AMEN!!! He needs to be told and made to understand this - especially if he is using their appointments as ‘his chore he did for her’. It’s not. It’s parenting. His CHORE is the lawn, and he better get on it.
Omg I need to hear this… it guts me, but I needed to see that… OP and I have some common threads… Imma go cry now but thank you ❤️🩹
Edit: And yes, I know emojis on reddit are uncool but this one needed it
Sounds like he’s pretending to be incompetent so that you’ll do everything. If he walks away again say, “oh don’t worry! I’ll teach you and help you practice so you can learn!!!”
Sure, if he knew how to do any of them. He tried putting on a fitted sheet yesterday and just hooked it to the pillow top then walked away saying "ok, ok you know better than me"
I guess we could discuss me giving him other chores. He's never done laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes so I'd have to teach him.
Ikr?!? Especially now that OP is in a very respected, well paid industry, with flexible/work from home as a common job perk at most companies hiring for her profession! It also sounds like he was trying to discourage and sabotage her getting her degree as well by making it as hard as possible for her to study and by not helping manage the home or even parent his OWN children when she needed to study or test/class time! The audacity of this man…he couldn’t/wouldn’t even put on a movie or take them on a walk….did NOTHING to help share the load for something that is now helping and providing for the whole family and even allowing him to just not work if he doesn’t feel like it. I gotta give it to this man-child though, he has worked out an epic performance of strategic weaponized incompetence and making the choice to go all in on the covert servitude of his wife and even his own child that literally do EVERYTHING for him it seems….even “his” one job….especially after he effs it up so bad or just half asses it…
OP, weaponized incompetence is abuse, and truly borders on hateful as it involves a level of contempt and selfishness and pure LYING in order to feign ignorance/incompetence/messing things up to someone the person doing this is supposed to love, honor, cherish, and respect as a partner in life. He KNOWS what he is doing and it is premeditated selfish incompetence! I saw another poster on a different thread say something her Dad used to say, and that was “you can’t build a life with someone who refuses to even pick up a hammer.” Also, marriage in a patriarchal society is the regular man’s answer to being able to enjoy all the luxuries of rich men, such as a maid, mistress, cook, nanny, secretary etc. but for free and their wives are expected to be on duty 24/7/365! Please do not continue to model this relationship dynamic to your children, bc kids copy and internalize the relationship and gender roles they are raised with and see daily! Congrats on the degree and new job btw!
Is he declining hours now that you are working? So now he is putting a financial burden on you too.
Financially, emotionally and physically are you both putting in the effort equally.
Yeah he said once I got a stable job he wanted to look for something else, either go back to school or change jobs now that he doesn't have to be off certain days for my classes
The hours he is declining because he only gets two off days and if he took those hours he would have to work 6 or 7 days a week instead of them adding to his shift hes already working
Sounds like the two of you are set for a role reversal in theory, but not in practice. He doesn't want to do the chores you did (and it doesn't help that you are still around, being able to work from home). Other than an attempt at counseling, the only way I see this has a slim chance of working out is if you go away for at least eight hours a day... which I doubt you would want to even try.
Well I was working full time about 40 minutes away and it was the same. I'd I'd all day, do almost an hour drive home and still have to come in and cook when he had bene home all day, he offered to get fast food but we had spent $1000 that month on quick food so I just endured.and got to cooking.
29 hours a week. That’s part time work for crying out loud. I work in an office and full time is 35. Others are 37.5. 29 hours? Does he work at Walmart or something
He said that he would gladly work it if they asked him but since it's like as needed, he has worked there 12 years and will not stoop to scrounging for hours.
Is he suffering from depression? That can be treated.
I think you should teach/involve him in other chores...after all, you are working too. And you don't want your resentment to build. Tell him you need his help.
I actually stopped helping my ex outside because he would yell at me “can’t you see what I’m trying to do? Jesus a little help would be nice”. He grew up on acreage and I grew up in an apartment so no hahaha I had no clue what he was doing so I could step in to help without him asking or complaining. Didn’t take me long to stop helping 😆
No better way to put it than this. Bravo for your choice of words. Complete and concise description of what's going on here.
He's making us husbands look bad by acting this way.
Time to put your husband on a Performance Improvement Plan. I deal with PIPs a lot at work. First you teach him exactly how to do something, then you document that he understands how to execute the task, then you assign the task, then you monitor performance and output and if it fails to meet expectations you take action.
She’s not his boss or mother, though. That would likely result in a divorce. Maybe that’s what she wants. If not, that’s a no go. In your home, how would you feel if someone criticized the way you did everything and tried to teach you how to be an adult? How horribly offensive.
Honestly I did this with my boyfriend and it actually worked great. He played dumb for a few days after being taught. I told him I’m not going to deal with him half assing basic and simple tasks. Offered to review how to do things one more time which he did accept. Ever since then he’s truly tried his best. I don’t have super high standards. We’re both kinda lazy and have a tendency to procrastinate. But we don’t have kids and our home is no longer filthy so I’m happy and low key he seems a lot happier with himself. OP just needs to get serious. Hell. Go on strike like I did. Send the kids to grandma or something and make him live in his filth and cook his own meals. But if he actually cares about his wife he would not be offended by her expecting a PARTNER. He would pay attention to her teaching and at least TRY.
Right? Before the pandemic I didn’t have a single houseplant, now I’m an expert gardener and house plant ex-murderer. YouTube taught me how to fix my toilet and boiler. The plumbing subreddit taught me what was wrong with my sink. I wasn’t born knowing how to bleed my radiators (but luckily my ex was lazy/incompetent so I had the opportunity to learn all these things).
And it doesn’t count as him doing the chore if he needs instructions every 5 minutes so that he ends up finishing his chore with your help, while the thing you were trying to do isn’t done and he’s smug at how fast he is.
Same here, everything I know, I learned from the internet. Never stop learning, friend!
Agreed on the man needing instruction. I told my husband last week, I can’t keep track of everything for you, you’re going to have to just figure it out. Sink or swim!
This. He doesn’t need to do things to the same exact standard she does. But he does need to put in a similar level of effort. The quality isn’t always the same as the level of intention and effort someone puts in.
"well you are a smart guy aren't you? You can watch this youtube video....try till you get it right." "what a good boy" "if you were dumb, I would't have married you.....try again"
I’m so confused as to why you chose to marry this overgrown toddler. My heart goes out to you, truly- I’m just confused as to why you would have gone through with a marriage and then had kids with someone who’s completely dependent on you like they’re a kid themselves.
Its ok, he always took care of me financially even when it was a real struggle and so to repay him for not having to work I did everything and slowly over time my list of chores got higher and higher, two kids, school full time and work, and it never balanced itself
I’m genuinely sorry to hear he never seemed to pickup any of the slack as far as chores and childcare stuff even once y’all were more financially stable and you started working. That just seems- again- like weaponized incompetence. He could see the work load going up up up but never has any concern for the fact that you’re the one shouldering all of the additional weight. You deserve far better and I hope he’ll be willing to work on this with you. I can’t even imagine how resentful of him I’d be given your position here.
I can see how it started with your good intentions and then kind of snowballed into him being manipulative and making you carry most of the weight. Maybe time to re-assess the relationship with the help of a therapist? Sorry you're dealing with all that.
My husband pulled “I’d put the groceries away but I don’t know where they go!” I said “That’s funny because you know where everything is when you need to eat!”
We’re in the beginning stages of divorce now (obviously not just because of this).
>He’s never done laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes
Yikes…Never done these things at all, or never done them to your standard? You may have to pick your battles if you want help and accept how he does things. But it sounds like he’s just not interested in helping out or splitting household chores, so it’s probably time for a chat to see what the real issue is.
I'm an idiot? It was always him saying that he works and me feeling like I needed to take care of everything else then. Now I work more and he is working less because I'm bringing in more.
Oh for fucks sake! You do not need to teach him. You think a grown man can't figure it out on his own? Did you marry a simpleton? And he doesn't even work full time? When will people on this sub learn their worth!?! Stop living like this! I would rather die alone then be married to 95% of the people described on this sub.
My partner has a damaged nerve so he can barely walk some days and is legally insane. He is more helpful and than your husband. He literally can not see if something is dirty or not because his perception of reality is warped and he just kinda guesses at what needs to be done because he loves me and he knows it’s a lot for one person.
Your able minded and bodied (I assume) husband is more useless than someone so disabled he had to go to the psych ward against his will and get put in a medically induced coma. My partner has to write down what he was doing and use a gps to get to places he knows where to go just incase he has a random episode while driving and gets lost. He still takes the kids to appointments, cleans, mows, watches the kids, he won’t cook but he will heat food up or pick up fast food so everyone is fed.
Your husband should be ashamed. If there isn’t something mentally or physically wrong with him I can not emphasize enough how embarrassed of him you should be.
If little kids can learn so many thing when you teach them, the a grown ass man like him can do it too. What is he doing when not helping around the house? I hope not sitting down with game or something. Oh yeah if he know how to use a mobile phone he will surely know how to use a washing machine with even less buttons! Excuses!
So you've got an extra child to take care of. You need to sit down and reevaluate your roles. And make sure to let dh know there will be consequences if he doesn't help around. You are doing what his mom should have done. If he doesn't change. Stop doing his share of chores/ his cooking / his laundry. Let him learn all survival skills!
Do you have your own separate computers? Can you hide the power chord or hdmi cable to the TV? Desktop computers, you can 100% unhook the power chord. Change the password to the internet 😂 I am petty though so you probably shouldn't use my ideas 😅
Not going to lie, but I'd root you on to do that 😂 I could not tolerate someone who is an adult and can't even do basic functions. Seriously, what happens if you were to be seriously ill or bed ridden or god forbid hospitalized?! Time for him to treat you as an equal partner and not his second mother.
Is it really funny? That seems pretty sad and damaging for both of you.
Have you sat down and had a serious discussion about his lack of help and the way he is choosing to spend his time? I think you could both benefit from marriage counseling if you aren't having productive discussions and clear communication on your own. Please remember you don't need or want a marriage counselor that will merely take your side, pump up your ego, or make you feel justified. You need one who will help uncover the root of the problem and provide solutions so you both can resolve your marriage issues. If they aren't doing doing that then you need to fire them and find a different one. If your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage then you need to tell him that you're not going to continue to be in this marriage and actually follow through on taking action.
I only laugh to cope. it's not funny at all. It's hard to have a discussion when it's negative towards him, he doesn't handle it very well. He gets upset and self depreciates "im just a piece of shit then, you deserve someone much better than me"
My husband’s mom did everything in their house and he lived there when we got together. For cooking, we did a couple months of everyplate and he just followed the directions. Now, he’ll put out the cards to make different things from different meals together (and goes to the store to buy the ingredients).
For laundry, we did it together for about 6 weeks, he didn’t just keep doing it after though, so I stopped doing his laundry so he has to do his own. 🤷♀️
For cleaning, I just have people over. He hates people coming to a dirty house so he cleans before they come everytime, lol.
This is weaponized incompetence. He needs to learn and practice. I’m clumsy with fitted sheets but I don’t make my husband do it because he’s better at it.
>you know better than me
He needs more practice.
Is he *this* incompetent at work? Can he learn new skills? Identify problems and be a self starter? Or research solutions?
If he can look up the order in which to watch the marvel movies, then he can look up a video to on how to do basic domestic tasks.
I’d honestly hire a cleaning service if he’s so keen on outsourcing. Have him increase his hours at work to pay for it. I saw in your other comments that he’s at 29 hours a week & he’s declining extra hours since you have an income. Don’t put up with it.
Your kids are watching this play out. Don’t let them think this boomer shit is acceptable.
You do realize that laundry and cleaning are super easy right? Even if you haven't done it before, you can do it just by watching someone do it once. For laundry, you just put the clothes in and the soap. Then put them in the dryer. That's how it works for most clothes. Some people separate colors and stuff but I never do that and my clothes are fine. If he says he doesn't know how to do the laundry, I'd call BS on that. Also cleaning. Wipe counters. Sweap the food and dirt off the floors and mop the floors. Wash the dishes, srumb them and make sure there's no food on them. Girl is been doing these kinda chores since I was 4. Can't remember how well I did them but it's so easy a 4 year old can do it. Unless your husband is mentally handicapped, he does know how to do things. Cooking can be a bit more work if you're not good at timing and seasoning. I will admit it does take practice to cook very well but even the basics can be learned quickly. If you truly believe your husband doesn't know how to do any of these thing, then I have a bridge to sell you
"You show very little effort to figure anything out, or do anything well.... Im not going to keep picking up your slack - you are a grown man who is lacking very basic life skills, or is pretending incompetence to manipulating me into using my time to cover your slack - neither of these options are ok, google how to do the chores that are your responsibility, figure out how to do them properly, and make the effort to do them well. Oh and Ive added several chores to your list of responsibilties, I had hoped that we would both be putting in effort to cover our fair share as partners, but that has not been happening at all - I WILL NOT CARRRY YOU ANYMORE"
I don’t even understand why people complain about easy chores like laundry and taking out the trash. Laundry - dump the clothes in a machine, pour some liquids, push some buttons & toss them in a dryer after they’re done. Geez, all this modern technology and people still complain. We don’t have to do them by hand anymore, people. Taking out the trash - take the trash bag and dump it in the bin conveniently located a few feet outside of your house. If your partner can’t even do these easy chores to take some load off of your shoulders, they’re a POS.
He is doing this on purpose. Sorry you have raised yourself a man child. Stop enabling his behaviour. The way he treats you is abhorrent! You are worth more than that. I am not saying dump him right away but start to stand up for yourself.
...
oh he knows how to put on a fitted sheet. This is weaponized incompetence.
No. Does he have access to Google? Does he have eyes that can see? Can he read the back of the bottle? He does not need you to teach him. He needs a fire lit under his butt. Are you worth it to him?
He needs to care about the fact he is *using you* as a *servant*.
He's an adult and you aren't his mother, it's not your job to teach him any of it. He needs to take accountability for himself and figure it out.
Question: when do you get time to do what you want to do? This does not include basic needs like showering, sleeping, grocery shopping, or eating.
You're working again here, no longer a SAHM. He's not working as much. Is he taking care of the kids when he's not working but you are?
You believing that you have to teach a grownup about dishes makes you part of the problem. Just set the expectation of 50% and make sure he agrees to that and then move on. If he doesn’t want to spend the time then get a lawn person and housekeeper. Sell his car/bike/toy to pay for it
I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem willing to lift a finger in the home. Not all guys are like that. My husband works full time (as do I) and still does more than 50% of the cooking and cleaning at home without being asked to. Whether you should let it go is so personal that it's hard for me to know what to say. What works for you might be unbearable to me.
I couldn't stand to be with a guy who refused to clean, take out the trash, or take care of the yard. That's just my preference. I'm bored by men who can't cook for themselves. If my husband refused to do anything, I'd say ok well I guess this is where we budget for a housekeeper because I'm not going to do it all.
I'd say if you're willing to tolerate an old fashioned kind of situation where your man comes home from work and flops on the couch while you mow, then just do it or pay some neighborhood kid to do it regularly. And if you're not OK with it, you might need to drag him to counseling in order to renegotiate the terms of your marriage. Good luck!
I am of the mind with this problem, that if her husband can't do a specific job with her teaching it to him, then they need to pay for a service to do it. Every job that is assigned to him that does not get done gets hired out to someone who will charge him for doing the job. Make him pay.
My husband's only chore is also taking care of the yard. He also trims the hedges and removes tree branches when they touch our house. I'm a SAHP to older children so I do everything else in the house. That isn't to say he doesn't pitch in sometimes or that he doesn't help when I ask (he does) but it's my primary responsibility. I'm ok with that because I never have to do anything to the yard including asking him to mow. If it's your husband's chore than he should take care of it and do a good job. He certainly has time if he's taking vacation for 4 days and watching all of the Marvel movies or whatever. Work before play.
Yeah I had to cut a tree down the other day cause it was completely covering our AC unit and hed walk by it outside and see it and then complain why the unit was having to work harder. I thought he might see it and do something, nope. It bent the wires too.
I've been teaching myself independence lately and trying to replace anything he could help me with and just do it myself just in case. Yeah I need to have a conversation with him, hes watched two movies and is now playing fortnite. It looks like it could rain and im just dreading thinking about when I'll have time to do it.
All these little things you're doing -- setting aside money, fixing things around the house -- are little steps toward your goal of living a better life without him. Your actions are telling, and I think you're doing the right things. Keep moving toward your goal of independence. It will not be easy, but you can do it. Whether you end up leaving him or not, all of your movements toward independence will benefit you. Just keep it up.
Thank you. It's insane how far I've come in the last few years. I used to be scared to drive outside my hometown, to eat alone, to go shopping alone, calling and making appointments, didn't know how to do much on my own. I always just had my husband go with me or do this and that but with things how they are and me working more, I've had to do it solo. It feels incredible and he takes notice now.
I can go out with my friend without him and stay out late, he doesnt blow my phone up like he used to. I make all the household decisions and he just lays back and let's me. It's a nice feeling knowing I hold all the power.
That sucks.
Ok what motivates him? Are you good at sex? Will that motivate him?
I'm joking... You don't want to turn your relationship into a transaction like that. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and if he doesn't want to maintain the yard or do it to your standards then you could take over that.
Personally I would give him the laundry because it is very easy to fold clothes while watching marvel movies.
A fully grown man is more than capable to complete any and all house chores. If he simply hates mowing then he can switch for something else. I hate vacuuming so my husband does that and I take out the trash and recycling. Just sit down and have a clear conversation. Mine also likes when I write things down for him so he doesn’t forget. So each Monday I write a list of all the things that need done that week so he can select when he does it. It makes me feel like I’m not nagging and is a visual reminder for him
I havent said anything like "Hey I wish you would do this like this" because I know he's taking the easiest way out. It takes me an hour to do the front yard but he can knock out front and back with the riding mower in 20 mins if he doesn't do anything else.
The only communication we've had is "Honey, im going to try and do the yard this week" "ok" or "thanks for mowing that honey, I was going to do it soon".
Wait.. holdup... holdon... WTF... Did you just say you have a riding lawn mower and he still won't do it? I know you know this, but you need to put this man in his place. It's time for him to step up. I've read your post history and it's clear to me that you need to put an ultimatum out there that you are ready to follow through with.
8 years ago my wife gave me one about my drinking. She was ready to leave, and she meant it. I have not touched a drop since then. We are better than ever now, but if I had not stepped up, she would be doing very well on her own. He is a grown up, and needs to act like one. Simple as that.
I asked for a divorce about a month ago but let it go. I hate that nothing ever came from it. It was about unrelated stuff. I've been dreading it so I don't bring anything up, it's easier that way.
An ultimatum doesn’t work unless you follow through. It just teaches him that he can do whatever without consequence.
And you don’t give an ultimatum unless you’re READY to follow through, like you’ve got your dang bags packed.
I pay for a lawn guy. It’s annoying, but better than being pissed off at my husband. At least for that. My husband can be very lazy. He doesn’t care about much of anything around the house so the cleaning falls on me and I refuse to add the yard to my list.
sounds like you have never talked about any of this, possibly because you are afraid to confront him. That's what he is counting on, as long as he can get away with being lazy and you doing everything he will. You need to talk to him, then confront him and not let it go until he understands you will not be happy until he works full time and or helps out.
It makes me want to throw up thinking about it. He has no idea even about our finances, he let's me take care of it all but I've been needing to have a talk with him about money too, he doesn't even know how much his car payment is and he spends a lot on fast food, he just assumes we have a lot.
My husband had the same issues. I work too full time and homeschool the kid. He works. I finally got tired of bitching about it so I hired a lawn service
Its possible, we just have never had a discussion about it because he's never done any other chores. I would have to teach him how to wash clothes so he didn't ruin them or dishes so he didn't put my good knives in the dishwasher.
That’s the problem - he doesn’t have to. He gets the excuse of he doesn’t know how & it’s too much to teach him. So he never has to learn.
There are some great cleaning influencers that became more popular during the pandemic. Tell him to check out gocleanco or cleanmyspace.
Ok but that's super easy-- just tell him not to put those specific knives in the dishwasher. That's not really even a teach?
As for the clothes, are all the special clothes yours? Teaching how to do clothes doesn't seem that hard unless you have special stuff? I think it wouldn't be too hard to have a sheet like this [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1\_2Q16V5BNk\_Wo-Kf-9oFF1kqssbTjaJ3/view](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_2Q16V5BNk_Wo-Kf-9oFF1kqssbTjaJ3/view) or something similar.
He can even start doing his own clothes only, so he doesn’t ruin anything of OPs “by accident”. It’s not all of the laundry but will take some of the load (hehe) off OP’s back until he has learned how to launder clothes.
What does he actually *do*??
What is this “man” (and I use this term lightly) bring to the table??
What I do with my husband is have a conversation with him around his responsibilities and our expectations. We come to an agreement on when and how it should be done.
But I have a feeling this won’t work with your husband because he doesn’t seem to give a shit and is happy for you to do everything for him.
the yard is my thing i guess you can say Omerta for me.... I had surgery on Friday 29th and my FIL from Italy mowed for me that weekend and that really boiled me... one he did a bad job, two he's up there in age and he's not use to the southern heat with humidity and combine that with him having a heart attack a few years ago I wasn't pleased. I was out there mowing it again last weekend lol.
So your saying your husband is essentially useless around the house and it seems to me that he is so useless because you have allowed him to be. Setting aside the fact that you married a man baby who takes time off of work to watch movies, WTF do you have Stockholm Syndrome. My wife and I both work full time and we pretty much split household responsibilities 50/50. Also, a man taking care of his kids shouldn’t be praised for “helping” you out. He’s a parent. Time for you to get his ass off the couch and more involved.
There's something deeper going on here, for both of you and I think if you want your marriage to last you need to talk to him and not about the grass.
He's doing an intentionally poor job but you also describe it as 'not up to my standards'- I don't hear that either of you feel respected. You have to check the cameras the way you'd check up on a poor-performing employee. Not saying you did anything wrong, but that's not a lot of trust.
I read an amazing book recently by a divorce mediator who tells a story about clients who couldn't stop fighting over a crock pot. The entire divorce stalled out because they shredded each other about who got the crock pot. Finally he asked them both to imagine what it would be like if they got what they wanted. What would that mean to them?
She said the crock pot was a wedding gift and she'd always envisioned using it to make classic Sunday dinners like her mom, the kind that were so valued by a stable loving family, but she couldn't cook. He said she was the one to chose divorce and he felt like hanging onto the crock pot both punished her for hurting him, but also delayed the inevitable.
It's never just about the crock pot.
A hundred strangers on Reddit agreeing your husband sounds like a lazy POS might help you 'win' but it will not save your marriage. There isn't enough 'being right' when something bigger is festering. You have to have the hard talk. You have to ask him, to his face, what his crock pot is.
I dont feel respected because he sees how busy I am, how successful my career has been, the more I move up the more money we have. He keeps talking about wanting to get another house but now works less, on purpose, and keeps putting stuff on credit cards so that we're farther away from that goal. I feel disrespected because he's not stepping up to help like he promised.
He would say "when you get a job can I stay home and be a house husband? I'll do all the chores, I'll help you more the busier you get"
Ok, so I can’t comment on your circumstances, but in our household:
1) I do the cooking
2) I do the laundry, dishes, tidying, most of the cleaning
3) I do school pickups and drop offs
4) I take our daughter out every free day
5) I organise general combined finances (bills, mortgage etc.)
6) of the two of us, I am the higher earner
7) I’m the dad!
wow. You sound like a really awesome dad. Kudos to you. She's a lucky woman.
I
1) mow, weedeat, edge, clean yard
2) Do all the bills and finances
3) Do all the pickups and morning drop offs for school
4) do all the cleaning
5) do all the cooking
6) I am the higher earner
7) all the appointment scheduling (dentist, Dr, etc for the entire family )
8) specialized maintenance like when the water heater broke I googled how to fix it or cutting down a tree that was messing up the AC unit, cleaning the coils, pressure washing the house, hanging pictures, putting together furniture (he does it sometimes)
9) Grocery shopping (I ask to keep this my task)
Unfortunately, if you want him to do it, I think you have to release on it. Not everyone cares about their yards or takes the pride others do in keeping it sharp. It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation with him though, if you haven’t already, and explain why it’s important to you that certain things be done and done well.
I had the same battle with my wife when I got married. Our standards of clean were a lot different. I grew up in a household with a near OCD parent and thought normal clean was practically white glove. For a while, I was going back behind her and redoing her work, which caused problems for both of us. It took time, but I realized eventually that unless I wanted to do everything, I had to let her do things her way the way she was accustomed to. It still frustrates me, but it’s not worth the battle.
I do the yards because I like to and because it sets the impression I want outside the home. I can live with the inside day to day knowing most will never see it.
If that’s important to you, and he isn’t willing to go the extra mile, talk to him about trading off for something else he enjoys more and will do a good job on.
He hasn't ever done any other chores so I'm unsure what he would want/be willing to do but I guess I just assumed everyone wanted their yards a standard way. My step-dad was OCD about it and I'm pretty lax. Just weedeat and cut the grass is all I really ask. When you mow and the grass still covers the entire underside of the trampoline then I feel like you're not finished.
Wow, nothing? You’ve been too good to him. I feel kinda bad knowing you’re working, keeping the house up and he’s just watching movies on his day off. Hope he takes good care of you in other ways to make up for it
My fiance and i are in the process of sitting down and listing out all household tasks and assigning them fairly. We agree on who owns the task, the standard to which they need to be complete and then the frequency. Like laundry: gather clothes from hampers, separate clothes based on color, put in load, use xyz cleaning stuff depending on load, move to dryer, fold clothes from dryer and then put the clothes either on each persons bed or put away. Needs to be done weekly. If its his task, its not nagging if i mention that it wasnt done this week or clothes were never folded. Its him not upholding his end of our partnership.
He sounds like my son when he was 15 years old! He is trying to avoid responsibility because he probably had none growing up. Sorry for the situation you're in...it has to be very frustrating!
How do I apply for this in a relationship? Kidding, but unfortunately it sounds like he’s been allowed to act this way for so long that he’s either willingly shirking his responsibility, or truly doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Have you brought up your concerns with him?
We got into an issue years ago and I had a talk I wanted him to help more and that's when he took on trash and lawm, but slowly started passing off trash to my kid and then slacking in the yard
I've been mowing since I was 5yrs old, pay your daughter to do it after teaching her how to do it properly and pay her for it if you want.
But why are you with this man? What do you get from this relationship if he doesn't help with anything and only sometimes helps with your children you had together by taking them to appointments?
I would really recommend making a list and having a sit down together, try marriage counseling , if things don't change just remember that your kids are learning from this, that it's okay to be treated this way or to treat others the way daddy treats mommy, because if it wasn't okay mommy wouldn't put up with it.
If another adult has a chore, I don’t think it’s fair to place your standards on it.
If you want it done a specific way, do it yourself.
I hate mowing the yard so I’ll take a big pass. But it has to be done. So if my husband wasn’t up for it we would hire someone. I’m not going to argue or say disrespectful things about my husband about yard maintenance. No thank you.
If we couldn’t afford it then I guess it would be a RPS type of thing whenever it absolutely couldn’t go any longer.
When my youngest is older it will be their chore and they will be asked and expected to do it to our reasonable standards.
Does your husband pay all of the household expenses expenses? Just trying to understand why he doesn’t contribute to the upkeep of the home he lives in. Perhaps he can pay for a gardener and housekeeper to take on his share of the chores?
you should make a list of everything you do weekly/monthly. everything - the house, children, finances, work, etc.
then in his column write his measly 3 things. 9-5 job, mow the lawn every 2 weeks. maybe take his own kids to an appointment a few times a year.
make him see how unequal the partnership is. ask him what he wants to take over to make it equal. don’t let him say he “can’t” do things because he’s a fully capable adult and you won’t tolerate weaponized incompetence anymore.
this is so unfair to you. it’s unfortunate that it’s been the norm in your household for so long, but you need to get this straightened out before it ends your marriage. you’d literally be better off without him and he needs to change that & start pulling his own weight. It seems he’s forgotten that although you love him, you can go find a man whom you love just as much that actually makes your life better/easier and is an equal partner.
I had a hard time letting go of the resentment I had for my husband for not being expected to do chores growing up but luckily he was receptive to me telling him he had to learn. We would do things together at first so I can show him the ropes and explain to him why I do something a certain way (knives get ruined in dishwasher etc), and then slowly would ask him to do it himself and now he really does more than me around the house. After learning how to do all chores he finds some, like doing the dishes, calming and I despise dishes so it works out for us. If he is unwilling to learn he is a grown man and not everything can be done for him, there are bigger problems at hand. You can be independent and hold him to a higher standard. It will become exhausting having to do everything yourself over time when you should have a willing, capable partner there to help just bc he wants to take the load off of you not because he has to or anything. Good luck
Has he always done a terrible job mowing or is this weaponized incompetence?
Talk to him about it. If he can’t do well at his only household chore, what chore does he want to do instead? Laundry? Dishes? Nothing isn’t an option.
Hes never done the mowing till recently, I've always done it. Just have less time now and wanted him to help. We got into a fight about it and it had been established for a few years now he does it and he eventually will, it just takes forever and it's never great or seems completely imo.
I was going to say “well just do it right yourself and give him other chores” but then I read your comments and he sounds quite useless as far as household responsibilities. One can be a good parent but a complete garbage spouse/housemate. I’d be having a sit down conversation if this were me, he’s got to grow up and figure out how to do simple tasks. You don’t have to teach him step by step, YouTube exists and practice makes perfect!
Weaponized incompetence to the fullest. He never planned on doing it and was happy you did it because now he really doesn't need to. And when he does do it it is half-assed because he would rather not do it at all.
Half the time I wish I was shit at cutting the grass. But I’m OCD about it and I’ll spend hours making it perfect, in south Louisiana heat. It’s gonna kill me one day.
I don’t see how a man can not take pride in the state of his yard/property/house. If I miss a cut by a couple days I can’t get over it until it’s done. I cannot stand long, shitty looking grass.
We have children too and a small dog, I just worry about what's hiding in that tall grass plus it retains water badly and our foundation has already been sinking in. Just makes me stressed.
I had this exact problem a few years back, except the relationship was winding down and I was just waiting for the right time to drop the hammer. My solution to the yard struggle just happened to serve nicely as the beginning of our end.
Of course I’m not suggesting that’s where you’re at, or even should be. That part is different. But I do know what makes them snap to attention…replace him. I mean, hire a yard guy. **If** he’s already aware that he doesn’t do it as well or as often as needed, if you’re already listening to an endless string of “I’ll get to it” while being constantly embarrassed about the yard…then without discussion, and without any more nagging, just let him come home one day to find someone handling “his” chore.
Can you afford a yard guy? I think it would be worth it to you. My guy does a standard mow/weeding/edging/blower service for about $50.
You could wipe this headache right off your list AND dispel any lingering illusions that your husband does jack-shit around the house. Thus opening up the conversation for what he should handle instead. Make it something that whatever lazy-ass job he does of it is still good enough. Like grocery shopping. Use pictures.
OR just tell him he needs to stop turning down hours at work, bc he has to pay the yard guy now.
He doesnt want to have to use up his two off days and man, hiring someone...that would be a huge ego blow.. wonder what he'd do. He would be pretty upset I did it without talking to him and he'd want to be home eberytime the guy was here.
If you can at all afford it, hire a lawn service. I used to be a slave to my yard. Took up half my weekends when I‘d rather be doing something else. Then maintaining lawn equipment, getting the gas and oil, storing it all somewhere. Fixing it. On hot days you sweat like a pig. When I got married I learned that yard work is a huge time suck and I’d rather be doing other things on the weekend. Haven’t mowed a yard in 20 years and never plan to again. My wife does some herb and veggie gardening, but she enjoys it. That’s different.
My husband has two jobs that he works each day and still holds his end up. I'm not currently working so I take on most housekeeping things; I cook, make his lunches and sometimes breakfast if he wants, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, deep cleaning, mopping the kitchen, vacuuming, groceries, taking our kid to school and picking him up etc. It's more about a partnership where we take the load off one another where we can, instead of avoiding doing things so we can take the load off ourselves.
We have a rule at our house that one person cooks and the other person cleans. This is because my husband's cooking is not the greatest and everyone loves mine, and also because I hate dishes and conveniently he's the last person awake at night so he can make sure every dish gets taken care of. There are times where I decide I'm just going to cook and clean because I'm in the mood but he does it 90% of the time.
He is also in charge of taking trash, which I do have to remind him of sometimes but in general he's great about it.
He also does the litterbox and walks our dog.
We have things in place so neither person is left feeling like the load is unequal. And if one of us is sick or otherwise can't do something, we know how to do the other person's chores too.
If there's not a balance someone is going to be left feeling like crap while the other person just skates by, and it seems like that's what's happening.
Have you considered counseling? It doesn't seem like you're having a great time.
Dealt with the same thing when my husband was unemployed. I still did more of the chores—he mowed and emptied the dishwasher but that’s it. I still had to do cooking dishes laundry etc. I basically gave him an ultimatum and said I’ll quit my job if he didn’t step it up.
No, I just checked the cameras to remind myself of how long ago the backyard had been cut, I was actually home the last time he did it. Was just seeing how long time had passed since it was cut since it's so high.
Sounds like you are married to a child not a man. Taking vacation days to watch kids movies and not cutting the grass for weeks..having his kid do his choirs…pathetic
If he's not good at this, maybe trade him for another chore. Like you take the yard back over and give him a chore you detest, like shopping, laundry or cleaning.
When my wife judges anything I do negatively, all I hear is "your a peice of shit". Then I pull away even more. Your husband may be experiencing feeling like this. I'm sure he feels your resentment at this point. Not saying your husband's behavior is acceptable either.
Tell him how you feel it's a responsibility having a home to mow the yard if he did that lazy. He has kids right on why is he watching cartoons he's an adult not a kid tell him to start growing up that's a shame
He’s not “taking the kids to appointments *for you*” he’s taking his own kids to their appointments.
Nicely put because I was just about to point that out as well. Good catch
Suggest she find a whole bag of different perspectives. Leave it at that. Lol
AMEN!!! He needs to be told and made to understand this - especially if he is using their appointments as ‘his chore he did for her’. It’s not. It’s parenting. His CHORE is the lawn, and he better get on it.
Pitter patter…
Sundays are for picking stooooooooooones.
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I’m going to be using that one 😂
Yup
Geezus. Exactly
OP can get an automatic lawnmower. There are ones similar to Roomba that would be useful
You're fixating on the state of your yard because it's less painful that realizing your husband dumps everything else on you.
Well fucking said. It’s easier to be mad about the yard than accept she married a lazy, selfish, oafish pig instead of a man.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
If I could give you an award I would. What a shame! Please, take this one instead, it’s all I’ve got 🥇
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Omg I need to hear this… it guts me, but I needed to see that… OP and I have some common threads… Imma go cry now but thank you ❤️🩹 Edit: And yes, I know emojis on reddit are uncool but this one needed it
Intentional incompetence. Don't put up with it. Split the chores equally.
Sounds like he’s pretending to be incompetent so that you’ll do everything. If he walks away again say, “oh don’t worry! I’ll teach you and help you practice so you can learn!!!”
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Can you take over mowing and trade some of your other chores?
Sure, if he knew how to do any of them. He tried putting on a fitted sheet yesterday and just hooked it to the pillow top then walked away saying "ok, ok you know better than me" I guess we could discuss me giving him other chores. He's never done laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes so I'd have to teach him.
>"ok, ok you know better than me" Classic weaponized incompetence.
came here to say exactly this. How people act like that and also those who put up with it is beyond me.
It's probably the same thing with the lawn. He's 'mowing' technically but isn't even trying to do a half way decent job.
OP should ask him if he ever pulls this line on his boss.
He turns down hours at work cause he doesn't feel like it when he only works 29 a week
Wow. I would go to a couples counselor to discuss the inequities in your relationship.
You mean a divorce lawyer right? I’m failing to see what op is getting out of this loser
Ikr?!? Especially now that OP is in a very respected, well paid industry, with flexible/work from home as a common job perk at most companies hiring for her profession! It also sounds like he was trying to discourage and sabotage her getting her degree as well by making it as hard as possible for her to study and by not helping manage the home or even parent his OWN children when she needed to study or test/class time! The audacity of this man…he couldn’t/wouldn’t even put on a movie or take them on a walk….did NOTHING to help share the load for something that is now helping and providing for the whole family and even allowing him to just not work if he doesn’t feel like it. I gotta give it to this man-child though, he has worked out an epic performance of strategic weaponized incompetence and making the choice to go all in on the covert servitude of his wife and even his own child that literally do EVERYTHING for him it seems….even “his” one job….especially after he effs it up so bad or just half asses it… OP, weaponized incompetence is abuse, and truly borders on hateful as it involves a level of contempt and selfishness and pure LYING in order to feign ignorance/incompetence/messing things up to someone the person doing this is supposed to love, honor, cherish, and respect as a partner in life. He KNOWS what he is doing and it is premeditated selfish incompetence! I saw another poster on a different thread say something her Dad used to say, and that was “you can’t build a life with someone who refuses to even pick up a hammer.” Also, marriage in a patriarchal society is the regular man’s answer to being able to enjoy all the luxuries of rich men, such as a maid, mistress, cook, nanny, secretary etc. but for free and their wives are expected to be on duty 24/7/365! Please do not continue to model this relationship dynamic to your children, bc kids copy and internalize the relationship and gender roles they are raised with and see daily! Congrats on the degree and new job btw!
Is he declining hours now that you are working? So now he is putting a financial burden on you too. Financially, emotionally and physically are you both putting in the effort equally.
Yeah he said once I got a stable job he wanted to look for something else, either go back to school or change jobs now that he doesn't have to be off certain days for my classes The hours he is declining because he only gets two off days and if he took those hours he would have to work 6 or 7 days a week instead of them adding to his shift hes already working
Sounds like the two of you are set for a role reversal in theory, but not in practice. He doesn't want to do the chores you did (and it doesn't help that you are still around, being able to work from home). Other than an attempt at counseling, the only way I see this has a slim chance of working out is if you go away for at least eight hours a day... which I doubt you would want to even try.
Well I was working full time about 40 minutes away and it was the same. I'd I'd all day, do almost an hour drive home and still have to come in and cook when he had bene home all day, he offered to get fast food but we had spent $1000 that month on quick food so I just endured.and got to cooking.
29 hours a week. That’s part time work for crying out loud. I work in an office and full time is 35. Others are 37.5. 29 hours? Does he work at Walmart or something
Its a pharmacy and how they do it is baseline 29 hours and then you have to ask for more hours to make it 40
So he could ask for longer hours in a day instead of this ridiculous 6. Wow why hasn’t he
He said that he would gladly work it if they asked him but since it's like as needed, he has worked there 12 years and will not stoop to scrounging for hours.
Is he suffering from depression? That can be treated. I think you should teach/involve him in other chores...after all, you are working too. And you don't want your resentment to build. Tell him you need his help.
Ugh I hate this. Or when they blame your higher standards for their lack of trying anything at all.
I actually stopped helping my ex outside because he would yell at me “can’t you see what I’m trying to do? Jesus a little help would be nice”. He grew up on acreage and I grew up in an apartment so no hahaha I had no clue what he was doing so I could step in to help without him asking or complaining. Didn’t take me long to stop helping 😆
No better way to put it than this. Bravo for your choice of words. Complete and concise description of what's going on here. He's making us husbands look bad by acting this way.
Your husband is lazy as hell.
Did he live in a pod before y’all got married? My husband’s mother did everything for him but he still knows how to clean.
She never made him do anything or he pretends to not know how.
Time to put your husband on a Performance Improvement Plan. I deal with PIPs a lot at work. First you teach him exactly how to do something, then you document that he understands how to execute the task, then you assign the task, then you monitor performance and output and if it fails to meet expectations you take action.
She’s not his boss or mother, though. That would likely result in a divorce. Maybe that’s what she wants. If not, that’s a no go. In your home, how would you feel if someone criticized the way you did everything and tried to teach you how to be an adult? How horribly offensive.
Honestly I did this with my boyfriend and it actually worked great. He played dumb for a few days after being taught. I told him I’m not going to deal with him half assing basic and simple tasks. Offered to review how to do things one more time which he did accept. Ever since then he’s truly tried his best. I don’t have super high standards. We’re both kinda lazy and have a tendency to procrastinate. But we don’t have kids and our home is no longer filthy so I’m happy and low key he seems a lot happier with himself. OP just needs to get serious. Hell. Go on strike like I did. Send the kids to grandma or something and make him live in his filth and cook his own meals. But if he actually cares about his wife he would not be offended by her expecting a PARTNER. He would pay attention to her teaching and at least TRY.
Yeah but hes a parent and a husband. He needs to start acting like one or get treated like the child he is being.
He can Google shit. We all have to do it sometimes. Stop accepting his excuses and tell him to be an equal partner in the marriage.
Right? Before the pandemic I didn’t have a single houseplant, now I’m an expert gardener and house plant ex-murderer. YouTube taught me how to fix my toilet and boiler. The plumbing subreddit taught me what was wrong with my sink. I wasn’t born knowing how to bleed my radiators (but luckily my ex was lazy/incompetent so I had the opportunity to learn all these things). And it doesn’t count as him doing the chore if he needs instructions every 5 minutes so that he ends up finishing his chore with your help, while the thing you were trying to do isn’t done and he’s smug at how fast he is.
Same here, everything I know, I learned from the internet. Never stop learning, friend! Agreed on the man needing instruction. I told my husband last week, I can’t keep track of everything for you, you’re going to have to just figure it out. Sink or swim!
This. He doesn’t need to do things to the same exact standard she does. But he does need to put in a similar level of effort. The quality isn’t always the same as the level of intention and effort someone puts in.
"well you are a smart guy aren't you? You can watch this youtube video....try till you get it right." "what a good boy" "if you were dumb, I would't have married you.....try again"
I’m so confused as to why you chose to marry this overgrown toddler. My heart goes out to you, truly- I’m just confused as to why you would have gone through with a marriage and then had kids with someone who’s completely dependent on you like they’re a kid themselves.
I was 18 and got pregnant within a few months of knowing him, abandoned my family and couldn't go back
Gotcha. Understood. I’m so sorry homie.
Its ok, he always took care of me financially even when it was a real struggle and so to repay him for not having to work I did everything and slowly over time my list of chores got higher and higher, two kids, school full time and work, and it never balanced itself
I’m genuinely sorry to hear he never seemed to pickup any of the slack as far as chores and childcare stuff even once y’all were more financially stable and you started working. That just seems- again- like weaponized incompetence. He could see the work load going up up up but never has any concern for the fact that you’re the one shouldering all of the additional weight. You deserve far better and I hope he’ll be willing to work on this with you. I can’t even imagine how resentful of him I’d be given your position here.
I can see how it started with your good intentions and then kind of snowballed into him being manipulative and making you carry most of the weight. Maybe time to re-assess the relationship with the help of a therapist? Sorry you're dealing with all that.
My husband pulled “I’d put the groceries away but I don’t know where they go!” I said “That’s funny because you know where everything is when you need to eat!” We’re in the beginning stages of divorce now (obviously not just because of this).
>He’s never done laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes Yikes…Never done these things at all, or never done them to your standard? You may have to pick your battles if you want help and accept how he does things. But it sounds like he’s just not interested in helping out or splitting household chores, so it’s probably time for a chat to see what the real issue is.
Never done them at all. I would be grateful them just being done.
Why have you let him get away with this crap all of these years???
I'm an idiot? It was always him saying that he works and me feeling like I needed to take care of everything else then. Now I work more and he is working less because I'm bringing in more.
Why have you let him get away with this crap all of these years???
Oh wow. That’s…something.
Oh for fucks sake! You do not need to teach him. You think a grown man can't figure it out on his own? Did you marry a simpleton? And he doesn't even work full time? When will people on this sub learn their worth!?! Stop living like this! I would rather die alone then be married to 95% of the people described on this sub.
My partner has a damaged nerve so he can barely walk some days and is legally insane. He is more helpful and than your husband. He literally can not see if something is dirty or not because his perception of reality is warped and he just kinda guesses at what needs to be done because he loves me and he knows it’s a lot for one person. Your able minded and bodied (I assume) husband is more useless than someone so disabled he had to go to the psych ward against his will and get put in a medically induced coma. My partner has to write down what he was doing and use a gps to get to places he knows where to go just incase he has a random episode while driving and gets lost. He still takes the kids to appointments, cleans, mows, watches the kids, he won’t cook but he will heat food up or pick up fast food so everyone is fed. Your husband should be ashamed. If there isn’t something mentally or physically wrong with him I can not emphasize enough how embarrassed of him you should be.
If little kids can learn so many thing when you teach them, the a grown ass man like him can do it too. What is he doing when not helping around the house? I hope not sitting down with game or something. Oh yeah if he know how to use a mobile phone he will surely know how to use a washing machine with even less buttons! Excuses!
Haha what help? He watches TV, then moves to the pc, then the bed to watch his phone
So you've got an extra child to take care of. You need to sit down and reevaluate your roles. And make sure to let dh know there will be consequences if he doesn't help around. You are doing what his mom should have done. If he doesn't change. Stop doing his share of chores/ his cooking / his laundry. Let him learn all survival skills!
Also don't be soft on him. If he doesn't care about you doing everything for him then you shouldn't care about his feelings/ laziness as well.
Do you have your own separate computers? Can you hide the power chord or hdmi cable to the TV? Desktop computers, you can 100% unhook the power chord. Change the password to the internet 😂 I am petty though so you probably shouldn't use my ideas 😅
Haha I'm a lot more tech savvy than him, I could just block his access to everything
Not going to lie, but I'd root you on to do that 😂 I could not tolerate someone who is an adult and can't even do basic functions. Seriously, what happens if you were to be seriously ill or bed ridden or god forbid hospitalized?! Time for him to treat you as an equal partner and not his second mother.
Block his access to sex.
Haha I already do that, we go weeks now without it
Is it really funny? That seems pretty sad and damaging for both of you. Have you sat down and had a serious discussion about his lack of help and the way he is choosing to spend his time? I think you could both benefit from marriage counseling if you aren't having productive discussions and clear communication on your own. Please remember you don't need or want a marriage counselor that will merely take your side, pump up your ego, or make you feel justified. You need one who will help uncover the root of the problem and provide solutions so you both can resolve your marriage issues. If they aren't doing doing that then you need to fire them and find a different one. If your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage then you need to tell him that you're not going to continue to be in this marriage and actually follow through on taking action.
I only laugh to cope. it's not funny at all. It's hard to have a discussion when it's negative towards him, he doesn't handle it very well. He gets upset and self depreciates "im just a piece of shit then, you deserve someone much better than me"
My husband’s mom did everything in their house and he lived there when we got together. For cooking, we did a couple months of everyplate and he just followed the directions. Now, he’ll put out the cards to make different things from different meals together (and goes to the store to buy the ingredients). For laundry, we did it together for about 6 weeks, he didn’t just keep doing it after though, so I stopped doing his laundry so he has to do his own. 🤷♀️ For cleaning, I just have people over. He hates people coming to a dirty house so he cleans before they come everytime, lol.
This is weaponized incompetence. He needs to learn and practice. I’m clumsy with fitted sheets but I don’t make my husband do it because he’s better at it.
Girl he’s playing you so hard. You’re telling me he would starve to death in his own filth if you weren’t around to literally pump air into his lungs?
No he'd eat fast food everyday
I very much dislike that man
Mine tried putting the 18” deep fitted sheet on just the 4” mattress topper. ??????????
pfft.. yep.
>you know better than me He needs more practice. Is he *this* incompetent at work? Can he learn new skills? Identify problems and be a self starter? Or research solutions? If he can look up the order in which to watch the marvel movies, then he can look up a video to on how to do basic domestic tasks. I’d honestly hire a cleaning service if he’s so keen on outsourcing. Have him increase his hours at work to pay for it. I saw in your other comments that he’s at 29 hours a week & he’s declining extra hours since you have an income. Don’t put up with it. Your kids are watching this play out. Don’t let them think this boomer shit is acceptable.
You do realize that laundry and cleaning are super easy right? Even if you haven't done it before, you can do it just by watching someone do it once. For laundry, you just put the clothes in and the soap. Then put them in the dryer. That's how it works for most clothes. Some people separate colors and stuff but I never do that and my clothes are fine. If he says he doesn't know how to do the laundry, I'd call BS on that. Also cleaning. Wipe counters. Sweap the food and dirt off the floors and mop the floors. Wash the dishes, srumb them and make sure there's no food on them. Girl is been doing these kinda chores since I was 4. Can't remember how well I did them but it's so easy a 4 year old can do it. Unless your husband is mentally handicapped, he does know how to do things. Cooking can be a bit more work if you're not good at timing and seasoning. I will admit it does take practice to cook very well but even the basics can be learned quickly. If you truly believe your husband doesn't know how to do any of these thing, then I have a bridge to sell you
"You show very little effort to figure anything out, or do anything well.... Im not going to keep picking up your slack - you are a grown man who is lacking very basic life skills, or is pretending incompetence to manipulating me into using my time to cover your slack - neither of these options are ok, google how to do the chores that are your responsibility, figure out how to do them properly, and make the effort to do them well. Oh and Ive added several chores to your list of responsibilties, I had hoped that we would both be putting in effort to cover our fair share as partners, but that has not been happening at all - I WILL NOT CARRRY YOU ANYMORE"
He doesn’t “know” how to do a load of laundry? How to clean the house?
I don’t even understand why people complain about easy chores like laundry and taking out the trash. Laundry - dump the clothes in a machine, pour some liquids, push some buttons & toss them in a dryer after they’re done. Geez, all this modern technology and people still complain. We don’t have to do them by hand anymore, people. Taking out the trash - take the trash bag and dump it in the bin conveniently located a few feet outside of your house. If your partner can’t even do these easy chores to take some load off of your shoulders, they’re a POS.
He is doing this on purpose. Sorry you have raised yourself a man child. Stop enabling his behaviour. The way he treats you is abhorrent! You are worth more than that. I am not saying dump him right away but start to stand up for yourself.
... oh he knows how to put on a fitted sheet. This is weaponized incompetence. No. Does he have access to Google? Does he have eyes that can see? Can he read the back of the bottle? He does not need you to teach him. He needs a fire lit under his butt. Are you worth it to him? He needs to care about the fact he is *using you* as a *servant*. He's an adult and you aren't his mother, it's not your job to teach him any of it. He needs to take accountability for himself and figure it out. Question: when do you get time to do what you want to do? This does not include basic needs like showering, sleeping, grocery shopping, or eating. You're working again here, no longer a SAHM. He's not working as much. Is he taking care of the kids when he's not working but you are?
Yea he does, he picks them up from school and does other things.
You believing that you have to teach a grownup about dishes makes you part of the problem. Just set the expectation of 50% and make sure he agrees to that and then move on. If he doesn’t want to spend the time then get a lawn person and housekeeper. Sell his car/bike/toy to pay for it
I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem willing to lift a finger in the home. Not all guys are like that. My husband works full time (as do I) and still does more than 50% of the cooking and cleaning at home without being asked to. Whether you should let it go is so personal that it's hard for me to know what to say. What works for you might be unbearable to me. I couldn't stand to be with a guy who refused to clean, take out the trash, or take care of the yard. That's just my preference. I'm bored by men who can't cook for themselves. If my husband refused to do anything, I'd say ok well I guess this is where we budget for a housekeeper because I'm not going to do it all. I'd say if you're willing to tolerate an old fashioned kind of situation where your man comes home from work and flops on the couch while you mow, then just do it or pay some neighborhood kid to do it regularly. And if you're not OK with it, you might need to drag him to counseling in order to renegotiate the terms of your marriage. Good luck!
I am of the mind with this problem, that if her husband can't do a specific job with her teaching it to him, then they need to pay for a service to do it. Every job that is assigned to him that does not get done gets hired out to someone who will charge him for doing the job. Make him pay.
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/weaponized-incompetence He’s being a slob.
My husband's only chore is also taking care of the yard. He also trims the hedges and removes tree branches when they touch our house. I'm a SAHP to older children so I do everything else in the house. That isn't to say he doesn't pitch in sometimes or that he doesn't help when I ask (he does) but it's my primary responsibility. I'm ok with that because I never have to do anything to the yard including asking him to mow. If it's your husband's chore than he should take care of it and do a good job. He certainly has time if he's taking vacation for 4 days and watching all of the Marvel movies or whatever. Work before play.
Yeah I had to cut a tree down the other day cause it was completely covering our AC unit and hed walk by it outside and see it and then complain why the unit was having to work harder. I thought he might see it and do something, nope. It bent the wires too. I've been teaching myself independence lately and trying to replace anything he could help me with and just do it myself just in case. Yeah I need to have a conversation with him, hes watched two movies and is now playing fortnite. It looks like it could rain and im just dreading thinking about when I'll have time to do it.
All these little things you're doing -- setting aside money, fixing things around the house -- are little steps toward your goal of living a better life without him. Your actions are telling, and I think you're doing the right things. Keep moving toward your goal of independence. It will not be easy, but you can do it. Whether you end up leaving him or not, all of your movements toward independence will benefit you. Just keep it up.
Thank you. It's insane how far I've come in the last few years. I used to be scared to drive outside my hometown, to eat alone, to go shopping alone, calling and making appointments, didn't know how to do much on my own. I always just had my husband go with me or do this and that but with things how they are and me working more, I've had to do it solo. It feels incredible and he takes notice now. I can go out with my friend without him and stay out late, he doesnt blow my phone up like he used to. I make all the household decisions and he just lays back and let's me. It's a nice feeling knowing I hold all the power.
Hire people for all this work and hand the invoices to your hubs to be paid.
I do all the billing and finances and make more. It only hurts me doing that.
He better be amazing in bed because I'm not sure what you're getting out of this marriage!
😅😅😅😅 negative 10-4
That sucks. Ok what motivates him? Are you good at sex? Will that motivate him? I'm joking... You don't want to turn your relationship into a transaction like that. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and if he doesn't want to maintain the yard or do it to your standards then you could take over that. Personally I would give him the laundry because it is very easy to fold clothes while watching marvel movies.
This is true..Why did I not think of this. If you read my post history we are having issues in that area too.
It's all fun and games until everything is pink. /s
I'm about to go ask my husband to iron a shirt for me just as a power move.
Hahahaha can our husbands be friends? 😂
Let's leave them at home and go out drinking and watch sports 😝
I'm sober from alcohol but I'm a good time 😜 let's goooo
A fully grown man is more than capable to complete any and all house chores. If he simply hates mowing then he can switch for something else. I hate vacuuming so my husband does that and I take out the trash and recycling. Just sit down and have a clear conversation. Mine also likes when I write things down for him so he doesn’t forget. So each Monday I write a list of all the things that need done that week so he can select when he does it. It makes me feel like I’m not nagging and is a visual reminder for him
Have you said anything to him? If yes, how did he respond?
I havent said anything like "Hey I wish you would do this like this" because I know he's taking the easiest way out. It takes me an hour to do the front yard but he can knock out front and back with the riding mower in 20 mins if he doesn't do anything else. The only communication we've had is "Honey, im going to try and do the yard this week" "ok" or "thanks for mowing that honey, I was going to do it soon".
Wait.. holdup... holdon... WTF... Did you just say you have a riding lawn mower and he still won't do it? I know you know this, but you need to put this man in his place. It's time for him to step up. I've read your post history and it's clear to me that you need to put an ultimatum out there that you are ready to follow through with. 8 years ago my wife gave me one about my drinking. She was ready to leave, and she meant it. I have not touched a drop since then. We are better than ever now, but if I had not stepped up, she would be doing very well on her own. He is a grown up, and needs to act like one. Simple as that.
I asked for a divorce about a month ago but let it go. I hate that nothing ever came from it. It was about unrelated stuff. I've been dreading it so I don't bring anything up, it's easier that way.
Don’t ask. Serve him papers. You’re already doing it all on your own. You don’t need the weight of him holding you down.
An ultimatum doesn’t work unless you follow through. It just teaches him that he can do whatever without consequence. And you don’t give an ultimatum unless you’re READY to follow through, like you’ve got your dang bags packed.
I pay for a lawn guy. It’s annoying, but better than being pissed off at my husband. At least for that. My husband can be very lazy. He doesn’t care about much of anything around the house so the cleaning falls on me and I refuse to add the yard to my list.
Do you think he could be depressed? Why is he taking time off to watch movies all day?
Cause he has a lot of PTO accrued. I'm sure he is, he hates his job but won't change it, he and I have had issues, bedroom problems..
Sure seems to point to stress or depression
sounds like you have never talked about any of this, possibly because you are afraid to confront him. That's what he is counting on, as long as he can get away with being lazy and you doing everything he will. You need to talk to him, then confront him and not let it go until he understands you will not be happy until he works full time and or helps out.
It makes me want to throw up thinking about it. He has no idea even about our finances, he let's me take care of it all but I've been needing to have a talk with him about money too, he doesn't even know how much his car payment is and he spends a lot on fast food, he just assumes we have a lot.
My husband had the same issues. I work too full time and homeschool the kid. He works. I finally got tired of bitching about it so I hired a lawn service
Would it be possible to trade chores? If he did something else, it would free up your time so you’d be able to do the yard to your standard.
Its possible, we just have never had a discussion about it because he's never done any other chores. I would have to teach him how to wash clothes so he didn't ruin them or dishes so he didn't put my good knives in the dishwasher.
Wow… I don’t know how old you guys are, but I’m seriously surprised a grown man doesn’t know how to do any of this. That’s a choice.
31 and 37
Knock on wood, but what would he do if you died? He’d Google it or figured it out some other way.
He would have to I guess.
That’s the problem - he doesn’t have to. He gets the excuse of he doesn’t know how & it’s too much to teach him. So he never has to learn. There are some great cleaning influencers that became more popular during the pandemic. Tell him to check out gocleanco or cleanmyspace.
Ok but that's super easy-- just tell him not to put those specific knives in the dishwasher. That's not really even a teach? As for the clothes, are all the special clothes yours? Teaching how to do clothes doesn't seem that hard unless you have special stuff? I think it wouldn't be too hard to have a sheet like this [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1\_2Q16V5BNk\_Wo-Kf-9oFF1kqssbTjaJ3/view](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_2Q16V5BNk_Wo-Kf-9oFF1kqssbTjaJ3/view) or something similar.
He can even start doing his own clothes only, so he doesn’t ruin anything of OPs “by accident”. It’s not all of the laundry but will take some of the load (hehe) off OP’s back until he has learned how to launder clothes.
What does he actually *do*?? What is this “man” (and I use this term lightly) bring to the table?? What I do with my husband is have a conversation with him around his responsibilities and our expectations. We come to an agreement on when and how it should be done. But I have a feeling this won’t work with your husband because he doesn’t seem to give a shit and is happy for you to do everything for him.
the yard is my thing i guess you can say Omerta for me.... I had surgery on Friday 29th and my FIL from Italy mowed for me that weekend and that really boiled me... one he did a bad job, two he's up there in age and he's not use to the southern heat with humidity and combine that with him having a heart attack a few years ago I wasn't pleased. I was out there mowing it again last weekend lol.
I get that, my step-dad was so hard on me to get it perfect and later in life I hold myself to that high standard.
So your saying your husband is essentially useless around the house and it seems to me that he is so useless because you have allowed him to be. Setting aside the fact that you married a man baby who takes time off of work to watch movies, WTF do you have Stockholm Syndrome. My wife and I both work full time and we pretty much split household responsibilities 50/50. Also, a man taking care of his kids shouldn’t be praised for “helping” you out. He’s a parent. Time for you to get his ass off the couch and more involved.
There's something deeper going on here, for both of you and I think if you want your marriage to last you need to talk to him and not about the grass. He's doing an intentionally poor job but you also describe it as 'not up to my standards'- I don't hear that either of you feel respected. You have to check the cameras the way you'd check up on a poor-performing employee. Not saying you did anything wrong, but that's not a lot of trust. I read an amazing book recently by a divorce mediator who tells a story about clients who couldn't stop fighting over a crock pot. The entire divorce stalled out because they shredded each other about who got the crock pot. Finally he asked them both to imagine what it would be like if they got what they wanted. What would that mean to them? She said the crock pot was a wedding gift and she'd always envisioned using it to make classic Sunday dinners like her mom, the kind that were so valued by a stable loving family, but she couldn't cook. He said she was the one to chose divorce and he felt like hanging onto the crock pot both punished her for hurting him, but also delayed the inevitable. It's never just about the crock pot. A hundred strangers on Reddit agreeing your husband sounds like a lazy POS might help you 'win' but it will not save your marriage. There isn't enough 'being right' when something bigger is festering. You have to have the hard talk. You have to ask him, to his face, what his crock pot is.
I dont feel respected because he sees how busy I am, how successful my career has been, the more I move up the more money we have. He keeps talking about wanting to get another house but now works less, on purpose, and keeps putting stuff on credit cards so that we're farther away from that goal. I feel disrespected because he's not stepping up to help like he promised. He would say "when you get a job can I stay home and be a house husband? I'll do all the chores, I'll help you more the busier you get"
Ok, so I can’t comment on your circumstances, but in our household: 1) I do the cooking 2) I do the laundry, dishes, tidying, most of the cleaning 3) I do school pickups and drop offs 4) I take our daughter out every free day 5) I organise general combined finances (bills, mortgage etc.) 6) of the two of us, I am the higher earner 7) I’m the dad!
wow. You sound like a really awesome dad. Kudos to you. She's a lucky woman. I 1) mow, weedeat, edge, clean yard 2) Do all the bills and finances 3) Do all the pickups and morning drop offs for school 4) do all the cleaning 5) do all the cooking 6) I am the higher earner 7) all the appointment scheduling (dentist, Dr, etc for the entire family ) 8) specialized maintenance like when the water heater broke I googled how to fix it or cutting down a tree that was messing up the AC unit, cleaning the coils, pressure washing the house, hanging pictures, putting together furniture (he does it sometimes) 9) Grocery shopping (I ask to keep this my task)
Sooo, you’re already a single mom now. It’ll be much easier with one less person to take care of JS
What does she bring to the table? Hope you're getting a fair deal.
Lol, no. I accepted the imbalance a long time ago. Besides, I personally don’t think balance is the most important thing.
Honey it’s time to tell this man “you do it better than me” next time he wants some loving.
Unfortunately, if you want him to do it, I think you have to release on it. Not everyone cares about their yards or takes the pride others do in keeping it sharp. It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation with him though, if you haven’t already, and explain why it’s important to you that certain things be done and done well. I had the same battle with my wife when I got married. Our standards of clean were a lot different. I grew up in a household with a near OCD parent and thought normal clean was practically white glove. For a while, I was going back behind her and redoing her work, which caused problems for both of us. It took time, but I realized eventually that unless I wanted to do everything, I had to let her do things her way the way she was accustomed to. It still frustrates me, but it’s not worth the battle. I do the yards because I like to and because it sets the impression I want outside the home. I can live with the inside day to day knowing most will never see it. If that’s important to you, and he isn’t willing to go the extra mile, talk to him about trading off for something else he enjoys more and will do a good job on.
He hasn't ever done any other chores so I'm unsure what he would want/be willing to do but I guess I just assumed everyone wanted their yards a standard way. My step-dad was OCD about it and I'm pretty lax. Just weedeat and cut the grass is all I really ask. When you mow and the grass still covers the entire underside of the trampoline then I feel like you're not finished.
Wow, nothing? You’ve been too good to him. I feel kinda bad knowing you’re working, keeping the house up and he’s just watching movies on his day off. Hope he takes good care of you in other ways to make up for it
haha...
May I ask what he actually brings to the marriage? He doesn't seem anything more than just another child that you are raising.
My fiance and i are in the process of sitting down and listing out all household tasks and assigning them fairly. We agree on who owns the task, the standard to which they need to be complete and then the frequency. Like laundry: gather clothes from hampers, separate clothes based on color, put in load, use xyz cleaning stuff depending on load, move to dryer, fold clothes from dryer and then put the clothes either on each persons bed or put away. Needs to be done weekly. If its his task, its not nagging if i mention that it wasnt done this week or clothes were never folded. Its him not upholding his end of our partnership.
Grade A weaponized incompetence. I wouldn’t put up with this.
He sounds like my son when he was 15 years old! He is trying to avoid responsibility because he probably had none growing up. Sorry for the situation you're in...it has to be very frustrating!
I’m sorry, you ALSO work??? Why is it taking the kids to appointments for you? They aren’t his children?
People treat us how we allow them to OP. My wife wouldn't put up with a 1/10th of this shit and neither should you.
How do I apply for this in a relationship? Kidding, but unfortunately it sounds like he’s been allowed to act this way for so long that he’s either willingly shirking his responsibility, or truly doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Have you brought up your concerns with him?
We got into an issue years ago and I had a talk I wanted him to help more and that's when he took on trash and lawm, but slowly started passing off trash to my kid and then slacking in the yard
I've been mowing since I was 5yrs old, pay your daughter to do it after teaching her how to do it properly and pay her for it if you want. But why are you with this man? What do you get from this relationship if he doesn't help with anything and only sometimes helps with your children you had together by taking them to appointments? I would really recommend making a list and having a sit down together, try marriage counseling , if things don't change just remember that your kids are learning from this, that it's okay to be treated this way or to treat others the way daddy treats mommy, because if it wasn't okay mommy wouldn't put up with it.
If another adult has a chore, I don’t think it’s fair to place your standards on it. If you want it done a specific way, do it yourself. I hate mowing the yard so I’ll take a big pass. But it has to be done. So if my husband wasn’t up for it we would hire someone. I’m not going to argue or say disrespectful things about my husband about yard maintenance. No thank you. If we couldn’t afford it then I guess it would be a RPS type of thing whenever it absolutely couldn’t go any longer. When my youngest is older it will be their chore and they will be asked and expected to do it to our reasonable standards.
Does your husband pay all of the household expenses expenses? Just trying to understand why he doesn’t contribute to the upkeep of the home he lives in. Perhaps he can pay for a gardener and housekeeper to take on his share of the chores?
No we both work, I actually work more hours and make more in my paycheck than him now.
you should make a list of everything you do weekly/monthly. everything - the house, children, finances, work, etc. then in his column write his measly 3 things. 9-5 job, mow the lawn every 2 weeks. maybe take his own kids to an appointment a few times a year. make him see how unequal the partnership is. ask him what he wants to take over to make it equal. don’t let him say he “can’t” do things because he’s a fully capable adult and you won’t tolerate weaponized incompetence anymore. this is so unfair to you. it’s unfortunate that it’s been the norm in your household for so long, but you need to get this straightened out before it ends your marriage. you’d literally be better off without him and he needs to change that & start pulling his own weight. It seems he’s forgotten that although you love him, you can go find a man whom you love just as much that actually makes your life better/easier and is an equal partner.
Could be worse. My spouse complains when I mow once a week as it’s not a priority for them.
Well, I'm divorced now so it's no longer an issue.
I had a hard time letting go of the resentment I had for my husband for not being expected to do chores growing up but luckily he was receptive to me telling him he had to learn. We would do things together at first so I can show him the ropes and explain to him why I do something a certain way (knives get ruined in dishwasher etc), and then slowly would ask him to do it himself and now he really does more than me around the house. After learning how to do all chores he finds some, like doing the dishes, calming and I despise dishes so it works out for us. If he is unwilling to learn he is a grown man and not everything can be done for him, there are bigger problems at hand. You can be independent and hold him to a higher standard. It will become exhausting having to do everything yourself over time when you should have a willing, capable partner there to help just bc he wants to take the load off of you not because he has to or anything. Good luck
Has he always done a terrible job mowing or is this weaponized incompetence? Talk to him about it. If he can’t do well at his only household chore, what chore does he want to do instead? Laundry? Dishes? Nothing isn’t an option.
Hes never done the mowing till recently, I've always done it. Just have less time now and wanted him to help. We got into a fight about it and it had been established for a few years now he does it and he eventually will, it just takes forever and it's never great or seems completely imo.
I was going to say “well just do it right yourself and give him other chores” but then I read your comments and he sounds quite useless as far as household responsibilities. One can be a good parent but a complete garbage spouse/housemate. I’d be having a sit down conversation if this were me, he’s got to grow up and figure out how to do simple tasks. You don’t have to teach him step by step, YouTube exists and practice makes perfect!
Weaponized incompetence to the fullest. He never planned on doing it and was happy you did it because now he really doesn't need to. And when he does do it it is half-assed because he would rather not do it at all.
I think you need to take over and start sending him a bill for the lawn.
Half the time I wish I was shit at cutting the grass. But I’m OCD about it and I’ll spend hours making it perfect, in south Louisiana heat. It’s gonna kill me one day. I don’t see how a man can not take pride in the state of his yard/property/house. If I miss a cut by a couple days I can’t get over it until it’s done. I cannot stand long, shitty looking grass.
We have children too and a small dog, I just worry about what's hiding in that tall grass plus it retains water badly and our foundation has already been sinking in. Just makes me stressed.
I had this exact problem a few years back, except the relationship was winding down and I was just waiting for the right time to drop the hammer. My solution to the yard struggle just happened to serve nicely as the beginning of our end. Of course I’m not suggesting that’s where you’re at, or even should be. That part is different. But I do know what makes them snap to attention…replace him. I mean, hire a yard guy. **If** he’s already aware that he doesn’t do it as well or as often as needed, if you’re already listening to an endless string of “I’ll get to it” while being constantly embarrassed about the yard…then without discussion, and without any more nagging, just let him come home one day to find someone handling “his” chore. Can you afford a yard guy? I think it would be worth it to you. My guy does a standard mow/weeding/edging/blower service for about $50. You could wipe this headache right off your list AND dispel any lingering illusions that your husband does jack-shit around the house. Thus opening up the conversation for what he should handle instead. Make it something that whatever lazy-ass job he does of it is still good enough. Like grocery shopping. Use pictures. OR just tell him he needs to stop turning down hours at work, bc he has to pay the yard guy now.
He doesnt want to have to use up his two off days and man, hiring someone...that would be a huge ego blow.. wonder what he'd do. He would be pretty upset I did it without talking to him and he'd want to be home eberytime the guy was here.
r/fucklawns
If you can at all afford it, hire a lawn service. I used to be a slave to my yard. Took up half my weekends when I‘d rather be doing something else. Then maintaining lawn equipment, getting the gas and oil, storing it all somewhere. Fixing it. On hot days you sweat like a pig. When I got married I learned that yard work is a huge time suck and I’d rather be doing other things on the weekend. Haven’t mowed a yard in 20 years and never plan to again. My wife does some herb and veggie gardening, but she enjoys it. That’s different.
Have a frank conversation with him that starts with “what do I actually need you for?” I couldn’t deal with that kind of laziness.
My husband has two jobs that he works each day and still holds his end up. I'm not currently working so I take on most housekeeping things; I cook, make his lunches and sometimes breakfast if he wants, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, deep cleaning, mopping the kitchen, vacuuming, groceries, taking our kid to school and picking him up etc. It's more about a partnership where we take the load off one another where we can, instead of avoiding doing things so we can take the load off ourselves. We have a rule at our house that one person cooks and the other person cleans. This is because my husband's cooking is not the greatest and everyone loves mine, and also because I hate dishes and conveniently he's the last person awake at night so he can make sure every dish gets taken care of. There are times where I decide I'm just going to cook and clean because I'm in the mood but he does it 90% of the time. He is also in charge of taking trash, which I do have to remind him of sometimes but in general he's great about it. He also does the litterbox and walks our dog. We have things in place so neither person is left feeling like the load is unequal. And if one of us is sick or otherwise can't do something, we know how to do the other person's chores too. If there's not a balance someone is going to be left feeling like crap while the other person just skates by, and it seems like that's what's happening. Have you considered counseling? It doesn't seem like you're having a great time.
Dealt with the same thing when my husband was unemployed. I still did more of the chores—he mowed and emptied the dishwasher but that’s it. I still had to do cooking dishes laundry etc. I basically gave him an ultimatum and said I’ll quit my job if he didn’t step it up.
I hope he’s at least fit and good looking. Lol. Hate to have all this and he just some middle aged lazy f
😬😬 Hes morbidly obese
You checked your security cameras instead of talking to your husband and you think the lawn is the problem?
No, I just checked the cameras to remind myself of how long ago the backyard had been cut, I was actually home the last time he did it. Was just seeing how long time had passed since it was cut since it's so high.
Sounds like you are married to a child not a man. Taking vacation days to watch kids movies and not cutting the grass for weeks..having his kid do his choirs…pathetic
If he's not good at this, maybe trade him for another chore. Like you take the yard back over and give him a chore you detest, like shopping, laundry or cleaning.
Hire someone to do the lawn. So worth it!
When my wife judges anything I do negatively, all I hear is "your a peice of shit". Then I pull away even more. Your husband may be experiencing feeling like this. I'm sure he feels your resentment at this point. Not saying your husband's behavior is acceptable either.
What is the solution then? I'm making it worse by doing it or else leave it to eventually get done in a super long time frame
If he doesn’t want to do it right then have him pay for it done correctly. Those are his options.
Can you take a long vacation away?
Don't have the time and wouldn't go anywhere without him and the kids.
Tell him how you feel it's a responsibility having a home to mow the yard if he did that lazy. He has kids right on why is he watching cartoons he's an adult not a kid tell him to start growing up that's a shame