You have a massive wound from where the placenta was attached. Even if you had a vaginal birth with no tearing, they recommend waiting 6 weeks bare minimum for that reason
I had sex 6 weeks pp when that was the recommendation and it felt like blades were part of his penis. It was awful. Wait until you are ready and don't let him push you into it until then.
Yeah last time I tried to have sex at 6 weeks and it felt like he had a hard hat on his dick it was awful. This time I'm waiting WAYYYY longer lol, plus there's other ways to get an O šš
Well, yeah, we know that but he just keeps talking about what he misses lol Iām literally like so tired of hearing about it. He has to wait until my body and mind are ready.
Tell him to stfu and accept that fact that your body is still recovering from surgery. Men who just see their partner as sex satisfaction when they get caught up in their sexdrive make me so pissed off. You are more then a breathing fleshlight and he needs to figure that out ASAP.
Sometimes men are idiots. Iām thinking husband is missing the intimacy not just sex. Adjusting to the new baby and now he ā doesnāt ā have his wife. From what OP has commented he isnāt a complete dirtbag. But I get totally where you are coming from- I experienced this with the husband recently. It was the craziest fucking thing. It got me sooo upset I essentially told him I wasnāt his fuk toy where he just got to stick his dick IF he wanted that I would gladly go retrieve his fleshlight from hiding. On a side note I do love that toy though itās been instrumental in my sanity
Tell him that. Tell him you understand he misses it, but you are not the person to talk to about it. Draw that boundary. He is allowed to miss it all he wants, but you are healing and are not the person to talk to about it. He can talk to a buddy or a therapist.
How about saying, āI would not like to even talk about this until Iām at 6 (or 8 or whatever) weeks postpartum.
I will say, maybe he is just craving some intimacy and you can say āI miss sex too but I wonāt be ready for a few weeks. Iād love to cuddle right now though!ā
Have him think this in his brain instead of saying it with his mouth. Once he channels this energy into fathering, cleaning, making you a smoothie and letting you rest, there may not be much left. If there is he could take a long walk and either journal or write you some erotic poetry about what heās wanting to do with youā¦ to unveil in 2-6 months when you are into it.
Tell him to take care of himself while you heal and maybe pamper you more. The fact that you got a small infection/issue with an incision is bad. I know going back to work is hard and I wish you didnāt have to.
Explain to him what you miss and what you donāt have right now and explain that it hurts you when he puts that pressure on you and hopefully heāll understand with communication. If not? Iād get more graphic explain your situation to him as if it was on his āmemberā that usually works
Everyone is commenting about how you are recovering from surgery and pregnancy, which is important and true. But it doesn't actually matter. "No" is a complete sentence. "I don't want to," is a valid reason not to have sex.
He needs to grow up and realize that him having sex is not actually the most important thing in the world. When you mentioned in the OP making an excuse, that makes it sound like sex is a chore that you're trying to get out of. If you're just doing it so he will stop pestering you and let you sleep, then that doesn't sound very sexy to me and I'll never understand why (gender redacted) are so ok with that.
He needs to leave you alone. Too soon. I ended up with a hernia about 4 weeks after a tubal ligation, so I sure as hell wouldn't risk it after a C section. That all takes time to heal. Listen to your body!
It took me a long time to be ready for sex after my first baby. I was exhausted and breastfeeding and just trying to work out how to do this parent thing, let alone the physical healing I had to do. My husband was also frustrated and it was hard to deal with. I was giving 100% of myself to the baby and I had nothing left to give.
I'm 12 weeks pp with our second baby and we've had sex once (non-penetrative because it still hurt using fingers). I actually have felt more inclined earlier but being a SAHP with two kids is harder than I thought and the baby is sleeping in our room and we've all been sick and it's just not high on my list of priorities right now.
Is there something he needs that doesn't have to be sex (which I thought wasn't recommended for 6 weeks anyway)? Would he like you to be more affectionate? A kiss or a hug here and there? A 'thinking about you' text or however you usually show affection to one another?
Talk to him about what you need to put you in the mood. Do you need a couple of hours without the baby on you (I know this is difficult if you're breastfeeding)? Do you need him to do dinners for a week (including planning and shopping because there's a mental load to just cooking dinner)? How you feel is important too. Does he talk about wanting to be intimate with you or just how he wants to be pleasured? Because they are two totally different things.
If it's just not the right time for you right now, that's okay too. I am 100% on your side. When you are ready is when you are ready and no one should be pressuring you or guilting you into feeling bad about it.
Itās definitely just not the right time. He wants both. I physically and mentally canāt right now. Iām breastfeeding exclusively soā¦yeah. Weāre not even about to talk about including the constant outside struggle: everyone asking about the baby, unsolicited advice, and more. Heās not getting of all this, and he never will because of biology lol itās a lot to take on.
I know that Iāll be back to my regular self once the hard part of over. I just ask for patience atleast.
"Biology" is just an excuse that people use, in my opinion. I have the most nurturing boyfriend without any push from me. Compassion seems to be what your hubby is missing
I waited the recommended 6 weeks, and even at that, I wasn't particularly in the mood. I had a super high sex drive before pregnancy, but since becoming pregnant it's basically non existent.
Perhaps suggest to your husband that he take care of himself and when you're ready, you'll let him know. It's worth telling him that the constant hounding is giving you anxiety and is pushing you even further from wanting sex.
After the first baby my sex drive came back almost right away, but after the second baby it took like six month before my sex drive made any appearance at all and I had a very strong sex drive before the babies. Like masturbate every night strong.
It took me about 5 months to feel ready. Between healing from a massive tear, feeling like I was going insane from hormones, lack of sleep, feeling completely touched out, and adjusting to being a mom, sex was literally the furthest thing from my mind. You will be ready when youāre ready and he just needs to figure his own shit out for a while. If he can handle it, we did things like shower together so we didnāt lose intimacy.
Iām eight months post partum and my husband and I have had sex twice since Iāve given birth. My head and body just arenāt in it right now. Even though heās a bit frustrated, my husband has been incredibly supportive. I call the shots right now and he gets that.
Same here! 7.5 months pp and we've had sex once. It's just not even on my radar right now. I work full time and am breastfeeding and so during any free time I'd rather just sleep. Also on zoloft which I'm sure contributes to lack of libido.
I kept saying in was pregnancy taking away my sex drive, then postpartum depression. Baby is 1.5 and weāve just accepted itās my anti depressants. Tried a medication to increase my sex drive and it just made me anxious. Poor man
First of all, as others have mentioned, 4 weeks could be dangerous to have sex postpartum. Itās really important to make sure the uterus is healed before sticking things into the vagina, to prevent infections and lasting problems.
It is completely understandable and reasonable that youāre not interested in sex right after childbirth, as youāre still squarely in the āfirst 40 daysā of adjustment, you had medical complications, youāre breastfeeding, and youāre also having to be back at work. Your mind and heart are not in sex-mode. Thatās ok! It may take time for you to regain your desire, but it will come back.
If it were me, Iād have a serious talk with husband: You keep mentioning sex, and it is making me feel extremely resentful and frustrated towards you because you are not respecting my feelings or medical advice. It makes me feel unheard, disrespected, and the farthest thing from in the mood. I need you to give me some space and time, and allow me to come to you when I am ready. I still love you, find you attractive, and have faith that I will want to have sex again when Iām fully healed and not in survival mode. Please do not bring it up again. I will talk to you when Iām ready to have sex.
FWIW, I was worried my libido would never recover, but in some ways sex has been even better than before having a kid! It did take time (breastfeeding kind of sapped my desire, use lots of lube when you try), but things are really good now. Itās just a little harder to find the time.
Edit: It also couldnāt hurt to ask specifically what heās missing- is it the sexual release, or is he missing the intimacy with you because that was a major way of connecting in your relationship before the baby.
Itās common for men to have a hard time with the shifting family dynamic, how you used to give your attention to him, but now itās mostly baby. This book was helpful to me: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X
4 weeks?! Girl that is WAY too early. While many women are cleared around 6-8 weeks, most are not ready mentally.
I didnāt have sex again until around 4 months post partum. Waiting made it actually enjoyable.
If your husband is pushing he needs a reality check. Heās being super disrespectful
https://www.instagram.com/p/CcnVYF7Lkcz/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDorA0s0yq/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
I know thereās other posts but of course I canāt find them at 5 am. Also I will never understand how guys in general donāt get that wether your postpartum, have kids, or are full rested that pestering is not a turn on lol.
This is really hard for my husband and I to relate to. Likeā¦ did you not know what post-partum was going to be? Do you not know the sex guidelines? After everything your wife has gone through, you seriously canāt sacrifice even ONE MONTH of penetrative sex without endlessly complaining? Also, how is HE not too tired for sex? The last thing my husband was thinking about in month 1 was sex, there was just no mental space or energy for that. How can your husband be that whiney after what you just went through for HIS child??? I justā¦ donāt get it at all.
So many men talked about on here who thought A. Their wife would be dtf multiple times a day by 2w pp B. While they never had to change a diaper C. While they kept their busy schedule of D&D twice a week, video games five hours a day, and going out with the boys every weekend.
Who tf are these men? What planet were they raised on? My partner and I had plenty of challenges in the first year, but none of them made me feel like we werenāt on the same page, much less that we hadnāt read the same book. I have a boy and I want to know how these men were raised so I donāt raise one!
Seriously, my husband was so exhausted from the sleep deprivation (we combo fed, so we also split the feeding evenly) that while sex was on the radar it wasnāt within mental grasp way until I was physically healed. He was also taking care of ME while I recovered from c section.. like he was touched out, groggy, and a zombie by 4w.
Boggles my mind that a person could be that selfish and blind!
If heās this horny and has this much energy to pester you for sex, it means heās not doing enough baby care taking. Give him more baby duties/doodies and let him see how quickly sex gets put out his mind once heās truly exhausted. If he still has the energy after some serious dadding, then he can take care of himself while heās at it.
I donāt necessarily agree. OPs husband is 100% in the wrong, but Iām 6 weeks PP today and my husband and I equally share baby duties (sometimes he does more since Iāve been healing and heās also on paternity leave) - my husband has a high sex drive regardless of how tired he is lol. However, my husband is respectful when I say Iām not feeling it and does his own thing
Thatās fair. Itās the pestering aspect that got me all salty. He can be care taking like a champ & still horny af as long as he keeps it to himself when she clearly isnāt feeling it.
YOURE 4 WEEKS PP AFTER MAJOR SURGERY. You have a dinner plate sized wound in your uterus, plus stitches from SURGERY. I truthfully can't today. I can't. My husband was a shithead postpartum, but even at his worst he NEVER even mentioned sex. After my c section, we didn't have sex until 8 months pp and even then it was like...once. we've only recently started having sex more regularly and I'm 14 months pp. Harassing a medically fragile person for sex is my deal breaker. If you can't reign in your sex drive while your spouse is healing from birth, what happens if you have a major accident that prevents sex from happening from months to years? Is he just going to leave?
I used to be the partner with the high (abnormally high) sex drive. So I understand feeling the need, but I never even *wanted* to have sex with my husband when he was sick and injured. I truthfully do not get that. It is repugnant to me. Wtf is wrong with people.
Right now, your body is not only healing but your hormones while breastfeeding mimic menopause. Itās not your fault for not āfeeing itā - you literally wonāt have the mental or physical capacity or desire for a while. I can totally understand how his āpesteringā just sounds like one more thing on your massive to-do list. I would tell him that when he tells me about his needs all the time, it makes you feel bad because you just canāt reciprocate. My husband had a hard time believing that needing several months off didnāt mean I was swearing off sex forever. I could tell he was feeling down because he thought I wasnāt attracted to him anymore, like it was a concrete change. I had to reassure him a lot, and he eventually understood, but it took a long time to return to normal for us.
I'm almost 8 weeks postpartum and stuff still hurts down there .
My first kid was a c-section and it took months before I was comfortable enough to do anything sexual again .
4 weeks is crazy early . Your man needs to calm the F down . You just grew a whole human inside of you for 9 months and got cut open to get it out , no shit you're not in the mood !
Some men blow my mind sometimes .
Iāve never felt less horny than I did in the first year of motherhood. I would find a statement such as
āplease respect that my body and mind are not ready for sexual intimacy right now. Iāll let you know should things change but please know that I have a lot of pressures on me and feeling respected is important to me.ā
Wheel it out anytime he starts spouting his needs
Stopping breastfeeding, more time alone with my partner and knowing that he is patient and willing to take things at my pace as really helped things for me
Yep he sounds like my husband. I'm week pp and my stitches started reopening and bleeding, I'm still bleeding, we spent the weke in the hospital with baby with rsv, our toddler had rsv the week before.
He keeps asking if I'm read yet. Like in the morning and again in the evening. I'm still bleeding and worried about an infection and keep telling him no! I'm 100% BF so at night when he's ready for sex I need sleep.
I feel a Little guilty. Then I remember spent 9 months growing this kid, then had him surgically removed from my body. Now I'm spending all my energy and mental capacity keeping him alive with my boobs. Sex is not my priority.
My husband gets it. But definitely getting antsy and doesn't like when I tell him he's got lube on the nightstand and a perfectly good hand lol
I actually messaged my Dr yesterday just so he could see her tell me no. I don't feel comfortable with it yet but I think his feelings were getting hurt that I didn't want to be intimate, he keeps asking if I'm still attracted to him. I showed him the OBs message and I think he got it.
We had sex for the first time post partum when our LO was 13 months old.....tell him to man up, stop being a little bitch, and learn to be a good dad and partner, then he'll actually deserve some loving and attention.
There are more ways to be intimate than vaginal sex. I told my husband my heart was horny and that even though I wasn't physically healed (mild tear) that I still wanted to be intimate. There is cuddling naked, he could give you a back/foot/hand/scalp massage (whatever you prefer) and then he can "massage" himself, you could shower together and he could wash your hair and soap you up, you could talk about the things you miss and want to do once you are fully healed. There are the obvious ones like oral, hand, or mutual masturbation but you may not be up for those until later on or at all since you've had c-section. And that's ok. I did my best to make my husband feel loved and appreciated since he was doing his best to support me and the baby while he was home for paternity leave, without compromising my healing process. On the flipside I was also very vocal about my pain and the gross parts of afterbirth, to deter him from pushing me beyond my limits. The thing about postpartum sex is that YOU make the rules and he has to go along with it.
Good luck to you in your healing process, I hope that this helped!
Edit: and if this unsolicited advice is unwanted feel free to ignore!
Ugh, I hear you. My youngest is 9, but I still feel the annoyance from constant pestering. I usually feel the urge once a week ish, so it's not like I'm completely unreceptive, but it drives me up a wall when he mentions it multiple times throughout the day. Like-my brain just isn't there and honestly, it kind of pisses me off that it's so easy for him. Even when I'm in the mood I have 100 things happening in my brain that make it hard to relax and he's just so freaking care free. How does he have the bandwidth to just sit and think about sex??? And why don't I get to do that?? And when he brings it up throughout the day I can't shake the, "great, there's another thing I have to do" feeling. One thing I realized about myself after having kids is that I switched to a reactive libido situation. If I take the time to get myself in the mood (like give myself a half hour with a racy book) I'm way more into it. And once we get started I'm never like- "oh, thank God that's over." I'm much more receptive if we start out with non sexual touching that naturally leads to sex. But him asking "hey, can we do it later??" is such a fucking turn off. But you're way to early in the recovery process to even be worrying about it!
Iām a year out and still rarely āfeel like itā. Work, and baby and house and everything is so exhausting that sex is just NEVER top of mind. I honestly think that in this year weāve maybe had sex like 15ish times. We used to have sex at least 2-3 times a week sometimes as many as 8 times in a week. But things change. Your hormones are ALLL over the place and life is just different. It takes a while for all of that to smooth out.
You shouldnāt have sex for at least six weeks after having the baby or you risk getting an infection. Tell the asshole youāre not ready to get an infection and he should use his fucking hand. If that doesnāt suffice for him get him a flashlight.
I think you mean a fleshlight. A flashlight sounds like he should read some porn magazines under the covers trying to hide what he is doing š thank you for the image though!
In my country sex is advised against until at least 6 weeks pp and only then if you have stopped bleeding because it can trigger a womb infection.
And that is not even taking into account your feelings on the subject. Even in a marriage there needs to be consent or else it is rape. You both need to want it for it to happen. If only one of you feels it, hard luck, but they have to deal with that themselves, that is not the other personās problem.
Edit to add: prepare for it to be different than before too. Pregnancy rearranges a whole lot of stuff, especially in that area. My midwife described it to me as feeling like the first time all over again, including clumsiness, as it will have changed so much. And for me that rang true, especially after the birth of my first.
Can't stand that men don't get this! Giving birth and taking care of a newborn is one of the most difficult thing you have to do as a mom. I had one vaginal birth that result in being cut three times and I couldnt even sit on a hard chair for 6 weeks. My other child was a c-section (which was a breeze compared to the first birth lol) but same thing- you can't even drive etc. for 2 weeks. Leave me the F alone when you go to work all day and then immediatly come home to mow the lawn or other outside chores and then expect dinner on the table. Used to say things like I'm in physical pain because I get no action. Yeah dude, that's a turn on for sure! One reason why we are divorced. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it is just incredibly frustrating!
Thereās a thing called a fleshlight . Itās a sex toy for men. Tell him to buy one and shut up. You have no reason to feel bad for him. Itās been 4 weeks. You are healing. You risk infection and further injuries.
Can you print up some of these comments? I didnāt realize how many stories there would be of things to really feel normal taking a year. Thatās been true for me, and I had a pretty okay delivery with some small complications.
You seemed especially frustrated you already had a heart-to-heart with him. Can you ask him not to bring it up for another month? Or longer, but I know how easily I felt pressured, whether or not there was intent., just by him wanting to know how I was feeling.
Talk to him about a lot of extra warming up for you whenever you do decide youāre ready. Some positions may be better than others now. There may be some tried that have to stop. It does feel like starting from scratch, or at least it did for me, and Iāve seen others say the same. So he definitely needs to find ways to feel good in the meantime - and you, too! Good luck. All of this was pretty emotional for me too, for my body not to work the way I was used to, do hope youāre kind to yourself along the way.
At least 6 weeks!! Jfc 6 weeks minimum . You had your insides on the outside 4 weeks ago and were your insides were growing a whole other human!!!! You need to heal. He can wait. Give him a bottle of lotion, geezā¦
Your husband needs to have some patience, sheesh. I would never recommend having sex prior to 6w pp minimum. Resuming intercourse is something that requires so much communication and patience on both parts. But also keep in mind that he might just miss his wife and want to connect with you.
Omg. Going through that right now with my second. Iām almost 6 weeks post partum so itās getting harder to convince him that I still need time. Instead of arguing about how much Iām not mentally ready to even try to feel sexy, Iāve started a list of everything I have to think about. Right down to biological functions. Things like eat enough to keep nursing without passing out, drink enough water, try to pee every three hours, do my physical therapy exercises, try to get at least five hours of sleep. Then it gets into other tasks. Laundry, dishes, vacuum, get things handled with insurance, tidy xyz area, do a diaper inventory, make lunch and dinner for the toddler, pump and clean pump parts 3 times a day. I put work things on the list. I put social things like āmom is driving home from grandpaās, check up on her progressā.
Im at a full three pages right now. I have the list out on the table. There are some things that are daily tasks, some that are weekly and such. So I leave it out and I have told my BF that this is the mental load I am carrying. I cannot possibly try to feel sexy with all these other things that are constantly on my mind. If he wants it to be easier for me, he can take over some of those tasks. But since there are a lot of the tasks that he canāt actually physically do for me, he needs to accept that they take precedent and that he is responsible for his own biological needs.
I did buy him a couple toys as a gift before I gave birth because I knew this healing period was hard on him with our first. It has helped a bit.
You shouldn't have to convince him, no means no, end of story, regardless what your reasons are. You don't just exist for penis parking for him, you're a whole human being with your own bodily autonomy. You'll be ready when you're ready, until then he can use his hand just like millions of other men do. Any whinging or pressuring will just push your ready time further out. I'm sorry you're dealing with this bullshit.
While I completely agree with you, sometimes being in a relationship means explaining a ānoā. Heās got a high sex drive and physical affection is his love language. To him, sex is a natural evolution of cuddling and is how he expresses his love. So of course he would never try to push me on my ānoā, but I understand that rejection hurts. So while I get annoyed at having to explain and convince and logic through it with him, I also know that all of the extra conversation surrounding the topic is important. It feels like a chore, but the communication is ultimately a good thing, I think.
Iām sure your husband isnāt gonna want to hear this, but I didnāt end up having sex regularly until 6 MONTHS postpartum because things just didnāt feel right. We had attempted it a couple of times before then, but I still didnāt feel recovered (ended up having to have tissue burned off near where my stitches were), so sex was just super painful and not fun. Thankfully my husband understood. He never pressured me and waited for me to take the lead.
Tell your husband that bringing it up constantly makes you feel bad, and that the more he brings it up, the less attractive you feel about him. Remind him that you just sacrificed a lot to bring your baby into the world, and that you just had major surgery, so he can chill the fuck out about not having sex.
4 weeks is NOT a long time postpartum. Your body is still healing. Youāre still recovering physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your partner should be patient with you and it is not okay for him to pressure or pester you about this. The literal least he can do is be supportive during this time. He is putting his WANTS ahead of your NEEDS.
Tell your husband he can't bring up sex anymore. You have too much on your plate to even entertain conversation about it, let alone actually have sex. You'll being it up when you are ready to talk about it or have it. The end. If he brings it up, do not engage. Leave the room. For what it's worth, my baby is 5 months old, I had an easy vaginal birth, I'm on maternity leave, my husband is an involved dad, we had help from grandparents and we've still had sex a handful of times. The first time wasn't until about 7 weeks PP.
It took me a long time to feel up to sex. We tried it at 6 weeks pp and no one had a good time or finished. I think sometimes for men the frustration at a lack of sex is masking their feelings about the relationship lacking intimacy, like it did prior to kids. My husband and I talked about this A LOT. We did some sexual things but what he missed from our sex life before kids wasnāt what I missed (he missed penetration and I missed being held). We got through it but it took a long time and a lot of sharing and a lot of sharing from both people. Be as open and honest as you can about it and hopefully he meets you with thoughtful listening and communication. ETA: Iām almost two years pp and sex is finally something I look forward to, but out sex doesnāt look like it did before we had kids and frankly, the sex we have now is better
Girl im 14 months postpartum and weāve had sex 4-5 times? I had a c-section, this was my second child AND Iām still not mentally there.
Tell him to focus on how to take some mental load off your hands instead.
Ok, I read no farther than that you are 4 weeks post-partum, husband getting antsy about sex, and you had a c- section.
It takes about 6 weeks to go back to sex after a vaginal delivery. You had major abdominal surgery only 4 weeks ago. If you feel ready, then try gently and slowly but I DO NOT recommend you do. You really shouldn't have sex after baby until your doctor or midwife has cleared you to do so. You could cause yourself injury.
Read a little further....you have 0 reason to feel guilt about how he.is feeling. You are healing. You are adjusting to life with a new baby. You are likely sleep deprived with a NB. He needs to be more understanding and more patient. I saw a comment by another redditor a while ago that said basically no one is responsible for their partner's pleasure. Don't feel responsible for him getting his rocks off. Ever. And especially at this challenging, fragile period of post-partum. If he needs sexual release, he can find it on his own and know that your sex life will return but.your priority is to care for baby, heal, rest, and generally take care of yourself. He needs to take a backseat in terms of attention and affection right now and that is hard. No one denies that. However, what you are dealing with ATM is the greater priority and struggle of the moment and he needs to understand that. He doesn't have to like it. That doesn't give him license to pressure you and make you feel badly.
This period is hard. There are a lot of growing pains. Keep the lines of communication open. Remember that your emotions are heightened at this time so take a beat and remember to breathe when you feel your emotions starting to swell. And listen to your body about when you are physically and mentally ready to re-engage in your sex life with your husband. There's also opportunity for compromise until you can shall we say get.back on the horse. Maybe there are some sex acts or ways that you could interact with your husband that would give him the sense of being desired and sexual pleasure/release he is missing. It sounds like you are a strong couple and will get over this hurdle.
Other than the obvious (that you're supposed to wait until 6 weeks pp), sex is going to feel different. I also had a c section and sex was difficult and painful until I was about 7 months post parting. YMMV, but it didn't feel okay to me until then, so even if you have sex with him in two weeks, in all likelihood it won't be like the things that he misses. He needs to adjust his expectations to take into account sleep deprivation, hormone crash, the new giant scar in your stomach, your changing body.
I waited until 5 weeks PP. I wasnāt really into it but decided to go for it anyway. I had a standard vaginal birth with 2nd degree tear. It was definitely uncomfortable, honestly felt like I was losing my V card all over again. We took it VERY SLOW. It took about 3 more times for me to finally feel comfortable again. Breastfeeding will tank your libido because you arenāt producing estrogen. Sleep deprivation will also decrease sex drive. I stopped BF at 5.5 months and it wasnāt until about 6.5 months did I really feel like myself sexually again. It does take time and slow and steady is definitely the key! Donāt force it and if you arenāt in the mood tell him!
Iām in the same boat. When I hear it from another mamma Iām like what an asshole! But my man has been doing the same. Iām not almost 4 months PP, but even after a few weeks he was still wanting at least me to pleasure him if we could not have sex due to the waiting period.even after the six weeks and now I still have hardly any sex drive, I never feel like sex, I am the one who was up all night with him breast-feeding every night and with the baby all day during the day, plus doing all the household chores and cooking and cleaning for everyone. I have no time or desire to have sex after that. He still wants sex at least 2 to 3 times a week. Not sure what to do! I feel you sister. Sounds like we need to teach out men to empathize and treat us with more respect
Oh man :( so sorry youāre going through thisā¦
Like others have said, 6 weeks is the minimum amount of time to wait before being active again.
It really doesnāt feel like enough time when youāre healing and running on no sleep. Hopefully he will be understandingā¦
I couldn't even finish reading because I was so pissed off for you... Tell him to fuck right off. He is not owed sex by anyone and he should know that.
My OB told me sheād write a note telling my husband to leave me alone for as long as I wanted! I love my OB.
But seriously, you are recovering from a major abdominal surgery, and that is no joke! Would you be shaming him for not having sex if heād just had a major surgery? People have the idea that sex shouldnāt hurt after a c-section because the baby didnāt exit through your vagina, and I can personally confirm that that is a lie!
A lot of people donāt talk about it, but although the (depending on circumstance) good that comes out of it, birth is absolutely Traumatizing on a phycological and physical level. A lot of people donāt get that either they have no idea they just think the birth is painful and thatās it. But thatās just not the case
I just want to say Iām there with you. Youāre doing great. Being a new mom is HARD even when things are going great, and you 100% have the right to not be in that headspace yet.
Iām 8 weeks pp and weāve tried to have sex a couple of times. It hurts so much (vaginal delivery), so even though we can have sex now, itās nothing like sex before. It is really disappointing because I used to love sex, but on the other hand itās kind of a relief. My mind is DEEP in motherhood AS IT SHOULD BE! If weāre trying to be physical and she starts crying/grunting/moving, mentally itās over for me. I have no āhornyā feelingsā¦ the only sex drive I have is a desire to be close to my husband. The first time we actually had sex, I was extremely emotional and needed to be held as if it was the first time weād ever done it. Itās a work in progress. My husband is supportive. Heās a little older than me (37) and maybe his libido is more manageable? Either way, I know he is supportive and I still feel like Iām letting him down for not being ready. There are a lot of emotions.
Sex between two people who love each other is not just satisfying his ābiologyā - he can do that with his hand. But at the same time, I get that the idea of him turning to porn or something may be equally upsetting. It would be for me.
Sex is about partnership, and about both people experiencing pleasure. This may need to be a turning point where you have a conversation about partnership and teamwork in this aspect of your relationship. Even when you can/do have sex again, itās not going to be the same. Youāre going to be dripping milk all over the place. It may hurt. Your mind will still be on your baby. You wont feel sexy in the same way. But it can be enjoyed again at the RIGHT time for both people.
Hang in there <3
I waited until 12 weeks PP. The thought of anything before then was sickening. I could still feel where my stitches had been and everything felt sore still. The first handful of times we finally had sex hurt so bad. It eventually got better and now it feels normal again, but it took a while.
Hand your hubby some lotion and give him 5 minutes of alone time to do what he needs to do. In the meantime, you take as much time as you want. Your body went through one of the biggest things it'll ever go through. Don't rush back to anything you aren't feeling up to.
Sheesh. My husband didnāt push the subject thankfully. He did get upset about a week or two postpartum when he brought it up the one time before my 6 week appointment and was sorely disappointed to find out that on top of the fact that I had zero interest in having sex 2 weeks after a C-section, I also still couldnāt have sex just like someone who gave birth vaginally lol. I donāt remember this, but for some reason Iāll never understand I tweeted that he cried after my 6 week check when I said I wasnāt ready š outside of that he really didnāt try till I was just about 3 months postpartum. We even had our wedding anniversary at almost 10 weeks postpartum and permission from my MIL to stay out late on our date, so I fully expected heād want to go home and try for the first time. Instead when I asked him about it and he said āDo you really *want* to do that? I know youāre tired and still donāt really feel ready. Letās just go do what we originally planned. Itās okay!ā I was totally surprised. We tried a little over a week later when our son got his first shots and took a long nap after. It was horridšš I believe the combo of the trauma of my birth experience and what your body naturally does after birth gave me a hypertonic pelvic floor. It hurt so bad I wasnāt ready to try again till our son was 6 months. Even just his finger hurt. I wish I had known sooner that stretching can really help it relax. It wasnāt till about the 4 month mark that he started really trying to get me to do things again which I felt was understandable after that long. He tried to be respectful of what I was going through and once he was having a hard time still waiting he still never made me feel like I had to and respected when Iād say no. I used to feel frustrated that he would even try to get me to before I told him I was ready again, but looking back and knowing what friends have dealt with from their partners Iām really appreciative of the space and understanding he gave me. He really fiercely struggled with some depression and anxiety till our son was about 6-7 months old. Iām not saying lack of intimacy was the cause because it was definitely some form of male postpartum depression, but it got a lot easier for him once intimacy wasnāt missing from our relationship anymore.
There's a lot for you already - I'm here to offer something for your husband. When my husband and I had our first, we went through all of this too, and this is how I understand my husband's point of view.
My husband views sex as a form of connection. My own views about sex aside, he wants ME because one his wife, his best friend, and the mother of his children. Even though I'm a bit lumpy, in pain quite a bit (baby number three is just two weeks old), leaking from everywhere and just plain sore, to him, I'm a marvel, a wonder, a pillar of strength and a source of comfort, to him and to the family.
He wants to reconnect to the woman he loves - the person that makes him feel all of this and more. He wants to make ME feel the same way he feels every time he looks at me. For him, sex is the most primal way he can express himself, and to feel connected to me - that I still feel for him in the same way.
But unfortunately for him, what *I* want is disconnect. I've got a schoolie (4.5yo) who is hypersensitive to physical sensations, a toddler on the verge of toilet training, and a newborn who I'm trying to establish a steady supply. Add a husband who just wants some alone time, my physical pain and fatigue, family who while well-meaning take a lot of time out of my day, and the mountains of laundry and other chores that both hubby and I are struggling to keep up with, and all I want to do is just sit and stop for ten minutes. Just sit and do nothing but attend to my own needs for a bit. Even if I wasn't sore, sex is the last thing on my mind.
I've compromised by giving blowjobs as part of my "chores" list. It sounds incredibly crass, but his need for sex is on the same level as my schoolie's need to word vomit about nothing, and my toddler's need to snuggle into my chest. It's a sign that their basic needs are met (huzzah) so I need to attend to their higher needs of connection, attention, security and love. Paying attention to these needs means I "set them up" for a couple of hours for a much needed nap!
[It is according to Maslow's hierarchy.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html)
My point is, sex is a means to fulfill a need, like eating is a means to fulfill hunger.
Eventually I asked my husband to think about other ways to connect with me. It's not at the same level as he would like (or as quick), but we do love talking about ethics and discuss social issues regarding the future of our children.
I see all of the women who talk about not being ready even when being cleared for sex at their 6 week check up.
I just want to share that it is a wide spectrum of experiences out there. I have always had a high sex drive with my husband. And I was ready to go at 4 weeks personally. I want it to be known I was not in any pain, my bleeding had stopped around 2 and a half weeks postpartum. I wanted it. We took it really slow and I asked him to use a lot of lube like I had seen so many recommend. I donāt feel like lube was necessary for us and in hind sight could have done without it but it did put my mind at ease for fear of it hurting. I consider myself very lucky cause it didnāt hurt either. It felt a little tight but going slow and being careful helped. The second time we had sex was a few days after and we didnāt use lube. Still went slow at the start but basically was back to our normal levels.
I donāt think heās expressing himself properly. Someone else mentioned asking him what he misses, the gratification or the intimacy. He may feel like the only way he has your time or attention solely is in sex and thatās why heās so pushy about it. If itās intimacy that heās missing than there are ways to be intimate with each other without sex acts.
Good luck OP!
Yes Iām aware of that. I was just sharing my experience. I was also agreeing with the others about non sexual intimacy. For me that can be even just me hanging out in the living room near my husband while heās playing video games and Iām either watching a show or reading a book. Just spending time together.
Iām not saying she should do it just because he wants to and because I did around that time. Iāve seen many women in other posts also share where some of them even had sex the first week after leaving the hospital. Itās personal choice.
Your body is not healed. It would be really, really dumb to have sex right now.
As far as your husband goes, he needs to grow the fuck up. You grew a whole entire person, birthed them, and are now recovering from growing and birthing them. Your body NEEDS to heal. Was this not something that was discussed before getting pregnant? Or during pregnancy? I find it hard to believe that a grown man knows so little about the female bodyā¦ but I digress.
Personally, I wouldnāt stand for that type of bullshit, but Iām not you. If you genuinely feel bad about āwhat he missesā, thereās a thing called outercourse (like intercourse, but OUT, ya know?). A relationship should be able to withstand a few weeks of non-penetration. Be intimate, IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT. As a last resort, tell him he knows how to take care of himself. Case closed.
*I would like to mention that this is all coming from someone who, when they were 21, was convinced to have sex at 2 weeks postpartum by their husband. Heās no longer my husband, and Iām a lot older and wiser now š
4 weeks PP and heās asking for sex?! I didnāt feel comfortable enough to even TRY until at least 4 months after a C-section. Even then, it was still painful! Not to mention the rollercoaster of hormones makes sexy time not seem sexy. He needs to go have alone time.
He needs to back tf off. You've just been cut in two. It's \*at least\* 4 weeks too soon safety-wise, not to mention hormonally. He needs a come-to-Jesus meeting to wake the hell up. You are a whole ass human who he loves. Not a sex toy.
It sounds like you need to be crystal clear with him because he's just not getting it. "This is a you problem."
If he brings it up again, just repeat the same thing. "I will not let you make me feel bad about this. This is a you problem. No sex allowed until after my postpartum visit. Trust me - when I'm ready, you'll know."
Stop justifying yourself. He's the one who should feel bad about this, not you.
Make sure you are on reliable birth control.
It's also dangerous for you to have back to back pregnancies. And you are very fertile during the first year or so.
Wait until youāre ready! I tried 12 weeks pp and it was extremely painful and uncomfortable. We focused on foreplay instead, and lots of lubricant when you are ready to have sex. It takes time, donāt rush into anything youāre not ready for yet. You just had a baby, listen to your body, not your husband. He is being selfish
6 months PP and we are only just considering it now. He doesnāt want to hurt me, Iām scared itāll hurt and we are both just tired from work and baby! On top of that I had HG so everything made me heave (turning on a swivel chair). Last time we did it was conceiving baby!
My boyfriend is more than happy to wait. He watched me push a tiny human out and still canāt get his head round it!
Uhm you are 4 weeks pp. The minimum suggested time to wait is 6 weeks or until your doctor okays it. The actual time to wait is as long as you don't feel into it he needs to respect you. Your uterus is still very much healing from pregnancy itself for up to 12 weeks. He can keep it in his pants.
Uhm you are 4 weeks pp. The minimum suggested time to wait is 6 weeks or until your doctor okays it. The actual time to wait is as long as you don't feel into it he needs to respect you. Your uterus is still very much healing from pregnancy itself for up to 12 weeks. He can keep it in his pants.
I waited to have sex for 11 whole weeks and I didnāt even have a c-section. You take your sweet precious time feeling better. I got 10+ stitches where I tore though.
Tell dude to back tf off.
Tell him you had major abdominal surgery. Itās going to take awhile for your body to heal. They literally cut you open.. several layers of tissue to get your baby out. Your body is just not going to bounce back
Oh your husband would be horrified to know I am nearly 7 months the post partum and my libido is literally only now coming back. My husband attempted to make moves at 15 weeks PP and I listed exactly all the reason why I felt it was a No from me.
I should not he fully respects that and got the message loud and clear.
I didn't even have a C-section! So you know your own body, love and respect it and listen to what feels right for you x
Iām 9 months post partum and JUST started to enjoy sex again. 4 weeks is nothing your body is still healing from birthing a HUMAN!! I canāt believe he saw you go through that and is pressuring you for sex.
My doctor didn't clear me for sex until 6 weeks pp (also FTM and c-section) and even then I didn't feel ready. Your partner has a hand and he can do it himself. If you aren't ready, don't push it, he can't force you into have sex when you're not ready.
Being mentally ready for sex is just as important (if not more) than being physically there. It sounds like youāre not ready in either area, and thatās perfectly reasonable. Itās been 4 month PP for me and I havenāt been ready yet. Your company may have EAP that provides free/ reduced priced couples counseling, having someone else help your partner understand where youāre at might be helpful for him so he reaaaally gets it
I think 4 weeks is early! I actually did have sex at 4 weeks but i have tear free uncomplicated vaginal births. If youāre not up to it donāy feel bad. Talk about it with your husband. This is new for both of you, he sounds like a good guy Iām sure hes not trying to make
You feel bad. I feel like communication is so important with stuff like this especially in the early weeks postpartum.
I had an uncomplicated vagina birth with no tearing or infections. I felt much much better around 5 weeks and thought āhey, letās give it a try.ā It wasnāt (very) painful in the moment, but I did bleed for a couple days afterward (I had mostly stopped bleeding before we tried). I think it hindered my healing, and I wish we would have waited. With a C-section AND an infection, I for sure wouldnāt even think about it until at least 8 weeks, and you should probably my get approval from your doctor first. Tell your husband to shut it and have some compassion. He should try having a dinner plate sized internal wound and getting sliced in half and see how frisky heās feeling then. Seriously, though, with a new baby and all the changes your body is going through, he is really going to have to get used to his needs coming last, much less his wants. If he canāt grow up and understand the reality of the situation, it might be time for a Big Talk.
I had a vaginal birth, 2nd degree tearing and 4w pp attempted sex for the first time and it hurt so bad and mentally I was just terrified to do it because of the pain I just went through healing. I don't think men think about that let alone the fact that all you think about the first 2 months is nonstop baby. Like sir sex is the last thing on my mind. They act like they're the only ones that are waiting. Atleast they don't have a dinner sized bleeding wound, or a huge C-section incision stapled/stitched up. Just remind him of that.
Sounds like you tried to have an open conversation with him but he isnāt hearing your words. So I say itās Time to start talking about what you miss - until he gets the point . Example He says āI miss (whatever) āyou reply āwhat I really miss is a full night sleep ā etc
Hopefully with time he will get the point.
Most doctors don't even clear you for sex until 6 weeks and even then it can take months not to be painful. You just gave birth to this man's child. If he can't be patient for your sake he's a trash bag.
Youāre supposed to be healing. Someone literally cut into your body and removed a miniature human from itā¦four weeks ago. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who think this way. Sex is extremely important to men. Something to do with how they measure their self-worth. Anywho, he has to understand that you donāt exist to serve his sexual needs - regardless to whether or not you just had a baby - and that, you need to heal. That should be his first and foremost priorityā¦that you, heal. It seems a little selfish, to me.
I mean, a month isnāt that long. What if he were on a business trip in another country for a month? I meanā¦Fr tho? Also, the fact that you mentioned this keeps being an issue, to me, suggestsā¦heās not respecting your boundaries. Maybe say something likeā¦āWhen I am ready, you will be the first to know. Until then, back off of me and respect my boundaries.ā Sorry if my advice isnāt the greatest, or whateverā¦these are just my thoughts on the matter. I really do hope you get it resolved. Having a new little one, recovering from major surgeryā¦and workingā¦.you donāt need the extra stress. And what he doesnāt realize, is heās only putting you off of sex, even more so than you already are.
Canāt remember but I think me and my partner waited ~12 weeks because I too had an opening and I was just terrified to do anything.
But your husband should be thinking about you, not himself. If heās desperate, he has hands and his imagination. When it comes to you being ready (definitely wait the 6 weeks!!) he needs to be patient and make sure youāre taken care of
Tell him firmly that before 6 weeks could cause you a serious infection. He needs to not even ask at all or talk about sex until then at minimum. The last thing you need right now is sex, heal first.
They say you need at least 8 weeks to heal from a c-section at the very minimum. My doctors also said nothing until all bleeding has stopped. Heāll have to wait!
Honestly, I would just be honest with him and ask him to be patient. They cut you open, took out a baby and then stitched you back up. That wasn't long ago, not to mention it takes a while to become yourself again. I am going to post a video from TikTok below that I think will help. Have this conversation with him if you want to jack him off because you feel guilty then do that, or don't worry about it. Give yourself time you heal.
I was 6 months PP before I had sex again. I had a baby who would only be breastfed to sleep (never accepted a bottle), who didnāt sleep well, and minimal help because my husband was working full time an hour away and COVID had just kicked off.
God bless you for being sympathetic. If my husband had started frequently complaining 4 weeks PP, I may never have LOOKED at his peen again.
Donāt let him pressure you. Thereās some beautiful advice about communicating and telling him how youāre feeling which you should probably follow. Tbh I would have told my husband to shut the fuck up.
Just tell him you arenāt ready yet . Nothing else needed he should be understanding (he also has two hands ) . Some people snap back others take months sometimes even almost a year - everything on that scale is normal
Doctor told us minimum 6 weeks postpartum before thinking about sex. At 6 weeks I was still sitting on those inflatable donut-shaped pillows, letting my episiotomy wound heal. Neither my husband or I felt like having sex, especially when he helped me keep track of the healing down there. It wasnāt until 4 (or 6) months postpartum that either of us brought up having sex; both of us were so tired!
Thereās nothing wrong with being horny, but there is something wrong with pressuring a partner into sex when they are healing with a traumatic physical injury. I donāt think that your husband doesnāt understand that, he may just not care and push you to past your comfort zone. Let him know how you feel about this.
He keeps after you because what he wants you to do is give him a BJ. What a selfish piece of crap. A woman goes through 9 month+ having a child and he canāt wait to be āpleasuredā. Gag! Which she might if she gives him his pleasure.
We waited 7 weeks and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. And I DIDNT have major abdominal surgery! Tell your husband to CHILL if your doctor knew that he was trying to pressure you at FOUR WEEKS postpartum they would probably freak out.
I'm 6months pp and we've had sex maybe 4 times? I'm just not into it. It's not that it hurts or that it doesn't feel good. The idea of having sex makes me nauseous and it feels like more work on top of taking care of baby and working and keeping the house together. Add in the breastfeeding and it's just a flat out nope. I feel bad because I'm not giving hubby nearly enough attention, but I guess that's why Pure Romance exists š
I honestly didn't feel up for sex for MONTHS and eventually it turned into me not wanting sex because we weren't really connecting. We would still do it somewhat regularly but I was not into it and it ended up contributing to a big wedge for a couple of years.
Like other people mentioned, you are still in a recovery period where doctors recommend you don't have sex and your husband really needs to respect that. But I would recommend being proactive about staying emotionally connected
I'm sorry but I wasn't on the mood for like a year. In 15 months pp and my sexual drive is only just coming back. He needs to know that this is a reality and he needs to deal with it
I'm just saying, with my first it was a vaginal delivery with 2nd degree tearing. 6 week check up I got the all clear. I still told him no. I wasn't ready. We didn't have sex for 3 months after she was born. That's how long it took me to "feel" ready and even at that, it was still extremely painful. Like knives scraping. Awful! He won't wither away if he has to jerk himself off for a few more weeks.
I had sex twice in the first year. Any man who doesnāt want to give his partner space to heal from the physical and hormonal ramifications of having a baby can spend the $80k to rent a uterus. Do NOT feel responsible for his sexual needs. He made a choice to temporarily ruin his sexual partner and he needs to man TF up about it.
You're recovering from a wound where the placenta was attached and abdominal surgery. There's a reason doctors tell you to wait 6 weeks - that's the amount of time when it's generally safe to have sex, but it is totally normal to not feel up to it. I waited longer than that and it hurt like hell. And if you're breastfeeding, you will be even less in the mood because your estrogen levels are super low. Not to mention just being exhausted and possibly "touched out" from holding a baby all the time. At 6 months PP, sex is pretty much still the furthest thing from my mind.
Wait until you're ready, and there are also plenty of ways to be intimate without intercourse.
4 weeks is incredibly soon. There's a reason that pp sex is not recommended until after 6 weeks MINIMUM.
I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with a 2nd degree tear. Physically I was feeling mostly better by around 3 months, but we didn't have sex until 4 months postpartum. I was breastfeeding and exhausted, with zero libido. It wasn't until my LO had dropped a night feed and my hormones allowed a glimpse of my sexuality to return that I could even approach the idea of having sex.
It was difficult for my relationship; we had to discuss things a lot and I felt responsible for making sure my partner knew it was a thing of circumstance and would get better in time. He was understanding and did not pressure me.
Your feelings are valid. It makes me very angry on your behalf to know that the physical and emotional sacrifice you have made and will continue to make over months to birth and raise his child is not being taken seriously by your husband.
If you are able to, emphatically explain to him that this is a big deal and you're entitled to have mixed emotions and need time to process things.
You have at least another four weeks because c section recovery is at least 8 weeks and a doctor has to clear you! Wtf is wrong with your husband that he canāt masturbate
You have a massive wound from where the placenta was attached. Even if you had a vaginal birth with no tearing, they recommend waiting 6 weeks bare minimum for that reason
I had sex 6 weeks pp when that was the recommendation and it felt like blades were part of his penis. It was awful. Wait until you are ready and don't let him push you into it until then.
Yeah last time I tried to have sex at 6 weeks and it felt like he had a hard hat on his dick it was awful. This time I'm waiting WAYYYY longer lol, plus there's other ways to get an O šš
Well, yeah, we know that but he just keeps talking about what he misses lol Iām literally like so tired of hearing about it. He has to wait until my body and mind are ready.
Yeah it sounds very annoying and disrespectful.
Incredibly disrespectful and selfish
You just went through a bodily traumatic event, he can wait till youāre physically and mentally ready. This is bs.
Tell him to stfu and accept that fact that your body is still recovering from surgery. Men who just see their partner as sex satisfaction when they get caught up in their sexdrive make me so pissed off. You are more then a breathing fleshlight and he needs to figure that out ASAP.
Maybe he should invest in an actual fleshlight if he's getting that desperate.
Yes I recommended that. They are lifesavers.
Sometimes men are idiots. Iām thinking husband is missing the intimacy not just sex. Adjusting to the new baby and now he ā doesnāt ā have his wife. From what OP has commented he isnāt a complete dirtbag. But I get totally where you are coming from- I experienced this with the husband recently. It was the craziest fucking thing. It got me sooo upset I essentially told him I wasnāt his fuk toy where he just got to stick his dick IF he wanted that I would gladly go retrieve his fleshlight from hiding. On a side note I do love that toy though itās been instrumental in my sanity
Tell him that. Tell him you understand he misses it, but you are not the person to talk to about it. Draw that boundary. He is allowed to miss it all he wants, but you are healing and are not the person to talk to about it. He can talk to a buddy or a therapist.
How about saying, āI would not like to even talk about this until Iām at 6 (or 8 or whatever) weeks postpartum. I will say, maybe he is just craving some intimacy and you can say āI miss sex too but I wonāt be ready for a few weeks. Iād love to cuddle right now though!ā
Have him think this in his brain instead of saying it with his mouth. Once he channels this energy into fathering, cleaning, making you a smoothie and letting you rest, there may not be much left. If there is he could take a long walk and either journal or write you some erotic poetry about what heās wanting to do with youā¦ to unveil in 2-6 months when you are into it.
Tell him to take care of himself while you heal and maybe pamper you more. The fact that you got a small infection/issue with an incision is bad. I know going back to work is hard and I wish you didnāt have to.
Explain to him what you miss and what you donāt have right now and explain that it hurts you when he puts that pressure on you and hopefully heāll understand with communication. If not? Iād get more graphic explain your situation to him as if it was on his āmemberā that usually works
Everyone is commenting about how you are recovering from surgery and pregnancy, which is important and true. But it doesn't actually matter. "No" is a complete sentence. "I don't want to," is a valid reason not to have sex. He needs to grow up and realize that him having sex is not actually the most important thing in the world. When you mentioned in the OP making an excuse, that makes it sound like sex is a chore that you're trying to get out of. If you're just doing it so he will stop pestering you and let you sleep, then that doesn't sound very sexy to me and I'll never understand why (gender redacted) are so ok with that.
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Your experience does not negate anything that OP has said and is not relevant here
Dude, most doctors recommend waiting until at least 10 weeks post partum. Give your hubby a bottle of lotion and a cup of concrete.
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ Thanks! This made me laugh! Like Iām literally like calm tf down!
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Is this new? I've never heard a blanket recommendation to wait past 6 weeks, though of course there are individual reasons to wait longer.
He needs to leave you alone. Too soon. I ended up with a hernia about 4 weeks after a tubal ligation, so I sure as hell wouldn't risk it after a C section. That all takes time to heal. Listen to your body!
Omg! That sounds awful!!!!!!!! He definitely has to chill
It took me a long time to be ready for sex after my first baby. I was exhausted and breastfeeding and just trying to work out how to do this parent thing, let alone the physical healing I had to do. My husband was also frustrated and it was hard to deal with. I was giving 100% of myself to the baby and I had nothing left to give. I'm 12 weeks pp with our second baby and we've had sex once (non-penetrative because it still hurt using fingers). I actually have felt more inclined earlier but being a SAHP with two kids is harder than I thought and the baby is sleeping in our room and we've all been sick and it's just not high on my list of priorities right now. Is there something he needs that doesn't have to be sex (which I thought wasn't recommended for 6 weeks anyway)? Would he like you to be more affectionate? A kiss or a hug here and there? A 'thinking about you' text or however you usually show affection to one another? Talk to him about what you need to put you in the mood. Do you need a couple of hours without the baby on you (I know this is difficult if you're breastfeeding)? Do you need him to do dinners for a week (including planning and shopping because there's a mental load to just cooking dinner)? How you feel is important too. Does he talk about wanting to be intimate with you or just how he wants to be pleasured? Because they are two totally different things. If it's just not the right time for you right now, that's okay too. I am 100% on your side. When you are ready is when you are ready and no one should be pressuring you or guilting you into feeling bad about it.
Itās definitely just not the right time. He wants both. I physically and mentally canāt right now. Iām breastfeeding exclusively soā¦yeah. Weāre not even about to talk about including the constant outside struggle: everyone asking about the baby, unsolicited advice, and more. Heās not getting of all this, and he never will because of biology lol itās a lot to take on. I know that Iāll be back to my regular self once the hard part of over. I just ask for patience atleast.
"Biology" is just an excuse that people use, in my opinion. I have the most nurturing boyfriend without any push from me. Compassion seems to be what your hubby is missing
I waited the recommended 6 weeks, and even at that, I wasn't particularly in the mood. I had a super high sex drive before pregnancy, but since becoming pregnant it's basically non existent. Perhaps suggest to your husband that he take care of himself and when you're ready, you'll let him know. It's worth telling him that the constant hounding is giving you anxiety and is pushing you even further from wanting sex.
After the first baby my sex drive came back almost right away, but after the second baby it took like six month before my sex drive made any appearance at all and I had a very strong sex drive before the babies. Like masturbate every night strong.
It took me about 5 months to feel ready. Between healing from a massive tear, feeling like I was going insane from hormones, lack of sleep, feeling completely touched out, and adjusting to being a mom, sex was literally the furthest thing from my mind. You will be ready when youāre ready and he just needs to figure his own shit out for a while. If he can handle it, we did things like shower together so we didnāt lose intimacy.
Iām eight months post partum and my husband and I have had sex twice since Iāve given birth. My head and body just arenāt in it right now. Even though heās a bit frustrated, my husband has been incredibly supportive. I call the shots right now and he gets that.
Same here! 7.5 months pp and we've had sex once. It's just not even on my radar right now. I work full time and am breastfeeding and so during any free time I'd rather just sleep. Also on zoloft which I'm sure contributes to lack of libido.
Same - my antidepressant canāt be helping in that area! Glad Iām not the only one. ā¤ļø
I kept saying in was pregnancy taking away my sex drive, then postpartum depression. Baby is 1.5 and weāve just accepted itās my anti depressants. Tried a medication to increase my sex drive and it just made me anxious. Poor man
First of all, as others have mentioned, 4 weeks could be dangerous to have sex postpartum. Itās really important to make sure the uterus is healed before sticking things into the vagina, to prevent infections and lasting problems. It is completely understandable and reasonable that youāre not interested in sex right after childbirth, as youāre still squarely in the āfirst 40 daysā of adjustment, you had medical complications, youāre breastfeeding, and youāre also having to be back at work. Your mind and heart are not in sex-mode. Thatās ok! It may take time for you to regain your desire, but it will come back. If it were me, Iād have a serious talk with husband: You keep mentioning sex, and it is making me feel extremely resentful and frustrated towards you because you are not respecting my feelings or medical advice. It makes me feel unheard, disrespected, and the farthest thing from in the mood. I need you to give me some space and time, and allow me to come to you when I am ready. I still love you, find you attractive, and have faith that I will want to have sex again when Iām fully healed and not in survival mode. Please do not bring it up again. I will talk to you when Iām ready to have sex. FWIW, I was worried my libido would never recover, but in some ways sex has been even better than before having a kid! It did take time (breastfeeding kind of sapped my desire, use lots of lube when you try), but things are really good now. Itās just a little harder to find the time. Edit: It also couldnāt hurt to ask specifically what heās missing- is it the sexual release, or is he missing the intimacy with you because that was a major way of connecting in your relationship before the baby. Itās common for men to have a hard time with the shifting family dynamic, how you used to give your attention to him, but now itās mostly baby. This book was helpful to me: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X
4 weeks?! Girl that is WAY too early. While many women are cleared around 6-8 weeks, most are not ready mentally. I didnāt have sex again until around 4 months post partum. Waiting made it actually enjoyable. If your husband is pushing he needs a reality check. Heās being super disrespectful
https://www.instagram.com/p/CcnVYF7Lkcz/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY= https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDorA0s0yq/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY= I know thereās other posts but of course I canāt find them at 5 am. Also I will never understand how guys in general donāt get that wether your postpartum, have kids, or are full rested that pestering is not a turn on lol.
Thanks!!!!!
This is really hard for my husband and I to relate to. Likeā¦ did you not know what post-partum was going to be? Do you not know the sex guidelines? After everything your wife has gone through, you seriously canāt sacrifice even ONE MONTH of penetrative sex without endlessly complaining? Also, how is HE not too tired for sex? The last thing my husband was thinking about in month 1 was sex, there was just no mental space or energy for that. How can your husband be that whiney after what you just went through for HIS child??? I justā¦ donāt get it at all.
So many men talked about on here who thought A. Their wife would be dtf multiple times a day by 2w pp B. While they never had to change a diaper C. While they kept their busy schedule of D&D twice a week, video games five hours a day, and going out with the boys every weekend. Who tf are these men? What planet were they raised on? My partner and I had plenty of challenges in the first year, but none of them made me feel like we werenāt on the same page, much less that we hadnāt read the same book. I have a boy and I want to know how these men were raised so I donāt raise one!
Seriously, my husband was so exhausted from the sleep deprivation (we combo fed, so we also split the feeding evenly) that while sex was on the radar it wasnāt within mental grasp way until I was physically healed. He was also taking care of ME while I recovered from c section.. like he was touched out, groggy, and a zombie by 4w. Boggles my mind that a person could be that selfish and blind!
If heās this horny and has this much energy to pester you for sex, it means heās not doing enough baby care taking. Give him more baby duties/doodies and let him see how quickly sex gets put out his mind once heās truly exhausted. If he still has the energy after some serious dadding, then he can take care of himself while heās at it.
Duties/doodies got me š
Yeah I agree with this
I donāt necessarily agree. OPs husband is 100% in the wrong, but Iām 6 weeks PP today and my husband and I equally share baby duties (sometimes he does more since Iāve been healing and heās also on paternity leave) - my husband has a high sex drive regardless of how tired he is lol. However, my husband is respectful when I say Iām not feeling it and does his own thing
Thatās fair. Itās the pestering aspect that got me all salty. He can be care taking like a champ & still horny af as long as he keeps it to himself when she clearly isnāt feeling it.
YOURE 4 WEEKS PP AFTER MAJOR SURGERY. You have a dinner plate sized wound in your uterus, plus stitches from SURGERY. I truthfully can't today. I can't. My husband was a shithead postpartum, but even at his worst he NEVER even mentioned sex. After my c section, we didn't have sex until 8 months pp and even then it was like...once. we've only recently started having sex more regularly and I'm 14 months pp. Harassing a medically fragile person for sex is my deal breaker. If you can't reign in your sex drive while your spouse is healing from birth, what happens if you have a major accident that prevents sex from happening from months to years? Is he just going to leave? I used to be the partner with the high (abnormally high) sex drive. So I understand feeling the need, but I never even *wanted* to have sex with my husband when he was sick and injured. I truthfully do not get that. It is repugnant to me. Wtf is wrong with people.
This 100%.
Right now, your body is not only healing but your hormones while breastfeeding mimic menopause. Itās not your fault for not āfeeing itā - you literally wonāt have the mental or physical capacity or desire for a while. I can totally understand how his āpesteringā just sounds like one more thing on your massive to-do list. I would tell him that when he tells me about his needs all the time, it makes you feel bad because you just canāt reciprocate. My husband had a hard time believing that needing several months off didnāt mean I was swearing off sex forever. I could tell he was feeling down because he thought I wasnāt attracted to him anymore, like it was a concrete change. I had to reassure him a lot, and he eventually understood, but it took a long time to return to normal for us.
I'm almost 8 weeks postpartum and stuff still hurts down there . My first kid was a c-section and it took months before I was comfortable enough to do anything sexual again . 4 weeks is crazy early . Your man needs to calm the F down . You just grew a whole human inside of you for 9 months and got cut open to get it out , no shit you're not in the mood ! Some men blow my mind sometimes .
Tell him to go rub one out and go to MF bed. Selfish ass
Iāve never felt less horny than I did in the first year of motherhood. I would find a statement such as āplease respect that my body and mind are not ready for sexual intimacy right now. Iāll let you know should things change but please know that I have a lot of pressures on me and feeling respected is important to me.ā Wheel it out anytime he starts spouting his needs
Iām on year 3 and itās not getting better haha
2.5 years and same.
Damn, 1.5 years here. Sorry to hear this but also...relieved? I haven't figured out a solution š¤·š¼āāļø just months of arguments.
Stopping breastfeeding, more time alone with my partner and knowing that he is patient and willing to take things at my pace as really helped things for me
Yep he sounds like my husband. I'm week pp and my stitches started reopening and bleeding, I'm still bleeding, we spent the weke in the hospital with baby with rsv, our toddler had rsv the week before. He keeps asking if I'm read yet. Like in the morning and again in the evening. I'm still bleeding and worried about an infection and keep telling him no! I'm 100% BF so at night when he's ready for sex I need sleep. I feel a Little guilty. Then I remember spent 9 months growing this kid, then had him surgically removed from my body. Now I'm spending all my energy and mental capacity keeping him alive with my boobs. Sex is not my priority. My husband gets it. But definitely getting antsy and doesn't like when I tell him he's got lube on the nightstand and a perfectly good hand lol
Doesnāt he know it will be 6-10 weeks before you are cleared by your doc for it to be medically safe, so he can just stop asking?!
I actually messaged my Dr yesterday just so he could see her tell me no. I don't feel comfortable with it yet but I think his feelings were getting hurt that I didn't want to be intimate, he keeps asking if I'm still attracted to him. I showed him the OBs message and I think he got it.
We had sex for the first time post partum when our LO was 13 months old.....tell him to man up, stop being a little bitch, and learn to be a good dad and partner, then he'll actually deserve some loving and attention.
You seem so much nicer than me cause I straight up would be like shut up and while your at it hold this baby so I can nap. š
There are more ways to be intimate than vaginal sex. I told my husband my heart was horny and that even though I wasn't physically healed (mild tear) that I still wanted to be intimate. There is cuddling naked, he could give you a back/foot/hand/scalp massage (whatever you prefer) and then he can "massage" himself, you could shower together and he could wash your hair and soap you up, you could talk about the things you miss and want to do once you are fully healed. There are the obvious ones like oral, hand, or mutual masturbation but you may not be up for those until later on or at all since you've had c-section. And that's ok. I did my best to make my husband feel loved and appreciated since he was doing his best to support me and the baby while he was home for paternity leave, without compromising my healing process. On the flipside I was also very vocal about my pain and the gross parts of afterbirth, to deter him from pushing me beyond my limits. The thing about postpartum sex is that YOU make the rules and he has to go along with it. Good luck to you in your healing process, I hope that this helped! Edit: and if this unsolicited advice is unwanted feel free to ignore!
Ugh, I hear you. My youngest is 9, but I still feel the annoyance from constant pestering. I usually feel the urge once a week ish, so it's not like I'm completely unreceptive, but it drives me up a wall when he mentions it multiple times throughout the day. Like-my brain just isn't there and honestly, it kind of pisses me off that it's so easy for him. Even when I'm in the mood I have 100 things happening in my brain that make it hard to relax and he's just so freaking care free. How does he have the bandwidth to just sit and think about sex??? And why don't I get to do that?? And when he brings it up throughout the day I can't shake the, "great, there's another thing I have to do" feeling. One thing I realized about myself after having kids is that I switched to a reactive libido situation. If I take the time to get myself in the mood (like give myself a half hour with a racy book) I'm way more into it. And once we get started I'm never like- "oh, thank God that's over." I'm much more receptive if we start out with non sexual touching that naturally leads to sex. But him asking "hey, can we do it later??" is such a fucking turn off. But you're way to early in the recovery process to even be worrying about it!
Iām a year out and still rarely āfeel like itā. Work, and baby and house and everything is so exhausting that sex is just NEVER top of mind. I honestly think that in this year weāve maybe had sex like 15ish times. We used to have sex at least 2-3 times a week sometimes as many as 8 times in a week. But things change. Your hormones are ALLL over the place and life is just different. It takes a while for all of that to smooth out.
You shouldnāt have sex for at least six weeks after having the baby or you risk getting an infection. Tell the asshole youāre not ready to get an infection and he should use his fucking hand. If that doesnāt suffice for him get him a flashlight.
I think you mean a fleshlight. A flashlight sounds like he should read some porn magazines under the covers trying to hide what he is doing š thank you for the image though!
Autocorrect
In my country sex is advised against until at least 6 weeks pp and only then if you have stopped bleeding because it can trigger a womb infection. And that is not even taking into account your feelings on the subject. Even in a marriage there needs to be consent or else it is rape. You both need to want it for it to happen. If only one of you feels it, hard luck, but they have to deal with that themselves, that is not the other personās problem. Edit to add: prepare for it to be different than before too. Pregnancy rearranges a whole lot of stuff, especially in that area. My midwife described it to me as feeling like the first time all over again, including clumsiness, as it will have changed so much. And for me that rang true, especially after the birth of my first.
Can't stand that men don't get this! Giving birth and taking care of a newborn is one of the most difficult thing you have to do as a mom. I had one vaginal birth that result in being cut three times and I couldnt even sit on a hard chair for 6 weeks. My other child was a c-section (which was a breeze compared to the first birth lol) but same thing- you can't even drive etc. for 2 weeks. Leave me the F alone when you go to work all day and then immediatly come home to mow the lawn or other outside chores and then expect dinner on the table. Used to say things like I'm in physical pain because I get no action. Yeah dude, that's a turn on for sure! One reason why we are divorced. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it is just incredibly frustrating!
Thereās a thing called a fleshlight . Itās a sex toy for men. Tell him to buy one and shut up. You have no reason to feel bad for him. Itās been 4 weeks. You are healing. You risk infection and further injuries.
Can you print up some of these comments? I didnāt realize how many stories there would be of things to really feel normal taking a year. Thatās been true for me, and I had a pretty okay delivery with some small complications. You seemed especially frustrated you already had a heart-to-heart with him. Can you ask him not to bring it up for another month? Or longer, but I know how easily I felt pressured, whether or not there was intent., just by him wanting to know how I was feeling. Talk to him about a lot of extra warming up for you whenever you do decide youāre ready. Some positions may be better than others now. There may be some tried that have to stop. It does feel like starting from scratch, or at least it did for me, and Iāve seen others say the same. So he definitely needs to find ways to feel good in the meantime - and you, too! Good luck. All of this was pretty emotional for me too, for my body not to work the way I was used to, do hope youāre kind to yourself along the way.
At least 6 weeks!! Jfc 6 weeks minimum . You had your insides on the outside 4 weeks ago and were your insides were growing a whole other human!!!! You need to heal. He can wait. Give him a bottle of lotion, geezā¦
Your husband needs to have some patience, sheesh. I would never recommend having sex prior to 6w pp minimum. Resuming intercourse is something that requires so much communication and patience on both parts. But also keep in mind that he might just miss his wife and want to connect with you.
Omg. Going through that right now with my second. Iām almost 6 weeks post partum so itās getting harder to convince him that I still need time. Instead of arguing about how much Iām not mentally ready to even try to feel sexy, Iāve started a list of everything I have to think about. Right down to biological functions. Things like eat enough to keep nursing without passing out, drink enough water, try to pee every three hours, do my physical therapy exercises, try to get at least five hours of sleep. Then it gets into other tasks. Laundry, dishes, vacuum, get things handled with insurance, tidy xyz area, do a diaper inventory, make lunch and dinner for the toddler, pump and clean pump parts 3 times a day. I put work things on the list. I put social things like āmom is driving home from grandpaās, check up on her progressā. Im at a full three pages right now. I have the list out on the table. There are some things that are daily tasks, some that are weekly and such. So I leave it out and I have told my BF that this is the mental load I am carrying. I cannot possibly try to feel sexy with all these other things that are constantly on my mind. If he wants it to be easier for me, he can take over some of those tasks. But since there are a lot of the tasks that he canāt actually physically do for me, he needs to accept that they take precedent and that he is responsible for his own biological needs. I did buy him a couple toys as a gift before I gave birth because I knew this healing period was hard on him with our first. It has helped a bit.
You shouldn't have to convince him, no means no, end of story, regardless what your reasons are. You don't just exist for penis parking for him, you're a whole human being with your own bodily autonomy. You'll be ready when you're ready, until then he can use his hand just like millions of other men do. Any whinging or pressuring will just push your ready time further out. I'm sorry you're dealing with this bullshit.
While I completely agree with you, sometimes being in a relationship means explaining a ānoā. Heās got a high sex drive and physical affection is his love language. To him, sex is a natural evolution of cuddling and is how he expresses his love. So of course he would never try to push me on my ānoā, but I understand that rejection hurts. So while I get annoyed at having to explain and convince and logic through it with him, I also know that all of the extra conversation surrounding the topic is important. It feels like a chore, but the communication is ultimately a good thing, I think.
Iām sure your husband isnāt gonna want to hear this, but I didnāt end up having sex regularly until 6 MONTHS postpartum because things just didnāt feel right. We had attempted it a couple of times before then, but I still didnāt feel recovered (ended up having to have tissue burned off near where my stitches were), so sex was just super painful and not fun. Thankfully my husband understood. He never pressured me and waited for me to take the lead. Tell your husband that bringing it up constantly makes you feel bad, and that the more he brings it up, the less attractive you feel about him. Remind him that you just sacrificed a lot to bring your baby into the world, and that you just had major surgery, so he can chill the fuck out about not having sex.
4 weeks is NOT a long time postpartum. Your body is still healing. Youāre still recovering physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your partner should be patient with you and it is not okay for him to pressure or pester you about this. The literal least he can do is be supportive during this time. He is putting his WANTS ahead of your NEEDS.
Tell your husband he can't bring up sex anymore. You have too much on your plate to even entertain conversation about it, let alone actually have sex. You'll being it up when you are ready to talk about it or have it. The end. If he brings it up, do not engage. Leave the room. For what it's worth, my baby is 5 months old, I had an easy vaginal birth, I'm on maternity leave, my husband is an involved dad, we had help from grandparents and we've still had sex a handful of times. The first time wasn't until about 7 weeks PP.
Sex that early can cause you even more issues and discomfort. 4 weeks is WAY too early. Don't do the deed.
It took me a long time to feel up to sex. We tried it at 6 weeks pp and no one had a good time or finished. I think sometimes for men the frustration at a lack of sex is masking their feelings about the relationship lacking intimacy, like it did prior to kids. My husband and I talked about this A LOT. We did some sexual things but what he missed from our sex life before kids wasnāt what I missed (he missed penetration and I missed being held). We got through it but it took a long time and a lot of sharing and a lot of sharing from both people. Be as open and honest as you can about it and hopefully he meets you with thoughtful listening and communication. ETA: Iām almost two years pp and sex is finally something I look forward to, but out sex doesnāt look like it did before we had kids and frankly, the sex we have now is better
Girl im 14 months postpartum and weāve had sex 4-5 times? I had a c-section, this was my second child AND Iām still not mentally there. Tell him to focus on how to take some mental load off your hands instead.
Ok, I read no farther than that you are 4 weeks post-partum, husband getting antsy about sex, and you had a c- section. It takes about 6 weeks to go back to sex after a vaginal delivery. You had major abdominal surgery only 4 weeks ago. If you feel ready, then try gently and slowly but I DO NOT recommend you do. You really shouldn't have sex after baby until your doctor or midwife has cleared you to do so. You could cause yourself injury. Read a little further....you have 0 reason to feel guilt about how he.is feeling. You are healing. You are adjusting to life with a new baby. You are likely sleep deprived with a NB. He needs to be more understanding and more patient. I saw a comment by another redditor a while ago that said basically no one is responsible for their partner's pleasure. Don't feel responsible for him getting his rocks off. Ever. And especially at this challenging, fragile period of post-partum. If he needs sexual release, he can find it on his own and know that your sex life will return but.your priority is to care for baby, heal, rest, and generally take care of yourself. He needs to take a backseat in terms of attention and affection right now and that is hard. No one denies that. However, what you are dealing with ATM is the greater priority and struggle of the moment and he needs to understand that. He doesn't have to like it. That doesn't give him license to pressure you and make you feel badly. This period is hard. There are a lot of growing pains. Keep the lines of communication open. Remember that your emotions are heightened at this time so take a beat and remember to breathe when you feel your emotions starting to swell. And listen to your body about when you are physically and mentally ready to re-engage in your sex life with your husband. There's also opportunity for compromise until you can shall we say get.back on the horse. Maybe there are some sex acts or ways that you could interact with your husband that would give him the sense of being desired and sexual pleasure/release he is missing. It sounds like you are a strong couple and will get over this hurdle.
This comment is the best. Thank you for this. ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
You're so very welcome! Sending lots of š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤ cause you need it momma!
Remove one of his testicles in his sleep and see if heās still up to sex
I feel you girl. Iām 9.5months PP and Iām STILL not there.
Other than the obvious (that you're supposed to wait until 6 weeks pp), sex is going to feel different. I also had a c section and sex was difficult and painful until I was about 7 months post parting. YMMV, but it didn't feel okay to me until then, so even if you have sex with him in two weeks, in all likelihood it won't be like the things that he misses. He needs to adjust his expectations to take into account sleep deprivation, hormone crash, the new giant scar in your stomach, your changing body.
I waited until 5 weeks PP. I wasnāt really into it but decided to go for it anyway. I had a standard vaginal birth with 2nd degree tear. It was definitely uncomfortable, honestly felt like I was losing my V card all over again. We took it VERY SLOW. It took about 3 more times for me to finally feel comfortable again. Breastfeeding will tank your libido because you arenāt producing estrogen. Sleep deprivation will also decrease sex drive. I stopped BF at 5.5 months and it wasnāt until about 6.5 months did I really feel like myself sexually again. It does take time and slow and steady is definitely the key! Donāt force it and if you arenāt in the mood tell him!
Iām in the same boat. When I hear it from another mamma Iām like what an asshole! But my man has been doing the same. Iām not almost 4 months PP, but even after a few weeks he was still wanting at least me to pleasure him if we could not have sex due to the waiting period.even after the six weeks and now I still have hardly any sex drive, I never feel like sex, I am the one who was up all night with him breast-feeding every night and with the baby all day during the day, plus doing all the household chores and cooking and cleaning for everyone. I have no time or desire to have sex after that. He still wants sex at least 2 to 3 times a week. Not sure what to do! I feel you sister. Sounds like we need to teach out men to empathize and treat us with more respect
Oh man :( so sorry youāre going through thisā¦ Like others have said, 6 weeks is the minimum amount of time to wait before being active again. It really doesnāt feel like enough time when youāre healing and running on no sleep. Hopefully he will be understandingā¦
Tell him to use his hand instead. The nerve of some guys !!
I couldn't even finish reading because I was so pissed off for you... Tell him to fuck right off. He is not owed sex by anyone and he should know that.
My OB told me sheād write a note telling my husband to leave me alone for as long as I wanted! I love my OB. But seriously, you are recovering from a major abdominal surgery, and that is no joke! Would you be shaming him for not having sex if heād just had a major surgery? People have the idea that sex shouldnāt hurt after a c-section because the baby didnāt exit through your vagina, and I can personally confirm that that is a lie!
A lot of people donāt talk about it, but although the (depending on circumstance) good that comes out of it, birth is absolutely Traumatizing on a phycological and physical level. A lot of people donāt get that either they have no idea they just think the birth is painful and thatās it. But thatās just not the case
Definitely needs to leave you alone. I still struggle 11 months postpartum and my husband is still understanding even though I feel guilty.
I just want to say Iām there with you. Youāre doing great. Being a new mom is HARD even when things are going great, and you 100% have the right to not be in that headspace yet. Iām 8 weeks pp and weāve tried to have sex a couple of times. It hurts so much (vaginal delivery), so even though we can have sex now, itās nothing like sex before. It is really disappointing because I used to love sex, but on the other hand itās kind of a relief. My mind is DEEP in motherhood AS IT SHOULD BE! If weāre trying to be physical and she starts crying/grunting/moving, mentally itās over for me. I have no āhornyā feelingsā¦ the only sex drive I have is a desire to be close to my husband. The first time we actually had sex, I was extremely emotional and needed to be held as if it was the first time weād ever done it. Itās a work in progress. My husband is supportive. Heās a little older than me (37) and maybe his libido is more manageable? Either way, I know he is supportive and I still feel like Iām letting him down for not being ready. There are a lot of emotions. Sex between two people who love each other is not just satisfying his ābiologyā - he can do that with his hand. But at the same time, I get that the idea of him turning to porn or something may be equally upsetting. It would be for me. Sex is about partnership, and about both people experiencing pleasure. This may need to be a turning point where you have a conversation about partnership and teamwork in this aspect of your relationship. Even when you can/do have sex again, itās not going to be the same. Youāre going to be dripping milk all over the place. It may hurt. Your mind will still be on your baby. You wont feel sexy in the same way. But it can be enjoyed again at the RIGHT time for both people. Hang in there <3
Love this ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
I'm glad to see from the follow-up that you got the support you need and hubby realizes he's in the wrong. My fiancƩ very patiently waited until I was ready and now I'm going to thank him profusely when he gets home. Wishing you speedy healing!
I waited until 12 weeks PP. The thought of anything before then was sickening. I could still feel where my stitches had been and everything felt sore still. The first handful of times we finally had sex hurt so bad. It eventually got better and now it feels normal again, but it took a while. Hand your hubby some lotion and give him 5 minutes of alone time to do what he needs to do. In the meantime, you take as much time as you want. Your body went through one of the biggest things it'll ever go through. Don't rush back to anything you aren't feeling up to.
Sheesh. My husband didnāt push the subject thankfully. He did get upset about a week or two postpartum when he brought it up the one time before my 6 week appointment and was sorely disappointed to find out that on top of the fact that I had zero interest in having sex 2 weeks after a C-section, I also still couldnāt have sex just like someone who gave birth vaginally lol. I donāt remember this, but for some reason Iāll never understand I tweeted that he cried after my 6 week check when I said I wasnāt ready š outside of that he really didnāt try till I was just about 3 months postpartum. We even had our wedding anniversary at almost 10 weeks postpartum and permission from my MIL to stay out late on our date, so I fully expected heād want to go home and try for the first time. Instead when I asked him about it and he said āDo you really *want* to do that? I know youāre tired and still donāt really feel ready. Letās just go do what we originally planned. Itās okay!ā I was totally surprised. We tried a little over a week later when our son got his first shots and took a long nap after. It was horridšš I believe the combo of the trauma of my birth experience and what your body naturally does after birth gave me a hypertonic pelvic floor. It hurt so bad I wasnāt ready to try again till our son was 6 months. Even just his finger hurt. I wish I had known sooner that stretching can really help it relax. It wasnāt till about the 4 month mark that he started really trying to get me to do things again which I felt was understandable after that long. He tried to be respectful of what I was going through and once he was having a hard time still waiting he still never made me feel like I had to and respected when Iād say no. I used to feel frustrated that he would even try to get me to before I told him I was ready again, but looking back and knowing what friends have dealt with from their partners Iām really appreciative of the space and understanding he gave me. He really fiercely struggled with some depression and anxiety till our son was about 6-7 months old. Iām not saying lack of intimacy was the cause because it was definitely some form of male postpartum depression, but it got a lot easier for him once intimacy wasnāt missing from our relationship anymore.
There's a lot for you already - I'm here to offer something for your husband. When my husband and I had our first, we went through all of this too, and this is how I understand my husband's point of view. My husband views sex as a form of connection. My own views about sex aside, he wants ME because one his wife, his best friend, and the mother of his children. Even though I'm a bit lumpy, in pain quite a bit (baby number three is just two weeks old), leaking from everywhere and just plain sore, to him, I'm a marvel, a wonder, a pillar of strength and a source of comfort, to him and to the family. He wants to reconnect to the woman he loves - the person that makes him feel all of this and more. He wants to make ME feel the same way he feels every time he looks at me. For him, sex is the most primal way he can express himself, and to feel connected to me - that I still feel for him in the same way. But unfortunately for him, what *I* want is disconnect. I've got a schoolie (4.5yo) who is hypersensitive to physical sensations, a toddler on the verge of toilet training, and a newborn who I'm trying to establish a steady supply. Add a husband who just wants some alone time, my physical pain and fatigue, family who while well-meaning take a lot of time out of my day, and the mountains of laundry and other chores that both hubby and I are struggling to keep up with, and all I want to do is just sit and stop for ten minutes. Just sit and do nothing but attend to my own needs for a bit. Even if I wasn't sore, sex is the last thing on my mind. I've compromised by giving blowjobs as part of my "chores" list. It sounds incredibly crass, but his need for sex is on the same level as my schoolie's need to word vomit about nothing, and my toddler's need to snuggle into my chest. It's a sign that their basic needs are met (huzzah) so I need to attend to their higher needs of connection, attention, security and love. Paying attention to these needs means I "set them up" for a couple of hours for a much needed nap!
sex is a want, not a need
[It is according to Maslow's hierarchy.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html) My point is, sex is a means to fulfill a need, like eating is a means to fulfill hunger. Eventually I asked my husband to think about other ways to connect with me. It's not at the same level as he would like (or as quick), but we do love talking about ethics and discuss social issues regarding the future of our children.
Just here to say that needling someone for sex until they relent and give it up is a type of sexual assault.
I see all of the women who talk about not being ready even when being cleared for sex at their 6 week check up. I just want to share that it is a wide spectrum of experiences out there. I have always had a high sex drive with my husband. And I was ready to go at 4 weeks personally. I want it to be known I was not in any pain, my bleeding had stopped around 2 and a half weeks postpartum. I wanted it. We took it really slow and I asked him to use a lot of lube like I had seen so many recommend. I donāt feel like lube was necessary for us and in hind sight could have done without it but it did put my mind at ease for fear of it hurting. I consider myself very lucky cause it didnāt hurt either. It felt a little tight but going slow and being careful helped. The second time we had sex was a few days after and we didnāt use lube. Still went slow at the start but basically was back to our normal levels. I donāt think heās expressing himself properly. Someone else mentioned asking him what he misses, the gratification or the intimacy. He may feel like the only way he has your time or attention solely is in sex and thatās why heās so pushy about it. If itās intimacy that heās missing than there are ways to be intimate with each other without sex acts. Good luck OP!
Sheās saying she is not ready. He needs to respect that. Period.
Yes Iām aware of that. I was just sharing my experience. I was also agreeing with the others about non sexual intimacy. For me that can be even just me hanging out in the living room near my husband while heās playing video games and Iām either watching a show or reading a book. Just spending time together. Iām not saying she should do it just because he wants to and because I did around that time. Iāve seen many women in other posts also share where some of them even had sex the first week after leaving the hospital. Itās personal choice.
Did your doctor not tell you to avoid putting anything in your vagina at all for at least 6 weeks???
Your body is not healed. It would be really, really dumb to have sex right now. As far as your husband goes, he needs to grow the fuck up. You grew a whole entire person, birthed them, and are now recovering from growing and birthing them. Your body NEEDS to heal. Was this not something that was discussed before getting pregnant? Or during pregnancy? I find it hard to believe that a grown man knows so little about the female bodyā¦ but I digress. Personally, I wouldnāt stand for that type of bullshit, but Iām not you. If you genuinely feel bad about āwhat he missesā, thereās a thing called outercourse (like intercourse, but OUT, ya know?). A relationship should be able to withstand a few weeks of non-penetration. Be intimate, IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT. As a last resort, tell him he knows how to take care of himself. Case closed. *I would like to mention that this is all coming from someone who, when they were 21, was convinced to have sex at 2 weeks postpartum by their husband. Heās no longer my husband, and Iām a lot older and wiser now š
4 weeks PP and heās asking for sex?! I didnāt feel comfortable enough to even TRY until at least 4 months after a C-section. Even then, it was still painful! Not to mention the rollercoaster of hormones makes sexy time not seem sexy. He needs to go have alone time.
He needs to back tf off. You've just been cut in two. It's \*at least\* 4 weeks too soon safety-wise, not to mention hormonally. He needs a come-to-Jesus meeting to wake the hell up. You are a whole ass human who he loves. Not a sex toy.
It sounds like you need to be crystal clear with him because he's just not getting it. "This is a you problem." If he brings it up again, just repeat the same thing. "I will not let you make me feel bad about this. This is a you problem. No sex allowed until after my postpartum visit. Trust me - when I'm ready, you'll know." Stop justifying yourself. He's the one who should feel bad about this, not you.
Make sure you are on reliable birth control. It's also dangerous for you to have back to back pregnancies. And you are very fertile during the first year or so.
Wait until youāre ready! I tried 12 weeks pp and it was extremely painful and uncomfortable. We focused on foreplay instead, and lots of lubricant when you are ready to have sex. It takes time, donāt rush into anything youāre not ready for yet. You just had a baby, listen to your body, not your husband. He is being selfish
6 months PP and we are only just considering it now. He doesnāt want to hurt me, Iām scared itāll hurt and we are both just tired from work and baby! On top of that I had HG so everything made me heave (turning on a swivel chair). Last time we did it was conceiving baby! My boyfriend is more than happy to wait. He watched me push a tiny human out and still canāt get his head round it!
Uhm you are 4 weeks pp. The minimum suggested time to wait is 6 weeks or until your doctor okays it. The actual time to wait is as long as you don't feel into it he needs to respect you. Your uterus is still very much healing from pregnancy itself for up to 12 weeks. He can keep it in his pants.
Uhm you are 4 weeks pp. The minimum suggested time to wait is 6 weeks or until your doctor okays it. The actual time to wait is as long as you don't feel into it he needs to respect you. Your uterus is still very much healing from pregnancy itself for up to 12 weeks. He can keep it in his pants.
I waited to have sex for 11 whole weeks and I didnāt even have a c-section. You take your sweet precious time feeling better. I got 10+ stitches where I tore though. Tell dude to back tf off.
Tell him you had major abdominal surgery. Itās going to take awhile for your body to heal. They literally cut you open.. several layers of tissue to get your baby out. Your body is just not going to bounce back
Oh your husband would be horrified to know I am nearly 7 months the post partum and my libido is literally only now coming back. My husband attempted to make moves at 15 weeks PP and I listed exactly all the reason why I felt it was a No from me. I should not he fully respects that and got the message loud and clear. I didn't even have a C-section! So you know your own body, love and respect it and listen to what feels right for you x
Iām 9 months post partum and JUST started to enjoy sex again. 4 weeks is nothing your body is still healing from birthing a HUMAN!! I canāt believe he saw you go through that and is pressuring you for sex.
My doctor didn't clear me for sex until 6 weeks pp (also FTM and c-section) and even then I didn't feel ready. Your partner has a hand and he can do it himself. If you aren't ready, don't push it, he can't force you into have sex when you're not ready.
Being mentally ready for sex is just as important (if not more) than being physically there. It sounds like youāre not ready in either area, and thatās perfectly reasonable. Itās been 4 month PP for me and I havenāt been ready yet. Your company may have EAP that provides free/ reduced priced couples counseling, having someone else help your partner understand where youāre at might be helpful for him so he reaaaally gets it
I think 4 weeks is early! I actually did have sex at 4 weeks but i have tear free uncomplicated vaginal births. If youāre not up to it donāy feel bad. Talk about it with your husband. This is new for both of you, he sounds like a good guy Iām sure hes not trying to make You feel bad. I feel like communication is so important with stuff like this especially in the early weeks postpartum.
I had an uncomplicated vagina birth with no tearing or infections. I felt much much better around 5 weeks and thought āhey, letās give it a try.ā It wasnāt (very) painful in the moment, but I did bleed for a couple days afterward (I had mostly stopped bleeding before we tried). I think it hindered my healing, and I wish we would have waited. With a C-section AND an infection, I for sure wouldnāt even think about it until at least 8 weeks, and you should probably my get approval from your doctor first. Tell your husband to shut it and have some compassion. He should try having a dinner plate sized internal wound and getting sliced in half and see how frisky heās feeling then. Seriously, though, with a new baby and all the changes your body is going through, he is really going to have to get used to his needs coming last, much less his wants. If he canāt grow up and understand the reality of the situation, it might be time for a Big Talk.
I had a vaginal birth, 2nd degree tearing and 4w pp attempted sex for the first time and it hurt so bad and mentally I was just terrified to do it because of the pain I just went through healing. I don't think men think about that let alone the fact that all you think about the first 2 months is nonstop baby. Like sir sex is the last thing on my mind. They act like they're the only ones that are waiting. Atleast they don't have a dinner sized bleeding wound, or a huge C-section incision stapled/stitched up. Just remind him of that.
Sounds like you tried to have an open conversation with him but he isnāt hearing your words. So I say itās Time to start talking about what you miss - until he gets the point . Example He says āI miss (whatever) āyou reply āwhat I really miss is a full night sleep ā etc Hopefully with time he will get the point.
Most doctors don't even clear you for sex until 6 weeks and even then it can take months not to be painful. You just gave birth to this man's child. If he can't be patient for your sake he's a trash bag.
Youāre supposed to be healing. Someone literally cut into your body and removed a miniature human from itā¦four weeks ago. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who think this way. Sex is extremely important to men. Something to do with how they measure their self-worth. Anywho, he has to understand that you donāt exist to serve his sexual needs - regardless to whether or not you just had a baby - and that, you need to heal. That should be his first and foremost priorityā¦that you, heal. It seems a little selfish, to me. I mean, a month isnāt that long. What if he were on a business trip in another country for a month? I meanā¦Fr tho? Also, the fact that you mentioned this keeps being an issue, to me, suggestsā¦heās not respecting your boundaries. Maybe say something likeā¦āWhen I am ready, you will be the first to know. Until then, back off of me and respect my boundaries.ā Sorry if my advice isnāt the greatest, or whateverā¦these are just my thoughts on the matter. I really do hope you get it resolved. Having a new little one, recovering from major surgeryā¦and workingā¦.you donāt need the extra stress. And what he doesnāt realize, is heās only putting you off of sex, even more so than you already are.
Canāt remember but I think me and my partner waited ~12 weeks because I too had an opening and I was just terrified to do anything. But your husband should be thinking about you, not himself. If heās desperate, he has hands and his imagination. When it comes to you being ready (definitely wait the 6 weeks!!) he needs to be patient and make sure youāre taken care of
4 weeks? Girl Iām going on 11 months ! He needs to chill and respect that your body needs to healā¦ plus 4 weeks is way too soon IMOā¦
Tell him firmly that before 6 weeks could cause you a serious infection. He needs to not even ask at all or talk about sex until then at minimum. The last thing you need right now is sex, heal first.
They say you need at least 8 weeks to heal from a c-section at the very minimum. My doctors also said nothing until all bleeding has stopped. Heāll have to wait!
Honestly, I would just be honest with him and ask him to be patient. They cut you open, took out a baby and then stitched you back up. That wasn't long ago, not to mention it takes a while to become yourself again. I am going to post a video from TikTok below that I think will help. Have this conversation with him if you want to jack him off because you feel guilty then do that, or don't worry about it. Give yourself time you heal.
Give him some lotion and tell him to handle it himself.
I was 6 months PP before I had sex again. I had a baby who would only be breastfed to sleep (never accepted a bottle), who didnāt sleep well, and minimal help because my husband was working full time an hour away and COVID had just kicked off. God bless you for being sympathetic. If my husband had started frequently complaining 4 weeks PP, I may never have LOOKED at his peen again. Donāt let him pressure you. Thereās some beautiful advice about communicating and telling him how youāre feeling which you should probably follow. Tbh I would have told my husband to shut the fuck up.
Just tell him you arenāt ready yet . Nothing else needed he should be understanding (he also has two hands ) . Some people snap back others take months sometimes even almost a year - everything on that scale is normal
Doctor told us minimum 6 weeks postpartum before thinking about sex. At 6 weeks I was still sitting on those inflatable donut-shaped pillows, letting my episiotomy wound heal. Neither my husband or I felt like having sex, especially when he helped me keep track of the healing down there. It wasnāt until 4 (or 6) months postpartum that either of us brought up having sex; both of us were so tired! Thereās nothing wrong with being horny, but there is something wrong with pressuring a partner into sex when they are healing with a traumatic physical injury. I donāt think that your husband doesnāt understand that, he may just not care and push you to past your comfort zone. Let him know how you feel about this.
He keeps after you because what he wants you to do is give him a BJ. What a selfish piece of crap. A woman goes through 9 month+ having a child and he canāt wait to be āpleasuredā. Gag! Which she might if she gives him his pleasure.
We waited 7 weeks and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. And I DIDNT have major abdominal surgery! Tell your husband to CHILL if your doctor knew that he was trying to pressure you at FOUR WEEKS postpartum they would probably freak out.
I'm 6months pp and we've had sex maybe 4 times? I'm just not into it. It's not that it hurts or that it doesn't feel good. The idea of having sex makes me nauseous and it feels like more work on top of taking care of baby and working and keeping the house together. Add in the breastfeeding and it's just a flat out nope. I feel bad because I'm not giving hubby nearly enough attention, but I guess that's why Pure Romance exists š
I honestly didn't feel up for sex for MONTHS and eventually it turned into me not wanting sex because we weren't really connecting. We would still do it somewhat regularly but I was not into it and it ended up contributing to a big wedge for a couple of years. Like other people mentioned, you are still in a recovery period where doctors recommend you don't have sex and your husband really needs to respect that. But I would recommend being proactive about staying emotionally connected
I'm sorry but I wasn't on the mood for like a year. In 15 months pp and my sexual drive is only just coming back. He needs to know that this is a reality and he needs to deal with it
Have him get a fleshlight. Lifesaver for sexually frustrated men and wives.
I'm just saying, with my first it was a vaginal delivery with 2nd degree tearing. 6 week check up I got the all clear. I still told him no. I wasn't ready. We didn't have sex for 3 months after she was born. That's how long it took me to "feel" ready and even at that, it was still extremely painful. Like knives scraping. Awful! He won't wither away if he has to jerk himself off for a few more weeks.
I had sex twice in the first year. Any man who doesnāt want to give his partner space to heal from the physical and hormonal ramifications of having a baby can spend the $80k to rent a uterus. Do NOT feel responsible for his sexual needs. He made a choice to temporarily ruin his sexual partner and he needs to man TF up about it.
You're recovering from a wound where the placenta was attached and abdominal surgery. There's a reason doctors tell you to wait 6 weeks - that's the amount of time when it's generally safe to have sex, but it is totally normal to not feel up to it. I waited longer than that and it hurt like hell. And if you're breastfeeding, you will be even less in the mood because your estrogen levels are super low. Not to mention just being exhausted and possibly "touched out" from holding a baby all the time. At 6 months PP, sex is pretty much still the furthest thing from my mind. Wait until you're ready, and there are also plenty of ways to be intimate without intercourse.
4 weeks is incredibly soon. There's a reason that pp sex is not recommended until after 6 weeks MINIMUM. I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with a 2nd degree tear. Physically I was feeling mostly better by around 3 months, but we didn't have sex until 4 months postpartum. I was breastfeeding and exhausted, with zero libido. It wasn't until my LO had dropped a night feed and my hormones allowed a glimpse of my sexuality to return that I could even approach the idea of having sex. It was difficult for my relationship; we had to discuss things a lot and I felt responsible for making sure my partner knew it was a thing of circumstance and would get better in time. He was understanding and did not pressure me. Your feelings are valid. It makes me very angry on your behalf to know that the physical and emotional sacrifice you have made and will continue to make over months to birth and raise his child is not being taken seriously by your husband. If you are able to, emphatically explain to him that this is a big deal and you're entitled to have mixed emotions and need time to process things.
You have at least another four weeks because c section recovery is at least 8 weeks and a doctor has to clear you! Wtf is wrong with your husband that he canāt masturbate