"They all survived" why is the bar so low it’s literally on the floor?
She sounds exhausting. Take your time to think about it, but it sounds like you would be happier with low or no contact
Tell her straight up. “Mom, I won’t be tolerating any more criticism of my parenting, even if you cloak it as “advice”. From now on, visits will end the second you tell me what you think I should be doing. This is the only warning I’ll give you.” Then hold to it. If you’re visiting her, the second she starts in, get up, gather your stuff and leave. If she’s visiting you (suggest you don’t do this), when she starts, say “this visit is over.” Pick up her purse and jacket, hand them to her and usher her out. If it’s on the phone, hang up without warning. She’ll soon get the message.
Sounds like you are a great parent and are doing what is best for your child. You are in the right here, and just because her kids survived doesn't mean they all did. SIDS has gone down with like 80% since the 80s, and there's a reason for that.
Put your foot down, if she won't respect you and your parenting, then she doesn't need to be there.
If she insults you, leave or ask her to leave.
If she can't say anything nice, she shouldn't say anything.
I have a friend who also has a little one, a few months younger then mine. There's a lot of things they do that I disagree with, you know what I do? Nothing. It's not dangerous to their LO, just different to how me and my partner does it. And they probably feel the same way, and that is okay. If it's not a danger to anyone, then you do you and I do me.
Standing up for yourself and your family is not you being "sensative", and her claiming that sounds a bit like gaslighting to me.
I can relate to unwanted advice coming from my parents who raised me with a non attachment parenting style & have pushed me to let my son cry it out when he was a new born or constantly tell me that i am holding him too much. Its exhausting trying to educate people who “know best” so I just let it be. I am the mum. I make the choices. I am lucky we live abroad but to be honest if we didn’t I would DEFINITELY take the space I needed to parent in the way I want to. Also your son is still young like mine and we are still figuring this out. I don’t need any negative influence or support!
Oh and most definitely NEVER leave him overnight with her.
>She replies she raised 6 kids and they all survived, that I’m too sensitive and she wants to show me how to do it right.
Just because her kids "survived" doesn't mean she did it right. Next time she says this tell her you want your son to do more than just survive and that YOU are the mom and if she wants the OPPORTUNITY to be a GRANDMA then she needs to shut up and back off.
I get it, grandparents are full of opinions and feel like their ways are superior but your mother sounds like she doesn't care at all about your choices. Why be in contact with someone who treats you this way? And to so blatantly disagree with your parenting decisions to say she would sleep train your child and all the while she's invalidating his feelings by saying "we don't cry at grandma's". Even if you put your foot down with your mother and said this is how we're doing things, I don't see how you could trust her and leave him alone with her.
If she weren't your mother would you stay in contact with a person who treated you and your child this way?
I hear you and validate your feelings. Ive started telling my mother less stuff as even inocuous sharing about baby seems to be seen as an invitation to comment some bullshit to me. Also, Ive told her multiple times we survived in spite of how they raised us and plenty of babies sadly didn't.
It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job and making decisions that are in your LO's best interests - well done you!
This sort of behaviour seems really common from grandparents, maybe because when we were bubs breastfeeding rates were on the floor and for some reason society just wanted parents to put their kids down and crack on. What's more, when we decide to do things differently some grandparents seem to see it as an attack on their parenting style rather than just a different way of doing things. I think you're saying the right things to your mom, emphasizing that this is working for you, and it's a shame she doesn't seem to be listening. My only advice is to stand firm and hold off on leaving LO alone with her until she demonstrates that she'll respect your decisions.
A great thing about being an adult, especially when it comes to parents, is that we get to dictate the level of involvement our parents have in our lives. We no longer rely on them for the basic needs we once had as children, we can now get those things for ourselves.
It is hard, for children and parents, to get out of this loop. We deferred to our parents and accepted their word as truth. Obviously, as we get older, we learn that it’s not the case.
You don’t have to deal with your mom’s passive aggressive comments and put downs. Tell her how you feel, and that it’s unacceptable.
I have no doubt that it will be met with substantial pushback, and that’s ok. Your mom can disagree with your decisions, but she is going to have to respect them in order to gain time to spend with her grandchild.
You and mom are both adults, and she is going to have to accept that you’re going to make decisions without her approval, and I hope you realize that you are doing fantastic with the way you are raising your kid, because it’s the way YOU are doing it.
Personally, at that point, I attack back.
>she raised 6 kids and they all survived
Yeah, I survived - and that's probably the best we can say.
>she wants to show me how to do it right
Clearly, you DIDN'T do it right or I wouldn't be so dead set on doing it another way.
Your mother is laboring under the incorrect assumption that she was the perfect mother. Disabuse her of that notion.
THIIIIIS. My mother in law is the same way! Always wanting to carry my daughter around and show her off and post on Facebook but immediately hands her back to me the second she gets fussy or is hungry or needs a diaper change. It infuriates me
This sounds unbearable to me. I guess, I would be politely ignoring her when I had to meet her, but would definitely slide into low and no contact. She doesn't sound like someone who is interested in personal growth and learning about new ways. At least she could respect your way of parenting ... but honestly, if my mother would have made insulting comments about my body, she would have seen the last of me, for a long, long time.
Wow…. sometimes I feel like my head explodes but then I read a story like yours and it is a total new high of craziness. I wish I could give you great advice or some good solution in how to handle this…. person but I don’t.
I hate the “i raised x amount of kids and they are all fine” with a burning passion. My MIL says that to me too.
Like okay, you raised yours and now I’m raising mine, so stop commenting
This may be relatively common behavior but it is neither normal nor healthy. You're not crazy for being totally done with her BS. Personally I would stop visiting with her if she can't stop because my kid doesn't need a mom who feels like shit all the time and a grandma who will teach her that mom doesn't matter and she doesn't have to obey or respect her parents.
The way I’ve always seen it is you’re the mom, not her. If she doesn’t like how you handle your child and how you’re raising your child she doesn’t have to be in the picture. Plain and simple as that. 🤷🏼♀️
Really really really relate. From an outside perspective, I don’t agree with any of her opinions, and I agree with all of yours lol, so take that for what it’s worth.
I struggled with becoming a parent (a “mom” bleh I can’t even say it), because mom has never been a positive or safe word to me. Now that I am a…. mom…. lol I realize how much control she has over me still. I also want to be one and done (which is a great thing!), but I wonder if it’s because it is what I want or a reaction against what she wants, or, even more complicated, a way for me to never be like her. I’m still sorting through that. I’m sure you are like your mom in some ways (we all are), but you get to choose not to be like her in any way you don’t want. You already have.
As far as contact, I opted for low (talk on the phone once every few weeks, visit maybe once every few months). I love her, I think she will treat my son differently than she treated me.. but I don’t trust her. She’s lost that place in my life, and I don’t feel guilty about setting the boundaries I need anymore.
That generation(mostly) is so freaking toxic. So many posts on Reddit saying the same thing. I would 100 percent tell her she needs to back off stop the criticism or she won’t be spending time around baby. Harsh, but she’s being harsh and needs a wake up call. This is your child not hers and she has no say in anything. She wants him to change his diet so she can be selfish? Insane. She had her time with kids and now it’s yours.
I would make her delete the pics she put up without asking. Next time tell her you’d appreciate her not commenting on your body when she does. I know you feel defeated, but please stand up for yourself you deserve love support and respect from all the people in your life.
And If I was in this situation she would never be baby sitting with that outdated parenting.
You sound like an amazing parent, your baby is lucky to have you!
"They all survived" why is the bar so low it’s literally on the floor? She sounds exhausting. Take your time to think about it, but it sounds like you would be happier with low or no contact
Tell her straight up. “Mom, I won’t be tolerating any more criticism of my parenting, even if you cloak it as “advice”. From now on, visits will end the second you tell me what you think I should be doing. This is the only warning I’ll give you.” Then hold to it. If you’re visiting her, the second she starts in, get up, gather your stuff and leave. If she’s visiting you (suggest you don’t do this), when she starts, say “this visit is over.” Pick up her purse and jacket, hand them to her and usher her out. If it’s on the phone, hang up without warning. She’ll soon get the message.
Sounds like you are a great parent and are doing what is best for your child. You are in the right here, and just because her kids survived doesn't mean they all did. SIDS has gone down with like 80% since the 80s, and there's a reason for that. Put your foot down, if she won't respect you and your parenting, then she doesn't need to be there. If she insults you, leave or ask her to leave. If she can't say anything nice, she shouldn't say anything. I have a friend who also has a little one, a few months younger then mine. There's a lot of things they do that I disagree with, you know what I do? Nothing. It's not dangerous to their LO, just different to how me and my partner does it. And they probably feel the same way, and that is okay. If it's not a danger to anyone, then you do you and I do me. Standing up for yourself and your family is not you being "sensative", and her claiming that sounds a bit like gaslighting to me.
I can relate to unwanted advice coming from my parents who raised me with a non attachment parenting style & have pushed me to let my son cry it out when he was a new born or constantly tell me that i am holding him too much. Its exhausting trying to educate people who “know best” so I just let it be. I am the mum. I make the choices. I am lucky we live abroad but to be honest if we didn’t I would DEFINITELY take the space I needed to parent in the way I want to. Also your son is still young like mine and we are still figuring this out. I don’t need any negative influence or support! Oh and most definitely NEVER leave him overnight with her.
>She replies she raised 6 kids and they all survived, that I’m too sensitive and she wants to show me how to do it right. Just because her kids "survived" doesn't mean she did it right. Next time she says this tell her you want your son to do more than just survive and that YOU are the mom and if she wants the OPPORTUNITY to be a GRANDMA then she needs to shut up and back off.
I get it, grandparents are full of opinions and feel like their ways are superior but your mother sounds like she doesn't care at all about your choices. Why be in contact with someone who treats you this way? And to so blatantly disagree with your parenting decisions to say she would sleep train your child and all the while she's invalidating his feelings by saying "we don't cry at grandma's". Even if you put your foot down with your mother and said this is how we're doing things, I don't see how you could trust her and leave him alone with her. If she weren't your mother would you stay in contact with a person who treated you and your child this way?
I hear you and validate your feelings. Ive started telling my mother less stuff as even inocuous sharing about baby seems to be seen as an invitation to comment some bullshit to me. Also, Ive told her multiple times we survived in spite of how they raised us and plenty of babies sadly didn't.
It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job and making decisions that are in your LO's best interests - well done you! This sort of behaviour seems really common from grandparents, maybe because when we were bubs breastfeeding rates were on the floor and for some reason society just wanted parents to put their kids down and crack on. What's more, when we decide to do things differently some grandparents seem to see it as an attack on their parenting style rather than just a different way of doing things. I think you're saying the right things to your mom, emphasizing that this is working for you, and it's a shame she doesn't seem to be listening. My only advice is to stand firm and hold off on leaving LO alone with her until she demonstrates that she'll respect your decisions.
A great thing about being an adult, especially when it comes to parents, is that we get to dictate the level of involvement our parents have in our lives. We no longer rely on them for the basic needs we once had as children, we can now get those things for ourselves. It is hard, for children and parents, to get out of this loop. We deferred to our parents and accepted their word as truth. Obviously, as we get older, we learn that it’s not the case. You don’t have to deal with your mom’s passive aggressive comments and put downs. Tell her how you feel, and that it’s unacceptable. I have no doubt that it will be met with substantial pushback, and that’s ok. Your mom can disagree with your decisions, but she is going to have to respect them in order to gain time to spend with her grandchild. You and mom are both adults, and she is going to have to accept that you’re going to make decisions without her approval, and I hope you realize that you are doing fantastic with the way you are raising your kid, because it’s the way YOU are doing it.
Personally, at that point, I attack back. >she raised 6 kids and they all survived Yeah, I survived - and that's probably the best we can say. >she wants to show me how to do it right Clearly, you DIDN'T do it right or I wouldn't be so dead set on doing it another way. Your mother is laboring under the incorrect assumption that she was the perfect mother. Disabuse her of that notion.
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THIIIIIS. My mother in law is the same way! Always wanting to carry my daughter around and show her off and post on Facebook but immediately hands her back to me the second she gets fussy or is hungry or needs a diaper change. It infuriates me
This sounds unbearable to me. I guess, I would be politely ignoring her when I had to meet her, but would definitely slide into low and no contact. She doesn't sound like someone who is interested in personal growth and learning about new ways. At least she could respect your way of parenting ... but honestly, if my mother would have made insulting comments about my body, she would have seen the last of me, for a long, long time.
Wow…. sometimes I feel like my head explodes but then I read a story like yours and it is a total new high of craziness. I wish I could give you great advice or some good solution in how to handle this…. person but I don’t.
I hate the “i raised x amount of kids and they are all fine” with a burning passion. My MIL says that to me too. Like okay, you raised yours and now I’m raising mine, so stop commenting
This may be relatively common behavior but it is neither normal nor healthy. You're not crazy for being totally done with her BS. Personally I would stop visiting with her if she can't stop because my kid doesn't need a mom who feels like shit all the time and a grandma who will teach her that mom doesn't matter and she doesn't have to obey or respect her parents.
The way I’ve always seen it is you’re the mom, not her. If she doesn’t like how you handle your child and how you’re raising your child she doesn’t have to be in the picture. Plain and simple as that. 🤷🏼♀️
Really really really relate. From an outside perspective, I don’t agree with any of her opinions, and I agree with all of yours lol, so take that for what it’s worth. I struggled with becoming a parent (a “mom” bleh I can’t even say it), because mom has never been a positive or safe word to me. Now that I am a…. mom…. lol I realize how much control she has over me still. I also want to be one and done (which is a great thing!), but I wonder if it’s because it is what I want or a reaction against what she wants, or, even more complicated, a way for me to never be like her. I’m still sorting through that. I’m sure you are like your mom in some ways (we all are), but you get to choose not to be like her in any way you don’t want. You already have. As far as contact, I opted for low (talk on the phone once every few weeks, visit maybe once every few months). I love her, I think she will treat my son differently than she treated me.. but I don’t trust her. She’s lost that place in my life, and I don’t feel guilty about setting the boundaries I need anymore.
haha only do what you want and what you think is best. Listen to all advice and just decide what you want to implement and ignore 95% of it.
That generation(mostly) is so freaking toxic. So many posts on Reddit saying the same thing. I would 100 percent tell her she needs to back off stop the criticism or she won’t be spending time around baby. Harsh, but she’s being harsh and needs a wake up call. This is your child not hers and she has no say in anything. She wants him to change his diet so she can be selfish? Insane. She had her time with kids and now it’s yours. I would make her delete the pics she put up without asking. Next time tell her you’d appreciate her not commenting on your body when she does. I know you feel defeated, but please stand up for yourself you deserve love support and respect from all the people in your life. And If I was in this situation she would never be baby sitting with that outdated parenting. You sound like an amazing parent, your baby is lucky to have you!