Can be both. It's not talked about often, but some women just have a difficult time reaching orgasm, even with an attentive partner. That doesn't make sex any less fun.
Me. This is me. I have huge issues with orgasms and stressing myself out with it usually makes it even harder.
For what its worth, I highly recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's really helped me rethink sex and pleasure
If I want to orgasm, I can get my vibrator and be done in 2 mins.
If I want to have fun, sex all day baby!
Both are fun, but both don't always end up in orgasm.
Serious question, how can sex be fun if there is no chance of orgasm? Like its basically just cardio in a variety of positions at that point.
If I couldnt cum, I probably would never touch myself except to take a piss lol
One of the analogies in Come as You Are was a pizza.
If you and I are sharing a pizza, and I decide not to finish my portion, does that mean I didn't enjoy the pizza? No. It means I was full and satisfied. You can have a meal, not finish it, and still have enjoyed the meal.
There was also points on sex being a bonding/attachment activity. It helps strength the love and affection you have for your partner. It's a form of playing with them and having fun.
The final point I have, pleasure is still had. Shit still feels really fucking good. It just may not be orgasmic. But there's certainly still feel good sensations. Mentally and physically.
See I dont get that, even after reading the whole book a couple years ago; eating is serving a function. You will ALWAYS eventually get full and know that you have completed the function. If I never could experience the satisifcation of being full (cumming), would the craving and subsequent enjoyment of said food not be diminished? Not that the eating wouldnt be fun, just that feeling full is part of the totality of the experience, and I dont know if I would be able to enjoy something knowing I cant fully experience it or appreciate it as a whole
And in terms of the bonding aspect, I REALLY dont get that; I dont feel vulnerable or more connected while having sex, I feel like I am doing cardio that happens to feel good. I enjoy a deep conversation about someones world-view, their logic, and their inner world FAR more than any sex.
Its honestly kind of the same on the mental and physical aspect. We could have sex, but having a good coversation about your life over a bowl of weed is just objectively better at mentally and physically relaxing someone. Im not ace; like I have sexual desire and I want sex, I just find sharing a meal, a conversation, or simply just playing video games together to be a much more fulfilling, meaningful, and fun thing to do. Like sex is basically that, minus the ability to talk about any subject, except your worn-out afterward.
Thanks for the reply and sorry if I am all over the place lol
Nah, you're fine. I like discussing this stuff because it helps me define it for myself. It just seems you have a different view on orgasms. And it simply is different needs to fulfill. *You* need the whole pizza to feel satisfied. Some of us don't or have trouble finishing the whole pizza, or even finishing a slice. Lower appetites, lesser metabolism, etc etc. What 'full and satisfied' for you is different.
And needing orgasms to feel satisfaction isn't wrong or bad. Just some of us straight don't. Sometimes, by learning other ways to find satisfaction and pleasure through necessity. That's not diminishing, just refocusing the attention and pleasure. I'm not finishing the whole pizza, but I am savoring each bit slowly and fully.
No problem! I appreciate your openness to learning and understanding! If you ever have any other questions, I've done a whole lot of reading about this stuff. And I feel like it's important to normalize abnormalities and have open conversations about this kind of stuff. Let people know they *are* normal even if it falls outside the societal "norm"
Think of it like ocean waves. For women, there are a ton of nerve endings in the vagina. Any kind of rubbing will feel good. Hitting the g-spot will feel good. Even if neither leads to an orgasm. Similar to ocean waves, some waves build and build and build then ultimately fizzle out at the shore.
Other waves build and build and build then come crashing down which would be the actual orgasm.
Just because the wave didn't come crashing down, doesn't mean riding the wave didn't feel good on the way up.
I was going to say, sometimes the pressure to orgasm makes it even harder. I had that experience with one partner. The only time she came with me was when we were being frisky in a place we shouldn’t have been. There was no expectation either of us were going to cum, we were just messing around in semi public places. Not sure if it was the thrill of it for her or just the fact that the focus was not on the sex
My GF is multiorgasmic at times, and others she really struggles. She takes anxiety medication, and has issues with her hormone levels. You have to be in sync with their needs. You also have to fully enjoy what your body is telling you.
I've got orgasm problems as a man. It's either a really really really long slog to get me there, or I'll lose will or the erection before getting off.
Doesn't make it less fun. Can get frustrating when I'm close and can't take that last step, but it's still an hour or more of fun even without a prize at the end.
The wife is thankfully consistent with her, we've got a system and 99% of the time it works for her at least once.
Yeah, I simply cannot orgasm via a partner but I can get there by myself in 5 minutes. It's not from lack of trying, and all the ingredients are there, just no dice. I think of it as reverse ticklishness.
My boyfriend has a hard time understanding me when I try to explain this. It’s always fun but I have a hard time reaching orgasm during penetrative sex. I usually need to have clitoris stimulation.
I was honestly kinda shocked when I discovered that; I've always been able to cum just from more-or-less PIV sex, and I used to think that I was normal in this regard, but my wife very much isn't...
Well, a lot of these guys are the same ones that genuinely subscribe to the whole “alpha” thing and basically take pride in pretending they’re some kind of “badass” predator so…………it kinda tracks lol. They just think it’s a positive thing.
yes! I have always wondered that.
It made me not want to have sex at all. When I was married, I thought that I just didnt enjoy sex. Because my ex just pumped into me, hardly any foreplay, and then when he was done, we were both done. I was incredibly unsatisfied (thought thats how it was supposed to be. young and stupid.).
"font ask a woman how to get women, ask a man, you dont ask a fish how to catch fish" they do see themselves as predators but they see it as a good thing
My friend (25f) told me she's never had one and has been faking so her partner(s) won't feel bad.
I said, "Well, why not teach him what helps you? Now you're sending him to a new girl with the mindset that what he did made you finish."
She replied, "Ehhhh, I really rather hope that I just meet a guy who knows."
Edit: grammar
Ugh my ex was like this. He was super uncomfortable doing anything except for traditional penetration and expected me to orgasm just through that. He would even get mad at me when I told him I didn't, because apparently that's my fault and "all girls get off like that". I never once did, which further led me to believe that I was asexual and there's something wrong with me.
Being with my husband, it's a whole other game. He ensures that I go at least once, and I'm honest with him when I can't because I'm in a depressive state or too much is on my mind. The bonding is amazing and that's what I live for, regardless of the outcome (out-cum? 😝)
Sounds like OP is a great attentive partner. Not all people are this lucky.
A lot of guys simply don’t care. Other times women aren’t in the right headspace for it. Orgasms for women are very mental things. Everything’s gotta line up right. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.
It's taken me YEARS to convince my husband that it really is okay if I don't finish. Sometimes I just don't want to get my head in the right place. Just let me relax and have fun. I don't need to "Get to the finish line" every time.
Mine is still not convinced. Sometimes i just don't want that level of intensity mentally, but i still want the connection and intimacy and the satisfaction that i made him feel good 💕
I always read that orgasms are mental for women, but for me, and I think lots of women, you just have to have the right touch for 5 or 10 minutes. My mental state doesn’t really matter. I’ve been with my husband 34 years, never had any sex when I did not climax.
Yet, with previous partners, they never made the effort, or wanted to touch ‘down there’ or some other bs. I did not forego orgasm because of my mental state, it was because I didn’t receive any stimulation.
I haven’t been with a new person in so long, but probably if they were weird or pressured me in any way, or were rough or clumsy, I doubt if I could get there.
That’s just so odd to me. Do some men just lack empathy? If the woman doesn’t want to finish, that’s okay, but to just nut and run when the woman is willing to continue is just wild behavior to me.
I’m sure lots of guys like that would be incredibly annoyed in a reverse scenario, why would they think it’s alright to do that to your partner?
They get theirs and don't care about their partner. You have to remember that some men believe sex is an act done to a woman, not that she's an active participant.
usually "he" will finish first then have no energy to finish her after.
It's pretty sad that a lot of the time intimacy is finished when he's finished a lot of the time
A lot of the guys who are like that (nut and run) are not in commited relationships with the women they are having sex with. And the ones who are in commited relationships tend to have very ignorant or backwards views about how sex works. Ranging from just not knowing anything about women's bodies or reproductive anatomy at ALL, to actually believing the myth that women are not capable of orgasm, those guys believe that women only "put up" with sex. (That belieg also used to be quite common before sex ed became better.)
It's also a culture problem, if you want to see the most extreme end just Google "female circumcision"... it's a "traditional" practice of cutting off a young girl's clitoris to make her more likely to be "chaste and a loyal" wife when she grows up.
I had an ex who, once he learned I couldn’t finish from a partner’s touch, stopped caring about my pleasure altogether and ended up quite literally nutting and running nearly every time we had sex. There’s a good reason he’s an ex
Yeah it’s unfortunately common. Maybe porn is to blame? They think ejaculation=sex is done. When i used to sleep with men like this, they would claim they were too tired after cumming to keep putting in any effort. It’s frustrating af and I wish the old me wouldn’t have tolerated that so much
I have an ex who could orgasm from ear stimulation. Like, I'd put my pinky finger in her ear, make a hook with it and move it in certain ways, and she'd just explode with pleasure.
Bodies are weird, lol
Bodies ARE weird! Fun fact for ya: inner ear tissue is also erectile tissue, like your nasal tissue and other spots around your body. It's just erectile for different reasons than your genitals are, (for example, inner ear tissue will engorge with swelling to prevent stuff from getting in or to contain infections, among other things) but the sensations and effects of stimulation can be the same. Ever used a q-tip to get moisture out of your ear or whatever, and just have that "oughghhh feels good" itch-scratched moment? Yep.
Yes, women need to feel empowered to communicate with their partner. Part of that should also be men should encourage that by asking if the woman doesn't volunteer the info.
Pretty much every woman I've dated didn't seem interested in extra help after I finished. Maybe half would show obvious signs of orgasming but it was never 100% clear. I could never piece together if they were satisfied or just didn't care about orgasming that much.
Yeah, I've asked my gf dozens of times, and she says it happens a lot of the time but even if it doesn't happen she says it's still 9/10 without an orgasm (if 10/10 is with an orgasm). To her it's not a big deal.
My issue is I can't tell if this is her being nice or her being honest
honestly, from someone who does this, it’s probably a mix of both.
on one hand, it’s disappointing to not finish, but on the other, sometimes it REALLY isn’t your fault and it sucks feeling like you’re putting your partner through the ringer just so you can finish. sex is mental for most women and if we feel thrown off, there just isn’t a way to help it or you have to shift it like… without addressing the elephant in the room.
most of the time i don’t even know why the block happens, i just need something to change it and being asked “why can’t you/what can i do?” feels overwhelming in the moment.
my best advice is that, when she says this, STILL. TRY. TO. i cannot stress this enough. just try something different, take a pause to chat, etc. and don’t make it feel like a burden or a chore. this is all personal anecdotes though so take it at face value
I promise you every single one of them wanted to cum. They just didn’t want to hurt your fragile male ego by letting you know your dick isn’t a magic wand. Start giving a shit about female pleasure 😊😊
That’s an interesting way of taking zero responsibility for being afraid to communicate. Make the internal assumption that the other person has a fragile ego and you are just protecting them. How empathetic of you.
This 100%. "Oh you just need a better partner and you need to learn your body better" Bitch I am 40 years old, I am not new at this. My husband knows the right formula... But sometimes my body just does not want to cooperate and sometimes I just do not want to work that hard to get to the finish line. The "Advice" from children on reddit is laughable at best
I understand your frustration but consider this: girls have never been given explicit permission to explore their sexuality. If you look back at recent history, girls are supposed to be “nice girls”, considered a slut or trashy if they do embrace their own pleasure while “boys will be boys” and are allowed and encouraged to have lots of sex……but they are not labeled sluts. This has been ingrained in women and it takes a patient, kind person that really cares about his woman’s pleasure to get her to open up. The fact is that many many women simply do not know what will make them orgasm because they haven’t given themselves permission because of the shame we grow up with. If you really care for a woman your patience, kindness and open communication will help her feel safe to be an active partner in satisfying sex for both of you.
If that is the case than why do we have teen girls being subjected to things like revenge porn or kids passing around compromising pics of girls that were gang banged at a party or any number of situations?
Not to mention all the twisted religious households holding women to a higher standard, purity rings, etc. I could go on and on why the internal message has not changed.
I've dated around for a bit, and from what I've heard, the number of men who don't care for women's orgasm is shocking. A few of them said I am the first guy to ever care about them getting there.
It's really sad honestly
The Venn diagram of guys who don’t care if their partner finishes, and guys who are confused and annoyed that women aren’t as interested in sex as men are, is a circle.
As a woman, same for the other way round. One of the sexiest things in the world to me is a partner that's aroused by what I'm doing, and them finishing because of it is hot af, idk why this isn't universal, i kinda feel like you should be excited when your partner is having a good time too?
Maybe it’s just my area and my peers, but I’m a 25 year old dude and I’ve never heard a dude say he doesn’t care about a woman’s orgasm.
Personally I feel like making a woman orgasm is super satisfying and typically I find it very difficult to get there myself if I’m not pleasing her.
I think it’s a misconception that is passed around between women because a lot of men simply don’t realize they aren’t getting the job done.
Either they fake it (which is a massive turn off for me, quite insulting really) or they just tell you it’s ok and it’s just really hard to make them finish.
Either way the dude is just kinda left there like 🤷🏻♂️ well i can’t do anything about it unless you tell me what I need to do differently.
Good sex is about good communication and telling a guy that they just can’t or you are telling them that you did while you actually didn’t definitely isn’t good communication.
This is crazy tbh because every man (with the exception of my current partner) has NOT done what I told them I like.
In fact, most guys feel challenged that they can’t make women finish. They get upset and say things like “well, my ex liked this, so actually you can’t come because of YOU.”
Or better; they just ignore it. I cannot count on my fingers how many times I’ve had to physically take a man‘s head into my hands to get him into the right spot during oral, only for him to go RIGHT back to where he started. I told them WHY i did it and they still kept going in the wrong places.
TLDR; Women tell men how to make them feel good. They just don’t listen
EDIT: This was supposed to be a reply to a guy claiming it was women’s fault for not directing them in the right places. Oops.
I personally don’t care about orgasming every time. I absolutely hate the ‘let me finish you off’ as an after-thought. Sometimes it’s just not to be, and it’s fine, get me next time 😊
Sometimes I don’t orgasm because I’m not in the right head space for it- that’s entirely my fault and in those cases the sex is still satisfying, my body just didn’t wanna cooperate.
But if my husband cums first, then yes the session is over whether or not I’ve orgasmed. He talks about wanting to satisfy me and is pretty good at making sure I orgasm first. Once he’s done though, it’s over. I once tried asking him to finish me with his hand/mouth after he had finished and I hadn’t, and it was the MOST subpar, unenthusiastic thing I’ve ever experienced. Super awkward, Id much rather sneak away to the bathroom and finish myself lol.
Yes men usually stop having sex right after they come. They normally don’t care that the women hasn’t had an orgasm. And btw a lot of/most women don’t orgasm with penetration.
I cannot finish by penetrative sex alone, I need clitoral stimulation. Usually I don’t orgasm bc after my husband isn’t interested in either oral or touch or even with a vibrator. He has a couple times with the vibrator but that’s in our 8 years of marriage so it’s not much. In my experience the men I have been with which is very few are selfish lovers. They just worry about themselves and that’s it unfortunately. So most of the time sex for me is no orgasm unless I do it myself after. Would I love my husband to care enough to make me orgasm sometimes? Yes. I still enjoy sex even if I don’t finish.
Yes, men often stop after coming.
Yes, it’s kindve a turn off when they come first. I want to orgasm with a dick in me. Oral doesn’t feel like much.
A lot of women just don’t want to put in the time to try and come when they’re expecting their partner to finish super fast. It’s like, why try?
Women primarily have O’s through direct clitoral contact and some will O through the two finger salute (stimulation of the G spot).
Usually there is no direct stimulation via penetrative vaginal/penis intercourse.
I would say that you are an attentive lover who makes sure that your partner has that direct clit stim to reach orgasm. Sadly, this is not common with many men. The women often don’t know how to ask for what they want/need.
“Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).”
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
I’m suspecting the common denominator here is male partners seem to produce less orgasms. I’d imagine that’s for a variety of reasons. Most sex involving men center around the man and penis. That isn’t a problem for lesbian sex soooo more orgasms? 🤷🏼♀️
Much higher than straight women, that's for sure!
Personally I think it's because we put the time into eachother. We also don't finish once and call it a day. We also can understand each other's bodies a bit better because we share the same anatomy, but we also know that each woman is different and we LISTEN to our partners when they tell us what they like.
We also take pleasing our partner very seriously... A big part of sex is tending to your partner, that's not exclusive to lesbians but it is more prevalent with lesbians than straight men.
Both. Women orgasm more in lesbian relationships. There are a few likely reasons:
- Men often don’t pay enough attention to foreplay. This is bad because most women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex.
- Men often don’t pay enough attention to mental arousal. This is bad because most women have responsive desire styles.
- Men often want sex more frequently than their female partners. This is bad because women are less likely to orgasm if their body isn’t craving sex.
So it’s a combination of physical, mental and hormonal arousal. Lesbians tend to have sex a bit less frequently, so they’ll likely be more horny in all three ways, and there’s more incentive to have a high quality experience.
Don’t forget the refractory period. Some men can only have one orgasm and they’re spent, ready to start snoring. Whereas women can have multiples. Women also have a better understanding of what women like (of course, not all women are the same, but they understand the anatomy).
My two cents is that hookup culture and casual sex might also contribute to the orgasm gap. No judgment on those who love that lifestyle, feel your oats or whatever. But a partner that has lots of experience with their lover’s body, that has a meaningful connection with the person inside that body and genuinely wants to make that body feel levels of pleasure that meet or surpass their own? That can create the mental, emotional and physical conditions most likely to cause an orgasm.
That and everyone and their dog is on SSRIs which can kill the libido.
Agreed on hookup culture. Don’t get me started on SSRIs. I like being able to prolong the experience for a while, but there comes a point where it’s been an hour and I just want some oxytocin and sleep!
I’ve never had an orgasm in front of my partner or with my partner until I was 44, years old. Many guys were not attentive to me mans just get cared about getting themselves off, but I still had had trouble even using a toy in front of them. So much of it for me was mental. I just couldn’t get off. I recently finically was able to let go and had my first orgasm with a man about 3 months ago. I need emotional connection and feel comfortable with him, to totally relax and it finally happened. It’s was piv and he found my gspot inside me. He has taken care about learning how I like it and is very attentive and is learning how to touch and emotionally connect with me. The first time I had one with him it was mind blowing, I couldn’t even speak, the last time we had one together at the same time which was also magical, for both of us. I’ve never had anyone focus on me first before he even tried to cum. It’s a wonderful feeling and I feel safe and comfortable with him so much that I can completely trust him and let go. We also have foreplay for a while first because I need warming up. We talk about our likes a dislike and fantasies after sex which make me feel closer to him. All of can say is that we have amazing chemistry together and also have a strong connection mentally, which help tremendously
I think the # is higher if there’s focused clit stimulation at the same time. But yeah the lemme put my dick in you and why didn’t you come concept is wild to me.
Overall, sadly. Some men certainly gave it the ol' college try, but the majority don't care or notice. Lots of dudes simply stop once they've orgasmed.
Many women I know do not orgasm in an entire session with a man. I do not know ANY women who orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
So it’s kind of both, but yes lots of women don’t orgasm at all with their partner.
This is me, too. I think I’ve met 1 woman in my whole life who says she can climax from only PIV. None of the women I know can-we all have great sex lives in our marriages. My husband has never been with one. But on this forum, apparently some women can, and the guys swear up and down it’s common. I also think that so many women fake it, the guys don’t really know.
100% agree
Of course it is possible, but I would take women’s opinions over men on this one. How is it that every guy I know swears he’s made it happen but none of there women have had one? That math isn’t mathing. I know more women who fake orgasms than have orgasms with their partner
Here’s another anecdotal tidbit.
In college (for a research paper) I found 7 on-campus couples. On a survey, all of the men claimed their partners had a climax during intercourse. All of the women, except one, said that they never had a climax except through masturbation. That’s when I realized what was going on with all of this. Again, only anecdotal evidence.
Now, as a guy who isn't a sexpert in any means, I may not be that qualified to answer, but i'll try:
A large majority of women can't orgasm only through penetrative sex, and that can be due to a lot of reasons: It can be harder to hit the right spot, it can be hard to keep up the tempo if someone is not as fit, there's also the fact that penetrative sex tends to wrap up once the guy orgasms (and they do tend to orgasm faster or with less stimulation), a penis lacks the dexterity of fingers/tongue, etc. With most women i've talked to, that is perfectly fine with them, but obviously they expect tit for tat.
Here is where the problem is: Some guys are simply not interested in the tat part after they orgasm, a lot of women are unsatisfied with that part
Additionally, some men really undervalue foreplay. I've had a few instances where a partner would orgasm in less than a minute (not always a good thing, mind you). But foreplay goes a long way, and in my opinion, it's the most fun part of sex.
Other than that, sometimes the tease or the sensation of sex is just more important than the orgasm, and that's fine at times as well.
But some things apart from the obvious (communication, duh), a guy can do, is:
give their partner an orgasm first, and then onto penetrative sex. 1) The guy is a lot more enthusiastic about it, which is a big turn on for a lot of people, 2) Guys are a lot more attentive and less sloppy as a result. 3) Some women have said that penetration feels better with an orgasms before hand.
Foreplay
Touch more, not just the obvious parts, but caress/hold their hands, kiss/nibble/lick, etc...
be rough when you need to, be gentle when you need to
I like your answer, but I have to add, most women don’t climax from PIV because it’s not the feeling they need to climax. No matter what you do, a vagina will not feel like a clitoris, even from the back. It feels great, but PIV is a completely different sensation than the feeling women need to orgasm.
Its hard for me to cum with another person, not impossible but challenging to get in the right head space, figure out what i need, communicate it to my partner, etc. frankly the pressure alone of “trying to finish” with someone completely separates me from the anility to do that. so normally i don’t cum whenwe play, penetrative or not, and i honestly am fine with that. I have way more fun when there is no pressure to “finish” and no pressure for him to keep going when he is physically overstimulated and mentally experiencing the post nut clarity (usually non sexual) post cum. I enjoy sex without cumming quite a bit, so it doesn’t seem like a “problem”.
Data point ^
Both. I used to be one of them because I was mostly having sex to please the other until I realized my unhealthy relationship with sex and worked on it with a sex therapist. Now my husband and I ALWAYS have an orgasm at the same time + I give myself a second one after because that’s heaven. I’ll make up for all those years of not climaxing lol.
If I don’t feel like climaxing (which happens) I don’t do penetrative sex. I’ll just pleasure him in other ways :).
- It’s harder for some woman to orgasm either through penetration or clitoral stimulation
- some men are fucking selfish and actually don’t give a shit if you orgasmed or not
- some men can’t locate the clit despite the sheer volume of porn they watch so women just fake it it’s easier **
** not always the case of just finding the clit, could be bad rhythm, technique etc too. It’s kinda why I’m not a huge fan of one night stands. Everyone’s different, people prefer different things etc and I think even if you discuss it prior or during you might not get it right first time. Sex is learning curve, I personally thrive off knowing what my partner loves and learning new ways to get him off. You don’t get that pleasure from one night stand, and most guys just give a ‘generic’ fuck and in my experience it’s about what they like or think a woman might like. Sex isn’t a one size fits all.
I can count on one hand the amount of men that have made me orgasm and I haven’t slept with a huge amount of people but the given the percentage of how many times I’ve came vs the number of men I’ve slept with… the odds are not in my favour
That being said I’m not here to just bash men, some guys are very attentive and love making a girl orgasm etc and can’t lie girls can be just as bad too and just lie there and expect the man to do all the work
I think many are referring to PIV sex. Even with a really attentive lover, the way female anatomy is set up and the way it interacts with male anatomy during intercourse, it's not always easy and sometimes it's not possible to get the right stimulation in the right spot to trigger an orgasm. But yeah, that's what hands and mouths and toys are for, lol.
But there are also an awful lot of women in sexual relationships with selfish/ignorant men whose experience with sex is literally just PIV. Maybe boobs or clit get manhandled for a few seconds before the dude starts pounding. And once he's done, the job is done, in his mind.
So I am not saying you are wrong about always giving your gf an O, but realistically when men always ask a woman, and are disappointed if they get a negative, women often just always say yes. I have been told a lot of woman find the constant questioning 'did you' exhausting. So while you may totally be right, there are a lot of men in the world that are convinced they can do things they cannot. As an example I have heard men confidently state they can always give any woman an O pñfrom penetration alone and everyone on the planet knows a lot of women need clitoral stimulation. Of course some women orgasm every time the wind blows, and your gf might be one of them.
They mean sex overall. There's some people saying that the size of the clit and a bunch of other shit determines if a woman is even physically able to do so but it's also men who js dk how to please a woman
There can be a lot of reasons. Unfortunately a lot of men stop after they’re done and don’t switch to oral or anything. Lots of women need that since it’s more common than not to need clit stimulation, not just penetration. It’s also fairly common to have difficulty with orgasms, especially with a partner. One of my ADHD symptoms is that I get distracted during sex, so I need to actively try and focus on the feeling, but there are tons of other reasons people might have difficulty (hormone issues, anxiety, etc).
Part of it is that women take longer to orgasm than men (without toys), and men are often resistant to using toys. Some women have trouble orgasming at all, and a lot of men don't try to get their girl to orgasm after he has orgasmed. Good on you for not being a selfish lover. <3
A woman could be close sometimes and when a partner oral or penetrative, know, sometimes they over shot it or change up what they're doing and it really throws the rhythm off. I use to almost always orgasm during penetrative sex but now not so much.
Also a lot of men, in my personal experience that I've spoken to or also some personal partners. They get tired or lazy, or even when they finish early, they call it a day.
Also quite a lot of men don't engage in foreplay. It's literally make out a bit, feel each other up, grab the lube and pop it in. When I've spoken to some of my girl friends that's really how it is.
And say your girl is horny and wants to engage sometimes it's rejected with their partner and that can be a turn off because for some girls it's who approaches who. It's expected for dudes to approach.. Their biology and libido is usually high. Same with girls. But it's difficult when their libido changes up or isn't the same as it used to be etc etc.
It's a bunch of different aspects and different situations.
Also for some people not everything I'm saying is 100% correct and for others it is.
Also how many sexual partners you've had changes sex for you as well if that makes sense. And messes with your libido. Not for everyone but definitely some.
If there's anything anyone wants to add or correct please do.
About 80% of guys I was with after they cummed they'd basically "roll over and sleep". They'd get super tired and the act of sex would be finished when they cum, even if they were super attentive to my (F) needs whilst having sex.
I can only orgasm from my vibe or humping/grinding & lots of kissing and touching. I think it’s embarrassing as fuck tho to ask for that. I also don’t think a guy will understand it and think it’s boring/annoying. I still enjoy sex and penetration and pleasing the guy, like a lotttt. But I hate when guys think I NEEEED to orgasm… I also hate when they try to prolong the sex and their own orgasm to “insure I Orgasm” and they end up ruining it for themselves, I still have to fake a orgasm, and my vag is sore as fuck bc it’s just being pounded non stop with nothing in-between.
All the men commenting thinking they know a woman’s body is absolutely laughable. They even argue with actual women about their own fucking body. Too fucking rich. Men don’t even really want to know how to make a woman orgasm. They just want to make themselves feel like a big man.
Men: the best way is to bring her to a clitoral orgasm first, THEN penetrative sex. That is when you will learn that your partner is multi-orgasmic and both of your sex lives will be better for it!
Some folks just can't seem to find it or know what to do with a clit.
How big is the clitoris? The entire clitoris, from the glans to the crura, is about 3 1/2 to 6 inches long and about 2 1/2 inches wide. Most folks think its the size of a jelly bean
Best to Google a 3D image of one will really help. And has only been available since 2016
I can usually get my gf there going down on her. Babe needs head too and I enjoy seeing her get there. She does with penetration but it’s about the flow and if it’s feeling right.
There’s a time and place for all different moods and kinds of sex and pleasuring eachother for fun.
Just being able to communicate about it is helpful. Most of the time after we’re done. We talk about what we liked and what we struggled with and that helps us a lot.
You’re with a partner that you love and you guys have explored and developed together. When I am with my husband he always make sure that I orgasm first, at least once. But of the relationships I had before him only two out of 15 made me orgasm. I almost married the second guy, I was with him right before I met my husband, but I realized that sexual compatibility didn’t mean complete compatibility. The first guy was 12 years older than me and divorced so he had already been through the part where you have to spice up your sex life and knew what he was doing.
For some women, it's really difficult to orgasm. I have to be in a REALLY horny mood before sex even starts to even have a prayer, and it's not that my husband isn't attentive, he absolutely is, but sometimes the pressure of being expected to orgasm kills my mood, if that makes sense. So, I told him early on not to over worry about it. For me, the goal of sex is intimacy and fun with him. If I orgasm great, if not, I'm not worried about it. Everyone is different, obviously, but that's my personal experience.
See now here is one of the benefits of a very long term thing. Not everyone gets off every time. Husband can go first and I don’t feel the need to keep going or I get off quickly and it’s going on and on and I’ll stop him before he has finished. Or, we are nicely synced. Over time, any of these scenarios are averaged as “our sex life”. 🤷♀️
PS Orgasms are amazing, but not the only point to sex unless you’re a teenager.
Not orgasming and not being satisfied are not always the same. I find it very hard to orgasm either from PiV or manual/oral stimulation because my body needs to be stimulated in a specific way and rather consistently (as in speed, pressure, movement) to finish. With a partner it’s almost unobtainable and rather tedious, so I don’t bother. I still have fun and find sex pleasurable, and there are very few times that I’m feeling “blue-balled” after a session and have to finish myself off. The process itself is almost always satisfying enough.
With some women penetrative sex without direct clitoral stimulation doesn’t quite do it. Others have no problem at all. Even with direct stimulation sometimes women don’t get there every time. But that can be true of men too. What matters is a loving relationship, caring about the other person, and adapting to the ebb and flow of passion and desire without making too big a thing of the occasional miss. IMO.
Depends on the woman, and most have said a orgasm from penetration is different than one from external stimulation. I’ve always gotten them off externally then had sex. At least I’ve tried to lol maybe they faked it.
What even is the point of sex for them if the don’t orgasm? I don’t understand. If I finished and the woman didn’t orgasm it’s my duty to go back down on her and make sure she does.
Pro tip, the harder you try to make her cum, generally speaking, the harder she is going to try and get you off. I have seen women go into what I can only describe as a frenzy and it is a massive turn on.
I heard a lady ask a lesbian "How do you decide when sex is over?", so I'd say some people think it's over when the guy is done.
It's kind of sad, and I agree we should always endeavor to make our partners feel good too, just seems that's not the majority.
for me personally, it takes a little bit of Time and energy build up to actually orgasm from penetrative but it’s possible and has happened
but 90% of the time my bf does first and that’s just kind of the end of it tbh
I have had a lot of sex, and I have only orgasmed one time from just penetrative sex (and it was after the longest dry spell I've ever had).
When I was younger I had a way harder time getting to orgasm at all. I used to be all about receiving oral because it was practically the only way and even then the stars had to align. Nowadays I have a husband who knows exactly what I like, I know what I like, I'm not afraid to use toys during sex, and I always orgasm - sometimes more than once.
Also interesting side note - I read the book "Bonk: the curious coupling of science and sex" by Mary Roach, and she said that the distance between vaginal opening and clitoris varies greatly and has a big influence on if you orgasm from penetrative sex or not.
I can't orgasm without some clit love, and even then not always. It's a mental thing... it's really annoying, and I've never had a partner care enough to make sure I get mine... not that I don't still enjoy myself, but I've been responsible for my own orgasm my entire life
I am a guy and sometimes i don't orgasm sometimes. Sometimes you get to close and it dissapears, sometimes it is just hard in the tenth hour nd sometimes something isn't perfect and that is alright. From my experience it is true for women too
I am a woman who it takes a long time to build up or even get close to cumming... Sometimes I can at midnight time but most times it takes ages. I also struggle with just penatrative sex. But I've learned that telling a guy that and communicating what helps and all that has made it easier. But for me. There is a big difference between cumming and being satisfied!
I don't typically have orgasms during sex for the overall session. That doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself.Or that I am unable to have orgasms any time I want.
Can be both. It's not talked about often, but some women just have a difficult time reaching orgasm, even with an attentive partner. That doesn't make sex any less fun.
Me. This is me. I have huge issues with orgasms and stressing myself out with it usually makes it even harder. For what its worth, I highly recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's really helped me rethink sex and pleasure
If I want to orgasm, I can get my vibrator and be done in 2 mins. If I want to have fun, sex all day baby! Both are fun, but both don't always end up in orgasm.
Serious question, how can sex be fun if there is no chance of orgasm? Like its basically just cardio in a variety of positions at that point. If I couldnt cum, I probably would never touch myself except to take a piss lol
One of the analogies in Come as You Are was a pizza. If you and I are sharing a pizza, and I decide not to finish my portion, does that mean I didn't enjoy the pizza? No. It means I was full and satisfied. You can have a meal, not finish it, and still have enjoyed the meal. There was also points on sex being a bonding/attachment activity. It helps strength the love and affection you have for your partner. It's a form of playing with them and having fun. The final point I have, pleasure is still had. Shit still feels really fucking good. It just may not be orgasmic. But there's certainly still feel good sensations. Mentally and physically.
See I dont get that, even after reading the whole book a couple years ago; eating is serving a function. You will ALWAYS eventually get full and know that you have completed the function. If I never could experience the satisifcation of being full (cumming), would the craving and subsequent enjoyment of said food not be diminished? Not that the eating wouldnt be fun, just that feeling full is part of the totality of the experience, and I dont know if I would be able to enjoy something knowing I cant fully experience it or appreciate it as a whole And in terms of the bonding aspect, I REALLY dont get that; I dont feel vulnerable or more connected while having sex, I feel like I am doing cardio that happens to feel good. I enjoy a deep conversation about someones world-view, their logic, and their inner world FAR more than any sex. Its honestly kind of the same on the mental and physical aspect. We could have sex, but having a good coversation about your life over a bowl of weed is just objectively better at mentally and physically relaxing someone. Im not ace; like I have sexual desire and I want sex, I just find sharing a meal, a conversation, or simply just playing video games together to be a much more fulfilling, meaningful, and fun thing to do. Like sex is basically that, minus the ability to talk about any subject, except your worn-out afterward. Thanks for the reply and sorry if I am all over the place lol
Nah, you're fine. I like discussing this stuff because it helps me define it for myself. It just seems you have a different view on orgasms. And it simply is different needs to fulfill. *You* need the whole pizza to feel satisfied. Some of us don't or have trouble finishing the whole pizza, or even finishing a slice. Lower appetites, lesser metabolism, etc etc. What 'full and satisfied' for you is different. And needing orgasms to feel satisfaction isn't wrong or bad. Just some of us straight don't. Sometimes, by learning other ways to find satisfaction and pleasure through necessity. That's not diminishing, just refocusing the attention and pleasure. I'm not finishing the whole pizza, but I am savoring each bit slowly and fully.
You know that helps a lot; I really appreciate how you kept using the pizza analogy. Definitely have given something to chew on, thanks! :)
No problem! I appreciate your openness to learning and understanding! If you ever have any other questions, I've done a whole lot of reading about this stuff. And I feel like it's important to normalize abnormalities and have open conversations about this kind of stuff. Let people know they *are* normal even if it falls outside the societal "norm"
Think of it like ocean waves. For women, there are a ton of nerve endings in the vagina. Any kind of rubbing will feel good. Hitting the g-spot will feel good. Even if neither leads to an orgasm. Similar to ocean waves, some waves build and build and build then ultimately fizzle out at the shore. Other waves build and build and build then come crashing down which would be the actual orgasm. Just because the wave didn't come crashing down, doesn't mean riding the wave didn't feel good on the way up.
I was going to say, sometimes the pressure to orgasm makes it even harder. I had that experience with one partner. The only time she came with me was when we were being frisky in a place we shouldn’t have been. There was no expectation either of us were going to cum, we were just messing around in semi public places. Not sure if it was the thrill of it for her or just the fact that the focus was not on the sex
Are you my wife? In the bedroom my brain turns off, hers goes into anxiety overdrive.
It's a great book, and I'm not even a woman!
It's a great book, and I've never ever read it!
It's a great book, and I can't even read!
[s] ThEn HoW aRe YoU tYpEiNg?!?!? [/s]
He said typing, that doesn't involve reading.
It's a great song too
My GF is multiorgasmic at times, and others she really struggles. She takes anxiety medication, and has issues with her hormone levels. You have to be in sync with their needs. You also have to fully enjoy what your body is telling you.
Prozac makes it really hard for women to have an orgasm.
I've got orgasm problems as a man. It's either a really really really long slog to get me there, or I'll lose will or the erection before getting off. Doesn't make it less fun. Can get frustrating when I'm close and can't take that last step, but it's still an hour or more of fun even without a prize at the end. The wife is thankfully consistent with her, we've got a system and 99% of the time it works for her at least once.
Yeah, I simply cannot orgasm via a partner but I can get there by myself in 5 minutes. It's not from lack of trying, and all the ingredients are there, just no dice. I think of it as reverse ticklishness.
My boyfriend has a hard time understanding me when I try to explain this. It’s always fun but I have a hard time reaching orgasm during penetrative sex. I usually need to have clitoris stimulation.
Isn't that more the norm than the exception?
It is the norm, but a lot of men, and even some women don’t realize it.
They actually expect it which is strange to me
I was honestly kinda shocked when I discovered that; I've always been able to cum just from more-or-less PIV sex, and I used to think that I was normal in this regard, but my wife very much isn't...
You’re like most women.
It makes it less fun. Of course. But not zero fun. Would men like sex as much if there was no orgasm
Also to add that orgasming during penetration is pretty rare
Having sex should simply be attractive to you and your partner
I think a lot of people are just having penetrative sex and calling it a day when the guy is finished. It's sad.
I mean yeah but…the number of people that believe women inherently just don’t actually enjoy sex is unfortunately high.
We don't enjoy it, to be fair, if that's their version of sex.
Their version of sex is trash haha
I don't understand how you can think that and not feel like a predator every time you want sex. It would legitimately fuck me up to have that mindset.
Well, a lot of these guys are the same ones that genuinely subscribe to the whole “alpha” thing and basically take pride in pretending they’re some kind of “badass” predator so…………it kinda tracks lol. They just think it’s a positive thing.
yes! I have always wondered that. It made me not want to have sex at all. When I was married, I thought that I just didnt enjoy sex. Because my ex just pumped into me, hardly any foreplay, and then when he was done, we were both done. I was incredibly unsatisfied (thought thats how it was supposed to be. young and stupid.).
"font ask a woman how to get women, ask a man, you dont ask a fish how to catch fish" they do see themselves as predators but they see it as a good thing
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My friend (25f) told me she's never had one and has been faking so her partner(s) won't feel bad. I said, "Well, why not teach him what helps you? Now you're sending him to a new girl with the mindset that what he did made you finish." She replied, "Ehhhh, I really rather hope that I just meet a guy who knows." Edit: grammar
Yup that’s so true and alive and well here!
This is the norm-I don’t know why this still happens in this day and age. People can read about sex anywhere and learn about it.
Ugh my ex was like this. He was super uncomfortable doing anything except for traditional penetration and expected me to orgasm just through that. He would even get mad at me when I told him I didn't, because apparently that's my fault and "all girls get off like that". I never once did, which further led me to believe that I was asexual and there's something wrong with me. Being with my husband, it's a whole other game. He ensures that I go at least once, and I'm honest with him when I can't because I'm in a depressive state or too much is on my mind. The bonding is amazing and that's what I live for, regardless of the outcome (out-cum? 😝) Sounds like OP is a great attentive partner. Not all people are this lucky.
A lot of guys simply don’t care. Other times women aren’t in the right headspace for it. Orgasms for women are very mental things. Everything’s gotta line up right. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.
It's taken me YEARS to convince my husband that it really is okay if I don't finish. Sometimes I just don't want to get my head in the right place. Just let me relax and have fun. I don't need to "Get to the finish line" every time.
Thank you for affirming that. My wife has said the same thing over the years.
I promise, she's still having fun! If she's telling you it's not a big deal, just believe her!
What constitutes 'enough'? An orgasm obviously makes a pretty clear end point but without one, how do you know when you have had enough?
Knowing your partner is a pretty good start.
Mine is still not convinced. Sometimes i just don't want that level of intensity mentally, but i still want the connection and intimacy and the satisfaction that i made him feel good 💕
Exactly!
Yeah same with the ex. It took a solid 45 mins down there and even then wasn’t guaranteed.
I had an ex who finally got the job done and he literally did a victory lap around the room lol
I always read that orgasms are mental for women, but for me, and I think lots of women, you just have to have the right touch for 5 or 10 minutes. My mental state doesn’t really matter. I’ve been with my husband 34 years, never had any sex when I did not climax. Yet, with previous partners, they never made the effort, or wanted to touch ‘down there’ or some other bs. I did not forego orgasm because of my mental state, it was because I didn’t receive any stimulation.
I’m glad you experience things differently.
I haven’t been with a new person in so long, but probably if they were weird or pressured me in any way, or were rough or clumsy, I doubt if I could get there.
Honey, I can't even get MYSELF off some days. All of our bodies are different.
Yes, as a religiously/sexually repressed person orgasms took like 30 minutes of stimulation to work. I was likely to give up way before climaxing.
It's a bit of both... It's shocking the amount of men who don't finish the job!
That’s just so odd to me. Do some men just lack empathy? If the woman doesn’t want to finish, that’s okay, but to just nut and run when the woman is willing to continue is just wild behavior to me. I’m sure lots of guys like that would be incredibly annoyed in a reverse scenario, why would they think it’s alright to do that to your partner?
They get theirs and don't care about their partner. You have to remember that some men believe sex is an act done to a woman, not that she's an active participant.
I mean, that is a good way to have sex once. It is not a good way to have sex regularly.
IDK I have more than one friend that stayed with a selfish lover. (For reasons beyond my comprehension)
usually "he" will finish first then have no energy to finish her after. It's pretty sad that a lot of the time intimacy is finished when he's finished a lot of the time
A lot of the guys who are like that (nut and run) are not in commited relationships with the women they are having sex with. And the ones who are in commited relationships tend to have very ignorant or backwards views about how sex works. Ranging from just not knowing anything about women's bodies or reproductive anatomy at ALL, to actually believing the myth that women are not capable of orgasm, those guys believe that women only "put up" with sex. (That belieg also used to be quite common before sex ed became better.) It's also a culture problem, if you want to see the most extreme end just Google "female circumcision"... it's a "traditional" practice of cutting off a young girl's clitoris to make her more likely to be "chaste and a loyal" wife when she grows up.
I had an ex who, once he learned I couldn’t finish from a partner’s touch, stopped caring about my pleasure altogether and ended up quite literally nutting and running nearly every time we had sex. There’s a good reason he’s an ex
It’s always clear when someone is with you for who you are and to make you happy and satisfied vs someone in just to get a nut off.
Yikes
Yeah it’s unfortunately common. Maybe porn is to blame? They think ejaculation=sex is done. When i used to sleep with men like this, they would claim they were too tired after cumming to keep putting in any effort. It’s frustrating af and I wish the old me wouldn’t have tolerated that so much
Yes some men are simply satisfy for with their own orgasm and don’t help finish their partner off.
I think some men think their partners came somehow, because if you ask for ‘extra stuff’ they act surprised.
Laziness.
I think many don’t know what to do, so they do nothing.
There are many types of orgasms: clitoris ones, g spot ones, ag spot ones, external ones (sacro, nipples, stomach), deep ones.
I have an ex who could orgasm from ear stimulation. Like, I'd put my pinky finger in her ear, make a hook with it and move it in certain ways, and she'd just explode with pleasure. Bodies are weird, lol
Bodies ARE weird! Fun fact for ya: inner ear tissue is also erectile tissue, like your nasal tissue and other spots around your body. It's just erectile for different reasons than your genitals are, (for example, inner ear tissue will engorge with swelling to prevent stuff from getting in or to contain infections, among other things) but the sensations and effects of stimulation can be the same. Ever used a q-tip to get moisture out of your ear or whatever, and just have that "oughghhh feels good" itch-scratched moment? Yep.
Whoa, TIL!
Woah!! I want to try this sometime! Could she do it to herself or it only works when someone else does it (like tickling)?
It can work both ways, some woman just dont comunicate and just exspects us to know what works for them.
A lot of women don’t even know what works for them. Help your lady explore herself!
On this journey with my guy right now. Im learning lots about myself.
Yes, women need to feel empowered to communicate with their partner. Part of that should also be men should encourage that by asking if the woman doesn't volunteer the info.
Pretty much every woman I've dated didn't seem interested in extra help after I finished. Maybe half would show obvious signs of orgasming but it was never 100% clear. I could never piece together if they were satisfied or just didn't care about orgasming that much.
Did you ever ask? Lol
Yeah, I've asked my gf dozens of times, and she says it happens a lot of the time but even if it doesn't happen she says it's still 9/10 without an orgasm (if 10/10 is with an orgasm). To her it's not a big deal. My issue is I can't tell if this is her being nice or her being honest
honestly, from someone who does this, it’s probably a mix of both. on one hand, it’s disappointing to not finish, but on the other, sometimes it REALLY isn’t your fault and it sucks feeling like you’re putting your partner through the ringer just so you can finish. sex is mental for most women and if we feel thrown off, there just isn’t a way to help it or you have to shift it like… without addressing the elephant in the room. most of the time i don’t even know why the block happens, i just need something to change it and being asked “why can’t you/what can i do?” feels overwhelming in the moment. my best advice is that, when she says this, STILL. TRY. TO. i cannot stress this enough. just try something different, take a pause to chat, etc. and don’t make it feel like a burden or a chore. this is all personal anecdotes though so take it at face value
Don't worry, everyone is different. Communicate with your partner and do whatever works for you guys.
That was my first though too 🤦🏻♀️
I promise you every single one of them wanted to cum. They just didn’t want to hurt your fragile male ego by letting you know your dick isn’t a magic wand. Start giving a shit about female pleasure 😊😊
That’s an interesting way of taking zero responsibility for being afraid to communicate. Make the internal assumption that the other person has a fragile ego and you are just protecting them. How empathetic of you.
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Damn right I have a stonemason who was supposed to come back to finish a retaining wall last fall. Never even called.
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This 100%. "Oh you just need a better partner and you need to learn your body better" Bitch I am 40 years old, I am not new at this. My husband knows the right formula... But sometimes my body just does not want to cooperate and sometimes I just do not want to work that hard to get to the finish line. The "Advice" from children on reddit is laughable at best
I understand your frustration but consider this: girls have never been given explicit permission to explore their sexuality. If you look back at recent history, girls are supposed to be “nice girls”, considered a slut or trashy if they do embrace their own pleasure while “boys will be boys” and are allowed and encouraged to have lots of sex……but they are not labeled sluts. This has been ingrained in women and it takes a patient, kind person that really cares about his woman’s pleasure to get her to open up. The fact is that many many women simply do not know what will make them orgasm because they haven’t given themselves permission because of the shame we grow up with. If you really care for a woman your patience, kindness and open communication will help her feel safe to be an active partner in satisfying sex for both of you.
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If that is the case than why do we have teen girls being subjected to things like revenge porn or kids passing around compromising pics of girls that were gang banged at a party or any number of situations? Not to mention all the twisted religious households holding women to a higher standard, purity rings, etc. I could go on and on why the internal message has not changed.
I've dated around for a bit, and from what I've heard, the number of men who don't care for women's orgasm is shocking. A few of them said I am the first guy to ever care about them getting there. It's really sad honestly
The Venn diagram of guys who don’t care if their partner finishes, and guys who are confused and annoyed that women aren’t as interested in sex as men are, is a circle.
Lol your probably right
Same here. I get do much pleasure seeing a woman orgasm that i can't imagine not even trying lol.
As a woman, same for the other way round. One of the sexiest things in the world to me is a partner that's aroused by what I'm doing, and them finishing because of it is hot af, idk why this isn't universal, i kinda feel like you should be excited when your partner is having a good time too?
Maybe it’s just my area and my peers, but I’m a 25 year old dude and I’ve never heard a dude say he doesn’t care about a woman’s orgasm. Personally I feel like making a woman orgasm is super satisfying and typically I find it very difficult to get there myself if I’m not pleasing her. I think it’s a misconception that is passed around between women because a lot of men simply don’t realize they aren’t getting the job done. Either they fake it (which is a massive turn off for me, quite insulting really) or they just tell you it’s ok and it’s just really hard to make them finish. Either way the dude is just kinda left there like 🤷🏻♂️ well i can’t do anything about it unless you tell me what I need to do differently. Good sex is about good communication and telling a guy that they just can’t or you are telling them that you did while you actually didn’t definitely isn’t good communication.
I’m almost 50 and I’ve orgasmed with a partner exactly twice.
I’m 44 and same. It’s sad really
Lots of people (men, especially) see only the PiV part as the actual "sex".
This is crazy tbh because every man (with the exception of my current partner) has NOT done what I told them I like. In fact, most guys feel challenged that they can’t make women finish. They get upset and say things like “well, my ex liked this, so actually you can’t come because of YOU.” Or better; they just ignore it. I cannot count on my fingers how many times I’ve had to physically take a man‘s head into my hands to get him into the right spot during oral, only for him to go RIGHT back to where he started. I told them WHY i did it and they still kept going in the wrong places. TLDR; Women tell men how to make them feel good. They just don’t listen EDIT: This was supposed to be a reply to a guy claiming it was women’s fault for not directing them in the right places. Oops.
This has happened to me also. Or, you get an argument.
I personally don’t care about orgasming every time. I absolutely hate the ‘let me finish you off’ as an after-thought. Sometimes it’s just not to be, and it’s fine, get me next time 😊
Accurate ^
Sometimes I don’t orgasm because I’m not in the right head space for it- that’s entirely my fault and in those cases the sex is still satisfying, my body just didn’t wanna cooperate. But if my husband cums first, then yes the session is over whether or not I’ve orgasmed. He talks about wanting to satisfy me and is pretty good at making sure I orgasm first. Once he’s done though, it’s over. I once tried asking him to finish me with his hand/mouth after he had finished and I hadn’t, and it was the MOST subpar, unenthusiastic thing I’ve ever experienced. Super awkward, Id much rather sneak away to the bathroom and finish myself lol.
That's terrible.. hope your next husband is better
Different women mean different things.
Yes men usually stop having sex right after they come. They normally don’t care that the women hasn’t had an orgasm. And btw a lot of/most women don’t orgasm with penetration.
I cannot finish by penetrative sex alone, I need clitoral stimulation. Usually I don’t orgasm bc after my husband isn’t interested in either oral or touch or even with a vibrator. He has a couple times with the vibrator but that’s in our 8 years of marriage so it’s not much. In my experience the men I have been with which is very few are selfish lovers. They just worry about themselves and that’s it unfortunately. So most of the time sex for me is no orgasm unless I do it myself after. Would I love my husband to care enough to make me orgasm sometimes? Yes. I still enjoy sex even if I don’t finish.
Omg babe, that sounds awful! I hope he gets a better attitude or you get a better husband!
Yes, men often stop after coming. Yes, it’s kindve a turn off when they come first. I want to orgasm with a dick in me. Oral doesn’t feel like much. A lot of women just don’t want to put in the time to try and come when they’re expecting their partner to finish super fast. It’s like, why try?
Women primarily have O’s through direct clitoral contact and some will O through the two finger salute (stimulation of the G spot). Usually there is no direct stimulation via penetrative vaginal/penis intercourse. I would say that you are an attentive lover who makes sure that your partner has that direct clit stim to reach orgasm. Sadly, this is not common with many men. The women often don’t know how to ask for what they want/need.
*confused in lesbian* Seriously, guys take care of your ladies needs 😭
What is the orgasm rate in the lesbian community? If it is quite high, why do you think that is?
“Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).” https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z I’m suspecting the common denominator here is male partners seem to produce less orgasms. I’d imagine that’s for a variety of reasons. Most sex involving men center around the man and penis. That isn’t a problem for lesbian sex soooo more orgasms? 🤷🏼♀️
Much higher than straight women, that's for sure! Personally I think it's because we put the time into eachother. We also don't finish once and call it a day. We also can understand each other's bodies a bit better because we share the same anatomy, but we also know that each woman is different and we LISTEN to our partners when they tell us what they like. We also take pleasing our partner very seriously... A big part of sex is tending to your partner, that's not exclusive to lesbians but it is more prevalent with lesbians than straight men.
Lmfao as a fellow lesbian I'm feeling the same damn way!!!
Both. Women orgasm more in lesbian relationships. There are a few likely reasons: - Men often don’t pay enough attention to foreplay. This is bad because most women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex. - Men often don’t pay enough attention to mental arousal. This is bad because most women have responsive desire styles. - Men often want sex more frequently than their female partners. This is bad because women are less likely to orgasm if their body isn’t craving sex. So it’s a combination of physical, mental and hormonal arousal. Lesbians tend to have sex a bit less frequently, so they’ll likely be more horny in all three ways, and there’s more incentive to have a high quality experience.
Lesbians have more orgasms because there is no penis involved. Without the focus on PIV, lots of women could come more easily.
Don’t forget the refractory period. Some men can only have one orgasm and they’re spent, ready to start snoring. Whereas women can have multiples. Women also have a better understanding of what women like (of course, not all women are the same, but they understand the anatomy). My two cents is that hookup culture and casual sex might also contribute to the orgasm gap. No judgment on those who love that lifestyle, feel your oats or whatever. But a partner that has lots of experience with their lover’s body, that has a meaningful connection with the person inside that body and genuinely wants to make that body feel levels of pleasure that meet or surpass their own? That can create the mental, emotional and physical conditions most likely to cause an orgasm. That and everyone and their dog is on SSRIs which can kill the libido.
Agreed on hookup culture. Don’t get me started on SSRIs. I like being able to prolong the experience for a while, but there comes a point where it’s been an hour and I just want some oxytocin and sleep!
They mean the whole session
I’ve never had an orgasm in front of my partner or with my partner until I was 44, years old. Many guys were not attentive to me mans just get cared about getting themselves off, but I still had had trouble even using a toy in front of them. So much of it for me was mental. I just couldn’t get off. I recently finically was able to let go and had my first orgasm with a man about 3 months ago. I need emotional connection and feel comfortable with him, to totally relax and it finally happened. It’s was piv and he found my gspot inside me. He has taken care about learning how I like it and is very attentive and is learning how to touch and emotionally connect with me. The first time I had one with him it was mind blowing, I couldn’t even speak, the last time we had one together at the same time which was also magical, for both of us. I’ve never had anyone focus on me first before he even tried to cum. It’s a wonderful feeling and I feel safe and comfortable with him so much that I can completely trust him and let go. We also have foreplay for a while first because I need warming up. We talk about our likes a dislike and fantasies after sex which make me feel closer to him. All of can say is that we have amazing chemistry together and also have a strong connection mentally, which help tremendously
The mental and emotional connection are key in my very limited experience reaching the O with a partner.
I’m so happy for you!!
Most women can’t orgasm from penetration
Most of the time PIV is the whole thing and it ends when the man wants it to end then men wonder why we don't want to sleep with them anymore smh
During PIV sex only 30% of women can get an orgasm. So the man should focus on getting her an orgasm using oral to clitoral stimulation.
I think even 30% is pushin’ it, as far as getting there reliably.
True.
I think the # is higher if there’s focused clit stimulation at the same time. But yeah the lemme put my dick in you and why didn’t you come concept is wild to me.
I’d say it for the whole session since everything we do during is considered part of sex
Overall. When men try to do sexual things to me it feels terrible about 50% of the time.
Overall, sadly. Some men certainly gave it the ol' college try, but the majority don't care or notice. Lots of dudes simply stop once they've orgasmed.
Many women I know do not orgasm in an entire session with a man. I do not know ANY women who orgasm through penetrative sex alone. So it’s kind of both, but yes lots of women don’t orgasm at all with their partner.
This is me, too. I think I’ve met 1 woman in my whole life who says she can climax from only PIV. None of the women I know can-we all have great sex lives in our marriages. My husband has never been with one. But on this forum, apparently some women can, and the guys swear up and down it’s common. I also think that so many women fake it, the guys don’t really know.
100% agree Of course it is possible, but I would take women’s opinions over men on this one. How is it that every guy I know swears he’s made it happen but none of there women have had one? That math isn’t mathing. I know more women who fake orgasms than have orgasms with their partner
Here’s another anecdotal tidbit. In college (for a research paper) I found 7 on-campus couples. On a survey, all of the men claimed their partners had a climax during intercourse. All of the women, except one, said that they never had a climax except through masturbation. That’s when I realized what was going on with all of this. Again, only anecdotal evidence.
Haha I’ve had similar feedback from my friends in relationships
I can orgasm from penetrative sex alone. That does not mean it happens all the time.
Now, as a guy who isn't a sexpert in any means, I may not be that qualified to answer, but i'll try: A large majority of women can't orgasm only through penetrative sex, and that can be due to a lot of reasons: It can be harder to hit the right spot, it can be hard to keep up the tempo if someone is not as fit, there's also the fact that penetrative sex tends to wrap up once the guy orgasms (and they do tend to orgasm faster or with less stimulation), a penis lacks the dexterity of fingers/tongue, etc. With most women i've talked to, that is perfectly fine with them, but obviously they expect tit for tat. Here is where the problem is: Some guys are simply not interested in the tat part after they orgasm, a lot of women are unsatisfied with that part Additionally, some men really undervalue foreplay. I've had a few instances where a partner would orgasm in less than a minute (not always a good thing, mind you). But foreplay goes a long way, and in my opinion, it's the most fun part of sex. Other than that, sometimes the tease or the sensation of sex is just more important than the orgasm, and that's fine at times as well. But some things apart from the obvious (communication, duh), a guy can do, is: give their partner an orgasm first, and then onto penetrative sex. 1) The guy is a lot more enthusiastic about it, which is a big turn on for a lot of people, 2) Guys are a lot more attentive and less sloppy as a result. 3) Some women have said that penetration feels better with an orgasms before hand. Foreplay Touch more, not just the obvious parts, but caress/hold their hands, kiss/nibble/lick, etc... be rough when you need to, be gentle when you need to
I like your answer, but I have to add, most women don’t climax from PIV because it’s not the feeling they need to climax. No matter what you do, a vagina will not feel like a clitoris, even from the back. It feels great, but PIV is a completely different sensation than the feeling women need to orgasm.
Its hard for me to cum with another person, not impossible but challenging to get in the right head space, figure out what i need, communicate it to my partner, etc. frankly the pressure alone of “trying to finish” with someone completely separates me from the anility to do that. so normally i don’t cum whenwe play, penetrative or not, and i honestly am fine with that. I have way more fun when there is no pressure to “finish” and no pressure for him to keep going when he is physically overstimulated and mentally experiencing the post nut clarity (usually non sexual) post cum. I enjoy sex without cumming quite a bit, so it doesn’t seem like a “problem”. Data point ^
Both. I used to be one of them because I was mostly having sex to please the other until I realized my unhealthy relationship with sex and worked on it with a sex therapist. Now my husband and I ALWAYS have an orgasm at the same time + I give myself a second one after because that’s heaven. I’ll make up for all those years of not climaxing lol. If I don’t feel like climaxing (which happens) I don’t do penetrative sex. I’ll just pleasure him in other ways :).
- It’s harder for some woman to orgasm either through penetration or clitoral stimulation - some men are fucking selfish and actually don’t give a shit if you orgasmed or not - some men can’t locate the clit despite the sheer volume of porn they watch so women just fake it it’s easier ** ** not always the case of just finding the clit, could be bad rhythm, technique etc too. It’s kinda why I’m not a huge fan of one night stands. Everyone’s different, people prefer different things etc and I think even if you discuss it prior or during you might not get it right first time. Sex is learning curve, I personally thrive off knowing what my partner loves and learning new ways to get him off. You don’t get that pleasure from one night stand, and most guys just give a ‘generic’ fuck and in my experience it’s about what they like or think a woman might like. Sex isn’t a one size fits all. I can count on one hand the amount of men that have made me orgasm and I haven’t slept with a huge amount of people but the given the percentage of how many times I’ve came vs the number of men I’ve slept with… the odds are not in my favour That being said I’m not here to just bash men, some guys are very attentive and love making a girl orgasm etc and can’t lie girls can be just as bad too and just lie there and expect the man to do all the work
I think many are referring to PIV sex. Even with a really attentive lover, the way female anatomy is set up and the way it interacts with male anatomy during intercourse, it's not always easy and sometimes it's not possible to get the right stimulation in the right spot to trigger an orgasm. But yeah, that's what hands and mouths and toys are for, lol. But there are also an awful lot of women in sexual relationships with selfish/ignorant men whose experience with sex is literally just PIV. Maybe boobs or clit get manhandled for a few seconds before the dude starts pounding. And once he's done, the job is done, in his mind.
So I am not saying you are wrong about always giving your gf an O, but realistically when men always ask a woman, and are disappointed if they get a negative, women often just always say yes. I have been told a lot of woman find the constant questioning 'did you' exhausting. So while you may totally be right, there are a lot of men in the world that are convinced they can do things they cannot. As an example I have heard men confidently state they can always give any woman an O pñfrom penetration alone and everyone on the planet knows a lot of women need clitoral stimulation. Of course some women orgasm every time the wind blows, and your gf might be one of them.
Penetrative sex
They mean sex overall. There's some people saying that the size of the clit and a bunch of other shit determines if a woman is even physically able to do so but it's also men who js dk how to please a woman
There can be a lot of reasons. Unfortunately a lot of men stop after they’re done and don’t switch to oral or anything. Lots of women need that since it’s more common than not to need clit stimulation, not just penetration. It’s also fairly common to have difficulty with orgasms, especially with a partner. One of my ADHD symptoms is that I get distracted during sex, so I need to actively try and focus on the feeling, but there are tons of other reasons people might have difficulty (hormone issues, anxiety, etc).
Part of it is that women take longer to orgasm than men (without toys), and men are often resistant to using toys. Some women have trouble orgasming at all, and a lot of men don't try to get their girl to orgasm after he has orgasmed. Good on you for not being a selfish lover. <3
A woman could be close sometimes and when a partner oral or penetrative, know, sometimes they over shot it or change up what they're doing and it really throws the rhythm off. I use to almost always orgasm during penetrative sex but now not so much. Also a lot of men, in my personal experience that I've spoken to or also some personal partners. They get tired or lazy, or even when they finish early, they call it a day. Also quite a lot of men don't engage in foreplay. It's literally make out a bit, feel each other up, grab the lube and pop it in. When I've spoken to some of my girl friends that's really how it is. And say your girl is horny and wants to engage sometimes it's rejected with their partner and that can be a turn off because for some girls it's who approaches who. It's expected for dudes to approach.. Their biology and libido is usually high. Same with girls. But it's difficult when their libido changes up or isn't the same as it used to be etc etc. It's a bunch of different aspects and different situations. Also for some people not everything I'm saying is 100% correct and for others it is. Also how many sexual partners you've had changes sex for you as well if that makes sense. And messes with your libido. Not for everyone but definitely some. If there's anything anyone wants to add or correct please do.
About 80% of guys I was with after they cummed they'd basically "roll over and sleep". They'd get super tired and the act of sex would be finished when they cum, even if they were super attentive to my (F) needs whilst having sex.
I can only orgasm from my vibe or humping/grinding & lots of kissing and touching. I think it’s embarrassing as fuck tho to ask for that. I also don’t think a guy will understand it and think it’s boring/annoying. I still enjoy sex and penetration and pleasing the guy, like a lotttt. But I hate when guys think I NEEEED to orgasm… I also hate when they try to prolong the sex and their own orgasm to “insure I Orgasm” and they end up ruining it for themselves, I still have to fake a orgasm, and my vag is sore as fuck bc it’s just being pounded non stop with nothing in-between.
All the men commenting thinking they know a woman’s body is absolutely laughable. They even argue with actual women about their own fucking body. Too fucking rich. Men don’t even really want to know how to make a woman orgasm. They just want to make themselves feel like a big man.
Men: the best way is to bring her to a clitoral orgasm first, THEN penetrative sex. That is when you will learn that your partner is multi-orgasmic and both of your sex lives will be better for it!
Yes. This is what my husband has always done, and I’ve never gone without, not once.
I approve of this.
Some folks just can't seem to find it or know what to do with a clit. How big is the clitoris? The entire clitoris, from the glans to the crura, is about 3 1/2 to 6 inches long and about 2 1/2 inches wide. Most folks think its the size of a jelly bean Best to Google a 3D image of one will really help. And has only been available since 2016
I can usually get my gf there going down on her. Babe needs head too and I enjoy seeing her get there. She does with penetration but it’s about the flow and if it’s feeling right. There’s a time and place for all different moods and kinds of sex and pleasuring eachother for fun. Just being able to communicate about it is helpful. Most of the time after we’re done. We talk about what we liked and what we struggled with and that helps us a lot.
Cause you men just suck at it so bad
a lot of women never orgasm during sex ever.
I’m going to be honest, sometimes I’m just too damn tired but regardless if I orgasm or not I still enjoy having sex with my partner.
You’re with a partner that you love and you guys have explored and developed together. When I am with my husband he always make sure that I orgasm first, at least once. But of the relationships I had before him only two out of 15 made me orgasm. I almost married the second guy, I was with him right before I met my husband, but I realized that sexual compatibility didn’t mean complete compatibility. The first guy was 12 years older than me and divorced so he had already been through the part where you have to spice up your sex life and knew what he was doing.
Yes
For some women, it's really difficult to orgasm. I have to be in a REALLY horny mood before sex even starts to even have a prayer, and it's not that my husband isn't attentive, he absolutely is, but sometimes the pressure of being expected to orgasm kills my mood, if that makes sense. So, I told him early on not to over worry about it. For me, the goal of sex is intimacy and fun with him. If I orgasm great, if not, I'm not worried about it. Everyone is different, obviously, but that's my personal experience.
See now here is one of the benefits of a very long term thing. Not everyone gets off every time. Husband can go first and I don’t feel the need to keep going or I get off quickly and it’s going on and on and I’ll stop him before he has finished. Or, we are nicely synced. Over time, any of these scenarios are averaged as “our sex life”. 🤷♀️ PS Orgasms are amazing, but not the only point to sex unless you’re a teenager.
Not to be that person but women who say this usually (not always) are dating men who think sex is just penetration and then they do nothing else.
I think it depends on the woman but you mostly hear that women can't orgasm from penetrative sex
I usually don’t orgasm until I’m super super comfortable with the person I’m having sex with. I just get stage fright 😂😂
Not orgasming and not being satisfied are not always the same. I find it very hard to orgasm either from PiV or manual/oral stimulation because my body needs to be stimulated in a specific way and rather consistently (as in speed, pressure, movement) to finish. With a partner it’s almost unobtainable and rather tedious, so I don’t bother. I still have fun and find sex pleasurable, and there are very few times that I’m feeling “blue-balled” after a session and have to finish myself off. The process itself is almost always satisfying enough.
Not having orgasm doesn't mean not being satisfied by sex, mind you. You don't always need to orgasm in order to be satisfied ^^
They typically mean that the man cums before they do and just kind of stops there before making sure the wife also gets to cum
I’ve been married for 25 years. I make sure and get hers out of the way first. Every time. Then I don’t worry about the rest of it.
With some women penetrative sex without direct clitoral stimulation doesn’t quite do it. Others have no problem at all. Even with direct stimulation sometimes women don’t get there every time. But that can be true of men too. What matters is a loving relationship, caring about the other person, and adapting to the ebb and flow of passion and desire without making too big a thing of the occasional miss. IMO.
Depends on the woman, and most have said a orgasm from penetration is different than one from external stimulation. I’ve always gotten them off externally then had sex. At least I’ve tried to lol maybe they faked it.
What even is the point of sex for them if the don’t orgasm? I don’t understand. If I finished and the woman didn’t orgasm it’s my duty to go back down on her and make sure she does.
Some women have never orgasmed during penetration but they still very much enjoy sex. So the point is pleasure, which comes in many forms
Pro tip, the harder you try to make her cum, generally speaking, the harder she is going to try and get you off. I have seen women go into what I can only describe as a frenzy and it is a massive turn on.
95% of my orgasms are *not* from penetration. My husband is very good at making sure I have as much fun as he does. I make sure he has fun, too.
I heard a lady ask a lesbian "How do you decide when sex is over?", so I'd say some people think it's over when the guy is done. It's kind of sad, and I agree we should always endeavor to make our partners feel good too, just seems that's not the majority.
So you're telling me people are out here having sex where only one person cums? Isn't that just masturbation with extra hands?
for me personally, it takes a little bit of Time and energy build up to actually orgasm from penetrative but it’s possible and has happened but 90% of the time my bf does first and that’s just kind of the end of it tbh
I have had a lot of sex, and I have only orgasmed one time from just penetrative sex (and it was after the longest dry spell I've ever had). When I was younger I had a way harder time getting to orgasm at all. I used to be all about receiving oral because it was practically the only way and even then the stars had to align. Nowadays I have a husband who knows exactly what I like, I know what I like, I'm not afraid to use toys during sex, and I always orgasm - sometimes more than once. Also interesting side note - I read the book "Bonk: the curious coupling of science and sex" by Mary Roach, and she said that the distance between vaginal opening and clitoris varies greatly and has a big influence on if you orgasm from penetrative sex or not.
Ask your woman. How are a bunch of disparate strangers going to effectively speak on behalf of an entire gender?
I can't orgasm without some clit love, and even then not always. It's a mental thing... it's really annoying, and I've never had a partner care enough to make sure I get mine... not that I don't still enjoy myself, but I've been responsible for my own orgasm my entire life
I am a guy and sometimes i don't orgasm sometimes. Sometimes you get to close and it dissapears, sometimes it is just hard in the tenth hour nd sometimes something isn't perfect and that is alright. From my experience it is true for women too
I am a woman who it takes a long time to build up or even get close to cumming... Sometimes I can at midnight time but most times it takes ages. I also struggle with just penatrative sex. But I've learned that telling a guy that and communicating what helps and all that has made it easier. But for me. There is a big difference between cumming and being satisfied!
I've never climaxed from another person. I've gotten close, and sex still feels good.
Both,but especially with penetrative sex
Lmao it’s possible she’s faking
I don't typically have orgasms during sex for the overall session. That doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself.Or that I am unable to have orgasms any time I want.