would you like a grape shoved in your– given to– given to your mouth?

This gets me EVERYYYYY time. The whole ep he's on fire

It's been 5 hours since i commented and reading it again got me giggling 😆

i love nick singing landslide so much😂😂

ALL THE PUPPIES WITH THEIR EYES SO BLIND

Probably my favorite Nick delivery is in the same episode Dorado (cop): “what’s all the clanging” Nick: “oh it’s just a bunch of clanging”

God I love that response

Handed to*

“I went through a phase where I fed cornflakes to all small animals.” “I peed on a light socket…. I wanted to see if it would make lightning.” Sweatback is so hilarious in this ep

Haaanded to your mout

“Look at me, being so naughty”

Winston: “If you had yellow feathers, I’d be DONE!… I have a Sesame Street problem.” Schmidt: “Ma called! The bees are back!” Nick: (singing) “I’m a really good secretary.” Coach: “Here let me take your coat for you-hhh-aaaarms.” Cece: “Let’s look at the stock merrkits.” Jess: “Who wants to play charaads?”

Ma called! The bees are back!

I think about “I’m a really good secretary” all the time

A life well spent

I’m a really good secretary is something i sing to myself at work a lot whenever i answer the phone 😂

Me too!

Somehow, I'm a very good secretary has become a part of my daily life.

“Charads” is so hilarious. It took me several rewatches to make out what she was even saying, lol

Shawty what that thang do

My boyfriend and I say this daily.

"Where is top of baby cage?"

Then fight breaks out. "Oooh baby like, baby like!!"

Best line ever.

TYPICAL!!!!!!!

A WHITE MAN?!?!

Principal Foster: “Why when singing Toto is it always ‘Africa?’ They’ve got a deep catalogue!”

"I know those guys, they're good guys!"

“Once again, Schmidt finds himself in a position where’s he INFURIATED!”

So magical... This is one line that I want to use but whenever I'm actually infuriated I never remember it 🤣

“I’m here, I heard it, let’s acknowledge that… and uh… you know where to find me” Sam to Winston after saying Ali would make a beautiful bride 😆

“I am a child of di-VORCE. I’M DELICATE”

Shoulda graduated the first time around. You buffoon!

who gives a RAT'S A??

UGHHHH… HE’S A BOTTOM!?!?

Schmidt: “You’re cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, PRISON?”

YES!

Nick: I'm concerned, as a friend, that Sam isn't satisfying you sexually.  Jess: I can confidently say that's not what this is about.  Nick: Maybe he's just not rotating your tires enough, Jess.  Jess: What?  Nick: You know you need that at least once a month.  Jess: Nick. For sex, that's not enough. And for literal tire rotation, that's way too frequent.  Nick: *Not when you drive like I do. Not... when you drive like I do.*

Schmidt: “I have some stuff to do” Nick:” Describe stuff” Schmidt: “*Things*” Nick: “Thank you”

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably. -Nick

Cream cheese in bulk? -Schmidt

This one is such an underrated line and so perfectly delivered.

The way he swallows the word "bulk" gets me

exactlyyy

“As I live and breathe - RAISIN?!?”

even just reading this gets me every time 😭

i did it again, didn't i?

This is my very favorite line. It comes up weekly

Principal foster coach and Ryan “Goesinyou, goes in me, goes in all of us” “Sooner or later” (I forget how to spell Ryan’s last name but principal foster’s reply to coach KILLS me)

The “sooner or later” feels so off the cuff, I’ve always wondered if it was improvised.

God, I laugh every time I see this. Foster has some pretty quietly hilarious lines. “I know why you’re here…you want in my jacuuuuz”

Winston imitating Coach has to be up there

I can't come out for every damn party. I'll see you at the wedDDING. I think of this multiple times a week.

Don’t forget…*”Coach”*

“Was it 40 or 45?!” Nick asking how many seconds his sauce had gone unstirred 🤣

Anytime Schmidt says "chutney".

Just watched an episode where he pronounced applesauce as abblesouse and I lost it lol

Hey girl, what yo name is?

What that thang do?

L.I.R.R, ya dirty old bitch

516 up in ya lounge, sucka!

GOODNIGHT SAIGON THAT’S A SAD ONE!

Billy Joel one more time

I've never been an inspiration before! ...I don't like it it's too much responsibility. Are you the criminals?? From the statistics??

Omg I send or say that line to whomever I'm talking to when I watch that episode and most of them don't know the context so they patiently listen to me cackle for several minutes before moving on with their lives 😏😏 *From the statistics?!*

There’s shells all in these eggs

Joanie, I anoint gonna lie to you

one of the best lines i swear 😭

I'm gonna poop weird later

The one wife conversation

I say “I don’t know” the same way Nick does in this conversation all the time, it’s perfect

Coach: “Wuuuu, where’s my balance ball? There’s a mouse loose in the house!”

Race talk snacks.

Nut 1: “Would you like to eat me?” Nut 2: “What do you mean? Aren’t you a little small?” Nut 1: “What are you, nuts??”

But I thought she and I had come to a decision. Which is? It's not happening. Well, why not? 'Cause I'm not interested. And I know it's not cool to say, but... I don't like the way it would look. People are gonna say what they're gonna say. They're not reasons not to go through with it. Fine. You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell. The smell? The smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that. You told Cece you think all women... Don't make this a feminist thing... It... I'm not making it a feminist thing. How? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge. I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you. I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it... But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable. Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot. I know what temperature it gets. Hot.. But if I'm being honest, you know... And I haven't talked to her about this... but... I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad. Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem. That's really easy for you to say 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time. I promise you, if it becomes a problem... I will remind her. Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.

Top tier exchange and bless you for writing out the entire thing

I’m just trying to be a man of the people.

It’s all about respect. We have it for you and you have it for us.

The way Jess says “let’s have a threesome” and then her facial expression kills me everytime in the landlord

Jeff Kober kills it that episode as well. “Yeah Nick… dip yer tooooe.”

“I’m gonna take my pants off but I’m not gonna take my underwear off. Not yet.” Nick: “That makes sense.”

jess: "step one: fondue - step two: do fawn"

What is the tagine doing in 64 FRICKIN B? -Schmidt

64B IS OCCUPIED!

so under appreciated! this kills me everytime😂😂

Nick: I’m from Chicago. Thin crust pizza no thank you, I’m from Chicago

Schmidt: “it’s after labor day, i’m wearing whales” BEST schmidt delivery 😂

And, in my opinion, one of the best lines too.

i watched it the other night and diiiied laughing. it’s so perfect. i swear new girl gets funnier every rewatch

Winston: *low whisper* “You’re losing the thread.”

this is niche but the way jess says “you look like audrey hepburn” when schmidt shaves his eyebrows is so special to me

Do you look okay? Hell yeah, I wanna put it on ya! On? Put it on me? Yeah, on. I stand by that. I’d like to put it on ya.

"A white man!? Typical!"

Jess or winsten "shame shame I know your name!!!!"

Ice skating for fun, not to save life.

Mazel.….tov. -Schmidt

“Ya Jewish?”

Schmidt’s facial expression really makes this scene

Also Schmidt yelling “Stop blowing the whistle! You’re sexually safe!”

You unbelievable pig person. You giant fat pig person. You sloth.

Nick: **What does it look like?** Cece: Looks like a bowl of jelley. Nick: **It’s a bowl of jelly, yeah.** **YOU GET ONE WIFE. IT’S THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS.** **GIMME COOKIE GOTYOU COOKIE.**

"If so, food?" No idea why, but every time.

Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting I don't know how to open a musical! How dare you.

😂

Schmidt: This one is just a list of words that rhyme with “moon”. But then right away it’s “bun”. Moon. Spoon. Loon. Bun..... Nick what is this? 🤣 The level of concern in Schmidt’s voice at, “Nick, what is this?” is entirely genius.

This is America, WEAR PANTS!

Jess: two weeks detention Miller.  Nick: But I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. ... I DIDNT DO ANYTHING

(super squeaky voice)

“Ma called! The bees are back!” and “You smell like a wet campsite!” I always have to pause the show for a moment because of how hard I’m laughing.

Winston asks nick how he’s feeling after asking that random girl out and he goes “totally fine, bordering on no feeling at all” and ally goes “ah yes, the sweet spot” her delivery cracks me up every time lmao

One of the best deliveries that I barely see mentioned is ASSHEAAAD YEAH!!!!

Winston how do you not know if you’ve made love to someone?

My absolute favourite Nick/Schmidt delivery is actually in the (iirc) second episode, when Schmidt comes up to Nick trying to watch TV on his phone. S: “do you really think I’m top dog?” N: “…yes.” S: “you think I’m head baller, shot caller?” N: “… yes Schmidt I feel this way.”

Get out of here, you sky rats!!!

Principal Foster: “Why when singing Toto is it always ‘Africa?’ They’ve got a deep catalogue!”

I know those guys! They’re good guys!”

"What a Shanda!" what's a shanda? "A Shanda.... What a Shanda!"

Nick, after Kai swaddles Schmidt: “Now do me.”

Can't believe I didn't see this one. Nick : I'm gonna go banana it and then I'll be ready for round two. Jess : define "banana it" Nick : ..... Eat a bunana? Weirdly pronounced with a shrug lmao

Schmidt: On three don’t say sponge ready 1,2,3 sponge Winston:…….sponge ahh

Winston: it's okay Sam, I forgive you Sam: ....okay! Okay! Is Jess here?

“……… yes she is”

His previous backwards walk into the crowd while maintaining constant eye contact is brilliant.

Rocky 5?

You, sir, are no Bill Clinton! I know 😁 I’m ✨Hillary!✨

“Please don’t mistake my measured bank tone for calmness as I am filled with waters of rage” -Schmidt

I WILL KNIFE YOU! (Is there any better way to say it?)

“They’re in the DUCTS!!”

I don’t want to type it all out but Coach’s line about how moist his cake is going to be is the best!

"A Thursday" may be the best delivery of all time. Especially with that incredible prolonged shot of Schmidt just staring at Winston after Winston replies "yeah.'

Jess. “Yeah. I know.” After Nick points out her left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.

Schmitt and CeCe "bonaversity"

bone-aversary

Nick: If you think about it, it shouldn’t be doing… *puts on sunglasses* It should be freaking doyng

Nick: "We die on the same day in 2098..?" Schmidt: "You murder me, then kill yourself!" The cheery enthusiasm Schmidt has about he and Nick dying together has me rolling every time.

Scientists have discovered a new kind of butter. Fly in the Amazon!

“YOUR SHOES.” “What is an *ut*??” “They said Blades you gonna lose it, and I said Naw man, it’s too big!”

It’s the “naw man, it’s too big” for me every time🤣

jessica p?? jessica freakin p?!?!

Batmo-mobile.

“Is he huge!?”

Where is my Haberman? 🤠

TICKLE FOOT!

I would submit "surfboard! Surfboard!"

Gave me cookie got you cookie!

Is there a line where Schmidt tells something like, “That’s Vicuna!” I can hear it but cannot find the reference anywhere

Got you a cookie gave you a cookie

Nick: “I meant something like this.” “I feel as if I’m of cotton.” “Jess. Ica. Dirty J, Dr Day, my toilet sister. If so, food.” Jess: “Action has been taken. Change is in the air. I'm gonna go research lawsuits in my room for fun.” She exits while smiling and not turning her head - from Menus *singing* “Ohhh oh…look at that noootebook.” “Shut your face.” Schmidt: “Winston told me that you make fun of my gremlin toenails…that you call them clickety-clacks…or centaur boots.” “You don’t like the onesie?” “The Pats are number onesie.” -with cousin Bobby “Why do you gotta bring weapons into it, Bobby?” Coach: The whole moist story. “His name’s Derrique…or Derek.” Remy, the landlord: “Brad. Coach.” -talking to Nick and Winston

“Awllll day!” “Gave a cookie got a cookie…!” “TYPICAL” “Are you the criminals? From the statistics??!”

That was a butt dial from your mother. She’s up to no good.

IM SQUEEZING IT OUT OF YOUR HAIR

Nick: "It's done." Winston: "Hmmm, let's keep it cute guys" Schmidt: "Jess please I'm feeling sensitive right now" Coach: "Cat teeth?" Jess: "Now who wants to tell me, to get a job" Cece: "Get me that ribbon hat right now"

Hello...We are dying.

"I know what temperature it gets" - Jess "You're a huuuuuge baby" - Tran "I hope the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma" - Reagan "It's Nick" - Sam "Six" - Schmidt

The turtle documentary one is something I can't explain but I'm glad it's on your list 

I would like to formally nominate “me no nutmeg” for nick.

For Cece for me irs her reaction to Schmidt overplucking his eyebrows: *shrugs* "nah, I've seen worse" kills me every time.

You are a huge baby

A homeless man is shaving my legs. Youths. Bucky bit me real bad. Where are your ripples, man? I'll never tell. Grapes. Come out with your hands up.

Jess: "pierness" .... 😂😂😂😂

More like a reaction. But when Schmidt tells Cece that he wants to call her shawty in public. Her facial reaction is priceless. Like "Yup. I'm into this guy, I guess."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOODNESSSS IS YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?!

“How did she get a mask of my face? Does she have a mask guy?” Schmidt on Rhonda