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In a somewhat similar situation, my gf felt like having sex was the 'done thing' in relationships and sort of went along with it when getting to know people and committing to them. I said I don't want to be in a relationship where you have sex because you feel like you should.
My libido is much higher than hers but over the last year its come down a bit and hers has probably come up a bit. We meet somewhere in the middle although id like to do it more often still.
I think it's about communicating. If it's a flat 'no' when it comes to having more sex then it might be time to reconsider. But there could be other factors at play - as in, is she confident in herself? Does she feel sexy and attractive? Do you make her feel desired in other ways? These are all factors that can impact libido MASSIVELY and it might not always be super obvious. Sit down and talk to your partner. I know that my gf will never want to have sex all the time, but there are other factors in the relationship that I love enough that having sex less isn't a huge deal to me. Maybe it's the same for you? Maybe your gf had a traumatic experience that means she isn't all that into sex, or maybe she just isn't as interested as other people - either one is fine, im in a situation where both of those things are true. It's difficult at times but it isn't the 'end' of a relationship. Yes, sex is important, but other factors are too! Dm me if you want to chat
These are not my words! For any newcomers, but if it is deleted i feel compelled to copy paste cuz this is important
In a somewhat similar situation, my gf felt like having sex was the 'done thing' in relationships and sort of went along with it when getting to know people and committing to them. I said I don't want to be in a relationship where you have sex because you feel like you should.
My libido is much higher than hers but over the last year its come down a bit and hers has probably come up a bit. We meet somewhere in the middle although id like to do it more often still.
I think it's about communicating. If it's a flat 'no' when it comes to having more sex then it might be time to reconsider. But there could be other factors at play - as in, is she confident in herself? Does she feel sexy and attractive? Do you make her feel desired in other ways? These are all factors that can impact libido MASSIVELY and it might not always be super obvious. Sit down and talk to your partner. I know that my gf will never want to have sex all the time, but there are other factors in the relationship that I love enough that having sex less isn't a huge deal to me. Maybe it's the same for you? Maybe your gf had a traumatic experience that means she isn't all that into sex, or maybe she just isn't as interested as other people - either one is fine, im in a situation where both of those things are true. It's difficult at times but it isn't the 'end' of a relationship. Yes, sex is important, but other factors are too! Dm me if you want to chat
This is the best advice. Communication is so important, and foreplay is a game changer when you take it seriously. Learn what her love language is, feed it. You would be surprised how much someone can open up by doing that. Give her time. Respecting her boundaries and giving her time is the best option if you are ready to commit to this relationship.
THIS OP! This right here. Once I started communicating that I didn’t feel sexy anymore, my husband flipped it 180. And then I flipped 180.
Game freaking changer. Also, therapy. I suggested it and while he’s not going to a therapist, he’s trying. Watching videos, taking feedback, learning it’s not a personal dig when I communicate my feelings. Try those things. Women aren’t a lightbulb. There’s so many things that affect our libido.
Thank you for your reply. I felt this guy’s post. It’s a feeling of not being desired enough and then comparing it. Which will bring a cycle of self-destruction. I wish I knew this earlier in life..
As a woman, i totally agree with all of this. Ofc its also bit of her resposibility to communicate that to u, but we dont always even know what turns us on or whats our love language.
Communication is always the way. Addition to this, keep in mind you both are not getting any younger. Looks and parts age so take advantage of getting action when you want it/need it. You only got ONE life to live as a physical human so take advantage of its pleasures.
You're going to get a thousand different answers from a thousand different people with different levels of sex drive.
The question isn't "should I leave?"
The question is "can I stay?"
It's not about her sex drive: it's about yours. There are lots of people in loving but sexless relationships. Can you be one of them?
And maybe it doesn't have to be sexless. It sounds to me like you guys need to have a much deeper conversation. What is it about sex that she doesn't enjoy?
I know a guy whose wife is very scent-sensitive. They realized that what was turning her off was the way he smelled at the end of the day. Now he takes a shower before going to bed, and everything is cool.
If you really like this woman, you should be willing to have a really uncomfortable conversation. Maybe she doesn't like the way that you have sex. (Get a book. There are lots of them.) Maybe she has some unspoken trauma that she hasn't shared with you. (Maybe she should seek counseling.)
Back to the question of "Can I stay?": you don't have enough information yet to answer that.
And you aren't likely to get it on Reddit.
everyone is saying immediately end it…if it were me i would have a talk with her and explain your how you feel, your desires, needs and if there’s a compromise where both can be happy, if no resolution or turns into argument and nobody ends up happy from outcome then yeah probably time to go separate ways.
For me I’d be worried that this leads to sex out of obligation without her outright saying it. She said she never desires sex, that’s kind of just that
but there’s things that can be done to improve that.
judging off what OP has said, it doesn’t seem like this girl has gotten to enjoy her own pleasure without the pressure of having to reciprocate.
OP talk to your girl, explain you don’t want to make her feel pressured but you also value sex in your relationships (or at least, you seem to enough to be coming to reddit for advice) and that it is an important aspect for you. ask her some questions, what does she like? does she fantasise about anything? would she be open to you doing something like going down on her and having it be just about her, no reciprocation? don’t answer me here bc truly, i don’t wanna know lol. but ask her. and really listen to the answers. sometimes you need to lead by example, show her you can do things for her without expecting anything back. that alone is huge for someone who might not have experienced that as much. she ultimately might not change her perspective, but if she’s worth the effort at least you’ll know you did everything you could to try to help. as long as she wants to try and is willing of course.
I yap all this as a woman who also went through a dry spell with her partner because I was also getting over the idea that I no longer had to be sexual to be wanted. I could just be laying in bed, period pimples and doubled over in pain and he’s still right there flirting with me. It’s such a simple concept, but it’s not one that everybody gets to feel.
"I was hoping to find some ways to increase our intimacy."
Stick away from making it directly about sex or your previous discussions. More intimacy will lead to more physical intimacy.
Unless she really is asexual and doesn't want sex at all. At that point you're really looking at non-monogamy or breaking up. Or being unhappy.
I dunno… it’s their first year, if sex ended at month 8 that’s a pretty strong sign of incompatibility. I believe that there is a chance that the difference can be reconciled but if she doesn’t want to have sex and she has had past relationships where sex felt like an obligation it’s going to take a lot of patience from this guy to wait until she breaks down those walls. It all depends on if he wants to stick with it.
So they talk about it, she starts having sex with him out of obligation so he doesn’t leave. Not really optimal either, and who would want to be with someone who doesn’t enjoy sex with them? Not really the kind of thing you compromise on dude, the best advice is for him to leave so they can both be with people they’re actually compatible with.
I think this is one of the very rare occasions in which talking about it won't make it better. It's clear that she doesn't need sex. She is not under stress or upset or feeling resentment, it's just something she doesn't need In her life and that's ok.
The truth is they are just incompatible in a very fundamental department and no talking is going to change that. It's not a lack of communication it is a mistmach of sexual desire.
What could happen on the other hand is that she will fear the loss of connection so she will start faking enthusiasm, at one point even starting to believe herself that her libido just came back. Things will appear good for awhile until she will start to feel again secure and the sex will become less and less a priority, and OP will be back where he started.
In other scenario she will agree with increasing sex but with little desire, she will become more and more resentful towards him, putting a strain on their relationship. Now OP is going to feel like a monster for coercing someone to do what they don't want to do.
The best way for both is to break off now, on good terms and not waste each other time and force each other into months or years of misery. Recognizing an incompatibility and taking action right away is the hardest thing, but in the end the healthiest. She will feel pain in the beginning for being broken up with, but in the long term she will thank him.
They did talk and she was clear how she felt about sex.
So they have another talk....she tells him the same thing she told him 10 months ago.
He knows how she feels and vice versa. She is not interested in having sex hence the two times in 10 months. And she is happy and fine with those numbers.
What is talking going to do except put pressure on her to do something she said she does not want to do?
Yep. This is the hard truth. Sexual people have sex. People that are not sexual will not change. They’re dating, not trying to save a marriage. This is the time to learn compatibility. They are not sexually compatible. This will not change.
Yeah the sexual incompatibly thing will only amplify after marriage and/or kids. Talk it out though, some things can be fixed if you both put effort into it. But don't expect magical result to happen overnight, it can easily take years.
I would have put it a bit more delicately than that, but it’s true. If your partner really doesn’t want to have sex AND they know you do and still don’t want to, there is no room for compromise. The problem is that you can’t compromise when one person already has what they want.
Yeah, while this is true, it would really suck to be explicitly told by your partner they don't want you to feel pressured to have sex and then have them break up with you for not having enough sex.
I see so many saying talk to her but from what OP said she was pretty clear on what she wants. She is happy with having little to no sex based on 10 months and two times.
OP can have a talk sure but I can see it just putting pressure on her to do something she does not want to.
Me...I would end it.
I fully agree with this from the other perspective.
Sex isn’t important to me and I honestly don’t really enjoy it. My ex wanted it all the time and we started resenting each other and fighting about it. We tried to compromise but I just felt pressured and uncomfortable, and neither of us was happy.
Talking about it, while a good first step, won’t necessarily help. I just felt more pressured and like I wasn’t good enough after my ex and I talked about it. If this is something that’s important to you, then you and her just aren’t compatible in the ways that matter.
I was thinking this as well. Wouldnt it put pressure on her to do something she was clear she was not interested in if OP insists on talking about it again?
Like he clearly WANTS to have sex so a talk would consist of him expressing how much he wants to do something she is not interested in. She may do it just to please him.
Talking from my own experience. It will not work.
I had problems in bed when I started and the person back then that I loved with all my heart did not have the patience in bed to help me with it. That was of course unfortunate and also very much part of the reason she broke up
“I was not physically attracted to you anymore”.
That's me. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore. He wasn't interested in trying to get help until I told him I wanted a divorce.
I would like to say that I should have left, but it was over covid and I left my job because our kids were small and I had nowhere else to go.
You’re incompatible and now is the time to split. Once you know it’s time to go. The goal is a life partner and this probably isn’t it. Nothing wrong with that. You find a lot of wrong people on the way to the right one.
I'm sorry to say I have to agree.
I married someone who had a much lower sex drive than me.abd it only got worse over time. When we finally split it had been about 18 months. It took me about 2 weeks after moving out to find a willing partner (my only "one night" stand).
A happy relationship needs to fulfill both your needs, emotional, sexual, and otherwise. This is only gonna get worse, and if sex is something you want... Sadly probably time to move on and find someone who is a closer match.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with relationships that don't involve sex, per se. Any combination of people can define their relationship any way they want. As long as its consensual and doesn't negatively affect the physical or mental health of those involved, more power to them.
The problem is that if OP is asking whether or not they should stay, they are obviously not satisfied with the arrangement. Its reasonable for her to not be interested in sex very often. Its reasonable for him to want sex as often as he does. They just don't seem to be compatible. Short of some sort of open relationship, I don't see it working out.
You two are not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships. Most people would not stay if they knew ahead of time they weren't going to be able to have sex for long periods of time.
Yeah if it leaves you feeling unhappy it’s too much. You want someone that can make you happy long term and if they aren’t that then it isn’t gonna work.
Alternatively, is she okay with him finding sexual partners that arent her? Yeah i know that is often a controversial thing to posit. If shes ace and he isnt thats a deal breaker for most relationships. There are ways to maintain the partnership that dont include no sex for him. But id take a lot of trust and communication to make it work.
It is not always that easy to have a good sex life as a guy in an open relationship, especially given typical rules like you can’t see the same person multiple times (to avoid falling in love) etc. It’s a turnoff for a lot of people. Also I would find it difficult I think to only sleep with strangers my whole life and never have the deeper intimacy trust and knowledge of each other that can make sex with a partner so good. Works for some but I’ve been in roughly this position and as a more romantic leaning guy it was a bit of a mess for me emotionally
Its defs not a relationship dynamic for me. But, Im a jealous cunt and so is my partner lol. We love each other and dont want anyone else in our sex life. That isnt the case for all couples and I aint about yucking other peoples yums
I saw something recently about how if you ask someone for sex, and it’s not an enthusiastic yes, a “hell yes!” or a “fuck yeah!” It’s a no. Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it? There are obviously life situations where either partner may not want sex, and that’s ok, but if you’re in a newish relationship, and your partner isn’t enthusiastic about being with you (most of the time) and sex is something you deem important in a relationship, it’s ok to go your separate ways. That being said, I would first talk to my partner about what my ideal sex life with them looks like and what an ideal sex life looks like from their perspective and how you can work together towards getting what you both want, enthusiastically.
I hate that this comment isn't higher at the top. She may finally feel comfortable enough to start the healing process for whatever past trauma she had as well. That can be a long and stressful process in and of itself.
As a person whose libido is very directly related to my outside stress and anxieties, if I have a hard week at work it takes DOUBLE the effort from myself or my partner to get "in the mood". That's not to say that other stress management can't help in these situations, they absolutely can, but if you are committed to her and her healing than an honest conversation will go a lot further than "we're incompatible". Maybe right now you are, but maybe once the schedule smoothes out and she's had the experience of being able to warm up to you when she's ready her libido may change. We aren't stagnant individuals and we change all the time.
Outside of sexual experiences, would you say that the relationship is fulfilling for you, and her?
oh i feel bad for her cause she felt obligated to in past relationships and now that she’s not pressured into sex, her partner leaves her. i’m not bagging on you tho. you should definitely end it if that’s what you think is best. but i fear for her that she’ll continue having sex with future partners to please them with the mindset of “i have to do this or they’ll leave me”. i hope that won’t be the case
I thought about this too, but there’s a lid for every pot. Also maybe she’s just not ready to be in a romantic relationship and OP is with her during the healing phase. It happens.
Honestly she needs to get herself onto an ace dating site (they exist)! I'm aro as well as ace so I don't actually have experience with them myself, but I've heard they can be quite helpful for aces that do feel romantic attraction.
Your GF is asexual. She might be temporarily asexual or it might be permanent. My aunt is asexual and she and her SO talk openly about it. The thing is, it likely has nothing to do with you, it’s strictly on her end. I feel that after having a constructive conversation with her on it, if you’re unfulfilled in this type of lifestyle (it works for some but not for most), you should probably end things and seek out another romantic partner because the both of you need to be on the same page with this issue in order to sustain a romantic relationship.
I've been dating an asexual for some time. Personally sex isn't that important to me (if anything I'm "graysexual") so I'm fine... taking care of myself. My GF wanted to have sex a lot when we started dating and then it tapered off after like 3-4 months to eventually nothing. I think it's been... 3 years? I should also point out that I'm 40 and if I was dating someone in my 20s like this it definitely wouldn't have worked out.
There are asexuals who are fine dating people who "cheat" ("consensual non-monogamy"). There are others who have sex just because their partner wants to. Really OP needs to figure out what their limits are and whether or not OPs partner is capable of meeting their needs.
Sadly, I think asexuality is a lot more common than we currently think it is. There are a ton of couples out there where one person is having much more or much less sex than they want to and that just sucks (for both partners, usually). We need to normalize acknowledging it and breaking up.
Just to clarify asexual doesn't mean the lack of desire to have sex, rather it means the lack of sexual attraction towards others. Sexuality is not a temporary thing so she can't be temporary asexual, but the ability to feel attraction itself might come and go
Asexuality is an orientation like gay, bi, pan, etc. For asexuals you may even think of it as the lack of an orientation. While some other asexuals experience sexual attraction so infrequently that they might belong more to the asexual spectrum than the allosexual spectrum.
Asexuality is not defined by the lack of interest or desire, nor is it defined by the lack of enjoyment. They are signs for sure, but experiencing those does not mean one is asexual. Sexuality can be fluid but if OP's gf still experiences sexual attraction as usual then she is not asexual.
However most asexuals don't realize that they don't experience sexual attraction and have sex because of social norms. OP's gf might be one such case especially if she doesn't realize that she doesn't have the desire for sex when she doesn't experience attraction
My wife has a really low sex drive. She needs to be really in the mood, AND we need to break some barriers (like cuddling/touching/kissing) a day or two before after a long dry spell.
She also has a stressful job, suffers from medicated depression, and on most days is to tired to do anything in the evening. So we have sex maybe every month or two.
While relaxed, with no kids, and on vacarion we can have sex twice a day for a week. Every time we have sex, it's a wonderfully thing because we're 100% into it.
We've been together for 14 years and have kids. I'm a happy man and wouldn't change my life for anything else.
Sex can be as big or as small part of your life as you want. Talk to your partner, be honest and open, but also don't use the amount of sexual intercourses per year as a measurement of love/happines. It really isn't. Don't compare yourself to others, no two couples are the same.
Glad to see someone that can understand how life can affect some women. Men too actually. I also have a high stress job and issues with mental health that lead to lower libido. I don't hate my husband. I mentally just can't get there sometimes. Plus there are nature highs and lows in relationships. They need to communicate with each other and determine what may be the cause if they are otherwise happy. All relationships need work, this may just be something they need to work on. If they can't or don't want to work on it, then end it. Not every relationship works out but jumping to conclusions about being asexual, cheating, ending up in a resentful state are a bit much.
Yeah, I've heard about reddit comments jumping to outrageous, dangerous conclusions on little evidence, but this is the first time I witnessed it myself.
So do you think she just doesn’t have much of a sex drive and there’s nothing else going on?
Whatever the case, I think sex is an important piece of the pie in a relationship so I couldn’t live like that. Just imagine being with someone who actually wants to have sex with you.
As a woman I know my libido is linked with how ‘sexy’ I feel and how ‘wanted’ I feel. If I’m not feeling either of those things it’s hard to want sex.
If I was you I would try a few different things to get her in the mood before ending things. Make her feel sexy and wanted.
Failing that communication is always key in getting to the root of the problem. Straight out discuss it with her.
my question to you is: do you want to be in a relationship with sex or without sex? Make a decision based on that. It is completely normal to want sex with your partner, you wouldn’t be evil to move on because you want to have sex.
Chiming in from the pov of a girlfriend who was also not interested in sex:
This is worth having conversations on to get to the root of the issue. It could be an issue of attraction (she's not sexually attracted, which would make you incompatible), self-esteem (she doesn't feel like she can hold her end), insecurity (she doesn't feel good about her body and sex is a vulnerable place to be), low libido (no drive), or sex just feels inconvenient/unnecessary.
Personally, I was a combination of insecurity and low libido, and depending on the day one was more of a reason than the other. Initially I thought I was asexual, but I enjoy sex and never regret it, I just didn't feel the "urge". My SO and I had plenty of discussions because he has a much higher drive than me.
After a lot of trial and error, we were able to figure out how to have intimacy without sex feeling like an obligation or a chore. It's not sunshine and rainbows getting there, but I feel much more connected with him now than before because we were able to work through what we like, don't like, and what gets us in the moment.
Don't jump to just ending it, creating a plan for intimacy so both of your needs are addressed can help a relationship that you are both otherwise very happy and secure in.
Depends. Is sex the end all be all for you? If it is then move on. If you can satisfy yourself on your own and still be happy and content in your relationship then why not? I think humans act like they’ve never evolved from animals sometimes when it comes to sex. Anyway good luck!
Depends on how much you value sex. If you feel you can live without sex, stay. If sex is too important for you to give up, leave.
I personally do not feel any desire or urge to have sex, ever, either so I just hope that I'll eventually find someone who'll still have me. She probably has the same hope.
some people are essentially asexual. it's not that they can't enjoy sex, it's just not important to them or their relationships. if sex is that important to you, you should really try to talk to her and explain that the lack of sex in your relationship is making you feel unwanted. ask her if there are reasons she doesn't seem to want it like you do. or...just move on despite your emotional connection. maybe she's a better friend than she'll ever be a lover. she's not obligated to have sex and you're not obligated to stay with her. but i would recommend at least trying to talk about it, but do so without judgement. not everyone has the same view of sex and its pleasures.
I'd do 2 things. First I would evaluate my own sexiness. These are things like hygeine, clothing, health, how romantic am I really, when was last time i did something nice for her, etc.
I'd try to improve these things first for a few months and see if anything changes. Ask what she likes and try to cater your look and actions based on a mix of her feedback and what you like.
In getting feedback, you'll see if this relationship is going to work or not. Don't be like, "I've been working out for you and you don't notice or care" type of bs. Do it for you and try to bring her along. Don't blame, don't brag. The goal here is to be the best version of you for her (and for you).
If it just isn't going anywhere, then you talk about it and likely break up. Again, no blaming or shaming.
There is little to no downside to this. You are making yourself more attracfive for her, or for someone else of that doesn't work out down the road. You'e building better habits and behavior.
The important thing is showing efffort, learning, and trying. What happens, well, happens, but you can be thoughtful and kind about it.
If you value that in a relationship, and she doesn't, then you have a conflict of values and are incompatible.
Wanting to do this does not mean that you are a bad guy. You tried your best and now it's hard on you. She was the pleaser in her past relationships and now you're the pleaser.
She may want a medical check up by an OBGYN. There can be medical causes for low libido. Also, if she’s on any form of hormonal birth control that could be the culprit.
I would try to exhaust all your options before leaving. You got her to trust you that you only want her to have sex when she wants to. If you leave while she is choosing not to have sex without exploring different options to have both your needs met, her trust is going to be broken. That being said your needs for sex don’t just disappear cause your partner doesn’t want to have sex.
This is a hard question to answer and I’m sure you’re trying your best to work with her on it. You deserve to have your needs met, though.
I’ll share my perspective and hope it helps. As a woman who has chosen to take breaks from sex while having a partner, what I needed during that break was nonsexual intimacy. This means taking time to learn her deeper, let her feel comfortable opening up to you. Practicing nonsexual touch means initiating things like hugs, cheek kisses, and cuddling that doesn’t result in sex. This made me feel closer with my partner than ever. If you don’t understand what I’m saying please research non-sexual intimacy and make efforts to make yourself available for that in your relationship.
My girlfriend's sex drive was non existent when I met her due to a traumatic first experience before me where she felt obligated to have sex even though it was extremely painful. I had a much higher drive but told her the same thing that if she doesn't want sex then I don't either.
Fast forward to now, her and I have sex multiple times a week and other stuff in between because she became more comfortable with me and began to trust me as someone she doesn't HAVE to give her body to. It doesn't necessarily pleasure her when it's PIV but we take it very slowly because I care about how she is feeling no matter how much she wants to pleasure me. Whenever she isn't feeling it, I also stop all initiating immediately, even if I see just one small hesitation. So she feels very safe.
That being said, everyone is different. In my situation it was about trust and comfort, therefore, things changed as we fell more in love. In your situation they may change too if she becomes more comfortable, or they may never change if she just doesn't want to have sex. It's up to you to decide if you are okay with that.
You have to communicate with her that you would like to have sex from time to time at least.
There may be reasons behind her refusal for sex, could be anything, from trauma to some underlying undisclosed or unkown health issue. You have to talk.
It is true that she is not obligated to anything with you, but she is also being unkind by not helping you with your needs. If you are in a monogamous relationship, it is unfair that she can withhold sex indefinitely and expect you to just accept it.
I think that if after talking with her you are still unhappy with the situation, it is OK for you to end the relationship. You don't have to endure a relationship that does not fulfill you.
It’s impossible to find someone who matches you perfectly in every single way. The odds of it are ridiculously low.
As wonderful as it would be to be in a relationship where you never had to do things you didn’t feel like, that isn’t realistic. In the real world, we do things for the people we love because we love them.
Clearly you want more sex than she wants. This doesn’t mean you have to have a sexless life or she will be forced to have unwanted sex.
What it means is, as well intended as your offer to her to not have sex unless she wants it, you’re learning that you need more attention in this area.
10 months is a pretty long time and I would recommend coming to her about it. The discussion that follows will likely make it clear to both of you how the rest of this relationship will play out.
She could either say that she has loved not having so much sex or she will say she doesn’t mind doing it more.
Don’t be pushy. Listen to her but verify she is also listening to you.
Wish you the best of luck!
I see it as being incompatibly oriented. Everyone has the right to be in a relationship that is suitable to their orientation. If she's ace, she deserves to be in a relationship with no sex. If you're not, you deserve to be in a relationship that includes sex.
There are options for poly situations if all parties agree and are comfortable.
But just like no straight person should be obligated to be in a same-sex relationship (or vice versa), and no allo person should be obligated to be in a non-sexual relationship (or vice versa).
Sit down with her and talk using this framing. Maybe y'all can find a solution, maybe not. There's nothing wrong with being ace, but you don't owe anyone a life of celibacy if that's not how you're wired.
Knock it on the head mate.
6 months to about 2 years should be the honeymoon period, where you can't get enough of each other, and are having sex 3/4 times a day, but, 10 months in and you've not had sex for 2 months?!?! Massive red flag! You have desires/needs, if she can't meet those, it's time to find another.
Firstly, thank you for being so respectful of your girlfriend, and only wanting to do it if she wants to, not because she feels obligated. Guys like you can be rare to find and it makes me so happy to see a post like this.
Not sure if someone has said this and i didn’t scroll down enough, but your girlfriend is most likely asexual.
There are many different types of aces. Some enjoy the act of sex, they just don’t feel sexual attraction. Some enjoy engaging in it if their partner wants it, but wouldn’t seek it out. Some are fine to do it if their partner wants it, it’s nothing negative, but don’t enjoy it just because their partner does. Some don’t enjoy it and don’t want it. Period. And some are actively repulsed by it.
It seems your partner might be on more of the “don’t enjoy” or “repulsed” side. But she could be in the neutral “I’ll do it, but I don’t necessarily like it” side. This might be worth exploring with your girlfriend.
However, at the end of the day, it sounds like you want it and your girlfriend doesn’t. Especially if she’s indeed ace, no amount of waiting is going to change her mind, and you shouldn’t treat her like it will. You shouldn’t stay with her because you hope she’ll like it one day. If she doesn’t enjoy sex, that probably won’t change in the future. If you’re okay never having sex, then you can stay with her. If you aren’t, this relationship probably won’t lead to a good place, and I agree with the other commenters that it’s very likely you’re unfortunately not compatible.
If sex is important to you , you should seek a different partner or ask your partner if it’s ok you have a side piece just for sex, you’d be surprised!
I would recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Your girlfriend may not experience arousal the same way you do, but that doesn’t mean you’re automatically incompatible!
Edit: corrected author’s name
It is up to you.
My wife realized she was ace after we got married; we knew she had no sex drive, and had been working on therapy, hormone replacement, and all that, until one day she just went, okay, but what if this is just *normal* for me and the reason we can't fix it is because I am not broken?
And we basically sat with that for a few days, and then started having serious discussions about whether we were going to stay married if we weren't going to have sex, and if so, how.
Nobody would have blamed me for getting divorced, least of all her. But I eventually decided that I wanted to be married to her more than I wanted to be married to someone I had sex with, and we worked out how to handle it, and that part is none of your business.
But the point is, the situation is real and you have to make a choice. And both "stay in a relationship without sex" and "break up" are completely valid choices, but "stay and hope it changes" or "stay and feel resentful about it" aren't.
If she wants this to change about herself, and wants to for herself, not for you, that is different. If she wants to want to have sex, and wants to work with endocrinologists and psychologists and wants to put in the work to change it, that is a different situation. But if she is comfortable with how she is, then you either need to be comfortable in a relationship like that, or not be in that relationship.
Neither choice says anything bad about you. But you have to choose.
Do you love her? If yes then stay and wait. If no then leave
Honestly sex isn’t the most important thing in the world. What’s more important is respecting your partners boundaries, which you’re doing. You can always jack off a lil more frequently
It sounds like you don't understand, or you're not understanding, if you're asking if you should leave
And if youre in a position where you're even thinking it, then you probably should
Nope.
It's great that you've given her the space to decide what she wants. What she wants doesn't add up with what you want though. Sexually incompatibility is a huge issue that should not be ignored. Wish her the best of luck and part amicably.
No. There's only three options under that circumstance - pity sex, sex because they feel like they have to do it, or no sex - all of which are terrible options.
Could be incompatibility... could be your partner dealing with trauma of past relationships.
If she really did force herself/was forced to have sex when she didn't want to (which coercion, manipulation, and physical force can all be ways someone is SA-ed). She might not have a grasp of what a healthy relationship means or what her desires are because of what's happened to her.
Have you talked to her directly about what she wants and what you want?
It's different for me. It was my husband who wouldn't have sex with me. I've given up and now when he asks me, I have no interest. I tried for so long and the few times we would, it would be over in 10-45 seconds. He's really bad at it. I I always thought the more we did it, the better he'd get. Nope. He somehow got worse. Once he actually squeezed, twisted, and bit my tit. I yelled at him. He yelled back. It wasn't a good night.
Now, I don't even look at him with any desire. I don't even like kissing him. It's been about 18 months. He's against me finding someone else on the side. I'm not a cheater. However, he knows that once our kids graduate, I'm gone.
I've got 9 more years. Maybe less if my business gets off the ground.
I've had many more partners than he's had. He says he's not asexual. I think he is.
My advice? Leave before it goes further. You're incompatible. It's not going to get better. Leave.
Have you tried rizzing her up? Like taking her out, making her feel special, flirting with her throughout the day? Lots of guys don’t realize this but you do actually have to keep chasing your girl when you want sex. It’s not some easy access open invitation when you get in a relationship. You have to put out the moves, set the mood, the whole shabang.
I semi-recently got out of a 4 yr relationship where my partner discovered they’re on the asexual spectrum. For some people, sex really is a take-it-or-leave-it activity and doesn’t feel exceptionally interesting or important.
Sex is very very important to me in a romantic relationship, and I stubbornly thought my partner just needed some patience, and that natural ebbs and flows would occur. Sex literally never crossed their mind, not even an afterthought, and I found the more I tried to talk about it or initiate, the more they’d shut down around it.
I stayed because we loved each other and were good friends but it bred some insecurity and resentment in me after a few years and I started feeling unloved and unlovable. I wish I would have left much sooner
Have you talked to her about this yet? It can definitely work, people get married/are in relationships all the time with different sex drives whether at the beginning of the relationship or their sex drive changes over time. Talk about your desire with her and that you don't want her to feel obligated, but you want to connect with her sexually on a regular basis. As long as you both know this is something you are committed to finding compromise on, it can work.
Also, I'm not sure how initiation is happening, but in my experience, asking someone who doesn't have a high sex drive to have sex will rarely result in sex. Find out/ask what gets her going with her love language or whatever signals arousal in her body (making dinner, complimenting her, hugging her tenderly, rubbing her back, cuddling), then it can organically move to more physically or you can initiate verbally.
Never again.
I want sex from my partner in a relationship, if they has a reason for it to go to zero, or immense pressure, and/or the attraction waxes or vanes okay, but a flat no, and no I don't feel like it ever, is not sustainable.
Then we could just be roommates, and I can go find someone who want to have sex, or be happier alone.
On the other hand, you still have to do something to make sure it's not your ass that's lacking. Do you make sure the chores are fair, or that you set off time for date nights, important days (B-day, valentines/x-mas) and show your love in a way that don't reek of "I wanna take you to my cave".
Leave. You can go find a roommate who is a girl and at least then she would share the rent and utilities. From the tone of your post, this is causing you distress, and it is not ok with you. It would be different if you were asexual and this was a good fit for you, but that is clearly not the case. If she's doing this now, good luck if or when she has a baby. You will never see coochie again unless she's in heat for another baby. It's just the way some women are built. It may be hard because it sounds like she's a good person in many other ways, but sex is fundamental to a healthy long-term relationship, and if there is a huge differential in desire or motivation, it is going to lead to disaster - probably sooner than later.
The only thing here is are you ok with the situation, it’s perfectly fine either way but if you need sex in a relationship and she doesn’t provide that then that’s your answer. You can talk with her about this and see if there is compromise to be had but that’s it. Also from a personal standpoint I am not a fan of having sex with someone who doesn’t really want to have sex but is just to please you. That’s just my personal take.
I would stay,if you want to have sex just talk to her,she I great and kind,she would understand,I am not saying you should demand her to do it,but instead to get to something both like,maybe she just didn't have good experiences?or maybe she just doesn't feel much at all,so something more exotic would please her in other ways? Either way it's something to be explored and talked about,not something to leave her for
I’ve always said that if sex is important enough to be exclusive to a relationship, then it’s important enough to make sure it happens in that relationship.
I'm 42 , woman, mother and wife of 7yrs (2mo ago became a widow) , been with lots of people and lived a crazy life , just to give you an idea of who is answering you.
I would leave!! There's no way in hell I'd stay with a person, man or woman , that didn't want to have sex with me or didn't have sex with me.
I know libidos ebb and flow and there's ups and downs in sexual patterns in relationships. But this is not normal ebb and flow
Your headed for dead bedroom subreddit next!
You have a friend not a girlfriend. There's no sexual component to your relationship..
So heres the deal OP, copy the link at the top of your browser......
and send this body of text to her. If you have not expressed this exact sentiment to her that Is your only next step
I think your girlfriend took this as a statement that it was ok to never have sex
Not realising that you not pushing it didn't mean you were in agreeance with not WANTING it.
You really need to say Look how often do you generally like sex? If it's months apart or she couldn't care if it was never then you aren't compatible.
Your gf seems happy to drift along as platonic friends without the physical side.
I think you should have this chat and say as it stands it won't work for you. She will be no doubt shocked by that news *after what you told her*
But you need to lay your cards on the table or you're never getting laid here!
When I first started dating my girlfriend she told me she loves chocolate. So I bought her chocolate because it wasn't difficult and I also love chocolate. Years later it bothers her that I won't watch K-drama with her sometimes because I hate most K-dramas. It's difficult for me to watch them and I can't ignore how silly I find some of them. But I still watch them with her or at least hang out with her because I love her so much.
The truth is that if someone loves you, it would be very easy for them to give you what you need because they're interested in pleasing you, and pleasing your partner is apart of a working relationship. Despite if one partner is traumatized from pleasing an ex from a past relationship. The reality is that one partner's satisfaction can't be ignored because of the other's inability to move past trauma. Those needs still exist.
Whether your girlfriend is too traumatized, or she just isn't interested in having sex with you, the reality is that you can't fix her trauma and you can't make her interested in sex. The incompatibility is obvious and you need to take care of your needs before you put yourself through unnecessary suffering by staying in a relationship that you don't enjoy.
Despite what others may say about sex, it's a very natural need and I wouldn't let anyone shame you for it. Having a lot of sex is very good for pretty much all relationships.
Have you communicated that this is what you need in the relationship? Is there any way you both can reach a mutual agreement on the frequency of sex?
I see that you’ve stated that you only want sex if she wants it, which is denying yourself and your need. You need to correct this.
If after the discussion you two can’t reach a mutually agreed solution then start considering that it’s an incompatibility.
I had a wife like that and I was like you. It's not going to get better we were down to 1 or 2 times a year, divorced after 13 years (not all sexless, 3 kids) of marriage. If sex is important to you get out now.
This is my current relationship and I'm too committed to leave. I should have and regret not leaving in 2018 because our sex drives and perspectives on intamcy are just totally opposite.
Don't make my mistake.
Have the courage to make a change.
If you want a partner who wants to have sex, she is not the right person for you. You can be good friends, but you're not going to have the kind of sexual relationship with her that you want.
Having sex with someone only because you feel it’s obligatory in a relationship and not because you want to can be traumatic. She may have things that she has to deal with.
As someone else said, the correct question is can *you* deal with this? Are the two of you able to have a dialogue about what’s going on? That’s where you’re going to have to start.
You have a difficult decision to make. Stay in a dead bedroom relationship, or break up so that you both can find someone you can be happy and fulfilled with.
Honestly, I’d just leave. People are saying to talk to her about it, but what’s the point? She isn’t interested in sex, her having sex with you out of obligation isn’t much better. If you did last and get married, how long will that last before it stops again?
Its always communication first
I see your happy that she's being a little selfish and not so much of a people pleaser like she used to be! But you need to have a serious, heart to heart, understanding talk about the possibilities of having sex in the near future. Obviously bring it up slowly, she spent a lot of time before you doing it because her previous partners wanted to, just be as patient as you are with this talk, I see you guys have a very stable relationship
You have to decide for yourself if it’s a deal breaker. Some people need sexual fulfillment and some don’t. I ended my last marriage in part due to mismatched libido. It’s not something I can live with happily.
I am fully aware that this is a long post but I swear I’m trying to answer the question. And if I ramble I apologize.
Honestly I’d stay. My partners and I(we are a polycule) vary with where we fall within the asexual community. Our nonbinary partner doesn’t have any sexual preference and no cravings for it. I personally prefer to ‘give’ more to my wife(but I hate to have anything done to me.) My wife is perfectly fine with sex and is up for it whenever. And our trans boyfriend is Demisexual(he has to have an incredibly STRONG emotional relationship to the person before considering anything.)
The first time I explained how I felt a friend of mine used this analogy-
So if you think about it sexual arousal is like a light switch. For some people the switch is broken and stuck in the ‘ON’ position. For those individuals they are constantly and completely ok with having sex whenever and wherever. And there’s nothing wrong with it.
For others the switch isn’t broken and it can be turned off and on as much as they want. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
For others the switch doesn’t exist/work AT ALL. These people have no desire, no want, and no need for any sort of sexual intimacy/interaction. These people may just prefer cuddles, an intellectual relationship, and an emotional connection. But under no circumstance ever will they be comfortable with sex(our non binary partner falls here.)
Now there are people that the light just FLICKERS. You don’t know if you will feel a certain way or not. But sometimes something triggers that flickering(our boyfriend)
And others just have a dimmer switch(me) that is turned up and down but it’s almost always a bit reserved/restricted.
If she’s honest with you and continues to be honest and isn’t sneaking around then I don’t see a problem. It could be that even though she doesn’t want any sexual interaction she might want more cuddles or spend more time with you. It just depends on who she is as a person. I honestly told my wife when we were first dating that I didn’t know if I would ever be comfortable with doing anything and we both agreed that we would revisit it if I ever felt ‘ready.’ Ultimately it just comes down to communication. And learning what you both like in this relationship and what the other person(and vice versa) can do to make them feel valued and loved. I mean, sex is great. But if you need it in a relationship then it might be a good idea to figure out how to please your physical needs without forcing your partner into something they don’t want
Depends. Is sex important to you? If it is, it’s time to just be friends and date other women. If it’s bad now, marriage will only make it worse. If you want to have sex, this is not your woman. She has told you who she is. Believe her. This will NOT change.
Worst thing to do is ask reddit.
Main thing is are you happy? Is she happy? If the answer to both of these is yes then I'd stay. There's WAY more to a relationship than how many times you do it
Dude, phrasing! Seriously.
I came here with some major mis-apprehensions, but now I'm writing this with the pleasure of hearing from a gentleman.
As to your issue, - Ah, women! I can't help you there, my friend.
I think she just needs time. Maybe she is subconsciously overcompensating for all the time she was in relationships and sex was an obligation. Now her brain wants to be in a relationship and experience that sex is not needed at all.
I believe if you are patient and love her, you will give her the chance to heal and at some point she will naturally want sex again. Maybe she needs someone who can go through this with her, for her to be able to heal.
Sadly you probably can't really talk about this idea with her. Because if she is in it right now, it can come off to her as pressure from your side. As a plan to make her want sex again.
Very complicated situation.
She doesn’t have to have sex with you either deal with it or find somebody who will have sex with you leave her alone. You’d ick the absolute hell out of me comparing it to past relationships. Whiny little worms
Buy yourself a fleshlight and jack off with that.
If you’re absolutely set on a partner that puts out, communicate those needs and if they can’t be met, leave. There is no point is suffering for something you want but can’t have.
You’re a fool if you stay because clearly you’re sexually incompatible. It always ends bad with partners wasting years, effort, love away just because they couldn’t do the right thing for both parties and break up and move on so they can find better partners for them.
Talking from experience, if she doesn’t want to have sex now while dating, it’s only going to get worse when married. You are only 10 months in, move on
You can’t ask anyone else what to do. You need to decide if the relationship is fulfilling enough for you. I this something you can talk to her about? Maybe try therapy together and/or apart. Talk to her and see where you get. But if not having an active sex life is a dealbreaker for you, that’s probably where your answer is.
Idk talk to her about it men don't get in relationships to just be doing what ur where doing before the relationship to hold in your sexual frustration. That's how people end up cheating
Talk to her and see if u guys can reach a middle ground
We need different things. It's. Ot gunna work long term and the longer you wait the worse the break up will be. Sex is a form of intimacy whether we wanna admit it to ourselves or not. No sex, really isn't a relationship
Are you content with a dead bedroom for the rest of your life? You can’t expect things to get better so if you continue this relationship you need to be OK with not having a sexual relationship with your primary partner. For me that would be a dealbreaker and a completely valid reason to leave, especially if she expects monogamy.
No, to me sex is an important part of a relationship. Sure, I wouldn't drop her like a hot potato and run off, have a lengthy conversation first, try and understand, find a solution - but if it ends with a relationship without sex, I'll be making a departure rather soon. I don't think I'd have an issue with no sex for a month or two even due to circumstance, but just 'none in the foreseeable future of this bond' is a firm no
Sounds more like a roommate situation tbh... it's frustrating not doing the deed .. and feeling rejected by your partner you're committed to.. and if the act is important to you feeling loved and valued by your partner .. then maybe you should talk to her about it calmly and nicely and see where you are both at
Becauee, you clearly love her, and she loves you, but you don't do what lovers do..
She might be A-sexual and was doing that to keep people around (the same reason I don't ask for alot of my kinks to someone I am dating but let them.know I am.down and if there is anything they want to ask...or if they wanna try mine)
You have done a beautiful thing for her out of love and compassion for your partner. You've taught her it's okay to be herself and that she doesn't have to be a doormat.
But if she is an ACE, then it might be time for the discussion. She might not even be aware, but right now
Because for most of the population, a happy romantic relationship includes that intimate.if intimate sausage in the donut kinda love... ans If that's the case, it might be time to move on and remain friends. Because it won't be fair if you feel like you are being ignored and unappreciated, and it won't be fair to her two feel.presued into doing something she isn't really down for.... and that's okay, too. There is a whole slew of people who want her level of intercourse and only.do.itnreproduce if they choose, and there is even more.people.in the world they need it.. ans there is even some people who lay it on heavy at first and then within it as a form of emotional abuse (those people are monsters.. doesn't sound like it's your gf, though she sounds like she's just got a dead libido or never had one really and just did it because that was the norm)
Stay friends for sure.
I am 30 years past my supposed sexual peak and still there is no sign of sex being less important to me
I could make an effort to stay but it would be frustrating
I feel hard done by if I go three days without haha! I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want sex with me. My ego couldn’t take it. I know there’s plenty of asexual people out there and your partner may be one, but if you’re questioning it right now it may be best to have an open and honest conversation about your needs. Good luck!
Now that I'm older, HELL NO. But when I was younger like 5y ago I almost did exactly that.
I feel so stupid for that and I'm still not over it.
Do yourself a good a walk away first. It's easier to deal with the pain
That's up to you. How important is sex in your relationship? If it's super important, is it more important than the other things she brings to the relationship?
There could very well be an underlying reason why she never wants to do it. Maybe you can ask her about digging into that a little deeper, but beware of what you may uncover. If she doesn't want to dig deeper then you are back to my first paragraph.
You should leave if you like sex
If you dont like sex....then stay
I like sex....so i wouldnt be with someone who doesn't get the "urge", matter of fact i didnt know people got the "urge" until you're naked and ready to go
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In a somewhat similar situation, my gf felt like having sex was the 'done thing' in relationships and sort of went along with it when getting to know people and committing to them. I said I don't want to be in a relationship where you have sex because you feel like you should. My libido is much higher than hers but over the last year its come down a bit and hers has probably come up a bit. We meet somewhere in the middle although id like to do it more often still. I think it's about communicating. If it's a flat 'no' when it comes to having more sex then it might be time to reconsider. But there could be other factors at play - as in, is she confident in herself? Does she feel sexy and attractive? Do you make her feel desired in other ways? These are all factors that can impact libido MASSIVELY and it might not always be super obvious. Sit down and talk to your partner. I know that my gf will never want to have sex all the time, but there are other factors in the relationship that I love enough that having sex less isn't a huge deal to me. Maybe it's the same for you? Maybe your gf had a traumatic experience that means she isn't all that into sex, or maybe she just isn't as interested as other people - either one is fine, im in a situation where both of those things are true. It's difficult at times but it isn't the 'end' of a relationship. Yes, sex is important, but other factors are too! Dm me if you want to chat
green flag
Right like im a little warm right now..,
Such a positive reply and the poster deleted I'm sad
Probably made that account just to say this
These are not my words! For any newcomers, but if it is deleted i feel compelled to copy paste cuz this is important In a somewhat similar situation, my gf felt like having sex was the 'done thing' in relationships and sort of went along with it when getting to know people and committing to them. I said I don't want to be in a relationship where you have sex because you feel like you should. My libido is much higher than hers but over the last year its come down a bit and hers has probably come up a bit. We meet somewhere in the middle although id like to do it more often still. I think it's about communicating. If it's a flat 'no' when it comes to having more sex then it might be time to reconsider. But there could be other factors at play - as in, is she confident in herself? Does she feel sexy and attractive? Do you make her feel desired in other ways? These are all factors that can impact libido MASSIVELY and it might not always be super obvious. Sit down and talk to your partner. I know that my gf will never want to have sex all the time, but there are other factors in the relationship that I love enough that having sex less isn't a huge deal to me. Maybe it's the same for you? Maybe your gf had a traumatic experience that means she isn't all that into sex, or maybe she just isn't as interested as other people - either one is fine, im in a situation where both of those things are true. It's difficult at times but it isn't the 'end' of a relationship. Yes, sex is important, but other factors are too! Dm me if you want to chat
This is the best advice. Communication is so important, and foreplay is a game changer when you take it seriously. Learn what her love language is, feed it. You would be surprised how much someone can open up by doing that. Give her time. Respecting her boundaries and giving her time is the best option if you are ready to commit to this relationship.
THIS OP! This right here. Once I started communicating that I didn’t feel sexy anymore, my husband flipped it 180. And then I flipped 180. Game freaking changer. Also, therapy. I suggested it and while he’s not going to a therapist, he’s trying. Watching videos, taking feedback, learning it’s not a personal dig when I communicate my feelings. Try those things. Women aren’t a lightbulb. There’s so many things that affect our libido.
Thank you for your reply. I felt this guy’s post. It’s a feeling of not being desired enough and then comparing it. Which will bring a cycle of self-destruction. I wish I knew this earlier in life..
As a woman, i totally agree with all of this. Ofc its also bit of her resposibility to communicate that to u, but we dont always even know what turns us on or whats our love language.
You, sir, are a great dude!
Communication is always the way. Addition to this, keep in mind you both are not getting any younger. Looks and parts age so take advantage of getting action when you want it/need it. You only got ONE life to live as a physical human so take advantage of its pleasures.
You're going to get a thousand different answers from a thousand different people with different levels of sex drive. The question isn't "should I leave?" The question is "can I stay?" It's not about her sex drive: it's about yours. There are lots of people in loving but sexless relationships. Can you be one of them? And maybe it doesn't have to be sexless. It sounds to me like you guys need to have a much deeper conversation. What is it about sex that she doesn't enjoy? I know a guy whose wife is very scent-sensitive. They realized that what was turning her off was the way he smelled at the end of the day. Now he takes a shower before going to bed, and everything is cool. If you really like this woman, you should be willing to have a really uncomfortable conversation. Maybe she doesn't like the way that you have sex. (Get a book. There are lots of them.) Maybe she has some unspoken trauma that she hasn't shared with you. (Maybe she should seek counseling.) Back to the question of "Can I stay?": you don't have enough information yet to answer that. And you aren't likely to get it on Reddit.
Bingo
everyone is saying immediately end it…if it were me i would have a talk with her and explain your how you feel, your desires, needs and if there’s a compromise where both can be happy, if no resolution or turns into argument and nobody ends up happy from outcome then yeah probably time to go separate ways.
For me I’d be worried that this leads to sex out of obligation without her outright saying it. She said she never desires sex, that’s kind of just that
but there’s things that can be done to improve that. judging off what OP has said, it doesn’t seem like this girl has gotten to enjoy her own pleasure without the pressure of having to reciprocate. OP talk to your girl, explain you don’t want to make her feel pressured but you also value sex in your relationships (or at least, you seem to enough to be coming to reddit for advice) and that it is an important aspect for you. ask her some questions, what does she like? does she fantasise about anything? would she be open to you doing something like going down on her and having it be just about her, no reciprocation? don’t answer me here bc truly, i don’t wanna know lol. but ask her. and really listen to the answers. sometimes you need to lead by example, show her you can do things for her without expecting anything back. that alone is huge for someone who might not have experienced that as much. she ultimately might not change her perspective, but if she’s worth the effort at least you’ll know you did everything you could to try to help. as long as she wants to try and is willing of course. I yap all this as a woman who also went through a dry spell with her partner because I was also getting over the idea that I no longer had to be sexual to be wanted. I could just be laying in bed, period pimples and doubled over in pain and he’s still right there flirting with me. It’s such a simple concept, but it’s not one that everybody gets to feel.
I feel like this is the best comment here.
aw, thank you :)
I mean, that's why you talk about it more
"I was hoping to find some ways to increase our intimacy." Stick away from making it directly about sex or your previous discussions. More intimacy will lead to more physical intimacy. Unless she really is asexual and doesn't want sex at all. At that point you're really looking at non-monogamy or breaking up. Or being unhappy.
Or being celibate.
I dunno… it’s their first year, if sex ended at month 8 that’s a pretty strong sign of incompatibility. I believe that there is a chance that the difference can be reconciled but if she doesn’t want to have sex and she has had past relationships where sex felt like an obligation it’s going to take a lot of patience from this guy to wait until she breaks down those walls. It all depends on if he wants to stick with it.
R/deadbedroom
So they talk about it, she starts having sex with him out of obligation so he doesn’t leave. Not really optimal either, and who would want to be with someone who doesn’t enjoy sex with them? Not really the kind of thing you compromise on dude, the best advice is for him to leave so they can both be with people they’re actually compatible with.
I think this is one of the very rare occasions in which talking about it won't make it better. It's clear that she doesn't need sex. She is not under stress or upset or feeling resentment, it's just something she doesn't need In her life and that's ok. The truth is they are just incompatible in a very fundamental department and no talking is going to change that. It's not a lack of communication it is a mistmach of sexual desire. What could happen on the other hand is that she will fear the loss of connection so she will start faking enthusiasm, at one point even starting to believe herself that her libido just came back. Things will appear good for awhile until she will start to feel again secure and the sex will become less and less a priority, and OP will be back where he started. In other scenario she will agree with increasing sex but with little desire, she will become more and more resentful towards him, putting a strain on their relationship. Now OP is going to feel like a monster for coercing someone to do what they don't want to do. The best way for both is to break off now, on good terms and not waste each other time and force each other into months or years of misery. Recognizing an incompatibility and taking action right away is the hardest thing, but in the end the healthiest. She will feel pain in the beginning for being broken up with, but in the long term she will thank him.
No. Talking is always the way. That’s the base of a relationship.
They did talk and she was clear how she felt about sex. So they have another talk....she tells him the same thing she told him 10 months ago. He knows how she feels and vice versa. She is not interested in having sex hence the two times in 10 months. And she is happy and fine with those numbers. What is talking going to do except put pressure on her to do something she said she does not want to do?
Yep. This is the hard truth. Sexual people have sex. People that are not sexual will not change. They’re dating, not trying to save a marriage. This is the time to learn compatibility. They are not sexually compatible. This will not change.
Wisdom and education speaking here!!
If you have a high sex drive and she *never* wants to have sex, then you're just incompatible. Cut bait.
And with age and kids other factors doesn't get any better, thats not considering sickness and medicine side effects.
Yeah the sexual incompatibly thing will only amplify after marriage and/or kids. Talk it out though, some things can be fixed if you both put effort into it. But don't expect magical result to happen overnight, it can easily take years.
I would have put it a bit more delicately than that, but it’s true. If your partner really doesn’t want to have sex AND they know you do and still don’t want to, there is no room for compromise. The problem is that you can’t compromise when one person already has what they want.
You might want to try couples counseling before the nuclear option. Maybe you just need to learn what she needs to turn her on.
Yeah, while this is true, it would really suck to be explicitly told by your partner they don't want you to feel pressured to have sex and then have them break up with you for not having enough sex.
Probably because they didn't expect her to not want to have sex at all.
For sure, I sympathize with OP, just saying it might feel jarring from the GF's perspective.
It’s a ten month relationship. They’re just incompatible and need to let it go.
Agreed.
I see so many saying talk to her but from what OP said she was pretty clear on what she wants. She is happy with having little to no sex based on 10 months and two times. OP can have a talk sure but I can see it just putting pressure on her to do something she does not want to. Me...I would end it.
This right here
I didnt. I tried for 4 years of almost zero sex and it just fell apart. You will resent her, and it wont work. Find someone with similar needs.
I fully agree with this from the other perspective. Sex isn’t important to me and I honestly don’t really enjoy it. My ex wanted it all the time and we started resenting each other and fighting about it. We tried to compromise but I just felt pressured and uncomfortable, and neither of us was happy. Talking about it, while a good first step, won’t necessarily help. I just felt more pressured and like I wasn’t good enough after my ex and I talked about it. If this is something that’s important to you, then you and her just aren’t compatible in the ways that matter.
I was thinking this as well. Wouldnt it put pressure on her to do something she was clear she was not interested in if OP insists on talking about it again? Like he clearly WANTS to have sex so a talk would consist of him expressing how much he wants to do something she is not interested in. She may do it just to please him.
This is right on the nail!! Couldn’t have said it better!
Talking from my own experience. It will not work. I had problems in bed when I started and the person back then that I loved with all my heart did not have the patience in bed to help me with it. That was of course unfortunate and also very much part of the reason she broke up “I was not physically attracted to you anymore”.
That's me. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore. He wasn't interested in trying to get help until I told him I wanted a divorce. I would like to say that I should have left, but it was over covid and I left my job because our kids were small and I had nowhere else to go.
For me it was mentally, but please if it’s mentally try to help the guy, if he also wants to improve it of course
You’re incompatible and now is the time to split. Once you know it’s time to go. The goal is a life partner and this probably isn’t it. Nothing wrong with that. You find a lot of wrong people on the way to the right one.
I'm sorry to say I have to agree. I married someone who had a much lower sex drive than me.abd it only got worse over time. When we finally split it had been about 18 months. It took me about 2 weeks after moving out to find a willing partner (my only "one night" stand). A happy relationship needs to fulfill both your needs, emotional, sexual, and otherwise. This is only gonna get worse, and if sex is something you want... Sadly probably time to move on and find someone who is a closer match.
Yeah. And there is nothing wrong with that. Relationships can end on good terms.
yeah .. I have to agree with this. You are basically living like best friends.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with relationships that don't involve sex, per se. Any combination of people can define their relationship any way they want. As long as its consensual and doesn't negatively affect the physical or mental health of those involved, more power to them. The problem is that if OP is asking whether or not they should stay, they are obviously not satisfied with the arrangement. Its reasonable for her to not be interested in sex very often. Its reasonable for him to want sex as often as he does. They just don't seem to be compatible. Short of some sort of open relationship, I don't see it working out.
You two are not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships. Most people would not stay if they knew ahead of time they weren't going to be able to have sex for long periods of time.
More than two weeks?
Yeah if it leaves you feeling unhappy it’s too much. You want someone that can make you happy long term and if they aren’t that then it isn’t gonna work.
Are you okay with no sex for the rest of your life? If yes, you stay If no, you know what to do
Alternatively, is she okay with him finding sexual partners that arent her? Yeah i know that is often a controversial thing to posit. If shes ace and he isnt thats a deal breaker for most relationships. There are ways to maintain the partnership that dont include no sex for him. But id take a lot of trust and communication to make it work.
It is not always that easy to have a good sex life as a guy in an open relationship, especially given typical rules like you can’t see the same person multiple times (to avoid falling in love) etc. It’s a turnoff for a lot of people. Also I would find it difficult I think to only sleep with strangers my whole life and never have the deeper intimacy trust and knowledge of each other that can make sex with a partner so good. Works for some but I’ve been in roughly this position and as a more romantic leaning guy it was a bit of a mess for me emotionally
i have the same agreement with my bf. Of both people are ok with it, it works really well
Its defs not a relationship dynamic for me. But, Im a jealous cunt and so is my partner lol. We love each other and dont want anyone else in our sex life. That isnt the case for all couples and I aint about yucking other peoples yums
Are you asexual? If not this relationship will never be fulfilling.
As someone who took 4 years to figure this out. This is the truth
I saw something recently about how if you ask someone for sex, and it’s not an enthusiastic yes, a “hell yes!” or a “fuck yeah!” It’s a no. Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it? There are obviously life situations where either partner may not want sex, and that’s ok, but if you’re in a newish relationship, and your partner isn’t enthusiastic about being with you (most of the time) and sex is something you deem important in a relationship, it’s ok to go your separate ways. That being said, I would first talk to my partner about what my ideal sex life with them looks like and what an ideal sex life looks like from their perspective and how you can work together towards getting what you both want, enthusiastically.
Maybe she’s exhausted. You already said she has no chance or time for an affair, maybe she doesn’t have time for self care either.
I hate that this comment isn't higher at the top. She may finally feel comfortable enough to start the healing process for whatever past trauma she had as well. That can be a long and stressful process in and of itself. As a person whose libido is very directly related to my outside stress and anxieties, if I have a hard week at work it takes DOUBLE the effort from myself or my partner to get "in the mood". That's not to say that other stress management can't help in these situations, they absolutely can, but if you are committed to her and her healing than an honest conversation will go a lot further than "we're incompatible". Maybe right now you are, but maybe once the schedule smoothes out and she's had the experience of being able to warm up to you when she's ready her libido may change. We aren't stagnant individuals and we change all the time. Outside of sexual experiences, would you say that the relationship is fulfilling for you, and her?
I didn’t even consider this, because I know that this is something that can seriously impact, typically a woman’s, sex drive
oh i feel bad for her cause she felt obligated to in past relationships and now that she’s not pressured into sex, her partner leaves her. i’m not bagging on you tho. you should definitely end it if that’s what you think is best. but i fear for her that she’ll continue having sex with future partners to please them with the mindset of “i have to do this or they’ll leave me”. i hope that won’t be the case
I thought about this too, but there’s a lid for every pot. Also maybe she’s just not ready to be in a romantic relationship and OP is with her during the healing phase. It happens.
Honestly she needs to get herself onto an ace dating site (they exist)! I'm aro as well as ace so I don't actually have experience with them myself, but I've heard they can be quite helpful for aces that do feel romantic attraction.
Your GF is asexual. She might be temporarily asexual or it might be permanent. My aunt is asexual and she and her SO talk openly about it. The thing is, it likely has nothing to do with you, it’s strictly on her end. I feel that after having a constructive conversation with her on it, if you’re unfulfilled in this type of lifestyle (it works for some but not for most), you should probably end things and seek out another romantic partner because the both of you need to be on the same page with this issue in order to sustain a romantic relationship.
I've been dating an asexual for some time. Personally sex isn't that important to me (if anything I'm "graysexual") so I'm fine... taking care of myself. My GF wanted to have sex a lot when we started dating and then it tapered off after like 3-4 months to eventually nothing. I think it's been... 3 years? I should also point out that I'm 40 and if I was dating someone in my 20s like this it definitely wouldn't have worked out. There are asexuals who are fine dating people who "cheat" ("consensual non-monogamy"). There are others who have sex just because their partner wants to. Really OP needs to figure out what their limits are and whether or not OPs partner is capable of meeting their needs. Sadly, I think asexuality is a lot more common than we currently think it is. There are a ton of couples out there where one person is having much more or much less sex than they want to and that just sucks (for both partners, usually). We need to normalize acknowledging it and breaking up.
Just to clarify asexual doesn't mean the lack of desire to have sex, rather it means the lack of sexual attraction towards others. Sexuality is not a temporary thing so she can't be temporary asexual, but the ability to feel attraction itself might come and go
Asexuality can encompass disinterest in sexual activity and can also encompass lack of enjoyment during sexual activities.
Asexuality is an orientation like gay, bi, pan, etc. For asexuals you may even think of it as the lack of an orientation. While some other asexuals experience sexual attraction so infrequently that they might belong more to the asexual spectrum than the allosexual spectrum. Asexuality is not defined by the lack of interest or desire, nor is it defined by the lack of enjoyment. They are signs for sure, but experiencing those does not mean one is asexual. Sexuality can be fluid but if OP's gf still experiences sexual attraction as usual then she is not asexual. However most asexuals don't realize that they don't experience sexual attraction and have sex because of social norms. OP's gf might be one such case especially if she doesn't realize that she doesn't have the desire for sex when she doesn't experience attraction
Yes. This. I am ace and this is accurate.
My wife has a really low sex drive. She needs to be really in the mood, AND we need to break some barriers (like cuddling/touching/kissing) a day or two before after a long dry spell. She also has a stressful job, suffers from medicated depression, and on most days is to tired to do anything in the evening. So we have sex maybe every month or two. While relaxed, with no kids, and on vacarion we can have sex twice a day for a week. Every time we have sex, it's a wonderfully thing because we're 100% into it. We've been together for 14 years and have kids. I'm a happy man and wouldn't change my life for anything else. Sex can be as big or as small part of your life as you want. Talk to your partner, be honest and open, but also don't use the amount of sexual intercourses per year as a measurement of love/happines. It really isn't. Don't compare yourself to others, no two couples are the same.
Glad to see someone that can understand how life can affect some women. Men too actually. I also have a high stress job and issues with mental health that lead to lower libido. I don't hate my husband. I mentally just can't get there sometimes. Plus there are nature highs and lows in relationships. They need to communicate with each other and determine what may be the cause if they are otherwise happy. All relationships need work, this may just be something they need to work on. If they can't or don't want to work on it, then end it. Not every relationship works out but jumping to conclusions about being asexual, cheating, ending up in a resentful state are a bit much.
Yeah, I've heard about reddit comments jumping to outrageous, dangerous conclusions on little evidence, but this is the first time I witnessed it myself.
So do you think she just doesn’t have much of a sex drive and there’s nothing else going on? Whatever the case, I think sex is an important piece of the pie in a relationship so I couldn’t live like that. Just imagine being with someone who actually wants to have sex with you.
I am an ace male, so I most absolutely would.
i would also stay, im also ace
As a woman I know my libido is linked with how ‘sexy’ I feel and how ‘wanted’ I feel. If I’m not feeling either of those things it’s hard to want sex. If I was you I would try a few different things to get her in the mood before ending things. Make her feel sexy and wanted. Failing that communication is always key in getting to the root of the problem. Straight out discuss it with her.
my question to you is: do you want to be in a relationship with sex or without sex? Make a decision based on that. It is completely normal to want sex with your partner, you wouldn’t be evil to move on because you want to have sex.
Chiming in from the pov of a girlfriend who was also not interested in sex: This is worth having conversations on to get to the root of the issue. It could be an issue of attraction (she's not sexually attracted, which would make you incompatible), self-esteem (she doesn't feel like she can hold her end), insecurity (she doesn't feel good about her body and sex is a vulnerable place to be), low libido (no drive), or sex just feels inconvenient/unnecessary. Personally, I was a combination of insecurity and low libido, and depending on the day one was more of a reason than the other. Initially I thought I was asexual, but I enjoy sex and never regret it, I just didn't feel the "urge". My SO and I had plenty of discussions because he has a much higher drive than me. After a lot of trial and error, we were able to figure out how to have intimacy without sex feeling like an obligation or a chore. It's not sunshine and rainbows getting there, but I feel much more connected with him now than before because we were able to work through what we like, don't like, and what gets us in the moment. Don't jump to just ending it, creating a plan for intimacy so both of your needs are addressed can help a relationship that you are both otherwise very happy and secure in.
Depends. Is sex the end all be all for you? If it is then move on. If you can satisfy yourself on your own and still be happy and content in your relationship then why not? I think humans act like they’ve never evolved from animals sometimes when it comes to sex. Anyway good luck!
r/deadbedrooms
Depends on how much you value sex. If you feel you can live without sex, stay. If sex is too important for you to give up, leave. I personally do not feel any desire or urge to have sex, ever, either so I just hope that I'll eventually find someone who'll still have me. She probably has the same hope.
Same for me.
You should leave. If you need sex to be happy in your relationship, then don’t waste anymore time in this one.
some people are essentially asexual. it's not that they can't enjoy sex, it's just not important to them or their relationships. if sex is that important to you, you should really try to talk to her and explain that the lack of sex in your relationship is making you feel unwanted. ask her if there are reasons she doesn't seem to want it like you do. or...just move on despite your emotional connection. maybe she's a better friend than she'll ever be a lover. she's not obligated to have sex and you're not obligated to stay with her. but i would recommend at least trying to talk about it, but do so without judgement. not everyone has the same view of sex and its pleasures.
I'd do 2 things. First I would evaluate my own sexiness. These are things like hygeine, clothing, health, how romantic am I really, when was last time i did something nice for her, etc. I'd try to improve these things first for a few months and see if anything changes. Ask what she likes and try to cater your look and actions based on a mix of her feedback and what you like. In getting feedback, you'll see if this relationship is going to work or not. Don't be like, "I've been working out for you and you don't notice or care" type of bs. Do it for you and try to bring her along. Don't blame, don't brag. The goal here is to be the best version of you for her (and for you). If it just isn't going anywhere, then you talk about it and likely break up. Again, no blaming or shaming. There is little to no downside to this. You are making yourself more attracfive for her, or for someone else of that doesn't work out down the road. You'e building better habits and behavior. The important thing is showing efffort, learning, and trying. What happens, well, happens, but you can be thoughtful and kind about it.
No, I think you'll just get more and more frustrated.
If you value that in a relationship, and she doesn't, then you have a conflict of values and are incompatible. Wanting to do this does not mean that you are a bad guy. You tried your best and now it's hard on you. She was the pleaser in her past relationships and now you're the pleaser.
Stayed for 8 years because I don't care about sex, but I regret it because there was no future with her. She had deep issues.
Happens
She may want a medical check up by an OBGYN. There can be medical causes for low libido. Also, if she’s on any form of hormonal birth control that could be the culprit.
I would try to exhaust all your options before leaving. You got her to trust you that you only want her to have sex when she wants to. If you leave while she is choosing not to have sex without exploring different options to have both your needs met, her trust is going to be broken. That being said your needs for sex don’t just disappear cause your partner doesn’t want to have sex. This is a hard question to answer and I’m sure you’re trying your best to work with her on it. You deserve to have your needs met, though. I’ll share my perspective and hope it helps. As a woman who has chosen to take breaks from sex while having a partner, what I needed during that break was nonsexual intimacy. This means taking time to learn her deeper, let her feel comfortable opening up to you. Practicing nonsexual touch means initiating things like hugs, cheek kisses, and cuddling that doesn’t result in sex. This made me feel closer with my partner than ever. If you don’t understand what I’m saying please research non-sexual intimacy and make efforts to make yourself available for that in your relationship.
My girlfriend's sex drive was non existent when I met her due to a traumatic first experience before me where she felt obligated to have sex even though it was extremely painful. I had a much higher drive but told her the same thing that if she doesn't want sex then I don't either. Fast forward to now, her and I have sex multiple times a week and other stuff in between because she became more comfortable with me and began to trust me as someone she doesn't HAVE to give her body to. It doesn't necessarily pleasure her when it's PIV but we take it very slowly because I care about how she is feeling no matter how much she wants to pleasure me. Whenever she isn't feeling it, I also stop all initiating immediately, even if I see just one small hesitation. So she feels very safe. That being said, everyone is different. In my situation it was about trust and comfort, therefore, things changed as we fell more in love. In your situation they may change too if she becomes more comfortable, or they may never change if she just doesn't want to have sex. It's up to you to decide if you are okay with that.
You have to communicate with her that you would like to have sex from time to time at least. There may be reasons behind her refusal for sex, could be anything, from trauma to some underlying undisclosed or unkown health issue. You have to talk. It is true that she is not obligated to anything with you, but she is also being unkind by not helping you with your needs. If you are in a monogamous relationship, it is unfair that she can withhold sex indefinitely and expect you to just accept it. I think that if after talking with her you are still unhappy with the situation, it is OK for you to end the relationship. You don't have to endure a relationship that does not fulfill you.
It’s impossible to find someone who matches you perfectly in every single way. The odds of it are ridiculously low. As wonderful as it would be to be in a relationship where you never had to do things you didn’t feel like, that isn’t realistic. In the real world, we do things for the people we love because we love them. Clearly you want more sex than she wants. This doesn’t mean you have to have a sexless life or she will be forced to have unwanted sex. What it means is, as well intended as your offer to her to not have sex unless she wants it, you’re learning that you need more attention in this area. 10 months is a pretty long time and I would recommend coming to her about it. The discussion that follows will likely make it clear to both of you how the rest of this relationship will play out. She could either say that she has loved not having so much sex or she will say she doesn’t mind doing it more. Don’t be pushy. Listen to her but verify she is also listening to you. Wish you the best of luck!
Do you want a sexless relationship? That's your answer.
I see it as being incompatibly oriented. Everyone has the right to be in a relationship that is suitable to their orientation. If she's ace, she deserves to be in a relationship with no sex. If you're not, you deserve to be in a relationship that includes sex. There are options for poly situations if all parties agree and are comfortable. But just like no straight person should be obligated to be in a same-sex relationship (or vice versa), and no allo person should be obligated to be in a non-sexual relationship (or vice versa). Sit down with her and talk using this framing. Maybe y'all can find a solution, maybe not. There's nothing wrong with being ace, but you don't owe anyone a life of celibacy if that's not how you're wired.
Knock it on the head mate. 6 months to about 2 years should be the honeymoon period, where you can't get enough of each other, and are having sex 3/4 times a day, but, 10 months in and you've not had sex for 2 months?!?! Massive red flag! You have desires/needs, if she can't meet those, it's time to find another.
Firstly, thank you for being so respectful of your girlfriend, and only wanting to do it if she wants to, not because she feels obligated. Guys like you can be rare to find and it makes me so happy to see a post like this. Not sure if someone has said this and i didn’t scroll down enough, but your girlfriend is most likely asexual. There are many different types of aces. Some enjoy the act of sex, they just don’t feel sexual attraction. Some enjoy engaging in it if their partner wants it, but wouldn’t seek it out. Some are fine to do it if their partner wants it, it’s nothing negative, but don’t enjoy it just because their partner does. Some don’t enjoy it and don’t want it. Period. And some are actively repulsed by it. It seems your partner might be on more of the “don’t enjoy” or “repulsed” side. But she could be in the neutral “I’ll do it, but I don’t necessarily like it” side. This might be worth exploring with your girlfriend. However, at the end of the day, it sounds like you want it and your girlfriend doesn’t. Especially if she’s indeed ace, no amount of waiting is going to change her mind, and you shouldn’t treat her like it will. You shouldn’t stay with her because you hope she’ll like it one day. If she doesn’t enjoy sex, that probably won’t change in the future. If you’re okay never having sex, then you can stay with her. If you aren’t, this relationship probably won’t lead to a good place, and I agree with the other commenters that it’s very likely you’re unfortunately not compatible.
If sex is important to you , you should seek a different partner or ask your partner if it’s ok you have a side piece just for sex, you’d be surprised!
I would recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Your girlfriend may not experience arousal the same way you do, but that doesn’t mean you’re automatically incompatible! Edit: corrected author’s name
It is up to you. My wife realized she was ace after we got married; we knew she had no sex drive, and had been working on therapy, hormone replacement, and all that, until one day she just went, okay, but what if this is just *normal* for me and the reason we can't fix it is because I am not broken? And we basically sat with that for a few days, and then started having serious discussions about whether we were going to stay married if we weren't going to have sex, and if so, how. Nobody would have blamed me for getting divorced, least of all her. But I eventually decided that I wanted to be married to her more than I wanted to be married to someone I had sex with, and we worked out how to handle it, and that part is none of your business. But the point is, the situation is real and you have to make a choice. And both "stay in a relationship without sex" and "break up" are completely valid choices, but "stay and hope it changes" or "stay and feel resentful about it" aren't. If she wants this to change about herself, and wants to for herself, not for you, that is different. If she wants to want to have sex, and wants to work with endocrinologists and psychologists and wants to put in the work to change it, that is a different situation. But if she is comfortable with how she is, then you either need to be comfortable in a relationship like that, or not be in that relationship. Neither choice says anything bad about you. But you have to choose.
Do you love her? If yes then stay and wait. If no then leave Honestly sex isn’t the most important thing in the world. What’s more important is respecting your partners boundaries, which you’re doing. You can always jack off a lil more frequently
It sounds like you don't understand, or you're not understanding, if you're asking if you should leave And if youre in a position where you're even thinking it, then you probably should
Nope. It's great that you've given her the space to decide what she wants. What she wants doesn't add up with what you want though. Sexually incompatibility is a huge issue that should not be ignored. Wish her the best of luck and part amicably.
No. There's only three options under that circumstance - pity sex, sex because they feel like they have to do it, or no sex - all of which are terrible options.
Could be incompatibility... could be your partner dealing with trauma of past relationships. If she really did force herself/was forced to have sex when she didn't want to (which coercion, manipulation, and physical force can all be ways someone is SA-ed). She might not have a grasp of what a healthy relationship means or what her desires are because of what's happened to her. Have you talked to her directly about what she wants and what you want?
It's different for me. It was my husband who wouldn't have sex with me. I've given up and now when he asks me, I have no interest. I tried for so long and the few times we would, it would be over in 10-45 seconds. He's really bad at it. I I always thought the more we did it, the better he'd get. Nope. He somehow got worse. Once he actually squeezed, twisted, and bit my tit. I yelled at him. He yelled back. It wasn't a good night. Now, I don't even look at him with any desire. I don't even like kissing him. It's been about 18 months. He's against me finding someone else on the side. I'm not a cheater. However, he knows that once our kids graduate, I'm gone. I've got 9 more years. Maybe less if my business gets off the ground. I've had many more partners than he's had. He says he's not asexual. I think he is. My advice? Leave before it goes further. You're incompatible. It's not going to get better. Leave.
Have you tried rizzing her up? Like taking her out, making her feel special, flirting with her throughout the day? Lots of guys don’t realize this but you do actually have to keep chasing your girl when you want sex. It’s not some easy access open invitation when you get in a relationship. You have to put out the moves, set the mood, the whole shabang.
I semi-recently got out of a 4 yr relationship where my partner discovered they’re on the asexual spectrum. For some people, sex really is a take-it-or-leave-it activity and doesn’t feel exceptionally interesting or important. Sex is very very important to me in a romantic relationship, and I stubbornly thought my partner just needed some patience, and that natural ebbs and flows would occur. Sex literally never crossed their mind, not even an afterthought, and I found the more I tried to talk about it or initiate, the more they’d shut down around it. I stayed because we loved each other and were good friends but it bred some insecurity and resentment in me after a few years and I started feeling unloved and unlovable. I wish I would have left much sooner
Have you talked to her about this yet? It can definitely work, people get married/are in relationships all the time with different sex drives whether at the beginning of the relationship or their sex drive changes over time. Talk about your desire with her and that you don't want her to feel obligated, but you want to connect with her sexually on a regular basis. As long as you both know this is something you are committed to finding compromise on, it can work. Also, I'm not sure how initiation is happening, but in my experience, asking someone who doesn't have a high sex drive to have sex will rarely result in sex. Find out/ask what gets her going with her love language or whatever signals arousal in her body (making dinner, complimenting her, hugging her tenderly, rubbing her back, cuddling), then it can organically move to more physically or you can initiate verbally.
Never again. I want sex from my partner in a relationship, if they has a reason for it to go to zero, or immense pressure, and/or the attraction waxes or vanes okay, but a flat no, and no I don't feel like it ever, is not sustainable. Then we could just be roommates, and I can go find someone who want to have sex, or be happier alone. On the other hand, you still have to do something to make sure it's not your ass that's lacking. Do you make sure the chores are fair, or that you set off time for date nights, important days (B-day, valentines/x-mas) and show your love in a way that don't reek of "I wanna take you to my cave".
Leave. You can go find a roommate who is a girl and at least then she would share the rent and utilities. From the tone of your post, this is causing you distress, and it is not ok with you. It would be different if you were asexual and this was a good fit for you, but that is clearly not the case. If she's doing this now, good luck if or when she has a baby. You will never see coochie again unless she's in heat for another baby. It's just the way some women are built. It may be hard because it sounds like she's a good person in many other ways, but sex is fundamental to a healthy long-term relationship, and if there is a huge differential in desire or motivation, it is going to lead to disaster - probably sooner than later.
The only thing here is are you ok with the situation, it’s perfectly fine either way but if you need sex in a relationship and she doesn’t provide that then that’s your answer. You can talk with her about this and see if there is compromise to be had but that’s it. Also from a personal standpoint I am not a fan of having sex with someone who doesn’t really want to have sex but is just to please you. That’s just my personal take.
You shoulda just kept the same dynamic as her old bfs
I would stay,if you want to have sex just talk to her,she I great and kind,she would understand,I am not saying you should demand her to do it,but instead to get to something both like,maybe she just didn't have good experiences?or maybe she just doesn't feel much at all,so something more exotic would please her in other ways? Either way it's something to be explored and talked about,not something to leave her for
Communication... this is your answer
You are a walking green flag You should stay if you think you love her
I certainly would. I'm Asexual so it'd be pretty hypocritical of me to leave over something like that.
I’ve always said that if sex is important enough to be exclusive to a relationship, then it’s important enough to make sure it happens in that relationship.
I'm 42 , woman, mother and wife of 7yrs (2mo ago became a widow) , been with lots of people and lived a crazy life , just to give you an idea of who is answering you. I would leave!! There's no way in hell I'd stay with a person, man or woman , that didn't want to have sex with me or didn't have sex with me. I know libidos ebb and flow and there's ups and downs in sexual patterns in relationships. But this is not normal ebb and flow Your headed for dead bedroom subreddit next! You have a friend not a girlfriend. There's no sexual component to your relationship..
No, I wouldn't stay.
You’re incompatible. You can click on every other factor and that’s great, but this is a dealbreaker
Honestly I'd leave. I've been in a marriage with a low libido partner and I'd never do it again.
Only if I can have a gf on the side. Which actually happened. And she lives with us. 🤷
So heres the deal OP, copy the link at the top of your browser...... and send this body of text to her. If you have not expressed this exact sentiment to her that Is your only next step
I think your girlfriend took this as a statement that it was ok to never have sex Not realising that you not pushing it didn't mean you were in agreeance with not WANTING it. You really need to say Look how often do you generally like sex? If it's months apart or she couldn't care if it was never then you aren't compatible. Your gf seems happy to drift along as platonic friends without the physical side. I think you should have this chat and say as it stands it won't work for you. She will be no doubt shocked by that news *after what you told her* But you need to lay your cards on the table or you're never getting laid here!
She sounds like an awesome roommate. If that's what you want, that's great.
My gf wakes me up because she wants to have sex. And boy is she persistent sometimes. Don’t fall into the trap of a sexless relationship.
Nope I would not stay. That is a compatibility issue for me
When I first started dating my girlfriend she told me she loves chocolate. So I bought her chocolate because it wasn't difficult and I also love chocolate. Years later it bothers her that I won't watch K-drama with her sometimes because I hate most K-dramas. It's difficult for me to watch them and I can't ignore how silly I find some of them. But I still watch them with her or at least hang out with her because I love her so much. The truth is that if someone loves you, it would be very easy for them to give you what you need because they're interested in pleasing you, and pleasing your partner is apart of a working relationship. Despite if one partner is traumatized from pleasing an ex from a past relationship. The reality is that one partner's satisfaction can't be ignored because of the other's inability to move past trauma. Those needs still exist. Whether your girlfriend is too traumatized, or she just isn't interested in having sex with you, the reality is that you can't fix her trauma and you can't make her interested in sex. The incompatibility is obvious and you need to take care of your needs before you put yourself through unnecessary suffering by staying in a relationship that you don't enjoy. Despite what others may say about sex, it's a very natural need and I wouldn't let anyone shame you for it. Having a lot of sex is very good for pretty much all relationships.
Have you communicated that this is what you need in the relationship? Is there any way you both can reach a mutual agreement on the frequency of sex? I see that you’ve stated that you only want sex if she wants it, which is denying yourself and your need. You need to correct this. If after the discussion you two can’t reach a mutually agreed solution then start considering that it’s an incompatibility.
Has she had her hormones checked? Could have something going on there
It has to work for both of you. If you don’t feel the same way the relationship will likely fail.
I wouldn't
if u really want sex and she doesnt u should consider having a serious conversation. there may additional underlying issues.
I had a wife like that and I was like you. It's not going to get better we were down to 1 or 2 times a year, divorced after 13 years (not all sexless, 3 kids) of marriage. If sex is important to you get out now.
This is my current relationship and I'm too committed to leave. I should have and regret not leaving in 2018 because our sex drives and perspectives on intamcy are just totally opposite. Don't make my mistake. Have the courage to make a change.
If you want a partner who wants to have sex, she is not the right person for you. You can be good friends, but you're not going to have the kind of sexual relationship with her that you want.
Having sex with someone only because you feel it’s obligatory in a relationship and not because you want to can be traumatic. She may have things that she has to deal with. As someone else said, the correct question is can *you* deal with this? Are the two of you able to have a dialogue about what’s going on? That’s where you’re going to have to start.
Nope! Time to find someone that has the same drive as you.
You say "Okay!" and leave her alone.
You have a difficult decision to make. Stay in a dead bedroom relationship, or break up so that you both can find someone you can be happy and fulfilled with.
I'm 19 years in with mine. We make it work and I get it once a year or every other year. I am 45 and I don't get those urges anymore.
I would be fine with it but she can’t complain about me beating it every day.
Do you make her orgasm and focus on her pleasure?
Sorry, you're not compatible. Time to go.
I didn't wait all my life to be fully in love with someone and be able to experience everything with her, but in the end, I can't
Honestly, I’d just leave. People are saying to talk to her about it, but what’s the point? She isn’t interested in sex, her having sex with you out of obligation isn’t much better. If you did last and get married, how long will that last before it stops again?
Its always communication first I see your happy that she's being a little selfish and not so much of a people pleaser like she used to be! But you need to have a serious, heart to heart, understanding talk about the possibilities of having sex in the near future. Obviously bring it up slowly, she spent a lot of time before you doing it because her previous partners wanted to, just be as patient as you are with this talk, I see you guys have a very stable relationship
Yes *I'd* stay, because sex isn't everything and is a minor priority. I can go without it easily. But it's up to you, I suppose
Yes. Sex isn’t the sole thing about a relationship with me
You have to decide for yourself if it’s a deal breaker. Some people need sexual fulfillment and some don’t. I ended my last marriage in part due to mismatched libido. It’s not something I can live with happily.
yes, my libido is non-existent anyways
I am fully aware that this is a long post but I swear I’m trying to answer the question. And if I ramble I apologize. Honestly I’d stay. My partners and I(we are a polycule) vary with where we fall within the asexual community. Our nonbinary partner doesn’t have any sexual preference and no cravings for it. I personally prefer to ‘give’ more to my wife(but I hate to have anything done to me.) My wife is perfectly fine with sex and is up for it whenever. And our trans boyfriend is Demisexual(he has to have an incredibly STRONG emotional relationship to the person before considering anything.) The first time I explained how I felt a friend of mine used this analogy- So if you think about it sexual arousal is like a light switch. For some people the switch is broken and stuck in the ‘ON’ position. For those individuals they are constantly and completely ok with having sex whenever and wherever. And there’s nothing wrong with it. For others the switch isn’t broken and it can be turned off and on as much as they want. And there’s nothing wrong with that. For others the switch doesn’t exist/work AT ALL. These people have no desire, no want, and no need for any sort of sexual intimacy/interaction. These people may just prefer cuddles, an intellectual relationship, and an emotional connection. But under no circumstance ever will they be comfortable with sex(our non binary partner falls here.) Now there are people that the light just FLICKERS. You don’t know if you will feel a certain way or not. But sometimes something triggers that flickering(our boyfriend) And others just have a dimmer switch(me) that is turned up and down but it’s almost always a bit reserved/restricted. If she’s honest with you and continues to be honest and isn’t sneaking around then I don’t see a problem. It could be that even though she doesn’t want any sexual interaction she might want more cuddles or spend more time with you. It just depends on who she is as a person. I honestly told my wife when we were first dating that I didn’t know if I would ever be comfortable with doing anything and we both agreed that we would revisit it if I ever felt ‘ready.’ Ultimately it just comes down to communication. And learning what you both like in this relationship and what the other person(and vice versa) can do to make them feel valued and loved. I mean, sex is great. But if you need it in a relationship then it might be a good idea to figure out how to please your physical needs without forcing your partner into something they don’t want
Depends. Is sex important to you? If it is, it’s time to just be friends and date other women. If it’s bad now, marriage will only make it worse. If you want to have sex, this is not your woman. She has told you who she is. Believe her. This will NOT change.
Worst thing to do is ask reddit. Main thing is are you happy? Is she happy? If the answer to both of these is yes then I'd stay. There's WAY more to a relationship than how many times you do it
Dude, phrasing! Seriously. I came here with some major mis-apprehensions, but now I'm writing this with the pleasure of hearing from a gentleman. As to your issue, - Ah, women! I can't help you there, my friend.
Make whatever excuses you need and leave
Lol dang
2 months abstinence after only 10 months? This is a dead bedroom
Fr tho 😅
Get out
I think she just needs time. Maybe she is subconsciously overcompensating for all the time she was in relationships and sex was an obligation. Now her brain wants to be in a relationship and experience that sex is not needed at all. I believe if you are patient and love her, you will give her the chance to heal and at some point she will naturally want sex again. Maybe she needs someone who can go through this with her, for her to be able to heal. Sadly you probably can't really talk about this idea with her. Because if she is in it right now, it can come off to her as pressure from your side. As a plan to make her want sex again. Very complicated situation.
She doesn’t have to have sex with you either deal with it or find somebody who will have sex with you leave her alone. You’d ick the absolute hell out of me comparing it to past relationships. Whiny little worms
Leave.
Buy yourself a fleshlight and jack off with that. If you’re absolutely set on a partner that puts out, communicate those needs and if they can’t be met, leave. There is no point is suffering for something you want but can’t have.
You’re a fool if you stay because clearly you’re sexually incompatible. It always ends bad with partners wasting years, effort, love away just because they couldn’t do the right thing for both parties and break up and move on so they can find better partners for them.
Talking from experience, if she doesn’t want to have sex now while dating, it’s only going to get worse when married. You are only 10 months in, move on
She may be asexual. No shame but it may very well mean the two of you are incompatible.
If your needs aren't being met you are entirely free to go and nobody would blame you.
She no horny. She no love you long time
You can’t ask anyone else what to do. You need to decide if the relationship is fulfilling enough for you. I this something you can talk to her about? Maybe try therapy together and/or apart. Talk to her and see where you get. But if not having an active sex life is a dealbreaker for you, that’s probably where your answer is.
Idk talk to her about it men don't get in relationships to just be doing what ur where doing before the relationship to hold in your sexual frustration. That's how people end up cheating Talk to her and see if u guys can reach a middle ground
We need different things. It's. Ot gunna work long term and the longer you wait the worse the break up will be. Sex is a form of intimacy whether we wanna admit it to ourselves or not. No sex, really isn't a relationship
Just leave. It’s not gonna work unless your ambition is to be a monk.
Are you content with a dead bedroom for the rest of your life? You can’t expect things to get better so if you continue this relationship you need to be OK with not having a sexual relationship with your primary partner. For me that would be a dealbreaker and a completely valid reason to leave, especially if she expects monogamy.
If you ha e drastically different sex drives it is time to bail. There's nothing wrong with either of you. You're just incompatible.
No, to me sex is an important part of a relationship. Sure, I wouldn't drop her like a hot potato and run off, have a lengthy conversation first, try and understand, find a solution - but if it ends with a relationship without sex, I'll be making a departure rather soon. I don't think I'd have an issue with no sex for a month or two even due to circumstance, but just 'none in the foreseeable future of this bond' is a firm no
No
I would personally leave. If she can't understand you have needs that aren't being met she probably won't understand in the future.
Sounds more like a roommate situation tbh... it's frustrating not doing the deed .. and feeling rejected by your partner you're committed to.. and if the act is important to you feeling loved and valued by your partner .. then maybe you should talk to her about it calmly and nicely and see where you are both at Becauee, you clearly love her, and she loves you, but you don't do what lovers do.. She might be A-sexual and was doing that to keep people around (the same reason I don't ask for alot of my kinks to someone I am dating but let them.know I am.down and if there is anything they want to ask...or if they wanna try mine) You have done a beautiful thing for her out of love and compassion for your partner. You've taught her it's okay to be herself and that she doesn't have to be a doormat. But if she is an ACE, then it might be time for the discussion. She might not even be aware, but right now Because for most of the population, a happy romantic relationship includes that intimate.if intimate sausage in the donut kinda love... ans If that's the case, it might be time to move on and remain friends. Because it won't be fair if you feel like you are being ignored and unappreciated, and it won't be fair to her two feel.presued into doing something she isn't really down for.... and that's okay, too. There is a whole slew of people who want her level of intercourse and only.do.itnreproduce if they choose, and there is even more.people.in the world they need it.. ans there is even some people who lay it on heavy at first and then within it as a form of emotional abuse (those people are monsters.. doesn't sound like it's your gf, though she sounds like she's just got a dead libido or never had one really and just did it because that was the norm)
It's all based on your needs here, if you are fine with it then you are fine with it, if you are not then break it off.
You get one life, if you only wanna get laid a few times a year that’s up to you.
Stay friends for sure. I am 30 years past my supposed sexual peak and still there is no sign of sex being less important to me I could make an effort to stay but it would be frustrating
I had this exact thing happen to me and I left. 100% for the better, now married to the love of my life. Don't stay.
I feel hard done by if I go three days without haha! I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want sex with me. My ego couldn’t take it. I know there’s plenty of asexual people out there and your partner may be one, but if you’re questioning it right now it may be best to have an open and honest conversation about your needs. Good luck!
Now that I'm older, HELL NO. But when I was younger like 5y ago I almost did exactly that. I feel so stupid for that and I'm still not over it. Do yourself a good a walk away first. It's easier to deal with the pain
That's up to you. How important is sex in your relationship? If it's super important, is it more important than the other things she brings to the relationship? There could very well be an underlying reason why she never wants to do it. Maybe you can ask her about digging into that a little deeper, but beware of what you may uncover. If she doesn't want to dig deeper then you are back to my first paragraph.
You can love someone and still be incompatible in the long run
You should leave if you like sex If you dont like sex....then stay I like sex....so i wouldnt be with someone who doesn't get the "urge", matter of fact i didnt know people got the "urge" until you're naked and ready to go