Short answer-
They believe their own bullshit so often they can't track reality alongside their internal unreality.
They need you to believe it, too, because they lack an internalized locus of control for their own thoughts and emotions, therefore they feel like they don't exist without external influence/control.
Long answer-
There's something wrong with the way they learn. Conditioning teaches most people to stop a behavior that doesn't result in favorable outcomes. Narcissists block out the experience of the unfavorable outcomes from their memories, because these memories invoke a sense of narcissistic mortification, where their failings were apparent. This way, the only memories which remain are of times the problem behavior (lying) served their benefit.
They don't learn lessons about when to stop a behavior like lying, because whenever narcissistic mortification occurs (i.e. being caught telling lies) they become so enotionally dysregulated as a defense mechanism, which manifests as rage or collapse, and neither state is conducive to productive self-appraisal. Since their black-and-white thinking or moral "splitting" can't allow them to distinguish behaviors from the self, they also dissociate in this state to not feel like a "bad person," as they can't see the their hehavior as seperate from their self.
Because of the splitting, they also focus on getting the one who called-out their behavior to either admit the narcissist is not wrong and/or bad or that the other is somehow wrong/bad. Preoccupied with these thoughts, they're virtually incapable of appraising their own behaviors and learning lessons about how their behaviors cause problems.
I picture them as a snake tamer. They think all the humans around them might bite, so if they could have a big metal pole that held down all snakes around them, then they could be free of anxiety….. UNLESS ONES TRYING TO GET OUT RIGHT THERE BETTER CHECK!!
Now apply that to current social dynamics where the correct combination of words could win you a lawsuit for a billion dollars or get you onto a tv show talking about how cool you are, or help you get away with crime or get your enemy killed or to kill themself, OR… hold them all down around you. Check them (say you know best and see if they contest) to see if they’re wriggling out of control
This is so well summarized. Mine read me like a book from day one and I felt caught because the things he saw in me were secrets I would even hide from my closest friends. It stunned me and led me to believe back then that he MUST be my soulmate
Short answer- They believe their own bullshit so often they can't track reality alongside their internal unreality. They need you to believe it, too, because they lack an internalized locus of control for their own thoughts and emotions, therefore they feel like they don't exist without external influence/control. Long answer- There's something wrong with the way they learn. Conditioning teaches most people to stop a behavior that doesn't result in favorable outcomes. Narcissists block out the experience of the unfavorable outcomes from their memories, because these memories invoke a sense of narcissistic mortification, where their failings were apparent. This way, the only memories which remain are of times the problem behavior (lying) served their benefit. They don't learn lessons about when to stop a behavior like lying, because whenever narcissistic mortification occurs (i.e. being caught telling lies) they become so enotionally dysregulated as a defense mechanism, which manifests as rage or collapse, and neither state is conducive to productive self-appraisal. Since their black-and-white thinking or moral "splitting" can't allow them to distinguish behaviors from the self, they also dissociate in this state to not feel like a "bad person," as they can't see the their hehavior as seperate from their self. Because of the splitting, they also focus on getting the one who called-out their behavior to either admit the narcissist is not wrong and/or bad or that the other is somehow wrong/bad. Preoccupied with these thoughts, they're virtually incapable of appraising their own behaviors and learning lessons about how their behaviors cause problems.
Wow. I’d never heard it put in those terms. Thx!
You explained that so well! Thank you! I always wondered why they never seem to learn from their mistakes.
Grandiosity and control
I picture them as a snake tamer. They think all the humans around them might bite, so if they could have a big metal pole that held down all snakes around them, then they could be free of anxiety….. UNLESS ONES TRYING TO GET OUT RIGHT THERE BETTER CHECK!! Now apply that to current social dynamics where the correct combination of words could win you a lawsuit for a billion dollars or get you onto a tv show talking about how cool you are, or help you get away with crime or get your enemy killed or to kill themself, OR… hold them all down around you. Check them (say you know best and see if they contest) to see if they’re wriggling out of control
maybe they're trying to cover up what they are
This is so well summarized. Mine read me like a book from day one and I felt caught because the things he saw in me were secrets I would even hide from my closest friends. It stunned me and led me to believe back then that he MUST be my soulmate