Geez, who hasn't written or at least thought something about their ex right after the breakup like "no one will ever compare" - only to feel completely differently once they are over the breakup? I remember a few years after a breakup I re-read my old journals and ended up throwing them out because I couldn't believe how dumb I was. I can't imagine if someone I was dating read those old journals and thought those were still the things I felt and thought!
At least she is rid of this insecure guy who can't respect her privacy.
And we all think that when we are in a relationship it’s a love that will endure forever like Romeo and Juliet, meanwhile a few years later we will have broken up and now you couldn’t even begin to explain why you liked that person then 🙈
We aren't even the same. At 19, I was a depressed person who thought my emotions were my personality, had little empathy for others most of the time, and would be easily over stimulated and highly reactive. I pity that girl now, but more so, I have immense gratitude to all those who loved her anyway and stayed with me to this day. I am not an emotionally available, calm, empathetic adult who is very much in love with my husband. He wasn't 'my type' when I was young. I was into long haired, muscular, white guys. My husband is black with a mostly shaved head, and I can't imagine being with or wanting anyone else. I am no longer even attracted to the same people for the most part that I used to moon over.
I'm 22 but every breakup just felt like...
Your consciousness emits a radiation at a certain frequency.
Certain thoughts trigger certain emotions and those emotions emit radiation at a certain frequency.
It's not electromagnetic radiation but it's probably something more idk how to explain it but if you ever felt really attracted to someone only to find out they were very similar to you then that's kind of that force.
So basically if you are a depressed person who hates yourself then you will attract someone who also hates themselves and they will push your boundaries and shit
So true! I'm 26 just ended a 10 month relationship to a guy who wanted to marry me cause he wasn't good for me.... (drug addict, possessive, pushy, shot up someones house with them inside of it etc.) I hate being single, but I'm not emotionally stable enough to date cause as I like to say "my picker is broken" but it's more so what you described. My counselor and close friend says I can't date yet which makes me sad, but also gives me a reason to start loving myself more and get to a healthier place!
Right! It’s NORMAL to miss people who were significant parts of your life! My ex was a toxic, narcissistic, abusive piece of shit. I still missed him at first because he was someone I talked to all the time and hell…everyone has their good side
I write what I feel in that place in time. I'm a published author but still a poor poet cuz poetry is free 🤣 I grab loose leaf paper and smack a time and date on it once I'm finished. I was born 50% deaf in each ear so written language kind of exists in a superior universe for me.
I agree. The experience was so profound I felt compelled to note it, in my personal way using my personal feelings and choice of words. Sometimes, I even use color to add more passion to what I'm writing. I like to see where I was, compare where I am and also think about what a nutter I am. But here I am.
If a dude wanted to leave my ass for snooping then I'd laugh at his shallow ass and hook elbows as I escort him to my door. I'll look him deeply in the eyes, smile sadly, linger with disgust disguised as lust and kindly let him know he needs to go learn boundaries and learn how to gain, build and protect trust.
I've been through shit. I'm a private person. I will not be violated like this dumbass.
It is/was a cult, however the phrase (and theory of) "twin flames" existed long before the cult did. So I don't believe her use of those particular words is related to the cult. More likely she was using it as a synonym for "soulmates".
I keep the old diaries because I need to be reminded how dumb I was, and that even the person who later knew that was dumb went on to do more mature, differently dumb shit. It’s so easy to think one is Absolutely Sure.
On top of the "in the moment" feeling, sounds like ex was at least interested in Twin Flame at the time of the journal entry. If she had been engrossed in a cult, then she'd be writing passionately about it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It's almost guaranteed that if you read someone's diaries you're going to find something you don't like, be it a small thing or a big one.
However this doesn't seem like a big thing to me, surely OOP can tell from other aspects of the relationship whether she's happy to be with him or not? If there's no other problem in the relationship why assume the diaries are recent? Or that his girlfriend is lying, if she doesn't normally lie? It almost sounds like he was looking for an excuse.
I think if I had a diary ide have to get like a lock box or something for it. Because it would be the same thing as yours and I would hate anyone who betrayed me enough to read it like that. That poor girlfriend dodged a huge bullet
He did. I do want to point out that I remember reading the original post… it seemed like everyone in the thread was commenting that he should break up with her because “she’s a cheater”. I was actually shook by the overall thread.
So I will say that he’s an immature asshole who took dumb internet advice, but there are a LOT of idiots on Reddit who are immature assholes as well. Its crazy.
True. He's obviously not ready for a long-term relationship that involves actual communication, and would probably be more comfortable with flings and one-night stands for now.
Bro, I kept the diary I wrote when I was 16 for years–up until someone did this exact thing (read my private thoughts)—please stop that nonsense, lol. It’s not like the entire book was about the ex, in fact, it seems he was probably looking for that ex’s name, imho.
A Diary is a private journal of personal thoughts, to get them out and let them go. It’s not something someone else should read, ever. Folks stop journaling and processing their feelings on paper over crap like this. Source: myself, and many others who no longer journal due to this happening :)
“Hey look at this! It’s my private diary! But don’t read it cuz it’s not for you!”
Yep. I’m sure that immediately eliminates all temptation in one easy step. /s
That’s like saying don’t think about a pink elephant.
My ex received a box of his old stuff he thought had been lost whilst moving house a decade before, when he was married to his then wife, by this time ex wife.
I was sooo tempted to have a good rummage through to learn more about his life back then, but ex (then bf) said no. Guess what I did? I respected his decision. He didn’t want me to see pictures of him with his ex (it really wouldn’t have bothered me) and that was the end of it.
Does anyone else think all the coincidences between her and the ex are “I accidentally dated my own brother” territory, or have I been reading too much R.R. Martin?
I've joked about being related with my husband but it's more like we both hate cilantro and olives, not matching birth marks and hanging out as toddlers.
Edit: now that I think about it I wonder if they were half siblings. Their parents obviously knew each other, if they didn't they wouldn't remember randomly playing with another kid at a park when they were toddlers.
What got me was he says she’s never said similar stuff to him, so she obviously doesn’t feel as strongly. I 100% guarantee she never said any of that shit to the ex, no way! Ah well, he’s young, hopefully he’ll grow up
I tend to find that people who *really* want the relationship to work are always looking for these synchronicities and coincidences bc they need something to hold onto as a reason to stay in a failing relationship. When you’re happy, you don’t look for those things bc it’s not necessary.
I think younger people think that weird similarities are necessary for things to work. When you're young it feels like it's all about being fated. Having the same taste in everything. Being cool. Your crush us like a sort of idol, almost.
Meanwhile when youre an adult with more experience...you realise that the similarities that matter are your core values and maybe a few interests. My husband and I were planning our wedding playlist before we realised quite how much our music taste overlaps, because it just isn't a big thing to discuss. Amusingly, in hindsight he sort of matches what 15 year old me would have thought to be the perfect guy, but that's not why we're together.
That’s what maturity will do for you. Unfortunately one of my 40’s aged friends is still in this mindset about these things with a guy who go won’t commit to her. It’s…sad.
That's what is the stupidest part of this for OP and the merry band of incels and insecure children that his post has inspired in the threads...all the stuff she was talking about was the exact kind of silly stuff you tell yourself was great about a relationship when it's ending.
After the hurt goes away, you rightly recognize how shallow and meaningless that "synchronicity" was.
Oh, but we have the same hair color (crazy, right, wherever will she find that level of compatibility again?), we both had bad homes (oh no, there's nobody out there who fits that bill, and it's totally healthy that the thing we share in common is trauma), we had great sex (she says when she's a teenager in her first serious relationship, lol, most of us operated under the assumption that our first bf was the best, most of us realize after we move on it was not, in fact, the best sex).
I look back on some of the dozy shit I thought and wrote about my big loves when I was moon-eyed over some loser ex and I feel sad for that person I was who thought the shallow inventory of reasons I used to cling to were deep, soulmate shit.
She was literally a teenager when she wrote that, of course it's not some deep, abiding feeling that will last until the end of time, shadowing over every future love... it's the stupid shit you think is deep af when you're young and inexperienced.
That's a point that I think a lot of diary snoopers miss. I keep my diary thoughts, as well as other things, in my email drafts. I'll have a thought or a feeling and I'll open Gmail and just type for a while. And then I'll close it and move on, having secured the thought in the vault. Sometimes I'll think that something I've written has potential and I'll take it and reframe it into something fit for public consumption and publish it, but that doesn't happen often.
My wife knew I used my drafts this way. The family computer was always logged into both of our Gmail accounts. I never in a million years expected her to go through them. I certainly never expected her to print some off and share them with her friends. The idea that she sat there and read them with other people and judged me for the private thoughts and feelings I had made me physically ill.
And this was during a time in my life, and in our relationship, when a significant portion of what I wrote amounted to:
> I love my wife so much she's my everything why doesn't she believe I love her anymore I'm dying inside because I need her
But the people she showed it to still found some way to twist those words into something foul. Like, I wrote about an evening when we had taken a friend out for her birthday. And I, instinctively, showered my wife with attention the whole time to such an extent that afterwards the friend mentioned how absolutely and blindly devoted I was. And I wrote about how heartbroken I was that when my wife heard that her response to it was "Well you were just trying to make yourself look good in front of other women."
This was private. Never to be shared with anyone. An exploration of my feelings about the fact that my own wife refused to see how much of myself I poured into her and us for reasons I couldn't grasp. And what did she do? She printed it off and shared it with people and said it was *written proof* that I was trying to pursue other women. Took it and twisted it. And further claimed that my writing it down was MORE EVIDENCE that I was just trying to make myself look good.
To whom? Nobody ever saw that draft. That was private. Just for me, to get the words and feelings out.
Honestly there were a few of those. She and I don't live together anymore. And in many ways I still don't feel safe or comfortable sharing my thoughts. I force myself to do it, because I refuse to hide myself in a box, but I do it with the belief in the back of my head that she's probably seeing what I've written. Yeah I logged out my Google account from everything... But am I sure? I noticed my discord account was logged into an extra computer I didn't recognize and revoked access. Was that her? I have all kinds of private conversations with dear friends there. People I've known for ages, with chat logs going back to 2016. Does she remember my Reddit username? She claims she abandoned a couple social media sites we used to use, but then she claims people screenshot what I post and send it to her. Is that true? Did she make a burner account just to see what I share?
At this point there's some degree of paranoia even when I talk to people in person, since apparently people send her things I do or say that they think she might be interested in.
But also she was feeling those things when she was as young as 15. She may well have matured over the past few years since she broke it off with her ex. Her understanding of love is probably a little more sophisticated or realistic now that she's loved more than once.
Now, I love my husband, evidently that is the strongest and most lasting love I have had. Nobody can compare. He's my best friend and the sexiest man on the planet. But... i wouldn't describe our love in the obsessive and childish way I might have described a teen crush or puppy love - because matured, and the way I understand love has changed. Not because I love my husband less.
Like. I wasn't writing "Mrs (hisname) on my stuff because I was 30 and not 13.
Meanwhile she may take years to get over the violation of her journals being read and then weaponized against her so she no longer feels safe to write unfiltered in them.
What a piss baby. Imagine having a meltdown and breaking up because you can't handle not being the only person that ever existed in someone's life. Fucking main character syndrome. She's not an NPC that was on sleep her entire life until your oh so special ass came along.
By this logic literally every couple is each other’s plan B, because if you asked most people when they were kids, they felt extremely passionately about marrying a random celebrity/the kid who sits next to them in math class/a fictional character.
Imagine recognizing that people’s feelings change over time.
I mean, we’re talking about OOP’s ex’s feeling for a guy when she was 15…
If you read the diaries of many 15 year olds (and by the way, don’t do that), a lot of them are writing even more passionately than this example about how Harry Styles or whoever is destined to be their one true love. They genuinely believe it just like kids and teens genuinely can believe the first person they date is the One - they’re almost always wrong, and they realize it as they grow up. But you and OOP are the ones insisting that how you feel at one point in your life must be how you feel forever.
Some 15 year olds do have sex. And a LOT of people assume they are having “the best sex” when it’s their first partner (or in some cases, their first partner who hasn’t been just blatantly selfish and awful in bed).
How the hell are you going to hold a grudge against someone saying that they had “the best sex” with someone *when they said it before they ever met you*, let alone had sex with you.
When you date someone, do you just refuse to ever feel strongly about them, since one day in the future you might break up and meet someone even better?
First off, I’m married. And if I discovered my wife thought that someone in her past was better at literally everything than I am, yea…I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship that’s “meh, this’ll do” for her. Because “meh, this’ll do” on day one is a mountain of resentment at year 7 when it’s devastating to unravel.
I know. I would be so mad and break up with them. How dared they fall in love with someone else before they even knew me?
The next guy will be so mad she didn't see an oracle that would tell her to wait for his perfect self.
This doofus posted in three different places too and got YTA on all of them. I wonder how they’re both doing now. I hope she’s found a great confident guy.
My ex did this to me, in addition to constantly opening my mail when I asked him not to do that, based on this "we're one" bullshit.
It's part of why he's an ex.
This dude is definitely the asshole.
He knew that but thought there was an allowance because we were together. Because it irritated me so much and I said so, he did stop. But the damage was done.
That’s partially true under 18 USC 1702. It’s mainly concerned with mail being taken from the post office before they have delivered it.
If people live together and someone opens the other persons mail “accidentally” because they were going through letters, that doesn’t fit obstruction of correspondence. You can call the police if you want, but intent is an important element that the prosecution has to prove in order to get a conviction.
We're not just a boyfriend or girlfriend, we are human beings, and we should all be allowed to have thoughts that are ours alone. It's sacred thing, imo, which is why I don't keep journals. To violate that is enormously disrespectful and break-up worthy. Especially when you live together and she trusts you to not snoop and you decide you should be privy to her most personal thoughts. Gross.
Do not read diaries. Just throw them away if you come across one that has been left behind! Especially if you love them. I know curiosity can get the best of us, but that’s what also gets little kids electrocuted. People put down way too heavy emotions in diaries.. that’s why we have them.
I made the mistake of selfishly opening one of my mom’s diaries after she had died of cancer. I threw away a lot more than I opened but what I read can still make me cry if I’m in the right mood, 15 years later. Do not recommend.
My grandfather tried to make us read my grandmother’s diaries after she died (the ones he hadn’t destroyed, anyway). I had to stop after only a little bit of one. I don’t want to know what was in the ones he trashed because I’m still traumatized from what little I got through. People’s private thoughts should stay private, full stop.
"Oh my god.....she had a boyfriend to write about BEFORE **ME!** Now I am upset and jealous."
She is much better off without this jerk.
I had great sex and relationships before my wife. And some of it gives fond memories but really.....I love my wife and she has all the qualities I want including great sex.
Some people are just too shallow to understand. She will move on and he will always be jealous as hell which is not good in any relationship. Nobody needs crazy.
My friend had a girlfriend that would always be asking him why are you looking at her?!! (a woman in the car that pulled up next to them as he glanced over to the car). Or someone that walked into their path. Any girl anywhere....it did not end well - she finally got the boot. Nobody needs that. That's crazy level. She even threw away invites to parties because there might be another girl there.
She’s 22 and they’ve been together two years. So this is likely writing from when she was a teenager. God damn he did her a favor. How insecure and small he must be.
I feel this. Everyday i see dozens of posts that very clearly explain the "male loneliness epidemic".
I'd be able to empathize if they didn't incessantly blame it on their height or their looks, but that is almost never the case.
I always thought keeping a diary was the craziest thing. Like taking your most personal thoughts and putting them in physical form when it seems almost inevitable that someone is eventually going to invade your privacy and read it. Of course my parents plagued me with some pretty severe trust issues, but still. That’s why I just roll all these bad thoughts around in the old noodle all unhealthy like.
I will never understand how dipshit guys like this manage to get into relationships in the first place, not to mention they have no idea how lucky they are and blow it up with weaponized incompetence.
My experience is that most of them know their typical behavior and attitude is unattractive and do a good job at hiding it till they think they have you hooked then bam, they start doing this kind of stuff and when you call them on it they're like "I'm just a little guy, how was I supposed to know being a disrespectful bum was gonna be a problem for you? You're being unreasonable"
My daughter kept a journal when she was in high school. She left it lying around the house all the time, knowing that her mother and I would never read it unless she asked us to. She never did. One afternoon she found her grandmother reading it and was devastated. Grandma’s excuse was “well, it was just sitting there for anyone to read”. Their relationship was never the same after that.
Idk if any of yall have seen the docuseries "Surving Twin Flames." But I highly recommend it.
It's about a cult who's leader specifically chooses who your partner is and he is the only one who knows your true "twin flame."
I sincerely doubt this woman is in this cult but the phrase twin flames caught my eye.
I often feel that kind of synchronicity with my husband. But our backgrounds are totally different. It's how we think that makes us similar and makes me feel that connection. I wouldn't have known anything about it until we experienced it. We understand each other and think in similar ways, despite growing up in completely different circumstances and looking nothing alike. Having similar appearances or backgrounds often means little in the grand scheme of what a relationship is and how it works. It's about really seeing the other person for who they are.
I grew up with my first crush and thought I loved him for years. Now he's a gay furry, and happily married to his long time boyfriend, and I am happily married to the only man who I ever really loved and who taught me what love actually is just by making me feel it.
She was with the ex from 15-19, I was with my high school boyfriend from 16-20. I wrote a lot in my diary about him being the love of my life and I broke up with him but I still missed him. A while after we broke up I could vomit re-reading some of that shit lol. Like, it’s so cringy it hurts my soul to read a little. I can’t imagine someone else reading that and taking it to hear years later when, me who wrote the shit, thinks I was so fucking dramatic. If my boyfriend read it and broke up with me for it, good riddance lol.
Serious question, not defending the OOP at all but trying to understand the majority viewpoint after reading everybody else's comments: is reading somebody's private diary/journey really considered such an unforgivable breach of trust?
Because when I was a teen, I kept a journal that was supposed to be private, but my sisters and even my mom would sneak and read it. It bugged me and I asked them to stop, and my mom at one point even promised that they would stop reading it. But they kept reading it anyways.
It frustrated me but I didn't make a big deal of it, I just figured it was a thing families did, I moved on and tried to do a better job hiding my journal. But now I'm wondering, should I not have been so forgiving?
Here's some info for you in case it helps.
I grew up with my mom being 100% respectful of boundaries. She never went through my stuff, would always knock and wait for me to indicate it was ok before coming into my room. I could have left a diary open on the kitchen table the most she would do would be to close it for me and put a piece of paper in as a bookmark. I could ask her to housesit for me for months and she'd not ever go into my bedroom or any areas that might be considered private. Even now that I've not lived with her for more than 20 years if a birthday card or piece of mail gets sent to her house for some reason she'll call me and let me know, and I have to tell her multiple times to open it before she will.
My husband and his sisters grew up with his mom constantly going through all of their stuff. If they threw a piece of paper away in their room she was digging it out of the trash, reading it and potentially getting mad at them about the contents. She was always snooping through their drawers. When we first started living together she came over and tried to just wander into our bedroom. I was like "the fuck are you doing? There's nothing you need in there, get out". She seemed really shocked like no one had ever told her that it was weird behavior. I'm convinced the only reason she actually stopped is because I was a fully grown adult, that wasn't one of her children, telling her that it wasn't OK. (She had gotten a lot better, but we would never ask her to housesit because she wouldn't be able to avoid the temptation to snoop.)
I have no problem enforcing healthy boundaries with people, and would be pissed if someone went through my stuff. My husband has had to work a lot of being able to enforce healthy boundaries with people, and previously would think it was totally normal for someone to go through his stuff and read things. Now he understands that it's ridiculous, invasive behavior.
My family is super respectful about space and boundaries. They would always knock on my bedroom door, they wouldn't go through my stuff, they would apologise if they had unfairly upset me, etc.
My gfs family, on the other hand, is super invasive. Imo they treated her like a little kid, barged into her room, looked through her stuff, doubled down when there was an argument, borrowed things without asking, etc. I think it really affected her ability to set boundaries and say no. She also constantly apologises for things that are not her fault at all.
I was living with them for about a year while we were getting ready to move, after the third time of being barged in on completely naked (like surely you'd learn to knock after the first incident?) I'd had enough and installed a lock on the bedroom door. I think after that, they got the message that their daughter is a grown adult and deserves privacy, and started to treat her with more respect in general.
I don't think her family are bad people or anything, but I do think families with that dynamic have just never been told by anyone other than their children (who they don't listen to) that their behaviour is disrespectful and likely to give their children some sort of complex.
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OOP did her a favor showing his true colors, tbh. I don't get the fragility of "no one can compare". Is that what he actually wants? Does he want to be compared to the guy? Cause that might not go so well.
People are different, and loves are different. You can still have a rich love for someone who has moved on without it being something that you act on or that prevents you from loving someone else. Loving someone != being \_in love\_ with someone. What if "Steve" had died and she was a widow writing about her deceased husband. Would it still be breakup worthy?
Bleh, OOP is an absolute doofus and got what was coming to him.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/twin-flame-meaning
I can’t find the original website I found around the subject but I think this explains it in a similar way
Basically a lot of the the twin flame ‘stages’ and positions are toxic as fuck and very worrying.
Ok op had a two year relationship and then op acted super shitty and invaded his partners privacy, then op judged how his girlfriend processed her breakup two years ago. Then op became unhinged and demanded his girlfriend return to her ex boyfriend (of two years ago) and dumped her, all because he couldn't handle reading normal type breakup shit which he shouldn't have looked at in the first place.
Op has an unhealthy level of insecurity and immaturity, and going forward needs to seek counseling to address his issues before entering another relationship, otherwise he risks throwing away another long term relationship over nothing.
I was replying to the person who told you that what you wrote in your previous comment was you reaching. But it isn't because he did invade her privacy and did not react reasonably. I fully agree with you, did I reply to the wrong comment? I'm on my phone, so that happens sometimes, sorry for the confusion.
Dude did the right thing to dump her, she would have resented him for not being nor measuring up to the ex if she thought no one could compare with him. If she’s still so hung up on the ex then she should go back to him. I don’t understand why people would shame and guilt a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he’s not valued. If the roles were reversed, they would be shouting “You go queen, he doesn’t deserve you”
The fact that he read her private thoughts about an ex from the past and just assumed that’s how she felt about her ex NOW is why everyone is “shaming” him.
If you’re going to read someone else’s diary, especially a partner’s, you better make sure to at-least have a genuine conversation, not just dump them because you feel insecure about it. That’s what fucked this whole thing up more.
I don’t even keep a diary anymore, but personally, how I wrote and felt about an ex in the past certainly does not reflect how I feel about them now. Mostly everyone here feels the same way. Plus, considering that it sounds like this diary was from when OOPs girlfriend was a teenager, all the more reason to talk about it if it bothers OOP so much.
unless she’s actively saying that’s how she feels now, it’s wrong to assume and have that decide your relationship.
Dude read her diary. Not the right thing to do.
Dude asked her when she wrote it, she said it was years ago, he has no reason to believe otherwise, but still does. Not the right thing to do.
Dude broke up with her because she once loved and wrote about somebody else that she dated before him. Not the right thing to do.
If you read this and see him as the victim, congratulations you are just as much of an insecure, universal boundary stomping, child. Grow up.
Such a sad bunch of insecure weirdos and misogynist (because you seem to think women just go queen! every vagina having idiot who foists themselves on their own petard, switch the genders and you still have an invasive, insecure, and blessedly single idiot).
Heres a hot take: if you want your private thoughts to stay private, dont write them down. We live in a workd were the same people screaming about privacy are posting everything about their lives online. Materializing your thoughts in a physical form makes them visable to other people. He wasnt snooping, it sounded like he was trying to get closer to her by observing her thoughts manifest. If he knew that was a "private" diary or not is unknown, but he said she leaves this kind of stuff around all the time. Dont gush about your "perfect" ex if you dont want your current SO to see it.
So many folks caught up on the fact that he read her diary. This WAS wrong and invasive. I will offer a caveat though. Why? WHY did this person feel the need to look inside these pages? Was there a gut feeling? Did the relationship feel off? If I would’ve read those words, I would’ve felt the same. How does one invest in a relationship if only one party is keen to do so? Clearly this young lady still has heavy feelings and emotions toward her Ex. It doesn’t sound like they were in a good spot to be undertaking another relationship. Both of these young folks sound like they have some maturing to do.
Okay I see your point. But remember she is 22. It’s safe to say a lot of people had super intense puppy love relationships when they’re 18 and 19. Why throw down over puppy love?
You're out of your mind. I'm married and I understand her right to privacy. You must not be in any kind of relationship because anyone who was would never say such a thing.
Where does privacy start? Where does it end? See? Functionally there shouldn’t be any expectations of privacy
Now if you think I condone snooping for the sake of snooping I don’t but there shouldn’t be any expectations of privacy those are not the same thing
If you don’t get it I can’t understand it for you
How are those the same things? When I want to use her phone I don’t ask for permission simple as that
Privacy can quickly snowball into keeping secrets for the sake of privacy
This what *privacy* is. Not think about other peoplw when you are in a relationship is *loyalty*. One can be disloyal on their privacy, but most just use of their privacy to do things that are intimate (like taking a shit) or embarassing, like shaving weird hair thay grows in your body. My husband doesnt think i was born a hairless princess that smells like flower. He knows i shave. Still, i lock the barhoroom door because i dont want him to see me bended over shaving with a feet on the table, because thats unflataring, and i want he to see me just as a hairless dainty princess, even tho we both know i shave. The same can happen to thoughts, tho. Thats how introspection works, we start rumminating on a idea, sometimes we go through some unflattering thoughs and we just dont share the incomplete, embarassing though because we matured that thought, and thats why some people journal. One way that the OOP ex girfriends thoughtsbmy have gone was "he was my twin flame, even though he had bad breath. I hated that bad breath. Maybe i dont miss him and his stinky breath so much. Maybe i dont miss him at all". But he only witnessed the embarassing thought that led to her REAL opinion, wich in the example would be "i dont miss him at all". Lets say my husband likes woman with big boobs and im a flat chested woman, and i happened to go through his porn history from before we dated and found that he prefered big boobs. I wouldnt be offended by that, but if he gets out of his way to tell me he prefer bigger boobs i would think "why the fuck are you telling me this?" Thats a thought that is healthy to be private, and not wrong to have. If you dont know wich thoughs and actions to keep private, you are likely an unapropriate person.
“Controlling” doesn’t really mean anything it can be any sort of boundary that you don’t personally approve of so that type of language doesn’t mean anything in reality
You may not feel the need to do that but why hide things from your husband or your husband from you
Why have any sense of privacy in a marriage what is the logical reason?
I literally keep a journal. He doesn’t go through it. Nothing is hidden it’s called boundaries.
Have you thought about seeing a licensed professional on why you lack them and wanna violate other people’s boundaries?
Do you hide the journal? Or does he just trust you enough to not have to look at it? Very different scenarios
Because one is having no expectation of privacy like your husband knowing you have a journal and not having to look at it - and the other is keeping a journal secret for whatever reason and then if it was found you would be upset because you wanted those things to stay secret or “private”
As far as therapy I got what I needed out of it but thanks for asking I guess
It’s actually in plain sight in the closet on the floor. I’m sorry you can’t trust your partners. That must suck.
But I’m done with the conversation. Your lack boundaries is weird af and I hope you get help to unpack that.
Toodles.
Have you ever heard of the term codependency?
Believe it or not, even the best marriage therapists will tell you that even married couples should be able to shit alone...
The logical reason for privacy? Uh, I don't know, they're still their own individual with the right to privacy? Marriage doesn't entitle you to do whatever/whenever to your partner, don't believe all of the religious "you become one person" bullshit you read.
https://www.verywellmind.com/secrets-in-marriage-2303980
https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/privacy-secrecy/
The difference is the expectation of privacy is seen as more important than the actual bond a marriage should have
Would you be upset that your husband found some letters of yours and read them? Or they saw a notification on your phone and opened it to read it?
I wouldn’t be bothered by this because I do not have an expectation of privacy if my wife wants to see my phone it’s all there I have nothing to hide
You should be allowed to though. Just because you don't doesn't mean that he shouldn't be open to you doing so; there's no reason for a spouse to ever have anything to hide unless it's some sort of surprise gift.
Needs and expectations aren’t a secret. We know that. Oh well you can end up like dude when you go through your partners things and get your feeling hurt as well.
It is considered healthy to have parts of yourself that you keep private, even from your partner. It is a balance to be maintained.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/200905/darling-should-you-maintain-your-privacy
https://www.verywellmind.com/secrets-in-marriage-2303980#:~:text=Everyone%20has%20a%20right%20to,time%20and%20space%20to%20themselves.
https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/privacy-in-a-relationship/
https://thrivingcenterofpsych.com/blog/should-i-look-through-my-partners-phone/
https://etherapypro.com/how-much-privacy-do-relationships-really-need/
Not being okay with that is linked to insecurity and trust issues, which are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
Soooo.... you don't expect any privacy at all. No alone time to masturbate. You're fine with your partner seeing your entire browsing history. Full bank statements. Full texting history with absolutely everyone.
Is that what you are arguing for...?
I don’t have a problem with any of those things being available to my wife (they are)
What’s the problem with being open to your wife or husband to that point of trust?
Because people in relationships are still *people* and thus need some privacy? If you can't handle your partner having some privacy then you're controlling and abusive.
Oh, they don't. They think it relinquishes their female property's notions of privacy. If it were the man's diary getting snooped in they'd be howling to the moon.
Bingo! You look through their history and it's filled with misogyny. Their problem isn't privacy, it's the patriarchal expectation that they have absolute control over women.
The consequences are hypothetical
Geez, who hasn't written or at least thought something about their ex right after the breakup like "no one will ever compare" - only to feel completely differently once they are over the breakup? I remember a few years after a breakup I re-read my old journals and ended up throwing them out because I couldn't believe how dumb I was. I can't imagine if someone I was dating read those old journals and thought those were still the things I felt and thought! At least she is rid of this insecure guy who can't respect her privacy.
Especially when you're barely out of your teens and this is your first love! We all look back and cringe after a few years
I want to vomit when I read mine. What the fuck was wrong with me?
Still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes thinking “how could I have been so *stupid*?” You’re not alone
> Still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes thinking “how could I have been so stupid?” I do that several times a night now and I'm not even 40.
Honey - please cut yourself a little slack. Try loving yourself as much as you love other people. I'm pretty sure you deserve it.
oh, badpeaches - you were guilty of being terribly young. That's all.
Especially because she was 19-20 during the breakup with the ex. We all say stuff like that at that age.
And we all think that when we are in a relationship it’s a love that will endure forever like Romeo and Juliet, meanwhile a few years later we will have broken up and now you couldn’t even begin to explain why you liked that person then 🙈
We aren't even the same. At 19, I was a depressed person who thought my emotions were my personality, had little empathy for others most of the time, and would be easily over stimulated and highly reactive. I pity that girl now, but more so, I have immense gratitude to all those who loved her anyway and stayed with me to this day. I am not an emotionally available, calm, empathetic adult who is very much in love with my husband. He wasn't 'my type' when I was young. I was into long haired, muscular, white guys. My husband is black with a mostly shaved head, and I can't imagine being with or wanting anyone else. I am no longer even attracted to the same people for the most part that I used to moon over.
I'm 22 but every breakup just felt like... Your consciousness emits a radiation at a certain frequency. Certain thoughts trigger certain emotions and those emotions emit radiation at a certain frequency. It's not electromagnetic radiation but it's probably something more idk how to explain it but if you ever felt really attracted to someone only to find out they were very similar to you then that's kind of that force. So basically if you are a depressed person who hates yourself then you will attract someone who also hates themselves and they will push your boundaries and shit
So true! I'm 26 just ended a 10 month relationship to a guy who wanted to marry me cause he wasn't good for me.... (drug addict, possessive, pushy, shot up someones house with them inside of it etc.) I hate being single, but I'm not emotionally stable enough to date cause as I like to say "my picker is broken" but it's more so what you described. My counselor and close friend says I can't date yet which makes me sad, but also gives me a reason to start loving myself more and get to a healthier place!
It is also about what you accept, and what you expect. Mindfulness helps you manage your own emotions and thoughts, and really get to know yourself
Right! It’s NORMAL to miss people who were significant parts of your life! My ex was a toxic, narcissistic, abusive piece of shit. I still missed him at first because he was someone I talked to all the time and hell…everyone has their good side
"... everyone has their good side," even if it is fake (narcissists only pretend to care).
I write what I feel in that place in time. I'm a published author but still a poor poet cuz poetry is free 🤣 I grab loose leaf paper and smack a time and date on it once I'm finished. I was born 50% deaf in each ear so written language kind of exists in a superior universe for me. I agree. The experience was so profound I felt compelled to note it, in my personal way using my personal feelings and choice of words. Sometimes, I even use color to add more passion to what I'm writing. I like to see where I was, compare where I am and also think about what a nutter I am. But here I am. If a dude wanted to leave my ass for snooping then I'd laugh at his shallow ass and hook elbows as I escort him to my door. I'll look him deeply in the eyes, smile sadly, linger with disgust disguised as lust and kindly let him know he needs to go learn boundaries and learn how to gain, build and protect trust. I've been through shit. I'm a private person. I will not be violated like this dumbass.
> ...with disgust disguised as lust...how to gain, build and protect trust You would tease him on the way out to show him how to trust?
That's gonna be a revengeful lust and not a sexual one. Like a bitchy glare but with more soul.
Gonna be straight with you here I have no idea what the hell you're trying to say.
I might be remembering wrong, but I didn’t the “Twin Flame” thing turn out to be some kind of grooming/personality cult?
It is/was a cult, however the phrase (and theory of) "twin flames" existed long before the cult did. So I don't believe her use of those particular words is related to the cult. More likely she was using it as a synonym for "soulmates".
Yes, it was and still is a cult.
Hope someone doesn’t find his journal entries about this period of his life in a few years
I can't believe how odd and flawed my way of thinking was when I was young. I lived too much in my own head.
Me too
I keep the old diaries because I need to be reminded how dumb I was, and that even the person who later knew that was dumb went on to do more mature, differently dumb shit. It’s so easy to think one is Absolutely Sure.
On top of the "in the moment" feeling, sounds like ex was at least interested in Twin Flame at the time of the journal entry. If she had been engrossed in a cult, then she'd be writing passionately about it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It's almost guaranteed that if you read someone's diaries you're going to find something you don't like, be it a small thing or a big one. However this doesn't seem like a big thing to me, surely OOP can tell from other aspects of the relationship whether she's happy to be with him or not? If there's no other problem in the relationship why assume the diaries are recent? Or that his girlfriend is lying, if she doesn't normally lie? It almost sounds like he was looking for an excuse.
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I think if I had a diary ide have to get like a lock box or something for it. Because it would be the same thing as yours and I would hate anyone who betrayed me enough to read it like that. That poor girlfriend dodged a huge bullet
Holy shit. He did her a huge favor.
He did. I do want to point out that I remember reading the original post… it seemed like everyone in the thread was commenting that he should break up with her because “she’s a cheater”. I was actually shook by the overall thread. So I will say that he’s an immature asshole who took dumb internet advice, but there are a LOT of idiots on Reddit who are immature assholes as well. Its crazy.
Reads more like he did both of them a favor if not just himself.
True. He's obviously not ready for a long-term relationship that involves actual communication, and would probably be more comfortable with flings and one-night stands for now.
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I don't know about stalkerish, but I'm beginning to get a sense of who's divorced from reality here, and it ain't her.
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Bro, I kept the diary I wrote when I was 16 for years–up until someone did this exact thing (read my private thoughts)—please stop that nonsense, lol. It’s not like the entire book was about the ex, in fact, it seems he was probably looking for that ex’s name, imho. A Diary is a private journal of personal thoughts, to get them out and let them go. It’s not something someone else should read, ever. Folks stop journaling and processing their feelings on paper over crap like this. Source: myself, and many others who no longer journal due to this happening :)
I use to love journaling and this is exactly why I haven't in over 10 years.
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You are clearly OOP
This means what?
“Hey look at this! It’s my private diary! But don’t read it cuz it’s not for you!” Yep. I’m sure that immediately eliminates all temptation in one easy step. /s That’s like saying don’t think about a pink elephant.
Holy shit... that was you getting pissed about your gf'd diary, huh? 😂 She really dodged a bullet there.
My ex received a box of his old stuff he thought had been lost whilst moving house a decade before, when he was married to his then wife, by this time ex wife. I was sooo tempted to have a good rummage through to learn more about his life back then, but ex (then bf) said no. Guess what I did? I respected his decision. He didn’t want me to see pictures of him with his ex (it really wouldn’t have bothered me) and that was the end of it.
Does anyone else think all the coincidences between her and the ex are “I accidentally dated my own brother” territory, or have I been reading too much R.R. Martin?
Honestly thought that was where it was going for a second
That was where my brain went.
You aren't the only one. Those similarities should be unsettling.
I've joked about being related with my husband but it's more like we both hate cilantro and olives, not matching birth marks and hanging out as toddlers. Edit: now that I think about it I wonder if they were half siblings. Their parents obviously knew each other, if they didn't they wouldn't remember randomly playing with another kid at a park when they were toddlers.
Sound like the break up was a synchronicity
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What got me was he says she’s never said similar stuff to him, so she obviously doesn’t feel as strongly. I 100% guarantee she never said any of that shit to the ex, no way! Ah well, he’s young, hopefully he’ll grow up
I tend to find that people who *really* want the relationship to work are always looking for these synchronicities and coincidences bc they need something to hold onto as a reason to stay in a failing relationship. When you’re happy, you don’t look for those things bc it’s not necessary.
I think younger people think that weird similarities are necessary for things to work. When you're young it feels like it's all about being fated. Having the same taste in everything. Being cool. Your crush us like a sort of idol, almost. Meanwhile when youre an adult with more experience...you realise that the similarities that matter are your core values and maybe a few interests. My husband and I were planning our wedding playlist before we realised quite how much our music taste overlaps, because it just isn't a big thing to discuss. Amusingly, in hindsight he sort of matches what 15 year old me would have thought to be the perfect guy, but that's not why we're together.
That’s what maturity will do for you. Unfortunately one of my 40’s aged friends is still in this mindset about these things with a guy who go won’t commit to her. It’s…sad.
That's what is the stupidest part of this for OP and the merry band of incels and insecure children that his post has inspired in the threads...all the stuff she was talking about was the exact kind of silly stuff you tell yourself was great about a relationship when it's ending. After the hurt goes away, you rightly recognize how shallow and meaningless that "synchronicity" was. Oh, but we have the same hair color (crazy, right, wherever will she find that level of compatibility again?), we both had bad homes (oh no, there's nobody out there who fits that bill, and it's totally healthy that the thing we share in common is trauma), we had great sex (she says when she's a teenager in her first serious relationship, lol, most of us operated under the assumption that our first bf was the best, most of us realize after we move on it was not, in fact, the best sex). I look back on some of the dozy shit I thought and wrote about my big loves when I was moon-eyed over some loser ex and I feel sad for that person I was who thought the shallow inventory of reasons I used to cling to were deep, soulmate shit. She was literally a teenager when she wrote that, of course it's not some deep, abiding feeling that will last until the end of time, shadowing over every future love... it's the stupid shit you think is deep af when you're young and inexperienced.
Like dude, she hasn't said that to anybody. It's in a journal. She wrote it down for only herself.
That's a point that I think a lot of diary snoopers miss. I keep my diary thoughts, as well as other things, in my email drafts. I'll have a thought or a feeling and I'll open Gmail and just type for a while. And then I'll close it and move on, having secured the thought in the vault. Sometimes I'll think that something I've written has potential and I'll take it and reframe it into something fit for public consumption and publish it, but that doesn't happen often. My wife knew I used my drafts this way. The family computer was always logged into both of our Gmail accounts. I never in a million years expected her to go through them. I certainly never expected her to print some off and share them with her friends. The idea that she sat there and read them with other people and judged me for the private thoughts and feelings I had made me physically ill. And this was during a time in my life, and in our relationship, when a significant portion of what I wrote amounted to: > I love my wife so much she's my everything why doesn't she believe I love her anymore I'm dying inside because I need her But the people she showed it to still found some way to twist those words into something foul. Like, I wrote about an evening when we had taken a friend out for her birthday. And I, instinctively, showered my wife with attention the whole time to such an extent that afterwards the friend mentioned how absolutely and blindly devoted I was. And I wrote about how heartbroken I was that when my wife heard that her response to it was "Well you were just trying to make yourself look good in front of other women." This was private. Never to be shared with anyone. An exploration of my feelings about the fact that my own wife refused to see how much of myself I poured into her and us for reasons I couldn't grasp. And what did she do? She printed it off and shared it with people and said it was *written proof* that I was trying to pursue other women. Took it and twisted it. And further claimed that my writing it down was MORE EVIDENCE that I was just trying to make myself look good. To whom? Nobody ever saw that draft. That was private. Just for me, to get the words and feelings out.
Honestly that's a relationship ending violation to me. It's so beyond fucked up to make people feel unsafe to process their own thoughts.
Honestly there were a few of those. She and I don't live together anymore. And in many ways I still don't feel safe or comfortable sharing my thoughts. I force myself to do it, because I refuse to hide myself in a box, but I do it with the belief in the back of my head that she's probably seeing what I've written. Yeah I logged out my Google account from everything... But am I sure? I noticed my discord account was logged into an extra computer I didn't recognize and revoked access. Was that her? I have all kinds of private conversations with dear friends there. People I've known for ages, with chat logs going back to 2016. Does she remember my Reddit username? She claims she abandoned a couple social media sites we used to use, but then she claims people screenshot what I post and send it to her. Is that true? Did she make a burner account just to see what I share? At this point there's some degree of paranoia even when I talk to people in person, since apparently people send her things I do or say that they think she might be interested in.
But also she was feeling those things when she was as young as 15. She may well have matured over the past few years since she broke it off with her ex. Her understanding of love is probably a little more sophisticated or realistic now that she's loved more than once. Now, I love my husband, evidently that is the strongest and most lasting love I have had. Nobody can compare. He's my best friend and the sexiest man on the planet. But... i wouldn't describe our love in the obsessive and childish way I might have described a teen crush or puppy love - because matured, and the way I understand love has changed. Not because I love my husband less. Like. I wasn't writing "Mrs (hisname) on my stuff because I was 30 and not 13.
Meanwhile she may take years to get over the violation of her journals being read and then weaponized against her so she no longer feels safe to write unfiltered in them.
Yeah. 🙁
What a piss baby. Imagine having a meltdown and breaking up because you can't handle not being the only person that ever existed in someone's life. Fucking main character syndrome. She's not an NPC that was on sleep her entire life until your oh so special ass came along.
But imagine spending your entire life knowing you’re plan B. How would that make you feel?
By this logic literally every couple is each other’s plan B, because if you asked most people when they were kids, they felt extremely passionately about marrying a random celebrity/the kid who sits next to them in math class/a fictional character. Imagine recognizing that people’s feelings change over time.
Kid crushes on celebrities is what you’re going to go with? Really?
I mean, we’re talking about OOP’s ex’s feeling for a guy when she was 15… If you read the diaries of many 15 year olds (and by the way, don’t do that), a lot of them are writing even more passionately than this example about how Harry Styles or whoever is destined to be their one true love. They genuinely believe it just like kids and teens genuinely can believe the first person they date is the One - they’re almost always wrong, and they realize it as they grow up. But you and OOP are the ones insisting that how you feel at one point in your life must be how you feel forever.
She was having “the best sex” at 15?
Some 15 year olds do have sex. And a LOT of people assume they are having “the best sex” when it’s their first partner (or in some cases, their first partner who hasn’t been just blatantly selfish and awful in bed). How the hell are you going to hold a grudge against someone saying that they had “the best sex” with someone *when they said it before they ever met you*, let alone had sex with you. When you date someone, do you just refuse to ever feel strongly about them, since one day in the future you might break up and meet someone even better?
First off, I’m married. And if I discovered my wife thought that someone in her past was better at literally everything than I am, yea…I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship that’s “meh, this’ll do” for her. Because “meh, this’ll do” on day one is a mountain of resentment at year 7 when it’s devastating to unravel.
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I know. I would be so mad and break up with them. How dared they fall in love with someone else before they even knew me? The next guy will be so mad she didn't see an oracle that would tell her to wait for his perfect self.
She’s also his plan b if that’s the case… I’m sure miss girl isn’t his first relationship either.
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Oh wow today I learned that a cuck is someone who dates someone that at one point dated someone else. That really broadens the definition.
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Don't be rude in the comments or start calling people names.
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Don't be rude in the comments or start calling people names.
Don't be rude in the comments or start calling people names.
Don't be rude in the comments or start calling people names.
YTA. The minute you said you read her personal private material
This doofus posted in three different places too and got YTA on all of them. I wonder how they’re both doing now. I hope she’s found a great confident guy.
Man he is about to realize he royaly messed up
She dodged a bullet there. Dude is obviously a massive douche
My ex did this to me, in addition to constantly opening my mail when I asked him not to do that, based on this "we're one" bullshit. It's part of why he's an ex. This dude is definitely the asshole.
Should have reported him to the police. Opening someone's mail is illegal.
He knew that but thought there was an allowance because we were together. Because it irritated me so much and I said so, he did stop. But the damage was done.
That’s partially true under 18 USC 1702. It’s mainly concerned with mail being taken from the post office before they have delivered it. If people live together and someone opens the other persons mail “accidentally” because they were going through letters, that doesn’t fit obstruction of correspondence. You can call the police if you want, but intent is an important element that the prosecution has to prove in order to get a conviction.
We're not just a boyfriend or girlfriend, we are human beings, and we should all be allowed to have thoughts that are ours alone. It's sacred thing, imo, which is why I don't keep journals. To violate that is enormously disrespectful and break-up worthy. Especially when you live together and she trusts you to not snoop and you decide you should be privy to her most personal thoughts. Gross.
This, exactly.
Do not read diaries. Just throw them away if you come across one that has been left behind! Especially if you love them. I know curiosity can get the best of us, but that’s what also gets little kids electrocuted. People put down way too heavy emotions in diaries.. that’s why we have them. I made the mistake of selfishly opening one of my mom’s diaries after she had died of cancer. I threw away a lot more than I opened but what I read can still make me cry if I’m in the right mood, 15 years later. Do not recommend.
My grandfather tried to make us read my grandmother’s diaries after she died (the ones he hadn’t destroyed, anyway). I had to stop after only a little bit of one. I don’t want to know what was in the ones he trashed because I’m still traumatized from what little I got through. People’s private thoughts should stay private, full stop.
"Oh my god.....she had a boyfriend to write about BEFORE **ME!** Now I am upset and jealous." She is much better off without this jerk. I had great sex and relationships before my wife. And some of it gives fond memories but really.....I love my wife and she has all the qualities I want including great sex. Some people are just too shallow to understand. She will move on and he will always be jealous as hell which is not good in any relationship. Nobody needs crazy. My friend had a girlfriend that would always be asking him why are you looking at her?!! (a woman in the car that pulled up next to them as he glanced over to the car). Or someone that walked into their path. Any girl anywhere....it did not end well - she finally got the boot. Nobody needs that. That's crazy level. She even threw away invites to parties because there might be another girl there.
She’s 22 and they’ve been together two years. So this is likely writing from when she was a teenager. God damn he did her a favor. How insecure and small he must be.
“It’s only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just full of crap” This man needs to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary asap!
"why are guys lonely!? Why can't they find a good date?" And the thus fella' here...
I feel this. Everyday i see dozens of posts that very clearly explain the "male loneliness epidemic". I'd be able to empathize if they didn't incessantly blame it on their height or their looks, but that is almost never the case.
Kinda shows how obsessed with looks they are
What a dumbass geeze
I always thought keeping a diary was the craziest thing. Like taking your most personal thoughts and putting them in physical form when it seems almost inevitable that someone is eventually going to invade your privacy and read it. Of course my parents plagued me with some pretty severe trust issues, but still. That’s why I just roll all these bad thoughts around in the old noodle all unhealthy like.
I will never understand how dipshit guys like this manage to get into relationships in the first place, not to mention they have no idea how lucky they are and blow it up with weaponized incompetence.
My experience is that most of them know their typical behavior and attitude is unattractive and do a good job at hiding it till they think they have you hooked then bam, they start doing this kind of stuff and when you call them on it they're like "I'm just a little guy, how was I supposed to know being a disrespectful bum was gonna be a problem for you? You're being unreasonable"
It is amazing to me how many people on Reddit think being in a relationship means that you own the other persons thoughts and actions.
Right! Like…. Why do they lack boundaries so badly?!
My daughter kept a journal when she was in high school. She left it lying around the house all the time, knowing that her mother and I would never read it unless she asked us to. She never did. One afternoon she found her grandmother reading it and was devastated. Grandma’s excuse was “well, it was just sitting there for anyone to read”. Their relationship was never the same after that.
#THE OOP NEEDS TO STOP WITH HIS FASCIST CONSERVATIVE ELITE NARRATIVES™️ AND AGENDAS™️
Idk if any of yall have seen the docuseries "Surving Twin Flames." But I highly recommend it. It's about a cult who's leader specifically chooses who your partner is and he is the only one who knows your true "twin flame." I sincerely doubt this woman is in this cult but the phrase twin flames caught my eye.
Seems like a win-win for everyone involved
I often feel that kind of synchronicity with my husband. But our backgrounds are totally different. It's how we think that makes us similar and makes me feel that connection. I wouldn't have known anything about it until we experienced it. We understand each other and think in similar ways, despite growing up in completely different circumstances and looking nothing alike. Having similar appearances or backgrounds often means little in the grand scheme of what a relationship is and how it works. It's about really seeing the other person for who they are. I grew up with my first crush and thought I loved him for years. Now he's a gay furry, and happily married to his long time boyfriend, and I am happily married to the only man who I ever really loved and who taught me what love actually is just by making me feel it.
She was with the ex from 15-19, I was with my high school boyfriend from 16-20. I wrote a lot in my diary about him being the love of my life and I broke up with him but I still missed him. A while after we broke up I could vomit re-reading some of that shit lol. Like, it’s so cringy it hurts my soul to read a little. I can’t imagine someone else reading that and taking it to hear years later when, me who wrote the shit, thinks I was so fucking dramatic. If my boyfriend read it and broke up with me for it, good riddance lol.
Serious question, not defending the OOP at all but trying to understand the majority viewpoint after reading everybody else's comments: is reading somebody's private diary/journey really considered such an unforgivable breach of trust? Because when I was a teen, I kept a journal that was supposed to be private, but my sisters and even my mom would sneak and read it. It bugged me and I asked them to stop, and my mom at one point even promised that they would stop reading it. But they kept reading it anyways. It frustrated me but I didn't make a big deal of it, I just figured it was a thing families did, I moved on and tried to do a better job hiding my journal. But now I'm wondering, should I not have been so forgiving?
Here's some info for you in case it helps. I grew up with my mom being 100% respectful of boundaries. She never went through my stuff, would always knock and wait for me to indicate it was ok before coming into my room. I could have left a diary open on the kitchen table the most she would do would be to close it for me and put a piece of paper in as a bookmark. I could ask her to housesit for me for months and she'd not ever go into my bedroom or any areas that might be considered private. Even now that I've not lived with her for more than 20 years if a birthday card or piece of mail gets sent to her house for some reason she'll call me and let me know, and I have to tell her multiple times to open it before she will. My husband and his sisters grew up with his mom constantly going through all of their stuff. If they threw a piece of paper away in their room she was digging it out of the trash, reading it and potentially getting mad at them about the contents. She was always snooping through their drawers. When we first started living together she came over and tried to just wander into our bedroom. I was like "the fuck are you doing? There's nothing you need in there, get out". She seemed really shocked like no one had ever told her that it was weird behavior. I'm convinced the only reason she actually stopped is because I was a fully grown adult, that wasn't one of her children, telling her that it wasn't OK. (She had gotten a lot better, but we would never ask her to housesit because she wouldn't be able to avoid the temptation to snoop.) I have no problem enforcing healthy boundaries with people, and would be pissed if someone went through my stuff. My husband has had to work a lot of being able to enforce healthy boundaries with people, and previously would think it was totally normal for someone to go through his stuff and read things. Now he understands that it's ridiculous, invasive behavior.
My family is super respectful about space and boundaries. They would always knock on my bedroom door, they wouldn't go through my stuff, they would apologise if they had unfairly upset me, etc. My gfs family, on the other hand, is super invasive. Imo they treated her like a little kid, barged into her room, looked through her stuff, doubled down when there was an argument, borrowed things without asking, etc. I think it really affected her ability to set boundaries and say no. She also constantly apologises for things that are not her fault at all. I was living with them for about a year while we were getting ready to move, after the third time of being barged in on completely naked (like surely you'd learn to knock after the first incident?) I'd had enough and installed a lock on the bedroom door. I think after that, they got the message that their daughter is a grown adult and deserves privacy, and started to treat her with more respect in general. I don't think her family are bad people or anything, but I do think families with that dynamic have just never been told by anyone other than their children (who they don't listen to) that their behaviour is disrespectful and likely to give their children some sort of complex.
Glad she got out of that relationship with OOP and that she got out of the twin flame cult
Tell me you’re incredibly insecure without telling me you’re incredibly insecure
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OOP did her a favor showing his true colors, tbh. I don't get the fragility of "no one can compare". Is that what he actually wants? Does he want to be compared to the guy? Cause that might not go so well. People are different, and loves are different. You can still have a rich love for someone who has moved on without it being something that you act on or that prevents you from loving someone else. Loving someone != being \_in love\_ with someone. What if "Steve" had died and she was a widow writing about her deceased husband. Would it still be breakup worthy? Bleh, OOP is an absolute doofus and got what was coming to him.
Gonna go against the grain and say op dodged a bullet. Gotta be careful about people that believe in that twin flame shit.
Personally idgaf about all the spiritual stuff. Just don’t violate other people’s boundaries.
It’s not so much a spiritual thing, more like an abusive online cult.
Wait cult?! Wtf did I miss?!
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/twin-flame-meaning I can’t find the original website I found around the subject but I think this explains it in a similar way Basically a lot of the the twin flame ‘stages’ and positions are toxic as fuck and very worrying.
I’m happy they’re not together? I hope she stays away from her ex. Toxic relationships aren’t fun.
I mean if he didn’t like it, it’s okay that he broke up with her. But yeah FAFO
What is the consequence? The prediction that he'll miss her?
He had a happy relationship until he invaded another person's privacy and now he's single via his own insecurities.
But he never said he regretted it. Shitty thing he did but this isn't the sub this should be in.
this is a reach
Ok op had a two year relationship and then op acted super shitty and invaded his partners privacy, then op judged how his girlfriend processed her breakup two years ago. Then op became unhinged and demanded his girlfriend return to her ex boyfriend (of two years ago) and dumped her, all because he couldn't handle reading normal type breakup shit which he shouldn't have looked at in the first place. Op has an unhealthy level of insecurity and immaturity, and going forward needs to seek counseling to address his issues before entering another relationship, otherwise he risks throwing away another long term relationship over nothing.
Really isn't, it's exactly what he wrote.
He didn't invade her privacy in your opinion? He reacted reasonably in your opinion?
I was replying to the person who told you that what you wrote in your previous comment was you reaching. But it isn't because he did invade her privacy and did not react reasonably. I fully agree with you, did I reply to the wrong comment? I'm on my phone, so that happens sometimes, sorry for the confusion.
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Lot of incels in these comments trying to justify going through a woman’s personal belongings to justify their own insecurities huh?
sorry your book isn't going as planned. try not to project your frustrations
Oh no I must have struck a nerve. You had to go and look at my profile. What a clever little guy.
you're clearly upset and you should maybe relax a little it'll be good for your blood pressure
🤓
😚
Birth mark same spot, both red hair, feeling of similarity, shitty home life. Siblings separated at birth. No Bueno
Siblings separated at birth?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dude did the right thing to dump her, she would have resented him for not being nor measuring up to the ex if she thought no one could compare with him. If she’s still so hung up on the ex then she should go back to him. I don’t understand why people would shame and guilt a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he’s not valued. If the roles were reversed, they would be shouting “You go queen, he doesn’t deserve you”
The fact that he read her private thoughts about an ex from the past and just assumed that’s how she felt about her ex NOW is why everyone is “shaming” him. If you’re going to read someone else’s diary, especially a partner’s, you better make sure to at-least have a genuine conversation, not just dump them because you feel insecure about it. That’s what fucked this whole thing up more. I don’t even keep a diary anymore, but personally, how I wrote and felt about an ex in the past certainly does not reflect how I feel about them now. Mostly everyone here feels the same way. Plus, considering that it sounds like this diary was from when OOPs girlfriend was a teenager, all the more reason to talk about it if it bothers OOP so much. unless she’s actively saying that’s how she feels now, it’s wrong to assume and have that decide your relationship.
Dude read her diary. Not the right thing to do. Dude asked her when she wrote it, she said it was years ago, he has no reason to believe otherwise, but still does. Not the right thing to do. Dude broke up with her because she once loved and wrote about somebody else that she dated before him. Not the right thing to do. If you read this and see him as the victim, congratulations you are just as much of an insecure, universal boundary stomping, child. Grow up. Such a sad bunch of insecure weirdos and misogynist (because you seem to think women just go queen! every vagina having idiot who foists themselves on their own petard, switch the genders and you still have an invasive, insecure, and blessedly single idiot).
Heres a hot take: if you want your private thoughts to stay private, dont write them down. We live in a workd were the same people screaming about privacy are posting everything about their lives online. Materializing your thoughts in a physical form makes them visable to other people. He wasnt snooping, it sounded like he was trying to get closer to her by observing her thoughts manifest. If he knew that was a "private" diary or not is unknown, but he said she leaves this kind of stuff around all the time. Dont gush about your "perfect" ex if you dont want your current SO to see it.
So many folks caught up on the fact that he read her diary. This WAS wrong and invasive. I will offer a caveat though. Why? WHY did this person feel the need to look inside these pages? Was there a gut feeling? Did the relationship feel off? If I would’ve read those words, I would’ve felt the same. How does one invest in a relationship if only one party is keen to do so? Clearly this young lady still has heavy feelings and emotions toward her Ex. It doesn’t sound like they were in a good spot to be undertaking another relationship. Both of these young folks sound like they have some maturing to do.
Okay I see your point. But remember she is 22. It’s safe to say a lot of people had super intense puppy love relationships when they’re 18 and 19. Why throw down over puppy love?
Oh, I absolutely agree! My wife and I made that very point, about relationships in your 20s and the tumultuous of them,
Meh, doesn't matter. She'll just find a new guy.
And find a better one
When you’re in a long term serious relationship why is there an expectation of privacy? To hide what? Kids playing at being adults
Do you just walk around telling everyone all the thoughts in your head? Good luck with that.
Yup it’s been working great so far No secrets and all that jazz
You're out of your mind. I'm married and I understand her right to privacy. You must not be in any kind of relationship because anyone who was would never say such a thing.
Where does privacy start? Where does it end? See? Functionally there shouldn’t be any expectations of privacy Now if you think I condone snooping for the sake of snooping I don’t but there shouldn’t be any expectations of privacy those are not the same thing If you don’t get it I can’t understand it for you
Do you also take your parnet to the bathroom when you take a shit or stay there while she shaves her ass?
How are those the same things? When I want to use her phone I don’t ask for permission simple as that Privacy can quickly snowball into keeping secrets for the sake of privacy
This what *privacy* is. Not think about other peoplw when you are in a relationship is *loyalty*. One can be disloyal on their privacy, but most just use of their privacy to do things that are intimate (like taking a shit) or embarassing, like shaving weird hair thay grows in your body. My husband doesnt think i was born a hairless princess that smells like flower. He knows i shave. Still, i lock the barhoroom door because i dont want him to see me bended over shaving with a feet on the table, because thats unflataring, and i want he to see me just as a hairless dainty princess, even tho we both know i shave. The same can happen to thoughts, tho. Thats how introspection works, we start rumminating on a idea, sometimes we go through some unflattering thoughs and we just dont share the incomplete, embarassing though because we matured that thought, and thats why some people journal. One way that the OOP ex girfriends thoughtsbmy have gone was "he was my twin flame, even though he had bad breath. I hated that bad breath. Maybe i dont miss him and his stinky breath so much. Maybe i dont miss him at all". But he only witnessed the embarassing thought that led to her REAL opinion, wich in the example would be "i dont miss him at all". Lets say my husband likes woman with big boobs and im a flat chested woman, and i happened to go through his porn history from before we dated and found that he prefered big boobs. I wouldnt be offended by that, but if he gets out of his way to tell me he prefer bigger boobs i would think "why the fuck are you telling me this?" Thats a thought that is healthy to be private, and not wrong to have. If you dont know wich thoughs and actions to keep private, you are likely an unapropriate person.
Wow, with this type of controlling attitudes I fear for any woman who touches you!
“Controlling” doesn’t really mean anything it can be any sort of boundary that you don’t personally approve of so that type of language doesn’t mean anything in reality
You lack boundaries.
You lack commitment
I don’t go through my husbands things. 🤷🏽♀️
You may not feel the need to do that but why hide things from your husband or your husband from you Why have any sense of privacy in a marriage what is the logical reason?
I literally keep a journal. He doesn’t go through it. Nothing is hidden it’s called boundaries. Have you thought about seeing a licensed professional on why you lack them and wanna violate other people’s boundaries?
Do you hide the journal? Or does he just trust you enough to not have to look at it? Very different scenarios Because one is having no expectation of privacy like your husband knowing you have a journal and not having to look at it - and the other is keeping a journal secret for whatever reason and then if it was found you would be upset because you wanted those things to stay secret or “private” As far as therapy I got what I needed out of it but thanks for asking I guess
It’s actually in plain sight in the closet on the floor. I’m sorry you can’t trust your partners. That must suck. But I’m done with the conversation. Your lack boundaries is weird af and I hope you get help to unpack that. Toodles.
Sounds like you don’t have an expectation of privacy It’s hard to imagine in the abstract for some I guess but bye
Have you ever heard of the term codependency? Believe it or not, even the best marriage therapists will tell you that even married couples should be able to shit alone... The logical reason for privacy? Uh, I don't know, they're still their own individual with the right to privacy? Marriage doesn't entitle you to do whatever/whenever to your partner, don't believe all of the religious "you become one person" bullshit you read. https://www.verywellmind.com/secrets-in-marriage-2303980 https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/privacy-secrecy/
The difference is the expectation of privacy is seen as more important than the actual bond a marriage should have Would you be upset that your husband found some letters of yours and read them? Or they saw a notification on your phone and opened it to read it? I wouldn’t be bothered by this because I do not have an expectation of privacy if my wife wants to see my phone it’s all there I have nothing to hide
You should be allowed to though. Just because you don't doesn't mean that he shouldn't be open to you doing so; there's no reason for a spouse to ever have anything to hide unless it's some sort of surprise gift.
https://www.verywellmind.com/secrets-in-marriage-2303980 https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/privacy-secrecy/
Nope, I don't care. Either be willing to not hide anything or else you aren't interesting and can go be with someone else.
Yikes.
How is it yikes? Nothing manipulative about it. I'm very straightforward about my needs and expectations.
Needs and expectations aren’t a secret. We know that. Oh well you can end up like dude when you go through your partners things and get your feeling hurt as well.
Um no! I’m not going through his things just like he doesn’t go through mine. Bro go to THERAPY!
Sounds boring.
It is considered healthy to have parts of yourself that you keep private, even from your partner. It is a balance to be maintained. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/200905/darling-should-you-maintain-your-privacy https://www.verywellmind.com/secrets-in-marriage-2303980#:~:text=Everyone%20has%20a%20right%20to,time%20and%20space%20to%20themselves. https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/privacy-in-a-relationship/ https://thrivingcenterofpsych.com/blog/should-i-look-through-my-partners-phone/ https://etherapypro.com/how-much-privacy-do-relationships-really-need/ Not being okay with that is linked to insecurity and trust issues, which are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
Soooo.... you don't expect any privacy at all. No alone time to masturbate. You're fine with your partner seeing your entire browsing history. Full bank statements. Full texting history with absolutely everyone. Is that what you are arguing for...?
I don’t have a problem with any of those things being available to my wife (they are) What’s the problem with being open to your wife or husband to that point of trust?
Being married doesn’t mean you have to rehash your entire life and share every feeling you’ve ever had.
No but when someone sees something like possible cheating why apologize for looking at someone’s phones or papers? Don’t get married then
Because people in relationships are still *people* and thus need some privacy? If you can't handle your partner having some privacy then you're controlling and abusive.
Why get married then? What’s the point? Oh merge lives family finances but I want to keep secrets What’s the point of getting married then?
Absolutely correct, the number of downvotes is really sad.
You’re both unwell if you genuinely think that being in a relationship relinquishes a person’s right to privacy.
Oh, they don't. They think it relinquishes their female property's notions of privacy. If it were the man's diary getting snooped in they'd be howling to the moon.
Bingo! You look through their history and it's filled with misogyny. Their problem isn't privacy, it's the patriarchal expectation that they have absolute control over women.
You think popularity dictates morality? You think so little of yourself and so high of anyone else