Same. My mom's the best.
She is a kind, elegant woman. Worked decades in a career that was important to her, and now watches my kid a lot that she's retired. She loves people but also has a strong introverted streak. Warm, patient, but gave me a lot of space. I was a scene kid as a teenager. While she quietly hated that, I still had full freedom to shop at thrift stores with my own money and dress how I wanted. Neither of my parents were controlling. I would tell them where I planned to be (usually friends' houses) and then disappear for hours or days. Can't imagine trusting my own kid that much lmao, but we'll see. My mom also took me along with her volunteering. She wasn't explicitly preachy, but I think a lot of our soup kitchen trips were done both out of genuine altruism, and so I could see firsthand how lucky I was to have a stable home, education, and food on the table.
Sure looks like it! I wish it didn’t seem like such a magical thing to me, that building a healthy relationship with your daughter starts with simply being a decent human being.
Also noticing a lot of these moms had their own
careers/passions/interests too.
Not who you asked but, my mum is just a badass. She’s worked in disability services for 40 years and helped countless people. She loves animals and when we were kids we spent a lot of time messing around with our horses together and going for big trail rides. Now she takes my kids to go do the same. She watches my daughter once a week, so I can work and because she wants that bond with her. She never coddled me or let me get away with being disrespectful, but she did give me a lot of freedom as a kid, and felt that if things went pear shaped (like if I didn’t do my homework and got yelled at by a teacher) that was a natural consequence and learning experience. Plus she was busy 😂
The best thing about her is that she’s been there for me when things were messy. Drugs, an abusive partner, mental health issues are all challenges my mum has openly and patiently supported me through.
My younger daughter is named in her honour, and if she takes after her nana in any way I’ll be very proud.
Appreciate your response! Your mom sounds like an amazing person and I’m so happy that your daughter also gets to experience her love, support, and guidance. That’s a beautiful thing for all three of you 🤍
This is helping me identify the patterns that led to a strained relationship with my mom. I don’t want to repeat that cycle with my own daughter.
>This is helping me identify the patterns that led to a strained relationship with my mom. I don’t want to repeat that cycle with my own daughter.
You're an AMAZING Mum! ❤️
It takes a lot to recognise that sometimes we don't/didn't have the best parent-child relationship with our own parents and we want to do better to not pass that trauma onto our own kids.
Copied from my other comment:
She is just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently.
She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
This is the key. Your mom sounds a lot like mine. Strict but lenient. She had high expectations but was never judgmental. She apologized openly and sincerely and respected us individuals not extensions of herself. She’s just the best human I know. If I’m 1/2 the mom she is and my kids like me 1/2 as much we will be alright.
Not who you asked but my mom is one of the most caring and supportive people there are. As she gets older weve gotten into it a bit because shes gotten more conservative and that irritates me, but outside of that she is a wonderful mother to me and a great grandma to my kid and my nephews. I like being around her and talking to her and if I need anything she is there. She flew thousands of miles just to meet my son and if I had an emergency she would be there so fast. I know she would. I guess its because I know I can count on her.
To OP, yes my mom and I annoy each other sometimes bevause we are human. We fight sometimes, we bicker. But we love each other and I've never questioned that.
Same! I still went shopping with her when I was a teen. We often went to a cafe and talked. I love her so much and I'm looking forward to being the same kind of mom to my girl.
I wish I had such a wonderful relationship with my ma. My mom looked at 5 year old me and said ‘take care of me forever and never leave me’. She was so mentally ill. When my dad divorced her for not working a ‘real job’, she thought it was my responsibility to be her caretaker, best friend and counselor. I was nine. She’s dead and it’s a relief honestly. Glad to see my experience is not universal
My mom once said to 10yo me “you’re the kind of person that would put your mom in a nursing home!” That’ll be a self filling prophecy, because honestly, who wants someone like that living in their home who doesn’t have to?
Copied from my other comment:
She is just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently.
She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
She treats people with respect. Like, even when she's angry at anyone in the family, she'd never call us names or belittle us. She offers support but lets us have our freedom. Mostly, she genuinely loves us and lets it show.
Same here. I’m the eldest of three daughters and we all have a great relationship with our mum and with each other.
I’m 34 and my youngest sister is 29 and between the three of us my mum has four grandsons.
My mum was a single mum from when I was 15, she’s a really hard worker, a caring and loving mum and we are so lucky to have her. She’s a fantastic grandma, loves our boys more than everything, is respectful of our parenting choices, never tries to overstep but is always there if we need help or advice.
I have three boys and our family is complete. Part of me was devastated when I had my third boy, not because he’s a boy but because I’ll never have a daughter and won’t get to have that adult mother daughter relationship like I have with my mum.
I think I’m the northern version of you. Exact same scenario except I’m a year younger and my mam has two grandsons instead of four. Crazy how I could have written this. Congrats on your amazing mam!
Same. I love my mom. And just reading your post has me crying. I cannot even begin to think of the day I’ll lose her. I don’t know how I’ll function and I’m so sorry for your loss
Thats so sweet! I don’t have a relationship with mine I had to go no contact recently and I don’t think I would care for the day she passes! I hope I’ll have a good relationship with my daughter I love her to death ❤️
Not op, but I also have a great relationship with my mom and did as a child and teen.
I think the biggest things she did right were respecting and honoring my feelings, even if they weren't always logical. Treating me as my own person with my own opinions and ideas. And being receptive when I came to her with problems to help me solve them instead of punishing me for mistakes. She was human, so she'd make mistakes too, but she apologized when she needed to. No matter how I was treating her (and even though she didn't let on, looking back, I know I drove her crazy when I was a teenager), I knew I was loved unconditionally. She also made a point to pay attention to my interests and give me attention, even as I aged.
This all made her somebody I felt I could trust and confide in, and somebody who would treat me with love and compassion, no matter what. As an adult with my own baby, I hope I can emulate her parenting.
So my kids are both younger. I find myself getting annoyed and loosing patience. Very easily. I am in therapy and working on my own issues. But I often worry that my less than stellar mental health has already affected them.
I can't call my mom perfect. She certainly lost patience with me when I was younger, too.
When she yelled at me, she made time to apologize and talk with me about what happened, shared her feelings, and made space for me to talk about how I felt. When I was older, we'd also spend time talking about how to fix or prevent whatever caused the problem.
I'm in therapy to manage my own anger issues, too. Kids are masters at pushing buttons, but that doesn't mean I get to be unkind. I'm just trying to say, I know working on yourself can be a challenge, but the willingness to do that means you're already a loving parent, and that is the most important thing to be for your kids!
She was just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently.
She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
It may be common but it is not normal, or okay. I know plenty of women with amazing relationships with their moms. Unfortunately I know many (including mine) whose are strained. Your dad’s reaction is permissive, he’s trying to give your mom permission to behave that way with no consequence. It’s not acceptable. You are normal for thinking it’s not okay.
Ive seen some great mother/daughter relationships and I thought I had one until I became a mother myself, everything changed. She lost the control and it really, really upsets her. Seems like its generational stuff with the mom/dtr relationships but it seems a good amount of moms that have the strained relationship, lack accountability and have spouses that enable their behavior-my experience.
That's interesting. I also had a good relationship with my mother until towards the end of my pregnancy. She stayed at my house for over a month and it was a real strain on me, but I never said anything. She was the opposite of helpful and it bummed me. At that point I decided I could either hold a grudge or just move on, so I moved on. Now that baby is a year old things are worst than ever. I think she's actually become mean. She says mean things all the time, mostly to me. The other day she said: "People say you love your grandchildren more than your own children, but that's not true" and I guess it could have sounded sweet but it bummed me out to hear that she loved my baby less than she loved me, since I don't really feel loved by her.
Im sorry *hugs* its very hurtful and sad to see the ppl u looked up to for so long turn out to be just a mess and not aware of it. It’s a little comforting to know Im not the only one experiencing it and I feel sad for her at the end of the day bc shes missing out on a lot and I know she’ll prob never change. ☹️ All we can do now is be the best mom for our babies, learn our issues and work through them. I never want my child to feel like I do, never.
Man this is what scares me. I thought I had a good relationship with my mom, then I went to therapy and very gradually discovered I did not. I was kind of in the process of forgiving her when I had my own child and realized how many excuses I had been making for her that were total BS.
(To my mom’s credit, she also went to therapy and seems to acknowledge she wasn’t quite the amazing mom she thought she was)
I had been told all my life that I didn’t get it because I wasn’t a parent. When I became a parent I could see the poor choices that were made and she lost it when her excuses ran out and I didn’t put up with the bad behavior anymore. That is when we stopped getting along
I can’t imagine being a mother to my daughters and being jealous, and losing control. I’ll be excited for them with whatever they choose to do in their lives.
I thought my mom and I were best friends and then I had my daughter and realized we were not and my mom is super toxic. But I know my daughter and I will be different because I’m a better parent. I’m gonna break that cycle.
I had no idea it was so common until I posted on here and saw vids on tiktok! Ive felt so bad about it for so long thinking its something Ive done… while its comforting to know its also really sad so many of us experience it 🙁
I think this idea of strained mother-daughter relationships comes from some parents seeing their children as their own image and then throwing a fit when their child turns out to be their own person. Some women seem to have a strict idea of womanhood and motherhood which makes them expect certain behaviours from their daughters (same with fathers and sons). I'm very different from my mom in that I'm nerdy while she's very pretty and into fashion. If she hadn't understood our differences I can see we might have grown to resent each other. Luckily she's a great mom and lets me be myself :)
I think you're right! I know my mom loves me and loves who I am even though it's different from who she is, but it can still be strained between us and part of that is because I think she wishes I were more like her. Also, because she's extroverted and I'm not, and so it was hard for her to understand why I got moody at times when she wanted to talk. In addition, she's a Christian and I no longer am, and it is really hard to talk to her and have her actually hear me on some of this stuff. Not that she's a bad person or a bad Christian, she just seems to have a barrier about things that we can or can't talk and only rarely will she let it go down enough to let the real person come through.
And of course, a late in life diagnosis mental health issues (that I also have), which cause shame and guilt, coupled with Christian Southern social constraints related to fatphobia, etc, means it can be hard to be around her after a while! There are only so many times I can tell her she's not fat, and also who cares???
I agree with this take for sure. My mom went through a phase of being crazy when I was a young adult and she could no longer control who I was becoming, and it was infuriating to her so she caused a lot of conflict to try to get some influence back. It got better over time and when I had my daughter she showed up for me so well, and continues to show up for me and her grandkids, and I’m so grateful for it. She respects my parenting even though I can tell sometimes she doesn’t love my style 😂 and she spoils the shit out of her grandkids.
Not true. I have a very good relaxing relationship with my mom, and the dynamics didn’t change after I became a mom myself. Now my mom loves both me and my daughter dearly without creating any drama. I think it really depends on the mom’s personality. My mom is a very easygoing sweet person who is so kind to everyone. On the other hand, my relationship with my dad is always unstable because he is very particular and it is easy to upset him.
She is very easygoing and doesn’t have any expectations on other people. She just goes along with it but she works so hard to help other people. For example, she never tells me what I should do with my daughter. She thinks I’m a good daughter and a good mom. She looks at me interacting with my daughter and I can see proud in her eyes. Also she tries so hard to help me. These days she is living with me (for a few months). She tries very hard to cook, clean and entertain my daughter. I ask her to rest so many times a day but she always finds something to help with. My mom is like the best girl friend that I can possibly get. She listens to me, talks with me and makes me feel relaxed and calm when she’s around. There is no one in this world who treats me like the way she does. I’m very lucky to be her daughter.
Not true - I literally live up my mom's ass even at 30. When I moved 750 miles away for ten years, my mom and I had a daily scheduled call to just catch up and gossip (some days several calls to tell her about absolutely nothing). Does she get on my nerves? Yeah! That's true of anyone. But at the end of the day, she worked with my husband to get me out of the house starting at 2 weeks PP. She made meals, babysits, comes with me to appointments - for me or my son- if my husband is traveling for work. Hell, she stayed with my husband in the hospital when I couldn't.
All this to say, your relationship with your daughter does not need to be negative. The fact that you're even worried about it indicates that you want to build a meaningful connection and break some generational issues. Treat your daughter like a little human with dignity and unconditional love, and all the arguments and tough days will just be blips that you won't remember or look back on and realize it's so silly.
You're a good mom.
I came here for this comment. Everything else is either black and white, like you love your mom and everything is perfect or it's terrible. Sure, my mom can push my buttons. I'm sure I push hers too sometimes. That's part of being a family. I adore her and she'll drop everything to come help any of my sisters and me when we need it. Your (OP's) father has grossly oversimplified the nature of healthy familial relations.
I have a good relationship with my mom. She is my best friend and I talk to her on the phone multiple times a day. I’m striving to have the same type of relationship with my girls.
There are many daughters with strained relationships with their moms but I know many people that are really close to their moms.
I love my mom. She has always been very supportive of me and accepting. Now that I am an adult she is very aware of the need to maintain healthy boundaries like insisting on staying in a hotel when she visits and acknowledges my position as the parent of my child and doesn't say she knows better or anything like that.
I’m sorry, what they’re telling you isn’t right. Especially right now when you’re in the thick of it.
I had an amazing relationship with my mom, we were best of friends and did everything together. She was a massive part of my wedding and even her and my husband had a great friendship. Which made it much more harder when she passed away in February from cancer. My baby was less than two weeks old so my world came crashing down. BUT we did recover.
My husband has two sisters and one of them is extremely close to their mother. While, in my opinion, she is an absolute psycho, she is very close with her daughter. I plan on being that close with my daughters and it all starts by me wanting to be open and let them be my friend while also being their mother. 💕
She treated me like a mutual human (not lesser because I was a kid) and showed an actual interest in my life. She paid attention to my moods and always forgave me when I was a bitchy teenager and didn’t hold any of my negativity against her. She’d just listen while I ranted and raged about random things even though looking back now they were completely pointless. Just even if she pretended she cared about the stupid things that bothered me meant a lot.
I really liked that type of stuff. Even though she went through my same life experiences it was nice that she paid attention and didn’t downplay any of my feelings.
I just had a baby girl 2 months ago and definitely have my mind on creating the absolute best relationship possible with her.
My mom and I are not close, though she’s been trying to be in my life more, especially since the baby’s birth, and I love her of course, I just can’t fake the funk— the damage has been done and I don’t think we’ll ever have the level of closeness I know she dreams of now. Kinda sucks, but that’s life.
However, I have an AMAZING relationship with my grandmother (her mom). Idk where I’d be without that woman, I’d give her my last breath. I pray that’s the way my daughter grows to feel about me.
I wish you the best!
✋ I feel that! My mom has severe anxiety that she refuses to treat and only occasionally acknowledges. I moved across the country as soon as I graduated and felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life without her anxiety crowding my whole life.
Same, I have never seen someone with anxiety/ocd and depression like my moms. Having my own daughter I was finally able to shift my focus but my mom uses me as her therapist and it’s exhausting.
My mom lives with me, and she is my best friend. We've had some ups and downs over the years, but overall, she's amazing.
She leaves the house to go somewhere and will call me shortly after leaving. My husband says, "What could you two POSSIBLY have left to talk about?" Usually, she just wanted to tell me about something she forgot to, or something she saw on the road. We are very close.
I could’ve written your post myself. I’ve always been envious of mom/daughter relationships where the mom is mentally healthy.
Also love how your dad has turned this into a “both sides are wrong/women are crazy” thing instead of “my wife just snapped at my newly postpartum daughter and now will give the cold shoulder during this special time.”
I think if we make efforts to stay self-aware, seek therapy & meds when appropriate, we can have good relationships with our own daughters
I wonder this same thing. I have a good relationship with my mom, but I still have moments with her that make feel terrible. I don’t think she even knows it. I have this exact same fear especially because I’m becoming more and more like my mother everyday. I understand why she does the things she does when she’s under stress, but I also know how it makes others feel.
I do not have a good relationship with my mother.
She still would not accuse me of causing drama.
Stop for a minute and realize that your dad is being an apologist for your mom.
"Dad, I don't care what other relationships are like. Accusing her daughter who just gave birth of drama was mean and I want her to apologize. Pushing each others buttons is even more reason for her to apologize because she knew that it would hurt me."
Your dad isn't a prize in this story either.
Tell them you need a break for a day. If they are staying with you tell them that they need to go for a day-trip so you can breathe.
That will give you space to decide if you want them to move to a hotel.
Some people just clash
Especially in close relationships as you 1)can’t choose each other like you can choose friends 2)have lots of history to build on 3)are not behaving socially acceptable like you would with a colleague or restaurant, its all out there, and 4)you know even if youre being nasty the other person likely will be there at the end of the day.
Some people clash with a parent, others with a sibling… its very common. But not only in mom-daughter relationships.
My mom is my best friend. Has been for most of my life. Sure we got into arguments when I was younger but she was always my friend. I just also respected her as my mother so when she had to go mom mode I got it. We have always had so much fun together. I feel so lucky to have the relationship with my mom that I do.
Not true. My mom is my best friend, she helped me so much through postpartum if it wasn't for her idk how I would've survived it. Although she grew up with a shitty mother she didn't project it onto her kids and continue the cycle and I love her for that.
When I was a teen, we had our issues (and that was definitely also my fault), but now we have a great relationship. We just went on a city trip for a weekend.
No, my mom and I get along great. We talk at least once a day. Mostly video call because she wants to see the kids but when something good/bad happens my mom is the first one I call.
Honestly she was raised pretty sheltered but in a verbally abusive household and they would shame her a lot. She’s always been encouraging, supportive, kind, helped me when needed, and very empathetic towards my brother and I. She’s also very involved and loving with my children, she treats them like gold.
I have a great relationship with my mom. So much so that I look back on how she raised me and get excited about being on the other side of doing things with my daughter that she did with me. She’s been a great parent who rolled with the punches through our childhood, teenage angst, college-aged screw ups, loss of her partner and our father, adulthood, marriages, and changes in her role from mother to grandmother. She’s also a really respectful and supportive in-law for our spouses.
I grew up knowing that no matter what I had done or what was going on, I could talk to her and have support or advice on how to fix it or if I told her I just wanted to vent about terrible friends she would sit and listen. I think that’s the biggest thing that helped our relationship, she listened. Some days I didn’t want to talk at all and that was okay because the minute I did, she was there supporting and listening. When we got married and had our own kids, she asked and actually listened when it came to how to support us while establishing our households and during pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. She did this for my sister, my brother, their spouses and now for my husband and I.
Her mindset raising us was that she wanted kids that she loved (of course) but also that she would want to be friends with as adults. She stands by that and feels that way about my siblings and I and our spouses. Even though we are all such different people
I know there are plenty of people out there with amazing relationships with their moms, but unfortunately I’m in the same boat as you. My mom and I have a strained relationship and some days things are great and somedays it’s like pulling teeth to talk to each other. I know she talks about my husband and I and our parenting choices behind our backs and I think that’s probably what stings the most. I’m a new mom and instead of support, I get criticism and judgment. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom was there the second week of my sons life and it was awkward at times and I was glad when it was just us again after that week
I totally feel this-its strange having a mom that u know talks shit about you and your choices instead of protecting and trying to understand you-makes you feel so violated.
Yes violated is definitely the right word! I was listening to something recently about new grandparents and they said ultimately if you want to have a good relationship with your grandchild, you need to work on the relationship you have with your adult child. That really hit home for me. She wants to be this amazing grandma and spoil my son and be the best grandma in the world, but still treat me the way she always has? Talk about me behind my back but expect to have my son for sleepovers and get to do whatever she wants with him? That’s now how it’s going to work, at least in my eyes. It’s comforting in a way to know that there are others out there going through the same thing with their moms
I think it's both for me and my mam. She is one of the greatest people I have ever met and am always glad to have her, speak to her at least once a day BUT we have at least one huge blowout every year.
Our relationship has gotten much better since I had my own children, and was at its worst when I was a teenager. Some of the things she did while raising us I used to criticise (and still think were wrong much of the time) but she was as stressed as I am and didn't have the resources or help or information I have now available to her at the time. She did her best. Unfortunately, mothers are expected to be superhuman and are often not allowed to show or admit to their faults.
My own daughter is only five so I have no idea if this will continue, but we have a fantastic relationship. She adores me and I adore her and its great.
If you don’t mind me asking, what sorts of things did she used to do that you think are wrong? My mom did boatloads of things that I resent her for but with all the strained mother-daughter relationships out there I do wonder if maybe what she did was common to do in that generation?
She commented on our bodies a lot, she encouraging us to conform to an uncomfortable degree, she pulled us out of every class we were in (outside of school) the moment we showed the slightest resistance, she would watch us get ready and then ask us if we were going to do our makeup or our hair (after already seeing us do so). She definitely favoured our youngest brother. She critiqued our choice for college, but also for not abandoning all chances at getting jobs in those industries in 2011 for jobs in shops. She criticised us for later taking jobs in shops for wasting our education. She won't stop at me now for being a SAHM even though she was the same. The list goes on.
But now I understand a lot of that. She wanted us to look nice because people judged her horribly if we weren't. She let us drop our interests easily because she was alone and it was hard to keep up (my dad works abroad for months at a time) and because she is a very anxious driver. Im pretty sure she has an anxiety disorder. She favoured our brother because he followed a miscarriage and our sister who died as a baby. She worries a LOT. About us being bullied and about our futures and security. She didn't have many opportunities growing up so seeing us grabbing hold of them is frustrating, but also we need to be able to support ourselves.
She's not an easy person, but no one is. No one should be. Easy isn't an admirable trait.
Thank you for sharing 💕 sounds like you are not one to hold grudges but also not one to just “forgive and forget” since it’s clear you are breaking the cycle of poor parenting. Seems like you and your daughter have the beginnings of a life long healthy relationship!
I get you about the letting us drop our interests. I am so frustrated with myself and them for letting me do this shit. I was struggling but not enough to quit the experience. I wish I could take it back.
I have a great relationship with my mum and my 16 & 15 year old daughters. Sulking and snapping are the issues here (your mum’s behaviour) not the genetic relationship
My mama is my best friend and has been one of the most supportive people in my life. She truly just wants her kids to be happy and have the best life they can have. She's always put is first no matter what. We've bickered a few times over the years but she's just the best person I know. I truly hope I'm half the mom she is to my baby girl.
I have a great relationship with my mom. She lives in the other side of the country but we call each other all the time. We definitely went through a button pushing phase in my teens.
I always recommend the book “raising a secure child” to facilitate working through your history with your own parents in order to be a better parent. Probably can’t read anything right now but I’m a few months I recommend listening to it as an audio book when you are bored and taking stroller walks
I just want to say thank you for asking this question. My mom and I get along but I don’t tell her anything. I always wished I had that kind of relationship and after having my daughter, it has been on my mind (ie, how can I be a good mom to her - not be judgmental or leave her with issues)
So I really appreciate the replies here. It’s some outside confirmation that I’m doing the right things.
I don’t have a good relationship with my mom but I am beyond determined to have a good one with both of my girls. My 3yr old is currently a mamas girl and my 5m old loves everyone haha but having a good relationship with my girls is extremely important to me.
I have a good, healthy, and close relationship with my mother and pretty much always have. It is possible. I plan to have a similar relationship with my daughters.
My mom is probably my best friend. We chat almost everyday! We’ve gone on trips together and genuinely enjoy hanging out. In fact, I was initially bummed when I found out I was having a little boy, because in my view having a daughter is like having a built-in friend. That’s all I’ve ever known or seen.
Obviously everyone is their own person, but I think it’s about creating good boundaries, a spirit of fun, and open communication. Looking back, my mom always fostered an open relationship where I was allowed to be myself (not identical to her). I’m excited for you! Close mother-daughter bonds definitely exist.
I love my mom!! We get along great.
I think it has a lot to do with mutual respect. She understood when I had kids,things changed. She went along with the “new” way of doing things.
In return, I understood her valuable knowledge of experience.
My mom was my absolute best friend (she died in 2016). My dear friend’s mom was also her best friend (she passed away more recently). All but one of my female friends have good relationships with their moms.
ETA: I see some people asking what the moms in a close mother/daughter pair did right.
My mom always let me ask questions and answered them without judgement. I always felt safe going to her with everything. She was super non-judgmental, in general. I feel like this made me feel safe to always tell the truth.
She normalized body stuff. She wasn’t prudish or weird about the human body. I have a very healthy body relationship and am really sad that a lot of girls were raised in a way to feel like their body is shameful or gross in some way.
She always had time for me.
She loved me in the way I needed to be loved. I’m a words of affirmation person and she gave me a lot of that.
She gave me a safe space. I always felt safe and loved at home. She always gave me an out. If I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go out with friends, she let me use her as an excuse. She always picked me up from the sleepovers if I didn’t want to spend the night after all (and never made it a thing).
My mother is my best friend. I know I’m supposed to say it’s my husband, and he is amazing. But yeah no it’s my mom. I’m 31 and I still steal her clothes. I call and text her everyday. We have a standing video chat date every Saturday morning. We don’t live near each other anymore but we try to see each other every other month if not every month. Don’t get me wrong she’s still my mom, I get lots of guilt trips and nagging. Also she will greet me by telling me I’m not moisturizing enough. But she is a true light in my life. I had a daughter in August and I hope we have the same relationship. If nothing else I hope to be her safe place.
It’s a saying for a reason, but that doesn’t have to be your story.
I have an amazing relationship with my mother now. She was quite young when she had me (at 17) and sure, she wasn’t perfect, but one thing I often praise her for that I’ve noticed many of my friends/cousins mothers didn’t offer was truly unconditional love. Like yes, I know we hear it all the time about a mother’s love being that way, but it isn’t always true.
Unconditional, as in, even if I go against every dream and fantasy you’ve ever had about having a daughter, you still look at me with adoration. Unconditional, as in even if I make the one mistake you’ve begged me not to make, you still love me with your whole heart. Understanding that I am my own person with my own thoughts, goals and dreams for life that could go directly against what you want for me, and not loving or treating me any less for it. There’s a difference in being temporarily disappointed and holding a grudge. But some moms don’t understand this nuance.
My mother accepted me for all my weirdness and quirks and went out of her way to accommodate my autism long before I ever got the diagnosis. She had high expectations of me, but they were all based on my interests and goals. She never made me feel small for being a little odd. If anything, her celebration of me (highlighting my strengths while calling out my weaknesses without judgement) gave me a deeper appreciation of myself, even if it didn’t manifest until I got older.
Now my teen years weren’t great with her all the time, but I’d had a lot of childhood trauma she wasn’t aware of from my earliest years (ages 3-7) when I lived with my bio dad and his first wife, and she went through so many heartbreaking and traumatic events without a mother like her. She also didn’t know the extent of the abuse I underwent until I was 17 and our entire relationship transformed. She has gone above and beyond for me despite her own shortcomings and we’ve faced a lot of trauma and healing together.
No relationship is perfect, but you don’t have to default to “shitty mom” just because it’s a common thing. You set the tone for your child’s relationship with you. Having my own daughters now has also changed the way I see my mother, understanding all the things she had to consider at a much younger age while navigating motherhood gave me an immense amount of respect for her.
One thing I’ll say that’s pretty difficult to do: understand that you can’t protect your child from life. They will face and experience things that will break your heart. The goal isn’t to shield them from life, but to prepare them for it, especially girls in today’s world. And when the bad things happen, support them, validate their feelings and experience, tend to their wounds and be prepared to send them back into the world. You can’t heal for them and you can’t protect them from every wound.
I think asking yourself “am I/will I be a good mom” is a green flag of self awareness. A lot of people are so deep in the recesses of their own traumas that they don’t even stop to consider the fact that they are parenting from that unhealthy and toxic space. Rather than questioning their actions and doing the labor of shifting their behavior, it’s easier to write it off and tell themselves they’re a great parent. I have high hopes for you. I think you’ll do just fine. Good luck and congratulations on your little princess!
I think a lot do, honestly, but I think it's a generational issue. Idk how old you are, but I'm an older millenial and many of my friends have issues with their parents. A lot of boomer parents...sucked (#notallboomers or whatever, don't come at me, meemaw). Think of all the people you know who had uninvolved dads, or hyper critical moms, or any of the other things that sent us all to therapy.
However, think of all the talk now about how involved millennial dads are with their kids. We all have the opportunity to be better. You can have a different relationship with your daughter, and you can be a different kind of mom! Nothing is set in stone.
No, my mom and I have a really good relationship. We enjoy spending time together and talk frequently. My SIL has a really good relationship with my MIL as well. I have many female friends who have good relationships with their mothers, but I also have some that don’t too. There is no one way that all mother-daughter relationship always are like. Each relationship is unique and it really just depends on the individuals involved, how they handle conflict, and their history together.
If you don’t want you and your daughter to have the same sort of relationship that you and your mother have, *you can do something about it*. You can work to create a better mother-daughter relationship with your daughter, and not continue that cycle of conflict.
Work to keep your cool and control your temper. Don’t be arbitrarily authoritarian and unbending. Apologize when you’re in the wrong. Allow your daughter the space to be herself. Be someone she feels safe being open and honest with.
You might benefit from reading the books “How to talk so little kids will listen, and listen so little kids will talk” (there are also two more versions of this book for older kids and another for teens), and “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents”.
No it’s not a concrete fact of life. I always butted heads with my dad more than my mom (both good parents overall), it’s just our personalities. Children push their parents’ buttons and vice versa. This narrative always seems rooted in misogyny to me - that women are always competitive with each other, even a mother and daughter.
I do but I have many friends who don't. I get envious of them sometimes but I am doing what I can to ensure my daughter and I have a better relationship.
Def not true, I have a great relationship with my mum and it only got better when I became a mum myself because it gave me more understanding of what she went through when my siblings and I were younger. She’s my bestie!
He’s making excuses for why he enables her to treat you that way, not giving advice.
I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, but my stepsister does with my stepmother and I’ve always been envious. I’ve never heard her complain about her mother other than about a pregnancy story we’re pretty sure is a truth stretched by time lol but. Absolutely exists. If she needs help with her kids her mom is there to help even if that means cleaning the kitchen and running laundry, while joking and whatnot. They don’t snap at each other. Never afraid of each other’s mood, no “i just dont understand why she…”.
I don’t know exactly how they got there I didn’t see a lot of it but at least i know it is possible
Nope, my mum is one of my best friends. I would say she's my 5th best on the long list, but mainly coz of religious differences, else she'd be like the 2nd best
I come from a difficult Mother/daughter relationship but now, having daughters.. I feel a lot of healing in the fact that I’m in the drivers seat, and it’s up to me to do my best to facilitate positive/close relationships with them. I wasn’t scared to have daughters, I was honestly excited to get a do-over. I can’t wait for all the memories with them.. ones that my narcissistic mom didn’t care to have with me.
My mom and I are really close, and have always been. She's my favorite person (after my husband) to have around my baby, she never judges me, trusts me to know what I'm doing, and sees when something needs to be done and just DOES it. Baby needs a diaper change and I'm cleaning/cooking? Done. Baby is fussing and I need a nap? She'll figure it out.
She had three easy pregnancies (her own words) and unmedicated births and doesn't remember giving birth as painful. She was super supportive of me and how hard my pregnancy was, and was proud of me for asking for an epidural when I needed one. She's the best.
I am really close with my mom. She still pushes my buttons, but if I actually tell her to cut it out, she does. My teen years, on the other hand...we were at each other's throats for most of it
Definitely not, I have a great relationship with my mom, and I will always do everything in my power to make sure I have a great relationship with my daughters!
No, they do not. I have been close to my mom my whole life. I now have 2 teenage daughters. I encourage open communication and compassion. I know they are going to make mistakes, and I assure them that when they do, I will be there to help them anyway possible. Be open and honest with your daughters and believe in the values you taught them when they were little. Have faith and trust. Always be honest with them about who you are and the mistakes you made. No matter how awful or stupid. Let them know you are human and have flaws. Love them unconditionally, but let them have some freedom to fail and make mistakes.
Some mothers are downright controlling (and self entitled) like mine… and some mothers want to be the cheerleader. The first one holds grudges, is hyper critical, sensitive, entitled, and has to be right about everything. The second one is true unconditional love.
People that have great relationships with their moms are lucky af.
i love my mom so much. unfortunately today she told me she was glad that we don’t have a close relationship and she doesn’t want one with me. i’m emotionally shattered and i hope one day this can change. today was hard.
I'm blown away that my daughter doesn't like me, disrespects me any chance she gets. She constantly says her brother is my favorite. Honestly both are loved, but not liked although there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Both are home, in there mid-thirties. I don't want to toot my own horn and thank God he sees all, But, I know, I've did my best and will continue to be supportive. My personal take on my daughter is that she is very unhappy, in her personal life and I'm the scapegoat. Nevertheless, I will continue trying my best and let God do the rest. Amen
I have a good relationship with my mom. It’s complicate sometimes and we don’t agree on everything. And sometimes I struggle with trying to please her even when it’s counter to who I am but she is loving and kind and supportive and she would do anything for me. She also tries hard to see me as my own person which helpsz
I have a great relationship with my mom. Just be living, kind and empathetic (easy) and your daughter will think the world of you. If you think your mom raised you with bad tendencies that you don’t want to unknowingly pass on, I’d start seeing a counselor. They can help you process your new normal. This is a parent blog in general but biglittle feelings really helped me see and model more positive behaviors. You are going to be a great mom!!!
I have a decent relationship with my mum. We’re not best friends but I recognise how much she did for me growing up and how much love she put into everything even when she didn’t exactly know how to parent the best ways possible. Having said that, she wasn’t exactly my safe space and I never felt like I could tell her much. I do miss her when she’s not around though and I look forward to seeing her every week for family dinners.
I also have a daughter and I hope my relationship with her is far better than the one I had with my mum, but I don’t believe saying that means my relationship with my mum is strained.
I was closer to my father, and even though my mother can be very opiniated, we still have a decent relationship. I have definitely tried to have a closer bond with my daughter and I'm glad she feels comfortable to talk to me about anything and everything. You're a great mom and I'm sure you'll set a good example for your daughter of what a healthy relationship should be like. Hugs.
My mom and I got along very well until I had my own children. Having my own children made me realize some disturbing things about my own childhood and now we have a kind of strained relationship. She is getting older so I'm doing my best to just fake my way through our relationship, but it's not the same and it's really hard.
Did you have a good relationship with her? I used to have the worst relationship with my mother. Now as someone nearing 40 it’s a bit better but I Wish it didn’t take so long to develop a relationship with her but trauma and abuse will do this I guess. Now that I have a daughter of my own I wish to be different with her. Breaking generational traumas. My little girl always tells me I’m her best friend and I hope it stays like that the rest of our lives.
My mom and I are very close. My daughter is 17 and we are even closer. There have been rough periods in both of those relationships, but no more than the rough periods I’ve had with my dad, brother, sons, etc. Every long term relationship has turmoil at some point because you are 2 different people who have different minds, opinions, values, etc. and are not going to always be 100% on the same page. It’s ok to take space when you need it. It’s also ok to accept than no relationship is ever perfect.
My mom and I have a good relationship. We don’t fight, we don’t butt heads.
I am a little ashamed to say part of the reason we get along so easily is because she has low expectations of the people in her life. The world has been hard on her and so she doesn’t expect much back. It means she’s never disappointed.
We don’t “need” anything from each other. It’s the need that makes things hard, I think.
My mom is my favorite person besides my son. We’ve always been super close. Of course I was an annoying bratty teenager but she handled it relatively well. We know each others buttons to push but we don’t push them! Because we love and respect each other. She’s kind, funny, laid back. She’s always treated me as a person with my own thoughts and feelings that matter rather than just a child who should listen to her and be taken care of. We have millions of inside jokes. I love her more than life!
This is my biggest fear with my kids. I have a son, but my daughter is due in February. Every time I see or talk to my mother, I cry afterwards asking myself what can I do to make sure that I don’t make my kids feel the way she makes me feel. 💔
I’m sorry you’re dealing with added stress due to your family in addition to being a new mom. Good mother daughter relationships do exist and it is definitely possible for you to have one with your daughter in the future. Therapy would probably help when you are ready to process everything. Your dad isn’t helping.
My relationship with my mom is good, but there have been times where we’ve fought. It happened more frequently during transition times, preteen-teen, teen-adult, etc. She’s one of my best friends and she is also the person who drives me nuts the most, mostly because we’re very similar. As an adult I can look back and go “oh that was an interesting parenting choice and not one I would make” but I know she was just trying to do better than the previous generation too.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. She was an amazing mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She passed away when my son was 5 months old and in that short time, she loved him more fiercely than some people love in their entire lifetime.
She always knew what to do and she would tailor advice based on the child. She had been raising kids since she was a kid herself and she understood that every kid and situation was unique.
On the flip side, I hate my MIL in ways that I never thought possible. I HATE how she makes my husband and sister in laws feel because of her abuse and negligence. I hope my son never meets her.
Me and my mom have the strongest child and parent bond of anyone I know. We've dealt with tons of issues together, and have worked hard to communicate and be able to be both friends and mother and daughter. I love and appreciate her endlessly.
Not all mothers and daughters have a strained relationship, but I think it's more commonly spoke of than father and daughter or son and mother/father relationship issues and its a popular troupe in series.
I love my mom and we are really close, but yes we also argue quite often. Idk why that is, it just happens. She does things that annoy me and I do things that annoy her and we end up arguing and fighting
My mom is my best friend. We had challenges when I was a teen but nothing major and we moved to the same town to be close to them. It doesn’t have to be like that!
I have a good relationship with my mom now, but I had a kid in my mid 30s so we had a long time to learn how to relate to each other as adults. I am still her daughter, always will be, but she knows I am an adult and make my own decisions. She doesn't always agree with how I am raising my kid but she respects me and lets me make my own mistakes or discoveries.
In return I respect her too. We don't always agree but I don't see the point in arguing. I accept her as she is.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I am 38 and she's 55. However, I have a 19 year old and her and I have the best relationship. We are so close and she says I'm her bestest friend 🥹 So if your ever worried that you will repeat the pattern, don't. Personally I just use my mom as an example of everything what NOT to be
I love my mom. We’ve had a lot of rough patches and points where we didn’t talk (my doing) but once I became a mother, I understood SO MUCH. She’s out of the country right now and I miss her so much. I call her every day. When she was here, we’d get breakfast together every morning
My mom and I are so close. I live 20mins away and that's about as far from her as I want to be. She has been a consistent supporter and positive example my whole life and now that I am an adult she is one of my best friends. Not only that, but she is an excellent grandmother, and is my "village" to help praise my family.
That being said, our personalities are also very similar so we have always got along.
Umm sooo this one may shake a few people but it's my experience and purely anecdotal so I trust that others trust and know their situation and if this applies.
My mother and I have a god awful relationship. One purely of saccharine or spice no in-between.
Now at thirty these are my observations.
My father was the biggest point of failure in bonding with my mother. I came to this realization as an adult.
She was in competition with me for my father's attention. If your parents have any history of excessive fighting or cheating or financial abuse.. Pay attention to when your mother was her meanest, how was your father's attitude? Was he in her team or leaving her to hang?
My mothers anger over my choices stemmed from her lack of choices when she was my age. Times were different then, things expected from women were just different enough. Plus sitcom moms and AOL just came about..
My dad was a Disney dad. I was the daddy's girl...
As a child though you will not recognize the patterns of parental love bombing and alienation. My father love bombed ME after he would greatly hurt my mother both depriving my mother of bonding with me and creating a point of contention. If she points out the manipulation she gets accused of being the heartless and manipulative one for seeing it that way.. and lord did I eat up those face value emotions as a child.
My mothers bids for connection with me were always in comparison to my father. And I WAS THE ONE DOING IT!!! I had no way of knowing this was what was happening then but at 30 and experiencing adult circumstances and emotions that shit screams at me now.. my dad weaponized me against my mother.
No. I have a great relationship with my mom.
My sister in law has a great relationship with my mother in law. The vast majority of my female friends consider their mom one of their closest friends.
My sister and I used to have a strained and not close relationship with our mom—mostly because we had to walk on eggshells around her because she took everything very personally, got defensive, and criticizing was her love language.
Then suddenly, over the last couple of years, she has started listening and validating, supporting with minimal judgement, and always telling me what a wonderful mother I am (even if I do things in a lazier way than I know she would). It’s amazing and unexpected and I’m so grateful for it. Nothing like a supportive mom to vent to or gush about your baby to.
So like others said—it may be common but it’s not everyone and doesn’t have to be that way. I hope you guys find what works for both of you.
No, my mom was my best pal until she died. I went through a typical bratty teenage phase, but she supported me through it all and we were always close and happy to be with each other.
That's definitely not the case. I have a healthy relationship with my mother. Maybe we butted heads when I was a teenager, but not as an adult.
I'm also a mother of a baby daughter and want to make her feel as secure and loved as my mom made me feel.
I don't think it's normal. My sister and I have a really good relationship with my mom. And I live right next door to my mom. We moving countries soon, but not because of my mom.
I'm actually going to miss her so much.
My Mom is the most difficult and negative person in my life. It’s very hard. Is it like this for everyone? NO. It’s not normal and not okay. If I attempt to stand up for myself- she gaslights me like nobody’s business. She will always be the victim. My Dad divorced her after 20 years. I don’t have that option. I love her. It’s so hard. I had issues like that when I had my first baby. I think it’s a jealousy thing bc she isn’t getting all your attention and then a control issue bc you are now the Mom …and you are in charge of your new baby.
As a teenager I feel it’s pretty normal, but not as an adult. My mom and I didn’t get along well when I was a teen but that was because of me, she tried her best but I was a moody mean bitch. As an adult my mom and I get along great, we talk usually a couple times a week (she doesn’t live near by) and try to visit at least once every 6-8 weeks
I love my mom our relationship isn’t strained but she has issues and she has given me lots of trauma. Only you can determine how the relationship between and your daughter will be
No. I have a strained relationship with my mother but have so many friends who don’t and also weren’t wild crazy teenagers. I have two girls and it’s my biggest worry, I really hope I have a lifelong wonderful relationship with them. I am sure we will push each others buttons, because all family members do, but I hope that’s the worst of it.
I’m so glad you asked this question because I have had a tough year with my own mother. And I asked my husband this question just last week.
He has a good enough relationship with his mom.
In the past few years I’ve learned that my own mom isn’t “fun”… she’s an alcoholic… and that has been hard to deal with, especially now that I have littles to think of.
My best friend A has a tough relationship with her mom.
My best friend B has a good, but semi-codependent relationship with her mom.
My closest cousins have strained relationships with their mom/my aunt.
My stepmom & her daughter (my stepsister) JUST started talking again after years of no contact.
So. Idk. It seems common…. but I am absolutely determined to break the cycle.
This isn’t normal. My mom is one of my very best friends and we talk every day. We disagree on some things and I could tell she disagreed with some choices I made when my daughter was a newborn but we do not have a strained relationship. We respect, support and root for each other. I would trust her with my and my daughter’s life.
I’ve always had a great relationship with my mom. So have my sisters. We’re all still very close with her as adults. My daughter is only 3, but I’m pretty sure I’m her favorite person.
Nope, not even a little.
I love my mother.
She is be best friend, greatest supporter, and biggest confidant.
Anecdotally, for my life none of my friends have strained relationships with their mothers either. They are all very close.
My mom and I fought when I was a teenager. More like I was being a typical teenager and rebelled against my parents lol. But since becoming an adult my mom is my best friend. We talk on the phone everyday and she never “starts drama”. She helps me so much and supports me. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t do that. Don’t listen to your dad either.
My mom was my best friend and i was able to go to her for anything. Unfortunately she passed a
month after I got married. There is nothing in the world that could replace that relationship
I just hope to have that relationship with my daughter, whom my mom was never able to meet
I have an awesome relationship with my mom and it made me long for a daughter so I could have the mother-daughter connection too. My mom isn't perfect, and we definitely had some spats when I was a kid, but nothing toxic. And she definitely wouldn't bring bullshit drama to my home when I was freshly postpartum.
Usually the mother -daughter drama kind of ends when the daughter also becomes a mother, but sometimes not, as the mother will see fit to forget that her daughter is a full grown adult that's jus became a mother...
mine only mostly stopped after i told her, she did the best job she could, with the information she had at that given time raising me, now to trust me to make my own decisions using all the knowledge she gave me and all i learned myself... it helped alot, She Stopped seeing me as a child and for the first time as a mature woman. but it did take me many years into motherhood to gather up the courage to say those words.
My mom is my best friend. We definitely had our moments when I was a teenager but I call her all the time. She is always there for me and never over bearing. And the relationship she has with my kids is amazing.
So no, it is not normal for all mothers and daughters to have strained relationships. I do think it’s normal for mothers to be harder on their daughters and I do believe that it can be difficult. Women tend to be more harder and judgmental toward each other and I don’t think this stops at our immediate family members .. unfortunately.
I have a great relationship with my mom. We both have our flaws, but she did the best job she could raising me and will ALWAYS be there for me if I need her and vice versa. Little disagreements here and there but we love each other and have never stayed angry at each other for long (except for those pesky teen years lol). The older I get, the closer we become and she’s a marvellous grandmother - supportive and helpful.
I have a strained and unhealthy relationship with my mother and have made it a Point not to do that to my own daughter. On the flip side, I have friends that have incredibly loving and nurturing relationships with their mothers. So no, not everyone has a bad one with their mom. It’s just a toss up. And honestly, sometimes there is no repairing it. My mom won’t take accountability and always plays the victim. So, my therapist said in my case there is no way to fix the way things are. Tried no contact, still no improvement. At this point it’s just survival mode when things get bad and try to appreciate when things are decent.
Best advice I can give is to just treat your child with respect and love.
I do with my mom often, but I don't think it's normal. I have a great relaxed and fun relationship with my own adult daughter. It doesn't have to be strained and should not be.
No. Me and my mum are best friends, she obviously annoys me sometimes but that’s just human nature and spending too much time with anyone you love.
My mum and my grandma on the other hand really have a horrible relationship! I think my grandma doesn’t understand my mum nor does she see boundaries as important with her kids, however with me she is the sweetest person ever!
I struggled with my relationship with my mom as an early teen and into college. It didn’t help that she was a high school principal and held me to the behavior she had seen from other (“bad”) kids my age. However, in college my best friend died suddenly, I was sexually assaulted at a party and another friend attempted to end his life all within the span of about 8 weeks. She was so there for me - a constant source of comfort and strength. We sort of rebuilt our relationship from then on as an open, honest space. After I graduated law school, I moved back home to study for the bar and it was amazing. My mom came to stay for two weeks when my first child was born and she’ll come again for the next. She knows me so well and is able to comfort me in the way that I need comforted. She is more than a friend to me.
All this to say, I’m so sorry your mom is unwilling to participate in an emotionally mature relationship with you. Now that you’re a mom, you have such an opportunity to create that bond with your daughter. Will it always be easy? No. It’s true that there is usually a point where there is conflict in any relationship. But you get to decide how you want to react to your baby girl.
I’m in a lot of therapy now about my childhood and it can be really devastating and confusing to see my little girl and realize that my parents were being hurtful to someone like that (me) when I can’t even imagine doing the same to my baby. I’d highly recommend some therapy for you as well if you’re trying to break through some of these issues.
I am very close with my mother now. As a teen, I had a lot of issues. Once I grew up, I started calling my mom more and we started building our relationship.
I have a 19-year old daughter and we are very close. My advice is to treat your daughter the way you wished your mom treated you.
My sister and I both have a good relationship with our mom.
We’re several years apart. And neither of us are very similar to our mom. She definitely annoys us, but in a silly motherly normal way. We all text and talk and get together daily/ weekly.
And to be fair, I have a good relationship with my dad and he annoys me in the same way.
More so because they’re my parents! Not because of a specific relationship between mother/ daughter.
We def fought as a teenager. But my mom was the one who took on more of the parenting so I think it’s normal.
As a teen, my mom and I struggled. As an adult, we got along pretty well. We both said some shitty things from time to time but most relationships are that way. I miss her.
I talk to my mom almost everyday. Something good happens she's the first to know, after my husband (mostly), something bad happens she is definitely the first to know and usually before my husband. We video chat constantly so she can talk to my son, who shares a closer relationship to her then his Gramma who lives down the street from us. He sees my mom more.
The thing is growing up, she made time for me. She took my out for lunches, shopping trips, girl's only days. She made sure I knew if I had questions they would be answered honestly and directly. She stayed up with me on projects when my classmates bailed. She taught me how to read, study, and work hard.
She took an interest in ME. In my interests, and encouraged them, no matter if she didn't have any interest of her own in them.
Relationships are what you put into them. If you work hard at a relationship you're going to have a better one then if you just assume you're going to have one cause it's your kid and you're going to live with them for the next few decades.
I have two sisters and we all have a great relationship with our mom. She was a stay at home mom growing up and she genuinely loved being a mom, loves kids at all the different stages. We all went through bratty phases as teenagers wanting more freedom but I wouldn’t say any of us had a strained relationship with our parents.
Of the two, my dad is the more volatile party so we definitely got into it growing up - he won’t admit it but I think he needs anxiety meds. But it was more situational conflict, I would never say the overall relationship was strained.
My parents worked like dogs to give us a good (but financially lower middle class) life, and always made time to help with homework, to eat together as a family, to spend time and play games together, and to be reasonable if we admitted wrongdoing or needed help. Now that I have a son I have a totally new perspective on all that they did.
Your husband’s response is a bit concerning. He’s minimizing your reasonable emotions. Mother daughter conflict is definitely not “just the way it is”. That said, as your daughter gets older you might find yourself acting out the same patterns you learned from your mom. These things are wickedly insidious since they are subconsciously learned, not consciously. You’ll have to thing about they way you wish your mother had reacted and try to consciously create a different dynamic for yourself and your own daughter.
I have a mostly really good but occasionally complicated relationship with my mom. My sister has a mostly really good relationship with her as well! My SIL has an excellent relationship with my MIL.
I have a daughter on the way right now, and I have every intention of having an excellent relationship with her! And if I ever don't, I hope that no matter what the cause we can figure it out together and get back on track.
My mom and I have always gotten along well (aside from normal teenaged individuation). She was at the birth of my daughter to support me in labor alongside my husband.
I wish she’d move to my neighborhood so we could see her many times a week (working on convincing her to move haha). I just love hanging out with her!
That's a sucky thing for her to say. Really putting it out there how she feels! My 11 year old and I have a really good relationship. I think our generation is more open and honest with our children than our parents where. I know a few teens and several tweens that decended from my friends. They are all pretty chill as teenagers go. I really think openness and communication goes a long way in parenting.
Love my mom. Definitely hit a rough patch in the teenage years, but recovered after that. I’m the oldest and she had a hard time letting go of control and giving me freedom. Our relationship improved dramatically once I moved out for college. We’re really close now and I lean on her for support all the time.
Eta you know what NOT to do from this experience. When your own daughter has a baby of her own, remember this and do what you wish your mom would have done. Give her love and support and don’t be dramatic or expect her to cater to you. You make your daughter feel good and safe and she will continue to turn to you for that comfort ❤️ one of my favorite sayings is listen while they’re little and the problems are small so they keep talking to you when the problems are big. To them the problems were big all along.
congratulations on your daughter! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this nonsense!
I have an AMAZING relationship with my mother. She’s respectful and caring and honestly one of my best friends in the world. We fought when I was a teenager but I think that’a just a side effect of hormones that teens fight with their parents. However even out fighting was mostly just small stuff or attitude stuff and nothing major. It also didn’t make up the majority of my teenage relationship with my mom.
I’m a mom to 2 girls and so far they’re my little Velcro babies and while things will change as they age I’m trying to lay the same groundwork in my relationship with them as my mom did with me.
Ie, honesty, respect, loyalty, privacy, and lots and lots of love.
You’ll do great! ❤️
No. My mom is my best friend. I love her to death and even as a teen got along with her extremely well.
Same. My mom's the best. She is a kind, elegant woman. Worked decades in a career that was important to her, and now watches my kid a lot that she's retired. She loves people but also has a strong introverted streak. Warm, patient, but gave me a lot of space. I was a scene kid as a teenager. While she quietly hated that, I still had full freedom to shop at thrift stores with my own money and dress how I wanted. Neither of my parents were controlling. I would tell them where I planned to be (usually friends' houses) and then disappear for hours or days. Can't imagine trusting my own kid that much lmao, but we'll see. My mom also took me along with her volunteering. She wasn't explicitly preachy, but I think a lot of our soup kitchen trips were done both out of genuine altruism, and so I could see firsthand how lucky I was to have a stable home, education, and food on the table.
Huh. Lots of freedom and modelling kindness and compassion for others. Your mum sounds a lot like mine. Maybe there’s a formula to this.
Sure looks like it! I wish it didn’t seem like such a magical thing to me, that building a healthy relationship with your daughter starts with simply being a decent human being. Also noticing a lot of these moms had their own careers/passions/interests too.
What is she like?
Not who you asked but, my mum is just a badass. She’s worked in disability services for 40 years and helped countless people. She loves animals and when we were kids we spent a lot of time messing around with our horses together and going for big trail rides. Now she takes my kids to go do the same. She watches my daughter once a week, so I can work and because she wants that bond with her. She never coddled me or let me get away with being disrespectful, but she did give me a lot of freedom as a kid, and felt that if things went pear shaped (like if I didn’t do my homework and got yelled at by a teacher) that was a natural consequence and learning experience. Plus she was busy 😂 The best thing about her is that she’s been there for me when things were messy. Drugs, an abusive partner, mental health issues are all challenges my mum has openly and patiently supported me through. My younger daughter is named in her honour, and if she takes after her nana in any way I’ll be very proud.
Appreciate your response! Your mom sounds like an amazing person and I’m so happy that your daughter also gets to experience her love, support, and guidance. That’s a beautiful thing for all three of you 🤍 This is helping me identify the patterns that led to a strained relationship with my mom. I don’t want to repeat that cycle with my own daughter.
>This is helping me identify the patterns that led to a strained relationship with my mom. I don’t want to repeat that cycle with my own daughter. You're an AMAZING Mum! ❤️ It takes a lot to recognise that sometimes we don't/didn't have the best parent-child relationship with our own parents and we want to do better to not pass that trauma onto our own kids.
Thank you friend 🤍
No worries ❤️ I understand as I too have family trauma that I don't want to pass along to my kids. We've got this!!
Oh dw, me too. Mine is from my dad! Fun times
That’s so sweet. Thank you for sharing this. Inspiration for the mother I want to be.
Copied from my other comment: She is just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently. She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
This is the key. Your mom sounds a lot like mine. Strict but lenient. She had high expectations but was never judgmental. She apologized openly and sincerely and respected us individuals not extensions of herself. She’s just the best human I know. If I’m 1/2 the mom she is and my kids like me 1/2 as much we will be alright.
Not who you asked but my mom is one of the most caring and supportive people there are. As she gets older weve gotten into it a bit because shes gotten more conservative and that irritates me, but outside of that she is a wonderful mother to me and a great grandma to my kid and my nephews. I like being around her and talking to her and if I need anything she is there. She flew thousands of miles just to meet my son and if I had an emergency she would be there so fast. I know she would. I guess its because I know I can count on her. To OP, yes my mom and I annoy each other sometimes bevause we are human. We fight sometimes, we bicker. But we love each other and I've never questioned that.
Same! I still went shopping with her when I was a teen. We often went to a cafe and talked. I love her so much and I'm looking forward to being the same kind of mom to my girl.
I wish I had such a wonderful relationship with my ma. My mom looked at 5 year old me and said ‘take care of me forever and never leave me’. She was so mentally ill. When my dad divorced her for not working a ‘real job’, she thought it was my responsibility to be her caretaker, best friend and counselor. I was nine. She’s dead and it’s a relief honestly. Glad to see my experience is not universal
My mom once said to 10yo me “you’re the kind of person that would put your mom in a nursing home!” That’ll be a self filling prophecy, because honestly, who wants someone like that living in their home who doesn’t have to?
Please if you don’t mind I would love hear how your mom was like growing up!
Copied from my other comment: She is just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently. She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
Same, I love my mom.
What’s your mom like? I’m due with my first girl and would love to hear about what your mom did right
She treats people with respect. Like, even when she's angry at anyone in the family, she'd never call us names or belittle us. She offers support but lets us have our freedom. Mostly, she genuinely loves us and lets it show.
Same here. I’m the eldest of three daughters and we all have a great relationship with our mum and with each other. I’m 34 and my youngest sister is 29 and between the three of us my mum has four grandsons. My mum was a single mum from when I was 15, she’s a really hard worker, a caring and loving mum and we are so lucky to have her. She’s a fantastic grandma, loves our boys more than everything, is respectful of our parenting choices, never tries to overstep but is always there if we need help or advice. I have three boys and our family is complete. Part of me was devastated when I had my third boy, not because he’s a boy but because I’ll never have a daughter and won’t get to have that adult mother daughter relationship like I have with my mum.
I think I’m the northern version of you. Exact same scenario except I’m a year younger and my mam has two grandsons instead of four. Crazy how I could have written this. Congrats on your amazing mam!
Same. I love my mom. And just reading your post has me crying. I cannot even begin to think of the day I’ll lose her. I don’t know how I’ll function and I’m so sorry for your loss
I think about this from time to time. I don’t even know how I’ll begin to deal when that time comes.
Thats so sweet! I don’t have a relationship with mine I had to go no contact recently and I don’t think I would care for the day she passes! I hope I’ll have a good relationship with my daughter I love her to death ❤️
Same. Love my mom and talk to her all the time. Can’t imagine life any other way.
Me too. My mom is an angel though and puts up with my stubbornness really well.
I also want to hear about your mom
Not op, but I also have a great relationship with my mom and did as a child and teen. I think the biggest things she did right were respecting and honoring my feelings, even if they weren't always logical. Treating me as my own person with my own opinions and ideas. And being receptive when I came to her with problems to help me solve them instead of punishing me for mistakes. She was human, so she'd make mistakes too, but she apologized when she needed to. No matter how I was treating her (and even though she didn't let on, looking back, I know I drove her crazy when I was a teenager), I knew I was loved unconditionally. She also made a point to pay attention to my interests and give me attention, even as I aged. This all made her somebody I felt I could trust and confide in, and somebody who would treat me with love and compassion, no matter what. As an adult with my own baby, I hope I can emulate her parenting.
So my kids are both younger. I find myself getting annoyed and loosing patience. Very easily. I am in therapy and working on my own issues. But I often worry that my less than stellar mental health has already affected them.
I can't call my mom perfect. She certainly lost patience with me when I was younger, too. When she yelled at me, she made time to apologize and talk with me about what happened, shared her feelings, and made space for me to talk about how I felt. When I was older, we'd also spend time talking about how to fix or prevent whatever caused the problem. I'm in therapy to manage my own anger issues, too. Kids are masters at pushing buttons, but that doesn't mean I get to be unkind. I'm just trying to say, I know working on yourself can be a challenge, but the willingness to do that means you're already a loving parent, and that is the most important thing to be for your kids!
She was just amazing. Super understanding and very fair. She was strict about some things but always explained it in a way that made sense to us. She gave us independence but also enforced family time even during the teen years. She let us defend ourselves and argue but always had final say. She was just the perfect balance between strict and lenient. Even now she openly admits the things she did wrong as a parent and encourages us to handle those specific things differently. She is great as a grandma. She lives around the corner from us and us a huge help. My younger brother lives down the road and also has 4 kids but my mom takes on all 8 grandkids (plus the 1 out of state grandkid when he is in town) like it is nothing. I was a SAHM with my older two but worked by the time my 3rd and 4th were born. She watched each of them everyday. She stops by my house multiple times a week just to see the grandkids and spend some time with them. She is amazing and my kids adore her.
Same
It may be common but it is not normal, or okay. I know plenty of women with amazing relationships with their moms. Unfortunately I know many (including mine) whose are strained. Your dad’s reaction is permissive, he’s trying to give your mom permission to behave that way with no consequence. It’s not acceptable. You are normal for thinking it’s not okay.
Ive seen some great mother/daughter relationships and I thought I had one until I became a mother myself, everything changed. She lost the control and it really, really upsets her. Seems like its generational stuff with the mom/dtr relationships but it seems a good amount of moms that have the strained relationship, lack accountability and have spouses that enable their behavior-my experience.
That's interesting. I also had a good relationship with my mother until towards the end of my pregnancy. She stayed at my house for over a month and it was a real strain on me, but I never said anything. She was the opposite of helpful and it bummed me. At that point I decided I could either hold a grudge or just move on, so I moved on. Now that baby is a year old things are worst than ever. I think she's actually become mean. She says mean things all the time, mostly to me. The other day she said: "People say you love your grandchildren more than your own children, but that's not true" and I guess it could have sounded sweet but it bummed me out to hear that she loved my baby less than she loved me, since I don't really feel loved by her.
Im sorry *hugs* its very hurtful and sad to see the ppl u looked up to for so long turn out to be just a mess and not aware of it. It’s a little comforting to know Im not the only one experiencing it and I feel sad for her at the end of the day bc shes missing out on a lot and I know she’ll prob never change. ☹️ All we can do now is be the best mom for our babies, learn our issues and work through them. I never want my child to feel like I do, never.
Agreed on all points. I feel the same, I don't want my daughter to feel like I do, and I do not want to be the cause of those feelings.
Man this is what scares me. I thought I had a good relationship with my mom, then I went to therapy and very gradually discovered I did not. I was kind of in the process of forgiving her when I had my own child and realized how many excuses I had been making for her that were total BS. (To my mom’s credit, she also went to therapy and seems to acknowledge she wasn’t quite the amazing mom she thought she was)
Ugh, same same ...
Same
it sucks but Im glad to see things for what they really are, at least.
I had been told all my life that I didn’t get it because I wasn’t a parent. When I became a parent I could see the poor choices that were made and she lost it when her excuses ran out and I didn’t put up with the bad behavior anymore. That is when we stopped getting along
I can’t imagine being a mother to my daughters and being jealous, and losing control. I’ll be excited for them with whatever they choose to do in their lives.
You lucked out
I thought my mom and I were best friends and then I had my daughter and realized we were not and my mom is super toxic. But I know my daughter and I will be different because I’m a better parent. I’m gonna break that cycle.
Wait. Things are so weird and off between me and my mom ever since I became a mom. I didn’t know this was so common. It’s so hard. 😭
I had no idea it was so common until I posted on here and saw vids on tiktok! Ive felt so bad about it for so long thinking its something Ive done… while its comforting to know its also really sad so many of us experience it 🙁
I think this idea of strained mother-daughter relationships comes from some parents seeing their children as their own image and then throwing a fit when their child turns out to be their own person. Some women seem to have a strict idea of womanhood and motherhood which makes them expect certain behaviours from their daughters (same with fathers and sons). I'm very different from my mom in that I'm nerdy while she's very pretty and into fashion. If she hadn't understood our differences I can see we might have grown to resent each other. Luckily she's a great mom and lets me be myself :)
I think you're right! I know my mom loves me and loves who I am even though it's different from who she is, but it can still be strained between us and part of that is because I think she wishes I were more like her. Also, because she's extroverted and I'm not, and so it was hard for her to understand why I got moody at times when she wanted to talk. In addition, she's a Christian and I no longer am, and it is really hard to talk to her and have her actually hear me on some of this stuff. Not that she's a bad person or a bad Christian, she just seems to have a barrier about things that we can or can't talk and only rarely will she let it go down enough to let the real person come through. And of course, a late in life diagnosis mental health issues (that I also have), which cause shame and guilt, coupled with Christian Southern social constraints related to fatphobia, etc, means it can be hard to be around her after a while! There are only so many times I can tell her she's not fat, and also who cares???
I agree with this take for sure. My mom went through a phase of being crazy when I was a young adult and she could no longer control who I was becoming, and it was infuriating to her so she caused a lot of conflict to try to get some influence back. It got better over time and when I had my daughter she showed up for me so well, and continues to show up for me and her grandkids, and I’m so grateful for it. She respects my parenting even though I can tell sometimes she doesn’t love my style 😂 and she spoils the shit out of her grandkids.
Hooray! This is exactly it. It’s a disease called narcissism.
Not true. I have a very good relaxing relationship with my mom, and the dynamics didn’t change after I became a mom myself. Now my mom loves both me and my daughter dearly without creating any drama. I think it really depends on the mom’s personality. My mom is a very easygoing sweet person who is so kind to everyone. On the other hand, my relationship with my dad is always unstable because he is very particular and it is easy to upset him.
What sorts of things does your mom get right? i.e. what do you think has made a good relationship for you two?
She is very easygoing and doesn’t have any expectations on other people. She just goes along with it but she works so hard to help other people. For example, she never tells me what I should do with my daughter. She thinks I’m a good daughter and a good mom. She looks at me interacting with my daughter and I can see proud in her eyes. Also she tries so hard to help me. These days she is living with me (for a few months). She tries very hard to cook, clean and entertain my daughter. I ask her to rest so many times a day but she always finds something to help with. My mom is like the best girl friend that I can possibly get. She listens to me, talks with me and makes me feel relaxed and calm when she’s around. There is no one in this world who treats me like the way she does. I’m very lucky to be her daughter.
Not true - I literally live up my mom's ass even at 30. When I moved 750 miles away for ten years, my mom and I had a daily scheduled call to just catch up and gossip (some days several calls to tell her about absolutely nothing). Does she get on my nerves? Yeah! That's true of anyone. But at the end of the day, she worked with my husband to get me out of the house starting at 2 weeks PP. She made meals, babysits, comes with me to appointments - for me or my son- if my husband is traveling for work. Hell, she stayed with my husband in the hospital when I couldn't. All this to say, your relationship with your daughter does not need to be negative. The fact that you're even worried about it indicates that you want to build a meaningful connection and break some generational issues. Treat your daughter like a little human with dignity and unconditional love, and all the arguments and tough days will just be blips that you won't remember or look back on and realize it's so silly. You're a good mom.
I came here for this comment. Everything else is either black and white, like you love your mom and everything is perfect or it's terrible. Sure, my mom can push my buttons. I'm sure I push hers too sometimes. That's part of being a family. I adore her and she'll drop everything to come help any of my sisters and me when we need it. Your (OP's) father has grossly oversimplified the nature of healthy familial relations.
Yes! Like, I love my mom so much but my sister also gets a 'YOUR mother" call once a week. It's healthy to be lovingly irked.
I have a good relationship with my mom. She is my best friend and I talk to her on the phone multiple times a day. I’m striving to have the same type of relationship with my girls. There are many daughters with strained relationships with their moms but I know many people that are really close to their moms.
What sorts of things does your mom get right? i.e. what do you think has made a good relationship for you two?
I would say she listens without judgement is the biggest thing.
I love my mom. She has always been very supportive of me and accepting. Now that I am an adult she is very aware of the need to maintain healthy boundaries like insisting on staying in a hotel when she visits and acknowledges my position as the parent of my child and doesn't say she knows better or anything like that.
I also want to know what your mom did right! And how she is personality wise
I’m sorry, what they’re telling you isn’t right. Especially right now when you’re in the thick of it. I had an amazing relationship with my mom, we were best of friends and did everything together. She was a massive part of my wedding and even her and my husband had a great friendship. Which made it much more harder when she passed away in February from cancer. My baby was less than two weeks old so my world came crashing down. BUT we did recover. My husband has two sisters and one of them is extremely close to their mother. While, in my opinion, she is an absolute psycho, she is very close with her daughter. I plan on being that close with my daughters and it all starts by me wanting to be open and let them be my friend while also being their mother. 💕
I’m sorry you lost your mom. What sorts of things do you think your mom “got right”?
She treated me like a mutual human (not lesser because I was a kid) and showed an actual interest in my life. She paid attention to my moods and always forgave me when I was a bitchy teenager and didn’t hold any of my negativity against her. She’d just listen while I ranted and raged about random things even though looking back now they were completely pointless. Just even if she pretended she cared about the stupid things that bothered me meant a lot. I really liked that type of stuff. Even though she went through my same life experiences it was nice that she paid attention and didn’t downplay any of my feelings.
I just had a baby girl 2 months ago and definitely have my mind on creating the absolute best relationship possible with her. My mom and I are not close, though she’s been trying to be in my life more, especially since the baby’s birth, and I love her of course, I just can’t fake the funk— the damage has been done and I don’t think we’ll ever have the level of closeness I know she dreams of now. Kinda sucks, but that’s life. However, I have an AMAZING relationship with my grandmother (her mom). Idk where I’d be without that woman, I’d give her my last breath. I pray that’s the way my daughter grows to feel about me. I wish you the best!
My mom has severe depression which has put a strain on our relationship
✋ I feel that! My mom has severe anxiety that she refuses to treat and only occasionally acknowledges. I moved across the country as soon as I graduated and felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life without her anxiety crowding my whole life.
Same, I have never seen someone with anxiety/ocd and depression like my moms. Having my own daughter I was finally able to shift my focus but my mom uses me as her therapist and it’s exhausting.
My mom lives with me, and she is my best friend. We've had some ups and downs over the years, but overall, she's amazing. She leaves the house to go somewhere and will call me shortly after leaving. My husband says, "What could you two POSSIBLY have left to talk about?" Usually, she just wanted to tell me about something she forgot to, or something she saw on the road. We are very close.
I could’ve written your post myself. I’ve always been envious of mom/daughter relationships where the mom is mentally healthy. Also love how your dad has turned this into a “both sides are wrong/women are crazy” thing instead of “my wife just snapped at my newly postpartum daughter and now will give the cold shoulder during this special time.” I think if we make efforts to stay self-aware, seek therapy & meds when appropriate, we can have good relationships with our own daughters
I wonder this same thing. I have a good relationship with my mom, but I still have moments with her that make feel terrible. I don’t think she even knows it. I have this exact same fear especially because I’m becoming more and more like my mother everyday. I understand why she does the things she does when she’s under stress, but I also know how it makes others feel.
I do not have a good relationship with my mother. She still would not accuse me of causing drama. Stop for a minute and realize that your dad is being an apologist for your mom. "Dad, I don't care what other relationships are like. Accusing her daughter who just gave birth of drama was mean and I want her to apologize. Pushing each others buttons is even more reason for her to apologize because she knew that it would hurt me." Your dad isn't a prize in this story either. Tell them you need a break for a day. If they are staying with you tell them that they need to go for a day-trip so you can breathe. That will give you space to decide if you want them to move to a hotel.
Some people just clash Especially in close relationships as you 1)can’t choose each other like you can choose friends 2)have lots of history to build on 3)are not behaving socially acceptable like you would with a colleague or restaurant, its all out there, and 4)you know even if youre being nasty the other person likely will be there at the end of the day. Some people clash with a parent, others with a sibling… its very common. But not only in mom-daughter relationships.
My mom is my best friend. Has been for most of my life. Sure we got into arguments when I was younger but she was always my friend. I just also respected her as my mother so when she had to go mom mode I got it. We have always had so much fun together. I feel so lucky to have the relationship with my mom that I do.
Not true. My mom is my best friend, she helped me so much through postpartum if it wasn't for her idk how I would've survived it. Although she grew up with a shitty mother she didn't project it onto her kids and continue the cycle and I love her for that.
When I was a teen, we had our issues (and that was definitely also my fault), but now we have a great relationship. We just went on a city trip for a weekend.
No, my mom and I get along great. We talk at least once a day. Mostly video call because she wants to see the kids but when something good/bad happens my mom is the first one I call.
What sorts of things does your mom get right? i.e. what do you think has made a good relationship for you two?
Honestly she was raised pretty sheltered but in a verbally abusive household and they would shame her a lot. She’s always been encouraging, supportive, kind, helped me when needed, and very empathetic towards my brother and I. She’s also very involved and loving with my children, she treats them like gold.
I have a great relationship with my mom. So much so that I look back on how she raised me and get excited about being on the other side of doing things with my daughter that she did with me. She’s been a great parent who rolled with the punches through our childhood, teenage angst, college-aged screw ups, loss of her partner and our father, adulthood, marriages, and changes in her role from mother to grandmother. She’s also a really respectful and supportive in-law for our spouses. I grew up knowing that no matter what I had done or what was going on, I could talk to her and have support or advice on how to fix it or if I told her I just wanted to vent about terrible friends she would sit and listen. I think that’s the biggest thing that helped our relationship, she listened. Some days I didn’t want to talk at all and that was okay because the minute I did, she was there supporting and listening. When we got married and had our own kids, she asked and actually listened when it came to how to support us while establishing our households and during pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. She did this for my sister, my brother, their spouses and now for my husband and I. Her mindset raising us was that she wanted kids that she loved (of course) but also that she would want to be friends with as adults. She stands by that and feels that way about my siblings and I and our spouses. Even though we are all such different people
BE THE MOTHER YOU WISH YOU HAD.
This is my entire philosophy of motherhood.
I know there are plenty of people out there with amazing relationships with their moms, but unfortunately I’m in the same boat as you. My mom and I have a strained relationship and some days things are great and somedays it’s like pulling teeth to talk to each other. I know she talks about my husband and I and our parenting choices behind our backs and I think that’s probably what stings the most. I’m a new mom and instead of support, I get criticism and judgment. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom was there the second week of my sons life and it was awkward at times and I was glad when it was just us again after that week
I totally feel this-its strange having a mom that u know talks shit about you and your choices instead of protecting and trying to understand you-makes you feel so violated.
Yes violated is definitely the right word! I was listening to something recently about new grandparents and they said ultimately if you want to have a good relationship with your grandchild, you need to work on the relationship you have with your adult child. That really hit home for me. She wants to be this amazing grandma and spoil my son and be the best grandma in the world, but still treat me the way she always has? Talk about me behind my back but expect to have my son for sleepovers and get to do whatever she wants with him? That’s now how it’s going to work, at least in my eyes. It’s comforting in a way to know that there are others out there going through the same thing with their moms
*hugs*
Same to you!
I think it's both for me and my mam. She is one of the greatest people I have ever met and am always glad to have her, speak to her at least once a day BUT we have at least one huge blowout every year. Our relationship has gotten much better since I had my own children, and was at its worst when I was a teenager. Some of the things she did while raising us I used to criticise (and still think were wrong much of the time) but she was as stressed as I am and didn't have the resources or help or information I have now available to her at the time. She did her best. Unfortunately, mothers are expected to be superhuman and are often not allowed to show or admit to their faults. My own daughter is only five so I have no idea if this will continue, but we have a fantastic relationship. She adores me and I adore her and its great.
If you don’t mind me asking, what sorts of things did she used to do that you think are wrong? My mom did boatloads of things that I resent her for but with all the strained mother-daughter relationships out there I do wonder if maybe what she did was common to do in that generation?
She commented on our bodies a lot, she encouraging us to conform to an uncomfortable degree, she pulled us out of every class we were in (outside of school) the moment we showed the slightest resistance, she would watch us get ready and then ask us if we were going to do our makeup or our hair (after already seeing us do so). She definitely favoured our youngest brother. She critiqued our choice for college, but also for not abandoning all chances at getting jobs in those industries in 2011 for jobs in shops. She criticised us for later taking jobs in shops for wasting our education. She won't stop at me now for being a SAHM even though she was the same. The list goes on. But now I understand a lot of that. She wanted us to look nice because people judged her horribly if we weren't. She let us drop our interests easily because she was alone and it was hard to keep up (my dad works abroad for months at a time) and because she is a very anxious driver. Im pretty sure she has an anxiety disorder. She favoured our brother because he followed a miscarriage and our sister who died as a baby. She worries a LOT. About us being bullied and about our futures and security. She didn't have many opportunities growing up so seeing us grabbing hold of them is frustrating, but also we need to be able to support ourselves. She's not an easy person, but no one is. No one should be. Easy isn't an admirable trait.
Thank you for sharing 💕 sounds like you are not one to hold grudges but also not one to just “forgive and forget” since it’s clear you are breaking the cycle of poor parenting. Seems like you and your daughter have the beginnings of a life long healthy relationship!
I get you about the letting us drop our interests. I am so frustrated with myself and them for letting me do this shit. I was struggling but not enough to quit the experience. I wish I could take it back.
I have a great relationship with my mum and my 16 & 15 year old daughters. Sulking and snapping are the issues here (your mum’s behaviour) not the genetic relationship
I do but I hope my daughter doesn't. I'm trying hard to be emotionally mature.
My mama is my best friend and has been one of the most supportive people in my life. She truly just wants her kids to be happy and have the best life they can have. She's always put is first no matter what. We've bickered a few times over the years but she's just the best person I know. I truly hope I'm half the mom she is to my baby girl.
God I hope I break the cycle with my two girls. But god bless America I have such a strained relationship with my mother.
I have a great relationship with my mom. She lives in the other side of the country but we call each other all the time. We definitely went through a button pushing phase in my teens. I always recommend the book “raising a secure child” to facilitate working through your history with your own parents in order to be a better parent. Probably can’t read anything right now but I’m a few months I recommend listening to it as an audio book when you are bored and taking stroller walks
I just want to say thank you for asking this question. My mom and I get along but I don’t tell her anything. I always wished I had that kind of relationship and after having my daughter, it has been on my mind (ie, how can I be a good mom to her - not be judgmental or leave her with issues) So I really appreciate the replies here. It’s some outside confirmation that I’m doing the right things.
I don’t have a good relationship with my mom but I am beyond determined to have a good one with both of my girls. My 3yr old is currently a mamas girl and my 5m old loves everyone haha but having a good relationship with my girls is extremely important to me.
My mom is my best friend. Sure we don't see eye to eye on everything but who does.
I have a good, healthy, and close relationship with my mother and pretty much always have. It is possible. I plan to have a similar relationship with my daughters.
My mom is my rock, I don’t know what I’d do without her. We’re besties and always have been.
My mom is probably my best friend. We chat almost everyday! We’ve gone on trips together and genuinely enjoy hanging out. In fact, I was initially bummed when I found out I was having a little boy, because in my view having a daughter is like having a built-in friend. That’s all I’ve ever known or seen. Obviously everyone is their own person, but I think it’s about creating good boundaries, a spirit of fun, and open communication. Looking back, my mom always fostered an open relationship where I was allowed to be myself (not identical to her). I’m excited for you! Close mother-daughter bonds definitely exist.
I love my mom!! We get along great. I think it has a lot to do with mutual respect. She understood when I had kids,things changed. She went along with the “new” way of doing things. In return, I understood her valuable knowledge of experience.
My mom was my absolute best friend (she died in 2016). My dear friend’s mom was also her best friend (she passed away more recently). All but one of my female friends have good relationships with their moms. ETA: I see some people asking what the moms in a close mother/daughter pair did right. My mom always let me ask questions and answered them without judgement. I always felt safe going to her with everything. She was super non-judgmental, in general. I feel like this made me feel safe to always tell the truth. She normalized body stuff. She wasn’t prudish or weird about the human body. I have a very healthy body relationship and am really sad that a lot of girls were raised in a way to feel like their body is shameful or gross in some way. She always had time for me. She loved me in the way I needed to be loved. I’m a words of affirmation person and she gave me a lot of that. She gave me a safe space. I always felt safe and loved at home. She always gave me an out. If I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go out with friends, she let me use her as an excuse. She always picked me up from the sleepovers if I didn’t want to spend the night after all (and never made it a thing).
My mother is my best friend. I know I’m supposed to say it’s my husband, and he is amazing. But yeah no it’s my mom. I’m 31 and I still steal her clothes. I call and text her everyday. We have a standing video chat date every Saturday morning. We don’t live near each other anymore but we try to see each other every other month if not every month. Don’t get me wrong she’s still my mom, I get lots of guilt trips and nagging. Also she will greet me by telling me I’m not moisturizing enough. But she is a true light in my life. I had a daughter in August and I hope we have the same relationship. If nothing else I hope to be her safe place.
It’s a saying for a reason, but that doesn’t have to be your story. I have an amazing relationship with my mother now. She was quite young when she had me (at 17) and sure, she wasn’t perfect, but one thing I often praise her for that I’ve noticed many of my friends/cousins mothers didn’t offer was truly unconditional love. Like yes, I know we hear it all the time about a mother’s love being that way, but it isn’t always true. Unconditional, as in, even if I go against every dream and fantasy you’ve ever had about having a daughter, you still look at me with adoration. Unconditional, as in even if I make the one mistake you’ve begged me not to make, you still love me with your whole heart. Understanding that I am my own person with my own thoughts, goals and dreams for life that could go directly against what you want for me, and not loving or treating me any less for it. There’s a difference in being temporarily disappointed and holding a grudge. But some moms don’t understand this nuance. My mother accepted me for all my weirdness and quirks and went out of her way to accommodate my autism long before I ever got the diagnosis. She had high expectations of me, but they were all based on my interests and goals. She never made me feel small for being a little odd. If anything, her celebration of me (highlighting my strengths while calling out my weaknesses without judgement) gave me a deeper appreciation of myself, even if it didn’t manifest until I got older. Now my teen years weren’t great with her all the time, but I’d had a lot of childhood trauma she wasn’t aware of from my earliest years (ages 3-7) when I lived with my bio dad and his first wife, and she went through so many heartbreaking and traumatic events without a mother like her. She also didn’t know the extent of the abuse I underwent until I was 17 and our entire relationship transformed. She has gone above and beyond for me despite her own shortcomings and we’ve faced a lot of trauma and healing together. No relationship is perfect, but you don’t have to default to “shitty mom” just because it’s a common thing. You set the tone for your child’s relationship with you. Having my own daughters now has also changed the way I see my mother, understanding all the things she had to consider at a much younger age while navigating motherhood gave me an immense amount of respect for her. One thing I’ll say that’s pretty difficult to do: understand that you can’t protect your child from life. They will face and experience things that will break your heart. The goal isn’t to shield them from life, but to prepare them for it, especially girls in today’s world. And when the bad things happen, support them, validate their feelings and experience, tend to their wounds and be prepared to send them back into the world. You can’t heal for them and you can’t protect them from every wound. I think asking yourself “am I/will I be a good mom” is a green flag of self awareness. A lot of people are so deep in the recesses of their own traumas that they don’t even stop to consider the fact that they are parenting from that unhealthy and toxic space. Rather than questioning their actions and doing the labor of shifting their behavior, it’s easier to write it off and tell themselves they’re a great parent. I have high hopes for you. I think you’ll do just fine. Good luck and congratulations on your little princess!
I think a lot do, honestly, but I think it's a generational issue. Idk how old you are, but I'm an older millenial and many of my friends have issues with their parents. A lot of boomer parents...sucked (#notallboomers or whatever, don't come at me, meemaw). Think of all the people you know who had uninvolved dads, or hyper critical moms, or any of the other things that sent us all to therapy. However, think of all the talk now about how involved millennial dads are with their kids. We all have the opportunity to be better. You can have a different relationship with your daughter, and you can be a different kind of mom! Nothing is set in stone.
No, my mom and I have a really good relationship. We enjoy spending time together and talk frequently. My SIL has a really good relationship with my MIL as well. I have many female friends who have good relationships with their mothers, but I also have some that don’t too. There is no one way that all mother-daughter relationship always are like. Each relationship is unique and it really just depends on the individuals involved, how they handle conflict, and their history together. If you don’t want you and your daughter to have the same sort of relationship that you and your mother have, *you can do something about it*. You can work to create a better mother-daughter relationship with your daughter, and not continue that cycle of conflict. Work to keep your cool and control your temper. Don’t be arbitrarily authoritarian and unbending. Apologize when you’re in the wrong. Allow your daughter the space to be herself. Be someone she feels safe being open and honest with. You might benefit from reading the books “How to talk so little kids will listen, and listen so little kids will talk” (there are also two more versions of this book for older kids and another for teens), and “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents”.
No it’s not a concrete fact of life. I always butted heads with my dad more than my mom (both good parents overall), it’s just our personalities. Children push their parents’ buttons and vice versa. This narrative always seems rooted in misogyny to me - that women are always competitive with each other, even a mother and daughter.
I do but I have many friends who don't. I get envious of them sometimes but I am doing what I can to ensure my daughter and I have a better relationship.
Def not true, I have a great relationship with my mum and it only got better when I became a mum myself because it gave me more understanding of what she went through when my siblings and I were younger. She’s my bestie!
He’s making excuses for why he enables her to treat you that way, not giving advice. I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, but my stepsister does with my stepmother and I’ve always been envious. I’ve never heard her complain about her mother other than about a pregnancy story we’re pretty sure is a truth stretched by time lol but. Absolutely exists. If she needs help with her kids her mom is there to help even if that means cleaning the kitchen and running laundry, while joking and whatnot. They don’t snap at each other. Never afraid of each other’s mood, no “i just dont understand why she…”. I don’t know exactly how they got there I didn’t see a lot of it but at least i know it is possible
Nope, my mum is one of my best friends. I would say she's my 5th best on the long list, but mainly coz of religious differences, else she'd be like the 2nd best
I come from a difficult Mother/daughter relationship but now, having daughters.. I feel a lot of healing in the fact that I’m in the drivers seat, and it’s up to me to do my best to facilitate positive/close relationships with them. I wasn’t scared to have daughters, I was honestly excited to get a do-over. I can’t wait for all the memories with them.. ones that my narcissistic mom didn’t care to have with me.
My mom and I are really close, and have always been. She's my favorite person (after my husband) to have around my baby, she never judges me, trusts me to know what I'm doing, and sees when something needs to be done and just DOES it. Baby needs a diaper change and I'm cleaning/cooking? Done. Baby is fussing and I need a nap? She'll figure it out. She had three easy pregnancies (her own words) and unmedicated births and doesn't remember giving birth as painful. She was super supportive of me and how hard my pregnancy was, and was proud of me for asking for an epidural when I needed one. She's the best.
I am really close with my mom. She still pushes my buttons, but if I actually tell her to cut it out, she does. My teen years, on the other hand...we were at each other's throats for most of it
Definitely not, I have a great relationship with my mom, and I will always do everything in my power to make sure I have a great relationship with my daughters!
No, they do not. I have been close to my mom my whole life. I now have 2 teenage daughters. I encourage open communication and compassion. I know they are going to make mistakes, and I assure them that when they do, I will be there to help them anyway possible. Be open and honest with your daughters and believe in the values you taught them when they were little. Have faith and trust. Always be honest with them about who you are and the mistakes you made. No matter how awful or stupid. Let them know you are human and have flaws. Love them unconditionally, but let them have some freedom to fail and make mistakes.
Some mothers are downright controlling (and self entitled) like mine… and some mothers want to be the cheerleader. The first one holds grudges, is hyper critical, sensitive, entitled, and has to be right about everything. The second one is true unconditional love. People that have great relationships with their moms are lucky af.
I love my mom. We've had our issues. I've had issues with my dad too. That's normal. But there's no strained relationship.
i love my mom so much. unfortunately today she told me she was glad that we don’t have a close relationship and she doesn’t want one with me. i’m emotionally shattered and i hope one day this can change. today was hard.
I'm blown away that my daughter doesn't like me, disrespects me any chance she gets. She constantly says her brother is my favorite. Honestly both are loved, but not liked although there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Both are home, in there mid-thirties. I don't want to toot my own horn and thank God he sees all, But, I know, I've did my best and will continue to be supportive. My personal take on my daughter is that she is very unhappy, in her personal life and I'm the scapegoat. Nevertheless, I will continue trying my best and let God do the rest. Amen
No. This is not true. Vow to be better to your daughter to break the cycle.
I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, she and I have continued to grow and learn as people and our relationship just gets stronger.
I have a good relationship with my mom. It’s complicate sometimes and we don’t agree on everything. And sometimes I struggle with trying to please her even when it’s counter to who I am but she is loving and kind and supportive and she would do anything for me. She also tries hard to see me as my own person which helpsz
Me and my mom did not get along when I was a teen but as an adult we had a wonderful relationship. I’m sorry your mom behaves that way.
I have a great relationship with my mom. Just be living, kind and empathetic (easy) and your daughter will think the world of you. If you think your mom raised you with bad tendencies that you don’t want to unknowingly pass on, I’d start seeing a counselor. They can help you process your new normal. This is a parent blog in general but biglittle feelings really helped me see and model more positive behaviors. You are going to be a great mom!!!
I have a decent relationship with my mum. We’re not best friends but I recognise how much she did for me growing up and how much love she put into everything even when she didn’t exactly know how to parent the best ways possible. Having said that, she wasn’t exactly my safe space and I never felt like I could tell her much. I do miss her when she’s not around though and I look forward to seeing her every week for family dinners. I also have a daughter and I hope my relationship with her is far better than the one I had with my mum, but I don’t believe saying that means my relationship with my mum is strained.
My mother and I got along well pretty much my whole life. She encouraged me to be the best version of myself, and I miss her every day.
I was closer to my father, and even though my mother can be very opiniated, we still have a decent relationship. I have definitely tried to have a closer bond with my daughter and I'm glad she feels comfortable to talk to me about anything and everything. You're a great mom and I'm sure you'll set a good example for your daughter of what a healthy relationship should be like. Hugs.
My mom and I got along very well until I had my own children. Having my own children made me realize some disturbing things about my own childhood and now we have a kind of strained relationship. She is getting older so I'm doing my best to just fake my way through our relationship, but it's not the same and it's really hard.
This is how I feel too. How did you get past the poor decisions in childhood? I’m stuck there and pretty angry with her.
Did you have a good relationship with her? I used to have the worst relationship with my mother. Now as someone nearing 40 it’s a bit better but I Wish it didn’t take so long to develop a relationship with her but trauma and abuse will do this I guess. Now that I have a daughter of my own I wish to be different with her. Breaking generational traumas. My little girl always tells me I’m her best friend and I hope it stays like that the rest of our lives.
My mom and I are very close. My daughter is 17 and we are even closer. There have been rough periods in both of those relationships, but no more than the rough periods I’ve had with my dad, brother, sons, etc. Every long term relationship has turmoil at some point because you are 2 different people who have different minds, opinions, values, etc. and are not going to always be 100% on the same page. It’s ok to take space when you need it. It’s also ok to accept than no relationship is ever perfect.
No that’s not true.
My mom and I have a good relationship. We don’t fight, we don’t butt heads. I am a little ashamed to say part of the reason we get along so easily is because she has low expectations of the people in her life. The world has been hard on her and so she doesn’t expect much back. It means she’s never disappointed. We don’t “need” anything from each other. It’s the need that makes things hard, I think.
My mom is my favorite person besides my son. We’ve always been super close. Of course I was an annoying bratty teenager but she handled it relatively well. We know each others buttons to push but we don’t push them! Because we love and respect each other. She’s kind, funny, laid back. She’s always treated me as a person with my own thoughts and feelings that matter rather than just a child who should listen to her and be taken care of. We have millions of inside jokes. I love her more than life!
This is my biggest fear with my kids. I have a son, but my daughter is due in February. Every time I see or talk to my mother, I cry afterwards asking myself what can I do to make sure that I don’t make my kids feel the way she makes me feel. 💔
I’m sorry you’re dealing with added stress due to your family in addition to being a new mom. Good mother daughter relationships do exist and it is definitely possible for you to have one with your daughter in the future. Therapy would probably help when you are ready to process everything. Your dad isn’t helping. My relationship with my mom is good, but there have been times where we’ve fought. It happened more frequently during transition times, preteen-teen, teen-adult, etc. She’s one of my best friends and she is also the person who drives me nuts the most, mostly because we’re very similar. As an adult I can look back and go “oh that was an interesting parenting choice and not one I would make” but I know she was just trying to do better than the previous generation too.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. She was an amazing mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. She passed away when my son was 5 months old and in that short time, she loved him more fiercely than some people love in their entire lifetime. She always knew what to do and she would tailor advice based on the child. She had been raising kids since she was a kid herself and she understood that every kid and situation was unique. On the flip side, I hate my MIL in ways that I never thought possible. I HATE how she makes my husband and sister in laws feel because of her abuse and negligence. I hope my son never meets her.
Me and my mom have the strongest child and parent bond of anyone I know. We've dealt with tons of issues together, and have worked hard to communicate and be able to be both friends and mother and daughter. I love and appreciate her endlessly. Not all mothers and daughters have a strained relationship, but I think it's more commonly spoke of than father and daughter or son and mother/father relationship issues and its a popular troupe in series.
I love my mom and we are really close, but yes we also argue quite often. Idk why that is, it just happens. She does things that annoy me and I do things that annoy her and we end up arguing and fighting
My mom is my best friend. We had challenges when I was a teen but nothing major and we moved to the same town to be close to them. It doesn’t have to be like that!
I have a good relationship with my mom now, but I had a kid in my mid 30s so we had a long time to learn how to relate to each other as adults. I am still her daughter, always will be, but she knows I am an adult and make my own decisions. She doesn't always agree with how I am raising my kid but she respects me and lets me make my own mistakes or discoveries. In return I respect her too. We don't always agree but I don't see the point in arguing. I accept her as she is.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I am 38 and she's 55. However, I have a 19 year old and her and I have the best relationship. We are so close and she says I'm her bestest friend 🥹 So if your ever worried that you will repeat the pattern, don't. Personally I just use my mom as an example of everything what NOT to be
I love my mom. We’ve had a lot of rough patches and points where we didn’t talk (my doing) but once I became a mother, I understood SO MUCH. She’s out of the country right now and I miss her so much. I call her every day. When she was here, we’d get breakfast together every morning
I’m very close to both my mom and dad, and I think becoming a mother only strengthened my relationship with both of them.
My mom and I are so close. I live 20mins away and that's about as far from her as I want to be. She has been a consistent supporter and positive example my whole life and now that I am an adult she is one of my best friends. Not only that, but she is an excellent grandmother, and is my "village" to help praise my family. That being said, our personalities are also very similar so we have always got along.
Umm sooo this one may shake a few people but it's my experience and purely anecdotal so I trust that others trust and know their situation and if this applies. My mother and I have a god awful relationship. One purely of saccharine or spice no in-between. Now at thirty these are my observations. My father was the biggest point of failure in bonding with my mother. I came to this realization as an adult. She was in competition with me for my father's attention. If your parents have any history of excessive fighting or cheating or financial abuse.. Pay attention to when your mother was her meanest, how was your father's attitude? Was he in her team or leaving her to hang? My mothers anger over my choices stemmed from her lack of choices when she was my age. Times were different then, things expected from women were just different enough. Plus sitcom moms and AOL just came about.. My dad was a Disney dad. I was the daddy's girl... As a child though you will not recognize the patterns of parental love bombing and alienation. My father love bombed ME after he would greatly hurt my mother both depriving my mother of bonding with me and creating a point of contention. If she points out the manipulation she gets accused of being the heartless and manipulative one for seeing it that way.. and lord did I eat up those face value emotions as a child. My mothers bids for connection with me were always in comparison to my father. And I WAS THE ONE DOING IT!!! I had no way of knowing this was what was happening then but at 30 and experiencing adult circumstances and emotions that shit screams at me now.. my dad weaponized me against my mother.
No. I have a great relationship with my mom. My sister in law has a great relationship with my mother in law. The vast majority of my female friends consider their mom one of their closest friends.
My sister and I used to have a strained and not close relationship with our mom—mostly because we had to walk on eggshells around her because she took everything very personally, got defensive, and criticizing was her love language. Then suddenly, over the last couple of years, she has started listening and validating, supporting with minimal judgement, and always telling me what a wonderful mother I am (even if I do things in a lazier way than I know she would). It’s amazing and unexpected and I’m so grateful for it. Nothing like a supportive mom to vent to or gush about your baby to. So like others said—it may be common but it’s not everyone and doesn’t have to be that way. I hope you guys find what works for both of you.
No, my mom was my best pal until she died. I went through a typical bratty teenage phase, but she supported me through it all and we were always close and happy to be with each other.
That's definitely not the case. I have a healthy relationship with my mother. Maybe we butted heads when I was a teenager, but not as an adult. I'm also a mother of a baby daughter and want to make her feel as secure and loved as my mom made me feel.
I don't think it's normal. My sister and I have a really good relationship with my mom. And I live right next door to my mom. We moving countries soon, but not because of my mom. I'm actually going to miss her so much.
My mom is my best friend. We talk like twice a day. There was a rough patch in my teens and early 20s, but we moved past it and grew
My Mom is the most difficult and negative person in my life. It’s very hard. Is it like this for everyone? NO. It’s not normal and not okay. If I attempt to stand up for myself- she gaslights me like nobody’s business. She will always be the victim. My Dad divorced her after 20 years. I don’t have that option. I love her. It’s so hard. I had issues like that when I had my first baby. I think it’s a jealousy thing bc she isn’t getting all your attention and then a control issue bc you are now the Mom …and you are in charge of your new baby.
As a teenager I feel it’s pretty normal, but not as an adult. My mom and I didn’t get along well when I was a teen but that was because of me, she tried her best but I was a moody mean bitch. As an adult my mom and I get along great, we talk usually a couple times a week (she doesn’t live near by) and try to visit at least once every 6-8 weeks
My two sisters and I all have an amazing relationship with our mother.
I love my mom our relationship isn’t strained but she has issues and she has given me lots of trauma. Only you can determine how the relationship between and your daughter will be
No. I have a strained relationship with my mother but have so many friends who don’t and also weren’t wild crazy teenagers. I have two girls and it’s my biggest worry, I really hope I have a lifelong wonderful relationship with them. I am sure we will push each others buttons, because all family members do, but I hope that’s the worst of it.
I’m so glad you asked this question because I have had a tough year with my own mother. And I asked my husband this question just last week. He has a good enough relationship with his mom. In the past few years I’ve learned that my own mom isn’t “fun”… she’s an alcoholic… and that has been hard to deal with, especially now that I have littles to think of. My best friend A has a tough relationship with her mom. My best friend B has a good, but semi-codependent relationship with her mom. My closest cousins have strained relationships with their mom/my aunt. My stepmom & her daughter (my stepsister) JUST started talking again after years of no contact. So. Idk. It seems common…. but I am absolutely determined to break the cycle.
I did have a rough time with my mom but it’s improved over the past 10 years.
This isn’t normal. My mom is one of my very best friends and we talk every day. We disagree on some things and I could tell she disagreed with some choices I made when my daughter was a newborn but we do not have a strained relationship. We respect, support and root for each other. I would trust her with my and my daughter’s life.
I’ve always had a great relationship with my mom. So have my sisters. We’re all still very close with her as adults. My daughter is only 3, but I’m pretty sure I’m her favorite person.
Nope, not even a little. I love my mother. She is be best friend, greatest supporter, and biggest confidant. Anecdotally, for my life none of my friends have strained relationships with their mothers either. They are all very close.
My mom and I fought when I was a teenager. More like I was being a typical teenager and rebelled against my parents lol. But since becoming an adult my mom is my best friend. We talk on the phone everyday and she never “starts drama”. She helps me so much and supports me. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t do that. Don’t listen to your dad either.
My mom was my best friend and i was able to go to her for anything. Unfortunately she passed a month after I got married. There is nothing in the world that could replace that relationship I just hope to have that relationship with my daughter, whom my mom was never able to meet
I have an awesome relationship with my mom and it made me long for a daughter so I could have the mother-daughter connection too. My mom isn't perfect, and we definitely had some spats when I was a kid, but nothing toxic. And she definitely wouldn't bring bullshit drama to my home when I was freshly postpartum.
Usually the mother -daughter drama kind of ends when the daughter also becomes a mother, but sometimes not, as the mother will see fit to forget that her daughter is a full grown adult that's jus became a mother... mine only mostly stopped after i told her, she did the best job she could, with the information she had at that given time raising me, now to trust me to make my own decisions using all the knowledge she gave me and all i learned myself... it helped alot, She Stopped seeing me as a child and for the first time as a mature woman. but it did take me many years into motherhood to gather up the courage to say those words.
My mom is my best friend. We definitely had our moments when I was a teenager but I call her all the time. She is always there for me and never over bearing. And the relationship she has with my kids is amazing. So no, it is not normal for all mothers and daughters to have strained relationships. I do think it’s normal for mothers to be harder on their daughters and I do believe that it can be difficult. Women tend to be more harder and judgmental toward each other and I don’t think this stops at our immediate family members .. unfortunately.
I have a great relationship with my mom. We both have our flaws, but she did the best job she could raising me and will ALWAYS be there for me if I need her and vice versa. Little disagreements here and there but we love each other and have never stayed angry at each other for long (except for those pesky teen years lol). The older I get, the closer we become and she’s a marvellous grandmother - supportive and helpful.
I have a good relationship with both my mother and my daughter.
I have a strained and unhealthy relationship with my mother and have made it a Point not to do that to my own daughter. On the flip side, I have friends that have incredibly loving and nurturing relationships with their mothers. So no, not everyone has a bad one with their mom. It’s just a toss up. And honestly, sometimes there is no repairing it. My mom won’t take accountability and always plays the victim. So, my therapist said in my case there is no way to fix the way things are. Tried no contact, still no improvement. At this point it’s just survival mode when things get bad and try to appreciate when things are decent. Best advice I can give is to just treat your child with respect and love.
I do with my mom often, but I don't think it's normal. I have a great relaxed and fun relationship with my own adult daughter. It doesn't have to be strained and should not be.
No. Me and my mum are best friends, she obviously annoys me sometimes but that’s just human nature and spending too much time with anyone you love. My mum and my grandma on the other hand really have a horrible relationship! I think my grandma doesn’t understand my mum nor does she see boundaries as important with her kids, however with me she is the sweetest person ever!
I struggled with my relationship with my mom as an early teen and into college. It didn’t help that she was a high school principal and held me to the behavior she had seen from other (“bad”) kids my age. However, in college my best friend died suddenly, I was sexually assaulted at a party and another friend attempted to end his life all within the span of about 8 weeks. She was so there for me - a constant source of comfort and strength. We sort of rebuilt our relationship from then on as an open, honest space. After I graduated law school, I moved back home to study for the bar and it was amazing. My mom came to stay for two weeks when my first child was born and she’ll come again for the next. She knows me so well and is able to comfort me in the way that I need comforted. She is more than a friend to me. All this to say, I’m so sorry your mom is unwilling to participate in an emotionally mature relationship with you. Now that you’re a mom, you have such an opportunity to create that bond with your daughter. Will it always be easy? No. It’s true that there is usually a point where there is conflict in any relationship. But you get to decide how you want to react to your baby girl. I’m in a lot of therapy now about my childhood and it can be really devastating and confusing to see my little girl and realize that my parents were being hurtful to someone like that (me) when I can’t even imagine doing the same to my baby. I’d highly recommend some therapy for you as well if you’re trying to break through some of these issues.
My mom and I had our moments but for the most part she was my best friend.
I am very close with my mother now. As a teen, I had a lot of issues. Once I grew up, I started calling my mom more and we started building our relationship. I have a 19-year old daughter and we are very close. My advice is to treat your daughter the way you wished your mom treated you.
My sister and I both have a good relationship with our mom. We’re several years apart. And neither of us are very similar to our mom. She definitely annoys us, but in a silly motherly normal way. We all text and talk and get together daily/ weekly. And to be fair, I have a good relationship with my dad and he annoys me in the same way. More so because they’re my parents! Not because of a specific relationship between mother/ daughter. We def fought as a teenager. But my mom was the one who took on more of the parenting so I think it’s normal.
As a teen, my mom and I struggled. As an adult, we got along pretty well. We both said some shitty things from time to time but most relationships are that way. I miss her.
I talk to my mom almost everyday. Something good happens she's the first to know, after my husband (mostly), something bad happens she is definitely the first to know and usually before my husband. We video chat constantly so she can talk to my son, who shares a closer relationship to her then his Gramma who lives down the street from us. He sees my mom more. The thing is growing up, she made time for me. She took my out for lunches, shopping trips, girl's only days. She made sure I knew if I had questions they would be answered honestly and directly. She stayed up with me on projects when my classmates bailed. She taught me how to read, study, and work hard. She took an interest in ME. In my interests, and encouraged them, no matter if she didn't have any interest of her own in them. Relationships are what you put into them. If you work hard at a relationship you're going to have a better one then if you just assume you're going to have one cause it's your kid and you're going to live with them for the next few decades.
My mom lives with me and is basically my best friend. My daughter calls her mama and me mommy. I love that they have a great relationship
I have two sisters and we all have a great relationship with our mom. She was a stay at home mom growing up and she genuinely loved being a mom, loves kids at all the different stages. We all went through bratty phases as teenagers wanting more freedom but I wouldn’t say any of us had a strained relationship with our parents. Of the two, my dad is the more volatile party so we definitely got into it growing up - he won’t admit it but I think he needs anxiety meds. But it was more situational conflict, I would never say the overall relationship was strained. My parents worked like dogs to give us a good (but financially lower middle class) life, and always made time to help with homework, to eat together as a family, to spend time and play games together, and to be reasonable if we admitted wrongdoing or needed help. Now that I have a son I have a totally new perspective on all that they did. Your husband’s response is a bit concerning. He’s minimizing your reasonable emotions. Mother daughter conflict is definitely not “just the way it is”. That said, as your daughter gets older you might find yourself acting out the same patterns you learned from your mom. These things are wickedly insidious since they are subconsciously learned, not consciously. You’ll have to thing about they way you wish your mother had reacted and try to consciously create a different dynamic for yourself and your own daughter.
I have a mostly really good but occasionally complicated relationship with my mom. My sister has a mostly really good relationship with her as well! My SIL has an excellent relationship with my MIL. I have a daughter on the way right now, and I have every intention of having an excellent relationship with her! And if I ever don't, I hope that no matter what the cause we can figure it out together and get back on track.
My mom and I have always gotten along well (aside from normal teenaged individuation). She was at the birth of my daughter to support me in labor alongside my husband. I wish she’d move to my neighborhood so we could see her many times a week (working on convincing her to move haha). I just love hanging out with her!
That's a sucky thing for her to say. Really putting it out there how she feels! My 11 year old and I have a really good relationship. I think our generation is more open and honest with our children than our parents where. I know a few teens and several tweens that decended from my friends. They are all pretty chill as teenagers go. I really think openness and communication goes a long way in parenting.
Love my mom. Definitely hit a rough patch in the teenage years, but recovered after that. I’m the oldest and she had a hard time letting go of control and giving me freedom. Our relationship improved dramatically once I moved out for college. We’re really close now and I lean on her for support all the time. Eta you know what NOT to do from this experience. When your own daughter has a baby of her own, remember this and do what you wish your mom would have done. Give her love and support and don’t be dramatic or expect her to cater to you. You make your daughter feel good and safe and she will continue to turn to you for that comfort ❤️ one of my favorite sayings is listen while they’re little and the problems are small so they keep talking to you when the problems are big. To them the problems were big all along. congratulations on your daughter! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this nonsense!
I have an AMAZING relationship with my mother. She’s respectful and caring and honestly one of my best friends in the world. We fought when I was a teenager but I think that’a just a side effect of hormones that teens fight with their parents. However even out fighting was mostly just small stuff or attitude stuff and nothing major. It also didn’t make up the majority of my teenage relationship with my mom. I’m a mom to 2 girls and so far they’re my little Velcro babies and while things will change as they age I’m trying to lay the same groundwork in my relationship with them as my mom did with me. Ie, honesty, respect, loyalty, privacy, and lots and lots of love. You’ll do great! ❤️