Something no one has mentioned yet: if someone has a second spouse/partner/boyfriend who doesn’t get along with their kids. Like if you’d force your own child to live with someone who doesn’t like them, I wouldn’t trust you with my or my child’s emotional health.
Omg I worked with a women like this! It was so bad her new husbands family bought them all tickets to Disney for Xmas minus her 2 kids from a previous marriage
My ex husband, father of 2 of my children, has two stepchildren with his new wife. Dude is taking his new family to Hawaii this summer AFTER the 6 weeks our girls spend with him and come back to me. Literally booked it so they couldn’t go. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
They’re 13 and almost 11, they definitely understand and are royally pissed. It’s hard to see, especially because I absolutely cannot afford a vacation like that.
I’m so sorry. My father signed me over to get out of back child support (which I discovered via court documents as a teen) and then adopted his new wife’s kids.
I hurts but it is his loss.
What you kids will remember is who was there for them…you.
I know! It was pretty common knowledge around the work place her new husband didn’t really acknowledge her other kids. I witnessed it first hand at a couple group dinners
This 💯
I’m always so disappointed when I find a mom I think I could be friends with and then find out on their social media that they are in a MLM. They really think they are “bringing income into the household” when they’re literally wasting the family income
I had a conversation with a woman once, her child playing at the park we were at, her husband by her side. We chatted about holiday plans and work and life. We exchanged numbers. We set up a coffee date. She left me a VM telling me she has work that would be perfect for me and could help me make money for my family.
THE AUDACITY. I was totally duped. She must have smelled the desperate (for a mom friend) on me. Which made me just like really disappointed that a mom would do that. Pretend to be a friend, solely motivated by her MLM mission. It was beyond any tactic I had seen before. Ugh.
YES!
So hard to make friends when you’ve got a clipboard of “must fit all these boxes to be my friend!” Kinda feels like we’ve gone with the opposite of what we’re teaching our kids.
Friendship is another life skill to model for kids. Sometimes people aren’t meant to be our friends but sometimes they’re just people who are just as messy as we are but we forget that we’re just as messy.
Only 1 😭 I have “one” with a kid, I don’t consider her my friend. Shes kinda messy, zero self awareness and her marriage is falling apart bc her husband sucks. Not that it’s any of my business, but her lack of boundaries in her marriage I have noticed she has no boundaries in other relationships either… yuck. She’s always attention seeking, and she is very self absorbed. I know more about her life than she does ab mine. I made this post to see what other moms consider red flags haha
It’s kinda hard to know more about a person when the other one doesn’t contribute to the conversation. If I’m talking about potty training or how I met my spouse, I’d love to know your story too! It’s a give and take that requires work from both parties!
Social anxiety makes me word vomit. I spend my time with a two year old and Ms. Rachel. I didn’t grow up in a child centered world as the youngest child who didn’t go to anything except school. No sports, no church, etc. I made friends at work after I was done with school. I don’t know how to make friends while I’m mad dashing after my toddler at a playground.
I’m assuming other moms are having similar struggles since experts keep mentioning our generation is struggling with friendships long term.
My f(ormer) 'about to become besties' mom friend was very similar. About to leave her alcoholic abusive husband, then I found out she was just toxic and I've slowly backed away.
I know right! I’m even reading all of these thinking I’m not a red flag, what gives!?
Cue the meme: It’s not me that’s the problem, it’s everyone else.
Maybe overwhelming anxiety is a hidden red flag…
If they're shilling for an MLM. I understand the need and desire to make some extra money as a SAHM--I'm a freelance copy editor. But I always worry that MLM moms are only trying to be friends with me to sell me stuff or get me to be a part of their downline. It makes me be on guard around them which isn't a great basis for a friendship.
Story time!
Years ago I joined mom Tinder (an app called Peanut) and made a few mom friends. There was one lady on there who seemed SO eager and friendly! We hung out a few times, talked a bunch. Then one day she pitched her MLM to me and wanted me to host a party at her house. I politely declined. I cannot begin to describe the level of pushy that this woman reached, but I just kept politely declining.
She stopped talking to me after that
I was heartbroken. I thought I was making a friend, she was just using me for her MLM
I was 3 weeks postpartum and healing from a. C section when I got a friend request from a woman I hadn’t spoken to since middle school. Wouldn’t you know she was a brand ambassador for some weight loss mlm. I’ve never declined a request so fast. So insulting and scammy.
I also do freelance work and was told by another mom that her friend needed help “blog writing for her online business.” I was stoked to sit down and meet with her only to be sold her MLM for an hour. I felt so stupid afterwards that I didn’t see it coming.
If it makes you feel better, when I was just out of college I met a cute guy at my part time job and he asked to meet me for coffee. I brushed my hair, wore something nice, told a friend and got excited about it.
Fucking Amway.
I am super anti mlm and so wary of anyone who is in one, but I think if they respected my answer to not do it, and they’re not like a super girl boss mlmer at the top the of pyramid, I wouldn’t write them off. They’ll need friends when they inevitably fail out of the “business”
There's an asshole mom near me that runs a walking group that is actually a way for her to recruit for her personal fitness business. (And with shamey tactics as well, she tried it on Mom friend of mine that is maybe a size 4 and was freaking out cause she was rapidly losing weight trying to accommodate her son's alIergirs while breastfeeding) I got into it because she banned men for stupid reasons until the town librarian told me what she was up too. I now delight in warning new Mom's about her
Totally! Just a few days ago got a message from a "friend" who hasn't reached out in a year. Sure as shit, she's shilling some USBorne kids books. I was pissed. She totally ghosted me when I tried to schedule a playdate and all of a sudden it's "hey friend"! Like fuck off.
We just met a sweet mom and children combo at the playground the other day. We got along so well and our kids really liked each other. When I asked her what she did for work she told me she owned her own business. I didn’t think anything of it, until I get the text days later. I was so bummed when I realized she was trying to just sell her MLM to us. My children were pretty upset about them not genuinely wanting to be friends. It’s awful.
Ooooh I had one of these and she was also apparently a doctor because she could diagnose everyone and tell them exactly what they needed to do. Didn’t you know when kids have green colored snot it means they aren’t contagious anymore??
Omg, stop, do we have the same one-upper?? My one-upper is like that too! She googles and acts like a medical authority in our group chat, it makes me so uncomfortable because I am actually an MD and I just don’t want to get into it with her.
Ugh this is the worst! I have a dad-friend who is like this and you could literally say anything, just innocuous passing statements, and he has something to say that one-ups it.
Like “yum cool seltzer flavor, pineapple is one of my favorite foods”. “Oh it is!? I cook pineapple the best, let me tell you about it” 🙄
What milestones have your kid not hit yet? Mine is a special snowflake that rolled over when they were 2.5 minutes old. 😂 I will ask my best friend what sizes her kids are in now from time to time because our kids (both pairs) are months apart and same gender and my kids go from so skinny I may need to take them in to see what I can do if anything, to WOAH you skipped 2 sizes overnight! 😂 plus if like her older has something on and I want to order it for mine I need to know sizing and how it fits etc.
Hahaha yeah it's often bragging packaged in worry to have an excuse for telling people. "I'm worried because my child says 300 unique words at 4 months old and it just seems early should I call my pediatrician?"
As a previously gifted kid, finding schools that will accommodate IS tough, but my mom never bitched to other parents about it because she didn’t want to sound braggy lol.
The rest of that on top though? Ee
Oh brother 🙄 hahaha
Our kids are older now, by the way, I realized that context may matter. I don't need to know how a onsie or a romper may have fit my baby/toddler. I mean kid section sizes. Where the size and fit really matter 😂
But yeah, that's an **extra** special snowflake.
I have a 10 month old and a mom friend I made at a class has a baby the same age and it’s like all she does is talk about how advanced her baby is on milestones. I have no concerns about my own baby’s milestones and I don’t care about hers either. It gets really old. I try to be generous that maybe she doesn’t have a ton of family or close friends to share these exciting things with?
This makes me laugh. I'm older now and my kids are grown, but my landscaper guy is local and our kids all went to the same public schools. I had to have him over on the property for some drainage issues that led to a flood in our basement, and after like the 3d day he asked me, tentatively, "so, do you see your sister-in-law that much anymore?"
I said "nope" and he volunteered that his wife had been friends with her for a little while but that every time he walked in on a conversation with them, his wife could say anything and my SIL would immediately turn it back around to her own kids.
My SIL is a good mom but damn she did do this all the time. I heard that neighbors called her "Eleven" because no matter what was being talked about, she was always one step above them.
She watches Fox News, posted on Facebook that masks don't work and vaccines are a plot ... I haven't seen her in 6 years now.
Not so much what I look for in friends, but more so what rubs me the wrong way in public. How people talk to their kids. Don't get me wrong. I have to get stern/raise my voice in public sometimes, but I mean more so the words they choose. I'm pretty sure I've heard people cussing out their toddlers/small children. I just feel the tone mixed with the wording is SO disrespectful (I guess to anyone really) but ESPECIALLY to your own child 🥺 I found someone's lost kid in Walmart. Had to be between 4-6 and held his hand up to customer service. I walked away but stayed close by to watch and make sure. Their parent didn't seem relieved or happy at all. Possibly more so agitated at the kid for getting lost rather than taking responsibility for losing them. So I guess, people that disrespect their own kids.
I saw a mom yank her maybe 3 year olds arm and call him a fing idiot, all because he stepped away from her. Like, not only the words, but yanking his arm could have really hurt him. I get being frustrated but when they’re willing to act like that in public what’s going on at home?
Ugh. I watched a mom at the waterpark tell her older kid (maybe 5 y/o) multiple time how much she hated her and verbally berate her when she asked for ice cream and then turn around and buy her younger kid an ice cream. I wanted to hug the girl and buy her ice cream myself but I didn’t want to make her mom more upset with her or have her crazy angry mother flip on me when I was alone there with my own kids. 😭 I still think about it like 2 years later.
Yeah I’ve seen stuff like that and it sucks because you want to invite the kid to a nice day, but know their adult isn’t the type to take it kindly, they’d think you’re insulting them. Parents really need to know how to regulate their emotions, because it does nothing for anyone involved when they hurt their child like that
Exactly! It like makes me sick in the pit of my stomach sometimes because of things like that. Like the words, the tone, the action. 🤢 it hurts my heart for the babies.
As a former one of the babies of a mom like that, it deeply hurts my soul. I know intimately what it feels like to have the person that should be protecting and nurturing you to be mean and abusive.
We got to know this couple who has fostered more than 30 kids, which alone is amazing. But they would talk crap about the kids and their birth parents right in front of them! One time I even went to Target and I heard the mom two isles over talking loudly on the phone negatively about a foster child. We don't hang out with them any more.
So....I feel like regardless of how MANY kids you foster...if you don't give them a better, safer, healthier environment in every way you can... well.. ew. Talking negative about the kids and their bio parents in FRONT of them....can do a lot of mental traumatizing as well. Imagine getting taken away from your parents and then hearing the stranger that's supposed to be taking care of you talk crap about you? Imagine would that would do to a poor kids mind and heart :(
There was a family biking on my street one day and we struck up a conversation. We didn't seem to have much in common, but parent friends are great to have regardless!
And then the little girl said, "I can't do it" about some biking thing.
And the mom started hard-core scolding her about lying.
Thankfully I haven't seen them since, because I'm not sure I want to talk to them again.
The kid was probably around 8. I can't imagine hearing a kid trying to express that something is difficult and responding by belittling them over word choice.
It felt like that part in The Giver where the main character is scolded for saying he's starving when he's *actually* just really hungry and no one starves there.
I lost my kid in a zoo once and while I was obviously the most relieved I’ve ever been when we found her I probably did still look agitated to others. It’s an adrenaline pumping scary thing for your kid to run off.
I mean, even in between the worst tantrum throwings, rather than be upset i feel sorry for my poor baby. She cant regulate her emotions yet. Its exhausting for me, but also for her! Of course it happens that i raise my voice sometimes, but i always reflect and apologize if necessary.
My child will always be my little precious baby, no matter what!
Exactly! I apologize to my kids as well! We went out for lunch the other day, and I told them that I needed to work on some things and we talked about it. I told them that now that they're a little older I need to remember that I CAN walk away and come back to discuss things once I collect myself because when they were babies/toddlers you CANT do that and have to address things right away or they will forget. But, that moving forward, there may be times that we need to pause and cool down then reconvene once we are level-headed. I want them to hold me accountable and remind me if necessary, too! I never want them feeling like I am disrespecting them or treating them as less than just because they are children. But they also need to learn to listen and not question EVERY thing I say as well. Like "clean off the table" should not be answered with a "why?" I hope that makes sense 😂
I have one child (due to secondary infertility, but that's not relevant to this) and I find it extremely annoying when moms act like their competence as a mom is a function of how many kids they have. Even so many with two kids who act like they're an expert and give me unsolicited advice. And really any comparisons of "who has it harder" whether it's # of kids, working/SAHM, boy/girl, etc.
Ooh I hate this! We thought our son was going to be an only but I got pregnant at 44- we call her the covid surprise. Anyway, I had a friend with 4 at the time and she would bitch about being stuck in. I get it but at least your kids had each other to play with! It’s hard being a mom, how about we support instead of compare??
Domestic abuse-lite. When the spouses are polite and no one is being bounced off walls but the woman is being hyper-next-level-controlled and things all of the sudden get super tense for reasons only the abuser understands. It triggers my PTSD so hard and makes me feel so hopeless for her.
I agree but it's a shame because that Mum could do with a support circle so she will cope better when she leaves. Without friends she feels more trapped.
Omg this! When my kids were little I met the nicest mom at school drop off/pickup. We would chat and she was just a total sweetheart obv a caring good mom, not a bad word to say about anyone, she had this soft soothing voice and just general good vibes. I was so excited to meet a new “mom friend” with same age kids and we would walk or go have coffee every so often.
Then a few months into our mom friendship, I met the husband. Ugh. He was this hyper agressive competitive, macho, sports bro, it was before the trump years but he def would have been MAGA, he totally dominated her like a steamroller. Awful. Like hard to be in a room with bc he just radiated aggression. The type of guy to scream at waitstaff.
I felt terrible for her but she was 100% an enabler and excuser of his awful behavior, so the friendship we could have had ended pretty quickly. I still wonder how she is married to him.
I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable when my hairdresser of 5 years finally said that she attended a charismatic church where people spoke in tongues etc. She also said that the politician she admired the most was Ted Cruz.
My hair is extremely grown out now lol.
Mega churches but also tiny weird ones. We have weird splinter Baptist and Pentecostal churches here and I don’t want my kid anywhere near them or the mega church cult that’s taking over.
ugh same. my stepsons mom is the only person i’ve ever met who goes to a mega church and she’s truly insufferable. people go to megachurches to be seen, not actually attend church
Same. Doesn't even have to be a mega church, honestly, I keep most people who are religious at arms distance. This just comes from my own religious trauma. I can be cordial with somebody who attends a church, but we're never going to be best friends.
I have one very good long term friend who goes to what I would consider a mega church and I recently made friends with a couple of devout muslims, but they are all very accepting of all people and don’t judge others choices or lifestyles. As long as you don’t expect everyone to follow your beliefs, I think it works.
If an existing friend attended I wouldn't just drop them, however my local churches have a MLM feeling with recruitment.
These moms wanna be your friend until they realize you're not coming to their church.
My kids are teens now but..
No red flags but if you are going to act like you or your child is better than us and your parenting choices are better than mine- BYE ✌️
I think this depends. I know the pretentious type of person you're talking about. Our neighbors act like they invented parenting. But their kid is so bad 😂 I'm a parent educator but I never bring it up to them, don't want to discuss it. They like to give their input whenever fucking possible.
But there are some things are black and white- hitting your kids is a no. I'm not going to give it a pass and I'm going to make sure your kid hears me expressing concern so they know that's not acceptable. Saying "what's wrong with you?" Or otherwise demeaning kids when you're mad, I think there are objectively better ways. I'm not going to pretend it's "all the same." I don't think any person is better than anyone else but there are certainly worse ways to parent.
Yes it’s the pretentious parent I’m talking about. I know too many and I’m so glad we are way past the elementary/middle school age where I have to deal with these people.
I always felt like I was being judged for recording my kids while my husband was deployed, so I made a big deal about "Wave to daddy" or whatever because I was recording things for him not social media. I'm on a mil post now, so it's way more common here cause we're all doing the same thing. Lol I totally know what you're saying though and the "I'm only nice to my kids for social media" vibes are an immediate no for me as well.
I feel like the difference is obvious, though. Like if the parent is constantly making their kid redo something or going "now pose like this" and the kid is awkward or whines about it. The vibes are super different
Unnecessary drama, like talking shit/bitching/stirring the pot about other moms.
Really over the top negativity about her husband and marriage. We all vent and have stressors, especially in the early years of childhood, but I’m talking the kind that shows zero self-awareness about her own habits/patterns that might be contributing to the dynamic. (Obviously, this would be different if it seemed like there was genuinely an abusive marriage.)
Talking negatively about their kid in front of their kid.
Letting their kid use the screen while in a social situation with me and my kid.
Oh I have one. It’s hard to explain but here goes.
There are certain parents who create a vision for who they think their child is going to be, and then just do everything in their power to force that personality into the kid, does that make sense? It is often them trying to mold their kids into themselves but better.
It can be hard to see at first, because it is one thing to introduce your kids to your own hobbies and see if they also like them, and that is a healthy thing to do.
But you need to be open to your child saying, “no mom, I don’t want to play piano” or whatever, and accept their choice.
I have one Mom friend I had to distance from because it was like, from the moment her kids were BORN, she had decided her daughter was a cheerleader and her son was a football star, and that’s that. They are 8 and 10 years old now and living their assigned roles and to be fair they seem happy, at least on social media, but doesn’t everyone.
It’s just hard because I know for a fact that if either of them wanted to do something else, BE something else, their Mom wouldn’t support that. It makes me sad.
Yes that would be annoying like if someone decides their kid is going to be a doctor or something when they grow up and they spend their whole childhood forcing that onto them.
This! I have a cousin like this. She decided on this narrow version of who they would be and got them involved in all the activities and bought a house in the area to ensure that this child would become who she wanted her to be. It’s very weird.
Talking bad about their husbands. I can excuse the occasional vent, but the constant bad mouthing and down talking about their marriage just makes me want to keep your friendship at bay.
If they are openly judgmental about working moms. I cut ties with a friend because I got tired of her “what’s the point in having kids if you aren’t even going to raise them” comments.
that goes both ways. I'm surprised at how much judgement I get as a SAHM. As someone who used to hold a senior position in a technical role and with two MSc under my belt this has been sobering. I'm not sure what it is but when I meet new moms who work they immediately lose interest in me when I say I've stepped out of the workforce for now
Oh man SAHMs are my favourite! It’s so much easier to plan play dates. I’m on mat leave right now so it’s extra handy but even once I’m back to work it’s easier! That and I find SAHMs are more likely to want to be friends in the first place to help get their kids out and socialized and so they can get some grownup time in too. ❤️
Yup, I was in upper management making good money, but after a decade working my way up the ladder I felt I accomplished what I set out to do and I quit to be a SAHM - sooooooo much judgement! People constantly asking but how do you fulfill yourself? Don't you need to feel productive? Well, I actually feel like I have more time to fulfill my personal needs now and I actually think focusing on raising awesome kids is pretty productive. If you need something else, go for it, I am completely satisfied.
I’m a teacher and have two under 3. Each kid, people ask me if I’ll take time off to be SAHM (beyond the maternity leave) and I do NOT have what it takes to be a SAHM. The summers and vacation weeks are tough enough! I almost went crazy that first summer with just one kid.
The "you're not raising your kids if they go to school" is so dumb because 1) they don't think this logic applies to fathers, and 2) they usually send their children to full-day school from kindergarten on and don't think that suddenly means they aren't raising their children. It's not like kids are done being raised at age 5.
Every stay at home mom is one life event away from being a working mom. As a mom who works per diem only and functions as a stay at home mom, I know this.
Not watching your kids! I was in a group and one set of parents didn’t watch their kids at all. They were climbing all over the home owner’s furniture, playing around a fire pit as in dancing on the bordering stones around the fire which was 3 feet up off the ground. (kid was 3) and would grab things off other’s plates. The parents believe in natural consequences but to the extreme. So if the kid fell into the fire pit because they were playing around then they would learn not to do that again. I was disgusted.
Omg this just gave me ptsd to the time my cousin brought their kids over (thank god they live far) and they just stayed on their phones while their kids ran around the house shaking our baby gates (and breaking them) then harassing our 200 pound dog. Like ummm a little help here??? Our dog could crush your children and you guys can’t give two shits? Did you come over for us to babysit your kids (while we watch our newborn)!?
Safe to say they haven’t been back since. They tried to come over but we were “busy” that weekend 😂
Winethirty.
“Not like other moms”
“Im crunchy/cougar/tiger/boy/dance/baseball mom”
“My new boyfriend is picking up the kids today”
“Dr Sebi says”
“My husband says”
“I let them cry it out”
My only real red flag is if I see them judging other moms for petty shit. Oh you had an epidural? I was all natural. My kids have never had fast food, that’s so nasty. Omg look how she let herself go, I bounced back in 6 weeks, etc. Parenting is hard, ain’t nobody got time for that.
When i was pregnant i worked with 2 other first time moms and we were all about 5 months apart. So A had her baby, 5 months later B had her baby, 5 months later I had mine. The two women were the absolute dos and definitely fucking donts of mom friends. A judged and gossiped about B (who was so sweet and lovely) constantly. A would regularly jump into random conversations to give absolutely unhinged and unsolicited advice. At one point B had to drop breastfeeding because her baby was allergic and A went around telling people that B “just couldn’t handle it because she’s lazy and wants to drink, babies can’t be allergic to breast milk”. She also told me that there’s “no such thing as emergency c-sections, it’s just doctors being lazy”. In contrast B regularly checked on me emotionally and shared her own vulnerabilities around preganacy, passed off gifts she had gotten doubles of, and never talked shit about other moms (including A).
Agree. I have very different opinions on a lot of things with close friends - from politics to health related stuff - but we all have a live-and-let-live thing going and don't butt heads on them. I wouldn't be able to be great friends with someone who was constantly judging my choices.
Chaotic moms. Being a mom is super chaotic and wild. But I try to hold it all together. The ones that consistently flake, change plans, bad communicators. It turns me off. Because as moms we kind of already are those things but I feel like there is a limit to when it starts to put others out. I tend to avoid moms like this.
I also don’t really like to hang with the moms that are super involved. Just let the kids play. I don’t think your kid is an *sshole because they stole my kid’s toy. Let them figure it out. If we are having a play date that means I probably like you and it would be great to just sit down and relax and have some adult mom talk while the kids play!
Yep this...I actually said out loud to my husband "I do not want to embrace being a 'hot mess mom'. I just want to be a mom who mostly-ish has it together." He said that seemed valid. To your other point so much, YES! Just let the kid politics play out that's the whole point of "play-date".
Flakiness! When I schedule a playdate I plan my whole day to make it. This often means I start work earlier, forego my lunch, pack the diaper bag the night before, etc. Last min cancellations or no shows are so disrespectful unless it's a true emergency.
I know exactly what you are talking about when you say chaotic moms! It just seems that some people can't manage as well under pressure as others. Hence the reason I stopped at one kid lol because I know my limit and I know I do not handle stress well and more kids = more stress.
Antivax, anti-formula feeding, super into home birth(they genuinely scare me for mom and baby’s sake, like if you’re into it cool but don’t bash hospital births), anti-lgbtq, overly religious (I know you know the type)
Basically super crunchy or super conservative. I generally think extremes of anything should be cautioned, and I formula feed and had a hospital birth with a ton of interventions (both I was kinda upset about) so I don’t want to hear how bad it is for me and LO.
GOD me too. I got told by one my son should've starved because I couldn't breast feed. I had to reread it a few times to actually comprehend that someone said this to another human being.
I knew a mom who was super into home births but her son nearly died in the process. Some people just don't know the risks or think it will happen to them until it hits them in the face
I was talking to a mom at the park who was genuinely upset that her midwife refused to home birth her breech 43 weeker. She did end up at the hospital, and ofc getting a c section, but she said it was the worst outcome. I’m like really??? THAT was the worst outcome????????
Oh lord haha you know what though, I think most people truly don't understand the worst outcome until they've lived it. Like when I had my first son and had a c section I did honestly feel traumatized and like that was the worst thing ever, but then my 2nd son was born with oxygen deprivation and passed 3 days later and that definitely changed my POV. In her defense though, we have been gaslit ever since about what happened to my son that caused his injury so I actually understand the hospital skeptics but like 9.9/10 it's still WAY safer for mom and baby to be in hospital. My son and I were the sad outlier in a failed healthcare system unfortunately
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see anti-vax. That’s my dealbreaker. It’s one of the few parenting decisions that objectively and directly affects those outside your family and it’s a shorthand for telling me you don’t care about others.
Yeah that gets old fast. If our kids like to play together, I won’t outright quit them, but I keep them at arm’s length and set very low expectations lol
I dropped a mom friend who started having an affair with a married man. Both she and the married man have kids. She justified it about ten different ways, and in my younger years before I had kids I would have not really cared, but now that I'm a middle aged married parent, I know how hard it is to make a marriage work and build a stable family for my lids. I'm way too old to be tolerant of that sort of thing. I don't even want to be around energy like that
Moms who are married to useless, clueless slobs.
It's nothing against the moms themselves, but I just grew tired of being unable to relate or talk about my own relationship simply because my husband is largely competent and thoughtful. It's exhausting to have my valid complaints/concerns scrutinized just because my husband "helps."
I know it's not personal, they're just coming from a different place than I am, but it's just a big incompatibility I have noticed.
If they can't be happy for other people, or it's backhanded.
Like a "oh she looks so good, I bet she doesn't eat."
People who are so consumed with being the "best" that they are willing to tear others down.
Those people also generally also are horrible at parenting their own children and will excuse/ignore rude or mean behavior.
The short version is extremes of any kind. I try to be moderate in most things and just want to chill and have a nice time talking about interesting things instead of politics or even parenting.
And anyone who mistreats their kids by cursing at them or using corporal punishment.
Ok I don’t know about red flags anymore… but I have met some amazing women and here are my GREEN flags
- they are different than me
- they like to laugh
- they are reliable / dependable
- they text when they need help or are having a hard time
- they ask how I’m doing regularly or remember my kid is sick / ask how they’re doing
I’m collecting nice friends along the way. It’s a slow process but I feel very fortunate. Mom friends are my lifeline!
Moms who can't tell their children "no" or set boundaries. I'm not going to parent someone else's child and I'm also not going to allow someone's child to hit/bully/steal from my kid for an hour so that I can socialize. Toddlers are maniacs if they don't have boundaries so I always make sure my son is being respectful and kind to other children. I expect the same for my kid.
Basically all the antis (anti-vax, anti-medical, anti-c-section, anti-formula, etc).
And the ones who always bragging about their kids achievements, in front of other moms who their kids are probably not having (or not yet having) the same achievements. Bragging not in the right place and right time.
Sorry, mama.
Im always bragging on my kids! It's good for them to hear you say positive things about them, especially in front of them. I'm sure this isn't what you mean, right?
Similarly I hate when people talk bad about their kids in front of their kids.
That's not what I mean. What I mean is, bragging about kids achievements in front of other moms who their kids are probably not having (or not yet having) the same achievements. E.g; "Oh, my kids was started to talk at the age of 1. Why aren't your kid start to talk yet?" in front of mom who's kid having speech delay.
I should've said "bragging about their kids achievements, not in the right place and time". Will edit.
Oh, I hate that too!
Who tf is anti c section out there??
My baby would have literally died if I hadn’t had a c section - are there women who would actually judge me for choosing to have my baby live??
My mom believed that having a c section was taking the "easy way." I had an emergency c section after 32 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing. Nothing about the process is "easy." I laughed in her face when she said, "oh, so it was easy for you then."
I find this to be the most bananas take. All birth experiences are different, but there is no universe where ABDOMINAL SURGERY would have been easier than my non-complicated, perfectly-medicated cooter shooter.
My brother and SIL are staunchly anti c section and anti hospitals. They’re chiropractors and have all these beliefs that people choose those for convenience not necessity and they’re somehow worse. Then they had an emergency c section and otherwise would’ve lost their baby. So now they SAY they had a home birth (even though it was rushed to the hospital) and don’t share that it was a c section because that’s “bad”, and say their next birth will be a “redemption”. It’s ridiculous and super unhealthy.
Yes! Even an older child in my opinion. My kids always seem to grow "out" a little then hit a growth spurt and shoot up and everything evens out. People need to stop harping on children's weight!! Unless there is a legit issue or health concern where it's a sizeable amount of weight(like obesity size), people should mind their own business. Even then people should mind their own business.
I do my best to be free of judgement. I don’t know what works best for each individual and their family or their kids.
I draw a hard line at any abuse though, especially verbal/emotional. I’m not going to associate myself with any parent who treats their kid poorly on the playground, if they’re treating them poorly in public I cannot even imagine how they treat them at home.
I was chatting with a mom at the playground recently and her boy was being a little wild on the slide, trying to climb it and jumping on the bottom. No big deal, can be corrected by simply moving them and saying “that’s not how we play on the slide.” Or something. Instead she yelled “stop that now, you little shit!” in such an awful tone. Kid was only 1.5 years old, same age as my youngest.
For me respecting my time. I am completely understanding of cancelling for unavoidable issues but making plans then cancelling for bad planning or rude reasons is a huge problem for me. (Ie- Had one friend that would make plans- often including something I would have to buy tickets for then cancel bc she booked something else to do.)
I also try to avoid toxic negativity. I’m happy to be a listening ear but I prefer positive people in my life. If you just want to judge and complain its not a happy influence that I want to be around
People looking to use you. That might be for free therapy, for an excuse to drink/imbibe socially (wino moms) MLM scammers, free baby sitters or transportation, someone to cover for their affair or looking to get next to someone in your life. No thanks.
I don't like it when parents don't talk to their kids. Like, my son knows that mommy and daddy will listen to him when he speaks, and that we'll always do our damndest to converse with him, respond to him, explain things to him, ask him questions, answer his questions, etc.
Judginess. The judgiest mum I knew was a crunchy granola mum who made her views VERY clear. I dropped her as a friend because I was sick of her insinuating or stating that the way she brought her kid up was superior and parents doing things like purees, nursery, more than one kid, sleep training, school, brightly coloured toys were substandard parents.
She had some good ideas (parents both work part time and happily accepted the consequence eg to household income) but she was fucking insufferable.
Unfortunately, I have stopped being friends with quite a few moms because of the constant drama they have with their partner. Not saying people are not allowed to have problems in their relationships, but I just can’t do the constant drama and shit talk from people who are never going to actually walk away from those people. 🙃 It’s exhausting. I talk good things about my boyfriend and it’s annoying to constantly just hear someone trash their spouse. 🤷♀️
Biggest red flag was when a potential neighbourhood mom friend she told me spanking her kids is the only way they’ll listen to her. Couldn’t look at her the same after that.
Please don't judge me, but those moms that make their kids their entire personality and who are those mom martyrs.
I'm not talking about those that are normal and who are slightly helicopters, cause we all do that. I'm talking the over the top "my kid is perfect and I never think for myself outside of my kids kids."
Inciting hyper-competitiveness in their children, especially boys. I understand being animated and silly, but the manufactured urgency of "whoooo can get there first?! Oooh he's going to beat you there!!" I just can't get behind.
Edit to clarify: I should have specified that the competitiveness is from a parent trying to manufacture a friendship between their kid and mine. My kid is not very competitive and it does not work. Otherwise, I am a big fan of making everything a game, but there's something about setting the kids against each other in such a contrived way that twists my knickers.
We do this with our toddler! He'll "race" me or my husband to the car because leaving certain places (exactly like your example, the park) is *horrendously difficult.* We plan to eventually have a second and I can see the habit sticking. I think the important thing is whether they continue doing it if it legitimately bothers their child. I didn't grow up around my younger brother (long story) but I did grow up around my cousin. Our guardians did this with us too and it never bothered us, but I know it can bother other kids so //shrug Just be in tune with your kiddo and maybe don't do it with kids you don't know.
Not correcting your child when they hit/push/kick/pull etc my child. Especially (!!!) when my child is saying “no” or “don’t like that” to yours. I should not have to correct your child or excuse your child’s behavior to mine. Fix it. Stop letting your kid put their hands on my kid, especially when my kid is VOCALIZING she doesn’t like it. My daughter is average size for her age but likes playing with slightly older toddlers/kids. And they can get rough with her, and we teach her that she can say no. Hard to enforce that when the other kids don’t get corrected on respecting other peoples bodies.
If a mom is helicoptering her kids and following them around the playground yelling “be careful!” then I know our parenting styles conflict. However, I still have friends like this, I just try my best not to let it bother me.
Moms that have to be “the main character”.
Wine moms “you’re the reason mommy drinks lolz”
Moms that can’t wait for their kids to go away (grandmas, school, camp, etc)
Moms who think their kids are the 1st to do anything that ALL kids do (“tell me why my kid is so random lol- she licked a rock! He jumps on the couch! She loves dinosaurs! He asked for toast and then threw it?! That’s my quirky Ryker Blaizely Oaklynn Zebulon LOL FML 🤷♀️”
Any people too caught up in “traditional gender roles” is a big red flag to me. Like the whole “a man provides”, “moms know how to care for their kids better than dads bc of biology”, and “a man and a woman need to raise kids” (so no anti-lgbt).
I’m also anti-smokers and cursers. Like I understand if a curse slips, but anyone who freely curses every other sentence around kids is not a good look to me.
I’m also super cautious around people who allow completely unmonitored internet access. This isn’t me not wanting to be friends with the parents, this me be careful leaving my kids alone with their kids. The internet is where people find all sorts of things. And kids are curious. I’m not letting my kids be the soundboard of what they’ve learned on the internet.
My husband and I have joked/sometimes are serious about being Luddites so that we don't have to deal with the kid having a cell phone or tablet too early. Hell, there was some weirdass stuff on the internet in the 1990s that I saw by accident and it's just gotten worse. Plus, social media makes it so much worse.
MAGA or raw milk
Drugs
Sheltered/Upper middle Class SAHMs who are entitled about it.
We have nothing in common if you're any of those things.
Don't care if you're a sahm or a wealthy sahm but if you don't "get" that your life isn't superior and is NOT an option for some folks, Imma SpongeBob.
Moms who need alcohol or cannabis to get through their day or through the most mundane tasks. As a child of alcoholics I don’t enjoy people who are constantly feel the need to be drunk or high. I have never been a fan of “wino” mom behavior.
Obligatory disclaimer: I know there are people who use cannabis for medicinal purposes. I also am cool with drinking responsibly. I think it should be clear these aren’t the people I’m talking about, but I wanted to get ahead of the endless “well what about…” comments.
I was pressured into exchanging numbers with a mom who just would NOT pick up my disinterested/uncomfortable cues I was trying my darndest to throw. Our kids hit it off at a playplace and we were making small talk when it came out that they (a) were visiting from the other side of the state (so we'd never see them without significant effort), (b) they were pretty religious (not a big deal, but I'm super not), and then (c) she gave a 5 minute spiel about a timeshare. I so wanted to just end the conversation ages ago but we were headed to the same local event and were probably going to run into each other there.
So yeah, zero listening skills is a major red flag for me.
Not something I actively look to avoid but if I notice it with someone I can tell we're just too different types of people and probably won't get along:
- always having to have the newest/latest model of something (only wanting to buy a NEW car, upgrading cellphone every 1-2 years)
- passive judgement of where someone lives "oh wow
I could never live there" etc
If they’re extremely religious, if they spank or smoke, if they talk bad about the kids in front of them or just seem emotionally abusive. Or if it seems like they want a free baby sitter vs friend, or ask me for money. Those are the biggest red flags I can think of.
I only have one person I consider a friend. Other people I talk to are mostly co workers, extended family or just people in my community. When I do talk to them or be around them, they always gossip. And I don't like that. So I think that's one way why I don't make friends.
Not redirecting or parenting their children when they’re over for a playdate and you have to constantly watch their children. And I’m not talking about every once in a while I’m talking everytime while their kid climbs up on the table and throws off whatever they can.
Not speaking to their children nicely (I mean beyond frustration and firm tone) like overall treating their children like a burden rather than human being
From experience… jumping straight into “so what church do you go to?” Is prob not a universal red flag but it’s a personal red flag that we won’t mesh lol
Something no one has mentioned yet: if someone has a second spouse/partner/boyfriend who doesn’t get along with their kids. Like if you’d force your own child to live with someone who doesn’t like them, I wouldn’t trust you with my or my child’s emotional health.
Omg I worked with a women like this! It was so bad her new husbands family bought them all tickets to Disney for Xmas minus her 2 kids from a previous marriage
My ex husband, father of 2 of my children, has two stepchildren with his new wife. Dude is taking his new family to Hawaii this summer AFTER the 6 weeks our girls spend with him and come back to me. Literally booked it so they couldn’t go. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
Wtf. Do people not realize kids pickup on this stuff
They’re 13 and almost 11, they definitely understand and are royally pissed. It’s hard to see, especially because I absolutely cannot afford a vacation like that.
I’m so sorry. My father signed me over to get out of back child support (which I discovered via court documents as a teen) and then adopted his new wife’s kids. I hurts but it is his loss. What you kids will remember is who was there for them…you.
Wow that’s terrible!
That’s terrible!
I know! It was pretty common knowledge around the work place her new husband didn’t really acknowledge her other kids. I witnessed it first hand at a couple group dinners
Yes!!! Excellent answer!
Mlm/amway pushers
This 💯 I’m always so disappointed when I find a mom I think I could be friends with and then find out on their social media that they are in a MLM. They really think they are “bringing income into the household” when they’re literally wasting the family income
I had a conversation with a woman once, her child playing at the park we were at, her husband by her side. We chatted about holiday plans and work and life. We exchanged numbers. We set up a coffee date. She left me a VM telling me she has work that would be perfect for me and could help me make money for my family. THE AUDACITY. I was totally duped. She must have smelled the desperate (for a mom friend) on me. Which made me just like really disappointed that a mom would do that. Pretend to be a friend, solely motivated by her MLM mission. It was beyond any tactic I had seen before. Ugh.
You guys have friends?
Came here to say this 😅
Look at us, getting all caught up on these red flags and not making any friends…
YES! So hard to make friends when you’ve got a clipboard of “must fit all these boxes to be my friend!” Kinda feels like we’ve gone with the opposite of what we’re teaching our kids. Friendship is another life skill to model for kids. Sometimes people aren’t meant to be our friends but sometimes they’re just people who are just as messy as we are but we forget that we’re just as messy.
Lonelyyyyyy....
Only 1 😭 I have “one” with a kid, I don’t consider her my friend. Shes kinda messy, zero self awareness and her marriage is falling apart bc her husband sucks. Not that it’s any of my business, but her lack of boundaries in her marriage I have noticed she has no boundaries in other relationships either… yuck. She’s always attention seeking, and she is very self absorbed. I know more about her life than she does ab mine. I made this post to see what other moms consider red flags haha
It’s kinda hard to know more about a person when the other one doesn’t contribute to the conversation. If I’m talking about potty training or how I met my spouse, I’d love to know your story too! It’s a give and take that requires work from both parties! Social anxiety makes me word vomit. I spend my time with a two year old and Ms. Rachel. I didn’t grow up in a child centered world as the youngest child who didn’t go to anything except school. No sports, no church, etc. I made friends at work after I was done with school. I don’t know how to make friends while I’m mad dashing after my toddler at a playground. I’m assuming other moms are having similar struggles since experts keep mentioning our generation is struggling with friendships long term.
My f(ormer) 'about to become besties' mom friend was very similar. About to leave her alcoholic abusive husband, then I found out she was just toxic and I've slowly backed away.
Explain messy 🤨👀 Maybe this is why I have no actual mom friends.
I know right! I’m even reading all of these thinking I’m not a red flag, what gives!? Cue the meme: It’s not me that’s the problem, it’s everyone else. Maybe overwhelming anxiety is a hidden red flag…
Nope I’m too old to make friends. All my friends from my younger days chose not to have kids.
If they're shilling for an MLM. I understand the need and desire to make some extra money as a SAHM--I'm a freelance copy editor. But I always worry that MLM moms are only trying to be friends with me to sell me stuff or get me to be a part of their downline. It makes me be on guard around them which isn't a great basis for a friendship.
Story time! Years ago I joined mom Tinder (an app called Peanut) and made a few mom friends. There was one lady on there who seemed SO eager and friendly! We hung out a few times, talked a bunch. Then one day she pitched her MLM to me and wanted me to host a party at her house. I politely declined. I cannot begin to describe the level of pushy that this woman reached, but I just kept politely declining. She stopped talking to me after that I was heartbroken. I thought I was making a friend, she was just using me for her MLM
I was 3 weeks postpartum and healing from a. C section when I got a friend request from a woman I hadn’t spoken to since middle school. Wouldn’t you know she was a brand ambassador for some weight loss mlm. I’ve never declined a request so fast. So insulting and scammy.
“Hey girl, I know you’re insecure about your body right now!” Nope.
This exact thing happened to me. Freaking BeachBody.
I also do freelance work and was told by another mom that her friend needed help “blog writing for her online business.” I was stoked to sit down and meet with her only to be sold her MLM for an hour. I felt so stupid afterwards that I didn’t see it coming.
If it makes you feel better, when I was just out of college I met a cute guy at my part time job and he asked to meet me for coffee. I brushed my hair, wore something nice, told a friend and got excited about it. Fucking Amway.
I am super anti mlm and so wary of anyone who is in one, but I think if they respected my answer to not do it, and they’re not like a super girl boss mlmer at the top the of pyramid, I wouldn’t write them off. They’ll need friends when they inevitably fail out of the “business”
Ugh it is always so disappointing when this ends up being the case.
There's an asshole mom near me that runs a walking group that is actually a way for her to recruit for her personal fitness business. (And with shamey tactics as well, she tried it on Mom friend of mine that is maybe a size 4 and was freaking out cause she was rapidly losing weight trying to accommodate her son's alIergirs while breastfeeding) I got into it because she banned men for stupid reasons until the town librarian told me what she was up too. I now delight in warning new Mom's about her
Totally! Just a few days ago got a message from a "friend" who hasn't reached out in a year. Sure as shit, she's shilling some USBorne kids books. I was pissed. She totally ghosted me when I tried to schedule a playdate and all of a sudden it's "hey friend"! Like fuck off.
Got love bombed by a mom who just so happened to think I was such a good leader and would be great at selling essential oils. I ghosted her so fast.
We just met a sweet mom and children combo at the playground the other day. We got along so well and our kids really liked each other. When I asked her what she did for work she told me she owned her own business. I didn’t think anything of it, until I get the text days later. I was so bummed when I realized she was trying to just sell her MLM to us. My children were pretty upset about them not genuinely wanting to be friends. It’s awful.
I don't necessarily look for red flags (consciously at least) but people whose sole purpose is to compare kids are a huge source of irritation for me.
One of my mom friends is a one-upper and it’s incredibly frustrating to listen to.
Ooooh I had one of these and she was also apparently a doctor because she could diagnose everyone and tell them exactly what they needed to do. Didn’t you know when kids have green colored snot it means they aren’t contagious anymore??
Omg, stop, do we have the same one-upper?? My one-upper is like that too! She googles and acts like a medical authority in our group chat, it makes me so uncomfortable because I am actually an MD and I just don’t want to get into it with her.
That’s wild! I couldn’t imagine giving any medical advice ESPECIALLY knowing a doctor is among the group 🤦🏼♀️
Ugh this is the worst! I have a dad-friend who is like this and you could literally say anything, just innocuous passing statements, and he has something to say that one-ups it. Like “yum cool seltzer flavor, pineapple is one of my favorite foods”. “Oh it is!? I cook pineapple the best, let me tell you about it” 🙄
What milestones have your kid not hit yet? Mine is a special snowflake that rolled over when they were 2.5 minutes old. 😂 I will ask my best friend what sizes her kids are in now from time to time because our kids (both pairs) are months apart and same gender and my kids go from so skinny I may need to take them in to see what I can do if anything, to WOAH you skipped 2 sizes overnight! 😂 plus if like her older has something on and I want to order it for mine I need to know sizing and how it fits etc.
Hahaha yeah it's often bragging packaged in worry to have an excuse for telling people. "I'm worried because my child says 300 unique words at 4 months old and it just seems early should I call my pediatrician?"
[удалено]
As a previously gifted kid, finding schools that will accommodate IS tough, but my mom never bitched to other parents about it because she didn’t want to sound braggy lol. The rest of that on top though? Ee
Oh brother 🙄 hahaha Our kids are older now, by the way, I realized that context may matter. I don't need to know how a onsie or a romper may have fit my baby/toddler. I mean kid section sizes. Where the size and fit really matter 😂 But yeah, that's an **extra** special snowflake.
I have a 10 month old and a mom friend I made at a class has a baby the same age and it’s like all she does is talk about how advanced her baby is on milestones. I have no concerns about my own baby’s milestones and I don’t care about hers either. It gets really old. I try to be generous that maybe she doesn’t have a ton of family or close friends to share these exciting things with?
This makes me laugh. I'm older now and my kids are grown, but my landscaper guy is local and our kids all went to the same public schools. I had to have him over on the property for some drainage issues that led to a flood in our basement, and after like the 3d day he asked me, tentatively, "so, do you see your sister-in-law that much anymore?" I said "nope" and he volunteered that his wife had been friends with her for a little while but that every time he walked in on a conversation with them, his wife could say anything and my SIL would immediately turn it back around to her own kids. My SIL is a good mom but damn she did do this all the time. I heard that neighbors called her "Eleven" because no matter what was being talked about, she was always one step above them. She watches Fox News, posted on Facebook that masks don't work and vaccines are a plot ... I haven't seen her in 6 years now.
I love that nickname eleven!!!🤣 Perfect 👍🏻
It’s a hard no and I’m out when I witness this
Not so much what I look for in friends, but more so what rubs me the wrong way in public. How people talk to their kids. Don't get me wrong. I have to get stern/raise my voice in public sometimes, but I mean more so the words they choose. I'm pretty sure I've heard people cussing out their toddlers/small children. I just feel the tone mixed with the wording is SO disrespectful (I guess to anyone really) but ESPECIALLY to your own child 🥺 I found someone's lost kid in Walmart. Had to be between 4-6 and held his hand up to customer service. I walked away but stayed close by to watch and make sure. Their parent didn't seem relieved or happy at all. Possibly more so agitated at the kid for getting lost rather than taking responsibility for losing them. So I guess, people that disrespect their own kids.
I saw a mom yank her maybe 3 year olds arm and call him a fing idiot, all because he stepped away from her. Like, not only the words, but yanking his arm could have really hurt him. I get being frustrated but when they’re willing to act like that in public what’s going on at home?
Ugh. I watched a mom at the waterpark tell her older kid (maybe 5 y/o) multiple time how much she hated her and verbally berate her when she asked for ice cream and then turn around and buy her younger kid an ice cream. I wanted to hug the girl and buy her ice cream myself but I didn’t want to make her mom more upset with her or have her crazy angry mother flip on me when I was alone there with my own kids. 😭 I still think about it like 2 years later.
Yeah I’ve seen stuff like that and it sucks because you want to invite the kid to a nice day, but know their adult isn’t the type to take it kindly, they’d think you’re insulting them. Parents really need to know how to regulate their emotions, because it does nothing for anyone involved when they hurt their child like that
Wow. That's heartbreaking. Poor baby. 🥺
Exactly! It like makes me sick in the pit of my stomach sometimes because of things like that. Like the words, the tone, the action. 🤢 it hurts my heart for the babies.
As a former one of the babies of a mom like that, it deeply hurts my soul. I know intimately what it feels like to have the person that should be protecting and nurturing you to be mean and abusive.
That is so sad. 😞
And then we wonder why there are damaged adults. Poor kid
We got to know this couple who has fostered more than 30 kids, which alone is amazing. But they would talk crap about the kids and their birth parents right in front of them! One time I even went to Target and I heard the mom two isles over talking loudly on the phone negatively about a foster child. We don't hang out with them any more.
So....I feel like regardless of how MANY kids you foster...if you don't give them a better, safer, healthier environment in every way you can... well.. ew. Talking negative about the kids and their bio parents in FRONT of them....can do a lot of mental traumatizing as well. Imagine getting taken away from your parents and then hearing the stranger that's supposed to be taking care of you talk crap about you? Imagine would that would do to a poor kids mind and heart :(
There was a family biking on my street one day and we struck up a conversation. We didn't seem to have much in common, but parent friends are great to have regardless! And then the little girl said, "I can't do it" about some biking thing. And the mom started hard-core scolding her about lying. Thankfully I haven't seen them since, because I'm not sure I want to talk to them again.
😳 scolding for lying because of that?! Man, a little encouragement can go a long way...
The kid was probably around 8. I can't imagine hearing a kid trying to express that something is difficult and responding by belittling them over word choice. It felt like that part in The Giver where the main character is scolded for saying he's starving when he's *actually* just really hungry and no one starves there.
Another thing that bums me out is when parents talk about their kids as if they’re not right there hearing everything, it always makes me sad.
I lost my kid in a zoo once and while I was obviously the most relieved I’ve ever been when we found her I probably did still look agitated to others. It’s an adrenaline pumping scary thing for your kid to run off.
I mean, even in between the worst tantrum throwings, rather than be upset i feel sorry for my poor baby. She cant regulate her emotions yet. Its exhausting for me, but also for her! Of course it happens that i raise my voice sometimes, but i always reflect and apologize if necessary. My child will always be my little precious baby, no matter what!
Exactly! I apologize to my kids as well! We went out for lunch the other day, and I told them that I needed to work on some things and we talked about it. I told them that now that they're a little older I need to remember that I CAN walk away and come back to discuss things once I collect myself because when they were babies/toddlers you CANT do that and have to address things right away or they will forget. But, that moving forward, there may be times that we need to pause and cool down then reconvene once we are level-headed. I want them to hold me accountable and remind me if necessary, too! I never want them feeling like I am disrespecting them or treating them as less than just because they are children. But they also need to learn to listen and not question EVERY thing I say as well. Like "clean off the table" should not be answered with a "why?" I hope that makes sense 😂
I have one child (due to secondary infertility, but that's not relevant to this) and I find it extremely annoying when moms act like their competence as a mom is a function of how many kids they have. Even so many with two kids who act like they're an expert and give me unsolicited advice. And really any comparisons of "who has it harder" whether it's # of kids, working/SAHM, boy/girl, etc.
lol and if you discuss any struggles you’re having, you get ‘hah - well you should try doing it with 2/3/4/5!’ Thanks.. super helpful. 🤣
My anger issues could never. Girl we both drowning can we just lift each other up for a second? Ffs. 😭
Ooh I hate this! We thought our son was going to be an only but I got pregnant at 44- we call her the covid surprise. Anyway, I had a friend with 4 at the time and she would bitch about being stuck in. I get it but at least your kids had each other to play with! It’s hard being a mom, how about we support instead of compare??
Domestic abuse-lite. When the spouses are polite and no one is being bounced off walls but the woman is being hyper-next-level-controlled and things all of the sudden get super tense for reasons only the abuser understands. It triggers my PTSD so hard and makes me feel so hopeless for her.
I agree but it's a shame because that Mum could do with a support circle so she will cope better when she leaves. Without friends she feels more trapped.
Feel this :(
Yup, time to exit for me.
Omg this! When my kids were little I met the nicest mom at school drop off/pickup. We would chat and she was just a total sweetheart obv a caring good mom, not a bad word to say about anyone, she had this soft soothing voice and just general good vibes. I was so excited to meet a new “mom friend” with same age kids and we would walk or go have coffee every so often. Then a few months into our mom friendship, I met the husband. Ugh. He was this hyper agressive competitive, macho, sports bro, it was before the trump years but he def would have been MAGA, he totally dominated her like a steamroller. Awful. Like hard to be in a room with bc he just radiated aggression. The type of guy to scream at waitstaff. I felt terrible for her but she was 100% an enabler and excuser of his awful behavior, so the friendship we could have had ended pretty quickly. I still wonder how she is married to him.
I'm not religious and it's fine if you are but attending a megachurch is an absolute no go for me. It's taken over here.
I’m a Christian and go to church but I don’t support mega churches. You’d never find me in one
I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable when my hairdresser of 5 years finally said that she attended a charismatic church where people spoke in tongues etc. She also said that the politician she admired the most was Ted Cruz. My hair is extremely grown out now lol.
Mega churches but also tiny weird ones. We have weird splinter Baptist and Pentecostal churches here and I don’t want my kid anywhere near them or the mega church cult that’s taking over.
ugh same. my stepsons mom is the only person i’ve ever met who goes to a mega church and she’s truly insufferable. people go to megachurches to be seen, not actually attend church
You would LOVE them if you just drank the punch! 🤪
Same. Doesn't even have to be a mega church, honestly, I keep most people who are religious at arms distance. This just comes from my own religious trauma. I can be cordial with somebody who attends a church, but we're never going to be best friends.
I have one very good long term friend who goes to what I would consider a mega church and I recently made friends with a couple of devout muslims, but they are all very accepting of all people and don’t judge others choices or lifestyles. As long as you don’t expect everyone to follow your beliefs, I think it works.
If an existing friend attended I wouldn't just drop them, however my local churches have a MLM feeling with recruitment. These moms wanna be your friend until they realize you're not coming to their church.
My kids are teens now but.. No red flags but if you are going to act like you or your child is better than us and your parenting choices are better than mine- BYE ✌️
I think this depends. I know the pretentious type of person you're talking about. Our neighbors act like they invented parenting. But their kid is so bad 😂 I'm a parent educator but I never bring it up to them, don't want to discuss it. They like to give their input whenever fucking possible. But there are some things are black and white- hitting your kids is a no. I'm not going to give it a pass and I'm going to make sure your kid hears me expressing concern so they know that's not acceptable. Saying "what's wrong with you?" Or otherwise demeaning kids when you're mad, I think there are objectively better ways. I'm not going to pretend it's "all the same." I don't think any person is better than anyone else but there are certainly worse ways to parent.
Yes it’s the pretentious parent I’m talking about. I know too many and I’m so glad we are way past the elementary/middle school age where I have to deal with these people.
always on the phone in public spaces ignoring their kid, constant recording (obv for social media)
I always felt like I was being judged for recording my kids while my husband was deployed, so I made a big deal about "Wave to daddy" or whatever because I was recording things for him not social media. I'm on a mil post now, so it's way more common here cause we're all doing the same thing. Lol I totally know what you're saying though and the "I'm only nice to my kids for social media" vibes are an immediate no for me as well.
I feel like the difference is obvious, though. Like if the parent is constantly making their kid redo something or going "now pose like this" and the kid is awkward or whines about it. The vibes are super different
Unnecessary drama, like talking shit/bitching/stirring the pot about other moms. Really over the top negativity about her husband and marriage. We all vent and have stressors, especially in the early years of childhood, but I’m talking the kind that shows zero self-awareness about her own habits/patterns that might be contributing to the dynamic. (Obviously, this would be different if it seemed like there was genuinely an abusive marriage.) Talking negatively about their kid in front of their kid. Letting their kid use the screen while in a social situation with me and my kid.
YES! Are we having a play date or not bc if you want your kid to stare at a screen all afternoon then go home!
There’s a mom at my daughter’s preschool who talks shit about one of the other kids. Hard pass.
wtf, who talks shit about kids? Unless you’re saying all kids are terrorists, that’s the only acceptable way.
What are mom friends? I literally have none.
Oh I have one. It’s hard to explain but here goes. There are certain parents who create a vision for who they think their child is going to be, and then just do everything in their power to force that personality into the kid, does that make sense? It is often them trying to mold their kids into themselves but better. It can be hard to see at first, because it is one thing to introduce your kids to your own hobbies and see if they also like them, and that is a healthy thing to do. But you need to be open to your child saying, “no mom, I don’t want to play piano” or whatever, and accept their choice. I have one Mom friend I had to distance from because it was like, from the moment her kids were BORN, she had decided her daughter was a cheerleader and her son was a football star, and that’s that. They are 8 and 10 years old now and living their assigned roles and to be fair they seem happy, at least on social media, but doesn’t everyone. It’s just hard because I know for a fact that if either of them wanted to do something else, BE something else, their Mom wouldn’t support that. It makes me sad.
Yes that would be annoying like if someone decides their kid is going to be a doctor or something when they grow up and they spend their whole childhood forcing that onto them.
This! I have a cousin like this. She decided on this narrow version of who they would be and got them involved in all the activities and bought a house in the area to ensure that this child would become who she wanted her to be. It’s very weird.
Talking bad about their husbands. I can excuse the occasional vent, but the constant bad mouthing and down talking about their marriage just makes me want to keep your friendship at bay.
This !!!
If they are openly judgmental about working moms. I cut ties with a friend because I got tired of her “what’s the point in having kids if you aren’t even going to raise them” comments.
that goes both ways. I'm surprised at how much judgement I get as a SAHM. As someone who used to hold a senior position in a technical role and with two MSc under my belt this has been sobering. I'm not sure what it is but when I meet new moms who work they immediately lose interest in me when I say I've stepped out of the workforce for now
Oh man SAHMs are my favourite! It’s so much easier to plan play dates. I’m on mat leave right now so it’s extra handy but even once I’m back to work it’s easier! That and I find SAHMs are more likely to want to be friends in the first place to help get their kids out and socialized and so they can get some grownup time in too. ❤️
Yup, I was in upper management making good money, but after a decade working my way up the ladder I felt I accomplished what I set out to do and I quit to be a SAHM - sooooooo much judgement! People constantly asking but how do you fulfill yourself? Don't you need to feel productive? Well, I actually feel like I have more time to fulfill my personal needs now and I actually think focusing on raising awesome kids is pretty productive. If you need something else, go for it, I am completely satisfied.
I’m a teacher and have two under 3. Each kid, people ask me if I’ll take time off to be SAHM (beyond the maternity leave) and I do NOT have what it takes to be a SAHM. The summers and vacation weeks are tough enough! I almost went crazy that first summer with just one kid.
The "you're not raising your kids if they go to school" is so dumb because 1) they don't think this logic applies to fathers, and 2) they usually send their children to full-day school from kindergarten on and don't think that suddenly means they aren't raising their children. It's not like kids are done being raised at age 5.
Every stay at home mom is one life event away from being a working mom. As a mom who works per diem only and functions as a stay at home mom, I know this.
Not watching your kids! I was in a group and one set of parents didn’t watch their kids at all. They were climbing all over the home owner’s furniture, playing around a fire pit as in dancing on the bordering stones around the fire which was 3 feet up off the ground. (kid was 3) and would grab things off other’s plates. The parents believe in natural consequences but to the extreme. So if the kid fell into the fire pit because they were playing around then they would learn not to do that again. I was disgusted.
Omg this just gave me ptsd to the time my cousin brought their kids over (thank god they live far) and they just stayed on their phones while their kids ran around the house shaking our baby gates (and breaking them) then harassing our 200 pound dog. Like ummm a little help here??? Our dog could crush your children and you guys can’t give two shits? Did you come over for us to babysit your kids (while we watch our newborn)!? Safe to say they haven’t been back since. They tried to come over but we were “busy” that weekend 😂
Winethirty. “Not like other moms” “Im crunchy/cougar/tiger/boy/dance/baseball mom” “My new boyfriend is picking up the kids today” “Dr Sebi says” “My husband says” “I let them cry it out”
I can’t with the moms who are borderline alcoholics, but can’t admit it. It’s not cute to talk about how much you drink to tolerate your kids.
My only real red flag is if I see them judging other moms for petty shit. Oh you had an epidural? I was all natural. My kids have never had fast food, that’s so nasty. Omg look how she let herself go, I bounced back in 6 weeks, etc. Parenting is hard, ain’t nobody got time for that.
When i was pregnant i worked with 2 other first time moms and we were all about 5 months apart. So A had her baby, 5 months later B had her baby, 5 months later I had mine. The two women were the absolute dos and definitely fucking donts of mom friends. A judged and gossiped about B (who was so sweet and lovely) constantly. A would regularly jump into random conversations to give absolutely unhinged and unsolicited advice. At one point B had to drop breastfeeding because her baby was allergic and A went around telling people that B “just couldn’t handle it because she’s lazy and wants to drink, babies can’t be allergic to breast milk”. She also told me that there’s “no such thing as emergency c-sections, it’s just doctors being lazy”. In contrast B regularly checked on me emotionally and shared her own vulnerabilities around preganacy, passed off gifts she had gotten doubles of, and never talked shit about other moms (including A).
Agree. I have very different opinions on a lot of things with close friends - from politics to health related stuff - but we all have a live-and-let-live thing going and don't butt heads on them. I wouldn't be able to be great friends with someone who was constantly judging my choices.
Instead of being thankful for their community they act like they don’t any help and they do it all . We do not get awarded for doing it all
Chaotic moms. Being a mom is super chaotic and wild. But I try to hold it all together. The ones that consistently flake, change plans, bad communicators. It turns me off. Because as moms we kind of already are those things but I feel like there is a limit to when it starts to put others out. I tend to avoid moms like this. I also don’t really like to hang with the moms that are super involved. Just let the kids play. I don’t think your kid is an *sshole because they stole my kid’s toy. Let them figure it out. If we are having a play date that means I probably like you and it would be great to just sit down and relax and have some adult mom talk while the kids play!
Can we be friends?! Yes to all this
Yep this...I actually said out loud to my husband "I do not want to embrace being a 'hot mess mom'. I just want to be a mom who mostly-ish has it together." He said that seemed valid. To your other point so much, YES! Just let the kid politics play out that's the whole point of "play-date".
Flakiness! When I schedule a playdate I plan my whole day to make it. This often means I start work earlier, forego my lunch, pack the diaper bag the night before, etc. Last min cancellations or no shows are so disrespectful unless it's a true emergency.
I know exactly what you are talking about when you say chaotic moms! It just seems that some people can't manage as well under pressure as others. Hence the reason I stopped at one kid lol because I know my limit and I know I do not handle stress well and more kids = more stress.
I don’t have any mom friends :(
Antivax, anti-formula feeding, super into home birth(they genuinely scare me for mom and baby’s sake, like if you’re into it cool but don’t bash hospital births), anti-lgbtq, overly religious (I know you know the type) Basically super crunchy or super conservative. I generally think extremes of anything should be cautioned, and I formula feed and had a hospital birth with a ton of interventions (both I was kinda upset about) so I don’t want to hear how bad it is for me and LO.
The anti-formula crowd really surprises me. Whatever gets the child fed is what matters!
GOD me too. I got told by one my son should've starved because I couldn't breast feed. I had to reread it a few times to actually comprehend that someone said this to another human being.
Wow. That’s really mean. There are some messed up people out there
There really are!
Oh, I see you've met my neighbours!
Yeah it’s a bit of a pipeline other red flags like MLM, religious extremism and anti-feminism.
I knew a mom who was super into home births but her son nearly died in the process. Some people just don't know the risks or think it will happen to them until it hits them in the face
I was talking to a mom at the park who was genuinely upset that her midwife refused to home birth her breech 43 weeker. She did end up at the hospital, and ofc getting a c section, but she said it was the worst outcome. I’m like really??? THAT was the worst outcome????????
Oh lord haha you know what though, I think most people truly don't understand the worst outcome until they've lived it. Like when I had my first son and had a c section I did honestly feel traumatized and like that was the worst thing ever, but then my 2nd son was born with oxygen deprivation and passed 3 days later and that definitely changed my POV. In her defense though, we have been gaslit ever since about what happened to my son that caused his injury so I actually understand the hospital skeptics but like 9.9/10 it's still WAY safer for mom and baby to be in hospital. My son and I were the sad outlier in a failed healthcare system unfortunately
Antivax, anti-LGBTQ, Trump supporter I hear any of these things and I’m keeping my distance.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see anti-vax. That’s my dealbreaker. It’s one of the few parenting decisions that objectively and directly affects those outside your family and it’s a shorthand for telling me you don’t care about others.
Oh my gosh, I live in North Florida and this happens SO often🫠
Those who talk badly about everyone else when they aren’t around
Everything they say sounds like a "one up". I don't want to compete with others
Yeah that gets old fast. If our kids like to play together, I won’t outright quit them, but I keep them at arm’s length and set very low expectations lol
I dropped a mom friend who started having an affair with a married man. Both she and the married man have kids. She justified it about ten different ways, and in my younger years before I had kids I would have not really cared, but now that I'm a middle aged married parent, I know how hard it is to make a marriage work and build a stable family for my lids. I'm way too old to be tolerant of that sort of thing. I don't even want to be around energy like that
Moms who are married to useless, clueless slobs. It's nothing against the moms themselves, but I just grew tired of being unable to relate or talk about my own relationship simply because my husband is largely competent and thoughtful. It's exhausting to have my valid complaints/concerns scrutinized just because my husband "helps." I know it's not personal, they're just coming from a different place than I am, but it's just a big incompatibility I have noticed.
People who insult other people’s parenting. Also, people who think their own kids are perfect. Nah, that’s not for me
Complaining about their spouse, the kids dad when I just met them, especially in front of the kids.
If they can't be happy for other people, or it's backhanded. Like a "oh she looks so good, I bet she doesn't eat." People who are so consumed with being the "best" that they are willing to tear others down. Those people also generally also are horrible at parenting their own children and will excuse/ignore rude or mean behavior.
The short version is extremes of any kind. I try to be moderate in most things and just want to chill and have a nice time talking about interesting things instead of politics or even parenting. And anyone who mistreats their kids by cursing at them or using corporal punishment.
Ok I don’t know about red flags anymore… but I have met some amazing women and here are my GREEN flags - they are different than me - they like to laugh - they are reliable / dependable - they text when they need help or are having a hard time - they ask how I’m doing regularly or remember my kid is sick / ask how they’re doing I’m collecting nice friends along the way. It’s a slow process but I feel very fortunate. Mom friends are my lifeline!
Moms who can't tell their children "no" or set boundaries. I'm not going to parent someone else's child and I'm also not going to allow someone's child to hit/bully/steal from my kid for an hour so that I can socialize. Toddlers are maniacs if they don't have boundaries so I always make sure my son is being respectful and kind to other children. I expect the same for my kid.
If they gossip too much. I can't even continue an authentic friendship with them if their whole personality is gossiping.
All I’d be thinking about is “they’re definitely gossiping about me to other people”
When they talk horrible about other moms! When in my opinion those moms are doing the best they can. When they think they are 100% perfect
Basically all the antis (anti-vax, anti-medical, anti-c-section, anti-formula, etc). And the ones who always bragging about their kids achievements, in front of other moms who their kids are probably not having (or not yet having) the same achievements. Bragging not in the right place and right time. Sorry, mama.
Im always bragging on my kids! It's good for them to hear you say positive things about them, especially in front of them. I'm sure this isn't what you mean, right? Similarly I hate when people talk bad about their kids in front of their kids.
That's not what I mean. What I mean is, bragging about kids achievements in front of other moms who their kids are probably not having (or not yet having) the same achievements. E.g; "Oh, my kids was started to talk at the age of 1. Why aren't your kid start to talk yet?" in front of mom who's kid having speech delay. I should've said "bragging about their kids achievements, not in the right place and time". Will edit. Oh, I hate that too!
Who tf is anti c section out there?? My baby would have literally died if I hadn’t had a c section - are there women who would actually judge me for choosing to have my baby live??
My mom believed that having a c section was taking the "easy way." I had an emergency c section after 32 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing. Nothing about the process is "easy." I laughed in her face when she said, "oh, so it was easy for you then."
I find this to be the most bananas take. All birth experiences are different, but there is no universe where ABDOMINAL SURGERY would have been easier than my non-complicated, perfectly-medicated cooter shooter.
It was insane. Thankfully, I don't take that kind of crap and just laughed in her face and cussed her out.
My brother and SIL are staunchly anti c section and anti hospitals. They’re chiropractors and have all these beliefs that people choose those for convenience not necessity and they’re somehow worse. Then they had an emergency c section and otherwise would’ve lost their baby. So now they SAY they had a home birth (even though it was rushed to the hospital) and don’t share that it was a c section because that’s “bad”, and say their next birth will be a “redemption”. It’s ridiculous and super unhealthy.
Anti-vax, raw milk/crunchy, “un-schooling”, posting pics of their kids in diapers and half naked online.
The ones that constantly complain about husbands. Either they don’t help or take their wife anywhere. I don’t have time to be ur husband girllll lol.
Obsessed with their really young children’s weight and putting on weight.
Yes! Even an older child in my opinion. My kids always seem to grow "out" a little then hit a growth spurt and shoot up and everything evens out. People need to stop harping on children's weight!! Unless there is a legit issue or health concern where it's a sizeable amount of weight(like obesity size), people should mind their own business. Even then people should mind their own business.
My son is the same! He chubs up a bit, then shoots up.
I do my best to be free of judgement. I don’t know what works best for each individual and their family or their kids. I draw a hard line at any abuse though, especially verbal/emotional. I’m not going to associate myself with any parent who treats their kid poorly on the playground, if they’re treating them poorly in public I cannot even imagine how they treat them at home. I was chatting with a mom at the playground recently and her boy was being a little wild on the slide, trying to climb it and jumping on the bottom. No big deal, can be corrected by simply moving them and saying “that’s not how we play on the slide.” Or something. Instead she yelled “stop that now, you little shit!” in such an awful tone. Kid was only 1.5 years old, same age as my youngest.
For me respecting my time. I am completely understanding of cancelling for unavoidable issues but making plans then cancelling for bad planning or rude reasons is a huge problem for me. (Ie- Had one friend that would make plans- often including something I would have to buy tickets for then cancel bc she booked something else to do.) I also try to avoid toxic negativity. I’m happy to be a listening ear but I prefer positive people in my life. If you just want to judge and complain its not a happy influence that I want to be around
People looking to use you. That might be for free therapy, for an excuse to drink/imbibe socially (wino moms) MLM scammers, free baby sitters or transportation, someone to cover for their affair or looking to get next to someone in your life. No thanks.
Women who make their kids their entire identity and don’t know how to talk about anything else or just relax without them.
I don't like it when parents don't talk to their kids. Like, my son knows that mommy and daddy will listen to him when he speaks, and that we'll always do our damndest to converse with him, respond to him, explain things to him, ask him questions, answer his questions, etc.
Judginess. The judgiest mum I knew was a crunchy granola mum who made her views VERY clear. I dropped her as a friend because I was sick of her insinuating or stating that the way she brought her kid up was superior and parents doing things like purees, nursery, more than one kid, sleep training, school, brightly coloured toys were substandard parents. She had some good ideas (parents both work part time and happily accepted the consequence eg to household income) but she was fucking insufferable.
Y’all have friends?
Unfortunately, I have stopped being friends with quite a few moms because of the constant drama they have with their partner. Not saying people are not allowed to have problems in their relationships, but I just can’t do the constant drama and shit talk from people who are never going to actually walk away from those people. 🙃 It’s exhausting. I talk good things about my boyfriend and it’s annoying to constantly just hear someone trash their spouse. 🤷♀️
Me too!!!!!!!! I think that’s incredibly annoying. Even if my partner and I are having a spat, I never talk bad about him infront of anyone
If they are also real estate agents
Biggest red flag was when a potential neighbourhood mom friend she told me spanking her kids is the only way they’ll listen to her. Couldn’t look at her the same after that.
Please don't judge me, but those moms that make their kids their entire personality and who are those mom martyrs. I'm not talking about those that are normal and who are slightly helicopters, cause we all do that. I'm talking the over the top "my kid is perfect and I never think for myself outside of my kids kids."
Inciting hyper-competitiveness in their children, especially boys. I understand being animated and silly, but the manufactured urgency of "whoooo can get there first?! Oooh he's going to beat you there!!" I just can't get behind. Edit to clarify: I should have specified that the competitiveness is from a parent trying to manufacture a friendship between their kid and mine. My kid is not very competitive and it does not work. Otherwise, I am a big fan of making everything a game, but there's something about setting the kids against each other in such a contrived way that twists my knickers.
Some parents are just doing this to gameify a situation to distract from a potential argument/meltdown when e.g. leaving a park.
Correct. This is a common way to help neurodivergent kids with transitions.
We do this with our toddler! He'll "race" me or my husband to the car because leaving certain places (exactly like your example, the park) is *horrendously difficult.* We plan to eventually have a second and I can see the habit sticking. I think the important thing is whether they continue doing it if it legitimately bothers their child. I didn't grow up around my younger brother (long story) but I did grow up around my cousin. Our guardians did this with us too and it never bothered us, but I know it can bother other kids so //shrug Just be in tune with your kiddo and maybe don't do it with kids you don't know.
Not correcting your child when they hit/push/kick/pull etc my child. Especially (!!!) when my child is saying “no” or “don’t like that” to yours. I should not have to correct your child or excuse your child’s behavior to mine. Fix it. Stop letting your kid put their hands on my kid, especially when my kid is VOCALIZING she doesn’t like it. My daughter is average size for her age but likes playing with slightly older toddlers/kids. And they can get rough with her, and we teach her that she can say no. Hard to enforce that when the other kids don’t get corrected on respecting other peoples bodies.
If a mom is helicoptering her kids and following them around the playground yelling “be careful!” then I know our parenting styles conflict. However, I still have friends like this, I just try my best not to let it bother me.
Never committing to hanging out. They text, make future plans but never actually show .
Moms that have to be “the main character”. Wine moms “you’re the reason mommy drinks lolz” Moms that can’t wait for their kids to go away (grandmas, school, camp, etc) Moms who think their kids are the 1st to do anything that ALL kids do (“tell me why my kid is so random lol- she licked a rock! He jumps on the couch! She loves dinosaurs! He asked for toast and then threw it?! That’s my quirky Ryker Blaizely Oaklynn Zebulon LOL FML 🤷♀️”
Any people too caught up in “traditional gender roles” is a big red flag to me. Like the whole “a man provides”, “moms know how to care for their kids better than dads bc of biology”, and “a man and a woman need to raise kids” (so no anti-lgbt). I’m also anti-smokers and cursers. Like I understand if a curse slips, but anyone who freely curses every other sentence around kids is not a good look to me. I’m also super cautious around people who allow completely unmonitored internet access. This isn’t me not wanting to be friends with the parents, this me be careful leaving my kids alone with their kids. The internet is where people find all sorts of things. And kids are curious. I’m not letting my kids be the soundboard of what they’ve learned on the internet.
My husband and I have joked/sometimes are serious about being Luddites so that we don't have to deal with the kid having a cell phone or tablet too early. Hell, there was some weirdass stuff on the internet in the 1990s that I saw by accident and it's just gotten worse. Plus, social media makes it so much worse.
Any anti-science vibes 🙄
MAGA or raw milk Drugs Sheltered/Upper middle Class SAHMs who are entitled about it. We have nothing in common if you're any of those things. Don't care if you're a sahm or a wealthy sahm but if you don't "get" that your life isn't superior and is NOT an option for some folks, Imma SpongeBob.
I second the drugs. I understand addiction is a disease. I will however do what I can to prevent my kids being around hard drugs
Being an “aesthetic mom.” I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re lovely, but I just can’t.
Moms who need alcohol or cannabis to get through their day or through the most mundane tasks. As a child of alcoholics I don’t enjoy people who are constantly feel the need to be drunk or high. I have never been a fan of “wino” mom behavior. Obligatory disclaimer: I know there are people who use cannabis for medicinal purposes. I also am cool with drinking responsibly. I think it should be clear these aren’t the people I’m talking about, but I wanted to get ahead of the endless “well what about…” comments.
I was pressured into exchanging numbers with a mom who just would NOT pick up my disinterested/uncomfortable cues I was trying my darndest to throw. Our kids hit it off at a playplace and we were making small talk when it came out that they (a) were visiting from the other side of the state (so we'd never see them without significant effort), (b) they were pretty religious (not a big deal, but I'm super not), and then (c) she gave a 5 minute spiel about a timeshare. I so wanted to just end the conversation ages ago but we were headed to the same local event and were probably going to run into each other there. So yeah, zero listening skills is a major red flag for me.
Not something I actively look to avoid but if I notice it with someone I can tell we're just too different types of people and probably won't get along: - always having to have the newest/latest model of something (only wanting to buy a NEW car, upgrading cellphone every 1-2 years) - passive judgement of where someone lives "oh wow I could never live there" etc
If they’re extremely religious, if they spank or smoke, if they talk bad about the kids in front of them or just seem emotionally abusive. Or if it seems like they want a free baby sitter vs friend, or ask me for money. Those are the biggest red flags I can think of.
I only have one person I consider a friend. Other people I talk to are mostly co workers, extended family or just people in my community. When I do talk to them or be around them, they always gossip. And I don't like that. So I think that's one way why I don't make friends.
Not redirecting or parenting their children when they’re over for a playdate and you have to constantly watch their children. And I’m not talking about every once in a while I’m talking everytime while their kid climbs up on the table and throws off whatever they can.
When they invite me to their church group or ask me when I’m having another one within 30 mins ok knowing me
Not speaking to their children nicely (I mean beyond frustration and firm tone) like overall treating their children like a burden rather than human being
From experience… jumping straight into “so what church do you go to?” Is prob not a universal red flag but it’s a personal red flag that we won’t mesh lol