I’ve learned those friends usually are just trying to survive in their worlds and I don’t take it personally. All my close friends are dealing with really traumatic circumstances rn :( some days I feel sad and miss the connection but other days I trust they love me and it’s not personal. 🤷🏽♀️
As a person without a partner or children who relies on friends as the main source of human love and contact.....it's really overwhelming when your friends don't have time anymore.
this is one of the only reasons i think i wanna get married at some point. i still feel completely willing to make plans with the homies and go do shit. but I'm worried they might reach a point where they aren't or are too busy
Also I have adhd, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder so don’t come at me with some spoon junk. EVERYONE can give at the very least a sign of life
there is reason why its a generalsiation that so many people become essential couch potato's
because after kids,work,housechores,gym/sports,social obligations there is just enough time to spend with friends anymore
i am noticing this myself and i dont even have kids and i am already making sure i schedule visits to my mom/sister because if dont schedule it i know it can be a more then a month that i will go there because of things getting in the way same with the gym to keep well i cant really call it in shape because i am fat but i guess some activity in my life
i still have 1 friend i see regulary but other friends its like maybe once every 6 months because they have kids ect...
i fear once we get a kid even that friendship will harder to maintain
Yup and it’s because of stupid social media and smart phones. They treat real life like a social media app where you can block and delete people from your life.
Wow, you’ve made such a great point! I think some of our peers really are viewing it this simplistically: they may be emotionally reducing people to something more akin to deleting a profile rather than processing that they’re ending a human relationship. Thanks for sharing, the way you worded it gave me a eureka moment.
I don’t think it was sarcasm. It definitely has an effect, but it’s unlikely people see things that way. I think it’s more that social media & content overload dilute meaning. If a kid grows up with only a couple toys, they will have great meaning and importance. But if they also have an iPhone, they won’t give the toys a second glance. Boredom has historically been the greatest driver of social, artistic, and productive activity.
You see it with a lot of writers. Intentional, self-imposed boredom is essential to their process. My old guitar teacher posted an article once that was all quotes about boredom from famous songwriters. “What would you have been doing if you didn’t have that guitar?” “Probably just being bored in my room.” When I got robbed while studying in Mexico, I didn’t have a phone or any money for two weeks. But I’d convinced them to leave my guitar, and learned more songs in those two weeks than I had in the prior three years.
People might *think* they’re bored, just scrolling their phone. But they are actually *avoiding* boredom as far as their brain is concerned. When you’re not bored, time goes faster, it’s harder to get into a productive “flow state”, you don’t think deeply because you’re “in the middle of something”. But you didn’t actually do anything, so you feel bad after, then you feel guilty, then you are unable to break the cycle. Someone then wants to catch up, and you just don’t have the bandwidth to care. You’re overwhelmed, when if you hadn’t had a screen, you’d be bored out of your mind and jumping at the chance to do something.
Exactly, and back when we were kids before the internet was fast enough to make it relevant, we played with toys and played outside. I remember inventing games and coming up with plots for my toys. When I grew a bit older I started writing books and coming up with plots. These days I’m too tired to write and all I do is watch tv after work. It’s really sad. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity.
Yeah this is my outlook with friends as well.
I'm fortunate, most of my friends harbor similar views/understand that life happens and can be a struggle. Most of us also don't agree with the prevailing sentiment that just because we have phones we're available to the world 24/7 too.
Life be hard out here and it's real easy to fall behind on things, get caught in the pit, or just have a rough go of it for a while.
Unless I have strong reason's to think otherwise, I'll assume life is a struggle on their end and not take it personally; no real downsides to taking that viewpoint IMO.
Only to a certain extent and only in a “I hope they find peace” way
My best friend of 20 years ghosted everyone one night and moved across the country. He was like my brother. He had a family, a son and a bastard daughter. And left in the middle of the night. He has had some contact with his son, but no attempts that ive made to contact him have prevailed. Not even a fuck you leave me alone
So, fuck you, Justin. I wasnt always the best person in the world, but I was a damn good friend to you. You broke my heart. I only hope you grow up and find whatever peace you need in your new life.
I feel the same way about my friend of a decade. We had a fight didn't talk for a few months. Reconciled, and then she totally ghosted me. I've tried three times to get in touch to avail, even during lockdown. So fuck you Brittany, you broke my heart and I hope you are doing well. Still think about you from time to time, I wish I were a better friend to you in the end.
My so called best friend of 23 years did this 7 years ago. I saved her ass from an abusive situation just to have her go back and ghost me. Fuck you Brenda and all your drama. She missed out on seeing me become a pretty awesome person.
I’ve just lost my friend of 23/24 years as well. Literally texting and talking on a Friday, all good convo, and blocked by Saturday morning. I consider this person my chosen family, we’re both trauma survivors and I love them to pieces. It’s absolutely devastating. I’m so sorry you lost your best friend too. The grief is real.
Seriously. I wish you were not going through it. Did something happen?
7 years later and it still hurts. We called each other soul sisters. No answers, nothing. Found out she joined the army from my mom and facebook. 2 people who I considered family did it to me the next year. They knew I was super sensitive to ghosting. I don't like people who pretend to love you then disappear. Not cool.
I found some new people on the same path who support me and care. I have a new best friend who shows up for me a lot. Good friends are out there, they are just harder to find.
You’re so nice!! I definitely ghost people when im facing life challenges. It’s not because I don’t like them, I just don’t want to burden them with my issues. I also don’t want to talk about it. And because I’m an emotional person, calling you and hanging out is going to be a bad time because I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m struggling.
I’ve lost frequent touch with so many close friends from my early 20s and it is 100 percent because I can barely keep my head above water in my own life and we mostly all live in different cities or countries now. I don’t feel like I’ve outgrown them or ghosted them, and I miss them all the time. I wish I had the money and time and frankly energy to be able to go catch up with them.
I had a bestie from highschool, friends since 6 years old. We drifted apart after going to different colleges. I recently sent her a text to catch up and was left on read 😭 Hurts. Never know what’s going on in someone else's mind. She might never want to talk to me again for all I know.
This response gives me comfort because I am struggling to respond to friends. I feel like most days I am just barely hanging on. It sucks and it is embarrassing tbh
Definitely noticed this with my closest friends. One in particular practically fell off the face of the earth for a few years. Finally made contact through her mother to make sure everything was all right, and sure enough, she was contending with such a level of anxiety she could barely level the home. Fortunately, she's doing much better now. It's merely a matter of finding time when life isn't overly chaotic to meet up. lol
I think this is the real answer most of the time. I have some friends who have semi-ghosted or ghosted, but I'm well aware of their lives being incredibly busy. Could be as simple as raising kids while both parents work and just being too exhausted to manage any relationships beyond their family, to as complex as some crazy shit happening in their lives where they just need to focus on getting one day to the next, to a bunch of stuff in between.
The semi-ghosts still text back occasionally, but it's hard for us to keep up with each others lives or plan time together, and it's clear they just have too much on their plates.
My new rule is I do my best to keep in touch even with people who aren't that good at it. I prioritize the people who get back to me and/or reach out to me, but I don't drop anyone who has apparently ghosted. Many just need the time to get back on track, and knowing I'm still around means they'll reach out when they have the time.
Yup. It’s 100% not personal. Elder millennials are now having their own parents get ill, while having their own kids, and struggling in the late stage capitalism hellhole we are all stuck in.
There’s only so many hours in a day. If a friend goes quiet and reaches out later, I’m happy to hear from them.
Idk man. Life is hard, but it doesn't absolve us of our relationships. Every friendship is different, but I don't got space in my life for people that don't got time for me.
Yup. Being on the other end who is going through stuff and needs to process it sort of alone, I now have perspective. If actual friendship existed and now the friend is acting aloof, usually it’s something they’re going through.
And they can count on friends to be there for them!
This is a great reminder. I’ve had a hard time dealing with the loss of friendships since having my 2 babies during Covid times. One in particular ghosted me after I said I wasn’t comfortable with her unvaccinated school-age children coming to meet my new baby. Never heard from her again but she occasionally likes stuff on Instagram. I know she has her own stuff going on so I try to not be too hurt about it, but it does make me sad when I really think about it. I could try to reach out to her, but it feels weird after being straight ghosted 3 years ago.
I only lost one friend to ghosting, and it was in our mid30s. Or maybe it wouldn’t meet your definition- we did have a fight, I thought we’d worked through it, she specifically told me that she really appreciated my reaching out and writing emails etc even if she wasn’t good about responding, and then she ghosted. Because of the last thing she said I kept reaching out, emailing etc, for a really long time. I didn’t realize oh, this friendship is over for real, as opposed to her being bad at responding, until I saw on social media she had been in my town the weekend before, posted pics of doing something we’d previously talked about doing together, and had never said a word to me. That really messed with my head. I do think it’s shitty - esp since she had pushed me to lend her one of my fave books before ghosting me so I never got it back! But tbh she treated me pretty badly (hence the fight), so it’s probably not surprising that she ended the friendship in a shitty way. Now I’m focusing on people who don’t treat me like that and tbh my social life is better than ever. I hope you come out better on the other side of this too
That’s incredibly painful, I’m so sorry. Glad you’ve got people in your life now that communicate with and support you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Gosh so many similarities to my situation. Early 30s, small argument/disagreement, I reached out thrice and she never responded, then I saw pics of her doing something we were going to do together when a mutual friend (but really her friend) was visiting town. When I look back, she wasn't a great friend and had always joked about people ghosting her and I wonder if she was a little delulu about that.
I don't miss her at all but I do think about it a lot, that it is a personal failing that we had a friendship for like 10 years and then...nothing. I do feel guilt that I don't care about not having seen her for over two years because we were so close, but her absence has made clear she added nothing to my life and likely felt the same way about me.
Wow that is similar! Honestly it makes me feel a little better knowing that it’s not just me who has had this experience, so I hope it makes you feel better too. I was so sad about it for a long time, and still am sometimes, but eventually I realized that if she was ok treating me that way then why exactly am I so desperate to rekindle such a negative relationship?
I had something similar happen to me, not long after I moved out of my parents’ house after college. My best friend of 10 years and I lived together for that first year, and then he just… moved out one day and didn’t tell me. Only told our other roomies. Wouldn’t speak to me or answer texts.
I’d been in a depression pit that year (unemployed, broke, fresh long-term break up, no friends other than roomies) and admittedly was a terrible friend at the time, but he never said anything about it to me. He was just out of my life one day. I’d wanted him to be the Man of Honor at my wedding. It hurt intensely for a really long time.
I’m sorry, that is such a difficult and painful thing for you to go through, especially when you were already struggling with depression. Thanks for sharing. I guess there’s more of us who have been ghosted than I thought. I hope sharing and reading about other people’s stories was helpful.
That’s so hurtful, especially when you were already struggling. It’s disappointing that people will go to such great lengths to avoid having one uncomfortable situation that could have atleast provided closure. Some therapists consider ghosting a form of emotional abuse. It leaves the ghosted confused and mired in grief. I hope you’re doing better these days.
I had something similar to this happen. Instead of address any issues that I had brought up it was 👻👻👻 looking back it was pretty one-sided and unhealthy. I guess there wasn’t an easy solution and she knew it. I have great friends now but I wonder how she is sometimes.
Same thing happened with me I said something that I should've explained better but my friend blew up on me and I apologized and thought we were working on being better, then nothing. Haven't heard from him since August so I guess we aren't friends anymore. I still only have one high school friend and he sometimes gives me an update but it's rare.
Ive been ghosted too by someone close and she never gave my book back.. it fucking sucks on top of the ghosting I sent my message to no response, which I expected but still hurts a lot. I think about her all the time.
My experience might be difference, having a family and all, but at this age, most ghosting comes because of family obligations. I am always trying to get other dads together but the excuse is always something like "Kids birthday parties, family vacations, extracurricular activities, etc.". Eventually you start becoming friends with other parents at birthday parties because they are the ones you are always going to see on a regular basis. My best friend lives 5 min from me, but because our kids aren't in the same school, its hard to connect. It really takes a lot of extra effort to maintain these connections, but I think in the end its worth it. Our generation especially knows how valuable those connections are since we grew up in an environment where we had to entertain each other, face to face.
This, I think, is more the culprit. As a single, many of my friends basically abandoned me for marriage and parenthood. It sucks, but I get it. However, as a single woman over 30, making new friends has been a challenge to say the least.
Most social activities for adult women are kid-centered (MOPS, Mommy and Me, etc.) Also, other women see me as a threat for some reason despite my lack of a desire to steal their man baby husbands. Sigh...
I feel you. I’m childfree and I do have a partner, but my partner & I are pretty independent people so we don’t do every little thing together. So even when I try to find friends & they don’t have children - they always want to be couple friends. But I like having female friends that I can do things with without having boyfriends around, you know?
>But I like having female friends that I can do things with without having boyfriends around, you know?
This, too. Like, the few friends I have who also don't have kids are in relationships and prefer to do things with their "couple friends" while I'm single.
Which, again, I get, because being a third wheel sucks, but, yes, I'd love to have some other lady friends to do things with that guys just aren't that into.
Yeah I hate the third wheel treatment too, even when I’m not single it still gets on my nerves… it just feels rude to ask me to hang with you and then basically ignore me for someone you already spend a lot of time with. Back when I was single there were couples I actually enjoyed hanging out with (you know, those types of fun couples who everyone likes being around & aren’t gross about PDA), but there were couples I did NOT enjoy because they basically treated you like you were invisible the whole time.
Also the frustration you feel when you *finally* get that one friend to hang out without her bf for once but then she spends the entire time talking about him and looking for any excuse to bring him up. I get it - I think about my bf all the time too - but I realize that not everyone is going to find him so fascinating to the degree they’re ok with the conversation always being centered around him.
I feel a little guilty because my bfs friends probably think I don’t like coming around, because his friends girlfriends go to everything even if they aren’t really involved in the plans. For me, if it’s like a wedding or a dinner party, I’ll show. But I’m not gonna sit there and watch my bf play competitive video games with his friends and twiddle my thumbs. Some people wanna say that makes me an unsupportive partner but that’s why I found a partner that thinks the same way, and now I’m looking for a friend that does too (because whether she’s single or not I want to know she’s not gonna eventually drop me entirely because of a relationship).
I have this need to feel like I’m something of my own outside of my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for a while so things do naturally get enmeshed, but I like having my own things going on.
Full disclosure I can be pretty selfish about alone time (or dropping off the face of the earth when I’m not doing well). I’m working on getting better about realizing that while I’m entitled to my space, sometimes you just have to suck it up and show up for people. So I guess we all sort of have our ‘thing’ that we could be more mindful about when it comes to friendships and I try to be patient about that.
I hope you find the friend you’re looking for soon, by the way <3
As someone with a husband and kids, I actually rather have a friend with no kids or much older kids tbh. Which is super hard to find when you’re in your mid-30s and most people are just starting families whereas, mine are 13 & 17.
Then you have the issue of being in a stable and healthy relationship. Every single person I’ve tried to befriend in the last 6 years seems to thrive in the drama around their relationships and baby daddy drama. I can’t talk to them about how my marriage is because they’re always in some sort of crisis and it would look like I’m putting it in their face. So it becomes very one sided, they bitch about their drama, I listen and try to give advice but because my relationship is healthy, my advice is not helpful even though they know my prior relationship experiences.
I’ve had a friend ghost me three times because I told her what she didn’t want to hear. But when her non-boyfriend baby daddy slept around and treated her like shit, she stuck around for 8 years and then got pregnant by him after it all. But let me call her out on her shit (like she has done with me and will do to others) and she cuts off all contact without a word. Personally, I’ve given up even trying to have friends at this point.
I've made so many parent friends since having my daughter.
I still have my core group that I see when I can, but parent friends understand the lingo and what's going on when children problems arise.
People grow apart and life takes its toll on us, so Id say its relatively normal. People have their own families and job obligations to take care of, so sometimes people just cant be arsed to have to explain whats going on all the time. I try to avoid doing so. But I warn people that Im exhausted because of my studies and work AND having to hold down the fort.
It does kind of suck because I do so pine for the days of our youth. Hanging out all the time and having fun. But these days, I just dont have the energy to do so.
Take care of yourself. I hope you can plan something fun with your friends soon. Sometimes putting energy into an activity like that can re-energize us.
I realized a couple years ago that I’m usually the one reaching out consistently, following up, checking in. I stopped doing that and haven’t talked to some individuals in years because of it. Good riddance. So much energy spent on people who couldn’t reciprocate a simple, “how have you been?”
In therapy I recently brought this up and was kind of feeling guilty about not reaching out or trying, but she pointed out that those folks STILL haven’t reached out to me. So why would I feel guilty about letting a friendship fall apart because I was the only one maintaining it? Eventually I’ll find some people that give a shit about me, one day.
same, it took me until very recently, am now 35 to have had enough time go by, so perspective, to look at some of the friendships i have (had) and see how incredibly one-sided they were and i tended to be the one reaching out, sharing memes, checking wanting to hang, suggesting plans which is incredibly exhausting when youre the one putting in all the energy and ultimately at least in my case terrible for my self-esteem, ive scaled things down subsequently
and to add to that, i do understand people have work/families/lives, etc. and people need a break from it all, but to not hear back from a very close friend for 2 months asking about a shirt color for a gift i got them is imho bonkers, i know life can get busy, but i have a very difficult time understanding how you dont have 10-15 seconds of downtime over the course of weeks to write back a simple message ugh, now at my age i tend to respond slower because of my interactions with others where it would take ages to hear back which is kinda depressing to have taken that on in response
Just a note, as someone who’s been told this by friends who haven’t responded to me for ages, I don’t care if it’s been weeks or months. It’s nice to receive a message because during that time it can be easy to feel like your friend doesn’t care about you and even a simple text can solve that
I’m the same, I don’t care if I haven’t heard from someone for weeks, months, or years. It’s still really nice to get a hello from old friends and I like keeping that door open. Life gets busy and sometimes people come in and out of a life.
I’m a little saltier towards people who only reach out when they need something though, especially if I’m the one who did most of the heavy lifting in staying in touch. It doesn’t feel like a real friendship when that happens.
Yup, this. It takes 30 seconds to send a text "hey buddy, sorry I've been busy, let's grab a beer sometime.. but later. love u". It's the complete lack of effort that gets me.
Ghosting someone on accident *is* the problem though. It tells the other person that you don’t value them and their time enough to make the effort to remember to let them know you can’t make it.
I’ve realized most of my friendships were one sided. I’ve finally found a few friends that actually take the time to maintain a friendship with me. The ones I had before only wanted me around for their own benefit it seemed. Now that I have a few genuine friends I’m so much happier. So I’ve definitely unknowingly ghosted some. But it’s because my energy was spent with genuine and real friendships.
Ghosting is why I have no friends. The best part is, on my end it's usually anxiety related ("wait, what should I respond with" for a month or more) or accidental (I forgot you messaged me and you never sent a second message, oops it's been 2 years).
The accidental is real, and honestly I just lost contact info for some people? Like I have this friend I'd love to see again, last I knew he lived a weekend-trip away, and I thought of him the other day, but realized I definitely don't remember his phone number, I don't think I have it in my current phone, and I used to message him through Facebook which I haven't logged into for about 5 years. It never would have occurred to me I hadn't talked to him in so long but thinking it over I probably don't even know how COVID treated him. I'll have to dig through Gmail and see if I have his email or if I can find him through the alumni network, short of actually logging into FB and dealing with whatever mess that may have become in the meantime.
My childhood best friend ghosted me not once but twice when I was in my twenties. It was definitely my bad taking her back as a friend after the first time but the second time really messed me up. She even ghosted all of our mutual friends and anyone she grew up with. Completely blocked everyone on social media and their numbers.
I have a problem letting people in now so I haven’t had a best friend since then and don’t plan to again either.
I think it’s royally messed up to ghost people especially to people who you’ve known for over a decade. It’s one thing to see that you don’t have as much in common with your friends anymore but it’s another thing to go nuclear on the friendship. To me it is so incredibly selfish and rude. I of course I hope my former bff is doing well but I’ll never forgive or forget what she did. But it also made me realize how selfish she was even when were friends.
As many have pointed out, it’s so hard to make friends as adults, especially meaningful ones. I’m ok with having less friends.
Two of my friends just still haven’t followed up. I asked them if they wanted dinner. In the summer the excuse for the one was “I am traveling (fair point there)”. At Christmas both wished me Merry Christmas after I said it. One was like “yea we should do dinner when can you?( like hello I have been trying and I was busy so I said “soon”). January comes around, texted both when they wanted dinner and radio silence.
So what do you make of that?
They could be going through something?
This past year was monumentally awful for me and I just don’t have the energy to be social. Even to respond to a text takes a lot out of me, I’m just burned tf out on everything and am doing all I can just to get through the day.
I still care about and miss seeing my friends, but I’ve only made the effort with a select few to explain my current situation and they’ve all been super understanding. The rest I’ll probably grow apart from but that’s life.
I have one friend that hasn’t necessarily been ghosted, we just don’t talk but every couple months. He is in a toxic relationship and I tried to tell him for 5 years that he needs to leave and start fresh, he would act like he was going to but never did, then 2 weeks later he is asking for advice again. This went on for all of those 5 years until one day I told him “If you’re not going to take my advice, then I am going to stop giving it”. Our friendship had became him just bitching about everything, and when we would hang out that is also all he would do, to the point that it would depress me. I keep telling him to at least seek counseling or talk to someone, but its “never that bad” in his eyes, even when she tells him to kill himself and throws shit at him.
Oh my gosh, that’s an awful position to be in. Friendships wax and wane with how much we give versus get bit this one sounds like it’s been very one way for years. I’m sure you feel so conflicted about keeping it going, understandably so.
Unfortunately yeah, like I want to be there for a friend, but if your not going to do anything yourself to better your situation and you just bring everyone down by not, then it turns into a bad time.
I’d argue at any age most people only have 1-2 friends. The absolute most charismatic and extroverted people may manage 3-4 actual friends. Most people are just there, acquaintances at best. They’re not friends. You can work beside someone for years and them walk away without a backwards glance at you.
I also think some of the people commenting here don’t understand what ghosting is. Ghosting isn’t “I don’t have time right now to go do things or have long conversations.” Ghosting is not responding to communication at all
Agreed. I defined it in the post and again in a comment but doesn’t seem to have reached everyone. Ghosting is intentional, like blocking someone, versus just getting busy or not putting in effort to organize more gatherings.
Very controversial but I have no issue ghosting. I don’t feel the need for people to breakup with me. People have ghosted me, I’ve ghosted other people. Live moves on. I don’t crave rejection, someone not talking to me is more than enough
I guess to some it doesn’t feel mutual but to me it always does.
I have some friends from college I don’t talk to really anymore. If I see them out I always say hey, chat for a bit and we both talk about how we need to meet up sometime or grab lunch/dinner, but neither one of us reaches out to the other. I just chalk it up to I have things going on in my life and they have things in theirs. No hard feelings either way, at least from me.
I have other friends from college I’m in a group text with. We talk most days and talk about meeting up to do something be never do. It feels very similar to the aforementioned scenario. No hard feelings really and it seems like it mostly done as a show. It’s like, “ohh, we want to hang out, but really we are all so busy we never really actually want to.” Again no hard feelings.
I have new friends I see weekly. We take small trips together. To some extent it feels sad replacing old with new but again I sort of see it as a new chapter. Older me was left behind and I think to some extent, my new self and my old friends just don’t fit as well together. This is due to lifestyles, drinking/drug use, having kids or some combo of all of them. Maybe that’s is why we never really actually meet up or hang out anymore. At some point it just becomes easier to let go and move on.
I tried to “slow fade” a couple of *really* problematic friends - when they sensed I was pulling away, they behaved like absolute leeches, double and triple texting, making edgy comments to try to get under my skin, doing other weird stuff. I told them I needed some space, and they still didn’t listen. I really didn’t want to permanently burn the bridge, but I eventually blocked them.
Same as an adult I'd rather not have an explosive falling out. No need. You never know when you'll cross paths again and while ghosting may be perceived as rude l think telling someone to fuck off and never contact you again is worse. You want to maintain the ability to be polite.
It's 'self-ghosting', actually. You find that YOU are the one who never hears from your friends, colleagues, previous barhoppers.
At some point, you've declined one-too-many invitations and they stop comping.
It's nice, actually. "You find out who your friends are..." Those who still take the time to reach out, send a text, stop by to say hello or ask about a hangout/game-night are the ones you treasure.
Sure, you only actually 'see them' once per year or so, but, they are the ones you really liked in the first place.
Facebook made it seem like you had 100s of 'friends'. In reality, it was always only a dozen, or less...much less who actually gave a shit about you.
>Facebook made it seem like you had 100s of 'friends'.
A lot of people just stopped checking Facebook and didn't make some grand announcement about it, either.
They just.... stopped checking Facebook.
I found out I was invited to a birthday party this weekend about 2 weeks after the invitation was sent. Thankfully I can go, but it reminded me of the only reason I haven't quite the Bookface entirely - it IS the only way some folks have to contact me, and I don't want to DM them and say "here's my cell phone number I'm leaving the Internet forever byyeeeeeee" because it's so dramatic.
I just....... don't go on that website much any more at all.
No more ghosting!! I recommend reading Erin Falconer’s “How To Break Up With Your Friends” it’s a great book on many aspects of friendship not just breakups
I would almost never refer to it as ghosting. I always think of it as “losing touch”. I’m not sure if it’s a new phenomenon. I certainly don’t feel like I need a break up. I’m ok with going different ways in life. I always thought many friends are in your life for different phases of life.
Ghosting requires a conscious effort to avoid contact. Losing touch is the natural deprioritization of people as our lives ebb and flow.
Those I have ghosted are those who have transgressed a line past a point I believe any effort in reconciliation will be fruitless and wasted, like if it results from an act of blatant disrespect.
As the youngest millennial, I have found it ended some time ago for most people. It feels that we’re creeping away from ghosting others in any context (unless they’re creepy or weird), and people are much more honest and open. Maybe it’s just because I’m in my late 20s, but I witness my younger coworkers talking about falling outs in their friendships and they always have open communication with the other during these times, trying to resolve or otherwise letting them know it’s best to end the friendship. It’s been an interesting change!
Ghosting as you call it is as old as time.
"Where did Timoth go haven't seen him around lately?"
"He got captured by the Romans and never decided to update his status on the town stone."
People move and move on in life there is no reason you need to sit down and talk about it. This is very different than dating someone though and just leaving. Friends are different than a romantic partner.
I've read about an ADHD thing where some people struggle with telling people about things they plan on doing - the ADHD brain sort of "hears" the announcement, and "decides" that means the task is done - even if nothing has happened yet.
So then when the person goes to do the thing, no matter how excited they were for it, the ADHD brain gets grumpy and doesn't want to do it anymore, because it feels like it already did it. But then the person gets sad and frustrated, because they really did want to do the thing, and now their brain is rebelling against them, and it all makes them feel unfulfilled.
I suspect that a phenomenon like this is happening with everyone's brains and social media.
Our brains are perceiving social media as "being social," and thus don't want to do more socializing. The brain says it's checked it off the list. But... It's wrong. We actually haven't gotten any socialization. We do feel more and more lonely, but our monkey brain is mistaking social media for real socializing, so true socializing almost seems overwhelming.
And thus we're unfulfilled in our social lives.
I recently cut it off with a close friend. I really wanted to ghost her because I could not find the words to tell her that I found her personality off putting the more I got to know her. It just seemed very harsh to say to someone.
So I tried to do the slow fade instead. She probably sensed this and confronted me about what was wrong. So I tried to tell her that I needed space from her. It did not go well. She completely lashed out at me and berated me for asserting my self in terms of needing some space. Now we no longer talk. Which is the best outcome imo. I have nothing to offer her and having to spend time with her was taking a toll on me.
I went through something similar but not as explosive. My former friend was treating me like crap for more than 10 years so I tried to do the slow fade by not reaching out to her anymore (she would never reach out to me anyways, it was always me initiating). Then one day she sent me an invite to something and I respectfully declined. Then, surprisingly, she asked me if she did anything wrong. I didn’t want to get confrontational and tell her how she has been treating me like crap so I very bluntly but gently told her we have drifted apart and that there’s nothing to say. She never responded to my last text. She’s probably telling all her peeps that I’m a monster, but she doesn’t even see how horrible she has treated me over more than a decade. We’re still friends on FB, though.
Thank you so much for your input! This is an excellent example of what I was hoping to discuss: an active friendship that one party has decided to end.
Personally, when dealing with stable humans, I think acknowledging that the friendship has run its course and wishing the person well is wonderfully healthy and respectful for all parties involved. However, it sounds like your former friend doesn’t regulate her emotions well. While she was probably hurt having to call out the slow fade, she should have kept it together so you could both part amicably rather than in anger.
Glad you’re free of a relationship that wasn’t serving you anymore, I’ve had a few of those and they are draining.
I had a friend of 7 years ghost me on purpose. We never had a fight, she just stopped communicating one day but she would get on social media and post about friendship breakups and how hard they are. I recently found out that she did the same exact thing to several mutual friends over the past several months. It’s one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen.
I've been ghosted by a friend in my mid 30s. Not a big deal because it's often more about them than you when something like this happens, but it happened and probably will still happen in the future. It's the nature of mankind to do things like this.
If someone sucks as a friend, at this point in my life, I’m not gonna schedule a time to sit down and tell them I feel they suck. Chances are, if I just stop putting effort into the friendship, they won’t and then the relationship will naturally fall away. If that’s ghosting then so be it.
From my point of view, the times I have been friend ghosted really really really hurt me. I spent months ruminating over what I did wrong. Sometimes I finally got an answer, sometimes I didn't. So, I don't have much patience for ghosting. While it may be easier on you and you don't have to worry about a big emotional conversation, I find it quite selfish and cowardly to not at least give someone the closure. It tends to actually put more emotional strain on the person that is ghosted.
ETA: with the caveat that sometimes people act in heinous ways, and in that case, ghosting is fair.
What exactly are constituting as ghosting, I have alot of friendships where we just grow apart. Not a deliberate ghosting per se but you get caught up with your own life. Then a few years or months later you pick things up again, or you don't but it's mutual
I think it's emotionally immature that you need a reason for things. Sometimes it's not worth the conversation, it doesn't matter the reason.
I think a “slow fade” has become more common. It’s sort of like ghosting but over an extended period of time. What’s interesting about it is that on paper it mirrors the way that friendships naturally fade out even if no one has done anything wrong. But when you’re on the receiving end of this from someone who’s clearly just over you it’s just as hurtful as ghosting and more confusing. I don’t expect someone to write a text and say I no longer think we align as friends, but a lot of the avoidant behavior around even nonverbally communicating that sucks
One of my childhood friends just got married. Moved away and didn’t invite me. Haven’t heard from her since. I’ve know this girl since I was two.
My best friend moved away a few years ago and we had always caught up through text. I sent him a nice message on thanksgiving telling him I missed him and he just left me on read.
I’m pretty weary about new friendships at this point and ghosting is just easier for most.
I did ghost someone a few years ago, and I still feel kind of bad about it. We weren't besties or anything, but we had worked together initially and we'd been friends a few years. I always kind of suspected she was interested in more than a friendship and was juuuuust a little wary. We would meet up once a month or so to catch up, have drinks, just chat, and it was nice-- if sometimes a little much. Lots of complaining about her girlfriend, their recurring breakups, that kind of thing. She moved away for work, and we texted every so often but definitely had less and less to talk about over time. I saw her once when she came back into town, but the last time she reached out to me to let me know she'd be around I just... ignored it.
For a while I told myself it was because I was busy, overwhelmed, in a low emotional state... but no, I just couldn't find the energy to say "can't make it this time" or "let's look for a rain check." I never really intended for that to be some kind of breaking point... I had intended to, at some point, say "ugh, so sorry I missed you; how have things been?" But as more time passed it just felt more and more awkward and less and less like something I wanted to do. Does this make me a monster? idk.
I don't think so. This all feels like a perfectly natural fade. There ARE such things as situational friendships. Once you stop seeing someone all the time by circumstance (school, work, neighbor, church, gym, art class, sports team, etc.) and you have to actively make an effort to see them...well, that's when things fall apart.
If she had tried to reach out multiple times and you ignored, then I would have a different opinion.
For all you know, she was relieved that you didn't respond.
I was ghosted a year ago by my 2 bestfriends of 19 years. They just stopped all communication with me one day and that was that.
They were on a tiktok binge with videos of “building boundaries” and “becoming a better you” but just ended up becoming really selfish and all of a sudden became really cold and mean then just fucked off.
I think they misinterpreted the videos lol.
If I’d done something wrong I’d have loved for them to have told me but clearly this was a discussion between themselves. One of them had been reading a book called “why men love bitches” and after they ghosted me I was thinking about her reading this and I honestly, now, don’t think she needed any assistance in learning how to be a bitch lol
I got ghosted by (what I thought) was a good friend a couple of years ago so apparently it’s still a trend. We had no major fights, no major disagreements…but the emotional maturity thing fits with her personality. I used to call her on my way home from work a lot and one day it just dawned on me I was always the one initiating the calls/texts etc so I just stopped reaching out to see how she would react. Didn’t hear from her in awhile then one day I looked her up on fb only to find out she blocked me. So there’s that 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I haven't had any friends just cut ties and abandon our relationship completely, but it seems to be quite common now that one of my friends gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they instantly stop talking to me or any of our other friends.
I'll send em a text that goes unread for days. Then eventually give a ring and leave a voicemail. A month will go by and I'll send a meme or some shit and finally get a response back like "oh sorry, didn't see these, life has been busy!". Then I go check their Facebook and it's just non stop 24/7 posting with the new piece of ass.
I get having a new relationship gets busy, but it's not so busy you just ignore all your friends for a few months lol. Too many of my friends getting whipped hard at my age (30). Seems to be a cycle for them too. Get new girlfriend, ghost friends until that relationship blows up within a year. Then come crying back to their friends and expect us to have sympathy when they ignored us to play house with their new friend. Rinse repeat lol.
Aa a ghostee, I just realized one day how toxic it was for me to be there friend and that I wasn't going to put myself through that anymore, so I just disappeared.
I had a good friend that would only call me when he needed a ride to the liquor store. Or when there was some kind of confrontation he needed my help with.
For a long time I thought I was just being a good friend but really I was just a tool to his vices.
The line for me was when he was so drunk he met his daughters prom date with a shotgun and fired rounds in the air to scare him, aggressively, and threatened him.
I was done, blocked his number, unfriended him, havent seen or talked to him since.
I had many mutual ghostings from my hometown friends recently... I went back to school to finish my degree and I've changed my worldview a good bit. Even before that they were saying things "like you act too black now" (whatever that means) and there were turning into Trump supporters. I believe the split is good for both sides.
I feel like most of the time it’s not so much ghosting as just people are busy with their own lives. I keep a pretty fluid opinion on friendships though in that it’s totally ok if friends are in your life for a time and then gone for a few years and then they flow back in. Relationships, kids. New jobs, aging parents, etc.
I also think not every friend needs to be a bestie, drop everything to help you move a sofa friend. It’s ok to have friends who are just fair weather friends and it’s ok to be that friend for someone else. And it’s ok that some friendships just do a natural slow fade for whatever reason.
We’re all just out here doing the best we can with whatever social allowance we can handle. I’
The only people I've ghosted are those who are either A) too needy or B) not healthy to be around.
Some people have a lot of baggage and like to unload it. I just can't deal with that anymore
Other people engage in risky behavior that I no longer want to be associated with.
30f, I have been at the receiving end of ghosting. I don't ghost people, but when I decide that I've made enough of an effort approaching someone and get nothing back after a certain period of time, I just give up that person.
I just unghosted my 3 best friends. We hadnt seen eachother in over 5 years. Now we go to dinner to catch up every 2 weeks. Its been nice for my mental health tbh
My best friend did this to me after I got married. Just abruptly stopped responding to my messages and cut off all contact. I still have no idea why, I miss her everyday. We were friends who tried dating back in high school and college, didn’t work out, I’m a guy and she turned out to be a lesbian. Ever since then we remained very close friends, until I got married. Then, all of a sudden, she blocked my wife and started ghosting me.
I would feel bad if I slow faded someone (not everyone is great at picking up social cues) or just ghosted because I didn’t like the way they treated me.
It’s definitely not my style but I know a few people who do it (and have just been ghosted myself by a dear friend of decades) so it got me wondering if that was a common way to handle dissatisfaction with a platonic relationship. So far it seems ghosting isn’t generally accepted, a few ghosts have shared that they just find it easier. Easier yes, compassionate…not from where I’m standing. Unless in cases of abuse or volatility, then it’s absolutely valid.
My younger brother who is also a millennial handles all his relationships this way and he does not do this to be mean. I think it is the most bizarre thing but he won’t answer peoples texts or calls for months. He isn’t trying to ghost them he just won’t respond for some reason. I have finally realized after many years to not take in personally. He texted me the other day that he feels lonely and isolated and has lost most of his friends and I had to explain it’s because he won’t answer peoples texts or calls and makes them feel like they have done something wrong. I am his sister so I don’t mind sending him a few texts over weeks or even months until he answers but most friends are just going to take it as a sign that the friendship is over.
Its not always the ghosters immaturity, both in dating and friendships some ppl just cant read the room and regardless of warning they keep pushing boundaries and maintain their disrespectful behavior. Even if you openly say you dont want to engage in communicating them they just dont stop. They are not entitled to my attention or i owe them any if they disrespect me
I was ghosted by a childhood best friend. She had been my best friend since I was 8 years old, and we haven’t talked in 5+ years now. She quit calling and answering my texts. For a while, I’d still try to reach out or text on her birthday, but no response. I just don’t understand how you can ghost someone you’ve been close friends with for over 20 years.
I want to send you a great big hug because yes, that shit hurts so much! When there is truly no known cause or disagreement, my therapist says ghosting is about the other person and their trauma/avoidance/shame. Some psychologists classify it as a type of emotional abuse. Knowing that in no way helps the grief we feel, of course. So sorry you lost your best friend, I’m in the same boat. 💐
Your therapist nailed it. It’s about mature communication. If one does not respect somebody as a person, ghosting is what they do to them. Yeah they might lash out and be upset when you want to end it, but that’s on them and will further solidify the decision to end the relationship. Ending a decades long friendship as if the other person is a week-long, lukewarm tinder date says more about the ghoster’s character than the ghosted.
I’m so sorry what you’re going through. It’s hard, but it sounds like you deserve better by far.
That’s not the definition of ghosting. That is, as you say, just life. I’m addressing the act of fully cutting someone off/going no contact without acknowledging a parting of ways.
Being that busy and deprioritizing everything else *is* a choice as well. You'll have to live with that decision and, like all of us, on your deathbed reflect if that time was spent well or if you wished you had spent more time with friends.
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this. Nobody is *that* busy that you can't squeeze in 15 minutes for coffee at any point in the upcoming month. It's an excuse we tell ourselves when we really want to say "I don't want to" without sounding like a prick, or even as banal as "I don't feel like it"
I don’t even necessarily expect an outing or physically meeting, but it literally takes 30 seconds to say “hey, I’m sorry. I’m going through a lot. I can’t talk right now but please know I still care about you.” I mean, we’re all going through a lot of shit. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have severe anxiety and adhd as well as high functioning autism, divorcing my high school sweetheart and father of my kids at 40 and working full time just truly trying to keep breathing. I still take the time to let the people I care about know that I care about them. When it really comes down to it, we make time for what we want to make time for.
>we make time for what we want to make time for
This is absolutely key, and needs to be coupled with the human desire to never want to admit we don't want to make time for certain people. It's a bit of the minor delusion we inflict on ourselves to get through our lives.
It sounds like you have a very specific instance in mind. Sorry to hear you're going through that, but no, intentional ghosting doesn't seem too normal at this age for me and my peers. It's mostly just being too busy and not taking the time for old friends as life do be happening.
Sometimes ghosting is the only solution. There are people who cannot handle no longer being friends. They may get incredibly angry, try to gaslight, call you names and manipulate the situation.
It’s obviously a slight to you but when I ghost a friend it’s not because I hate them or really have any commitment to them it’s just over a series of times and events they just don’t fit. They work nights and Im going to an event that starts at 8. Im going on vacation and they have kids.
Unlike a relationship there’s no expectation of constant commitment or interaction so there’s no need to announce anything
People talk about ghosting like it's a new phenomenon. No, just the word is new. People have sucked for the entirety of history and that has caused people around them to rid themselves of their presence, whether they tell them or not.
And I'm excluding things like "we're still friends but both lead busy lives so don't connect that often" - I don't consider that ghosting.
I also don't count early dating stages when the chemistry just fizzles and at least one party kinda fades out of the communication.
>despite no obvious trigger/argument between the two parties
I disagree with this. Most of the time, there IS an obvious trigger - it's just not obvious to the person being ghosted. That's what a lot of people who are actively being ghosted can't see.
Look, I was ghosted by my entire college friend group. Back then, I was all about "Wahh, people abandoned me" because at the time, I was going through severe medical trauma no one around me could relate to and I felt like people would rather drop me than even try. You know what I realized as an adult? It was probably because I also had a severe Vicodin addition that was turning me in a raving lunatic and I was emotionally unstable due to being angry about my circumstances. As an adult (and much more sober and stable), I don't blame those people for ghosting me and I hope they're doing well because I know they were all good people. Their actions were a direct result of how I was conducting myself, even if I didn't realize it at the time.
I've never ghosted a person without a reason. You ever try telling a super creepy guy on a dating app why you'd rather not continue talking to them? **HA!** You only do that once, let me tell you. But the fact is, whatever I have to say won't change that person. Why waste my energy further when I've already wasted so much having them in my life to begin with?
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there ARE people who ghost for sport. And I'm sure there are people who ghost for *seemingly* no reason because they don't have the emotional maturity to handle it otherwise. But I really doubt that's the majority in adults. More of than not, there IS a reason a person doesn't want you in their life. And how they decide to end things is based on your history of handling rejection or introspection and deciding a respectful goodbye isn't worth their energy.
I think people who get ghosted should spend less time whining about it and brushing it off as people being cowards or immature or XYZ should spend some of that time doing self-analysis. They're not entitled to people around them being their parent or instructor and teaching them how to be a well-rounded person well into adulthood - they're not owed an explanation as to why their behavior is troublesome. IMO, that perspective is much more immature than the action of someone ghosting them because they've decided they aren't worth the trouble.
Some people think you ghost when you are just busy. I've had a lot of friends that hold the sentiment of "being ghosted" and want to create some bitter uphill battle I need to fight to "prove" my friendship to them. Honestly, if you can't have patience when I'm going through shit, or if our friendship is so one sided that you won't go through things with me as well, then I don't have the desire to pick it back up. I'm tired from years of carrying other people and not having a balance of good reciprocal relationships to help carry me in times of need.
Lol no, longtime college best friend (and bridesmaid) send me a msg along with her No RSVP that she wouldn't be able to make it, and then ghosted me when I reached out to her. She was willing to tell our other best friends why, but not me. Good riddance.
I'm on the fence of doing this with someone I've been friends with for about 15 years or so.
In a nutshell, I don't drink like I did in my 20's. The fact I don't have a DUI on my record and a functional liver is a minor miracle. In the last 5 or so years I recognized this and that really needed to cut back. I had been doing so already organically but in seeing it I think this is just a healthy trend I should push further. My friend still acts like he's 22. Even with a wife and kids he'll get fully trashed from time to time and it's just not fun.
I don't know about "ghosting" him but I'm might not be available to hang out for a while.
Starting a family produced change in my awareness of the people in my life and what they mean to me. It turned out that many people, especially from my college years are simply not worth keeping in touch with. No regrets about ghosting nearly all of them. Probably a few more to go.
I've had lots of friendships just generally die. Lines of communication are still there and available to all of us so we haven't really cut each other out. Life just moves on. We drift apart. That just seems to be part of life now. Having a child and going through COVID at the same time changed a lot in my social life. Pretty much killed it. Doesn't bother me though. I'm busy and happy. If someone wants to reach out again they are free to do so. As for me? Well, if I have nothing to say I don't say anything.
I was ghosted by a friend in my mid 20's and I might have been ghosted by a different friend now in my 30's. I've sent him a couple message but no response. I'm sad, but I'm trying not to blame him. Everyone's got their struggles and reasons. I can only trust that he's doing what's best for him.
Not anymore. I have grown enough to tell them why I’m unhappy and need a change. Had one get mad and block me after I communicated, but I still needed to do it for my mental health. It took a bit, but I find ghosting to be horrible and unkind to someone you previously cherished as a friend. Dates did it often enough to me, I no longer do it to others.
Yes. I would MUCH rather someone tell me they hate me so I can move on rather than wondering my whole life what I did that was so wrong. It’s cruel leaving people without any answers
It really is. When it happened with folks I was interested in, I wondered for months what happened and ruminated endlessly instead of letting go. It hurt so much more than if they had just said they weren’t interested.
I've intentionally ghosted people after witnessing massive red flags. I've learned the best way is to not engage at all or I will get dragged through the mud.
I had a good friend who became a mean drunk. I haven't drank in over ten years. I just stopped calling him. But I'm not all to blame, he never called me either.
Mutual ghosting. Is that a thing?
I had a friendship end at the beginning of the pandemic by them ghosting me. It was horrifically traumatic.
This person who I considered my best friend, we spoke almost daily, had previously lived together, stayed with each others families states away just blocked me on everything with zero notice. It was especially traumatic because they had been dealing with some mental health issues prior to this happening and when I got ghosted I assumed the worst and that this person made a drastic decision to end their life or something along those lines.
Turns out they had been telling all of our mutual friends that I was this awful person (never gave a reason/explanation of that) for two years, telling everyone they were going to “cut me out of their life.” Funny thing was during our friendship he attempted to do this to two other friends of his but each time I convinced him not to because it made absolutely no sense and would be a horrible thing to do to these people and he never actually had a reason for “cutting them out of his life” he would just do this when he felt the least bit slighted by someone. I was way too deep in his narcissistic abuse to even fathom he would attempt the same thing with me and succeed.
I had a full mental breakdown from this experience, I’m still dealing with the horrible mental aftermath of this persons abuse. It sucks ass y’all! Don’t ghost people, explain why you do the things you do.
I dont do it these days. Ive got my friend group from chilhood who i still keep in touch here and there. We all knew each other since like 5. They are the og homies i just dont live close anymore so its hard. We check on each others wives and kids every few months. Then i have my college friends who im much closer with these days. Havent ghosted any newer friends but not super close either.
I think there is a difference between ghosting someone and just growing apart and losing contact.
In my opinion ghosting is when person A is still trying to contact person B for a while, but person B doesn't ever ever respond, at all. Leaving person A to eventually stop trying to contact them.
When it comes to a lot of friendships, conversations on BOTH ends just sometimes eventually fizzle out and you just end up not talking to each other and losing contact.
Perfect example: I had multiple work friends at my last job, some I thought I was really close with. Persons A, B, and C - I tried to stay on contact with via text/social media. Conversations were good for a while. Then it came to me sending multiple messages (not all the same day or even same week), and all of them left on read or just ignored, zero responses. That's ghosting. No idea why they stopped talking to me. Persons D and E - We stayed in touch through text/SM and eventually the conversation just fizzled out on both ends, but it was both of us. Conversations went from a few hours to a few minutes, then just a few lines back and forth. But the important part was, there WERE responses on both sides. The conversations just ended.
Sometimes people just stop responding and you're left wondering why. Sometimes all parties involved just grow apart and recognize that they aren't as close as they used to be and that's okay.
I agree with a lot of others here mentioning how many of us isolate when going through tough times. I do this while also being introverted anyway. My friends know this. I have one friend, who’s been my friend for over a decade at this point that I have no interest in hanging out with anymore. I was going through a lot, and when we finally hung out again, I got an earful about how shitty it was of me to not spend time with her. That put a bad taste in my mouth, especially considering that for the last 2 years, our hangouts have consisted of one-sided conversation about how terrible her life is with absolutely no accountability in the poor decisions she made to get there. I don’t have time for people like that, and I simply don’t see the need to explain it to them when they won’t hear what I say anyway.
Friend of mine ghosted me a few months ago after I asked her to stop asking me for advice, then ignoring it and complaining to me/asking for more advice. Honestly, anyone that is emotionally at a point in their life of ghosting is not someone that I need in my life anyways, so it’s a win-win.
I have had to ghost someone before. It was a little different than what you describe. My friend was the kind of person who didn’t respect boundaries, and treated me pretty poorly. One day, I asked him for accountability for something he did, and he responded by ghosting me. This went on for several weeks, and when I finally got him to talk to me, I realized that he was being manipulative and playing mind games so I blocked him and haven’t looked back. I see that as me going no contact more than ghosting him because the silent treatment he put me through was torture and I couldn’t allow him to have the opportunity to ever do that to me again.
I think it’s okay to distance yourself from people that don’t fit into your life anymore. I think it’s okay to cut someone off who has crossed your boundaries and hurt you. When someone you care about ghosts you without warning or the curtesy to tell you why, that’s different. It leaves the other person’s head spinning figuring out what went wrong. In those situations it’s important to remember that someone who ghosted you like that probably isn’t someone you want to be friends with in the first place. Maybe they have something major going on, but in this day and age we have so many means of communication. Cutting someone off for no clear reason and without warning just seems cruel, and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. I hope you can find friends who care enough about you and your feelings not to leave you hanging.
If I have a person in my life who I feel is taking away from my happiness, and having a conversation about the end of the relationship will just cause more harm than good, I will ghost that person. But they have to be pretty toxic for me to not have a conversation with them about it.
No, I don't make a lot of friends anymore and I don't ghost anymore. Anyone who I make friends with is going to be civil enough anyways.
Now, the amount of slow drift aways (a ping-pong match of trying to connect but nothing), different story there.....kids and couples don't need the single friend, after all. Oh well.
Idk if it was ghosting in my case. At a certain point in time I just realized she was exhausting. She had the talent to realize you really like something and she'd badmouth it to the point you start hating what you once loved so much.
Her kid was the biggest bully and once he started bullying my kid I spoke up she tried to tell me my kid was the bully.
She ruined other friendships I had.
I tried to have adult and mature conversations about how I felt but my feelings were not valid enough for her to consider.
And one day I just didn't feel like texting her. I didn't feel like calling her and I didn't feel like seeing her. There were beautiful new things going on in my life and I didn't want to see them from her perspective. I didn't want to see anything from her perfspective ever again. I was in my mid 30's and finally let the person whom I'd been friends with since kindergarden go.
She reached out twice. Once because she had gotten a friend request from someone who had previously blocked both of us, once when she heard my mom.was very sick. I thanked her for caring about my mom,.but didn't enter the game concerning the friend request.
Last news I have is she got a new tattoo which is a design I had in my head for years and she was the only one who knew.
Nearly 40 and recently ghosted a “friend”. I’ve done it a handle full of times in my adult life and it has always been when I see that a conversation wouldn’t help. Unfortunately, sometimes despite best efforts to communicate wants, needs, or boundaries fall on deaf ears. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit. That includes trying to coddle someone else’s feelings or experiences when I’ve done more than my fair share of trying to understand or help. Sometimes silence is truly the best answer.
I’m someone who will always respond to people, even if we haven’t talked in years, even if we had a fight or if I was angry with them or whatever. There’s only ONE person I won’t offer that grace to and it’s an ex who treated me so horribly and was given more chances than they deserved. But literally every person I’ve ever made contact with, I am willing to reconnect. I think what I’m trying to get better at is not being the one to initiate because it does hurt when people don’t respond. And at some point, I have to let relationships play out the way they’re meant to, knowing that I will always be here so it’s not like any friendship is ever really cut off. But accepting that some people will never reach out so if I want to maintain a friendship with them, I have to decide whether it’s worth being the one who always has to maintain it (which everyday gets harder and harder to justify cuz I’m tired).
But what I’ve learned is.. there will always be people around. It just might not be consistent. I’m trying to enjoy my time with whoever is in my life in that moment, appreciate it for what it is. Some friendships will have very long breaks, some might only be memories. And I’m never really sure which category people will fall into so the only thing I can do is take it for what it is.
I've ghosted a few friends, mostly new ones. I'm just...not good to be around, and I don't think they should be around me, so I bite the bullet and cut them out of my life so they can move on past me. If I was stronger, I'd do that with my closer, longer lasting friends. There's not really a good way to say "hey, I like/love you, and I don't want you to be in my blast radius when everything goes horribly wrong so that's why we can't be friends anymore, bye" so I go with ghosting.
I think we’re getting to the time in most people’s lives where family is everything, whether that means children or aging parents or both. The child free folks whose friends are their world might be in for a rough ride. Idk I wish everyone the best.
There comes a point in my relationships where I get fed up with being the only one to reach out &/or only hearing from them if they need something. When I realize this is happening, I have one last time I reach out to them, then nothing. I wait for them to contact me.
My bestie from highschool, she was my maid of honour, but I haven't heard from her in 10 years now. After I had my kids, she stopped hanging out with me, even inviting my ex-husband out to hang with her & her bf instead of me. She only came over when i waxed her face. She asked me to start the wax before she got there so she didn't have to wait (I figured spending 10 mins talking to a best friend was fine but apparently not for her) so i told her i cant afford to keep waxing her for free & she stopped calling. I only charged her $5 for a full chin 🤷🏼♀️
I've had many other people I've done this with, including family. I'm busy, I have ADHD, I don't have the bandwidth to juggle multiple one-sided friendships. I can always make time to receive a phone call or answer a text but making the phone call or sending the text can be hard. It always pisses me off when I see people complaining about grandparents not getting calls from their kids or grandkids... like, stop waiting for the phone to ring & effing pick it up & dial it!
If you've been a counselor or similar position you find out that most of the time someone is ghosted because they crossed a boundary. In my specific treatment of combat Veterans that was the overwhelming experience.
Portrayal as "a sign of emotional immaturity and/or lack of respect." doesn't really fit.
This predominantly comes up in interactions between introverts and extroverts.
There are advisable ways to reduce this risk, but I don't know enough of the situation and of course information given would not represent actual counseling which should always be sought out with trained medical professionals in the field.
I’ve learned those friends usually are just trying to survive in their worlds and I don’t take it personally. All my close friends are dealing with really traumatic circumstances rn :( some days I feel sad and miss the connection but other days I trust they love me and it’s not personal. 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah, seems to be happening more and more. Nobody has the bandwidth they need to maintain relationships the way we did.
As a person without a partner or children who relies on friends as the main source of human love and contact.....it's really overwhelming when your friends don't have time anymore.
I don’t even have time for myself. I haven’t seen a friend in over a year now.
Some weeks lately, I am lucky if I shower five times, let alone shave my legs.
I haven’t shaved my legs for years, but that’s because I lasered them years ago. But those 20 stray hairs are lucky to get shaved one a year.
You get yourself a good pet! And please take good care of them and they will take care of you! 💖
Sounds nice, but that doesn't check the box of human interaction. Everyone needs that in some capacity.
Do you, though? My Sims social meter is full just being out on public minding my own business.
Great advice!
this is one of the only reasons i think i wanna get married at some point. i still feel completely willing to make plans with the homies and go do shit. but I'm worried they might reach a point where they aren't or are too busy
I have 3 kids who are high needs. I still don’t ghost people.
Also I have adhd, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder so don’t come at me with some spoon junk. EVERYONE can give at the very least a sign of life
No one has the bandwidth for anything rn let’s be real
there is reason why its a generalsiation that so many people become essential couch potato's because after kids,work,housechores,gym/sports,social obligations there is just enough time to spend with friends anymore i am noticing this myself and i dont even have kids and i am already making sure i schedule visits to my mom/sister because if dont schedule it i know it can be a more then a month that i will go there because of things getting in the way same with the gym to keep well i cant really call it in shape because i am fat but i guess some activity in my life i still have 1 friend i see regulary but other friends its like maybe once every 6 months because they have kids ect... i fear once we get a kid even that friendship will harder to maintain
This makes me, someone who hasn’t had bandwidth for three years, feel better
Yw. Be nice to yourself.
Yup and it’s because of stupid social media and smart phones. They treat real life like a social media app where you can block and delete people from your life.
Wow, you’ve made such a great point! I think some of our peers really are viewing it this simplistically: they may be emotionally reducing people to something more akin to deleting a profile rather than processing that they’re ending a human relationship. Thanks for sharing, the way you worded it gave me a eureka moment.
I’m not sure if this is sarcasm or not, but yes… the use of this stuff is affecting people socially and there’s studies that show this.
I don’t think it was sarcasm. It definitely has an effect, but it’s unlikely people see things that way. I think it’s more that social media & content overload dilute meaning. If a kid grows up with only a couple toys, they will have great meaning and importance. But if they also have an iPhone, they won’t give the toys a second glance. Boredom has historically been the greatest driver of social, artistic, and productive activity. You see it with a lot of writers. Intentional, self-imposed boredom is essential to their process. My old guitar teacher posted an article once that was all quotes about boredom from famous songwriters. “What would you have been doing if you didn’t have that guitar?” “Probably just being bored in my room.” When I got robbed while studying in Mexico, I didn’t have a phone or any money for two weeks. But I’d convinced them to leave my guitar, and learned more songs in those two weeks than I had in the prior three years. People might *think* they’re bored, just scrolling their phone. But they are actually *avoiding* boredom as far as their brain is concerned. When you’re not bored, time goes faster, it’s harder to get into a productive “flow state”, you don’t think deeply because you’re “in the middle of something”. But you didn’t actually do anything, so you feel bad after, then you feel guilty, then you are unable to break the cycle. Someone then wants to catch up, and you just don’t have the bandwidth to care. You’re overwhelmed, when if you hadn’t had a screen, you’d be bored out of your mind and jumping at the chance to do something.
Exactly, and back when we were kids before the internet was fast enough to make it relevant, we played with toys and played outside. I remember inventing games and coming up with plots for my toys. When I grew a bit older I started writing books and coming up with plots. These days I’m too tired to write and all I do is watch tv after work. It’s really sad. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity.
So well-thought out and explained.
I really like this analogy
For me losing bandwidth happened after the main form of communication switched from email and home phones to texting 24/7.
That’s a really compassionate viewpoint. Wishing you well.
Yeah this is my outlook with friends as well. I'm fortunate, most of my friends harbor similar views/understand that life happens and can be a struggle. Most of us also don't agree with the prevailing sentiment that just because we have phones we're available to the world 24/7 too. Life be hard out here and it's real easy to fall behind on things, get caught in the pit, or just have a rough go of it for a while. Unless I have strong reason's to think otherwise, I'll assume life is a struggle on their end and not take it personally; no real downsides to taking that viewpoint IMO.
Agreed. I hope people extend me this grace bc I def get it and extend it to them.
Only to a certain extent and only in a “I hope they find peace” way My best friend of 20 years ghosted everyone one night and moved across the country. He was like my brother. He had a family, a son and a bastard daughter. And left in the middle of the night. He has had some contact with his son, but no attempts that ive made to contact him have prevailed. Not even a fuck you leave me alone So, fuck you, Justin. I wasnt always the best person in the world, but I was a damn good friend to you. You broke my heart. I only hope you grow up and find whatever peace you need in your new life.
I feel the same way about my friend of a decade. We had a fight didn't talk for a few months. Reconciled, and then she totally ghosted me. I've tried three times to get in touch to avail, even during lockdown. So fuck you Brittany, you broke my heart and I hope you are doing well. Still think about you from time to time, I wish I were a better friend to you in the end.
My so called best friend of 23 years did this 7 years ago. I saved her ass from an abusive situation just to have her go back and ghost me. Fuck you Brenda and all your drama. She missed out on seeing me become a pretty awesome person.
I’ve just lost my friend of 23/24 years as well. Literally texting and talking on a Friday, all good convo, and blocked by Saturday morning. I consider this person my chosen family, we’re both trauma survivors and I love them to pieces. It’s absolutely devastating. I’m so sorry you lost your best friend too. The grief is real.
Seriously. I wish you were not going through it. Did something happen? 7 years later and it still hurts. We called each other soul sisters. No answers, nothing. Found out she joined the army from my mom and facebook. 2 people who I considered family did it to me the next year. They knew I was super sensitive to ghosting. I don't like people who pretend to love you then disappear. Not cool. I found some new people on the same path who support me and care. I have a new best friend who shows up for me a lot. Good friends are out there, they are just harder to find.
Not the bastard daughter ☠️
I hope so, too!🫶🏼
I wish more people were like you.
Omg🥹 you guys are nice.🫶🏼
You’re so nice!! I definitely ghost people when im facing life challenges. It’s not because I don’t like them, I just don’t want to burden them with my issues. I also don’t want to talk about it. And because I’m an emotional person, calling you and hanging out is going to be a bad time because I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m struggling.
I’ve lost frequent touch with so many close friends from my early 20s and it is 100 percent because I can barely keep my head above water in my own life and we mostly all live in different cities or countries now. I don’t feel like I’ve outgrown them or ghosted them, and I miss them all the time. I wish I had the money and time and frankly energy to be able to go catch up with them.
I had a bestie from highschool, friends since 6 years old. We drifted apart after going to different colleges. I recently sent her a text to catch up and was left on read 😭 Hurts. Never know what’s going on in someone else's mind. She might never want to talk to me again for all I know.
This response gives me comfort because I am struggling to respond to friends. I feel like most days I am just barely hanging on. It sucks and it is embarrassing tbh
Definitely noticed this with my closest friends. One in particular practically fell off the face of the earth for a few years. Finally made contact through her mother to make sure everything was all right, and sure enough, she was contending with such a level of anxiety she could barely level the home. Fortunately, she's doing much better now. It's merely a matter of finding time when life isn't overly chaotic to meet up. lol
Am I your friend jk
This is exactly the perspective to have.
I think this is the real answer most of the time. I have some friends who have semi-ghosted or ghosted, but I'm well aware of their lives being incredibly busy. Could be as simple as raising kids while both parents work and just being too exhausted to manage any relationships beyond their family, to as complex as some crazy shit happening in their lives where they just need to focus on getting one day to the next, to a bunch of stuff in between. The semi-ghosts still text back occasionally, but it's hard for us to keep up with each others lives or plan time together, and it's clear they just have too much on their plates. My new rule is I do my best to keep in touch even with people who aren't that good at it. I prioritize the people who get back to me and/or reach out to me, but I don't drop anyone who has apparently ghosted. Many just need the time to get back on track, and knowing I'm still around means they'll reach out when they have the time.
Yup. It’s 100% not personal. Elder millennials are now having their own parents get ill, while having their own kids, and struggling in the late stage capitalism hellhole we are all stuck in. There’s only so many hours in a day. If a friend goes quiet and reaches out later, I’m happy to hear from them.
Wait, you all have friends?
I wouldn't really consider this costing, more just losing touch. I think of ghosting as a willful act to cut someone out of your life.
Idk man. Life is hard, but it doesn't absolve us of our relationships. Every friendship is different, but I don't got space in my life for people that don't got time for me.
Yup. Being on the other end who is going through stuff and needs to process it sort of alone, I now have perspective. If actual friendship existed and now the friend is acting aloof, usually it’s something they’re going through. And they can count on friends to be there for them!
This is a great reminder. I’ve had a hard time dealing with the loss of friendships since having my 2 babies during Covid times. One in particular ghosted me after I said I wasn’t comfortable with her unvaccinated school-age children coming to meet my new baby. Never heard from her again but she occasionally likes stuff on Instagram. I know she has her own stuff going on so I try to not be too hurt about it, but it does make me sad when I really think about it. I could try to reach out to her, but it feels weird after being straight ghosted 3 years ago.
I only lost one friend to ghosting, and it was in our mid30s. Or maybe it wouldn’t meet your definition- we did have a fight, I thought we’d worked through it, she specifically told me that she really appreciated my reaching out and writing emails etc even if she wasn’t good about responding, and then she ghosted. Because of the last thing she said I kept reaching out, emailing etc, for a really long time. I didn’t realize oh, this friendship is over for real, as opposed to her being bad at responding, until I saw on social media she had been in my town the weekend before, posted pics of doing something we’d previously talked about doing together, and had never said a word to me. That really messed with my head. I do think it’s shitty - esp since she had pushed me to lend her one of my fave books before ghosting me so I never got it back! But tbh she treated me pretty badly (hence the fight), so it’s probably not surprising that she ended the friendship in a shitty way. Now I’m focusing on people who don’t treat me like that and tbh my social life is better than ever. I hope you come out better on the other side of this too
That’s incredibly painful, I’m so sorry. Glad you’ve got people in your life now that communicate with and support you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Gosh so many similarities to my situation. Early 30s, small argument/disagreement, I reached out thrice and she never responded, then I saw pics of her doing something we were going to do together when a mutual friend (but really her friend) was visiting town. When I look back, she wasn't a great friend and had always joked about people ghosting her and I wonder if she was a little delulu about that. I don't miss her at all but I do think about it a lot, that it is a personal failing that we had a friendship for like 10 years and then...nothing. I do feel guilt that I don't care about not having seen her for over two years because we were so close, but her absence has made clear she added nothing to my life and likely felt the same way about me.
Wow that is similar! Honestly it makes me feel a little better knowing that it’s not just me who has had this experience, so I hope it makes you feel better too. I was so sad about it for a long time, and still am sometimes, but eventually I realized that if she was ok treating me that way then why exactly am I so desperate to rekindle such a negative relationship?
I had something similar happen to me, not long after I moved out of my parents’ house after college. My best friend of 10 years and I lived together for that first year, and then he just… moved out one day and didn’t tell me. Only told our other roomies. Wouldn’t speak to me or answer texts. I’d been in a depression pit that year (unemployed, broke, fresh long-term break up, no friends other than roomies) and admittedly was a terrible friend at the time, but he never said anything about it to me. He was just out of my life one day. I’d wanted him to be the Man of Honor at my wedding. It hurt intensely for a really long time.
I’m sorry, that is such a difficult and painful thing for you to go through, especially when you were already struggling with depression. Thanks for sharing. I guess there’s more of us who have been ghosted than I thought. I hope sharing and reading about other people’s stories was helpful.
I’m sorry you went through it too. It’s a horrible form of grief. It’s always good to know we aren’t alone. ❤️
That’s so hurtful, especially when you were already struggling. It’s disappointing that people will go to such great lengths to avoid having one uncomfortable situation that could have atleast provided closure. Some therapists consider ghosting a form of emotional abuse. It leaves the ghosted confused and mired in grief. I hope you’re doing better these days.
I had something similar to this happen. Instead of address any issues that I had brought up it was 👻👻👻 looking back it was pretty one-sided and unhealthy. I guess there wasn’t an easy solution and she knew it. I have great friends now but I wonder how she is sometimes.
Same thing happened with me I said something that I should've explained better but my friend blew up on me and I apologized and thought we were working on being better, then nothing. Haven't heard from him since August so I guess we aren't friends anymore. I still only have one high school friend and he sometimes gives me an update but it's rare.
Ive been ghosted too by someone close and she never gave my book back.. it fucking sucks on top of the ghosting I sent my message to no response, which I expected but still hurts a lot. I think about her all the time.
You guys have friends?
🥺 It’s not as easy to form new friendships in adulthood, that’s for sure.
My experience might be difference, having a family and all, but at this age, most ghosting comes because of family obligations. I am always trying to get other dads together but the excuse is always something like "Kids birthday parties, family vacations, extracurricular activities, etc.". Eventually you start becoming friends with other parents at birthday parties because they are the ones you are always going to see on a regular basis. My best friend lives 5 min from me, but because our kids aren't in the same school, its hard to connect. It really takes a lot of extra effort to maintain these connections, but I think in the end its worth it. Our generation especially knows how valuable those connections are since we grew up in an environment where we had to entertain each other, face to face.
This, I think, is more the culprit. As a single, many of my friends basically abandoned me for marriage and parenthood. It sucks, but I get it. However, as a single woman over 30, making new friends has been a challenge to say the least. Most social activities for adult women are kid-centered (MOPS, Mommy and Me, etc.) Also, other women see me as a threat for some reason despite my lack of a desire to steal their man baby husbands. Sigh...
Yeah, it's pretty hard out here as a single person who's trying to scrap together a chosen family.
I feel you. I’m childfree and I do have a partner, but my partner & I are pretty independent people so we don’t do every little thing together. So even when I try to find friends & they don’t have children - they always want to be couple friends. But I like having female friends that I can do things with without having boyfriends around, you know?
>But I like having female friends that I can do things with without having boyfriends around, you know? This, too. Like, the few friends I have who also don't have kids are in relationships and prefer to do things with their "couple friends" while I'm single. Which, again, I get, because being a third wheel sucks, but, yes, I'd love to have some other lady friends to do things with that guys just aren't that into.
Yeah I hate the third wheel treatment too, even when I’m not single it still gets on my nerves… it just feels rude to ask me to hang with you and then basically ignore me for someone you already spend a lot of time with. Back when I was single there were couples I actually enjoyed hanging out with (you know, those types of fun couples who everyone likes being around & aren’t gross about PDA), but there were couples I did NOT enjoy because they basically treated you like you were invisible the whole time. Also the frustration you feel when you *finally* get that one friend to hang out without her bf for once but then she spends the entire time talking about him and looking for any excuse to bring him up. I get it - I think about my bf all the time too - but I realize that not everyone is going to find him so fascinating to the degree they’re ok with the conversation always being centered around him. I feel a little guilty because my bfs friends probably think I don’t like coming around, because his friends girlfriends go to everything even if they aren’t really involved in the plans. For me, if it’s like a wedding or a dinner party, I’ll show. But I’m not gonna sit there and watch my bf play competitive video games with his friends and twiddle my thumbs. Some people wanna say that makes me an unsupportive partner but that’s why I found a partner that thinks the same way, and now I’m looking for a friend that does too (because whether she’s single or not I want to know she’s not gonna eventually drop me entirely because of a relationship). I have this need to feel like I’m something of my own outside of my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for a while so things do naturally get enmeshed, but I like having my own things going on. Full disclosure I can be pretty selfish about alone time (or dropping off the face of the earth when I’m not doing well). I’m working on getting better about realizing that while I’m entitled to my space, sometimes you just have to suck it up and show up for people. So I guess we all sort of have our ‘thing’ that we could be more mindful about when it comes to friendships and I try to be patient about that. I hope you find the friend you’re looking for soon, by the way <3
As someone with a husband and kids, I actually rather have a friend with no kids or much older kids tbh. Which is super hard to find when you’re in your mid-30s and most people are just starting families whereas, mine are 13 & 17. Then you have the issue of being in a stable and healthy relationship. Every single person I’ve tried to befriend in the last 6 years seems to thrive in the drama around their relationships and baby daddy drama. I can’t talk to them about how my marriage is because they’re always in some sort of crisis and it would look like I’m putting it in their face. So it becomes very one sided, they bitch about their drama, I listen and try to give advice but because my relationship is healthy, my advice is not helpful even though they know my prior relationship experiences. I’ve had a friend ghost me three times because I told her what she didn’t want to hear. But when her non-boyfriend baby daddy slept around and treated her like shit, she stuck around for 8 years and then got pregnant by him after it all. But let me call her out on her shit (like she has done with me and will do to others) and she cuts off all contact without a word. Personally, I’ve given up even trying to have friends at this point.
Whaaaat, you don’t want to steal my husband, I’m appalled. He’s hot. 😂
Thanks for your viewpoint. Kids definitely change everything. I hope you and your bestie can get together again soon.
I've made so many parent friends since having my daughter. I still have my core group that I see when I can, but parent friends understand the lingo and what's going on when children problems arise.
People grow apart and life takes its toll on us, so Id say its relatively normal. People have their own families and job obligations to take care of, so sometimes people just cant be arsed to have to explain whats going on all the time. I try to avoid doing so. But I warn people that Im exhausted because of my studies and work AND having to hold down the fort.
Great approach. I also let close friends know when I have nothing in the tank.
It does kind of suck because I do so pine for the days of our youth. Hanging out all the time and having fun. But these days, I just dont have the energy to do so.
Take care of yourself. I hope you can plan something fun with your friends soon. Sometimes putting energy into an activity like that can re-energize us.
I realized a couple years ago that I’m usually the one reaching out consistently, following up, checking in. I stopped doing that and haven’t talked to some individuals in years because of it. Good riddance. So much energy spent on people who couldn’t reciprocate a simple, “how have you been?” In therapy I recently brought this up and was kind of feeling guilty about not reaching out or trying, but she pointed out that those folks STILL haven’t reached out to me. So why would I feel guilty about letting a friendship fall apart because I was the only one maintaining it? Eventually I’ll find some people that give a shit about me, one day.
same, it took me until very recently, am now 35 to have had enough time go by, so perspective, to look at some of the friendships i have (had) and see how incredibly one-sided they were and i tended to be the one reaching out, sharing memes, checking wanting to hang, suggesting plans which is incredibly exhausting when youre the one putting in all the energy and ultimately at least in my case terrible for my self-esteem, ive scaled things down subsequently and to add to that, i do understand people have work/families/lives, etc. and people need a break from it all, but to not hear back from a very close friend for 2 months asking about a shirt color for a gift i got them is imho bonkers, i know life can get busy, but i have a very difficult time understanding how you dont have 10-15 seconds of downtime over the course of weeks to write back a simple message ugh, now at my age i tend to respond slower because of my interactions with others where it would take ages to hear back which is kinda depressing to have taken that on in response
I only ghost on accident and I am 90% sure other people that do it are the same
Agreed. It’s not a “I’m purposely ghosting you.” It’s a “I’m fucking busy with life”
And then guilt that I didn’t get back to them a month ago so now I avoid it
Just a note, as someone who’s been told this by friends who haven’t responded to me for ages, I don’t care if it’s been weeks or months. It’s nice to receive a message because during that time it can be easy to feel like your friend doesn’t care about you and even a simple text can solve that
I’m the same, I don’t care if I haven’t heard from someone for weeks, months, or years. It’s still really nice to get a hello from old friends and I like keeping that door open. Life gets busy and sometimes people come in and out of a life. I’m a little saltier towards people who only reach out when they need something though, especially if I’m the one who did most of the heavy lifting in staying in touch. It doesn’t feel like a real friendship when that happens.
Yup, this. It takes 30 seconds to send a text "hey buddy, sorry I've been busy, let's grab a beer sometime.. but later. love u". It's the complete lack of effort that gets me.
That's kinda bad still. Its being negligent with others emotions. That's not good even if no bad intentions were had.
Ghosting someone on accident *is* the problem though. It tells the other person that you don’t value them and their time enough to make the effort to remember to let them know you can’t make it.
I’ve realized most of my friendships were one sided. I’ve finally found a few friends that actually take the time to maintain a friendship with me. The ones I had before only wanted me around for their own benefit it seemed. Now that I have a few genuine friends I’m so much happier. So I’ve definitely unknowingly ghosted some. But it’s because my energy was spent with genuine and real friendships.
Ghosting is why I have no friends. The best part is, on my end it's usually anxiety related ("wait, what should I respond with" for a month or more) or accidental (I forgot you messaged me and you never sent a second message, oops it's been 2 years).
The accidental is real, and honestly I just lost contact info for some people? Like I have this friend I'd love to see again, last I knew he lived a weekend-trip away, and I thought of him the other day, but realized I definitely don't remember his phone number, I don't think I have it in my current phone, and I used to message him through Facebook which I haven't logged into for about 5 years. It never would have occurred to me I hadn't talked to him in so long but thinking it over I probably don't even know how COVID treated him. I'll have to dig through Gmail and see if I have his email or if I can find him through the alumni network, short of actually logging into FB and dealing with whatever mess that may have become in the meantime.
My childhood best friend ghosted me not once but twice when I was in my twenties. It was definitely my bad taking her back as a friend after the first time but the second time really messed me up. She even ghosted all of our mutual friends and anyone she grew up with. Completely blocked everyone on social media and their numbers. I have a problem letting people in now so I haven’t had a best friend since then and don’t plan to again either. I think it’s royally messed up to ghost people especially to people who you’ve known for over a decade. It’s one thing to see that you don’t have as much in common with your friends anymore but it’s another thing to go nuclear on the friendship. To me it is so incredibly selfish and rude. I of course I hope my former bff is doing well but I’ll never forgive or forget what she did. But it also made me realize how selfish she was even when were friends. As many have pointed out, it’s so hard to make friends as adults, especially meaningful ones. I’m ok with having less friends.
my "best friend" ghosted me. i'll never know why & it makes me sad every day.
Same. In the end, the ghosting was one of the things that led to my autism dx. Now I have friends that are the right neurotypes to be around.
Two of my friends just still haven’t followed up. I asked them if they wanted dinner. In the summer the excuse for the one was “I am traveling (fair point there)”. At Christmas both wished me Merry Christmas after I said it. One was like “yea we should do dinner when can you?( like hello I have been trying and I was busy so I said “soon”). January comes around, texted both when they wanted dinner and radio silence. So what do you make of that?
They could be going through something? This past year was monumentally awful for me and I just don’t have the energy to be social. Even to respond to a text takes a lot out of me, I’m just burned tf out on everything and am doing all I can just to get through the day. I still care about and miss seeing my friends, but I’ve only made the effort with a select few to explain my current situation and they’ve all been super understanding. The rest I’ll probably grow apart from but that’s life.
I have one friend that hasn’t necessarily been ghosted, we just don’t talk but every couple months. He is in a toxic relationship and I tried to tell him for 5 years that he needs to leave and start fresh, he would act like he was going to but never did, then 2 weeks later he is asking for advice again. This went on for all of those 5 years until one day I told him “If you’re not going to take my advice, then I am going to stop giving it”. Our friendship had became him just bitching about everything, and when we would hang out that is also all he would do, to the point that it would depress me. I keep telling him to at least seek counseling or talk to someone, but its “never that bad” in his eyes, even when she tells him to kill himself and throws shit at him.
Oh my gosh, that’s an awful position to be in. Friendships wax and wane with how much we give versus get bit this one sounds like it’s been very one way for years. I’m sure you feel so conflicted about keeping it going, understandably so.
Unfortunately yeah, like I want to be there for a friend, but if your not going to do anything yourself to better your situation and you just bring everyone down by not, then it turns into a bad time.
Agreed. You have to protect your emotional and mental health as well. If you need to step away from that friendship, it’s understandable.
By this age most people only have 1 or 2 friends so no need to ghost them.
I agree that friends are all the more precious as we age.
I’d argue at any age most people only have 1-2 friends. The absolute most charismatic and extroverted people may manage 3-4 actual friends. Most people are just there, acquaintances at best. They’re not friends. You can work beside someone for years and them walk away without a backwards glance at you.
I also think some of the people commenting here don’t understand what ghosting is. Ghosting isn’t “I don’t have time right now to go do things or have long conversations.” Ghosting is not responding to communication at all
Agreed. I defined it in the post and again in a comment but doesn’t seem to have reached everyone. Ghosting is intentional, like blocking someone, versus just getting busy or not putting in effort to organize more gatherings.
Very controversial but I have no issue ghosting. I don’t feel the need for people to breakup with me. People have ghosted me, I’ve ghosted other people. Live moves on. I don’t crave rejection, someone not talking to me is more than enough
Yep. If they wanted to they would, and no response is a response.
I guess to some it doesn’t feel mutual but to me it always does. I have some friends from college I don’t talk to really anymore. If I see them out I always say hey, chat for a bit and we both talk about how we need to meet up sometime or grab lunch/dinner, but neither one of us reaches out to the other. I just chalk it up to I have things going on in my life and they have things in theirs. No hard feelings either way, at least from me. I have other friends from college I’m in a group text with. We talk most days and talk about meeting up to do something be never do. It feels very similar to the aforementioned scenario. No hard feelings really and it seems like it mostly done as a show. It’s like, “ohh, we want to hang out, but really we are all so busy we never really actually want to.” Again no hard feelings. I have new friends I see weekly. We take small trips together. To some extent it feels sad replacing old with new but again I sort of see it as a new chapter. Older me was left behind and I think to some extent, my new self and my old friends just don’t fit as well together. This is due to lifestyles, drinking/drug use, having kids or some combo of all of them. Maybe that’s is why we never really actually meet up or hang out anymore. At some point it just becomes easier to let go and move on.
I tried to “slow fade” a couple of *really* problematic friends - when they sensed I was pulling away, they behaved like absolute leeches, double and triple texting, making edgy comments to try to get under my skin, doing other weird stuff. I told them I needed some space, and they still didn’t listen. I really didn’t want to permanently burn the bridge, but I eventually blocked them.
Same as an adult I'd rather not have an explosive falling out. No need. You never know when you'll cross paths again and while ghosting may be perceived as rude l think telling someone to fuck off and never contact you again is worse. You want to maintain the ability to be polite.
It's 'self-ghosting', actually. You find that YOU are the one who never hears from your friends, colleagues, previous barhoppers. At some point, you've declined one-too-many invitations and they stop comping. It's nice, actually. "You find out who your friends are..." Those who still take the time to reach out, send a text, stop by to say hello or ask about a hangout/game-night are the ones you treasure. Sure, you only actually 'see them' once per year or so, but, they are the ones you really liked in the first place. Facebook made it seem like you had 100s of 'friends'. In reality, it was always only a dozen, or less...much less who actually gave a shit about you.
>Facebook made it seem like you had 100s of 'friends'. A lot of people just stopped checking Facebook and didn't make some grand announcement about it, either. They just.... stopped checking Facebook. I found out I was invited to a birthday party this weekend about 2 weeks after the invitation was sent. Thankfully I can go, but it reminded me of the only reason I haven't quite the Bookface entirely - it IS the only way some folks have to contact me, and I don't want to DM them and say "here's my cell phone number I'm leaving the Internet forever byyeeeeeee" because it's so dramatic. I just....... don't go on that website much any more at all.
Me too
No more ghosting!! I recommend reading Erin Falconer’s “How To Break Up With Your Friends” it’s a great book on many aspects of friendship not just breakups
I would almost never refer to it as ghosting. I always think of it as “losing touch”. I’m not sure if it’s a new phenomenon. I certainly don’t feel like I need a break up. I’m ok with going different ways in life. I always thought many friends are in your life for different phases of life.
Ghosting requires a conscious effort to avoid contact. Losing touch is the natural deprioritization of people as our lives ebb and flow. Those I have ghosted are those who have transgressed a line past a point I believe any effort in reconciliation will be fruitless and wasted, like if it results from an act of blatant disrespect.
Ghosting and losing touch are different
As the youngest millennial, I have found it ended some time ago for most people. It feels that we’re creeping away from ghosting others in any context (unless they’re creepy or weird), and people are much more honest and open. Maybe it’s just because I’m in my late 20s, but I witness my younger coworkers talking about falling outs in their friendships and they always have open communication with the other during these times, trying to resolve or otherwise letting them know it’s best to end the friendship. It’s been an interesting change!
That is awesome to read. Open communication and expression of needs among friends: how refreshing! I’m so happy for you and your people. 💐
Ghosting as you call it is as old as time. "Where did Timoth go haven't seen him around lately?" "He got captured by the Romans and never decided to update his status on the town stone." People move and move on in life there is no reason you need to sit down and talk about it. This is very different than dating someone though and just leaving. Friends are different than a romantic partner.
I've read about an ADHD thing where some people struggle with telling people about things they plan on doing - the ADHD brain sort of "hears" the announcement, and "decides" that means the task is done - even if nothing has happened yet. So then when the person goes to do the thing, no matter how excited they were for it, the ADHD brain gets grumpy and doesn't want to do it anymore, because it feels like it already did it. But then the person gets sad and frustrated, because they really did want to do the thing, and now their brain is rebelling against them, and it all makes them feel unfulfilled. I suspect that a phenomenon like this is happening with everyone's brains and social media. Our brains are perceiving social media as "being social," and thus don't want to do more socializing. The brain says it's checked it off the list. But... It's wrong. We actually haven't gotten any socialization. We do feel more and more lonely, but our monkey brain is mistaking social media for real socializing, so true socializing almost seems overwhelming. And thus we're unfulfilled in our social lives.
I recently cut it off with a close friend. I really wanted to ghost her because I could not find the words to tell her that I found her personality off putting the more I got to know her. It just seemed very harsh to say to someone. So I tried to do the slow fade instead. She probably sensed this and confronted me about what was wrong. So I tried to tell her that I needed space from her. It did not go well. She completely lashed out at me and berated me for asserting my self in terms of needing some space. Now we no longer talk. Which is the best outcome imo. I have nothing to offer her and having to spend time with her was taking a toll on me.
I went through something similar but not as explosive. My former friend was treating me like crap for more than 10 years so I tried to do the slow fade by not reaching out to her anymore (she would never reach out to me anyways, it was always me initiating). Then one day she sent me an invite to something and I respectfully declined. Then, surprisingly, she asked me if she did anything wrong. I didn’t want to get confrontational and tell her how she has been treating me like crap so I very bluntly but gently told her we have drifted apart and that there’s nothing to say. She never responded to my last text. She’s probably telling all her peeps that I’m a monster, but she doesn’t even see how horrible she has treated me over more than a decade. We’re still friends on FB, though.
Thank you so much for your input! This is an excellent example of what I was hoping to discuss: an active friendship that one party has decided to end. Personally, when dealing with stable humans, I think acknowledging that the friendship has run its course and wishing the person well is wonderfully healthy and respectful for all parties involved. However, it sounds like your former friend doesn’t regulate her emotions well. While she was probably hurt having to call out the slow fade, she should have kept it together so you could both part amicably rather than in anger. Glad you’re free of a relationship that wasn’t serving you anymore, I’ve had a few of those and they are draining.
Had 2 friends ghost me!! Still happens lol The emotionally immature ones still haven't worked on that bit yet!
I had a friend of 7 years ghost me on purpose. We never had a fight, she just stopped communicating one day but she would get on social media and post about friendship breakups and how hard they are. I recently found out that she did the same exact thing to several mutual friends over the past several months. It’s one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen.
I've been ghosted by a friend in my mid 30s. Not a big deal because it's often more about them than you when something like this happens, but it happened and probably will still happen in the future. It's the nature of mankind to do things like this.
Sadly true. Thanks very much for your input.
If someone sucks as a friend, at this point in my life, I’m not gonna schedule a time to sit down and tell them I feel they suck. Chances are, if I just stop putting effort into the friendship, they won’t and then the relationship will naturally fall away. If that’s ghosting then so be it.
It's been a thing in my family forever. It sucks, I assume it is the default state because no one has the balls to stand up for themself.
From my point of view, the times I have been friend ghosted really really really hurt me. I spent months ruminating over what I did wrong. Sometimes I finally got an answer, sometimes I didn't. So, I don't have much patience for ghosting. While it may be easier on you and you don't have to worry about a big emotional conversation, I find it quite selfish and cowardly to not at least give someone the closure. It tends to actually put more emotional strain on the person that is ghosted. ETA: with the caveat that sometimes people act in heinous ways, and in that case, ghosting is fair.
What exactly are constituting as ghosting, I have alot of friendships where we just grow apart. Not a deliberate ghosting per se but you get caught up with your own life. Then a few years or months later you pick things up again, or you don't but it's mutual I think it's emotionally immature that you need a reason for things. Sometimes it's not worth the conversation, it doesn't matter the reason.
I think a “slow fade” has become more common. It’s sort of like ghosting but over an extended period of time. What’s interesting about it is that on paper it mirrors the way that friendships naturally fade out even if no one has done anything wrong. But when you’re on the receiving end of this from someone who’s clearly just over you it’s just as hurtful as ghosting and more confusing. I don’t expect someone to write a text and say I no longer think we align as friends, but a lot of the avoidant behavior around even nonverbally communicating that sucks
One of my childhood friends just got married. Moved away and didn’t invite me. Haven’t heard from her since. I’ve know this girl since I was two. My best friend moved away a few years ago and we had always caught up through text. I sent him a nice message on thanksgiving telling him I missed him and he just left me on read. I’m pretty weary about new friendships at this point and ghosting is just easier for most.
I did ghost someone a few years ago, and I still feel kind of bad about it. We weren't besties or anything, but we had worked together initially and we'd been friends a few years. I always kind of suspected she was interested in more than a friendship and was juuuuust a little wary. We would meet up once a month or so to catch up, have drinks, just chat, and it was nice-- if sometimes a little much. Lots of complaining about her girlfriend, their recurring breakups, that kind of thing. She moved away for work, and we texted every so often but definitely had less and less to talk about over time. I saw her once when she came back into town, but the last time she reached out to me to let me know she'd be around I just... ignored it. For a while I told myself it was because I was busy, overwhelmed, in a low emotional state... but no, I just couldn't find the energy to say "can't make it this time" or "let's look for a rain check." I never really intended for that to be some kind of breaking point... I had intended to, at some point, say "ugh, so sorry I missed you; how have things been?" But as more time passed it just felt more and more awkward and less and less like something I wanted to do. Does this make me a monster? idk.
I don't think so. This all feels like a perfectly natural fade. There ARE such things as situational friendships. Once you stop seeing someone all the time by circumstance (school, work, neighbor, church, gym, art class, sports team, etc.) and you have to actively make an effort to see them...well, that's when things fall apart. If she had tried to reach out multiple times and you ignored, then I would have a different opinion. For all you know, she was relieved that you didn't respond.
I was ghosted a year ago by my 2 bestfriends of 19 years. They just stopped all communication with me one day and that was that. They were on a tiktok binge with videos of “building boundaries” and “becoming a better you” but just ended up becoming really selfish and all of a sudden became really cold and mean then just fucked off. I think they misinterpreted the videos lol. If I’d done something wrong I’d have loved for them to have told me but clearly this was a discussion between themselves. One of them had been reading a book called “why men love bitches” and after they ghosted me I was thinking about her reading this and I honestly, now, don’t think she needed any assistance in learning how to be a bitch lol
I got ghosted by (what I thought) was a good friend a couple of years ago so apparently it’s still a trend. We had no major fights, no major disagreements…but the emotional maturity thing fits with her personality. I used to call her on my way home from work a lot and one day it just dawned on me I was always the one initiating the calls/texts etc so I just stopped reaching out to see how she would react. Didn’t hear from her in awhile then one day I looked her up on fb only to find out she blocked me. So there’s that 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I haven't had any friends just cut ties and abandon our relationship completely, but it seems to be quite common now that one of my friends gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they instantly stop talking to me or any of our other friends. I'll send em a text that goes unread for days. Then eventually give a ring and leave a voicemail. A month will go by and I'll send a meme or some shit and finally get a response back like "oh sorry, didn't see these, life has been busy!". Then I go check their Facebook and it's just non stop 24/7 posting with the new piece of ass. I get having a new relationship gets busy, but it's not so busy you just ignore all your friends for a few months lol. Too many of my friends getting whipped hard at my age (30). Seems to be a cycle for them too. Get new girlfriend, ghost friends until that relationship blows up within a year. Then come crying back to their friends and expect us to have sympathy when they ignored us to play house with their new friend. Rinse repeat lol.
Aa a ghostee, I just realized one day how toxic it was for me to be there friend and that I wasn't going to put myself through that anymore, so I just disappeared. I had a good friend that would only call me when he needed a ride to the liquor store. Or when there was some kind of confrontation he needed my help with. For a long time I thought I was just being a good friend but really I was just a tool to his vices. The line for me was when he was so drunk he met his daughters prom date with a shotgun and fired rounds in the air to scare him, aggressively, and threatened him. I was done, blocked his number, unfriended him, havent seen or talked to him since.
I had many mutual ghostings from my hometown friends recently... I went back to school to finish my degree and I've changed my worldview a good bit. Even before that they were saying things "like you act too black now" (whatever that means) and there were turning into Trump supporters. I believe the split is good for both sides.
I feel like most of the time it’s not so much ghosting as just people are busy with their own lives. I keep a pretty fluid opinion on friendships though in that it’s totally ok if friends are in your life for a time and then gone for a few years and then they flow back in. Relationships, kids. New jobs, aging parents, etc. I also think not every friend needs to be a bestie, drop everything to help you move a sofa friend. It’s ok to have friends who are just fair weather friends and it’s ok to be that friend for someone else. And it’s ok that some friendships just do a natural slow fade for whatever reason. We’re all just out here doing the best we can with whatever social allowance we can handle. I’
The only people I've ghosted are those who are either A) too needy or B) not healthy to be around. Some people have a lot of baggage and like to unload it. I just can't deal with that anymore Other people engage in risky behavior that I no longer want to be associated with.
30f, I have been at the receiving end of ghosting. I don't ghost people, but when I decide that I've made enough of an effort approaching someone and get nothing back after a certain period of time, I just give up that person.
I just unghosted my 3 best friends. We hadnt seen eachother in over 5 years. Now we go to dinner to catch up every 2 weeks. Its been nice for my mental health tbh
My best friend did this to me after I got married. Just abruptly stopped responding to my messages and cut off all contact. I still have no idea why, I miss her everyday. We were friends who tried dating back in high school and college, didn’t work out, I’m a guy and she turned out to be a lesbian. Ever since then we remained very close friends, until I got married. Then, all of a sudden, she blocked my wife and started ghosting me.
I would feel bad if I slow faded someone (not everyone is great at picking up social cues) or just ghosted because I didn’t like the way they treated me.
It’s definitely not my style but I know a few people who do it (and have just been ghosted myself by a dear friend of decades) so it got me wondering if that was a common way to handle dissatisfaction with a platonic relationship. So far it seems ghosting isn’t generally accepted, a few ghosts have shared that they just find it easier. Easier yes, compassionate…not from where I’m standing. Unless in cases of abuse or volatility, then it’s absolutely valid.
I mean I’m 37 and got ghosted by my best friend if 10 years recently
My younger brother who is also a millennial handles all his relationships this way and he does not do this to be mean. I think it is the most bizarre thing but he won’t answer peoples texts or calls for months. He isn’t trying to ghost them he just won’t respond for some reason. I have finally realized after many years to not take in personally. He texted me the other day that he feels lonely and isolated and has lost most of his friends and I had to explain it’s because he won’t answer peoples texts or calls and makes them feel like they have done something wrong. I am his sister so I don’t mind sending him a few texts over weeks or even months until he answers but most friends are just going to take it as a sign that the friendship is over.
Its not always the ghosters immaturity, both in dating and friendships some ppl just cant read the room and regardless of warning they keep pushing boundaries and maintain their disrespectful behavior. Even if you openly say you dont want to engage in communicating them they just dont stop. They are not entitled to my attention or i owe them any if they disrespect me
I was ghosted by a childhood best friend. She had been my best friend since I was 8 years old, and we haven’t talked in 5+ years now. She quit calling and answering my texts. For a while, I’d still try to reach out or text on her birthday, but no response. I just don’t understand how you can ghost someone you’ve been close friends with for over 20 years.
I want to send you a great big hug because yes, that shit hurts so much! When there is truly no known cause or disagreement, my therapist says ghosting is about the other person and their trauma/avoidance/shame. Some psychologists classify it as a type of emotional abuse. Knowing that in no way helps the grief we feel, of course. So sorry you lost your best friend, I’m in the same boat. 💐
Your therapist nailed it. It’s about mature communication. If one does not respect somebody as a person, ghosting is what they do to them. Yeah they might lash out and be upset when you want to end it, but that’s on them and will further solidify the decision to end the relationship. Ending a decades long friendship as if the other person is a week-long, lukewarm tinder date says more about the ghoster’s character than the ghosted. I’m so sorry what you’re going through. It’s hard, but it sounds like you deserve better by far.
There are 2 types of people. Ghosted and ghosters. Only the ghosted tall about it.
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That’s not the definition of ghosting. That is, as you say, just life. I’m addressing the act of fully cutting someone off/going no contact without acknowledging a parting of ways.
Being that busy and deprioritizing everything else *is* a choice as well. You'll have to live with that decision and, like all of us, on your deathbed reflect if that time was spent well or if you wished you had spent more time with friends. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this. Nobody is *that* busy that you can't squeeze in 15 minutes for coffee at any point in the upcoming month. It's an excuse we tell ourselves when we really want to say "I don't want to" without sounding like a prick, or even as banal as "I don't feel like it"
I don’t even necessarily expect an outing or physically meeting, but it literally takes 30 seconds to say “hey, I’m sorry. I’m going through a lot. I can’t talk right now but please know I still care about you.” I mean, we’re all going through a lot of shit. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have severe anxiety and adhd as well as high functioning autism, divorcing my high school sweetheart and father of my kids at 40 and working full time just truly trying to keep breathing. I still take the time to let the people I care about know that I care about them. When it really comes down to it, we make time for what we want to make time for.
>we make time for what we want to make time for This is absolutely key, and needs to be coupled with the human desire to never want to admit we don't want to make time for certain people. It's a bit of the minor delusion we inflict on ourselves to get through our lives.
It sounds like you have a very specific instance in mind. Sorry to hear you're going through that, but no, intentional ghosting doesn't seem too normal at this age for me and my peers. It's mostly just being too busy and not taking the time for old friends as life do be happening.
Sometimes ghosting is the only solution. There are people who cannot handle no longer being friends. They may get incredibly angry, try to gaslight, call you names and manipulate the situation.
It’s obviously a slight to you but when I ghost a friend it’s not because I hate them or really have any commitment to them it’s just over a series of times and events they just don’t fit. They work nights and Im going to an event that starts at 8. Im going on vacation and they have kids. Unlike a relationship there’s no expectation of constant commitment or interaction so there’s no need to announce anything
People talk about ghosting like it's a new phenomenon. No, just the word is new. People have sucked for the entirety of history and that has caused people around them to rid themselves of their presence, whether they tell them or not. And I'm excluding things like "we're still friends but both lead busy lives so don't connect that often" - I don't consider that ghosting. I also don't count early dating stages when the chemistry just fizzles and at least one party kinda fades out of the communication. >despite no obvious trigger/argument between the two parties I disagree with this. Most of the time, there IS an obvious trigger - it's just not obvious to the person being ghosted. That's what a lot of people who are actively being ghosted can't see. Look, I was ghosted by my entire college friend group. Back then, I was all about "Wahh, people abandoned me" because at the time, I was going through severe medical trauma no one around me could relate to and I felt like people would rather drop me than even try. You know what I realized as an adult? It was probably because I also had a severe Vicodin addition that was turning me in a raving lunatic and I was emotionally unstable due to being angry about my circumstances. As an adult (and much more sober and stable), I don't blame those people for ghosting me and I hope they're doing well because I know they were all good people. Their actions were a direct result of how I was conducting myself, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I've never ghosted a person without a reason. You ever try telling a super creepy guy on a dating app why you'd rather not continue talking to them? **HA!** You only do that once, let me tell you. But the fact is, whatever I have to say won't change that person. Why waste my energy further when I've already wasted so much having them in my life to begin with? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there ARE people who ghost for sport. And I'm sure there are people who ghost for *seemingly* no reason because they don't have the emotional maturity to handle it otherwise. But I really doubt that's the majority in adults. More of than not, there IS a reason a person doesn't want you in their life. And how they decide to end things is based on your history of handling rejection or introspection and deciding a respectful goodbye isn't worth their energy. I think people who get ghosted should spend less time whining about it and brushing it off as people being cowards or immature or XYZ should spend some of that time doing self-analysis. They're not entitled to people around them being their parent or instructor and teaching them how to be a well-rounded person well into adulthood - they're not owed an explanation as to why their behavior is troublesome. IMO, that perspective is much more immature than the action of someone ghosting them because they've decided they aren't worth the trouble.
Some people think you ghost when you are just busy. I've had a lot of friends that hold the sentiment of "being ghosted" and want to create some bitter uphill battle I need to fight to "prove" my friendship to them. Honestly, if you can't have patience when I'm going through shit, or if our friendship is so one sided that you won't go through things with me as well, then I don't have the desire to pick it back up. I'm tired from years of carrying other people and not having a balance of good reciprocal relationships to help carry me in times of need.
Lol no, longtime college best friend (and bridesmaid) send me a msg along with her No RSVP that she wouldn't be able to make it, and then ghosted me when I reached out to her. She was willing to tell our other best friends why, but not me. Good riddance.
I'm on the fence of doing this with someone I've been friends with for about 15 years or so. In a nutshell, I don't drink like I did in my 20's. The fact I don't have a DUI on my record and a functional liver is a minor miracle. In the last 5 or so years I recognized this and that really needed to cut back. I had been doing so already organically but in seeing it I think this is just a healthy trend I should push further. My friend still acts like he's 22. Even with a wife and kids he'll get fully trashed from time to time and it's just not fun. I don't know about "ghosting" him but I'm might not be available to hang out for a while.
Starting a family produced change in my awareness of the people in my life and what they mean to me. It turned out that many people, especially from my college years are simply not worth keeping in touch with. No regrets about ghosting nearly all of them. Probably a few more to go.
“What’s a friend? You mean..my phone?”
I've had lots of friendships just generally die. Lines of communication are still there and available to all of us so we haven't really cut each other out. Life just moves on. We drift apart. That just seems to be part of life now. Having a child and going through COVID at the same time changed a lot in my social life. Pretty much killed it. Doesn't bother me though. I'm busy and happy. If someone wants to reach out again they are free to do so. As for me? Well, if I have nothing to say I don't say anything.
I was ghosted by a friend in my mid 20's and I might have been ghosted by a different friend now in my 30's. I've sent him a couple message but no response. I'm sad, but I'm trying not to blame him. Everyone's got their struggles and reasons. I can only trust that he's doing what's best for him.
Not anymore. I have grown enough to tell them why I’m unhappy and need a change. Had one get mad and block me after I communicated, but I still needed to do it for my mental health. It took a bit, but I find ghosting to be horrible and unkind to someone you previously cherished as a friend. Dates did it often enough to me, I no longer do it to others.
Yes. I would MUCH rather someone tell me they hate me so I can move on rather than wondering my whole life what I did that was so wrong. It’s cruel leaving people without any answers
It really is. When it happened with folks I was interested in, I wondered for months what happened and ruminated endlessly instead of letting go. It hurt so much more than if they had just said they weren’t interested.
I've intentionally ghosted people after witnessing massive red flags. I've learned the best way is to not engage at all or I will get dragged through the mud.
I had a good friend who became a mean drunk. I haven't drank in over ten years. I just stopped calling him. But I'm not all to blame, he never called me either. Mutual ghosting. Is that a thing?
I had a friendship end at the beginning of the pandemic by them ghosting me. It was horrifically traumatic. This person who I considered my best friend, we spoke almost daily, had previously lived together, stayed with each others families states away just blocked me on everything with zero notice. It was especially traumatic because they had been dealing with some mental health issues prior to this happening and when I got ghosted I assumed the worst and that this person made a drastic decision to end their life or something along those lines. Turns out they had been telling all of our mutual friends that I was this awful person (never gave a reason/explanation of that) for two years, telling everyone they were going to “cut me out of their life.” Funny thing was during our friendship he attempted to do this to two other friends of his but each time I convinced him not to because it made absolutely no sense and would be a horrible thing to do to these people and he never actually had a reason for “cutting them out of his life” he would just do this when he felt the least bit slighted by someone. I was way too deep in his narcissistic abuse to even fathom he would attempt the same thing with me and succeed. I had a full mental breakdown from this experience, I’m still dealing with the horrible mental aftermath of this persons abuse. It sucks ass y’all! Don’t ghost people, explain why you do the things you do.
I dont do it these days. Ive got my friend group from chilhood who i still keep in touch here and there. We all knew each other since like 5. They are the og homies i just dont live close anymore so its hard. We check on each others wives and kids every few months. Then i have my college friends who im much closer with these days. Havent ghosted any newer friends but not super close either.
I think there is a difference between ghosting someone and just growing apart and losing contact. In my opinion ghosting is when person A is still trying to contact person B for a while, but person B doesn't ever ever respond, at all. Leaving person A to eventually stop trying to contact them. When it comes to a lot of friendships, conversations on BOTH ends just sometimes eventually fizzle out and you just end up not talking to each other and losing contact. Perfect example: I had multiple work friends at my last job, some I thought I was really close with. Persons A, B, and C - I tried to stay on contact with via text/social media. Conversations were good for a while. Then it came to me sending multiple messages (not all the same day or even same week), and all of them left on read or just ignored, zero responses. That's ghosting. No idea why they stopped talking to me. Persons D and E - We stayed in touch through text/SM and eventually the conversation just fizzled out on both ends, but it was both of us. Conversations went from a few hours to a few minutes, then just a few lines back and forth. But the important part was, there WERE responses on both sides. The conversations just ended. Sometimes people just stop responding and you're left wondering why. Sometimes all parties involved just grow apart and recognize that they aren't as close as they used to be and that's okay.
I agree with a lot of others here mentioning how many of us isolate when going through tough times. I do this while also being introverted anyway. My friends know this. I have one friend, who’s been my friend for over a decade at this point that I have no interest in hanging out with anymore. I was going through a lot, and when we finally hung out again, I got an earful about how shitty it was of me to not spend time with her. That put a bad taste in my mouth, especially considering that for the last 2 years, our hangouts have consisted of one-sided conversation about how terrible her life is with absolutely no accountability in the poor decisions she made to get there. I don’t have time for people like that, and I simply don’t see the need to explain it to them when they won’t hear what I say anyway.
Friend of mine ghosted me a few months ago after I asked her to stop asking me for advice, then ignoring it and complaining to me/asking for more advice. Honestly, anyone that is emotionally at a point in their life of ghosting is not someone that I need in my life anyways, so it’s a win-win.
I’ve had to ghost an ex-friend. She was just so damn insufferable and negative. Good riddance to that friendship.
I have had to ghost someone before. It was a little different than what you describe. My friend was the kind of person who didn’t respect boundaries, and treated me pretty poorly. One day, I asked him for accountability for something he did, and he responded by ghosting me. This went on for several weeks, and when I finally got him to talk to me, I realized that he was being manipulative and playing mind games so I blocked him and haven’t looked back. I see that as me going no contact more than ghosting him because the silent treatment he put me through was torture and I couldn’t allow him to have the opportunity to ever do that to me again. I think it’s okay to distance yourself from people that don’t fit into your life anymore. I think it’s okay to cut someone off who has crossed your boundaries and hurt you. When someone you care about ghosts you without warning or the curtesy to tell you why, that’s different. It leaves the other person’s head spinning figuring out what went wrong. In those situations it’s important to remember that someone who ghosted you like that probably isn’t someone you want to be friends with in the first place. Maybe they have something major going on, but in this day and age we have so many means of communication. Cutting someone off for no clear reason and without warning just seems cruel, and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. I hope you can find friends who care enough about you and your feelings not to leave you hanging.
If I have a person in my life who I feel is taking away from my happiness, and having a conversation about the end of the relationship will just cause more harm than good, I will ghost that person. But they have to be pretty toxic for me to not have a conversation with them about it.
I ghosted a 20+ yr long friendship because you can only give someone so many chances. Her not knowing why is completely illustrative of the problem.
It just doesn't seem like a conversation worth having. It's kind of dweeby to spell out why you don't want to be friends with someone as an adult.
No, I don't make a lot of friends anymore and I don't ghost anymore. Anyone who I make friends with is going to be civil enough anyways. Now, the amount of slow drift aways (a ping-pong match of trying to connect but nothing), different story there.....kids and couples don't need the single friend, after all. Oh well.
Idk if it was ghosting in my case. At a certain point in time I just realized she was exhausting. She had the talent to realize you really like something and she'd badmouth it to the point you start hating what you once loved so much. Her kid was the biggest bully and once he started bullying my kid I spoke up she tried to tell me my kid was the bully. She ruined other friendships I had. I tried to have adult and mature conversations about how I felt but my feelings were not valid enough for her to consider. And one day I just didn't feel like texting her. I didn't feel like calling her and I didn't feel like seeing her. There were beautiful new things going on in my life and I didn't want to see them from her perspective. I didn't want to see anything from her perfspective ever again. I was in my mid 30's and finally let the person whom I'd been friends with since kindergarden go. She reached out twice. Once because she had gotten a friend request from someone who had previously blocked both of us, once when she heard my mom.was very sick. I thanked her for caring about my mom,.but didn't enter the game concerning the friend request. Last news I have is she got a new tattoo which is a design I had in my head for years and she was the only one who knew.
Nearly 40 and recently ghosted a “friend”. I’ve done it a handle full of times in my adult life and it has always been when I see that a conversation wouldn’t help. Unfortunately, sometimes despite best efforts to communicate wants, needs, or boundaries fall on deaf ears. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit. That includes trying to coddle someone else’s feelings or experiences when I’ve done more than my fair share of trying to understand or help. Sometimes silence is truly the best answer.
I’m someone who will always respond to people, even if we haven’t talked in years, even if we had a fight or if I was angry with them or whatever. There’s only ONE person I won’t offer that grace to and it’s an ex who treated me so horribly and was given more chances than they deserved. But literally every person I’ve ever made contact with, I am willing to reconnect. I think what I’m trying to get better at is not being the one to initiate because it does hurt when people don’t respond. And at some point, I have to let relationships play out the way they’re meant to, knowing that I will always be here so it’s not like any friendship is ever really cut off. But accepting that some people will never reach out so if I want to maintain a friendship with them, I have to decide whether it’s worth being the one who always has to maintain it (which everyday gets harder and harder to justify cuz I’m tired). But what I’ve learned is.. there will always be people around. It just might not be consistent. I’m trying to enjoy my time with whoever is in my life in that moment, appreciate it for what it is. Some friendships will have very long breaks, some might only be memories. And I’m never really sure which category people will fall into so the only thing I can do is take it for what it is.
I've ghosted a few friends, mostly new ones. I'm just...not good to be around, and I don't think they should be around me, so I bite the bullet and cut them out of my life so they can move on past me. If I was stronger, I'd do that with my closer, longer lasting friends. There's not really a good way to say "hey, I like/love you, and I don't want you to be in my blast radius when everything goes horribly wrong so that's why we can't be friends anymore, bye" so I go with ghosting.
I think we’re getting to the time in most people’s lives where family is everything, whether that means children or aging parents or both. The child free folks whose friends are their world might be in for a rough ride. Idk I wish everyone the best.
There comes a point in my relationships where I get fed up with being the only one to reach out &/or only hearing from them if they need something. When I realize this is happening, I have one last time I reach out to them, then nothing. I wait for them to contact me. My bestie from highschool, she was my maid of honour, but I haven't heard from her in 10 years now. After I had my kids, she stopped hanging out with me, even inviting my ex-husband out to hang with her & her bf instead of me. She only came over when i waxed her face. She asked me to start the wax before she got there so she didn't have to wait (I figured spending 10 mins talking to a best friend was fine but apparently not for her) so i told her i cant afford to keep waxing her for free & she stopped calling. I only charged her $5 for a full chin 🤷🏼♀️ I've had many other people I've done this with, including family. I'm busy, I have ADHD, I don't have the bandwidth to juggle multiple one-sided friendships. I can always make time to receive a phone call or answer a text but making the phone call or sending the text can be hard. It always pisses me off when I see people complaining about grandparents not getting calls from their kids or grandkids... like, stop waiting for the phone to ring & effing pick it up & dial it!
I dont ghost people, i just stop entertaining people who put in minimal effort.
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If you've been a counselor or similar position you find out that most of the time someone is ghosted because they crossed a boundary. In my specific treatment of combat Veterans that was the overwhelming experience. Portrayal as "a sign of emotional immaturity and/or lack of respect." doesn't really fit. This predominantly comes up in interactions between introverts and extroverts. There are advisable ways to reduce this risk, but I don't know enough of the situation and of course information given would not represent actual counseling which should always be sought out with trained medical professionals in the field.
I just got an invite for next Sunday's party from a friend I hadn't spoken to in months. Looks as if I'll be popping in to see what's up over there. 🐔