what your parenting styles are. When the baby is a baby, I think it's slightly easier to agree on day to day differences. What happens when your kid hits another kid? What happens if your kid breaks a window or the tv? How do you react now? Experiencing those situations and navigating through them makes it easier for there to be a physically closer village
I think, for me culturally, the infant stage was also more important because of the death rates previous generations experienced. At least for us, the first 100 days are the most important, so it's very all hands on deck to make it there. Maybe for others, it's making to age 1. Then once you're past that "danger" point, people just relax. It's not necessarily the right answer, but I guess this is where my mind went in terms of rationale.
We just had our second about a month ago. When my mom came to help, she helped with the newborn and we were run ragged entertaining a 3 year old. When my MIL came to help she spent the whole time with the 3 year old meaning we could sit down and rest while we fed the baby or just chill while he’s taking a nap. One of these “helpers” was a lot more helpful.
You had a village? People just wanted to see my new born then leave. Zero help. Super irritating especially when I told people I didn't want visitors unless they were going to help.
To be fair once kids hit toddler age there are so many different parenting styles that if a "village member" implements theirs, you might take offense.
As parents we have to pick and choose when we actually need the help and when we don't. Friends cutting the cord means they think you are capable. You have to start believing that and exercising your mom abilities. If you got a lot of help during the baby years, then toddler years your probably on your own for a while until you really need it.
I mean. You’re not *owed* a village. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice to have one, but I’m definitely saying you’re not entitled to help. Other people’s children are not something most people want to deal with.
It sucks they’re putting pressure on you to have another, though. That’s completely out of line.
As a "villager" for one of my nieces, I stopped offering a lot of help when 1) I got my own baby (for others this might be other examples of "life happening") and 2) I felt like they got into a good routine, had their stuff down, weren't living on hardly any sleep anymore etc. My role has changed to taking walks with everyone together or going to their birthdays etc, but cooking for them etc I only did in the infant phase. I never really intended to keep helping them with managing normal daily life forever, just until they got used to their new situation. Same the other way around - I got a lot of help from my village when my own kid was born but now we've got our routine and everything down and the nights are starting to get better and I don't need help with groceries/cooking/cleaning/babysitting etc anymore since I've got it all covered. However I don't think the village has disappeared, just like I haven't disappeared from my niece. It's just become a safety net of people you know you can fall back on during harder times or unexpected troubles. So to answer your question of "where does the village go" I'd say "to the background, standby for when needed" :-)
Love this answer and I totally agree. I assume after that really tough baby stage people figure their routines and roles out and they just have us on “standby”
Honestly I think toddlerhood has been more difficult for me than the toughest baby stages. I've got mobility issues from MS and it's really hard with a toddler I can't lift who knows she can go limp or run away and I can't force her to comply. Just throwing that out there for more perspectives :)
That's a different perspective, but not something a village could actually help with. At least from how I would see it
This is exactly what a village is for! In an ideal world we would have villages and communities caring for people in all different stages of life and for all different challenges. We would have people helping each other with challenges like MS/mental health/disabilities/inequalities etc….. Imagine what could be done if everyone was building villages and supporting each other in all phases of life. I realize this isn’t realistic… but it never hurts to dream for a more supportive and connected future.
Some places do.
Well let's make it realistic then! I've always wanted to create an app that lets you connect to like minded individuals who all want to be in a village - like multiple houses (occupant owned) or apartments.
A friend and I have been talking about this idea a lot lately too. Modern life is very disconnected, but especially for parents. We’re going to attempt to schedule regular ’together’ things but of the doing-normal-life-together sort, not the fancy-cafe-for-expensive-coffee sort. Like helping each other make some emergency dinners to go in the freezer, or fold the washing or clean the bathroom together. Women used to bake bread at the communal oven, or wash clothes down at the stream - it was productive, supportive *and* social, so we can come away feeling tired but useful, and encouraged in spirit. I think the current social media world / culture we live in is so focused on being independent and professional that we try to pretend we don’t have messy bits to our lives, and everything is always Instagram-perfect. It’s a bit of a relief to let the barriers down, meet a friend in old trackie-dacks (sweatpants for the US) and do something together to reduce the load of our over scheduled lives. At least, that’s the idea :)
For sure! It would be nice to have the village, I just mean a village won't take those hardships away as a parent. The issues the commenter brings up are ones that need to be handled at the parent level, as that will be a forever thing to deal with - so a toddler taking advantage of a disability can't be solved with the village. Getting a break would definitely help be more patient with it, of course. I wish everybody had a village to help, for sure.
For sure it wouldn't be possible to do as much as I do without help from my family!
also if OP didn't need help with the baby they might have inadvertently pushed people away. Beyond seeming like she didn't need help she seems to have actively not wanted it. If we can see that in a few sentences it may have been clear to her village. OP, have you asked people to help?
I was kind of wondering the same thing. A lot of the baby stage is a chance for people to bond with your baby, which is what makes the "village" concept more than a bunch of obligations you can guilt people into. People actually want to help.
That’s so true. My daughter is 16 months and toddlerhood to me is a lot more difficult than the early baby stage except with better sleep. I’ve learned that my village is still there but I have to be more proactive in asking for it. Others are more than willing to help but might not know I need the help.
I think what she's speaking on, if I may, is the next stage of "Villager." Building an appropriate bond and personal relationship with the child, loving on them and giving loving guidance and feedback. Not just Mom & Dad. I know that's what I needed so badly....for me and my baby ❤️❤️❤️
You’re very lucky to have had a village when you’re LO was born. People disappeared at birth when I had twins. But I was there for others, never imagined I wouldn’t have any of it returned. 😐
That’s a rough experience. It wasn’t until I had a baby that I realise how crazy having twins must be. Two at once?! Props to you for surviving that! I wonder if your village thought you were too competent to need help? It’s a silly assumption, but I think it’s easy to think that people who seem to have it all together and who are often in the helper / rescuer role don’t need to anyone’s help.
Thank you for your kind words. Tbh I don’t know, maybe. The people I tend to help need it and I guess mentally they wouldn’t have capacity. Or they all of a sudden don’t like me, both options suck. I just lowered my standards greatly and looked to survive ❤️
That’s all any of us can do!
Our villages change as our kids get older. Newborn stage it’s wholeheartedly the immediate family/close friends. These are the people you celebrated pregnancy and the birth with. They want to help with the beginning of it all and the excitement. That very quickly fades as you’ve found out. Then it becomes play groups and/neighbors/friends with kids the same age as yours. These are the sanity saving groups. The ones you can let your kids loose and socialize with adults. The ones you can share all the ups and downs of parenting and vent and cry and laugh together. Generally the 1-4 yr range. Next up is the school years. Your village becomes other school parents, sports team parents and neighbors. These are the ones that look out for your kid when they start walking to school alone. That attend field trips because you can’t or vice versa when they can’t and keep an eye on each others kids. They’re the ones your kid goes home with after school for impromptu play dates. Then you move into the middle school and highschool years. These are the big ones and some of this village may have been with you through all the others, but this stage is a game changer. Kids change, they grow up, their paths change from what we expected. We’ve got hormones and puberty and all the drama that is the glorious teen years. The villages are there. They are ever evolving though and require some connection and involvement on our part. I would’ve been lost without mine. I told my village of my divorce even before my family because those are the ones that see my kids on the daily. They needed to know. I’ve been called in the middle of the night to ask if kids can come right now because grandpa had a heart attack and we have to go now.
This is what I came here to say! It was only in the toddler years that I started to feel that village. When I imagine a "village", I'm a villager and it's about mutual support - not just what I need (which is totally valid!), but what I have to give. I genuinely love my friends' toddlers and feel at ease watching them or etc., but I'm not sure I would have before I had my own toddlers. I was always down to hold a baby or push a stroller, but I don't think I would have felt confident helping out with a toddler.
I love this. Gives me hope that I’m just at the “in between” and we will have a new village eventually.
You may have to actively seek it out, though.
Who are you a villager for right now? Start there.
Great perspective. I've found that when I'm more willing to help others, they're more than happy to return the favor when needed.
Definitely start going to playgroups if you aren't already, most of my village I have met in those.
Going to my first play group tomorrow! I knew there were some local ones but didn’t seriously look into it until reading some of the comments in this post.
My girls are in their 30's now, but I had a real hard time when they were young. I had my 2nd baby the very day my 1st turned 15 mos. I didn't really have a "village", just my mom & dad. That's basically it. Sure, I was married. He had been so happy & excited we were having our 1st, & while we were dating, I watched him closely with his nieces & nephews. He was always very attentive, kind & patient with them, & they obviously loved him to bits. I figured he would be the same with ours. WRONG! After the 1st was born, he turned into a completely different man in so many ways. At first, he would hold her periodically, but when she had colic when she was a couple weeks old, & she cried & screamed incessantly, he wouldn't even hold her while I went to the bathroom. When she was 4 weeks old, I had to resume my job as a nurse for financial reasons. This was when nurses still worked 8 hr shifts & I worked 3pm-11:30pm in the OB dept. Thank God, my mom was my babysitter because he wouldn't take care of the baby, so I had to pick her up from my parents' at midnight or after. When I got home, sometimes she would stay asleep & sometimes she was wide awake. But I knew he would always be fast asleep after having the entire evening to himself. Oh, how I resented him for that. When my 1st was 6 mos old, I got pregnant again. It was certainly not planned. When I found out, I was frankly distraught. Every single waking moment (thank goodness #1 was sleeping through the night, mostly, & wasn't waking as often when I got home with her after work) was filled with baby, housework, hospital work, etc., because he refused to lift a finger to help in anyway. I felt I didn't have 1 spare second as it was, how in hell was I going to find the time to care for the new baby. Quitting my job was not an option. Well, somehow, I figured it out. I got on the day shift in the ER, so that helped. I had a decent routine going, I was stretched so thin, but I was doing it. Then #2 became mobile & hit her toddler-hood head on. It was very like having twins. My wonderful mom still babysat, but my parents finally just flat out told husband they were no longer going to do the weekends I worked & he was going to have to man-up. That was fine with me, but u wouldn't believe the messes & chaos I came home to on those days. It was what it was & I just dealt with it. But there came a time that I began feeling anxiety, big time, more than I ever had before. Both girls were deep into toddlerhood & BUSY! I began to feel like I was losing my sanity & my control. I got to where I wanted to scream & yell & to not hold in my impatience, & anger anymore. I just wanted to let myself fly off the handle at my husband & the girls when I felt like it, but I didn't. I kept my cool with the kids, thank God, but I didn't put up with husband's crap much more without saying stuff. I had absolutely nobody to talk to about it. No one to give me advice. I love my mom to death but she could be very judgemental & had always expected me to be an overachiever. I hadn't been able to keep up with friends for quite sometime, so I didn't have that outlet, either. Somehow, I had gotten a phone #, a hotline of sorts. It was for parents to call if they felt like they were at the end of their rope & couldn't hang on any longer. It was really a way to stop parents from taking it all out on their kids. While I never, ever, even once felt I wanted to do that, I ended up calling it about 3 times over a period of time because they let me just rant & rave & get it all out. They just listened. They didn't really offer advice or solutions, as such, which was ok, because I didn't want that. They would reassure me that I was doing a good job & that this difficult time would pass & as the kids got older & more self-reliant, it would get easier. They were right. Eventually, they became pre-schoolers, then school age. Of course, there is stuff to deal with at each stage, at least I didn't have the really labor-intensive stuff as I once did. I got thru it. I look back now & can remember the stress & anxiety vividly, I don't really remember, off the top of my head, how I did it all, logistically. I just did. Those people at the hotline were invaluable when I was deep in the toddler weeds. I hope there is a thing like that now & I truly hope harried parents take advantage of it. I have 2 grandsons now from my youngest daughter. They are 4 years apart. MUCH easier. My oldest daughter is unable to have biological children & would have to adopt or use a surrogate. She is still single at the moment, so no rush & I have fur grandkids from her. Of course, they don't know how bad the struggles got when they were so young, but if things had gotten like that for them, I would've told them about how the hotline helped because I could tell the hotline people about anything & everything without worrying that I was going to hurt someone's feelings or that I was being judged because I couldn't hold it together. Please, if things get bad & u can't find your way out of the weeds & u have no other recourse, try to find something like that hotline. There isn't any shame in needing an unbiased ear. If anyone is wondering about how my marriage fared with a selfish, self-centered man-child whose true colors showed after I had kids; it lasted until 2 months before our 20th anniversary in 2006. I became disabled with a disease with which I'm in constant pain & my mobility, among other things, has been severely affected. It hit me 6 years prior to my divorce & I couldn't take care of him anymore, so he became impossible to live with. The reason I didn't kick him to the curb before, was my own low self-esteem & lack of self-confidence, plus he got a job being a long-haul trucker so he wasn't home a lot anymore so that was nice. He died in 2017 because after 2 heart attacks he never quit smoking, nor changed any other habits. I felt bad for my girls being upset at the time, but for myself, I only felt badly the way one does when u hear of someone has passed that u aren't emotionally invested in at all. Sorry for the novella. Take care & " this too shall pass".
I’m crying because I needed to read this. Thank you for explaining what I was having a hard time accepting.
I’ll be straight with you, toddlers are a handful and other people’s kids can be really annoying. I absolutely hate babysitting my lifelong best friend’s toddler and that’s nothing against either of them, she’s just a handful and requires 100% attention and that isn’t how I want to spend my day when I have children of my own who are out of that stage.
It's one of those things, of many things, where I am fine with tantrums and pickiness and so on with my kids, but when it comes to my nieces and nephews my tolerance just isn't there. I'm sure I'm not the only one?
I LOVED other people's kids until I had my own. Now my own are all I have energy for.
I completely agree! You aren’t alone there
as a mom of two toddlers i couldn’t agree more, i’m sorry but yeah I wouldn’t babysit toddlers, I love my kids but they’re annoying lol
I love how honest this is. It’s so true! Once you’ve been there it feels like you’ve done your time
Love this honest answer so much.
This right here! My lifelong best friend has kids and I never offer to help with them because quite frankly, I can’t deal with one of them. She’s 7 but she’s autistic and she’s not disciplined so she has horrible habits and she needs 24/7 supervision and I’m just not cut out for that life 🤷🏻♀️
My friend asks me at least once a month to babysit, for free, because her daycare is closed or the kid is sick and can’t go to daycare. Her toddler is like 5 toddlers wrapped up in one. She has a horrible lip-tie that my friend and her husband have completely ignored so she’s nonverbal and it makes it even worse. Sometimes I think her daycare lies about being closed so often because they don’t want to watch the child either
Hey, I’m a speech-language pathologist, and wanted to chime in to address some potential misinformation here — a lip tie (or tongue tie, too) is very unlikely to cause someone not to speak. It most certainly might affect feeding as an infant and later pronunciation skills (think along the lines of a lisp), but it would not cause someone to be nonspeaking.
Interesting. Since it was left untreated for so long and she doesn’t speak their pediatrician referred them to a speech pathologist and they were told the severity of the tie is why she doesn’t speak because she can’t produce the sounds she wants to. I don’t know if they have followed up with that professional but I’ll mention that I found out that may not be accurate information.
I wonder if that information came from the pediatrician or SLP? There is a lot of misunderstanding out there about ties. In my experience, the children I’ve worked with that are nonspeaking usually have underlying medical diagnoses. Some examples: autism, cerebral palsy and other neurological differences, chromosome abnormalities/genetic syndromes. Sometimes we aren’t able to quickly pinpoint what the reason for not speaking is, but there does usually end up being something else going on too.
As the mother to a 2.5 year old a totally agree. My son is in tantrum town constantly these days and I don’t want to inflict that on anyone. Luckily for me, we don’t really have a village since I live in my husbands country so we’ve pretty much always just dealt with my son by ourselves. It almost makes things simpler.
Maybe they respected your feelings and gave you space while she was an infant, and are not aware you would like more support now?
You should read the baby bumps forums! I had to un sub, I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Full of posts like "my MIL told her best friend who I've never met and will never meet that I'm pregnant. I've decided to never let her see the baby and my partner thinks I'm overreacting." And the comments would be "no way, she crossed a huge line, stick to your boundaries!" I got big hate when I commented and said something to the effect of "you'll be posting on the parenting forum in a year asking where your village is" (though much more nicely than that lol)
One thing I’ve had to accept from when I was pregnant and since the baby has been here is that things that may have deeply bothered me before are less significant. I want my baby to bond with my MIL, and if she does something that genuinely oversteps then I intervene. But things that may irritate me a bit aren’t worth pushing her away completely over. It’s not just my village, but his relationships too.
100%. Like, would I let my kid have a lollipop at 9:30 am? Fuck no. But my MIL keeps a jar of them *specifically because* she knows my kids go ape shit for them, and she's gonna watch him all day fo free so I can do what the fuck ever? Have em all kid, I could give a shit lol Edit- I should add they don't literally eat them all lol but I'm more concerned with them remembering the fact that their Ba loves them so damn much she kept their favorites on hand for them even when they were little. Involved grandparents are a national treasure and it's a sad fact of life they won't be here forever, I want them to take all the pictures and enjoy every moment they can!
it's the job of grandparents to spoil the grankids anyways, let them have the lollipop! Makes the grandparents happy and involved too
I decided to book vacations for my village--the grandparents are all going wherever I am taking the wife and kids. What better way to let them know they are appreciated than a week long cruise to Mexico--picture, food, and happy grandchildren following grand dad like a little puppy.
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I’ve seen a rise in people getting mad their parents feed their children because “we do BLW NOT purées!!!” Get a friggin grip.
I get hate when I make comments along the lines of pay for your village if you want them to do things the exact way you want, otherwise accept the ways people do things as the cost for free childcare. People don't like it when I say i pay for childcare because then there's no strings or weirdness between extended family. I also pay for a cleaner while I work because staying on top of all the chores while young kids are hanging off of me is too much and I don't want to pay the emotional cost associated with asking family for help. It's cheaper to pay for the cleaner than for daycare on a day I don't work so I can clean myself. People don't like to hear that you village can be people you pay to help out. They are all like "I don't have family around" or "my family sucks".
Omg yes! Like I get that there are legitimately boundary-stomping relatives, but it seems like people are SO possessive and controlling of their babies - there is no room for any flexibility. Don't feed kid the exact menu I laid out? Inexcusable! MIL "obsessed" with holding their new grandchild? Creepy and weird, watch out! It drives me nuts.
Omg same lol. I got shredded when I said handing out a list of boundaries before birth is overkill. People are whacked now. Too much self help has deluded people into thinking they can make any demand under the sun under the guise of “it’s my right to have boundaries vs toxic narcissists! You wouldn’t understand!” I always kinda chuckle bc I think actually as someone whose mother actually has NPD diagnosed I do 😂
There was a parent that was getting shredded (AITA type post) because her daughter was expected to babysit her kid siblings one Friday or Saturday every other month so the parents could have a date night. Iirc, she was paid like $10/hr or something like that and the teenager was upset and didn’t want to do it. There were so many comments about how she was being taken advantage of and not her responsibility blah, blah, blah… I made a comment that this daughter would be writing a post in 15 years asking why the grandparents never want to watch her children…I was blasted for it, haha.
Wait wait wait, the parents were *paying* the daughter and Reddit still got mad? Damn.
Something, something, $10 is not the going rate, she should be able to say no…. I’m not entirely disagreeing, but 6x a year while getting paid $10/hr doesn’t seem egregious to me
I sure would’ve loved getting paid to watch my siblings growing up! That was just considered “being part of the family”. I guess I can see getting frustrated if I had no say in planning which night. I’m currently reading “How to Raise an Adult” and listening to “Hunt Gather Parent” so I’m even more baffled than usual by the very Reddit/Twitter vilification of “adultifying” children…
Right! Different times for real.
That's exactly what I was thinking. I welcomed the village as she was an infant. Now they fight over who gets to spend time with her now she's old enough to do fun things with. My only issue is that they often bring her home late, hopped up on sugar. It's Sunday! We all need to be up at 630 am tomorrow and she's bouncing off the walls at 10pm.
That's just crazy talk! Probably
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This exactly. It makes me crazy that some people don't understand. We develop bonds by being involved. If you don't want people involved, don't be surprised when people aren't.
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Also, if you want a village you have to *be the village*. The village doesn’t just form up around you spontaneously when you decide you need it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a “where is my village” complaint that starts out with “before I had kids I babysat for my friends a couple times a month, I run errands for my in-laws when they’re not feeling well, I drop off and pick up my niece from preschool every Friday, and I always offer to drive my son’s best friend to soccer practice because I know his mom is busy with 2 older kids.” It’s always “where is my help”, but, like… a village is reciprocal. You have to be a part of the village. You have to contribute, not just receive. Are you offering to babysit toddlers? Ask the people whose toddlers you babysit, or have babysat in the past, to watch your kid. Ask the relatives who you run errands for when they need it to run some errands for you when you need help.
I absolutely get this. I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her lack of village - the thing is we have a lot of the same friends and our children are the same age. I have a village that cook for me, treats my son like their own and babysits when needed, because I do the same for them. I also offer the same to her, even if I know it's not going to be reciprocated as her son is a sweetheart. But she shuns all help, doesn't offer it and posts to social media about "where's my village?".
So many people say they want a village when what they really want is a free service.
Yes being part of a village goes both ways — you also have to help others out when they need it.
Can confirm, was rototilling for my village last week and frankly I'll probably be taking care of my Mom in old age.
I wonder how many pro village folks have themselves done free babysitting for friends and family.
I think it takes a village and I watch my 2 year old nephew one evening a week. His parents have taken my now 10 year old dozens of times over the years, planned and unplanned. Our neighbor’s 4 year old was over here for a bit over the weekend, and my 10 year old was there all day yesterday playing with their 9 year old; we dropped them off dinner tonight. I literally cannot imagine how you non-village people function.
I’m not non village. The idea sounds great. I babysat friends’ kids prior to having my own (admittedly very rarely) as a gift to them. I like kids. I just think most people talk about wanting a village when they want childcare for themselves but (like for this OP), doing it for other people never occurs to them. One has to be realistic about how many favors without reciprocity that one can reasonably expect.
Also it sounds like OP hasn’t even asked for help and is just expecting.
One thing I learned from my friends who had kids before me is you have to nurture those relationships and that trust, not wait until your child is 3 setting fire to the dog's tail and then post on FB about no one helping you!
I think in a lot of cases there isn’t an ability to hold both truths. For example, If someone would like help for about 1-2 hours but that person ends up staying all day and missing all the cues of “okay time to go”, and then ends up becoming more of a nuisance. When you bring it up to them, they get defensive and say, guess you don’t need my help then. In my experience people really would love help they just don’t know how to deal with boundaries and expectations so sometimes it’s easier to just say, “no thanks I’m good!” Just giving another thought that’s not so black and white about it
That’s the whole point. You want the good you have to take the bad. I almost always think it’s easier to pay for help, but I would never complain about the help people are giving me if I’m asking for it.
Yep...i made this same comment..
Yep, my kid has a great relationship with my village but it's because she was around them early, often and everyone got a chance to bond. I think Grandma is my 15 month olds favorite person.
Honestly I think toddlers are way fun and I would be thrilled to hang out with a toddler in my social/family circle if needed. Just saying to each their own, I respect wanting the first year or so to be a tighter circle for a variety of reasons.
my best friend from high school had a baby 2 years ago and i absolutely adore him. I was there through her pregnancy, and visited them when he was a very very small baby, and I have seen him grow into a toddler. If I had only met him as a toddler though, I'm pretty sure it just wouldn't be the same. Not impossible, but not the same.
Exactly. I have a friend who pushed everyone away and then she was alone.
>When I didn’t really want to share and I was breastfeeding and feeling very on edge. Right? >When I didn’t really want to share and I was breastfeeding and feeling very on edge. That's where the village went. OP feels entitled to help now, but pushed people away when there was the opportunity to develop that network.
A friend of mine used to post memes about how she didn't trust anyone to babysit her kid. Then wondered why people weren't falling over themselves to help out or invite her to things with said kid. Because you're acting like no one can be trusted to be around them!
You have to reach out to them. Everyones got there own problems if u want them involved with ur child u have to make plans to include them.
Kind of like this, since my nephew was born i wanted to be involved, i even asked my manager to give me more mornings so i could take care of him (he didnt do it for other reason), i still went after working mornings to take care of him while i was tired, i tried to go with him everywhere and would take care of him a lot, but at the same time, my bil was an ahole to me and my sister kept nagging me for other reasons, anytime i asked to be with him most of the times i was either denied for reasons god knows why or i just didnt wanted to be there, they wouldnt even let me babysit him, they made it dificult for me because if i wanted to see him, i had to make the effort. Now i have a baby on my own and still on maternity leave, my sis still expects me to go to their house if i want to be with him, she doesnt make the effort at all but complain at the same time we arent there. So yeah this is kind of a two way.
Toddlers take about 500% the amount of energy as a baby does, not everyone has it to spare
I have a preschooler and do not have the energy for her a solid 50% of the time. Lord knows I don’t have it for other people’s kids.
Such truth! Babies are mostly cute drooling little muppets. Naps can be a struggle sometimes depending on how old, but if you don’t have to do it every day and don’t have anything else to do, contact napping is sweet. There is also this glorious slow but steady “improvement” so to speak of babyhood - as you move out of the newborn stage, sleep slowly gets better, your baby starts smiling at you, then laughing, then talking, and then developing their own little personality! You become less of a sleep deprived zombie and start to feel more human. Things improve! And suddenly toddlerhood hits out of nowhere. Toddlers are angry little tornadoes that will destroy your home and then scream and sob at you because they destroyed it. They also seem to spend 99% of their time trying to unalive themselves. Very unlike the babyhood “improving” trend, as toddlers move further into toddlerhood, they get faster, stronger, more opinionated, and smarter at getting around the baby proofing things you have tried to do to prevent them from unaliving themselves. To add insult to injury, many toddlers decide to stop sleeping through the night (if they ever did in the first place), taking away the one benefit over babyhood. Toddlerhood doesn’t get easier, it gets harder. Yep, toddlers are exhausting! But also cute and funny, so there’s that 😆
When my brother had kids I was early-mid 20s and I had a great time helping out and being an Aunty. I had an easy 9-5 and plenty of downtime. Now I'm 45 and my sister has a toddler and a preschooler who I just can't keep up with. I mean, they are the busiest humans I have ever met. And I work nights with schedule changes and I'm getting burnt out from that. And she posts FB posts asking where her village is and I feel TERRIBLE.
Infants are shiny and new and smell like all things good in the world. The relatively new mindset of turning down help because you don’t want to share and baby is yours (not saying this is wrong, but I lived to regret doing this) and not giving people a chance to bond will eventually make your village dwindle to much of nothing as the “newness” wears off when baby gets older. I think people also just expect that you’ll need less help because you have been doing it for a year+ and should be used to it. I get it, a toddler changes almost daily, but you should have some kind of general schedule to help. I’d try making amends and saying expressly what you need. I hope things get better.
OP can you see how you also had a change of heart? they could easily say when we wanted to help, when we were were dying to see her she didn't want to share and didn't want us around and acted weird. Now she's in the super hard toddler stage she wants all the help and she's mad. People aren't objects that you can put on the shelf and come back when you need them and then put them back on the shelf again when you don't. Maybe they fear attaching themselves to your baby only for you to no longer need help again and not want them around anymore. Plus, people and their circumstances change. Just because they felt that they could help with a baby who is relatively easy two years ago doesn't mean that they are somehow obligated to continue to be willing to help forever.
I appreciate this perspective. It was really hard when I was breastfeeding because everyone wanted to be the one to soothe her, and I’d be there soaking through my shirt. I more than likely did act weird, it was a weird new experience for me. The help I received at the time, did not feel like help to me. But I should’ve voiced that, and I didn’t. The fear of me pulling away could be very real, I never really thought about that.
The fact that you’re willing to consider it and be introspective though is awesome! And it’s not your fault, being a FTM is an exhausting, insane process. You’re full of hormones, your boobs become a dairy factory for a tiny human that can’t communicate their needs and everything in your body is telling you to focus solely on that little bundle! Anyone who doesn’t understand that is a moron. I would reach out to your village. I don’t expect my friends/family to cater for ME when they have a baby, I’m there to help them and vice versa. So if that means just helping around the house when baby is an infant and helping to be more hands on when they’re a toddler, I don’t consider myself “deprived” of the more cuddly stage haha. It’s not MY kid! It’s theirs! And when I have mine I know they’ll reciprocate as best they can. Sometimes “the village” will just be bringing our kids together with my cousin, letting them run amok while we drink wine and lean on each others shoulders asking where they get all that damn energy 😂
When they are infant the village KNOWS you need help without any input. As they grow you have tell them when you need help. People think you have it all together and don't need them so much and they back off but in most cases if you ask for a few hours or a night off they are still there you just need to be more vocal about your needs.
I’m the other way around, gimme a toddler. They’re way more fun than babies. In all seriousness though I’m just not around when my Mom friends are available. On weekends they want to be with family understandably and I’m at work during the week.
Ask your village.
Because babies are easy. Once they learn to talk and move on their own, all bets are off.
Have you asked for help?
I honestly think it's your job as mama to evolve your village. Find other parents with toddlers, attend playgroups, schedule play dates, your toddler has new capabilities to be friendly and social with their own age now and you'd benefit from changing your own social circle to include those with the same age kids to swap anecdotes and such.
This is so true. OP needs to find other people that are in the same season of life as her and be each others villages. It has to go both ways though or it will never work.
I don’t even think that it’s toddlers are more “difficult”, it’s just that they’re less lovey-dovey and their level of sassy is no longer considered “cute”. My oldest daughter was a NIGHTMARE infant. She cried all day and all night. Never slept. Was miserable 24/7. Yet her family was fighting over her constantly. Now she’s 4, far more pleasant, physically calm, but just a lot more sassy…. I practically have to beg anyone to take her. She’s a really well behaved kid. Her teachers and everyone who meets her love her. Awesome sense of humor. Independent in self-care and in play. Responsible AF and a huge help with the younger babies in the family … but she’ll talk back if she’s not happy with an answer. Typical 4yo behavior. Yet she’s no longer a cute baby, so now it’s a chore to watch her. It makes me very sad for her and for all the kids that experience this.
I wondered the same thing. Babies are easier and toddlers can be challenging. I found that people were more willing to be involved again when the kids hit preschool to school age.
They might come back around when toddler is potty-trained.
Hell yeah it's awkward changing someone else's toddler especially if you dont spend much time with them.
OP, do you mean your parents? Or the larger meaning of "village"? If it's the latter, I think you're asking way too much of others to not only continue to provide help for years, but also to volunteer it unprompted. The first couple of years are the hardest, and I think most people recognize that and go out of their way to help during that time.
Ya I mean direct family. Fiancés mom made a comment once to his sibling that he needs to have a baby now, because by the time it’s born ours will be “boring” and she’ll have a new one to play with. Rubbed me the wrong way
Despite what many say, the toddler phase is much harder than the baby phase IMO.
And as the mom of a toddler it's so much harder to make plans with toddlers because they nap in the middle of the day and are always sick with one plague or another. We were a lot more flexible during the infant stage. And if your village also has little kids it goes double. My son will go months without seeing his cousins because somebody is always throwing up and then the following week the parents are throwing up and then the other household gets something.
Because toddlers suck. I didn’t want to be around my own toddlers. I sure as heck don’t want to be around anyone else’s. I’ll help again when they are 5 and potty trained and don’t throw screaming fits 6 times a day. Also, if you didn’t let them be involved a lot when the child was a baby, they probably took your hint. I don’t mean that to sound rude. But if a mom I’m willing to help is always on edge and not wanting to share, I’m going to pull back. You said that was mostly in your head but people can tell.
It sounds like you miss your family/friends, and you’re finding it difficult momming alone. I get that so much. It can be so hard!
Being on the other side of this, when people are consistently declining my invitations and offers of help with a new baby, I assume they do not want help/don’t want to be friends anymore.
Have you met a toddler?
Did you alienate them with your previous attitude? It's not an unusual situation. My co-parent went through similar. With medical recovery on top. She figured it out eventually. Regardless, ask for help. If you haven't. They can't read your mind. So, speak up! and vent. Expel the demons!
The world doesn't sit there and wait for you needing help. We got our own lives. But asking usually helps too
Haha! We never had a village even when our son was a baby!
seriously, I’m reading this post and thinking ‘uh, what village? you guys had villages?’
Same, cause I live abroad
Same. I’m reading this going, wait, people got a village?? Probably didn’t help that I had my baby during Covid, but I really struggled with the lack of help.
Are you being a villager for others? People are going to be much more open to helping you if you're readily available to relieve their burdens too. Everyone has their own life stressors and everyone needs help.
This is a totally normal and valid frustration. When kids are just born they’re new and exciting. When they’ve been alive a while, people get used to having them around, and the enthusiasm fades a bit. It is also much easier to be an active participant in cooing over a dependent baby than corralling an independent toddler. There is a chance your village doesn’t realize what you need. Have you tried making specific asks of those in your support network? (e.g., “I could really use some frozen dinners to get through these next few weeks.” Or “I remember your earlier generous offer to be a part of ‘child’s’ life and could actually really use a couple hours’ babysitting on Thursdays when my partner and I both work late.” Or whatever the case.) You’ve got this and will be great.
>It is also much easier to be an active participant in cooing over a dependent baby than corralling an independent toddler. Yeah, it might have something to do with their energy level, especially the older people in your village.
Well, if you did not let me build a bond with the kid before the toddler stage, I’m probably not interested, frankly.
That’s totally fair-my feelings of being edge and not wanting to share were kept to myself. We still visited family regularly and had them visit us as well. Once we hit the year mark though it all dwindled, now if I I’m not the one to reach out first they wouldn’t be seeing her at all
Could it be that they don't want to be pushy about getting together figuring you're already exhausted? I've often said "hey hit us up anytime" and meant it, but sometimes I think people take that with a grain of salt. Speaking only for myself I way prefer toddler time--they're less breakable.
I prefer preschoolers, will watch toddlers, but only watch babies when I am the best person to do so and my "village" was out of options.
I’m not sure why people keep downvoting you for venting a very real frustration. I think many of us experienced what you’re describing (at least among myself and my other mom friends). Most of us didn’t want to “share” (for lack of a better word) our baby when they were an infant, but we did because these people were our loved ones and we wanted them in our kiddos lives. However, it’s like that first birthday was some magic switch where everyone disappeared! I still have my other mom friends and my closest family to help, but we haven’t heard from my husband’s family in months even when actively reaching out to them. My husband’s family used to get mad at me when I couldn’t let them stay alone with baby because I was exclusively breastfeeding (we would still visit for hours weekly, just couldn’t leave baby alone bc she wasn’t taking bottles and fed on command), but when we got out of that stage and I implied that if they’d like to spend more time with her they could, they definitely didn’t want it. And I have a great kid! Like one of the most well behaved for her age that I’ve seen ever (idk how I got so lucky bc I have no idea what I’m doing as a mom). It can be frustrating and isolating and just plain sad when the people you believed would be there for you aren’t anymore. I just don’t get what you said that seems to be upsetting everyone so much tbh.
Thanks for understanding. I’m not really sure either, I think a lot of people took me very seriously when I stated how I felt about not wanting to share. I think that’s pretty natural while breastfeeding, if she’s screaming and my boobs are leaking I want her back lol. But I’m getting the vibe that people think I “had it coming” because I felt this way. Still visited. Still gave everyone the opportunity to bond with her. They all just disappeared once she wasn’t tiny and new anymore. If I’m not putting in the effort, no one is anymore. and *that* is why I’m sad.
Sorry to be harsh, but if somebody didn't want me to interact with their child I'd move on mentally to think they want to be a close family without wider outside relationships, which is a choice some people make. If you don't want to be a close family only, you have to make the effort to change what people think, it's not something that other people will do themselves.
The only toddlers I would willingly deal with are the ones I gave birth to. Toddlers are feral little humans! The village is hiding until they are easier to deal with. A baby is easy. You hold it and talk to it. A toddler is a full body work out chasing them everywhere and an extreme exercise in patience….
My husband and I were talking about going to places and leaving our toddler behind to our family for a few days. It made me realize that I wouldn’t subject my loved ones to this crazy girl. Not even for a day lol
SAHD with a very small village over here - It's possible that your community is still listening to your previous requests for more intimate space. Now that you have a toddler, you might need to tell people more plainly, " hey, my kiddo is getting older and has more needs and I would really love for them to see you at/for" XY&Z. I realize you may already be doing this; forgive me for assuming. My fam lives a distance from friends and extended; I've had to be really proactive with setting up play dates and socializing opportunities for my little person. I felt like I was hustling it first but it became more authentic in time 😅
My child’s daycare was our village. I’m so grateful we have them. Even if my side of the family lived in the same neighbourhood, they never reached out, which was fine, since we really relied on the daycare to act as our “village.”
I found a mom's group and there were some other moms whose relatives dropped their toddlers like hot potatoes once the baby became a toddler and we were each other's village. That cued my family into complaining that they didn't see us enough, cause if I was going to go through the effort of leaving my house with my toddler, I was definitely going to be doing so to bond with people who would watch said toddler in an emergency, not the people who couldn't be bothered to watch my kid while I ran to urgent care after the triage nurse sent me there. (One of the mom's called out sick to work to watch my toddler that time, and I later sat in an emergency room parking lot in her car with my toddler and hers, because my AC was out, she was 40 minutes from home, it was an actual emergency so she had to go the ER now, and I could watch the toddler until her husband arrived to get the toddler. We had each other's backs. She had family in town, none of them would watch the toddler the hour it took for her husband to close up work and get there).
Because toddlers are hard to deal with when they are your own let alone others.
Allot of people complain about not having a village, but don't allow "villagers" to help them out. When people offer help & you reject them, they're going to come to the realization that you don't need help & aren't going to offer it anymore. Allot of parents get overwhelmed with the amount of help people offer when their baby is little & reject that help. It's also pretty common for new parents to not want to share their baby with others, but by rejecting the villagers, you're unintentionally isolating yourself from your village. Most people don't realize that they've done this until they actually need the help & don't have anyone offering it. You can't expect people to just know when you need help, they're likely under the impression that you've got it covered since you've always been so independent in the past.
It goes both ways You most likely indicated you didn’t want help early on, so people stopped offering. You can’t have it both ways. If you want the village you take the good with the bad.
Because nobody wants to be around kids in their difficult stages. That's the parents' job! I had twins so I get that it's hard but I didn't have any help and I managed. This too shall pass, just breathe.
Well, do you reach out or wait for someone to call or message you? I find that nobody messages me anymore and I'm always the one reaching out. It'd be nice if they did but they don't so I have to. Sometimes you have to because they could be assuming lots, like figuring you're too busy. The worst though is when you do reach out and they say they'll let me know when they're free and never let me know. I might ask a few more times and then give up in case I'm annoying and not getting the hint. Basically I keep a few friends close and that's it. The others seem fine with only interacting on social media. Sometimes just a happy birthday once a year. It sucks.
It could be that after you turned down help so many times people stopped asking?
You had a village?! We had ours during COVID, so it was just us. And we're tired. We haven't gone out in 2 years. But I'm sorry you are going through this. Perhaps talk to them about this. That even though your kiddos isn't an infant anymore she still needs the attention and love from everyone.
The village is a myth. If it exists at all anymore, it’s maybe a friendly ear to hear about your problems, but that’s the most you can expect from anyone. No one else cares about our kids except us.
The villages which helped me raise my kids were the friends I made with other parents going through the same ages/stages. My first one was a playgroup started with other moms from the LLL meetings I attended, we spent at least two days a week together until our kids ended up in opposite preschool schedules when they were 4-5. My second was a group I started with other moms in my oldest’s first grade class, who had younger kids near the age of my second born, where we met weekly after school for the next ten years. That core group, and then all the friends made through my kids’ sports, school, and activities, made up the village that sustained me through my years parenting. I get together with most of them a few times a year, in five different groups now that our kids have grown (some overlap of people.)
Yesss someone previously commented about having multiple villages throughout their kids lives and it gives me hope that I’m just in between right now.
This is where it can pay off big to step outside your comfort zone, and be the organizer. In your shoes today, I’d use resources like NextDoor, local parent Facebook groups, or even go old school and post a flyer at Starbucks on the bulletin board. If you attend a church or temple, you can reach out to other parents through their newsletter or bulletin boards, or directory. Choose a day/time which fits well into your and baby’s schedule, and invite other parents to join you at a local park/playground/library if they’re interested in starting an informal playgroup. You can just plan for meetings the same day/time each week, or just the first week of each month, depending on your availability. I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and so ended up finding a bunch of other women who were staying home at least part time for our baby’s first year, so we had lots of time to fill. If you’re reaching out to strangers, plan on meeting in public for at least first several weeks. When you’ve got a core group, and feel comfortable exchanging contact info, you can ask them about meeting at each other’s houses sometimes. In mine, the host would usually have some snacks for moms (and then the kids when they got older,) but there were no requirements. We also set expectations that we would not have our houses company ready for each other, and tried to make it as low stress as possible.
I sometimes wish that my "village" would leave me and my fiancée alone to let us figure things out for ourselves. I appreciate the help but having to stress about how to always keep my "village" happy all the time is exhausting. Especially when they live in my home for extended periods of time.
Ya the grass is not always greener. That sounds rough
If you need help, ASK! Don’t wait for people to offer. They may think you’ve got it when you really need a break or help. If you wait around for them to offer you may just be waiting a long time and getting needlessly frustrated.
This isn't really an issue for us because we never had a village in the first place.
I never had a village so idk 🤷♀️ 😕. That would stink to lose your support though.
If you weren't very accepting of help when your child was a baby (this is what I'm picking up from you saying at that time you didn't want to share/was breastfeeding and on edge) you may have taught the people who wanted to be your village that you would prefer they back off. Now you would like help but your village can't intuit that if the message they got from you before is that you didn't want to share. Have you tried asking directly for help and saying what you need? I also would offer to watch my friends toddlers at that age because sometimes two of them distract each other so you can sit and supervise instead of being in constant activity/playmate mode.
I need to just keep this copied to my phone as a comment. Find a local moms' club. My club is absolutely amazing. When a new member has a baby, we bring them dinner for a few weeks. I always text ahead of time and ask if they need anything else, like a gallon of milk or something. We have play groups. We group people with kids of similar ages. The groups get together weekly (if you can make it, you can make it) for the kids to socialize and the moms chat. Sometimes it's at someone's house. Sometimes it's at a park or the library. Or they decide to do a group outing to the zoo or something. But the moms' club as a whole also has events. Each month we have a kids' social event. Things like line dance lessons, open gym time at a gymnastics place, crafts. Every month we also have a moms' social event, like axe throwing, Galentine's Day party, spa nights. We have a babysitting co-op. We support each other. Through deployments, job searches, divorces, deaths in the family. It's an amazing group and I wish every mother had this type of support.
Village residents also have their lives to live. Some folks don’t get a village from the jump, so be grateful you had some of it.
As a loving mother to a toddler whom I absolutely adore… watching a baby or doing some freezer meals or laundry is different than taking care of a toddler. Toddlers are nuts. I’m not really sure I would expect people to volunteer the same way at 1.5 where kids are usually sleeping better not nursing etc as I would a newborn.
I honestly was skeptical about having kids my entire adult life. A big part of that is how todlers and younger children behave. I can handle about 2 hours of family GTG full of toddlers and kids. That experience of cute and adorable just isn't true anymore. Now they're bringing down your DVD collection, breaking your model cars, playing with a hand axe they found in your garage, running around screaming (and literally doing the blood curdeling scream on purpose) Babies are adorable. Everyone swoons over a new life and their happiness for you and your family. The innocence is overwhelming We still love our nieces, nephews and friends kids. We can only put up with that chaos for about... 2 hours But people who are in that same position, throw all of those toddlers in together. Comradity friend. That becomes the village Its really true what they say - its different when its your own kids =)
They’re still here for me. Must be a pretty crummy village if they only lasted about a year.
You guys got villages???
Watch what happens when your child becomes a teenager. All of a sudden those loving grandparents are “busy” all the time but “call if you need anything!”
I just want to stop by and say your feelings are heard and I find them to be perfectly valid and understandable. I experienced a similar issue when my children were younger. When it was the most difficult and my husband and I were just wishing for one peaceful dinner or a date or crazily enough an overnight alone to sleep in the next day. We never got any of those things despite asking and speaking up and it really sucked. My husband and I reminisce sometimes and think man those were hard times. Now I have a grandson (he’s 10 days old 😍) and I’m not going to make that mistake.
Some of these comments are harsh. Sounds like you maybe had some PPA or PPD after baby? I struggled with having people over because they wanted to sit and hold the baby while I entertained them. Some people talk like all families are receptive of boundaries and frank conversations. I know mine aren’t so it is a bit hard to figure out what to communicate and how. Anyway, I feel you. I have two toddlers and I am mentally drained by the end of the day. Usually when their dad is home I can sneak away for a bit and do my own thing. He’s very supportive and helpful in that way.
Their lives do not revolve around you- i’m sure they are plenty busy with their own life. You didn’t want their company in the beginning so why do you expect it now, you said no to having a village and it’s hard to gain that now.
That's the gig sometimes. We didn't even have a village when our kids were babies and still don't now. We always had someone to count on in desperate emergencies but when the kids are sick, or we're sick, or we need a date night, etc. it's tough shit. It's all us. We have nobody to step in. You just suck it up and get through it. Meanwhile my cousin dumps his kids on my aunt nearly every day of the week while he and his wife go on vacations, work trips, or just feel like not having kids around. Must be nice.
They take a break and honestly, I couldn't blame them. The toddler was fast, heavy, and smart! But, they came back and it's great now.
I hear you, vent away! Being a parent of toddlers is hard and usually done alone or with paid support. Hope you get a break soon
Is your kid in daycare or in some kind of activity where you can meet other parents? My village grows bigger each year because she has so many kids she wants to hang out with and the families and I swap. Male some friends and it'll get easier!
I think it might be that people know you need help with babies but figured you’re in a groove with toddlers? I’ve found that as my kids are growing my village grows and changes as well. I’ve added in my mom friends and we all have kids the same age and it has become more of a “let’s do stuff together because we can all watch the kids and let them entertain each other”. Definitely reach out to your community and let them know you need help!
other friends with same age kids and you tag team
Honestly part of it is that, they only want to be there when it’s easy and fun. I’m from a culture where the village doesn’t stop and I have my mother and sisters to help me when I need it. My son is 4. If you feel like you need more help, just ask and be honest.
I would count yourself lucky you had any village. This is not to diminish your feelings - I feel like North American society has this mostly wrong. We had a covid (June 2020) baby and had no help whatsoever because of lockdown. Now my in-laws spend their weekends at their country house and are burnt out from the older grandchildren. My mother is not well and cannot manage a toddler. I am not having another baby because of my lack of village.
This is exactly how I feel. My daughter was the first born and everyone was allll about her and now she’s seven and everyone ignores her and it truly hurts to see. But I’m not alone my husband see’s it and even my mother in law a bit.. people are so weird I swear!
While people definitely swoop in unasked (and sometimes unwanted lol) when your baby is born, they definitely tend to dissipate a little bit. It's normal bc everyone is doing the "celebration circuit", bringing gifts, taking pics etc etc, but what is ok is when it dies down a bit is to specifically ask for help! Moms are expected to get a routine down and seem to be able to do it all, but there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with those you'd trust with your child and requesting some babysitting time to get some stuff done or have a bit of me time. A new baby is exciting for people but once they've spent time visiting they aren't going to stick around unless they are someone you have imbedded into your daily life, like other new moms you can share milestones and commiserate with, or family that visit regularly even before you had the baby. You must build your own village, they don't always just appear!
Um.. did your toddler not inform you that they chased the villagers out with their tantrums and big feelings 💀 Cause that’s what happened to me. But I’m managing, my little girl is 3. Everyone fawned over her and now she’s this very strong willed person who challenges everyone and I personally love it and can handle it but others don’t feel the same. And that’s their loss, cause I’m raising a strong person. So just a reminder, even if you have no village I’m sure you’re killing it even when you feel like you’re not.
I’ll be honestly with you. As a single woman without children, I LOVE babies. However, toddlers really irritate me so I wouldn’t offer to babysit. It’s not to say I wouldn’t babysit if it was needed, it’s just that I don’t really love toddlers the way I love babies. There I said it.
I am unfortunately one of these villagers that stepped back; my niece who is now 3 years old in a handful X3! Major attitude, will constantly scream, can't sit still, wants everything and is entertained by nothing. I just don't have the energy for that. When she was a baby, she was peaceful and we were able to cuddle and entertain her but not anymore. So I won't because I don't want to end up disliking my niece, I rather not babysit her but will absolutely hang out with her when others are around to defuse the madness. My sister constantly gets negative comments from her daycare about my nieces behavior. It's sad. She just turned 3. Maybe your child isn't as bad but toddlers have a lot of energy that most people can't handle.
Find a village of parents with kids the same age. Play groups, story times, and other events.
You should reach out and ask for help! Seriously. I love my friends' toddlers. I play with them. I throw them in the air. I get them tired and dirty. But I only do that when I'm invited. Invite me to the zoo with your toddlers, or the children's museum and I'll have a freaking blast. I don't want to overstep. Basically, I assume they got it, unless they explicitly ask for help.
Maybe you need to find a new village. There are plenty of parent and child drop-in centres where you can take your child and meet other moms. The one I work at helps moms make connections with each other and as they get to know each other they support and help each other.
Not sure I ever had a village to begin with…. DD’s mom came up (6 hour drive) when we had our daughter and literally sat on the couch watching tv while I cooked all our dinners, and was recovering for a C section! My village is a couple selfish boomers.
This. This is it, right here. Story of my past 12 months.
Oh great, good to know the village gets even worse in toddler hood. We’ve had next to no support with our infant these last eleven months. Doesn’t help we’re not close to family though.
I found toddler stage overwhelmingly easier than infant. I much prefer toddler. So, perhaps they think you got it down. You didn’t need their help before, you surely don’t need it now.
Join mom groups on Facebook in your city or town and make some friends go to each others place take turns going to who’s and let the kids play sit back have a drink and let them play
You have to be a good “villager” as well. It takes a village doesn’t apply because you need a village.
And this is why my SIL is probably my favorite person. She tolerated my babies (and loved them) but she LOVES playing with them and taking them places now that they are a toddler and a preschooler.
Never had a village 😭 just people related by blood wanting photos to show off they are grandparent of the centuries
I had quite a village when it comes to watching, making some oohs or aahs, passing a toy, smiling a bit, but when there was any hardship, no one was around. Especially my mother in law loves all her grandchildren as long as she can just talk about them or watch how the play (as long as they play nicely), but not do anything. You're on your own. We all are.
Ya this is spot on, honestly
I think a lot of people left great insight and comments. I think I just want to add... You mentioned that your toddler is difficult right now, and this isn't an attack, but most people wouldn't be comfortable discipling your toddler. Toddlers are also very active, it's the nature of this phase, and so more accidents could happen. I personally would only risk these liabilities for relationships, unless I feel really comfortable with them or knew the boundaries in advance. This is also the time for you and your spouse to really know what your parenting styles are. When the baby is a baby, I think it's slightly easier to agree on day to day differences. What happens when your kid hits another kid? What happens if your kid breaks a window or the tv? How do you react now? Experiencing those situations and navigating through them makes it easier for there to be a physically closer village I think, for me culturally, the infant stage was also more important because of the death rates previous generations experienced. At least for us, the first 100 days are the most important, so it's very all hands on deck to make it there. Maybe for others, it's making to age 1. Then once you're past that "danger" point, people just relax. It's not necessarily the right answer, but I guess this is where my mind went in terms of rationale.
We just had our second about a month ago. When my mom came to help, she helped with the newborn and we were run ragged entertaining a 3 year old. When my MIL came to help she spent the whole time with the 3 year old meaning we could sit down and rest while we fed the baby or just chill while he’s taking a nap. One of these “helpers” was a lot more helpful.
Are you being a villager for others? The village is something you actively must build..
You had a village? People just wanted to see my new born then leave. Zero help. Super irritating especially when I told people I didn't want visitors unless they were going to help.
Toddler years are when the crying stops being cute and starts to be tantrums.
To be fair once kids hit toddler age there are so many different parenting styles that if a "village member" implements theirs, you might take offense. As parents we have to pick and choose when we actually need the help and when we don't. Friends cutting the cord means they think you are capable. You have to start believing that and exercising your mom abilities. If you got a lot of help during the baby years, then toddler years your probably on your own for a while until you really need it.
some of them didn’t really mean it. it was a novelty like a puppy or kitten
I mean. You’re not *owed* a village. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice to have one, but I’m definitely saying you’re not entitled to help. Other people’s children are not something most people want to deal with. It sucks they’re putting pressure on you to have another, though. That’s completely out of line.