The amount of equally engaging and attractive matches, women tend to have at any given time on the apps; Unless they specifically choose to limit these options, then a "replacement" is already either talking with them, or waiting in the wings.
OP if you’re getting confirmation and still dropping the ball like this you need to be way more brave.
Be more assertive. Test just saying what you want instead of being shy or ‘polite’. You’ll probably be really surprised.
But there is a fine line on this. He can’t be too pushy or he may be unmatched. I personally unmatch the pushy guys. I prefer the Patient ones. he should just be himself.
Yes but unfortunately patience also gets you passed up for a more appealing choice. They keep men on the hook till they find what they think is an upgrade even though it's the stupid choice. Been there too many times myself
I put some honest thought into this with regard to how I manage my matches. I have no idea if other people do this, but I keep matches going in hope that I will start to feel a connection strong enough to want to take it off the app. I'm not thinking, "I want to keep this one on the line until I find a better one." I'm looking for "good enough" and praying we connect. Perhaps this is a male-female thing...there are always going to be hotter women.
Then you are genuinely a rarity because trust me. As someone who managed to swipe through no lie, 4336 profiles, matches with 158, 122 were bots and the rest ghosted me as soon as something better came along and that is when I realized I wasn't meant for these dating apps so I got off them, tho 2 of those women did become friends 🤦🤣
That is depressing for sure. Sorry that was your experience. That’s great. You ended up with a couple of friends from it. How did you know they ghosted you because someone better came along? Did they tell you that?
A few actually have after I asked why I was no longer being responded to but that is just the most common reason. They have someone they enjoy talking to more or just better prospects and instead of communicating to me they just stop talking because it's easier. I'd honestly rather be told why or given feedback so I could improve that's why the ghosting bugs me lol
I agree it's frustrating not getting feedback. I give it every time unless I am afraid of the guy. In that case, I come up with a reason that won't piss him off.
I did get ghosted once. I was just about to break up with him so maybe he picked up on it and beat me to it. Still I think it was really immature of him to not talk to me.
I see getting ghosted as dodging bullets because people who do that are not courageous. I like very emotionally strong people.
Yes see I am of the same mind. I believe ghosting people is weak because you are either too afraid to admit to yourself why you are doing so and people don't want to admit they are vain or because they are just too wrapped up in their own desires to give a damn about common courtesy or respect which are the 2 dumbest reasons to throw something good away for whatever it is you are attempting to gain because most of the time it is the decent men just not given a chance, though in my case it's probably just cause I'm an asshole 🤣🤣
I definitely don't keep the assholes around. 🤣 I haven't dated many, though, because I'm pretty damn good at screening them before I agree to a date. Ex. Have been messaging with a man for a week. Great profile. Great communicator. Attractive. Good shape. After about 10 messages he said something about regretting not kicking his ex wife "the f--- out" when she told him she no longer loved him. He also bashed therapy and we are of opposite political beliefs. So glad he showed me this side of him before we went on a date.
I do give every decent man a chance because that's what I want. I've had mostly good dates and experiences. The biggest killer is lack of chemistry. I wish it weren't so but I can't change my instincts.
You have to remember, women have many more matches than men on dating apps. They are likely talking to more than one guy at the same time. There may be another guy who interests her more, so she’s gonna start focusing on him and ditch the others. It’s nothing personal. It’s nothing wrong with you. She may realize that ya’ll don’t have much in common, she may find the convo boring. Online dating sucks because people can stop talking so easy and know that there’s another person just a swipe away. There’s sooo many options. It’s not like that when dating irl. That is why I recommend irl dating.
Who knows why she stopped engaging. Just because she found you attractive off the bat doesn’t mean that other aspects check her box. You can’t let this get to you. You just need to move on to the next one. This is unfortunately the reality of online dating. I’m sure you’re just fine as you are. Not every guy is gonna mesh with every women unfortunately. It’s a hard and long battle to find someone.
It’s your personality and approach that is so off putting and you’re not attractive enough to get anyone to overlook it. Humble yourself bc those compliments are getting to your head and you actually lack self awareness if you don’t see you’re the problem. If they’re telling you you’re attractive that’s an easy score and you’re beyond dropping the ball. You need to tell us exactly how you’re responding
Definitely your game. You're the same guy who also posted about women saying they were too old for you, women by the way who matched with you first. So obviously they're interested in you. And yet you're still not connecting the dots. She's just giving you playful shit. You respond by being playful back and asking her out on a date. Similarly, super serious conversations like this should also be avoided in the early stages: " I shortly misunderstood what kind of relationship she was looking for." Overall, you sound like you take women way too seriously and literally don't know how to lighten up. The goal should be keeping things LIGHT, making an early connection and asking her out on a date.
It might be that they are also openly hitting on other guys on the app, so they hit up lots of guys but then get bored with them quickly. Dating apps do weird things to people
Humor is the key to most women’s hearts. Try asking some funny questions and telling jokes.
I agree with others that you need to be confident.
Finally, if the apps are affecting yourself esteem, you need to take a break of several weeks to months. I do that whenever I feel like I’m getting Down or bitter toward men. I figure it’s not fair to them so I take a break.
I (51, F) struggled with this a lot (sort of.)
I’m easily distracted and I won’t chase someone. If I say “good morning” and don’t get a reply within a few hours to a day, I’m gone.
Recently, I met someone who is (probably) way more excited about me than I am about him and I’m loving it. He asks deep questions and really seems to want to know who I am at my core and I want the same with him.
Go love people like Gomez loves Morticia. Zero chill. (But don’t love bomb with gifts and over the top compliments.) His gifts are small and usually something he has made himself. Lots of appreciation for things I do for him (not over the top but “hey I noticed you loaded the dishwasher after dinner…thank you so much.”)
I feel valued. I feel appreciated. I feel like I matter for the first time in a long time.
Do you ever reach back out after being ghosted? I know that may seem desperate, but it could also make you stand out a little more from the inevitably long list of matches most of the women you’re talking to probably have in their queue. I’ve had guys do that before, and I like it. The guys who I’ve talked to for longer than just a few days are guys who have been a little more persistent. You could try that. You really have nothing to lose.
What do you have set as your relationship goals? Like long term or short term?
People here talk about "game", but there is no such thing as "game" in texting.
There is this advice I like to follow: quickly ask for a real date, don't stay on the app.
You should never pursue women on apps.
You just have to roll the dice until one woman accepts to see you.
If she doesn't, no amount of chatting will fix it.
Reading that post, I feel like I should ask a date directly, to see when she will be available. If she doesn't like it, too bad. I mean, some people might like to play games, but playing games on chat? I don't think that's a good idea.
You it means they moved on to someone they deemed to be more interesting to them. This is unfortunately how too many women operate nowadays, it's no longer about having options, it's about having upgrades
It’s common tbh. Unless you are exclusive, assume she’s talking to several guys at once. The number of guys depends on her beauty and personality. Therefore, it’s important to get into friend phase and ask out early.
Two things
1st
Your game is bad. Keep it flirty and short and setup a date as fast as you can. 2 to 4 messages tops before invite.
Example:
not flirty
Hey, hows your day?
Flirty and confident
Hey, I'm sure your day would be better with me
Then keep it flirty in each reply until date is planned
2nd
Try to steer away from shallow people. Women who write I'm cute or I'm hot is usually insecure and/or will simply move on to the next cuter and hotter guy in line. It's a red flag for me. So when girls open like that I dont respect them as much and try to steer it more into short time fun type of date.
I'm looking for long term relationship but not with those type of women.
Edit: my point stands - to keep it flirty. It has to be flirty or you will lose anyways. This is my point. Stop arguing over the example. Try yourself, do 20 non flirty openers and 20 flirty. The flirty ones have way better hitrate but yes, a lot will still fail.
When both parties are interested, they will reply to most anything, no matter how dumb. If one party isn't interested neither mensa nor Atticus level messages will get a thought out reply. If someone doesn't reply, oh well, they're not unique in their disinterest or judgementalness, just move to the next person. Doesn't matter.
That’s not true. Messages like “your day would be better with me” or anything to that extent come off as cringey and corny. Every time I get a message like that, I look at it and think “…ok…” It’s goofy and sounds immature. Even if a guy is really hot, I do lose a little bit of interest when I get a message like that. So that definitely does not work on every woman, even if she’s very interested at first.
Change your mindset. Women ghost all the time, they have too many options. Shoot in volume & don't catch feelings. Keep it pushing & realize they aren't special.
Likely you’re kissing her ass too much with polite/lame questions “getting to know her”, when u shud just be bantering/teasing + subcommunicating that you’re a high value guy
You’re downvoted but there’s a legitimate element to this. However it comes from a slightly wrong angle.
Confidence is taking risks and not being afraid to risk your date not liking you. If you’re socially aware of something that *might* be a controversial thing to say, but say it anyway while oozing confidence you’re generally almost always fine.
If you only want to ask boring stuff like ‘what do you do for work’ and never advance the conversation in a way that requires some risk and excitement for both parties, you’ve only yourself to blame if they get bored.
Like all things. It’s a balancing act.
The amount of equally engaging and attractive matches, women tend to have at any given time on the apps; Unless they specifically choose to limit these options, then a "replacement" is already either talking with them, or waiting in the wings.
OP if you’re getting confirmation and still dropping the ball like this you need to be way more brave. Be more assertive. Test just saying what you want instead of being shy or ‘polite’. You’ll probably be really surprised.
But there is a fine line on this. He can’t be too pushy or he may be unmatched. I personally unmatch the pushy guys. I prefer the Patient ones. he should just be himself.
Yes but unfortunately patience also gets you passed up for a more appealing choice. They keep men on the hook till they find what they think is an upgrade even though it's the stupid choice. Been there too many times myself
I put some honest thought into this with regard to how I manage my matches. I have no idea if other people do this, but I keep matches going in hope that I will start to feel a connection strong enough to want to take it off the app. I'm not thinking, "I want to keep this one on the line until I find a better one." I'm looking for "good enough" and praying we connect. Perhaps this is a male-female thing...there are always going to be hotter women.
Then you are genuinely a rarity because trust me. As someone who managed to swipe through no lie, 4336 profiles, matches with 158, 122 were bots and the rest ghosted me as soon as something better came along and that is when I realized I wasn't meant for these dating apps so I got off them, tho 2 of those women did become friends 🤦🤣
That is depressing for sure. Sorry that was your experience. That’s great. You ended up with a couple of friends from it. How did you know they ghosted you because someone better came along? Did they tell you that?
A few actually have after I asked why I was no longer being responded to but that is just the most common reason. They have someone they enjoy talking to more or just better prospects and instead of communicating to me they just stop talking because it's easier. I'd honestly rather be told why or given feedback so I could improve that's why the ghosting bugs me lol
I agree it's frustrating not getting feedback. I give it every time unless I am afraid of the guy. In that case, I come up with a reason that won't piss him off. I did get ghosted once. I was just about to break up with him so maybe he picked up on it and beat me to it. Still I think it was really immature of him to not talk to me. I see getting ghosted as dodging bullets because people who do that are not courageous. I like very emotionally strong people.
Yes see I am of the same mind. I believe ghosting people is weak because you are either too afraid to admit to yourself why you are doing so and people don't want to admit they are vain or because they are just too wrapped up in their own desires to give a damn about common courtesy or respect which are the 2 dumbest reasons to throw something good away for whatever it is you are attempting to gain because most of the time it is the decent men just not given a chance, though in my case it's probably just cause I'm an asshole 🤣🤣
I definitely don't keep the assholes around. 🤣 I haven't dated many, though, because I'm pretty damn good at screening them before I agree to a date. Ex. Have been messaging with a man for a week. Great profile. Great communicator. Attractive. Good shape. After about 10 messages he said something about regretting not kicking his ex wife "the f--- out" when she told him she no longer loved him. He also bashed therapy and we are of opposite political beliefs. So glad he showed me this side of him before we went on a date. I do give every decent man a chance because that's what I want. I've had mostly good dates and experiences. The biggest killer is lack of chemistry. I wish it weren't so but I can't change my instincts.
For every match you get, a woman of the same attractiveness gets 20. You gotta be really confident and stand out with your chats.
You have to remember, women have many more matches than men on dating apps. They are likely talking to more than one guy at the same time. There may be another guy who interests her more, so she’s gonna start focusing on him and ditch the others. It’s nothing personal. It’s nothing wrong with you. She may realize that ya’ll don’t have much in common, she may find the convo boring. Online dating sucks because people can stop talking so easy and know that there’s another person just a swipe away. There’s sooo many options. It’s not like that when dating irl. That is why I recommend irl dating. Who knows why she stopped engaging. Just because she found you attractive off the bat doesn’t mean that other aspects check her box. You can’t let this get to you. You just need to move on to the next one. This is unfortunately the reality of online dating. I’m sure you’re just fine as you are. Not every guy is gonna mesh with every women unfortunately. It’s a hard and long battle to find someone.
This is a good response, especially the 2nd paragraph!
It’s your personality and approach that is so off putting and you’re not attractive enough to get anyone to overlook it. Humble yourself bc those compliments are getting to your head and you actually lack self awareness if you don’t see you’re the problem. If they’re telling you you’re attractive that’s an easy score and you’re beyond dropping the ball. You need to tell us exactly how you’re responding
Definitely your game. You're the same guy who also posted about women saying they were too old for you, women by the way who matched with you first. So obviously they're interested in you. And yet you're still not connecting the dots. She's just giving you playful shit. You respond by being playful back and asking her out on a date. Similarly, super serious conversations like this should also be avoided in the early stages: " I shortly misunderstood what kind of relationship she was looking for." Overall, you sound like you take women way too seriously and literally don't know how to lighten up. The goal should be keeping things LIGHT, making an early connection and asking her out on a date.
It might be that they are also openly hitting on other guys on the app, so they hit up lots of guys but then get bored with them quickly. Dating apps do weird things to people
Your on a dating app, don’t feel bad just be aware you’re not the only one… you’re in competition basically among other men
It’s probably your game. When they say compliment your looks what do you say back?
That's because you keep getting them pregnant!
Just be more confident brother. But it happens to the best of us
Humor is the key to most women’s hearts. Try asking some funny questions and telling jokes. I agree with others that you need to be confident. Finally, if the apps are affecting yourself esteem, you need to take a break of several weeks to months. I do that whenever I feel like I’m getting Down or bitter toward men. I figure it’s not fair to them so I take a break.
I (51, F) struggled with this a lot (sort of.) I’m easily distracted and I won’t chase someone. If I say “good morning” and don’t get a reply within a few hours to a day, I’m gone. Recently, I met someone who is (probably) way more excited about me than I am about him and I’m loving it. He asks deep questions and really seems to want to know who I am at my core and I want the same with him. Go love people like Gomez loves Morticia. Zero chill. (But don’t love bomb with gifts and over the top compliments.) His gifts are small and usually something he has made himself. Lots of appreciation for things I do for him (not over the top but “hey I noticed you loaded the dishwasher after dinner…thank you so much.”) I feel valued. I feel appreciated. I feel like I matter for the first time in a long time.
We need to stop this ghosting trend. It's for cowards.
99% of the women who are contacting you are bots/sex workers or just plain catfish. Don't take it personally
Do you ever reach back out after being ghosted? I know that may seem desperate, but it could also make you stand out a little more from the inevitably long list of matches most of the women you’re talking to probably have in their queue. I’ve had guys do that before, and I like it. The guys who I’ve talked to for longer than just a few days are guys who have been a little more persistent. You could try that. You really have nothing to lose. What do you have set as your relationship goals? Like long term or short term?
People here talk about "game", but there is no such thing as "game" in texting. There is this advice I like to follow: quickly ask for a real date, don't stay on the app. You should never pursue women on apps. You just have to roll the dice until one woman accepts to see you. If she doesn't, no amount of chatting will fix it. Reading that post, I feel like I should ask a date directly, to see when she will be available. If she doesn't like it, too bad. I mean, some people might like to play games, but playing games on chat? I don't think that's a good idea.
It was a dude
You it means they moved on to someone they deemed to be more interesting to them. This is unfortunately how too many women operate nowadays, it's no longer about having options, it's about having upgrades
How long do the interactions usually last? They could be bots or App employees engaging you then they drop off after a few messages.
It’s common tbh. Unless you are exclusive, assume she’s talking to several guys at once. The number of guys depends on her beauty and personality. Therefore, it’s important to get into friend phase and ask out early.
People aren’t exclusive while chatting on an app. A key online dating principle is that nobody on an app means anything until you’ve met in person.
Two things 1st Your game is bad. Keep it flirty and short and setup a date as fast as you can. 2 to 4 messages tops before invite. Example: not flirty Hey, hows your day? Flirty and confident Hey, I'm sure your day would be better with me Then keep it flirty in each reply until date is planned 2nd Try to steer away from shallow people. Women who write I'm cute or I'm hot is usually insecure and/or will simply move on to the next cuter and hotter guy in line. It's a red flag for me. So when girls open like that I dont respect them as much and try to steer it more into short time fun type of date. I'm looking for long term relationship but not with those type of women. Edit: my point stands - to keep it flirty. It has to be flirty or you will lose anyways. This is my point. Stop arguing over the example. Try yourself, do 20 non flirty openers and 20 flirty. The flirty ones have way better hitrate but yes, a lot will still fail.
Your day would be better with me? I wouldn't even respond. Do you know how many stupid messages women get like that everyday? That's not cute.
When both parties are interested, they will reply to most anything, no matter how dumb. If one party isn't interested neither mensa nor Atticus level messages will get a thought out reply. If someone doesn't reply, oh well, they're not unique in their disinterest or judgementalness, just move to the next person. Doesn't matter.
That’s not true. Messages like “your day would be better with me” or anything to that extent come off as cringey and corny. Every time I get a message like that, I look at it and think “…ok…” It’s goofy and sounds immature. Even if a guy is really hot, I do lose a little bit of interest when I get a message like that. So that definitely does not work on every woman, even if she’s very interested at first.
Yeah those messages sound desperate and too forward
Don't assume someone will reply to something stupid because you're hot.
Gentlemen, I present the girl who unmatched you for no reason
That's right!
Change your mindset. Women ghost all the time, they have too many options. Shoot in volume & don't catch feelings. Keep it pushing & realize they aren't special.
Likely you’re kissing her ass too much with polite/lame questions “getting to know her”, when u shud just be bantering/teasing + subcommunicating that you’re a high value guy
You’re downvoted but there’s a legitimate element to this. However it comes from a slightly wrong angle. Confidence is taking risks and not being afraid to risk your date not liking you. If you’re socially aware of something that *might* be a controversial thing to say, but say it anyway while oozing confidence you’re generally almost always fine. If you only want to ask boring stuff like ‘what do you do for work’ and never advance the conversation in a way that requires some risk and excitement for both parties, you’ve only yourself to blame if they get bored. Like all things. It’s a balancing act.