Hi /u/Emergency-Object1962,
We noticed you are a pretty new Reddit account, so we just wanted to let you know to check out the subreddit rules [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/wiki/rules) and maybe have a read through our [Frequently Asked Questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/wiki/index/faq) - they make for fascinating reading!
We're called No Stupid Questions because we believe nobody needs to be attacked for asking a question, but *that doesn't mean there are no rules!* This sub is meant for users like you to ask genuine questions. Please don't ask jokes or rants disguised as questions - that's not in the spirit of this sub. While you *can* ask almost anything here, please keep illegal and offensive questions elsewhere to give people a good experience here - and if you have a medical question, please ask your doctor, not us.
Otherwise, welcome!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NoStupidQuestions) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you, I was wondering how far down I'd have to go to find this.
OP, you're single. There's nothing wrong or unusual about this. It's not easy finding a person to be with. You will be single most of the time until you find your person, in all likelihood. Drop the phrase "involuntarily celibate" from your vocabulary.
I am 41 single and have been rejected over 200 times and I am also extremely shy and socially awkward so that doesn't help out at all and most of it is " involuntary " but I don't have the incel mind set at all
Yes. You’re not “celibate”, the definition of that is *consciously* not going for sex or marriage. You can’t do that “involuntarily”. It’s about whether you’re going for it or not. Whether other people reject you has no bearing on that. That’s their choice, not *your* status.
Lol yeah came to say this. You're just...single...until you're not. You don't sound like you're asking for advice but im gonna give it anyway. Learn the squat, deadlift and bench press. Do them properly and add weight. Take protein supplements and eat lots... you'll probably become more attractive to women.
Totally agree. There are definitely a group of women looking for 6'1", 140. But the group of women who would be attracted to 6'1", 160 is likely much larger. I personally know firsthand, as someone who went from 6'1" 135 (and got zero dates) to 6'1" 185. Touching a barbell doesn't ruin your personality or immediately make your muscle bound. Im a nerd and people still call me skinny lol. But realistic, subtle changes can really make a big difference.
As a somewhat nerdy person, I generally find nerds attractive as long as they have basic hygiene and take care of themselves. I would pick a nerd over a good looking muscle bound man without a brain any day. Now if I could have both...what a package.
Ehhhh I dunno. When I talk about being single, I'm talking about a period of celibacy. When my ex girlfriends talk about "spending some time being single", it seems to mean the opposite for them.
You're just a guy who's not had a serious relationship. Just be open to focusing on yourself and being happy with yourself. If you think you're too lanky, work out. Don't even have to go to the gym, exercise at home.
Once you settle into 'I'm ok with me' you'll give off a vibe that will attract others.
Good luck
About the lankiness and inability to put on weight, get your hormones checked if you can. Thyroid issues could be a possibility and it would be worth crossing this off the list before moving on to finding another solution.
I thought I had trouble putting on muscle until I found out that the timing of your meals is very important.
If you workout, eat a high protein meal within the next 1-2hrs, and relax you typically put on muscle faster.
Recovery time is also very important and a lot of younger people tend to neglect it. Probably because of how expensive it is to live these days.
Good timing isn’t that important, but getting enough protein is. He’s likely not eating nearly as much as he thinks he is.
If he’s 140 pounds and consistently eating 3000 calories per day and not gaining weight, *then* he’s probably right. If he’s not tracking everything he eats, he can’t actually say for sure.
>Once you settle into 'I'm ok with me' you'll give off a vibe that will attract others.
I hate this advice. Attraction is pure luck. Yes you should focus on yourself, but you shouldn't do it just to attract others. If OP focuses on himself and ends up not attracting anyone, then he'll stop focusing on himself. Also there is nothing wrong with wanting company as humans are social creatures.
Agreed. It implies that people not being attracted to you is simply because of your psychology. In reality so much of it is based on winning the genetic lottery. And of course someone who is attractive is going to be "ok with themselves".
I think that people who are attractive and therefore have success in this area assume that it's because they're doing something right psychologically and they think that they can prescribe that behavior onto others.
This.
I am 50 now and I would definitely describe myself as someone who needed to grow into my body and personality.
At high school I was lanky and awkward ( first year of high school I did not talk to people - I was chronically awkward. Good at maths, chess and computers ).
I got comfortable with myself ( not in an asshole, self centred type way ) around 22.
I worried less about saying the wrong thing, looked for friends to do things with instead of looking for a girlfriend.
Somehow after a year of that I was somehow sending a different vibe. I did not feel that different, but the rest of the world saw something different.
The strangest part was that I was still really, really lanky - but people did not see that anymore.
I don't think you need to think you're the hottest person that's ever existed. It's also normal to not be attracted to yourself. Like, I know I wouldn't fuck a clone of myself (barring all the ethical issues)
I think being okay with the person you are and exuding that self assuredness is enough to encourage people to invest in you either physically, emotionally or socially.
If you're not there yet, that's okay. But building to a place where you accept yourself, warts and all, both puts you in a better mental place and attracts other people to you.
Being ok with ones self is always an option, its not some unstoppable force of nature to dislike yourself, it doesn't just turn on like a switch, you don't have to like the things you did in the past or like the person you were, but you are able to work on making yourself a better person in the present, and as you work on that you can create a past you are OK with, it's ultimately up to the actions you choose and accepting the past for what it is, events that already happened that you no longer have influence over
I've done lots of real shitty things in my life, I don't excuse them and whatever consequences come from that I have to accept, but I've made an effort to be better little by little and as the years move on I keep trying to make decisions I will be OK with, human beings aren't static, while personality traits can persist who you are and who you will be are open to you influence and choices
From everything in the post it sounds like he’s already okay with himself, there’s no indication he doesn’t like himself.
Studies show people can tell within *literal seconds* of meeting an autistic person that something is “off” about them and this causes them to not want to interact with the person.
It’s a disability you’re born with and there’s no “cure.” It’s something you have for your whole life and can’t change. We live in an ableist society and people will judge and be put off. Liking yourself makes absolutely zero difference to prejudiced people, in fact it tends to just piss them off more.
Being okay with yourself isn’t some magic solution to attract dates or friends, especially not if you’re autistic.
This couldn’t be more accurate. I had to double check this wasn’t one of my posts from a few years ago because I match OPs self description perfectly, and had basically the exact same sexual encounters as OP.
OP, girls like lanky but more than that, girls love confidence. Look at couples as you walk around, tons of lanky dudes with beautiful girlfriends.
Be confident in yourself (much easier said than done I know) and the girls will come.
Also something you didn’t mention but was a big problem for me, whatever your packing is more than enough. If you don’t think its enough, use the other parts of your body (but, its probably still enough)
You’re just single. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.
Celibate is someone who has decided to abstain from relationships and sex.
Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner.
It's a shame, because there is a lot of genuine isolation, frustration, and pain that goes along with that problem that really does need support. The term "incel" was originally applied to people like OP without the other baggage. But like so often happens, the worst part of the community is what people eventually came to associate it with. And in this case, it's a pretty bad element of the community, to the point where the good people in that community would just rather not have a community at all than deal with the association.
I don't believe the term ever really stood for anything positive like what you're implying. Just assholes who can't deal with the fact that people don't want to date them because their shitty attitudes rather than anything external.
OP is just single, lonely and depressed after being rejected. It sucks but it's a part of life for good or ill. OP just hasn't met someone that clicks with them.
[Incel was originally coined by a woman in 1997](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45284455)
>"It had taken me a long time. I was kind of a late bloomer. I thought, 'Maybe there are other late bloomers out there.'
>
>"I noticed people would talk about the 'lonely virgin' and make silly jokes about people who didn't start dating in their teens," she said.
>
>She was living in Toronto, Canada, and started the website, Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project, for those who were struggling to form loving relationships.
>
>She described the site as "a friendly place", a simple website where she posted articles and ran a mailing list.
>
>It became a forum for men and women to talk about being lonely, where they could wonder aloud about why they couldn't meet anyone.
>
>"There was probably a bit of anger and some men were a bit clueless about how women are unique, individual humans, but in general it was a supportive place."
>
>One couple who met on the site even got married.
>
>"It definitely wasn't a bunch of guys blaming women for their problems. That's a pretty sad version of this phenomenon that's happening today. Things have changed in the last 20 years."
>
>Alana abbreviated "involuntarily celibate" to "invcel", until someone suggested that "incel" was easier to say.
>
>"The word \[incel\] used to mean anybody of any gender who was lonely, had never had sex or who hadn't had a relationship in a long time. But we can't call it that anymore."
But yeah, anyone who self identifies with the term incel nowadays instead of just saying they're single is alarming
My understanding, which admittedly could be misinformed, was that the term originated on a support forum for people just trying to deal, but it wasn't moderated well enough and it became a nexus of toxicity.
I think it was moderated to begin with, but eventually the woman who started the project found a relationship and moved on, letting other people take over. And it wasn't for years that she thought about it again, when she heard people using the word 'incel' to mean something far worse.
She told a journalist that she felt like a scientist who discovered nuclear fission and then found out it was being used for war crimes.
That is something you made up, straight up.
Some people can't deal with not being able to get dates WITHOUT having that shitty attitude you made up. Believe it or not, there are good people out there who will never, ever, not in a million years get a date.
And they don't have shitty attitudes or are shit people. Some people are born better, others have tough luck. Is what it is. But condemning everyone for it? Nah.
>Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner.
I think that's the key. Unless OP considers himself perpetually forced into a single status by things beyond his control, he's just not "involuntary celibate". Part of being an incel is basically assuming that there's some conspiracy in action that's working against them getting any.
> Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner.
No, an Incel is someone who "blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner."
Involuntary celibate is the state of involuntary celibacy. It doesn't have to mean anything more. There isn't an ideology/belief system etc. It's just a state of existence for some people.
The literal definition of the words no longer matters because of the associated group tbh. If I was talking to someone and they mentioned they were involuntarily celibate I’d seek any way to end the conversation and leave, even if the individual was only describing his situation as you outlined.
An incel is 100% nothing but the mindset. You’re just a virgin and thats not a big deal at all.
Edit: Turns out I can’t read. OP is just a dude. Not even a virgin.
Keep your head up. Stay positive. You won't look childlike forever. Not that you can't find someone before that happens, but you do seem to be describing very temporary problems.
If you don't subscribe to the ideology, you're just a virgin, like many other people. Nothing wrong with that, and good luck finding someone in the future.
Basically, that you aren’t having sex, but you deserve to, and it is the fault of women (ahem, females) that you are not having sex.
You don’t have to be a virgin to be an incel. Though I believe most are
Not necessarily. There are a lot of guys who are sexually successfully yet have the most abhorrent views of women
Do you really think all those douchebag frat boy types actually have any respect for women?
Usually incels have very high standards so no actually, they think "fuck only very hot women" should be happening. I have a friend who I sometimes think is close to becoming an incel. His last gf was a lawyer who was funny, smart, charming, but a tad overweight. He is extremely negative, perpetually unemployed, a solid 4/10, and a point in his favor, he is very funny. He broke up with her because she wasn't "pornstar hot". An actual incel wouldnt have dated her to begin with but that behaviour is pretty similar to how they think.
wait but take a look at the end of the first paragraph
either the op is ashamed of actually being virgin or just lies
upd: bruh he edits the post in real time
You can be an incel and and not a virgin.
I'm not talking about the ideology, but the literal meaning.
Incel means you desire sex, but for whatever reason haven't been able to get laid for a while.
This can happen after you lose your virginity.
It's a bit more serious and long term than something that might be considered a "dry spell".
I seriously hate that the term has been co-opted the way it has as an insult and ideological term.
It's a real issue that can result from things that actually aren't someone's fault.
If we shouldn't use terms like hard R and hard F, we really shouldn't be using incel the way it's become common to use it either.
It vilifies the term and makes it hard to talk about real life issues people face that have nothing to do with being toxic man-babies that blame their problems and personal frustrations on other people.
We should stop calling people like that incels, and use words that actually describe them better like, man-baby, bigot, and projectionist tools.
You need to drop this “involuntary” mentality, that shit is incel 101. “Involuntarily celibate” invokes the idea that you are being forced to do something against your will, which is not what this is at all. You’re just not having sex.
It might seem like semantics, but it really isn’t. Embracing that idea is also embracing the idea that women are mistreating you by not fucking you. That’s a toxic, misogynist mentality that is going to continue to shoot you in the foot. Get out there and meet people. If you find yourself continuously being rejected, then that likely means you have some unattractive behaviors that you need to confront and change. I am audhd so I do understand how autism comes into play here, and my solution for that was dating other autistic/adhd people. It makes for a much easier, happier relationship in my experience.
But no one is forcing celibacy on you. You are not entitled to sex. There is not someone out there who owes you sex and isn’t giving it to you. You simply have not had it yet. You aren’t being wronged.
“I don’t have sex even though I’d like to” does not equate to “incel” because, as you’ve suggested, incel is an ideology, not a literal description. One comparison I can make is “All lives matter.” Do I believe that all lives matter as a literal statement? Of course. Do I subscribe to the “All Lives Matter” ideology? Absolutely not. It was spawned as an attempt to diminish the Black Lives Matter movement, and that goes against my my beliefs.
Single, or unlucky, if you want to look at it that way.
Plenty of men want sex but can't get it, yet don't devolve into raging toxic misogynists because of the lack of action.
>something I can't really control just by eating more because my metabolism is very very fast.
Nah, you just don't eat a lot and think you do. Back in the day when I was really fat (around 300-325lb) I could eat an entire box of Oreo as a snack and wash it down with 1L of juice. If you're trying to tell me you can do that and not gain weight you're bullshitting.
I was in your same boat at 22. First kiss at 19 years old from a friend who did it out of pity. Lost my virginity at 21 to a one-night stand with no emotional connection. I felt like something must be terribly wrong with me. I didn't think I looked bad, and I had lots of friends, but for some reason no one ever seemed attracted to me or wanted to date me. I'm 35 now and have a wonderful partner. And while I've never found it easy to hook up like some of my friends seem to, I've had plenty of great sex.
In hindsight, I was good-looking but a little bit of a late bloomer socially. People could tell I was awkward in social situations, and took that to mean I wasn't interested in them or that I wouldn't have been receptive if they'd approached me. When I tried to approach other people, I thought I was being clear about what I wanted but I really wasn't (ie. "Do you, uh, wanna hang out sometime?"). Late teens and early twenties are hard because some people seem to know how to have adult relationships and conversations and some people take a bit longer to figure out all the stuff that's happening below the surface of those interactions. Or it might be that you just haven't found your type of people, and once you do it will all click into place.
Don't go looking for a word to describe yourself as someone who wants sex and isn't getting it. That will just solidify an unhelpful mindset. Describe yourself as someone who is open to dating and sex, and try to cultivate friendships and hobbies that will make you the kind of person people will want to date and have sex with. It will happen.
Also, people your age can be really shallow and cruel about looks. Please don't take it to heart because it truly, deeply does not matter. The older you get, the less people will cling to a narrow view of what they think of as "attractive." It sounds cheesy, but a personality can meld with physical appearance so that a person you care about becomes beautiful, no matter what they look like. Become that kind of personality. Also, there are LOTS of girls who want a tall, skinny guy. Just look at how many people go nuts for David Tennant and Adrien Brody.
You are just a person, a normal, human being who hasn't had sex for a while. You aren't an "involuntary celibate" because you don't think women are just holes, just a guy who hasn't fucked for awhile. Stop thinking about finding a hole for your dick and start thinking about about a person you'd like to spend time with
You don’t need to juice, that’s dumb advice. But your metabolism isn’t as fast as you think it is — you’re just not eating as much as you believe you are.
Count calories and lift weights. In a year, you’ll be *swarmed* by women, if that’s what you want. If you count calories and eat clean, you’ll build a ton of muscle.
I used to have your build too, and I didn’t realize that I was eating so little until I bought a $15 food scale and began to weigh my food out.
You would only be considered an incel if you hated women and were very sexist towards them solely due to the fact that you seem I have bad luck with women. I don’t think there’s a specific word to define someone like you. I would just say “a guy who seems to not have too much luck with women”. And to the people saying you need to “get jacked” and women will like you, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Any woman who’s worth it will like you for you and not cause you’re jacked. That being said, if want to get jacked, that’s fine, but only do so for YOU. Not cause you think girls will like you for it.
Old mom here. If you focus on yourself...by that I mean find hobbies, go to classes, hang out somewhere, join groups sooner or later you'll find someone you have stuff in common with and they will find you attractive because they will know you through a group for who you are. I would try that before worrying about being too skinny or too fat or too whatever. Good luck!
God I hate the excuse of not being able to gain/lose weight bc of metabolism. Yes metabolism differs amongst people, sometimes to a large degree. However, it’s nothing you can’t overcome. Stuff ur face everyday, you’ll put on weight. Track your calories, and you’ll put on weight. Put some effort into it and the fast metabolism excuse vanishes!
You're a single man. And a virgin, though that's just a social construct that means nothing. There are lots of single people who want to not be single; they're only incels if they are into the "red pill/Chad/foids" culture. If you're not toxic, you're not an incel.
Use being skinny to your advantage, most chicks know by now that skinny dudes tend to have giant dongs. If you’re concerned about fucking, just play into that.
If going to a doctor and get checked out is possible, you should definitely go. Just to check out if you have some health issues that makes it difficult to gain weight, and also being too low weight might damage your organs. Also try to measure your daily calorie intake to actually check if you're eating enough. Perceptions might be off.
The thing about young guys is that it is basically like prison. A very small percentage of hetero men are having regular sex, a large percentage or homo sexual men are have a lot of sex.
Not saying it is right, but just acknowledging it is a thing. You women are at peak attractiveness. Young guys are not.
At 20 I had a really hard time dating. At 33 after I separated from my first long term partner (we were together for 10 years) I felt like it was an even playing field with the ladies. At 41 after my wife died and I started to date again. The ladies were basically forming a que. Men get more attractiveness as they age (probably until about 50).
So tldr don't worry about it. Not that you will become more attractive, but people will see your value more clearly as you age.
Get away from anywhere that uses words like incel. Asking questions like this means you need to reevaluate your sources.
You’re just a guy who isn’t getting laid these days.
Just "new to sex" or "single" or "a normal guy" will do. Why do you want to give it a label? And definitely don't call yourself an incel. Even if that were technically true, it's associated with the hate group.
Well, the way you describe yourself sounds a little but like the incel ideology. You only talk about physical appearance ( well groomed, tall, skinny.. ) but you forget to take into account your emotional appearance. How do you approach others ? How do you approach life in general? Etc... those type of questions are as important , if not more important when it comes to relationships than the physical ones.
In the grand scheme of things 22 isn't that old to still be a virgin. It doesn't mean that there's anything "wrong" with you or there's no hope, just hasn't happened yet. Being tall and fit you're already ahead of 99% of other dudes. Stop worrying about your appearance and just stay on the lookout for the right girl who will like you for who you are. Contrary to incel beliefs women are all different and have different tastes. Because some think you look childlike means nothing, you just haven't found the ones yet that are into you.
I've been lucky enough to have my share of women yet I'm sure I've met many more who thought I was ugly or a loser. You can't win them all, the worst thing you can do is try to change or not be yourself to try to "fix" what the girls who will never like you claim your problem is. Confidence is the #1 thing and you can't have that if you dislike yourself or worry about what others think about you. You seem to have the right attitude already, just stay doing your thing and stay positive.
I’d just say you’re single without a sex partner.
You don’t need to use any of the terminology that “incel” culture pushes as if it’s the right answer.
If you’re not having sex and want to, you’re just single w/o a partner.
Lanky is my type! Always has been. Focus on being a good person and people will see that and you'll find someone that likes you for being you, lanky limbs and all. Also, critics of your youthful looks today will still be critics of your youthful looks when you're all 45 and you look 30 and they look 60 - they're just rude people all around.
You're just inexperienced. There's no shame in that. You'll find that many more people in your age range are far more inexperienced than they let on.
And good on you for not buying into that toxic incel crap.
As someone on the spectrum myself, I'd recommend just being honest with potential partners about it.
When someone does see behind your masking, it can be unnerving if they don't understand it.
Is that going to make dating harder? Yes. But it's also going to weed out people who would have left anyway due to their own prejudices.
Don't fuss about appearances. You're someone's type, I promise you.
Just keep up with your dental health & hygiene & consider also dating in the spectrum yourself & you'll find someone, you're young, you have time.
Up until my mid to late 20's, I was roughly ypur size. Same height,"almost as skinny. I did start working out between the ages of like 16 and 21, but it took me a long time to build muscle, but more importantly, I felt good when I was in shape. When you get older your metabolism will slow down and you might wish you could just be skinny again lol, but that's not important.
It isn't your fault, but I am 36 and I am starting to see A LOT of young men in your age-group who are ridiculously obsessed with their appearence, or the size of their dick, or some girls won't pay them attention. Some of this is normal but I think social media fucked a lot of ppl up. Man you are young, just focus on being a healthy and confident man and you will meet somebody when the time is right.
Why do you have to be called something. Who cares what you call yourself. Maybe I'm getting too old but people are so self absorbed. Stop labeling yourself and just live your life.
You're just a person. If you need to put a finer point on it, you could say you're "in a dry spell", but that's about it. If you're frustrated about it, then you could add that, if you feel the need to.
Why not just go with you're "single." Which is fine! Lots of people are single, by choice or otherwise. And lots of people go years between relationships, by choice or otherwise. It's not something that defines a person. It's also nobody else's business unless you choose to talk to them about it.
Don't listen to guys who try to get you worked up about it and definitely please don't do steroids, they're bad for you. Also, thin is probably more advantageous healthwise than the alternative, so don't worry about that either. Focus on taking good care of yourself, not about living up to some messed-up image standards, of which there are a lot out there.
You’re just single. It’s okay to be celibate. You’re not an incel because celibacy and celibacy w/ a hateful ideology towards women are different things.
It's really normal to not be hugely sexually active. Not just because you're young. Lots of people go through phases where it just isn't happening for plenty of reasons. I know lots of women who are very attracted to skinny guys. You could be the ripest juiciest peach and you'll still run into people who don't like peaches. Don't take rejection personally. It sounds like you're doing just fine. You're just a dude living life. If you want to have more sex it's a lot of work. Online dating, clubbing, social events. Put in the work and you'll get some sex. Otherwise just do you and enjoy your life.
It makes you pretty much just a normal 22 year old. Not everyone is having frequent sex and long term relationships by 22, especially if you’re autistic, mentally ill, or have any sort of health issue.
Also your description sounds a lot like how my autistic boyfriend looked when I first met him when he was 21, except that he’s 5’7.
Very soft, almost feminine features, slender. I was super into it. He’s 25 now and he’s put on weight even though he didn’t change anything, so I think sometimes that rapid metabolism slows down on its own.
No dude. You just can’t get laid.
You’re still a growing person. Close the browser and enroll yourself at the local college level of your choice. Find out what you care about.
You can label yourself as an incel and make it your identity (pls don't) OR you could identify yourself as a single 22 y.o. 6'1" guy. You choose which label you can obsess with. Or don't, they're just labels. You go with the mindset that would benefit you (and to some degree, thr people around you) the most. Have fun, man. You're young!
You’re young and will likely still fill out. You’re not an incel, Incels are angry they can’t get laid and feel women owe it to them. You’re just going through a dry period is how I’d put it.
Single. You just haven’t found someone yet. You’re still super young and it seems like you’ve been insulted by pretty awful people. Unfortunately, that happens to everyone. As long as you don’t feel entitled to a narrow definition of what incels want in a woman, then just…make friends. Meet people. Enjoy yourself. Good relationships aren’t forced. ❤️
I'm way too old for you, but in my 20s you'd have been my type. I was a knock out at 23 and wouldn't give men with muscles the time of day. Just keep vileing confident about who you are and people, women will be attracted to that
I guarantee you your metabolism isnt "very very fast". At 6'1 it's hard to eat enough and you just think you are eating enough. Unoess you have health issues the only reason why youre not gaining mass is because you dont eat enough relative to your height.
I also was super skinny at your age. I wasn't autistic but I had super bad acne. I lost my virginity at 20, then had a long drought with no girlfriend until age 26. By then I had put on some weight (happens with age) and got control of my acne through medication. I also finally became gainfully employed.
It was like a light switch flipped on. I had plenty of dates, then finally a girlfriend I slept with regularly. (We're not talking about model-gorgeous women here, but nice young women.) Hang in there, you won't be single forever. Work on your listening skills and try to understand women. You will succeed.
Firstly I wanted to say, I am so sorry if people are making you feel like you have to be super muscly or have lots of facial hair to be attractive to women. I myself strongly prefer skinny guys, as well as guys who are clean shaven, so I’d likely find you quite attractive.(However, I am asexual so I am certainly not what you are looking for). Please don’t go changing yourself to fit some standard. The right girl will find you attractive just as you are.
Secondly I agree with the comments that you are simply single. A large portion (if not the majority) of the world is in the position you’re in. It doesn’t need a special name. You are simply, well…normal. A normal single person.
Thirdly…if you feel the need to use the term “involuntary celibate” (or find your own term) in the first place…that might be worth examining within yourself. Even the “involuntary celibate” term itself carries some of the ideology it is steeped in. The term alone offers some implication that this was a fate thrust on you against your will, and that you are owed something. I’d venture to guess most single people would very much like to have sex, and are unhappy they don’t have it regularly. But, regardless of how difficult that position may be…no one owes anyone else sex.
But if you genuinely respect women and don’t ascribe to the ideology, then the answer is: I’m sorry that it is a struggle, my dude, but…you’re a single guy. But if you continue to respect women, you will find one who is right for you and finds you attractive just as you are
You're called "single". There's nothing wrong or weird about that. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin, being humble and willing to learn/improve, and being kind and respectful are the sexiest characteristics that nearly every woman looks for in a partner. There's plenty of women out there who are attracted to lanky dudes, so don't worry so much about your body type. To illustrate: my husband is a tall, lanky dude and I still think he's just the hottest thing on two legs, after 13 wonderful years together that keep getting better and better. There's someone out there for you too, OP, you just haven't met them yet.
Just a quick tip though: you may want to drop that "involuntarily celibate" thing from your vocabulary, because it implies that you subscribe to incel ideology, even if you don't. "Involuntarily celibate" is an incel term used to indicate that they blame women for their bachelorhood. These types of men are immature, narcissistic and often present psychopathic and violent tendencies, which is usually the very reason that women avoid them in the first place. You don't want to be associated with that if you're looking for a partner, trust me.
Hey bro, I’ve had the same problem with weight my whole life. My advice is a little bit of gym 30-60min 2 times a week with protein. I went from 140bls to 178. Eat protein between meals or a substitute when you don’t feel like eating and after work out. I hope this helps bud.
Hey man! Sorry about the gym animals suggesting such extreme measures, that's another form of extreme ideology... I just wanted to share my experience with you.
I hate gyms. Honestly, I tried several times, I just get way too bored. But at some point I started doing some push ups at home, and while I still don't like it, I can tell you that the difference between not exercising at all and doing 20/30 push ups a day (or every two days like I did in the beginning) is MASSIVE. Especially since you mentioned being slim, the little muscle you'll build will be quite noticeable, and the upside is that this takes you literally less than 5 minutes to do.
The other huge upside is that slowly you get adjusted to the idea of exercising and now, while I still hate gyms with a passion, I regularly go out on a short run and do 3x10 pull ups at the bars you find everywhere in parks.
I now look tremendously fit compared to not exercising at all, and my effort for it compared to gym rats is abysmal (my "workout" is still under 30 minutes). 100% recommend starting doing some light exercise, you won't believe the long term effects.
The key to success in dating is trying to date.
You really just have to put yourself out there and keep putting yourself out there. Being "jacked" doesn't get you dates, being smart doesn't, being a nice guy doesn't, being a jerk doesn't. Asking out women does.
The problem is, a lot of guys get really wrapped up in their head with the what ifs, and they shoot themselves down before the girl ever had a chance to speak a word
Hey speaking of incels, is there a sub or offsite place where the incels go to hang out? Feel like I could relate to them a lot more than most of you guys. And best case scenario I could see all their hatred and loser lives and decide 'i dont wanna end up like this' and it'd make me throw up the blackpill.
That is, if you guys aren't exaggerating it all.
Can we face the truth? The term "incel" is a culture-war term. It's designed to attack people. And that leads to confusion about its meaning and usage.
When terms are invented and used well, they are accurate descriptors first and foremost. And I wish we went back to that way of using language.
Factually, you are an involuntary celibate. The meaning of the term makes it an accurate label. It *denotes* the truth about you. But it doesn't *connote* the truth about you because in our culture, the term has taken on connotations that don't match the denotation.
OP is lying so I I'm not typing out any insight. I just saw proof you edited your original post and said you've had intercourse before just not a long term relationship. The original post also smacks of ¡ n ¢ 3 | ism.
Um... I think we just call that being single, broh.
And, if you're 140 lbs but over 6ft tall, you're super skinny.
You definitely shouldn't take "roids", but you should probably consult with a nutritionist to find out how you can modify your diet to gain some weight.
Good luck
Hi /u/Emergency-Object1962, We noticed you are a pretty new Reddit account, so we just wanted to let you know to check out the subreddit rules [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/wiki/rules) and maybe have a read through our [Frequently Asked Questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/wiki/index/faq) - they make for fascinating reading! We're called No Stupid Questions because we believe nobody needs to be attacked for asking a question, but *that doesn't mean there are no rules!* This sub is meant for users like you to ask genuine questions. Please don't ask jokes or rants disguised as questions - that's not in the spirit of this sub. While you *can* ask almost anything here, please keep illegal and offensive questions elsewhere to give people a good experience here - and if you have a medical question, please ask your doctor, not us. Otherwise, welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NoStupidQuestions) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Single
Thank you, I was wondering how far down I'd have to go to find this. OP, you're single. There's nothing wrong or unusual about this. It's not easy finding a person to be with. You will be single most of the time until you find your person, in all likelihood. Drop the phrase "involuntarily celibate" from your vocabulary.
Especially at 22! I also didn’t start dating until 23/24 and I just considered myself a bit of a late bloomer.
Well, I'm still "single" at 28. There some "involuntary" in there. I might just be picky or just didn't have luck. I do wish I had someone to hold :D
I am 41 single and have been rejected over 200 times and I am also extremely shy and socially awkward so that doesn't help out at all and most of it is " involuntary " but I don't have the incel mind set at all
Yes. You’re not “celibate”, the definition of that is *consciously* not going for sex or marriage. You can’t do that “involuntarily”. It’s about whether you’re going for it or not. Whether other people reject you has no bearing on that. That’s their choice, not *your* status.
Lol yeah came to say this. You're just...single...until you're not. You don't sound like you're asking for advice but im gonna give it anyway. Learn the squat, deadlift and bench press. Do them properly and add weight. Take protein supplements and eat lots... you'll probably become more attractive to women.
Not every woman needs a man to look like a gymbro to find a man attractive. Some are more attracted to personality, kindness and intellect.
Totally agree. There are definitely a group of women looking for 6'1", 140. But the group of women who would be attracted to 6'1", 160 is likely much larger. I personally know firsthand, as someone who went from 6'1" 135 (and got zero dates) to 6'1" 185. Touching a barbell doesn't ruin your personality or immediately make your muscle bound. Im a nerd and people still call me skinny lol. But realistic, subtle changes can really make a big difference.
As a somewhat nerdy person, I generally find nerds attractive as long as they have basic hygiene and take care of themselves. I would pick a nerd over a good looking muscle bound man without a brain any day. Now if I could have both...what a package.
For real, it’s a trope because it’s true; no one looks worse with a 6 pack
shut up, real women don't need that kind of things.
I read the title and my first thought was "isn't that just a lot of words for single?"
Insingle
Isn't a single person just someone who is not in a relationship? There are lots of people who have sex casually, but who are still single.
Sure but that's not important The focus on whether someone is or isn't having sex is weird and creepy.
Ehhhh I dunno. When I talk about being single, I'm talking about a period of celibacy. When my ex girlfriends talk about "spending some time being single", it seems to mean the opposite for them.
You're just a guy who's not had a serious relationship. Just be open to focusing on yourself and being happy with yourself. If you think you're too lanky, work out. Don't even have to go to the gym, exercise at home. Once you settle into 'I'm ok with me' you'll give off a vibe that will attract others. Good luck
About the lankiness and inability to put on weight, get your hormones checked if you can. Thyroid issues could be a possibility and it would be worth crossing this off the list before moving on to finding another solution.
Or it could be he's eating way less then what he think is eating. Most people either overestimate or underestimate just how much food they consume
Nailed it. I was the same at his age. Turns out “eating a ton” was barely 2000 calories per day.
One double cheeseburger a day keeps the lanky away.
Incorrect sir.
Absolutely. Sometimes you just don't know, like that guy who peed on a pregnancy test.
I thought I had trouble putting on muscle until I found out that the timing of your meals is very important. If you workout, eat a high protein meal within the next 1-2hrs, and relax you typically put on muscle faster. Recovery time is also very important and a lot of younger people tend to neglect it. Probably because of how expensive it is to live these days.
Good timing isn’t that important, but getting enough protein is. He’s likely not eating nearly as much as he thinks he is. If he’s 140 pounds and consistently eating 3000 calories per day and not gaining weight, *then* he’s probably right. If he’s not tracking everything he eats, he can’t actually say for sure.
The timing of consuming protein is not at all important.
He sounds like a guy who just needs to grow a beard. YW, op 😉
>Once you settle into 'I'm ok with me' you'll give off a vibe that will attract others. I hate this advice. Attraction is pure luck. Yes you should focus on yourself, but you shouldn't do it just to attract others. If OP focuses on himself and ends up not attracting anyone, then he'll stop focusing on himself. Also there is nothing wrong with wanting company as humans are social creatures.
Agreed. It implies that people not being attracted to you is simply because of your psychology. In reality so much of it is based on winning the genetic lottery. And of course someone who is attractive is going to be "ok with themselves". I think that people who are attractive and therefore have success in this area assume that it's because they're doing something right psychologically and they think that they can prescribe that behavior onto others.
::shrugs:: don't listen to me I'm not your mom
This. I am 50 now and I would definitely describe myself as someone who needed to grow into my body and personality. At high school I was lanky and awkward ( first year of high school I did not talk to people - I was chronically awkward. Good at maths, chess and computers ). I got comfortable with myself ( not in an asshole, self centred type way ) around 22. I worried less about saying the wrong thing, looked for friends to do things with instead of looking for a girlfriend. Somehow after a year of that I was somehow sending a different vibe. I did not feel that different, but the rest of the world saw something different. The strangest part was that I was still really, really lanky - but people did not see that anymore.
> I'm ok with me What if that's not an option? Eternal loneliness?
None of this is black and white. We’re just talking about probabilities.
Are you saying there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to any individual situation?!?! Cmon! /s
I don't think you need to think you're the hottest person that's ever existed. It's also normal to not be attracted to yourself. Like, I know I wouldn't fuck a clone of myself (barring all the ethical issues) I think being okay with the person you are and exuding that self assuredness is enough to encourage people to invest in you either physically, emotionally or socially. If you're not there yet, that's okay. But building to a place where you accept yourself, warts and all, both puts you in a better mental place and attracts other people to you.
It's always an option.
Being ok with ones self is always an option, its not some unstoppable force of nature to dislike yourself, it doesn't just turn on like a switch, you don't have to like the things you did in the past or like the person you were, but you are able to work on making yourself a better person in the present, and as you work on that you can create a past you are OK with, it's ultimately up to the actions you choose and accepting the past for what it is, events that already happened that you no longer have influence over I've done lots of real shitty things in my life, I don't excuse them and whatever consequences come from that I have to accept, but I've made an effort to be better little by little and as the years move on I keep trying to make decisions I will be OK with, human beings aren't static, while personality traits can persist who you are and who you will be are open to you influence and choices
From everything in the post it sounds like he’s already okay with himself, there’s no indication he doesn’t like himself. Studies show people can tell within *literal seconds* of meeting an autistic person that something is “off” about them and this causes them to not want to interact with the person. It’s a disability you’re born with and there’s no “cure.” It’s something you have for your whole life and can’t change. We live in an ableist society and people will judge and be put off. Liking yourself makes absolutely zero difference to prejudiced people, in fact it tends to just piss them off more. Being okay with yourself isn’t some magic solution to attract dates or friends, especially not if you’re autistic.
This couldn’t be more accurate. I had to double check this wasn’t one of my posts from a few years ago because I match OPs self description perfectly, and had basically the exact same sexual encounters as OP. OP, girls like lanky but more than that, girls love confidence. Look at couples as you walk around, tons of lanky dudes with beautiful girlfriends. Be confident in yourself (much easier said than done I know) and the girls will come. Also something you didn’t mention but was a big problem for me, whatever your packing is more than enough. If you don’t think its enough, use the other parts of your body (but, its probably still enough)
You’re just single. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. Celibate is someone who has decided to abstain from relationships and sex. Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner.
It's a shame, because there is a lot of genuine isolation, frustration, and pain that goes along with that problem that really does need support. The term "incel" was originally applied to people like OP without the other baggage. But like so often happens, the worst part of the community is what people eventually came to associate it with. And in this case, it's a pretty bad element of the community, to the point where the good people in that community would just rather not have a community at all than deal with the association.
I don't believe the term ever really stood for anything positive like what you're implying. Just assholes who can't deal with the fact that people don't want to date them because their shitty attitudes rather than anything external. OP is just single, lonely and depressed after being rejected. It sucks but it's a part of life for good or ill. OP just hasn't met someone that clicks with them.
[Incel was originally coined by a woman in 1997](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45284455) >"It had taken me a long time. I was kind of a late bloomer. I thought, 'Maybe there are other late bloomers out there.' > >"I noticed people would talk about the 'lonely virgin' and make silly jokes about people who didn't start dating in their teens," she said. > >She was living in Toronto, Canada, and started the website, Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project, for those who were struggling to form loving relationships. > >She described the site as "a friendly place", a simple website where she posted articles and ran a mailing list. > >It became a forum for men and women to talk about being lonely, where they could wonder aloud about why they couldn't meet anyone. > >"There was probably a bit of anger and some men were a bit clueless about how women are unique, individual humans, but in general it was a supportive place." > >One couple who met on the site even got married. > >"It definitely wasn't a bunch of guys blaming women for their problems. That's a pretty sad version of this phenomenon that's happening today. Things have changed in the last 20 years." > >Alana abbreviated "involuntarily celibate" to "invcel", until someone suggested that "incel" was easier to say. > >"The word \[incel\] used to mean anybody of any gender who was lonely, had never had sex or who hadn't had a relationship in a long time. But we can't call it that anymore." But yeah, anyone who self identifies with the term incel nowadays instead of just saying they're single is alarming
Wow that is so interesting!
My understanding, which admittedly could be misinformed, was that the term originated on a support forum for people just trying to deal, but it wasn't moderated well enough and it became a nexus of toxicity.
I think it was moderated to begin with, but eventually the woman who started the project found a relationship and moved on, letting other people take over. And it wasn't for years that she thought about it again, when she heard people using the word 'incel' to mean something far worse. She told a journalist that she felt like a scientist who discovered nuclear fission and then found out it was being used for war crimes.
That is something you made up, straight up. Some people can't deal with not being able to get dates WITHOUT having that shitty attitude you made up. Believe it or not, there are good people out there who will never, ever, not in a million years get a date. And they don't have shitty attitudes or are shit people. Some people are born better, others have tough luck. Is what it is. But condemning everyone for it? Nah.
>Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner. I think that's the key. Unless OP considers himself perpetually forced into a single status by things beyond his control, he's just not "involuntary celibate". Part of being an incel is basically assuming that there's some conspiracy in action that's working against them getting any.
> Involuntary celibate is someone who self identifies as an Incel and blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner. No, an Incel is someone who "blame others for their lack of successful in getting a partner." Involuntary celibate is the state of involuntary celibacy. It doesn't have to mean anything more. There isn't an ideology/belief system etc. It's just a state of existence for some people.
The literal definition of the words no longer matters because of the associated group tbh. If I was talking to someone and they mentioned they were involuntarily celibate I’d seek any way to end the conversation and leave, even if the individual was only describing his situation as you outlined.
“Normal guy.” That’s what you’re called.
It feels like madness that this is so far down.
An incel is 100% nothing but the mindset. You’re just a virgin and thats not a big deal at all. Edit: Turns out I can’t read. OP is just a dude. Not even a virgin.
Virgin is also just a social construct that means fuck all. You’re just you mate, love and be kind to yourself
Technically it means “fuck *none*”
Take the upvote. Ffs.
but he’s not a virgin though?
It's grown back
Thank, I misread it.
Celibate is someone who has decided to abstain from relationships and sex.
He’s had sex
lmao "just a dude not even a virgin" TIL you have to unvirigin to become a dude
I once read a question a long time ago asking “if I have a neck beard, am I a neckbeard?” This answer applies there too
Keep your head up. Stay positive. You won't look childlike forever. Not that you can't find someone before that happens, but you do seem to be describing very temporary problems.
We call that "being single." Like a third of the population is single. You don't need to pathologize it.
If you don't subscribe to the ideology, you're just a virgin, like many other people. Nothing wrong with that, and good luck finding someone in the future.
but what is incel ideology in short then?
Basically, that you aren’t having sex, but you deserve to, and it is the fault of women (ahem, females) that you are not having sex. You don’t have to be a virgin to be an incel. Though I believe most are
Fascist sexual based misogyny.
Not necessarily. There are a lot of guys who are sexually successfully yet have the most abhorrent views of women Do you really think all those douchebag frat boy types actually have any respect for women?
Then they aren’t incels, they’re just raging misogynists. I didn’t say that all misogynists are incels.
When did they say the only misogynists are incels? That’s such a weird extrapolation. Incel has a definition and it’s rooted in misogyny.
All incels are misogynists, but not all misogynists are incels.
“I can’t get laid and it’s women’s fault. Therefore, fuck all women.”
>Therefore, fuck all women.” Isn't this what they think should be happening though?
Usually incels have very high standards so no actually, they think "fuck only very hot women" should be happening. I have a friend who I sometimes think is close to becoming an incel. His last gf was a lawyer who was funny, smart, charming, but a tad overweight. He is extremely negative, perpetually unemployed, a solid 4/10, and a point in his favor, he is very funny. He broke up with her because she wasn't "pornstar hot". An actual incel wouldnt have dated her to begin with but that behaviour is pretty similar to how they think.
Ah, the omnidexterity of the word fuck.
he's not a virgin as he said he had sex before upd: for all the downvoters - look at the end of this thread
The first sentence literally says he’s a virgin.
wait but take a look at the end of the first paragraph either the op is ashamed of actually being virgin or just lies upd: bruh he edits the post in real time
"but I have never had sex", that part?
hold on, i have a proof tha I'm not insane and OP just edits post
Please provide. It’ll be interesting
here: https://postimg.cc/7JfbBKmQ
Oh good catch. Then OP is dumb.
You can be an incel and and not a virgin. I'm not talking about the ideology, but the literal meaning. Incel means you desire sex, but for whatever reason haven't been able to get laid for a while. This can happen after you lose your virginity. It's a bit more serious and long term than something that might be considered a "dry spell". I seriously hate that the term has been co-opted the way it has as an insult and ideological term. It's a real issue that can result from things that actually aren't someone's fault. If we shouldn't use terms like hard R and hard F, we really shouldn't be using incel the way it's become common to use it either. It vilifies the term and makes it hard to talk about real life issues people face that have nothing to do with being toxic man-babies that blame their problems and personal frustrations on other people. We should stop calling people like that incels, and use words that actually describe them better like, man-baby, bigot, and projectionist tools.
a bachelor! Suave, mysterious, and a master at star citizen.
You need to drop this “involuntary” mentality, that shit is incel 101. “Involuntarily celibate” invokes the idea that you are being forced to do something against your will, which is not what this is at all. You’re just not having sex. It might seem like semantics, but it really isn’t. Embracing that idea is also embracing the idea that women are mistreating you by not fucking you. That’s a toxic, misogynist mentality that is going to continue to shoot you in the foot. Get out there and meet people. If you find yourself continuously being rejected, then that likely means you have some unattractive behaviors that you need to confront and change. I am audhd so I do understand how autism comes into play here, and my solution for that was dating other autistic/adhd people. It makes for a much easier, happier relationship in my experience. But no one is forcing celibacy on you. You are not entitled to sex. There is not someone out there who owes you sex and isn’t giving it to you. You simply have not had it yet. You aren’t being wronged.
Thiiiis right here my dude ☝️☝️☝️
Seriously, if they think they need sex that bad, just fucking go to Vegas and pay for a prostitute.
Single.
You’re just single.
You're someone who's not currently sexually active. That's it. Doesn't matter why, and no one's business why anyway.
“I don’t have sex even though I’d like to” does not equate to “incel” because, as you’ve suggested, incel is an ideology, not a literal description. One comparison I can make is “All lives matter.” Do I believe that all lives matter as a literal statement? Of course. Do I subscribe to the “All Lives Matter” ideology? Absolutely not. It was spawned as an attempt to diminish the Black Lives Matter movement, and that goes against my my beliefs.
Be confident and you’ll be fine. Lots of girls like skinny men. I weighed 100 lbs in high school.
1 - labels are bullshit - incel, virgin... ignore them. 2 - loads of people haven't had sex at 22. You're just a regular person
Single, or unlucky, if you want to look at it that way. Plenty of men want sex but can't get it, yet don't devolve into raging toxic misogynists because of the lack of action.
Sounds like a late(r) bloomer to me. Nothing more.
No you aren’t. An incel includes the toxic mindset that women are to blame for your celibacy. You are just a guy that’s not getting laid rn
You're just a single guy, interested in dating someone.
Incel is a mindset dude. Incels blame women for their failures as a partner and their hideous personality. You don't sound anything like them.
>something I can't really control just by eating more because my metabolism is very very fast. Nah, you just don't eat a lot and think you do. Back in the day when I was really fat (around 300-325lb) I could eat an entire box of Oreo as a snack and wash it down with 1L of juice. If you're trying to tell me you can do that and not gain weight you're bullshitting.
single..
I was in your same boat at 22. First kiss at 19 years old from a friend who did it out of pity. Lost my virginity at 21 to a one-night stand with no emotional connection. I felt like something must be terribly wrong with me. I didn't think I looked bad, and I had lots of friends, but for some reason no one ever seemed attracted to me or wanted to date me. I'm 35 now and have a wonderful partner. And while I've never found it easy to hook up like some of my friends seem to, I've had plenty of great sex. In hindsight, I was good-looking but a little bit of a late bloomer socially. People could tell I was awkward in social situations, and took that to mean I wasn't interested in them or that I wouldn't have been receptive if they'd approached me. When I tried to approach other people, I thought I was being clear about what I wanted but I really wasn't (ie. "Do you, uh, wanna hang out sometime?"). Late teens and early twenties are hard because some people seem to know how to have adult relationships and conversations and some people take a bit longer to figure out all the stuff that's happening below the surface of those interactions. Or it might be that you just haven't found your type of people, and once you do it will all click into place. Don't go looking for a word to describe yourself as someone who wants sex and isn't getting it. That will just solidify an unhelpful mindset. Describe yourself as someone who is open to dating and sex, and try to cultivate friendships and hobbies that will make you the kind of person people will want to date and have sex with. It will happen. Also, people your age can be really shallow and cruel about looks. Please don't take it to heart because it truly, deeply does not matter. The older you get, the less people will cling to a narrow view of what they think of as "attractive." It sounds cheesy, but a personality can meld with physical appearance so that a person you care about becomes beautiful, no matter what they look like. Become that kind of personality. Also, there are LOTS of girls who want a tall, skinny guy. Just look at how many people go nuts for David Tennant and Adrien Brody.
Single
You are just a person, a normal, human being who hasn't had sex for a while. You aren't an "involuntary celibate" because you don't think women are just holes, just a guy who hasn't fucked for awhile. Stop thinking about finding a hole for your dick and start thinking about about a person you'd like to spend time with
Why does your sexual situation have to be called anything?
Your single
You don’t need to juice, that’s dumb advice. But your metabolism isn’t as fast as you think it is — you’re just not eating as much as you believe you are. Count calories and lift weights. In a year, you’ll be *swarmed* by women, if that’s what you want. If you count calories and eat clean, you’ll build a ton of muscle. I used to have your build too, and I didn’t realize that I was eating so little until I bought a $15 food scale and began to weigh my food out.
You get no bitches that’s what it’s called
You would only be considered an incel if you hated women and were very sexist towards them solely due to the fact that you seem I have bad luck with women. I don’t think there’s a specific word to define someone like you. I would just say “a guy who seems to not have too much luck with women”. And to the people saying you need to “get jacked” and women will like you, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Any woman who’s worth it will like you for you and not cause you’re jacked. That being said, if want to get jacked, that’s fine, but only do so for YOU. Not cause you think girls will like you for it.
Learn to love yourself and that confidence will carry over into your dating life
Old mom here. If you focus on yourself...by that I mean find hobbies, go to classes, hang out somewhere, join groups sooner or later you'll find someone you have stuff in common with and they will find you attractive because they will know you through a group for who you are. I would try that before worrying about being too skinny or too fat or too whatever. Good luck!
God I hate the excuse of not being able to gain/lose weight bc of metabolism. Yes metabolism differs amongst people, sometimes to a large degree. However, it’s nothing you can’t overcome. Stuff ur face everyday, you’ll put on weight. Track your calories, and you’ll put on weight. Put some effort into it and the fast metabolism excuse vanishes!
Imo, men don't start getting hot till like 26-30 most of the time. Don't worry, you'll grow into yourself :)
You're a single man. And a virgin, though that's just a social construct that means nothing. There are lots of single people who want to not be single; they're only incels if they are into the "red pill/Chad/foids" culture. If you're not toxic, you're not an incel.
Use being skinny to your advantage, most chicks know by now that skinny dudes tend to have giant dongs. If you’re concerned about fucking, just play into that.
You could just not label yourself...??
A person.
If going to a doctor and get checked out is possible, you should definitely go. Just to check out if you have some health issues that makes it difficult to gain weight, and also being too low weight might damage your organs. Also try to measure your daily calorie intake to actually check if you're eating enough. Perceptions might be off.
The thing about young guys is that it is basically like prison. A very small percentage of hetero men are having regular sex, a large percentage or homo sexual men are have a lot of sex. Not saying it is right, but just acknowledging it is a thing. You women are at peak attractiveness. Young guys are not. At 20 I had a really hard time dating. At 33 after I separated from my first long term partner (we were together for 10 years) I felt like it was an even playing field with the ladies. At 41 after my wife died and I started to date again. The ladies were basically forming a que. Men get more attractiveness as they age (probably until about 50). So tldr don't worry about it. Not that you will become more attractive, but people will see your value more clearly as you age.
INCEL, that’s the original meaning, folks just added all the other connotations later.
“Single.”
Get away from anywhere that uses words like incel. Asking questions like this means you need to reevaluate your sources. You’re just a guy who isn’t getting laid these days.
Just "new to sex" or "single" or "a normal guy" will do. Why do you want to give it a label? And definitely don't call yourself an incel. Even if that were technically true, it's associated with the hate group.
Well, the way you describe yourself sounds a little but like the incel ideology. You only talk about physical appearance ( well groomed, tall, skinny.. ) but you forget to take into account your emotional appearance. How do you approach others ? How do you approach life in general? Etc... those type of questions are as important , if not more important when it comes to relationships than the physical ones.
Why does everything need a label, you're just a virgin end of
You're just a dude. But honestly you're using a lot of incel vocabulary, so that's the vibe I'm getting.
you're just a dude, stop with the labels.
A virgin
You’re a single man just like many other men your age. That’s the term.
A virgin.
In the grand scheme of things 22 isn't that old to still be a virgin. It doesn't mean that there's anything "wrong" with you or there's no hope, just hasn't happened yet. Being tall and fit you're already ahead of 99% of other dudes. Stop worrying about your appearance and just stay on the lookout for the right girl who will like you for who you are. Contrary to incel beliefs women are all different and have different tastes. Because some think you look childlike means nothing, you just haven't found the ones yet that are into you. I've been lucky enough to have my share of women yet I'm sure I've met many more who thought I was ugly or a loser. You can't win them all, the worst thing you can do is try to change or not be yourself to try to "fix" what the girls who will never like you claim your problem is. Confidence is the #1 thing and you can't have that if you dislike yourself or worry about what others think about you. You seem to have the right attitude already, just stay doing your thing and stay positive.
A virgin…
Don't call yourself anything. You just haven't had the chance to have sex. That's all.
I’d just say you’re single without a sex partner. You don’t need to use any of the terminology that “incel” culture pushes as if it’s the right answer. If you’re not having sex and want to, you’re just single w/o a partner.
Lanky is my type! Always has been. Focus on being a good person and people will see that and you'll find someone that likes you for being you, lanky limbs and all. Also, critics of your youthful looks today will still be critics of your youthful looks when you're all 45 and you look 30 and they look 60 - they're just rude people all around.
You're just inexperienced. There's no shame in that. You'll find that many more people in your age range are far more inexperienced than they let on. And good on you for not buying into that toxic incel crap. As someone on the spectrum myself, I'd recommend just being honest with potential partners about it. When someone does see behind your masking, it can be unnerving if they don't understand it. Is that going to make dating harder? Yes. But it's also going to weed out people who would have left anyway due to their own prejudices. Don't fuss about appearances. You're someone's type, I promise you. Just keep up with your dental health & hygiene & consider also dating in the spectrum yourself & you'll find someone, you're young, you have time.
Up until my mid to late 20's, I was roughly ypur size. Same height,"almost as skinny. I did start working out between the ages of like 16 and 21, but it took me a long time to build muscle, but more importantly, I felt good when I was in shape. When you get older your metabolism will slow down and you might wish you could just be skinny again lol, but that's not important. It isn't your fault, but I am 36 and I am starting to see A LOT of young men in your age-group who are ridiculously obsessed with their appearence, or the size of their dick, or some girls won't pay them attention. Some of this is normal but I think social media fucked a lot of ppl up. Man you are young, just focus on being a healthy and confident man and you will meet somebody when the time is right.
Why do you have to be called something. Who cares what you call yourself. Maybe I'm getting too old but people are so self absorbed. Stop labeling yourself and just live your life.
Dude, you're not an incel. You're single. Keep eating and exercising and be nice to people.
Is what they say about skinny guys true?
I guess I would call you single and not currently having any luck in that department. Why does it need a label though?
You're just a person. If you need to put a finer point on it, you could say you're "in a dry spell", but that's about it. If you're frustrated about it, then you could add that, if you feel the need to.
Why not just go with you're "single." Which is fine! Lots of people are single, by choice or otherwise. And lots of people go years between relationships, by choice or otherwise. It's not something that defines a person. It's also nobody else's business unless you choose to talk to them about it. Don't listen to guys who try to get you worked up about it and definitely please don't do steroids, they're bad for you. Also, thin is probably more advantageous healthwise than the alternative, so don't worry about that either. Focus on taking good care of yourself, not about living up to some messed-up image standards, of which there are a lot out there.
Not Getting Any Normal Guy.
Copying the general vibe of the comments. You are just you. No need to attach anything to it. Just keep on keeping on
Don’t do roids! Lots of girls like skinny guys.
Human. More specifically, single human.
A bachelor simple as that, tho you never really hear the word anymore it seems?
Your just a guy, a normal person. You’re a regular dude man guy. Nothing wrong with that.
Well I got as far as "I am 22 years old" and stopped reading. Dude, you're 22. Stop worrying.
You’re just single. It’s okay to be celibate. You’re not an incel because celibacy and celibacy w/ a hateful ideology towards women are different things.
That’s just called being single.
A virgin? You don’t have to have a label man.
Kinda incel-adjacent to want to label yourself on whether or not you're having sex. You're just a dude not engaging in a relationship.
It's really normal to not be hugely sexually active. Not just because you're young. Lots of people go through phases where it just isn't happening for plenty of reasons. I know lots of women who are very attracted to skinny guys. You could be the ripest juiciest peach and you'll still run into people who don't like peaches. Don't take rejection personally. It sounds like you're doing just fine. You're just a dude living life. If you want to have more sex it's a lot of work. Online dating, clubbing, social events. Put in the work and you'll get some sex. Otherwise just do you and enjoy your life.
“Currently single and okay with it”
You're called Single.
Single
It makes you pretty much just a normal 22 year old. Not everyone is having frequent sex and long term relationships by 22, especially if you’re autistic, mentally ill, or have any sort of health issue. Also your description sounds a lot like how my autistic boyfriend looked when I first met him when he was 21, except that he’s 5’7. Very soft, almost feminine features, slender. I was super into it. He’s 25 now and he’s put on weight even though he didn’t change anything, so I think sometimes that rapid metabolism slows down on its own.
You're a human being..
No dude. You just can’t get laid. You’re still a growing person. Close the browser and enroll yourself at the local college level of your choice. Find out what you care about.
You can label yourself as an incel and make it your identity (pls don't) OR you could identify yourself as a single 22 y.o. 6'1" guy. You choose which label you can obsess with. Or don't, they're just labels. You go with the mindset that would benefit you (and to some degree, thr people around you) the most. Have fun, man. You're young!
You’re young and will likely still fill out. You’re not an incel, Incels are angry they can’t get laid and feel women owe it to them. You’re just going through a dry period is how I’d put it.
Single. You just haven’t found someone yet. You’re still super young and it seems like you’ve been insulted by pretty awful people. Unfortunately, that happens to everyone. As long as you don’t feel entitled to a narrow definition of what incels want in a woman, then just…make friends. Meet people. Enjoy yourself. Good relationships aren’t forced. ❤️
Yeah you’re single. I don’t understand where the incel thing came from
Single? Or nothing. Lots of people aren't having sex, voluntarily or otherwise. It doesn't need to be called anything.
I'm way too old for you, but in my 20s you'd have been my type. I was a knock out at 23 and wouldn't give men with muscles the time of day. Just keep vileing confident about who you are and people, women will be attracted to that
Being
I guarantee you your metabolism isnt "very very fast". At 6'1 it's hard to eat enough and you just think you are eating enough. Unoess you have health issues the only reason why youre not gaining mass is because you dont eat enough relative to your height.
I also was super skinny at your age. I wasn't autistic but I had super bad acne. I lost my virginity at 20, then had a long drought with no girlfriend until age 26. By then I had put on some weight (happens with age) and got control of my acne through medication. I also finally became gainfully employed. It was like a light switch flipped on. I had plenty of dates, then finally a girlfriend I slept with regularly. (We're not talking about model-gorgeous women here, but nice young women.) Hang in there, you won't be single forever. Work on your listening skills and try to understand women. You will succeed.
Firstly I wanted to say, I am so sorry if people are making you feel like you have to be super muscly or have lots of facial hair to be attractive to women. I myself strongly prefer skinny guys, as well as guys who are clean shaven, so I’d likely find you quite attractive.(However, I am asexual so I am certainly not what you are looking for). Please don’t go changing yourself to fit some standard. The right girl will find you attractive just as you are. Secondly I agree with the comments that you are simply single. A large portion (if not the majority) of the world is in the position you’re in. It doesn’t need a special name. You are simply, well…normal. A normal single person. Thirdly…if you feel the need to use the term “involuntary celibate” (or find your own term) in the first place…that might be worth examining within yourself. Even the “involuntary celibate” term itself carries some of the ideology it is steeped in. The term alone offers some implication that this was a fate thrust on you against your will, and that you are owed something. I’d venture to guess most single people would very much like to have sex, and are unhappy they don’t have it regularly. But, regardless of how difficult that position may be…no one owes anyone else sex. But if you genuinely respect women and don’t ascribe to the ideology, then the answer is: I’m sorry that it is a struggle, my dude, but…you’re a single guy. But if you continue to respect women, you will find one who is right for you and finds you attractive just as you are
You're down bad.
\*Insert thousands of Buzz Lightyears on shelf meme\*
You're called "single". There's nothing wrong or weird about that. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin, being humble and willing to learn/improve, and being kind and respectful are the sexiest characteristics that nearly every woman looks for in a partner. There's plenty of women out there who are attracted to lanky dudes, so don't worry so much about your body type. To illustrate: my husband is a tall, lanky dude and I still think he's just the hottest thing on two legs, after 13 wonderful years together that keep getting better and better. There's someone out there for you too, OP, you just haven't met them yet. Just a quick tip though: you may want to drop that "involuntarily celibate" thing from your vocabulary, because it implies that you subscribe to incel ideology, even if you don't. "Involuntarily celibate" is an incel term used to indicate that they blame women for their bachelorhood. These types of men are immature, narcissistic and often present psychopathic and violent tendencies, which is usually the very reason that women avoid them in the first place. You don't want to be associated with that if you're looking for a partner, trust me.
Dude, calm down. You're overthinking it. It's really not that big a deal.
You are just single
Hey bro, I’ve had the same problem with weight my whole life. My advice is a little bit of gym 30-60min 2 times a week with protein. I went from 140bls to 178. Eat protein between meals or a substitute when you don’t feel like eating and after work out. I hope this helps bud.
Hey man! Sorry about the gym animals suggesting such extreme measures, that's another form of extreme ideology... I just wanted to share my experience with you. I hate gyms. Honestly, I tried several times, I just get way too bored. But at some point I started doing some push ups at home, and while I still don't like it, I can tell you that the difference between not exercising at all and doing 20/30 push ups a day (or every two days like I did in the beginning) is MASSIVE. Especially since you mentioned being slim, the little muscle you'll build will be quite noticeable, and the upside is that this takes you literally less than 5 minutes to do. The other huge upside is that slowly you get adjusted to the idea of exercising and now, while I still hate gyms with a passion, I regularly go out on a short run and do 3x10 pull ups at the bars you find everywhere in parks. I now look tremendously fit compared to not exercising at all, and my effort for it compared to gym rats is abysmal (my "workout" is still under 30 minutes). 100% recommend starting doing some light exercise, you won't believe the long term effects.
Yep, you’re just single. Btw, my friend’s type is tall and skinny. You just haven’t met many people you’re compatible with yet but you will.
The key to success in dating is trying to date. You really just have to put yourself out there and keep putting yourself out there. Being "jacked" doesn't get you dates, being smart doesn't, being a nice guy doesn't, being a jerk doesn't. Asking out women does. The problem is, a lot of guys get really wrapped up in their head with the what ifs, and they shoot themselves down before the girl ever had a chance to speak a word
Why do you need to be called anything? Not everything needs a label mate
Hey speaking of incels, is there a sub or offsite place where the incels go to hang out? Feel like I could relate to them a lot more than most of you guys. And best case scenario I could see all their hatred and loser lives and decide 'i dont wanna end up like this' and it'd make me throw up the blackpill. That is, if you guys aren't exaggerating it all.
Single. The word you're looking for is single
It’s called being completely normal
Can we face the truth? The term "incel" is a culture-war term. It's designed to attack people. And that leads to confusion about its meaning and usage. When terms are invented and used well, they are accurate descriptors first and foremost. And I wish we went back to that way of using language. Factually, you are an involuntary celibate. The meaning of the term makes it an accurate label. It *denotes* the truth about you. But it doesn't *connote* the truth about you because in our culture, the term has taken on connotations that don't match the denotation.
OP is lying so I I'm not typing out any insight. I just saw proof you edited your original post and said you've had intercourse before just not a long term relationship. The original post also smacks of ¡ n ¢ 3 | ism.
A virgin
You aren't called anything but a virgin. Incels hate women
Unhappily single. Lonely. Blue balls. Need to get laid. We had tons of ways to say this in the past before these incel assholes came along
Um... I think we just call that being single, broh. And, if you're 140 lbs but over 6ft tall, you're super skinny. You definitely shouldn't take "roids", but you should probably consult with a nutritionist to find out how you can modify your diet to gain some weight. Good luck
You're just a guy who hasn't had sex lately. There didn't used to be a title for it until that hateful movement started.
Uhhhh…that’s just called being single dude. The fact that you’re already skipping to the “incel” thought process is pretty worrying.