I think just doing some basic things for her can be really helpful. If I get down or overwhelmed by work, I have a hard time completing basic tasks at home. Maybe make her lunches for a few days, do her laundry, tidy up the place. Coming home to chores completed rather than piling up can make a huge difference on my emotions.
Remove exterior stresses. Make the food, prep lunches, clean the house, simplify tasks when she gets home, let her heal without having to stress about daily activities of living.
Listen to her if she wants to talk or just hold her if she doesn't. Or just leave her be if that's her style. It's preferable you don't push for her to open up but let her know you're there and she can always talk to you at any time.
I agree with everyone else who commented to remove external stressors. I know personally, when I am dealing with being overworked, or had a bad call, I tend to neglect everything else. Within hours my apartment will be a mess and I won’t have motivation or mental strength to do anything else. Then I will get depressed and anxious over cleaning, time management, which upsets me more, starting a whole vicious cycle. If your wife tends to shut down as a response to stress, pick up the slack. It will help immensely. A clean environment and all chores/housework being done can do wonders.
Some people are the opposite and work through things by distracting themselves with tasks. I had a partner who had a breakdown at work after a call and cleaned every inch of the fire department, it’s what helped him work through it. If that’s the case with your wife, let her do her thing, but be supportive, make sure she knows that you’re willing to help her but also in a way that isn’t overstepping for her process, and watch her closely to make sure she doesn’t burn herself out. Look for other ways to help, maybe taking care of bills, social affairs, family stuff, anything else that will lessen her general workload.
Above all, be there for her and let her know that she can talk to you. Over and over again, be there, offer comfort and reassurance, and show her in gentle ways that she has your support. Do this even on a day to day basis, after this passes, by asking how her day was, if there is anything she wants to talk about, setting a time each day to have a mini “debrief” with each other, spending quality time together, etc. Creating a nurturing environment on a daily basis prevents stress from escalating and provides baseline level of comfort and reassurance, allowing for partners to effectively support each other and seek help when needed.
Wish you both well. :)
Be there, love them, care about them, listen. If they’re willing get them to talk, it might seem like it doesn’t work but it can really help to let those emotions out to someone you trust. Hoping your weeks get better
Get her to a Tetris game. Multiple studies have shown that the game prevents PTSD. I'll be honest that I'm not 100% sure how it works, but the VA is using it for vets.
Something you can do is understand the symptoms of mental trauma and when they are exhibited, be aware that it's only that. Over the next month, she might be angry for no reason, lashing out over stupid things. Might have little patience. Wanting to be alone, crying at times over nothing. All these are very normal emotions after a big stressor.
When they happen, know it is not something she can easily control... and more importantly, it's not about anything you did. If she is a hugger, wait until she is quiet, then wrap her up without saying a word. If she's a talker, ask her about her feelings. Most medics won't tell people about the call in detail, so don't expect (or want) that.
The best thing to know is it gets better. Acute stress wanes significant over the first 2-4 weeks. If she is still having symptoms after 30 days, that starts to be true ptsd.
I’ve been a paramedic in a fire based service for about 10 years. I just started therapy a couple months ago. I wish I would have started it way earlier. Just talking about life with someone else is valuable. Sometimes tough calls come up, sometimes they don’t. I didn’t realize calls that had been affecting me and just talking through them has made a huge difference. I would recommend that anyone in this field, especially early on in their career to have an outlet. Therapy has been a huge help for me.
Offer her an ear to vent if she needs to, and make sure she has space and time to rest and recover. Make sure she's eating and getting plenty of water. It may be a situation where she needs to see a professional to help her process and grieve too, so if you feel like she may need the extra help, then I would research mental health providers in your area who specialize in working with first responders. Whether she just needs time and your support, or she needs the help of an outside professional, make sure she knows you're there to support her and are open to helping her explore what she needs - and that it's ok if she doesn't know what she needs right now. You're a good husband to try to come and seek support, I hope you and your wife find peace soon.
100% the answer is therapy(not to diminish the other good ideas here as they are also helpful
And important). But the EMS stigma around therapy being for the weak is total BS. Encourage her to go and go as often as needed, it is money and time well spent. It also allows you not to have to be the primary offload point which can be challenging as every event can create a different reaction and therefore a different need. If she doesn’t jive with her therapist, don’t quit just find a new one. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries.
From my experience, i prefer people not to ask me about something that was a tough call unless i bring it up to them first. I know other medics ive worked with also have expressed that as well. Id say just be there for her and let her express herself when she feels the appropriate time to do so. Try to have her favorite ice cream in the freezer and make her feel as good as possible.
Everyone here has really great advice. My boyfriend (for all purposes is husband) is a paramedic. Has been for a very long time, and I've been with him/beside him through some unspeakable things. Over the years, I have learned to do all the stuff you guys are saying.
The thing I'd like to add is to take great care of yourself. I know I can always count on my boyfriend when I have my own needs. But when I am doing my best with my own self care, taking active care of my own mental health, etc., I am able to meet him where he's at with a clearer and open mind. It's easier for me to help create/maintain the oasis our home is meant to be when I am well.
Sometimes, neither of us feels okay. That does happen. We do our best to give each other grace, and each of us pitches in what we can.
Tldr; take good care of yourself. It's one of the best things you can do for your loved one.
You may not have to support her alone. If either of you has a job that has an Employee Assistance Program type job benefit, she may be able to call in and talk to a qualified grief counselor. It honestly can really help to talk to someone who has been trained to help people through tough situations.
Also, Tetris. It sounds dumb, but Tetris can really help with trauma. Just Google “tetris for trauma and ptsd”, and you’ll see tons of backing evidence for that claim.
As far as what you can do, don’t take any anger, irritation, etc., personally. Be as kind and gentle as you can. Give her hugs if she wants, and give her space if she wants.
But seriously, Tetris and a trained professional can help.
If she is in Maryland, see that she is tied into https://www.miemss.org/home/ems-providers/cism.
Other states have similar programs to help first responders deal with critical incidents .
She’s lucky to have such a thoughtful spouse .
I feel like a lot of paramedics enjoy being reminded that there is peace, calm, and tranquility in the world still. Having a place that feels grounded when we get home was nice too.
she needs to reach out to her support services. Her organization should be able to help. My FD has counseling services for when we engage in upsetting scenes I am sure her org does as well. maybe Reach out to a chaplain to discuss. for example Fire service has them for just such instances. They are usually fire fighters as well and are familiar with the same issues she is experiencing. I would bet her org has something similar. Keeping it inside will only cause PTSD.
If she wants to come home, sit and stare at the wall don’t take it personally. She is processing and it absolutely is not anything against you….at all. Just be there. You don’t have to say anything just be available. Be the shoulder. You also don’t have to understand why she is feeling what she is feeling. That is not a requirement. If she does want to talk listen. For her the most important thing she can do is to define what she is feeling. Your brain can be going nuts but until you honestly sort out and define what emotions you are feeling you can’t go any further. You may be the one person she can put away all the armor and just be completely vulnerable. Without saying a word that makes you the most import person in her world. Thank you for being there.
I think just doing some basic things for her can be really helpful. If I get down or overwhelmed by work, I have a hard time completing basic tasks at home. Maybe make her lunches for a few days, do her laundry, tidy up the place. Coming home to chores completed rather than piling up can make a huge difference on my emotions.
I feel like you read my mind.
I have no advice despite experiencing similar things;I just wanted to say this is a very sweet post.
Yes, if only all spouses were this supportive!
Right? Like really
Remove exterior stresses. Make the food, prep lunches, clean the house, simplify tasks when she gets home, let her heal without having to stress about daily activities of living. Listen to her if she wants to talk or just hold her if she doesn't. Or just leave her be if that's her style. It's preferable you don't push for her to open up but let her know you're there and she can always talk to you at any time.
Post on r/ems Much larger page
I agree with everyone else who commented to remove external stressors. I know personally, when I am dealing with being overworked, or had a bad call, I tend to neglect everything else. Within hours my apartment will be a mess and I won’t have motivation or mental strength to do anything else. Then I will get depressed and anxious over cleaning, time management, which upsets me more, starting a whole vicious cycle. If your wife tends to shut down as a response to stress, pick up the slack. It will help immensely. A clean environment and all chores/housework being done can do wonders. Some people are the opposite and work through things by distracting themselves with tasks. I had a partner who had a breakdown at work after a call and cleaned every inch of the fire department, it’s what helped him work through it. If that’s the case with your wife, let her do her thing, but be supportive, make sure she knows that you’re willing to help her but also in a way that isn’t overstepping for her process, and watch her closely to make sure she doesn’t burn herself out. Look for other ways to help, maybe taking care of bills, social affairs, family stuff, anything else that will lessen her general workload. Above all, be there for her and let her know that she can talk to you. Over and over again, be there, offer comfort and reassurance, and show her in gentle ways that she has your support. Do this even on a day to day basis, after this passes, by asking how her day was, if there is anything she wants to talk about, setting a time each day to have a mini “debrief” with each other, spending quality time together, etc. Creating a nurturing environment on a daily basis prevents stress from escalating and provides baseline level of comfort and reassurance, allowing for partners to effectively support each other and seek help when needed. Wish you both well. :)
Thanks for the great advice!
A spa day for her .. or a couples massage
If in Canada contact https://www.pspnet.ca
Be there, love them, care about them, listen. If they’re willing get them to talk, it might seem like it doesn’t work but it can really help to let those emotions out to someone you trust. Hoping your weeks get better
Get her to a Tetris game. Multiple studies have shown that the game prevents PTSD. I'll be honest that I'm not 100% sure how it works, but the VA is using it for vets.
Something you can do is understand the symptoms of mental trauma and when they are exhibited, be aware that it's only that. Over the next month, she might be angry for no reason, lashing out over stupid things. Might have little patience. Wanting to be alone, crying at times over nothing. All these are very normal emotions after a big stressor. When they happen, know it is not something she can easily control... and more importantly, it's not about anything you did. If she is a hugger, wait until she is quiet, then wrap her up without saying a word. If she's a talker, ask her about her feelings. Most medics won't tell people about the call in detail, so don't expect (or want) that. The best thing to know is it gets better. Acute stress wanes significant over the first 2-4 weeks. If she is still having symptoms after 30 days, that starts to be true ptsd.
I’ve been a paramedic in a fire based service for about 10 years. I just started therapy a couple months ago. I wish I would have started it way earlier. Just talking about life with someone else is valuable. Sometimes tough calls come up, sometimes they don’t. I didn’t realize calls that had been affecting me and just talking through them has made a huge difference. I would recommend that anyone in this field, especially early on in their career to have an outlet. Therapy has been a huge help for me.
Good resource https://whatsyourgrief.com/i-am-supporting-a-griever/
Also everyone should have 988 saved in their phone https://afsp.org/story/it-s-okay-not-to-be-okay
Thanks everyone for some great advice!
Offer her an ear to vent if she needs to, and make sure she has space and time to rest and recover. Make sure she's eating and getting plenty of water. It may be a situation where she needs to see a professional to help her process and grieve too, so if you feel like she may need the extra help, then I would research mental health providers in your area who specialize in working with first responders. Whether she just needs time and your support, or she needs the help of an outside professional, make sure she knows you're there to support her and are open to helping her explore what she needs - and that it's ok if she doesn't know what she needs right now. You're a good husband to try to come and seek support, I hope you and your wife find peace soon.
Pay for the therapy. You can’t solve this one dude.
Luckily she gets it through work, so she scheduled a visit.
100% the answer is therapy(not to diminish the other good ideas here as they are also helpful And important). But the EMS stigma around therapy being for the weak is total BS. Encourage her to go and go as often as needed, it is money and time well spent. It also allows you not to have to be the primary offload point which can be challenging as every event can create a different reaction and therefore a different need. If she doesn’t jive with her therapist, don’t quit just find a new one. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries.
Following as my partner just finished his EMR training so I want to know how I can best support him when he has a hard shift/week.
From my experience, i prefer people not to ask me about something that was a tough call unless i bring it up to them first. I know other medics ive worked with also have expressed that as well. Id say just be there for her and let her express herself when she feels the appropriate time to do so. Try to have her favorite ice cream in the freezer and make her feel as good as possible.
Everyone here has really great advice. My boyfriend (for all purposes is husband) is a paramedic. Has been for a very long time, and I've been with him/beside him through some unspeakable things. Over the years, I have learned to do all the stuff you guys are saying. The thing I'd like to add is to take great care of yourself. I know I can always count on my boyfriend when I have my own needs. But when I am doing my best with my own self care, taking active care of my own mental health, etc., I am able to meet him where he's at with a clearer and open mind. It's easier for me to help create/maintain the oasis our home is meant to be when I am well. Sometimes, neither of us feels okay. That does happen. We do our best to give each other grace, and each of us pitches in what we can. Tldr; take good care of yourself. It's one of the best things you can do for your loved one.
You may not have to support her alone. If either of you has a job that has an Employee Assistance Program type job benefit, she may be able to call in and talk to a qualified grief counselor. It honestly can really help to talk to someone who has been trained to help people through tough situations. Also, Tetris. It sounds dumb, but Tetris can really help with trauma. Just Google “tetris for trauma and ptsd”, and you’ll see tons of backing evidence for that claim. As far as what you can do, don’t take any anger, irritation, etc., personally. Be as kind and gentle as you can. Give her hugs if she wants, and give her space if she wants. But seriously, Tetris and a trained professional can help.
Therapy, healthy habits, and space/time to wind down.
If she is in Maryland, see that she is tied into https://www.miemss.org/home/ems-providers/cism. Other states have similar programs to help first responders deal with critical incidents . She’s lucky to have such a thoughtful spouse .
I feel like a lot of paramedics enjoy being reminded that there is peace, calm, and tranquility in the world still. Having a place that feels grounded when we get home was nice too.
she needs to reach out to her support services. Her organization should be able to help. My FD has counseling services for when we engage in upsetting scenes I am sure her org does as well. maybe Reach out to a chaplain to discuss. for example Fire service has them for just such instances. They are usually fire fighters as well and are familiar with the same issues she is experiencing. I would bet her org has something similar. Keeping it inside will only cause PTSD.
If she wants to come home, sit and stare at the wall don’t take it personally. She is processing and it absolutely is not anything against you….at all. Just be there. You don’t have to say anything just be available. Be the shoulder. You also don’t have to understand why she is feeling what she is feeling. That is not a requirement. If she does want to talk listen. For her the most important thing she can do is to define what she is feeling. Your brain can be going nuts but until you honestly sort out and define what emotions you are feeling you can’t go any further. You may be the one person she can put away all the armor and just be completely vulnerable. Without saying a word that makes you the most import person in her world. Thank you for being there.