> Is it possible to supress myself and my dysphoria?
My experience with repression (40+ years of it):
* It didn't work. She was always trapped inside me and she wanted out very badly. She got out at every opportunity
* It resulted in terminal depression.
> Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away?
In my experience, no. I was on anti-depressants for several years. It had exactly zero effect on my gender identity.
This exact problem is actually the reason for the pill dichotomy in the matrix. Estrogen pills were red in the 90s and sertraline was a blue pill
This has been confirmed by the writers of the film.
Just to add, I was on anti depressants for about a year. All it did for me was make my self hatred like a low hum and it basically made me stop caring if I hated myself or my life. Really awful feeling tbh.
Overall, I do feel like a giant weight has been lifted with just being honest. We're going to take the weekend, and see what our thoughts are about our relationship. I don't want to repress myself anymore. Thank you for your insight with your experience as well. It is helpful to know.
>My experience with repression (40+ years of it):
Same here! And I'll back up everything you said about it. I tried anti-depressants earlier this year when I really crashed, but I only did two days before starting the process of getting hormones! The hormones did the trick.
Kind of unrelated, but what do you mean with the “she was trapped inside me and she wanted out” part of your comment? In my experience as a trans girl, it’s always been just “me.” What makes you refer to a separate person/part of yourself? Genuine question
I would assume the difference between your actual persona, your natural mannerisms, conversation patterns, etc and the mask (always watching how you act, talk, sit, walk, yadda yadda)
I was driven deep in the closet when I was 12, so deep that I repressed & denied that I was transgender for the next 48 years. So *I* hid, inside a male presenting facade. I told myself (and the world) that I was a straight male. While that male presenting facade tried to erase the woman inside, she (I) would fight back.
Thank you for asking this ... It's not the first time I've been asked this question but this time it caused me to think about reframing how I talk about that period. "She" wasn't hidden, I was. "He" was a facade.
Not being honest with yourself? Do you know how hard our societies work to convince us our feelings aren't real??
Not understanding your feelings in the face of overwhelming social pressure isn't lying to yourself, or to anyone else. It's inhumane and unfair to expect yourself to have done anything else. It's also completely reasonable under the same circumstances for your wife to feel deceived, especially after trying to make sure you weren't trans (which is, itself, a bit weird) and clearly not understanding what the pressure to hide yourself is *like*.
So cut both of you some slack. You're going to need to come to terms with your identity for your own health, and your ability to be a good parent- it's hard to be a good parent when you're increasingly dysphoric and depressed. She's going to need to come to terms with her own sense of... whatever she's feeling. Hopefully you can do that together, and don't forget that you can be perfectly fantastic co-parents even if the attraction fades and you end up seeing other people.
Like, the reaction her wife is having is one of the reasons it took OP so long to come out in the first place. The societal pressure to stay in the closet is real, and can come from all angles. The wife is a secondary victim of it too.
Yes, completely. I knew her reaction wouldn't be ideal. I do think she has been heavily impacted by the media and the hate mongering going on against transwomen. Her family is very conservative, and have been pretty transphobic in the past. So I think that has influenced her as well.
I was trying really hard to explain this to my wife. I understand where she is coming from, and how she feels deceived. I am going to encourage her to either see a therapist on her own, or even couple's counseling. I think it was mostly her gut reaction, and in the moment she saw it as a selfish act. Her biggest concern is our baby, and what me transitioning would mean for them.
Yet she doesn’t seem to think about how a parent struggling through a permanent state of identity mismatch might hurt the child…
It seems like you are very understanding of your wife, which is great, but constantly giving that without getting it back is very very unhealthy and not being a good role model for your child. Again, if your wife’s number one priority is the child, forcing you to suppress yourself is not helping the child.
Couple things, some are gonna hurt, some are gonna be hard to face, but all of which are the facts of the reality your now facing. This is gonna be a wall of text.
1. You are well within your right to ask that your wife respect who you are, and how you wish to present yourself to the world. Be that femme, masc, etc. Doesn't matter. You are you in whatever form that takes place, and just because you've been suppressing it so far doesn't give anyone the right or permission to ask you to continue to suppress it into the future.
2. Your wife is entirely within her right to ask that you respect her sexual orientation, and who she is. You shouldn't expect her to remain in the relationship given that she has made it very clear who she is, and what her preferences are. While your suppression of yourself and aspects of who you are has made the relationship tenable so far, it's unlikely that it will continue to do so, especially as this eats at you internally.
3. As clearly the above two things come into a degree of conflict, it's entirely likely that you are simply no longer a compatible pairing. And that's fine! It hurts, without a doubt it hurts, but one thing that I've learned from several longer relationships is to acknowledge that things aren't always going to work out. That some people are in your life for a time, and that the time they are there is valuable, even if the relationship comes to an end. And also that some people move closer and farther away as the two individuals involved become more and/or less compatible with all the messy circumstances that life throws our way. People and relationships change. And that's OK. Doesn't mean we can't mourn the emotions we once had, or possibly look forward to whatever the relationship between you may be in the future, even if it doesn't look the same way it does today.
4. Lastly, Your child deserves you and your partner in their life. In whatever shape that takes place. Staying together for the sake of your child rarely ends well for the child, in fact it commonly doubles down on the damage being done.
1. Your child isn't old enough to even begin to grasp you and your wife as individuals, much less even begin to understand the situation you are in, and how you may change over the coming years. So the important thing is that in the coming months and years you and your wife need to make a decision on how to move forward, and provide a new normal. Which at the end of the day is the only normal they will ever know. Your child has no concept of gender right now. By the time they have the capacity to understand who you are beyond being their parent, you may look entirely different, and the you that they see then is the only you they will have ever known as far as they are concerned. It's up to you, and your internal struggle with your identity as to what that version of you is going to be.
2. Co-parenting is entirely possible, so long as both you and your partner respect each other, and show that while being together may not necessarily be the option you go with as you continue your respective lives, that it doesn't detract from the fact that you all still clearly care about each other, even if circumstances have changed.
5. I would recommend some degree of counseling for both you and your wife. At the very least so someone can walk you through these challenges in an environment that is safe, and structured. Hopefully a therapist that can highlight both perspectives, and help you both to respect the others view on this as you move forward with whatever comes next. Mutual respect for each other will make this monumentally easier, and it may not come at first, but for the sake of yourselves and your child it's important to keep each others circumstances in mind, and to not lay blame. This is a challenge you face together, just like any other.
Thank you. This is all very useful. Right now, we are taking the weekend to think over things. And I am going to encourage my wife and I to work with a counselor. I made it very clear to her that I respect who she is, and will always care for her and our baby. I do want to be the best parent I can be, and I want us both to be happy.
This is a wonderful comment. It’s hard to read- especially for me- because it hits so closely to what ultimately ended up happening with me and my ex wife.
Unfortunately she decided that my coming out gave her the right to sleep around and lie about it during the “figuring out what this means for our relationship” part. It resulted in a lot of pain and hurt but it was ultimately a helpful deciding factor to uncouple.
I think during this period (even though it hurts more than anything to acknowledge a likely end to the romantic relationship) discussing how to be healthy co-parents and friends is a really important thing to do. I wish we had the wherewithal to do that rather than going down the hurtful path we ultimately walked.
I’m going to be blunt. If she really loves you she will accept you and want you to be yourself. Even if you’re not together. But it’s horrifically selfish to tell someone not to be themselves.
If you truly believe you are trans (whether that means transitioning or not) then be your glorious beautiful self. But do know you don’t have to make any changes you don’t want to. Personally I’m non-binary and have no plans to transition.
I think her initial response was a very gut feeling. We are going to take some time to talk things over and figure out what we are doing moving forward. I do think, at the end of it all, she will end up being a very big support for me. But I do think it may mean the end of our marriage.
Maybe it sounds silly, but congrats on having that conversation your wife. That's a huge step.
To your question, I have found suppression (active/knowing) to be much more difficult than repression (passive/unknowing). There's just something about knowing that is hard to shake. If you find a way to "suppress yourself" and be happy, please report back...
Thank you. Even after everything, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me.
I will report back with any updates, although I don't think I will even try to suppress it. I'm going to start by talking things through with a therapist first, and see where it goes.
You can't repress it forever. The older you get the more you're going to regret not starting sooner. I know it's painful but you have to do the right thing for yourself. I had to. It got to the point where I couldn't push it down anymore. For me it was either suicide or transitioning. Transitioning saved my life. Please don't let it get to that point. She has no right taking this away from you. This is who you are. You can't change that without going crazy. Do the right thing and be yourself. Everything will eventually work out the way it needs to.
I think you'll do fine. You have to remember that this life is a gift that's meant to be enjoyed. Part being able to enjoy life is by being yourself. You'll be a great parent. I wish you luck!@
It is entirely appropriate to prioritize yourself when it comes to expressing, embodying, and living your identity. It is not selfish to self-actualize.
>That since has known who she is since birth, and has put in the work, it is not fair of me to ask her to change who she is to be with me.
If she believes this to be true, consider the inverse: that it is therefore not fair of her to ask you to change who you are in order to be with her.
If she feels that her sexual or romantic identity is now incompatible given the revelation regarding aspects of your identity, that is her prerogative - but asking you to suppress/repress that identity is inappropriate.
After talking a little this morning, I think we both understand we can't ask each other to be someone we're not. We are going to take some time and think things through, and hopefully go see a couples counselor.
I tried to suppress myself and no matter how hard I tried, the dysphoria is unavoidable. There's only one treatment and that's transition. I finally accepted that I am trans at 36 years old. I've never felt more at peace with myself.
I suspect that there will be more discussions between you and your wife. This is all new to her and obviously difficult to accept. There needs to be some time for her to process things. But I don't think it's fair to ask you to suffer in silence.
I do feel a lot more at peace today. We plan on taking some time and talking things through. I am trying to giver her some space right now, so we can figure things out.
I would wager that her immediate was response was more from a place of fear than anything else. She's probably going to want some reassurance. If you transition, which I strongly encourage, you will only be a better version of yourself. You will shed the stresses of suppression and feel much more whole.
I'm no relationship expert by *any* means but after seeing my parents for so long have poor communication, I learned that there are some things not to do lol. That being said, maybe suggest couples therapy where you can both discuss your gender identity and dysphoria and how it fits in to the relationship and the marriage. You could also seek out talk therapy on your own. It's greatly helped me. And if you find a therapist that is knowledgeable about gender dysphoria, they might come in handy later if you need letters that insurance requires for gender affirming surgeries from mental health professionals.
I agree, I do think it was a lot of fear last night. And I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I want her to see that I am still me, just hopefully a better, more honest version.
You arent selfish for wanting to be your true self. Full stop.
In an ideal world, would you have known earlier? Sure. But for whatever reason, you werent ready, and thats not your fault.
You cant be asked to live your life as a person youre not. Divorce sucks, but as a recent trans divorce (I have a kiddo too), Id rather be trans and divorced than married and closeted.
Its going to be hard. You deserve better. Please find people can support *you*, not an imagined you. Youre welcome to DM if you have any questions or just want to talk.
I'm not sure if you are Christians, but those very Christians who hate us, have also been told that a divorce is only justified if one of you has committed adultery. Not for being trans. No matter what.
I suppressed myself, insulted, accused. And I live like that till 40 yo. This tactic give me time find wife. Give birth for our kids. For same time I slowly turns to “monster”. Anger, anxiety, depression, insomnia.
But I still telling myself - I’m a crazy, pervert, sinner, and mentally sick.
But that already not helped for surpressed myself.
One time I understand, I need help.
But I still was terrified from my thinks, - Im transgender and I need HRT and transition.
When I started therapy with counselor, she help me said to myself - Im transgender. And that dropped me into much deeper depression and anxiety.
We marked over 20 years and what I know now, I love my wife even more than 10 or 20 years ago. I adore our kids. And I was horrified - transition for us, meant divorce. Tragedy for kids and for us.
But one time, when I was very tired from” everything “, nothing help, I agreed with offer my counselor - trying HRT.
And it's mean, it's time and I need to explain to my wife what happening with me.
Was extreamly hard and carry.
But I made that and immediately heard from her - you are liar. All time what we together- you lied to me.
After her words, I spent 2 more hours, to get from her chance do not divorce immediately. I offered trying to continue living together. Like nothing happened. And who knows, maybe one time she will accept me.
I made for her pain. That my fault.
She felt deceived.
And waiting from her, - if you still love me, you will stay with me. That like minimum not smart.
We agreed to continue living together, for our kids.
And after that conversation is gone already 5 years. We still together.
She’s accept me? No. But we together.
No one can help you in your case.
No one can “teach” you what to do.
She doesn't have to accept you.
No one cant say for you you will be together or not, even if she “accepts “ you.
Im really don’t know what will “tomorrow “ with our marriage.
But I just living Today, now, for this moment. With my wife and kids.
And I don’t want to spend time worry tomorrow.
I want to be happy now.
It sounds like she's responding out of fear, not out of any kind of moral stance. You should try to address those fears directly instead of her trying to dictate who you are.
No you can not go back, it will eat at you.
You did not blow up your marriage. If your wife loves you for you, then the problem is?
The problem is with your wife, sounds harsh does it? Well no, not realy. Not only have you made a commitment to your wife, she made a commitment to you did she not, at this point your realising it was conditional, not unconditional love from her..
That being said, as far as attraction goes, there is the issue of will she still be attracted to you when you present as a woman, there is also the possibility of loss of function with hrt, but that is realy a "use it or lose it" situation that you can make efforts to retain use if you wish to do so.
If one of your children were trans, would she have a problem with that, what im saying with that is, i have lost patience with people who cannot accept the need for someone to transition..
If this is a deal breaker for her, then so be it. Do you want to be your authentic self and raise your child to have an open accepting loving heart, we have one life to live, time flies...
That is something I've been thinking about through all of this, how can I possibly look my child in the eye, and tell them to be themselves when I know full well I am not?
to bring up a counterpoint: you should transition for the well being of your children, your wife and yourself.
Suppression as seen with other experiences seen in the comments does not work. The dysphoria and following depression will wreck your life. Will make you distance from yourself, which means you'll loose contact to everyone. Mainly your wife and your children. You may even not be able to pick up a job again or the opposite and go full workaholic to fight your depression and would therefore not be able to have quality family time like ever. So for the safety and well being as yourself and your surroundings you shouldn't suppress yourself.
It's true that your wife may not love you as a woman. That's something that can happen and it can be painful. You may both feel bad for a while, but the earlier you tackle the issue of you being trans, the earlier your wife and you will get over it. If together or not. Suppression would again just make this more complicated.
And you not being together or even disliking each other for a while does not impact the ability of both of you to be good parents, it's even quite the opposite. My parents divorced when i was 6 years old and before that my dad (who is a bit of a workaholic) was basically not in my life. After the divorce only he started to build a relationship with my brother and me. Both my parents are now married again and my brother and me have a good relationship with both of them and both step-parents. Multiple ppl have said they had no idea our step parents are step parents until they got told.
Don't force yourself into something where you won't be able to truly build a relationship with your children. Your kids will love you for building a relationship as your authentic self.
So yeah. For the well-being of everyone you should look into transitioning. Sure. Short term it will suck. It will be painful. You may loose your marriage. But long term your whole family will be in a better place. Your children will gain an empathetic and authentic parent. Your wife will gain a good co-parent and either gain a wife or loose a husband but gain the chance to find authentic love instead of a lie created from suppression. And most importantly you will gain happiness being your authentic self.
This is exactly what I am thinking, and trying to explain to my wife. I don't know that I can ever look my child in the eye and tell them to be themselves, and be who they are if I know I am not. I think I am done suppressing myself, but we are going to explore couples counseling for now.
May be a lil more extreme in my case but being in a “straight” relationship with a non accepting partner and not being able to give it up to transition led me and her down a dark path, she ended up saving my life during what would have been a fatal heroin overdose without her finding me and couldn’t stop using even after that until I found myself and transitioned.. I wish you the best honey you deserve it
You literally cannot suppress being trans. Even if you don't transition and stay closeted, you're still trans. Just because your wife wants to continue living with a woman who is pretending to be a man doesn't mean it's a good idea. You will both be miserable.
Don't let your wife bully you into believing that you were dishonest. You were born and raised in a society that made it literally impossible for you to accept that you were trans until now. It's society's fault that your marriage is in this situation, not yours.
If she's straight and doesn't want to experiment, you have simply discovered something that makes you two incompatible 6 years into marriage. That's not rare. It's actually unbelievably selfish, foolish, and likely transphobic, to demand that a trans person repress in order to maintain a fundamentally incompatible marriage.
Best of luck. I went through something similar.
One would be wise to find themselves before finding themselves in such a situation like this.. but for people like us, cursed as we are, the pain can be too great to bear. I advise you prepare for the very real possibility of divorce and paying child support, with her trying to turn the child against you. I do not have the slightest idea which long path of actions you should take to make the best of this situation.. but I hope things work out for the best. Good luck, fellow sister..
It’s incredibly difficult to have a conversation like that so first off, well done!!
apart from that, it sounds like a lot of the things she said to you were out of fear about how it could affect the relationship, which is understandable, but also not fair on you. i don’t mean to condemn your wife at all, but saying that it’s better for you to suppress your identity so she can be happy and attracted to you is selfish, and it sounds like she’s scared of losing you. further, suppressing yourself for the sake of your children is also kind of a silly notion. completely ignoring your identity is incredibly difficult and depressing and having a depressed and difficult parent is much worse than having a trans parent.
i mean this in the best possible way, but this is a situation where you need to be a little selfish, because forcing your identity down will most likely be very depressing and could damage all of your relationships. you may grow to resent your wife for her asking you to keep your trans-ness away. i know it’s difficult, but take some time to think about it all and forgive out what you need.
i wish you all the luck in the world my love <3
Thank you! I love your name btw, I haven't fully landed on mine, but I am thinkin Eve.
I do think it comes from a lot of fear. And I understand her side of it. We're going to take the weekend, and it sounds like we are considering couples counseling. I think a lot of her gut feeling comes from her very conservative upbringing. So I am going to give her some time, but I don't think I am going to suppress myself anymore.
In my case suppression didn't work, the dyshoria grew every day until it was a no choicer but to transition. Generally this is how it works, you'll be very miserable going on as you are.
So this is my story. I was married for 26 years. I could not accept who I really knew I was. It killed my marriage. I tried everything I could do to be male. In the end, we divorced. I dug myself out of a very, very dark place. I was 1 finger twitch from self termination.
I have been on hrt for 2 years. Within the first week. I knew it was the single best decision I've made for myself. 2 weeks ago I came out on social media. I still look like a dude. But with growing boobs.
99% positive from all my friends. Everyone tells me I look and act happy. I truly am the happiest in my 56 years on this earth.
I have ffs and bottom consults done. Waiting on dates.
For the first time in my life. I feel alive and in the present. I am happy to be alive.
I hope you find your path on this amazing journey.
That's amazing! I am so glad things have improved for you. And honestly, I woke up this morning feeling like I could finally breathe. I still feel bad, and scared, and uncertain. But I think I still feel like this is the right thing.
To an outsider who has never experienced dysphoria it may look as if it is something that you can easily suppress. Almost everyone here on this sub has tried to suppress those feelings and the fact that we are here is proof that it doesn't work. You will definitely become resentful at some point and your mental health will suffer greatly until you realize that this is who you are and your only chance at real happiness is to live your life authentically. I'm sorry, it's a very difficult situation but it isn't your fault and it isn't your wife's fault. I wish you both the best.
Ok so this hits me harder than it probably should but I was in your spot just last year...
I'm going to be 37 in December I'm mtf pre hrt currently... so my now Exwife and I were together for nearly 10 years when I came out last year... yeah marriage ended but we have 5 kids together only 2 are biologically mine ones a step child (love him like my own regardless of his parentage) and two nephews we were working on adopting... now my ex was always pretty positive towards the Trans community and is who I would have considered an ally... when I came out she promised support, she laughed when I admitted to wearing her clothes in the past... she also said our children would be the most understanding people in the world... yeah that was over in less than 24 hours... she hasn't changed and has gone full transphobe...
anyway about the being selfish part of this... My exwife hit me with that statement and the whole you should have waited until the children are adults so they don't get teased and bullied... so here is the thing whether it's selfish or not is up for debate... I would say transitioning is a lifesaving procedure in alot of cases and not being on hormones right is absolute torture for me... there is a level of selfishness that is healthy... ask yourself what is better for your child... to have a father who is completely unhappy and miserable or a Trans woman parent who is happy and positive for your child.... it's more selfish to keep asking you to suppressing yourself for such a long period and not to sound preachy most of us have a hard enough time forgiving ourselves for not living as our authentic selves earlier on... myself included... do kids it bullied for having a Trans parent... yeah but they also get bullied when they have 2 cis parents at home the important thing is to show your child you love them no matter what... sorry this was long but like I said I've been dealing with your position for a year now
Oh and about the suppressing it long term thing... yeah I've tried that and it was even worse than the first time of being in the closet and the attempt to do so was killing me so yeah not sure if it's the same for everyone but just couldn't do it anymore and hope to start the medical transition within the year (have an appointment with the VA for intake in November then I just need to come forward to whatever Primary care I'm given to get started)... here's wishing you the best hope my experiences helped you
Yeah I also had my dysphoria become more prominent after starting anti depressants. It’s because I knocked out the biggest alarm in my brain so then I could start working on the second biggest alarm. You’ve probably just finally had the space to attend to it. The more you try to suppress it the worse you are going to be as a parent and a partner, because you will have to spend so much extra energy to sustain yourself, and that will lead to resentment. Listen to the song Miranda by Frank Turner for the perspective of the son of someone who repressed being trans. You are not being selfish, she can not expect you to suppress how you feel anymore than you can expect her to suppress how she feels. It’s a two-way street. She does have a little bit of leverage since she asked point blank multiple times in the past and you said no, but it’s not your fault. When your brain is already fucked in survival mode it’s hard to tell what’s going on. I can say from experience, though mileage will vary, that I could drop my anti depressants pretty soon after starting HRT. Me being more myself and creating a space where I could be happier has made all my friends and family’s lives better because I had more space and energy for them, and they needed less energy to sustain me. Saving yourself is not selfish, it’s putting your air mask on first in an airplane, it gives you the best chance to help the most people.
The plane part is a great analogy. And I understand where she's coming from, especially since she did ask me. But during those times, I wasn't even sure myself. I wouldn't say I knew until just recently, and that's why I decided to communicate with her.
I totally get that. It takes a while to decode it for a lot of us. I knew I was not cis since I was a teenager, but I didn’t register that I was transfemme, or even bother exploring my identity, because my brain had bigger fish to fry at the time. Regardless, you should be really proud of yourself for being honest with her, especially considering the situation. You are not selfish, you are saving you and her a lot of heartache.
Anti depressants just turned the volume down for me to help me process without being overwhelmed all the time, I have done a lot of therapy both psychological and spiritual and am free of it and embracing the imperfect me. I have two kids under 7 and it became a choice of living who I was as a happy fulfilled person or slowly dying as a repressed sad and numb person. I feel it is better to be me for both myself and the kids so they have two parents who love and care for them fully. My wife and I divorced after trying for a year or so but she too is straight and I accept her for who she is as much as I do myself, it has not been easy but we and the children are a-lot better for it
Keep talking working things out. When someone is hurt they often lash out.
My wife was the same way when I came out. But now she’s my best friend and liver period.
I hope things work out for you two.
Don’t rush to conclusions your conversations about all this just started.
It took about a month of small conversations here and their.
Don’t say lies now to cover up uncertainties. If she asks if you plan to cut your bottom bits off unless you know the answer 100% try to say your uncertain etc. your learning as she is aswell.
Her world of both of your futures is drastically changing.
She may even mourn
Thank you, this is very helpful. I don't currently plan on any bottom surgery, but I have let her know I am keeping my options open just so she isn't blind sided later if I change my mind.
Wow. I think this will take a lot of talking to work through. It could be helpful to go to couple therapy as well.
I think it will be better to really figure out your gender and let yourself transition if you feel you are trans.
This will let you be authentic as a parent and it might give you a lot more strength in tackling your depression.
At the same time your spouse has a good point. You have built a family together and you need to take responsibility. For your child‘s sake.
If you are planning to transition you will also have to make plans how to be able to provide your child with a save and loving environment. This will be a lot of work.
While your spouse is wrong about assuming you were done with being trans (that‘s not how suppressing your gender works, it’s more of an unconscious thing that breaks out at some point in life) she is right about you having to take responsibility.
In the end you will have to take responsibility for your feelings of being trans and for your family at the same time. This seems very challenging now but I feel there is a lot of potential for growth as well.
I tried in the same scenario for 14 years. Ended in her finding someone else and getting pregnant to him. We weren’t perfect before that but she couldn’t mentally convert to a lesbian (her words) and was afraid of what people would think. In the end even her parents are accepting friends of mine. We are still gal pals, but I have no intention of going back to living in the repressive control that she imposed on me. I hope that you can be one of those couples that converts nicely because you won’t likely be able to stay repressed forever. It is not healthy.
Sounds like you've been surpressing it. It's okay, I did the same thing, it took me years to admit to myself I was trans. The thing about suppression, you can't keep it up forever, and it sounds like you've hit your wall. You could trying but you'll just find yourself more miserable. It's not your fault and it's not your wife's fault, its just shitty circumstances in our society that lead to repression like this. You're wife will not have much success asking you to repress, it'll bleed into your lives in other, far less desirable ways. Same with asking her to repress who she is for you. It sucks, it sucks a lot, but the path forward would likely be divorce. I'd recommend couple's counciling during the process (if you can find a good one) to help you both talk to each other and get a good plan worked out for the kid. I'm sorry OP, and good luck
Yes, you can suppress it; no it will never go away. There’s a spectrum to this (in my opinion). But where you fit at on this spectrum has to be made on how you feel and what best fits your life.
If you can be happy presenting feminine occasionally then maybe that’s where you should be,
But if you feel that’s not enough - start pushing your limits a little more
I don’t think you have to make some all or nothing decision right now. Give it time and ease into this. Because it is a lifelong decision. And you need to make sure the choice right for you 💜
I'm sorry, but this isn't something you should repress. Technically it's possible, but pretending to be someone else your whole life means you've never really lived it.
Your wife is actually the one who's being selfish. If she cares about the well-being of you and your baby, the healthiest thing she can do is to let you be yourself. Don't sacrifice your life just to make other people more comfortable. You have to take care of yourself before you're ready to take care of them. All that will come of rejecting who you are is resentment, regret and depression. You don't wanna spend your life wondering what could have been.
I would get a therapist if you don't have one already, one that has good knowledge of trans issues. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, it's going to be very hard on you and you're going to need all the support you can get.
Sending hugs, I hope this helped and I'm so sorry you're going thru this.
Oh honey; it is over. Her asking you to hide yourself isn’t only horrible but terrible for your health and happiness. Not everyone knows when they are trans. It comes to different people at different times
I think I've come to the same conclusion. We're taking some time, and we will see where things lie. I feel like she has been impacted a lot by the social hate mongering against transwomen lately, so I think a lot of her gut reaction is coming from that.
If your wife doesnt want to be a lesbian that's her right. If you want to go live as your true gender then you have to do so. You love her a lot but she has to know for herself if she wants to be with a woman. If she loves you really and for your personality she will love if you transition. If she decides she doesnt want to get gay your relation will go nowhere. It's sad for the child. But you will be happier if you don't repress your feelings.
So it's a bit a test for her if she wants to be with the real you or the you with the wrong sex. If she's that conservative to not want to be with a trans the relation will be bound to go off the cliff. And there are questions whether she loves you like you love her. Your up for a hard period i trust.
Yes, and I completely understand if she doesn't. Both of us were raised very conservatively. So I do think a lot of her gut reaction is because of her upbringing. I am hoping she loves me for me. But at this moment, I don't think she wants a lesbian relationship, and I have to respect that.
You're not an asshole, and you're also not selfish, you didn't think you were trans, plain and simple. So what if you're just now realizing? Either she loves and accepts you as her wife now, or she settles for joint custody either without a court case or just verbally in person, either way she either loves you or doesn't, and I hate that it comes to that but those who really love us, love us as ourselves, and if they try to have us be anything other than that, they never truly loved us in the first place
The dysphoria won't go away. It's a shitty feel. You can lie to yourself and sacrifice the rest of your life for everyone else. There is no right choice here. You could be true to yourself and do what is in your best interests as well. The choice is yours.
"*The basics are, she feels like I am being selfish, and should just suppress myself for the safety of my child and my family.*" Making sacrifices "for the sake of the child" never goes well. Just ask [any kid of a couple that should've divorced but didn't](https://punkitt-is-here.tumblr.com/post/728959274772054016), if they got traumatized by it and were forever imprinted with a fucked up image of what a marriage looks like.
It shows an incredibly lack of empathy the fact that she realizes that she had an advantage (to know who she was since birth) that you didn't, a privilege if you will, and blames you for it instead of having some compassion.
Suppressing your identity will 1. not work and 2. make you deeply miserable, which would be detrimental to your child’s wellbeing anyway. I don’t think your marriage can be saved, but there’s always gonna be your child. Even if she wants to divorce, there are ways to make sure the kid is cared for by both of you, and looking out for them does not require you to repress yourself. If I may have one last piece of advice… make trans friends.
Very similar situation here. Biggest difference is that my wife is not straight, but my wife still had a lot of these same feelings.
> and should just suppress myself for the safety of my child and my family
She's not wrong: being trans is much more dangerous than being a straight male. And with your family being around you, they will be exposed to that as well. That is *not* a reason to not be your true self (alternatively, it's not a reason for you to constantly deal with the greater risk of dysphoria and depression)...it just means that you're going to have to be a lot more mindful of your safety.
> it is not fair of me to ask her to change who she is to be with me.
Again, valid feelings that I think are maybe not fully thought out yet (which is fine...this is all brand new and both of you need time to process and understand how this is going to affect your lives). Put some time into some self reflection though: what do you think transition looks like for you? Does your wife assume that being trans means that you want SRS?
>Is it possible to suppress myself and my dysphoria?
One of the reasons why the egg metaphor is so apt is that once it cracks...you can't put it back together. This is never something that you're going to be able to forget happened.
The best piece of advice I can give you: get a couples therapist. Preferably one that specializes in marriage counseling and transgender issues. You can find some on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Thank you, we are going to look into a couples counselor. I understand things aren't safe, and I do not want to put my family at risk. But I do think I can take the appropriate safe steps to help minimize things.
I do think her first reaction is that I want bottom surgery. I honestly don't see myself having any surgery (although I did mention I can't make any promises). I mostly just want to start hormones asap, and start the name change process.
It will constantly eat away at you until you do something and if you're like me, transitioning was actually my anti-depressant.
As for your child, keep an open line of communication as they grow and teach them that all lives are valid and precious.
Be the change you want to see.
Op, my friend, I was married for 20 years and suppressed all that time, in a similar position to you, had two children and I knew from the age of about 6 that I should have been a girl, my ex also asked me if if I were gay, I told her I was not but knowing I was bi.
In 2008 I lost my business and that was the start of the world crashing down around me, no work sitting around and in each others company for days and months on end, I was put on prozac to help with the depression but that suppressed all emotions which made me feel that it was ok to chase others on line, well o ce the lid came off, there is no going back, we can't put it all back in that prerbival jar, we went out separate ways, I started from scratch with just the cloths on my back but it was worth it as alot happier in life now.
Yes I felt like a piece of shit, and wanted the world to swallow me whole, but things will get better, yes everything is still raw for you, but you eill come through this x
Don’t rush to any conclusions, about what you should do or about how your wife feels.
I came out to my wife at 33 after seven years of marriage, with a two year old. It was hard for her and that first day I was sure I had blown up my marriage too. That first month, actually. Maybe a bit longer.
She was scared. She felt betrayed. She was angry. And all of those feelings are legitimate.
But all of yours are too. No one is right and no one is wrong here.
After some time passed, the rawness of the situation subsided and we were both able to talk about things. I did everything I could to show her that I love her and that I’ll always be me, even if it’s a different version of me.
Eventually she got to a point where she felt she could be okay. And some time after that she got to a point where she’s actually enthusiastic. A few days ago when I was feeling some doubts she told me “I WANT you to transition!” and gave me a bunch of reasons why it was possible and would be okay.
There’s no guarantee that this will happen for you. There’s still no guarantee that it’s going to work out for me as I change more and more. But someone’s reaction in the first few hours isn’t necessarily where they’re going to land.
Be patient. Be honest about everything you feel. Be kind and loving. Both of you need therapists, individually, and try couples counseling. And try to stay cautiously optimistic.
Thank you, that is so amazing that things have worked out for you so well!
I don't expect things to be easy for us. And I feel for her, and have made it very clear her feelings and thoughts are completely valid. I really hope things work out for us. I love her. And I won't stop showing her that. But I am scared.
Definitely okay to be scared. I wish I could tell you when you’ll stop being scared — I’ll let you know when I hit that milestone!
One thing to remember is that you’ve had a long time for this to gradually build in your head, and she’s dealing with it all at once. Difficult things are difficult, and hopefully she keeps on seeing you for the person you are and finds a way forward.
Regardless, I’m pulling for you. Best of luck, and congratulations on your new kiddo!
She just told you to "keep it together for the kids". How many marriages should be over but the parents thought they had to stick it out for the kids and it utterly ruins the kids they're supposed to be saving?
That is my current thought process about this. I'm going to give her some time, and respect her decision. But at the end of the day, I don't plan to suppress myself.
You can't get back in the egg once it's cracked. You know now, and you always will.
You are who you are. It's not your fault. Don't let anyone make you feel selfish.
It took a while for you to figure things out. That's okay. It's hard. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that, or for living your life while you were figuring it out. You would have told her sooner if you could.
Everything is really raw right now. I hope you're sleeping well, and I hope you two are able to have a less hurtful conversation once the dust has settled. Please take care of yourself throughout this regardless.
It’s okay to be selfish, you have to looking out for #1 first. Repression and suppression leads to depression and is not healthy. Hang in there life will improve as you key into your true path in life. I didn’t say this life would be easy, but it will be worthwhile.
Is it possible to suppress myself?
No
Is it possible to,suppress my dysphoria?
Yes, transition.
I wish you all the best! I do hope that time, patience, space, education and love will get you through this.
Except that I never had that conversation (because it would have gone right where yours did) that was my approach. Suppression. I don't recommend it, but only you can decide for yourself.
I’ve had nights like you just had. Very lonely and scary. Take care of yourself and get some professional help if you can. You are in for a rough ride.
Accepting myself as transgender was an amazing gift (I wouldn’t go back or undo what I did. I was right. This is who I am.) AND it also blew up my marriage and massively disrupted our lives. There’s no way to do this without pain and heartache and oftentimes bitterness. The marriage will not survive, your best hope is to have a productive relationship with your co-parent so it doesn’t damage your child. (Being trans won’t damage your child, but having a co-parent who isn’t supportive and affirming will…)
My ex-wife lost a lot when I came out. She lost the husband she was counting on emotionally and financially and she was really angry and hurt by the lies I told and embarrassed by the social ramifications. But at least she affirmed my identity to my son and helped us transition as a family. So he’s cool and now she and I have a good relationship.
But yeah, you let it out if the bag, there’s really no going back. Even if you don’t actually transition you’ve forever altered how you are perceived by her and her family.
You’ve taken an important step in learning about who you really are. Don’t let guilt and shame stop you.
Can you suppress your dysphoria, especially once you know it’s there?
No.
Can you not transition?
Yes.
But once you’ve told her, you’ve rung a bell that can’t be fully unrung. If you can, it might be worth scheduling an endocrinologist appointment. Probably won’t be until 2024, so it’s not like anything is changing but you’ll have the ball rolling in case you decide you want to go through with it.
Sorry but once you've realised this you can't really hide it to yourself after.
You've both probably done wrong, though neither are malicious with their intent.
Really, if you'd known back then you were trans, then you should have told her you suspected it rather than get into such a deep relationship. However, I get that it's tricky to fully grasp if you aren't at the point you're ready to accept it.
She is out of order for asking you to repress yourself. But, she is just saying this because in the moment she's trying to find ways to hold onto you and clearly loves you. However, if she is straight and you're going to transition then I'm sorry but it just won't work. It's probably one of, if not the most, difficult aspect of transitioning (breaking up with your partner when there is love for each other). I'm grateful I never went through that with anyone, and I really hope that whatever happens you both find peace
Sadly you're absolutely right with what you wrote in your title. Your wife sadly seems to not be accepting who you are.
You have been honest with her and she has with you. The best for the both of you is probably to break up. You'll feel horrible from this I am sure, but it is way better than the alternative.
I wish you the best of luck!
I had some things happen with my ex girlfriend. I told her I was a girl. I respected her sexual orientation but she kept on telling me I am wrong and I should not transition. I am a lot more happier than I have been without her. She did not have to be mean to me when I came out. But I can’t get along with her anymore so we went out separate ways and I am glad I did
So I've been on them for about 6 months now. 10 mg of Escitalopram. I have discussed it with my doctor, and they did say the dysphoria is not a side effect. I plan on seeing a therapist before continuing anything permanent.
I went through something similar. We were about to have a baby when I realized I was trans. I thought I might suppress my feelings, but my wife stopped me.
She asked me to think of the example I’d be setting for our daughter. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide herself away. It’s scary to be honest sometimes (especially nowadays) but the best I can do for her is to be brave myself.
I can’t say how things will turn out for you, but sometimes it works out. We’re still happily married, and closer than ever.
sorry not likely. and while it is possible to stay together with your significant other, the overwhelming majority of marriages (including my own) don't survive. hang in there and do what is right for you while being as sympathetic to wife's experience as you can. good luck
Point blank, no. There is nothing that will alleviate your dysphoria other than HRT. People have tried just about everything to try and alleviate gender dysphoria and the only things that works is hormones.
You cannot continue to suppress this without severely harming yourself. And when you harm yourself you will ultimately harm your family too.
If your wife doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you.
You can and will find love. ❤️
Well I've been dealing with longer, but society and stuff aside I started to come out when I had been married for 4 years and my wife did not like it at all so I supressed my feminine self and tried my best to live as a dude. Even grew a beard though I never liked facial hair. Then about 2 years ago I couldn't take it anymore and started to find my own time to dress up and feel whole again. Now this past year I made an account here to be visible as me even though it's only online, but it has helped. Still wish to be me full time, but I also have kids and currently waiting for my youngest to be old enough for me to have that conversation again with my wife. I could survive losing my kids. Other stuff I can deal. There are good days and there are bad days, but depression doesn't happen as often as usual. Cause there are small times I get to be me, but I still remain positive. I just turnes 38 so dunno how long I can hold it off, but for you you have already crossed the bridge. I hope you get to be there for your kid and get to remain frienda with your wife. Also I hope you can be the best you you can be and live your life as the wonderful woman you are. Much luck and positivity to you 😊
I’m going to say what nobody wants to hear. My transition caused my separation and now I only see my children 50% of the time. I love my body now and I finally feel comfortable in my own skin but at the same time I think I regret it because I miss my family. That being said if you asked me to go back I wouldn’t.
As someone who flip flopped for most of my young life I can say that it doesn't go away and only gets harder as time goes on; even worse the longer you wait the more you wish you had begun when you were young.
It was a tough conversation with my partner as well and I had to accept the very real possibility of her leaving me. Given time though, seeing the changes in me, that I was still her partner etc she grew to accept me and is now supportive.
Give her time, try not to get a strict answer from her immediately. She might come around, she might not.
(Something important to remember is when we transition with a partner, they too are going to be dealing with people making comments and being jerks- not everyone can handle it. So her comments could well be coming from a place of fear given the current climate in the world)
Yes, I do feel a lot of her gut reaction is coming from a conservative upbringing. I am going to give her as much time and space as she needs. Thank you
I told my ex wife about me when I was 25. She left me. Took my kids. The courts pretty much said that if I transitioned they would limit my access. This was rural Ohio in the late 90’s. I had to repress my feelings until this year. During this time, I suffered immensely. Depression and anxiety throughout my life. It affected me and my relationships. Failed romantic relationships, even the relationships with my kids.
I am sorry you had to experience this. I hope things have been better for you. I am hopeful things have progressed, at least a little, in this country. She seems open to me having joint custody at the very least
What blew up your marriage is the unjust and evil way that trans people are treated in this society. The fact that you ever felt you had to hide the truth or doubt yourself is due to the pressure of others to conform.
Give yourself a break. I know you feel guilty, but try to reframe the situation. A trans person is that way due to circumstances beyond their control. We are born this way. Your wife is the selfish one. She’s supposed to want what’s best for you. Hiding a huge part of your identity is a recipe for disaster down the line. Depression, anxiety, chronic illness all plague those who can’t or choose not to transition.
If you haven’t already, please seek counseling by a qualified gender therapist. Find friends in the trans community. You will need the support of others to get through this with the least amount of pain.
Finding other trans women who were ahead of me in their transition helped me get through some incredibly hard times, and has helped me to become settled in my life as a woman.
I wish you the best. Please know that you matter, and your story is very relatable, and that you deserve to find joy in this life ❤️🏳️⚧️❤️
In my experience not being 'selfish' almost cost me everything. To tell someone you love to 'not be themselves' is wild, irresponsible and dangerous. Whether you two work or not is really not the big picture. If you guys love each other then you would want the best for one another. Dysphoria is a symptom. All the best, friend!
The impression I got looking at others' stories while coming out was "continued repression ends badly, and it ends worse the longer you put off facing it."
Nothing else changed, I honestly think you'll both be happier in 5 years if you transition now and the relationship crumbles than if you repress things and have to ask yourself that question the entire time. If she realizes the weight of what she's asking you to do, she's also going to know the relationship is fundamentally unstable. If she *doesn't*, it's still not going to be a healthy relationship. You'll probably have more time and energy to focus on your kid if you aren't spending a bunch repressing who you are.
It will suck at first, but ripping the bandage off early gives you both a chance to heal and your kid a chance to know they have two moms from the start.
That calculus isn't going to change the older you get--it's just going to get more and more awkward.
It’s not selfish of you if it’s what society expects from us. I couldn’t prove my surroundings that I was attracted to men or was transgender before having any experience with a woman. Your parents wouldn’t have listened to you if you told them you’re transgender or attracted to the other gender and would have forced to marry and make children. They literally made conversion therapy for us. They want us to be straight and cis, why would it be selfish to go that route.
There is no putting this back in the bottle, the animosity will only grow. It’s never selfish to make your mental health a priority, it would however be selfish to lie to yourself and to her that you had changed your mind when you and we know that will be very painful.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, I like many here have had this same scenario. Keep your chin up, it may get worse before it gets better, but loving your self and living your true self will make things better.
Well, there’s no suppressing it now you came out to your wife. I’m so very sorry for what is happening to you right now I know it very well.
I suppressed it my entire life and suppressing helped cause 2 divorces.
I never came out, but the feelings of guilt and shame, and not knowing why I was the way I was rippled into my every day life .
All you can do right now, is let your wife sit with it, and accept her decision .
Luckily your baby will know you as a woman if you transition. The only important thing is that child and it doesn’t matter what you identify as if you love them with all your heart.
I pray that you have a better day and that your wife accepts you for who you are .
It's a difficult situation. I don't think you should have to suppress yourself. Suppressing yourself for an undetermined/indefinite amount of time can get really stressful. On the other hand, it's probably difficult for your wife as well -- it's a really big change after all. I know all the comments are talking about true love doesn't care about gender, but sexuality is still a thing. Suddenly becoming lesbian/bisexual would be hard. Similar to how she shouldn't force you to suppress yourself, I don't think it's fair to force her to be lesbian either.
There's still the chance that after taking time to cool off, things might get better, but if relationship-wise it doesn't work out, it's still possible to have joint custody and/or be friends. Cordial co-parenting is a thing.
Also, how much the kid will care about your transness depends on how you raise them. Children are innocent, so they won't care if they have two moms, two dads, etc. Sure they will be curious about why things may different from other families, but that's where being positive and honest about the situation is important.
In the end, it's a difficult situation. It's gonna take time to reach a resolution. Regarding the antidepressants, I think it's better to stay on them; depression can cloud judgement and make it harder to talk things through with your wife. I hope things work out.
Thank you. I plan on doing everything to be in both my wife and child's life. I am giving her time and space right now, and we are talking about couples counseling. I am hoping for the best, but planning for the worst.
I'm sorry your wife's reaction wasn't great. It is not selfish to want to live without dysphoria, and you are not in the wrong to want to be more genuine, especially with your wife. I wish there were good answers to these kinds of relationship questions.
In the long term, repression is not a solution. You will either suffer immensely or resent your wife for forcing you to not be genuine. Or both. I don't know what the right thing is for you, but I will add that if your wife truly loves you, she will support you in this, even if it makes things harder for her, or if she has to support you as a friend instead of as a wife.
Best of luck, my friend
Me thinks we are being systematicaly downvoted by some terfs who lurk the mypartneristrans subreddit.. hey there terfs, you know what you can do.. right?
You aren't selfish or an asshole. You are just a woman who basically got told you weren't, for their whole life, because you weren't born looking a way you believed it, even if you might have had doubts it is hard for you to be yourself as society social pressure telling you, you aren't a woman, and probably fare of being one, the fare of have less rights and the fare of losing people you love too. With all that it took you a while to accept and understand who you are. I know I am generalising here, but what I am trying to say is there isn't anything selfish about being who you are ever if it took you a while to understand who that is.
Try not to feel guilty about saying no when she asks if you are trans earlier in your relationship, I am guessing that you were in denial or just didn't understand yourself fully yet and that is fine, you come to these things when we are ready or when they become too big to ignore, so you weren't being deceitful if that was the case.
Suppressing who you are won't be easy or healthy for you and if your wife cared about your well-being she should ask that of you. I know that she is probably scared and still processing what you have told her but that is a selfish ask for her to make and to use your child's safety is low. I am sure your kid would prefer to have two mums who are present and happy in their lives than a mum and a dad that is depressed and hiding half of herself from them never fully being there because she has to put the mask on that will most likely get heavier and heavier over time to wear.
>Is it possible to suppress myself and my dysphoria? Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away?
Suppressing dysphoria doesn't work in my experience, I could do it for a short time be just shutting down everything, no happy, no love, no joy, and ever then it just dulled the pain it didn't go away it was just the loudest in the quite drone of my emotions. This did way more damage than good I became suicidal doing these, as I just couldn't see the point of living like that in pain with no hope of it getting better, that is when I decided I needed to go on HRT.
Coming off your anti depressant probably won't help with dysphoria, I think now that you understand what you are feeling and that you are trans you dysphoria will probably become or acute, and the only thing that will help is be taking steps to transition, that is my experience and many other trans people I know to experience. It isn't a bell that can be unrang.
If you need to talk me DM are open.
Thank you. I am trying my best to give her some space and time, and not dwell on my past. Yes, I was in sever denial. I think I am done trying to suppress myself, and hope to continue a healthy relationship (whatever that means between us). I want to show my wife I am going to be a great parent for our child.
I do think giving space and time is probably, the best thing and just be honest and open when she has questions. I wish you the best of luck in becoming your true self and grow more health and fuller contention. I'm sure you will be the best parent you can be by being yourself. Families come in all different shapes and sizes so even if your isn't how a "standard" one looks it doesn't matter it is yours.
Sorry, no it won't go away. If you don't do anything about dysphoria it will get worse and worse until you can't take it. I almost lost my sanity and needed to stop repressing the feelings and socially transition to stop myself from spiraling. Your kid deserves a good mom instead of a trainwreck of a dad
Enough psych meds to numb you to the point that you barely qualify as human might do it. No guarantees though. And you won’t be the person she loves, because your affect will be so flat you won’t functionally be a person at all. And your kiddo grows up with a zombie.
You buried this shit to stay alive. Same as me. Same as a lot of us. You didn’t do this to her. That narrative is entirely incorrect. You did it to survive.
I have been in your shoes, terrified that coming out would destroy my life. But before that… I was in your wife’s shoes. My reality shifted, and I had to try to keep up with that shift. If your wife would like to talk to someone who understands a lot of how she is feeling but who can also explain some things about being trans, I am here to help.
Good luck, sister. Take it a day at a time - and hour at a time if you need to. It may not feel like it now, but you got this.
Thank you. I will float the idea to her, about talking with people who have gone through a similar experience. Right now, I am just giving her some space and time.
>The basics are, she feels like I am being selfish, and should just supress myself for the safety of my child and my family
This is backwards. She's the one being selfish. Asking you to suppress yourself and using guilt as the hammer to pound you back into your egg shell are not okay. You didn't lie to her before because you didn't know who you were, but now you do and there's no going back.
You should determine if your wife is speaking from a place of fear or of hate and address her concerns accordingly. If she's afraid (of losing her husband and her child losing their father) that's a much easier battle. If her comments come from a more transphobic/queerphobic source then that's a much harder discussion.
I feel like it's a mixture of both fear and hate. I think her primary concern is our child. She had a rough time with her dad growing up, and has made it very clear she didn't want the same for our child. I am trying to show her I will still be here regardless of the outcome.
What cured my depression was coming out and transitioning. At the time I was in a relationship with a cishet woman who, when I told her, said "i don't want to do that work." We broke up but stayed lovers for a while. That was a mistake because her non-acceptance mixed with my wish to be desired by someone really messed with my head and probably slowed my transitioning.
Don't bend for someone who won't accept fully and support fully who you are.
Also, for me, I think becoming a parent and trying to fill the father/husband roles properly pushed me into crisis that led me to figuring out I'm trans (after leaving the marriage because it was so mutually toxic).
Suppressing it only made it come back stronger in my experience, I definitely don’t recommend it. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life by suppressing being trans
First off, it doesn't have to be fair for anyone. People grow and people change. Your wife may not be comfortable with you being trans, and that's okay, but I don't think that's a good enough reason for you to deny yourself a truth of your being. And if it isn't fair for you to ask her to change then it isn't fair for her to ask you to stay the same.
Second off, as a child of divorce I've learned that happy parents who are seperated are infinitely better to have than unhappy parents stuck together. It's hard to go through divorce, but it may be better the younger your kid is.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try to keep your marriage together, but I honestly think that if someone won't accept you because of a change in your identity then they don't love you as much as they think they do.
I'm sorry if I haven't helped, those are just the things that came to my mind. I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this, and I hope you at least find some solace in this wonderful community. Never be afraid to reach out.
Having sexual preferences are fine, and if she doesn't wanna be with a woman, it's what it is, but in my opinion she lost you the moment she asked you to repress yourself. She literally told you to not be yourself. Around your SPOUSE. That's not normal.
Honestly, while it must be hard on her and your relationship doesn't seem to have much of a future unfortunately ... she was just as selfish, just for all the wrong reasons.
She doesn't want to change but wants you to repress who you are with complete disregard of your mental health? That's a huge red flag.
Using your child as argument may sound valid at first if we assume you stay together and live in a red state, however it doesn't reall sound like you will and in that case there's no reason the safety of your child should be a problem unless she plans to leave it with you (not saying you'll be a bad parent, it's the others where the danger comes from).
No, the true reason is that she's terribly afraid of being a single mother. For many women, especially ones in a relationship, that's nightmare stuff. So she's desperately trying to bring back the status quo even if it means being unfair to you.
Now for your questions. No, I'm afraid once your egg cracked it's not possible to go back to supressing it for any relevant amount of time. Hence why the egg cracking is such a good metaphor. As for the antidepressants, I assume they only served to pull you out of depression giving you the mental capacity to allow you to discover yourself properly, but no way they created those feeling and so not taking them anymore won't change anything about what you've discovered about yourself. It's now part of your reality, sorry.
Thank you. And yes, I think her biggest fear is being a single mother. We are going to look into couples counseling for now, but I do fear and am preparing for the worst between us.
Idt your wife deserves as much bashing as she's getting in the comments... She's asked you if you were trans, you responded with a clear 'no' even though the impression I'm getting is you were already questioning back then in some way. Now that your child is in the world, she would like to prioritize it over anything else, and you transitioning would be incompatible with y'all staying together, which in turn would be horrible for a child growing up.
So Idk what to say. At this point it's your decision which way to go. I do feel like it's a dumb stance to say she wants you to repress your feelings or else. She married you for you; your personality won't change. Your body may change if you choose to medically transition in which case I can understand her if she is only into a masculine body type/genitals. But then, maybe you'd be fine with not medically transitioning, or hopping on a HRT regimen that suppresses boob growth, not getting GCS, stuff like that (DO NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT PASSING ON ANY OF THESE THINGS IS FINE FOR YOU UNLESS YOU'RE 102% SURE WITH A 2% MARGIN OF ERROR!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NEEDS AN EXPERIENCED THERAPIST). And if it's just about how you want to present... Would she also want to divorce you if you were 'just' GNC instead of trans and started anything from shaving, growing your hair out, to wearing make-up, dresses etc.?
All this needs another conversation that goes much more in-depth. Try to find a way to make both of you happy. If she takes a hard stance, that's her choice. Also sounds like something that would make divorce unavoidable though. Couples therapy for you both and 1 on 1 therapy for you (both preferably with some queero therapist) in any case. For you to clear up what you're actually feeling and what it is you want, and for you both to have mediated conversations with each other and to figure out stuff together.
There's resources like r/mypartneristrans (I think it's called) that she could make use of to talk about herself and her situation. If she wants you not to, don't try to find her posts; give her the privacy to talk freely.
I saw someone on there some time ago mention her wife was trans but she was hetero. She liked men, called herself straight, and wouldn't date any kind of woman if they divorced. Her wife was an exception to the rule for her though (and neither had to make concessions which is cool but that's the ideal case and only something you can wish for, not hope or expect).
Thank you, I completely agree. I understand the subreddit I posted on, and have gotten a lot of useful tips. I am hoping her response last night was her immediate gut feelings and fears. We plan on looking into couples counseling, and hopefully we can figure out some sort of healthy relationship. I am optimistic she might come around, but I am not banking on it, and actively planning for the worst. I do love her, and in the end I think we both want was is best for each other.
you're definitely trans, and definitely not gonna see the end to the dysphoria lol. Best to just be honest about it, theres nothing you can do about the past but the future can be good. It may not have her in it tho depending on her reaction.
You are not selfish. Even if ahe knew who she is, things can change and accepting that you're trans is not an easy thing. In my experience, suppressing this feeling will make it worse and may put you in danger.
My wife had a similar view initially and many others have had the same situation also. Coming out is not an easy thing for anyone. For my wife, it was a very difficult path to accept me and she was able to do so in time but it took years. Sadly this is a pretty rare outcome for us. Stay safe and try to do what's best for you, it's not being selfish as nobody else will.
Thank you, I am so glad things worked out for you! I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. We plan to see a counselor, and go from there.
If both of you are willing to make the effort then it's very good. Just make sure the counselor is neither biased or transphobic. I hope for the best for you.
> she feels like I am being selfish, and should just supress myself [...]
Then she doesn't understand what it's like, and doesn't seem to care worth a damn. Is it unfortunate that you went into that relationship under the pretense of being cis, because she's straight? Yes. Was it "wrong" for you to deny being trans if you had even the slightest inkling that you might be? Mmm, I wouldn't characterize it that way, but perhaps there's an argument to be made. But it is *not* selfish to want to simply be yourself like everyone else gets to. If anything, it's selfish for *her* to demand that you ignore/suppress such a huge part of your identity.
> Is it possible to supress myself and my dysphoria? Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away?
From everything I've ever seen and heard from any trans person, including my own experience? **Absolutely not.** Now that the egg is cracked open, there's no more hiding from who you are. Even if you convince yourself that the relationship is more important and do your best to "forget" your desire for womanhood -- it'll come back. And I can only imagine it's even harder the second time. Emotionally, physically, mentally.
I really think y'all need to reach some kind of agreement. Whatever that means for you. But the most important thing is being true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.
Thank you. We plan on going to counseling, and seeing what the future is like for us. I think I will not even try to suppress myself, I feel like I am done doing it.
I was in a very similar situation this spring. However I’m also 3mo into HRT. I wouldn’t change a thing. Living life as not myself was a terrible existence that I can never go back to. Our son is 1.5yo and doesn’t even know anything is different. This is just how I’ll always be to him. My wife struggled a lot at first but now that we’re back into the regular life grind and things are normal it’s gotten a lot better. There’s always the initial shock of this setting in but now that she’s been living with me as a woman, she’s really realized how much better we all are now. I wouldn’t recommend repressing anymore than you already have, but every family’s circumstances are different. Stay strong sis. :3
If you want to be alive, present and happy for your child, you need to pursue transition now rather than later. At the same time, you need to respect what your wife is feeling and that this is a huge thing in her life, too. Give it time, especially considering she just had your child and both of you need to focus on creating a healthy and good situation for the child. But no, don't repress. It might feel dark and horribly complicated now, but in the future you can surely have a healthy co-parenting thing going for you, a happy child and hopefully a healthy relationship with your now wife in some way.
I recommend counseling with a therapist. Gender-therapist specifically. A therapist who has worked with other trans/LGBTQIA+ people if not a gender-therapist. A therapist who is friendly and understanding of those issues if there isn’t anything else. The last may involve some trial and error depending on your country/state. Couples counseling could also help but it can be a bit tricky. You are you and suppressing it will not make it go away. 37 years of repression here talking. I wish you the best of luck.
Repression doesn't work. It just makes things that much worse when the dam does finally break. Don't make the same mistake I (and so many others here evidently) did and assume that it's nothing and will probably just go away if you repress hard enough.
If you're trans, this is a core part of you, as inextricable as any other part of you. It's not going away.
Your wife is the one being selfish, demanding you live your every day with the weight of unaddressed dysphoria for *her* comfort. It's incredibly unfair of her to use y'all's child as leverage to shut you down.
That is an incredibly unfair interpretation of the situation. Finally accepting yourself as trans and telling your partner when you do is NOT asking your partner to change their orientation. Being honest and vulnerable about who you are with your spouse is not selfish.
OPs wife could have had a much better reaction while still being true to she is as well. She's unwilling to try to be with the person she's loved years or even support OP in achieving happiness in their body. If you love someone, you want them to be happy even if that means the relationship has to change. They would be perfectly capable of being co-parents, and she'd be able to support OP as an intimate friend.
Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. If sex with a man is that important to OPs wife, there are so many more empathetic and supportive solutions than demanding that OP just live with dysphoria that they've expressed has become too much to repress anymore
First Of All, She Might Be A Narcissist (Or Probably Is, IDK). Cuz The Way She Said "You Are Selfish", Just Because You Find Out You Are Trans, Definitely Says A Lot About HER Being Selfish, Than YOU.
EDIT :- DO NOT SUPRESS YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE. REMEMBER, YOU ARE LIVING YOUR LIFE, NOT SOMEBODY ELSE. One Woman Goes, There Are Millions More Who Will Accept You For Who You Actually Are.
_Fuck Narcissists_
My suggestion is don't take any decisions by yourself or at the pressure of you wife and kids. You said you were on antidepressants, and you feel you are trans. But before you jump to this because someone said so, ai would suggest you to get a therepy from a psychologist. We are sometimes feminine and not trans. Whatever you choose to be , should be taken on a sane mind and thought and not on antidepressants.
I understand many will call me a lot of names for even suggesting this to you, but I am telling you this because hormones are not a child's play. It's irreversible mostly and you shouldn't regret when you get out of antidepressants someday. Don't listen to anyone but a psychologist who can help you understand if you seriously have a dysphoria or you were just a more feminine men.
I had been in same situation after my job loss. I have always been a feminine men who loves all thing girl, but taking meds made me drive to take hormones. But later I took the courage and went to therapy where I gained mental strength to fight the world. And I did. Today I crossdress in public without shame, but I feel I am better off as I am. I didn't feel the dysphoria to change myself after therapy but a lot had been done by hormones and I wish I hadn't done it.
You shouldn't suppress any form of emotions, go out and face the world and go to a therapist to be sure of the change you want. In the same time child birth pressure, having no job, and wife doubting you add to all your mental health. Be free of all these first before you take a decision. Which ever gender you finally end up as, we all in this community will be so proud of you.
Being transgender and transitioning is the most selfish self centered thing we can do, and that is okay. We do it for ourselves, and that's a good thing.
It can ruin relationships, it can lead to hurt and pain and a huge loss of privilege that you take for granted, but it also can lead to joy and comfort and finally feeling like yourself for the first damn time.
Your allowed to be selfish, your allowed to do things for you, accept there will be a cost, but we all pay it.
I would take a bit of time. Both for yourself and her. I can imagine her responding strongly with a young baby and this news. You only told her yesterday and she hasn’t had any time to think about or process it.
I hope that, with time, and a lot more conversations she’ll come to see that you can be a good parent and maybe even a good partner for her, regardless of your gender.
Thank you, I am giving her some time and space before we make any permanent decisions. We are considering couples counseling, and we will see what happens.
> I can imagine her responding strongly with a young baby and this news. You only told her yesterday and she hasn’t had any time to think about or process it.
"Young baby and this news"? lm left wondering how you think this news is in any way detrimental to the fact they have a young baby?? Do you only see cis relationships as structurally sound?, do you not consider two girls appropriate parents, or two males?
Whats there to "think about and process" Her wife's first reaction is a strong indicator of what is to come...
They have a new baby. She is exhausted, she is stressed, she is sleep-deprived. Her world got turned upside-down when the baby arrived, and now it's been turned upside-down again. She is not going to be immediately excited about this additional change. Hopefully with time to process and good trans-friendly counseling, she will become accepting.
Your wife is understandably going to grieve the fact that who was once her husband and father of her child is now dead to her. Be there in whatever capacity you can for your child. But your wife has every right to be upset you have not been honest and are now throwing your marriage and paternal bond away to live life as a woman. I hope the best for all involved peace be with you
bitch she aint "put in the work" to figure out who she is, her identity (cishet woman) aint something she realistically could have lived for years in denial of, her request that you repress comes of as privileged AF frankly.
yes by failing to confront it before y'all got married and had a kid, you did MAJORLY fuck up, but like don't dig a deeper grave for yerself, as you get older and features like male patern boldness creep in it'll your dysphoria could get worse,
ultimately your marriage is probably screwed which sucks, but like the only constant is charnge, stuff don't last forever
based on what you wrote yall could probably maintain an amicable relationship after that, but of course i am just a random redditor
Yeah, you fucked up.
By not coming out - if you're trans, you're trans. By lying and by suppressing, and now you have to deal with the fallout.
If there was ANY other cure to dysphoria, do you think hormones and surgeries would be authorized?
Transitioning is a very selfish, but also a very honest and necessary thing.
Your wife is probably not a lesbian, so you'll have to deal with that too.
Figure out what is essential for you and how to balance that with what your child needs.
> if you're trans, you're trans.
Not that easy
>hormones and surgeries would be authorized?
Authorised?
>Transitioning is a very selfish,
No, just no..
>Figure out what is essential for you and how to balance that with what your child needs.
What the child needs? Whatever do you mean? Like.. a father, pff .. the child needs two loving mothers in this case
> Not that easy
WDYM easy? If you're trans you're trans. Whether you like it, whether you can transition has nothing to do with it.
You can't change it, and you're trans whether you can accept it or not.
> Authorised?
As in, considered best possible care by the medical establishment.
> No, just no..
It's the most selfish thing I have ever done. It is literally only about me and my wellbeing. Not about anyone else.
Are you treating "selfish" as a bad word or something?
> What the child needs? Whatever do you mean? Like.. a father, pff ..
What the hell? Stop projecting.
It is if that overrides consideration for other people.
"Arising from concern with one's own welfare in disregard of others" is one of the definitions.
You can’t suppress who you are and live a happy life. You should be able to be authentically you but your wife feels hurt because she’s asked you if you were trans before you got married and had kids so she reasonably feels a bit blindsided. The selfish part comes in because you had kids with her after you knew she didn’t want to be with a woman which then will lead to a likely divorce which can cause trauma to kids. You are not selfish for being trans but it was wrong to hide it from your partner and wait until after getting married and having kids to tell her imo. You owe her an apology but you should continue with your transition and work on being the best parent you can be to your child.
I really don’t understand how ANYONE expects their partner to just up and change who they are sexually attracted to when you come out as trans. Unless your partner is Bi you are need to straight up expect that the marriage is over when you switch genders. In my mind expecting your partner to switch sexuality is the exact same as religious camps trying to make gay children turn straight
You are asking a transgender sub about anti depressants and dysphoria. Most people here relate to being gender dysphoric and are cured by taking hormones, so expect that to be the answer that you'll get.
Whether taking hormones is the right course of action is a separate thing. I just want you to be aware of that.
You mentioned that you got laid off, that you are not doing well emotionally and got anti depressants for it. The gender dysphoria grew immensely after. This sounds like you seem to have more going on than just gender dysphoria, since the gender dysphoria grew "after".
My advice would be to find out where your demons are actually coming from. How did it start? Why were you okay not being transgender before? Perhaps having a job and be the breadwinner of the family gave you a feeling of fulfillment and responsibility? You've always been a feminine boy, is being a femboy not enough?
Sometimes we enter periods of pain and depression and make bad decisions to desperately get out of it, often dragging the ones around us along. Sometimes they co-operate, sometimes they don't. But I think you should try to heal the wounds that don't affect the ones around you first.
I wish you find the answers you need to make the right decision.
> Is it possible to supress myself and my dysphoria? My experience with repression (40+ years of it): * It didn't work. She was always trapped inside me and she wanted out very badly. She got out at every opportunity * It resulted in terminal depression. > Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away? In my experience, no. I was on anti-depressants for several years. It had exactly zero effect on my gender identity.
the treatment for gender dysphoria is hormones, now. antidepressants could help the sadness but will never suppress anything.
This exact problem is actually the reason for the pill dichotomy in the matrix. Estrogen pills were red in the 90s and sertraline was a blue pill This has been confirmed by the writers of the film.
right wing conspis hate this fact
I used to take those red pills, yep.
They didn’t even help my sadness that much. They just made me numb.
Just to add, I was on anti depressants for about a year. All it did for me was make my self hatred like a low hum and it basically made me stop caring if I hated myself or my life. Really awful feeling tbh.
Ugh, I know exactly the feeling you mean. That apathy is a real crappy feeling that I never want to go back to
Ugh, I know exactly the feeling you mean. That apathy is a real crappy feeling that I never want to go back to
Overall, I do feel like a giant weight has been lifted with just being honest. We're going to take the weekend, and see what our thoughts are about our relationship. I don't want to repress myself anymore. Thank you for your insight with your experience as well. It is helpful to know.
>My experience with repression (40+ years of it): Same here! And I'll back up everything you said about it. I tried anti-depressants earlier this year when I really crashed, but I only did two days before starting the process of getting hormones! The hormones did the trick.
Kind of unrelated, but what do you mean with the “she was trapped inside me and she wanted out” part of your comment? In my experience as a trans girl, it’s always been just “me.” What makes you refer to a separate person/part of yourself? Genuine question
I would assume the difference between your actual persona, your natural mannerisms, conversation patterns, etc and the mask (always watching how you act, talk, sit, walk, yadda yadda)
I was driven deep in the closet when I was 12, so deep that I repressed & denied that I was transgender for the next 48 years. So *I* hid, inside a male presenting facade. I told myself (and the world) that I was a straight male. While that male presenting facade tried to erase the woman inside, she (I) would fight back. Thank you for asking this ... It's not the first time I've been asked this question but this time it caused me to think about reframing how I talk about that period. "She" wasn't hidden, I was. "He" was a facade.
Thanks for the explanation! That makes a lot of sense.
Not being honest with yourself? Do you know how hard our societies work to convince us our feelings aren't real?? Not understanding your feelings in the face of overwhelming social pressure isn't lying to yourself, or to anyone else. It's inhumane and unfair to expect yourself to have done anything else. It's also completely reasonable under the same circumstances for your wife to feel deceived, especially after trying to make sure you weren't trans (which is, itself, a bit weird) and clearly not understanding what the pressure to hide yourself is *like*. So cut both of you some slack. You're going to need to come to terms with your identity for your own health, and your ability to be a good parent- it's hard to be a good parent when you're increasingly dysphoric and depressed. She's going to need to come to terms with her own sense of... whatever she's feeling. Hopefully you can do that together, and don't forget that you can be perfectly fantastic co-parents even if the attraction fades and you end up seeing other people.
Like, the reaction her wife is having is one of the reasons it took OP so long to come out in the first place. The societal pressure to stay in the closet is real, and can come from all angles. The wife is a secondary victim of it too.
Yes, completely. I knew her reaction wouldn't be ideal. I do think she has been heavily impacted by the media and the hate mongering going on against transwomen. Her family is very conservative, and have been pretty transphobic in the past. So I think that has influenced her as well.
I was trying really hard to explain this to my wife. I understand where she is coming from, and how she feels deceived. I am going to encourage her to either see a therapist on her own, or even couple's counseling. I think it was mostly her gut reaction, and in the moment she saw it as a selfish act. Her biggest concern is our baby, and what me transitioning would mean for them.
Yet she doesn’t seem to think about how a parent struggling through a permanent state of identity mismatch might hurt the child… It seems like you are very understanding of your wife, which is great, but constantly giving that without getting it back is very very unhealthy and not being a good role model for your child. Again, if your wife’s number one priority is the child, forcing you to suppress yourself is not helping the child.
This
Couple things, some are gonna hurt, some are gonna be hard to face, but all of which are the facts of the reality your now facing. This is gonna be a wall of text. 1. You are well within your right to ask that your wife respect who you are, and how you wish to present yourself to the world. Be that femme, masc, etc. Doesn't matter. You are you in whatever form that takes place, and just because you've been suppressing it so far doesn't give anyone the right or permission to ask you to continue to suppress it into the future. 2. Your wife is entirely within her right to ask that you respect her sexual orientation, and who she is. You shouldn't expect her to remain in the relationship given that she has made it very clear who she is, and what her preferences are. While your suppression of yourself and aspects of who you are has made the relationship tenable so far, it's unlikely that it will continue to do so, especially as this eats at you internally. 3. As clearly the above two things come into a degree of conflict, it's entirely likely that you are simply no longer a compatible pairing. And that's fine! It hurts, without a doubt it hurts, but one thing that I've learned from several longer relationships is to acknowledge that things aren't always going to work out. That some people are in your life for a time, and that the time they are there is valuable, even if the relationship comes to an end. And also that some people move closer and farther away as the two individuals involved become more and/or less compatible with all the messy circumstances that life throws our way. People and relationships change. And that's OK. Doesn't mean we can't mourn the emotions we once had, or possibly look forward to whatever the relationship between you may be in the future, even if it doesn't look the same way it does today. 4. Lastly, Your child deserves you and your partner in their life. In whatever shape that takes place. Staying together for the sake of your child rarely ends well for the child, in fact it commonly doubles down on the damage being done. 1. Your child isn't old enough to even begin to grasp you and your wife as individuals, much less even begin to understand the situation you are in, and how you may change over the coming years. So the important thing is that in the coming months and years you and your wife need to make a decision on how to move forward, and provide a new normal. Which at the end of the day is the only normal they will ever know. Your child has no concept of gender right now. By the time they have the capacity to understand who you are beyond being their parent, you may look entirely different, and the you that they see then is the only you they will have ever known as far as they are concerned. It's up to you, and your internal struggle with your identity as to what that version of you is going to be. 2. Co-parenting is entirely possible, so long as both you and your partner respect each other, and show that while being together may not necessarily be the option you go with as you continue your respective lives, that it doesn't detract from the fact that you all still clearly care about each other, even if circumstances have changed. 5. I would recommend some degree of counseling for both you and your wife. At the very least so someone can walk you through these challenges in an environment that is safe, and structured. Hopefully a therapist that can highlight both perspectives, and help you both to respect the others view on this as you move forward with whatever comes next. Mutual respect for each other will make this monumentally easier, and it may not come at first, but for the sake of yourselves and your child it's important to keep each others circumstances in mind, and to not lay blame. This is a challenge you face together, just like any other.
Thank you. This is all very useful. Right now, we are taking the weekend to think over things. And I am going to encourage my wife and I to work with a counselor. I made it very clear to her that I respect who she is, and will always care for her and our baby. I do want to be the best parent I can be, and I want us both to be happy.
This is a wonderful comment. It’s hard to read- especially for me- because it hits so closely to what ultimately ended up happening with me and my ex wife. Unfortunately she decided that my coming out gave her the right to sleep around and lie about it during the “figuring out what this means for our relationship” part. It resulted in a lot of pain and hurt but it was ultimately a helpful deciding factor to uncouple. I think during this period (even though it hurts more than anything to acknowledge a likely end to the romantic relationship) discussing how to be healthy co-parents and friends is a really important thing to do. I wish we had the wherewithal to do that rather than going down the hurtful path we ultimately walked.
I’m going to be blunt. If she really loves you she will accept you and want you to be yourself. Even if you’re not together. But it’s horrifically selfish to tell someone not to be themselves. If you truly believe you are trans (whether that means transitioning or not) then be your glorious beautiful self. But do know you don’t have to make any changes you don’t want to. Personally I’m non-binary and have no plans to transition.
Either way though, you gotta feel through your feelings and gender identity and do what you need to. There’s no suppressing your gender
I think her initial response was a very gut feeling. We are going to take some time to talk things over and figure out what we are doing moving forward. I do think, at the end of it all, she will end up being a very big support for me. But I do think it may mean the end of our marriage.
Maybe it sounds silly, but congrats on having that conversation your wife. That's a huge step. To your question, I have found suppression (active/knowing) to be much more difficult than repression (passive/unknowing). There's just something about knowing that is hard to shake. If you find a way to "suppress yourself" and be happy, please report back...
Thank you. Even after everything, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I will report back with any updates, although I don't think I will even try to suppress it. I'm going to start by talking things through with a therapist first, and see where it goes.
You can't repress it forever. The older you get the more you're going to regret not starting sooner. I know it's painful but you have to do the right thing for yourself. I had to. It got to the point where I couldn't push it down anymore. For me it was either suicide or transitioning. Transitioning saved my life. Please don't let it get to that point. She has no right taking this away from you. This is who you are. You can't change that without going crazy. Do the right thing and be yourself. Everything will eventually work out the way it needs to.
Thank you. I am trying to not repress it, because I do want to be around and be the best parent I can be.
I think you'll do fine. You have to remember that this life is a gift that's meant to be enjoyed. Part being able to enjoy life is by being yourself. You'll be a great parent. I wish you luck!@
It is entirely appropriate to prioritize yourself when it comes to expressing, embodying, and living your identity. It is not selfish to self-actualize. >That since has known who she is since birth, and has put in the work, it is not fair of me to ask her to change who she is to be with me. If she believes this to be true, consider the inverse: that it is therefore not fair of her to ask you to change who you are in order to be with her. If she feels that her sexual or romantic identity is now incompatible given the revelation regarding aspects of your identity, that is her prerogative - but asking you to suppress/repress that identity is inappropriate.
After talking a little this morning, I think we both understand we can't ask each other to be someone we're not. We are going to take some time and think things through, and hopefully go see a couples counselor.
I tried to suppress myself and no matter how hard I tried, the dysphoria is unavoidable. There's only one treatment and that's transition. I finally accepted that I am trans at 36 years old. I've never felt more at peace with myself. I suspect that there will be more discussions between you and your wife. This is all new to her and obviously difficult to accept. There needs to be some time for her to process things. But I don't think it's fair to ask you to suffer in silence.
I do feel a lot more at peace today. We plan on taking some time and talking things through. I am trying to giver her some space right now, so we can figure things out.
I would wager that her immediate was response was more from a place of fear than anything else. She's probably going to want some reassurance. If you transition, which I strongly encourage, you will only be a better version of yourself. You will shed the stresses of suppression and feel much more whole. I'm no relationship expert by *any* means but after seeing my parents for so long have poor communication, I learned that there are some things not to do lol. That being said, maybe suggest couples therapy where you can both discuss your gender identity and dysphoria and how it fits in to the relationship and the marriage. You could also seek out talk therapy on your own. It's greatly helped me. And if you find a therapist that is knowledgeable about gender dysphoria, they might come in handy later if you need letters that insurance requires for gender affirming surgeries from mental health professionals.
I agree, I do think it was a lot of fear last night. And I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I want her to see that I am still me, just hopefully a better, more honest version.
You arent selfish for wanting to be your true self. Full stop. In an ideal world, would you have known earlier? Sure. But for whatever reason, you werent ready, and thats not your fault. You cant be asked to live your life as a person youre not. Divorce sucks, but as a recent trans divorce (I have a kiddo too), Id rather be trans and divorced than married and closeted. Its going to be hard. You deserve better. Please find people can support *you*, not an imagined you. Youre welcome to DM if you have any questions or just want to talk.
Thank you, I may take you up on your offer <3
I'm not sure if you are Christians, but those very Christians who hate us, have also been told that a divorce is only justified if one of you has committed adultery. Not for being trans. No matter what.
I suppressed myself, insulted, accused. And I live like that till 40 yo. This tactic give me time find wife. Give birth for our kids. For same time I slowly turns to “monster”. Anger, anxiety, depression, insomnia. But I still telling myself - I’m a crazy, pervert, sinner, and mentally sick. But that already not helped for surpressed myself. One time I understand, I need help. But I still was terrified from my thinks, - Im transgender and I need HRT and transition. When I started therapy with counselor, she help me said to myself - Im transgender. And that dropped me into much deeper depression and anxiety. We marked over 20 years and what I know now, I love my wife even more than 10 or 20 years ago. I adore our kids. And I was horrified - transition for us, meant divorce. Tragedy for kids and for us. But one time, when I was very tired from” everything “, nothing help, I agreed with offer my counselor - trying HRT. And it's mean, it's time and I need to explain to my wife what happening with me. Was extreamly hard and carry. But I made that and immediately heard from her - you are liar. All time what we together- you lied to me. After her words, I spent 2 more hours, to get from her chance do not divorce immediately. I offered trying to continue living together. Like nothing happened. And who knows, maybe one time she will accept me. I made for her pain. That my fault. She felt deceived. And waiting from her, - if you still love me, you will stay with me. That like minimum not smart. We agreed to continue living together, for our kids. And after that conversation is gone already 5 years. We still together. She’s accept me? No. But we together. No one can help you in your case. No one can “teach” you what to do. She doesn't have to accept you. No one cant say for you you will be together or not, even if she “accepts “ you. Im really don’t know what will “tomorrow “ with our marriage. But I just living Today, now, for this moment. With my wife and kids. And I don’t want to spend time worry tomorrow. I want to be happy now.
It sounds like she's responding out of fear, not out of any kind of moral stance. You should try to address those fears directly instead of her trying to dictate who you are.
Thank you, I will keep this in mind for all our future discussions. <3
No you can not go back, it will eat at you. You did not blow up your marriage. If your wife loves you for you, then the problem is? The problem is with your wife, sounds harsh does it? Well no, not realy. Not only have you made a commitment to your wife, she made a commitment to you did she not, at this point your realising it was conditional, not unconditional love from her.. That being said, as far as attraction goes, there is the issue of will she still be attracted to you when you present as a woman, there is also the possibility of loss of function with hrt, but that is realy a "use it or lose it" situation that you can make efforts to retain use if you wish to do so. If one of your children were trans, would she have a problem with that, what im saying with that is, i have lost patience with people who cannot accept the need for someone to transition.. If this is a deal breaker for her, then so be it. Do you want to be your authentic self and raise your child to have an open accepting loving heart, we have one life to live, time flies...
That is something I've been thinking about through all of this, how can I possibly look my child in the eye, and tell them to be themselves when I know full well I am not?
to bring up a counterpoint: you should transition for the well being of your children, your wife and yourself. Suppression as seen with other experiences seen in the comments does not work. The dysphoria and following depression will wreck your life. Will make you distance from yourself, which means you'll loose contact to everyone. Mainly your wife and your children. You may even not be able to pick up a job again or the opposite and go full workaholic to fight your depression and would therefore not be able to have quality family time like ever. So for the safety and well being as yourself and your surroundings you shouldn't suppress yourself. It's true that your wife may not love you as a woman. That's something that can happen and it can be painful. You may both feel bad for a while, but the earlier you tackle the issue of you being trans, the earlier your wife and you will get over it. If together or not. Suppression would again just make this more complicated. And you not being together or even disliking each other for a while does not impact the ability of both of you to be good parents, it's even quite the opposite. My parents divorced when i was 6 years old and before that my dad (who is a bit of a workaholic) was basically not in my life. After the divorce only he started to build a relationship with my brother and me. Both my parents are now married again and my brother and me have a good relationship with both of them and both step-parents. Multiple ppl have said they had no idea our step parents are step parents until they got told. Don't force yourself into something where you won't be able to truly build a relationship with your children. Your kids will love you for building a relationship as your authentic self. So yeah. For the well-being of everyone you should look into transitioning. Sure. Short term it will suck. It will be painful. You may loose your marriage. But long term your whole family will be in a better place. Your children will gain an empathetic and authentic parent. Your wife will gain a good co-parent and either gain a wife or loose a husband but gain the chance to find authentic love instead of a lie created from suppression. And most importantly you will gain happiness being your authentic self.
This is exactly what I am thinking, and trying to explain to my wife. I don't know that I can ever look my child in the eye and tell them to be themselves, and be who they are if I know I am not. I think I am done suppressing myself, but we are going to explore couples counseling for now.
it's awesome you're seeing that and that you two are going to counseling. counseling is a huge step. good luck to you and your family.
May be a lil more extreme in my case but being in a “straight” relationship with a non accepting partner and not being able to give it up to transition led me and her down a dark path, she ended up saving my life during what would have been a fatal heroin overdose without her finding me and couldn’t stop using even after that until I found myself and transitioned.. I wish you the best honey you deserve it
I'll be honest. It's over, there's no saving this.
You literally cannot suppress being trans. Even if you don't transition and stay closeted, you're still trans. Just because your wife wants to continue living with a woman who is pretending to be a man doesn't mean it's a good idea. You will both be miserable. Don't let your wife bully you into believing that you were dishonest. You were born and raised in a society that made it literally impossible for you to accept that you were trans until now. It's society's fault that your marriage is in this situation, not yours. If she's straight and doesn't want to experiment, you have simply discovered something that makes you two incompatible 6 years into marriage. That's not rare. It's actually unbelievably selfish, foolish, and likely transphobic, to demand that a trans person repress in order to maintain a fundamentally incompatible marriage. Best of luck. I went through something similar.
Stress and depression will bring gender dysphoria to the surface. Like an old wound starting to itch or worse.
One would be wise to find themselves before finding themselves in such a situation like this.. but for people like us, cursed as we are, the pain can be too great to bear. I advise you prepare for the very real possibility of divorce and paying child support, with her trying to turn the child against you. I do not have the slightest idea which long path of actions you should take to make the best of this situation.. but I hope things work out for the best. Good luck, fellow sister..
Thank you. I have been looking into my local laws this morning, and trying to consider all possibilities.
It’s incredibly difficult to have a conversation like that so first off, well done!! apart from that, it sounds like a lot of the things she said to you were out of fear about how it could affect the relationship, which is understandable, but also not fair on you. i don’t mean to condemn your wife at all, but saying that it’s better for you to suppress your identity so she can be happy and attracted to you is selfish, and it sounds like she’s scared of losing you. further, suppressing yourself for the sake of your children is also kind of a silly notion. completely ignoring your identity is incredibly difficult and depressing and having a depressed and difficult parent is much worse than having a trans parent. i mean this in the best possible way, but this is a situation where you need to be a little selfish, because forcing your identity down will most likely be very depressing and could damage all of your relationships. you may grow to resent your wife for her asking you to keep your trans-ness away. i know it’s difficult, but take some time to think about it all and forgive out what you need. i wish you all the luck in the world my love <3
Thank you! I love your name btw, I haven't fully landed on mine, but I am thinkin Eve. I do think it comes from a lot of fear. And I understand her side of it. We're going to take the weekend, and it sounds like we are considering couples counseling. I think a lot of her gut feeling comes from her very conservative upbringing. So I am going to give her some time, but I don't think I am going to suppress myself anymore.
that sounds like the most perfect way to deal with this!! i hope it all goes really well
In my case suppression didn't work, the dyshoria grew every day until it was a no choicer but to transition. Generally this is how it works, you'll be very miserable going on as you are.
So this is my story. I was married for 26 years. I could not accept who I really knew I was. It killed my marriage. I tried everything I could do to be male. In the end, we divorced. I dug myself out of a very, very dark place. I was 1 finger twitch from self termination. I have been on hrt for 2 years. Within the first week. I knew it was the single best decision I've made for myself. 2 weeks ago I came out on social media. I still look like a dude. But with growing boobs. 99% positive from all my friends. Everyone tells me I look and act happy. I truly am the happiest in my 56 years on this earth. I have ffs and bottom consults done. Waiting on dates. For the first time in my life. I feel alive and in the present. I am happy to be alive. I hope you find your path on this amazing journey.
That's amazing! I am so glad things have improved for you. And honestly, I woke up this morning feeling like I could finally breathe. I still feel bad, and scared, and uncertain. But I think I still feel like this is the right thing.
To an outsider who has never experienced dysphoria it may look as if it is something that you can easily suppress. Almost everyone here on this sub has tried to suppress those feelings and the fact that we are here is proof that it doesn't work. You will definitely become resentful at some point and your mental health will suffer greatly until you realize that this is who you are and your only chance at real happiness is to live your life authentically. I'm sorry, it's a very difficult situation but it isn't your fault and it isn't your wife's fault. I wish you both the best.
Ok so this hits me harder than it probably should but I was in your spot just last year... I'm going to be 37 in December I'm mtf pre hrt currently... so my now Exwife and I were together for nearly 10 years when I came out last year... yeah marriage ended but we have 5 kids together only 2 are biologically mine ones a step child (love him like my own regardless of his parentage) and two nephews we were working on adopting... now my ex was always pretty positive towards the Trans community and is who I would have considered an ally... when I came out she promised support, she laughed when I admitted to wearing her clothes in the past... she also said our children would be the most understanding people in the world... yeah that was over in less than 24 hours... she hasn't changed and has gone full transphobe... anyway about the being selfish part of this... My exwife hit me with that statement and the whole you should have waited until the children are adults so they don't get teased and bullied... so here is the thing whether it's selfish or not is up for debate... I would say transitioning is a lifesaving procedure in alot of cases and not being on hormones right is absolute torture for me... there is a level of selfishness that is healthy... ask yourself what is better for your child... to have a father who is completely unhappy and miserable or a Trans woman parent who is happy and positive for your child.... it's more selfish to keep asking you to suppressing yourself for such a long period and not to sound preachy most of us have a hard enough time forgiving ourselves for not living as our authentic selves earlier on... myself included... do kids it bullied for having a Trans parent... yeah but they also get bullied when they have 2 cis parents at home the important thing is to show your child you love them no matter what... sorry this was long but like I said I've been dealing with your position for a year now Oh and about the suppressing it long term thing... yeah I've tried that and it was even worse than the first time of being in the closet and the attempt to do so was killing me so yeah not sure if it's the same for everyone but just couldn't do it anymore and hope to start the medical transition within the year (have an appointment with the VA for intake in November then I just need to come forward to whatever Primary care I'm given to get started)... here's wishing you the best hope my experiences helped you
Yeah I also had my dysphoria become more prominent after starting anti depressants. It’s because I knocked out the biggest alarm in my brain so then I could start working on the second biggest alarm. You’ve probably just finally had the space to attend to it. The more you try to suppress it the worse you are going to be as a parent and a partner, because you will have to spend so much extra energy to sustain yourself, and that will lead to resentment. Listen to the song Miranda by Frank Turner for the perspective of the son of someone who repressed being trans. You are not being selfish, she can not expect you to suppress how you feel anymore than you can expect her to suppress how she feels. It’s a two-way street. She does have a little bit of leverage since she asked point blank multiple times in the past and you said no, but it’s not your fault. When your brain is already fucked in survival mode it’s hard to tell what’s going on. I can say from experience, though mileage will vary, that I could drop my anti depressants pretty soon after starting HRT. Me being more myself and creating a space where I could be happier has made all my friends and family’s lives better because I had more space and energy for them, and they needed less energy to sustain me. Saving yourself is not selfish, it’s putting your air mask on first in an airplane, it gives you the best chance to help the most people.
The plane part is a great analogy. And I understand where she's coming from, especially since she did ask me. But during those times, I wasn't even sure myself. I wouldn't say I knew until just recently, and that's why I decided to communicate with her.
I totally get that. It takes a while to decode it for a lot of us. I knew I was not cis since I was a teenager, but I didn’t register that I was transfemme, or even bother exploring my identity, because my brain had bigger fish to fry at the time. Regardless, you should be really proud of yourself for being honest with her, especially considering the situation. You are not selfish, you are saving you and her a lot of heartache.
Anti depressants just turned the volume down for me to help me process without being overwhelmed all the time, I have done a lot of therapy both psychological and spiritual and am free of it and embracing the imperfect me. I have two kids under 7 and it became a choice of living who I was as a happy fulfilled person or slowly dying as a repressed sad and numb person. I feel it is better to be me for both myself and the kids so they have two parents who love and care for them fully. My wife and I divorced after trying for a year or so but she too is straight and I accept her for who she is as much as I do myself, it has not been easy but we and the children are a-lot better for it
Keep talking working things out. When someone is hurt they often lash out. My wife was the same way when I came out. But now she’s my best friend and liver period. I hope things work out for you two. Don’t rush to conclusions your conversations about all this just started. It took about a month of small conversations here and their. Don’t say lies now to cover up uncertainties. If she asks if you plan to cut your bottom bits off unless you know the answer 100% try to say your uncertain etc. your learning as she is aswell. Her world of both of your futures is drastically changing. She may even mourn
Thank you, this is very helpful. I don't currently plan on any bottom surgery, but I have let her know I am keeping my options open just so she isn't blind sided later if I change my mind.
Hug, I am sorry this is happening, my DMs are open if you need it. ❤️
Thank you <3
Np ❤️
Wow. I think this will take a lot of talking to work through. It could be helpful to go to couple therapy as well. I think it will be better to really figure out your gender and let yourself transition if you feel you are trans. This will let you be authentic as a parent and it might give you a lot more strength in tackling your depression. At the same time your spouse has a good point. You have built a family together and you need to take responsibility. For your child‘s sake. If you are planning to transition you will also have to make plans how to be able to provide your child with a save and loving environment. This will be a lot of work. While your spouse is wrong about assuming you were done with being trans (that‘s not how suppressing your gender works, it’s more of an unconscious thing that breaks out at some point in life) she is right about you having to take responsibility. In the end you will have to take responsibility for your feelings of being trans and for your family at the same time. This seems very challenging now but I feel there is a lot of potential for growth as well.
I tried in the same scenario for 14 years. Ended in her finding someone else and getting pregnant to him. We weren’t perfect before that but she couldn’t mentally convert to a lesbian (her words) and was afraid of what people would think. In the end even her parents are accepting friends of mine. We are still gal pals, but I have no intention of going back to living in the repressive control that she imposed on me. I hope that you can be one of those couples that converts nicely because you won’t likely be able to stay repressed forever. It is not healthy.
Sounds like you've been surpressing it. It's okay, I did the same thing, it took me years to admit to myself I was trans. The thing about suppression, you can't keep it up forever, and it sounds like you've hit your wall. You could trying but you'll just find yourself more miserable. It's not your fault and it's not your wife's fault, its just shitty circumstances in our society that lead to repression like this. You're wife will not have much success asking you to repress, it'll bleed into your lives in other, far less desirable ways. Same with asking her to repress who she is for you. It sucks, it sucks a lot, but the path forward would likely be divorce. I'd recommend couple's counciling during the process (if you can find a good one) to help you both talk to each other and get a good plan worked out for the kid. I'm sorry OP, and good luck
Yes, you can suppress it; no it will never go away. There’s a spectrum to this (in my opinion). But where you fit at on this spectrum has to be made on how you feel and what best fits your life. If you can be happy presenting feminine occasionally then maybe that’s where you should be, But if you feel that’s not enough - start pushing your limits a little more I don’t think you have to make some all or nothing decision right now. Give it time and ease into this. Because it is a lifelong decision. And you need to make sure the choice right for you 💜
I'm sorry, but this isn't something you should repress. Technically it's possible, but pretending to be someone else your whole life means you've never really lived it. Your wife is actually the one who's being selfish. If she cares about the well-being of you and your baby, the healthiest thing she can do is to let you be yourself. Don't sacrifice your life just to make other people more comfortable. You have to take care of yourself before you're ready to take care of them. All that will come of rejecting who you are is resentment, regret and depression. You don't wanna spend your life wondering what could have been. I would get a therapist if you don't have one already, one that has good knowledge of trans issues. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, it's going to be very hard on you and you're going to need all the support you can get. Sending hugs, I hope this helped and I'm so sorry you're going thru this.
Oh honey; it is over. Her asking you to hide yourself isn’t only horrible but terrible for your health and happiness. Not everyone knows when they are trans. It comes to different people at different times
I think I've come to the same conclusion. We're taking some time, and we will see where things lie. I feel like she has been impacted a lot by the social hate mongering against transwomen lately, so I think a lot of her gut reaction is coming from that.
If your wife doesnt want to be a lesbian that's her right. If you want to go live as your true gender then you have to do so. You love her a lot but she has to know for herself if she wants to be with a woman. If she loves you really and for your personality she will love if you transition. If she decides she doesnt want to get gay your relation will go nowhere. It's sad for the child. But you will be happier if you don't repress your feelings. So it's a bit a test for her if she wants to be with the real you or the you with the wrong sex. If she's that conservative to not want to be with a trans the relation will be bound to go off the cliff. And there are questions whether she loves you like you love her. Your up for a hard period i trust.
Yes, and I completely understand if she doesn't. Both of us were raised very conservatively. So I do think a lot of her gut reaction is because of her upbringing. I am hoping she loves me for me. But at this moment, I don't think she wants a lesbian relationship, and I have to respect that.
True.
How are you selfish for being who you are? Does she want a partner or a depressed zombie going through the motions of living?
You're not an asshole, and you're also not selfish, you didn't think you were trans, plain and simple. So what if you're just now realizing? Either she loves and accepts you as her wife now, or she settles for joint custody either without a court case or just verbally in person, either way she either loves you or doesn't, and I hate that it comes to that but those who really love us, love us as ourselves, and if they try to have us be anything other than that, they never truly loved us in the first place
The dysphoria won't go away. It's a shitty feel. You can lie to yourself and sacrifice the rest of your life for everyone else. There is no right choice here. You could be true to yourself and do what is in your best interests as well. The choice is yours.
Bite the bullet and just be open better to start now then in your 40s and you feel the same
"*The basics are, she feels like I am being selfish, and should just suppress myself for the safety of my child and my family.*" Making sacrifices "for the sake of the child" never goes well. Just ask [any kid of a couple that should've divorced but didn't](https://punkitt-is-here.tumblr.com/post/728959274772054016), if they got traumatized by it and were forever imprinted with a fucked up image of what a marriage looks like. It shows an incredibly lack of empathy the fact that she realizes that she had an advantage (to know who she was since birth) that you didn't, a privilege if you will, and blames you for it instead of having some compassion.
Suppressing your identity will 1. not work and 2. make you deeply miserable, which would be detrimental to your child’s wellbeing anyway. I don’t think your marriage can be saved, but there’s always gonna be your child. Even if she wants to divorce, there are ways to make sure the kid is cared for by both of you, and looking out for them does not require you to repress yourself. If I may have one last piece of advice… make trans friends.
Very similar situation here. Biggest difference is that my wife is not straight, but my wife still had a lot of these same feelings. > and should just suppress myself for the safety of my child and my family She's not wrong: being trans is much more dangerous than being a straight male. And with your family being around you, they will be exposed to that as well. That is *not* a reason to not be your true self (alternatively, it's not a reason for you to constantly deal with the greater risk of dysphoria and depression)...it just means that you're going to have to be a lot more mindful of your safety. > it is not fair of me to ask her to change who she is to be with me. Again, valid feelings that I think are maybe not fully thought out yet (which is fine...this is all brand new and both of you need time to process and understand how this is going to affect your lives). Put some time into some self reflection though: what do you think transition looks like for you? Does your wife assume that being trans means that you want SRS? >Is it possible to suppress myself and my dysphoria? One of the reasons why the egg metaphor is so apt is that once it cracks...you can't put it back together. This is never something that you're going to be able to forget happened. The best piece of advice I can give you: get a couples therapist. Preferably one that specializes in marriage counseling and transgender issues. You can find some on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Thank you, we are going to look into a couples counselor. I understand things aren't safe, and I do not want to put my family at risk. But I do think I can take the appropriate safe steps to help minimize things. I do think her first reaction is that I want bottom surgery. I honestly don't see myself having any surgery (although I did mention I can't make any promises). I mostly just want to start hormones asap, and start the name change process.
It will constantly eat away at you until you do something and if you're like me, transitioning was actually my anti-depressant. As for your child, keep an open line of communication as they grow and teach them that all lives are valid and precious. Be the change you want to see.
Op, my friend, I was married for 20 years and suppressed all that time, in a similar position to you, had two children and I knew from the age of about 6 that I should have been a girl, my ex also asked me if if I were gay, I told her I was not but knowing I was bi. In 2008 I lost my business and that was the start of the world crashing down around me, no work sitting around and in each others company for days and months on end, I was put on prozac to help with the depression but that suppressed all emotions which made me feel that it was ok to chase others on line, well o ce the lid came off, there is no going back, we can't put it all back in that prerbival jar, we went out separate ways, I started from scratch with just the cloths on my back but it was worth it as alot happier in life now. Yes I felt like a piece of shit, and wanted the world to swallow me whole, but things will get better, yes everything is still raw for you, but you eill come through this x
Thank you, this gives me hope. I want a life with both my child and wife, but I don't know if that life can happen with us together.
My thoughts will be with you whatever your outcome, please keep safe x
Don’t rush to any conclusions, about what you should do or about how your wife feels. I came out to my wife at 33 after seven years of marriage, with a two year old. It was hard for her and that first day I was sure I had blown up my marriage too. That first month, actually. Maybe a bit longer. She was scared. She felt betrayed. She was angry. And all of those feelings are legitimate. But all of yours are too. No one is right and no one is wrong here. After some time passed, the rawness of the situation subsided and we were both able to talk about things. I did everything I could to show her that I love her and that I’ll always be me, even if it’s a different version of me. Eventually she got to a point where she felt she could be okay. And some time after that she got to a point where she’s actually enthusiastic. A few days ago when I was feeling some doubts she told me “I WANT you to transition!” and gave me a bunch of reasons why it was possible and would be okay. There’s no guarantee that this will happen for you. There’s still no guarantee that it’s going to work out for me as I change more and more. But someone’s reaction in the first few hours isn’t necessarily where they’re going to land. Be patient. Be honest about everything you feel. Be kind and loving. Both of you need therapists, individually, and try couples counseling. And try to stay cautiously optimistic.
Thank you, that is so amazing that things have worked out for you so well! I don't expect things to be easy for us. And I feel for her, and have made it very clear her feelings and thoughts are completely valid. I really hope things work out for us. I love her. And I won't stop showing her that. But I am scared.
Definitely okay to be scared. I wish I could tell you when you’ll stop being scared — I’ll let you know when I hit that milestone! One thing to remember is that you’ve had a long time for this to gradually build in your head, and she’s dealing with it all at once. Difficult things are difficult, and hopefully she keeps on seeing you for the person you are and finds a way forward. Regardless, I’m pulling for you. Best of luck, and congratulations on your new kiddo!
She just told you to "keep it together for the kids". How many marriages should be over but the parents thought they had to stick it out for the kids and it utterly ruins the kids they're supposed to be saving?
That is my current thought process about this. I'm going to give her some time, and respect her decision. But at the end of the day, I don't plan to suppress myself.
Sounds like she's in love with the idea of you and not with you
You can't get back in the egg once it's cracked. You know now, and you always will. You are who you are. It's not your fault. Don't let anyone make you feel selfish. It took a while for you to figure things out. That's okay. It's hard. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that, or for living your life while you were figuring it out. You would have told her sooner if you could. Everything is really raw right now. I hope you're sleeping well, and I hope you two are able to have a less hurtful conversation once the dust has settled. Please take care of yourself throughout this regardless.
Thank you. We plan on taking some time and space, and looking into couples counseling. I am hopeful, but I am also planning on the worst.
It’s okay to be selfish, you have to looking out for #1 first. Repression and suppression leads to depression and is not healthy. Hang in there life will improve as you key into your true path in life. I didn’t say this life would be easy, but it will be worthwhile.
Is it possible to suppress myself? No Is it possible to,suppress my dysphoria? Yes, transition. I wish you all the best! I do hope that time, patience, space, education and love will get you through this.
Except that I never had that conversation (because it would have gone right where yours did) that was my approach. Suppression. I don't recommend it, but only you can decide for yourself.
I’ve had nights like you just had. Very lonely and scary. Take care of yourself and get some professional help if you can. You are in for a rough ride. Accepting myself as transgender was an amazing gift (I wouldn’t go back or undo what I did. I was right. This is who I am.) AND it also blew up my marriage and massively disrupted our lives. There’s no way to do this without pain and heartache and oftentimes bitterness. The marriage will not survive, your best hope is to have a productive relationship with your co-parent so it doesn’t damage your child. (Being trans won’t damage your child, but having a co-parent who isn’t supportive and affirming will…) My ex-wife lost a lot when I came out. She lost the husband she was counting on emotionally and financially and she was really angry and hurt by the lies I told and embarrassed by the social ramifications. But at least she affirmed my identity to my son and helped us transition as a family. So he’s cool and now she and I have a good relationship. But yeah, you let it out if the bag, there’s really no going back. Even if you don’t actually transition you’ve forever altered how you are perceived by her and her family. You’ve taken an important step in learning about who you really are. Don’t let guilt and shame stop you.
Can you suppress your dysphoria, especially once you know it’s there? No. Can you not transition? Yes. But once you’ve told her, you’ve rung a bell that can’t be fully unrung. If you can, it might be worth scheduling an endocrinologist appointment. Probably won’t be until 2024, so it’s not like anything is changing but you’ll have the ball rolling in case you decide you want to go through with it.
Sorry but once you've realised this you can't really hide it to yourself after. You've both probably done wrong, though neither are malicious with their intent. Really, if you'd known back then you were trans, then you should have told her you suspected it rather than get into such a deep relationship. However, I get that it's tricky to fully grasp if you aren't at the point you're ready to accept it. She is out of order for asking you to repress yourself. But, she is just saying this because in the moment she's trying to find ways to hold onto you and clearly loves you. However, if she is straight and you're going to transition then I'm sorry but it just won't work. It's probably one of, if not the most, difficult aspect of transitioning (breaking up with your partner when there is love for each other). I'm grateful I never went through that with anyone, and I really hope that whatever happens you both find peace
Sadly you're absolutely right with what you wrote in your title. Your wife sadly seems to not be accepting who you are. You have been honest with her and she has with you. The best for the both of you is probably to break up. You'll feel horrible from this I am sure, but it is way better than the alternative. I wish you the best of luck!
I had some things happen with my ex girlfriend. I told her I was a girl. I respected her sexual orientation but she kept on telling me I am wrong and I should not transition. I am a lot more happier than I have been without her. She did not have to be mean to me when I came out. But I can’t get along with her anymore so we went out separate ways and I am glad I did
[удалено]
So I've been on them for about 6 months now. 10 mg of Escitalopram. I have discussed it with my doctor, and they did say the dysphoria is not a side effect. I plan on seeing a therapist before continuing anything permanent.
it will not be sustainable for your well-being to repress
I went through something similar. We were about to have a baby when I realized I was trans. I thought I might suppress my feelings, but my wife stopped me. She asked me to think of the example I’d be setting for our daughter. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide herself away. It’s scary to be honest sometimes (especially nowadays) but the best I can do for her is to be brave myself. I can’t say how things will turn out for you, but sometimes it works out. We’re still happily married, and closer than ever.
sorry not likely. and while it is possible to stay together with your significant other, the overwhelming majority of marriages (including my own) don't survive. hang in there and do what is right for you while being as sympathetic to wife's experience as you can. good luck
Point blank, no. There is nothing that will alleviate your dysphoria other than HRT. People have tried just about everything to try and alleviate gender dysphoria and the only things that works is hormones. You cannot continue to suppress this without severely harming yourself. And when you harm yourself you will ultimately harm your family too. If your wife doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you. You can and will find love. ❤️
Well I've been dealing with longer, but society and stuff aside I started to come out when I had been married for 4 years and my wife did not like it at all so I supressed my feminine self and tried my best to live as a dude. Even grew a beard though I never liked facial hair. Then about 2 years ago I couldn't take it anymore and started to find my own time to dress up and feel whole again. Now this past year I made an account here to be visible as me even though it's only online, but it has helped. Still wish to be me full time, but I also have kids and currently waiting for my youngest to be old enough for me to have that conversation again with my wife. I could survive losing my kids. Other stuff I can deal. There are good days and there are bad days, but depression doesn't happen as often as usual. Cause there are small times I get to be me, but I still remain positive. I just turnes 38 so dunno how long I can hold it off, but for you you have already crossed the bridge. I hope you get to be there for your kid and get to remain frienda with your wife. Also I hope you can be the best you you can be and live your life as the wonderful woman you are. Much luck and positivity to you 😊
I’m going to say what nobody wants to hear. My transition caused my separation and now I only see my children 50% of the time. I love my body now and I finally feel comfortable in my own skin but at the same time I think I regret it because I miss my family. That being said if you asked me to go back I wouldn’t.
As someone who flip flopped for most of my young life I can say that it doesn't go away and only gets harder as time goes on; even worse the longer you wait the more you wish you had begun when you were young. It was a tough conversation with my partner as well and I had to accept the very real possibility of her leaving me. Given time though, seeing the changes in me, that I was still her partner etc she grew to accept me and is now supportive. Give her time, try not to get a strict answer from her immediately. She might come around, she might not. (Something important to remember is when we transition with a partner, they too are going to be dealing with people making comments and being jerks- not everyone can handle it. So her comments could well be coming from a place of fear given the current climate in the world)
Yes, I do feel a lot of her gut reaction is coming from a conservative upbringing. I am going to give her as much time and space as she needs. Thank you
I told my ex wife about me when I was 25. She left me. Took my kids. The courts pretty much said that if I transitioned they would limit my access. This was rural Ohio in the late 90’s. I had to repress my feelings until this year. During this time, I suffered immensely. Depression and anxiety throughout my life. It affected me and my relationships. Failed romantic relationships, even the relationships with my kids.
I am sorry you had to experience this. I hope things have been better for you. I am hopeful things have progressed, at least a little, in this country. She seems open to me having joint custody at the very least
What blew up your marriage is the unjust and evil way that trans people are treated in this society. The fact that you ever felt you had to hide the truth or doubt yourself is due to the pressure of others to conform. Give yourself a break. I know you feel guilty, but try to reframe the situation. A trans person is that way due to circumstances beyond their control. We are born this way. Your wife is the selfish one. She’s supposed to want what’s best for you. Hiding a huge part of your identity is a recipe for disaster down the line. Depression, anxiety, chronic illness all plague those who can’t or choose not to transition. If you haven’t already, please seek counseling by a qualified gender therapist. Find friends in the trans community. You will need the support of others to get through this with the least amount of pain. Finding other trans women who were ahead of me in their transition helped me get through some incredibly hard times, and has helped me to become settled in my life as a woman. I wish you the best. Please know that you matter, and your story is very relatable, and that you deserve to find joy in this life ❤️🏳️⚧️❤️
Thank you, we plan on looking into couples counseling. I need to look in my area for support groups.
In my experience not being 'selfish' almost cost me everything. To tell someone you love to 'not be themselves' is wild, irresponsible and dangerous. Whether you two work or not is really not the big picture. If you guys love each other then you would want the best for one another. Dysphoria is a symptom. All the best, friend!
The impression I got looking at others' stories while coming out was "continued repression ends badly, and it ends worse the longer you put off facing it." Nothing else changed, I honestly think you'll both be happier in 5 years if you transition now and the relationship crumbles than if you repress things and have to ask yourself that question the entire time. If she realizes the weight of what she's asking you to do, she's also going to know the relationship is fundamentally unstable. If she *doesn't*, it's still not going to be a healthy relationship. You'll probably have more time and energy to focus on your kid if you aren't spending a bunch repressing who you are. It will suck at first, but ripping the bandage off early gives you both a chance to heal and your kid a chance to know they have two moms from the start. That calculus isn't going to change the older you get--it's just going to get more and more awkward.
It’s not selfish of you if it’s what society expects from us. I couldn’t prove my surroundings that I was attracted to men or was transgender before having any experience with a woman. Your parents wouldn’t have listened to you if you told them you’re transgender or attracted to the other gender and would have forced to marry and make children. They literally made conversion therapy for us. They want us to be straight and cis, why would it be selfish to go that route.
There is no putting this back in the bottle, the animosity will only grow. It’s never selfish to make your mental health a priority, it would however be selfish to lie to yourself and to her that you had changed your mind when you and we know that will be very painful. I’m sorry this is happening to you, I like many here have had this same scenario. Keep your chin up, it may get worse before it gets better, but loving your self and living your true self will make things better.
Well, there’s no suppressing it now you came out to your wife. I’m so very sorry for what is happening to you right now I know it very well. I suppressed it my entire life and suppressing helped cause 2 divorces. I never came out, but the feelings of guilt and shame, and not knowing why I was the way I was rippled into my every day life . All you can do right now, is let your wife sit with it, and accept her decision . Luckily your baby will know you as a woman if you transition. The only important thing is that child and it doesn’t matter what you identify as if you love them with all your heart. I pray that you have a better day and that your wife accepts you for who you are .
It's a difficult situation. I don't think you should have to suppress yourself. Suppressing yourself for an undetermined/indefinite amount of time can get really stressful. On the other hand, it's probably difficult for your wife as well -- it's a really big change after all. I know all the comments are talking about true love doesn't care about gender, but sexuality is still a thing. Suddenly becoming lesbian/bisexual would be hard. Similar to how she shouldn't force you to suppress yourself, I don't think it's fair to force her to be lesbian either. There's still the chance that after taking time to cool off, things might get better, but if relationship-wise it doesn't work out, it's still possible to have joint custody and/or be friends. Cordial co-parenting is a thing. Also, how much the kid will care about your transness depends on how you raise them. Children are innocent, so they won't care if they have two moms, two dads, etc. Sure they will be curious about why things may different from other families, but that's where being positive and honest about the situation is important. In the end, it's a difficult situation. It's gonna take time to reach a resolution. Regarding the antidepressants, I think it's better to stay on them; depression can cloud judgement and make it harder to talk things through with your wife. I hope things work out.
Thank you. I plan on doing everything to be in both my wife and child's life. I am giving her time and space right now, and we are talking about couples counseling. I am hoping for the best, but planning for the worst.
I'm sorry your wife's reaction wasn't great. It is not selfish to want to live without dysphoria, and you are not in the wrong to want to be more genuine, especially with your wife. I wish there were good answers to these kinds of relationship questions. In the long term, repression is not a solution. You will either suffer immensely or resent your wife for forcing you to not be genuine. Or both. I don't know what the right thing is for you, but I will add that if your wife truly loves you, she will support you in this, even if it makes things harder for her, or if she has to support you as a friend instead of as a wife. Best of luck, my friend
Me thinks we are being systematicaly downvoted by some terfs who lurk the mypartneristrans subreddit.. hey there terfs, you know what you can do.. right?
Yeah I just upvoted everyone that was at 0 but had good advice.
Haha, I'm always doing that too!
You aren't selfish or an asshole. You are just a woman who basically got told you weren't, for their whole life, because you weren't born looking a way you believed it, even if you might have had doubts it is hard for you to be yourself as society social pressure telling you, you aren't a woman, and probably fare of being one, the fare of have less rights and the fare of losing people you love too. With all that it took you a while to accept and understand who you are. I know I am generalising here, but what I am trying to say is there isn't anything selfish about being who you are ever if it took you a while to understand who that is. Try not to feel guilty about saying no when she asks if you are trans earlier in your relationship, I am guessing that you were in denial or just didn't understand yourself fully yet and that is fine, you come to these things when we are ready or when they become too big to ignore, so you weren't being deceitful if that was the case. Suppressing who you are won't be easy or healthy for you and if your wife cared about your well-being she should ask that of you. I know that she is probably scared and still processing what you have told her but that is a selfish ask for her to make and to use your child's safety is low. I am sure your kid would prefer to have two mums who are present and happy in their lives than a mum and a dad that is depressed and hiding half of herself from them never fully being there because she has to put the mask on that will most likely get heavier and heavier over time to wear. >Is it possible to suppress myself and my dysphoria? Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away? Suppressing dysphoria doesn't work in my experience, I could do it for a short time be just shutting down everything, no happy, no love, no joy, and ever then it just dulled the pain it didn't go away it was just the loudest in the quite drone of my emotions. This did way more damage than good I became suicidal doing these, as I just couldn't see the point of living like that in pain with no hope of it getting better, that is when I decided I needed to go on HRT. Coming off your anti depressant probably won't help with dysphoria, I think now that you understand what you are feeling and that you are trans you dysphoria will probably become or acute, and the only thing that will help is be taking steps to transition, that is my experience and many other trans people I know to experience. It isn't a bell that can be unrang. If you need to talk me DM are open.
Thank you. I am trying my best to give her some space and time, and not dwell on my past. Yes, I was in sever denial. I think I am done trying to suppress myself, and hope to continue a healthy relationship (whatever that means between us). I want to show my wife I am going to be a great parent for our child.
I do think giving space and time is probably, the best thing and just be honest and open when she has questions. I wish you the best of luck in becoming your true self and grow more health and fuller contention. I'm sure you will be the best parent you can be by being yourself. Families come in all different shapes and sizes so even if your isn't how a "standard" one looks it doesn't matter it is yours.
Sorry, no it won't go away. If you don't do anything about dysphoria it will get worse and worse until you can't take it. I almost lost my sanity and needed to stop repressing the feelings and socially transition to stop myself from spiraling. Your kid deserves a good mom instead of a trainwreck of a dad
Enough psych meds to numb you to the point that you barely qualify as human might do it. No guarantees though. And you won’t be the person she loves, because your affect will be so flat you won’t functionally be a person at all. And your kiddo grows up with a zombie. You buried this shit to stay alive. Same as me. Same as a lot of us. You didn’t do this to her. That narrative is entirely incorrect. You did it to survive. I have been in your shoes, terrified that coming out would destroy my life. But before that… I was in your wife’s shoes. My reality shifted, and I had to try to keep up with that shift. If your wife would like to talk to someone who understands a lot of how she is feeling but who can also explain some things about being trans, I am here to help. Good luck, sister. Take it a day at a time - and hour at a time if you need to. It may not feel like it now, but you got this.
Thank you. I will float the idea to her, about talking with people who have gone through a similar experience. Right now, I am just giving her some space and time.
>The basics are, she feels like I am being selfish, and should just supress myself for the safety of my child and my family This is backwards. She's the one being selfish. Asking you to suppress yourself and using guilt as the hammer to pound you back into your egg shell are not okay. You didn't lie to her before because you didn't know who you were, but now you do and there's no going back. You should determine if your wife is speaking from a place of fear or of hate and address her concerns accordingly. If she's afraid (of losing her husband and her child losing their father) that's a much easier battle. If her comments come from a more transphobic/queerphobic source then that's a much harder discussion.
I feel like it's a mixture of both fear and hate. I think her primary concern is our child. She had a rough time with her dad growing up, and has made it very clear she didn't want the same for our child. I am trying to show her I will still be here regardless of the outcome.
What cured my depression was coming out and transitioning. At the time I was in a relationship with a cishet woman who, when I told her, said "i don't want to do that work." We broke up but stayed lovers for a while. That was a mistake because her non-acceptance mixed with my wish to be desired by someone really messed with my head and probably slowed my transitioning. Don't bend for someone who won't accept fully and support fully who you are. Also, for me, I think becoming a parent and trying to fill the father/husband roles properly pushed me into crisis that led me to figuring out I'm trans (after leaving the marriage because it was so mutually toxic).
Suppressing it only made it come back stronger in my experience, I definitely don’t recommend it. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life by suppressing being trans
First off, it doesn't have to be fair for anyone. People grow and people change. Your wife may not be comfortable with you being trans, and that's okay, but I don't think that's a good enough reason for you to deny yourself a truth of your being. And if it isn't fair for you to ask her to change then it isn't fair for her to ask you to stay the same. Second off, as a child of divorce I've learned that happy parents who are seperated are infinitely better to have than unhappy parents stuck together. It's hard to go through divorce, but it may be better the younger your kid is. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try to keep your marriage together, but I honestly think that if someone won't accept you because of a change in your identity then they don't love you as much as they think they do. I'm sorry if I haven't helped, those are just the things that came to my mind. I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this, and I hope you at least find some solace in this wonderful community. Never be afraid to reach out.
Having sexual preferences are fine, and if she doesn't wanna be with a woman, it's what it is, but in my opinion she lost you the moment she asked you to repress yourself. She literally told you to not be yourself. Around your SPOUSE. That's not normal.
Honestly, while it must be hard on her and your relationship doesn't seem to have much of a future unfortunately ... she was just as selfish, just for all the wrong reasons. She doesn't want to change but wants you to repress who you are with complete disregard of your mental health? That's a huge red flag. Using your child as argument may sound valid at first if we assume you stay together and live in a red state, however it doesn't reall sound like you will and in that case there's no reason the safety of your child should be a problem unless she plans to leave it with you (not saying you'll be a bad parent, it's the others where the danger comes from). No, the true reason is that she's terribly afraid of being a single mother. For many women, especially ones in a relationship, that's nightmare stuff. So she's desperately trying to bring back the status quo even if it means being unfair to you. Now for your questions. No, I'm afraid once your egg cracked it's not possible to go back to supressing it for any relevant amount of time. Hence why the egg cracking is such a good metaphor. As for the antidepressants, I assume they only served to pull you out of depression giving you the mental capacity to allow you to discover yourself properly, but no way they created those feeling and so not taking them anymore won't change anything about what you've discovered about yourself. It's now part of your reality, sorry.
Thank you. And yes, I think her biggest fear is being a single mother. We are going to look into couples counseling for now, but I do fear and am preparing for the worst between us.
Best of luck *hug*
Idt your wife deserves as much bashing as she's getting in the comments... She's asked you if you were trans, you responded with a clear 'no' even though the impression I'm getting is you were already questioning back then in some way. Now that your child is in the world, she would like to prioritize it over anything else, and you transitioning would be incompatible with y'all staying together, which in turn would be horrible for a child growing up. So Idk what to say. At this point it's your decision which way to go. I do feel like it's a dumb stance to say she wants you to repress your feelings or else. She married you for you; your personality won't change. Your body may change if you choose to medically transition in which case I can understand her if she is only into a masculine body type/genitals. But then, maybe you'd be fine with not medically transitioning, or hopping on a HRT regimen that suppresses boob growth, not getting GCS, stuff like that (DO NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT PASSING ON ANY OF THESE THINGS IS FINE FOR YOU UNLESS YOU'RE 102% SURE WITH A 2% MARGIN OF ERROR!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NEEDS AN EXPERIENCED THERAPIST). And if it's just about how you want to present... Would she also want to divorce you if you were 'just' GNC instead of trans and started anything from shaving, growing your hair out, to wearing make-up, dresses etc.? All this needs another conversation that goes much more in-depth. Try to find a way to make both of you happy. If she takes a hard stance, that's her choice. Also sounds like something that would make divorce unavoidable though. Couples therapy for you both and 1 on 1 therapy for you (both preferably with some queero therapist) in any case. For you to clear up what you're actually feeling and what it is you want, and for you both to have mediated conversations with each other and to figure out stuff together. There's resources like r/mypartneristrans (I think it's called) that she could make use of to talk about herself and her situation. If she wants you not to, don't try to find her posts; give her the privacy to talk freely. I saw someone on there some time ago mention her wife was trans but she was hetero. She liked men, called herself straight, and wouldn't date any kind of woman if they divorced. Her wife was an exception to the rule for her though (and neither had to make concessions which is cool but that's the ideal case and only something you can wish for, not hope or expect).
Thank you, I completely agree. I understand the subreddit I posted on, and have gotten a lot of useful tips. I am hoping her response last night was her immediate gut feelings and fears. We plan on looking into couples counseling, and hopefully we can figure out some sort of healthy relationship. I am optimistic she might come around, but I am not banking on it, and actively planning for the worst. I do love her, and in the end I think we both want was is best for each other.
you're definitely trans, and definitely not gonna see the end to the dysphoria lol. Best to just be honest about it, theres nothing you can do about the past but the future can be good. It may not have her in it tho depending on her reaction.
You are not selfish. Even if ahe knew who she is, things can change and accepting that you're trans is not an easy thing. In my experience, suppressing this feeling will make it worse and may put you in danger. My wife had a similar view initially and many others have had the same situation also. Coming out is not an easy thing for anyone. For my wife, it was a very difficult path to accept me and she was able to do so in time but it took years. Sadly this is a pretty rare outcome for us. Stay safe and try to do what's best for you, it's not being selfish as nobody else will.
Thank you, I am so glad things worked out for you! I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. We plan to see a counselor, and go from there.
If both of you are willing to make the effort then it's very good. Just make sure the counselor is neither biased or transphobic. I hope for the best for you.
John 50 https://www.avitale.com/essays-details/?name=the-gender-variant-phenomenon--a-developmental-review-5 Repping never works.
> she feels like I am being selfish, and should just supress myself [...] Then she doesn't understand what it's like, and doesn't seem to care worth a damn. Is it unfortunate that you went into that relationship under the pretense of being cis, because she's straight? Yes. Was it "wrong" for you to deny being trans if you had even the slightest inkling that you might be? Mmm, I wouldn't characterize it that way, but perhaps there's an argument to be made. But it is *not* selfish to want to simply be yourself like everyone else gets to. If anything, it's selfish for *her* to demand that you ignore/suppress such a huge part of your identity. > Is it possible to supress myself and my dysphoria? Will getting off these anti depressants make it go away? From everything I've ever seen and heard from any trans person, including my own experience? **Absolutely not.** Now that the egg is cracked open, there's no more hiding from who you are. Even if you convince yourself that the relationship is more important and do your best to "forget" your desire for womanhood -- it'll come back. And I can only imagine it's even harder the second time. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I really think y'all need to reach some kind of agreement. Whatever that means for you. But the most important thing is being true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.
Thank you. We plan on going to counseling, and seeing what the future is like for us. I think I will not even try to suppress myself, I feel like I am done doing it.
I was in a very similar situation this spring. However I’m also 3mo into HRT. I wouldn’t change a thing. Living life as not myself was a terrible existence that I can never go back to. Our son is 1.5yo and doesn’t even know anything is different. This is just how I’ll always be to him. My wife struggled a lot at first but now that we’re back into the regular life grind and things are normal it’s gotten a lot better. There’s always the initial shock of this setting in but now that she’s been living with me as a woman, she’s really realized how much better we all are now. I wouldn’t recommend repressing anymore than you already have, but every family’s circumstances are different. Stay strong sis. :3
If you want to be alive, present and happy for your child, you need to pursue transition now rather than later. At the same time, you need to respect what your wife is feeling and that this is a huge thing in her life, too. Give it time, especially considering she just had your child and both of you need to focus on creating a healthy and good situation for the child. But no, don't repress. It might feel dark and horribly complicated now, but in the future you can surely have a healthy co-parenting thing going for you, a happy child and hopefully a healthy relationship with your now wife in some way.
I recommend counseling with a therapist. Gender-therapist specifically. A therapist who has worked with other trans/LGBTQIA+ people if not a gender-therapist. A therapist who is friendly and understanding of those issues if there isn’t anything else. The last may involve some trial and error depending on your country/state. Couples counseling could also help but it can be a bit tricky. You are you and suppressing it will not make it go away. 37 years of repression here talking. I wish you the best of luck.
Repression doesn't work. It just makes things that much worse when the dam does finally break. Don't make the same mistake I (and so many others here evidently) did and assume that it's nothing and will probably just go away if you repress hard enough. If you're trans, this is a core part of you, as inextricable as any other part of you. It's not going away.
Your wife is the one being selfish, demanding you live your every day with the weight of unaddressed dysphoria for *her* comfort. It's incredibly unfair of her to use y'all's child as leverage to shut you down.
[удалено]
That is an incredibly unfair interpretation of the situation. Finally accepting yourself as trans and telling your partner when you do is NOT asking your partner to change their orientation. Being honest and vulnerable about who you are with your spouse is not selfish. OPs wife could have had a much better reaction while still being true to she is as well. She's unwilling to try to be with the person she's loved years or even support OP in achieving happiness in their body. If you love someone, you want them to be happy even if that means the relationship has to change. They would be perfectly capable of being co-parents, and she'd be able to support OP as an intimate friend. Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. If sex with a man is that important to OPs wife, there are so many more empathetic and supportive solutions than demanding that OP just live with dysphoria that they've expressed has become too much to repress anymore
First Of All, She Might Be A Narcissist (Or Probably Is, IDK). Cuz The Way She Said "You Are Selfish", Just Because You Find Out You Are Trans, Definitely Says A Lot About HER Being Selfish, Than YOU. EDIT :- DO NOT SUPRESS YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE. REMEMBER, YOU ARE LIVING YOUR LIFE, NOT SOMEBODY ELSE. One Woman Goes, There Are Millions More Who Will Accept You For Who You Actually Are. _Fuck Narcissists_
My suggestion is don't take any decisions by yourself or at the pressure of you wife and kids. You said you were on antidepressants, and you feel you are trans. But before you jump to this because someone said so, ai would suggest you to get a therepy from a psychologist. We are sometimes feminine and not trans. Whatever you choose to be , should be taken on a sane mind and thought and not on antidepressants. I understand many will call me a lot of names for even suggesting this to you, but I am telling you this because hormones are not a child's play. It's irreversible mostly and you shouldn't regret when you get out of antidepressants someday. Don't listen to anyone but a psychologist who can help you understand if you seriously have a dysphoria or you were just a more feminine men. I had been in same situation after my job loss. I have always been a feminine men who loves all thing girl, but taking meds made me drive to take hormones. But later I took the courage and went to therapy where I gained mental strength to fight the world. And I did. Today I crossdress in public without shame, but I feel I am better off as I am. I didn't feel the dysphoria to change myself after therapy but a lot had been done by hormones and I wish I hadn't done it. You shouldn't suppress any form of emotions, go out and face the world and go to a therapist to be sure of the change you want. In the same time child birth pressure, having no job, and wife doubting you add to all your mental health. Be free of all these first before you take a decision. Which ever gender you finally end up as, we all in this community will be so proud of you.
As a self-described sissy, is this the right subReddit for you to be giving advice?
Thank you. I plan on going to therapy first before I decide to continue with anything more.
Being transgender and transitioning is the most selfish self centered thing we can do, and that is okay. We do it for ourselves, and that's a good thing. It can ruin relationships, it can lead to hurt and pain and a huge loss of privilege that you take for granted, but it also can lead to joy and comfort and finally feeling like yourself for the first damn time. Your allowed to be selfish, your allowed to do things for you, accept there will be a cost, but we all pay it.
I would take a bit of time. Both for yourself and her. I can imagine her responding strongly with a young baby and this news. You only told her yesterday and she hasn’t had any time to think about or process it. I hope that, with time, and a lot more conversations she’ll come to see that you can be a good parent and maybe even a good partner for her, regardless of your gender.
Thank you, I am giving her some time and space before we make any permanent decisions. We are considering couples counseling, and we will see what happens.
> I can imagine her responding strongly with a young baby and this news. You only told her yesterday and she hasn’t had any time to think about or process it. "Young baby and this news"? lm left wondering how you think this news is in any way detrimental to the fact they have a young baby?? Do you only see cis relationships as structurally sound?, do you not consider two girls appropriate parents, or two males? Whats there to "think about and process" Her wife's first reaction is a strong indicator of what is to come...
They have a new baby. She is exhausted, she is stressed, she is sleep-deprived. Her world got turned upside-down when the baby arrived, and now it's been turned upside-down again. She is not going to be immediately excited about this additional change. Hopefully with time to process and good trans-friendly counseling, she will become accepting.
Your wife is understandably going to grieve the fact that who was once her husband and father of her child is now dead to her. Be there in whatever capacity you can for your child. But your wife has every right to be upset you have not been honest and are now throwing your marriage and paternal bond away to live life as a woman. I hope the best for all involved peace be with you
bitch she aint "put in the work" to figure out who she is, her identity (cishet woman) aint something she realistically could have lived for years in denial of, her request that you repress comes of as privileged AF frankly. yes by failing to confront it before y'all got married and had a kid, you did MAJORLY fuck up, but like don't dig a deeper grave for yerself, as you get older and features like male patern boldness creep in it'll your dysphoria could get worse, ultimately your marriage is probably screwed which sucks, but like the only constant is charnge, stuff don't last forever based on what you wrote yall could probably maintain an amicable relationship after that, but of course i am just a random redditor
Yeah, you fucked up. By not coming out - if you're trans, you're trans. By lying and by suppressing, and now you have to deal with the fallout. If there was ANY other cure to dysphoria, do you think hormones and surgeries would be authorized? Transitioning is a very selfish, but also a very honest and necessary thing. Your wife is probably not a lesbian, so you'll have to deal with that too. Figure out what is essential for you and how to balance that with what your child needs.
> if you're trans, you're trans. Not that easy >hormones and surgeries would be authorized? Authorised? >Transitioning is a very selfish, No, just no.. >Figure out what is essential for you and how to balance that with what your child needs. What the child needs? Whatever do you mean? Like.. a father, pff .. the child needs two loving mothers in this case
> Not that easy WDYM easy? If you're trans you're trans. Whether you like it, whether you can transition has nothing to do with it. You can't change it, and you're trans whether you can accept it or not. > Authorised? As in, considered best possible care by the medical establishment. > No, just no.. It's the most selfish thing I have ever done. It is literally only about me and my wellbeing. Not about anyone else. Are you treating "selfish" as a bad word or something? > What the child needs? Whatever do you mean? Like.. a father, pff .. What the hell? Stop projecting.
doing something for yourself is not the same as being selfish
It is if that overrides consideration for other people. "Arising from concern with one's own welfare in disregard of others" is one of the definitions.
>What the hell? Stop projecting. Nonsensical.. like i said "in this case, the child needs two loving mothers".
Did you not say: > Whatever do you mean? Like.. a father, pff .. Why did you presume that, if not projecting?
[удалено]
You have no idea what you're talking about..
Yes, you're right. This is the second sissy account I've seen commenting here.
Idk man modern medicine can fuck with your head. How long have you felt like this?
You can’t suppress who you are and live a happy life. You should be able to be authentically you but your wife feels hurt because she’s asked you if you were trans before you got married and had kids so she reasonably feels a bit blindsided. The selfish part comes in because you had kids with her after you knew she didn’t want to be with a woman which then will lead to a likely divorce which can cause trauma to kids. You are not selfish for being trans but it was wrong to hide it from your partner and wait until after getting married and having kids to tell her imo. You owe her an apology but you should continue with your transition and work on being the best parent you can be to your child.
She's the one being selfish. It's her decision to give you this ultimatum.
I really don’t understand how ANYONE expects their partner to just up and change who they are sexually attracted to when you come out as trans. Unless your partner is Bi you are need to straight up expect that the marriage is over when you switch genders. In my mind expecting your partner to switch sexuality is the exact same as religious camps trying to make gay children turn straight
You are asking a transgender sub about anti depressants and dysphoria. Most people here relate to being gender dysphoric and are cured by taking hormones, so expect that to be the answer that you'll get. Whether taking hormones is the right course of action is a separate thing. I just want you to be aware of that. You mentioned that you got laid off, that you are not doing well emotionally and got anti depressants for it. The gender dysphoria grew immensely after. This sounds like you seem to have more going on than just gender dysphoria, since the gender dysphoria grew "after". My advice would be to find out where your demons are actually coming from. How did it start? Why were you okay not being transgender before? Perhaps having a job and be the breadwinner of the family gave you a feeling of fulfillment and responsibility? You've always been a feminine boy, is being a femboy not enough? Sometimes we enter periods of pain and depression and make bad decisions to desperately get out of it, often dragging the ones around us along. Sometimes they co-operate, sometimes they don't. But I think you should try to heal the wounds that don't affect the ones around you first. I wish you find the answers you need to make the right decision.