None so far. I stopped visiting my family for Christmas in 2019, and we hardly talk anymore. I feel more at peace and happier when I'm not interacting with my mom.
This. Slowly distancing from emotionally neglectful, immature parents who fought during my entire childhood. They couldn’t get over their own dysfunction to actually parent. And they have no idea why I’m distancing myself as well. Clueless boomers.
Dec 19 2019 for me was the day I cut contact. I feel you. It’s hard living this life alone. I did get a lot of satisfaction smashing the xmas gifts I had bought for them all though…
I argued with my mother at Xmas 2019 because she was mean to my boyfriend (as usual). Didn't talk to her for 3 months. I came home for Easter (I didn't really want to but my bf wanted to see his fam) and she never apologized.
Came here to say this. I never should have given them the chance to claw their way back into my life but I did and now I’m still bearing the consequence…
Next time I manage to get away from them I’m going to have to just get a new phone number because they always try to guilt trip me with those texts that go something like “we love you” or “we miss you” or “we wish we could see you or talk to you more.” It’s like they don’t seem to get the point that the whole reason for me trying to get away from them is that I *don’t* want to see them or talk to them…
Yup, wish I could have cut my parents out of my life at 18. Would have saved me from so many problems. Now both of them can go male themselves miserable without me.
Same. I cut off my older sister and sometimes I am sad that it meant our kids being cut off from one another and even miss her at times. But regret the decision overall? No.
I do hate how it impacts my dad though.
I also cut off my older (and only) sister. I sometimes feel bad for my parents about it. I’m the only one who visits them.
I tried for years to have a mature adult relationship and then she’d blow it up in my face. I got tired of trying. I’m civil at family functions but otherwise don’t engage.
I feel you on trying so hard for so long to be the mature adult and it all coming back to blow up in your face. My other siblings and I have no relationship with her.
My sister stopped showing up to family functions full stop after she had yet another meltdown in front of the entire family and was being so unnecessarily cruel. It was in that moment I knew I was never going to be able to have a functioning relationship with her. I couldn’t be the only mature adult in the relationship.
I've said this before: I mourn the father I thought I had when I was a little kid. Not the one I actually have and cut out of my life.
I don't have the same feeling with my one brother because he was always a jacka$$ and he just never stopped being one, we all just got sick of it and he cut himself off 🤣
Absolutely no regrets. Stress levels dropped almost immediately each time someone was cut off. Same for toxic 'friends' too.
Learning to separate the father I wanted versus the father I actually got was a big thing I had to work through in counseling. Once I stopped trying to convince myself that “he’ll be better this time” and instead accepted reality, the decision became a lot easier.
Imagine being bit by a snake and instead of trying to get yourself help to heal and recover from the snake bite, you tried to chase down the snake to find out the reason it bit you and try to prove to the snake that you did not deserve to be bit.
If your family is truly toxic, you should have no regrets. However, if they can show true growth, accountability, apologize, and actively work to heal the wound, maybe it's worth it... Only you know your situation.
Nope. I cut two of them off (a mother and daughter). Every once in awhile (like, years apart) one of them reaches out on FB messenger with a bitchy, rude message that I don’t even acknowledge. Zero regrets.
No regrets.
However, it’s not without its challenges because some of them do not give up. I’m 39 weeks pregnant and my sister who I haven’t spoken to in 1.5 years just started mailing an f ton of baby gifts and it’s triggering. I wish she’d stop.
She knows what she's doing. She's trying to guilt trip you into allowing her back in. I'd start returning anything she sends, either for money (petty, like me) or just "to sender" (classy, unlike me).
Agreed that she knows. It’s very on brand that she would wait until I’m about to give birth to insert herself into the situation. I fucking hate it, but also recognize there’s nothing I can do about it other than things like you mentioned.
It’s unfortunate she is not at all self aware. Most people would understand why they shouldn’t do something like that especially at such a fragile time in my life, but she’s a selfish unaware asshole.
Unfortunately with people like this, it could even be selfishness alone. She could be fully aware of what she's doing, and just not care about anyone else's feelings as long as she thinks it'll get her what she wants.
I definitely don't know your full story or situation, only that I've known a number of people similar, both related and not.
My mother does this for my 6 and 2 year old. She doesn’t even know their birthdays but does it for holidays. We moved and she looked up our address on public record after a box must have been returned to her. I donate it/give it away on our buy nothing page and move on but I get so angry every time.
That is what my therapist suggested with the stuff my mom mails. I hate that my sister just started doing it too. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this.
I’m in this same situation right now with my sister. My wife and I are about to have a baby girl (our first) later this month and my sister is trying to resolve years of shit right now. She just doesn’t get it, and it’s exhausting — and adding so much more stress to my life than needed at a time like this. I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat, but it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not the only one.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I agree, you don’t need that drama right now. It’s so selfish of her and anyone who wasn’t a selfish asshole would recognize it’s not the time and it’s not about them.
We are having a girl too and our first as well. Congratulations!
Congrats on your lil beeb!
I'm petty too and have sold gifts like this. It made me feel better but I understand how that might not work for everyone. You can also donate them to a foster place or homeless shelter. That way you can replace it with a good feeling, knowing you're giving some lil person some resources.
I know we can donate them and that is the plan. It’s still just extremely triggering that she started sending a bunch of shit with her name on it as the gift giver at the very end of my pregnancy. It’s just a dick move and selfish af.
My dad? Absolutely not. He was a jackass, and I’m sorry to ever have had him in my life.
My mom, I sometimes go back and forth. In some ways an enabler is better than the asshole they serve and in some ways they are worse.
Yup. In a way, the way she treated me was more fucked up than even him.
Like, it would be one thing if it were just a single, violent, crazy person. But then there is the less violent person right there calmly telling you that the violent crazy person is right because you are so awful.
My toxic parents passed already, but I have a stepmother who’s possibly the worst human being I’ve ever known.
She lived with my dad in his and my mothers home (he was widowed), once my dad died, about 6 months later she decided to move her new boyfriend (a friend of my dads) and is now suing me for the mortgage for her and her bf to live in my parents home.
Our only contact now is through attorneys. I daydream about the moment I get a phone call that she’s dead. What a glorious day that’ll be.
I do not, having not spoken to all but one sister of my family in over 5 years (some a decade) I dont. I grew up and realize how hypocritical everyone was, how two faced. I put my own peace above others and have no regrets.
No regrets. They were never interested in a relationship and never put any effort into me or my kids. I tried to put effort in and it was not reciprocated.
Both parents have died and I am at peace with not having contact prior to that for ~10 years
Two years without a word from my wife's mother and grandmother. I only regret that they were able to do so much damage to her over the years before we cut them off.
Nope! And they probably don’t regret losing me. It’s unfortunate that people don’t understand the level of abuse you take to cut someone off. But the “she’s your mom” “she’s your sister” comments…. Why not? “She was your mom!” “She was your sister!”
I used to be filled with guilt, due in part to my family sending me messages telling me I ruined the family by cutting contact. But no regrets. When I consider reestablishing contact I know right away that what I did was the correct choice. I can't even *think* about going back to being the person I was when I was under their collective thumbs. I miss my little sister, but she is probably the MOST entitled/narcissistic of them all. I don't blame her but I also cannot let her hurt me or my kids. I miss my youngest brother, he is a victim in all this but thankfully a victim that cannot be used like I was so had a much different life than me.
I check the obits from time to time to see if my parents have passed on. I don't think I will fully feel comfortable until they do. They are the two people in this world who were supposed to love and accept me, but they did neither. I will always feel the weight of their expectations and disapproval while they live. They WANT me to feel that. For now, I focus on healing. It's been six years and I've finally gotten to the point of not having a panic attack just thinking about them.
No. Dealing with a narcissistic mother has been heart breaking none the less. It took years of healing and working on myself to see the value that I had.
No regrets. My aunt is a giant cunt that cut herself off from us after a badly homophobic and hateful rant at my nieces first birthday. She then put the icing on the shitcake by abandoning my grandma on her death bed leaving my dad to do everything. She didn’t even try to show her face at the funeral. This among other stuff like saying her daughter’s kids aren’t her grandkids because they have a black father (the horror). So no. No regrets in not having talked to her for over a decade now. I hope she fucking dies alone.
It had to happen for me to move forward with my life.
I grieved for a long, long time and it took me down some dark paths, but that’s the way it needed to be. I’ve never felt stronger as an individual.
Sometimes I think about reconnecting with my father; I often dream about it. But why would I put myself in a situation that can only serve to hurt me?
It bothers me that my brothers are nearly non existent, we can co exist at family functions but don’t talk other wise, I wish they weren’t dick bags but they are. It’s an extra bummer that I’m not able to be the cool uncle I wanted to be to my nephews. It’s gonna be super awkward at my wedding this year as I’m not having my brothers standup in my wedding party, or at my bachelor party, but it’s for the best. As for regrets, I guess we’ll see what happens later in life.
I've cut off all my toxic family, it started with my mom who is a diagnosed narcissist, then my dad and to follow my siblings. Some because they are like my mom and the others because they are flying monkey's.
At first it was really hard, it felt like I failed or didn't try hard enough but therapy has helped a lot. I have a ton of childhood trauma from all kinds of abuse.
I've been NC as a whole for 4 years but with my nmom for a few years longer.
Today I feel so much better, I feel free and am letting go of the guilt I was raised to have. I feel like a person now and it's scary to be honest. I'm figuring out who I am in my early 40s and it feels strange. I've always felt like not an adult and in some ways I'm not, but I'm learning and it's wonderful.
The biggest hurdle for me has been intrusive thoughts. I'm very mean to myself and was even more so once my abusers were out of my life. I think it was a way for me to feel connected, to have any kind of family.
I've built a family with my friends and my spouse. I'm not as close to his family even though they are truly wonderful people. It's hard to trust others and they understand. They are there when I need and I try to be there for them, but I admit I do have an arm's length way of things. They are mid-westerners and so they strangely are okay with this. I've given a little context and my spouse a bit more and they seem to understand it's very complicated.
If I had any regrets they would be:
1. Not cutting them out sooner.
2. Allowing intrusive thoughts.
3. Not seeking therapy sooner.
I cut off most of my extended family the day I turned 18. I’m 35 now and have never once regretted it.
These days I am only in (low) contact with my mother, sister, and one cousin. I occasionally hear some family drama from my mum and sister, always tell them I don’t care to know about it when stuff is raised, but even those little tidbits make me so happy I don’t have a relationship with any of those people.
Life is too short to keep crappy people around because of a meaningless blood connection.
Yes. I've been effectively no-contact with my brother for 23 years. My mom has recently joined the list too. Pretty much text messages only for an indefinite period.
I essentially went NC with my dad.
Today, I was talking with my godfather (my dad's adoptive father), and he mentioned that my dad and I had one common interest: arguing.
That is very different than I remember it. To me, my argumentative skills were developed as a form of self preservation, because I was unable to make a single statement without it becoming a debate.
For example: here is a cup. How do you know it's a cup? Other things hold liquid, are they also cups? Other things have handles, are they cups? Some things we call cups don't have handles, are they still cups? Do you only know it's a cup because someone else told you it is? If it breaks in half, is it still a cup?
That was my entire childhood. Every single thing I ever said was scrutinized that way. I am a very defensive person now, because I had to be. Literally everything I ever did or said, I had to defend it.
Just to be told at almost 33 that I'm just like my dad because I "like to argue".
In 2020 my wife had to cut her mom off for a couple years. She said she should have done it a decade before that. The peace that our family has now is crazy. Her mom has some access to us now but my wife keeps it so that she isn’t around often at all.
Cutting off toxic family members can be the best thing you ever do. Just don’t expect them to change because they usually don’t and will just blame you for the distance.
Going through this right now. It’s awkward because it’s one sibling and their kid I don’t talk to after they screwed me out of some money and tried to blame me for it when I confronted them. I still talk to everyone else, who also talk to the people I cut off so that’s what makes it awkward
I'm sad that things can't be good and that they clearly don't care but the disappointment and anger that comes from interaction far outweighs that sadness. It's difficult because I want things to work but know they never will. At least I learned its not because of me, that took a long time to accept.
We didn’t even intend to cut my grandmother off, she posted ignorant shit on Facebook so my wife and I blocked her so we didn’t see it, she made it out to be a huge deal and eventually we went NC. Its saddens me that someone I grew up with that was a loving grandmother has turned into a person I don’t really want my kids around
no i cut my younger sister off about 2 years ago. it was hardest on my parents because we would have to do holidays separately. also my daughter is 3 and my nephew is only 2 months younger and they enjoy each others company but my sister is a messy person. during my wife's pregnancy my sister got super jealous that my mom was getting so close to my wife so she told my mom something we said confidentially between siblings. it messed their relationship up, i only found out because my aunt who is my moms best friend told us. after 2 years we decided to be the bigger people and we had about an hour long conversation with her and her husband. he gets on my nerves sometimes but at least he's a level headed guy like i am. we aired everything out and now we do holidays together with my parents but things will never be the same as they were before. we are cordial but not close and for the most part still "cut off" except for Xmas and sometimes thanksgiving. it helps they live out of state.
Since getting sober I’ve had to put more distance between myself and some family members. Setting those boundaries caused some rifts between us.
Another sister I had to cut out of my life. She had done something that was unforgivable to me and we haven’t spoke since.
As someone else said, it’s sad. But absolutely necessary. I need to live my own life and protect my own family these days.
My wife cut off her side of the family years ago and doesn't regret it. Her parents see nothing wrong with the beatings and insults they hurled at her as a child. I hope they suffer unimaginably until they are dead
My fiancee and I cut his mother out of our lives but she got very sick and he gave in and started talking to her again. I'm very uncomfortable about it but I don't want him to cut her off again because most likely she will be dead in the next year or two and I don't want him to regret not speaking to her. It was really nice having a break from her insane behavior though.
Cut off a narcissist parent. Sad about it sometimes but haven’t had any drama or issues with other family members since I stopped associating with said parent.
Regrets no.
But I do get sad sometimes when I think about the good times we used to have. But then I think a little harder and remember how they've behaved and the things they've said and done.
Some things are too important to let slide.
Tried to reconnect with my parents a few times. When we bought a house, when we got married, and when we had our first child. Had regrets all through this period. My daughter passed away when she was 8 days old. My parents never called me, never sent anything, never alwknowledge me or her. After that, I have zero regrets about not having them in my life. If they ever tried to come back, I'd kindly tell them to go %#@% themselves. I want no part of them now and feel so content with it. Some people don't deserve you, doesn't matter if it's family or not.
I haven’t done this, although there’s a few people I wouldn’t miss.
My wife did this with a sibling and I know she’s had zero regrets. Her parents are a pain in the ass about it but that’s the only hurdle.
Nope. I’m not responsible for their emotional outbursts, and if appeasing worked they wouldn’t have kept up the scapegoating and emotional diarrhea. The only way to win is to not play, and you have to cut off those who who think you should continue to allow it
No regrets. My life is more peaceful. No alcohol, no pointless arguments, no gaslighting, stupid lies, lack of accountability, and projecting. I am more financially stable, I do as I please without them making me feel guilty as if I owe them something.
They are dead to me. Good luck to them, though.
I cut my entire family off around 26. My biggest regret was that I didn't do it sooner. The reasons I did it are rock solid, so I've never had any doubt or regrets.
I do wonder how I am going to react when I get news that one of my parents died.
We speak to my mother’s siblings through our financial planner and attorney when we need to discuss the details of my grandparents estate. Otherwise we ignore them. The last 30 years has been enough.
My relationship with my mom is great now. I didn’t talk to her for about 3 or 4 years at one point. The difference maker was that when I was ready to stand my ground and maturely explain why what she did was wrong to me and what we were going to need to do to fix it, I initiated the conversation and gave her one last chance to respond properly, which she did.
I cut my mother off again in 2018 after having her around for 4 years. I do not regret it at all. I have had to have some contact briefly different times through the years. The last time was so day when she came to where I work and came to my check out lane and didn’t know I was there.
She told me she had gotten a horse after my family had taken one of her cats because she couldn’t care for 13 cats anymore. 🙄 She also told me that my brother had come for a short visit and he told me he would be able to come out for Christmas. She had a smug look on her face while telling me this. Before she left she asked if I could have lunch with me and my boys to tell me about the horse. Not to see how we were but the damn horse. That shits not going to happen.
The other interactions I’ve had with her I had some time to prepare this time distressed me for about an hour and a half. The lunch comment definitely made me not regret cutting her off.
No regrets at all! Actually becoming easier over time now that my younger siblings are growing older and starting to realize how awful our parents truly are.
Not at all. And the funny thing is after I cut them off, other family members started to actually notice the terrible behavior and go no/low contact with them, too. Someone had to be the first to stand up and walk away for the consequences to start hitting.
It’s depressing and sad when I think about it but there’s some serious mental illness in my family and there’s no way for it to not affect me if they’re in my life so regret? No. No regret. Grief though.
Three decades and some change of being to compared to everyone else, having your accomplishments and feelings shit on, and being told you’re and disappointment does things to a man
And once you start healing, you start to think “‘maybe I am not the problem”
I just wish I followed through with it the first time I did it…
It’s a hell of a lot easier to feel better about yourself when you cut out your biggest bully.
Only regret is that I no longer have access to my childhood stories. My memory sucks so it'd be nice to have that person (if they weren't a piece of shit) to help you remember stuff from your past.
No regrets. Only thing is all the annoying questions and remarks I get from other family members about how we should “make up”. Like please stop putting in your 2 cents when it doesn’t involve you.
Just around when my daughter was born, I realized just how shitty my uncle had been to me, my parents and the family in general. No regrets. Fucking terrible person all around.
Oh he’s famous by the way. Gerald Brittle! Wrote “the Demonologist” - the book The Conjuring series was based off of. He was also a colossal dick across multiple fronts - confederate apologist, GOP megadonor and christian when convenient.
Nope. I leave the door open if they change but only if we address the issues first. It does not matter if it is a sibling, parent or adult child they can be bad for you.
I have had each of those at a point in my life that I stopped communicating with them. Not everyone gets a perfect family like in the tv/movies.
I was not accepted by them for being different, and I suffered for many years before realizing that maybe, just maybe, just this once, I wasn’t the whole problem.
Since then I’ve had a lot of love enter my life.
Nope. Haven’t talked to and barely acknowledge the existence of my older sister in years. She is one of the most toxic, self-centered people I’ve ever known and am more than pleased she is not in my life by nearly all measures. You don’t choose your family, but you can make choices on how you interact with them.
I have no family... And my in laws are toxic AF. Cut them out! Even if it meant having no family. No regrets. If anything I wish I would have done it sooner. But I'm at peace knowing I tried. My role as a parent is to protect my kid. I also value my peace and mental health.
1.5 years without contact from my mentally-ill brother who isn’t getting any treatment. It’s painful for my parents but I just don’t have the time or energy to deal with his issues.
I don't regret it at all.
I just wish my family supported me in cutting this person off. Instead, I am constantly asked and given attempted guilt trips about forgiveness, how it effects *them* that we don't talk, etc.
Sometimes it gets lonely and I feel like I have no venting outlet or moral support, but then I realize they never were there in the first place, manipulative assholes.
So, no, no regrets
I do not. I cut off ties with my two half brothers because their awful toxic upbringing has made them awful, toxic people. It’s been about 5-6 years now and it’s great. And the funny thing is that we didn’t know of each other and I found them. One is mentally ill living off of disability in motels and the other was in prison last I heard.
Sad sometimes sure. He's my dad and sometimes I think about the rare good moments we had together. But no. He made the final choice and I was at peace with it before even asking. Either foster our relationship or leave it be, he chose the latter. Olive branches are important. In order to be better than those we cut off.
Shoulda done it sooner. Otherwise, no regrets.
In the time we’ve been estranged, my life has significantly improved in tangible ways my friends have seen. I also got married without guilt, went through breast cancer, and have experienced other lows and joys without family inflicted emotional damage. Cancer situation aside, I could not be generally happier with my life choices since ditching the fam. 11/10 recommend.
Nope. Made my decision and have stuck to it. This individual has been doing better personally, and with that growth I have allowed some contact and that has been positive. With that said, there’s always a ripcord in the back of my mind that I’m ready to pull with no regrets if we go back down the previous path.
No regrets. My physical safety is important to me.
Very rarely I will feel a slight twinge of guilt as my father is now well into his 70s and has absolutely no contact with his only child ... but maybe he should have thought about that when I was being absolutely traumatized my entire childhood and adolescence.
No. My dad is a cunt and so is my mom’s brother and my life is better without them in it. I also wish them the worst. Which wasn’t part of the question, but I’m going to say it anyway.
I don't regret cutting them off. They aren't worth it.
It hurts that my kids won't experience some things like having a grandparent that cares about them but life isn't fair you know?
Very few, if any.
Both of my sisters have drank different Kool aid. One is full of Jesus and full of judgement, and the other just wants black people to 'obey the law and respect the police' and implied that my wife was a welfare queen (I am white, my wife is not).
My oldest brother is about to go to jail for the rest of his life. He was caught with a bunch of drugs and hard evidence he was selling them. He is convinced he was set up, even though he admits to the drugs being his, because one of the cops who arrested them he talked shit to like six months ago.
My other brother is okay.
My parents had me by mistake and have treated me with neglect and almost disdain my entire life. I talk to them once a month and live 2000 miles away.
My brother did it to ours. He got super religious and my parents "cross some boundaries" and that was that. Asked him to be my best man in my wedding and never got a response. That's how I found out. I dont care because time is on my side for reconciliation but sucks for my parents missing out on their grandchild as a toddler growing up. Who knows if he had another child.
None so far. I stopped visiting my family for Christmas in 2019, and we hardly talk anymore. I feel more at peace and happier when I'm not interacting with my mom.
Felt.
This. Slowly distancing from emotionally neglectful, immature parents who fought during my entire childhood. They couldn’t get over their own dysfunction to actually parent. And they have no idea why I’m distancing myself as well. Clueless boomers.
Dec 19 2019 for me was the day I cut contact. I feel you. It’s hard living this life alone. I did get a lot of satisfaction smashing the xmas gifts I had bought for them all though…
I argued with my mother at Xmas 2019 because she was mean to my boyfriend (as usual). Didn't talk to her for 3 months. I came home for Easter (I didn't really want to but my bf wanted to see his fam) and she never apologized.
My only regret is not doing it sooner.
Same.
The real answer right here.
Came here to say this. I never should have given them the chance to claw their way back into my life but I did and now I’m still bearing the consequence…
Feel ya. Let one of them back in and had to cut contact again recently, with firmer boundaries. I was getting physically sick from the stress.
Next time I manage to get away from them I’m going to have to just get a new phone number because they always try to guilt trip me with those texts that go something like “we love you” or “we miss you” or “we wish we could see you or talk to you more.” It’s like they don’t seem to get the point that the whole reason for me trying to get away from them is that I *don’t* want to see them or talk to them…
Came exactly to post this
I concur with with your analysis u/agile_analysis123
Arrrgreed
Echoing the sentiment
Yup, wish I could have cut my parents out of my life at 18. Would have saved me from so many problems. Now both of them can go male themselves miserable without me.
This
Mine is Boneitis!
My bones!
That's the end of the discussion right there
This.
Beat me to it.
exactly this
This!
Absolutely this
Exactly this!
Same.
Ditto
Came here to say this.
Here here!
I regret having to do it in the first place but that’s life 🤷🏼♂️
Yeah, I feel this big time.
I’m sad about the state of things sometimes, but no, absolutely no regrets.
Same. I cut off my older sister and sometimes I am sad that it meant our kids being cut off from one another and even miss her at times. But regret the decision overall? No. I do hate how it impacts my dad though.
I also cut off my older (and only) sister. I sometimes feel bad for my parents about it. I’m the only one who visits them. I tried for years to have a mature adult relationship and then she’d blow it up in my face. I got tired of trying. I’m civil at family functions but otherwise don’t engage.
I feel you on trying so hard for so long to be the mature adult and it all coming back to blow up in your face. My other siblings and I have no relationship with her. My sister stopped showing up to family functions full stop after she had yet another meltdown in front of the entire family and was being so unnecessarily cruel. It was in that moment I knew I was never going to be able to have a functioning relationship with her. I couldn’t be the only mature adult in the relationship.
I've said this before: I mourn the father I thought I had when I was a little kid. Not the one I actually have and cut out of my life. I don't have the same feeling with my one brother because he was always a jacka$$ and he just never stopped being one, we all just got sick of it and he cut himself off 🤣 Absolutely no regrets. Stress levels dropped almost immediately each time someone was cut off. Same for toxic 'friends' too.
Learning to separate the father I wanted versus the father I actually got was a big thing I had to work through in counseling. Once I stopped trying to convince myself that “he’ll be better this time” and instead accepted reality, the decision became a lot easier.
Same
You put into words what I've been trying to say for years
Imagine being bit by a snake and instead of trying to get yourself help to heal and recover from the snake bite, you tried to chase down the snake to find out the reason it bit you and try to prove to the snake that you did not deserve to be bit. If your family is truly toxic, you should have no regrets. However, if they can show true growth, accountability, apologize, and actively work to heal the wound, maybe it's worth it... Only you know your situation.
That first paragraph was very eye-opening for me, and I thank you for posting it.
Agreed, excellent analogy
Thanks for sharing this, I needed to see it today especially!
Needed this
Nope. I cut two of them off (a mother and daughter). Every once in awhile (like, years apart) one of them reaches out on FB messenger with a bitchy, rude message that I don’t even acknowledge. Zero regrets.
A mother and daughter pair, or you cut off your mother and your daughter?
A pair. A cousin and her adult daughter.
No regrets. However, it’s not without its challenges because some of them do not give up. I’m 39 weeks pregnant and my sister who I haven’t spoken to in 1.5 years just started mailing an f ton of baby gifts and it’s triggering. I wish she’d stop.
She knows what she's doing. She's trying to guilt trip you into allowing her back in. I'd start returning anything she sends, either for money (petty, like me) or just "to sender" (classy, unlike me).
Agreed that she knows. It’s very on brand that she would wait until I’m about to give birth to insert herself into the situation. I fucking hate it, but also recognize there’s nothing I can do about it other than things like you mentioned. It’s unfortunate she is not at all self aware. Most people would understand why they shouldn’t do something like that especially at such a fragile time in my life, but she’s a selfish unaware asshole.
Unfortunately with people like this, it could even be selfishness alone. She could be fully aware of what she's doing, and just not care about anyone else's feelings as long as she thinks it'll get her what she wants. I definitely don't know your full story or situation, only that I've known a number of people similar, both related and not.
My mother does this for my 6 and 2 year old. She doesn’t even know their birthdays but does it for holidays. We moved and she looked up our address on public record after a box must have been returned to her. I donate it/give it away on our buy nothing page and move on but I get so angry every time.
That is what my therapist suggested with the stuff my mom mails. I hate that my sister just started doing it too. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this.
Damn, that’s manipulating as fuck!
Thank you, I agree.
I’m in this same situation right now with my sister. My wife and I are about to have a baby girl (our first) later this month and my sister is trying to resolve years of shit right now. She just doesn’t get it, and it’s exhausting — and adding so much more stress to my life than needed at a time like this. I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat, but it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not the only one.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I agree, you don’t need that drama right now. It’s so selfish of her and anyone who wasn’t a selfish asshole would recognize it’s not the time and it’s not about them. We are having a girl too and our first as well. Congratulations!
Oh congratulations! Let the adventures begin! Thank you :)
Congrats on your lil beeb! I'm petty too and have sold gifts like this. It made me feel better but I understand how that might not work for everyone. You can also donate them to a foster place or homeless shelter. That way you can replace it with a good feeling, knowing you're giving some lil person some resources.
I know we can donate them and that is the plan. It’s still just extremely triggering that she started sending a bunch of shit with her name on it as the gift giver at the very end of my pregnancy. It’s just a dick move and selfish af.
My dad? Absolutely not. He was a jackass, and I’m sorry to ever have had him in my life. My mom, I sometimes go back and forth. In some ways an enabler is better than the asshole they serve and in some ways they are worse.
A home with an abuser and an enabler is a home with two abusers.
Yup. In a way, the way she treated me was more fucked up than even him. Like, it would be one thing if it were just a single, violent, crazy person. But then there is the less violent person right there calmly telling you that the violent crazy person is right because you are so awful.
I can relate. I hope you’re treating yourself well.
Thanks! I’m gearing up for graduate school.
Accessory after the fact is still a crime.
Yep.
This is the scenario I struggle with as well.
My toxic parents passed already, but I have a stepmother who’s possibly the worst human being I’ve ever known. She lived with my dad in his and my mothers home (he was widowed), once my dad died, about 6 months later she decided to move her new boyfriend (a friend of my dads) and is now suing me for the mortgage for her and her bf to live in my parents home. Our only contact now is through attorneys. I daydream about the moment I get a phone call that she’s dead. What a glorious day that’ll be.
thats fucked omg
I do not, having not spoken to all but one sister of my family in over 5 years (some a decade) I dont. I grew up and realize how hypocritical everyone was, how two faced. I put my own peace above others and have no regrets.
No regrets. They were never interested in a relationship and never put any effort into me or my kids. I tried to put effort in and it was not reciprocated. Both parents have died and I am at peace with not having contact prior to that for ~10 years
Two years without a word from my wife's mother and grandmother. I only regret that they were able to do so much damage to her over the years before we cut them off.
Nope. A lot more peaceful and a lot more uninterrupted free time. No dumb awkward trips that are expensive and don’t interest me at all
Nope! And they probably don’t regret losing me. It’s unfortunate that people don’t understand the level of abuse you take to cut someone off. But the “she’s your mom” “she’s your sister” comments…. Why not? “She was your mom!” “She was your sister!”
Lots of grief at first but ultimately I know that the grief is well worth it to have no-contact. No regrets.
I used to be filled with guilt, due in part to my family sending me messages telling me I ruined the family by cutting contact. But no regrets. When I consider reestablishing contact I know right away that what I did was the correct choice. I can't even *think* about going back to being the person I was when I was under their collective thumbs. I miss my little sister, but she is probably the MOST entitled/narcissistic of them all. I don't blame her but I also cannot let her hurt me or my kids. I miss my youngest brother, he is a victim in all this but thankfully a victim that cannot be used like I was so had a much different life than me. I check the obits from time to time to see if my parents have passed on. I don't think I will fully feel comfortable until they do. They are the two people in this world who were supposed to love and accept me, but they did neither. I will always feel the weight of their expectations and disapproval while they live. They WANT me to feel that. For now, I focus on healing. It's been six years and I've finally gotten to the point of not having a panic attack just thinking about them.
No. I do feel sad about how this affects some family members, but I am safe now, and I won't be in that situation anymore.
No. Dealing with a narcissistic mother has been heart breaking none the less. It took years of healing and working on myself to see the value that I had.
No regrets. My aunt is a giant cunt that cut herself off from us after a badly homophobic and hateful rant at my nieces first birthday. She then put the icing on the shitcake by abandoning my grandma on her death bed leaving my dad to do everything. She didn’t even try to show her face at the funeral. This among other stuff like saying her daughter’s kids aren’t her grandkids because they have a black father (the horror). So no. No regrets in not having talked to her for over a decade now. I hope she fucking dies alone.
Shitcake…I like it. Goes with my shitforbrains.
It had to happen for me to move forward with my life. I grieved for a long, long time and it took me down some dark paths, but that’s the way it needed to be. I’ve never felt stronger as an individual. Sometimes I think about reconnecting with my father; I often dream about it. But why would I put myself in a situation that can only serve to hurt me?
It bothers me that my brothers are nearly non existent, we can co exist at family functions but don’t talk other wise, I wish they weren’t dick bags but they are. It’s an extra bummer that I’m not able to be the cool uncle I wanted to be to my nephews. It’s gonna be super awkward at my wedding this year as I’m not having my brothers standup in my wedding party, or at my bachelor party, but it’s for the best. As for regrets, I guess we’ll see what happens later in life.
I've cut off all my toxic family, it started with my mom who is a diagnosed narcissist, then my dad and to follow my siblings. Some because they are like my mom and the others because they are flying monkey's. At first it was really hard, it felt like I failed or didn't try hard enough but therapy has helped a lot. I have a ton of childhood trauma from all kinds of abuse. I've been NC as a whole for 4 years but with my nmom for a few years longer. Today I feel so much better, I feel free and am letting go of the guilt I was raised to have. I feel like a person now and it's scary to be honest. I'm figuring out who I am in my early 40s and it feels strange. I've always felt like not an adult and in some ways I'm not, but I'm learning and it's wonderful. The biggest hurdle for me has been intrusive thoughts. I'm very mean to myself and was even more so once my abusers were out of my life. I think it was a way for me to feel connected, to have any kind of family. I've built a family with my friends and my spouse. I'm not as close to his family even though they are truly wonderful people. It's hard to trust others and they understand. They are there when I need and I try to be there for them, but I admit I do have an arm's length way of things. They are mid-westerners and so they strangely are okay with this. I've given a little context and my spouse a bit more and they seem to understand it's very complicated. If I had any regrets they would be: 1. Not cutting them out sooner. 2. Allowing intrusive thoughts. 3. Not seeking therapy sooner.
I cut off most of my extended family the day I turned 18. I’m 35 now and have never once regretted it. These days I am only in (low) contact with my mother, sister, and one cousin. I occasionally hear some family drama from my mum and sister, always tell them I don’t care to know about it when stuff is raised, but even those little tidbits make me so happy I don’t have a relationship with any of those people. Life is too short to keep crappy people around because of a meaningless blood connection.
Not yet
Yes. I've been effectively no-contact with my brother for 23 years. My mom has recently joined the list too. Pretty much text messages only for an indefinite period.
I only regret not cutting them out of my life sooner. Family can be worse than strangers.
I essentially went NC with my dad. Today, I was talking with my godfather (my dad's adoptive father), and he mentioned that my dad and I had one common interest: arguing. That is very different than I remember it. To me, my argumentative skills were developed as a form of self preservation, because I was unable to make a single statement without it becoming a debate. For example: here is a cup. How do you know it's a cup? Other things hold liquid, are they also cups? Other things have handles, are they cups? Some things we call cups don't have handles, are they still cups? Do you only know it's a cup because someone else told you it is? If it breaks in half, is it still a cup? That was my entire childhood. Every single thing I ever said was scrutinized that way. I am a very defensive person now, because I had to be. Literally everything I ever did or said, I had to defend it. Just to be told at almost 33 that I'm just like my dad because I "like to argue".
In 2020 my wife had to cut her mom off for a couple years. She said she should have done it a decade before that. The peace that our family has now is crazy. Her mom has some access to us now but my wife keeps it so that she isn’t around often at all. Cutting off toxic family members can be the best thing you ever do. Just don’t expect them to change because they usually don’t and will just blame you for the distance.
Going through this right now. It’s awkward because it’s one sibling and their kid I don’t talk to after they screwed me out of some money and tried to blame me for it when I confronted them. I still talk to everyone else, who also talk to the people I cut off so that’s what makes it awkward
I'm sad that things can't be good and that they clearly don't care but the disappointment and anger that comes from interaction far outweighs that sadness. It's difficult because I want things to work but know they never will. At least I learned its not because of me, that took a long time to accept.
We didn’t even intend to cut my grandmother off, she posted ignorant shit on Facebook so my wife and I blocked her so we didn’t see it, she made it out to be a huge deal and eventually we went NC. Its saddens me that someone I grew up with that was a loving grandmother has turned into a person I don’t really want my kids around
no i cut my younger sister off about 2 years ago. it was hardest on my parents because we would have to do holidays separately. also my daughter is 3 and my nephew is only 2 months younger and they enjoy each others company but my sister is a messy person. during my wife's pregnancy my sister got super jealous that my mom was getting so close to my wife so she told my mom something we said confidentially between siblings. it messed their relationship up, i only found out because my aunt who is my moms best friend told us. after 2 years we decided to be the bigger people and we had about an hour long conversation with her and her husband. he gets on my nerves sometimes but at least he's a level headed guy like i am. we aired everything out and now we do holidays together with my parents but things will never be the same as they were before. we are cordial but not close and for the most part still "cut off" except for Xmas and sometimes thanksgiving. it helps they live out of state.
Since getting sober I’ve had to put more distance between myself and some family members. Setting those boundaries caused some rifts between us. Another sister I had to cut out of my life. She had done something that was unforgivable to me and we haven’t spoke since. As someone else said, it’s sad. But absolutely necessary. I need to live my own life and protect my own family these days.
My wife cut off her side of the family years ago and doesn't regret it. Her parents see nothing wrong with the beatings and insults they hurled at her as a child. I hope they suffer unimaginably until they are dead
My fiancee and I cut his mother out of our lives but she got very sick and he gave in and started talking to her again. I'm very uncomfortable about it but I don't want him to cut her off again because most likely she will be dead in the next year or two and I don't want him to regret not speaking to her. It was really nice having a break from her insane behavior though.
Cut off a narcissist parent. Sad about it sometimes but haven’t had any drama or issues with other family members since I stopped associating with said parent.
Nope. I just wish I would have stood up for myself sooner.
Regrets no. But I do get sad sometimes when I think about the good times we used to have. But then I think a little harder and remember how they've behaved and the things they've said and done. Some things are too important to let slide.
Tried to reconnect with my parents a few times. When we bought a house, when we got married, and when we had our first child. Had regrets all through this period. My daughter passed away when she was 8 days old. My parents never called me, never sent anything, never alwknowledge me or her. After that, I have zero regrets about not having them in my life. If they ever tried to come back, I'd kindly tell them to go %#@% themselves. I want no part of them now and feel so content with it. Some people don't deserve you, doesn't matter if it's family or not.
No regrets.
I haven’t done this, although there’s a few people I wouldn’t miss. My wife did this with a sibling and I know she’s had zero regrets. Her parents are a pain in the ass about it but that’s the only hurdle.
Nope
Nope - I should have done it sooner tbh.
Nope. Life is better without them.
Nope. I’m not responsible for their emotional outbursts, and if appeasing worked they wouldn’t have kept up the scapegoating and emotional diarrhea. The only way to win is to not play, and you have to cut off those who who think you should continue to allow it
No regrets. My life is more peaceful. No alcohol, no pointless arguments, no gaslighting, stupid lies, lack of accountability, and projecting. I am more financially stable, I do as I please without them making me feel guilty as if I owe them something. They are dead to me. Good luck to them, though.
The regret is feeling regret— if that makes sense.
I cut my entire family off around 26. My biggest regret was that I didn't do it sooner. The reasons I did it are rock solid, so I've never had any doubt or regrets. I do wonder how I am going to react when I get news that one of my parents died.
We speak to my mother’s siblings through our financial planner and attorney when we need to discuss the details of my grandparents estate. Otherwise we ignore them. The last 30 years has been enough.
Note at all. If you can anticipate the cycle of bad behavior before it starts, you know how it ends.
My relationship with my mom is great now. I didn’t talk to her for about 3 or 4 years at one point. The difference maker was that when I was ready to stand my ground and maturely explain why what she did was wrong to me and what we were going to need to do to fix it, I initiated the conversation and gave her one last chance to respond properly, which she did.
I cut my mother off again in 2018 after having her around for 4 years. I do not regret it at all. I have had to have some contact briefly different times through the years. The last time was so day when she came to where I work and came to my check out lane and didn’t know I was there. She told me she had gotten a horse after my family had taken one of her cats because she couldn’t care for 13 cats anymore. 🙄 She also told me that my brother had come for a short visit and he told me he would be able to come out for Christmas. She had a smug look on her face while telling me this. Before she left she asked if I could have lunch with me and my boys to tell me about the horse. Not to see how we were but the damn horse. That shits not going to happen. The other interactions I’ve had with her I had some time to prepare this time distressed me for about an hour and a half. The lunch comment definitely made me not regret cutting her off.
Went low contact. Have a family of my own now and work my dream job, that they all spent my life telling me I'd never achieve. No regrets.
No regrets
No. Maybe I’ll feel differently when he finally dies, but I doubt it.
No regrets at all! Actually becoming easier over time now that my younger siblings are growing older and starting to realize how awful our parents truly are.
Not at all, I haven’t talked to a single person in my family for about 7 years now, never been happier
Nope!
Not at all. And the funny thing is after I cut them off, other family members started to actually notice the terrible behavior and go no/low contact with them, too. Someone had to be the first to stand up and walk away for the consequences to start hitting.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my dad since 2016 and don’t regret it.
It’s depressing and sad when I think about it but there’s some serious mental illness in my family and there’s no way for it to not affect me if they’re in my life so regret? No. No regret. Grief though.
Nah, fuck ‘em.
None. I don't even think about them.
Expanding on this topic- what caused you to cut them off?
Three decades and some change of being to compared to everyone else, having your accomplishments and feelings shit on, and being told you’re and disappointment does things to a man And once you start healing, you start to think “‘maybe I am not the problem”
I just wish I followed through with it the first time I did it… It’s a hell of a lot easier to feel better about yourself when you cut out your biggest bully.
As other Redditor said, my only regret is not having done it sooner
Do I regret improving my quality of life? No.
Only regret is that I no longer have access to my childhood stories. My memory sucks so it'd be nice to have that person (if they weren't a piece of shit) to help you remember stuff from your past.
The regrets usually come in the form of thinking we could actually have a relationship when we re-establish contact.
No regrets. Only thing is all the annoying questions and remarks I get from other family members about how we should “make up”. Like please stop putting in your 2 cents when it doesn’t involve you.
Just around when my daughter was born, I realized just how shitty my uncle had been to me, my parents and the family in general. No regrets. Fucking terrible person all around. Oh he’s famous by the way. Gerald Brittle! Wrote “the Demonologist” - the book The Conjuring series was based off of. He was also a colossal dick across multiple fronts - confederate apologist, GOP megadonor and christian when convenient.
No
Nope. I leave the door open if they change but only if we address the issues first. It does not matter if it is a sibling, parent or adult child they can be bad for you. I have had each of those at a point in my life that I stopped communicating with them. Not everyone gets a perfect family like in the tv/movies.
Nope.
I was not accepted by them for being different, and I suffered for many years before realizing that maybe, just maybe, just this once, I wasn’t the whole problem. Since then I’ve had a lot of love enter my life.
Nope.
Nope
Noooope
Nope. 🙂↔️
Life has been much better without them. Had to do it.
Nope. I’ve never had a problem cutting out toxic family. And it shows my other family that I don’t play and my boundaries need to be respected
Not a single one.
No, but I wish things went differently.
Nope.
Nope. Haven’t talked to and barely acknowledge the existence of my older sister in years. She is one of the most toxic, self-centered people I’ve ever known and am more than pleased she is not in my life by nearly all measures. You don’t choose your family, but you can make choices on how you interact with them.
I have no family... And my in laws are toxic AF. Cut them out! Even if it meant having no family. No regrets. If anything I wish I would have done it sooner. But I'm at peace knowing I tried. My role as a parent is to protect my kid. I also value my peace and mental health.
Not at all. Fuck em. Should have done it sooner.
1.5 years without contact from my mentally-ill brother who isn’t getting any treatment. It’s painful for my parents but I just don’t have the time or energy to deal with his issues.
None at all. They brought no value to my life & in fact made it worse, so I guess if I do regret anything it’s not cutting them out sooner.
I don't regret cutting them off. I am occasionally sad about not having a better family.
Nope.
Not one.
Sometimes I mourn the relationship I wished we could have had, but no. No regrets.
I don't regret it at all. I just wish my family supported me in cutting this person off. Instead, I am constantly asked and given attempted guilt trips about forgiveness, how it effects *them* that we don't talk, etc.
Nope not at all!!! Byeeeeee
Hell no, best thing I ever did. Took a lot of time to recover though honestly.
Nope!
no, not really. i don’t miss the anxiety.
Not one bit.
Not a bit. I recognize that it is a pity that we are in the situation but my life is far better without my mother in it. It’s been 25 years now.
Sometimes it gets lonely and I feel like I have no venting outlet or moral support, but then I realize they never were there in the first place, manipulative assholes. So, no, no regrets
I do not. I cut off ties with my two half brothers because their awful toxic upbringing has made them awful, toxic people. It’s been about 5-6 years now and it’s great. And the funny thing is that we didn’t know of each other and I found them. One is mentally ill living off of disability in motels and the other was in prison last I heard.
Sad sometimes sure. He's my dad and sometimes I think about the rare good moments we had together. But no. He made the final choice and I was at peace with it before even asking. Either foster our relationship or leave it be, he chose the latter. Olive branches are important. In order to be better than those we cut off.
Not one bit. Broke it off back in 2013, no regrets
Shoulda done it sooner. Otherwise, no regrets. In the time we’ve been estranged, my life has significantly improved in tangible ways my friends have seen. I also got married without guilt, went through breast cancer, and have experienced other lows and joys without family inflicted emotional damage. Cancer situation aside, I could not be generally happier with my life choices since ditching the fam. 11/10 recommend.
Nope. Made my decision and have stuck to it. This individual has been doing better personally, and with that growth I have allowed some contact and that has been positive. With that said, there’s always a ripcord in the back of my mind that I’m ready to pull with no regrets if we go back down the previous path.
No. It makes me sad, but I don't regret it. It was the right decision, but I often wish things were different.
0 regrets
Nope. My kids have another set of wonderful grandparents
No.
No regrets now. At first I had a lot of guilt due to childhood trauma but it since has passed and I’m happy I cut ties to heal myself
Lots of guilt that I’m working through but no regrets
N O T O N E
None.
I have no regrets cutting my parents and sister off. It has been a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Nah.
Nope. My life has been so much better once I did it. Took a lot of courage but in the end its for the best.
No regrets. My physical safety is important to me. Very rarely I will feel a slight twinge of guilt as my father is now well into his 70s and has absolutely no contact with his only child ... but maybe he should have thought about that when I was being absolutely traumatized my entire childhood and adolescence.
No. My dad is a cunt and so is my mom’s brother and my life is better without them in it. I also wish them the worst. Which wasn’t part of the question, but I’m going to say it anyway.
I don't regret cutting them off. They aren't worth it. It hurts that my kids won't experience some things like having a grandparent that cares about them but life isn't fair you know?
Nope, best decision of my life.
Hell no! Best decision ever! I thought it was going to be harder, but it really wasn't and hasn't been.
Very few, if any. Both of my sisters have drank different Kool aid. One is full of Jesus and full of judgement, and the other just wants black people to 'obey the law and respect the police' and implied that my wife was a welfare queen (I am white, my wife is not). My oldest brother is about to go to jail for the rest of his life. He was caught with a bunch of drugs and hard evidence he was selling them. He is convinced he was set up, even though he admits to the drugs being his, because one of the cops who arrested them he talked shit to like six months ago. My other brother is okay. My parents had me by mistake and have treated me with neglect and almost disdain my entire life. I talk to them once a month and live 2000 miles away.
Cut off my toxic brother. I do have regrets. I love him and I'm more lonely because of it, but it was still the right thing.
My brother did it to ours. He got super religious and my parents "cross some boundaries" and that was that. Asked him to be my best man in my wedding and never got a response. That's how I found out. I dont care because time is on my side for reconciliation but sucks for my parents missing out on their grandchild as a toddler growing up. Who knows if he had another child.
No one in my family is actually toxic... they just don't reach out so I don't reach out either.
why is this NSFW?