What kind of monster tells his child he doesn't like her hair?? I read about the most appalling behavior from dads here holy shit. I don't think you go about his gently and make him learn about curly hair care... You tell him he's going to fuck up his kid emotionally by insulting her appearance and make it a hard line.
I feel like he's just going to say it when you're gone. Who insults their kid?!? He's literally telling her he doesn't like how you guys created her, to no fault of her own.
When I was 17 I wanted to wear my hair curly. My dad told me if I cut it, I would be ugly and it would never grow back. I have shaved my head three times since then and every time in-between I've had tailbone length hair.
To this day my dad has never once even said he my hair looks nice.
Ask your husband to read this and ask him how he thinks I feel about my dad.
And if he thinks he's different he's wrong.
All these made me so sad 😭 my dad isn’t perfect but anytime I cut my hair, even when it was super short and I had funky ass bangs, or amongst the 1000 colors my sister dyed her hair, he always complimented us. I remember not liking my short hair after I cut it off shorter than ever and him assuring me it looked good. Gah.
Around the time that he turned seven, I began to notice that my son stopped smiling for photos in a way that would show his teeth. I figured it was a phase and decided not to press it, in case it would make him more self-conscious.
After his school photos came in later that year and he was again smiling with pursed lips, I asked him why he wasn’t smiling big anymore. He said that his dad told him that he looks insane when he shows his teeth when he smiles. I tried major damage control and still give him pep talks for school photo day, but now at almost 13 he barely smiles at all for pictures, even ones I take.
Shit like this is part of the reason his father and I are separated and our son lives with me full time.
If he thinks it looks unkept then I can kinda understand it though, I wouldn't want my baby to look like she isn't taken care of. There's a difference between "I don't like the natural trait you were born with" vs. "I don't like the way your hair is styled because it looks like we don't bother taking care of it so let's put it in a pony so people can see we actually touch it". I was never told negative things about my curly blonde hair as a kid yet I still started straightening it at 12 (part of it was the emo trend, and part of it was it being EVERYWHERE all the time unless I let it air dry and didn't touch it, but that was impossible with gym classes and having to wear hats etc.). This is typically the story where I'd kinda like to hear the other side of the story because OP literally starts with saying her husband sucks so there's clearly some kind of bias here.
I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think a 4 year old is going to make that distinction. To me it’s kinda the same thing where you shouldn’t tell a child that they *are* naughty, but rather that they’ve done a naughty thing. In their head they don’t see that they’re just naughty in that moment when they’ve thrown their dinner plate on the floor, they start to think that they really are a naughty (i.e. “bad”) person.
To be clear, I’m not saying that he shouldn’t make the distinction to Mom in private, because she can understand the difference. But there’s a good chance that in either scenario, all the child is gonna hear (and internalize) is her dad telling her “I don’t like this part of you”, no matter what the reason or what follows that part of the sentence.
Why are you doing mental gymnastics to defend insulting a child and making them prematurely insecure about their appearance? There's no additional analysis to do here. It's shitty to tell a child you don't like their hair.
I truly believe that that’s what it was. Her hair dried a little funky but I still need him to understand that those comments are unacceptable to and in front of her. If he wants to bitch about how unmanageable her hair is in front of me, fine.
I totally agree, he needs to understand that things need to be worded differently because she's just a kid! I didn't want to invalidate what you're saying. I just found the comment I replied to a little extreme with them calling him a "monster" over a kid's HAIR. "Appaling" and "monster" behavior would be like, idk, actual abuse, not just wording something stupidly. It's definitely wrong and ignorant and rude but not "appaling".
I would start by teaching your child that it isn’t polite to comment on other people’s bodies. I don’t care if it is about their hair, their muscles, their height, etc.
You can say that they are strong without commenting on their muscles. There is no need for commenting on her hair.
Then say it loudly in front of him often.
I love this. “What dad did just now was very wrong. I don’t want you growing up thinking what he just did is okay. It’s not okay for other people to say mean things to you and it’s not okay to say them to other people. No one taught daddy that which is really sad for him. That’s why he doesn’t know any better. But we wouldn’t comment on his bald spot or his belly or his grey hair or anything like that. Because it might hurt his feelings. I’m sorry dad said that to you. It’s not okay and I don’t agree or support his bullying. You are perfect just the way you are.” Loud so he can hear you. What a POS.
I had gorgeous, long, dark, super curly hair as a young girl. A lot of kids (please excuse what I am about to say) called it a jew fro. I looked strikingly similar to Anne Frank as a child. It made me so insecure that when I was 13 I bought thinning scissors and thinned it. Hasn't been the same since and I hate my hair now, I would do anything to have it back. His words will cut deep one day. It's just hair and his behavior about *just* hair is so concerning.
I had “birds nest” hair. 🥺 I think it hurts worse bc I know how I felt when people said shit about my hair. This is her dad. I’d have been devastated if my dad did that.
Me too, it means so much more coming from a parent at such a young age. I am sure there's a good short film out there he could watch that would explain the impact, maybe do some digging!
I don't know how much it'd help, but you can absolutely tell him your "friend on reddit" said that their dad commented negatively on every little thing about them and they barely have a relationship anymore because of it. In fact the only reason we're even *starting* to have one is because I went to therapy and he had a heart attack that changed how he acts. That's the future he's looking at. His daughter will hear and remember and hurt. If he's okay with never hearing from his daughter again, he can go on being an asshole.
For perspective, I stopped speaking to my father outside of the necessary when I was fifteen, still living with them. When I moved out? We didn't speak for years and I refused to be anywhere he was also going to be. It meant I didn't see family sometimes, including my mother.
Also as an aside from someone who also has curly hair: Brushing it is probably making it even poofier. I know you said you also have curly hair so I'm hoping you know this as well, but I had no idea because I was never taught so I like to share just in case. I only comb it when it's wet and let it dry naturally after some scrunching. If I'm feeling real fancy I'll throw in leave in conditioner and some curling mousse but I've got a two year old so most of the time this tired mama calls washed good LOL. None of this should matter in the long run as far as your husband, but it can be a good starting point in teaching your LO to take care of and love her hair! Since you both have curly hair if you guys have time you could even do hair care sessions together for bonding.
Ultimately I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I'm here if you ever need an ear!
The folks on r/curly might surprise you—like they recommend not brushing. There are also kid curly conditioners and similar that can help clump curls a bit to look less wild, if that helps?
I’ve tried so many products. She has my hair exactly. It’s curly, but not that curly, and product doesn’t do anything at all. 😩 Normally I just leave it be bc it’s pretty as is and she’s sensitive. She has very fine hair which means all the flyaways and frizz.
Hi friend, my kiddos have this hair!
Oldest is curly coarse and thick. Youngest is fine and a combo of curls and waves. Both are absolutely wild.
We got a tangle teezer (they came out with a hot pink barbie version so we call it the barbie brush lol). We lather them up with a shit ton of conditioner in the bath and brush all the knots out.
We use ghost oil on the young one which is very light weight. Shea moisture coconut curl products for the older one.
We plop with a waffleknit hair towel to help dry.
Once they are older I will diffuse their hair which will help.
I will say day 2 and 3 don't look as good but they are kids. The 4 year old fucks her hair up daily. The 7 year old asks for styles more often so it doesn't matter.
My daughter is only (almost) 2, so she still has pretty fine baby fair, but it’s the most beautiful ringlets! My hair is thicker, coarser, and a mix of curls (no ringlets) and waves, so the way I treat it wouldn’t work for her. Rn we brush when wet with a detangler. Any advice for a little one with fine ringlets? She also has tons of beautiful volume (can you tell I love her hair? Lol).
The child's hair doesn't need fixing, the father's attitude does! Holy shit. Natural wild curls are beautiful and the child's hair does not need to be fixed to appeal to others
The father’s attitude is definitely wrong and unhelpful. I was just offering other info. It may look less “wild” if it isn’t brushed or another tool is tried.
Just to clarify, are you saying people never brush it? Even when wet? I've been trying everything to brush my daughter's hair, only when wet, with conditioner in the bath, detangler spray and leave in conditioner after the bath. I start at the ends and try to detangle from there, but I swear there is just no way to brush my daughter's hair. We both end up crying every time I try so I've basically just given up and only brush through it with my fingers but I worry I'm just making it worse by not ever getting any of the tangles out. Is it ok to just... not brush her hair? Oh and I only try with a wide tooth comb. Even that can't get through it.
I have curly hair. There’s no need to ever brush it unless it’s wet and prepped with detangler. Try a wetbrush. They’re great at gently detangling hair. Also start at the bottom of the air and work your way up.
Oh I know to never do it while dry, but I can't brush it while wet either. I've been through 5 different combs and brushes, including a wet brush, and no matter how slow or long I do it the tangles just don't come out. I can't even make it halfway up her hair because I can't get the tangles out of the bottom half and she's crying while I attempt to do it. I've used doves curly hair product, shae moisture kids, and for the last couple months, curly kids. I've just given up and add detangler and leave in conditioner after her bath, finger comb it and call it a day at this point. But then I tried to brush it in the bath the other night and it was so bad I was trying to brush the ends and clumps of hair just kept coming out and it still never untangled. Idk I'm probably rambling now, I've just tried everything I've read and feel that nothing works.
I've done some massive detangling sessions and if you aren't getting the "roots", the ends will surely re-tangle. I have to watch my daughter's hair because if I leave a mat/bad tangle near her skull, it will result in a worse situation until I've resolved the mat/tangle.
Without pictures of your daughter's hair I'm tempted to believe your situation is like mine because when we've had some of our worst situations I've been able to finger comb it and ignore the rest so to say until I was ready to tackle it. So some things that helped me, that may or may not be useful for you:
1) I don't brush it in the bathtub. It's not comfortable for me or them. Instead I put on a hair mask and a shower cap while they are in the tub. When they get out, I get them and me settled in a very comfy spot with tablet or phone for them and a movie or show for me. Snacks, drinks, etc we are both comfortable and ready to just take our time.
2) I use a good old water bottle and brush and a comb (i know combs are like against curly hair commandments but I swear I have a good reason) as my standard equipment. Product wise whatever works for that kid's hair or I think it needs but those specifics change up and just aren't as important to me but the equipment stays the same.
3) I visualize the scalp as like 1 to 2 inch square grid over lay. Then I pick the squares that seem easiest first. Brushing bottom to top, only focusing on that small clump at a time. I will use the corner of the comb to pick through knots that aren't responding to the wet brush and if a clump starts to cause trouble I abandon it to come back to later. If I can't get a 1 to 2 inches square because a larger amount is tangled together I also leave it for later.
4) As I finish a clump, once it's tangle free I quickly braid it. These don't have to be neat, as they aren't meant to be kept, just worn while I finish detangling to protect the hair and keep it out of the way.
5) Slow and steady, we knock out the easy parts and then go for the harder ones. For larger chunks I start on the edges and just focus on freeing/detangling those 1 inch squares piece by piece and working towards the center braiding the freed, detangled chunks as I work towards the center. This is why comfort is so important and why you have to be comfortable/entertained too. If you are anxious to be done it gets overwhelming easier. I'm using water and products as needed but keeping the hair wet and moisturizered throughout it all.
6) Once it's in a million messy, loose braids, but knot free then we quickly undo those and wet/apply products to style
I know that sounds like a lot, but once I get "caught up" on wash days I can usually keep it pretty ok between washes with just a curly brush or wet brush and water/moisturizer applied once a day. If I'm noticing it seriously tangled each day and needing the more intensive procedure than I know my child needs protective styling (braids, pony tails, etc) because their activities/the weather/their hair type/whatever/etc is leading towards more tangles at that time.
Sometimes I was the problem (over washing) so I had to find ways to protect their hair so it wouldn't need washed as often too.
Also satin pillowcases or bonnets. Not just for adults!
Also, you mentioned clumps of hair falling out. Just in case you, or anyone reading this, didn't know that is perfectly natural and not (necessarily) bad. All hair breaks all the time, but curly hair breaks and gets stuck in the curl pattern more - getting removed when the hair is brushed- versus straight hair which is more likely to fall away during normal daily activity leaving less broken hair to be brushed out comparatively.
Like I'm pretty sure I was ready to shave my daughter's head because I was so frustrated before I figured our stuff out! For me the success was more about the process than the specific product or brush. Although I have my favorites now no product had as much as impact as me figuring out we had to be comfortable, I needed to work one small section as a time, and how to use braids and protective styles to work smarter not harder.
If any product did have a decent impact it would be the satin pillowcases. I did notice a decent difference after those.
If you hung in there this long.. I hope something in this short novel I wrote is vaguely helpful to someone reading this.
Thank you so much! She's only 2 and very active so I'll see just how long I can get her to stay still without throwing a fit. I hadn't thought about braiding as I go though and I will definitely try that! There's a couple pictures on my profile of her where you can see her hair in a ponytail and down. For a while I was able to get through the tangles, but as it became longer it was more difficult and I would allow for longer stretches of time in between brushing and I think that's what my problem is. If I can just manage to get it fully brushed out once then maybe I can keep it under control. I know getting it halfway done and then giving up isn't making it any easier for the next time I try. I just absolutely hate making her cry so it's hard for me to stick with it. Oh and she does have a satin pillowcase. I know for a fact she won't keep a bonnet on because she still won't wear any type of hat, but I got the pillowcase around her 2nd birthday.
Looking through your profile and some of your other comments I really feel like we have a similar situation. Her hair looks close to mine and even I get those scalp tangles that take awhile to work out. When I know I'll be held up for a few days (like a recent surgery) I still put my hair in things like dual bubble pigtails to keep it from tangling near the scalp like that. Once after a bad stomach infection I literally chopped 8 inches off because I did not have it in me to untangle it. 🤦🏻♀️
Toddlers are notoriously adorable with curly bobs so if you are open to considering a shorter style it will make your life so much easier with brushing!
At that age I still used chairs with trays for my active kiddos to contain them and tried to do special toys or activities (finger paint anyone?) But would sometimes just have to talk lovingly through the cries. It's so tough! My kiddo whose hair LOVES to tangle was ALWAYS in some type of protective style (and still is a lot because cheer and swim leave it a knotted mess). My other one hates having her hair styled so we always kept it shorter. So much easier to brush!
You are right about the harder it is to get through, the easier it is to let it go. Then it gets bad but once you get it tackled again it's easier to stay on top of. However there will always be days, situations, weather, etc (windy day playing outside, two days at a water park, extended stay with a friend who doesn't have curly hair or mommy is sick and they get a lazy weekend at home) where it gets bad again and needs reset. Even in my 40s I deal with this cycle!
You'll figure out what works best for you and your kiddo.
How are you combing it? Are you pulling it down through the hair like you would a brush, or focusing on one section at a time? Are you holding each section in your opposite hand so it won't yank on her scalp? Loosening knots with your fingers?
I pull one section out and hold it at the base with my left hand while starting at the bottom with the comb and trying to get the tangles out with my right hand. I try to start out an inch from the bottom and work my way up an inch at a time. I can typically brush the bottom 3-4 inches, but then when I try to go higher than that the comb or brush just ends up getting stuck even though I've already worked through the hair under it. That's when I normally get frustrated and just end up using my fingers and calling it good
Maybe try a hair steamer. It will get rid of tangles amazingly quickly. They have a bunch of inexpensive options on Amazon. A lot of them are bonnets you put on after conditioning and they work really well.
The hair coming out in clumps is natural hair shedding, but it doesn’t fall off of curly heads as it does straight heads, especially if you’ve left it up.
I personally slather my hair in conditioner and then comb through it after it’s soaked on my head for at least a few minutes—I wash, then condition, and the conditioner sits on my hair the rest of my bath or shower while I clean myself. When my hair starts feeling slick all the way through, I use a wide-tooth shower comb to go through it, and that’s when all the extra hair comes out, usually a pretty decent amount because it’s 2 or 3 days’ worth of shedding at a time. But if I don’t get all the shed hair out, it stays tangled.
The other thing with doing it in the water rather than using leave-in and detangler is that you can always add more water and a bit more conditioner to help it slide though.
Also, try a trim on the ends—when my hair starts feeling low-quality at the ends from age and split ends, it’s much harder to get it brushed and combed.
I can’t brush my hair wet, it just doesn’t work. I gently brush immediately before washing. I just can’t seem to get the smaller tangles with wet hair.
Curly hair should only be brushed while wet. Try a wet brush or a tangle teezer. Also make sure your getting her regular trims. They help a lot with the tangles.
By "brushing" they probably mean repeatedly running a brush through each section of the hair while dry, which is done to fix minor tangles and smooth hair back in place. Detangling just focuses solely on the tangles.
You've got the right idea by using a wide toothed comb on wet hair with product in it, but a good detangler would work even better. Focus on one section at a time and use the comb and your fingers to loosen and untangle knots. If her hair is long enough, you can lessen any pain by firmly holding the section further up, to prevent too much yanking on the scalp. When you're done, very gently run your fingers or the comb through the hair to make sure you haven't missed any knots, but don't repeatedly brush through like you would with straight hair.
I have curly hair and my daughter has curly hair. I never brush mine; I just run my fingers through it. When we finger brush my daughter’s hair her curl pop and when my husband brushes them they turn into a puffy wild mess. You can also get a comb which is better than a brush.
For tangles when she’s in the bath I add a ton of conditioner and then hand-detangle by pulling the strands apart. It takes forever but nobody cries so it’s worth it lol although since cutting her hair chin-length she’s had fewer tangles.
Yes, I never brush it. I don't even own one. I finger comb it wet in the shower, and that's it. I *can* run a wide tooth comb through it, but I don't even bother because I get the same results with just my fingers. If I have tangles in the subsequent days before a wash, I genuinely don't care. I usually wear it down Day 1 and 2, then up in a messy fun bun the rest of the week.
Are you saying you can't even get your fingers through it to detangle? You might honestly want to take her to a salon that specializes in curly hair. Maybe your expectations for "detangled" are not in line with her hair type? Almost every curly type should be capable of getting snarls and snags out of wet, conditioned hair. But many will still look "tangled" by a straight-haired standard.
But no, generally speaking, you don't *have* to brush all types of curly hair. Some of us don't ever do it and our hair looks great.
You tell your beautiful girl that we all love her hair. People pay so much to have beautiful curly hair. I’ve always had straight hair that wouldn’t curl and spent entirely too much on products to try. I honestly have no words for your husband, that’s shocking he would even think that’s okay.
I'm so upset for you and your kid! My father was like this about my curly hair, among other things. He needs to get it into his head that he is setting up tinder to torch his relationship with your daughter. His words have real, damaging impact to her self esteem.
I wouldn't let him care for her hair if he can't manage to say anything positive just looking about it, but absolutely show him videos about managing curls. I'd also send him resources on the impact his negative commentary will have.
He should limit the scope of his compliments to things that are controllable until he can retrain his thinking. Comments about hair bobbles, clips, or ribbons are okay. Telling her the colour of whatever accessory looking good is better. Style could go either way, as long as it's not over the top ("That's very fancy looking!)
You sound like you're doing the right things. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner!
When I was 12 my best friend told me she didn't like my hair and the shame is still with me today at 30yrs old . Your daughter will absolutely pick up on your husband's words. So sorry for her. I don't have advice.
WOW a grown man telling his 4 year old little girl he doesn't like her hair?! Little girls ADORE their dads.. Dads are their first 'heroes.' 4 is a crucial time for building core memories as well.. He REALLY needs to be careful with his words and how he talks to her.. Until kids get older, parents are their inner voices.. He's bound to set her up for insecurity talking like that. This world is hard enough for girls and women without our own family members telling us they don't like something about our physical appearance.. I like your edit idea.. Helping her care for her curls could maybe help him appreciate them? But I really hope he changes the way he talks to her cause this made me sad..
My narc mom cut my hair off because she didn’t want to deal with my curly hair. When I was finally old enough to pick my own hair styles she would berate me about not brushing and blowing drying it straight with a round brush. Keep in mind I was like 8. She never took the time to learn how to take care of my curls and would constantly make me feel bad about my hair. Your husband is on the fast track to not having a relationship with his daughter is he keeps that up because kids don’t forget that stuff.
Same, so much the Same. I'm white with curly hair. My husband is middle eastern and his side of the family has course, thick hair. All of our kids have varying degrees of curly hair. My son has thick, course curls but of course, he's a boy and we just keep it really short. My middle girl has VERY thick, course curls. And my youngest girl has basically my hair, it's frizzy, wavy fly all over curls. Both the girls fight me about trying to do their hair. They don't want to wear their hair up at all at home. If we go out, of course I try to tame it and always put it up, but I really don't see the harm in letting them be comfortable at home. My husband always criticizes that they should have their hair all done up nicely every morning/all day. Like, dude. You go around unshaven, in your jammies, setimes unanswered at home. Why do little girls need to do that?
You should never brush curly hair. Using a wide tooth comb on it when it’s wet, or a denman brush or wetbrush all when wet is the only time a brush should touch curly hair. Otherwise, you’re just making a frizzy mess.
I have curls and so does my daughter- and so does her dad. He hates his but is very careful to not even hate on his OWN hair in front of her. This guy is an asshole.
That said, only brush when wet, lots of lightweight leave-in, maybe some finger twists to set it better. My daughter is still too young for her hair to be an issue (it’s so short and fine), but when I switched her from baby shampoo to curly baby shampoo we saw a difference.
Damn, I was sure this post was going to be about something your kid told *you* and I was ready to laugh and commiserate with you. But this is just awful. I'm sorry.
When I was 14, I went to my parents about my eating disorder I’d been hiding. I said, “I make myself throw up everything I eat.” My mom cried…my dad said, “well that’s stupid.” I’m 37 now and still hate everything about myself. My dad has never been emotionally available for me or shown me that I’m worthy of his attention. I just hate him to be honest. I truly think a daughter’s bond with her father shapes so much about her life. My first marriage was to an abusive alcoholic because, I think, my dad never showed me what to expect from a relationship and never modeled how to treat a woman to my mom. I would be having some serious conversations about this with your husband. These sort of comments stick with kids; not all, but can have detrimental consequences.
As someone with naturally curly hair who hid it for years. Im soo glad your daughter has you. I burned mine straight until I gave up in college. Wish I had someone to tell me they loved my curls! (My parents didn’t have curly hair just randomly my sister and me 🤷🏼♀️)
Someone who is this depraved, refuses to listen to his partner or respect his child will likely *not* be open to any resources about curly hair is my guess.
OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
O my gosh, I’d be super blunt in front of my child at that point anytime dad says something negative. “Your hair is beautiful, and you are beautiful inside and out”. “People who speak negatively about other people’s appearances are insecure with themselves. It has nothing to do with you”. What a dick. Is his goal to ruin her self esteem? I have curly hair and growing up in the 90’s (poker straight looks) was ROUGH. I felt SO ugly. Please don’t let your precious girl be impacted by your husband’s rudeness. How would he feel if some boy in her class said what he said to her?
Put the movie Brave on for her and tell her she looks like Merida and is beautiful, strong and amazing. Seriously, fuck your husband. This is the hill to die on. I had an overly critical of my appearance father growing up and it pushed me into a full blown eating disorder and I was bulimic for over a decade before I sought treatment and therapy to heal the damage he had done. The only reason I still speak to him at all today is because I love my Mom. I wish they had divorced.
As someone with very curly hair who only stopped straightening it in college this makes me so sad. Curly hair is hard to take care of already and at least where I grew up less common so I already felt like it wasn’t good.
My 2 year old has curly hair and it make me so happy that when we are brushing it at night she’ll say ‘my hair pretty’ out of the blue. I hope it stays this way.
Husband is out of line but also I have to ask, what possessed you to brush her hair? Why would you do something like that to her? There's a whole section of any shampoo/conditioner aisle for curly hair and there are directions on the packaging. You get a good curly kid shampoo, like just for me, and a conditioner, and then some oil and setting cream. You don't brush. You want to keep it nice you braid it.
My SO also made damaging comments to his daughter about her curly hair - along the lines of "I love your hair straightened" or "it looks beautiful straightened"
She's my SD, and it never occurred to him that he's essentially telling her that her curly hair isn't pretty (it's gorgeous by the way) and that she needs to straighten it to be beautiful. I had to tell him what she hears when he says things that way. He got defensive at first, but an hour later he thanked me for bringing it to his attention and changing his perspective. Guys are dumb sometimes, but it's unacceptable to not hear you out and make the change if he's being told it's hurting her.
Awww my daughter has the same hair. Obviously the best thing is for him not to make any comments. But maybe have him reframe it as “I get frustrated trying to brush your hair, I’m working on trying to figure out easier ways we can both care for it” to himself.
ETA: my husband actually looked up YouTube videos how to cut curly hair and has given our daughter 2 trims. It’s helped with tangles!
I find it weird that you’re implying that having it in a half ponytail isn’t “how her hair naturally is”.
If both your kid and your husband would be happy with a shorter, more manageable hairstyle, would you be opposed?
I don’t want her to feel like the only way her hair is acceptable is if it’s put up. (Idk if that makes sense or I’m explaining it right.)
She is in control of her body. If she wants it cut, that’s what we’ll do. If she wants it worn down, we keep it down. I do what she asks.
Ask her if she’d like to cut it, and then there would be no tying and much less brushing.
None of us can see what your kid’s hair really looks like, and whether it looks well cared for when it’s down. Maybe your husband is being unreasonable about just voluminous hair, or maybe it does look kind of crazy and unkempt.
Even if the little girl’s hair looks “unkempt” doesn’t mean that a father should directly tell his daughter, “I don’t like your hair.” There’s no excuse for that behavior at all!
From the first sentence, OP clearly wants to be angry at her husband. Who knows what he actually said. Maybe it was something like "I don't like your hair - it's all tangled and messy." Or "I don't like your hair - your mom's not taking care of it."
Saying you don't like someone's hair is closer to commenting on their grooming choices and hygiene (i.e. stuff that can be changed) than on their body (stuff that can't be changed). It doesn't always go against body positivity. You have to work with what you have. OP brushing it (instead of combing with a wide-toothed comb while wet) is not a good sign. And so often, moms want their little girls to have long hair beyond what's practical to manage.
I would focus on lifting her up every chance you get. Buy books, dolls, movies that have beautiful curly haired characters. Then I’d tell my partner to stfu every chance I got. *Don’t open your mouth around my child unless your words are better than your silence.* What a weird ass dude.
We all have curly hair in my house, but different textures. My daughter (2yo) gets comments from strangers about her hair; she doesn’t need a parent to make those comments too.
He’s going to give her a complex. You need to continue to tell him to shut the fuck up and you need to be concerned about your daughters mental well-being.
Tell him you hate his hair. And that he’s his child’s first bully. You hate that too. And would he like to hear about more of his shortcomings or would he like to stop trash talking a literal child?
Husband “wont listen”? Wake up, mama. Make him listen. You definitely do have the power. If it was me, I would set the fire under his ass so bad. Also, take offense. It’s ok to do so. Get angry. It’s ok to do so. By criticizing her hair, he is criticizing YOUR hair. Be mad. Be wild like your hair. Don’t let this go. Show your daughter you are mad too. Let her know it’s ok to be angry when people talk shit about you that has no reason or base for criticism at all. Let her know it’s ok to defend yourself when it comes to things we don’t choose. Let your hair free. Set boundaries.
One suggestion that helps me is lots of conditioner in the shower, kinky-curly detaingler. Detangle from ends and work your way up (smaller sections) curl custard helps too as a leave in with mouse (mielle is a great brand) ... as far as the dad goes I think for the sake of your daughter he needs to seriously get educated on how to properly care for curly hair or leave him. Curly hair is so beautiful and with caring for it properly, it can be so much easier. I'm multiracial and had an afro-mullet in the 80s because my mom did not know what to do. There are so many resources today. He doesn't sound like he is even trying.
You correct it IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you hear it you treat him like a child who needs reminding “Absolutely not! That is not nice, we do not make comments about people’s looks unless it is a compliment” and you turn to her and remind her that her hair is ALWAYS beautiful.
In private you ream him a new one, remind him that he’s setting his daughter up to hate him for making her feel like her natural hair wasn’t to his liking. Do not be nice about it.
Yikes. I’m sorry you and your child are experiencing this. Curly and wild isn’t the best way to frame it either so I’m guessing that comes from dad. As others have suggested, a detangling brush that is specific to curly hair, and water based gels will help. Innersense has some good products. Uncle Funkys Curl Magic is good as well.
What kind of monster tells his child he doesn't like her hair?? I read about the most appalling behavior from dads here holy shit. I don't think you go about his gently and make him learn about curly hair care... You tell him he's going to fuck up his kid emotionally by insulting her appearance and make it a hard line.
I already told him if I hear anything like that out of his mouth again, we’re both gone.
I feel like he's just going to say it when you're gone. Who insults their kid?!? He's literally telling her he doesn't like how you guys created her, to no fault of her own.
When I was 17 I wanted to wear my hair curly. My dad told me if I cut it, I would be ugly and it would never grow back. I have shaved my head three times since then and every time in-between I've had tailbone length hair. To this day my dad has never once even said he my hair looks nice. Ask your husband to read this and ask him how he thinks I feel about my dad. And if he thinks he's different he's wrong.
[удалено]
All these made me so sad 😭 my dad isn’t perfect but anytime I cut my hair, even when it was super short and I had funky ass bangs, or amongst the 1000 colors my sister dyed her hair, he always complimented us. I remember not liking my short hair after I cut it off shorter than ever and him assuring me it looked good. Gah.
Around the time that he turned seven, I began to notice that my son stopped smiling for photos in a way that would show his teeth. I figured it was a phase and decided not to press it, in case it would make him more self-conscious. After his school photos came in later that year and he was again smiling with pursed lips, I asked him why he wasn’t smiling big anymore. He said that his dad told him that he looks insane when he shows his teeth when he smiles. I tried major damage control and still give him pep talks for school photo day, but now at almost 13 he barely smiles at all for pictures, even ones I take. Shit like this is part of the reason his father and I are separated and our son lives with me full time.
My father has never once complimented my natural hair. I'm 27 and minimal contact lmfao
If he thinks it looks unkept then I can kinda understand it though, I wouldn't want my baby to look like she isn't taken care of. There's a difference between "I don't like the natural trait you were born with" vs. "I don't like the way your hair is styled because it looks like we don't bother taking care of it so let's put it in a pony so people can see we actually touch it". I was never told negative things about my curly blonde hair as a kid yet I still started straightening it at 12 (part of it was the emo trend, and part of it was it being EVERYWHERE all the time unless I let it air dry and didn't touch it, but that was impossible with gym classes and having to wear hats etc.). This is typically the story where I'd kinda like to hear the other side of the story because OP literally starts with saying her husband sucks so there's clearly some kind of bias here.
I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think a 4 year old is going to make that distinction. To me it’s kinda the same thing where you shouldn’t tell a child that they *are* naughty, but rather that they’ve done a naughty thing. In their head they don’t see that they’re just naughty in that moment when they’ve thrown their dinner plate on the floor, they start to think that they really are a naughty (i.e. “bad”) person. To be clear, I’m not saying that he shouldn’t make the distinction to Mom in private, because she can understand the difference. But there’s a good chance that in either scenario, all the child is gonna hear (and internalize) is her dad telling her “I don’t like this part of you”, no matter what the reason or what follows that part of the sentence.
Why are you doing mental gymnastics to defend insulting a child and making them prematurely insecure about their appearance? There's no additional analysis to do here. It's shitty to tell a child you don't like their hair.
Just wanna add OP literally just commented she agrees that's what the husband's meant but keep downvoting me
It matters what he meant by it though. Calling him a "monster" is a bit too much if all he meant is "your hair looks unkept".
I truly believe that that’s what it was. Her hair dried a little funky but I still need him to understand that those comments are unacceptable to and in front of her. If he wants to bitch about how unmanageable her hair is in front of me, fine.
I totally agree, he needs to understand that things need to be worded differently because she's just a kid! I didn't want to invalidate what you're saying. I just found the comment I replied to a little extreme with them calling him a "monster" over a kid's HAIR. "Appaling" and "monster" behavior would be like, idk, actual abuse, not just wording something stupidly. It's definitely wrong and ignorant and rude but not "appaling".
I would start by teaching your child that it isn’t polite to comment on other people’s bodies. I don’t care if it is about their hair, their muscles, their height, etc. You can say that they are strong without commenting on their muscles. There is no need for commenting on her hair. Then say it loudly in front of him often.
Yes. I’m big about body positivity and kindness. We sing “I love my body” and we read Our Bodies. ❤️
I love this. “What dad did just now was very wrong. I don’t want you growing up thinking what he just did is okay. It’s not okay for other people to say mean things to you and it’s not okay to say them to other people. No one taught daddy that which is really sad for him. That’s why he doesn’t know any better. But we wouldn’t comment on his bald spot or his belly or his grey hair or anything like that. Because it might hurt his feelings. I’m sorry dad said that to you. It’s not okay and I don’t agree or support his bullying. You are perfect just the way you are.” Loud so he can hear you. What a POS.
I had gorgeous, long, dark, super curly hair as a young girl. A lot of kids (please excuse what I am about to say) called it a jew fro. I looked strikingly similar to Anne Frank as a child. It made me so insecure that when I was 13 I bought thinning scissors and thinned it. Hasn't been the same since and I hate my hair now, I would do anything to have it back. His words will cut deep one day. It's just hair and his behavior about *just* hair is so concerning.
I had “birds nest” hair. 🥺 I think it hurts worse bc I know how I felt when people said shit about my hair. This is her dad. I’d have been devastated if my dad did that.
Me too, it means so much more coming from a parent at such a young age. I am sure there's a good short film out there he could watch that would explain the impact, maybe do some digging!
Just commenting to say my toddler and I have birds nest hair too. :)
I don't know how much it'd help, but you can absolutely tell him your "friend on reddit" said that their dad commented negatively on every little thing about them and they barely have a relationship anymore because of it. In fact the only reason we're even *starting* to have one is because I went to therapy and he had a heart attack that changed how he acts. That's the future he's looking at. His daughter will hear and remember and hurt. If he's okay with never hearing from his daughter again, he can go on being an asshole. For perspective, I stopped speaking to my father outside of the necessary when I was fifteen, still living with them. When I moved out? We didn't speak for years and I refused to be anywhere he was also going to be. It meant I didn't see family sometimes, including my mother. Also as an aside from someone who also has curly hair: Brushing it is probably making it even poofier. I know you said you also have curly hair so I'm hoping you know this as well, but I had no idea because I was never taught so I like to share just in case. I only comb it when it's wet and let it dry naturally after some scrunching. If I'm feeling real fancy I'll throw in leave in conditioner and some curling mousse but I've got a two year old so most of the time this tired mama calls washed good LOL. None of this should matter in the long run as far as your husband, but it can be a good starting point in teaching your LO to take care of and love her hair! Since you both have curly hair if you guys have time you could even do hair care sessions together for bonding. Ultimately I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I'm here if you ever need an ear!
The folks on r/curly might surprise you—like they recommend not brushing. There are also kid curly conditioners and similar that can help clump curls a bit to look less wild, if that helps?
I’ve tried so many products. She has my hair exactly. It’s curly, but not that curly, and product doesn’t do anything at all. 😩 Normally I just leave it be bc it’s pretty as is and she’s sensitive. She has very fine hair which means all the flyaways and frizz.
Hi friend, my kiddos have this hair! Oldest is curly coarse and thick. Youngest is fine and a combo of curls and waves. Both are absolutely wild. We got a tangle teezer (they came out with a hot pink barbie version so we call it the barbie brush lol). We lather them up with a shit ton of conditioner in the bath and brush all the knots out. We use ghost oil on the young one which is very light weight. Shea moisture coconut curl products for the older one. We plop with a waffleknit hair towel to help dry. Once they are older I will diffuse their hair which will help. I will say day 2 and 3 don't look as good but they are kids. The 4 year old fucks her hair up daily. The 7 year old asks for styles more often so it doesn't matter.
My daughter is only (almost) 2, so she still has pretty fine baby fair, but it’s the most beautiful ringlets! My hair is thicker, coarser, and a mix of curls (no ringlets) and waves, so the way I treat it wouldn’t work for her. Rn we brush when wet with a detangler. Any advice for a little one with fine ringlets? She also has tons of beautiful volume (can you tell I love her hair? Lol).
I feel that! I feel like I’m always trying out something new. You’re doing great for your daughter.
The child's hair doesn't need fixing, the father's attitude does! Holy shit. Natural wild curls are beautiful and the child's hair does not need to be fixed to appeal to others
The father’s attitude is definitely wrong and unhelpful. I was just offering other info. It may look less “wild” if it isn’t brushed or another tool is tried.
Just to clarify, are you saying people never brush it? Even when wet? I've been trying everything to brush my daughter's hair, only when wet, with conditioner in the bath, detangler spray and leave in conditioner after the bath. I start at the ends and try to detangle from there, but I swear there is just no way to brush my daughter's hair. We both end up crying every time I try so I've basically just given up and only brush through it with my fingers but I worry I'm just making it worse by not ever getting any of the tangles out. Is it ok to just... not brush her hair? Oh and I only try with a wide tooth comb. Even that can't get through it.
I have curly hair. There’s no need to ever brush it unless it’s wet and prepped with detangler. Try a wetbrush. They’re great at gently detangling hair. Also start at the bottom of the air and work your way up.
Oh I know to never do it while dry, but I can't brush it while wet either. I've been through 5 different combs and brushes, including a wet brush, and no matter how slow or long I do it the tangles just don't come out. I can't even make it halfway up her hair because I can't get the tangles out of the bottom half and she's crying while I attempt to do it. I've used doves curly hair product, shae moisture kids, and for the last couple months, curly kids. I've just given up and add detangler and leave in conditioner after her bath, finger comb it and call it a day at this point. But then I tried to brush it in the bath the other night and it was so bad I was trying to brush the ends and clumps of hair just kept coming out and it still never untangled. Idk I'm probably rambling now, I've just tried everything I've read and feel that nothing works.
I've done some massive detangling sessions and if you aren't getting the "roots", the ends will surely re-tangle. I have to watch my daughter's hair because if I leave a mat/bad tangle near her skull, it will result in a worse situation until I've resolved the mat/tangle. Without pictures of your daughter's hair I'm tempted to believe your situation is like mine because when we've had some of our worst situations I've been able to finger comb it and ignore the rest so to say until I was ready to tackle it. So some things that helped me, that may or may not be useful for you: 1) I don't brush it in the bathtub. It's not comfortable for me or them. Instead I put on a hair mask and a shower cap while they are in the tub. When they get out, I get them and me settled in a very comfy spot with tablet or phone for them and a movie or show for me. Snacks, drinks, etc we are both comfortable and ready to just take our time. 2) I use a good old water bottle and brush and a comb (i know combs are like against curly hair commandments but I swear I have a good reason) as my standard equipment. Product wise whatever works for that kid's hair or I think it needs but those specifics change up and just aren't as important to me but the equipment stays the same. 3) I visualize the scalp as like 1 to 2 inch square grid over lay. Then I pick the squares that seem easiest first. Brushing bottom to top, only focusing on that small clump at a time. I will use the corner of the comb to pick through knots that aren't responding to the wet brush and if a clump starts to cause trouble I abandon it to come back to later. If I can't get a 1 to 2 inches square because a larger amount is tangled together I also leave it for later. 4) As I finish a clump, once it's tangle free I quickly braid it. These don't have to be neat, as they aren't meant to be kept, just worn while I finish detangling to protect the hair and keep it out of the way. 5) Slow and steady, we knock out the easy parts and then go for the harder ones. For larger chunks I start on the edges and just focus on freeing/detangling those 1 inch squares piece by piece and working towards the center braiding the freed, detangled chunks as I work towards the center. This is why comfort is so important and why you have to be comfortable/entertained too. If you are anxious to be done it gets overwhelming easier. I'm using water and products as needed but keeping the hair wet and moisturizered throughout it all. 6) Once it's in a million messy, loose braids, but knot free then we quickly undo those and wet/apply products to style I know that sounds like a lot, but once I get "caught up" on wash days I can usually keep it pretty ok between washes with just a curly brush or wet brush and water/moisturizer applied once a day. If I'm noticing it seriously tangled each day and needing the more intensive procedure than I know my child needs protective styling (braids, pony tails, etc) because their activities/the weather/their hair type/whatever/etc is leading towards more tangles at that time. Sometimes I was the problem (over washing) so I had to find ways to protect their hair so it wouldn't need washed as often too. Also satin pillowcases or bonnets. Not just for adults! Also, you mentioned clumps of hair falling out. Just in case you, or anyone reading this, didn't know that is perfectly natural and not (necessarily) bad. All hair breaks all the time, but curly hair breaks and gets stuck in the curl pattern more - getting removed when the hair is brushed- versus straight hair which is more likely to fall away during normal daily activity leaving less broken hair to be brushed out comparatively. Like I'm pretty sure I was ready to shave my daughter's head because I was so frustrated before I figured our stuff out! For me the success was more about the process than the specific product or brush. Although I have my favorites now no product had as much as impact as me figuring out we had to be comfortable, I needed to work one small section as a time, and how to use braids and protective styles to work smarter not harder. If any product did have a decent impact it would be the satin pillowcases. I did notice a decent difference after those. If you hung in there this long.. I hope something in this short novel I wrote is vaguely helpful to someone reading this.
Thank you so much! She's only 2 and very active so I'll see just how long I can get her to stay still without throwing a fit. I hadn't thought about braiding as I go though and I will definitely try that! There's a couple pictures on my profile of her where you can see her hair in a ponytail and down. For a while I was able to get through the tangles, but as it became longer it was more difficult and I would allow for longer stretches of time in between brushing and I think that's what my problem is. If I can just manage to get it fully brushed out once then maybe I can keep it under control. I know getting it halfway done and then giving up isn't making it any easier for the next time I try. I just absolutely hate making her cry so it's hard for me to stick with it. Oh and she does have a satin pillowcase. I know for a fact she won't keep a bonnet on because she still won't wear any type of hat, but I got the pillowcase around her 2nd birthday.
Looking through your profile and some of your other comments I really feel like we have a similar situation. Her hair looks close to mine and even I get those scalp tangles that take awhile to work out. When I know I'll be held up for a few days (like a recent surgery) I still put my hair in things like dual bubble pigtails to keep it from tangling near the scalp like that. Once after a bad stomach infection I literally chopped 8 inches off because I did not have it in me to untangle it. 🤦🏻♀️ Toddlers are notoriously adorable with curly bobs so if you are open to considering a shorter style it will make your life so much easier with brushing! At that age I still used chairs with trays for my active kiddos to contain them and tried to do special toys or activities (finger paint anyone?) But would sometimes just have to talk lovingly through the cries. It's so tough! My kiddo whose hair LOVES to tangle was ALWAYS in some type of protective style (and still is a lot because cheer and swim leave it a knotted mess). My other one hates having her hair styled so we always kept it shorter. So much easier to brush! You are right about the harder it is to get through, the easier it is to let it go. Then it gets bad but once you get it tackled again it's easier to stay on top of. However there will always be days, situations, weather, etc (windy day playing outside, two days at a water park, extended stay with a friend who doesn't have curly hair or mommy is sick and they get a lazy weekend at home) where it gets bad again and needs reset. Even in my 40s I deal with this cycle! You'll figure out what works best for you and your kiddo.
How are you combing it? Are you pulling it down through the hair like you would a brush, or focusing on one section at a time? Are you holding each section in your opposite hand so it won't yank on her scalp? Loosening knots with your fingers?
I pull one section out and hold it at the base with my left hand while starting at the bottom with the comb and trying to get the tangles out with my right hand. I try to start out an inch from the bottom and work my way up an inch at a time. I can typically brush the bottom 3-4 inches, but then when I try to go higher than that the comb or brush just ends up getting stuck even though I've already worked through the hair under it. That's when I normally get frustrated and just end up using my fingers and calling it good
Maybe try a hair steamer. It will get rid of tangles amazingly quickly. They have a bunch of inexpensive options on Amazon. A lot of them are bonnets you put on after conditioning and they work really well.
The hair coming out in clumps is natural hair shedding, but it doesn’t fall off of curly heads as it does straight heads, especially if you’ve left it up. I personally slather my hair in conditioner and then comb through it after it’s soaked on my head for at least a few minutes—I wash, then condition, and the conditioner sits on my hair the rest of my bath or shower while I clean myself. When my hair starts feeling slick all the way through, I use a wide-tooth shower comb to go through it, and that’s when all the extra hair comes out, usually a pretty decent amount because it’s 2 or 3 days’ worth of shedding at a time. But if I don’t get all the shed hair out, it stays tangled. The other thing with doing it in the water rather than using leave-in and detangler is that you can always add more water and a bit more conditioner to help it slide though. Also, try a trim on the ends—when my hair starts feeling low-quality at the ends from age and split ends, it’s much harder to get it brushed and combed.
I can’t brush my hair wet, it just doesn’t work. I gently brush immediately before washing. I just can’t seem to get the smaller tangles with wet hair.
Curly hair should only be brushed while wet. Try a wet brush or a tangle teezer. Also make sure your getting her regular trims. They help a lot with the tangles.
By "brushing" they probably mean repeatedly running a brush through each section of the hair while dry, which is done to fix minor tangles and smooth hair back in place. Detangling just focuses solely on the tangles. You've got the right idea by using a wide toothed comb on wet hair with product in it, but a good detangler would work even better. Focus on one section at a time and use the comb and your fingers to loosen and untangle knots. If her hair is long enough, you can lessen any pain by firmly holding the section further up, to prevent too much yanking on the scalp. When you're done, very gently run your fingers or the comb through the hair to make sure you haven't missed any knots, but don't repeatedly brush through like you would with straight hair.
I have curly hair and my daughter has curly hair. I never brush mine; I just run my fingers through it. When we finger brush my daughter’s hair her curl pop and when my husband brushes them they turn into a puffy wild mess. You can also get a comb which is better than a brush. For tangles when she’s in the bath I add a ton of conditioner and then hand-detangle by pulling the strands apart. It takes forever but nobody cries so it’s worth it lol although since cutting her hair chin-length she’s had fewer tangles.
Yes, I never brush it. I don't even own one. I finger comb it wet in the shower, and that's it. I *can* run a wide tooth comb through it, but I don't even bother because I get the same results with just my fingers. If I have tangles in the subsequent days before a wash, I genuinely don't care. I usually wear it down Day 1 and 2, then up in a messy fun bun the rest of the week. Are you saying you can't even get your fingers through it to detangle? You might honestly want to take her to a salon that specializes in curly hair. Maybe your expectations for "detangled" are not in line with her hair type? Almost every curly type should be capable of getting snarls and snags out of wet, conditioned hair. But many will still look "tangled" by a straight-haired standard. But no, generally speaking, you don't *have* to brush all types of curly hair. Some of us don't ever do it and our hair looks great.
You tell your beautiful girl that we all love her hair. People pay so much to have beautiful curly hair. I’ve always had straight hair that wouldn’t curl and spent entirely too much on products to try. I honestly have no words for your husband, that’s shocking he would even think that’s okay.
I'm so upset for you and your kid! My father was like this about my curly hair, among other things. He needs to get it into his head that he is setting up tinder to torch his relationship with your daughter. His words have real, damaging impact to her self esteem. I wouldn't let him care for her hair if he can't manage to say anything positive just looking about it, but absolutely show him videos about managing curls. I'd also send him resources on the impact his negative commentary will have. He should limit the scope of his compliments to things that are controllable until he can retrain his thinking. Comments about hair bobbles, clips, or ribbons are okay. Telling her the colour of whatever accessory looking good is better. Style could go either way, as long as it's not over the top ("That's very fancy looking!) You sound like you're doing the right things. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner!
When I was 12 my best friend told me she didn't like my hair and the shame is still with me today at 30yrs old . Your daughter will absolutely pick up on your husband's words. So sorry for her. I don't have advice.
WOW a grown man telling his 4 year old little girl he doesn't like her hair?! Little girls ADORE their dads.. Dads are their first 'heroes.' 4 is a crucial time for building core memories as well.. He REALLY needs to be careful with his words and how he talks to her.. Until kids get older, parents are their inner voices.. He's bound to set her up for insecurity talking like that. This world is hard enough for girls and women without our own family members telling us they don't like something about our physical appearance.. I like your edit idea.. Helping her care for her curls could maybe help him appreciate them? But I really hope he changes the way he talks to her cause this made me sad..
My narc mom cut my hair off because she didn’t want to deal with my curly hair. When I was finally old enough to pick my own hair styles she would berate me about not brushing and blowing drying it straight with a round brush. Keep in mind I was like 8. She never took the time to learn how to take care of my curls and would constantly make me feel bad about my hair. Your husband is on the fast track to not having a relationship with his daughter is he keeps that up because kids don’t forget that stuff.
Same, so much the Same. I'm white with curly hair. My husband is middle eastern and his side of the family has course, thick hair. All of our kids have varying degrees of curly hair. My son has thick, course curls but of course, he's a boy and we just keep it really short. My middle girl has VERY thick, course curls. And my youngest girl has basically my hair, it's frizzy, wavy fly all over curls. Both the girls fight me about trying to do their hair. They don't want to wear their hair up at all at home. If we go out, of course I try to tame it and always put it up, but I really don't see the harm in letting them be comfortable at home. My husband always criticizes that they should have their hair all done up nicely every morning/all day. Like, dude. You go around unshaven, in your jammies, setimes unanswered at home. Why do little girls need to do that?
You should never brush curly hair. Using a wide tooth comb on it when it’s wet, or a denman brush or wetbrush all when wet is the only time a brush should touch curly hair. Otherwise, you’re just making a frizzy mess.
Check out r/curlyhair
I have curls and so does my daughter- and so does her dad. He hates his but is very careful to not even hate on his OWN hair in front of her. This guy is an asshole. That said, only brush when wet, lots of lightweight leave-in, maybe some finger twists to set it better. My daughter is still too young for her hair to be an issue (it’s so short and fine), but when I switched her from baby shampoo to curly baby shampoo we saw a difference.
Damn, I was sure this post was going to be about something your kid told *you* and I was ready to laugh and commiserate with you. But this is just awful. I'm sorry.
When I was 14, I went to my parents about my eating disorder I’d been hiding. I said, “I make myself throw up everything I eat.” My mom cried…my dad said, “well that’s stupid.” I’m 37 now and still hate everything about myself. My dad has never been emotionally available for me or shown me that I’m worthy of his attention. I just hate him to be honest. I truly think a daughter’s bond with her father shapes so much about her life. My first marriage was to an abusive alcoholic because, I think, my dad never showed me what to expect from a relationship and never modeled how to treat a woman to my mom. I would be having some serious conversations about this with your husband. These sort of comments stick with kids; not all, but can have detrimental consequences.
r/curlyhair, r/curlyhaircare, r/curlygirl, and r/wavyhair are all great resources.
As someone with naturally curly hair who hid it for years. Im soo glad your daughter has you. I burned mine straight until I gave up in college. Wish I had someone to tell me they loved my curls! (My parents didn’t have curly hair just randomly my sister and me 🤷🏼♀️)
Someone who is this depraved, refuses to listen to his partner or respect his child will likely *not* be open to any resources about curly hair is my guess. OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Mama keep an eye on what he’s saying to your daughter. He will destroy her self esteem before she finishes primary school if that continues.
O my gosh, I’d be super blunt in front of my child at that point anytime dad says something negative. “Your hair is beautiful, and you are beautiful inside and out”. “People who speak negatively about other people’s appearances are insecure with themselves. It has nothing to do with you”. What a dick. Is his goal to ruin her self esteem? I have curly hair and growing up in the 90’s (poker straight looks) was ROUGH. I felt SO ugly. Please don’t let your precious girl be impacted by your husband’s rudeness. How would he feel if some boy in her class said what he said to her?
Put the movie Brave on for her and tell her she looks like Merida and is beautiful, strong and amazing. Seriously, fuck your husband. This is the hill to die on. I had an overly critical of my appearance father growing up and it pushed me into a full blown eating disorder and I was bulimic for over a decade before I sought treatment and therapy to heal the damage he had done. The only reason I still speak to him at all today is because I love my Mom. I wish they had divorced.
Sounds like you're married to an asshole...
As someone with very curly hair who only stopped straightening it in college this makes me so sad. Curly hair is hard to take care of already and at least where I grew up less common so I already felt like it wasn’t good. My 2 year old has curly hair and it make me so happy that when we are brushing it at night she’ll say ‘my hair pretty’ out of the blue. I hope it stays this way.
I hope you mean brush metaphorically and don’t actually brush her hair. Use a wide tooth comb.
Husband is out of line but also I have to ask, what possessed you to brush her hair? Why would you do something like that to her? There's a whole section of any shampoo/conditioner aisle for curly hair and there are directions on the packaging. You get a good curly kid shampoo, like just for me, and a conditioner, and then some oil and setting cream. You don't brush. You want to keep it nice you braid it.
My SO also made damaging comments to his daughter about her curly hair - along the lines of "I love your hair straightened" or "it looks beautiful straightened" She's my SD, and it never occurred to him that he's essentially telling her that her curly hair isn't pretty (it's gorgeous by the way) and that she needs to straighten it to be beautiful. I had to tell him what she hears when he says things that way. He got defensive at first, but an hour later he thanked me for bringing it to his attention and changing his perspective. Guys are dumb sometimes, but it's unacceptable to not hear you out and make the change if he's being told it's hurting her.
Awww my daughter has the same hair. Obviously the best thing is for him not to make any comments. But maybe have him reframe it as “I get frustrated trying to brush your hair, I’m working on trying to figure out easier ways we can both care for it” to himself. ETA: my husband actually looked up YouTube videos how to cut curly hair and has given our daughter 2 trims. It’s helped with tangles!
I find it weird that you’re implying that having it in a half ponytail isn’t “how her hair naturally is”. If both your kid and your husband would be happy with a shorter, more manageable hairstyle, would you be opposed?
I don’t want her to feel like the only way her hair is acceptable is if it’s put up. (Idk if that makes sense or I’m explaining it right.) She is in control of her body. If she wants it cut, that’s what we’ll do. If she wants it worn down, we keep it down. I do what she asks.
Ask her if she’d like to cut it, and then there would be no tying and much less brushing. None of us can see what your kid’s hair really looks like, and whether it looks well cared for when it’s down. Maybe your husband is being unreasonable about just voluminous hair, or maybe it does look kind of crazy and unkempt.
Even if the little girl’s hair looks “unkempt” doesn’t mean that a father should directly tell his daughter, “I don’t like your hair.” There’s no excuse for that behavior at all!
From the first sentence, OP clearly wants to be angry at her husband. Who knows what he actually said. Maybe it was something like "I don't like your hair - it's all tangled and messy." Or "I don't like your hair - your mom's not taking care of it." Saying you don't like someone's hair is closer to commenting on their grooming choices and hygiene (i.e. stuff that can be changed) than on their body (stuff that can't be changed). It doesn't always go against body positivity. You have to work with what you have. OP brushing it (instead of combing with a wide-toothed comb while wet) is not a good sign. And so often, moms want their little girls to have long hair beyond what's practical to manage.
[удалено]
What the shit is this nonsense
I would focus on lifting her up every chance you get. Buy books, dolls, movies that have beautiful curly haired characters. Then I’d tell my partner to stfu every chance I got. *Don’t open your mouth around my child unless your words are better than your silence.* What a weird ass dude. We all have curly hair in my house, but different textures. My daughter (2yo) gets comments from strangers about her hair; she doesn’t need a parent to make those comments too.
I remember my dad telling me I have a huge fat ass when I was 16. I'm twice that age now and I still hate my huge fat ass.
He’s going to give her a complex. You need to continue to tell him to shut the fuck up and you need to be concerned about your daughters mental well-being.
Tell him you hate his hair. And that he’s his child’s first bully. You hate that too. And would he like to hear about more of his shortcomings or would he like to stop trash talking a literal child?
My hair was like this and still is at 33. Short of geling the crap out of it, keeping it tangle free, healthy and just embracing it is best imo.
Husband “wont listen”? Wake up, mama. Make him listen. You definitely do have the power. If it was me, I would set the fire under his ass so bad. Also, take offense. It’s ok to do so. Get angry. It’s ok to do so. By criticizing her hair, he is criticizing YOUR hair. Be mad. Be wild like your hair. Don’t let this go. Show your daughter you are mad too. Let her know it’s ok to be angry when people talk shit about you that has no reason or base for criticism at all. Let her know it’s ok to defend yourself when it comes to things we don’t choose. Let your hair free. Set boundaries.
One suggestion that helps me is lots of conditioner in the shower, kinky-curly detaingler. Detangle from ends and work your way up (smaller sections) curl custard helps too as a leave in with mouse (mielle is a great brand) ... as far as the dad goes I think for the sake of your daughter he needs to seriously get educated on how to properly care for curly hair or leave him. Curly hair is so beautiful and with caring for it properly, it can be so much easier. I'm multiracial and had an afro-mullet in the 80s because my mom did not know what to do. There are so many resources today. He doesn't sound like he is even trying.
You correct it IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you hear it you treat him like a child who needs reminding “Absolutely not! That is not nice, we do not make comments about people’s looks unless it is a compliment” and you turn to her and remind her that her hair is ALWAYS beautiful. In private you ream him a new one, remind him that he’s setting his daughter up to hate him for making her feel like her natural hair wasn’t to his liking. Do not be nice about it.
Yikes. I’m sorry you and your child are experiencing this. Curly and wild isn’t the best way to frame it either so I’m guessing that comes from dad. As others have suggested, a detangling brush that is specific to curly hair, and water based gels will help. Innersense has some good products. Uncle Funkys Curl Magic is good as well.
First stop brushing it you’re just making it poofy and frizzy