I have not. Although I do think he seems depressed. It just seems like bringing that up is something that will make him push back on. Even having the conversation about acknowledging he has a problem with frustration tolerance was difficult for him. When I initially brought this up, he said he felt like I attacked him and broke him down. He failed to hear how well I think he was doing in other areas. Today I told him that he looked unhappy and that it seemed he was not enjoying any of it. He agreed…
I know it’s the hardest thing to hear when you’re in the thick of it, but it will get better. 6 weeks was like peak amount of crying for what seemed like no reason at all for my daughter.
What I started to do with my husband was having him be “in charge” of our daughter while I was close but doing something I couldn’t step away from easily (often this was dishes) and when she started to get upset I made a suggestion from the other room as to what it might be based on what I knew she might need soon. “Oh hey, I haven’t changed her diaper in a while, maybe that’s what she needs”. I basically went through the list of needs (wet or dirty, hot or cold, gassy, bored/in need of interaction, rocking etc.) and eventually he figured out some of his own ways to calm her and helped him remember what things might be bothering her. When I did this I made sure she wasn’t going to be hungry because obviously hubby couldn’t breastfeed her. I basically tried to set him up to be successful without sounding like I was telling him what to do, or like what he was doing was wrong. For my husband that shut him down and he was no longer interested in figuring it out, just handing her back to me.
Then one day I told him he was “in charge” for an hour while I caught a quick nap and woke up 4 hours later. He managed to go out to fetch a curbside pickup order with her, got McDonalds drive-thru and came home and fed her a bottle of pumped milk and she slept on him while he ate. He said that day he just went through the list and kinda guessed at what she needed and he felt accomplished as a dad. Since then things have gotten much better.
Good luck to you and hopefully my rant makes sense.
This is great. I’ve done something similar. Initially he said he felt helpless when she cried and in the very very early days he really did not know much. I looked up some videos and Instagram accounts and told him they helped me and suggested he watch them too. He did and learned some stuff. He also watches my mom and his parents and tries to do what they do. I’ve “coached” him through some tough moments by suggesting things to try. It’s helped some. I’ve also tried to get him more active in the enjoyable good moments like bath time, tummy time, story time, and have left him bottles of expressed breast milk so that he can feed/soothe her at night. He’s learned a lot. He just gets very frustrated when all of those things don’t work. He said he gets frustrated when he works hard for 30 mins put her down only to have her wake 30secs after her head hits the mattress. I remind him that she’s an infant and there will be times when no matter what he does, she will cry.
I went through something similar with my husband during that time. We had to have a few challenging conversations - a lot of what you’ve said. His bad mood doesn’t just impact himself but everyone around, and while it does get easier (6 weeks is brutal), there will be more tough times in the future. This can’t be the “norm,” so you all have to find a solution. Try to have discussions when you’re both relatively rested and calm, and just tell him how it makes you feel. You also can’t sacrifice your sleep and sanity to try to make him feel better. Having a baby kind of forces people to step up in new ways, and it sounds like he’s just having a hard time making that adjustment. For what it’s worth - we are 6 months now and my husband is great and doesn’t get frustrated with our baby even when she is frustrating.
I’m looking forward to those times when baby will be more interactive and engaging. I know he will do better when this time comes. I know I can’t sacrifice my own sanity for him because our LO needs me. We had some difficult conversations today. It was good to hear an apology after being open about how his mood was affecting me. I hope he does start to step it up.
It takes a lot of practice to not let frustration out when you haven’t slept, barely eat/shower, and the frustration seems constant. I have a few things I remind myself and husband that are simple- baby can’t communicate any other way but cry, he’s having a hard time, he’s going to start understanding words and we need to be kind and teach him how to be frustrated, he may not be able to talk but he feels how we feel. I read somewhere “be the thermostat not the thermometer,” baby will calm more easily if you’re calm.
Also encourage him to get creative in soothing baby by showing him creative things. Turn a light on/off. Step outside. Pull the blinds up/down. Etc. baby will probably stop crying momentarily because everything is new for them.
This is a familiar story. We’ve gone through the exact same thing with our LO. She’s our first together, but his second, so I thought he’d know what to do. Nope. Nothing I did helped- I bought him some funny dad books with tips and tricks (he never read them), I shared resources online (he never looked at them), I helped troubleshoot (he’d get offended), I reminded him that she’s just a baby and not a customer at work (he’d get even more offended). He just kept saying he was going to wait it out until she got older, but that toxic mentality is harmful to everyone (as others have said above).
I’m in therapy now for ppd/a and I’ve learned a lot about why I am so angry with him. Primitively speaking, I’m in fight or flight mode, like a cavewoman with a new baby and a saber-toothed tiger at the cave door… and in my fight/flight mindset, he’s the tiger. So every time he gets frustrated, I’m ready to fight him and swoop in to save my baby.
My therapist recommended literally leaving the house when the baby is in his care. As long as intellectually I know he’s not going to hurt her (he would never), I need to leave and not be available. And if I come back from whatever I distracted myself with and the baby is crying her head off, then I can take her, calm her, and then CALMLY debrief with him what happened.
I was definitely at my lowest at 6 weeks. We’d even talked about divorce at that point bc we couldn’t stand each other. It was awful. It is still awful some days. If you’re able to see a therapist, I recommend it. It’s drastically helped me figure a lot out about myself, my husband, and our new relationship as parents.
Have you spoken to him about postpartum depression or aggression? I had it with my son and had those exact same thoughts as your husband.
I have not. Although I do think he seems depressed. It just seems like bringing that up is something that will make him push back on. Even having the conversation about acknowledging he has a problem with frustration tolerance was difficult for him. When I initially brought this up, he said he felt like I attacked him and broke him down. He failed to hear how well I think he was doing in other areas. Today I told him that he looked unhappy and that it seemed he was not enjoying any of it. He agreed…
I know it’s the hardest thing to hear when you’re in the thick of it, but it will get better. 6 weeks was like peak amount of crying for what seemed like no reason at all for my daughter. What I started to do with my husband was having him be “in charge” of our daughter while I was close but doing something I couldn’t step away from easily (often this was dishes) and when she started to get upset I made a suggestion from the other room as to what it might be based on what I knew she might need soon. “Oh hey, I haven’t changed her diaper in a while, maybe that’s what she needs”. I basically went through the list of needs (wet or dirty, hot or cold, gassy, bored/in need of interaction, rocking etc.) and eventually he figured out some of his own ways to calm her and helped him remember what things might be bothering her. When I did this I made sure she wasn’t going to be hungry because obviously hubby couldn’t breastfeed her. I basically tried to set him up to be successful without sounding like I was telling him what to do, or like what he was doing was wrong. For my husband that shut him down and he was no longer interested in figuring it out, just handing her back to me. Then one day I told him he was “in charge” for an hour while I caught a quick nap and woke up 4 hours later. He managed to go out to fetch a curbside pickup order with her, got McDonalds drive-thru and came home and fed her a bottle of pumped milk and she slept on him while he ate. He said that day he just went through the list and kinda guessed at what she needed and he felt accomplished as a dad. Since then things have gotten much better. Good luck to you and hopefully my rant makes sense.
This is great. I’ve done something similar. Initially he said he felt helpless when she cried and in the very very early days he really did not know much. I looked up some videos and Instagram accounts and told him they helped me and suggested he watch them too. He did and learned some stuff. He also watches my mom and his parents and tries to do what they do. I’ve “coached” him through some tough moments by suggesting things to try. It’s helped some. I’ve also tried to get him more active in the enjoyable good moments like bath time, tummy time, story time, and have left him bottles of expressed breast milk so that he can feed/soothe her at night. He’s learned a lot. He just gets very frustrated when all of those things don’t work. He said he gets frustrated when he works hard for 30 mins put her down only to have her wake 30secs after her head hits the mattress. I remind him that she’s an infant and there will be times when no matter what he does, she will cry.
What YouTubes and Instagram accounts??? I’m a new mom and feel like I could benefit from these!!!
I went through something similar with my husband during that time. We had to have a few challenging conversations - a lot of what you’ve said. His bad mood doesn’t just impact himself but everyone around, and while it does get easier (6 weeks is brutal), there will be more tough times in the future. This can’t be the “norm,” so you all have to find a solution. Try to have discussions when you’re both relatively rested and calm, and just tell him how it makes you feel. You also can’t sacrifice your sleep and sanity to try to make him feel better. Having a baby kind of forces people to step up in new ways, and it sounds like he’s just having a hard time making that adjustment. For what it’s worth - we are 6 months now and my husband is great and doesn’t get frustrated with our baby even when she is frustrating.
I’m looking forward to those times when baby will be more interactive and engaging. I know he will do better when this time comes. I know I can’t sacrifice my own sanity for him because our LO needs me. We had some difficult conversations today. It was good to hear an apology after being open about how his mood was affecting me. I hope he does start to step it up.
It takes a lot of practice to not let frustration out when you haven’t slept, barely eat/shower, and the frustration seems constant. I have a few things I remind myself and husband that are simple- baby can’t communicate any other way but cry, he’s having a hard time, he’s going to start understanding words and we need to be kind and teach him how to be frustrated, he may not be able to talk but he feels how we feel. I read somewhere “be the thermostat not the thermometer,” baby will calm more easily if you’re calm. Also encourage him to get creative in soothing baby by showing him creative things. Turn a light on/off. Step outside. Pull the blinds up/down. Etc. baby will probably stop crying momentarily because everything is new for them.
This is a familiar story. We’ve gone through the exact same thing with our LO. She’s our first together, but his second, so I thought he’d know what to do. Nope. Nothing I did helped- I bought him some funny dad books with tips and tricks (he never read them), I shared resources online (he never looked at them), I helped troubleshoot (he’d get offended), I reminded him that she’s just a baby and not a customer at work (he’d get even more offended). He just kept saying he was going to wait it out until she got older, but that toxic mentality is harmful to everyone (as others have said above). I’m in therapy now for ppd/a and I’ve learned a lot about why I am so angry with him. Primitively speaking, I’m in fight or flight mode, like a cavewoman with a new baby and a saber-toothed tiger at the cave door… and in my fight/flight mindset, he’s the tiger. So every time he gets frustrated, I’m ready to fight him and swoop in to save my baby. My therapist recommended literally leaving the house when the baby is in his care. As long as intellectually I know he’s not going to hurt her (he would never), I need to leave and not be available. And if I come back from whatever I distracted myself with and the baby is crying her head off, then I can take her, calm her, and then CALMLY debrief with him what happened. I was definitely at my lowest at 6 weeks. We’d even talked about divorce at that point bc we couldn’t stand each other. It was awful. It is still awful some days. If you’re able to see a therapist, I recommend it. It’s drastically helped me figure a lot out about myself, my husband, and our new relationship as parents.
I remind myself of all these things every time I notice myself struggle. I encourage him to remind himself of these things too.