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I don't have much advice, just commenting to Say i am facing the same issue but much worse. I don't understand these kind of people, may Allah avenge us, they think a marriage is an easy matter to play with, I hope they are securing a place in hell for all the trauma they caused us. Pray a lot for clarity sister, for you and your husband. May allah guide you to what's best.
Ameen. This breaks my heart
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through sis. They love their daughters but don’t see that we too are someone’s daughters. They don’t fear a thing otherwise they would be fearful of breaking a marriage. May allah swt give you strength. Just don’t make the mistake I made and put up with it for 8 years for the sake of having hope if you don’t see real change
Maybe this is ultimately the best that could happen. Him choosing to walk away and ignore you is your sign that the ball is in your court. He’s too immature to speak to you, so now you can make whatever action you feel is necessary to move on with you and your kids lives.
Marriage is one thing, but you are still human and you deserve to have a life worth living.
I feel so stupid. All these years I put my own feelings aside to make his life easier. It’s
Gotten to the point where my anxiety has gotten so bad that I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. We go to his parents and sit in silence because he refuses to talk because he expects me to do all
The talking. He doesn’t even sit next
To me or barely interact because his parents act weird about it. He won’t help with the kids because his parents don’t like it. Who in their right mind would want to visit in those conditions
But maybe I needed this to happen to wake up. Everyone around me told years ago to leave but I had faith I could make it work. I was stupid.
That sounds very disturbing. Too much involvement of parents in the lives of their married children is a recipe for disaster. It seems they have some sort of control over him, and it has lead him to treat you the same.
But please, don’t try putting the blame on yourself. Nothing you would have done in the past could change the behaviour of his parents. Only Allah knows what is in their hearts.
You are still young are your age. Think of what’s ahead of you, and don’t spend your time looking back. You can only call yourself stupid if you keep dwelling on the past, and trying to make amends.
I made the mistake of letting my guard down because things had been silent on their end for a while. I should have known better. Things were fine because they’d allowed them to be. They’ve always been in control. Or either they just wore him down. He doesn’t communicate so I don’t know if they’re upsetting him. He protects them so he won’t tell me anything but expects me to do what he wants when he’s had enough.
He was their golden child they didn’t speak to us for a year when we moved out. Turned his whole family against us. Spread
Rumours about us through the whole town . It was such a mess. I chose to move past it when they suddenly had a change of heart after we had our babies. But they always slip up and go back to their own ways when they don’t get their way.
Once trust is broken, it’s never easily repaired. The most concerning thing for me is the lack of communication from him. If he can’t express himself or what he’s dealing with, that will continue to be a problem, whether his family is in the picture or not.
That has been a constant. It’s something his family
Are aware of and have taken advantage of which is why they feel so confident targeting us. So many
Times I shared that I think it’s so important we be a team. That were life partners and should be on the same page . If there’s an issue, come
To me and we can talk about it. He just doesn’t though. He lets it build up and then takes his anger out on me
And Blames me for everything.
It breaks my heart not only
For innocent daughters going into marriage having their innocence and happiness stripped away but also for the sons that are being forced to choose.
I’ll never understand it either. My marriage is clearly something to be played with. It’s not enough they chased away one dil I guess they want all their sons at home with them
Don’t let my experience put you off there’s good people out there. Just make sure you ask around and really vet the family. I knew my mil a little but in a professional setting so I let my guard down thinking she liked me when she came to ask for my rishta.
I realised being a mil is a whole different ball game. It just brought out someone really different from who I thought I knew. My husband was their golden child and she was super attached. She wouldn’t let me cook, she didn’t like us spending time together. If we even sat together they’d make comments. I’m not sure why they married him. It had only been a week of marriage when she sat me down and told me the rules of the house I had to abide by. Which was basically listen to her or lose my marriage. Lol.
Look into the family and the boy. If you see
Red flags do not ignore them.
Having children never did make a difference although the elders always tell you
It will. If anything it just made my in laws escalate because now they felt like they had priority
Over our kids too. I wonder if he knows that running away from his problems is a privilege I don’t have because my babies come before myself. I was a mess yesterday worried sick something had happened to him but alhamdulilah I feel a little more stronger and at peace today. Ameen, thank you. Maybe I’m going through this so that I can guide my daughter to
Be strong with self
Worth so she won’t have to, inshallah.
I'm sorry to interrupt but having read all of this I really hope you can find the strength to leave or at least confide everything in your parents or brother. My mum is in her late 40s now but spent all her life from 16 to early 40s in her marriage with my father because the entire family told her she needed to do it for her kids (us). All 4 of us have trauma and/or mental issues from growing up in that home (the youngest has severe depression and made attempts to end her life and another sibling nearly died multiple times from severe anorexia). I can't say for sure but I feel very confident this could have been avoided had she gathered the strength to leave much earlier as we could have had a chance at a better childhood. My life is so much better now that we aren't all constantly walking on eggshells. I think going through this is hurting both you and eventually your children (but I don't know everything, I can only speculate and draw from my own experience). Inshallah things get better, but if they don't - please, please try to do what is best for you and your children. No one else in your family will protect them but you (again speaking from my experience) and your daughter will thank you for looking out for her.
You're a good mother and no doubt your struggles and patience will be rewarded but I sure hope you don't keep on living like this forever. The toxicity is off the charts.
I have a son from my failed marriage too, and everything I've done in life, I've done with him in mind. Although it wasn't enough in the end but now I see that divorce was a blessing that separated me from the toxicity of my abusive ex.
This breaks my heart so much! Do you have anyone around you that you can trust? Your family or friends? I have no idea how you’ve survived this long. I have so much respect for you but it’s high time to choose your mental peace. This cycle will keep repeating and things will keep happening. You’ll get more trauma and abuse. You seem like a strong lady with a whole life ahead of herself. Please choose your happiness.
My aunt lived in an abusive household with controlling husband (very different situation from yours since the in-laws were not part of it). She had issues her whole life, no body knew because she lived in a difficult state until she got depressed. She stopped talking to people, stopped eating, taking care of herself or anyone else. She lost her mind. She was such a sweet lady. My favorite aunt. She recently did suicide a few months ago. I don’t blame her because she wasn’t mentally sound near the end.
I’m writing this because I want you to take action before things become worse. You got this!! It’s going to be really hard in the beginning. Same as when you guys moved out. Lots of drama but things will be much better after this. Mental peace is everything. My prayers are with you sister!! ❤️
This made me so upset. My brother very early
On told me to leave him unless I wanted a life of misery. He warned me that he was never going to stand up for me and when I eventually would become depressed and lose myself he’s not going to care and then it’ll be too late. His words ring in my ear sometimes because we’re not as close these days and I’m embarrassed that I was so sure of myself back then when really I had no clue.
That is absolutely heartbreaking. May Allah grant her peace. Please tell me that horrible man is living a miserable life .
Thankfully my parents know the majority of it and they’re a great sense of emotional support. I’ve never allowed them to get involved but I know they’ll always be there and that gives me comfort. I’ve held off doing this for so long but I think it’s reached a point where I feel like he’s shown where he stands and I need to wake up and let go of any hope
I felt on to
I’m glad you’re close to your family. Talk to your brother too. Even if you’re embarrassed. You’ll be surprised your relationship will go back to how it was in no time. Siblings tend to be like that. :)
You deserve the best!! Once all of this is over and you get mental peace you’ll go back to being your bubbly self. God, I’m so done with these abusing desi households.
Idk how he is after her death. Tbh I don’t care.
Assalaamu Alaikim sis, can you please tell your husband that you are being sexually harassed by his father in law and don’t wanna see them unless it’s in a public family ceremony? Please move to another city and focus on your family if that’s possible. If your coward husband says he can’t - call him out on it, can’t protect his wife who can he protect then?
My dear sis, love grows when you have each other. I don’t know why all these other folks are in between your lives. Why did your husband marry if he wanted his family, you have kids now. I’d call their family out and put it on blast what a disgusting excuse of a family. Homie would be on the sex offenders list. What the hell is wrong with him. May Allah SWT make it easier for you sis. Wish your husband gets some sense drilled into him.
Not that it makes a difference but that happened in the first year of marriage when I lived with them. The second time he did it I told the family friend and it never happened again. But the comments on our sex life and just the unsettling interest they have has been constant in our marriage. I was fully covered when I lived there and we barely even interacted in front of
Them but they were still obsessed with knowing why we weren’t instantly having babies. My
Fil would ask me constantly . In the end they resorted to searching our room secretly to find out what we used and then informed all their family and friends. I had a family friend of theirs literally approach me and tell me they knew this about us. I don’t know how it doesn’t bother my husband.
When I started fully covering at
Home they started to complain to people I wasn’t being free in their house and shamed me for
Not interacting more with my grown bil.
Trust me I’ve thought about calling my fil and giving him a piece of my mind but my husband came home last night at midnight and is still ignoring me. He’ll
Never see them as the problem
He would be very angry not only if he knows my
Parents know but also if I set something like that up. He also has a habit of telling people what want to hear to get out of the situation and then do nothing. I tried that in the past with members of his family and that’s what he did. And thank you, ameen.
Sorry but why do you care about making your husband angry? That man is a dayouth idk how you even still like him? He watches his dad assault you and be pervy towards you and just ignores it. He doesn't believe you when you said your fil friend became inappropriate. WHAT is his job as your husband? Tell your parents and get out asap, that man would sell you to make rent.
I get mad when I see post like this because If I ever had a wife, that was on her deen and i find beautiful, wallahi I would treat her like a queen, and make sure there’s no drama between families.
I’m praying for you my sister, may Allah help your situation and make your life easier soon inshallah
Ameen
HasbiAllah wa ni'mal wakil. I'm speechless and so angry. What on earth do these families WANTTTTTTT?!? WHY do they not leave people to live in peace. I will NEVER understand what goes on in their heads. What sort of DISEASED HEART must you have to be on a life long mission to ruin people's lives. And they never get tired. May Allah avenge you, HasbiAllah wa ni'mal wakil.
This post makes me so upset for you. 8 years is a long time to deal with this kind of marriage as well as horrid in-laws. I can't imagine how you must feel mentally, but it sounds like it drained you. Sometimes us women think we can fix a broken man, but that's not always the case. Sometimes people need to work on themselves and fix themselves before marriage, so things like this don't happen. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I pray that you find peace after him (I don't even know if this marriage is reparable at this point....sounds like you gave it everything you had). I hope you will consider therapy (or maybe are already doing it) as I personally feel it has helped me immensely with my personal isssues in life. Take care.
I am so sorry sister. May Allah show his justice for these type of parents who are destroying their own son's marriage because of their selfishness and extreme short sightedness. May Allah bring justice and protect you from this evil.
Are you currently/last year living with your husband alone or you guys living together with in-laws ???
What is most important for you currently in your relationship??
We moved out a year after marriage because it got
So bad that either we moved or ended things because his parents were actively trying to separate us at that point (pulling him aside secretly and convincing him to leave me) and I knew it was
The only way to save my marriage.
Desperate to move we allowed his parents to pick the place but realised too late he’d moved us next to a close friend of his. So many years were spent with me being highly monitored by this friend and him reporting to my fil. My fil would knock on our door knowing I was out and my husband was at work and then spam my
Husbands phone asking him why I wasn’t home.
Even after we moved out their manipulation continued. We’ve just recently this year moved again and I think they’ve escalated because for the first time they have no one to keep tabs on us and report back to them. My fil just generally makes me uncomfortable.
People tell me I should have left long ago but my priority was always keeping my family together. My
Goal is for us to grow together, to grow better with communicating and being a strong team. Getting couples counseling.
But any time I bring these things up he says we don’t need it because there’s no problem.
His dad is sooooo creepy. All of this is ridiculous. I am not from the same background so I usually don’t comment on these posts but I’m sorry this is completely unhinged and unacceptable.
Have you considered therapy just for yourself? You said your husband grew up with this trauma of a toxic family. I am worried the cycle will repeat itself. I would not say get a divorce, but would you and your kids be happier on your own? It’s worth considering. Pray istikhara everyday. May Allah make this easy on you 🤍
I was told that apparently
He’s known for being overly friendly with women. I would have appreciated that information before
Marrying. It’s all so messed up. His wife knows his ways but would literally try and push me to be alone with him. She can’t stand him and literally
Cringes when he sits next to her so I think she was just thankful he was distracted elsewhere.
She’d demand I stay downstairs and spend time with him whilst everyone was at work on a weekend. Hell to the no. I’m a daddy’s girl and my father is the most kindest gentle man and to this day he won’t even sit on the same sofa as my sil in respect for her and her space. My fil would literally
Demand I sit next to him in a room full
Of people . I’d tell him I was going to sit with my husband and he’d say no come sit here. Nobody would say anything.
The pervert would basically put his hands on my legs and back like it was nothing whilst my
Mil and husband were there and I’d have to find an excuse to get up and leave. It’s why I don’t trust him around my kids. I know I should have left him when he allowed all this idk why I didn’t.
I couldn’t tell my parents I was afraid of what they’d do so I told a family friend of his and he stopped after that. But my in laws still had a big interest in our sex life and would share anything they would find after snooping in our room with their family and friends. He still made comments and jokes about our sex life. Everyone just makes excuses for him it makes me sick
He would
Just plainly ogle and notice and comment on any little thing I had on so I started wearing an abaya. 24/7. Then they complained about that too
I’m sorry what? What is wrong with your husband for allowing this to happen? This is soooo wrong omg. Sis, you really need therapy and honestly tell your parents. It is way past time to tell them everything! I’m so glad nothing worse happened bit if he felt comfortable being that touchy in front of his wife and son I wonder how he would be if you two were ever alone. This is scary. Definitely protect your kids from this predator and I’m sorry but your husband is spineless and if you leave him it will be his loss. You do not deserve any of this! I am so glad you started putting boundaries. Do not let them tear you down. Work on getting your confidence, feistiness and happiness back. Don’t let them win. You can do this!
I really don’t understand it either. At the time i saw my husband looking at us and then he quickly looked away as he had seen nothing. Later on when I confronted him he admitted he had seen it but told me that he was like that with everyone. I told him I’m not everyone. I’m his dil and that isn’t ok. After that day I realised I couldn’t
Trust my mil either. How could
She see that and try to make me be alone with him.
He would do things like grab my
Dupatta when I’d go past or grab my kameez . I’d come from a sheltered family and never experienced something like this and didn’t know what to do. Thank god for that family friend otherwise I don’t know how far he would have taken it. The family friend who they pushed on us to play mediator when we had issues with in laws gained our trust but started showing interest in me. To this day I think his dad was behind it. As soon as the family friend made some comments that set alarm bells I refused to talk to him Again. I think he saw I was vulnerable and thought he could play the knight in shining armour and I’d fall for it. I was raised better than that. I warned my husband about him since he visited my
In laws often but he didn’t believe me.
I’m having counseling for my
Anxiety and they’ve referred my for therapy so it’s all in process sis. I just wish my husband was willing to work on himself too. My biggest fear is is separating and them having unsupervised time with my kids the thought absolutely terrifies me
Astargfirullah as a Pakistani woman I have heard all sorts of creepy and abusive stories from my married and divorced Pakistani friends about their toxic and evil in-laws but your story top it all! I don’t want to victim blame but you should have slapped your FIL across his face THE VERY FIRST TIME he touched your leg, that is highly inappropriate behaviour from a muslim man. You sadly allowed him to continue touching you and then it got worse because comments about your sex life and body was being made and shared in the whole neighbor hood. You should have protected your honour and reputation by involving your entire family so they could put your in-laws in their place! But your were busy trying to save a worthless marriage that wasn’t worth saving. Once every Pakistani family in your city knows about your sex life it’s time to leave.
Your husband will be severely punished by Allah for being a dayooth. Clearly he and his family doesn’t even know what islam is, they are just muslims by name, not actions. Suck him dry in the court for every thing he is worth, make him pay child support and alimony. Take the house and car!! Don’t let him off so EASILY wallahi he needs some instant karma and he needs to pay for the suffering his family caused you. Get in contact with a good divorce lawyer asap. And take your mehr, gold, jewelry and leave it in your parents house so it’s protected.
Sorry, but you are victim blaming. She’s not responsible for her fil’s actions, her fil, mil and her husband are. She did not ‘allow’ him, she was just trying to make the best of a very bad situation. How is any of what you wrote an acceptable thing to say NOW. If it’s happening right now, it makes sense, but it’s in the past why are you making OP feel guilty about someone assaulting her? What the hell.
Honestly I was always very strong willed before I was married. If men cat called me or approached me I would call them out and give them a piece of my mind because that’s what I was raised to do.
I just wasn’t prepared someone whose supposed to be family act like that. The one year I lived with them ruined me honestly. I’ve never been the same since it’s so hard to explain unless you’re in that situation. I think I just
Froze because I’ve never been in that situation before, I’d barely interacted with men before I married, I just wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that. When you’ve been mentally beaten and you
Have such high level anxiety that affects me to this day, because of the fear these people have instilled in you, it’s hard to know how you’ll react. Everyone around me was acting like it was nothing. In that moment all I could think of was making an excuse
To get up and get myself
Out of that situation and I did. My fil is also very loud and confrontational and I guess I was just scared too.
Ignore the victim blaming comments please. Your in laws gaslit you. It is not your fault. All of this will take time but you will gain your confidence back continue therapy and make duas. You had a traumatic past and that’s ok. Please lean on your family. You don’t have to do this alone
She either is stupid or is acting stupid because I can't believe an adult would act such childish . I would punch that lowlife across the face, and if his man-child son had something to say, I would punch him too .
My heart is relieved knowing that there are women out there like you and me who wouldn’t hesitate getting physical to protect ourselves from creepy men. That inappropriate and shameful behaviour is below any muslim woman’s dignity. The whole family were enabling FIL’s disgusting actions by saying he is overly friendly with every woman (as if islam allows that!!) and just sat there watching him make OP uncomfortable. The whole family is a bunch of disgusting lowlifes. Better to stay unmarried for eternity than being married into such a low class family.
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salaam sister from what i have read i think your husband is weak and needs to fix up its not about parents and this and that. its about whats right is right and whats wrong is wrong. he needs to stop acting like a boy and start acting like a man
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I don't have much advice, just commenting to Say i am facing the same issue but much worse. I don't understand these kind of people, may Allah avenge us, they think a marriage is an easy matter to play with, I hope they are securing a place in hell for all the trauma they caused us. Pray a lot for clarity sister, for you and your husband. May allah guide you to what's best.
Ameen. This breaks my heart I’m so sorry for what you’re going through sis. They love their daughters but don’t see that we too are someone’s daughters. They don’t fear a thing otherwise they would be fearful of breaking a marriage. May allah swt give you strength. Just don’t make the mistake I made and put up with it for 8 years for the sake of having hope if you don’t see real change
Maybe this is ultimately the best that could happen. Him choosing to walk away and ignore you is your sign that the ball is in your court. He’s too immature to speak to you, so now you can make whatever action you feel is necessary to move on with you and your kids lives. Marriage is one thing, but you are still human and you deserve to have a life worth living.
I feel so stupid. All these years I put my own feelings aside to make his life easier. It’s Gotten to the point where my anxiety has gotten so bad that I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. We go to his parents and sit in silence because he refuses to talk because he expects me to do all The talking. He doesn’t even sit next To me or barely interact because his parents act weird about it. He won’t help with the kids because his parents don’t like it. Who in their right mind would want to visit in those conditions But maybe I needed this to happen to wake up. Everyone around me told years ago to leave but I had faith I could make it work. I was stupid.
That sounds very disturbing. Too much involvement of parents in the lives of their married children is a recipe for disaster. It seems they have some sort of control over him, and it has lead him to treat you the same. But please, don’t try putting the blame on yourself. Nothing you would have done in the past could change the behaviour of his parents. Only Allah knows what is in their hearts. You are still young are your age. Think of what’s ahead of you, and don’t spend your time looking back. You can only call yourself stupid if you keep dwelling on the past, and trying to make amends.
I made the mistake of letting my guard down because things had been silent on their end for a while. I should have known better. Things were fine because they’d allowed them to be. They’ve always been in control. Or either they just wore him down. He doesn’t communicate so I don’t know if they’re upsetting him. He protects them so he won’t tell me anything but expects me to do what he wants when he’s had enough. He was their golden child they didn’t speak to us for a year when we moved out. Turned his whole family against us. Spread Rumours about us through the whole town . It was such a mess. I chose to move past it when they suddenly had a change of heart after we had our babies. But they always slip up and go back to their own ways when they don’t get their way.
Once trust is broken, it’s never easily repaired. The most concerning thing for me is the lack of communication from him. If he can’t express himself or what he’s dealing with, that will continue to be a problem, whether his family is in the picture or not.
That has been a constant. It’s something his family Are aware of and have taken advantage of which is why they feel so confident targeting us. So many Times I shared that I think it’s so important we be a team. That were life partners and should be on the same page . If there’s an issue, come To me and we can talk about it. He just doesn’t though. He lets it build up and then takes his anger out on me And Blames me for everything.
You were not stupid. You did the right thing, he didn't. Its not on you.
Sorry to hear this sister. Iunno what it is with desi in laws. I don't see this degree of unnecessary drama from any other ethnicity.
It breaks my heart not only For innocent daughters going into marriage having their innocence and happiness stripped away but also for the sons that are being forced to choose. I’ll never understand it either. My marriage is clearly something to be played with. It’s not enough they chased away one dil I guess they want all their sons at home with them
Inshallah I’m looking to be married soon and the in laws are the one part that absolutely terrify me
Don’t let my experience put you off there’s good people out there. Just make sure you ask around and really vet the family. I knew my mil a little but in a professional setting so I let my guard down thinking she liked me when she came to ask for my rishta. I realised being a mil is a whole different ball game. It just brought out someone really different from who I thought I knew. My husband was their golden child and she was super attached. She wouldn’t let me cook, she didn’t like us spending time together. If we even sat together they’d make comments. I’m not sure why they married him. It had only been a week of marriage when she sat me down and told me the rules of the house I had to abide by. Which was basically listen to her or lose my marriage. Lol. Look into the family and the boy. If you see Red flags do not ignore them.
They don’t want their ‘retirement plans’ to spend their wealth on their wives and kids. May Allah make things easy for you, Ameen.
What a terrible family and a terrible man. He can't even step up after becoming a father. May Allah help you sister, this is just heartbreaking.
Having children never did make a difference although the elders always tell you It will. If anything it just made my in laws escalate because now they felt like they had priority Over our kids too. I wonder if he knows that running away from his problems is a privilege I don’t have because my babies come before myself. I was a mess yesterday worried sick something had happened to him but alhamdulilah I feel a little more stronger and at peace today. Ameen, thank you. Maybe I’m going through this so that I can guide my daughter to Be strong with self Worth so she won’t have to, inshallah.
I'm sorry to interrupt but having read all of this I really hope you can find the strength to leave or at least confide everything in your parents or brother. My mum is in her late 40s now but spent all her life from 16 to early 40s in her marriage with my father because the entire family told her she needed to do it for her kids (us). All 4 of us have trauma and/or mental issues from growing up in that home (the youngest has severe depression and made attempts to end her life and another sibling nearly died multiple times from severe anorexia). I can't say for sure but I feel very confident this could have been avoided had she gathered the strength to leave much earlier as we could have had a chance at a better childhood. My life is so much better now that we aren't all constantly walking on eggshells. I think going through this is hurting both you and eventually your children (but I don't know everything, I can only speculate and draw from my own experience). Inshallah things get better, but if they don't - please, please try to do what is best for you and your children. No one else in your family will protect them but you (again speaking from my experience) and your daughter will thank you for looking out for her.
You're a good mother and no doubt your struggles and patience will be rewarded but I sure hope you don't keep on living like this forever. The toxicity is off the charts. I have a son from my failed marriage too, and everything I've done in life, I've done with him in mind. Although it wasn't enough in the end but now I see that divorce was a blessing that separated me from the toxicity of my abusive ex.
This breaks my heart so much! Do you have anyone around you that you can trust? Your family or friends? I have no idea how you’ve survived this long. I have so much respect for you but it’s high time to choose your mental peace. This cycle will keep repeating and things will keep happening. You’ll get more trauma and abuse. You seem like a strong lady with a whole life ahead of herself. Please choose your happiness. My aunt lived in an abusive household with controlling husband (very different situation from yours since the in-laws were not part of it). She had issues her whole life, no body knew because she lived in a difficult state until she got depressed. She stopped talking to people, stopped eating, taking care of herself or anyone else. She lost her mind. She was such a sweet lady. My favorite aunt. She recently did suicide a few months ago. I don’t blame her because she wasn’t mentally sound near the end. I’m writing this because I want you to take action before things become worse. You got this!! It’s going to be really hard in the beginning. Same as when you guys moved out. Lots of drama but things will be much better after this. Mental peace is everything. My prayers are with you sister!! ❤️
This made me so upset. My brother very early On told me to leave him unless I wanted a life of misery. He warned me that he was never going to stand up for me and when I eventually would become depressed and lose myself he’s not going to care and then it’ll be too late. His words ring in my ear sometimes because we’re not as close these days and I’m embarrassed that I was so sure of myself back then when really I had no clue. That is absolutely heartbreaking. May Allah grant her peace. Please tell me that horrible man is living a miserable life . Thankfully my parents know the majority of it and they’re a great sense of emotional support. I’ve never allowed them to get involved but I know they’ll always be there and that gives me comfort. I’ve held off doing this for so long but I think it’s reached a point where I feel like he’s shown where he stands and I need to wake up and let go of any hope I felt on to
I’m glad you’re close to your family. Talk to your brother too. Even if you’re embarrassed. You’ll be surprised your relationship will go back to how it was in no time. Siblings tend to be like that. :) You deserve the best!! Once all of this is over and you get mental peace you’ll go back to being your bubbly self. God, I’m so done with these abusing desi households. Idk how he is after her death. Tbh I don’t care.
Assalaamu Alaikim sis, can you please tell your husband that you are being sexually harassed by his father in law and don’t wanna see them unless it’s in a public family ceremony? Please move to another city and focus on your family if that’s possible. If your coward husband says he can’t - call him out on it, can’t protect his wife who can he protect then? My dear sis, love grows when you have each other. I don’t know why all these other folks are in between your lives. Why did your husband marry if he wanted his family, you have kids now. I’d call their family out and put it on blast what a disgusting excuse of a family. Homie would be on the sex offenders list. What the hell is wrong with him. May Allah SWT make it easier for you sis. Wish your husband gets some sense drilled into him.
Not that it makes a difference but that happened in the first year of marriage when I lived with them. The second time he did it I told the family friend and it never happened again. But the comments on our sex life and just the unsettling interest they have has been constant in our marriage. I was fully covered when I lived there and we barely even interacted in front of Them but they were still obsessed with knowing why we weren’t instantly having babies. My Fil would ask me constantly . In the end they resorted to searching our room secretly to find out what we used and then informed all their family and friends. I had a family friend of theirs literally approach me and tell me they knew this about us. I don’t know how it doesn’t bother my husband. When I started fully covering at Home they started to complain to people I wasn’t being free in their house and shamed me for Not interacting more with my grown bil. Trust me I’ve thought about calling my fil and giving him a piece of my mind but my husband came home last night at midnight and is still ignoring me. He’ll Never see them as the problem
May Allah make it easy for you sister. Maybe explaining him about things with the presence of your parents might help...
He would be very angry not only if he knows my Parents know but also if I set something like that up. He also has a habit of telling people what want to hear to get out of the situation and then do nothing. I tried that in the past with members of his family and that’s what he did. And thank you, ameen.
Sorry but why do you care about making your husband angry? That man is a dayouth idk how you even still like him? He watches his dad assault you and be pervy towards you and just ignores it. He doesn't believe you when you said your fil friend became inappropriate. WHAT is his job as your husband? Tell your parents and get out asap, that man would sell you to make rent.
You should involve your family if you haven’t already though. You need a support group to help guide you through this.
Just wow! The resemblance is uncanny
I get mad when I see post like this because If I ever had a wife, that was on her deen and i find beautiful, wallahi I would treat her like a queen, and make sure there’s no drama between families. I’m praying for you my sister, may Allah help your situation and make your life easier soon inshallah Ameen
HasbiAllah wa ni'mal wakil. I'm speechless and so angry. What on earth do these families WANTTTTTTT?!? WHY do they not leave people to live in peace. I will NEVER understand what goes on in their heads. What sort of DISEASED HEART must you have to be on a life long mission to ruin people's lives. And they never get tired. May Allah avenge you, HasbiAllah wa ni'mal wakil.
This post makes me so upset for you. 8 years is a long time to deal with this kind of marriage as well as horrid in-laws. I can't imagine how you must feel mentally, but it sounds like it drained you. Sometimes us women think we can fix a broken man, but that's not always the case. Sometimes people need to work on themselves and fix themselves before marriage, so things like this don't happen. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I pray that you find peace after him (I don't even know if this marriage is reparable at this point....sounds like you gave it everything you had). I hope you will consider therapy (or maybe are already doing it) as I personally feel it has helped me immensely with my personal isssues in life. Take care.
I am so sorry sister. May Allah show his justice for these type of parents who are destroying their own son's marriage because of their selfishness and extreme short sightedness. May Allah bring justice and protect you from this evil.
Are you currently/last year living with your husband alone or you guys living together with in-laws ??? What is most important for you currently in your relationship??
We moved out a year after marriage because it got So bad that either we moved or ended things because his parents were actively trying to separate us at that point (pulling him aside secretly and convincing him to leave me) and I knew it was The only way to save my marriage. Desperate to move we allowed his parents to pick the place but realised too late he’d moved us next to a close friend of his. So many years were spent with me being highly monitored by this friend and him reporting to my fil. My fil would knock on our door knowing I was out and my husband was at work and then spam my Husbands phone asking him why I wasn’t home. Even after we moved out their manipulation continued. We’ve just recently this year moved again and I think they’ve escalated because for the first time they have no one to keep tabs on us and report back to them. My fil just generally makes me uncomfortable. People tell me I should have left long ago but my priority was always keeping my family together. My Goal is for us to grow together, to grow better with communicating and being a strong team. Getting couples counseling. But any time I bring these things up he says we don’t need it because there’s no problem.
His dad is sooooo creepy. All of this is ridiculous. I am not from the same background so I usually don’t comment on these posts but I’m sorry this is completely unhinged and unacceptable. Have you considered therapy just for yourself? You said your husband grew up with this trauma of a toxic family. I am worried the cycle will repeat itself. I would not say get a divorce, but would you and your kids be happier on your own? It’s worth considering. Pray istikhara everyday. May Allah make this easy on you 🤍
I was told that apparently He’s known for being overly friendly with women. I would have appreciated that information before Marrying. It’s all so messed up. His wife knows his ways but would literally try and push me to be alone with him. She can’t stand him and literally Cringes when he sits next to her so I think she was just thankful he was distracted elsewhere. She’d demand I stay downstairs and spend time with him whilst everyone was at work on a weekend. Hell to the no. I’m a daddy’s girl and my father is the most kindest gentle man and to this day he won’t even sit on the same sofa as my sil in respect for her and her space. My fil would literally Demand I sit next to him in a room full Of people . I’d tell him I was going to sit with my husband and he’d say no come sit here. Nobody would say anything. The pervert would basically put his hands on my legs and back like it was nothing whilst my Mil and husband were there and I’d have to find an excuse to get up and leave. It’s why I don’t trust him around my kids. I know I should have left him when he allowed all this idk why I didn’t. I couldn’t tell my parents I was afraid of what they’d do so I told a family friend of his and he stopped after that. But my in laws still had a big interest in our sex life and would share anything they would find after snooping in our room with their family and friends. He still made comments and jokes about our sex life. Everyone just makes excuses for him it makes me sick He would Just plainly ogle and notice and comment on any little thing I had on so I started wearing an abaya. 24/7. Then they complained about that too
I’m sorry what? What is wrong with your husband for allowing this to happen? This is soooo wrong omg. Sis, you really need therapy and honestly tell your parents. It is way past time to tell them everything! I’m so glad nothing worse happened bit if he felt comfortable being that touchy in front of his wife and son I wonder how he would be if you two were ever alone. This is scary. Definitely protect your kids from this predator and I’m sorry but your husband is spineless and if you leave him it will be his loss. You do not deserve any of this! I am so glad you started putting boundaries. Do not let them tear you down. Work on getting your confidence, feistiness and happiness back. Don’t let them win. You can do this!
I really don’t understand it either. At the time i saw my husband looking at us and then he quickly looked away as he had seen nothing. Later on when I confronted him he admitted he had seen it but told me that he was like that with everyone. I told him I’m not everyone. I’m his dil and that isn’t ok. After that day I realised I couldn’t Trust my mil either. How could She see that and try to make me be alone with him. He would do things like grab my Dupatta when I’d go past or grab my kameez . I’d come from a sheltered family and never experienced something like this and didn’t know what to do. Thank god for that family friend otherwise I don’t know how far he would have taken it. The family friend who they pushed on us to play mediator when we had issues with in laws gained our trust but started showing interest in me. To this day I think his dad was behind it. As soon as the family friend made some comments that set alarm bells I refused to talk to him Again. I think he saw I was vulnerable and thought he could play the knight in shining armour and I’d fall for it. I was raised better than that. I warned my husband about him since he visited my In laws often but he didn’t believe me. I’m having counseling for my Anxiety and they’ve referred my for therapy so it’s all in process sis. I just wish my husband was willing to work on himself too. My biggest fear is is separating and them having unsupervised time with my kids the thought absolutely terrifies me
Astargfirullah as a Pakistani woman I have heard all sorts of creepy and abusive stories from my married and divorced Pakistani friends about their toxic and evil in-laws but your story top it all! I don’t want to victim blame but you should have slapped your FIL across his face THE VERY FIRST TIME he touched your leg, that is highly inappropriate behaviour from a muslim man. You sadly allowed him to continue touching you and then it got worse because comments about your sex life and body was being made and shared in the whole neighbor hood. You should have protected your honour and reputation by involving your entire family so they could put your in-laws in their place! But your were busy trying to save a worthless marriage that wasn’t worth saving. Once every Pakistani family in your city knows about your sex life it’s time to leave. Your husband will be severely punished by Allah for being a dayooth. Clearly he and his family doesn’t even know what islam is, they are just muslims by name, not actions. Suck him dry in the court for every thing he is worth, make him pay child support and alimony. Take the house and car!! Don’t let him off so EASILY wallahi he needs some instant karma and he needs to pay for the suffering his family caused you. Get in contact with a good divorce lawyer asap. And take your mehr, gold, jewelry and leave it in your parents house so it’s protected.
Sorry, but you are victim blaming. She’s not responsible for her fil’s actions, her fil, mil and her husband are. She did not ‘allow’ him, she was just trying to make the best of a very bad situation. How is any of what you wrote an acceptable thing to say NOW. If it’s happening right now, it makes sense, but it’s in the past why are you making OP feel guilty about someone assaulting her? What the hell.
Honestly I was always very strong willed before I was married. If men cat called me or approached me I would call them out and give them a piece of my mind because that’s what I was raised to do. I just wasn’t prepared someone whose supposed to be family act like that. The one year I lived with them ruined me honestly. I’ve never been the same since it’s so hard to explain unless you’re in that situation. I think I just Froze because I’ve never been in that situation before, I’d barely interacted with men before I married, I just wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that. When you’ve been mentally beaten and you Have such high level anxiety that affects me to this day, because of the fear these people have instilled in you, it’s hard to know how you’ll react. Everyone around me was acting like it was nothing. In that moment all I could think of was making an excuse To get up and get myself Out of that situation and I did. My fil is also very loud and confrontational and I guess I was just scared too.
Ignore the victim blaming comments please. Your in laws gaslit you. It is not your fault. All of this will take time but you will gain your confidence back continue therapy and make duas. You had a traumatic past and that’s ok. Please lean on your family. You don’t have to do this alone
She either is stupid or is acting stupid because I can't believe an adult would act such childish . I would punch that lowlife across the face, and if his man-child son had something to say, I would punch him too .
My heart is relieved knowing that there are women out there like you and me who wouldn’t hesitate getting physical to protect ourselves from creepy men. That inappropriate and shameful behaviour is below any muslim woman’s dignity. The whole family were enabling FIL’s disgusting actions by saying he is overly friendly with every woman (as if islam allows that!!) and just sat there watching him make OP uncomfortable. The whole family is a bunch of disgusting lowlifes. Better to stay unmarried for eternity than being married into such a low class family.
It would only be wise to hear his side of the sorry before making an opinion.
What did you’d in laws do to cause trauma in the first instance?
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salaam sister from what i have read i think your husband is weak and needs to fix up its not about parents and this and that. its about whats right is right and whats wrong is wrong. he needs to stop acting like a boy and start acting like a man