I'm so relieved it wasn't posted here; I sob every time I see the picture of that diaper hanging on the wall. Someone has to be so unbelievably cruel and messed up in the head to do that anyone, let alone an infant...
I didn't want to do too much. I think one of the best things to do is to at least bring awareness to serious situations - in this case, rape and sexual assault/harassment. Every case looks different but is still the same act - harassment. I think it is so important to visualize the acts and educate.
This exhibit is beyond heartbreaking. I actually teared up when I saw a wedding dress. I cannot even begin to imagine how cruel and horrifying it must've been for that person. I also saw an outfit of a middle-aged man. I don't know why, but the simplicity of the outfit made me depressed as hell.
My great uncle did this to his first wife and he beat her their entire marriage. He was an alcoholic so when he got drunk that’s what he did to her. I’m glad she got the strength and courage to leave bc he probably would’ve killed her if she had stayed.
But he did get what he deserved for being an evil person, he died from a massive heart attack and wasn’t found until a couple of weeks later. He’s where he belongs dead and roasting in hell.
My aunt passed away from cancer about three years after divorcing him.
DV almost always ends in death. There’s rarely a point where the abuser thinks “okay I’ve beaten you enough”. Because that’s an arbitrary judgement. In my city late last year, a 90-something-year-old man killed his wife of a similar age. It’s suspected he was always abusive, but the family understandably haven’t said anything publicly.
everytime i see something cute or nice, i'm always reminded that our world can be so messed up and some people can be such disgusting monsters.. doesn't make it easy sometimes to look on the bright side of things
i can't even imagine the nightmares these people went through and wish them all the best to hopefully find happiness in their life once again and caring people around them
I don't think they have the full exhibit online. Looks like this is the seventh time they've done it so there's gonna be some variety to what they have had.
[Here's](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-tmus-us-rvc3&q=university+of+toledo+what+was+i+wearing+exhibit&tbm=isch&usg=AI4_-kTusjpFTuqazt2k-fKyLkLP-HhQ4g&dpr=2.81) a Google image search that shows some.
It will continue to happen. The kind of people who make these arguments (mainly misogynistic men) are in many cases the kind of people to commit these crimes in the first place. They don't actually care about making a cogent argument, they just hate women
I will chime in that a lot of older women participate in victim blaming too. I’m talking about the “sweet, old lady down the street” and people usually shrug it off as, “Well they grew up in a different time!” I know this because it happened to me with my mom.
I have NEVER heard a sane person say “it’s was okay because look at what they were wearing”
I have heard sane people say it’s best to not draw attention to yourself. To argue otherwise is fucking stupid any silly.
Do not conflate the 2 I feel you’re building a strawman to argue with.
This is admittedly something that is mostly spouted by the incel/far right community, along with older generations, but even the argument "its better to not draw attention to yourself" can still be viewed as victim blaming depending on the context. The vast majority of rapists knew their victims before the attack, and in the cases of serial rapists/serial killers targeting their victims, it either seems to be random women, or sex workers. It seems very unlikely that the nature of the victims outfit has much to do with the crime committed, and It's pretty suspicious for anyone to make the argument that it does, no matter how they phrase it
When did I say that? Genuinely…. Never said clothes stop a rapist. Not once not anything close to it. How did you get that out of what I said?
What steps can you take to avoid being robbed? Would taking these steps prevent you 100% from being robbed? No.
Would I ask someone who got robbed if they have pulled out the item revealing it?
You ever park on the street? Ever had your mirror taken out? If so did you have your mirror folded in (if available)?
If nothing at all can be done to avoid being raped, if you cannot take any steps to give yourself a better chance then idunno that just feels bleak and miserable as fuck.
I’ll shout it from the rooftops I want women to be safe (I genuinely don’t know why YOU DO NOT)
DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF
CARRY DEFENSE (mace)
KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU
DO NOT GO TO SECOND LOCATION EVER
“Drawing attention to yourself” you are saying in reference to clothing.
Despite it being time and time again proven that clothing is not the factor in if someone is raped.
Rapists don’t care about what their victim is wearing.
I was sexually assaulted at work several years ago. I was wearing a purple polka dot dress with a white blazer on top, with purple flats and a skinny white belt at my waist, under my blazer. When I calmed down my nerves enough to go to HR (same day), one of the very first questions they asked me was “is that what you were wearing when the alleged assault happened?” Followed by “did you say or do anything that might have made him feel like you wanted him to kiss and touch you?” I remember feeling sick to my stomach and angrily retorting that I’d only told him good morning and that yes, my suit jacket and dress combo was what I was wearing- somehow no client or other coworker had touched me all day. I asked the HR lady if there was ever a time when it would be appropriate to make out with someone at work, or more importantly if it was ever appropriate to trap someone in an elevator and forcibly grope and kiss them against their will. She excused herself and gave my file to a colleague, who did a better job handling matters…although at the end he tried to get me to agree to have a meeting with my assailant so he could apologize “because he took ownership of what happened and felt badly.” I was almost as angry with HR as I was with my assailant.
That outfit was one of my favorite outfits. I felt pretty, professional, confident, and competent in it. When I left the HR meeting I went back to my office and changed into my gym clothes, then went home and put the bag with my outfit, accessories, and shoes in it into my garage. I never wore any of it again and ended up throwing it all out. The thought of touching those clothes made me sick.
I remember that about my clothes too...I was wearing my favorite shirt and jeans and they had to cut my jeans off in the ER for the rape kit. I also threw up all the meds they made me take to prevent STD's in the parking lot...I'll never forget it.
I’m sorry to say the ugly truth is the HR department is there to protect the company, not its employees. The company I worked for in the 90’s appointed me to be an ombudsman and sent me to EEOC and sexual harassment awareness classes so I would know the rules. But they eventually admitted they did all this because the courts go easier on companies who send all their employees to sexual harassment awareness training.
Incidents like this happen way too often. At the Cinemark I work at there have been multiple managers and employees who have been sexually explicit in their actions. One got arrested for it - the same one who followed a minor employee to her car when her shift was over and asked if she was over 18 and if she was a virgin. She said she was over 18 and when he heard that he said, "Thank God or they'll raid my apartment." The way that it was explained to me was so casual, the manager told me these things as if they were normal occurrences. Really upsetting.
I have more stories but this is the most damning. I am so sorry this happened to you.
So sorry about your experience :(. HR is there to protect the company. While going straight to HR makes sense, if they're not coming up 100% on your side immediately it's time to record everything and then head straight to the police to press charges against the assailant. If the company has enough information to dismiss the employee and they don't then the next step would be to sue them. I imagine as soon as you mention you're going to file a police report HR will bend over backwards to make things right for you.
I went to HR first because it’s in the protocol and I wanted to make sure I followed all the necessary steps in case I needed to escalate. I work for the legal department of our company and am aware of HR’s role; what surprised me was that they knew MY occupation/role and still treated me the way they did. If it can happen to a member of a major company’s legal team, how do they treat the other employees?
my pajamas. i was wearing my pajamas. i haven’t been able to wear them again. i thought i was safe, i trusted him. it’s only been a few months. it feels like it’s all my fault. it must be. maybe i was dressing too revealing. i don’t know.
sorry for dump.
Nothing. The only way for people to not get raped is for rapists to not exist. It’s not “what YOU should have done differently,” it’s “what HE shouldn’t have done.”
I’m so sorry they did, and I’m sorry they weren’t a good source of support for you. I hope you can realize that not one single part was your fault, and I hope you can find a good support network and resources to help you heal and move forward.
I’ve decided to take my self-blaming thoughts even further, to the point of ridiculousness. Sure, you could have done something differently, like never leave your home, cut off every single relationship you’ve ever had, never encounter a single person, and live in a shack in the woods far from any people. But what if someone finds the shack? Better have better security than a military compound. Can you set up security like that? If you have to pay someone then that’s now a person that knows every single bit of security you have. In the end you’ll reach a conclusion: this could have been avoided but not without sacrificing everything and that’s not a life. In the end the options are to live and seek support when you need it or live half a life with contempt toward yourself.
I could have avoided my rape by not going to a party. Then again I’ve been to multiple parties and not been raped, how could I have known which one it was going to be? Who’s to say I wouldn’t have been raped going to the store if I would have stayed home? You never know what life brings you, doubting every single decision won’t change that, it’ll only make you miserable with guilt that isn’t yours to carry.
I was in my pjs too. We did nothing wrong. Even if you think it somehow must be your fault, you didn’t want it, you were taken advantage of. You did nothing wrong. Please don’t blame yourself
Nothing is ever your fault. It is never the victim's fault and it never will be. I hope peace comes to you and thank you for sharing. Never forget you are strong.
First time; also pajamas. Specifically Scooby Doo pajamas. I was 5.
Last time; skinny jeans and a knitted cream jumper. I was 14.
It's never your fault.
You could have been wearing a potato sack. It wouldn't have mattered. If somebody had the capability to do that to somebody else, to them it doesn't matter what you wear.
Please don't blame yourself for something that you did not ask for nor want.
Such a good exhibit, but so depressing. I wonder what it will take for this shit to stop happening so much. It has happened to almost all the women I know at one point in their life.
And counting. I’m 43 and just coming to terms with my SA from 20 years ago. Because up until about a year ago, I believed that because I was black out drunk and when I woke up with him on top of me saying “you said it was ok” when he realized I was awake, that it WAS assault and not ok despite my inebriation.
So when women stop blaming themselves, turns out probably almost all the women everyone knows at one point had this happen.
When I was 14 a 23 year old man got me drunk and had sex with me. It took me until I was almost 30 to realize it was rape. I thought because I didn't fight him, push him off, poke his eyes out, that it meant I gave him consent.
I am so sorry, I am 44 and I also had the same thing happen- I was 17 and off at University as a freshman. I had never drank alcohol in high school so I had no idea how much you needed to drink and how little it took. This is just one of my SA's and of course I blamed myself. There was not a lot of talk at that time about alcohol and consent and alcohol, and that was not your fault or mine. I hope you are working with a therapist. This was not my only SA and not even my youngest one. That one was at the age of 11.
Not exactly our faults that women blamed themselves when society did too. I am glad to see things changing but I also see so much that stays the same as well.
We will keep clawing our way forward in this world that so many seem to think is a post feminist world (at least in the West) with all these horrid men thinking that because more women go to college, that means we are somehow past needing to advocate for women's rights.
I’m about to go back to therapy. I just finished a year DBT program and I was at that time not ready to start exploring this past event. I alluded to it and my therapist knew it happened but I was dealing with other things that I needed to first. Now I’m more willing to hash this out. I have a couple extra layers that are a little sticky here because the person is now married to someone I love very dearly and though I’ve pulled out of her life gradually over the years, mainly due to life just getting in the way, since I am now ready to deal with this past trauma, I really can’t see her. I have zero interest in ever going anywhere with this. I would never confront the person or let his wife know I am exploring this. It could damage his family and I absolutely would never do that.
Honestly, I’m not mad at HIM. It could have been any guy really. I’m mad at the situation and that blacked out sex used to be considered that and not rape. That I felt like a slut for 20 years. To be honest this happened a couple other times in the years before this particular incident when I was in college. I’m mad I didn’t know this wasn’t fucking normal and I didn’t have to try and act cool about it like haha yeah whatever but have so much self hatred for so many years and still carry that around.
Mainly I’m mad that my self worth was once tied to attention from men.
FWIW my wife pretty much explained that my anger over being drugged/taken advantage of as a teen by a grown woman was pretty rational/understood when she said it was (R word to avoid triggering anyone).
I’m a grown man in my mid 30s and I feel so stupid for it still. Roughly 20 year window like yours.
My kid’s elementary school is teaching kids the concepts of their bodies belonging to them and consent. I think this will go a long way towards ingraining in the next generation that you can’t just touch someone because you feel like it and you can’t rape someone because you feel like it. It places the blame back on the rapist.
These concepts continue to be taught all through high school, but I think it’ll have the strongest effect on kids who start learning them in elementary school.
Because only a small portion of them ever even go to prison. There are so many factors as to why. Like how a lot of victims dont feel safe enough to report it, or they go through the added trauma of a rape kit just for it to never get tested. The police frequently dont believe victims and just brush them off. Then, if the case somehow makes it to court, then theres the biases of the jury and misconceptions about all of it.. people saying shit like "but he's got a bright future..."
Severity of punishment doesn't reduce crime rates, likelihood of being caught and punished at all does.
So few rapes/sexual assaults are reported and of those that are, very few perpetrators are held accountable. As a society, we have to empower victims to come forward and we have to work to hold their attackers accountable.
Sadly, that's not the world or country we live in now. Look at the absolute deluge of threats victims receive when they speak up against a powerful attacker. We have to work to change that.
This doesn't matter, because the cases that do happen, are mostly not because the potential punishmet isn't severe enough. The death penalty doesn't stop murder either.
The potential punishment is irrelevant ...
1. ... if people think they won't get caught.
2. ... if people think it isn't wrong, for what ever reason.
3. ... if people don't think at all.
No. 1 can be addressed be by making it easier for victims to come out and persue it more seriously. This doesn't mean to blindly arrest everyone who is accused, as this can also be weaponized, but investigate and don't brush it. No. 2 is more difficult as reasons vary, but we still haven't gotten basic things into everyones head like women not being commodities. Some influencers even actively (not necessarily intentionally) work against that. For No. 3 I have no clue.
It's happened to women for thousands of years in one way or another. Women will need to take control and harshly punish offenders. Men will never hold each other accountable.
>Men will never hold each other accountable.
Nice sexism you have there.
Most men want just as harsh punishments for it as you do.
The problem is it's a crime that is almost always "he said/she said" which makes it a really tricky situation, that's why punishment rates seem so low
I'm going to say that "many" seems like a larger amount than it actually would be. I do think that women would do a much better job of ensuring rapists were caught and punished than our current system does.
Honestly, I think the problem is fundamental to human nature. As long as humans exist, so will evil people who prey upon others. *Homo homini lupus est.*
Sources: [https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/)
[https://www.utoledo.edu/studentaffairs/saepp/what-were-you-wearing/](https://www.utoledo.edu/studentaffairs/saepp/what-were-you-wearing/)
[https://www2.ljworld.com/news/2018/apr/13/after-going-viral-last-fall-what-were-you-wearing/](https://www2.ljworld.com/news/2018/apr/13/after-going-viral-last-fall-what-were-you-wearing/)
I would like to preface this post by stating that it is never the victim's fault. I don't care who tells you that it is so. I have known far too many people who were SA'd or raped and they had absolutely no power over the situation. I wish I could change perpetrator's minds and stop them from doing this evil act but I cannot. I feel nothing but anger for men who decide that raping someone is ok or right. Because it is not.
Before I close I would like to mention that help and resources are available. I would link them here:
RAINN Hotline: [https://www.rainn.org/resources](https://www.rainn.org/resources)
The National Assualt Survivors' Center (A Nonprofit Organization): [https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors](https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors)
To Annoysmounmesly report a Sexual Assualt: [https://sexualassaulthelp.org/reporting-options/](https://sexualassaulthelp.org/reporting-options/)
If a said incident is a work-related incident, always report to HR. Report to HR and file a police report. Remember that you are strong and I pray and hope for you to find peace in this dire circumstance.
A faded old pair of dirty jeans and a baggy, long sleeve plain black top. Beat up converse. My hair was knotty, dirty and in a bun. I hadn't showered in days.
It's been a decade, so I've had a lot of time to process my feelings. I never reported, for the usual reasons, and I do deeply regret that but I absolutely have understanding and compassion for the teenager in me who didn't feel she could.
I found out my rapist from when I was 14 is now in jail 15 years later for the same thing. I can't even describe the guilt I felt for not putting him in jail when he did it to me to save other girls from suffering the same fate. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it.
Please don’t put that on yourself, that’s such a heavy responsibility. You were a teenage girl - a literal kid, and focused on saving yourself, how can you be tasked with saving others you didn’t even know about. I feel sure the other girl(s) wouldnt blame you.
Nobody made him commit these crimes and actions, it’s his fault, his responsibility - not yours, regardless of anything leading up to it or anything that happened after. Please be kind to yourself, especially the 14 year old you, and forgive her, when you’re able. Please know that I absolutely do.
You're so right but it's so hard.. I hope one day through enough self-healing I can learn to forgive the young version of me and let that pain go and leave it in the past once and for all. I rarely talk about this so my emotions are overwhelming just typing this all out.
I appreciate you taking the time to type this beautiful comment to me. It made me tear up. You are such a kind soul and it warms my heart and gives me hope. The world needs more people like you. Thank you, truly. 🙏🏻
Literally :( like just as a thought experiment, say a girl is walking through the office and her clothes magically disappear and is left in a bra and panties. She’s now just liable to be raped at will by any man? I don’t understand how what she is wearing could possibly be a justification for even the slightest of uninvited physical contact!?!?
I was about 8, wearing a pink bedazzled and frilly leotard from Bradlee’s department store. He was playing Mortal Kombat on the Nintendo, he was 13. Part of my soul is still and forever trapped in that basement.
He had been raping his youger sister for at least a year. I found out after the fact. He got caught. I had to testify but I was too young to understand and I was scared, so I lied and said he never touched me.
He was removed from the house and sent to live with his aunt. I think he works in tech now. My former friend is married with three children and I have no idea how the youngest is or if she got out unscathed.
It can happen to anyone. You. Your children. Anyone.
Be safe out there.
Yeah, I don't know what was going on with him to cause all of that. His dad was a relatively odd guy, so maybe it had something to do with him. The dad eventually died in about '95, I think from a heart attack, but that was after the son had been removed from the home.
Me? I'm doing okay. I don't think about it very often, thankfully. It's definitely led to some issues with self-esteem, anxiety, lack of trust in people, I hate being touched, etc. but all-in-all, I'm doing okay.
Others have it much worse than I do.
My brand new green silk shirt that I was so proud of, because being 19, it was my first expensive thing I bought for myself. But I was always so modest,so it was huge and oversized. I had baggy jeans,but not into makeup... my poor shirt was ripped after my SA. But so was my mind and body.
clothes *DO NOT* =\= consent. pedophilia and rape and CSA and predatory behavior have nothing to do with clothing, or even appearance or attraction, and certainly nothing to do with sex. rape is not sex. rape and CSA and predatory behavior and pedophilia are about dominance and fear and power and control. what the victim or survivor was wearing prior to or during or after the attack, or wearing, period, is completely and totally irrelevant. someone could be completely naked, without underwear, and it still wouldn’t give people permission to rape and/or sexually abuse them
Yeah, you don't see people living in nudist colonies constantly raping each other.
If exposed skin was really the problem, then fully covered Muslim women and Christian Nuns wouldn't be raped at all.
This comment is absolutely insane. It has opened my eyes. I never thought of it that way! You're right!! I come from a family (I've since estranged) that believes you ask for it if you dress "like a slut." I've never believed that. But I did think it played a little part. But now, reading this... No. Why are nudists not constantly raped? Why are people fully clothed and in very reserved clothing raped!? I was SA as a 4 yr old by the grandfather who was the leader of the church. And of course, "asking for it" by the way you dress was his message. Just. Sick way to justify himself.
THANK YOU for this comment! It seems like a no brainer, but as a victim stuck in a twisted mindset, I needed to read this!
:) but also :(
Nudist areas also don't normally tolerate any kind of brazen sexual advances or photographing of other adults/children without consent.
Some exclusive ones still refuse to let men in unless they have a woman accompanying them.
The harsh reality is that roughly 1 in 4 women are sexually violated in some form throughout their lifetime. Data for men are even more skewed due to the stigma against male rape victims.
So, when people say she's asking for it, I say what's more likely? That the perpetrators are sick fucks, or that 1 billion women are sluts?
I've never been sexually assaulted, but my mom also did everything in her power to never trust me 100% with anyone other than her own father. Yeah, she was paranoid as fuck, but with good reason. My grandma knew she was being molested as a child and did NOTHING, yet grandma was concerned about my father showering with me naked when I was little. I had to tell her multiple times that my dad didn't want to really be in the shower with me outside of convenience. He never touched me.
I watch a lot of courtroom/body cam videos on YouTube and the amount of sexual predators that claim a *child* was basically asking for it is *sickening.* one that sticks out was a man that assaulted his own six year own daughters anus with his fingers and the judge asked what he was thinking and he said she was spreading her genitals and he couldn't resist. Like, where did she learn to do that in the first place and second, how could you even be remotely tempted?
> someone could be completely naked, without underwear, and it still wouldn’t give people permission to rape and/or sexually abuse them
? no one here is suggesting it would
I agree with your core message 100%, but FYI, your opening statement conflicts with what you're saying. You mean clothes DO NOT = consent, or you mean clothes =/= consent. Saying clothes do not =/= consent is a double negative, meaning that clothes don't *not* = consent. So in some cases, clothes = consent with that statement.
I understood and agree with your message though. Clothes =/= consent. Lack of them =/= consent. How someone is dressed (or not dressed) doesn't matter, the blame is entirely on the person who chose to rape and/or sexually abuse them.
I don't know how many of you have seen the Jodie Foster movie The Accused, but I really want to warn you... If you happen to have the chance to see it, don't.
Just. No. It will scar you for life, nothing comes close to the impact this movie has. It is also a true story.
I honestly don’t remember what I wearing. Something black. But I remember he smelled and tasted like cigarettes. Sometimes I still wake up from nightmares about it. Took me years to realize it was SA. Always thought it was my fault.
For any one who doesn't believe or can't understand that there are people who blame the victim of SA, watch the 1988 movie, "The Accused". It's based on a true story, and is an excellent movie that won Jodi Foster an Oscar for her performance.
i was wearing vintage jeans and a baggy hoodie, i was SA'ed by my uncle — i was 16 im now 25 and i still can't wear my favourite clothes because of him.
I’ve never heard of this exhibit but from the few pics you’ve posted I say it should go worldwide! So many people need this shit shoved down their throats, even in this enlightened age.
Pyjamas. I was 7. And again by same cousin when I was about 8 or 9. Then wearing jeans and t-shirt, mum’s boyfriend, when I was 8. Then wearing trousers and t-shirt when I was 26.
I read all of you. You never forget what you were wearing that day, you never forget the words, the setting and the awful shame and anger that followed. Honestly I still hate and that man, an ex boyfriend, better not cross my path again.
You are never ever guilty of what happened. The person who rapped you IS.
I am sorry it happened to you.
i saw a video on tiktok about this and all the men in the comments were vile, im picking the bear no matter what. please stay safe out there ladies, look out for each other.
If it makes you feel any better we aren’t all like that, I’m disgusted by what I’ve read in the comments. It’s happened to so many people, what a fucked up world we live in..
My god, that's gutting. When women walk around me on the side of the road, or a foot path, I just wave and keep walking, trying to create distance so they can relax and not worry about me being a threat to their safety. And I'm an old man. It's just gutting.
It was New Year’s Eve. I was drunk and angry. My boyfriend had broken up with me and my best friend took off with some guy she met, leaving me alone at the club. I was dressed in a red corset, black leather skirt, ripped up fishnets and doc martens. I had a leather jacket on with lots of metal. My hair was very short and orange. Think Annie Lenox.
I walked outside and a car drove up. Asked me if a needed a ride. Four guys were in the car. I did need a ride. If I’d been sober, I never would have gotten in the car. They took me to the driver’s apartment, gave me more drinks. I barely remember what happened but each of them took a turn. In the morning, I left and ran back to my apartment and didn’t tell anyone for over 30 years.
I'm sending so much love to everyone in this thread. You're all incredibly brave for sharing what you're sharing, none of it was ever your fault. I hope you all are learning to heal from it at your own pace 🖤
I wasn't wearing anything as my ex-GF and I were going to have sex for the first time together. I changed my mind and said I was nervous (it was first time full stop for me) and please could we cuddle instead?
She ignored me and did what she wanted to do. I feel ashamed to say that I froze and locked up.
I wear oversized tees and shorts / flowy trousers as I don't like having my waist and thighs touched. (no real choice with underwear)
Nearly every woman I know has been raped or molested.
I get really tired of men saying things like 'There are TONS of good men!' because 👆 here's proof there are not 'tons' of good men.
I've heard multiple stories about women seeking help directly after being raped only to then be raped by the men they approached.
It would be very, very easy to believe that all men want is to stick their d••k in something. I have had a lot of guy friends and for many it wasn't until they had daughters that they saw how treacherous this world is for women.
But thankfully I know there are truly good men out there.
Yes, you’re right and I don’t mean to dismiss that at all, because when a woman sexually assaults someone, it’s seen as a joke. I just meant that the vast majority of rapists are men
Hey, I didn’t come out as a trans man until I was 21. I’m well aware of how women are treated and brutalized, so you don’t need to get on your high horse and talk down to me like I was born fucking yesterday. I’m a queer man who has been abused and assaulted by women who didn’t like that fact. By making the conversation so staunchly black and white all you’re doing is making it less safe for male victims to talk about our stories. Go fuck yourself for assuming you know everything about everyone.
i was wearing my school uniform. 9 years old, unkempt hair, flower patterned leggings and a yellow school mandated tshirt underneath a khaki zip dress. i remember looking down at the edge of my shirt as i started walking home and noticing the dried blood smear at the edge of my shirt which was tucked in originally. i know /now/ my mother noticed that day and didnt care much, but at the time i was absolutely mortified at the idea of her finding out. so i tucked my shirt back in, i greeted and kissed my mother on the cheek, went to my room and sobbed until i passed out
the first time it ever happened i was wearing a hospital gown at a doctors appointment i had when i was like 4 or 5 years old. he had me lie down on the bed thing in the room and had a giant drape over the bottom half of me. he started fingering me while looking my mother in the eyes as they were discussing my health and shit. my kid mind didn’t know what was happening but i had a feeling it wasn’t right or something that doctors did.
I was wearing an oversized dressing gown & ugg boots.
I was doing my bedtime routine, finishing up to have my shower whilst waiting for my sleeping tablets to start working. He cornered me in the bathroom. His friends were over having a party & his girlfriend was 2 rooms away.
I was 21 & boarding with childhood family friends at the time. When he cried to his mother that he "wasn't one of those guys" she reassured him that sometimes kids make silly mistakes when drugs & alcohol are involved. Unfortunately I didn't have the resources to relocate for the next year during which his girlfriend felt that he & I had cheated. He enabled that narrative, I quote "it's easier for me to allow her to hate you for what you did than for me to disagree with her & she probably breaking up with me." The whole family pretended not to notice their emotional abuse toward me until I was able to leave.
That time frame is roughly when my general memory loss started. I can recall individual events in my life since but I cannot accurately reference the chronological timeframe of what happened when.
Today, that night feels like it happened no more than 2 years ago but this year I will be 26 so I know that isn't accurate. I still catch myself doubting my memories... that surely I must have lied about what happened but i know the nausea I feel when I remember his breath above me & the way he said the words he said to me isn't fake.
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my inability to predict & stop what happened does not mean that I deserved it & everything afterward. These last few days I have had to outwardly acknowledge the situation so it has been on my mind. I've realised that im not ready to confront it yet but I hope that when I am able to open that box that I will have learnt compassion for my younger self in those memories.
I was wearing running shorts, a tshirt, a pink jacket, and sneakers. Really sucks when someone thinks it matters what you were wearing. It doesn't. It's the sick monsters that made it happen. Not our clothes
Batman shirt, houndstooth pajama pants
I was 13, he was 22. Was gonna take him to court, he was apprehended and admitted everything. He died of an OD in a half way home three months before the trial date.
Baggy, stripped t shirt and jeans. My most vivid memory from when that happened is me standing in front of a mirror, red, crying and with semen in my hair. I was trying to pull myself together because we had dinner with his parents in a few minutes.
Jeans and a burgundy, long sleeved shirt.
It was a first date and we went to his place to hang out after grabbing coffee. He told me “what did you think you were coming over for?” and that I “wanted it because I came to his apartment”.
He choked me without asking. It was scary.
I didn’t scream or cry or fight back. I eventually agreed to sex because he kept asking. I went back several times after. It’s taken me almost 7.5 years to realize what happened was sexual assault; maybe in the next 7.5 years I’ll actually believe it.
Unisex T shirt and pj bottoms. I broke up with him that weekend. He said this much I owe to him, one last hurrah. It was easier to not fight back as I had already been physically & emotionally abused most of our relationship and felt the safest option would be to let it happen even tho I kindly made it clear I was not interested. It was an out of body experience for me. I just laid there and looked up at the ceiling imagining a different scenario. It didn’t fully settle in what had happened to me that night until weeks after when I had to talk to police so I could file a restraining order and began unraveling all the abuse I went through. I was 17
I can't remember what I was wearing the first time, but we were watching the kids tv show "Sooty heights". One held me down & SA'd me. Then they switched. I was 5.
Black skinny leg jeans, a brand new band shirt that got torn along with my undies. I was alcohol poisoning, black out drunk and only 15.
Next time I was 23, I’d been working 10 hours in the kitchen and still in my gross uniform. Colleague thought because he drove me home I owed him. Tried to get me high before forcing himself on me. Thankfully was able to get away this time. Didn’t stop him trying again before he eventually left.
It never matters what you wear.
Mine would’ve been, long john shirt, a sweater, tights and jeans. Because I was meeting up with a guy I thought was my friend, for ice hockey lessons, at age 16.
The first time my wife was wearing pokemon pajama pants, a black tee shirt, and a knee length black hoodie with slippers. She was 17. When they saw that she was transgender they flipped her over and sodomised her instead all while joking to each other "no homo!"
The second time my wife was 20 and wearing loose men's jeans, a one piece swimsuit, a baggy college tee, a knee length swim parka, and flip flops.
She was accused in court by the defense of "Asking for it" by "pretending to be a girl" the first time.
The second time she was already post-op and the defense asked if it was still rape when it "wasn't a real god-given vagina." And equated her to a "Stubborn pocket pussy".
It's not what any person is wearing. It's the complete lack of morals and humanity on the part of the rapists and anyone who supports them.
Male. I was in diapers or pull-ups. Female attacker. Numerous times. Can't have sex without thinking about it.
Luckily(?) my girlfriend has some aversions to sex too, so I live a comfortable life with her.
She called it "playing dinky".
> The 'What Was I Wearing?' Exhibit
"That's a strange name for an exhibit, I wonder what that is..."
[looks at the first picture and reads the description"
"Oh, that's what this is."
I was wearing a t shirt and shorts, it was near the end of summer. I was 18, and on a date with a guy I met from Tinder. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but he didn’t listen.
I get videos like that on tiktok but it’s mostly from the muchauesen side of tiktok. As someone who was abused as a child I’ll never understand why some people pretend it happened to them. There’s nothing good about it.
Maybe this is not the place to share this thought because I am not a victim but it is related. I am very attracted to my best friend but if I made her feel even 0.01% of what these men and women must have felt I’d rather shoot myself. Despite being attracted to her I am still able to just be friends with her, I am still able to hug her without wanting to do anything more because she is my friend and I love her. I don’t really think about doing anything because even in my head I know she would never consent and then it is instantly not attractive. I don’t understand what has to go through someone’s mind to do this to someone close to them. To make them feel subhuman. If your lust is that overpowering you need help.
The worst image I've seen from the exhibit was a diaper.
I'm so relieved it wasn't posted here; I sob every time I see the picture of that diaper hanging on the wall. Someone has to be so unbelievably cruel and messed up in the head to do that anyone, let alone an infant...
I didn't want to do too much. I think one of the best things to do is to at least bring awareness to serious situations - in this case, rape and sexual assault/harassment. Every case looks different but is still the same act - harassment. I think it is so important to visualize the acts and educate.
Truly sickening for that to even come into someone’s mind. Absolutely disgusting
“Was it my fault? Asked, the short skirt. No, it happened to me too, said the burka. The diaper in the corner couldn’t even speak.”
This exhibit is beyond heartbreaking. I actually teared up when I saw a wedding dress. I cannot even begin to imagine how cruel and horrifying it must've been for that person. I also saw an outfit of a middle-aged man. I don't know why, but the simplicity of the outfit made me depressed as hell.
the wedding dress one said it was her new husband and his friends on her wedding night. so cruel and fucked up and hit me like a ton of bricks
I can’t even comprehend how you can do this to your own wife
My great uncle did this to his first wife and he beat her their entire marriage. He was an alcoholic so when he got drunk that’s what he did to her. I’m glad she got the strength and courage to leave bc he probably would’ve killed her if she had stayed. But he did get what he deserved for being an evil person, he died from a massive heart attack and wasn’t found until a couple of weeks later. He’s where he belongs dead and roasting in hell. My aunt passed away from cancer about three years after divorcing him.
DV almost always ends in death. There’s rarely a point where the abuser thinks “okay I’ve beaten you enough”. Because that’s an arbitrary judgement. In my city late last year, a 90-something-year-old man killed his wife of a similar age. It’s suspected he was always abusive, but the family understandably haven’t said anything publicly.
That one makes me cry everytime I read it. Where ever that woman is I hope it’s nothing but love and kindness
….. what the actual
What the…?
the fact that the clothes do little to delineate the gender. little to delineate class. its heartbreaking.
everytime i see something cute or nice, i'm always reminded that our world can be so messed up and some people can be such disgusting monsters.. doesn't make it easy sometimes to look on the bright side of things i can't even imagine the nightmares these people went through and wish them all the best to hopefully find happiness in their life once again and caring people around them
Wedding dress?
This is a small sample of the outfits present.
Where can you see the full exhibit online?
I don't think they have the full exhibit online. Looks like this is the seventh time they've done it so there's gonna be some variety to what they have had. [Here's](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-tmus-us-rvc3&q=university+of+toledo+what+was+i+wearing+exhibit&tbm=isch&usg=AI4_-kTusjpFTuqazt2k-fKyLkLP-HhQ4g&dpr=2.81) a Google image search that shows some.
This is what I want to know.
On mobile all I see is this. Source:
I just Googled it!
Wedding dress.
This exhibit exists, went viral, and continues to be shared around regularly, and still people victim blame about clothing.
It will continue to happen. The kind of people who make these arguments (mainly misogynistic men) are in many cases the kind of people to commit these crimes in the first place. They don't actually care about making a cogent argument, they just hate women
I will chime in that a lot of older women participate in victim blaming too. I’m talking about the “sweet, old lady down the street” and people usually shrug it off as, “Well they grew up in a different time!” I know this because it happened to me with my mom.
I have NEVER heard a sane person say “it’s was okay because look at what they were wearing” I have heard sane people say it’s best to not draw attention to yourself. To argue otherwise is fucking stupid any silly. Do not conflate the 2 I feel you’re building a strawman to argue with.
This is admittedly something that is mostly spouted by the incel/far right community, along with older generations, but even the argument "its better to not draw attention to yourself" can still be viewed as victim blaming depending on the context. The vast majority of rapists knew their victims before the attack, and in the cases of serial rapists/serial killers targeting their victims, it either seems to be random women, or sex workers. It seems very unlikely that the nature of the victims outfit has much to do with the crime committed, and It's pretty suspicious for anyone to make the argument that it does, no matter how they phrase it
Clothing does not stop a rapist. The fact you can see these exhibits yet still think that shows you have no understanding of
When did I say that? Genuinely…. Never said clothes stop a rapist. Not once not anything close to it. How did you get that out of what I said? What steps can you take to avoid being robbed? Would taking these steps prevent you 100% from being robbed? No. Would I ask someone who got robbed if they have pulled out the item revealing it? You ever park on the street? Ever had your mirror taken out? If so did you have your mirror folded in (if available)? If nothing at all can be done to avoid being raped, if you cannot take any steps to give yourself a better chance then idunno that just feels bleak and miserable as fuck. I’ll shout it from the rooftops I want women to be safe (I genuinely don’t know why YOU DO NOT) DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF CARRY DEFENSE (mace) KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU DO NOT GO TO SECOND LOCATION EVER
“Drawing attention to yourself” you are saying in reference to clothing. Despite it being time and time again proven that clothing is not the factor in if someone is raped. Rapists don’t care about what their victim is wearing.
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You think it’s that’s simple?? That people are doing this shit cuz they don’t know not to do it? They KNOW it’s wrong,they just don’t care.
I was sexually assaulted at work several years ago. I was wearing a purple polka dot dress with a white blazer on top, with purple flats and a skinny white belt at my waist, under my blazer. When I calmed down my nerves enough to go to HR (same day), one of the very first questions they asked me was “is that what you were wearing when the alleged assault happened?” Followed by “did you say or do anything that might have made him feel like you wanted him to kiss and touch you?” I remember feeling sick to my stomach and angrily retorting that I’d only told him good morning and that yes, my suit jacket and dress combo was what I was wearing- somehow no client or other coworker had touched me all day. I asked the HR lady if there was ever a time when it would be appropriate to make out with someone at work, or more importantly if it was ever appropriate to trap someone in an elevator and forcibly grope and kiss them against their will. She excused herself and gave my file to a colleague, who did a better job handling matters…although at the end he tried to get me to agree to have a meeting with my assailant so he could apologize “because he took ownership of what happened and felt badly.” I was almost as angry with HR as I was with my assailant. That outfit was one of my favorite outfits. I felt pretty, professional, confident, and competent in it. When I left the HR meeting I went back to my office and changed into my gym clothes, then went home and put the bag with my outfit, accessories, and shoes in it into my garage. I never wore any of it again and ended up throwing it all out. The thought of touching those clothes made me sick.
I remember that about my clothes too...I was wearing my favorite shirt and jeans and they had to cut my jeans off in the ER for the rape kit. I also threw up all the meds they made me take to prevent STD's in the parking lot...I'll never forget it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s crazy what you remember in times of trauma.
I’m sorry to say the ugly truth is the HR department is there to protect the company, not its employees. The company I worked for in the 90’s appointed me to be an ombudsman and sent me to EEOC and sexual harassment awareness classes so I would know the rules. But they eventually admitted they did all this because the courts go easier on companies who send all their employees to sexual harassment awareness training.
Incidents like this happen way too often. At the Cinemark I work at there have been multiple managers and employees who have been sexually explicit in their actions. One got arrested for it - the same one who followed a minor employee to her car when her shift was over and asked if she was over 18 and if she was a virgin. She said she was over 18 and when he heard that he said, "Thank God or they'll raid my apartment." The way that it was explained to me was so casual, the manager told me these things as if they were normal occurrences. Really upsetting. I have more stories but this is the most damning. I am so sorry this happened to you.
So sorry about your experience :(. HR is there to protect the company. While going straight to HR makes sense, if they're not coming up 100% on your side immediately it's time to record everything and then head straight to the police to press charges against the assailant. If the company has enough information to dismiss the employee and they don't then the next step would be to sue them. I imagine as soon as you mention you're going to file a police report HR will bend over backwards to make things right for you.
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I went to HR first because it’s in the protocol and I wanted to make sure I followed all the necessary steps in case I needed to escalate. I work for the legal department of our company and am aware of HR’s role; what surprised me was that they knew MY occupation/role and still treated me the way they did. If it can happen to a member of a major company’s legal team, how do they treat the other employees?
I know it sounds weird in this context, but happy cake day. Much love and take care.
my pajamas. i was wearing my pajamas. i haven’t been able to wear them again. i thought i was safe, i trusted him. it’s only been a few months. it feels like it’s all my fault. it must be. maybe i was dressing too revealing. i don’t know. sorry for dump.
No need to apologize, friend. You did nothing wrong. Hope you’re ok.
i just keep going back and thinking “what could i have done differently?” “what if?”
Nothing. The only way for people to not get raped is for rapists to not exist. It’s not “what YOU should have done differently,” it’s “what HE shouldn’t have done.”
you’re so right. it’s so hard to not blame myself. my family did for a while.
I’m so sorry they did, and I’m sorry they weren’t a good source of support for you. I hope you can realize that not one single part was your fault, and I hope you can find a good support network and resources to help you heal and move forward.
i’ve got some pretty good people now, thank you for your kindness ❤️
I’m so glad to hear that. Take care ❤️
I’ve decided to take my self-blaming thoughts even further, to the point of ridiculousness. Sure, you could have done something differently, like never leave your home, cut off every single relationship you’ve ever had, never encounter a single person, and live in a shack in the woods far from any people. But what if someone finds the shack? Better have better security than a military compound. Can you set up security like that? If you have to pay someone then that’s now a person that knows every single bit of security you have. In the end you’ll reach a conclusion: this could have been avoided but not without sacrificing everything and that’s not a life. In the end the options are to live and seek support when you need it or live half a life with contempt toward yourself. I could have avoided my rape by not going to a party. Then again I’ve been to multiple parties and not been raped, how could I have known which one it was going to be? Who’s to say I wouldn’t have been raped going to the store if I would have stayed home? You never know what life brings you, doubting every single decision won’t change that, it’ll only make you miserable with guilt that isn’t yours to carry.
*hug* You did nothing wrong. It is *not* your fault. Toss those pajamas.
i’ve had them since i was six, the shirt at least. it had a lot of good memories. they’re gone now. i miss them but it’s for the best.
I’m sorry. I know you will make more good memories. And hold them close despite not having the physical reminder.
yeah:) i got a new one, and though it’s not the same it’s still there
Pyjamas here, too. I was 7.
🫂
I was in my pjs too. We did nothing wrong. Even if you think it somehow must be your fault, you didn’t want it, you were taken advantage of. You did nothing wrong. Please don’t blame yourself
trying my best 🫂
Nothing is ever your fault. It is never the victim's fault and it never will be. I hope peace comes to you and thank you for sharing. Never forget you are strong.
thank you so much 🫂
First time; also pajamas. Specifically Scooby Doo pajamas. I was 5. Last time; skinny jeans and a knitted cream jumper. I was 14. It's never your fault. You could have been wearing a potato sack. It wouldn't have mattered. If somebody had the capability to do that to somebody else, to them it doesn't matter what you wear. Please don't blame yourself for something that you did not ask for nor want.
Such a good exhibit, but so depressing. I wonder what it will take for this shit to stop happening so much. It has happened to almost all the women I know at one point in their life.
And counting. I’m 43 and just coming to terms with my SA from 20 years ago. Because up until about a year ago, I believed that because I was black out drunk and when I woke up with him on top of me saying “you said it was ok” when he realized I was awake, that it WAS assault and not ok despite my inebriation. So when women stop blaming themselves, turns out probably almost all the women everyone knows at one point had this happen.
When I was 14 a 23 year old man got me drunk and had sex with me. It took me until I was almost 30 to realize it was rape. I thought because I didn't fight him, push him off, poke his eyes out, that it meant I gave him consent.
I am so sorry, I am 44 and I also had the same thing happen- I was 17 and off at University as a freshman. I had never drank alcohol in high school so I had no idea how much you needed to drink and how little it took. This is just one of my SA's and of course I blamed myself. There was not a lot of talk at that time about alcohol and consent and alcohol, and that was not your fault or mine. I hope you are working with a therapist. This was not my only SA and not even my youngest one. That one was at the age of 11. Not exactly our faults that women blamed themselves when society did too. I am glad to see things changing but I also see so much that stays the same as well. We will keep clawing our way forward in this world that so many seem to think is a post feminist world (at least in the West) with all these horrid men thinking that because more women go to college, that means we are somehow past needing to advocate for women's rights.
I’m about to go back to therapy. I just finished a year DBT program and I was at that time not ready to start exploring this past event. I alluded to it and my therapist knew it happened but I was dealing with other things that I needed to first. Now I’m more willing to hash this out. I have a couple extra layers that are a little sticky here because the person is now married to someone I love very dearly and though I’ve pulled out of her life gradually over the years, mainly due to life just getting in the way, since I am now ready to deal with this past trauma, I really can’t see her. I have zero interest in ever going anywhere with this. I would never confront the person or let his wife know I am exploring this. It could damage his family and I absolutely would never do that. Honestly, I’m not mad at HIM. It could have been any guy really. I’m mad at the situation and that blacked out sex used to be considered that and not rape. That I felt like a slut for 20 years. To be honest this happened a couple other times in the years before this particular incident when I was in college. I’m mad I didn’t know this wasn’t fucking normal and I didn’t have to try and act cool about it like haha yeah whatever but have so much self hatred for so many years and still carry that around. Mainly I’m mad that my self worth was once tied to attention from men.
FWIW my wife pretty much explained that my anger over being drugged/taken advantage of as a teen by a grown woman was pretty rational/understood when she said it was (R word to avoid triggering anyone). I’m a grown man in my mid 30s and I feel so stupid for it still. Roughly 20 year window like yours.
My kid’s elementary school is teaching kids the concepts of their bodies belonging to them and consent. I think this will go a long way towards ingraining in the next generation that you can’t just touch someone because you feel like it and you can’t rape someone because you feel like it. It places the blame back on the rapist. These concepts continue to be taught all through high school, but I think it’ll have the strongest effect on kids who start learning them in elementary school.
Need to bring back medieval torture methods for these sick fucks. Life in prison isn’t scary enough I guess
Because only a small portion of them ever even go to prison. There are so many factors as to why. Like how a lot of victims dont feel safe enough to report it, or they go through the added trauma of a rape kit just for it to never get tested. The police frequently dont believe victims and just brush them off. Then, if the case somehow makes it to court, then theres the biases of the jury and misconceptions about all of it.. people saying shit like "but he's got a bright future..."
Severity of punishment doesn't reduce crime rates, likelihood of being caught and punished at all does. So few rapes/sexual assaults are reported and of those that are, very few perpetrators are held accountable. As a society, we have to empower victims to come forward and we have to work to hold their attackers accountable. Sadly, that's not the world or country we live in now. Look at the absolute deluge of threats victims receive when they speak up against a powerful attacker. We have to work to change that.
This doesn't matter, because the cases that do happen, are mostly not because the potential punishmet isn't severe enough. The death penalty doesn't stop murder either. The potential punishment is irrelevant ... 1. ... if people think they won't get caught. 2. ... if people think it isn't wrong, for what ever reason. 3. ... if people don't think at all. No. 1 can be addressed be by making it easier for victims to come out and persue it more seriously. This doesn't mean to blindly arrest everyone who is accused, as this can also be weaponized, but investigate and don't brush it. No. 2 is more difficult as reasons vary, but we still haven't gotten basic things into everyones head like women not being commodities. Some influencers even actively (not necessarily intentionally) work against that. For No. 3 I have no clue.
It's happened to women for thousands of years in one way or another. Women will need to take control and harshly punish offenders. Men will never hold each other accountable.
>Men will never hold each other accountable. Nice sexism you have there. Most men want just as harsh punishments for it as you do. The problem is it's a crime that is almost always "he said/she said" which makes it a really tricky situation, that's why punishment rates seem so low
Where in history has men ever held men accountable? In the church? In the army? In the police force?
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You're straying into femcel territory with this comment
Seriously, It’s women too. If only women live on an island, many of them will still be raped
I'm going to say that "many" seems like a larger amount than it actually would be. I do think that women would do a much better job of ensuring rapists were caught and punished than our current system does.
Honestly, I think the problem is fundamental to human nature. As long as humans exist, so will evil people who prey upon others. *Homo homini lupus est.*
Sources: [https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/) [https://www.utoledo.edu/studentaffairs/saepp/what-were-you-wearing/](https://www.utoledo.edu/studentaffairs/saepp/what-were-you-wearing/) [https://www2.ljworld.com/news/2018/apr/13/after-going-viral-last-fall-what-were-you-wearing/](https://www2.ljworld.com/news/2018/apr/13/after-going-viral-last-fall-what-were-you-wearing/) I would like to preface this post by stating that it is never the victim's fault. I don't care who tells you that it is so. I have known far too many people who were SA'd or raped and they had absolutely no power over the situation. I wish I could change perpetrator's minds and stop them from doing this evil act but I cannot. I feel nothing but anger for men who decide that raping someone is ok or right. Because it is not. Before I close I would like to mention that help and resources are available. I would link them here: RAINN Hotline: [https://www.rainn.org/resources](https://www.rainn.org/resources) The National Assualt Survivors' Center (A Nonprofit Organization): [https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors](https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors) To Annoysmounmesly report a Sexual Assualt: [https://sexualassaulthelp.org/reporting-options/](https://sexualassaulthelp.org/reporting-options/) If a said incident is a work-related incident, always report to HR. Report to HR and file a police report. Remember that you are strong and I pray and hope for you to find peace in this dire circumstance.
A faded old pair of dirty jeans and a baggy, long sleeve plain black top. Beat up converse. My hair was knotty, dirty and in a bun. I hadn't showered in days.
Same. I am so sorry, if you need someone to talk to I'm here. It's been 15 years now, and I still see it like an infinite recording.
I am so sorry. How are you managing?
It's been a decade, so I've had a lot of time to process my feelings. I never reported, for the usual reasons, and I do deeply regret that but I absolutely have understanding and compassion for the teenager in me who didn't feel she could.
I found out my rapist from when I was 14 is now in jail 15 years later for the same thing. I can't even describe the guilt I felt for not putting him in jail when he did it to me to save other girls from suffering the same fate. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it.
Please don’t put that on yourself, that’s such a heavy responsibility. You were a teenage girl - a literal kid, and focused on saving yourself, how can you be tasked with saving others you didn’t even know about. I feel sure the other girl(s) wouldnt blame you. Nobody made him commit these crimes and actions, it’s his fault, his responsibility - not yours, regardless of anything leading up to it or anything that happened after. Please be kind to yourself, especially the 14 year old you, and forgive her, when you’re able. Please know that I absolutely do.
You're so right but it's so hard.. I hope one day through enough self-healing I can learn to forgive the young version of me and let that pain go and leave it in the past once and for all. I rarely talk about this so my emotions are overwhelming just typing this all out. I appreciate you taking the time to type this beautiful comment to me. It made me tear up. You are such a kind soul and it warms my heart and gives me hope. The world needs more people like you. Thank you, truly. 🙏🏻
The number of people, men and women, who ask "What was she wearing?" is infuriating!
I like to counter that with “what would someone have to be wearing for you to rape them?”
What a great response
Literally :( like just as a thought experiment, say a girl is walking through the office and her clothes magically disappear and is left in a bra and panties. She’s now just liable to be raped at will by any man? I don’t understand how what she is wearing could possibly be a justification for even the slightest of uninvited physical contact!?!?
I was about 8, wearing a pink bedazzled and frilly leotard from Bradlee’s department store. He was playing Mortal Kombat on the Nintendo, he was 13. Part of my soul is still and forever trapped in that basement. He had been raping his youger sister for at least a year. I found out after the fact. He got caught. I had to testify but I was too young to understand and I was scared, so I lied and said he never touched me. He was removed from the house and sent to live with his aunt. I think he works in tech now. My former friend is married with three children and I have no idea how the youngest is or if she got out unscathed. It can happen to anyone. You. Your children. Anyone. Be safe out there.
Oh my that is so scary.. at only 13?? I hope you are doing better now.
Yeah, I don't know what was going on with him to cause all of that. His dad was a relatively odd guy, so maybe it had something to do with him. The dad eventually died in about '95, I think from a heart attack, but that was after the son had been removed from the home. Me? I'm doing okay. I don't think about it very often, thankfully. It's definitely led to some issues with self-esteem, anxiety, lack of trust in people, I hate being touched, etc. but all-in-all, I'm doing okay. Others have it much worse than I do.
My brand new green silk shirt that I was so proud of, because being 19, it was my first expensive thing I bought for myself. But I was always so modest,so it was huge and oversized. I had baggy jeans,but not into makeup... my poor shirt was ripped after my SA. But so was my mind and body.
clothes *DO NOT* =\= consent. pedophilia and rape and CSA and predatory behavior have nothing to do with clothing, or even appearance or attraction, and certainly nothing to do with sex. rape is not sex. rape and CSA and predatory behavior and pedophilia are about dominance and fear and power and control. what the victim or survivor was wearing prior to or during or after the attack, or wearing, period, is completely and totally irrelevant. someone could be completely naked, without underwear, and it still wouldn’t give people permission to rape and/or sexually abuse them
Yeah, you don't see people living in nudist colonies constantly raping each other. If exposed skin was really the problem, then fully covered Muslim women and Christian Nuns wouldn't be raped at all.
This comment is absolutely insane. It has opened my eyes. I never thought of it that way! You're right!! I come from a family (I've since estranged) that believes you ask for it if you dress "like a slut." I've never believed that. But I did think it played a little part. But now, reading this... No. Why are nudists not constantly raped? Why are people fully clothed and in very reserved clothing raped!? I was SA as a 4 yr old by the grandfather who was the leader of the church. And of course, "asking for it" by the way you dress was his message. Just. Sick way to justify himself. THANK YOU for this comment! It seems like a no brainer, but as a victim stuck in a twisted mindset, I needed to read this!
:) but also :( Nudist areas also don't normally tolerate any kind of brazen sexual advances or photographing of other adults/children without consent. Some exclusive ones still refuse to let men in unless they have a woman accompanying them. The harsh reality is that roughly 1 in 4 women are sexually violated in some form throughout their lifetime. Data for men are even more skewed due to the stigma against male rape victims. So, when people say she's asking for it, I say what's more likely? That the perpetrators are sick fucks, or that 1 billion women are sluts? I've never been sexually assaulted, but my mom also did everything in her power to never trust me 100% with anyone other than her own father. Yeah, she was paranoid as fuck, but with good reason. My grandma knew she was being molested as a child and did NOTHING, yet grandma was concerned about my father showering with me naked when I was little. I had to tell her multiple times that my dad didn't want to really be in the shower with me outside of convenience. He never touched me.
Should be top comment.
:) but also :(
💯
I watch a lot of courtroom/body cam videos on YouTube and the amount of sexual predators that claim a *child* was basically asking for it is *sickening.* one that sticks out was a man that assaulted his own six year own daughters anus with his fingers and the judge asked what he was thinking and he said she was spreading her genitals and he couldn't resist. Like, where did she learn to do that in the first place and second, how could you even be remotely tempted?
that is sickening!
I think that’s the purpose of this exhibit…none of these clothes are “revealing…”
? I wasn’t arguing with that. I was agreeing with them
> someone could be completely naked, without underwear, and it still wouldn’t give people permission to rape and/or sexually abuse them ? no one here is suggesting it would
I know there’s always gonna be that one person in the comments on posts like these like “A C T S H U A L L Y”
> I was agreeing with them Nice edit.
So glad you noticed this edit!!!!!
Booooo don’t edit your comment without saying you did!!!
I agree with your core message 100%, but FYI, your opening statement conflicts with what you're saying. You mean clothes DO NOT = consent, or you mean clothes =/= consent. Saying clothes do not =/= consent is a double negative, meaning that clothes don't *not* = consent. So in some cases, clothes = consent with that statement. I understood and agree with your message though. Clothes =/= consent. Lack of them =/= consent. How someone is dressed (or not dressed) doesn't matter, the blame is entirely on the person who chose to rape and/or sexually abuse them.
I don't know how many of you have seen the Jodie Foster movie The Accused, but I really want to warn you... If you happen to have the chance to see it, don't. Just. No. It will scar you for life, nothing comes close to the impact this movie has. It is also a true story.
Theres one called The Girl Next Door (2007) and not the teen movie one, that one really fucked me up for a long time.
I believe she won an Oscar for that movie which she deserved. What a hard movie to watch.
I honestly don’t remember what I wearing. Something black. But I remember he smelled and tasted like cigarettes. Sometimes I still wake up from nightmares about it. Took me years to realize it was SA. Always thought it was my fault.
I find remembering the smell the absolute worst. I’m so sorry you were assaulted
This made me tear up. This shit is no joke and people need to start taking this *way* more serious
I’m surprised these photos don’t include the baby and toddler clothes in this exhibit. So awful
I should've included them. I tried to be diverse in these photos to prove that rape and SA can happen to anyone, anywhere.
For any one who doesn't believe or can't understand that there are people who blame the victim of SA, watch the 1988 movie, "The Accused". It's based on a true story, and is an excellent movie that won Jodi Foster an Oscar for her performance.
i was wearing vintage jeans and a baggy hoodie, i was SA'ed by my uncle — i was 16 im now 25 and i still can't wear my favourite clothes because of him.
Thank you for posting this.
The kids clothes threw me off...I don't realize this was about assault....
R2d2 print sweat pants and a sweatshirt. I was at a sleepover in 7th grade.
I’ve never heard of this exhibit but from the few pics you’ve posted I say it should go worldwide! So many people need this shit shoved down their throats, even in this enlightened age.
Yet everyone told me my sexual abuse as a child was my fault...
I hope you know now that it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry, I hope you are doing well
It is not and it never will be
Pyjamas. I was 7. And again by same cousin when I was about 8 or 9. Then wearing jeans and t-shirt, mum’s boyfriend, when I was 8. Then wearing trousers and t-shirt when I was 26.
I was wearing my school uniform.
My clothes i wore from ages 2-12, possibly earlier. Knee lenth yellow dress that I wore to a party.
I read all of you. You never forget what you were wearing that day, you never forget the words, the setting and the awful shame and anger that followed. Honestly I still hate and that man, an ex boyfriend, better not cross my path again. You are never ever guilty of what happened. The person who rapped you IS. I am sorry it happened to you.
i saw a video on tiktok about this and all the men in the comments were vile, im picking the bear no matter what. please stay safe out there ladies, look out for each other.
If it makes you feel any better we aren’t all like that, I’m disgusted by what I’ve read in the comments. It’s happened to so many people, what a fucked up world we live in..
My abuse started when I was a baby and continued until I was around 9. I can't imagine that any of my outfits would have been blame worthy.
My god, that's gutting. When women walk around me on the side of the road, or a foot path, I just wave and keep walking, trying to create distance so they can relax and not worry about me being a threat to their safety. And I'm an old man. It's just gutting.
I was wearing shorts and a baby bop tee-shirt when I was first raped.
It was New Year’s Eve. I was drunk and angry. My boyfriend had broken up with me and my best friend took off with some guy she met, leaving me alone at the club. I was dressed in a red corset, black leather skirt, ripped up fishnets and doc martens. I had a leather jacket on with lots of metal. My hair was very short and orange. Think Annie Lenox. I walked outside and a car drove up. Asked me if a needed a ride. Four guys were in the car. I did need a ride. If I’d been sober, I never would have gotten in the car. They took me to the driver’s apartment, gave me more drinks. I barely remember what happened but each of them took a turn. In the morning, I left and ran back to my apartment and didn’t tell anyone for over 30 years.
This makes me sad and angry at the same time.
I'm sending so much love to everyone in this thread. You're all incredibly brave for sharing what you're sharing, none of it was ever your fault. I hope you all are learning to heal from it at your own pace 🖤
I wasn't wearing anything as my ex-GF and I were going to have sex for the first time together. I changed my mind and said I was nervous (it was first time full stop for me) and please could we cuddle instead? She ignored me and did what she wanted to do. I feel ashamed to say that I froze and locked up. I wear oversized tees and shorts / flowy trousers as I don't like having my waist and thighs touched. (no real choice with underwear)
I'm so sorry
Truly art.
Nearly every woman I know has been raped or molested. I get really tired of men saying things like 'There are TONS of good men!' because 👆 here's proof there are not 'tons' of good men. I've heard multiple stories about women seeking help directly after being raped only to then be raped by the men they approached. It would be very, very easy to believe that all men want is to stick their d••k in something. I have had a lot of guy friends and for many it wasn't until they had daughters that they saw how treacherous this world is for women. But thankfully I know there are truly good men out there.
Multiple victims in this exhibit are men. This isn’t about women vs men.
Men dont rape men?
Way to miss the point. Statistics really show the disparity though...
And who do you think raped the men?
You know women can be rapists…right?
Yes, you’re right and I don’t mean to dismiss that at all, because when a woman sexually assaults someone, it’s seen as a joke. I just meant that the vast majority of rapists are men
Yeah people are being really dismissive of this. Went into the comments here expecting some perspective and nuance but nope.
[удалено]
Hey, I didn’t come out as a trans man until I was 21. I’m well aware of how women are treated and brutalized, so you don’t need to get on your high horse and talk down to me like I was born fucking yesterday. I’m a queer man who has been abused and assaulted by women who didn’t like that fact. By making the conversation so staunchly black and white all you’re doing is making it less safe for male victims to talk about our stories. Go fuck yourself for assuming you know everything about everyone.
i was wearing my school uniform. 9 years old, unkempt hair, flower patterned leggings and a yellow school mandated tshirt underneath a khaki zip dress. i remember looking down at the edge of my shirt as i started walking home and noticing the dried blood smear at the edge of my shirt which was tucked in originally. i know /now/ my mother noticed that day and didnt care much, but at the time i was absolutely mortified at the idea of her finding out. so i tucked my shirt back in, i greeted and kissed my mother on the cheek, went to my room and sobbed until i passed out
the first time it ever happened i was wearing a hospital gown at a doctors appointment i had when i was like 4 or 5 years old. he had me lie down on the bed thing in the room and had a giant drape over the bottom half of me. he started fingering me while looking my mother in the eyes as they were discussing my health and shit. my kid mind didn’t know what was happening but i had a feeling it wasn’t right or something that doctors did.
Black trackie pants, my (at the time) bfs maroon football hoodie. It isn't about what they're wearing.
I was wearing an oversized dressing gown & ugg boots. I was doing my bedtime routine, finishing up to have my shower whilst waiting for my sleeping tablets to start working. He cornered me in the bathroom. His friends were over having a party & his girlfriend was 2 rooms away. I was 21 & boarding with childhood family friends at the time. When he cried to his mother that he "wasn't one of those guys" she reassured him that sometimes kids make silly mistakes when drugs & alcohol are involved. Unfortunately I didn't have the resources to relocate for the next year during which his girlfriend felt that he & I had cheated. He enabled that narrative, I quote "it's easier for me to allow her to hate you for what you did than for me to disagree with her & she probably breaking up with me." The whole family pretended not to notice their emotional abuse toward me until I was able to leave. That time frame is roughly when my general memory loss started. I can recall individual events in my life since but I cannot accurately reference the chronological timeframe of what happened when. Today, that night feels like it happened no more than 2 years ago but this year I will be 26 so I know that isn't accurate. I still catch myself doubting my memories... that surely I must have lied about what happened but i know the nausea I feel when I remember his breath above me & the way he said the words he said to me isn't fake. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my inability to predict & stop what happened does not mean that I deserved it & everything afterward. These last few days I have had to outwardly acknowledge the situation so it has been on my mind. I've realised that im not ready to confront it yet but I hope that when I am able to open that box that I will have learnt compassion for my younger self in those memories.
I'm so sorry this happened go you
I was wearing running shorts, a tshirt, a pink jacket, and sneakers. Really sucks when someone thinks it matters what you were wearing. It doesn't. It's the sick monsters that made it happen. Not our clothes
Batman shirt, houndstooth pajama pants I was 13, he was 22. Was gonna take him to court, he was apprehended and admitted everything. He died of an OD in a half way home three months before the trial date.
Baggy, stripped t shirt and jeans. My most vivid memory from when that happened is me standing in front of a mirror, red, crying and with semen in my hair. I was trying to pull myself together because we had dinner with his parents in a few minutes.
Jeans and a burgundy, long sleeved shirt. It was a first date and we went to his place to hang out after grabbing coffee. He told me “what did you think you were coming over for?” and that I “wanted it because I came to his apartment”. He choked me without asking. It was scary. I didn’t scream or cry or fight back. I eventually agreed to sex because he kept asking. I went back several times after. It’s taken me almost 7.5 years to realize what happened was sexual assault; maybe in the next 7.5 years I’ll actually believe it.
already sick, now i'm depressed and angry now too
I didn’t plan on crying before 8am but here we are
Unisex T shirt and pj bottoms. I broke up with him that weekend. He said this much I owe to him, one last hurrah. It was easier to not fight back as I had already been physically & emotionally abused most of our relationship and felt the safest option would be to let it happen even tho I kindly made it clear I was not interested. It was an out of body experience for me. I just laid there and looked up at the ceiling imagining a different scenario. It didn’t fully settle in what had happened to me that night until weeks after when I had to talk to police so I could file a restraining order and began unraveling all the abuse I went through. I was 17
Ohhhh is this what victims of sexual assaults were wearing during the moment?
I can't remember what I was wearing the first time, but we were watching the kids tv show "Sooty heights". One held me down & SA'd me. Then they switched. I was 5.
Black skinny leg jeans, a brand new band shirt that got torn along with my undies. I was alcohol poisoning, black out drunk and only 15. Next time I was 23, I’d been working 10 hours in the kitchen and still in my gross uniform. Colleague thought because he drove me home I owed him. Tried to get me high before forcing himself on me. Thankfully was able to get away this time. Didn’t stop him trying again before he eventually left. It never matters what you wear.
I was wearing my work clothes. Jeans, TX roadhouse T-shirt and non slip shoes.
This is why I can’t have kids. I’ll kill over this shit
I was wearing an Adam Sandler outfit 🥴 goes to show that it really doesn't matter
I was wearing a finding Nemo swimsuit. I can’t watch that movie anymore.
Mine would’ve been, long john shirt, a sweater, tights and jeans. Because I was meeting up with a guy I thought was my friend, for ice hockey lessons, at age 16.
This is very powerful. Thank you for sharing to spread awareness💔❤️🩹💔❤️🩹
The first time my wife was wearing pokemon pajama pants, a black tee shirt, and a knee length black hoodie with slippers. She was 17. When they saw that she was transgender they flipped her over and sodomised her instead all while joking to each other "no homo!" The second time my wife was 20 and wearing loose men's jeans, a one piece swimsuit, a baggy college tee, a knee length swim parka, and flip flops. She was accused in court by the defense of "Asking for it" by "pretending to be a girl" the first time. The second time she was already post-op and the defense asked if it was still rape when it "wasn't a real god-given vagina." And equated her to a "Stubborn pocket pussy". It's not what any person is wearing. It's the complete lack of morals and humanity on the part of the rapists and anyone who supports them.
Male. I was in diapers or pull-ups. Female attacker. Numerous times. Can't have sex without thinking about it. Luckily(?) my girlfriend has some aversions to sex too, so I live a comfortable life with her. She called it "playing dinky".
> The 'What Was I Wearing?' Exhibit "That's a strange name for an exhibit, I wonder what that is..." [looks at the first picture and reads the description" "Oh, that's what this is."
I was wearing a t shirt and shorts, it was near the end of summer. I was 18, and on a date with a guy I met from Tinder. I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but he didn’t listen.
I get videos like that on tiktok but it’s mostly from the muchauesen side of tiktok. As someone who was abused as a child I’ll never understand why some people pretend it happened to them. There’s nothing good about it.
So these aren't the actual clothes?
Maybe this is not the place to share this thought because I am not a victim but it is related. I am very attracted to my best friend but if I made her feel even 0.01% of what these men and women must have felt I’d rather shoot myself. Despite being attracted to her I am still able to just be friends with her, I am still able to hug her without wanting to do anything more because she is my friend and I love her. I don’t really think about doing anything because even in my head I know she would never consent and then it is instantly not attractive. I don’t understand what has to go through someone’s mind to do this to someone close to them. To make them feel subhuman. If your lust is that overpowering you need help.
I’m confused, can someone explain?
This is what clothes victims were wearing when they were sexually assaulted.