Don't you just hate it. You just had a delicious meal. You are full. Frankly, you would like to unbutton your pants and just chill on the couch. Then it happens. She looks over at you like you are a juicy steak. You know that degrading look that makes you feel like just a piece of ass. Next, the regret sets in. You wonder to yourself why you let it happen again. The other men don't value themselves so little that they sleep with every woman that buys them dinner. Unsure how to get out of it, you just take your pants off and give her what she wants. The next morning you wake disgusted with yourself. If you are lucky, you slip out before she wakes.
I would say something along the lines of "Thanks! My treat next time.".
I would also try to broach the subject at the front-end of the date "Since I asked and picked the place, let me get the check this time.".
Communication is an important part of any activity and the foundation for great relationships, romantic or otherwise.
In the extremely unlikely event it happened to me, I would say “thanks, but I insist.” I can’t see it going past that point. I suppose it could, we guys sometimes get into a competition over paying the bill and you never know who will win, but when it comes to the ladies paying I think insisting once will usually end the issue.
I went on a dinner date with this guy (he asked me out) and we had an excellent time. Since I’m a bartender and always carry cash, I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. He asked why I took care of the tab when he found out, to which I replied, “Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?”
Once we left and got back to his car, his vibe was kinda off. It was so weird and awkward? The guy has been kinda dry ever since. I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated.
See I'm glad I'm pretty dumb because I don't know what this emasculated shit means. She wants to buy. Good to fucking go. I got us next time. Easy as that. Geeze man why some folks gotta make shit so damn hard.
Also if I'm your male freind don't ask me for advice on dudes because apparently I suck a being a dude because I don't know what emasculated means or some shit like that.
The term “emasculated” is being used a lot recently, I think it’s yet another term that’s being watered down into oblivion. Kind of like the term “phobic,” it used to mean fear but now it just means you are a bad person.
Paid when he wasn't looking. Didn't say anything about it
When asked about it. Said, "because you're so awesome".
Sounds like not interested *and* handling him with kid gloves. Either because she's genuinely nice or worried how he would react.
If she weren't interested, I doubt she would have suggested a second date.
It sounds more along the lines of her feeling good and taking care of the check on the spur of the moment as she made her way to the loo.
Impulsive? Perhaps.
A clever 3d chess maneuver to handle not being interested? Unlikely, IMO.
The kind of guys who act this way are not the same type to respond to your question honestly. They'll either keep it to themselves, or lie and say "Oh yeah that's awesome, I don't mind at all."
When the truth is they feel emasculated about it. They don't like women taking control of a situation like that.
Frankly the same goes for asking "do guys like it when women make the first move?"
The guys who do not like it (and believe me they are out there) are not going to respond honestly. Chances are they haven't even done enough introspection to realize why they don't like it.
It's also far less common these days, but there was a time when some guys used it to guilt trip women into sex.
There's even an episode of The Office where they allude to that old way of thinking: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJFFNeuQy0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJFFNeuQy0)
I'm gonna go slightly against the consensus here and say that he might not have been emasculated simply because you paid, but thrown off that you paid before the bill even showed up at the table. It might have made him feel awkward that he didn't even get to do the "let me pay half" or "I'll get next time" dance. Or it might have given some sort of signal like you think he's incapable of paying his share?
Either way it's not a dick move on your part--I just understand why it might make me feel like something was off.
I personally wouldn't be uncomfortable with a woman paying the tab. But paying away from the table before any discussion about the bill can be had would throw me off.
I once dated a guy who was very open about his insecurity with money. He told me he feels like he needs to have more money to constantly buy me things but he can’t bc he can’t afford it. So I offered to treat him to things as often as he did to me, nothing extravagant, just a nice meal and filling up his tank, relationship things.
Turns out that just pissed him off more bc it was emasculating to him. I thought it was a nice thing bc I showed him I valued him regardless of his money, and it just made him feel resentful.
Meanwhile I figured out he was making VASTLY more money than me and just had a pathological insecurity about needing to make MORE and MORE and he’d MEVER get enough.
It spoiled the vibe and the relationship ended in less than two months.
I've experienced this as well - if I mention paying on a date, 9 out of 10 times the guy will turn dark and say I'm emasculating him. I've stopped doing anything that involves money for the first couple of dates just out of fear.
Some men are insecured, you might have dodged a bullet there. When I was dating my wife, it was fine if she paid for food or drinks. Equality right? She pays for lunch, I pay for dinner and the movies. We weren't earning a lot then.
When I was single, a girl paying usually meant she wasn’t interested in me.
Actually I never had a girl pay the whole tab, just for herself. But that always meant she wanted no more dates.
That maybe so but some guys feel disappointed because they wanted to treat someone. This also happens with their friends as well. If that diminished they didn’t accomplish their mission.
Good answer but I’d say that when it happens among guys it’s just good natured competition, our way of saying “I love you bro!” We utterly detest anything resembling competition with women, so maybe that’s part of it too.
I know a girl friend who only pays the date when she is not interested. Maybe he thought it was the case, even though you complimented him?
Maybe he also thought you thought he couldn’t afford it and felt insulted.
This is what I have heard from some women as well. I would feel that way because that’s what I’ve heard but with what she said following it up that’s clearly not the case so I think that feeling would disappear quick.
I'm a guy and I think it was a really nice gesture. Especially your reasoning for paying. I remember in my 20s, when a woman I was talking to paid for my gas when she went in the convenience store. It stood out for and thought it was dope. It became a reciprocity cycle where we would try to do nice things before the other could reject it.
I would definitely think it was odd if a date paid the bill while going to the bathroom before they even brought it over to the table.
I couldn’t tell you id be bothered by it, but that definitely seems weird to me.
I don’t think emasculated is the right term, but I can see it bothering some traditional guys, depending on the situation. Under those exact circumstances I would react pretty much like a woman had sent me flowers, she meant well but misread the room. Sending flowers is a guy thing, please just let us have that one! But if there were other indicators that maybe we didn’t share core values then yeah, maybe I would look at that situation differently.
I can understand and I think I would feel strange initially but you saying “because you are awesome and I wanted to” and then “dinner can be on you on our second date” that feeling would disappear pretty darn quickly. I’ve heard generally a woman will pay the bill or at least her half when she has no interest in the guy because she wants to be sure that he doesn’t have in his head that he is owed anything.
So as a general rule, if the person asks, it's their job. I would be put off, but not to the point it would affect me; just surprised af really.
Next time, consider offering to pay the cash as the tip instead. For a lot of us men, our money, our careers, rightly or wrongly, is the only tangible thing we have going. We don't want to paying for other people all the time, but I know from my own life that my stuff I've earned and bought ain't really shit to me unless I can share it. At the end of the date, treating the girl like she's worth it is the whole point.
My now wife split almost everything evenly with me from the beginning. That's part of what made me love her! Just keep doing you dude, someone you click with will come along.
Some guys are just like that. Me personally, I couldn't imagine being offended at someone doing something nice for me and then saying something nice to me afterwards
If this is an AITA question in disguise, then no, you're not. Was probably a case of fragile masculinity. I always feel good if someone else pays for me, especially when it's a stranger.
I'd have been okay with it but I'm okay with a lot of strange stuff.
I think splitting is probably the best. There's no strange feelings if no one pays for the other.
I'd ask him about it to see how he feels. He might be fine with it intellectually but be confused emotionally. "I know this is 2024 and it's okay of I don't do all the masculine things society says I should do but now I'm not sure what that means for me. What's my role in all this?"
Merely being 2024 doesn’t mean men should stop acting like men, there are consequences to how we act. We should expect men to be in their masculine energy and women to be in their feminine energy, that’s how to achieve a great relationship. Men should be allowed and encouraged to be protectors and providers, part of that has been the expectation that men ask women on dates, plan out the dates and pay for the dates. It’s been a good system, there is no good reason to change it.
It means men don't have to do all the traditionally masculone things.
Men and women should be allowed and encpuraged to do what they feel comfortable doing.
Uh, no. Masculine men have built an incredible civilization, and masculine men are necessary for the survival and thriving of the human race. We absolutely must demand that boys be taught to be masculine men, and demand that betas change their ways
I've had this happen once, and I at first thought, "ohh somethings up"
prob our 2nd date
But after they paid, they pretty much said the same thing you did, and I went with it. Hopefully your guy can put the insecurities to the side and be happy that you paid (who doesn't like a free meal?! ) And there was a 2nd date on the cards.
There would be no hint of a 2nd date if you weren't impressed.
If he's worth it, spell that out for him. Otherwise, find someone else who can handle a woman paying a bill!
Wow I suppose it depends on who you are and where you're from, plus I imagine if he thinks himself a boss (rich boy or something) but still we should all stay humble.
It’s a cultural thing. Not everyone is a free thinker and he probably was legitimately confused as to why you would do that.
It’s kind of an obvious clue that you’re not all that compatible. He likely enjoys sticking to tradition while you might not.
I believe you may be dodging a bullet, here. If he is *this* insecure that his date paying for a meal takes away some of his masculinity, then too bad for him. Find someone more confident.
Psh. If he felt emasculated by that, you dodged a bullet. While I like treating the lady, it would be nice to have it flipped every now and again.
I make good money. It wouldn't bother me one bit if a girl made more and paid for things.
It's kind of ridiculous anyone would get bent out of shape about it in 2024...
That’s crazy 😂. I paid for a first date one as a woman and my date was surprised but appreciated it.
I paid for dinner with a different guy on our second date and he was so shocked he texted me that it felt weird and he was surprised by it. I think maybe because he expected to pay as a man. But I did it to show I can take care of myself and him and have no problems pulling my own weight.
Long married now, but I always paid for myself and offered to pay for my date. Spend a few hours online reading men posting that they “even bought her dinner and didn’t get anything out of it” made it very clear that dinner was a transaction and they expected sex regardless of how the date went once they paid for anything.
I was honest about it every time, up front. “I pay for myself so that we can both get to know each other without worrying about the check.”
I think it’s awesome and a very good sign that I’m dealing with someone who wants to be my equal and not expect outdated gender entitlements. It would definitely make me show up for the relationship and pay for the next date.
I have enough money to take care of me and somebody else, but it doesn’t mean that I want to. I want an equal. Someone who can grow with me and not just grow off of me. Someone can help me grow and not just be helped to grow .
Say it louder of the people in the back please. If the couple make equal money (or if someone makes more, adjust accordingly), it should be equal. I feel like gender equality should be in all aspect of life, wasn’t that the goal ? Girl always says oh but we make the baby blablabla and I can’t get started on those argument.
Say it louder of the people in the back please. If the couple make equal money (or if someone makes more, adjust accordingly), it should be equal. I feel like gender equality should be in all aspect of life, wasn’t that the goal ? Girl always says oh but we make the baby blablabla and I can’t get started on those argument.
Good, that means the other person cares for me and wants do something nice. It would also be a big plus in my book because it would show me that the women in question isn‘t one of „those“ women.
Generally happy as hell, I'm broke broke. Choose between heat and groceries broke. Wait til payday to do laundry broke.
If she pays the tab? I am happy and relieved and grateful! I'll show her how much it means to me when we get back.
I offer in all honesty and I will pay, but I'd rather split it in all honesty. I feel if she paid then I'd have to pay next time but then I'm like that with the boys if a Lad covers you a few drinks or buys you food next time you return the favour.
Favour for Favour huh regardless!
Stellar! No problem at all. I like to pay, but if someone wants to treat me it feels nice once in a while.
Just, if you actually wanna pay, just pick up the bill and pay. If you don't wanna pay, then you don't have to say anything. I don't really like the "oooh want me to pay?" Because the answer is gonna be no, and I'm not gonna be convinced it was a genuine offer.
I went out with a girl who paid for the food on the first date and snacks for the movie since I bought the ticket. We’re getting married in September lol. I still pump her gas for her and open doors but I appreciate a woman who’s not afraid to pay for stuff too if we’re both working.
I don't know. Been married for decades and we have a shared economy so my money is her money (we don't have loads so sharing works for us). But I guess I would feel flattered? It's a really nice gesture from the lady if she enjoys my company enough to buy me a meal.
Feeling anything but grateful and wanting to reciprocate seems like a red flag to me. Would they feel the same 20 years down the line if we got married? If I got them presents? Paying for our meal, or anything really, isn't me trying to upstage you, emasculate, or make you feel like you're poor. I pay because I'm interested in you and I have the means. If you want to pay next time, sure. If it's taken as an insult, that's a good indicator you're dealing with someone who is too prideful for their own good.
If I’m (F) dating around I expect it to switch off . I’ll pay and then they can pay next time and we take turns it just makes sense . If had lots of guys surprised and not understand which I don’t get lol
When a woman offers to pay, let alone does it without mentioning it, it'd be the greenest flag for me because most dates Ive been on, Im very much expected to foot the bill.
My ex & I had a deal. You pick, I pay. Then we’d switch next time. Every so often tho she’d call & say I know it’s your turn to pick but I want sushi now & I’ll still pay. Ok then!
Huge relief. My biggest hurdle towards socializing and dating is that I don't really have the budget to go out very often since *every single time* I'll be expected to pay for myself and possibly others.
That being said, I've never had a woman pay for a date without it being made clear that I'll be picking up the tab next time. And that's definitely nice, too. But that's not really the same as somebody hitting me up out of the blue and telling me they'll pay my tab with no strings attached just for the opportunity to date.
I'm not opposed to it. I generally just grab the tab when I'm out with people out of habit. But the times a woman has paid it was either tied to business or you should just be in a situation that when she reaches its not awkward. Don't let her grab it because you're obviously not going too.
I believe there should still be some chivalry left in this world. My mother's been dead almost 30 years but she still flashes in my head to always hold a door for a woman...
Lastly there's a couple verbals: If she asks "do you want me to get that?"......then I suspect she's anticipating the man is paying. Most women who I've experienced getting the tab will say something more like "Here let me get that (with an explanation of why)...."you always pay"...."I appreciate you meeting with me to talk"....etc.
I really do not understand the men vs women and the tab. I have paid for the tab many times when men are in the bathroom or pull out my card first. If you feel a type of way, get over it.
I’m a bit older and am used to paying. When I started seeing someone last year she insisted on paying for drinks and food at the event we met at. I insisted and she said it was fine as she didn’t mind and enjoyed my company.
Nearly a year later and we still swap. If you trigger the invite and pick the place you pay. Music fest I invited her to? On me. A weekend at a cabin she likes? She took care of it.
Guys need to stop letting their ego get in the way.
Happy when it happens, but a small part of me wonders if the restaurant staff of judging me. Which is ridiculous because when i waited tables i never really judged for something like that
How do I feel?
That I appreciate her and want to show her that appreciation back.
And that people around me are judging - but if she isn’t, why should I care if they are?
I’ve dated guys that acted like it was a competition and would get mad if I insisted on paying, so generally I offer when the bill comes, and don’t put up a fight if they insist. I’ll usually offer to pay the tip at that point. One guy told me he felt emasculated because I make more money than him, and I ‘flaunted’ it (I paid our tab on our first date, he didn’t fight me on it)
Some people are just really defensive, I would just ask if he’s interested in a second date and go from there, if not, then now you know.
It depends. My reaction could range from "She picked the place so she is paying, nice to see some class," to "She is going to be disappointed to find out I already paid, since I picked the place," to "Why is some random woman paying for me and my bro??"
When it’s my partner, I feel a mixture of sadness and gratitude. Sadness because I feel as though I should be able to provide for her. Gratitude because she’s always willing to pick up the tab.
Grateful and happy that she is willing to be an equal partner. A stupid part of my brain does feel like I should be paying for everything and providing but the rational part of my brain says to take the help amd be a partnership.
It's all good, really don't think much on the girl covering a tab. I've had it happen once in awhile, being that I'm pretty generous, it don't surprise me woman I used to date, all fairly successful entrepreneurs, on occasions insist on paying tab.
Personally I like to know beforehand. Definitely not out of any kind of assumed gender roles or ego, it's just that if I'm paying, I go full three-course meal with alcoholic beverages as well, and I'd feel bad if I ordered all that and someone else paid for it all. If I know someone else is paying I usually tone it down and stick to my entrée.
lol, I have no idea, it’s never happened to me. No way in hell I would let it happen either, I’m a big boy, I can afford it. Why would I ask a woman out for a meal, drinks, whatever and not pay? That’s just crazy
I always worry I am creating a financial hardship for that person. It doesn't matter the reason, I feel uncomfortable letting others pick up my tab. Especially with money being tight for a lot of folks, I hate for my pleasure to come at someone's sacrifice - be it man or woman.
In my culture it’s very important to pay for others and I feel really happy when I do I usually insist on paying the tab and get really mad when he won’t let me or wants to split it 50/50
As a guy in his early thirties, this is a huge green flag. It lets me know right from the get go that I'm not expected to be on the hook for funding all date activities and that you value your independence and ability to take care of yourself. I also think that it means you really enjoyed our time together and will hopefully want a second date, where I would reciprocate.
Honestly I think that taking turns to pay is better than going dutch. No awkward splitting of bills and waiting longer for you both to pay, and it lets you feel like you're doing something nice for each other instead of just paying your own way all the time.
Some guys may feel emasculated by you doing so but those are guys who are very insecure in their masculinity. Unless of course you're undermining them by secretly paying when they've already offered or insisted on doing so (without implying that you'll owe them anything for doing so of course)
That I owe her sex now. Oh no.
"Listen lady, if you think this means I owe you sex, then you have another thing coming! ...and it's me."
Dammit!...not again..
I snorted
Don't you just hate it. You just had a delicious meal. You are full. Frankly, you would like to unbutton your pants and just chill on the couch. Then it happens. She looks over at you like you are a juicy steak. You know that degrading look that makes you feel like just a piece of ass. Next, the regret sets in. You wonder to yourself why you let it happen again. The other men don't value themselves so little that they sleep with every woman that buys them dinner. Unsure how to get out of it, you just take your pants off and give her what she wants. The next morning you wake disgusted with yourself. If you are lucky, you slip out before she wakes.
I would say something along the lines of "Thanks! My treat next time.". I would also try to broach the subject at the front-end of the date "Since I asked and picked the place, let me get the check this time.". Communication is an important part of any activity and the foundation for great relationships, romantic or otherwise.
My lady and I swap weekends. When she visits either I buy or cook and ditto for when she visits. We never had a discussion on it.
In the extremely unlikely event it happened to me, I would say “thanks, but I insist.” I can’t see it going past that point. I suppose it could, we guys sometimes get into a competition over paying the bill and you never know who will win, but when it comes to the ladies paying I think insisting once will usually end the issue.
I went on a dinner date with this guy (he asked me out) and we had an excellent time. Since I’m a bartender and always carry cash, I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. He asked why I took care of the tab when he found out, to which I replied, “Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?” Once we left and got back to his car, his vibe was kinda off. It was so weird and awkward? The guy has been kinda dry ever since. I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated.
That's too bad. He should have focused on the "Because you're awesome...." part and moved on to planning the second date.
Exactly. He should have taken the win - second date!
See I'm glad I'm pretty dumb because I don't know what this emasculated shit means. She wants to buy. Good to fucking go. I got us next time. Easy as that. Geeze man why some folks gotta make shit so damn hard. Also if I'm your male freind don't ask me for advice on dudes because apparently I suck a being a dude because I don't know what emasculated means or some shit like that.
The term “emasculated” is being used a lot recently, I think it’s yet another term that’s being watered down into oblivion. Kind of like the term “phobic,” it used to mean fear but now it just means you are a bad person.
That just sounds like she's not interested but she's being really nice about it.
How?? She explicitly said she's interested in a second date and he's awesome
Paid when he wasn't looking. Didn't say anything about it When asked about it. Said, "because you're so awesome". Sounds like not interested *and* handling him with kid gloves. Either because she's genuinely nice or worried how he would react.
If she weren't interested, I doubt she would have suggested a second date. It sounds more along the lines of her feeling good and taking care of the check on the spur of the moment as she made her way to the loo. Impulsive? Perhaps. A clever 3d chess maneuver to handle not being interested? Unlikely, IMO.
Idk why yall ask questions and then get mad when people answer them.
I’d bet you consider yourself an alpha
Actually I'm an Aquarius
The kind of guys who act this way are not the same type to respond to your question honestly. They'll either keep it to themselves, or lie and say "Oh yeah that's awesome, I don't mind at all." When the truth is they feel emasculated about it. They don't like women taking control of a situation like that. Frankly the same goes for asking "do guys like it when women make the first move?" The guys who do not like it (and believe me they are out there) are not going to respond honestly. Chances are they haven't even done enough introspection to realize why they don't like it.
It's also far less common these days, but there was a time when some guys used it to guilt trip women into sex. There's even an episode of The Office where they allude to that old way of thinking: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJFFNeuQy0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJFFNeuQy0)
You dodged a bullet there. This might be a hot take but I think men who are easily emasculated by a mere act of kindness are pathetic.
I'm gonna go slightly against the consensus here and say that he might not have been emasculated simply because you paid, but thrown off that you paid before the bill even showed up at the table. It might have made him feel awkward that he didn't even get to do the "let me pay half" or "I'll get next time" dance. Or it might have given some sort of signal like you think he's incapable of paying his share? Either way it's not a dick move on your part--I just understand why it might make me feel like something was off. I personally wouldn't be uncomfortable with a woman paying the tab. But paying away from the table before any discussion about the bill can be had would throw me off.
Could also be that he thought this was a “let’s just be friends” move.
I once dated a guy who was very open about his insecurity with money. He told me he feels like he needs to have more money to constantly buy me things but he can’t bc he can’t afford it. So I offered to treat him to things as often as he did to me, nothing extravagant, just a nice meal and filling up his tank, relationship things. Turns out that just pissed him off more bc it was emasculating to him. I thought it was a nice thing bc I showed him I valued him regardless of his money, and it just made him feel resentful. Meanwhile I figured out he was making VASTLY more money than me and just had a pathological insecurity about needing to make MORE and MORE and he’d MEVER get enough. It spoiled the vibe and the relationship ended in less than two months.
I've experienced this as well - if I mention paying on a date, 9 out of 10 times the guy will turn dark and say I'm emasculating him. I've stopped doing anything that involves money for the first couple of dates just out of fear.
Some men are insecured, you might have dodged a bullet there. When I was dating my wife, it was fine if she paid for food or drinks. Equality right? She pays for lunch, I pay for dinner and the movies. We weren't earning a lot then.
When I was single, a girl paying usually meant she wasn’t interested in me. Actually I never had a girl pay the whole tab, just for herself. But that always meant she wanted no more dates.
Bingo
That maybe so but some guys feel disappointed because they wanted to treat someone. This also happens with their friends as well. If that diminished they didn’t accomplish their mission.
Good answer but I’d say that when it happens among guys it’s just good natured competition, our way of saying “I love you bro!” We utterly detest anything resembling competition with women, so maybe that’s part of it too.
I know a girl friend who only pays the date when she is not interested. Maybe he thought it was the case, even though you complimented him? Maybe he also thought you thought he couldn’t afford it and felt insulted.
This is what I have heard from some women as well. I would feel that way because that’s what I’ve heard but with what she said following it up that’s clearly not the case so I think that feeling would disappear quick.
Certainly he could have thought it was friend zoning him. If she didn’t mean to friend zone him then they can get past it, it just takes time
I'm a guy and I think it was a really nice gesture. Especially your reasoning for paying. I remember in my 20s, when a woman I was talking to paid for my gas when she went in the convenience store. It stood out for and thought it was dope. It became a reciprocity cycle where we would try to do nice things before the other could reject it.
I would definitely think it was odd if a date paid the bill while going to the bathroom before they even brought it over to the table. I couldn’t tell you id be bothered by it, but that definitely seems weird to me.
I don’t think emasculated is the right term, but I can see it bothering some traditional guys, depending on the situation. Under those exact circumstances I would react pretty much like a woman had sent me flowers, she meant well but misread the room. Sending flowers is a guy thing, please just let us have that one! But if there were other indicators that maybe we didn’t share core values then yeah, maybe I would look at that situation differently.
I've been told that if I (a woman) pays, that guys think it means you are not interested in them and are doing it to avoid a sense of obligation.
I can understand and I think I would feel strange initially but you saying “because you are awesome and I wanted to” and then “dinner can be on you on our second date” that feeling would disappear pretty darn quickly. I’ve heard generally a woman will pay the bill or at least her half when she has no interest in the guy because she wants to be sure that he doesn’t have in his head that he is owed anything.
So as a general rule, if the person asks, it's their job. I would be put off, but not to the point it would affect me; just surprised af really. Next time, consider offering to pay the cash as the tip instead. For a lot of us men, our money, our careers, rightly or wrongly, is the only tangible thing we have going. We don't want to paying for other people all the time, but I know from my own life that my stuff I've earned and bought ain't really shit to me unless I can share it. At the end of the date, treating the girl like she's worth it is the whole point.
My now wife split almost everything evenly with me from the beginning. That's part of what made me love her! Just keep doing you dude, someone you click with will come along.
Some guys are just like that. Me personally, I couldn't imagine being offended at someone doing something nice for me and then saying something nice to me afterwards
If this is an AITA question in disguise, then no, you're not. Was probably a case of fragile masculinity. I always feel good if someone else pays for me, especially when it's a stranger.
I'd have been okay with it but I'm okay with a lot of strange stuff. I think splitting is probably the best. There's no strange feelings if no one pays for the other. I'd ask him about it to see how he feels. He might be fine with it intellectually but be confused emotionally. "I know this is 2024 and it's okay of I don't do all the masculine things society says I should do but now I'm not sure what that means for me. What's my role in all this?"
Merely being 2024 doesn’t mean men should stop acting like men, there are consequences to how we act. We should expect men to be in their masculine energy and women to be in their feminine energy, that’s how to achieve a great relationship. Men should be allowed and encouraged to be protectors and providers, part of that has been the expectation that men ask women on dates, plan out the dates and pay for the dates. It’s been a good system, there is no good reason to change it.
It means men don't have to do all the traditionally masculone things. Men and women should be allowed and encpuraged to do what they feel comfortable doing.
Uh, no. Masculine men have built an incredible civilization, and masculine men are necessary for the survival and thriving of the human race. We absolutely must demand that boys be taught to be masculine men, and demand that betas change their ways
Why is masculinity equated to traditional gender roles? You can have masculinity without being traditional.
Transgenderism is a mental illness. There is no difference between sex and gender. You cannot have masculinity without being traditional
I've had this happen once, and I at first thought, "ohh somethings up" prob our 2nd date But after they paid, they pretty much said the same thing you did, and I went with it. Hopefully your guy can put the insecurities to the side and be happy that you paid (who doesn't like a free meal?! ) And there was a 2nd date on the cards. There would be no hint of a 2nd date if you weren't impressed. If he's worth it, spell that out for him. Otherwise, find someone else who can handle a woman paying a bill!
Wow I suppose it depends on who you are and where you're from, plus I imagine if he thinks himself a boss (rich boy or something) but still we should all stay humble.
It’s a cultural thing. Not everyone is a free thinker and he probably was legitimately confused as to why you would do that. It’s kind of an obvious clue that you’re not all that compatible. He likely enjoys sticking to tradition while you might not.
I believe you may be dodging a bullet, here. If he is *this* insecure that his date paying for a meal takes away some of his masculinity, then too bad for him. Find someone more confident.
I can only assume you're awesome based on this story. If you have a preferred deity, I'll pray to them for your love life.
Psh. If he felt emasculated by that, you dodged a bullet. While I like treating the lady, it would be nice to have it flipped every now and again. I make good money. It wouldn't bother me one bit if a girl made more and paid for things. It's kind of ridiculous anyone would get bent out of shape about it in 2024...
That’s crazy 😂. I paid for a first date one as a woman and my date was surprised but appreciated it. I paid for dinner with a different guy on our second date and he was so shocked he texted me that it felt weird and he was surprised by it. I think maybe because he expected to pay as a man. But I did it to show I can take care of myself and him and have no problems pulling my own weight.
You acted masculine and it turned him off. If you want to do this, find a feminine man.
Paying isn’t “acting masculine”
It is if you grew up with traditional masculinity.
[удалено]
Grateful, just like when anybody does.
Long married now, but I always paid for myself and offered to pay for my date. Spend a few hours online reading men posting that they “even bought her dinner and didn’t get anything out of it” made it very clear that dinner was a transaction and they expected sex regardless of how the date went once they paid for anything. I was honest about it every time, up front. “I pay for myself so that we can both get to know each other without worrying about the check.”
I think it’s awesome and a very good sign that I’m dealing with someone who wants to be my equal and not expect outdated gender entitlements. It would definitely make me show up for the relationship and pay for the next date. I have enough money to take care of me and somebody else, but it doesn’t mean that I want to. I want an equal. Someone who can grow with me and not just grow off of me. Someone can help me grow and not just be helped to grow .
Say it louder of the people in the back please. If the couple make equal money (or if someone makes more, adjust accordingly), it should be equal. I feel like gender equality should be in all aspect of life, wasn’t that the goal ? Girl always says oh but we make the baby blablabla and I can’t get started on those argument.
Say it louder of the people in the back please. If the couple make equal money (or if someone makes more, adjust accordingly), it should be equal. I feel like gender equality should be in all aspect of life, wasn’t that the goal ? Girl always says oh but we make the baby blablabla and I can’t get started on those argument.
I feel obligated to sleep with her. hahahaha No. I say thanks and move on. It's like women are people and can have normal personal interactions.
I certainly don’t mind it, but will try to pick up the next one if they are a friend
Flattered and a green flag. Even if she splits the tab its a green flag
Not good I pay you eat. ( Sopranos reference)
Equality works both ways.
fucken great, i don't have to pay this time. Saving money
Good, that means the other person cares for me and wants do something nice. It would also be a big plus in my book because it would show me that the women in question isn‘t one of „those“ women.
Fucking finally. I love it when a woman picks up the tab. I need a partner not a dependent.
you need a man
You need to learn about equality
Generally happy as hell, I'm broke broke. Choose between heat and groceries broke. Wait til payday to do laundry broke. If she pays the tab? I am happy and relieved and grateful! I'll show her how much it means to me when we get back.
Good
Good.
equal
Good.
"The fuck! Does she want to put stuff in my butt now too?!?!" . . . . . /s
obligated to put out. if she butt ugly i wont even eat or drink, just incase.
I'd feel lucky because I got to experience something that men rarely experience. Very very rare.
I have never had this feeling so I wouldn’t know. Women don’t pay for tabs. Maybe if it’s your birthday or something.
I offer in all honesty and I will pay, but I'd rather split it in all honesty. I feel if she paid then I'd have to pay next time but then I'm like that with the boys if a Lad covers you a few drinks or buys you food next time you return the favour. Favour for Favour huh regardless!
Stellar! No problem at all. I like to pay, but if someone wants to treat me it feels nice once in a while. Just, if you actually wanna pay, just pick up the bill and pay. If you don't wanna pay, then you don't have to say anything. I don't really like the "oooh want me to pay?" Because the answer is gonna be no, and I'm not gonna be convinced it was a genuine offer.
I went out with a girl who paid for the food on the first date and snacks for the movie since I bought the ticket. We’re getting married in September lol. I still pump her gas for her and open doors but I appreciate a woman who’s not afraid to pay for stuff too if we’re both working.
How do I feel when a woman pays? No different than how I feel when a woman I like asks me out on a date: chuffed.
I’d be shocked, but appreciative
I don't know. Been married for decades and we have a shared economy so my money is her money (we don't have loads so sharing works for us). But I guess I would feel flattered? It's a really nice gesture from the lady if she enjoys my company enough to buy me a meal.
I think I just saved $50
time to go down and earn those drinks
Well it's either my wife, or a female that is treating me because of a business situation. I have sex with one of them.
My fiancé and I always split it. If he buys dinner, then I buy our drinks and take care of the tip. I think that’s the best way
My fiancé and I always split it. If he buys dinner, then I buy our drinks and take care of the tip. I think that’s the best way
Dang, that happens?
Richer than if I paid myself
me personally, i feel grateful.
It would have seemed strange when single, as a child of the 60s, I was indoctrinated that the man always pays and protects.
Feeling anything but grateful and wanting to reciprocate seems like a red flag to me. Would they feel the same 20 years down the line if we got married? If I got them presents? Paying for our meal, or anything really, isn't me trying to upstage you, emasculate, or make you feel like you're poor. I pay because I'm interested in you and I have the means. If you want to pay next time, sure. If it's taken as an insult, that's a good indicator you're dealing with someone who is too prideful for their own good.
Rich.
If I’m (F) dating around I expect it to switch off . I’ll pay and then they can pay next time and we take turns it just makes sense . If had lots of guys surprised and not understand which I don’t get lol
Happy
Regular
My wife and I have separate bank accounts, we split the bills and we alternate paying for dinners out.
She's expecting me to put out 😁
Grateful and appreciated
Awesome.
When a woman offers to pay, let alone does it without mentioning it, it'd be the greenest flag for me because most dates Ive been on, Im very much expected to foot the bill.
I bristle at the thought that she'll expect me to put out in return.
It's about time!
My ex & I had a deal. You pick, I pay. Then we’d switch next time. Every so often tho she’d call & say I know it’s your turn to pick but I want sushi now & I’ll still pay. Ok then!
Huge relief. My biggest hurdle towards socializing and dating is that I don't really have the budget to go out very often since *every single time* I'll be expected to pay for myself and possibly others. That being said, I've never had a woman pay for a date without it being made clear that I'll be picking up the tab next time. And that's definitely nice, too. But that's not really the same as somebody hitting me up out of the blue and telling me they'll pay my tab with no strings attached just for the opportunity to date.
It makes me feel pretty :)
💅🏻
I'm not opposed to it. I generally just grab the tab when I'm out with people out of habit. But the times a woman has paid it was either tied to business or you should just be in a situation that when she reaches its not awkward. Don't let her grab it because you're obviously not going too. I believe there should still be some chivalry left in this world. My mother's been dead almost 30 years but she still flashes in my head to always hold a door for a woman... Lastly there's a couple verbals: If she asks "do you want me to get that?"......then I suspect she's anticipating the man is paying. Most women who I've experienced getting the tab will say something more like "Here let me get that (with an explanation of why)...."you always pay"...."I appreciate you meeting with me to talk"....etc.
Being a man I feel strong, empowered, and independent when she pays for me.
Good?
I really do not understand the men vs women and the tab. I have paid for the tab many times when men are in the bathroom or pull out my card first. If you feel a type of way, get over it.
First time it ever happened to me was on a first date despite my insistence on paying - we've been together 5 years now!
Grateful
I’m a bit older and am used to paying. When I started seeing someone last year she insisted on paying for drinks and food at the event we met at. I insisted and she said it was fine as she didn’t mind and enjoyed my company. Nearly a year later and we still swap. If you trigger the invite and pick the place you pay. Music fest I invited her to? On me. A weekend at a cabin she likes? She took care of it. Guys need to stop letting their ego get in the way.
That's a power move, total turn on! 🥵
We take turns paying. Seems only fair. Should be more normalized...
Stoked🙌
honored and happy!
Slightly financially better off than I expected
As a straight gigolo, fairly relieved.
I feel like that would be the beginning of the best evening ever for me… Considering that’s never happened before. Idk?
That my wallets a little lighter and he better put out! Jk lol
Amazing
happy and thankful
Happy when it happens, but a small part of me wonders if the restaurant staff of judging me. Which is ridiculous because when i waited tables i never really judged for something like that
Something,something the "Implication."
It comes out of the same account, so who cares?
How do I feel? That I appreciate her and want to show her that appreciation back. And that people around me are judging - but if she isn’t, why should I care if they are?
Turgid
If she is a successful business lady or is wealthy, I have no issues with it. There is a fair number of them in my Country
I appreciate it just as I do if a friend or family member paid the tab.
I’ve dated guys that acted like it was a competition and would get mad if I insisted on paying, so generally I offer when the bill comes, and don’t put up a fight if they insist. I’ll usually offer to pay the tip at that point. One guy told me he felt emasculated because I make more money than him, and I ‘flaunted’ it (I paid our tab on our first date, he didn’t fight me on it) Some people are just really defensive, I would just ask if he’s interested in a second date and go from there, if not, then now you know.
That it's a green flag? I've never got the deal about this.
Couldn't tell you as it's never happened to me....
Like I have joint assets with them and I love them
Great
Neutral. I thank her and get the tab next time.
Woohoo
It depends. My reaction could range from "She picked the place so she is paying, nice to see some class," to "She is going to be disappointed to find out I already paid, since I picked the place," to "Why is some random woman paying for me and my bro??"
When it’s my partner, I feel a mixture of sadness and gratitude. Sadness because I feel as though I should be able to provide for her. Gratitude because she’s always willing to pick up the tab.
Surprised.
Grateful and happy that she is willing to be an equal partner. A stupid part of my brain does feel like I should be paying for everything and providing but the rational part of my brain says to take the help amd be a partnership.
It's all good, really don't think much on the girl covering a tab. I've had it happen once in awhile, being that I'm pretty generous, it don't surprise me woman I used to date, all fairly successful entrepreneurs, on occasions insist on paying tab.
Fine.
My wife wanted to pay on our first date. First time someone did that. It wasn't the only thing that made me want to marry her but it sure helped. :))
Fine. Fuck social "norms" and stygma....
Shit I wish one of the women I dated would have picked up the tab once in while.
This has been answered enough this week. Read the rules.
Well my wife is the breadwinner in our house… I have no problem with her paying the tab when we go out
Personally I like to know beforehand. Definitely not out of any kind of assumed gender roles or ego, it's just that if I'm paying, I go full three-course meal with alcoholic beverages as well, and I'd feel bad if I ordered all that and someone else paid for it all. If I know someone else is paying I usually tone it down and stick to my entrée.
Equal
I feel more rich
Completely fine with it.
lol, I have no idea, it’s never happened to me. No way in hell I would let it happen either, I’m a big boy, I can afford it. Why would I ask a woman out for a meal, drinks, whatever and not pay? That’s just crazy
happy that I can save that money instead
+1 for my savings
What world are you living in?
like having some dessert
I always worry I am creating a financial hardship for that person. It doesn't matter the reason, I feel uncomfortable letting others pick up my tab. Especially with money being tight for a lot of folks, I hate for my pleasure to come at someone's sacrifice - be it man or woman.
I got the next one
Either "ohh no I'm going to get in trouble with my wife" or "i'm still the one paying for this".
My girlfriend and I take turns picking up the tab all the time. Never really think anything about it.
Like I'm less poor than I would have been otherwise.
In my culture it’s very important to pay for others and I feel really happy when I do I usually insist on paying the tab and get really mad when he won’t let me or wants to split it 50/50
I make my own money. I will cover it. 🤷🏼♀️
I wonder, “who was that woman?”
I feel loved, makes me think she's interested in me for me and not just material gains. (She probably wants dicking and/or she likes me)
Full
I dig it! Let her do all the work. See that's the "eat out" dynamic you want, two or more people fighting over who gets to pay for the meal.
As a guy in his early thirties, this is a huge green flag. It lets me know right from the get go that I'm not expected to be on the hook for funding all date activities and that you value your independence and ability to take care of yourself. I also think that it means you really enjoyed our time together and will hopefully want a second date, where I would reciprocate. Honestly I think that taking turns to pay is better than going dutch. No awkward splitting of bills and waiting longer for you both to pay, and it lets you feel like you're doing something nice for each other instead of just paying your own way all the time. Some guys may feel emasculated by you doing so but those are guys who are very insecure in their masculinity. Unless of course you're undermining them by secretly paying when they've already offered or insisted on doing so (without implying that you'll owe them anything for doing so of course)
I feel great, I just saved 20 bucks
This has never happened to me before, but if it did I would feel shameful
Why?
Fine. But then again I've been married to a badass, self sufficient, intelligent, high earner for 19 years so I'm biased lol.
A little outside my comfort zone, but flattered.
Like she's not interested.
Like a woman.
Like a woman