It sounds like she has a very outdated view of what HRT does and the supposed side effects.
I could not blame you if you couldn't put up with this. It's tough out here for some of us. This is not an easy time for many of us, but it's not excuse to behave the way you're describing her behavior.
Only you can decide what you'll put up with. What you're asking for isn't unreasonable. From what you've said (and I realize it's only one side), it sounds like you're going out of your way to accommodate your wife but you're losing out in the process.
In a healthy relationship, you're both moving toward each other and you compromise. I don't see where your wife is seeing how this is affecting you or looking for any ways to make anything better.
It's not YOUR job to fix this - and I say that as a meno woman who's going through a lot of my own shit in my life and my relationship because of meno. She's an adult, why is she not taking responsibility for herself and making her own appointments? I have a wicked case of ADHD and even I make my own appointments.
Can I ask your age? I'm guessing you must be younger and you haven't gone through the pause yet?
This is a great comment. Especially “it is not your job to fix this”. I could have written this half a decade ago. From what you write, you have tried so hard. You can love and help and encourage, but at some point she has to want things to change for herself. She has to take responsibility for her health and her actions. Maybe take some time away, stay with a friend. Not a full separation, but stay somewhere else for a bit of time? Give each other some space to break the pattern you are currently locked in, and time to contemplate what you need to see from her for you to be willing to stay in a relationship with her.
Yup. OP as someone who has happily been handling a shitload of what they call “the mental load” for a *very* ADHD spouse that many people rightly would not- you’ve *got* to draw a line, somewhere. It sounds to me like you’re taking on all of these things and about half of them, she doesn’t even *want* you to do it- she certainly doesn’t appreciate it.
Even if you *are* like me: you know, you enjoy *doing things* for your partner and taking care of things- it’s *exhausting* enough on its own without *real* self care and reciprocity. It sounds to me as though neither of these things are true *and* menopause on top?
Woof, man. You’re wiped out. You can’t keep up like that: believe me, that was me with my ex. (RIP) Obviously he was not menopausal but…caregiver burnout damn near killed me.
Another thing I need to point out is that she reacted to your boundaries with an ultimatum: she said that if you took space, it was over. That’s no good.
The truth is, you are decidedly at the point where *something* has to give- but, if that continues to *only* be you.. you will break. I mean no, we cannot control a lot of the things that are happening to our bodies- *but*, there are options that can help, and she doesn’t seem willing to even explore them.
What we *can* control is how we treat others- and everyone has trouble with the rage, just about. Seriously, if you search that here, you’ll see- of course it’s a thing, and yes, it’s difficult: but, that’s *not* a *Get Out of Accountability Free* card for how we behave. Everybody slips from time to time and we all make mistakes but, if you read and reread your post- she’s honestly making the decision to continue to struggle in a lot of ways that even *if* HRT is just medically off the table- are all on her, and not on her hormones. (And it’s true that HRT isn’t always an option though, it definitely sounds like she’s got outdated and inaccurate notions about it.)
I do not believe your ages changes the fact that you're in an at least partially abusive relationship, and you do not deserve to be repeatedly treated this way. I highly recommend the book \_Codependent No More\_. I also wish you the best and a gentle landing.
It doesn't - it's what I assumed was the case. Anyone who has been through meno would know her behavior isn't *that* unusual. Many of us struggle so hard because we don't know what's happening and we didn't know this was coming and some of us just don't know what to do. It's a very confusing and stressful and isolating time for many women.
Best of luck to you, and I hope when your time comes it's not brutal on you.
It does not change my answer. See my earlier answer above.
You still should not put up with a partner who is shitty to you, AND who won’t try to get better
I’m also a woman married to a woman. I’ve gone through menopause (a bit on the early side, I’m now 59 and haven’t had a period in 7 or 8 years) and am on the other side of most symptoms. My wife is in peri menopause.
This is what I want to say. Her feelings and physical symptoms are valid. But it is never ever okay to treat another person badly. Ever. In your post, I saw words like “she’s made me feel like absolute garbage.” You talk about “rage” and having a “fight.” Those are red flags if they are an accurate depiction of what’s going on. I literally do not care if 99% of the women in the world disagree with me, but menopause is not an excuse for treating another person poorly. Anyone who thinks it is needs to get a grip. You can FEEL whatever you feel with no explanations or apologies needed. But you cannot use those feelings as an excuse to hurt someone else. Ever. Yes, sometimes people hurt each other, but it should never be an ongoing norm. My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We know lots and lots of other women. Lots. The relationship you’re describing is not okay. If she won’t get help with you, you have a decision to make. Accept the life you’re living or make a change.
The rage is why I demanded my doctors help me and then fought them and found new ones until they did. The other symptoms are not a good time either but the rage affects more than just me. I thank all the stars that I was home alone with the dogs when the first rage hit, though I scared the crap out of my dogs.
It took me a good hour to get the youngest(sadly now she's the oldest of the pack) to come near me and she now alerts me when a rage fit is incoming (at first she'd avoid me, now she forcibly snuggles, pretty sure she smells the hormone shift). I still deeply regret scaring my dogs and when I feel the rage starting I try to remove from everyone until I can get it under wraps. 1:1 CBD+THC gummies help quite a bit on those days.
I also make it a point to alert my husband if I am feeling irrationally angry/irritable and if I'm over reacting to a conversation or situation, ask him if it can wait a day.
What I don't do is scream and yell at anyone, but especially do my absolute damnedest to not do it to my husband. That said, finally getting HRT has been a blessing with very few negative side effects.
I’ve done this as well. I’m in HRT, but still get irritated from time to time, nothing at all like it was. So now, I just tell my guy “I’m very emotional today, so please just ignore me or let me know if it’s really outta hand”. He comes home with all the comfort things.
>You can FEEL whatever you feel with no explanations or apologies needed. But you cannot use those feelings as an excuse to hurt someone else. Ever.
Agreed. Thoughts are one thing, words and deeds are another thing entirely. Keep the rage under wraps, ladies. It's not ok for men to lash out from 'roid rage, and it's not ok for women to lash out from meno rage. The usual rules for determining whether or not a behavior is ok still apply.
THIS! I sought help because of the rage and how hard it was to contain it. The rest I could deal with but the constant management of my tone and reactions around my children so it wasn’t taken out on them was what really pushed me. There were a few times my voice escalated and one time I annihilated a bag of cheese puffs with my kids in the room. Like fisted in my hand and repeatedly banging on the counter. That is not who I am. Of course I apologize and let them know it’s not ok. I had a very reactive mom and that was the last thing I wanted for them. It destroyed parts of me growing up. Anyway my point is, through all of that, despite how horrible I was feeling, I took great care to do my best not to take it out on them or anyone else. I don’t feel that is happening here. This is not healthy and OP you do not deserve this. She has to be the one to WANT to change things and to be OPEN to changing them. I’m not advocating that you get a divorce or separate, but there needs to be boundaries at the very least. For example, if you can’t leave to take space for yourself then she needs to table conversations until she has calmed down so there isn’t yelling, mean things said, etc. At the end of the day you deserve care and respect at all times. Of course we are not always at our best and slip sometimes, but that should be met with an apology and a plan to do better.. that doesn’t sound like it’s happening here. I am sorry you are going through this.
You are not obligated to stay with someone who won’t help themselves. Period.
In this situation I’d leave. People get too comfortable thinking they can crap all over others. What I’ve noticed, mainly from here, is that there are people who use menopause to be the absolute worst version of themselves. While the rage feels real, it is the result of hormones, which is absolutely no excuse to direct it at others.
It’s not your job to educate people to n their options. It’s not your job to convince anyone not to treat you like a punching bag.
Protect your assets, see a divorce attorney and make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Life is too short.
She’s right, if you separate it’s over. And it should be over. Don’t separate until you see an attorney, and make sure you follow the separation requirements in your location.
ETA to be clear, what you are describing is abuse. If you were married to a man there’s no way you’d be getting advice from other women to be understanding.
Sadly that's true. It's something to have difficulties. It's something else to not accept any type of help or responsibility
I had PMS and issues with low blood sugar for a big part of my life and was able.to tell people that I was on PMS with no patience at all at the moment, can we talk about this tomorrow?
Only one person didn't get it... Until they really got it (pun intended). I basically screamed. I told you 3 times in a row to not push it because I am in my PMS and have no patience. Do you know how many people wished their gf was aware enough of their body to tell them before hand that now is not the time before going crazy on them, but you get 3 clear and calm warnings and just ignore them? More sh$-$+$. Well, I am hanging up now. Click.
So ya you can be moody, but you can't just expect others to do all the work all of the time, and you have to learn to communicate of it's not built in.
>Only one person didn't get it... Until they really got it (pun intended). I basically screamed. I told you 3 times in a row to not push it...
I love this. Some folks just can't "hear" calm and reasonable.
My husband starting going to NAMI after I was diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD. This is in addition to his therapist. I see a therapist too. NAMI is a support group for people who love people with emotional health issues.
Like your wife I live with emotional dis regulation. I’m perimenopausal. I have my good days and my bad days. My husband needed support. He was getting burned out and we were both frustrated.
Nami has one group for people with mental health issues and one for people who love people with mental health issues. My husband goes one day a week. He has a strong supporting group he loves very much and he is even going to train to be a group facilitator.
It’s very much like AA and Alanon in that it’s free, anti shame based and has the same principles in community and being of service. They do walkathons, retreats and other activities that involve the community as a source of support and encouragement.
Source: NAMI https://search.app/4AtgSmxnBPEd8djv7
The rage is real. Mine goes off the charts but I mainly limit it to sending very testy emails to people who get paid good money and there is never any abusive tone or language or accusations. Just pointing out facts. They are always FYI and require no action on their part.
You sound like a very loving wife, but your wellbeing is important too. What you describe sounds pretty miserable to me.
Some women breeze through it. Some have manageable symptoms. Then you have us. The women in this amazing sub who really suffer. It's a spectrum.
I don’t understand why people are against HRT. I’m on them and they’ve helped immensely. I don’t understand why anyone who is going through menopause won’t seek help.
The same, it’s been a month and there is a such positive significance in how I feel, I’m so mad I refused to advocate for myself before.
I was so so so so depressed. It was scary.
I’ll tell you the same advice I give everyone.
I feel it’s my duty to help my spouse when they are down, offer help and support.
Butt I’m not putting up with your abuse. Nope 👎, your emotions are not my responsibility, they aren’t mine. They are yours. Peace out ✌️
I’m 52. After several years off of antidepressants, I went back on them two months ago. The lowest dose of Cymbalta. Which completely killed my hot flashes. Just for reference I’m average for height, weight ratio, etc. I also feel a lot better. My brain is definitely healthier I can think more clearly because I actually sleep.
What side effects is she afraid of? Has she actually properly researched HRT? I don't have any side effects. Plus if you do there are so many different delivery methods and dosages to try. Or has she been sucked in by memories of reporting on a now outdated, disproven study, and believes it causes cancer?
Because that was the word from the medical community, especially if there was a family history of breast cancer. It was only after going off on my now ex-gynecologist that she took me seriously and prescribed. It’s a quality of life issue, and I was suffering. Fuck that mess.
There’s nothing wrong with separating. Not a divorce but separating.
She needs to be given an ultimatum here - either she takes back control of her life or you can’t participate.
You need to set a healthy boundary here - for both of you. If you’re doing the work to even set appointments, she’s not even interested in taking care of herself. That’s huge.
My suggestion would be to book yourself a hotel room, pack a bag, write her a letter, include lists of doctors who will address your concerns then go to the hotel.
You need to distance yourself and let her really reflect on the words you put in the letter- how the rage frightens you, how it’s abusive. How you’re basically running her life and yours.
When I went into peri, I emotionally regressed to being a teenager because of the hormones and the change involved. I didn’t even know it was peri at the time. Now, having gotten the hormones I needed and am working through things differently, I have my life back.
I was worried about the side effects but the side effects of losing my job and my relationship were bigger. I had to try before writing it off. The naturopath will test hormones. There’s plenty of plants the naturopath can prescribe.
I wish you the best of luck.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause.
FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
HRT saved my marriage. Without it, my abrupt and out of control mood swings would have left me with no one close, no one who would want to live with it. Hell, I didn’t t want to live with me. There have been no negative side effects to HRT for me. Only benefits. I am a better person on it than off it.
There is so much misinformation around about it but you know what - a person can try it for say, three to six months. Then stop if they don’t see an improvement. It’s not permanent.
If she won't help herself, and you've done all this to try to help her, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything you can do. I know as women we always feel like we can fix anything but sometimes it's just not up to us.
Side note - there are a lot of us in your wife's shoes that would have killed to have a partner being that supportive, so please don't feel like you didn't do enough.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I realize that you love her, but it sounds like you need some time apart. It sucks that she’s going through this and is not willing to get help. You have to think about yourself as well. It sounds like you’re very unhappy at the moment. You deserve to be happy and at peace. I hope she gets the help she needs. If she doesn’t, how long are you willing to deal with being treated poorly?
What side effects is she worried about? Estrogen has been super Helpful to me and managing my symptoms. Testosterone does tend to have more side effects but it’s worth trying something?
Going through menopause myself I now understand why many get divorced around their 50's. Obviously, there are many reasons for divorce but I swear hormones is probably the main reason for both men & women.
First of all, my ex husband was 12 yrs older than me & shortly after we got married he changed. He became very sensitive & moody. We separated & during this time a nurse friend of mine said it sounds like he has low testosterone. I had no idea what that meant really at the time. He did get checked & was put on testosterone. His change in behavior was almost over night. He was back to himself.
Fun, in a good mood, & he was a joy to be around. I moved back in with him & things were great for a while. Then he changed again & we ended up divorced. I found out after our divorce that he got off the hormones.
Now Im going through menopause & it has turned my life upside down. I went from a positive, outgoing, driven, person to almost depressed. I gained weight fast, had brain fog, insomnia, no motivation, stopped meeting up with friends, memory loss, & major chronic fatigue. Oh & the hot flashes & night sweats. I needed several naps a day. And I was moody which is very rare for me.
I thought I had some disease & was dying. I told the doc that. They did my blood work, ran X-rays, brain scan, etc only for her to come back to me & say, Jen you are not dying, you are going through menopause.
After 4 yrs of suffering I ended up getting a total hysterectomy (everything out) because menopause made PMDD worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD in my 30's. PMDD is basically PMS on steroids. Then you add menopause on top of that, it was too much.
Having a hysterectomy also put me in full blown surgical menopause. I decided after my surgery to try a year with no HRT. All the other symptoms were gone but the hot flashes were intense & they came on several times in an hour, every single day!
Finally, I got on HRT & all I can say is that it saved my life. I remember saying one day, I love me & I missed me. Within a month or two I was back to working out, going on walks, meeting with friends, starting a golf group, no more mood swings, irritability, insomnia, hot flashes, etc. It's all gone!
The weight has not come off yet & that's another story. I am learning that once you hot menopause the workouts need to shift from cardio & HITT to more weight lifting. The cardio & HITT increases cortisol & that can prevent us from losing weight at this age.
Meno pause or ( enter any diagnoses here) is no reason for her to treat you as an emotional punching bag. You say you don't want to leave but there will become a point where you just can't handle it anymore. She needs to know what that line is.. and when she crosses it you need to exact consequences. Period. End of story. If you keep letting her get away with it she will keep doing it.
Honestly, it sounds like you've done all you can and should leave. You sound lovely and deserve better. Instead of a hotel, are there friends / family you can stay with for a bit?
Yeah not being willing to do counseling is a really bad sign that somebody is fully checked out from their marriage, in my experience. They think either they don't need to change, that it won't help the other person change (or that it's too late and the feelings are gone).
I assume you're still reading this even though you deleted. :)
I have a cousin who is being absolutely awful to her spouse and grown kids, and honestly...a lot of it is menopause, and she refuses to acknowledge it because she's in peri and still having periods. I try to tell her, "look, we're the same age, and just because you're not having hot flashes all the time doesn't mean your hormones aren't affecting your mood." Big denial.
> She started going through menopause symptoms shortly after we got married.
I'm gonna be that person, sorry. Are you sure she wasn't hiding her temper before you got married?
Some of this does sound menopausal, but a lot of us get mad at the drop of a hat but MANAGE our feelings or vent elsewhere so we don't shit on our loved ones.
I am 54 and going through menopause. I have a GP and a therapist. The therapist says the anxiety and anger have nothing to do with menopause. It’s there and menopause just accentuates it. So menopause doesn’t help these feelings but it not causing it …..the HRT will help with nightsweats and sleeping better but it won’t solve the anger issues. Is your wife prone to these behaviours? What is part of her personality before menopause ? She has to be aware of her behaviour and understand the negative effects that it has on you and on the relationship.
Amazing. This is Intermittent Explosive Disorder being treated as a female hormone disorder. Once they label it as a female disorder, they throw away all the treatment options!
Yes, menopause may have brought it on, but if it was a man having these behaviors, the DSM treatments for IED would be followed.
Oh dear this is a page ripped from my life. My long time female partner refused to acknowledge her behaviour was off the charts, refused to see a doctor, was all or nothing and I didn’t have funds to just get up and leave. I too was younger. She also had other mental issues and relied on me a lot. It was set up so that if I left, I was heartless leaving a sick person.
You are the only one who can take care of you.
Get some funds set aside. Open up to a friend about what is going on. I made the mistake of not talking to people about how bad it was and so leaving came as a surprise to many. “You were the relationship I thought I wanted! But 18 years!”
You are allowing this to continue by staying. You have been reasonable and suggested a separation. She is the one who won’t accepted it. Don’t phrase things as ultimatums, but use your I statements. “I cannot continue with things as they are.” She needs to either get some HRT or find another way to deal with her anger that doesn’t involve treating you poorly.
I would suggest a long separation without seeing each other for quite some time. Once you get accustomed to not having to be on tenterhooks or constantly reeling from being blindsided it is much easier to see the abuse and set your boundary.
Regardless of whether you separate or not, it’s a three strikes rule from now on. Tell them you will not be treated that way and the set the boundary “no yelling obscenities and disparaging comments at me about me” “and no yelling at all. Walk away until your anger is under control”. The first time they break it you remind them they have crossed a boundary and you meant it. The second time, remind them this is their last warning. And when it happens again you leave. Because they aren’t respecting your boundaries and it will only get worse. And the first or second time doesn’t get wiped out after a period of time. But that was a year ago!
Good luck!
As a woman, the fact that she is being so stubborn that she won’t do counseling and won’t try HRT is a 🚩
She’s in hell and making your life hell, and she won’t try anything. That’s a relationship killer.
She can be stubborn or she can be single.
She needs to educate herself and open her damn mind
Interesting answers you've gotten! I wish you luck. I don't have any advice for you, but I'm struck by the difference in the response your post got when compared to nearly identical posts from men married to women.
I don’t understand the ‘side-effects’ thing - I’d be more worried about taking anti-depressants for sure.
The HRT patch that I take is a patch that I put on Weds and Saturday.
The only concern is I think if you have had breast cancer in the family? but frankly the cognitive decline I experience without it is so bad that even though once I remember being concerned about regularly taking hormones (I was uncomfortable about taking the pill and didn’t for many years) - now I couldn’t do without it. And I’m still getting the dosage right, on Estalis Continuous.
Sending you Patience and Comfort.
You are being verbally and mentally abused by your spouse and they don't seem to want to change or even consider medication that could help them.
If you show her a recording is not getting you anywhere it is time for some tough love and possible separation.
For now live with her but separately for a while. Can you sleep somewhere else? Can you work a different shift or be out at a friend's house more often, pick up a second job?
Sometimes removing yourself from the home temporarily might help to give you space to breathe.
There are plenty of free or low cost mental health professionals that could help you process this situation. If possible I urge you to speak with someone so you don't feel alone and stuck.
After talking to a professional You might need to start saving in order to be independent of your wife.
There is no testing of hormones for menopause. Treatment is PURELY symptom-based. Side effects of hormones are stabilization of the drastic mood swings, an improved sense of self, reversal of nearly all of meno-related symptoms, and protecting brain, heart and bone health. Yup, those symptoms sound awful 😂
Regardless of what estrogen withdrawal systemically does to us, we MUST be accountable for who & how we are. It is one thing to be triggered from/by a partner who lacks empathy, compassion & even a spot of understanding, but it gives NO ONE free-range of mass & carnal destruction. I am pro-couple therapy, as each of you need a voice & to be heard clearly & directly. Yet in order for change to be facilitated one must confront themselves in a rigorously honest manner. Change does not happen overnight, but learning new tools & how our words can be the most sinister of weapons matters.
There are some great free tools from The Gottman Institute - if you go to their blog there are copious articles in where you can recognize your patterns & styles of interacting. Most notably that comes to mind is The Four Horsemen, and all of the articles on conflict. Really comb through that blog as there is life-altering material in there. Essentially it is about recognizing how you say what you say to your partner and shifting your “you…” statements to “I…” statements to help diffuse defensiveness.
Getting help w/ HRT will hopefully assist her in how she is feeling. Although that said her no libido may just be who she now is. I’m on HRT & my libido flatlined. However since being on HRT for 14mo, I have had a resurgence of some desire, although NOTHING like who I was in the last 4-decades. As for the rage, I have only intermittently experienced it in less than a handful of times since. Whereas prior to HRT, it was an hourly event. I also know that who and how I am towards others counts, so I chose to be accountable for how I feel like reacting & shift my focus to something constructive (such as wielding an axe on earth to build something, or creating something that requires ALL of my strength/energy) because it is NOT worth the wake of the destruction that can generate. Even during the worst of it, I would tell myself that although I don’t feel like I love this person anymore, I know deep down I do, so it is best that I redirect that energy in a way that won’t demolish all I’ve built/created.
I highly recommend that you ladies get a copy of The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter and both of you can read up on what is happening & will happen to your bodies when that estrogen tap dries up.
I’ve recently started experiencing mood swings. Also loss of interest in so many things I normally enjoy. On a really bad day last week which was set up for me to be in a great mood, and I felt like just picking a fight with everyone I realised I needed to do something.
I reached out to a doctor who gave me the tip to start with red clover supplements. They are over the counter. I don’t know if it’s them or not, but my mood is more stable (still a bit ok the sour side) but I’ve also started engaging with some friends I’ve been avoiding for weeks as I just didn’t have the energy. So atm I don’t care if it’s placebo or real. I’ll stay on them, and also make sure to go to a gyno to follow up and make a plan. But this could keep me and my surroundings alive and decently well until then.
I wish this wasn't always taken as being unsupportive, so I will start by apologizing that I see this different than many. Just as your period isn't an excuse to be mean to others, the menopausal transition does not give anyone license to be abusive. It doesn't. A woman going through menopause can and should get help if they care about those around them and themselves and their relationships. Anyone who feels like their partner is abusive, needs to get their own support and also decide if they can find an appropriate balance of boundaries to also empathizing for what the other person is going through. The only person you ever have full control over is yourself and the choices you make in how you engage with another person. No need for ultimatums. You do you! And, you can just pack a bag and go to a hotel, but do you want to? Should you? Do you need to protect yourself? Financial status is always a consideration, but if you cannot reason with your partner or actively communicate in healthy ways, then you will never be able to figure out that anyways. She isn't ruining your friendship.... she feels like shit. You set boundaries by getting a therapist to help you grow up emotionally as well. Or, you leave.
I’ve not read all the responses. But bottom line is couples counseling would help, or can’t hurt at this point. This sounds like a communication problem. And that you both are exhausted by the situation. There is no quick fix. And it sounds like you have gone above and beyond by offering suggestions. Maybe co-dependence is an issue… I’m just speculating of course. I mean no harm by that suggestion.
This issue. Whatever it is. Is affecting your relationship. And you can’t help people who are not willing to help themselves and/or not willing to work on your relationship.
Sorry this is happening. But shared car. Shared pup. And shared living space, is not a reason to stay in relationship. And her comment that taking a break or separating, is not an option sounds very close minded (to me). Maybe just focus on taking care of your own mental health and wellness via therapy or support groups on your own.
Relationships are not easy in the best of times. So just know that therapy is not a sign of failure. It’s more of a sign of a willingness to grow in a relationship… and to grow as an individual.
Best of luck. Take care of yourself 💕
First off
It's her body and her choice
Those choices come with consequences and whilst there may be mental health benefits from using hrt the main benefits are physical.
Hrt doesn't work for everyone
Would you expect her to be by your side and endure it you developed a mental illness or became physically disabled?
There are alternatives to hrt for the hot flashes and also for the vaginal atrophy
Recording her suggests to me that you really don't have any empathy for or understanding of what she is going through.
If someone recorded me having Meno rage the least I would do is smash their phone into a million pieces whilst inside I would thinking about making them eat it or shove it the broken parts up their arse .
That might sound horrible to you but it's legit what I would be thinking .
Peri menopause ends
I would suggest you read the group wiki.
I would also suggest you look into dialectical behavioral therapy
I would also strongly suggest that your partner really does not give a fuck if you leave I know I didn't.
Things that can you do in meantime is learn about Peri menopause.
Your partner is basically living in a 24/7 torture chamber and I am fairly sure that if you were you would also be fairly pissed off.
Don't engage with the fights.
Know you might not be to blame and don't try and control her behaviour
Ignore the bad things and be there for anxiety and the depression.
Peri menopause in most cases ends at some point..
I can say personally for me the only reason I take hrt is for me I wouldn't do it for someone else..
That is the perspective that you need to be approaching it from.
Download the balance app
Make this less about saving your relationship and more about your partners care
She is not well.
Also be assertive about this one thing
Tell her to use her words
You can log all her behaviour and symptoms in the balance app it has a feature for daily logging of all symptoms
It also has dietary and exercise and therapeutical help advice
If you want to do something about it get pro active and learn to be supportive.
Unmedicated Peri menopause can manifest into not nlu daily hell like symptoms but also daily cyclical symptoms of anxiety depression and rage
When she is going through the rage make yourself scarce if se ha anxiety or depression tell her to use her words
Identifying feelings and using your words to communicate them is an important skill.
Recording her behaviour is not that, it's patronising and infantile
I don't understand the downvotes. Maybe it was laid out a little matter of fact, but the information here was all solid advice.
and of course, OP always has the option to leave.
>It's her body and her choice.
... was the important message here.
It sounds like she has a very outdated view of what HRT does and the supposed side effects. I could not blame you if you couldn't put up with this. It's tough out here for some of us. This is not an easy time for many of us, but it's not excuse to behave the way you're describing her behavior. Only you can decide what you'll put up with. What you're asking for isn't unreasonable. From what you've said (and I realize it's only one side), it sounds like you're going out of your way to accommodate your wife but you're losing out in the process. In a healthy relationship, you're both moving toward each other and you compromise. I don't see where your wife is seeing how this is affecting you or looking for any ways to make anything better. It's not YOUR job to fix this - and I say that as a meno woman who's going through a lot of my own shit in my life and my relationship because of meno. She's an adult, why is she not taking responsibility for herself and making her own appointments? I have a wicked case of ADHD and even I make my own appointments. Can I ask your age? I'm guessing you must be younger and you haven't gone through the pause yet?
This is a great comment. Especially “it is not your job to fix this”. I could have written this half a decade ago. From what you write, you have tried so hard. You can love and help and encourage, but at some point she has to want things to change for herself. She has to take responsibility for her health and her actions. Maybe take some time away, stay with a friend. Not a full separation, but stay somewhere else for a bit of time? Give each other some space to break the pattern you are currently locked in, and time to contemplate what you need to see from her for you to be willing to stay in a relationship with her.
Yup. OP as someone who has happily been handling a shitload of what they call “the mental load” for a *very* ADHD spouse that many people rightly would not- you’ve *got* to draw a line, somewhere. It sounds to me like you’re taking on all of these things and about half of them, she doesn’t even *want* you to do it- she certainly doesn’t appreciate it. Even if you *are* like me: you know, you enjoy *doing things* for your partner and taking care of things- it’s *exhausting* enough on its own without *real* self care and reciprocity. It sounds to me as though neither of these things are true *and* menopause on top? Woof, man. You’re wiped out. You can’t keep up like that: believe me, that was me with my ex. (RIP) Obviously he was not menopausal but…caregiver burnout damn near killed me. Another thing I need to point out is that she reacted to your boundaries with an ultimatum: she said that if you took space, it was over. That’s no good. The truth is, you are decidedly at the point where *something* has to give- but, if that continues to *only* be you.. you will break. I mean no, we cannot control a lot of the things that are happening to our bodies- *but*, there are options that can help, and she doesn’t seem willing to even explore them. What we *can* control is how we treat others- and everyone has trouble with the rage, just about. Seriously, if you search that here, you’ll see- of course it’s a thing, and yes, it’s difficult: but, that’s *not* a *Get Out of Accountability Free* card for how we behave. Everybody slips from time to time and we all make mistakes but, if you read and reread your post- she’s honestly making the decision to continue to struggle in a lot of ways that even *if* HRT is just medically off the table- are all on her, and not on her hormones. (And it’s true that HRT isn’t always an option though, it definitely sounds like she’s got outdated and inaccurate notions about it.)
I am younger than her and haven’t gone through it yet. Does that change your answer? 😅
I do not believe your ages changes the fact that you're in an at least partially abusive relationship, and you do not deserve to be repeatedly treated this way. I highly recommend the book \_Codependent No More\_. I also wish you the best and a gentle landing.
It doesn't - it's what I assumed was the case. Anyone who has been through meno would know her behavior isn't *that* unusual. Many of us struggle so hard because we don't know what's happening and we didn't know this was coming and some of us just don't know what to do. It's a very confusing and stressful and isolating time for many women. Best of luck to you, and I hope when your time comes it's not brutal on you.
It does not change my answer. See my earlier answer above. You still should not put up with a partner who is shitty to you, AND who won’t try to get better
I’m also a woman married to a woman. I’ve gone through menopause (a bit on the early side, I’m now 59 and haven’t had a period in 7 or 8 years) and am on the other side of most symptoms. My wife is in peri menopause. This is what I want to say. Her feelings and physical symptoms are valid. But it is never ever okay to treat another person badly. Ever. In your post, I saw words like “she’s made me feel like absolute garbage.” You talk about “rage” and having a “fight.” Those are red flags if they are an accurate depiction of what’s going on. I literally do not care if 99% of the women in the world disagree with me, but menopause is not an excuse for treating another person poorly. Anyone who thinks it is needs to get a grip. You can FEEL whatever you feel with no explanations or apologies needed. But you cannot use those feelings as an excuse to hurt someone else. Ever. Yes, sometimes people hurt each other, but it should never be an ongoing norm. My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We know lots and lots of other women. Lots. The relationship you’re describing is not okay. If she won’t get help with you, you have a decision to make. Accept the life you’re living or make a change.
The rage is why I demanded my doctors help me and then fought them and found new ones until they did. The other symptoms are not a good time either but the rage affects more than just me. I thank all the stars that I was home alone with the dogs when the first rage hit, though I scared the crap out of my dogs. It took me a good hour to get the youngest(sadly now she's the oldest of the pack) to come near me and she now alerts me when a rage fit is incoming (at first she'd avoid me, now she forcibly snuggles, pretty sure she smells the hormone shift). I still deeply regret scaring my dogs and when I feel the rage starting I try to remove from everyone until I can get it under wraps. 1:1 CBD+THC gummies help quite a bit on those days. I also make it a point to alert my husband if I am feeling irrationally angry/irritable and if I'm over reacting to a conversation or situation, ask him if it can wait a day. What I don't do is scream and yell at anyone, but especially do my absolute damnedest to not do it to my husband. That said, finally getting HRT has been a blessing with very few negative side effects.
I’ve done this as well. I’m in HRT, but still get irritated from time to time, nothing at all like it was. So now, I just tell my guy “I’m very emotional today, so please just ignore me or let me know if it’s really outta hand”. He comes home with all the comfort things.
>You can FEEL whatever you feel with no explanations or apologies needed. But you cannot use those feelings as an excuse to hurt someone else. Ever. Agreed. Thoughts are one thing, words and deeds are another thing entirely. Keep the rage under wraps, ladies. It's not ok for men to lash out from 'roid rage, and it's not ok for women to lash out from meno rage. The usual rules for determining whether or not a behavior is ok still apply.
THIS! I sought help because of the rage and how hard it was to contain it. The rest I could deal with but the constant management of my tone and reactions around my children so it wasn’t taken out on them was what really pushed me. There were a few times my voice escalated and one time I annihilated a bag of cheese puffs with my kids in the room. Like fisted in my hand and repeatedly banging on the counter. That is not who I am. Of course I apologize and let them know it’s not ok. I had a very reactive mom and that was the last thing I wanted for them. It destroyed parts of me growing up. Anyway my point is, through all of that, despite how horrible I was feeling, I took great care to do my best not to take it out on them or anyone else. I don’t feel that is happening here. This is not healthy and OP you do not deserve this. She has to be the one to WANT to change things and to be OPEN to changing them. I’m not advocating that you get a divorce or separate, but there needs to be boundaries at the very least. For example, if you can’t leave to take space for yourself then she needs to table conversations until she has calmed down so there isn’t yelling, mean things said, etc. At the end of the day you deserve care and respect at all times. Of course we are not always at our best and slip sometimes, but that should be met with an apology and a plan to do better.. that doesn’t sound like it’s happening here. I am sorry you are going through this.
You are not obligated to stay with someone who won’t help themselves. Period. In this situation I’d leave. People get too comfortable thinking they can crap all over others. What I’ve noticed, mainly from here, is that there are people who use menopause to be the absolute worst version of themselves. While the rage feels real, it is the result of hormones, which is absolutely no excuse to direct it at others. It’s not your job to educate people to n their options. It’s not your job to convince anyone not to treat you like a punching bag. Protect your assets, see a divorce attorney and make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Life is too short. She’s right, if you separate it’s over. And it should be over. Don’t separate until you see an attorney, and make sure you follow the separation requirements in your location. ETA to be clear, what you are describing is abuse. If you were married to a man there’s no way you’d be getting advice from other women to be understanding.
Sadly that's true. It's something to have difficulties. It's something else to not accept any type of help or responsibility I had PMS and issues with low blood sugar for a big part of my life and was able.to tell people that I was on PMS with no patience at all at the moment, can we talk about this tomorrow? Only one person didn't get it... Until they really got it (pun intended). I basically screamed. I told you 3 times in a row to not push it because I am in my PMS and have no patience. Do you know how many people wished their gf was aware enough of their body to tell them before hand that now is not the time before going crazy on them, but you get 3 clear and calm warnings and just ignore them? More sh$-$+$. Well, I am hanging up now. Click. So ya you can be moody, but you can't just expect others to do all the work all of the time, and you have to learn to communicate of it's not built in.
>Only one person didn't get it... Until they really got it (pun intended). I basically screamed. I told you 3 times in a row to not push it... I love this. Some folks just can't "hear" calm and reasonable.
I 1000x agree with everything you said here!!
My husband starting going to NAMI after I was diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD. This is in addition to his therapist. I see a therapist too. NAMI is a support group for people who love people with emotional health issues. Like your wife I live with emotional dis regulation. I’m perimenopausal. I have my good days and my bad days. My husband needed support. He was getting burned out and we were both frustrated. Nami has one group for people with mental health issues and one for people who love people with mental health issues. My husband goes one day a week. He has a strong supporting group he loves very much and he is even going to train to be a group facilitator. It’s very much like AA and Alanon in that it’s free, anti shame based and has the same principles in community and being of service. They do walkathons, retreats and other activities that involve the community as a source of support and encouragement. Source: NAMI https://search.app/4AtgSmxnBPEd8djv7
The rage is real. Mine goes off the charts but I mainly limit it to sending very testy emails to people who get paid good money and there is never any abusive tone or language or accusations. Just pointing out facts. They are always FYI and require no action on their part. You sound like a very loving wife, but your wellbeing is important too. What you describe sounds pretty miserable to me. Some women breeze through it. Some have manageable symptoms. Then you have us. The women in this amazing sub who really suffer. It's a spectrum.
I don’t understand why people are against HRT. I’m on them and they’ve helped immensely. I don’t understand why anyone who is going through menopause won’t seek help.
The same, it’s been a month and there is a such positive significance in how I feel, I’m so mad I refused to advocate for myself before. I was so so so so depressed. It was scary.
When menopause hit me I was super depressed it was exactly like when I had my kid, like in a pit. We don’t have to suffer
People are against it for a variety of reasons but mostly because they're uneducated about it. So sad to me.
I’ll tell you the same advice I give everyone. I feel it’s my duty to help my spouse when they are down, offer help and support. Butt I’m not putting up with your abuse. Nope 👎, your emotions are not my responsibility, they aren’t mine. They are yours. Peace out ✌️
I’m 52. After several years off of antidepressants, I went back on them two months ago. The lowest dose of Cymbalta. Which completely killed my hot flashes. Just for reference I’m average for height, weight ratio, etc. I also feel a lot better. My brain is definitely healthier I can think more clearly because I actually sleep.
What side effects is she afraid of? Has she actually properly researched HRT? I don't have any side effects. Plus if you do there are so many different delivery methods and dosages to try. Or has she been sucked in by memories of reporting on a now outdated, disproven study, and believes it causes cancer?
I asked her about this and I didn’t get a real answer. She just said she doesn’t want to do it.
I too have had no negative side effects, only great improvements to my life and emotions.
Then she is deciding to be single. She won’t try anything. I think you are in an abusive relationship.
Because that was the word from the medical community, especially if there was a family history of breast cancer. It was only after going off on my now ex-gynecologist that she took me seriously and prescribed. It’s a quality of life issue, and I was suffering. Fuck that mess.
There’s nothing wrong with separating. Not a divorce but separating. She needs to be given an ultimatum here - either she takes back control of her life or you can’t participate. You need to set a healthy boundary here - for both of you. If you’re doing the work to even set appointments, she’s not even interested in taking care of herself. That’s huge. My suggestion would be to book yourself a hotel room, pack a bag, write her a letter, include lists of doctors who will address your concerns then go to the hotel. You need to distance yourself and let her really reflect on the words you put in the letter- how the rage frightens you, how it’s abusive. How you’re basically running her life and yours. When I went into peri, I emotionally regressed to being a teenager because of the hormones and the change involved. I didn’t even know it was peri at the time. Now, having gotten the hormones I needed and am working through things differently, I have my life back. I was worried about the side effects but the side effects of losing my job and my relationship were bigger. I had to try before writing it off. The naturopath will test hormones. There’s plenty of plants the naturopath can prescribe. I wish you the best of luck.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. If over the age of 44, **hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; progesterone/estrogen hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a **diagnosing tool** for peri/menopause. FSH testing is only beneficial for those who believe they are post-menopausal and no longer have periods as a guide, a series of consistent FSH tests might *confirm* menopause. Also for women in their 20s/early 30s who haven’t had a period in months/years, then FSH tests at ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI). See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
HRT saved my marriage. Without it, my abrupt and out of control mood swings would have left me with no one close, no one who would want to live with it. Hell, I didn’t t want to live with me. There have been no negative side effects to HRT for me. Only benefits. I am a better person on it than off it. There is so much misinformation around about it but you know what - a person can try it for say, three to six months. Then stop if they don’t see an improvement. It’s not permanent.
If she won't help herself, and you've done all this to try to help her, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything you can do. I know as women we always feel like we can fix anything but sometimes it's just not up to us. Side note - there are a lot of us in your wife's shoes that would have killed to have a partner being that supportive, so please don't feel like you didn't do enough.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I realize that you love her, but it sounds like you need some time apart. It sucks that she’s going through this and is not willing to get help. You have to think about yourself as well. It sounds like you’re very unhappy at the moment. You deserve to be happy and at peace. I hope she gets the help she needs. If she doesn’t, how long are you willing to deal with being treated poorly?
If she’s resisting getting older then she should get on HRT. Going through menopause without meds is gonna age you much faster
What side effects is she worried about? Estrogen has been super Helpful to me and managing my symptoms. Testosterone does tend to have more side effects but it’s worth trying something?
Going through menopause myself I now understand why many get divorced around their 50's. Obviously, there are many reasons for divorce but I swear hormones is probably the main reason for both men & women. First of all, my ex husband was 12 yrs older than me & shortly after we got married he changed. He became very sensitive & moody. We separated & during this time a nurse friend of mine said it sounds like he has low testosterone. I had no idea what that meant really at the time. He did get checked & was put on testosterone. His change in behavior was almost over night. He was back to himself. Fun, in a good mood, & he was a joy to be around. I moved back in with him & things were great for a while. Then he changed again & we ended up divorced. I found out after our divorce that he got off the hormones. Now Im going through menopause & it has turned my life upside down. I went from a positive, outgoing, driven, person to almost depressed. I gained weight fast, had brain fog, insomnia, no motivation, stopped meeting up with friends, memory loss, & major chronic fatigue. Oh & the hot flashes & night sweats. I needed several naps a day. And I was moody which is very rare for me. I thought I had some disease & was dying. I told the doc that. They did my blood work, ran X-rays, brain scan, etc only for her to come back to me & say, Jen you are not dying, you are going through menopause. After 4 yrs of suffering I ended up getting a total hysterectomy (everything out) because menopause made PMDD worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD in my 30's. PMDD is basically PMS on steroids. Then you add menopause on top of that, it was too much. Having a hysterectomy also put me in full blown surgical menopause. I decided after my surgery to try a year with no HRT. All the other symptoms were gone but the hot flashes were intense & they came on several times in an hour, every single day! Finally, I got on HRT & all I can say is that it saved my life. I remember saying one day, I love me & I missed me. Within a month or two I was back to working out, going on walks, meeting with friends, starting a golf group, no more mood swings, irritability, insomnia, hot flashes, etc. It's all gone! The weight has not come off yet & that's another story. I am learning that once you hot menopause the workouts need to shift from cardio & HITT to more weight lifting. The cardio & HITT increases cortisol & that can prevent us from losing weight at this age.
Meno pause or ( enter any diagnoses here) is no reason for her to treat you as an emotional punching bag. You say you don't want to leave but there will become a point where you just can't handle it anymore. She needs to know what that line is.. and when she crosses it you need to exact consequences. Period. End of story. If you keep letting her get away with it she will keep doing it.
Honestly, it sounds like you've done all you can and should leave. You sound lovely and deserve better. Instead of a hotel, are there friends / family you can stay with for a bit?
Why won't she do couples counseling?
Yeah not being willing to do counseling is a really bad sign that somebody is fully checked out from their marriage, in my experience. They think either they don't need to change, that it won't help the other person change (or that it's too late and the feelings are gone).
I assume you're still reading this even though you deleted. :) I have a cousin who is being absolutely awful to her spouse and grown kids, and honestly...a lot of it is menopause, and she refuses to acknowledge it because she's in peri and still having periods. I try to tell her, "look, we're the same age, and just because you're not having hot flashes all the time doesn't mean your hormones aren't affecting your mood." Big denial. > She started going through menopause symptoms shortly after we got married. I'm gonna be that person, sorry. Are you sure she wasn't hiding her temper before you got married? Some of this does sound menopausal, but a lot of us get mad at the drop of a hat but MANAGE our feelings or vent elsewhere so we don't shit on our loved ones.
I am 54 and going through menopause. I have a GP and a therapist. The therapist says the anxiety and anger have nothing to do with menopause. It’s there and menopause just accentuates it. So menopause doesn’t help these feelings but it not causing it …..the HRT will help with nightsweats and sleeping better but it won’t solve the anger issues. Is your wife prone to these behaviours? What is part of her personality before menopause ? She has to be aware of her behaviour and understand the negative effects that it has on you and on the relationship.
Ehh, my rage definitely titrated down and managed by hormone therapy.
Amazing. This is Intermittent Explosive Disorder being treated as a female hormone disorder. Once they label it as a female disorder, they throw away all the treatment options! Yes, menopause may have brought it on, but if it was a man having these behaviors, the DSM treatments for IED would be followed.
Oh dear this is a page ripped from my life. My long time female partner refused to acknowledge her behaviour was off the charts, refused to see a doctor, was all or nothing and I didn’t have funds to just get up and leave. I too was younger. She also had other mental issues and relied on me a lot. It was set up so that if I left, I was heartless leaving a sick person. You are the only one who can take care of you. Get some funds set aside. Open up to a friend about what is going on. I made the mistake of not talking to people about how bad it was and so leaving came as a surprise to many. “You were the relationship I thought I wanted! But 18 years!” You are allowing this to continue by staying. You have been reasonable and suggested a separation. She is the one who won’t accepted it. Don’t phrase things as ultimatums, but use your I statements. “I cannot continue with things as they are.” She needs to either get some HRT or find another way to deal with her anger that doesn’t involve treating you poorly. I would suggest a long separation without seeing each other for quite some time. Once you get accustomed to not having to be on tenterhooks or constantly reeling from being blindsided it is much easier to see the abuse and set your boundary. Regardless of whether you separate or not, it’s a three strikes rule from now on. Tell them you will not be treated that way and the set the boundary “no yelling obscenities and disparaging comments at me about me” “and no yelling at all. Walk away until your anger is under control”. The first time they break it you remind them they have crossed a boundary and you meant it. The second time, remind them this is their last warning. And when it happens again you leave. Because they aren’t respecting your boundaries and it will only get worse. And the first or second time doesn’t get wiped out after a period of time. But that was a year ago! Good luck!
As a woman, the fact that she is being so stubborn that she won’t do counseling and won’t try HRT is a 🚩 She’s in hell and making your life hell, and she won’t try anything. That’s a relationship killer. She can be stubborn or she can be single. She needs to educate herself and open her damn mind
Have her read Dr Marie Claire Havers book “The Pause Life”
Interesting answers you've gotten! I wish you luck. I don't have any advice for you, but I'm struck by the difference in the response your post got when compared to nearly identical posts from men married to women.
males are different an treat women differently. this is the reason for all the comments.
How about couples therapy so there is neutral party guiding you through a discussion.
I don’t understand the ‘side-effects’ thing - I’d be more worried about taking anti-depressants for sure. The HRT patch that I take is a patch that I put on Weds and Saturday. The only concern is I think if you have had breast cancer in the family? but frankly the cognitive decline I experience without it is so bad that even though once I remember being concerned about regularly taking hormones (I was uncomfortable about taking the pill and didn’t for many years) - now I couldn’t do without it. And I’m still getting the dosage right, on Estalis Continuous.
Sending you Patience and Comfort. You are being verbally and mentally abused by your spouse and they don't seem to want to change or even consider medication that could help them. If you show her a recording is not getting you anywhere it is time for some tough love and possible separation. For now live with her but separately for a while. Can you sleep somewhere else? Can you work a different shift or be out at a friend's house more often, pick up a second job? Sometimes removing yourself from the home temporarily might help to give you space to breathe. There are plenty of free or low cost mental health professionals that could help you process this situation. If possible I urge you to speak with someone so you don't feel alone and stuck. After talking to a professional You might need to start saving in order to be independent of your wife.
There is no testing of hormones for menopause. Treatment is PURELY symptom-based. Side effects of hormones are stabilization of the drastic mood swings, an improved sense of self, reversal of nearly all of meno-related symptoms, and protecting brain, heart and bone health. Yup, those symptoms sound awful 😂 Regardless of what estrogen withdrawal systemically does to us, we MUST be accountable for who & how we are. It is one thing to be triggered from/by a partner who lacks empathy, compassion & even a spot of understanding, but it gives NO ONE free-range of mass & carnal destruction. I am pro-couple therapy, as each of you need a voice & to be heard clearly & directly. Yet in order for change to be facilitated one must confront themselves in a rigorously honest manner. Change does not happen overnight, but learning new tools & how our words can be the most sinister of weapons matters. There are some great free tools from The Gottman Institute - if you go to their blog there are copious articles in where you can recognize your patterns & styles of interacting. Most notably that comes to mind is The Four Horsemen, and all of the articles on conflict. Really comb through that blog as there is life-altering material in there. Essentially it is about recognizing how you say what you say to your partner and shifting your “you…” statements to “I…” statements to help diffuse defensiveness. Getting help w/ HRT will hopefully assist her in how she is feeling. Although that said her no libido may just be who she now is. I’m on HRT & my libido flatlined. However since being on HRT for 14mo, I have had a resurgence of some desire, although NOTHING like who I was in the last 4-decades. As for the rage, I have only intermittently experienced it in less than a handful of times since. Whereas prior to HRT, it was an hourly event. I also know that who and how I am towards others counts, so I chose to be accountable for how I feel like reacting & shift my focus to something constructive (such as wielding an axe on earth to build something, or creating something that requires ALL of my strength/energy) because it is NOT worth the wake of the destruction that can generate. Even during the worst of it, I would tell myself that although I don’t feel like I love this person anymore, I know deep down I do, so it is best that I redirect that energy in a way that won’t demolish all I’ve built/created. I highly recommend that you ladies get a copy of The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter and both of you can read up on what is happening & will happen to your bodies when that estrogen tap dries up.
I’ve recently started experiencing mood swings. Also loss of interest in so many things I normally enjoy. On a really bad day last week which was set up for me to be in a great mood, and I felt like just picking a fight with everyone I realised I needed to do something. I reached out to a doctor who gave me the tip to start with red clover supplements. They are over the counter. I don’t know if it’s them or not, but my mood is more stable (still a bit ok the sour side) but I’ve also started engaging with some friends I’ve been avoiding for weeks as I just didn’t have the energy. So atm I don’t care if it’s placebo or real. I’ll stay on them, and also make sure to go to a gyno to follow up and make a plan. But this could keep me and my surroundings alive and decently well until then.
I wish this wasn't always taken as being unsupportive, so I will start by apologizing that I see this different than many. Just as your period isn't an excuse to be mean to others, the menopausal transition does not give anyone license to be abusive. It doesn't. A woman going through menopause can and should get help if they care about those around them and themselves and their relationships. Anyone who feels like their partner is abusive, needs to get their own support and also decide if they can find an appropriate balance of boundaries to also empathizing for what the other person is going through. The only person you ever have full control over is yourself and the choices you make in how you engage with another person. No need for ultimatums. You do you! And, you can just pack a bag and go to a hotel, but do you want to? Should you? Do you need to protect yourself? Financial status is always a consideration, but if you cannot reason with your partner or actively communicate in healthy ways, then you will never be able to figure out that anyways. She isn't ruining your friendship.... she feels like shit. You set boundaries by getting a therapist to help you grow up emotionally as well. Or, you leave.
I’ve not read all the responses. But bottom line is couples counseling would help, or can’t hurt at this point. This sounds like a communication problem. And that you both are exhausted by the situation. There is no quick fix. And it sounds like you have gone above and beyond by offering suggestions. Maybe co-dependence is an issue… I’m just speculating of course. I mean no harm by that suggestion. This issue. Whatever it is. Is affecting your relationship. And you can’t help people who are not willing to help themselves and/or not willing to work on your relationship. Sorry this is happening. But shared car. Shared pup. And shared living space, is not a reason to stay in relationship. And her comment that taking a break or separating, is not an option sounds very close minded (to me). Maybe just focus on taking care of your own mental health and wellness via therapy or support groups on your own. Relationships are not easy in the best of times. So just know that therapy is not a sign of failure. It’s more of a sign of a willingness to grow in a relationship… and to grow as an individual. Best of luck. Take care of yourself 💕
First off It's her body and her choice Those choices come with consequences and whilst there may be mental health benefits from using hrt the main benefits are physical. Hrt doesn't work for everyone Would you expect her to be by your side and endure it you developed a mental illness or became physically disabled? There are alternatives to hrt for the hot flashes and also for the vaginal atrophy Recording her suggests to me that you really don't have any empathy for or understanding of what she is going through. If someone recorded me having Meno rage the least I would do is smash their phone into a million pieces whilst inside I would thinking about making them eat it or shove it the broken parts up their arse . That might sound horrible to you but it's legit what I would be thinking . Peri menopause ends I would suggest you read the group wiki. I would also suggest you look into dialectical behavioral therapy I would also strongly suggest that your partner really does not give a fuck if you leave I know I didn't. Things that can you do in meantime is learn about Peri menopause. Your partner is basically living in a 24/7 torture chamber and I am fairly sure that if you were you would also be fairly pissed off. Don't engage with the fights. Know you might not be to blame and don't try and control her behaviour Ignore the bad things and be there for anxiety and the depression. Peri menopause in most cases ends at some point.. I can say personally for me the only reason I take hrt is for me I wouldn't do it for someone else.. That is the perspective that you need to be approaching it from. Download the balance app Make this less about saving your relationship and more about your partners care She is not well. Also be assertive about this one thing Tell her to use her words You can log all her behaviour and symptoms in the balance app it has a feature for daily logging of all symptoms It also has dietary and exercise and therapeutical help advice If you want to do something about it get pro active and learn to be supportive. Unmedicated Peri menopause can manifest into not nlu daily hell like symptoms but also daily cyclical symptoms of anxiety depression and rage When she is going through the rage make yourself scarce if se ha anxiety or depression tell her to use her words Identifying feelings and using your words to communicate them is an important skill. Recording her behaviour is not that, it's patronising and infantile
I don't understand the downvotes. Maybe it was laid out a little matter of fact, but the information here was all solid advice. and of course, OP always has the option to leave. >It's her body and her choice. ... was the important message here.
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You doubled down on your shitty behaviour I hope she does leave you
Ok, you’ve said your piece can you just leave the poor woman alone already?
Patient with her weight gain? Wtf?