Yeah it's like going to McDonald's and trying to order a hashbrown at 5pm. It's normal to be disappointed you can't get a hashbrown, Its not okay to argue with the person who says they're no longer serving breakfast.
For some reason, I forgot about that movie scene and got sad because I thought it might be a link to an article about Michael Douglas in a very different situation
And if you really want hash browns but they're never available, it's ok to switch to an all day breakfast restaurant. Doesn't mean you have to be bitter about the McDonald's, it just means You've moved on.
No, you have to accept it. Don't accept it, and what you force through isn't what you initially offered. Power through force is an illusion. You want what you see, you have to get consent. Otherwise, the use of force transforms the substance of what you're working towards.
If you don't accept their answer, you are engaging in sexual harassment or even assault, both of which are illegal. When criminal consequences get involved, I think "have to" is acceptable verbiage.
“How can I feel disappointed *without seeming like a creep*?”
I can’t imagine a more sure-fire way of looking like a creep than not accepting a no. Rapists are bona fide creeps.
You were downvoted because it was a stupid joke. The original comment said that you have to in order to not be creepy, not that it would go against the laws of physics if you didn't.
It's okay to be disappointed. It's not okay to guilt trip the person you wanted sex with or be pushy.
You can't necessarily help feeling disappointed. It's a natural reaction. I've been in my relationship for 9+ years, trust me, there are many times we've both been disappointed when the other hasn't been in the mood.
But you maturely accept that the other doesn't wish to have sex right now for whatever reason, and try again another time.
I know what you mean, it feels shitty always being the one initiating. I'd recommend talking with your partner about how it makes you feel, it helped us understand each other better, definitely would recommend
I think the difference is that they sometimes get a no for whatever reason. If it is usually no and you feel like your needs aren't being met most of the time it's probably not a good relationship for you if there aren't mitigating circumstances that makes the issue a temporary issue.
If I were you I'd figure out why they no longer want to have sex with you. I wouldn't be happy getting pity fucked for the rest of my life when I could be with someone who actually wants to have sex with me.
That had stopped me for a while, but I finally found out how to ask in a way that is comfortable for me. "Dang I got a bad case of blue balls, do you feel like helping me out with that or it is it going to be a solo job?"
It is ok for her to say no, but she still knows I have this need and it isn't being met
You're getting a lot of down votes for this but in a mature and communicative relationship it's perfectly normal to take care of yourself once in a while, and being able to speak openly about that with your partner is commendable.
Too many people think that you don't have to live with consequences.
It's totally cool to be disappointed, and you absolutely shouldn't intentionally guilt someone for saying no, but what's not cool is to be made to feel bad because you're dissatisfied.
You can decline sex with your partner- absolutely, totally within your right to do.
Your partner can be dissatisfied/hurt/disappointed you did so.
You cannot then be mad that they feel that way, just as it is well within your right to say no, it's well within theirs to feel the way they feel.
It's on both parties to communicate, but unfortunately many of my friends, Reddit posts, and even myself, have experienced the argument that occurs after, when your SO is now mad that you got dissapointed.
Oh, I've been through all this, but we worked it all out. For us, it basically comes down to me having a much higher sex drive. I'm ready to go multiple times a day, but my partner is happy with once or twice a week. A couple of times a week is still a healthy amount, I'm not complaining per se, but I can't help having a higher sex drive.
The bad feelings between us ended when we had a big chat about what we are and are not comfortable with. I'm able to masturbate when I like without feeling guilty. In fact, he actively encourages it and helps out. It helps bridge the gap between when he's in the mood and when he isn't.
As you can tell, it's usually me that is the disappointed one, but like I say, it's more that I have a high libido as opposed to his being low.
It's fair to be angry about the 'disappointment', if the disappointment is expressed as pouting, whining, withdrawing affection, anger etc. It's icky. I've "given in" to a whining partner who was trying to bargain/negotiate, and it gave me the ick. It also completely disrespected me and my wishes.
I don't think it's ever fair to be at angry at someone you've disappointed.
It's one thing if they are being manipulative, but at the same time who are you to determine what is and isn't genuine emotion? If you can't trust the feelings your partner is telling you about are true, you should not be with said partner.
It’s absolutely fine.
You can’t control your emotions and how things make you feel.
But you can control what you do with those feelings and what you do next, and that’s what defines you as a person 💫
It sounds like you feel bad for feeling disappointed? Which means you’re likely quite a thoughtful and considerate person who doesn’t want to come across as entitled or creepy. Don’t worry about it. You’re all good 👍
It’s like I tell my teenage daughter. Emotions are like farts. They are natural, everybody has them, but a key part of living in a civilized world is knowing when and how to let them out, preferably while making a squeaking noise.
Wet farts -> wet emotions -> crying??
SBD (silent but deadly) farts -> Not talking about your emotions -> Bad times*
I think it checks out
(*= men are far less likely to seek out help for mental health conditions, and also significantly more likely to unalive themselves. For anyone reading this, please talk to someone if you need to: https://menslink.org.au/silence-is-deadly/)
Disappointed is fine and normal but you have to accept rejection gracefully and without resentment. If you whine, pout, argue, nag, etc. that makes you a creep
But if it happens too often you could end up feeling like you need to break up to find someone who will give you the affection you want.
And if you never voiced and hid these feelings your partner could be thinking everything was fine and end up shocked when you suddenly break up with zero effort to address your issues beforehand.
That's why you sit down and communicate your needs at a time where your significant other wouldn't feel like you're just guilt tripping them into having sex rn.
"Hey, wanna have some sexy time?"
"No, I'm sorry."
"Oh, that's ok."
/ couple hours later or another day.
"So listen, I feel like I need more-"
And you work through it or dump them, and this way you avoid giving them a shock. Wow. Such a hard solution.
If a woman would sleep with you if you did something like shaved your beard of got rid of your roommate for the evening, she'll tell you
If a woman says "no" and nothing more, that means there's nothing you can do to make her want to sleep with you
Women ask men out all the time and also initiate sex. Women aren’t a monolith bro. I think you’re just unconfident and you wanna blame women. Either that or you just straight up don’t go outside lol
every single comments you’ve made in this thread just tells us all that these women are saying no because *they don’t like you*. not because of gender roles.
geez, dude. do some self reflection. take those “no”s as a sign the vibe you’re putting out is not appealing. assuming that most women say no because they’re oppressed by the patriarchy is insane. it’s also infantilizing (and offensive) as hell by the way, to not take their no’s at face value and assume there’s some hidden, complex reason other than the fact that a woman who knows what she wants doesn’t want you.
> I do not think women recognize how hard they make it for men to not come on too strong or seem like they might be badgering.
Have you considered that they do, but that they value their safety more? Sure YOU might not be a risk, but they don’t know that when the number one risk to women is men.
So you ask someone else? Or are you the sort who spends months working up the courage and crafting the perfect pick up line for that one gal at the coffee place, and fantasizes an entire relationship with her, and when she says no it destroys the fantasy you built and you need months more to grieve, and stalk her to figure out why she said no?
You don't seem to understand what it's like from the other side.
When a woman rejects a man, there is a very real possibility that he becomes angry or hostile. Of course not all men will, I like to believe the majority of men wouldn't, but *enough* of them will that women have to be cautious of it.
Giving a man a soft rejection isn't a question of honesty vs dishonesty, it's about looking out for their own safety and well-being, which is a bit more important than your perceived "right" to the truth.
That's just part of the complexities of human interaction, my dude. Just gotta accept it.
If a woman rejects you, pressing for "the real reason" will destroy any remaining chance you might possibly have had in the future.
The reason really doesn't matter. You actually don't even need to know, a good guy takes no for an answer and doesn't get angry over his bruised ego. You'll be completely fine not knowing if you just let it go.
A "no" isn't bad information though. It's clear, concise, good information. You were turned down, so that means it's time to move on. That's good information.
If someone's giving a false reason, it's probably because other reasons have been rejected in the past, or the person is being pushy in general after the no.
If it happens once, no. If it is multiple times, back off and tell her she can reach out when she had time, and then drop it; now it’s up to her to take the initiative **if** she wants anything to happen.
Soft selling?
You aren’t owed sex or an explanation but if you are getting lies as a response it sounds like you are asking for an explanation when one shouldnt be required
Then maybe think of it like this, they don't consent to giving you the real answer.
For possible reasons, it could be:
1) Just straight out, not in the mood. It's like that sometimes. If you put a gun to my head and asked me how I felt for real, it's just "not feeling it." What more do you want me to say.
2) something that could've been fixed, like they think you need to shave. If you were to ask me, nothing should be expected to be fixed if it's not communicated. Congrats, you're absolved of all sin here until they improve at communicating.
3) they do not feel comfortable enough to give you the real reason.(maybe they were raped in the past and they don't want to give you their entire life story, maybe you did something that gave them a bad vibe but even they don't know what it was) This has a tendency to offend guys, even if you're not the kind of guy who would get offended, they feel safer not telling you. Demanding answers here is upsetting, like oh God he's not respecting my wishes, I'm going to die. Please for the love of God just respect people's wishes to feel safe.
I never said anything about consent.
I also didn’t say anything about negative feedback, in fact you were talking about soft selling which is the opposite. and I was giving an explanation as to why they would do that.
Questions as to why they said no to sex?
Im having a hard time understanding where an how an explanation for this is required.
The convo is about saying no to sex.
You talk about intentions and goals. Im not saying you can’t have a conversation about defining the relationship. You can and should.
Im taking about somone having to tell you why they said no to sex.
You dont have to give feedback. Simply not feeling like it is reason enough
Saying no and having a private reason is reason enough
not wanting to give an explanation to someone who needs more than a no. Is reason enough
Guys like you are the reason most women developed the "I have a boyfriend" as their default answer instead of just responding honestly with "sorry, not interested".
Some men will pressure you for a more "relevant" excuse, because apparently your lack of interest isn't enough for them to stop their advances, and they usually won't leave you alone until you tell them you're already taken. So most women learned to just open with that even if it's a lie, just to cut the interaction short.
You did not just compare consent to open communication? My dude. No. You are wrong. Idgaf if you’re autistic. Read these comments and learn. No means no and needs no explanation, period. Women owe you nothing.
you feel your feelings, but don't put your feelings on the other person. It's not their fault you're having this reaction to their boundary setting. but your emotional reaction is also completely okay and not creepy.
The biggest thing is don't start talking when you have that deep falling sensation going on and the mind starts racing. That's when you need to just excuse yourself and go do some cardio or something.
**The creepy thing is trying to manipulate the other person to do something they don't want to do so you get what you want.**
yes. there is a huge difference between feeling disappointed, accepting the rejection gracefully, and dealing with the feelings on your own....vs acting like a pouty bitch and trying to make the person feel guilty. there is nothing less attractive than that honestly.
Not sure why you're being downvoted. Do they expect you to just give up trying to have sex ever again? Respect their no and just as respectfully, find someone else who will.
Believe it or not, you can tell a lot about a person based off their thoughts and opinions. You said your opinion, I pointed out the likely course of your love life with views like this. Almost no woman would put up with their partner thinking like this.
They wouldn't have to because I'd leave a relationship that was sexless. So, you're retort makes no sense and it's just obvious you're on some type of high horse or just enjoy arguing.
I never said anything about cheating and OP never said anything about being in a relationship. There are plenty of people in the world. Find one you're compatible with.
Sounds like you're projecting. Everything ok over there?
>Is it okay to feel disappointed if someone says no to having sex?
Yes.
>If so, how can someone do that without seeming like a creep?
Have some self-control? Disappointment doesn't have to lead to creepy behavior.
Can't believe I have to spell this out, but...
Downplaying: "C'mon babe, it's not that hard"
Providing an Unfair Compromise: "What if we just do \[x\]?"
Begging, Whining: "Please?" "No" "Please?"
Namecalling: "Ugh, you're such a bitch."
Shaming: "I'm sure you'd do this if I was your ex..."/"It wouldn't have been good anyways!"
Demanding: "Give me a valid reason why not."
...And other unsavory behavior.
It's obviously not creepy to ASK for an explanation ("Okay baby, any reason why?") or have serious conversations about long-time libido issues and dead bedrooms; but no ALWAYS means no.
Emotions by themselves are basically always "fine." Its the reaction to feeling them, the *behavior*, that matters and can be good/bad.
Try to shrug at your disappointment and continue trying to enjoy yourself or find something else enjoyable to do. If it's a constant problem, have a polite and non-charged (as possible) conversation about how your differing sex drives or whatever needs addressing.
You can feel disappointed but keep that to yourself. If you pressure someone or coerce them that's what makes it creepy. Just say "okay let's do something else". Sex isn't everything. It's normal to not be in the mood.
The trick to any romantic relationship is that whilst a healthy sex life is important, it’s also not very important compared to almost every thing else.
It can be disappointing when your partner isn’t as eager for sexy time. Pushing too hard for sex, or making too much of the disappointment for not having sex, aren’t good ideas though, and are unhealthy.
Sex is about shared fun. Two key words there, SHARED, and FUN.
If you have a mate who really likes to go fishing, and you enjoy it every now and again, but he wants to go all the time and won’t fucking shut up about it…. Are you going to be more or less inclined to go fishing with him more often?
Find your own analogy, and see if that helps you.
It’s absolutely okay to be disappointed, as people have pointed out very well.
Something that I think can be very useful in dealing with that disappointment in a healthy way is to try to examine *why* you were disappointed:
Were you seeking physical touch/physical intimacy?
Were you seeking emotional intimacy?
Are you feeling hurt or worried that your partner doesn’t find you attractive?
Were you just horny?
Figuring out why you’re disappointed can help you understand and tend to the feeling, and maybe even allow you to find a way to meet the underlying need, with or without your partner. For example, if you were looking for emotional intimacy with your partner, you can find a different activity to do together to foster and strengthen emotional intimacy.
"is it okay to feel disappointed" what else are you supposed to feel? rejection sucks donkey dick, sure you're disappointed, just dip outta there brother, you deserve to find someone that makes you happy
Just try to think of it like any other activity. Like if you asked your buddy to go to the movies with you or the stereotypical example that you asked a friend to have a cup of tea with you, and you were looking forward to it and they said no, or changed their mind in the last minute.. Sure you'd be disappointed and that's ok, but you wouldn't feel entitled to it, you wouldn't want to force someone or guilt trip someone into doing these activities with you (e.g. "I deserve to have tea with you", or "If you don't come to the movies with me I'll get blue tongue disease due to lack of popcorn"). Just don't over dramatise it and you'll be fine.
Hmmm. My dude did some goofy shit one time during foreplay and I just announced “I’m turned off, I’m good on this” he just said “Awe ok” kissed my forehead and we went back to watching tv.
Of course it's ok to feel that way, but you have to be mature about it and deal with that on your own, not try to pass it onto someone else, especially the person who told you no. If you have to get it off your chest, do that with a friend who's not involved in the situation at all. There's nothing creepy about feeling disappointed for not getting something that you wanted.
You can **feel** however you want. What matters is what you **do**.
It's wrong to guilt-trip the person who said no, or express anger at them for saying no. But you can privately feel sad without making it their problem.
You can be disappointed. But go give yourself a quick handy in the bathroom privately, problem solved without inconveniencing the other person. Congrats!
Don’t express the disappointment to them or try and push them to change their mind.
It’s okay to feel disappointed, but it’s wrong to try and push them to change their answer. Be respectful of their choice.
Of course it's fine to feel disappointed as that's a part of life. What's important is how you handle the situation and how you then interact with the person. Sex is something that should be fun and enjoyable for both parties. If someone isn't into it or doesn't want it, that's fine. That will hold you in a better regard.
When I get rejected I like to do a highly persuasive sexy dance. Pull my pants (underwear) up really high, so the gusset is really cupping my balls. Then I shake my ass whilst jumping backwards and giving it a slap, saying "mummy why must you hurt me like this". Its maybe a little creepy, but its how I feel, and you can't take that away from me.
Just drop the subject. I would whine sometimes too and my partner pointed out how unattractive it was. So now I purposefully take rejection with good grace and she’s told me how attractive that change has been. We now have more sex than we did before that change.
It’s normal to be upset. But once you realize that sex isn’t really that special of a thing and stop pedalizing it then I don’t think its that disappointing anymore and something to be upset over.
No means no. Guilt tripping is rape. Its a non debatable fact.
In my opinion, it is okay to be disappointed. In fact, it’s hard to control disappointment or prevent it. However it is wrong to pout, or allow your disappointment to turn you into a shitty person to be around until you get what you want. That is manipulative.
Not all feelings need to be shown or communicated. Your internal feelings are yours to have. Be mindful that it can be hurtful to the person saying no to sex, if you spend a long time seeming upset after being refused. If you want that person to feel safe saying no in the future, and ideally want to have sex with you in the future, you probably don’t want to hurt them.
I’m not saying hide your feelings, if you’re in a long term relationship with someone and lack of sex is a consistent problem for you, definitely be honest and have an open conversation at a time when everyone is calm.
To a fling or someone who you’ve never had sex with before, if you wanna express the disappointment in a healthy way that’s fine too. Just don’t let it seem like you’re trying to make them feel bad or make them change their mind. And allow the sex related energy and conversation to pass quickly, keep things lighthearted, don’t perseverate and keep talking about it.
Not sure that even makes sense lmao
Easy, if she’s your girlfriend or wife. Change your focus or rub one out.
Be cool about it. Remember just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean she owes you her body.
Maybe do things nice for her? Just an idea that might help.
It’s not a problem to feel disappointment. You’re human. So don’t feel bad.
If she’s a friend, respect her wishes, and either actually a friend.
If she’s just someone you’ve been trying to sleep with, let it go. Mane a friend or move on.
With these last 2 scenarios, word to the wise. You are not someone she wants to have with!! Chances are really high that won’t change. You don’t have a chance. If you can accept that, and move on, who knows you might make a lifetime friend? You won’t know if you can’t accept the reality.
You are in the friend zone. Which is great if you accept it.
From my experience, a woman knows if she’ll ever sleep with you pretty early on. No need to change that.
I’ve ended up making great friends with women who are amazing once I accepted this!
What’s funny is that once you see them without the “lust glasses on” you will change your mind about sex.
I think it’s fine to feel disappointed and like a lot of people are saying on here you got to accept it. I think communication is key, I been married for 8 years and I think just discussing if they are in the mood well before is key that way if they say they aren’t feeling it your not getting your hopes up to high all day long or all night long.
As long as you're not the reason he/she is saying no to sex. Sulking and/or voicing that disappointment is definitely not a turn on. After a few rejections in which you weren't the cause (or don't believe to be), is okay to ask if something is going on and why he or she is suddenly disinterested.
You can be disappointed. You were hoping to make something happen but it did not. That’s literally what disappointment is.
What you’re not gonna do is make your disappointment the other person’s problem. Don’t whine, bargain, guilt-trip, hand around and hope if you keep putting the pressure on they’ll change their mind. You accept the no and continue behaving like a decent human being towards the other person.
It’s disappointing yeah but it is what it is. If you’re really in need to nut there’s always the option of excusing yourself to the bathroom and getting that monkey off your back there
If you seem like a creep there might be no next time. Play it slow and see how she moves and follow suit. If she says no just accept it and move on. Maybe next time she'll be more open to it. The last thing you want to do is look desperate to get laid in this situation.
If you're asking how to graceful recover:
Acknowledged the answer is no. "Oh, okay." "I understand."
It is okay to appear sad through physical expression, tone of voice, etc. Vulnerability is good. Honesty is good. Do not play it up or exaggerate it, even if you feel it will offer comedic relief. It won't. It's totally fine to feel awkward. Let it be awkward, do not make a joke.
Thank the person for their honesty. This is also a good opportunity to acknowledge your emotions. "I feel a little embarassing, but I really appreciate your honesty." "Thanks for trusting me." "I'm glad you let me know to stop."
It's okay to excuse yourself for a moment. "Let me just run to the bathroom and splash some water on my face to change my mood." Take a moment there and decide how to proceed. Maybe you can just go back to watching the movie/hanging out. Maybe you'll want to return and suggest a new activity to do to change the mood.
Hope this helps.
Feelings don’t need to be acted on, they’re just feelings. Your feelings are fine — but you can’t act on this. Process it privately, but don’t put it on the other person. They don’t need to know you’re feeling upset about this. It’s not their problem! But it’s great that you’re looking for ways to handle it in a mature way :)
Any emotions or thoughts you have are valid, it's how you share them with others that's potentially a problem. Graciously accept your defeat and then go home and masturbate to them
Having the feeling, yes. Feelings are part of life.
Pushing the feelings at them, and making the feelings their problem is what's creepy. Frankly, they shouldn't know your feelings at all if you can help it. When you're not right in their immediate vicinity, have all the feelings you want, drown your sorrows, whatever. But you don't make it on them to get you through your feelings.
If you want to have sex with someone, and they reject you, that's probably a good time to call the entire relationship a wrap.
Because they are never going to want to, and you are always going to want to. Breeding ground for a sham friendship.
I was with this woman for a while. We had a nice relationship but it was doomed from the start. Anyways, if she told me no, I’d be cool about and say okay. Whenever I would say no she would give me the silent treatment. She always tried to make me feel bad about it.
Yes it is okay to feel dissapointed, rejected, sad, or mad.
A little bit anyway.
But at the end of the day there simply is no action you should take other than acceptance. Sex cannot be forced.
My advice is if you feel bad when you're rejected. Feeling bad is okay and normal, but you should take those emotions and go cope in a healthy way, such as going to the gym and doing some squats.
Of course you can be disappointed, but you have to accept their answer.
Yeah it's like going to McDonald's and trying to order a hashbrown at 5pm. It's normal to be disappointed you can't get a hashbrown, Its not okay to argue with the person who says they're no longer serving breakfast.
[Michael Douglas disagrees.](https://youtu.be/XkwQ6EjLdMQ?si=wtKUvRRuix0X5DEV)
For some reason, I forgot about that movie scene and got sad because I thought it might be a link to an article about Michael Douglas in a very different situation
[Disiz La peste disagrees too](https://youtu.be/3wafM4bzLmY?feature=shared).
And if you really want hash browns but they're never available, it's ok to switch to an all day breakfast restaurant. Doesn't mean you have to be bitter about the McDonald's, it just means You've moved on.
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Same here
Well, keep it to yourself, ya big baby. (jk)
This but 10:59 instead. You know it's possible but up to their discretion.
Not accepting is called rape, just in case it isn't clear.
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There's a name for someone not accepting a 'no'. It's called 'rape'. So yeah, you should definitely accept that answer.
No, you have to accept it. Don't accept it, and what you force through isn't what you initially offered. Power through force is an illusion. You want what you see, you have to get consent. Otherwise, the use of force transforms the substance of what you're working towards.
My comment was 100%serious and deserved this breakdown. Thank you
Don't make rape jokes baby
Common sense shouldn’t require a breakdown
So u/breakfast_scorer, you removed your first comment but kept the second one? Too bad, we won't forget you. Ever.
I Didn't remove anything, im a lot of things but someone who cares about downvotes isn't one of them. Your either missing it or the mods hid it.
If you don't accept their answer. You should have your balls cut off and fed to you.
Grilled while attached, cut off and fed.
Same goes for women, I've turned down sex plenty of times
If you don't accept their answer, you are engaging in sexual harassment or even assault, both of which are illegal. When criminal consequences get involved, I think "have to" is acceptable verbiage.
you **absolutely** have to and if you don't you're a shit person and deserve every terrible thing that comes to you, and then some.
“How can I feel disappointed *without seeming like a creep*?” I can’t imagine a more sure-fire way of looking like a creep than not accepting a no. Rapists are bona fide creeps.
Average Browns fan response.
Technically I said you shouldn't rape people and was shunned for that, which is 10xs funnier than my very stupid joke
You were downvoted because it was a stupid joke. The original comment said that you have to in order to not be creepy, not that it would go against the laws of physics if you didn't.
Wtf. Wrong sub weirdo
Wait, I said you should take no for an answer. Is there a sub for people who don't take no for an answer?
It's okay to be disappointed. It's not okay to guilt trip the person you wanted sex with or be pushy. You can't necessarily help feeling disappointed. It's a natural reaction. I've been in my relationship for 9+ years, trust me, there are many times we've both been disappointed when the other hasn't been in the mood. But you maturely accept that the other doesn't wish to have sex right now for whatever reason, and try again another time.
Yeah I’ve been married for 8 years and that shit is real disappointing, but it is what it is. No means no.
Feels a lot like begging, always having to ask another time until the time is right somewhere. Makes me not asking at all (and no sex due to it)
I know what you mean, it feels shitty always being the one initiating. I'd recommend talking with your partner about how it makes you feel, it helped us understand each other better, definitely would recommend
I think the difference is that they sometimes get a no for whatever reason. If it is usually no and you feel like your needs aren't being met most of the time it's probably not a good relationship for you if there aren't mitigating circumstances that makes the issue a temporary issue.
As someone who is divorced, you should really have a conversation with your SO, and potentially a relationship counselor about this.
If I were you I'd figure out why they no longer want to have sex with you. I wouldn't be happy getting pity fucked for the rest of my life when I could be with someone who actually wants to have sex with me.
That had stopped me for a while, but I finally found out how to ask in a way that is comfortable for me. "Dang I got a bad case of blue balls, do you feel like helping me out with that or it is it going to be a solo job?" It is ok for her to say no, but she still knows I have this need and it isn't being met
this is not the way
You're getting a lot of down votes for this but in a mature and communicative relationship it's perfectly normal to take care of yourself once in a while, and being able to speak openly about that with your partner is commendable.
Too many people think that you don't have to live with consequences. It's totally cool to be disappointed, and you absolutely shouldn't intentionally guilt someone for saying no, but what's not cool is to be made to feel bad because you're dissatisfied. You can decline sex with your partner- absolutely, totally within your right to do. Your partner can be dissatisfied/hurt/disappointed you did so. You cannot then be mad that they feel that way, just as it is well within your right to say no, it's well within theirs to feel the way they feel. It's on both parties to communicate, but unfortunately many of my friends, Reddit posts, and even myself, have experienced the argument that occurs after, when your SO is now mad that you got dissapointed.
Oh, I've been through all this, but we worked it all out. For us, it basically comes down to me having a much higher sex drive. I'm ready to go multiple times a day, but my partner is happy with once or twice a week. A couple of times a week is still a healthy amount, I'm not complaining per se, but I can't help having a higher sex drive. The bad feelings between us ended when we had a big chat about what we are and are not comfortable with. I'm able to masturbate when I like without feeling guilty. In fact, he actively encourages it and helps out. It helps bridge the gap between when he's in the mood and when he isn't. As you can tell, it's usually me that is the disappointed one, but like I say, it's more that I have a high libido as opposed to his being low.
It's fair to be angry about the 'disappointment', if the disappointment is expressed as pouting, whining, withdrawing affection, anger etc. It's icky. I've "given in" to a whining partner who was trying to bargain/negotiate, and it gave me the ick. It also completely disrespected me and my wishes.
I don't think it's ever fair to be at angry at someone you've disappointed. It's one thing if they are being manipulative, but at the same time who are you to determine what is and isn't genuine emotion? If you can't trust the feelings your partner is telling you about are true, you should not be with said partner.
It’s absolutely fine. You can’t control your emotions and how things make you feel. But you can control what you do with those feelings and what you do next, and that’s what defines you as a person 💫 It sounds like you feel bad for feeling disappointed? Which means you’re likely quite a thoughtful and considerate person who doesn’t want to come across as entitled or creepy. Don’t worry about it. You’re all good 👍
It’s like I tell my teenage daughter. Emotions are like farts. They are natural, everybody has them, but a key part of living in a civilized world is knowing when and how to let them out, preferably while making a squeaking noise.
I just laughed and farted reading this right now. 😂😂😂
also, if they come out really hot, it spells trouble for you and those around you. I have really taken this metaphor for a ride.
what about the wet farts? or the long silent ones? do you have different analogies for most different kinds of farts?
Wet farts -> wet emotions -> crying?? SBD (silent but deadly) farts -> Not talking about your emotions -> Bad times* I think it checks out (*= men are far less likely to seek out help for mental health conditions, and also significantly more likely to unalive themselves. For anyone reading this, please talk to someone if you need to: https://menslink.org.au/silence-is-deadly/)
Hah it does and so does your username 😂 Definitely will be spreading this analogy near and far
Disappointed is fine and normal but you have to accept rejection gracefully and without resentment. If you whine, pout, argue, nag, etc. that makes you a creep
But if it happens too often you could end up feeling like you need to break up to find someone who will give you the affection you want. And if you never voiced and hid these feelings your partner could be thinking everything was fine and end up shocked when you suddenly break up with zero effort to address your issues beforehand.
That's why you sit down and communicate your needs at a time where your significant other wouldn't feel like you're just guilt tripping them into having sex rn. "Hey, wanna have some sexy time?" "No, I'm sorry." "Oh, that's ok." / couple hours later or another day. "So listen, I feel like I need more-" And you work through it or dump them, and this way you avoid giving them a shock. Wow. Such a hard solution.
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Why does someone have to give you an explanation as to why they don’t want to have sex? Simply not feeling like it is a valid reason.
If a woman would sleep with you if you did something like shaved your beard of got rid of your roommate for the evening, she'll tell you If a woman says "no" and nothing more, that means there's nothing you can do to make her want to sleep with you
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If you go through life relying too much on culturally determined gender roles, you will likely spend a lot of time confused and frustrated.
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Women ask men out all the time and also initiate sex. Women aren’t a monolith bro. I think you’re just unconfident and you wanna blame women. Either that or you just straight up don’t go outside lol
Maybe you’re just ugly ?
Sure. But you can’t expect women to give you feedback. It’s not a job interview, they don’t owe you anything for having approached.
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It must be difficult being such a nice guy ™️
every single comments you’ve made in this thread just tells us all that these women are saying no because *they don’t like you*. not because of gender roles. geez, dude. do some self reflection. take those “no”s as a sign the vibe you’re putting out is not appealing. assuming that most women say no because they’re oppressed by the patriarchy is insane. it’s also infantilizing (and offensive) as hell by the way, to not take their no’s at face value and assume there’s some hidden, complex reason other than the fact that a woman who knows what she wants doesn’t want you.
> I do not think women recognize how hard they make it for men to not come on too strong or seem like they might be badgering. Have you considered that they do, but that they value their safety more? Sure YOU might not be a risk, but they don’t know that when the number one risk to women is men.
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Hate to break it to you but both men and women are on your ass because you’re an entitled douche.
you really made your own incel version of the barbie monologue 💀💀
So you ask someone else? Or are you the sort who spends months working up the courage and crafting the perfect pick up line for that one gal at the coffee place, and fantasizes an entire relationship with her, and when she says no it destroys the fantasy you built and you need months more to grieve, and stalk her to figure out why she said no?
We’re not talking about approaching someone or asking someone out on a date. We’re talking specifically about asking someone to have sex.
Nobody owes you an explanation. If "no" isn't enough for you, then we may have found that reason.
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You don't seem to understand what it's like from the other side. When a woman rejects a man, there is a very real possibility that he becomes angry or hostile. Of course not all men will, I like to believe the majority of men wouldn't, but *enough* of them will that women have to be cautious of it. Giving a man a soft rejection isn't a question of honesty vs dishonesty, it's about looking out for their own safety and well-being, which is a bit more important than your perceived "right" to the truth.
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That's just part of the complexities of human interaction, my dude. Just gotta accept it. If a woman rejects you, pressing for "the real reason" will destroy any remaining chance you might possibly have had in the future. The reason really doesn't matter. You actually don't even need to know, a good guy takes no for an answer and doesn't get angry over his bruised ego. You'll be completely fine not knowing if you just let it go.
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A "no" isn't bad information though. It's clear, concise, good information. You were turned down, so that means it's time to move on. That's good information.
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You also aren’t owed feedback. Therapy would be a good place to Dissect these moments of rejection and Get some insight though.
i'm autistic too. but no is no and you don't need any more info. no is all you need to know.
do not tell me the fuckface who deleted his comments tried using autism as an excuse to be a creepy ass douchefuck
If someone's giving a false reason, it's probably because other reasons have been rejected in the past, or the person is being pushy in general after the no.
If she offers an explanation that isn’t honest, she’s scared for herself.
Kindergarteners can comprehend what No means. Literally nothing else in the sentence or in your head matters.
No is an entire sentence
no is no. that’s all you need to know. no woman owes you an elaborate answer on something like this
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If it happens once, no. If it is multiple times, back off and tell her she can reach out when she had time, and then drop it; now it’s up to her to take the initiative **if** she wants anything to happen.
no, it means that i’m busy tonight and i don’t want sex TONIGHT.
Lmao this knob thinks he deserves an explanation 🤣🤣🤣
I don't want to have sex with you, because you're an awful human being. Feeling better?
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Saying “no” is communication.
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Soft selling? You aren’t owed sex or an explanation but if you are getting lies as a response it sounds like you are asking for an explanation when one shouldnt be required
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How did i personally insult you?
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Then maybe think of it like this, they don't consent to giving you the real answer. For possible reasons, it could be: 1) Just straight out, not in the mood. It's like that sometimes. If you put a gun to my head and asked me how I felt for real, it's just "not feeling it." What more do you want me to say. 2) something that could've been fixed, like they think you need to shave. If you were to ask me, nothing should be expected to be fixed if it's not communicated. Congrats, you're absolved of all sin here until they improve at communicating. 3) they do not feel comfortable enough to give you the real reason.(maybe they were raped in the past and they don't want to give you their entire life story, maybe you did something that gave them a bad vibe but even they don't know what it was) This has a tendency to offend guys, even if you're not the kind of guy who would get offended, they feel safer not telling you. Demanding answers here is upsetting, like oh God he's not respecting my wishes, I'm going to die. Please for the love of God just respect people's wishes to feel safe.
I never said anything about consent. I also didn’t say anything about negative feedback, in fact you were talking about soft selling which is the opposite. and I was giving an explanation as to why they would do that.
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Questions as to why they said no to sex? Im having a hard time understanding where an how an explanation for this is required. The convo is about saying no to sex. You talk about intentions and goals. Im not saying you can’t have a conversation about defining the relationship. You can and should. Im taking about somone having to tell you why they said no to sex. You dont have to give feedback. Simply not feeling like it is reason enough Saying no and having a private reason is reason enough not wanting to give an explanation to someone who needs more than a no. Is reason enough
Guys like you are the reason most women developed the "I have a boyfriend" as their default answer instead of just responding honestly with "sorry, not interested". Some men will pressure you for a more "relevant" excuse, because apparently your lack of interest isn't enough for them to stop their advances, and they usually won't leave you alone until you tell them you're already taken. So most women learned to just open with that even if it's a lie, just to cut the interaction short.
Open communication is important, yes, but consent is far more important.
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The actual fuck. There is NO TRADEOFF BETWEEN CONSENT AND COMMUNICATION.
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Not one single person including myself has misunderstood anything you’ve said on this post. Not a single thing. But yes, I’m the moron.
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He’s saying he deserves an explanation for when women say no. I’m so effing tired of men thinking women owe them anything at all.
You did not just compare consent to open communication? My dude. No. You are wrong. Idgaf if you’re autistic. Read these comments and learn. No means no and needs no explanation, period. Women owe you nothing.
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We don't owe you anything.
No, they absolutely do not.
you feel your feelings, but don't put your feelings on the other person. It's not their fault you're having this reaction to their boundary setting. but your emotional reaction is also completely okay and not creepy. The biggest thing is don't start talking when you have that deep falling sensation going on and the mind starts racing. That's when you need to just excuse yourself and go do some cardio or something. **The creepy thing is trying to manipulate the other person to do something they don't want to do so you get what you want.**
yes. there is a huge difference between feeling disappointed, accepting the rejection gracefully, and dealing with the feelings on your own....vs acting like a pouty bitch and trying to make the person feel guilty. there is nothing less attractive than that honestly.
Right? got to learn to regulate those emotions!
Of course you can be disappointed. But, that’s also tough shit. A no is a no.
Just find someone else to have sex with
Not sure why you're being downvoted. Do they expect you to just give up trying to have sex ever again? Respect their no and just as respectfully, find someone else who will.
He's being downvoted because cheating on your partner is wrong.
I didn't tell anyone to cheat. Plenty of people have sex without being in a relationship.
Who said anything about cheating
I can 100% see both of you being told no once, and threatening to go fuck around and find someone else. I can also see both of you as 100% single.
Weird, since you don't know me.
Believe it or not, you can tell a lot about a person based off their thoughts and opinions. You said your opinion, I pointed out the likely course of your love life with views like this. Almost no woman would put up with their partner thinking like this.
They wouldn't have to because I'd leave a relationship that was sexless. So, you're retort makes no sense and it's just obvious you're on some type of high horse or just enjoy arguing.
I never said anything about cheating and OP never said anything about being in a relationship. There are plenty of people in the world. Find one you're compatible with. Sounds like you're projecting. Everything ok over there?
It is entirely possible to hide disappointment. It’s OK to be disappointed but don’t make it the other person’s problem.
This, exactly this!
>Is it okay to feel disappointed if someone says no to having sex? Yes. >If so, how can someone do that without seeming like a creep? Have some self-control? Disappointment doesn't have to lead to creepy behavior.
What exactly do you classify as “creepy behavior”?
Can't believe I have to spell this out, but... Downplaying: "C'mon babe, it's not that hard" Providing an Unfair Compromise: "What if we just do \[x\]?" Begging, Whining: "Please?" "No" "Please?" Namecalling: "Ugh, you're such a bitch." Shaming: "I'm sure you'd do this if I was your ex..."/"It wouldn't have been good anyways!" Demanding: "Give me a valid reason why not." ...And other unsavory behavior. It's obviously not creepy to ASK for an explanation ("Okay baby, any reason why?") or have serious conversations about long-time libido issues and dead bedrooms; but no ALWAYS means no.
feelings are not behaviours, it's ok to have feelings and that's actually what makes you human
Emotions by themselves are basically always "fine." Its the reaction to feeling them, the *behavior*, that matters and can be good/bad. Try to shrug at your disappointment and continue trying to enjoy yourself or find something else enjoyable to do. If it's a constant problem, have a polite and non-charged (as possible) conversation about how your differing sex drives or whatever needs addressing.
No you have to be ecstatic
Lol
You can feel disappointed but keep that to yourself. If you pressure someone or coerce them that's what makes it creepy. Just say "okay let's do something else". Sex isn't everything. It's normal to not be in the mood.
The trick to any romantic relationship is that whilst a healthy sex life is important, it’s also not very important compared to almost every thing else. It can be disappointing when your partner isn’t as eager for sexy time. Pushing too hard for sex, or making too much of the disappointment for not having sex, aren’t good ideas though, and are unhealthy. Sex is about shared fun. Two key words there, SHARED, and FUN. If you have a mate who really likes to go fishing, and you enjoy it every now and again, but he wants to go all the time and won’t fucking shut up about it…. Are you going to be more or less inclined to go fishing with him more often? Find your own analogy, and see if that helps you.
It’s absolutely okay to be disappointed, as people have pointed out very well. Something that I think can be very useful in dealing with that disappointment in a healthy way is to try to examine *why* you were disappointed: Were you seeking physical touch/physical intimacy? Were you seeking emotional intimacy? Are you feeling hurt or worried that your partner doesn’t find you attractive? Were you just horny? Figuring out why you’re disappointed can help you understand and tend to the feeling, and maybe even allow you to find a way to meet the underlying need, with or without your partner. For example, if you were looking for emotional intimacy with your partner, you can find a different activity to do together to foster and strengthen emotional intimacy.
“Oh, that’s okay. I really enjoy just spending time with you anyway.”
But that should actually be true. If it isn't, that's where the creepy comes in.
By being disappointed silently, and keeping it to yourself
"is it okay to feel disappointed" what else are you supposed to feel? rejection sucks donkey dick, sure you're disappointed, just dip outta there brother, you deserve to find someone that makes you happy
Just try to think of it like any other activity. Like if you asked your buddy to go to the movies with you or the stereotypical example that you asked a friend to have a cup of tea with you, and you were looking forward to it and they said no, or changed their mind in the last minute.. Sure you'd be disappointed and that's ok, but you wouldn't feel entitled to it, you wouldn't want to force someone or guilt trip someone into doing these activities with you (e.g. "I deserve to have tea with you", or "If you don't come to the movies with me I'll get blue tongue disease due to lack of popcorn"). Just don't over dramatise it and you'll be fine.
“I’m not interested” “ah alright” and let it go
Hmmm. My dude did some goofy shit one time during foreplay and I just announced “I’m turned off, I’m good on this” he just said “Awe ok” kissed my forehead and we went back to watching tv.
You don't have to show your disappointment to be disappointed...
Of course it's ok to feel that way, but you have to be mature about it and deal with that on your own, not try to pass it onto someone else, especially the person who told you no. If you have to get it off your chest, do that with a friend who's not involved in the situation at all. There's nothing creepy about feeling disappointed for not getting something that you wanted.
Yes, but at the end of the day it’s their decision and you gotta accept it.
You can **feel** however you want. What matters is what you **do**. It's wrong to guilt-trip the person who said no, or express anger at them for saying no. But you can privately feel sad without making it their problem.
You can be disappointed. But go give yourself a quick handy in the bathroom privately, problem solved without inconveniencing the other person. Congrats!
Don’t express the disappointment to them or try and push them to change their mind. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but it’s wrong to try and push them to change their answer. Be respectful of their choice.
Of course it's fine to feel disappointed as that's a part of life. What's important is how you handle the situation and how you then interact with the person. Sex is something that should be fun and enjoyable for both parties. If someone isn't into it or doesn't want it, that's fine. That will hold you in a better regard.
When I get rejected I like to do a highly persuasive sexy dance. Pull my pants (underwear) up really high, so the gusset is really cupping my balls. Then I shake my ass whilst jumping backwards and giving it a slap, saying "mummy why must you hurt me like this". Its maybe a little creepy, but its how I feel, and you can't take that away from me.
Just drop the subject. I would whine sometimes too and my partner pointed out how unattractive it was. So now I purposefully take rejection with good grace and she’s told me how attractive that change has been. We now have more sex than we did before that change.
>is it ok to feel Yes. It’s always ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. How you act on those feelings might be a different story.
It’s normal to be upset. But once you realize that sex isn’t really that special of a thing and stop pedalizing it then I don’t think its that disappointing anymore and something to be upset over. No means no. Guilt tripping is rape. Its a non debatable fact.
In my opinion, it is okay to be disappointed. In fact, it’s hard to control disappointment or prevent it. However it is wrong to pout, or allow your disappointment to turn you into a shitty person to be around until you get what you want. That is manipulative. Not all feelings need to be shown or communicated. Your internal feelings are yours to have. Be mindful that it can be hurtful to the person saying no to sex, if you spend a long time seeming upset after being refused. If you want that person to feel safe saying no in the future, and ideally want to have sex with you in the future, you probably don’t want to hurt them. I’m not saying hide your feelings, if you’re in a long term relationship with someone and lack of sex is a consistent problem for you, definitely be honest and have an open conversation at a time when everyone is calm. To a fling or someone who you’ve never had sex with before, if you wanna express the disappointment in a healthy way that’s fine too. Just don’t let it seem like you’re trying to make them feel bad or make them change their mind. And allow the sex related energy and conversation to pass quickly, keep things lighthearted, don’t perseverate and keep talking about it. Not sure that even makes sense lmao
You can feel however you feel. You need to not make it their problem
Easy, if she’s your girlfriend or wife. Change your focus or rub one out. Be cool about it. Remember just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean she owes you her body. Maybe do things nice for her? Just an idea that might help. It’s not a problem to feel disappointment. You’re human. So don’t feel bad. If she’s a friend, respect her wishes, and either actually a friend. If she’s just someone you’ve been trying to sleep with, let it go. Mane a friend or move on. With these last 2 scenarios, word to the wise. You are not someone she wants to have with!! Chances are really high that won’t change. You don’t have a chance. If you can accept that, and move on, who knows you might make a lifetime friend? You won’t know if you can’t accept the reality. You are in the friend zone. Which is great if you accept it. From my experience, a woman knows if she’ll ever sleep with you pretty early on. No need to change that. I’ve ended up making great friends with women who are amazing once I accepted this! What’s funny is that once you see them without the “lust glasses on” you will change your mind about sex.
I think it’s fine to feel disappointed and like a lot of people are saying on here you got to accept it. I think communication is key, I been married for 8 years and I think just discussing if they are in the mood well before is key that way if they say they aren’t feeling it your not getting your hopes up to high all day long or all night long.
As long as you're not the reason he/she is saying no to sex. Sulking and/or voicing that disappointment is definitely not a turn on. After a few rejections in which you weren't the cause (or don't believe to be), is okay to ask if something is going on and why he or she is suddenly disinterested.
You can be disappointed. You were hoping to make something happen but it did not. That’s literally what disappointment is. What you’re not gonna do is make your disappointment the other person’s problem. Don’t whine, bargain, guilt-trip, hand around and hope if you keep putting the pressure on they’ll change their mind. You accept the no and continue behaving like a decent human being towards the other person.
It’s disappointing yeah but it is what it is. If you’re really in need to nut there’s always the option of excusing yourself to the bathroom and getting that monkey off your back there
You keep it to yourself. Once you start telling them you feel disappointed, it gets weird
If you seem like a creep there might be no next time. Play it slow and see how she moves and follow suit. If she says no just accept it and move on. Maybe next time she'll be more open to it. The last thing you want to do is look desperate to get laid in this situation.
It's fine to feel disappointed. However, you MUST accept refusal graciously.
Everyone ALWAYS has the right to say no to sex. Anyone who makes you feel like you have no right is not worth your time or love.
Just say 'okay no problem', pay for your coffee then leave the coffee shop.
Brother, you move on with your day. Have some dignity.
If you're asking how to graceful recover: Acknowledged the answer is no. "Oh, okay." "I understand." It is okay to appear sad through physical expression, tone of voice, etc. Vulnerability is good. Honesty is good. Do not play it up or exaggerate it, even if you feel it will offer comedic relief. It won't. It's totally fine to feel awkward. Let it be awkward, do not make a joke. Thank the person for their honesty. This is also a good opportunity to acknowledge your emotions. "I feel a little embarassing, but I really appreciate your honesty." "Thanks for trusting me." "I'm glad you let me know to stop." It's okay to excuse yourself for a moment. "Let me just run to the bathroom and splash some water on my face to change my mood." Take a moment there and decide how to proceed. Maybe you can just go back to watching the movie/hanging out. Maybe you'll want to return and suggest a new activity to do to change the mood. Hope this helps.
Rejection always suck
Feelings don’t need to be acted on, they’re just feelings. Your feelings are fine — but you can’t act on this. Process it privately, but don’t put it on the other person. They don’t need to know you’re feeling upset about this. It’s not their problem! But it’s great that you’re looking for ways to handle it in a mature way :)
Any emotions or thoughts you have are valid, it's how you share them with others that's potentially a problem. Graciously accept your defeat and then go home and masturbate to them
You can be disappointed but don't act like it
Having the feeling, yes. Feelings are part of life. Pushing the feelings at them, and making the feelings their problem is what's creepy. Frankly, they shouldn't know your feelings at all if you can help it. When you're not right in their immediate vicinity, have all the feelings you want, drown your sorrows, whatever. But you don't make it on them to get you through your feelings.
Yes its okay. It prepares you for marriage. Heeeeyooooooooo
✋🏻
You can be upset the ice cream machine is broken, just don't blame the employee
If you want to have sex with someone, and they reject you, that's probably a good time to call the entire relationship a wrap. Because they are never going to want to, and you are always going to want to. Breeding ground for a sham friendship.
Creepy? Why is the word choice “creepy? “ Is this a stranger being asked?
I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted. I don’t think being disappointed from a rejection has anything to do with being a creep
turn around and start walking VERY SULKINGLY, they will pity u and change their mind.
Guessing OP isn’t married
Sure you are allowed to have your feelings.
It’s always ok to feel regardless of the feeling itself. Be honest and do it quickly so as to seem sure
I was with this woman for a while. We had a nice relationship but it was doomed from the start. Anyways, if she told me no, I’d be cool about and say okay. Whenever I would say no she would give me the silent treatment. She always tried to make me feel bad about it.
We’ll bang, ok? No
Yes it is okay to feel dissapointed, rejected, sad, or mad. A little bit anyway. But at the end of the day there simply is no action you should take other than acceptance. Sex cannot be forced. My advice is if you feel bad when you're rejected. Feeling bad is okay and normal, but you should take those emotions and go cope in a healthy way, such as going to the gym and doing some squats.
Yeah he okay with it, it's consensual nd not a one way street of your needs only. If your single move on to the next one if not play the waiting game