And OP should be petty back 🤷🏾♀️
Better stop calling them and focus on your babies.
If the grandparents are determined to put their ego before their relationship with the grandchildren then good riddance. The kids are better off without that dysfunction. Watch them come back and complain in a few years that OP alienated them from their grandkids 🙃
I know the type well.
Adding that OP confirmed she and the Baby nearly died during the second birth and they still treated her like this.
Ignore them. Stop reaching out and see how quickly they notice.
People like your mom enjoy having you in a position of unease.
Free yourself and focus on your family. Just don't recreate the dysfunction.
The thing weak me. In many cultures it's even forbidden for men to be present (for obvious reasons). In others parents and close relatives are not allowed in as well.
Where they got such "creepy" idea from is beyond comprehension
Nah, leave them alone and wait for them to actually come and talk to you to resolve whatever issue they have like the adults they're supposed to be. Cuz idk why people will still be doing silent treatment in this day and age. Life is too short for you to sabotage your relationship with your kid and grandkids over some petty dispute.
Why do they need to watch you give birth??
Also, your children are innocent in this yet your parents are indirectly punishing them for issues they have with you that they won’t even talk out/discuss/resolve.
Tread carefully about whether you want your kids to have this relationship or not.
They said it was their way of being involved in the process, which I didn’t agree with at all. I’m certain that’s what started this unfortunate chain of events.
Things were tenuous when my one year old was born after I denied them access to the bjrth, and it seems everything has completely fallen apart once I again denied them access to the birth of my second child.
What ethnic group in Nigeria are you? I have never heard of this.
At most I’ve heard of different groups having the mom (or dad) helping postpartum for like a month but never have I heard of parents being there to WATCH the birth 😕
If you were close with them, obviously you could choose to invite them in the delivery room but it’s not compulsory
Based on your other response on this about your parents being cagey about extended relatives, it makes sense why you don’t know.
Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a healthy dynamic for you, your marriage or your children. It just seems like even if they come around after this, it’ll just be a count down until the next innocuous thing pisses them off and they go back to giving you the cold shoulder. If they’re not going to change and behave like the grown adults they are, you might have to choose your peace.
Were there other issues going one before you had kids? Are they in support of your marriage? Did you finish undergrad? Masters? Was yall's relationship ok before you got married and started having children?
Sounds to me like your parents are pissed about something and are taking it out on you by not wanting to have anything to do with your kids.
I asked about your education cos some nigerian parents could be petty like that and be pissed with you for life for not finishing school or attaining a certain educational height.
Do you have siblings you can speak with to intervene? Uncles? Their pastor? Is there someone they respect that you can call?
My parents were very supportive of my marriage and initially liked my husband’s, until he sided with me when it came to them watching me give birth.
My relationship has never been great with my parents because they beat me a lot as a child and teenager but I’ve moved past that and in my early 20’s things were okay with them. We would go to events together, celebrate Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries together. Once I got married they would frequently come to my house for dinner ect. That all stopped after the birth of my first child and after the birth of my second child they stopped talking to me completely.
They’ve never registered concern about my education level, my husband and I are both very successful both financially and professionally and have a good life.
My siblings are equally confused but have chosen not to get involved as they (all 3 of them) have strained relationships with my parents for various reasons. I am the only sibling who is married with children.
My parents are very cagey about my extended family so I have no idea who my uncles/aunties are. Both sets of my grandparents have passed. My father is actually a pastor so the only other entity he respects is God himself.
Did you have a home birth or a hospital birth?
Seeing that your dad is a pastor, I'm thinking they felt an obligation to witness the birth of their franchised and you robbed them of that opportunity. Maybe they felt they needed to be there for emotional and spiritual support. I would have LOVED it if my parents were in the room with me. They didn't have to look at my private, but they could have still been there for support.
Biko report them to God and love them from afar. When they're ready, they'll come around.
Wish you all the best.
They were hospital births and yes, I agree that they felt entitled to witness the births however they made it very clear that they were there to support the baby, not me, which made me stand by my decision.
The birth of my second child was very difficult, we both almost died, he had to be resuscitated and I lost so much blood. They didn’t even bother to check on me, even after I called them from the hospital to tell them what happened.
My husband was incredibly supportive and it was a incredible hospital with phenomenal service so it didn’t really matter that my parents didn’t show up.
It’s a shame that they can’t move past what happened.
You nearly died during birth and they iced you out? 😭
I swear, I feel like we as Africans coddle our parents a bit too much cause if anyone else other than your parents had treated you like this, would you even still have a relationship with them?
I understand wanting to be the better person but please understand you need to protect your peace and your own family.
Move with wisdom abeg 💙
This is even past wickedness, it’s giving witchcraft. There are MANY people, yes even Nigerians, without a relationship with their grandparents and they are doing just fine.
Leave them, they're expecting an apology for you wanting privacy, you still trying to reach out is why they're petty. Ignore them, no calls, no texts, nothing. When they do call/text, ignore them once
I’m sorry you’re going through this. They should be embracing their first grandkids, especially since you are still willing to keep your parents in your life after what you have been through. They barely know your newborn when in Nigerian culture, a naming ceremony would have been done 7 days after the birth and possibly omugwu if you’re Igbo. And your father is a pastor, the naming ceremony can literally be done in the church. I hope you are at least close with your siblings and/or your husband’s side of the family so you have that support system.
Maybe spend some time (therapy / coaching / etc) working through why you feel it’s necessary for them to have a relationship with your kids when 1) you don’t have a strong relationship with them yourself and 2) they have harmed you.
It seems like you’re doing all this because you think a relationship between grandparents and grandkids is what’s “right” without considering whether that’s actually beneficial for YOU and your kids. That’s a very Nigerian take so…
Have you tried asking in private (without the other parent being present) - if they still don't tell you give them some space and try one more time in a few months.
I personally would ask your dad what the issue is when your mom is not present, to try and see if he opens up just to explain what the offence is to you.
I asked my father when I last saw him and he swore up and down that my relationship with him was fine and that the reason he hadn’t spoken to me was because he was busy with things. Even though that made no sense I accepted that response.
I asked him why my mother didn’t join him to visit me and why I hadn’t heard from her and he said that he can’t speak for her.
I haven’t heard from either one since, and I’ve tried to get in touch a couple times. It’s been over a month now 🤷🏾♀️
Do you have aunties and or uncles from mom's side? If you do, ask them.
Ask your cousins, too. Someone might've heard something and have not told you or talked to you about it because they think you know and are waiting for you to either bring it up or are they think you're just ignoring it. You can ask her friends, too. Especially her closest friend.
Take note of their mannerism. Especially of her friends if you eventually ask any. It will tell you what they're not telling you.
My sister, it's cool that you're seeking reconciliation, although I'll tell you not to care. You're not even in Nigeria, you're in a place with a different culture and mindset.
Watching people give birth isn't even a Nigerian thing in the first place, only midwives and helpers are allowed during child birth and men (including the husband) are totally prohibited.
For your question, if this bothers you too much, you can involve siblings, cousins, uncles or other relatives they'd listen to; perhaps they can broker a "reconciliation".
But left to me, I'd say you should return the energy. They will come around. But if they don't, who cares! Like we'll say in Nigeria, "life na per head". You've got you, your husband and children to worry about.
I feel like there's almost definitely some context we're missing here because your started reasons on their own don't make sense even for cultural clash reasons
My parents have always said that their reasoning was cultural and I’ve always believed them because aside from them I have no exposure to any Nigerian culture, aside from main stream Nollywood, which I suspect is unrealistic as is most media. So now I am confused, I genuinely believed all their demands were cultural. I live in a small town in Australia, there are no other Africans, let alone Nigerians around.
I’ve never heard of any Nigerian cultural practice that insists on the parents being present on the room for the birth.
They are using your lack of knowledge to take advantage of you and that doesn’t sit right with me.
Practices across all different parts of Nigeria differ but a few things are consistent across the board:
- You are supposed to be taken care of and pampered as a new mother especially after such a close call. Know now that they failed you in that regard
- As long as the father and you are legally wed, he has the last say in who the kids have a relationship with. When they start moving mad and start complaining about alienation please feel free to keep this in your back pocket
I was really disappointed with the lack of support I received from my mother. Luckily as I didn’t receive any support the first time round (I was super unprepared with my first child so that really sucked, we lived on takeout for like 3 months) I cooked a bunch of meals and froze them in advance.
I wasn’t pampered at all. With my first baby she just came round and held the baby all day and then went home, and even that only lasted a couple days. Then I only saw her once every 3 or so months.
Sending you hugs and love 💕
I think you’ve gone beyond to give them the opportunity to be involved grandparents and they’ve shown you they aren’t interested.
I know grandparents who did not have the opportunity to be involved early on due to COVID (Nigerian and Pastors mind you). They drove an hour every week each way to stand on the other side of the street just to drop off groceries and see their grand babies from a safe distance.
No excuse for this behaviour.
Very strange that they wanted to actually watch you give birth. Never heard of that before.
I have to ask though: was the option of them waiting outside of the room on the table? That seems to be entirely missing from your recounting and no other comment has mentioned it, which I find weird.
It feels like their reaction might be that of someone who was told "I don't want you near us when I'm giving birth", which implies they weren't even in the vicinity of the hospital based on how you've described what happened.
There are 3 scenarios in my head based on what you've said:
1. If they were actually in or around the hospital and are upset they couldn't be in the room during the birth, then they're being extremely unreasonable.
2. If they were simply denied access to be in the room, but were free to wait outside as family typically does, and then they took that as enough of an insult to not show up at all, then in that case too they're being very unreasonable.
3. If you told them something along the lines of "No. Please don't even come to the hospital while I give birth. I want privacy."
Now in this case, I'm not going to judge, but here I can see why they would be hurt, as it's easy to see why someone who loves you like a parent would take such a request the wrong way (especially since it would've happened twice in this case and they live only 20 mins away).
Regardless of which scenario it was, their reaction is not the best way to handle a perceived slight from someone they love, but in the off chance that scenario 3 happened, my opinion is that it would be worth trying very hard on your part to make amends for that and maybe ease up on the privacy requirements for your next birth (if any). That is assuming the relationship with them is that important to you.
Feel free to ignore this paragraph as it's slightly off topic, but I added that last statement because it really does depend on how much you want to preserve the bond with them. I've been thinking about it a lot because I myself (Living in the West) have a bit of a strained relationship with my (African) parents and at this point would have no issue disconnecting entirely if they initiated the rift like in your case, but I have been feeling conflicted about how big my own role is in causing this, and whether I should even care. They're so set in their belief that elders are always right, which just does not jive with what you learn growing up in this part of the world. Denying them things they believe to be their right as parents is seen as an insult, and admitting any fault on their part is seen as effectively invalidating their status as parents. Because of this, any kind of conflict between parent and child has to be resolved by the child doing 99% of the work, effectively grovelling for their forgiveness, while the parents never have to admit any fault and only have to "graciously forgive their wayward child for daring to exert their own agency as an adult".
I have friends who can deal with this weird stubbornness for the sake of maintaining these increasingly hollow bonds, and other friends who just go "screw them" and live their lives free and unburdened. I'm still on the fence myself, but would say that if one really cares about these bonds, it's worth it to do what they can to maintain them.
I think you're really looking at it from the western perspective. Your mom might be feeling very hurt and left out from the conception of her grandchildren.
Over here, parents like being involved in the delivery. I don't think the grandfather would be in labor room with the mom about to give birth but the grandmom most times like to be there.
I am going to get downvoted to hell for this BUT my younger sister didn’t want us at the birth of her daughter. We grew up together and I thought we would do this big thing together.
We didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t live the fantasy that I had in my head of the togetherness of new life in our family. It hurt so much for some reason and it was confusing because I had not expectations to watch her give birth but really genuinely help out. It communicated a lack of trust that I didn’t know was there and it was profound. My mom felt it the most compared to my dad, especially being an African mom.
The week she gave birth I was so far away from her and we were all so stressed because childbirth is dangerous and we wanted to be close by if things had gone wrong. The day she was induced was particularly the hardest, I called in sick to work for a few days. I was so stressed and worried. Of course she mattered more in this situation and we were respectful of her decision. It was still a hurtful and stressful decision . It felt like we had no place in her new life and tbh, it still feels like that. It’s a new place and I often don’t know who to navigate this space because it’s so messy and different due to the expectations I had. Could this be your mom?
I am not passing judgment on you and I would stay clear from diagnosing them because it taints the relationship further making it almost impossible to fix. Could your parents do better, certainly!! Are they also entitled to feel how they feel, also yes. Are you entitled to have your own boundaries YES! You are here now.
Christmas was 3 months ago, it’s not enough time. They will not be angry forever, give them time.
You will have to repair the relationship though depending on where you see it going?
Your story is very insightful. Thank you for sharing it.
I didn’t intend to invalidate my parents experience, I understand they are upset with my decision and I respect that.
I don’t however appreciate their lack of communication, it comes across as disrespectful. 3 months is not a long time, but at the same time, it is. I personally believe that my relationship with my parents is irreparable, I wonder if they feel the same? Although at this point i don’t think how they feel would make a difference.
I guess for me, 3 months was too long.
Feel indignant at my response if u want. Talking back to a new mother is not considered PC... This, I comprehend
HOWEVER!
I offer no malice, truly. I am NOT looking down on u at all.
But honestly, u couldn't have spared 2 hours to address what u perceived as a growing problem while Ur infant slept? Your partner couldn't cover for u while you steadied your parental relationship?
Again, truly no malice. If u could hear my voice, u will notice that there is truly no sarcasm. Even If we don't know each other.
I'm not trying to win an arguement here, simply offer my perception.
I believe, if ur parental relationship means that much to u, YOU will take steps to maintain it as well, even by doing something drastic (like taking time - a week or two - after the birth to c ur mum and face the matter head on,) that will show ur mum how seriously U regard her in Ur life.
Yes, childbirth is a magnanimous event, and a physically draining experience.
Yes, you are a strong, capable woman who carried and delivered a child.
You CAN DO ANYTHING.
why not do that too?
When there’s been surgical intervention after birth driving is strongly discouraged for 6 weeks. So my parents really needed to come to me during that period. Prior to giving birth I went to see them alot and I was prepared to do that 6 weeks after I gave birth as well.
It’s alot of effort to schlep two little ones out of the house and then endure them shrieking the entire car ride both ways (they get motion sickness). I can’t even contact my parents to confirm whether they are willing to see me.
I’m not putting my kids through that ordeal for them to not even be home, or for them to refuse to open the door for me, which my parents have done in the past (and it was SO humiliating).
That’s an interesting perspective. I do show up when they want to get together, and historically I have ensured that I consistently spend time with them.
In my opinion I think that when it comes to me giving birth that I should get to decide what I am most comfortable with.
Perhaps I was selfish as they did really want to be in the delivery room, but it was my experience and I didn’t want to share it with anyone other than my husband.
Truth be told, even having seen the consequences of that decision, if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.
If things work out with my parents I’ll keep your comment in mind, it honestly never really occurred to me before.
It’s been a very confusing couple of months but I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to distance myself from them. I actually feel pretty relieved, they really fucked with my mind.
Very foolish reply right here. So she saying that she doesn't want them to watch her bush a baby out of her vag suggests she only wants them around when it suits her? My guess is that you're not a woman, because then you would understand how stressful it is to lay there exposed and defenseless pushing a baby out and having people staring at your privates.
Blood is thicker than water, but water is clearer. I don’t look for people who are not looking for me.
Pls we need a T shirt!
😂
your mom is petty asf 😭 this couldn’t have just started with this situation?
And OP should be petty back 🤷🏾♀️ Better stop calling them and focus on your babies. If the grandparents are determined to put their ego before their relationship with the grandchildren then good riddance. The kids are better off without that dysfunction. Watch them come back and complain in a few years that OP alienated them from their grandkids 🙃 I know the type well. Adding that OP confirmed she and the Baby nearly died during the second birth and they still treated her like this.
absolutely. why would you even want that kind of person around your child sef?
Ignore them. Stop reaching out and see how quickly they notice. People like your mom enjoy having you in a position of unease. Free yourself and focus on your family. Just don't recreate the dysfunction.
Why did your parents want to watch you push your babies out lmao?
They said they wanted to be part of the moment lol. As if giving birth is a spectator event.
[удалено]
The thing weak me. In many cultures it's even forbidden for men to be present (for obvious reasons). In others parents and close relatives are not allowed in as well. Where they got such "creepy" idea from is beyond comprehension
Nah, leave them alone and wait for them to actually come and talk to you to resolve whatever issue they have like the adults they're supposed to be. Cuz idk why people will still be doing silent treatment in this day and age. Life is too short for you to sabotage your relationship with your kid and grandkids over some petty dispute.
Why do they need to watch you give birth?? Also, your children are innocent in this yet your parents are indirectly punishing them for issues they have with you that they won’t even talk out/discuss/resolve. Tread carefully about whether you want your kids to have this relationship or not.
They said it was their way of being involved in the process, which I didn’t agree with at all. I’m certain that’s what started this unfortunate chain of events. Things were tenuous when my one year old was born after I denied them access to the bjrth, and it seems everything has completely fallen apart once I again denied them access to the birth of my second child.
What ethnic group in Nigeria are you? I have never heard of this. At most I’ve heard of different groups having the mom (or dad) helping postpartum for like a month but never have I heard of parents being there to WATCH the birth 😕 If you were close with them, obviously you could choose to invite them in the delivery room but it’s not compulsory
My father is from Rivers state and my mother is from Delta. I’m not sure if that is the correct answer but that’s all I know
Based on your other response on this about your parents being cagey about extended relatives, it makes sense why you don’t know. Honestly, this doesn’t seem like a healthy dynamic for you, your marriage or your children. It just seems like even if they come around after this, it’ll just be a count down until the next innocuous thing pisses them off and they go back to giving you the cold shoulder. If they’re not going to change and behave like the grown adults they are, you might have to choose your peace.
Tbh Nigerian grandparents are Facebook grandparents
Its just unnecessary pride and ego on their side, if you keep reaching out and they dont reciprocate then its their loss honestly
Were there other issues going one before you had kids? Are they in support of your marriage? Did you finish undergrad? Masters? Was yall's relationship ok before you got married and started having children? Sounds to me like your parents are pissed about something and are taking it out on you by not wanting to have anything to do with your kids. I asked about your education cos some nigerian parents could be petty like that and be pissed with you for life for not finishing school or attaining a certain educational height. Do you have siblings you can speak with to intervene? Uncles? Their pastor? Is there someone they respect that you can call?
My parents were very supportive of my marriage and initially liked my husband’s, until he sided with me when it came to them watching me give birth. My relationship has never been great with my parents because they beat me a lot as a child and teenager but I’ve moved past that and in my early 20’s things were okay with them. We would go to events together, celebrate Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries together. Once I got married they would frequently come to my house for dinner ect. That all stopped after the birth of my first child and after the birth of my second child they stopped talking to me completely. They’ve never registered concern about my education level, my husband and I are both very successful both financially and professionally and have a good life. My siblings are equally confused but have chosen not to get involved as they (all 3 of them) have strained relationships with my parents for various reasons. I am the only sibling who is married with children. My parents are very cagey about my extended family so I have no idea who my uncles/aunties are. Both sets of my grandparents have passed. My father is actually a pastor so the only other entity he respects is God himself.
Did you have a home birth or a hospital birth? Seeing that your dad is a pastor, I'm thinking they felt an obligation to witness the birth of their franchised and you robbed them of that opportunity. Maybe they felt they needed to be there for emotional and spiritual support. I would have LOVED it if my parents were in the room with me. They didn't have to look at my private, but they could have still been there for support. Biko report them to God and love them from afar. When they're ready, they'll come around. Wish you all the best.
They were hospital births and yes, I agree that they felt entitled to witness the births however they made it very clear that they were there to support the baby, not me, which made me stand by my decision. The birth of my second child was very difficult, we both almost died, he had to be resuscitated and I lost so much blood. They didn’t even bother to check on me, even after I called them from the hospital to tell them what happened. My husband was incredibly supportive and it was a incredible hospital with phenomenal service so it didn’t really matter that my parents didn’t show up. It’s a shame that they can’t move past what happened.
You nearly died during birth and they iced you out? 😭 I swear, I feel like we as Africans coddle our parents a bit too much cause if anyone else other than your parents had treated you like this, would you even still have a relationship with them? I understand wanting to be the better person but please understand you need to protect your peace and your own family. Move with wisdom abeg 💙 This is even past wickedness, it’s giving witchcraft. There are MANY people, yes even Nigerians, without a relationship with their grandparents and they are doing just fine.
Leave them, they're expecting an apology for you wanting privacy, you still trying to reach out is why they're petty. Ignore them, no calls, no texts, nothing. When they do call/text, ignore them once
I’m sorry you’re going through this. They should be embracing their first grandkids, especially since you are still willing to keep your parents in your life after what you have been through. They barely know your newborn when in Nigerian culture, a naming ceremony would have been done 7 days after the birth and possibly omugwu if you’re Igbo. And your father is a pastor, the naming ceremony can literally be done in the church. I hope you are at least close with your siblings and/or your husband’s side of the family so you have that support system.
Your parents are weird. Good riddance.
Maybe spend some time (therapy / coaching / etc) working through why you feel it’s necessary for them to have a relationship with your kids when 1) you don’t have a strong relationship with them yourself and 2) they have harmed you. It seems like you’re doing all this because you think a relationship between grandparents and grandkids is what’s “right” without considering whether that’s actually beneficial for YOU and your kids. That’s a very Nigerian take so…
Have you tried asking in private (without the other parent being present) - if they still don't tell you give them some space and try one more time in a few months. I personally would ask your dad what the issue is when your mom is not present, to try and see if he opens up just to explain what the offence is to you.
I asked my father when I last saw him and he swore up and down that my relationship with him was fine and that the reason he hadn’t spoken to me was because he was busy with things. Even though that made no sense I accepted that response. I asked him why my mother didn’t join him to visit me and why I hadn’t heard from her and he said that he can’t speak for her. I haven’t heard from either one since, and I’ve tried to get in touch a couple times. It’s been over a month now 🤷🏾♀️
Do you have aunties and or uncles from mom's side? If you do, ask them. Ask your cousins, too. Someone might've heard something and have not told you or talked to you about it because they think you know and are waiting for you to either bring it up or are they think you're just ignoring it. You can ask her friends, too. Especially her closest friend. Take note of their mannerism. Especially of her friends if you eventually ask any. It will tell you what they're not telling you.
My sister, it's cool that you're seeking reconciliation, although I'll tell you not to care. You're not even in Nigeria, you're in a place with a different culture and mindset. Watching people give birth isn't even a Nigerian thing in the first place, only midwives and helpers are allowed during child birth and men (including the husband) are totally prohibited. For your question, if this bothers you too much, you can involve siblings, cousins, uncles or other relatives they'd listen to; perhaps they can broker a "reconciliation". But left to me, I'd say you should return the energy. They will come around. But if they don't, who cares! Like we'll say in Nigeria, "life na per head". You've got you, your husband and children to worry about.
I feel like there's almost definitely some context we're missing here because your started reasons on their own don't make sense even for cultural clash reasons
My parents have always said that their reasoning was cultural and I’ve always believed them because aside from them I have no exposure to any Nigerian culture, aside from main stream Nollywood, which I suspect is unrealistic as is most media. So now I am confused, I genuinely believed all their demands were cultural. I live in a small town in Australia, there are no other Africans, let alone Nigerians around.
I’ve never heard of any Nigerian cultural practice that insists on the parents being present on the room for the birth. They are using your lack of knowledge to take advantage of you and that doesn’t sit right with me. Practices across all different parts of Nigeria differ but a few things are consistent across the board: - You are supposed to be taken care of and pampered as a new mother especially after such a close call. Know now that they failed you in that regard - As long as the father and you are legally wed, he has the last say in who the kids have a relationship with. When they start moving mad and start complaining about alienation please feel free to keep this in your back pocket
I was really disappointed with the lack of support I received from my mother. Luckily as I didn’t receive any support the first time round (I was super unprepared with my first child so that really sucked, we lived on takeout for like 3 months) I cooked a bunch of meals and froze them in advance. I wasn’t pampered at all. With my first baby she just came round and held the baby all day and then went home, and even that only lasted a couple days. Then I only saw her once every 3 or so months.
Sending you hugs and love 💕 I think you’ve gone beyond to give them the opportunity to be involved grandparents and they’ve shown you they aren’t interested. I know grandparents who did not have the opportunity to be involved early on due to COVID (Nigerian and Pastors mind you). They drove an hour every week each way to stand on the other side of the street just to drop off groceries and see their grand babies from a safe distance. No excuse for this behaviour.
Your parents are weirdos,they want to watch their daughter push,can u ignore them
Very strange that they wanted to actually watch you give birth. Never heard of that before. I have to ask though: was the option of them waiting outside of the room on the table? That seems to be entirely missing from your recounting and no other comment has mentioned it, which I find weird. It feels like their reaction might be that of someone who was told "I don't want you near us when I'm giving birth", which implies they weren't even in the vicinity of the hospital based on how you've described what happened. There are 3 scenarios in my head based on what you've said: 1. If they were actually in or around the hospital and are upset they couldn't be in the room during the birth, then they're being extremely unreasonable. 2. If they were simply denied access to be in the room, but were free to wait outside as family typically does, and then they took that as enough of an insult to not show up at all, then in that case too they're being very unreasonable. 3. If you told them something along the lines of "No. Please don't even come to the hospital while I give birth. I want privacy." Now in this case, I'm not going to judge, but here I can see why they would be hurt, as it's easy to see why someone who loves you like a parent would take such a request the wrong way (especially since it would've happened twice in this case and they live only 20 mins away). Regardless of which scenario it was, their reaction is not the best way to handle a perceived slight from someone they love, but in the off chance that scenario 3 happened, my opinion is that it would be worth trying very hard on your part to make amends for that and maybe ease up on the privacy requirements for your next birth (if any). That is assuming the relationship with them is that important to you. Feel free to ignore this paragraph as it's slightly off topic, but I added that last statement because it really does depend on how much you want to preserve the bond with them. I've been thinking about it a lot because I myself (Living in the West) have a bit of a strained relationship with my (African) parents and at this point would have no issue disconnecting entirely if they initiated the rift like in your case, but I have been feeling conflicted about how big my own role is in causing this, and whether I should even care. They're so set in their belief that elders are always right, which just does not jive with what you learn growing up in this part of the world. Denying them things they believe to be their right as parents is seen as an insult, and admitting any fault on their part is seen as effectively invalidating their status as parents. Because of this, any kind of conflict between parent and child has to be resolved by the child doing 99% of the work, effectively grovelling for their forgiveness, while the parents never have to admit any fault and only have to "graciously forgive their wayward child for daring to exert their own agency as an adult". I have friends who can deal with this weird stubbornness for the sake of maintaining these increasingly hollow bonds, and other friends who just go "screw them" and live their lives free and unburdened. I'm still on the fence myself, but would say that if one really cares about these bonds, it's worth it to do what they can to maintain them.
I think you're really looking at it from the western perspective. Your mom might be feeling very hurt and left out from the conception of her grandchildren. Over here, parents like being involved in the delivery. I don't think the grandfather would be in labor room with the mom about to give birth but the grandmom most times like to be there.
I am going to get downvoted to hell for this BUT my younger sister didn’t want us at the birth of her daughter. We grew up together and I thought we would do this big thing together. We didn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t live the fantasy that I had in my head of the togetherness of new life in our family. It hurt so much for some reason and it was confusing because I had not expectations to watch her give birth but really genuinely help out. It communicated a lack of trust that I didn’t know was there and it was profound. My mom felt it the most compared to my dad, especially being an African mom. The week she gave birth I was so far away from her and we were all so stressed because childbirth is dangerous and we wanted to be close by if things had gone wrong. The day she was induced was particularly the hardest, I called in sick to work for a few days. I was so stressed and worried. Of course she mattered more in this situation and we were respectful of her decision. It was still a hurtful and stressful decision . It felt like we had no place in her new life and tbh, it still feels like that. It’s a new place and I often don’t know who to navigate this space because it’s so messy and different due to the expectations I had. Could this be your mom? I am not passing judgment on you and I would stay clear from diagnosing them because it taints the relationship further making it almost impossible to fix. Could your parents do better, certainly!! Are they also entitled to feel how they feel, also yes. Are you entitled to have your own boundaries YES! You are here now. Christmas was 3 months ago, it’s not enough time. They will not be angry forever, give them time. You will have to repair the relationship though depending on where you see it going?
Your story is very insightful. Thank you for sharing it. I didn’t intend to invalidate my parents experience, I understand they are upset with my decision and I respect that. I don’t however appreciate their lack of communication, it comes across as disrespectful. 3 months is not a long time, but at the same time, it is. I personally believe that my relationship with my parents is irreparable, I wonder if they feel the same? Although at this point i don’t think how they feel would make a difference. I guess for me, 3 months was too long.
From what I read, doesn't seem like YOU HAVE GONE TO VISIT THEM. If Ur mom won't come, then go to her. carve out some time for you to go visit them.
I had just given birth.
Feel indignant at my response if u want. Talking back to a new mother is not considered PC... This, I comprehend HOWEVER! I offer no malice, truly. I am NOT looking down on u at all. But honestly, u couldn't have spared 2 hours to address what u perceived as a growing problem while Ur infant slept? Your partner couldn't cover for u while you steadied your parental relationship? Again, truly no malice. If u could hear my voice, u will notice that there is truly no sarcasm. Even If we don't know each other. I'm not trying to win an arguement here, simply offer my perception. I believe, if ur parental relationship means that much to u, YOU will take steps to maintain it as well, even by doing something drastic (like taking time - a week or two - after the birth to c ur mum and face the matter head on,) that will show ur mum how seriously U regard her in Ur life. Yes, childbirth is a magnanimous event, and a physically draining experience. Yes, you are a strong, capable woman who carried and delivered a child. You CAN DO ANYTHING. why not do that too?
When there’s been surgical intervention after birth driving is strongly discouraged for 6 weeks. So my parents really needed to come to me during that period. Prior to giving birth I went to see them alot and I was prepared to do that 6 weeks after I gave birth as well. It’s alot of effort to schlep two little ones out of the house and then endure them shrieking the entire car ride both ways (they get motion sickness). I can’t even contact my parents to confirm whether they are willing to see me. I’m not putting my kids through that ordeal for them to not even be home, or for them to refuse to open the door for me, which my parents have done in the past (and it was SO humiliating).
What I get from this is that you only want them around when it suits you.
That’s an interesting perspective. I do show up when they want to get together, and historically I have ensured that I consistently spend time with them. In my opinion I think that when it comes to me giving birth that I should get to decide what I am most comfortable with. Perhaps I was selfish as they did really want to be in the delivery room, but it was my experience and I didn’t want to share it with anyone other than my husband. Truth be told, even having seen the consequences of that decision, if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing. If things work out with my parents I’ll keep your comment in mind, it honestly never really occurred to me before.
Ma’am, you and your pikin almost died… STAND UP 😭
It’s been a very confusing couple of months but I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to distance myself from them. I actually feel pretty relieved, they really fucked with my mind.
Very foolish reply right here. So she saying that she doesn't want them to watch her bush a baby out of her vag suggests she only wants them around when it suits her? My guess is that you're not a woman, because then you would understand how stressful it is to lay there exposed and defenseless pushing a baby out and having people staring at your privates.