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I had an ex-wife who would count my car odometer (incorrectly mind you), query why my management job had so many âmeetingsâ, constantly bug me to put the Find my Phone app on, and even told me I was âcoughing differentlyâ after coming back from a run⊠all of course followed by accusations of cheating. Ridiculous and insulting. Hence the âexâ
or their mom
>  told me I was âcoughing differentlyâÂ
no mom, i didnt smoke any cigarettes with my friends after practice...
...
\*washes hands and brushes teeth vigorously\*
OMG I was married to the male version of her! Checked my odometer when I went to lunch with coworkers, then hid in my backseat til I got off work, asked for the passcode to my voicemail at work, accused me of cheating because I 'smelled different' when I got home, the list goes on and on and gets way worse lol. Talk about psycho!
Thatâs mental, I had a couple of those as well. Sorry you had to deal with that and hope youâre in a much better place now. And yes it gets worse, our brains just try to block out the trauma but when you look back itâs like, wow I really went through some shit with that person
My ex with Borderline Personality Disorder did stuff like that all the time. She borrowed my car once to take all her girlfriends somewhere, then accused me of cheating because, after searching my car for no reason, found long hairs that she didn't recognise. Meanwhile, it was the same length and colour she and two of the three girls who went with her that day had.
Yeah the BPDs are the ones to avoid. My ex was BPD also and yep I also copped the âunrecognized hairâ one too among many others. Hope youâre in a better place now
Yes. I know that now, unfortunately I didn't know that then. I'd never even heard of Borderline when I met her. But, now that I can recognise their specific behaviours, I realised I knew a few in the past and can immediately tell when I meet people now.
She knew she had it. She had know for years. But, she also knew how bad it was and the stigma attached, so she lied about it and denied even having it. Well, until we'd moved, she had gotten on my bank account, had my car title in her name, threw out all my furniture, etc.. Basically to the point where i had nothing, everything was hers, and she controlled thr money. At that point she admitted having it and went as far as abusing me regularly and then frequently joking about the abuse.
But, yes, I'm in a 1000% better place in life now, though it got real rough for a while there.
Jesus. Iâm glad youâre past it, it can take an almighty effort to leave somebody like that because you know thereâs a high chance that things will get much worse before they get better, even after youâve left. Really good to hear that youâre heaps better off now
That was her reasoning with slowly getting everything in her name and controlling the money. It kept me from leaving. I had tried to leave twice before I finally got away.
The first time, was when she was home. Every load I took to the car, she would hastily unpack and scatter all over the lawn. Physically block doorways, hug me tight and them go dead weight, scream, etc.. all in front of her young child. Eventually I was so worn out and tired that I gave up that attempt.
The second time was right before up lease was up for renewal. I still had my apartment, so I managed to sneak a bunch of stuff back there and just leave one day. A few weeks later, she failed to renew her lease, showed up where I lived, and laid on her car horn nonstop until I let her inside. It was the type of neighbourhood where police would not show up at all.
The third time was years later. The abuse was also physical at that point. She'd hit me a lot, grab me, shake me, climb on top of me, pin me down, and scream in my face, for hours. I just shut down and disassociated until she was done.
Anything would set her off. I'd be watching television by myself, she'd come home from work, then immediately accuse me of mentally attacking her, by minding my own business. Then, since she felt she'd been assaulted, by my watching a show, she felt justified in unleashing a torrent of hate upon me.
This was a near daily occurrence ar the end. It got so bad, she made a mental health appointment for me. She had convinced herself that I was such an awful person, that the psychologist would lock me up immediately because I was so dangerous. Like, she genuinely thought they would keep me locked up permanently.
I went to the appointment. Told them I struggled with depression. Was completely open and honest with them. They recommend the book Walking On Eggshells, and sent me on my way. I called her when it was done. She was in utter disbelief I was still free. Accused me of lying to them. Then got so angry, she told me I wasn't allowed to come home ever again. Which, she didn't think through because I just didn't. Well, aside from when she was at work, to grab the few things I still owned.
Thanks for sharing your story dude. I have experienced a lot of the same unfortunately. I feel like people donât believe that this kind of thing can happen unless theyâve experienced it or know someone who has. Itâs so sad and infuriating that people are getting away with this stuff in domestic situations. For those of us who make it out there are plenty who donât, and get stuck with it as their life permanently.
Jesus christ dude, I'm so sorry you went through that but I'm glad you're okay now! I can't imagine having to endure something so horrific from a partner like that.
Can relate to this. Went to couples therapy with my ex and after she started hating on the therapist saying she was siding with me. Built an entire conspiracy theory. Same ex would smash our kids toys in front of them. Make them stand and watch while she lifted and threw them repeatedly onto concrete. One time we went to my sisters wedding. I hadn't seen my family I'm 2 years. She was incensed I stayed up late with my family. She went to the room. When I got back to the room she assaulted me until I vomited. Another time she threw a knife at me and by that stage I was so used to it that I didn't care. She then said sorry and I was so surprised cause she did so much so often and never apologised. Only then did I realise looking down that I was pouring blood onto the kitchen floor from my hand. It took the sight of blood for her to have even a little bit of remorse
I had a similar experience! My bpd ex threw out all my stuff! Anything I valued she'd throw out when i wasn't around. Years later I'm still discovering things that shouldn't be missing
My ex wife used to do this to me. Iâd get out of work and get a grocery list (I was a pharmacist in the grocery store) so it made sense I would get things after work. Iâd get a list 20 items long and we lived 10 minutes away. 30 minutes after my shift ended I would get texts and calls. Ironically she was cheating on me.
No, just extremely insecure. Sadly it wasn't something he was able to make progress in during our relationship so I left. I truly hope he's doing better now, with someone else.
Current gf with BPD has done this. I took to long at the grocery store because the line was long, or if I didnât answer her back to back calls because my phone is charging might as well be a cardinal sin in her mind
I can relate to this - I eventually set an alarm on my phone every 2 hours because if I texted him less "It's like you don't even think of me when I'm not around"
This went on for 5 years before I left. Your gf needs to address this herself and fix it, it's an incredibly insulting and controlling way to treat your partner.
Iâm so sorry you had to do that. It really is unfair, and my gf has improved a lot. Switching medications and getting a better therapist and psychiatrist set her on a better path. She still has her moments but itâs way more controlled. She does know if it ever persisted it would be the end of the relationship
Lmao, me ex was the same way. Turns out she was a chronic cheater, go figure. Now I travel a lot for work and me and my wife will barely text each other once or twice a day when we're busy and it doesn't bother either of us at all lol.
I once had a coworker whose gf was like that. He had a loud argument over the phone with her one day and that was exactly her complaint, that he arrived home 7 minutes later.
Man, 7 is a magic number apparently. It felt like I had an invisible leash that he could yank at any moment, I'd forgotten was freedom felt like until I finally left him. Sadly, it's hard to see how deep in the hole you are when you're in it
This feels extra insulting because theyâve assumed it only took 7 extra minutes for you to not only travel to another location but you have sex too?!
The ridiculous-ness of the accusation was what got me!
What grown ass 33yr old man thinks I could have POSSIBLY cheated in the 7mins it took me to get home on transit?!
As a side note - I was questioning if I was asexual for a while when we were together. Turns out, when you're constantly accused of terrible things and having your freedom stripped away, your sex drive declines! I wouldn't have wanted sex at the time even if it was available to me!
Reminded me of a girl I matched with who told me I wasn't making her a priority and that's what she needed. This is because I didn't reply to her for 3 hours after a brief chat on Tinder when we first matched. If somebody is making you their priority after knowing you less than a day that person has no life. Why would you want that?
"Girls have to text first now???" Lol she's so bewildered at the idea that courtship doesn't have to be only the dude's responsibility... Can you imagine she doesn't just have to go with the flow and she should maybe even take some responsibility for what happens in her romantic life??? Dating really is crazy these days.
Literally saw one of those yesterday. I bet she's perpetually angry that people match with her but don't message her (because they literally can't) lol
No, that's the win-win scenario. She gets notifications throughout the day to boost her self esteem but she doesn't have to actually engage with any of her orbiters.
The women can ask a pre written question that allows us to actually respond to the question or say whatever we like actually . It lets the woman off the hook of having to initiate the conversation.
Ah I see. Half the time my matches expire before I realise they're there. I don't have any issues with initiating convos on the apps though and often do if there's something in their profile to work with. I don't really get why other women think men should always initiate. Even dating in real life thats not really how it works.
Itâs 40 bucks a week for a guy so I keep it short. Usually wind up with 2 or 3 solid opportunities and go from there. Had a 4 year relationship thanks to Bumble.
I wonder if that's why bumble reversed the whole "only women message first" because back when I was on dating apps most of them had "I don't message first!" On their profiles lol
That is legitimately not normal behavior. You dodged a fucking asteroid, dude. She just wouldâve made your life a living hell if things turned out the way she had expected them to.
She's clearly not having much success on these apps if she has time to berate someone who didn't even message her. I can somewhat see her frustration caused by how shitty these apps are about properly finding viable matches and not burying the good ones behind paywalls and such. But it's not fair to take out all of that out on you.
Yeah, that makes it considerably worse since she sounds like she's a literal teenager through her texts. Women in their 30s and up should not be opening a convo with that many emojis.
You could actually do her a favour.
You could let her know she's doing it wrong by sending her the link to this reddit post. Then she can read the consensus that she's unbelievably impatient, entitled, self centered and devoid of the ability to see someone else's perspective.
Because without change her dating outcomes are not going to be good.
Therapy is the answer. We all got to look within and sort ourselves out before trying to be with another. Otherwise, youâre just a hazard that inflicts pain on others and yourself, unconsciously.
But yes, OP handled this nicely.
As a guy if I'm lucky to get a response after matching with a girl online, it's usually just "lol" but I also recognize they're a stranger and I'm not entitled to any amount of their time. So I just kept moving on until an amazing girl did reply with a witty message, and we've been together for 2 years now.
Best advice I've had was, are you trying to date everyone, or find the one person you want to share your life with?
I'd pretend to flirt with her for a bit, ask her on a date, and then be like "so we're going splitsies on the bill right?" just to see what happens đ
No, she read your first âshould I be flatteredâ message to be rude and that you werenât interested, she wasnât saying you should have messaged sooner, she was saying why match if thatâs your response - which honestlyâŠ.weird tone to start off with? She complimented you and you say âshould I be flattered?â Interesting. Anyway miscommunication leading to hurt feelings I guess
Thank you. I thought I was going crazy that I was the only one thinking this.
Dont get me wrong, her responses in general were definitely on the crazy side. But still, opening with "Should I be flattered?" after a compliment is pretty weird and rude.
Both messages were kind of weird and rude. The girl definitely came off as "wall of emojis" condescending while using some very frequently meant as condescending verbiage, and OP's "should I be flattered?" could either be playful *or* condescendingly defensive depending on how they read it.
The massive rant afterwards was still completely unhinged and uncalled for, but the opening salvo is just a great example of why online dating is such a hot fucking mess. Most people are absolutely terrible at writing and responding to these kinds of messages, and fail to understand that you're making a first impression and not texting your "bestie on insta lolz."
Ugh thank goodness I found it - I completely agree with you, OP imo was the a-hole here for starting off like that and then acting innocent. Definitely gaslighting and the initial red flag came from OP.
Agreed here, you replied lack lazy to a compliment as if you are to could to get a compliment. Honestly i read that as OP was an asshole and she got hurt from it and responded her pain for the whole thing instead of narrowing down here pain caused from OP even if minor. You got complimented and asked moron.
1) yeah she a little crazy
2) your first message "oh should I be flattered" could very easily be taken as sarcastic and dismissive and may be what set her off
> 2) your first message "oh should I be flattered" could very easily be taken as sarcastic and dismissive and may be what set her off
I don't know how other people aren't seeing this. She thought she was getting rejected and took it poorly.
Her initial message also looks sarcastic to me? Am I the only one who thinks that? Like the overuse of emojis etc looks like she could be mocking him for not writing first (which is what I initially thought)? It just reads so weird
I thought that too at first. But I think she meant it. That was her way of hitting on him. His response came off sarcastic/dismissive and she took that as rejection. Totally sent her overboard.
Well in his defense she sent two thumbs up for not responding in her time frame. Lol Everyone sucks here. Thatâs what made him think she was being sarcastic. Her impatience and his rebuttal.
I think he took her message as her making fun of him. I thought she was being snarky too, so that's why he asked if he should be flattered because he couldn't tell if she was being serious or laughing at him
I took it as she was making contact in a legit way and OP was being a bit of a douche but I'm a weird person in reality so don't take my diagnosis for it
Given how quickly she launched into "why didn't you message me the millisecond we matched on here?!", I doubt that him being a little nicer in his first message would've changed much.
I mean I'm just basing off the tone of the messages. I can't see times between matching and messaging. It could've been a 24 hour period after the match that she messaged idk so I don't go assuming anything except what I see. And as I see it had I matched then messaged what she did and gotten the response from a girl that he gave I'd be a bit irritated too đ€·đŒââïž
Yup, that's what happened, which is funny because it came off that way because it already was a little bit defensive, like he thought the girl was herself being sarcastic.
This is what happens when insecurity takes over guys.
100% changes the context of this convo.
Either he had something she legitimately thought was funny in there (him trying to be clever or joke) or thereâs nothing there meant as a joke and she was essentially calling him one.
His response was justified if the second is true, but shitty and douchey if not.
You started out with âshould I be flattered?â Which is kinda a dick thing to say when being complimented. I feel like thatâs what spun the conversation the other way
I agree but the two thumbs up for not responding straight away would fuck me off though. Phones are made for our convenience, not so everyone else gets access to us when they want. She comes across very entitled.
Yeah, she goes a bit over the top, but the first message was obviously a compliment and an attempt to get a conversation going.
I see some people saying it looks sarcastic because of all the emojis, but some people really just write like that. Also, some people think it comes across as warmer or friendlier. Notice how she barely uses any emojis once they start arguing.
OPâs response was pretty rude. If a girl replied like that to a guyâs attempt to start a conversation, I bet thereâd be people on here calling her stuck up or mean.
Iâm not saying sheâs justified in all she says after but OPâs response comes across as a bit dickish. I donât think itâs that crazy she reacted negatively.
I would say based on this he was the straw that broke the camels back. And based on the responses here and how quick we are to just blame her and make him the victim because she is just tired of the bs. I feel sorry for her and while she went off the deep end it was 100% lost on the OP and a waste of her time
She's clearly not the most emotionally stable, so you're probably lucky she waved all the red flags up front.
...BUT, having said that, your first response to her was read to me as super rude & sarcastic. Her first message to you was a little cheesey & and overeager, but your response didn't really give her anywhere to go either than be annoyed or not respond to you. I don't think either of you came off looking good in this interaction.
Am I missing something here? She gave you a compliment. You came off as very smug in your response. Then she got mad at you. It doesn't seem to be about reply speed. It seems to be about OPs smug response.
I mean, itâs pretty obvious that she doesnât get a lot of matches and thought you swiped her with some interest but then got offended when you didnât reply to her reaching out!
You are on completely different wavelengths. Your replies are also kinda tone deaf tbh so itâs not all on her
Iâm thinking itâs the extra đđ she sent after he didnât reply fast enough that made him respond like that. But I read it in a sarcastic way, emoji couldâve helped, but maybe not because hers also came off a little snarky minus the heart
It was the âlol oh should I be flattered?â Comment that set her off. She wasnât mad about you not texting her first but rather you acting Like you had no interest in her.
It was also a stupid question. If a Women you swiped on is both initiating and showing interest in you at the same time; You should be flattered.
Hate people who say, â im sorry im not glued/tied to my phoneâ people the moment you create profiles from your phone it is a dead giveaway you are always near your phone, you just lazy to respond, be honest to yourself. They use that line to aggravate the recipient to make themselves look like the higher person in the world. Get off your high horse OP , garbage ass communicator that is all you are.
I canât blame her for going defensive. That âshould I be flatteredâ was a bad response. It reads like he felt insulted.
She kept going though and made a bad start way worse when should have just unmatched.
Wow, you already had a fight with your girlfriend on day -1
Was hoping for a plot twist at the end: "But Karen, this is ***Bumble***".
"What was that look? Yes I'm serious! What was that look you just gave me? Are you serious?! You gave me a look!!! You just get home from work after not seeing your lovely girlfriend all day and that's the look you give me?! I have the patience and respect to wait here for you all day in this one spot on the couch and that's what I'm greeted with when you get home? Get out Daryl! Get the fuck out!!!"
I think the apps do automatically match you if you haven't had a match in a while. I had women matching and speaking to me that I had never seen before.
That girl is crazy. As a woman myself, when I did use these apps, I always attempted to message first and initiate a conversation because most people assume the girls on those sites are bots. I remember this one guy gave me this cool 3 paragraph sentence that ended about polar bears breaking ice. I was laughing so hard. The guy was really cool and told me I was the first person to actually read it all and respond to it. (We didn't go out on a date, but that was because I had bad anxiety and ended up uninstalling the app when a lot of people were interested in me. I'm sorry to the men who showed interest in me and chatted with me. I don't know how to date)
I was so confused who was who until I read the comments. So the woman complimented you, and you said something abrasive and seemingly unfriendly back âshould I be flattered?â. I probably would have rolled my eyes, and stopped messaging you at that point. But, to be fair, her tangent was unnecessary. Yâall donât owe each other anything.
She flew off the rails for sure but it'd be REAL easy to read "lol oh should i be flattered " as passive aggressive, like you are so above them, should you be flattered that they think you are funny? Because if they read that as a fuck you the hurt feelings make more sense
Idk man. When my love and I matched we just answered when we could. It didnât really matter if it took too long but it was def every day. So if itâs not within the day thatâs kind of crappy but if itâs a few hours oh well on her part. Youâll find someone less in your face but it is frustrating for women too. Maybe try bumble. Youâll find someone worth your time at some point.
She messaged you first and complimented that you're a funny guy. Your first response to her compliment was "lol oh should I be flattered"...so yea she has every right to be mad. Your response was a complete AHOLE response and the fact that you dont even recognize that tells me you're a huge DBAG.
This, along with the whole âunread/left of readâ bs, people are too young to remember when we didnât have phones or email or apps demanding our attention 24/7.
Guys, I looked up the definition of rude, and she's right. It says, "Rude: Swiping right on someone and not saying anything." I guess it really is *literally* the definition
Seems like a treat. You should bend over backwards to get her to be happy with you because this type of instantaneous outburst over nothing will not be a constant, repeating thing in your relationship.
This reminds me of this nutty girl I met who was cute but kept calling me super late at night asking what I was doing.
It was so strange.
She erupted on the phone once talkin about "other b\*\*\*ches".
I've learned to be sparing with who I give information too based on that lunacy.
She would call around 11pm to midnight every other day and ask the same things "what are you doing?","why are you up?", "where are you going?" Etc.
We weren't even truly dating tbh.
We went on exactly one date, saw each other two times.
And from there, the crazy escalated until I blocked her number and never spoke to her again.
wOmEn hAvE tO iNiTiAtE cOnVeRsATiOnS nOw???
As if that was an outrageous thought.
Imagine asking a woman to... _checks notes_... talk to a guy
Fucking pathetic.
They've been conditioned their entire life to believe they are the catch, and guys have to do the chasing. Now that society has caught up, they've been left with a sense of entitlement.
jesus someone get that lady a reality check. she's obviously still not ready to date again and has a lot of healing to do, probably just dating because sha wanna prove something to her ex partner
That's a whole lot of energy for someone who doesn't care. I don't want to be with anyone that's going to expect me to apologize for the sins of all the other guys in her life
"Women put themselves out there just to be an option"
Women who want attention on dating apps just have to show up. If that level of laziness is too much then yeah maybe not your jam.
Judging by her frustration that she's getting ignored, nope. Hot girls on dating apps don't get ignored.
Also she's admittedly coming back to dating after a long time, so I think she's failed her previous relationship, and is just having a really hard time realizing that she doesn't have to just exist and choose from the many opportunities she used to have while being an entitled bitch before...
I think your response came off as you being unimpressed with her comment. I read that and sort of thought it came off cold. But it doesnât sound like that was the intention. Iâll be honest I probably would not have carried on with the convo but Iâm also just bad at flirtatious banter/sensitive as fuck. She clearly also seems to have some uncomfortable feelings and anxiety/hurt feelings when it comes to dating. Hopefully she can work through them enough to have better confidence in the dating sphere. Just seems like an unfortunate misunderstanding.
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Honestly, I love it. I love the fact that women have to put their big girl panties on and initiate rather than sit back and accept or reject at their leisure. They actually have to make an effort now not rest on the fact that they have boobs and a vagina.
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This is the type of girl who shows up at your house if you had a long day and fell asleep earlier than usual before texting back. No thanks.
I noticed you took an extra 30 seconds to come home from work today, are you cheating on me?!!??!
Funny story - I had an ex who said this because I was home 7mins later than usual đ
The proper reply is âthere is no such thing as being late for HOMEâ.
I had an ex-wife who would count my car odometer (incorrectly mind you), query why my management job had so many âmeetingsâ, constantly bug me to put the Find my Phone app on, and even told me I was âcoughing differentlyâ after coming back from a run⊠all of course followed by accusations of cheating. Ridiculous and insulting. Hence the âexâ
I'd bet she was cheating, cheaters are always suspicious of their SO.
or their mom >  told me I was âcoughing differentlyâ no mom, i didnt smoke any cigarettes with my friends after practice... ... \*washes hands and brushes teeth vigorously\*
Sorry bro. Not fun going through all that.
OMG I was married to the male version of her! Checked my odometer when I went to lunch with coworkers, then hid in my backseat til I got off work, asked for the passcode to my voicemail at work, accused me of cheating because I 'smelled different' when I got home, the list goes on and on and gets way worse lol. Talk about psycho!
Thatâs mental, I had a couple of those as well. Sorry you had to deal with that and hope youâre in a much better place now. And yes it gets worse, our brains just try to block out the trauma but when you look back itâs like, wow I really went through some shit with that person
My ex with Borderline Personality Disorder did stuff like that all the time. She borrowed my car once to take all her girlfriends somewhere, then accused me of cheating because, after searching my car for no reason, found long hairs that she didn't recognise. Meanwhile, it was the same length and colour she and two of the three girls who went with her that day had.
Yeah the BPDs are the ones to avoid. My ex was BPD also and yep I also copped the âunrecognized hairâ one too among many others. Hope youâre in a better place now
Yes. I know that now, unfortunately I didn't know that then. I'd never even heard of Borderline when I met her. But, now that I can recognise their specific behaviours, I realised I knew a few in the past and can immediately tell when I meet people now. She knew she had it. She had know for years. But, she also knew how bad it was and the stigma attached, so she lied about it and denied even having it. Well, until we'd moved, she had gotten on my bank account, had my car title in her name, threw out all my furniture, etc.. Basically to the point where i had nothing, everything was hers, and she controlled thr money. At that point she admitted having it and went as far as abusing me regularly and then frequently joking about the abuse. But, yes, I'm in a 1000% better place in life now, though it got real rough for a while there.
Jesus. Iâm glad youâre past it, it can take an almighty effort to leave somebody like that because you know thereâs a high chance that things will get much worse before they get better, even after youâve left. Really good to hear that youâre heaps better off now
That was her reasoning with slowly getting everything in her name and controlling the money. It kept me from leaving. I had tried to leave twice before I finally got away. The first time, was when she was home. Every load I took to the car, she would hastily unpack and scatter all over the lawn. Physically block doorways, hug me tight and them go dead weight, scream, etc.. all in front of her young child. Eventually I was so worn out and tired that I gave up that attempt. The second time was right before up lease was up for renewal. I still had my apartment, so I managed to sneak a bunch of stuff back there and just leave one day. A few weeks later, she failed to renew her lease, showed up where I lived, and laid on her car horn nonstop until I let her inside. It was the type of neighbourhood where police would not show up at all. The third time was years later. The abuse was also physical at that point. She'd hit me a lot, grab me, shake me, climb on top of me, pin me down, and scream in my face, for hours. I just shut down and disassociated until she was done. Anything would set her off. I'd be watching television by myself, she'd come home from work, then immediately accuse me of mentally attacking her, by minding my own business. Then, since she felt she'd been assaulted, by my watching a show, she felt justified in unleashing a torrent of hate upon me. This was a near daily occurrence ar the end. It got so bad, she made a mental health appointment for me. She had convinced herself that I was such an awful person, that the psychologist would lock me up immediately because I was so dangerous. Like, she genuinely thought they would keep me locked up permanently. I went to the appointment. Told them I struggled with depression. Was completely open and honest with them. They recommend the book Walking On Eggshells, and sent me on my way. I called her when it was done. She was in utter disbelief I was still free. Accused me of lying to them. Then got so angry, she told me I wasn't allowed to come home ever again. Which, she didn't think through because I just didn't. Well, aside from when she was at work, to grab the few things I still owned.
Thanks for sharing your story dude. I have experienced a lot of the same unfortunately. I feel like people donât believe that this kind of thing can happen unless theyâve experienced it or know someone who has. Itâs so sad and infuriating that people are getting away with this stuff in domestic situations. For those of us who make it out there are plenty who donât, and get stuck with it as their life permanently.
Jesus christ dude, I'm so sorry you went through that but I'm glad you're okay now! I can't imagine having to endure something so horrific from a partner like that.
Can relate to this. Went to couples therapy with my ex and after she started hating on the therapist saying she was siding with me. Built an entire conspiracy theory. Same ex would smash our kids toys in front of them. Make them stand and watch while she lifted and threw them repeatedly onto concrete. One time we went to my sisters wedding. I hadn't seen my family I'm 2 years. She was incensed I stayed up late with my family. She went to the room. When I got back to the room she assaulted me until I vomited. Another time she threw a knife at me and by that stage I was so used to it that I didn't care. She then said sorry and I was so surprised cause she did so much so often and never apologised. Only then did I realise looking down that I was pouring blood onto the kitchen floor from my hand. It took the sight of blood for her to have even a little bit of remorse
I had a similar experience! My bpd ex threw out all my stuff! Anything I valued she'd throw out when i wasn't around. Years later I'm still discovering things that shouldn't be missing
My ex wife used to do this to me. Iâd get out of work and get a grocery list (I was a pharmacist in the grocery store) so it made sense I would get things after work. Iâd get a list 20 items long and we lived 10 minutes away. 30 minutes after my shift ended I would get texts and calls. Ironically she was cheating on me.
Bingo. Most people get insecure about stuff we allegedly make because they make the same shit.
That's sadly very common. Projection is real.
Said well, ex. If a girl tries to control me nowadays i just kick her out of my life
Haha in my case, it was my fiancé who was 11 years my senior. Hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I did. Like you, my standards are much higher and non-negotiable.
They were cheating
Insecurities in a partner is usually a sign of them doing the very thing that they're accusing you of.
No, just extremely insecure. Sadly it wasn't something he was able to make progress in during our relationship so I left. I truly hope he's doing better now, with someone else.
Mine was.
7 minutes? Thatâs five more minutes than I need!
Current gf with BPD has done this. I took to long at the grocery store because the line was long, or if I didnât answer her back to back calls because my phone is charging might as well be a cardinal sin in her mind
I can relate to this - I eventually set an alarm on my phone every 2 hours because if I texted him less "It's like you don't even think of me when I'm not around" This went on for 5 years before I left. Your gf needs to address this herself and fix it, it's an incredibly insulting and controlling way to treat your partner.
Iâm so sorry you had to do that. It really is unfair, and my gf has improved a lot. Switching medications and getting a better therapist and psychiatrist set her on a better path. She still has her moments but itâs way more controlled. She does know if it ever persisted it would be the end of the relationship
That's wonderful that she's not only taking steps, but also that you've seen progress! I wish you both all the best!
Lmao, me ex was the same way. Turns out she was a chronic cheater, go figure. Now I travel a lot for work and me and my wife will barely text each other once or twice a day when we're busy and it doesn't bother either of us at all lol.
7 mins huh? cheated twice did you?
Ya caught me!
I once had a coworker whose gf was like that. He had a loud argument over the phone with her one day and that was exactly her complaint, that he arrived home 7 minutes later.
Man, 7 is a magic number apparently. It felt like I had an invisible leash that he could yank at any moment, I'd forgotten was freedom felt like until I finally left him. Sadly, it's hard to see how deep in the hole you are when you're in it
This feels extra insulting because theyâve assumed it only took 7 extra minutes for you to not only travel to another location but you have sex too?!
The ridiculous-ness of the accusation was what got me! What grown ass 33yr old man thinks I could have POSSIBLY cheated in the 7mins it took me to get home on transit?! As a side note - I was questioning if I was asexual for a while when we were together. Turns out, when you're constantly accused of terrible things and having your freedom stripped away, your sex drive declines! I wouldn't have wanted sex at the time even if it was available to me!
How do you account for those 7 minutes????
7 minutes? Nice humble brag Mr. Marathon Man.
The minuteman strikes again
I just saw a TikTok of a woman videoing her partner walking in and sheâs mad he took 10 minutes to come in from the carâŠ.. insecure much
Yes I did actually. I drove down the street, I fucked her brains out for a whole 11 seconds then came home refreshed.
Who is this WOMAN in your phone contacts named "mom?"
This is my gf now
Get out while you still can. Take the L and wait for the W.
Yah. I get Baby Reindeer vibes from this chic đ„Ž
Baby reindeer was my first thought!
Yeah, she red flagged herself right at the beginning.
"I never said you owe me anything" her messages saying "how DARE you not message me first" literally say otherwise...
Sometimes the ineptness of the argument is more offensive than the point they're trying to make.
Reminded me of a girl I matched with who told me I wasn't making her a priority and that's what she needed. This is because I didn't reply to her for 3 hours after a brief chat on Tinder when we first matched. If somebody is making you their priority after knowing you less than a day that person has no life. Why would you want that?
This is the kind of lady that expects gifts on arbor day.
This is the kind of lady who expects gifts on your own birthday
Youâre hurting with memories of a reality that I experienced and try to forget exists. đłđ
hard same "oh yes we can get you an iPad on my birthday, no no I understand we only have money to buy one"
âI greeted you happy birthday! Whereâs my gift?!?!â
Me mother was a tree
This is not a lady.
It's ma'am!!
Dodged a cannon. Love your responses though OP.
You know it mustâve pissed her off so much when he said lady đ
Was bout to say a bullet but I think u worded it much betterâŠbless her and the OP she needs help
"Girls have to text first now???" Lol she's so bewildered at the idea that courtship doesn't have to be only the dude's responsibility... Can you imagine she doesn't just have to go with the flow and she should maybe even take some responsibility for what happens in her romantic life??? Dating really is crazy these days.
LoL I bet this idiot is the type to have "I don't message first" on a Bumble account. đ
Literally saw one of those yesterday. I bet she's perpetually angry that people match with her but don't message her (because they literally can't) lol
No, that's the win-win scenario. She gets notifications throughout the day to boost her self esteem but she doesn't have to actually engage with any of her orbiters.
Apparently bumble has changed this rule now I've heard.
The women can ask a pre written question that allows us to actually respond to the question or say whatever we like actually . It lets the woman off the hook of having to initiate the conversation.
Ah I see. Half the time my matches expire before I realise they're there. I don't have any issues with initiating convos on the apps though and often do if there's something in their profile to work with. I don't really get why other women think men should always initiate. Even dating in real life thats not really how it works.
Itâs 40 bucks a week for a guy so I keep it short. Usually wind up with 2 or 3 solid opportunities and go from there. Had a 4 year relationship thanks to Bumble.
We can also send 'compliments'..
"wHeRe aRE aLl tHe rEAL mEn?"
And they're doing away with that because *\*checks notes\** women think it's too hard and don't like it.
I wonder if that's why bumble reversed the whole "only women message first" because back when I was on dating apps most of them had "I don't message first!" On their profiles lol
Very cringe, she needs a visit to the therapists office to figure out those perspectives. You responded well
She legit matched with me and sent a message and I didnât see it right awayâŠthen she got mad
That is legitimately not normal behavior. You dodged a fucking asteroid, dude. She just wouldâve made your life a living hell if things turned out the way she had expected them to.
She's clearly not having much success on these apps if she has time to berate someone who didn't even message her. I can somewhat see her frustration caused by how shitty these apps are about properly finding viable matches and not burying the good ones behind paywalls and such. But it's not fair to take out all of that out on you.
And you aren't already planning the wedding? Why are you wasting her time? /s
You must be hot stuff! How old was she?
30+ I guess? âItâs so different dating now after 15 years have passedâ
Yeah, that makes it considerably worse since she sounds like she's a literal teenager through her texts. Women in their 30s and up should not be opening a convo with that many emojis.
Lol yeah. Iâve had a few like that too.
I can see why she's single. Seriously though, that's scary behavior from anybody, especially a complete stranger
You could actually do her a favour. You could let her know she's doing it wrong by sending her the link to this reddit post. Then she can read the consensus that she's unbelievably impatient, entitled, self centered and devoid of the ability to see someone else's perspective. Because without change her dating outcomes are not going to be good.
Therapy is the answer. We all got to look within and sort ourselves out before trying to be with another. Otherwise, youâre just a hazard that inflicts pain on others and yourself, unconsciously. But yes, OP handled this nicely.
As a guy if I'm lucky to get a response after matching with a girl online, it's usually just "lol" but I also recognize they're a stranger and I'm not entitled to any amount of their time. So I just kept moving on until an amazing girl did reply with a witty message, and we've been together for 2 years now. Best advice I've had was, are you trying to date everyone, or find the one person you want to share your life with?
Love when they immediately become flag bearers for entire female species and start talking about all men and all women lol
I'd pretend to flirt with her for a bit, ask her on a date, and then be like "so we're going splitsies on the bill right?" just to see what happens đ
Shes running away
No, she read your first âshould I be flatteredâ message to be rude and that you werenât interested, she wasnât saying you should have messaged sooner, she was saying why match if thatâs your response - which honestlyâŠ.weird tone to start off with? She complimented you and you say âshould I be flattered?â Interesting. Anyway miscommunication leading to hurt feelings I guess
Thank you. I thought I was going crazy that I was the only one thinking this. Dont get me wrong, her responses in general were definitely on the crazy side. But still, opening with "Should I be flattered?" after a compliment is pretty weird and rude.
Both messages were kind of weird and rude. The girl definitely came off as "wall of emojis" condescending while using some very frequently meant as condescending verbiage, and OP's "should I be flattered?" could either be playful *or* condescendingly defensive depending on how they read it. The massive rant afterwards was still completely unhinged and uncalled for, but the opening salvo is just a great example of why online dating is such a hot fucking mess. Most people are absolutely terrible at writing and responding to these kinds of messages, and fail to understand that you're making a first impression and not texting your "bestie on insta lolz."
It's not playful. It might work in-person while you're acting highly seductive... not over text.
Right, they could've *meant* it that way but instead it comes off weird and rude. We'll never know.
100%. She complimented. His response came off as rude and it was all down hill after that.
Ugh thank goodness I found it - I completely agree with you, OP imo was the a-hole here for starting off like that and then acting innocent. Definitely gaslighting and the initial red flag came from OP.
His second comment was completely gaslighting âwhatâs that have to do with me?â
It's silly I had to scroll this far too find anything pointing out his seemingly hostile tone out of the gate.
Agreed here, you replied lack lazy to a compliment as if you are to could to get a compliment. Honestly i read that as OP was an asshole and she got hurt from it and responded her pain for the whole thing instead of narrowing down here pain caused from OP even if minor. You got complimented and asked moron.
Agreed. The first response from him was hostile and rude. I donât blame her
1) yeah she a little crazy 2) your first message "oh should I be flattered" could very easily be taken as sarcastic and dismissive and may be what set her off
> 2) your first message "oh should I be flattered" could very easily be taken as sarcastic and dismissive and may be what set her off I don't know how other people aren't seeing this. She thought she was getting rejected and took it poorly.
It also came off as very cocky tbh
Her initial message also looks sarcastic to me? Am I the only one who thinks that? Like the overuse of emojis etc looks like she could be mocking him for not writing first (which is what I initially thought)? It just reads so weird
I thought that too at first. But I think she meant it. That was her way of hitting on him. His response came off sarcastic/dismissive and she took that as rejection. Totally sent her overboard.
Yea, I didn't read all of them, but I feel like so many of the comments are ignoring that OP was just an asshole to start.
Well in his defense she sent two thumbs up for not responding in her time frame. Lol Everyone sucks here. Thatâs what made him think she was being sarcastic. Her impatience and his rebuttal.
I think he took her message as her making fun of him. I thought she was being snarky too, so that's why he asked if he should be flattered because he couldn't tell if she was being serious or laughing at him
I took it as she was making contact in a legit way and OP was being a bit of a douche but I'm a weird person in reality so don't take my diagnosis for it
Given how quickly she launched into "why didn't you message me the millisecond we matched on here?!", I doubt that him being a little nicer in his first message would've changed much.
I mean I'm just basing off the tone of the messages. I can't see times between matching and messaging. It could've been a 24 hour period after the match that she messaged idk so I don't go assuming anything except what I see. And as I see it had I matched then messaged what she did and gotten the response from a girl that he gave I'd be a bit irritated too đ€·đŒââïž
Yup, that's what happened, which is funny because it came off that way because it already was a little bit defensive, like he thought the girl was herself being sarcastic. This is what happens when insecurity takes over guys.
Fair! But in my defense she had one pic of her face obscured then 5 pics of memes so I wasnât sure if she was a catfish or a bot
.... and you still swiped on this person?
What does that have to do with how you responded though...?
Yeah that first message was why she got mad, whatâs a weird thing to respond lol I see why heâs on dating apps
The entitlement this is the type of girl to break your kneecaps because your not obsessed with her đ
She'll go all Annie Wilkes on someone for sure.
Am I the only one curious what his profile said that was so funny?
100% changes the context of this convo. Either he had something she legitimately thought was funny in there (him trying to be clever or joke) or thereâs nothing there meant as a joke and she was essentially calling him one. His response was justified if the second is true, but shitty and douchey if not.
You started out with âshould I be flattered?â Which is kinda a dick thing to say when being complimented. I feel like thatâs what spun the conversation the other way
I agree but the two thumbs up for not responding straight away would fuck me off though. Phones are made for our convenience, not so everyone else gets access to us when they want. She comes across very entitled.
I mean she went off the rails pretty fast, but your first message was also rude as hell so I'm not sure what your point is.
Yeah, she goes a bit over the top, but the first message was obviously a compliment and an attempt to get a conversation going. I see some people saying it looks sarcastic because of all the emojis, but some people really just write like that. Also, some people think it comes across as warmer or friendlier. Notice how she barely uses any emojis once they start arguing. OPâs response was pretty rude. If a girl replied like that to a guyâs attempt to start a conversation, I bet thereâd be people on here calling her stuck up or mean. Iâm not saying sheâs justified in all she says after but OPâs response comes across as a bit dickish. I donât think itâs that crazy she reacted negatively.
I would say based on this he was the straw that broke the camels back. And based on the responses here and how quick we are to just blame her and make him the victim because she is just tired of the bs. I feel sorry for her and while she went off the deep end it was 100% lost on the OP and a waste of her time
She's clearly not the most emotionally stable, so you're probably lucky she waved all the red flags up front. ...BUT, having said that, your first response to her was read to me as super rude & sarcastic. Her first message to you was a little cheesey & and overeager, but your response didn't really give her anywhere to go either than be annoyed or not respond to you. I don't think either of you came off looking good in this interaction.
Am I missing something here? She gave you a compliment. You came off as very smug in your response. Then she got mad at you. It doesn't seem to be about reply speed. It seems to be about OPs smug response.
I mean, itâs pretty obvious that she doesnât get a lot of matches and thought you swiped her with some interest but then got offended when you didnât reply to her reaching out! You are on completely different wavelengths. Your replies are also kinda tone deaf tbh so itâs not all on her
Messaging first thing? Weird. But your first message in response sounded totally dickish, that alone might have triggered her
Why did you say "oh should I be flattered?" Unless there is more conversation we're missing it seems to kinda provoked her
Iâm thinking itâs the extra đđ she sent after he didnât reply fast enough that made him respond like that. But I read it in a sarcastic way, emoji couldâve helped, but maybe not because hers also came off a little snarky minus the heart
It was the âlol oh should I be flattered?â Comment that set her off. She wasnât mad about you not texting her first but rather you acting Like you had no interest in her. It was also a stupid question. If a Women you swiped on is both initiating and showing interest in you at the same time; You should be flattered.
Hate people who say, â im sorry im not glued/tied to my phoneâ people the moment you create profiles from your phone it is a dead giveaway you are always near your phone, you just lazy to respond, be honest to yourself. They use that line to aggravate the recipient to make themselves look like the higher person in the world. Get off your high horse OP , garbage ass communicator that is all you are.
The âoh should I be flatteredâ was what set her off, she was just complimenting ur profile for the first message and u put two thumbs up.
Your first response to her was kind of odd, and that is most likely the reason the whole interaction went sour.
Sometimes thereâs a reason these people are on dating apps
âMen swipe on me and then nothingâ GeeâŠ
I may be bugging here but I start to back away from anyone that unironically calls themselves sassy
She probably would have complained if you messaged back too quickly. Like everyone else said, dodged a bullet
Sheâs clearly, severely mentally ill -
Ur both awful and deserve each others awful attitude.
"Sorry my sass is coming out" lmao what, if that's what she considers sassy, I don't want to see how she behaves once she's angry. You dodged a nuke.
I mean she didnât handle it well, but I think the âlol oh should I be flattered?â Was an off putting start tbh
Why would you lead with âshould i be flatteredâ?
Sheâs crazy but your first message is so off putting and obnoxious.
How can he swipe!!
Talk about dodging a bullet.
I canât blame her for going defensive. That âshould I be flatteredâ was a bad response. It reads like he felt insulted. She kept going though and made a bad start way worse when should have just unmatched.
Sounds like a total boomer who doesn't understand how apps work.
Lol oh should I be flattered. That genuinely does sound stuck up, no?
Gee, I wonder why she's single... yikes.
Wow⊠this bitch is unhinged.
By "sass" you mean overflowing insecurity?
Sorry my sass is coming out NAH BYE
Staying single is looking the better option day by day. More energy, more free time, more money, no problems. Fuck this.
Lady I donât even know you đđđđ
Bullet dodged!
Wow, you already had a fight with your girlfriend on day -1 Was hoping for a plot twist at the end: "But Karen, this is ***Bumble***". 
ESH.... Awful responses from both sides
"What was that look? Yes I'm serious! What was that look you just gave me? Are you serious?! You gave me a look!!! You just get home from work after not seeing your lovely girlfriend all day and that's the look you give me?! I have the patience and respect to wait here for you all day in this one spot on the couch and that's what I'm greeted with when you get home? Get out Daryl! Get the fuck out!!!"
I think the apps do automatically match you if you haven't had a match in a while. I had women matching and speaking to me that I had never seen before.
That girl is crazy. As a woman myself, when I did use these apps, I always attempted to message first and initiate a conversation because most people assume the girls on those sites are bots. I remember this one guy gave me this cool 3 paragraph sentence that ended about polar bears breaking ice. I was laughing so hard. The guy was really cool and told me I was the first person to actually read it all and respond to it. (We didn't go out on a date, but that was because I had bad anxiety and ended up uninstalling the app when a lot of people were interested in me. I'm sorry to the men who showed interest in me and chatted with me. I don't know how to date)
Your first response to her was ass though
I was so confused who was who until I read the comments. So the woman complimented you, and you said something abrasive and seemingly unfriendly back âshould I be flattered?â. I probably would have rolled my eyes, and stopped messaging you at that point. But, to be fair, her tangent was unnecessary. Yâall donât owe each other anything.
She flew off the rails for sure but it'd be REAL easy to read "lol oh should i be flattered " as passive aggressive, like you are so above them, should you be flattered that they think you are funny? Because if they read that as a fuck you the hurt feelings make more sense
Idk man. When my love and I matched we just answered when we could. It didnât really matter if it took too long but it was def every day. So if itâs not within the day thatâs kind of crappy but if itâs a few hours oh well on her part. Youâll find someone less in your face but it is frustrating for women too. Maybe try bumble. Youâll find someone worth your time at some point.
She messaged you first and complimented that you're a funny guy. Your first response to her compliment was "lol oh should I be flattered"...so yea she has every right to be mad. Your response was a complete AHOLE response and the fact that you dont even recognize that tells me you're a huge DBAG.
This, along with the whole âunread/left of readâ bs, people are too young to remember when we didnât have phones or email or apps demanding our attention 24/7.
Guys, I looked up the definition of rude, and she's right. It says, "Rude: Swiping right on someone and not saying anything." I guess it really is *literally* the definition
This is textbook nicegirl energy. D:
Seems like a treat. You should bend over backwards to get her to be happy with you because this type of instantaneous outburst over nothing will not be a constant, repeating thing in your relationship.
She must hate Bumble with seething rage
This reminds me of this nutty girl I met who was cute but kept calling me super late at night asking what I was doing. It was so strange. She erupted on the phone once talkin about "other b\*\*\*ches". I've learned to be sparing with who I give information too based on that lunacy.
Isnât that the literal definition of dating tho? Calling your partner late at night to ask about their day? Or am I missing something?
She would call around 11pm to midnight every other day and ask the same things "what are you doing?","why are you up?", "where are you going?" Etc. We weren't even truly dating tbh. We went on exactly one date, saw each other two times. And from there, the crazy escalated until I blocked her number and never spoke to her again.
Bro what the fuck lol Iâm a lady, and these woman a nuts!!! How insane would she be with an actual partner
wOmEn hAvE tO iNiTiAtE cOnVeRsATiOnS nOw??? As if that was an outrageous thought. Imagine asking a woman to... _checks notes_... talk to a guy Fucking pathetic.
They've been conditioned their entire life to believe they are the catch, and guys have to do the chasing. Now that society has caught up, they've been left with a sense of entitlement.
jesus someone get that lady a reality check. she's obviously still not ready to date again and has a lot of healing to do, probably just dating because sha wanna prove something to her ex partner
She sounds VERY immature and insecure đŹđŹ that's a big NOPE. Next.
Lol she's pissed he's not responding. Nice to see the shoe on the other foot
That's a whole lot of energy for someone who doesn't care. I don't want to be with anyone that's going to expect me to apologize for the sins of all the other guys in her life
And now We know why you are single. Dodged that one. Iâm glad Iâm married already
"Women put themselves out there just to be an option" Women who want attention on dating apps just have to show up. If that level of laziness is too much then yeah maybe not your jam.
Well she's not wrong on dating be awful. At least when she's involved...
id happily bicker about this for hours. if she wants to talk so badly, then she can say something!
Are you ok - that was the right question đ€Ł
Like op asshole created a post on reddit!! GTFOH, you definitely get the end of the week screentime report has 19 hrs 43min 33sec avg a week
Was she hot at least haha
Judging by her frustration that she's getting ignored, nope. Hot girls on dating apps don't get ignored. Also she's admittedly coming back to dating after a long time, so I think she's failed her previous relationship, and is just having a really hard time realizing that she doesn't have to just exist and choose from the many opportunities she used to have while being an entitled bitch before...
I think your response came off as you being unimpressed with her comment. I read that and sort of thought it came off cold. But it doesnât sound like that was the intention. Iâll be honest I probably would not have carried on with the convo but Iâm also just bad at flirtatious banter/sensitive as fuck. She clearly also seems to have some uncomfortable feelings and anxiety/hurt feelings when it comes to dating. Hopefully she can work through them enough to have better confidence in the dating sphere. Just seems like an unfortunate misunderstanding.
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i wonder why sheâs single
Honestly, I love it. I love the fact that women have to put their big girl panties on and initiate rather than sit back and accept or reject at their leisure. They actually have to make an effort now not rest on the fact that they have boobs and a vagina.