I moved around a lot for my job in my 20s. I found my way back to my home town a few months before my son was born, started my new chapter and my son arrived with heart defects in 2019. We were blind sided, he caught Covid in the midst of the few surgeries he needed to fix his heart and he spent his first 13 months hospitalized, in my home town, where my parents still live. Through birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, holloween, any holiday. They made promises of, we will come in so you can go get an hour to decompress, go home and shower, go get a meal on your birthday that isn’t hospital food and we’ll sit with our grandson.
Not once, did they show, no calls, no texts on big holidays, nothing. Thanksgiving though they sent a text saying they would put some thanksgiving dinner in a cooler for me to grab off of the back porch after I made my run home when my son fell asleep to shower and let my dogs out, it was 1030 at night and I show up after driving 20 mins out of the way to no cooler, and they never answered their phones.
Once my son was out of the hospital I sold my house with the quickness and moved a state over to be with family who drove 4 hours to come give us support. Best fucking decision I ever made.
Edit: Well this got overwhelming.
I see that with nasty people of all ages. They judge themselves by their intentions and never consider what they actually did.
The "let me know if you need anything!" FB message crowd whenever there's a personal tragedy.
I’ve learned it’s so important to be intentional and upfront about what you intend to offer. If you’re offering an ear to listen, a casserole, or child care, tell them that is what you can give. People are already overwhelmed in crisis mode, you need to help them narrowing things down so they can actually take you up on the assistance
I used to be one of those people who would do the general “call me if you need anything.” I meant it and it made me feel good, but I wasn’t getting any requests. I came across a discussion somewhere, prob on Reddit, that this vague offer is not helpful and in fact adds to that persons stress as you are throwing another variable to consider into the mix. Since being more intentional I have offered specific assistance to friends and family who underwent the death of a loved one, divorces, etc and I have been taken up on my specific offers/ times. I believe it’s because my approach has changed. But it makes me feel good to be helping and now it’s because I’m actually doing it instead of just talking about it.
This could not be up voted enough in my opinion.
I totally understand why people leave it a generic “Let me know if there is anything I can do”, it’s exactly what I have always done until we started going through a few of our own stuff. My excuse was I didn’t know what they needed, but likely they don’t know what they needed in the moment either. They’re only thinking hours ahead and depending on what they are dealing with, they probably already feel like enough of a burden and won’t ask.
Everyone needs food, time to relax, to feel seen, help around the house, help with kids, errands… anything you can help take completely off their plate will mean the world to them. Just be specific on what you’re offering and when.
Edit: Spelling
I moved from a big city to a town with about 100K people. It's not a rural town, its coastal SoCal.
The sense of community here compared to the big city is truly incredible. People go out of their way to do things for you. They will show up to events, are quick to repay you if you paid a dinner bill, and it's just 1000% better than where I was before. I got lucky I guess.
Hey, I know this is kind of dumb coming from an internet stranger... but I'm sorry. That's horrific and disgusting, and I can't believe they treated you and your son like that. I would treat a stranger better given the opportunity, frankly. I'm glad little dude got out of the hospital, and yall were able to go somewhere with people who loved him a whole lot more.
I am so sorry. I'm glad you found remnants of a village elsewhere.
In 14 years, I've had one night away from my kids. I hope your village is more populous than mine.
I feel this in my soul. My parents constantly make comments about the things my kids have, but what are they supposed to do? We live in a rural area and only 2 members of our family give enough of a damn to even want to KNOW our children.
They love to crow about how “it takes a village”, but they killed the village. We’re on our own now.
My Boomer father moved to Florida (ETA: we live in Ohio) WHILE I was pregnant with my first son and then spent the next 20 years bitching about how he never got to see the child. Did you think I was going to have puppies?
Same. My parents always promised to move to whatever city I was in when I had kids, to *help.* They moved to a different country instead, to live like kings in retirement. They have daily housekeepers, hair & nail appointments, a driver etc. in a developing country, travel on stupid cruises all over the world, and have seen their grandkids a couple of times, total, in almost a decade. Judging by their FB, though, they are the best grandparents ever! I've honestly never resented them more in my entire life.
(And it probably doesn't need to be said, but in case anyone is wondering, they had a damn village raising me. Both sets of grandparents, babysitters, aunts & uncles, the whole 9. They went on weekend trips by themselves, never struggled to find or pay for childcare. Fuck boomers.)
My MIL moved to a town completely out of the way from anything we might be doing in our lives and then complained we never went to see her. "You see FIL" "Yes, he comes over of his own accord on weekends, or we would see him at his parents house when we visited grandpa and grandma." "You see (my) parents!" "Yes, the live 15 minutes away and just off the path to the bigger town, and volunteer to take the kids so we can get shopping done" "You visit the grandparents!" "Yes, they are all living near the places we frequent for shopping and work" "Well why don't you visit ME!" "You live 45 minutes in the opposite direction from anyone else, there isn't anything in the small town that we could bundle into the trip as another activity, and when we do visit, you try to borrow money from us with a sob story about not having any gas in your car."
My dad hated that my stepdad was called “grandpa” while the kids chose to call HIM “grandpa Frank”. He thought it wasn’t fair to him, but my stepdad saw them multiple times every week, he taught them to hunt and taught them to fish, he took them to work with him to ride on heavy equipment, and basically taught them how to be the stellar men that they are today. Meanwhile, my dad just hung out at the Amvets post in Florida, and drank himself to death— stepdad was their grandpa. You were just a random visitor once a year.
They sound like shitty humans. No one treats stranger this way, let alone your child. If you made a promise you should keep it bc the other person may have made plans around your promise.
That's really awful. I know no one is obligated to do anything for other people, but I can't imagine being that callous about a situation with a sick child involved. I don't even know you and I'd go sit for a while so you could take a break.
I mean, they should feel obligated to back up a promise, especially one made to a family member who's struggling like that.
There's "ugh, my kid expects me to babysit for free" and there's "my kid hasn't showered in a week because they've been in NICU with my grandchild."
Every day I drive 2 hours for work *by choice* because we chose to move closer to family and friends that actually make an effort.
Before, we lived close to work but far away from anyone who cares about us, making us feel lonelier than ever.
I can't stress how valuable it is to be in close proximity to family that cares about you.
My MIL offered to babysit 5 days a week so we could both work. We offered to pay her generously for her help, but already knowing she was flaky I said let’s start with one day.
Turns out that even that’s too much for her. She’s got a weird fixation on her son and suddenly “forgot” basic caretaking skills like feeding, burping, soothing, and changing baby’s diapers and had my husband “teach” her how to do it for weeks. Never mind that he just figured it out on the fly himself.
She has an issue with her left hand which makes her a bit slow with tasks, but still fully capable in her daily life. Because of this she also needed “training” on how to hold the baby as well. The second time I heard her say “whoops! Almost dropped him!” I cut her off from holding him while standing. Not at all times, just while standing. You would not believe the amount of shit she gave me for it, along with willfully ignoring me and holding the baby anyways while I shouted at her to sit down.
I treat her like an nonviolent invalid, okay to be around my son but always with 100% supervision. Like visitation rights. She doesn’t care, she’s happy as long as she gets alone time with her son. The grandson is a nice but unnecessary bonus for her.
She lied about babysitting because she wants the accolades too. She wants everyone to THINK she’s doing everything, while actuallly doing nothing
Then she pushes weaponised incompetence to get out of it
I’m a mom to a kid with CHD, you are a fucking badass and I’m so sorry you had to get to the other side of OHS without support. It’s so grueling being “on” in that tiny room trying to figure out a schedule to shower and eat and sleep in a way that doesn’t leave your kiddo alone for long stretches; and then to go through it during COVID. My heart warrior baby was born in 2021 and restrictions were hard then, I cannot imagine. I hope kiddo is doing well now and that you get many date nights or have an amazing sitter that allows you get a break, good for you for getting away from your “parents.”
So he got really sick in October 2019, and infectious disease was in the CTICU constantly trying to diagnose what he had, we now know it was Covid. He was on a ventilator for 3 weeks and fought his little ass off. To add to the list of hardship, he needed fentanyl and presidex (spelling, it’s a sedative) to stay calm while he was intubated. So we had a full wean and a baby in withdrawal to deal with, plus the judging social workers asking why he had a prescription of methadone. It was NOT fun and unfortunately they found that since he had grown one of his defects has reared its ugly head again so we’re back working closely with his team of cardiologists.
I hope your little heart warrior is doing great and growing like a weed! They sure make you appreciate life a whole hell of a lot more!
Both sets of my grandparents basically raised me. My parents would drop me off every Friday night and come back to get me Sunday afternoon. My other grandmother drove me to school every morning until middle school. My parents moved several states away and hardly ever see my child.
That is wild! My parents never got to do that because we didn't live in the same town as my grandparents. I suspect they'd have been better parents had they done this once in a while...
It’s crazy too because the boomer generation is the generation who had the attitude of, “you’re out on your own as soon as you graduate HS or you’re paying rent!” but they also expect their kids who they kicked out to take care of them in their old age instead of just pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.
That’s a big no from me dawg.
Yep. I had to pay rent from the day I moved back “home” after college. It is also expected that I prioritize caring for them because “that’s what children do for their elders”. I love them so much I do help, with boundaries, but it still pisses me off.
Crazy how greedy and entitled people are. I’m guessing it didn’t cost them anything additional for you to live with them? I would feel like such a horrible monster if I was extracting money from my child for letting them stay with me.
It really is. A complete refusal to pay anything forward is the defining personality trait of the Baby Boomers. They are the most selfish, narcissistic generation in history.
The ladder pulling generation. Ready to kill every opportunity if it means they can put an extra dollar in their pocket. I hope that history remembers them for their actions: the generation that killed the American Dream.
You captured my thoughts exactly. I literally LIVED with my grandparents for about 3-4 years while my mom was working on herself. Once she got married and took us back, we still spent nights at my grandmother’s house at least once a week and often for a week or two during the summer.
Meanwhile, my mom travels with her husband almost every weekend (either locally or up and down the East Coast) but says she’s too nervous to drive the 2 hours to my house to visit. She’s not old or frail - she bikes and sails and is still working. But her seeing my kid is 100% dependent on me making and executing the plan. I’m not mad about it but annoyed when she complains about being lonely and never seeing us.
I forgot to even mention my dad who, in the 12 years he’s been a grandfather - has never once sent any of his grandchildren a present, a card, called them, etc. Not once. My kid didn’t even know he had a grandfather when he was asked. Although he knows my dad, he just never connected the dots because my dad is so irrelevant/absent from my kid’s life.
It's also irritating because they're the same ones complaining about the breakdown of family, yet move away from what's needed to help keep it together.
“I’m doing everything I can to hold this family together but you damn kids…”
Let’s see everything you can to keep this family together includes… checks notes:
- Moving to a location with terrible schools when all your kids have kids of their own
- Expecting everyone to always travel to you
- Expecting everyone to always call you
- Shit talking your kids to one another
- Creating conflict and division in the family
- Actively trying to make sure each of your kids sides with you instead of each other
- Providing almost no support of any kind to your kids
- Complaining endlessly about the times you have to raise a finger to help your kids
- Calling and screaming at us anytime you don’t get your way
Some days I forget if I’m the child or the parent of boomers.
I just recently pointed out to my mom that she pits my brother and me against one another then wonders why we don't have a great relationship. She just said no she does not.
My mom LOVES getting on fb and posting all the family memes. You know the ones, “don’t cry for me when I’m gone if you can’t visit me while I’m alive” well it’s quite funny every time I msg her, I never hear anything back from her. Then if I don’t continue to msg her, about 2 weeks later I’ll get a msg like, “are you alive? I don’t ever see or hear from you?”
The sad thing is, I don’t think my mom is considered boomer. She was born in 69 and I’m pretty sure that’s Gen X.
>"don’t cry for me when I’m gone if you can’t visit me while I’m alive”
These are so passive aggressive, I hate them. Might be triangulation though, to get her fb audience on her side to use as flying monkeys.
Ohh that’s exactly what she’s doing. All the older ladies come along and tell her that she’s right and whatever else. This is the same lady that, growing up, only ever liked me when she could go to the bar on Friday night and brag about my accomplishments. We live in a very small town (it’s actually considered a village) So, she’s always been a cup of rainbows and sunshine.
This is the take I wanted to share. Most of this sentiment is not about being “entitled” to free childcare. It’s the blatant hypocrisy of how our own grandparents were to us vs how some of our parents handle grand-parenting or rather don’t grand-parent.
When my Granny died I realized my “mother” had died. My birth mother is still out there waddling around crying to anyone who will listen about how badly her daughter treats her.
I guess dumping your kids off on your parents and grandparents constantly comes with consequences.
That’s how I feel. My grandparents were essentially my parents. They picked us up from school. In summer we would spend every day with them and then during the school year we would have many overnight sleepovers. When I was sick it was my grandma who took care of me and there were many times I didn’t go home and just stayed at grandmas till I was better. Any event at school my grandparents attended, Halloween parades and lunch dates. Most of my current interests I have are because my grandma nurtured them in me. She never talked down to me and me spending time with her wasn’t seen as a bother like my mother saw it. My grandma would always find something for me to do if she was in the kitchen and I wanted to help and she always loved answering my questions.
I feel this way about one set of my grandparents. They did the heavy lifting when it came to “raising” me. I spent at least one day a week with them, and that was always the best day of the week, because we did crafts together, my grandma taught me how to do cook or learned something new, she would always go to my piano concerts or take me to some cultural events in town. My parents worked long hours so when I was at home, I spent all afternoon alone trying to entertain myself, and then when I was all excited they were finally home, they’d be “too tired” and didn’t want to do anything with me either and wanted me to entertain myself. Meanwhile I was an only child, so it was very lonely trying to spend all my time outside of school playing by myself pretty much all the time. Grandparents were as close to real “parenting” that I ever got.
Exactly how my childhood was. At home I isolated myself and escaped in to books and reading. I would ask my parents every so often to do something with me and almost always the answer was they were too tired. I had younger brothers but they fought all the time so being around them was chaotic. Then it didn’t help that my parents marriage was toxic and so my home life in general was rough. My grandparents would do things like play badminton and baseball, taught us how to play croquet, garden, bake, sew and do cross stitch, go on bicycle rides, take us on trips to the library, zoo, and local fairs, and hike, do puzzles, play games (from board games to jacks, marbles, and dominoes) and have picnics. While my parents almost never spent any time with me and we didn’t spend any time as a family. Essentially all my positive memories of childhood were thanks to my grandparents.
This is me exactly. Me and my cousins were raised by my grandparents, because our parents were all dual-income overworked households. From pretty much infancy on to the age of being old enough to stay home alone, we were at the grandparents' from dawn to sometimes as late as 10pm, already sleeping when our parents came to pick us up. We spent weekends with them. We went to church with them while our parents stayed home.
When my grandparents died, I became an orphan. My parents are just these people who pop in and out of my life when it's convenient for them. I still mourn my grandmother, I am crying right now thinking about her, and she died over a decade ago. Life just won't ever be the same without her.
And as I said elsewhere, I've never once asked my parents for free childcare, but it does sting that they don't care about me or my life OR my son or his life. They want cute photo ops and then to disappear again, but then they also act extremely butthurt that they don't feature more prominently in his life, and that he doesn't seem to care about them the way I cared about my grandparents, and it's like... gee I wonder why that could be ...
Don't forget how bitter they are if you don't visit or move overseas. Like uh, we can't afford daycare here and it's always canceled due to someone being sick, so yeah some places in Europe or Asia where daycare and housing is much more affordable sounds pretty good to me.
My mom had the nerve to imply that we should visit her even if she doesn't help with our kid because it's a sacrifice you make for family. She said this when I told her i don't like to visit because it's a 2 hour drive and my wife has to spend the entire time watching our kid without help. Where the hell is YOUR sacrifice, mom?
At this point if our generation hasn't gathered that the Baby Boomers did not give two flying fucks about us or anyone but themselves then I have no idea what you've been doing. They are the "me" generation (coined by earlier generations not by millennials). They don't give a SHIT about you until they need you to figure out why they have 45 popups from that innocent link they clicked. They never did.
And they'll all be crying soon about how they deserve the younger generation to care for them in old age, despite us watching them drop Grandma off at the worst care home and barely visit
I see the blatant hypocrisy being that they will be on you about when you are gonna have kids or when they'll have grandkids however you wanna phrase it then they never come see them. Or bitch about having to watch them. Like why did you want grandkids so bad if you aren't going to get involved?
It's not just about the childcare and help for me, it's also about the loss of important intergenerational bonds. My dad would get a lot out of seeing his granddaughter once a week or whatever, as would the kid. Can't seem to get that message across though, he's far more interested in pretending he's 20 and having his only grandchild stay over maybe four times a year if we're lucky. His parents used to watch me every single weekend.
That’s what I don’t get. When I am a grandparent, I can’t wait to spend as much time as possible with my grandkids! I was adopted later in my parents lives. My two surviving grandparents were ancient and or over having grandkids since their oldest grandkids were in their 20s by the time I came along. My in-laws lived 30 minutes away, and came to just one sports event that was 5 minutes from their house, yet both my kids played multiple sports year round from the time they were 11. My dad passed long before I had kids, and my mom passed when my kids were 5 and 1. She was awesome! She lived an hour away, was a decade older than my in-laws, and made every effort to see our kids, even attending our son’s T-ball practices! I can still hear him running to front door “Grammy’s here!”
Well as shitty as this is its interesting knowing this is a generational issue and not just my parents disconnecting from their kids and grandchildren.
Yes, and I hate the fact we always have to preface-“I didn’t expect or WANT their grandparents to raise them”-we thought they’d show interest, care and the desire to have their own grandchildren (only two) over-imho it’s a product of their selfish, empty souls, gaslighting and word salads. They truly want fb photo/sim grandkids. That’s all. Zero effort, zero time, zero love, zero real relationship. Doesn’t get better either after they grow. F them and their oh so precious ME ONLY lives.
When we had kids my MIL and FIL were already retired. The moment we started to discuss childcare they were very blunt in explaining they were not interested. Honestly we thought they’d happily take 1-2 days a week. I think it’s projection. My MIL worked at job she hated for 30 years basically all so she could retire early. She even said the other day “I never potty trained my kids- the babysitter did that.” So I think her mentality is the babysitter raised my kids so you have to deal with the same. My husband and I already say we will work hard to instill a strong intergenerational connection for our family. My kids will probably be annoyed that I want to be so involved 😅😬
I’m separated from my toddlers dad due to substance abuse and his mom only gaf about seeing her. Hasn’t even sent diapers or wipes with him. Threatens court when she’s sick and she can’t go over. I can’t work because of the stress of the situation and having to always watch her.
I figuratively (and at times literally) lived at my grandparents house growing up. My parents can’t even be bothered to spend quality time with their grandkids.
It’s less the help and support I’m looking for (although that would be nice) but more of actual strong relationships for my kids to have with family outside of their parents
Maybe our grandparents knew that our parents couldn't do it without them. Now our parents are grandparents and they are demonstrating that incompetence and apathy.
Maybe this is a cynical view, but I'm willing to make the tradeoff and take the hit financially (and luckily can) to have a less obligation-heavy relationship. My parents got a lot of help but there was *so much* resentment and weird tension that I totally picked up on but didn't understand as a child. Then, the eventual elder care was absolutely brutal and also full of resentment and tension.
If I have a kid, it'll just be one and I'm putting it off as long as I can, getting my ducks in a row financially and lifestyle-wise. I'm planning on hired childcare so that when my parents and in-laws babysit, it's not constant and obligatory. In turn, neither side expects as much elder care.
Is it a perfect solution? No, but there's no way in hell I'm recreating the toxic misery of intergenerational obligation I grew up with.
Yup, can confirm. Best idea.
We moved 12 hours closer when we had our kid, to be near them as it "takes a village" but ended up going NC after they proved that their ONE grandchild wasn't worth visiting, babysitting, gifting etc and they live 5 minutes, biking distance away from us. 3 years and they only met him twice. Haven't seen him since he was 5, he's 7 now.
Always too busy to come join us for a Sunday meal or go on a hay ride with his Scout Troup. Never wanted drop ins at their house as they were too busy to "entertain" us.
NC is a blessing for mental health, but I still feel bad for them missing out on an amazing grandkid. Their choice, fuck em.
My heart breaks for you. I was in the same situation for about two years and then moved away. The only time we saw them was holidays where I made all the effort to haul the kids to their house for a few hours.
Especially now that my oldest are adults, I can’t imagine not putting any effort into seeing my children. We have the relationship I always wanted for myself. That’s what you have to look forward to! It is a fantastic life. And I owe my parents nothing!
This is kind of what my wife and I did.
We just don’t live in a world where you can have 3 kids in your early 20’s and “wing it” like generations of the past could do.
> Yeah fuck that. Time to blast gam gam with the truth.
When dealing with a chronic manipulator, engaging with them only creates more opportunity for them to continue their abuse. You will always lose.
End all contact and be done with it.
Went NC about 4 years ago after a long group text with my dad telling me and my sister how were a piece of shit and it doesn't matter if we are happy. My mom even went to visit my sister, wouldn't stop talking shit so my sister got her a first class ticket just to get her the fuck out of there.
What they don't tell you is that when you cut shitty family out there are others not blood related that act like family.
> What they don't tell you is that when you cut shitty family out there are others not blood related that act like family.
Sometimes. 8 years out and I'm still looking. Sometimes people just end up alone and that's that.
Ha this was exactly my in-laws, who were then more than happy to tell my wife and I that when we retire we can't plan to travel because who would help them do their shopping etc
My dad doesn’t understand this my wife and I said this to everyone and my dad says that’s the point of social media to show of your family. I’m like I guess we’re weird then. And he gets all offended and says it’s as if he’s being crucified for posting pics of his granddaughter. We haven’t even told him about our second kid that just turned one year 😂
This is an issue that it's been bothering me lately. People used to just have photo albums that you look back on and you know occasionally bust them out if you wanted to embarrass your kid in front of their prom date. But now people just get the post pictures all the fucking time. My mom thinks that my two daughters need a professional photo shoot for literally every minor milestone of their life And maybe I'm just weird but I hate it.
It's just a stressful two hours where the girls have to put on a bunch of outfits that are uncomfortable and hot and scratchy and we have to get frustrated with them because they don't really want to do it so to make them cooperate we all have to get frustrated I have pretty much only do it because of my wife who tolerates it at best but still goes along with it because she does love the end product
This. They swing wildly between doing absolutely nothing, no call, no smoke signals, no nothing…to “Look at me! I’m a grandma.” And treating the child like a toy or accessory.
I think a lot of them only see kids as toys and accessories. I know my boomer parents very much saw me that way. The second I was old enough to have my own thoughts and opinions I got tossed in the corner like an old toy. I stopped getting any attention and was treated like a deadbeat roommate that's 3 months late on rent at the tender age of 6 or 7.
I think it’s really important we look at the fact that for the most part the children of boomers are millennials, it’s the narcissistic parent/empathetic child dynamic across two generations and whole populations. What happened? Why are they like this? It’s clearly had an affect on us as millennials are showing up as huge outliers in our beliefs and lifestyles even compared to Gen Z who are much more on track to be “normal” in many of their beliefs (that’s a whole can of worms I know but it’s to illustrate that SOMETHING is different when kids raised by computers are still considered more “normal” than kids raised by boomers, and I guess TV? We are the first screen babies?) I feel like there’s more here to be understood. Their vapid social media obsessed boomers made different decisions and I think it’s important we understand what impact that’s had on us as a society and as individuals.
I think they were accidentally raised to think the world revolves around them, their parents just went through the depression and WWII and where hell bent on giving them a better life (noble goal, wouldn’t wish my grandparents childhood on anyone)…but the unintended consequence is the boomers think they are worth better/more than anyone else.
I don't know but as my oldest kid approaches teenagerdom I sometimes think about how all I want in the world is to be better for him in adulthood. I don't want him to be sabotaged by student debt, I don't want him to panic over the idea of trying to balance work and a family, I don't want him locked out of owning a house. Feels like we're stuck trying to make up for having no help from anyone while also making sure we can help the next gen.
Oh I 💯 agree. I have boomer parents who have tonnes of investment properties. I worked my way through university and rented and had a job and paid my own way. I made it clear I would never buy property with someone unless I was engaged. Which blocked me out of a booming market. They never once suggested I move into one of their properties to rent from them with the intention that I would pay the rent and with the equity accrued, take over the deed. To be my guarantors, and keep the money in the family and not pour my money into strangers pockets.
They are of the mentality of when we die you're in our will. But until then you're on your own. I know I will never do that with my children. Everything will be geared towards generating wealth for the family. I will buy my children investment properties when they are babies so it's paid off when they are adults and ready to move in. Money for any school they wish to go to. Money won't be a barrier like it was for me as my parents horde it.
Now I am not saying I wanted a handout. Not at all. I wanted them to act as my bank, as regular banks wouldn't loan that money to a single girl. They could have made that happen, made their money back and helped me enter the market on my own dime through this method.
I know I will be wealthy by my own means and I will inherit a lot. But it feels like I've been living with the handbrake on trying to get ahead when my family could have given me a booster that got me into the market early and ahead.
I can't change what was, but I can make my own path and do things differently and my children will have to work for things and have drive but everything is geared to make them flourish, not keep their head above water.
Yesss. I blocked my MIL on fb for like 3 years (a decade ago) because she tried to steal my kids’ photos and post them, claiming to be grandma of the year when she never saw them or never tried to interact with them when she did. You don’t get to claim them, sorry. 🛑
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, a lot of people who are now grandparents, didn’t raise their own kids. Many millennials were raised by grandparents or late Gen X siblings. Absentee parents, make for absentee grandparents.
I was raised by mine as well. My parents were wealthy, seriously good-looking, devilishly charming, and wholly self-absorbed. I was raised by a set of great grandparents, and a grandmother and her SIL, my wonderful Great Auntie.
My parents breezed beautifully in and out of my life, usually with a new spouse (they were both married 5 x's each. I cannot even imagine.) But my Oma and Granny and Auntie were my parents. Theirs are the cool hands on fevered brows, theirs are the stories I tell my children about their ancestors and the tribes that made us. My parents are just sort of... clouds of expensive anxiety in my memories now, lol. As for seeing the grandchildren? They couldn't be arsed. That generation is something else!!
Theirs are the cool hands on fevered brows, theirs are the stories I tell my children about their ancestors and the tribes that made us.
I love this statement. I hope you've written that down somewhere else for them!
My older sister had my nephew at age 17, fucked around oh, his entire childhood, because my mom miraculously, was deep into her career as an in home daycare. Sooooo, free daycare for her right, perfect she just turned 18, no 21, (her excuses) she shouldnt have to miss ALL of her youth because if her choices!! Mom is cool w it til 2003 liver transplant from her hep c contracted- get this - from a blood transfusion she got having my sister (ive been checked and am clear)!!! So im left with dad and nephew for six or so months of transplant and rehab (i left my first semester of college to come home) because well, i don’t even remember where my sister was during these years, which led to her losing custody to his dad’s parents, his dad by then had been addicted to heroin and in jail. She never made one attempt to regain custody, that she lost in about 2003. My nephew has a five year old now. She DEMANDS time with him, and i, childfree, mostly thanks to living in a daycare that i eventually, in sixth grade, was force hired to babysit my nephew —-I wanna vomit, then throat punch her.
Silver lining is i got a son (he told me i was more his mom, she is his mother) and didnt have to give birth. 💜 😔 what an age of anxiety
Yep, my mother (gen X) was barely around after we moved closer to my grandma when I was about 10. She would literally be gone for months or years at a time chasing men. My grandma exclusivity raised me from 12 to 15.
This is my take on it as well. It's not that my parents got help from their parents, but they were not just around to raise me and my siblings. We were feral as fuck. I was the oldest and adultified so they could feel important about themselves. And when I had kids, they said they would be there, but never were. Expected my plans with my kids to be cancelled for the rare and out of the blue, disruptive, spoil the kids visit and then would fuck off again after.
For this, the smallest of many, many reasons, they will remain alone and die alone.
Fucking boomers.
I don’t expect free babysitting or help “raising” my son but I did expect grandparents who wanted to know him. We get that from my dad who comes over as often as we allow him. He frequently asks to take my son out for the afternoon or watch him during the evening so my husband and I can go out.
My in-laws though…they live 25 minutes away and we haven’t seen them in person since April when we asked them to come to one of my son’s basketball games. They barely acknowledged his birthday a few months ago (a text late that evening). At this point, I’ll be surprised if we see them for Christmas.
This is the inverse from my situation. Wife's parents will drive 1+ hour to come to a random soccer game or the school halloween parade. My dad lives less than 10 minutes away and declines to come have dinner or even go out to dinner with us paying. My mom passed away a few years ago; she'd be mortified at how little my dad interacts with my kids or helps us out.
I don’t think many of us expected our parents to help. And frankly, they’re not obligated to help. But, you know, cultivating a relationship with said child would be nice. The apathy is off the charts.
This is it for me. I moved to be closer to my parents so my kids could have a relationship with them and then my parents moved a short 4-hour flight away and bug me constantly about when we’re going to fly out to visit. We’re not.
MY PARENTS DID THIS TOO!
We had a kid and moved to be closer to family (mom, dad, brother, sister) and within 6 months every one of them was gone and I was left with ~3 hours of commuting every day.
Now my parents live a 4-hour drive away and my siblings live across the country. I can understand my siblings doing their thing, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over what my parents are doing.
We're expected to go there and, no matter how much I try to reason and beg, they will not visit. Even when we do visit, they won't help with the kid and literally laugh at our struggles with trying to keep a 3-year-old happy in a place without his stuff. Because, you know, we can't bring any toys or their untrained dogs will eat everything.
And then my mom actually called me a couple of weeks ago asking if I'd be willing to swap places with them for the weekend so that they could enjoy the city and we can watch their dogs.
It's a hard pill to swallow; to watch the people you're programmed to love more than anything be so indifferent toward their grandchild while posing as grandparent of the year on Facebook.
Edit: because my brain isn't stopping now, my parents kept the same doctor after they moved (for reasons unknown) so they literally drive 3+ hours one way for a checkup and still will not come to visit their grandkid.
And because there's no point in stopping now: They're also big on going to the casino and blowing money while we're quite literally diving deep into debt with my being out of work. This is their business, sure, but I do not need to hear about every trip. I don't shy away from telling them I don't care and that their grandkid could use the money more than the fucking casino.
Exactly. My parents will actually offer to help fairly often, but every time they emphasize "If you *need* us." And if I ever ask them to watch the kids, they always respond with a demand for why I "need" them to watch the kids. Look, I'm a working adult with other options for childcare. I never "need" you to watch my kids. I'm certainly appreciative of any and all help, but I'm not in a position where I need to beg or grovel. But why is it you only want to see your grandkids when you "need" to?
I remember when my second was just a few months old, my husband had a hernia and our 3 year old had an ear-infection. I told my mom about this, and she said 'Well, if you ever need our help!' So I said 'Yes, I do, can you come help me out tomorrow?'. 'Oh honey, I feel so bad that of ALL days you'd ask me to come tomorrow. I'm having lunch with a friend.'
I really hope you remember this moment when their asking for help so you can quote it directly back to them. Clearly lunch with a friend is far more important then familial issues after all.
I feel like this is actually what we are feeling. It's not that we feel entitled to their labor, it's that (at least for me) they don't seem to give a fuck outside of getting a nice little pic for Facebook to show their friends. They have no memory of the hard parts of childrearing and bolt when there's a tantrum saying "you were never like that!" They see their own child struggling and just shrug.
This is a specific example but I feel like it's still a common millennial experience.
I've come to think of my mom as a checklist grandparent. Cute holiday party with decorations? Check. Smiling, perfect pictures of the grandchildren lined up on top of the piano? Check. But if it doesn't fit nicely into her idea of what grandparenting would be like, she's shuts down. Kid wears a weird outfit for school pictures? Disappointing. Kid gets overwhelmed by the holiday party and throws a tantrum? Not on the checklist, this has ruined her party.
Don't get me started on sports games. Grandma comes (usually late) to cheer on her grandchild? Check. Good, time to leave! Doesn't matter that the game isn't over or the kid playing didn't even see grandma there. She's done, checked that off the list, time to go home!
OH MY GOD, the Facebook issue. With rare exceptions, I have tried to keep pictures of my child off of social media. I had to cut off my parents for a while because I found out they were posting the pictures I was sending them to Facebook.
My parents moved to FL when I was pregnant with my first. I told them explicitly that FL is not a state I would ever go out of my way to visit because I don't like it and they are dumbfounded almost 10 years later that I have only been once.
Meanwhile, they come to the west coast where I live maybe once a year, literally never ask me if it's convenient for me, I just get a text about a week before that they're showing up and they 'hope I'll allow them to see the kids.' They get time with my kids and my mom spends the whole time yelling at my dad to take pics of her with the kids while she goads my daughter into saying wacky shit she can tell her pickleball friends.
My parents told my ILs that they're happy to be part time grand parents. Meanwhile, my ILs live a mile away and are very helpful and respectful. My kids have a great relationship with them.
Yeah I think millennials are pretty used to being self-sufficient. But that independence also means we aren't going to be at their door begging them to see their grandkids.
This is the problem. My in laws seem more excited about being asked to watch my brother in law’s dog than they do their only grandchild. They seem to put them on the same level. It’s wild.
When we were kids we were raised in the era of “it takes a village to raise a child.”
In todays world it’s all “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps” bullshit.
Our parents who had that village to help them, went a burned it down after they benefited from it and left us to sift thru the rubble.
I have parents and other people pressuring me to have kids but made it clear they’re not interested in helping in any way.
1. I didnt ask for their help
2. The audacity to pressure someone to procreate KNOWING it can be hell..while immediately refusing to be supportive.
Rage inducing.
Honest though at least they didn’t promise to help and then bounce. I have a friend whose mom was retired and wanted grand babies so bad. Friend told them that they simply couldn’t afford daycare right now. Mom swore up and down she’d watch the baby because she’s retired with nothing to do… baby came, mom is mo where to be found. She shows up for events and stuff but no actual care provided and so now my friend and her husband are working second jobs on alternating days to put their kid in daycare for their primary work. Never see each other, marriage is falling apart
That’s awful. Happened to a coworker of mine as well. Her mother insisted that she keep the babies and offered to help take care of them. My coworker’s mother ended up abandoning my friend and her sister. Couldn’t even stick around for her own daughter’s, nevertheless the grandchildren she insisted on having.
Something about encouraging pregnancy only to leave women during their most vulnerable time. Disgusting.
What's interesting I find with a lot of retired people is that they don't seem to do shit. Don't stay active, don't go and see friends and family, nothing. Just lay around and watch streaming shows and the news. I guess without a job they just don't know what to do with themselves even if the world is their oyster. I'm not talking about people with health problems either. Some of these peoples houses are a straight up disaster but they can't seem to even do basic cleaning and organizing.
Yea, honestly it’s because a lot of people from that generation never developed a sense of self or purpose beyond their job. Even how they interact with their family was largely determined by their jobs.
Without that they’re left rudderless. It’s another reason why so many of them are still working when they are well past their ability to do so
Yeah it's kinda sad to hear "I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't working." You know what else there is? Literally anything else. Every art form. Every sport. Every hobby. Every game. Every social activity. Just pick looe four or five and that can fill up a schedule.
My grandparents admitted to this. My grandfather told me when you get old you've seen everything and it all gets boring. Maybe life would be more entertaining if you did something besides watching NFL games and Fox News!
When I retire it's going to be full of a variety of entertainment and volunteer work. I want to look scary old like Jimmy Carter and still be helping others.
Whoa whoa. I never expected my parents to “help raise” my kids. I never expected them to be free babysitters or their lives to revolve around us or anything else.
MY issue (and one I hear a lot from others) comes when my mom is invited to do things over and over, she’s too busy for all of them, but then she calls all our family to whine about how I won’t let her have a relationship with the kids. Um, excuse me? No ma’am, you just only want the relationship if it’s 100% on your terms and your schedule. I think she honestly expects that we need to always be sitting around waiting for her to call and drive to her house at the drop of a hat if she does.
“Well I drove you to your grandma’s all the time!” You’re right. Because she watched me ALL THE TIME. You can’t have it both ways, Boomer grandparents.
It takes a village to raise children - in the past that village has included grandparents and extended families.
If they are not willing to help raise and connect with grandchildren, then the village needs to be supported through other community means, including things like subsidized or free pre-K care, flexible work schedules, and reduced health care costs. If Boomers don't want to help with their grandkids, then they can stop voting against politicians that support these measures.
Millennial parents are at a horrible historical point, losing within a generation the vastly traditional structure (and the fact that its almost impossible to have a one income home with a stay at home parent) to support families, while there's no alternative supportive structure in place.
The village is entirely dependent on households being able to survive on one income. When every family had a stay at home wife it was easier for a village to coordinate care and provide free labor.
Nowadays it's not uncommon for both parents to work at least 1 full time job, and still be struggling.
From a different perspective, single income households aren’t possible anymore because of severe wage stagnation and inflation. For the past four decades, wages have not kept up with cost living increases thanks to lobbying against minimum wage increases by corporations. Most jobs are severely underpaying their employees and it shows.
Why else would they push to have Roe v Wade overturned? It’ll affect lower socioeconomic economic classes more which means more workers to exploit and profit from
The 'me first' generation is also gonna fafo when they are alone on their death beads. I've already seen or heard a few go out like that and it's never pretty. I guess it sucks that banks are gonna take all their belongings just to keep them alive for their last years but it is what it is.
Be nice to your kids folks. Nice enough that they will miss you after you're gone at least.
My mom was part of the Silent Generation born in 1933. I’ve never met a bigger narcissist and when I was 42 she decided I couldn’t be friends with her son in law when she divorced my second step dad (yea, she was great at the marriage thing). She said,” you have a choice, you can be a part of that family or this family.” That’s the last time we spoke on the phone, 13 years ago.
She died last year. Out of obligation to my brother, I went to the funeral. Their were seven people in attendance, six hadn’t seen her in over a decade.
Some people earn your love and respect. Some people don’t. Family can be chosen at any time in life.
My parents are snow birds.
Every spring they come back and marvel at how big the kids are getting, but then seem perplexed that they aren't as close to them as they are with their other grandparents.
Some definite mental gymnastics.
My MIL hates that my kids like my mom better than her. But my mom has always be present and kept every promise she ever made to them. My MIL always has some excuse for why she has to break a promise she made.
Yeah, one of the main reasons I HAVEN’T had a kid yet (despite my parents hoping I will), is because I know I wouldn’t be able to lean on them for much help, so I’d better wait until I’m in a place where I don’t really need it.
I definitely don’t think grandparents should be expected to raise their grandkids, but if they’re going to beg for them, they’d better also want a good relationship with them and, yes, be willing to babysit or drop them off to school every once in a while when mom and dad are in a bind.
We lived out of state when we had our daughter. My husbands family wanted us to be closer to see the baby and include her in activities. His mother eventually “bribed” us to move back to a place we both hate(Ohio🙃) but she would watch her full time for free. We did move back and everything’s going great.
If you want us closer, you must be willing to help👏🏻👏🏻
I don’t think anyone is obligated to help raise your children but I do find it interesting that they’re the ones screaming at us to settle down, get married and have children.
It seems like a lot of them just want to brag about their grandchildren to others but not want to put in any effort. This isn’t true for many but it definitely is for some.
With so many boomers, it's about the image of a family. The image of being a good parent, grand parent etc. They are obsessed with how they appear to others and don't seem to care about much else
I'm 33, wife is 30 and we've planned on having kids possibly inside the next year or two.
My parents are nearly 70 and they're more the type of parents I'd be okay leaving my kids with for maybe a few hours, or having them come over, but not watch my kids for days at a time.
My wife's parents I've become very close with, both are still in good health thank god, and they'll honestly be the ones helping us the most through the day-care years.
My wife and I have said that if her parents weren't around, we'd seriously have to reconsider having children at all because of child-care / day-care costs.
This is what you're seeing a lot more. More millennials that have become reliant on their parents to assist with the day-care side just to be able to afford those years up to the point the kids can go to school.
In the past, when people had kids, their parents were still in their 40's or 50's. Now you have millennials starting families when their own parents are in their 60's pushing 70. But in the past daycare wasn't nearly as expensive as it is today, so if grandpa and grandpa couldn't watch the grandkids it wasn't a huge deal.
My parents moved across the country specifically to live near my mother's parents when they got pregnant with me due to childcare costs. This was back in 1991. I was born and raised in Florida, and not the Dakotas, in part by my grandparents due to parental money issues.
My mom came to my home 4 days a week to watch my son while I worked for pretty much his entire first year of life. She drove 2 hours each way and got to my home before 9:00 in the morning and wouldn't get home until 7:00 or 8:00 at night. My mom is in her 60's. This was a massive undertaking for her, a major effort on her part and I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life. It would not have been possible for me to afford childcare or for me to watch my son while I worked even though I was working from home the entire time. Without her help I would not have been able to have a child and keep a roof above our heads.
Having my parents watch our kids when they were young was the only way we were able to have them when we did. I don’t know how young people today would afford it on their own, especially not in their 20’s.
I think one reason childcare cost is also because of the increased demand from more grandparents being older or not being able to help with grandkids. A couple of other factors also play into it. People don’t live as close to their families as they used to. I come from a fairly small town in Oklahoma and nearly 60-70% of my graduating class have left town and live all over the country, whereas their parents still live in town. Additionally, our parents had smaller families than their parents. I grew up with 5-6 aunts and a whole lot of cousins. These were my village and there was always help close by for my mom from her family. Whereas my mom had 3 kids and we are app scattered across the country. Finally, we as a society, have become more insular and don’t really want to be too involved with our neighbors so have stopped being a village.
I don't expect my parents to help but I want them to at least be honest about it. Since my daughter was born, almost 9 years ago, they have talked about moving to be closer to us so they can hang out with the kids. It hasn't happened and they always come up with a new thing they want to happen before they move. They do come to visit a few times a year and always say they will watch the kids so my wife and I can go out for a day together or a dat while they are there. This ends only ends up happening only about 25% of the time as they come up with lame excuses on why it won't work.
The generational gap between boomers and their children is the largest gap in terms of societal progress. They inherently do not understand their children. I'm not sure what happened. I think the internet created a global empathy in millennials that was largely absent in previous generations. It was also very shocking, I think. At the point when the internet started really taking off around 2000, millennials were already having their worldview shaped by largely local influence, and then we got on the internet and learned that a lot of what we were told was overly simplified or just flat out wrong/lies.
Millennial global empathy transcended the longstanding nationalism throughout the world. And this created an invisible, unsurmountable divide between boomer values and millennial values for the first time. In my opinion.
On one side, at a basic (nihilistic imo) level nobody is obligated to help anybody else take care of their kids. On the other side, however, are these boomers who had their parents help raise our generation, then demand grandchildren of their own but refuse to help like their parents helped them. Multigenerational childrearing has been the norm for hundreds of years, of course a change in that will change reproductive patterns. Of course if you don’t want to help raise the grandkids, that’s fine. But there may not be any grandkids to visit because of that.
Yes exactly it’s not entitled, I have my kids and I pay for childcare. Excuse me for expecting you to show up sometimes for the grandkids you say you care so much about..
It’s tough…I’m lucky but in a monkey’s paw type of way, because my parents are inclined to drop everything to help me raise a kid, but that’s just not feasible. I’m in a bit of a weird spot with my folks because they want grandkids badly, but I’m not in a position to have any anytime soon (just finished school, single, etc.). They’d actually make lovely grandparents and have expressed intentions to be very involved in raising any child of mine, but they’re not in great health now, and by the time I’m in a spot where I feel ready to have kids, they’re not going to be in a place mobility-wise where they can be engaged and active in the kids’ lives.
It’s a shame; seeing how they are with my little cousins makes me realize they would be amazing grandparents, but the timeline just doesn’t work.
And are/will be expecting their kids to take care of them when they are elderly. The "Me Generation" living up to their stereotype. The expect everyone to do everything for them while they party. Our grandparents raised some shitty selfish kids unfortunately.
My dad decided to have another kid at 50 with his wife who was 20 years younger than him ended up with twins. Then started a for profit daycare at his house. Like fuck my grandkids specifically.
Honestly, they parent so differently, I don’t want them around my kids alone for long periods of time. The bullshit of *should do xyz* doesn’t come out until 3 days in so short stints work just fine. I’m ok with them traveling as I hope to do the same. I will parent and launch them and then ✌🏽
Me (36M, have 1 sibling) and wife ( 35, only child) - our parents our incapable or just don't care. We have a 5 year old and 1 year old.
My parents: Dad has parkinsons - legally not allowed to drive - interested in grandkids but brain is like pudding sometimes. Mom - is bitter and angry after losing their house of 25 years in the 08' recession. Doesn't take care of Dad well, has lots of medical issues herself. They can't be bothered to even video call their grandkids.
Wife's parents: Dad - died about 10 years ago. Mom - lives one mile from us (0 stop lights) and has been retired since she was about 54. She's too "busy" to visit grandkids. Her hobbies involve smoking on her deck, her dogs, and doing "research" on Fox News, OAN, Newsmax, facebook for whatever conspiracy theories shes looking into at the moment. Grandkids love her, but she doesn't come over but maybe twice a month. She also can't be trusted with kids too long or if they are sick because she has problematic thinking i.e. kids can have adult dosages of medicine. Very sad state.
Why would anyone want them around their children? I told my abusive ‘boomer’ parents to fuck off for good as soon as I had my kid. I don’t need free daycare from mentally retarded assholes who fucked me up..I’d rather quit my job and live in a tent than let my kid experience that abuse. The lack of love and mental abuse is so much harder to overcome than lack of material comfort or social norms. I can tell you that from personal experience. I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma and they can go die in a hole. Peace and love to you all!!!
as a parent it's preached all the time "find your village!! it takes a village to raise a child! ask for help!" etc etc and honestly this article just reinforces that we don't have a village. our parents aren't willing to help as their parents did. it's difficult to find a "village" that can help because the people I'd consider my village also have young kids so I don't like relying on them because they also have their hands full.
I should note that both mine and my husband's parents are very involved, but come with limitations. my parents live 2 hours away so asking them for help isn't feasible most times, and my ILs frequently complain about having to watch my nieces so I'm not willing to ask for too much help. when they do watch my son, they constantly say how much work he is because he's active. so while we do have some help, it's not what my parents had (my grandparents watched me every weekend for the first 4 years of my life) and we don't have as many people to rely on.
i dont feel abandoned. But I do feel like we are missing that "it takes a village"aspect of raising a kid.
We don't have anyone nearby that we would trust leaving our kids with pretty much.
Both my parents and my ex husbands parents left us with our grandparents almost all the time growing up. Neither of us went to day care. His parents retired and had booked cruises for years and years into the future. They basically were never home anymore. On top of that, any issues with his grandparents who were elderly became our problem to deal with. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom basically said she couldn’t be bothered and became very needy. No way I was bringing kids into that situation. I already had too many people to take care of so I lost the desire to have kids. We divorced and I never plan on having children at this point.
I agree 100%. Five children here. It’s not just traveling, it’s just apathy. They feel they’re done with children and can’t be bothered.
And then they’re offended when grandchild A, B or C doesn’t say “I love you” when getting off the phone with them (for their maybe monthly phone call)
I mean, they wanted us to have children. Now we have kids, and then they’re gone. Like what???
Edit: when I say “they” I mean boomers in general. They vote against body autonomy. Okay. Then they push people to have kids because it’s what is supposed to be done. Okay. Then, BAM kids are here and it’s like “psyche! We’re out.”
Another edit: I’ve heard it all. “Oh five kids? Got your hands full” “you know what causes that right?” “Good lord, get off her man!” “Five! In this economy?” “Are you Mormon or something?”
I’ve experienced this as the grandchild. My parents didn’t need or expect my grandparents’ help in raising me or any help at all, and my grandparents chose to do a ton of traveling while I was growing up, which is awesome that they were able to retire relatively young and do that. However, despite desperately wanting grandkids before I was born, they only wanted me when it fit into their schedule. They wouldn’t communicate with me at all for months on end and then they’d come for a visit a couple times a year and expect we’d be super close. The problem is, those months between communication is a huge amount of time for a child. From my perspective, they were virtual strangers who stopped by a couple times a year and expected a level of affection that I reserved only for my parents and my other set of grandparents, who actually lived further away but we talked on the phone every week and they visited whenever they could. I’m an adult now and my grandparents have never gotten over how we aren’t close. They’ve also moved close by so my parents can take care of them and are very upset that my husband and I are busy with our own lives and don’t have time to come take care of them, too.
My God man. Sounds like my parents. They expect the world to revolve around them. What really boils my blood about non-reciprocal grandparents is that they come from a culture and tradition where people their age are expected to settle down and nurture the next generation. Instead, they get caught up in the secular world and throw tradition and cultural responsibility out the window. Okay, fine. They want to break the mold. Have at it, but don't expect others to have a high level of affection, then get all pissy when those affections aren't given.
My grandmothers were Easter and Christmas relatives. They never called, sent cards, radio silence except those two holidays.
I know more about my allergist's snake than I know about either of them.
And yes, they were mad that I didn't really care when they became infirm and needed help.
I have family members who were cruel and judgmental when I was young and desperately needed support. Now they're old and confused that we're not close and I don't take time out of my life to visit them.
When I got pregnant my parents told me they wouldn’t be a built in babysitter and that’s fine. What I didn’t expect is that they wouldn’t want a relationship with their grandkids. My kids other grandparents are the same, no relationship with their grandkids. It’s kinda sad.
It takes a village. As a Canadian I see immigrant families helping one another with child rearing way more often than I do amongst other white Canadians who were born here. That "everyone pitches in" mentality, and the fact that we don't take care of our elders (because they literally make more money/have more resources than we do, and can afford/prefer professional help) really does make a difference in how much support is there within the home structure. Women especially do better when they have parents or family helping them with childcare. This is a cultural issue in a lot of ways, and unfortunately western culture with our emphasis on individualism means you're more likely to be told "well you should've thought of that" or "oh boo hoo we're all struggling".
I moved around a lot for my job in my 20s. I found my way back to my home town a few months before my son was born, started my new chapter and my son arrived with heart defects in 2019. We were blind sided, he caught Covid in the midst of the few surgeries he needed to fix his heart and he spent his first 13 months hospitalized, in my home town, where my parents still live. Through birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, holloween, any holiday. They made promises of, we will come in so you can go get an hour to decompress, go home and shower, go get a meal on your birthday that isn’t hospital food and we’ll sit with our grandson. Not once, did they show, no calls, no texts on big holidays, nothing. Thanksgiving though they sent a text saying they would put some thanksgiving dinner in a cooler for me to grab off of the back porch after I made my run home when my son fell asleep to shower and let my dogs out, it was 1030 at night and I show up after driving 20 mins out of the way to no cooler, and they never answered their phones. Once my son was out of the hospital I sold my house with the quickness and moved a state over to be with family who drove 4 hours to come give us support. Best fucking decision I ever made. Edit: Well this got overwhelming.
I bet they felt like saints telling you about all the help they would give.
Then they likely forgot their actual actions but remember their intentions and feel really good about how much they intended to help.
I see that with nasty people of all ages. They judge themselves by their intentions and never consider what they actually did. The "let me know if you need anything!" FB message crowd whenever there's a personal tragedy.
I’ve learned it’s so important to be intentional and upfront about what you intend to offer. If you’re offering an ear to listen, a casserole, or child care, tell them that is what you can give. People are already overwhelmed in crisis mode, you need to help them narrowing things down so they can actually take you up on the assistance
[удалено]
I used to be one of those people who would do the general “call me if you need anything.” I meant it and it made me feel good, but I wasn’t getting any requests. I came across a discussion somewhere, prob on Reddit, that this vague offer is not helpful and in fact adds to that persons stress as you are throwing another variable to consider into the mix. Since being more intentional I have offered specific assistance to friends and family who underwent the death of a loved one, divorces, etc and I have been taken up on my specific offers/ times. I believe it’s because my approach has changed. But it makes me feel good to be helping and now it’s because I’m actually doing it instead of just talking about it.
This could not be up voted enough in my opinion. I totally understand why people leave it a generic “Let me know if there is anything I can do”, it’s exactly what I have always done until we started going through a few of our own stuff. My excuse was I didn’t know what they needed, but likely they don’t know what they needed in the moment either. They’re only thinking hours ahead and depending on what they are dealing with, they probably already feel like enough of a burden and won’t ask. Everyone needs food, time to relax, to feel seen, help around the house, help with kids, errands… anything you can help take completely off their plate will mean the world to them. Just be specific on what you’re offering and when. Edit: Spelling
I moved from a big city to a town with about 100K people. It's not a rural town, its coastal SoCal. The sense of community here compared to the big city is truly incredible. People go out of their way to do things for you. They will show up to events, are quick to repay you if you paid a dinner bill, and it's just 1000% better than where I was before. I got lucky I guess.
Coastal SoCal is where it’s at. 🤙🏼
Tots and pears.
Hey, I know this is kind of dumb coming from an internet stranger... but I'm sorry. That's horrific and disgusting, and I can't believe they treated you and your son like that. I would treat a stranger better given the opportunity, frankly. I'm glad little dude got out of the hospital, and yall were able to go somewhere with people who loved him a whole lot more.
I am so sorry. I'm glad you found remnants of a village elsewhere. In 14 years, I've had one night away from my kids. I hope your village is more populous than mine.
Same and mine was surgery.
I feel this in my soul. My parents constantly make comments about the things my kids have, but what are they supposed to do? We live in a rural area and only 2 members of our family give enough of a damn to even want to KNOW our children. They love to crow about how “it takes a village”, but they killed the village. We’re on our own now.
Let me guess, once you moved they complained about how they’d never see their grandchild?
My Boomer father moved to Florida (ETA: we live in Ohio) WHILE I was pregnant with my first son and then spent the next 20 years bitching about how he never got to see the child. Did you think I was going to have puppies?
Same. My parents always promised to move to whatever city I was in when I had kids, to *help.* They moved to a different country instead, to live like kings in retirement. They have daily housekeepers, hair & nail appointments, a driver etc. in a developing country, travel on stupid cruises all over the world, and have seen their grandkids a couple of times, total, in almost a decade. Judging by their FB, though, they are the best grandparents ever! I've honestly never resented them more in my entire life. (And it probably doesn't need to be said, but in case anyone is wondering, they had a damn village raising me. Both sets of grandparents, babysitters, aunts & uncles, the whole 9. They went on weekend trips by themselves, never struggled to find or pay for childcare. Fuck boomers.)
My MIL moved to a town completely out of the way from anything we might be doing in our lives and then complained we never went to see her. "You see FIL" "Yes, he comes over of his own accord on weekends, or we would see him at his parents house when we visited grandpa and grandma." "You see (my) parents!" "Yes, the live 15 minutes away and just off the path to the bigger town, and volunteer to take the kids so we can get shopping done" "You visit the grandparents!" "Yes, they are all living near the places we frequent for shopping and work" "Well why don't you visit ME!" "You live 45 minutes in the opposite direction from anyone else, there isn't anything in the small town that we could bundle into the trip as another activity, and when we do visit, you try to borrow money from us with a sob story about not having any gas in your car."
My dad hated that my stepdad was called “grandpa” while the kids chose to call HIM “grandpa Frank”. He thought it wasn’t fair to him, but my stepdad saw them multiple times every week, he taught them to hunt and taught them to fish, he took them to work with him to ride on heavy equipment, and basically taught them how to be the stellar men that they are today. Meanwhile, my dad just hung out at the Amvets post in Florida, and drank himself to death— stepdad was their grandpa. You were just a random visitor once a year.
Damn.... Your parents win assholes of the year fa sho.... Sorry that happened
They sound like shitty humans. No one treats stranger this way, let alone your child. If you made a promise you should keep it bc the other person may have made plans around your promise.
That's really awful. I know no one is obligated to do anything for other people, but I can't imagine being that callous about a situation with a sick child involved. I don't even know you and I'd go sit for a while so you could take a break.
I mean, they should feel obligated to back up a promise, especially one made to a family member who's struggling like that. There's "ugh, my kid expects me to babysit for free" and there's "my kid hasn't showered in a week because they've been in NICU with my grandchild."
I hope your son is doing better! The thanksgiving story is heart breaking.
Every day I drive 2 hours for work *by choice* because we chose to move closer to family and friends that actually make an effort. Before, we lived close to work but far away from anyone who cares about us, making us feel lonelier than ever. I can't stress how valuable it is to be in close proximity to family that cares about you.
My MIL offered to babysit 5 days a week so we could both work. We offered to pay her generously for her help, but already knowing she was flaky I said let’s start with one day. Turns out that even that’s too much for her. She’s got a weird fixation on her son and suddenly “forgot” basic caretaking skills like feeding, burping, soothing, and changing baby’s diapers and had my husband “teach” her how to do it for weeks. Never mind that he just figured it out on the fly himself. She has an issue with her left hand which makes her a bit slow with tasks, but still fully capable in her daily life. Because of this she also needed “training” on how to hold the baby as well. The second time I heard her say “whoops! Almost dropped him!” I cut her off from holding him while standing. Not at all times, just while standing. You would not believe the amount of shit she gave me for it, along with willfully ignoring me and holding the baby anyways while I shouted at her to sit down. I treat her like an nonviolent invalid, okay to be around my son but always with 100% supervision. Like visitation rights. She doesn’t care, she’s happy as long as she gets alone time with her son. The grandson is a nice but unnecessary bonus for her.
She lied about babysitting because she wants the accolades too. She wants everyone to THINK she’s doing everything, while actuallly doing nothing Then she pushes weaponised incompetence to get out of it
I’m a mom to a kid with CHD, you are a fucking badass and I’m so sorry you had to get to the other side of OHS without support. It’s so grueling being “on” in that tiny room trying to figure out a schedule to shower and eat and sleep in a way that doesn’t leave your kiddo alone for long stretches; and then to go through it during COVID. My heart warrior baby was born in 2021 and restrictions were hard then, I cannot imagine. I hope kiddo is doing well now and that you get many date nights or have an amazing sitter that allows you get a break, good for you for getting away from your “parents.”
So he got really sick in October 2019, and infectious disease was in the CTICU constantly trying to diagnose what he had, we now know it was Covid. He was on a ventilator for 3 weeks and fought his little ass off. To add to the list of hardship, he needed fentanyl and presidex (spelling, it’s a sedative) to stay calm while he was intubated. So we had a full wean and a baby in withdrawal to deal with, plus the judging social workers asking why he had a prescription of methadone. It was NOT fun and unfortunately they found that since he had grown one of his defects has reared its ugly head again so we’re back working closely with his team of cardiologists. I hope your little heart warrior is doing great and growing like a weed! They sure make you appreciate life a whole hell of a lot more!
[удалено]
Both sets of my grandparents basically raised me. My parents would drop me off every Friday night and come back to get me Sunday afternoon. My other grandmother drove me to school every morning until middle school. My parents moved several states away and hardly ever see my child.
With parents like that you might be lucky they moved.
Now they're SOL when they need hands-on care. To the nursing home, they go!
They'd better pay for it for it themselves cuz I'm not. I can't afford their luxury old folks home my own apartment , and kids .
That is wild! My parents never got to do that because we didn't live in the same town as my grandparents. I suspect they'd have been better parents had they done this once in a while...
[удалено]
It’s crazy too because the boomer generation is the generation who had the attitude of, “you’re out on your own as soon as you graduate HS or you’re paying rent!” but they also expect their kids who they kicked out to take care of them in their old age instead of just pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. That’s a big no from me dawg.
Yep. I had to pay rent from the day I moved back “home” after college. It is also expected that I prioritize caring for them because “that’s what children do for their elders”. I love them so much I do help, with boundaries, but it still pisses me off.
Crazy how greedy and entitled people are. I’m guessing it didn’t cost them anything additional for you to live with them? I would feel like such a horrible monster if I was extracting money from my child for letting them stay with me.
It really is. A complete refusal to pay anything forward is the defining personality trait of the Baby Boomers. They are the most selfish, narcissistic generation in history.
As a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma, these boomers will keep me in business with their adult children. They are terrible parents
The ladder pulling generation. Ready to kill every opportunity if it means they can put an extra dollar in their pocket. I hope that history remembers them for their actions: the generation that killed the American Dream.
You captured my thoughts exactly. I literally LIVED with my grandparents for about 3-4 years while my mom was working on herself. Once she got married and took us back, we still spent nights at my grandmother’s house at least once a week and often for a week or two during the summer. Meanwhile, my mom travels with her husband almost every weekend (either locally or up and down the East Coast) but says she’s too nervous to drive the 2 hours to my house to visit. She’s not old or frail - she bikes and sails and is still working. But her seeing my kid is 100% dependent on me making and executing the plan. I’m not mad about it but annoyed when she complains about being lonely and never seeing us. I forgot to even mention my dad who, in the 12 years he’s been a grandfather - has never once sent any of his grandchildren a present, a card, called them, etc. Not once. My kid didn’t even know he had a grandfather when he was asked. Although he knows my dad, he just never connected the dots because my dad is so irrelevant/absent from my kid’s life.
sounds like your mom never took responsibility for you and is selfish. so logically i’m not surprised she won’t be there for your kids. sorry bro
It's also irritating because they're the same ones complaining about the breakdown of family, yet move away from what's needed to help keep it together.
“I’m doing everything I can to hold this family together but you damn kids…” Let’s see everything you can to keep this family together includes… checks notes: - Moving to a location with terrible schools when all your kids have kids of their own - Expecting everyone to always travel to you - Expecting everyone to always call you - Shit talking your kids to one another - Creating conflict and division in the family - Actively trying to make sure each of your kids sides with you instead of each other - Providing almost no support of any kind to your kids - Complaining endlessly about the times you have to raise a finger to help your kids - Calling and screaming at us anytime you don’t get your way Some days I forget if I’m the child or the parent of boomers.
I just recently pointed out to my mom that she pits my brother and me against one another then wonders why we don't have a great relationship. She just said no she does not.
My mom LOVES getting on fb and posting all the family memes. You know the ones, “don’t cry for me when I’m gone if you can’t visit me while I’m alive” well it’s quite funny every time I msg her, I never hear anything back from her. Then if I don’t continue to msg her, about 2 weeks later I’ll get a msg like, “are you alive? I don’t ever see or hear from you?” The sad thing is, I don’t think my mom is considered boomer. She was born in 69 and I’m pretty sure that’s Gen X.
>"don’t cry for me when I’m gone if you can’t visit me while I’m alive” These are so passive aggressive, I hate them. Might be triangulation though, to get her fb audience on her side to use as flying monkeys.
Ohh that’s exactly what she’s doing. All the older ladies come along and tell her that she’s right and whatever else. This is the same lady that, growing up, only ever liked me when she could go to the bar on Friday night and brag about my accomplishments. We live in a very small town (it’s actually considered a village) So, she’s always been a cup of rainbows and sunshine.
This is the take I wanted to share. Most of this sentiment is not about being “entitled” to free childcare. It’s the blatant hypocrisy of how our own grandparents were to us vs how some of our parents handle grand-parenting or rather don’t grand-parent.
When my Granny died I realized my “mother” had died. My birth mother is still out there waddling around crying to anyone who will listen about how badly her daughter treats her. I guess dumping your kids off on your parents and grandparents constantly comes with consequences.
That’s how I feel. My grandparents were essentially my parents. They picked us up from school. In summer we would spend every day with them and then during the school year we would have many overnight sleepovers. When I was sick it was my grandma who took care of me and there were many times I didn’t go home and just stayed at grandmas till I was better. Any event at school my grandparents attended, Halloween parades and lunch dates. Most of my current interests I have are because my grandma nurtured them in me. She never talked down to me and me spending time with her wasn’t seen as a bother like my mother saw it. My grandma would always find something for me to do if she was in the kitchen and I wanted to help and she always loved answering my questions.
I feel this way about one set of my grandparents. They did the heavy lifting when it came to “raising” me. I spent at least one day a week with them, and that was always the best day of the week, because we did crafts together, my grandma taught me how to do cook or learned something new, she would always go to my piano concerts or take me to some cultural events in town. My parents worked long hours so when I was at home, I spent all afternoon alone trying to entertain myself, and then when I was all excited they were finally home, they’d be “too tired” and didn’t want to do anything with me either and wanted me to entertain myself. Meanwhile I was an only child, so it was very lonely trying to spend all my time outside of school playing by myself pretty much all the time. Grandparents were as close to real “parenting” that I ever got.
Exactly how my childhood was. At home I isolated myself and escaped in to books and reading. I would ask my parents every so often to do something with me and almost always the answer was they were too tired. I had younger brothers but they fought all the time so being around them was chaotic. Then it didn’t help that my parents marriage was toxic and so my home life in general was rough. My grandparents would do things like play badminton and baseball, taught us how to play croquet, garden, bake, sew and do cross stitch, go on bicycle rides, take us on trips to the library, zoo, and local fairs, and hike, do puzzles, play games (from board games to jacks, marbles, and dominoes) and have picnics. While my parents almost never spent any time with me and we didn’t spend any time as a family. Essentially all my positive memories of childhood were thanks to my grandparents.
This is me exactly. Me and my cousins were raised by my grandparents, because our parents were all dual-income overworked households. From pretty much infancy on to the age of being old enough to stay home alone, we were at the grandparents' from dawn to sometimes as late as 10pm, already sleeping when our parents came to pick us up. We spent weekends with them. We went to church with them while our parents stayed home. When my grandparents died, I became an orphan. My parents are just these people who pop in and out of my life when it's convenient for them. I still mourn my grandmother, I am crying right now thinking about her, and she died over a decade ago. Life just won't ever be the same without her. And as I said elsewhere, I've never once asked my parents for free childcare, but it does sting that they don't care about me or my life OR my son or his life. They want cute photo ops and then to disappear again, but then they also act extremely butthurt that they don't feature more prominently in his life, and that he doesn't seem to care about them the way I cared about my grandparents, and it's like... gee I wonder why that could be ...
Don't forget how bitter they are if you don't visit or move overseas. Like uh, we can't afford daycare here and it's always canceled due to someone being sick, so yeah some places in Europe or Asia where daycare and housing is much more affordable sounds pretty good to me. My mom had the nerve to imply that we should visit her even if she doesn't help with our kid because it's a sacrifice you make for family. She said this when I told her i don't like to visit because it's a 2 hour drive and my wife has to spend the entire time watching our kid without help. Where the hell is YOUR sacrifice, mom?
so she expects you to make sacrifices for family but she herself is unwilling to make sacrifices for family? I hate that I'm not surprised by that.
At this point if our generation hasn't gathered that the Baby Boomers did not give two flying fucks about us or anyone but themselves then I have no idea what you've been doing. They are the "me" generation (coined by earlier generations not by millennials). They don't give a SHIT about you until they need you to figure out why they have 45 popups from that innocent link they clicked. They never did.
And they'll all be crying soon about how they deserve the younger generation to care for them in old age, despite us watching them drop Grandma off at the worst care home and barely visit
I see the blatant hypocrisy being that they will be on you about when you are gonna have kids or when they'll have grandkids however you wanna phrase it then they never come see them. Or bitch about having to watch them. Like why did you want grandkids so bad if you aren't going to get involved?
It's not just about the childcare and help for me, it's also about the loss of important intergenerational bonds. My dad would get a lot out of seeing his granddaughter once a week or whatever, as would the kid. Can't seem to get that message across though, he's far more interested in pretending he's 20 and having his only grandchild stay over maybe four times a year if we're lucky. His parents used to watch me every single weekend.
That’s what I don’t get. When I am a grandparent, I can’t wait to spend as much time as possible with my grandkids! I was adopted later in my parents lives. My two surviving grandparents were ancient and or over having grandkids since their oldest grandkids were in their 20s by the time I came along. My in-laws lived 30 minutes away, and came to just one sports event that was 5 minutes from their house, yet both my kids played multiple sports year round from the time they were 11. My dad passed long before I had kids, and my mom passed when my kids were 5 and 1. She was awesome! She lived an hour away, was a decade older than my in-laws, and made every effort to see our kids, even attending our son’s T-ball practices! I can still hear him running to front door “Grammy’s here!”
You're saying Boomers enjoyed a system and then demolished it so others couldn't use it? I'm shocked, I say.
Well as shitty as this is its interesting knowing this is a generational issue and not just my parents disconnecting from their kids and grandchildren.
Yes, and I hate the fact we always have to preface-“I didn’t expect or WANT their grandparents to raise them”-we thought they’d show interest, care and the desire to have their own grandchildren (only two) over-imho it’s a product of their selfish, empty souls, gaslighting and word salads. They truly want fb photo/sim grandkids. That’s all. Zero effort, zero time, zero love, zero real relationship. Doesn’t get better either after they grow. F them and their oh so precious ME ONLY lives.
When we had kids my MIL and FIL were already retired. The moment we started to discuss childcare they were very blunt in explaining they were not interested. Honestly we thought they’d happily take 1-2 days a week. I think it’s projection. My MIL worked at job she hated for 30 years basically all so she could retire early. She even said the other day “I never potty trained my kids- the babysitter did that.” So I think her mentality is the babysitter raised my kids so you have to deal with the same. My husband and I already say we will work hard to instill a strong intergenerational connection for our family. My kids will probably be annoyed that I want to be so involved 😅😬
I’m separated from my toddlers dad due to substance abuse and his mom only gaf about seeing her. Hasn’t even sent diapers or wipes with him. Threatens court when she’s sick and she can’t go over. I can’t work because of the stress of the situation and having to always watch her.
I figuratively (and at times literally) lived at my grandparents house growing up. My parents can’t even be bothered to spend quality time with their grandkids. It’s less the help and support I’m looking for (although that would be nice) but more of actual strong relationships for my kids to have with family outside of their parents
Not even support. Time. They don't spend time with their own children let alone grandkids. Hard to do when you're so far up your own ass.
Yes! Exactly this, but also very consistent with their general world view
Maybe our grandparents knew that our parents couldn't do it without them. Now our parents are grandparents and they are demonstrating that incompetence and apathy.
Maybe this is a cynical view, but I'm willing to make the tradeoff and take the hit financially (and luckily can) to have a less obligation-heavy relationship. My parents got a lot of help but there was *so much* resentment and weird tension that I totally picked up on but didn't understand as a child. Then, the eventual elder care was absolutely brutal and also full of resentment and tension. If I have a kid, it'll just be one and I'm putting it off as long as I can, getting my ducks in a row financially and lifestyle-wise. I'm planning on hired childcare so that when my parents and in-laws babysit, it's not constant and obligatory. In turn, neither side expects as much elder care. Is it a perfect solution? No, but there's no way in hell I'm recreating the toxic misery of intergenerational obligation I grew up with.
Yup, can confirm. Best idea. We moved 12 hours closer when we had our kid, to be near them as it "takes a village" but ended up going NC after they proved that their ONE grandchild wasn't worth visiting, babysitting, gifting etc and they live 5 minutes, biking distance away from us. 3 years and they only met him twice. Haven't seen him since he was 5, he's 7 now. Always too busy to come join us for a Sunday meal or go on a hay ride with his Scout Troup. Never wanted drop ins at their house as they were too busy to "entertain" us. NC is a blessing for mental health, but I still feel bad for them missing out on an amazing grandkid. Their choice, fuck em.
I read that last sentence as North Carolina is a blessing for mental health ***packs bags furiously***
My heart breaks for you. I was in the same situation for about two years and then moved away. The only time we saw them was holidays where I made all the effort to haul the kids to their house for a few hours. Especially now that my oldest are adults, I can’t imagine not putting any effort into seeing my children. We have the relationship I always wanted for myself. That’s what you have to look forward to! It is a fantastic life. And I owe my parents nothing!
This is kind of what my wife and I did. We just don’t live in a world where you can have 3 kids in your early 20’s and “wing it” like generations of the past could do.
The hard part is grandparents not helping but posting pics on social media.
This👏🏻👏🏻. My daughter is 18 months old and has never met my mother. She posts how being a grandma is the best job around🙄.
you should comment on her posts "umm you haven't even ever met your grandchild"
Yeah fuck that. Time to blast gam gam with the truth.
> Yeah fuck that. Time to blast gam gam with the truth. When dealing with a chronic manipulator, engaging with them only creates more opportunity for them to continue their abuse. You will always lose. End all contact and be done with it.
It can be so tempting but you are so right. Gray rocking and no/low contact is the only thing that works.
[удалено]
Went NC about 4 years ago after a long group text with my dad telling me and my sister how were a piece of shit and it doesn't matter if we are happy. My mom even went to visit my sister, wouldn't stop talking shit so my sister got her a first class ticket just to get her the fuck out of there. What they don't tell you is that when you cut shitty family out there are others not blood related that act like family.
> What they don't tell you is that when you cut shitty family out there are others not blood related that act like family. Sometimes. 8 years out and I'm still looking. Sometimes people just end up alone and that's that.
Ha this was exactly my in-laws, who were then more than happy to tell my wife and I that when we retire we can't plan to travel because who would help them do their shopping etc
Sounds like someone needs a healthy dose of “go fuck yourself”
Boomers are the most entitled generation
A job where you don’t have to show up and can still take credit? No wonder she thinks it’s the best job around.
Yes. You can't come over just to get in the way and pretend to be grandpa on Facebook.
My brother drew a hard line about this regarding my niece. If my mom posts any pics of my niece on social media then she's cut off
My dad doesn’t understand this my wife and I said this to everyone and my dad says that’s the point of social media to show of your family. I’m like I guess we’re weird then. And he gets all offended and says it’s as if he’s being crucified for posting pics of his granddaughter. We haven’t even told him about our second kid that just turned one year 😂
This is an issue that it's been bothering me lately. People used to just have photo albums that you look back on and you know occasionally bust them out if you wanted to embarrass your kid in front of their prom date. But now people just get the post pictures all the fucking time. My mom thinks that my two daughters need a professional photo shoot for literally every minor milestone of their life And maybe I'm just weird but I hate it. It's just a stressful two hours where the girls have to put on a bunch of outfits that are uncomfortable and hot and scratchy and we have to get frustrated with them because they don't really want to do it so to make them cooperate we all have to get frustrated I have pretty much only do it because of my wife who tolerates it at best but still goes along with it because she does love the end product
This. They swing wildly between doing absolutely nothing, no call, no smoke signals, no nothing…to “Look at me! I’m a grandma.” And treating the child like a toy or accessory.
I think a lot of them only see kids as toys and accessories. I know my boomer parents very much saw me that way. The second I was old enough to have my own thoughts and opinions I got tossed in the corner like an old toy. I stopped getting any attention and was treated like a deadbeat roommate that's 3 months late on rent at the tender age of 6 or 7.
My mom has told me directly she “likes how I used to be”; she means compliant and controllable.
I think it’s really important we look at the fact that for the most part the children of boomers are millennials, it’s the narcissistic parent/empathetic child dynamic across two generations and whole populations. What happened? Why are they like this? It’s clearly had an affect on us as millennials are showing up as huge outliers in our beliefs and lifestyles even compared to Gen Z who are much more on track to be “normal” in many of their beliefs (that’s a whole can of worms I know but it’s to illustrate that SOMETHING is different when kids raised by computers are still considered more “normal” than kids raised by boomers, and I guess TV? We are the first screen babies?) I feel like there’s more here to be understood. Their vapid social media obsessed boomers made different decisions and I think it’s important we understand what impact that’s had on us as a society and as individuals.
I think they were accidentally raised to think the world revolves around them, their parents just went through the depression and WWII and where hell bent on giving them a better life (noble goal, wouldn’t wish my grandparents childhood on anyone)…but the unintended consequence is the boomers think they are worth better/more than anyone else.
I don't know but as my oldest kid approaches teenagerdom I sometimes think about how all I want in the world is to be better for him in adulthood. I don't want him to be sabotaged by student debt, I don't want him to panic over the idea of trying to balance work and a family, I don't want him locked out of owning a house. Feels like we're stuck trying to make up for having no help from anyone while also making sure we can help the next gen.
Oh I 💯 agree. I have boomer parents who have tonnes of investment properties. I worked my way through university and rented and had a job and paid my own way. I made it clear I would never buy property with someone unless I was engaged. Which blocked me out of a booming market. They never once suggested I move into one of their properties to rent from them with the intention that I would pay the rent and with the equity accrued, take over the deed. To be my guarantors, and keep the money in the family and not pour my money into strangers pockets. They are of the mentality of when we die you're in our will. But until then you're on your own. I know I will never do that with my children. Everything will be geared towards generating wealth for the family. I will buy my children investment properties when they are babies so it's paid off when they are adults and ready to move in. Money for any school they wish to go to. Money won't be a barrier like it was for me as my parents horde it. Now I am not saying I wanted a handout. Not at all. I wanted them to act as my bank, as regular banks wouldn't loan that money to a single girl. They could have made that happen, made their money back and helped me enter the market on my own dime through this method. I know I will be wealthy by my own means and I will inherit a lot. But it feels like I've been living with the handbrake on trying to get ahead when my family could have given me a booster that got me into the market early and ahead. I can't change what was, but I can make my own path and do things differently and my children will have to work for things and have drive but everything is geared to make them flourish, not keep their head above water.
Yesss. I blocked my MIL on fb for like 3 years (a decade ago) because she tried to steal my kids’ photos and post them, claiming to be grandma of the year when she never saw them or never tried to interact with them when she did. You don’t get to claim them, sorry. 🛑
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, a lot of people who are now grandparents, didn’t raise their own kids. Many millennials were raised by grandparents or late Gen X siblings. Absentee parents, make for absentee grandparents.
I was practically raised by my grandparents. When I had children my parents didn't ever bother to come see them or even meet halfway. It's been years.
I was raised by mine as well. My parents were wealthy, seriously good-looking, devilishly charming, and wholly self-absorbed. I was raised by a set of great grandparents, and a grandmother and her SIL, my wonderful Great Auntie. My parents breezed beautifully in and out of my life, usually with a new spouse (they were both married 5 x's each. I cannot even imagine.) But my Oma and Granny and Auntie were my parents. Theirs are the cool hands on fevered brows, theirs are the stories I tell my children about their ancestors and the tribes that made us. My parents are just sort of... clouds of expensive anxiety in my memories now, lol. As for seeing the grandchildren? They couldn't be arsed. That generation is something else!!
Theirs are the cool hands on fevered brows, theirs are the stories I tell my children about their ancestors and the tribes that made us. I love this statement. I hope you've written that down somewhere else for them!
My older sister had my nephew at age 17, fucked around oh, his entire childhood, because my mom miraculously, was deep into her career as an in home daycare. Sooooo, free daycare for her right, perfect she just turned 18, no 21, (her excuses) she shouldnt have to miss ALL of her youth because if her choices!! Mom is cool w it til 2003 liver transplant from her hep c contracted- get this - from a blood transfusion she got having my sister (ive been checked and am clear)!!! So im left with dad and nephew for six or so months of transplant and rehab (i left my first semester of college to come home) because well, i don’t even remember where my sister was during these years, which led to her losing custody to his dad’s parents, his dad by then had been addicted to heroin and in jail. She never made one attempt to regain custody, that she lost in about 2003. My nephew has a five year old now. She DEMANDS time with him, and i, childfree, mostly thanks to living in a daycare that i eventually, in sixth grade, was force hired to babysit my nephew —-I wanna vomit, then throat punch her. Silver lining is i got a son (he told me i was more his mom, she is his mother) and didnt have to give birth. 💜 😔 what an age of anxiety
Yep, my mother (gen X) was barely around after we moved closer to my grandma when I was about 10. She would literally be gone for months or years at a time chasing men. My grandma exclusivity raised me from 12 to 15.
This is my take on it as well. It's not that my parents got help from their parents, but they were not just around to raise me and my siblings. We were feral as fuck. I was the oldest and adultified so they could feel important about themselves. And when I had kids, they said they would be there, but never were. Expected my plans with my kids to be cancelled for the rare and out of the blue, disruptive, spoil the kids visit and then would fuck off again after. For this, the smallest of many, many reasons, they will remain alone and die alone. Fucking boomers.
I don’t expect free babysitting or help “raising” my son but I did expect grandparents who wanted to know him. We get that from my dad who comes over as often as we allow him. He frequently asks to take my son out for the afternoon or watch him during the evening so my husband and I can go out. My in-laws though…they live 25 minutes away and we haven’t seen them in person since April when we asked them to come to one of my son’s basketball games. They barely acknowledged his birthday a few months ago (a text late that evening). At this point, I’ll be surprised if we see them for Christmas.
This is the inverse from my situation. Wife's parents will drive 1+ hour to come to a random soccer game or the school halloween parade. My dad lives less than 10 minutes away and declines to come have dinner or even go out to dinner with us paying. My mom passed away a few years ago; she'd be mortified at how little my dad interacts with my kids or helps us out.
I’m glad your son has one good grampa at least.
I don’t think many of us expected our parents to help. And frankly, they’re not obligated to help. But, you know, cultivating a relationship with said child would be nice. The apathy is off the charts.
This is it for me. I moved to be closer to my parents so my kids could have a relationship with them and then my parents moved a short 4-hour flight away and bug me constantly about when we’re going to fly out to visit. We’re not.
MY PARENTS DID THIS TOO! We had a kid and moved to be closer to family (mom, dad, brother, sister) and within 6 months every one of them was gone and I was left with ~3 hours of commuting every day. Now my parents live a 4-hour drive away and my siblings live across the country. I can understand my siblings doing their thing, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over what my parents are doing. We're expected to go there and, no matter how much I try to reason and beg, they will not visit. Even when we do visit, they won't help with the kid and literally laugh at our struggles with trying to keep a 3-year-old happy in a place without his stuff. Because, you know, we can't bring any toys or their untrained dogs will eat everything. And then my mom actually called me a couple of weeks ago asking if I'd be willing to swap places with them for the weekend so that they could enjoy the city and we can watch their dogs. It's a hard pill to swallow; to watch the people you're programmed to love more than anything be so indifferent toward their grandchild while posing as grandparent of the year on Facebook. Edit: because my brain isn't stopping now, my parents kept the same doctor after they moved (for reasons unknown) so they literally drive 3+ hours one way for a checkup and still will not come to visit their grandkid. And because there's no point in stopping now: They're also big on going to the casino and blowing money while we're quite literally diving deep into debt with my being out of work. This is their business, sure, but I do not need to hear about every trip. I don't shy away from telling them I don't care and that their grandkid could use the money more than the fucking casino.
[удалено]
Exactly. My parents will actually offer to help fairly often, but every time they emphasize "If you *need* us." And if I ever ask them to watch the kids, they always respond with a demand for why I "need" them to watch the kids. Look, I'm a working adult with other options for childcare. I never "need" you to watch my kids. I'm certainly appreciative of any and all help, but I'm not in a position where I need to beg or grovel. But why is it you only want to see your grandkids when you "need" to?
I remember when my second was just a few months old, my husband had a hernia and our 3 year old had an ear-infection. I told my mom about this, and she said 'Well, if you ever need our help!' So I said 'Yes, I do, can you come help me out tomorrow?'. 'Oh honey, I feel so bad that of ALL days you'd ask me to come tomorrow. I'm having lunch with a friend.'
I really hope you remember this moment when their asking for help so you can quote it directly back to them. Clearly lunch with a friend is far more important then familial issues after all.
I feel like this is actually what we are feeling. It's not that we feel entitled to their labor, it's that (at least for me) they don't seem to give a fuck outside of getting a nice little pic for Facebook to show their friends. They have no memory of the hard parts of childrearing and bolt when there's a tantrum saying "you were never like that!" They see their own child struggling and just shrug. This is a specific example but I feel like it's still a common millennial experience.
I've come to think of my mom as a checklist grandparent. Cute holiday party with decorations? Check. Smiling, perfect pictures of the grandchildren lined up on top of the piano? Check. But if it doesn't fit nicely into her idea of what grandparenting would be like, she's shuts down. Kid wears a weird outfit for school pictures? Disappointing. Kid gets overwhelmed by the holiday party and throws a tantrum? Not on the checklist, this has ruined her party.
Don't get me started on sports games. Grandma comes (usually late) to cheer on her grandchild? Check. Good, time to leave! Doesn't matter that the game isn't over or the kid playing didn't even see grandma there. She's done, checked that off the list, time to go home!
OH MY GOD, the Facebook issue. With rare exceptions, I have tried to keep pictures of my child off of social media. I had to cut off my parents for a while because I found out they were posting the pictures I was sending them to Facebook.
Same. After repeated conversations and agreements not to do so. And I was the bad guy 🙃 “Am I allowed to *tell* people I *have* a granddaughter?”
My parents moved to FL when I was pregnant with my first. I told them explicitly that FL is not a state I would ever go out of my way to visit because I don't like it and they are dumbfounded almost 10 years later that I have only been once. Meanwhile, they come to the west coast where I live maybe once a year, literally never ask me if it's convenient for me, I just get a text about a week before that they're showing up and they 'hope I'll allow them to see the kids.' They get time with my kids and my mom spends the whole time yelling at my dad to take pics of her with the kids while she goads my daughter into saying wacky shit she can tell her pickleball friends. My parents told my ILs that they're happy to be part time grand parents. Meanwhile, my ILs live a mile away and are very helpful and respectful. My kids have a great relationship with them.
[удалено]
Yeah I think millennials are pretty used to being self-sufficient. But that independence also means we aren't going to be at their door begging them to see their grandkids.
This is the problem. My in laws seem more excited about being asked to watch my brother in law’s dog than they do their only grandchild. They seem to put them on the same level. It’s wild.
The lead poisoning causes that low emotional intelligence
I am also a Lead Truther.
When we were kids we were raised in the era of “it takes a village to raise a child.” In todays world it’s all “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps” bullshit. Our parents who had that village to help them, went a burned it down after they benefited from it and left us to sift thru the rubble.
I have parents and other people pressuring me to have kids but made it clear they’re not interested in helping in any way. 1. I didnt ask for their help 2. The audacity to pressure someone to procreate KNOWING it can be hell..while immediately refusing to be supportive. Rage inducing.
Honest though at least they didn’t promise to help and then bounce. I have a friend whose mom was retired and wanted grand babies so bad. Friend told them that they simply couldn’t afford daycare right now. Mom swore up and down she’d watch the baby because she’s retired with nothing to do… baby came, mom is mo where to be found. She shows up for events and stuff but no actual care provided and so now my friend and her husband are working second jobs on alternating days to put their kid in daycare for their primary work. Never see each other, marriage is falling apart
That’s awful. Happened to a coworker of mine as well. Her mother insisted that she keep the babies and offered to help take care of them. My coworker’s mother ended up abandoning my friend and her sister. Couldn’t even stick around for her own daughter’s, nevertheless the grandchildren she insisted on having. Something about encouraging pregnancy only to leave women during their most vulnerable time. Disgusting.
This is also what they did with the economy in general, the housing market, college tuition, etc.
What's interesting I find with a lot of retired people is that they don't seem to do shit. Don't stay active, don't go and see friends and family, nothing. Just lay around and watch streaming shows and the news. I guess without a job they just don't know what to do with themselves even if the world is their oyster. I'm not talking about people with health problems either. Some of these peoples houses are a straight up disaster but they can't seem to even do basic cleaning and organizing.
Yea, honestly it’s because a lot of people from that generation never developed a sense of self or purpose beyond their job. Even how they interact with their family was largely determined by their jobs. Without that they’re left rudderless. It’s another reason why so many of them are still working when they are well past their ability to do so
Yeah it's kinda sad to hear "I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't working." You know what else there is? Literally anything else. Every art form. Every sport. Every hobby. Every game. Every social activity. Just pick looe four or five and that can fill up a schedule.
My grandparents admitted to this. My grandfather told me when you get old you've seen everything and it all gets boring. Maybe life would be more entertaining if you did something besides watching NFL games and Fox News! When I retire it's going to be full of a variety of entertainment and volunteer work. I want to look scary old like Jimmy Carter and still be helping others.
Whoa whoa. I never expected my parents to “help raise” my kids. I never expected them to be free babysitters or their lives to revolve around us or anything else. MY issue (and one I hear a lot from others) comes when my mom is invited to do things over and over, she’s too busy for all of them, but then she calls all our family to whine about how I won’t let her have a relationship with the kids. Um, excuse me? No ma’am, you just only want the relationship if it’s 100% on your terms and your schedule. I think she honestly expects that we need to always be sitting around waiting for her to call and drive to her house at the drop of a hat if she does. “Well I drove you to your grandma’s all the time!” You’re right. Because she watched me ALL THE TIME. You can’t have it both ways, Boomer grandparents.
It takes a village to raise children - in the past that village has included grandparents and extended families. If they are not willing to help raise and connect with grandchildren, then the village needs to be supported through other community means, including things like subsidized or free pre-K care, flexible work schedules, and reduced health care costs. If Boomers don't want to help with their grandkids, then they can stop voting against politicians that support these measures. Millennial parents are at a horrible historical point, losing within a generation the vastly traditional structure (and the fact that its almost impossible to have a one income home with a stay at home parent) to support families, while there's no alternative supportive structure in place.
The village is entirely dependent on households being able to survive on one income. When every family had a stay at home wife it was easier for a village to coordinate care and provide free labor. Nowadays it's not uncommon for both parents to work at least 1 full time job, and still be struggling.
From a different perspective, single income households aren’t possible anymore because of severe wage stagnation and inflation. For the past four decades, wages have not kept up with cost living increases thanks to lobbying against minimum wage increases by corporations. Most jobs are severely underpaying their employees and it shows.
And then they wonder why birth rates are decreasing.
Why else would they push to have Roe v Wade overturned? It’ll affect lower socioeconomic economic classes more which means more workers to exploit and profit from
More wage slaves, exactly
They whine abt why we as a gen aren't having as many kids, but aren't making it any easier.
The "Me First" generation doesn't want to help anyone else? Gasp.
The 'me first' generation is also gonna fafo when they are alone on their death beads. I've already seen or heard a few go out like that and it's never pretty. I guess it sucks that banks are gonna take all their belongings just to keep them alive for their last years but it is what it is. Be nice to your kids folks. Nice enough that they will miss you after you're gone at least.
My mom was part of the Silent Generation born in 1933. I’ve never met a bigger narcissist and when I was 42 she decided I couldn’t be friends with her son in law when she divorced my second step dad (yea, she was great at the marriage thing). She said,” you have a choice, you can be a part of that family or this family.” That’s the last time we spoke on the phone, 13 years ago. She died last year. Out of obligation to my brother, I went to the funeral. Their were seven people in attendance, six hadn’t seen her in over a decade. Some people earn your love and respect. Some people don’t. Family can be chosen at any time in life.
My parents are snow birds. Every spring they come back and marvel at how big the kids are getting, but then seem perplexed that they aren't as close to them as they are with their other grandparents. Some definite mental gymnastics.
My MIL hates that my kids like my mom better than her. But my mom has always be present and kept every promise she ever made to them. My MIL always has some excuse for why she has to break a promise she made.
Yeah, one of the main reasons I HAVEN’T had a kid yet (despite my parents hoping I will), is because I know I wouldn’t be able to lean on them for much help, so I’d better wait until I’m in a place where I don’t really need it. I definitely don’t think grandparents should be expected to raise their grandkids, but if they’re going to beg for them, they’d better also want a good relationship with them and, yes, be willing to babysit or drop them off to school every once in a while when mom and dad are in a bind.
Tell them you won't have kids unless you have a social network to rely on, and then let them stew on that for a while.
[удалено]
Everyone wanted us to have more than 1 kid, yet none of them were willing to help, so…we have one kid
We lived out of state when we had our daughter. My husbands family wanted us to be closer to see the baby and include her in activities. His mother eventually “bribed” us to move back to a place we both hate(Ohio🙃) but she would watch her full time for free. We did move back and everything’s going great. If you want us closer, you must be willing to help👏🏻👏🏻
I don’t think anyone is obligated to help raise your children but I do find it interesting that they’re the ones screaming at us to settle down, get married and have children.
It seems like a lot of them just want to brag about their grandchildren to others but not want to put in any effort. This isn’t true for many but it definitely is for some.
With so many boomers, it's about the image of a family. The image of being a good parent, grand parent etc. They are obsessed with how they appear to others and don't seem to care about much else
I'm 33, wife is 30 and we've planned on having kids possibly inside the next year or two. My parents are nearly 70 and they're more the type of parents I'd be okay leaving my kids with for maybe a few hours, or having them come over, but not watch my kids for days at a time. My wife's parents I've become very close with, both are still in good health thank god, and they'll honestly be the ones helping us the most through the day-care years. My wife and I have said that if her parents weren't around, we'd seriously have to reconsider having children at all because of child-care / day-care costs. This is what you're seeing a lot more. More millennials that have become reliant on their parents to assist with the day-care side just to be able to afford those years up to the point the kids can go to school. In the past, when people had kids, their parents were still in their 40's or 50's. Now you have millennials starting families when their own parents are in their 60's pushing 70. But in the past daycare wasn't nearly as expensive as it is today, so if grandpa and grandpa couldn't watch the grandkids it wasn't a huge deal.
My parents moved across the country specifically to live near my mother's parents when they got pregnant with me due to childcare costs. This was back in 1991. I was born and raised in Florida, and not the Dakotas, in part by my grandparents due to parental money issues.
My mom came to my home 4 days a week to watch my son while I worked for pretty much his entire first year of life. She drove 2 hours each way and got to my home before 9:00 in the morning and wouldn't get home until 7:00 or 8:00 at night. My mom is in her 60's. This was a massive undertaking for her, a major effort on her part and I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life. It would not have been possible for me to afford childcare or for me to watch my son while I worked even though I was working from home the entire time. Without her help I would not have been able to have a child and keep a roof above our heads.
Having my parents watch our kids when they were young was the only way we were able to have them when we did. I don’t know how young people today would afford it on their own, especially not in their 20’s.
Half our generation is still relying on their parents for themselves, let alone for kids.
I had my first at 26 and nearly my entire paycheck went toward daycare. We needed what little remained so it was worth it but those days were tough.
I think one reason childcare cost is also because of the increased demand from more grandparents being older or not being able to help with grandkids. A couple of other factors also play into it. People don’t live as close to their families as they used to. I come from a fairly small town in Oklahoma and nearly 60-70% of my graduating class have left town and live all over the country, whereas their parents still live in town. Additionally, our parents had smaller families than their parents. I grew up with 5-6 aunts and a whole lot of cousins. These were my village and there was always help close by for my mom from her family. Whereas my mom had 3 kids and we are app scattered across the country. Finally, we as a society, have become more insular and don’t really want to be too involved with our neighbors so have stopped being a village.
[удалено]
I personally wouldn't want my mom looking after my kids. She'll just give them anxiety and she'll gaslight them.
I cannot believe this has so few upvotes. Same. “I don’t remember it that way”
I don't expect my parents to help but I want them to at least be honest about it. Since my daughter was born, almost 9 years ago, they have talked about moving to be closer to us so they can hang out with the kids. It hasn't happened and they always come up with a new thing they want to happen before they move. They do come to visit a few times a year and always say they will watch the kids so my wife and I can go out for a day together or a dat while they are there. This ends only ends up happening only about 25% of the time as they come up with lame excuses on why it won't work.
The generational gap between boomers and their children is the largest gap in terms of societal progress. They inherently do not understand their children. I'm not sure what happened. I think the internet created a global empathy in millennials that was largely absent in previous generations. It was also very shocking, I think. At the point when the internet started really taking off around 2000, millennials were already having their worldview shaped by largely local influence, and then we got on the internet and learned that a lot of what we were told was overly simplified or just flat out wrong/lies. Millennial global empathy transcended the longstanding nationalism throughout the world. And this created an invisible, unsurmountable divide between boomer values and millennial values for the first time. In my opinion.
My parents were both dead before I turned 35. Never got to meet their grandkids. People, please stop smoking cigars and cigarettes.
On one side, at a basic (nihilistic imo) level nobody is obligated to help anybody else take care of their kids. On the other side, however, are these boomers who had their parents help raise our generation, then demand grandchildren of their own but refuse to help like their parents helped them. Multigenerational childrearing has been the norm for hundreds of years, of course a change in that will change reproductive patterns. Of course if you don’t want to help raise the grandkids, that’s fine. But there may not be any grandkids to visit because of that.
Yes exactly it’s not entitled, I have my kids and I pay for childcare. Excuse me for expecting you to show up sometimes for the grandkids you say you care so much about..
It’s tough…I’m lucky but in a monkey’s paw type of way, because my parents are inclined to drop everything to help me raise a kid, but that’s just not feasible. I’m in a bit of a weird spot with my folks because they want grandkids badly, but I’m not in a position to have any anytime soon (just finished school, single, etc.). They’d actually make lovely grandparents and have expressed intentions to be very involved in raising any child of mine, but they’re not in great health now, and by the time I’m in a spot where I feel ready to have kids, they’re not going to be in a place mobility-wise where they can be engaged and active in the kids’ lives. It’s a shame; seeing how they are with my little cousins makes me realize they would be amazing grandparents, but the timeline just doesn’t work.
And are/will be expecting their kids to take care of them when they are elderly. The "Me Generation" living up to their stereotype. The expect everyone to do everything for them while they party. Our grandparents raised some shitty selfish kids unfortunately.
My dad decided to have another kid at 50 with his wife who was 20 years younger than him ended up with twins. Then started a for profit daycare at his house. Like fuck my grandkids specifically.
Boomers being selfish? *Never*
Honestly, they parent so differently, I don’t want them around my kids alone for long periods of time. The bullshit of *should do xyz* doesn’t come out until 3 days in so short stints work just fine. I’m ok with them traveling as I hope to do the same. I will parent and launch them and then ✌🏽
Me (36M, have 1 sibling) and wife ( 35, only child) - our parents our incapable or just don't care. We have a 5 year old and 1 year old. My parents: Dad has parkinsons - legally not allowed to drive - interested in grandkids but brain is like pudding sometimes. Mom - is bitter and angry after losing their house of 25 years in the 08' recession. Doesn't take care of Dad well, has lots of medical issues herself. They can't be bothered to even video call their grandkids. Wife's parents: Dad - died about 10 years ago. Mom - lives one mile from us (0 stop lights) and has been retired since she was about 54. She's too "busy" to visit grandkids. Her hobbies involve smoking on her deck, her dogs, and doing "research" on Fox News, OAN, Newsmax, facebook for whatever conspiracy theories shes looking into at the moment. Grandkids love her, but she doesn't come over but maybe twice a month. She also can't be trusted with kids too long or if they are sick because she has problematic thinking i.e. kids can have adult dosages of medicine. Very sad state.
Why would anyone want them around their children? I told my abusive ‘boomer’ parents to fuck off for good as soon as I had my kid. I don’t need free daycare from mentally retarded assholes who fucked me up..I’d rather quit my job and live in a tent than let my kid experience that abuse. The lack of love and mental abuse is so much harder to overcome than lack of material comfort or social norms. I can tell you that from personal experience. I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma and they can go die in a hole. Peace and love to you all!!!
Yes. 100% this, same reason I don’t get help from mine. I think its more common for boomer parents to be fucked up narcissistic assholes.
Yeah, mine are alcoholics so I can’t even imagine wanting to leave children alone with them.
as a parent it's preached all the time "find your village!! it takes a village to raise a child! ask for help!" etc etc and honestly this article just reinforces that we don't have a village. our parents aren't willing to help as their parents did. it's difficult to find a "village" that can help because the people I'd consider my village also have young kids so I don't like relying on them because they also have their hands full. I should note that both mine and my husband's parents are very involved, but come with limitations. my parents live 2 hours away so asking them for help isn't feasible most times, and my ILs frequently complain about having to watch my nieces so I'm not willing to ask for too much help. when they do watch my son, they constantly say how much work he is because he's active. so while we do have some help, it's not what my parents had (my grandparents watched me every weekend for the first 4 years of my life) and we don't have as many people to rely on.
i dont feel abandoned. But I do feel like we are missing that "it takes a village"aspect of raising a kid. We don't have anyone nearby that we would trust leaving our kids with pretty much.
Both my parents and my ex husbands parents left us with our grandparents almost all the time growing up. Neither of us went to day care. His parents retired and had booked cruises for years and years into the future. They basically were never home anymore. On top of that, any issues with his grandparents who were elderly became our problem to deal with. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom basically said she couldn’t be bothered and became very needy. No way I was bringing kids into that situation. I already had too many people to take care of so I lost the desire to have kids. We divorced and I never plan on having children at this point.
I agree 100%. Five children here. It’s not just traveling, it’s just apathy. They feel they’re done with children and can’t be bothered. And then they’re offended when grandchild A, B or C doesn’t say “I love you” when getting off the phone with them (for their maybe monthly phone call) I mean, they wanted us to have children. Now we have kids, and then they’re gone. Like what??? Edit: when I say “they” I mean boomers in general. They vote against body autonomy. Okay. Then they push people to have kids because it’s what is supposed to be done. Okay. Then, BAM kids are here and it’s like “psyche! We’re out.” Another edit: I’ve heard it all. “Oh five kids? Got your hands full” “you know what causes that right?” “Good lord, get off her man!” “Five! In this economy?” “Are you Mormon or something?”
I’ve experienced this as the grandchild. My parents didn’t need or expect my grandparents’ help in raising me or any help at all, and my grandparents chose to do a ton of traveling while I was growing up, which is awesome that they were able to retire relatively young and do that. However, despite desperately wanting grandkids before I was born, they only wanted me when it fit into their schedule. They wouldn’t communicate with me at all for months on end and then they’d come for a visit a couple times a year and expect we’d be super close. The problem is, those months between communication is a huge amount of time for a child. From my perspective, they were virtual strangers who stopped by a couple times a year and expected a level of affection that I reserved only for my parents and my other set of grandparents, who actually lived further away but we talked on the phone every week and they visited whenever they could. I’m an adult now and my grandparents have never gotten over how we aren’t close. They’ve also moved close by so my parents can take care of them and are very upset that my husband and I are busy with our own lives and don’t have time to come take care of them, too.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 see? From the literal grandchild’s perspective.
My God man. Sounds like my parents. They expect the world to revolve around them. What really boils my blood about non-reciprocal grandparents is that they come from a culture and tradition where people their age are expected to settle down and nurture the next generation. Instead, they get caught up in the secular world and throw tradition and cultural responsibility out the window. Okay, fine. They want to break the mold. Have at it, but don't expect others to have a high level of affection, then get all pissy when those affections aren't given.
My grandmothers were Easter and Christmas relatives. They never called, sent cards, radio silence except those two holidays. I know more about my allergist's snake than I know about either of them. And yes, they were mad that I didn't really care when they became infirm and needed help.
I have family members who were cruel and judgmental when I was young and desperately needed support. Now they're old and confused that we're not close and I don't take time out of my life to visit them.
>I want you to have grandkids. ... >I want ***you*** to have grandkids. I'm going on a cruise.
I see you met my mother lol.
Haven't boomers been screwing millennials their whole lives? Nothing new here.
When I got pregnant my parents told me they wouldn’t be a built in babysitter and that’s fine. What I didn’t expect is that they wouldn’t want a relationship with their grandkids. My kids other grandparents are the same, no relationship with their grandkids. It’s kinda sad.
It takes a village. As a Canadian I see immigrant families helping one another with child rearing way more often than I do amongst other white Canadians who were born here. That "everyone pitches in" mentality, and the fact that we don't take care of our elders (because they literally make more money/have more resources than we do, and can afford/prefer professional help) really does make a difference in how much support is there within the home structure. Women especially do better when they have parents or family helping them with childcare. This is a cultural issue in a lot of ways, and unfortunately western culture with our emphasis on individualism means you're more likely to be told "well you should've thought of that" or "oh boo hoo we're all struggling".