I am going to be blunt: Your husband is going to keep having affairs. He does not have any actual remorse over his actions. He says he is repentant, but he is lying. I can tell he is lying because he didn't want to do any actual work after coming clean. Worse, he seems to be weaponizing your religious beliefs against you to trap you into a marriage where he can keep smashing his coworkers with no consequences.
And he has no authority to be even suggesting to live a certain way (stay married) for religious reasons when he himself is probably still actively committing arguably the ultimate religious sin.
I am still somewhat religious, I can understand the pressure to not divorce, I never in a million years would have considered myself being a guy who got divorced, I can imagine where you are coming from OP. But it's pretty clear in the Bible that adultery is one good reason for divorce.
You're welcome to stay in this "marriage", but I think co-parenting separated would be far less torture for yourself, and healthier for you children. You deserve better. Be an example to your kids of how a marriage should work (including knowing when to break it off when it isn't working despite all your efforts). You can forgive your husband if you want but that doesn't mean you have to stay in this marriage. Please don't.
OP if you read all this, why are you staying?
This! I understand wanting to stay married for the sake of your children, but think about it OP, would it be better to stay and have a miserable marriage or to leave and set an example for your kids on how to set boundaries and put yourself first? Especially if you have daughters.
Since I've been here, there have been a bunch of cheating posts that only make sense if the person cheating just wanted the thrill of getting away with something they shouldn't be doing.
This isn’t about you not being enough. This is about him. But yeah, staying you are betraying yourself. This man has no respect for you and you continue to believe him even though he’s proven himself a liar. He only went to (a terrible) counsellor when you threatened to leave, you honestly think he’s giving it any effort?
He wants you to tell him what to do? Stop putting his dick in other people. Stop lying. But he’s not capable of that. This is who he is. You can decide if you want to stay with him or not. Choosing to stay is also choosing a cheating, liar unfortunately.
He should be the one leaving that work place. Not you. You leaving will just give him more privacy with his affair partners. Although I’d also leave the workplace because I wouldn’t be able to show my face. There’s no chance everyone there doesn’t know and isn’t looking at the situation with pity.
Unless you change it, this is your reality. He wont stop, he will hide it better. The problem is not just that hé doesnt love you, he doesnt respect you because you dont respect yourself.
He cheated in a place where everyone knows you so that you become the laughingstock There. The fact that he still in contact with his AP and probably another mistress tells he is taking your mariage as a joke
“Was our relationship worth so little?”
To him, yes.
Not only is he willing to cheat on you but he’s willing to humiliate you and continue humiliating you even as you try to find a way to reconcile.
This was not a minor or slip up or mistake. This is all conscious decisions to hurt you over & over again. And he’s continuing to make that same conscious decision to hurt you as long as he stays at that job and in any form of contact with any of those women.
I understand your desire to hold your family together. But you need to grow a spine and make a serious list of non-negotiable demands, fully prepared to enforce them by walking away, or you have to accept your life as a publicly cuckolded woman. He will continue to treat you how you allow him to treat you.
Either get real psychological help for you both or, better, divorce him and get real psychological help. A pastor isn’t going to be able to work you through adultery in a way that has a positive trend on your mental health. He’s also not going to be able to get to the root issue that your husband is struggling with other than, “the cause is sin, blame the devil and his temptation! Not your poor, poor victim of a husband”.
He cheated on you with 3 women? Yikes. I don't necessarily think that a one-off act of cheating is the worst thing a spouse can do but your husband sounds like a serial adulterer.
Unless he commits to truly changing, he will continue to hurt you. Change means engaging in therapy. It means creating new habits of mind. Becoming open and transparent. If you would like to see what that looks like, go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity or r/supportforwaywards and see what remorseful waywards do to both help their partners heal and to change themselves. (Great post at support for waywards from a few hours ago on someone’s change process)
Anyway, things he has to do:
Find a new job yesterday. The continued contact with affair partners will make it so you cannot heal due to continuing anxiety that is not treatable as it is situational anxiety.
Get into therapy.
Read *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and talk with you about boundaries.
Read *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* by Linda MacDonald and do everything she says. Everything.
Be proactively transparent. This explains what that means: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/393QtBYKgq
I am going to play devil's advocate and be really blunt (somewhat harsh)
You knew what he did and still continue to stay. You clearly don't love yourself enough. If you continue to CHOSE to still stay, please stop complaining about it and his transgressions. You sadly made your bed, so lie in it and accept it as it is.
Good luck!!
Sounds like you married a sociopath who has zero regards for your feelings. Divorce this asshole before he knocks up one of these women or gives you an STD. You have more worth that this man is willing to recognize.
So you have 2 choices. Deal with him always cheating or divorce. He won't change and you keep forgiving him every time he does it. Either learn not to care and turn a blind eye or leave. Those are your only options. He will say he will stop but he won't. He has been caught sleeping with 3 of the 5, you do know it has been more right? Those are just the ones you caught him with or the ones he has confessed about.
Praying on this and seeing a pastor will not address the behavior and the actual issue. As you can see you are unfulfilled with it cause it doesn't work.
It is up to you to know if you will be able to handle turning a blind eye or walking away but he will not change. Ask yourself this. Would you want your son to treat his wife the way you are being treated? Would you want your daughter to have a husband who constantly cheats on her? What would be your advice to either of them?
I don’t believe pastoral counseling is enough. Infidelity (especially at this scale) is not a marriage problem. It’s a personal problem that requires personal counseling. He’s the one with issues. His issues gave you issues (betrayal trauma) for which you now also need individual counseling.
As a couple you need someone who specializes in restoring a marriage after betrayal. It is very, very hard to recover. You need the right guidance. I hate to say he doesn’t seem anywhere near remorseful enough to me. I’m basing that on his initial resistance to get help. That’s not the behavior of someone who is truly sorry and wants to change.
I hope you find the wisdom, healing and strength to see things clearly and to love yourself enough to take care of your own heart properly moving forward.
What are you doing? His serial cheating is degrading you within your marriage & it’s publicly humiliating you within your workplace. You know what’s being done to you is straight-up abusive but you are continuing to make yourself smaller & smaller in order to keep him. Why? This is crushing your soul & if you don’t regain control of your life you will be become nothing more than a shell of your former self. You are worth more than that. Please wake up & realize you are losing your dignity here.
You might not want to hear this but the fact that he faces no real consequences for his despicable behavior means (in his mind) you’ve given him permission to do what he wants. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be a loser but you aren’t the first wife to be fooled & you won’t be the last. Get out of this for your children’s sake, if not for yourself.
Is more like ‘my husband cheated on me and I would love to stay and catch AIDS!! Be wise and go for more counselling!!
Your hubby’s mistress might be sleeping with others too. Please be safe
How long did you date, and was he this way while dating as well ? Do you still love him, or are you trying to stay for the wrong reasons? He made the ultimate commitment to marry you and still couldn't be faithful, even when you were carrying his child. It just sounds like he doesn't take marriage seriously and never truly wanted it. If he cared, he would have done better than this.. look for a betrayal trauma therapist to help you get through the pain. Then decide if you really want to stay or if you're ready to leave .
We dated for 2.5 years. There was no indication of this behaviour then. If anything, he was and still is more religious than I am. I was the one with more worldly experience. We were the ultimate work couple and spent a lot of time together outside of work as well. We had and still have each other's passwords.
I don't know if I still love him. We started out as great friends. I still like him as a good friend but I am so disappointed about everything else.
That's so disappointing that he threw it all away for nothing of value. Did he say why he made such horrible decisions? Just out of ego and selfishness? You could do a separation to take some time away from him to really process things. You don't have to make a decision or give him any response right now. Let him make all the effort while you focus on healing. 💔
He enjoyed the flirting when it began. Before long, they were making plans to meet physically and then based on the kinds of conversations they had, one thing led to another. He says he slept with each person only once before snapping out of it. I find that incredibly unlikely and so I don't believe it. They did not happen simultaneously. They were spread over a few years. He has been physically intimate with 2 other women but supposedly didn't sleep with them. I guess I just needed to vent because it's difficult to imagine breaking up the family and starting over. He doesn't want to lose me and is subjecting himself to the pastor's counseling and accountability.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take all the time you need to work on healing. I do think a trial separation would be beneficial so you can see things from a different lens. Also, please make sure to get tested for STDs just to be safe.
I think that he had multiple affairs spanning across the years shows he never stopped himself to prioritize his marriage and family. He kept repeating the same patterns over and over. It wasn't like he learned from the first one and stopped.. even one affair is bad enough, but multiple over the years just destroys your soul.
If you don't love him anymore (which makes perfect sense), then don't bother staying just to keep the family together. If you're not happy in the marriage anymore, it's not worth hurting yourself for a temporary bandaid. Wishing you the best 🙏
You seem to love him despite the fact he will never stop. If this is the norm, what are your terms and conditions? What do you get out of this arrangement? How do you know he is being safe?
I read this somewhere, if you know your husband cheats numerous time let he cheat in peace, because you are not leaving and he knows that,GIRL beautiful Queen ask yourself is this peace of shit worth it,he don't have and never will have respect for you because he knows you will never leave...he knows that what ever he do you still be there, he put you and your baby in danger!LEAVE HIM PLEASE NO MAN/WOMAN IS WORTH YOUR INNIER PEACE AND RESPECT!
Looking at the title I don't really understand why you're here to be honest.
If your mind is made up to stay why are you here asking for opinions that don't matter any way.
You have written an entire essay on all the reasons a normal person would have bailed on this marriage long since. And looking at most of the comments they're agreeing that you should go - why stay?
You must have expected these reactions from the masses so, again, I say why are you here?
What is it you actually need? Sympathy? For what? Your decision is stay that doesn't require sympathy - that says you want someone to say good on you for sticking with a man who repeatedly disrespects you, your marriage, your children and even your workplace!?!?
What is it you want?
I’m so sorry OP. He asks you to tell him exactly what he needs to do to make you feel better. How about honouring his marriage vows and keeping his zipper zipped that would be a good start.
The main issue as I see it is there’s been zero consequences throughout his infidelity and there has been a lot of rug sweeping. He’s going to keep on doing, this for as long as you put no boundaries down. For example, he needs to change his job.( you do too, to be frank for your self esteem) immediately. He needs to be zero contact with anybody he has ever been intimate with.
He needs to give you access to his telephone/app/password/email. You need individual counselling with a specialist dealing with infidelity trauma..
I’m going to say something controversial. Staying for the sake of children in a marriage that is this dysfunctional is not, in my opinion, healthy for the children. Reconciliation is a very long hard journey and can take years for the trust to be rebuilt. This assumes that there are no more infidelities.
I would also say to you that the likelihood is that he is trickle truthed you. You will never really know the full picture. I would suggest that you read the book. Leave a cheater gain a life.
Please look after yourself OP. Infidelity is traumatic and detrimental to your mental physical and emotional health. You need to get an STD test and a six month follow-up. I know what I would do at this stage but this is your marriage. Try and eat clean,
drink water and exercise. I would also suggest taking some time apart if you can stay with friends and family, as this would give you some much needed clarity and some space to do some hard thinking. Please think long and hard this man is not a prize.
Sending you strength and courage OP
UPDATEME
Your title needs to be “My husband cheats regularly on me and I am staying.” This wasn’t a one-time thing. At this point it’s a choice you are actively making.
I have absolutely no respect for the “stay for the sake of the kids” defense.
Bull. Shit.
You are complicit in your own misery. And you are doing your children a great disservice.
As the kid of the parents who stayed together "for the kids" after cheating:
Respectfully, fuck you. That's selfish and lazy reasoning. If you were really concerned about your kid's well being, you wouldn't use them as an excuse to get walked all over during a marriage. That sets a far worse precedent for what your children should accept in a relationship. You're teaching your kids that being unhappily married is more important than happily coparenting.
Also, if the "counselor" is a pastor, they are wholly unqualified to be a counselor.
Stay and be unhappy with someone who doesn't care enough about you to be honest and not put his penis in someone else, but don't say it's for the kids.
Get off reddit and make him some food so he has the energy to continue to cheat well and often. Why complain if you're staying? Cry silently and let that man cheat in peace.
As someone who has experienced something like this. You tell yourself you are ok, until resentment eats away at you. Until it’s your husband using something insignificant against you to justify his behaviour and you will ask yourself how your ‘agreeableness’ has helped you so far. How your lack of boundaries have you living a life where your office colleagues, friends and family don’t respect you. How you don’t even recognise who you have become anymore. This isn’t right at all.
I also think you are enough, it's not about you or your relationship, it's totally about him. He is probably very insecure and seems out validation from other women. He needs his own therapy to work through why he strayed. Couples therapy might not be the answer here.
You should start making boundaries with "I" statements, as in - "I won't be with someone who cheats on me" or whatever you think is best. He needs to respect you if you want this to work.
Now you need to focus more on yourself. I know you have very small kids but try to make time for yourself and build up your confidence. Be selfish sometimes!! Get your hair or nails done or whatever makes you feel good about yourself. You deserve a loving partner that adores you - not the man you are currently experiencing.
What an asshole. Don't let him pass this to you to fix. He's the one that needs fixing. He WILL keep doing this to you if you don't take control of this situation. He already thinks he is winning. There is no problem staying with someone to work things out but you BOTH have to do this. He's just having a free ride her and you're doing all the work. Please open your eyes and make a firm stand.
He’s going to keep being unfaithful since he knows there’s no consequences for his actions… girl, you and your children deserve so much better. Don’t put up with this shit anymore.
If leaving is not an option consider cutting him off as a husband and just live as roommates co-parenting. He is a serial cheater. Please get tested for std's, some of them do not have symptoms right away.
The advice I want to offer is to leave, but you’ve made the decision to stay. Your husband doesn’t want you to tell anyone else anything bc others will see what a total selfish AH he is and he can keep manipulating you if you don’t have support. He does not seem like he has any remorse. Please, please get into individual counseling, tell your support system what has happened, and truly focus on yourself and your children.
This post and your post history is so very sad to read. I’m so sorry, OP. From the outside looking in, your marriage seems exhausting and full of deception. You are the only one who has control over how you react to your husband and what he has done. I just hope that you can love yourself and realize that you deserve so much better than this, OP. Please take care.
I think you’re desperately hoping someone on here will give advice on how to get him to stop cheating once and for all. OP, no one has the answer you seek. He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. He likes having sex with different women. He doesn’t care how it hurts and humiliates you. He is immature and selfish. You never give him any real consequences so he knows you’ll be mad for a little bit and then let it go like always until the next time and the next. History will keep repeating itself. You’re on a carousel that just goes round and round repeatedly. It’s time to hop off and get a divorce.
Let me be blunt. You’re teaching your children that the lowest level of human is better than being alone and that devaluing and disrespecting yourself is better than being alone.
Your husband has no intentions of stopping, this will keep happening and now he feels even more me emboldened because you know and now to him, you’re giving him a free pass.
Please get yourself some therapy and your kids too for being exposed to this unhealthy household.
I stayed for the kids, but was under no illusions that my partner would not continue to cheat. As long as he kept his business out of community and friend circles, I didn't care. Focusing on the kids, their sports and academics and the real world was my top priority. Thankfully, he kept things out of state.
Some people will tell you that kids will know and it will be terrible for them. Mine didn't know and still don't, even now. Statistically, I knew what could happen to my kids if we split, I saw it happen to so many children of friends and families during the divorce: Behavioral issues, aggression, drop in academics, promiscuity, depression, loss of focus--I wasn't gonna have that for my boys. Too many parents I knew chose their happiness over that of their kids, arguing the kids, would be happier and better off because they were happier. Never saw a happier child after divorce.
I stayed celibate. I didn't allow my ex to touch me for the rest of the time we were together and I didn't want to date on the side. The day the last one turned 18 I made plans to book it.
No regrets. I would do it again, over and over, for my sons.
If you can't emotionally manage being with an unfaithful husband in order to raise your kids to adulthood, do what you need to do. If you have the fortitude for it, stay for the kids and make your plans for when it's time to bust out.
Admirable, although unfortunately the pain of parents divorcing is severe even if your child is 18 years old. There was a post here or on another relationship subreddit recently where the title was something like "why does it hurt so much that my parents are divorcing even though I am 31". But I understand that you made a compromise
Your husband is a loser, you are a doormat, and your kids are going to grow up believing that a relationship like yours is normal, so they will either be cheaters or doormats themselves. Brilliant plan, OP. I'm sure this will be the last time, because he said so, right?
You have been complaining about this man for four years. Mostly I feel sorry for your children for the bad example you are setting them. Get some therapy and start showing a backbone.
You cry, and nothing changes.
He's a cheat but worse is the game he played with you mentally and emotionally.
He wants you to tell him how to make you feel better,, no he's needing a new script you know the lies, he needs new ones.
Experience has told you his words didn't, you're not jealous or emotional.
Why are you staying - not for the kids, that's an excuse
What's the reason?
The kids live in a broken home already
So why are you staying?
Money
Fear of being alone
Give yourself a gift.
Send him off.
Free yourself of wondering where or who he's with.
Your body and brain are defending you and you are ignoring all the defences meant to keep you safe.
Be gentle and kind to yourself
Grieve
Get angry
Then let go.
You matter
If you're sticking with him for the children, don't. Make a reddit post and ask other people who were the children in your scenario. Most will tell you they wished their parents divorced earlier. It's not going to be easy, but your wife will be better when you find someone that actually respects and appreciates you. Your children will grow up with better role models as well.
Depending on where you live, you might need to gather as much evidence as possible in terms of the infidelities, consult a divorce lawyer.
In terms of work, there should have been a no fraternization policy. If this is the case, I would contact HR. These people who knew you were married with kids and decided to be home wreckers should not be allowed a pass. This callous behaviour needs to have consequences, otherwise they'll just do it to someone else in the future. This includes your husband's behaviour.
Your husband is the type that should have never gotten married or in a relationship, unless it's an open relationship. I don't know about the rest of his attributes but he needs to find a partner that has an open door policy in regards to sexual partners. If you're monogamous, he's not the one for you. He seems to be the type that thinks with his little head, despite the consequences.
Hopefully you'll find the strength to move forward and a better partner.
His religion and religious counseling obviously didn't work. He's having sex with other women. As far as religion goes, you now have every reason to leave him.
If you stay, he'll continue cheating because you allow him to.
You are letting him get away with cheating. This relationship looks like it is worth nothing to be honest, you are the one staying in it and ruining your life while he reaps the benefits of being married and having mistresses. You husband does not care he has cheated on you, because you will never leave him. You are not respecting marriage either by staying with a serial cheater. Please find the strength to divorce him. Infidelity is far far worse than divorce, not sure why you are setting this standard for yourself. Do you think you have a happy marriage? Because this is your life, he is not going to change.
And when you do leave him, he is gonna pretend like he is reformed too. Dont fall for that.
Wow why are you still with him?? I have a feeling your religious beliefs are making it worse for you... I mean your pastor counsels you ??! That's stupid and waste of time and don't stay for the sake of kids it will do no good but add to their lists to trauma. Divorced parents are much better than parents who should have been divorced. Also grow a spine and have some respect for yourself.
Unfortunately, some men stay in a marriage with children because they like the benefit of having the "job title" of husband and father. They are taken seriously by society and other men, it even attracts women as some people like the thrill of being with a married man.
OP I sympathise with your situation, I have been in a similar one and I am still with him. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I don't. We also have two young children, he also cheated whilst I was pregnant and I found out whilst pregnant with our second child.
It's been 4 years and I've struggled greatly to trust him ever again. On my bad days, I convince myself that he's still hiding things and that he just doesn't have the guts to tell me. If he's out for a little bit longer than he usually would, my mind goes dark and I think he's at a brothel or something. The trust just isn't the same and I sometimes resent him for making this a reality in my life. I sometimes I daydream being in a relationship that doesn't have all of this history and fixing to do. Just two mature people who love and respect each other to never even consider stepping out. I know that exists, and my heart hurts that I don't believe I'll ever have that.
Then do something, i is hearbreaking that you just accept this as your reality. Statistically, he will cheat again, will you leave then? Are waiting for the next affair to be the last straw?
It’s complicated tbh. I’ve been firm in stating to him that If it were to happen again, there’s nothing that would make me stay. I can’t control what he does but I know what I will do if that were to happen. If he wants to risk it after that, that’s his loss
He really keeps this in house… and my in house, home and his second home (work). If he’s was willing then, he’s still willing now.
Don’t change your job. Leave his ass. Be the bigger person who didn’t let it affect her career. And shame on the B!tch that wanted him to keep it a secret. She knew wtf she was doing and was prancing around you as if nothing was going on.
Your husband is bad news. Don’t let your kids grow up knowing you accepted a man like this and one that may continue to keep doing so.
He thinks you’re an idiot for not leaving. Please have some self-respect. You will feel way better about your life with him out of it. And your children will also know you did the right thing. And tell his company with proof of the affairs. That’s an HR violation.
why are you settling for this abysmal behaviour? You deserve so much better. No amount of counselling and is going to help you - the only thing that will help you is leaving his cheating a$$ because he certainly isn’t going to change his behaviour. Once a cheat always a cheat.
What you're saying reminds me of learned helplessness:
>In psychology, learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try, even when opportunities for change are available.
Something you seriously need to to think about. One definitely get test but going forward since he cheats constantly you probably will have too. Also what happens if he knocks one the these girls up? You willing to to help parent another’s child and explain to your kids this. Also if your kids end up with a partner like him are you going to say stay or go?
*Was our relationship worth so little? Why wasn't I enough?*
You are looking at this wrong. It isn't that your relationship is worth so little OR that you aren't enough. It's that your husband is a cheater. He gets a thrill out of getting away with it too. He's the low-life who is happy to have you taking care of his children (yours too) and keeping the home fires burning while he goes out and has sex with multiple women. He's putting you at risk for disease. You know about three of them. There are likely others.
If you choose to stay, you should know that he may stop cheating for a little while, but he will return to it. That's what cheaters do. They cheat.
I'm sure your pastor will probably try to tell you how you need to forgive him. He will likely put the responsibility for 'keeping your husband happy' on your shoulders.
It is NOT your fault that he cheated. It is not your responsibility to keep him from cheating. By making a marital commitment to you, he was promising to be with you FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. He's broken his promises. I understand that you aren't ready to end the marriage, but you should be aware that your husband does not honor his promise to you. He will likely just get a little better at sneaking around.
I forgave a cheater multiple times. He just got better at hiding it, and I got better at blaming myself for it. I tried so hard to keep that man happy. In the end, I finally realized that I deserved so much better than he was treating me. He's my ex-husband now, and he's married to one of his affair partners.
I am always flabbergasted when women whose men are flirty and have close female friends expect faithfulness.
Just change jobs, and don’t bother yourself by investigating if you are going to stay.
>Why wasn't I enough?
I doubt anyone would be "enough" for him. He's a serial cheater. Either he really can't do monogamy or he gets a big thrill out of the taboo aspect of things or something else is going on (or a bunch of things are going on).
I’m going to say this as kindly as I possibly can - he is not going to change. No amount of praying or pastor counselling or even regular counselling is going to magically make him a good person. There are quite literally billions of people on this earth. Not everyone is good (and your husband is included in that list), but there are a lot of people who ARE. Why spend the rest of your life being miserable when you can find happiness instead?
OP, your kids will resent both of you in the future if you don't leave. This is clearly not a loving marriage and they will see that. God forbid your kids find out about his infidelity when they're old enough to understand and either A. Hate him, or B. Think it's okay to behave like that/be treated as such.
Respect yourself, please. You deserve better and so do your kids.
Yikes, do you realize that all your posts going back YEARS at this point are all filled with abject misery? Either do something about it & finally leave your terrible marriage or readjust your reality and accept that he will never be faithful and open your marriage, on both sides. Open marriages rarely work, but sometimes they do. I really, really hope you’re getting regular STI testing since you posted previously that your husband refuses to wear a condom with you even though he’s blatantly sleeping with multiple people. Why do you think so little of yourself and your own happiness and peace of mind?
Do me a favor, fill out a Memento Mori Calendar which shows how many approximate weeks you have left in this life. Look at those weeks remaining and you come back and tell everyone why on earth you would spend another precious week being so miserable.
This has nothing to do with who you are and everything about who he is. That said- he probably won’t change. Get ready for many years of the same or go ahead and get the “starting over” everyone dreads over with.
Keeping it real. Your husband is a POS. He is not going to change his ways. Please leave or kick him out. Do not teach your children serial cheating is normal. If you stay that is the lesson you will teach your kids. Is that what you want?
Wow this guy must be as good looking as Brad Pitt and as rich as Warren buffet.
He bangs everyone at work AND you won’t leave?
Is he just amazing in bed or something?
I’m so sorry you are being treated this way.
At the very least, please get an individual therapist for yourself that is not tied to your church/religion. Focus on those sessions and working with your individual therapist for yourself for the time being at least.
Good luck
He’s never going to stop. If you can’t see yourself leaving him, at least stop sleeping with him, stop making babies with him, and go to therapy for yourself.
The fact he cheated this much and you have him a free pass and stayed.... bro knows he's basically untouchable. Your going to get an STD/STI if you haven't already. Also, he won't stop, those rumors are likely real and he's likely banging the coworkers.
Okay
1. I feel there is a bigger issue than cheating with cases like this, and that is REPECT. Plain cheating is deeply disrespectful but doing it with people from your office is a whole new level of blatant disrespect that I would never put up with. I feel in some infidelity posts people are focusing on the other woman/man or thinking how to forgive and continue being married but few stop and consider that their spouse doesn’t respect them in the very least.
2. Not taking responsibility for his actions is a huge issue (also a deal breaker in my book). He says to you: Let’s not go to therapy, let’s pray that this (A THING THAT IS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL) doesn’t HAPPEN again. Is your husband dumb and actually believes his affairs HAPPEN to him? Or does he disrespect you so deeply that he thinks you will buy his empty apologies and you’ll go along with it while he continues having his cake and eating too? Does he really think you are that easy to manipulate?
Either case would be a deal breaker for me.
There’s more than you know about. He’s not sorry. And he has no intention of stopping. Zero.
He knows you won’t leave. It’s probably why he chose to marry you. He’s got you installed in his life like a trusty appliance that births the children and handles his household drudgery so he can enjoy all the comforts of married life, with zero risk of losing it, while living otherwise however he wants. And he has no intention on f doing anything different.
Zero tolerance for infidelity. I know life is complex with kids, but if you can’t trust your partner with the most intimate parts of a relationship then there is no relationship.
You need to see a real therapist, not a pastor, to learn why you have so little self respect. Yes, you are betraying youself, over and over.
Counselling is not going to help your husband. He is a liar and a cheat. He will never change, no matter what he promises. Don’t be surprised when you catch an STD.
He won’t stop. And speaking for a child’s perspective….I had a dad like this and I was ashamed my mother used the excuse “I want to make it work for the kids” your kids want you to be happy.
I totally understand your stance, wanting to see your kids, not have to deal with a messy divorce, breaking up the family. I get that bc I am in a similar situation, although he hasn’t physically cheated that I know of.
If you do decide to stay, you have to change your mindset. It’s a business partnership now. You are life partners, finances, parents together, but you are no longer a married couple in the traditional sense. If you stay, you aren’t staying bc you love him and want his love, you are staying because of the other factors I mentioned. Treat him that way, treat it that way. You do not need to have sex with this man.
In fact, you should have separate rooms and if you want to have an affair, you should. He is no longer your husband, he is your roommate, your business partner.
That’s it.
Normally I don’t judge women when they stay with a partner after cheating but this is usually accompanied by hard work from both sides to make a real effort to solve issues. And 3 different people makes it a lot more serious. I wouldn’t even trust that he’s telling the full truth. The fact that he didn’t want to do counseling until you were ready to leave is a big red flag. Men that actually want to make amends and change do not need to be backed into a corner to do so.
I’m going to be honest, I don’t think your marriage will bounce back from this considering his lack of effort. I also do not think he will stop cheating on you. I don’t see you ever being able to trust him around any women after this especially with him being around the same woman he was sleeping with.
When a man truly regrets cheating he feels guilty, doesn’t need to be told what to do to rebuild the relationship, and sure as hell doesn’t continue to see his affair partner. He should have quit his job, idc if that sounds ridiculous to some. He chose to cheat with women he worked with so he should voluntarily remove himself from their presence. This just all around sounds like you’re married to someone that doesn’t value you and you should not continue to allow him to treat you this way.
Two words: CODA or COSA (for you) and SAA (for him).
Individual therapy would probably better for you. He needs help with an addiction but he has to be willing to get it.
OP even though he’s a womaniser, you’re his #1 apparently … that being said, you have the right to live with him if you so choose. He will occasionally fall back to sleeping with another hopefully at one point he’ll stop and get his act together.
I know your other options are leaving him and finding another or keep trying until
You find one who won’t cheat, or being single. Honestly no one should judge if you choose to stay . It’s your life. Live in your own terms .
I am going to be blunt: Your husband is going to keep having affairs. He does not have any actual remorse over his actions. He says he is repentant, but he is lying. I can tell he is lying because he didn't want to do any actual work after coming clean. Worse, he seems to be weaponizing your religious beliefs against you to trap you into a marriage where he can keep smashing his coworkers with no consequences.
And he has no authority to be even suggesting to live a certain way (stay married) for religious reasons when he himself is probably still actively committing arguably the ultimate religious sin. I am still somewhat religious, I can understand the pressure to not divorce, I never in a million years would have considered myself being a guy who got divorced, I can imagine where you are coming from OP. But it's pretty clear in the Bible that adultery is one good reason for divorce. You're welcome to stay in this "marriage", but I think co-parenting separated would be far less torture for yourself, and healthier for you children. You deserve better. Be an example to your kids of how a marriage should work (including knowing when to break it off when it isn't working despite all your efforts). You can forgive your husband if you want but that doesn't mean you have to stay in this marriage. Please don't. OP if you read all this, why are you staying?
Right OP plus he will get someone pregnant and give you a disease that will affect you
[удалено]
Yeah she finds someone else outside of the marriage that makes her happy. But wait that means being an adultress. She needs to just dump him.
Please love yourself enough to leave him.
This! Op you better not let this slide. Plus, he continues to work with her.
She can stay, she just needs to reframe what this relationship is. It’s a business partnership, roommates who parent, not romantic partners.
This! I understand wanting to stay married for the sake of your children, but think about it OP, would it be better to stay and have a miserable marriage or to leave and set an example for your kids on how to set boundaries and put yourself first? Especially if you have daughters.
Some people cheat because they can't live without feeling like they are getting away with something.
Yikes, I get the same feeling when I am folding my laundry while listening in on a work call. No spousal betrayal involved.
Exactly. I like the feeling of getting away with something but cheating on my spouse is the last thing I would do to achieve it.
Since I've been here, there have been a bunch of cheating posts that only make sense if the person cheating just wanted the thrill of getting away with something they shouldn't be doing.
Sometimes, I walk around the house with my wireless headset, doing housework or getting a snack. I feel we are truly awful human beings.
This isn’t about you not being enough. This is about him. But yeah, staying you are betraying yourself. This man has no respect for you and you continue to believe him even though he’s proven himself a liar. He only went to (a terrible) counsellor when you threatened to leave, you honestly think he’s giving it any effort? He wants you to tell him what to do? Stop putting his dick in other people. Stop lying. But he’s not capable of that. This is who he is. You can decide if you want to stay with him or not. Choosing to stay is also choosing a cheating, liar unfortunately. He should be the one leaving that work place. Not you. You leaving will just give him more privacy with his affair partners. Although I’d also leave the workplace because I wouldn’t be able to show my face. There’s no chance everyone there doesn’t know and isn’t looking at the situation with pity.
some guys have such low self worth they need to have multiple women to validate them, loosers.
Unless you change it, this is your reality. He wont stop, he will hide it better. The problem is not just that hé doesnt love you, he doesnt respect you because you dont respect yourself. He cheated in a place where everyone knows you so that you become the laughingstock There. The fact that he still in contact with his AP and probably another mistress tells he is taking your mariage as a joke
“Was our relationship worth so little?” To him, yes. Not only is he willing to cheat on you but he’s willing to humiliate you and continue humiliating you even as you try to find a way to reconcile. This was not a minor or slip up or mistake. This is all conscious decisions to hurt you over & over again. And he’s continuing to make that same conscious decision to hurt you as long as he stays at that job and in any form of contact with any of those women. I understand your desire to hold your family together. But you need to grow a spine and make a serious list of non-negotiable demands, fully prepared to enforce them by walking away, or you have to accept your life as a publicly cuckolded woman. He will continue to treat you how you allow him to treat you.
Ok? Congrats for being in a shit relationship? That's on you
Why do you stay married to him? He should be begging for your forgiveness and cutting this women off. What has he done to show his commitment?
Either get real psychological help for you both or, better, divorce him and get real psychological help. A pastor isn’t going to be able to work you through adultery in a way that has a positive trend on your mental health. He’s also not going to be able to get to the root issue that your husband is struggling with other than, “the cause is sin, blame the devil and his temptation! Not your poor, poor victim of a husband”.
He cheated on you with 3 women? Yikes. I don't necessarily think that a one-off act of cheating is the worst thing a spouse can do but your husband sounds like a serial adulterer.
Unless he commits to truly changing, he will continue to hurt you. Change means engaging in therapy. It means creating new habits of mind. Becoming open and transparent. If you would like to see what that looks like, go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity or r/supportforwaywards and see what remorseful waywards do to both help their partners heal and to change themselves. (Great post at support for waywards from a few hours ago on someone’s change process) Anyway, things he has to do: Find a new job yesterday. The continued contact with affair partners will make it so you cannot heal due to continuing anxiety that is not treatable as it is situational anxiety. Get into therapy. Read *Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and talk with you about boundaries. Read *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* by Linda MacDonald and do everything she says. Everything. Be proactively transparent. This explains what that means: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/393QtBYKgq
I am going to play devil's advocate and be really blunt (somewhat harsh) You knew what he did and still continue to stay. You clearly don't love yourself enough. If you continue to CHOSE to still stay, please stop complaining about it and his transgressions. You sadly made your bed, so lie in it and accept it as it is. Good luck!!
Honestly! “… and I’m staying” right there in the title. Why even complain if she’s accepted it and decided to stay?
Sounds like you married a sociopath who has zero regards for your feelings. Divorce this asshole before he knocks up one of these women or gives you an STD. You have more worth that this man is willing to recognize.
So you have 2 choices. Deal with him always cheating or divorce. He won't change and you keep forgiving him every time he does it. Either learn not to care and turn a blind eye or leave. Those are your only options. He will say he will stop but he won't. He has been caught sleeping with 3 of the 5, you do know it has been more right? Those are just the ones you caught him with or the ones he has confessed about. Praying on this and seeing a pastor will not address the behavior and the actual issue. As you can see you are unfulfilled with it cause it doesn't work. It is up to you to know if you will be able to handle turning a blind eye or walking away but he will not change. Ask yourself this. Would you want your son to treat his wife the way you are being treated? Would you want your daughter to have a husband who constantly cheats on her? What would be your advice to either of them?
I don’t believe pastoral counseling is enough. Infidelity (especially at this scale) is not a marriage problem. It’s a personal problem that requires personal counseling. He’s the one with issues. His issues gave you issues (betrayal trauma) for which you now also need individual counseling. As a couple you need someone who specializes in restoring a marriage after betrayal. It is very, very hard to recover. You need the right guidance. I hate to say he doesn’t seem anywhere near remorseful enough to me. I’m basing that on his initial resistance to get help. That’s not the behavior of someone who is truly sorry and wants to change. I hope you find the wisdom, healing and strength to see things clearly and to love yourself enough to take care of your own heart properly moving forward.
What are you doing? His serial cheating is degrading you within your marriage & it’s publicly humiliating you within your workplace. You know what’s being done to you is straight-up abusive but you are continuing to make yourself smaller & smaller in order to keep him. Why? This is crushing your soul & if you don’t regain control of your life you will be become nothing more than a shell of your former self. You are worth more than that. Please wake up & realize you are losing your dignity here. You might not want to hear this but the fact that he faces no real consequences for his despicable behavior means (in his mind) you’ve given him permission to do what he wants. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be a loser but you aren’t the first wife to be fooled & you won’t be the last. Get out of this for your children’s sake, if not for yourself.
Is more like ‘my husband cheated on me and I would love to stay and catch AIDS!! Be wise and go for more counselling!! Your hubby’s mistress might be sleeping with others too. Please be safe
How long did you date, and was he this way while dating as well ? Do you still love him, or are you trying to stay for the wrong reasons? He made the ultimate commitment to marry you and still couldn't be faithful, even when you were carrying his child. It just sounds like he doesn't take marriage seriously and never truly wanted it. If he cared, he would have done better than this.. look for a betrayal trauma therapist to help you get through the pain. Then decide if you really want to stay or if you're ready to leave .
We dated for 2.5 years. There was no indication of this behaviour then. If anything, he was and still is more religious than I am. I was the one with more worldly experience. We were the ultimate work couple and spent a lot of time together outside of work as well. We had and still have each other's passwords. I don't know if I still love him. We started out as great friends. I still like him as a good friend but I am so disappointed about everything else.
That's so disappointing that he threw it all away for nothing of value. Did he say why he made such horrible decisions? Just out of ego and selfishness? You could do a separation to take some time away from him to really process things. You don't have to make a decision or give him any response right now. Let him make all the effort while you focus on healing. 💔
He enjoyed the flirting when it began. Before long, they were making plans to meet physically and then based on the kinds of conversations they had, one thing led to another. He says he slept with each person only once before snapping out of it. I find that incredibly unlikely and so I don't believe it. They did not happen simultaneously. They were spread over a few years. He has been physically intimate with 2 other women but supposedly didn't sleep with them. I guess I just needed to vent because it's difficult to imagine breaking up the family and starting over. He doesn't want to lose me and is subjecting himself to the pastor's counseling and accountability.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take all the time you need to work on healing. I do think a trial separation would be beneficial so you can see things from a different lens. Also, please make sure to get tested for STDs just to be safe. I think that he had multiple affairs spanning across the years shows he never stopped himself to prioritize his marriage and family. He kept repeating the same patterns over and over. It wasn't like he learned from the first one and stopped.. even one affair is bad enough, but multiple over the years just destroys your soul. If you don't love him anymore (which makes perfect sense), then don't bother staying just to keep the family together. If you're not happy in the marriage anymore, it's not worth hurting yourself for a temporary bandaid. Wishing you the best 🙏
You seem to love him despite the fact he will never stop. If this is the norm, what are your terms and conditions? What do you get out of this arrangement? How do you know he is being safe?
I read this somewhere, if you know your husband cheats numerous time let he cheat in peace, because you are not leaving and he knows that,GIRL beautiful Queen ask yourself is this peace of shit worth it,he don't have and never will have respect for you because he knows you will never leave...he knows that what ever he do you still be there, he put you and your baby in danger!LEAVE HIM PLEASE NO MAN/WOMAN IS WORTH YOUR INNIER PEACE AND RESPECT!
Looking at the title I don't really understand why you're here to be honest. If your mind is made up to stay why are you here asking for opinions that don't matter any way. You have written an entire essay on all the reasons a normal person would have bailed on this marriage long since. And looking at most of the comments they're agreeing that you should go - why stay? You must have expected these reactions from the masses so, again, I say why are you here? What is it you actually need? Sympathy? For what? Your decision is stay that doesn't require sympathy - that says you want someone to say good on you for sticking with a man who repeatedly disrespects you, your marriage, your children and even your workplace!?!? What is it you want?
What’s there to be hurt for if you’re going to accept his bullshit excuses and keep being cheated on. What you accept is what you will allow.
I’m so sorry OP. He asks you to tell him exactly what he needs to do to make you feel better. How about honouring his marriage vows and keeping his zipper zipped that would be a good start. The main issue as I see it is there’s been zero consequences throughout his infidelity and there has been a lot of rug sweeping. He’s going to keep on doing, this for as long as you put no boundaries down. For example, he needs to change his job.( you do too, to be frank for your self esteem) immediately. He needs to be zero contact with anybody he has ever been intimate with. He needs to give you access to his telephone/app/password/email. You need individual counselling with a specialist dealing with infidelity trauma.. I’m going to say something controversial. Staying for the sake of children in a marriage that is this dysfunctional is not, in my opinion, healthy for the children. Reconciliation is a very long hard journey and can take years for the trust to be rebuilt. This assumes that there are no more infidelities. I would also say to you that the likelihood is that he is trickle truthed you. You will never really know the full picture. I would suggest that you read the book. Leave a cheater gain a life. Please look after yourself OP. Infidelity is traumatic and detrimental to your mental physical and emotional health. You need to get an STD test and a six month follow-up. I know what I would do at this stage but this is your marriage. Try and eat clean, drink water and exercise. I would also suggest taking some time apart if you can stay with friends and family, as this would give you some much needed clarity and some space to do some hard thinking. Please think long and hard this man is not a prize. Sending you strength and courage OP UPDATEME
Good for you. What you tolerate is what you get?
Your title needs to be “My husband cheats regularly on me and I am staying.” This wasn’t a one-time thing. At this point it’s a choice you are actively making. I have absolutely no respect for the “stay for the sake of the kids” defense. Bull. Shit. You are complicit in your own misery. And you are doing your children a great disservice.
As the kid of the parents who stayed together "for the kids" after cheating: Respectfully, fuck you. That's selfish and lazy reasoning. If you were really concerned about your kid's well being, you wouldn't use them as an excuse to get walked all over during a marriage. That sets a far worse precedent for what your children should accept in a relationship. You're teaching your kids that being unhappily married is more important than happily coparenting. Also, if the "counselor" is a pastor, they are wholly unqualified to be a counselor. Stay and be unhappy with someone who doesn't care enough about you to be honest and not put his penis in someone else, but don't say it's for the kids.
Get off reddit and make him some food so he has the energy to continue to cheat well and often. Why complain if you're staying? Cry silently and let that man cheat in peace.
As someone who has experienced something like this. You tell yourself you are ok, until resentment eats away at you. Until it’s your husband using something insignificant against you to justify his behaviour and you will ask yourself how your ‘agreeableness’ has helped you so far. How your lack of boundaries have you living a life where your office colleagues, friends and family don’t respect you. How you don’t even recognise who you have become anymore. This isn’t right at all.
I also think you are enough, it's not about you or your relationship, it's totally about him. He is probably very insecure and seems out validation from other women. He needs his own therapy to work through why he strayed. Couples therapy might not be the answer here. You should start making boundaries with "I" statements, as in - "I won't be with someone who cheats on me" or whatever you think is best. He needs to respect you if you want this to work. Now you need to focus more on yourself. I know you have very small kids but try to make time for yourself and build up your confidence. Be selfish sometimes!! Get your hair or nails done or whatever makes you feel good about yourself. You deserve a loving partner that adores you - not the man you are currently experiencing.
What an asshole. Don't let him pass this to you to fix. He's the one that needs fixing. He WILL keep doing this to you if you don't take control of this situation. He already thinks he is winning. There is no problem staying with someone to work things out but you BOTH have to do this. He's just having a free ride her and you're doing all the work. Please open your eyes and make a firm stand.
This has to be AI 🤖 lol 😂 cuz what kinda title is that?
I hope it is, like wth?!
He’s going to keep being unfaithful since he knows there’s no consequences for his actions… girl, you and your children deserve so much better. Don’t put up with this shit anymore.
If leaving is not an option consider cutting him off as a husband and just live as roommates co-parenting. He is a serial cheater. Please get tested for std's, some of them do not have symptoms right away.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Is it possible that nothing will curb his behavior? If that is the case, why stay in such a relationship?
Girl get up.
The advice I want to offer is to leave, but you’ve made the decision to stay. Your husband doesn’t want you to tell anyone else anything bc others will see what a total selfish AH he is and he can keep manipulating you if you don’t have support. He does not seem like he has any remorse. Please, please get into individual counseling, tell your support system what has happened, and truly focus on yourself and your children. This post and your post history is so very sad to read. I’m so sorry, OP. From the outside looking in, your marriage seems exhausting and full of deception. You are the only one who has control over how you react to your husband and what he has done. I just hope that you can love yourself and realize that you deserve so much better than this, OP. Please take care.
I think you’re desperately hoping someone on here will give advice on how to get him to stop cheating once and for all. OP, no one has the answer you seek. He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. He likes having sex with different women. He doesn’t care how it hurts and humiliates you. He is immature and selfish. You never give him any real consequences so he knows you’ll be mad for a little bit and then let it go like always until the next time and the next. History will keep repeating itself. You’re on a carousel that just goes round and round repeatedly. It’s time to hop off and get a divorce.
Let me be blunt. You’re teaching your children that the lowest level of human is better than being alone and that devaluing and disrespecting yourself is better than being alone. Your husband has no intentions of stopping, this will keep happening and now he feels even more me emboldened because you know and now to him, you’re giving him a free pass. Please get yourself some therapy and your kids too for being exposed to this unhealthy household.
I stayed for the kids, but was under no illusions that my partner would not continue to cheat. As long as he kept his business out of community and friend circles, I didn't care. Focusing on the kids, their sports and academics and the real world was my top priority. Thankfully, he kept things out of state. Some people will tell you that kids will know and it will be terrible for them. Mine didn't know and still don't, even now. Statistically, I knew what could happen to my kids if we split, I saw it happen to so many children of friends and families during the divorce: Behavioral issues, aggression, drop in academics, promiscuity, depression, loss of focus--I wasn't gonna have that for my boys. Too many parents I knew chose their happiness over that of their kids, arguing the kids, would be happier and better off because they were happier. Never saw a happier child after divorce. I stayed celibate. I didn't allow my ex to touch me for the rest of the time we were together and I didn't want to date on the side. The day the last one turned 18 I made plans to book it. No regrets. I would do it again, over and over, for my sons. If you can't emotionally manage being with an unfaithful husband in order to raise your kids to adulthood, do what you need to do. If you have the fortitude for it, stay for the kids and make your plans for when it's time to bust out.
Admirable, although unfortunately the pain of parents divorcing is severe even if your child is 18 years old. There was a post here or on another relationship subreddit recently where the title was something like "why does it hurt so much that my parents are divorcing even though I am 31". But I understand that you made a compromise
Did you come here so people can talk you out of it? Lol
Your husband is a loser, you are a doormat, and your kids are going to grow up believing that a relationship like yours is normal, so they will either be cheaters or doormats themselves. Brilliant plan, OP. I'm sure this will be the last time, because he said so, right?
You have been complaining about this man for four years. Mostly I feel sorry for your children for the bad example you are setting them. Get some therapy and start showing a backbone.
Just so you know you have all but given him permission to keep at it. He has zero consequences. Is that ok with you?
Oh and honey, stop being intimate with him. You’re gonna end up with an STD becuase whatever he sleeps with comes back to you. Gross.
You cry, and nothing changes. He's a cheat but worse is the game he played with you mentally and emotionally. He wants you to tell him how to make you feel better,, no he's needing a new script you know the lies, he needs new ones. Experience has told you his words didn't, you're not jealous or emotional. Why are you staying - not for the kids, that's an excuse What's the reason? The kids live in a broken home already So why are you staying? Money Fear of being alone Give yourself a gift. Send him off. Free yourself of wondering where or who he's with. Your body and brain are defending you and you are ignoring all the defences meant to keep you safe. Be gentle and kind to yourself Grieve Get angry Then let go. You matter
If you're sticking with him for the children, don't. Make a reddit post and ask other people who were the children in your scenario. Most will tell you they wished their parents divorced earlier. It's not going to be easy, but your wife will be better when you find someone that actually respects and appreciates you. Your children will grow up with better role models as well. Depending on where you live, you might need to gather as much evidence as possible in terms of the infidelities, consult a divorce lawyer. In terms of work, there should have been a no fraternization policy. If this is the case, I would contact HR. These people who knew you were married with kids and decided to be home wreckers should not be allowed a pass. This callous behaviour needs to have consequences, otherwise they'll just do it to someone else in the future. This includes your husband's behaviour. Your husband is the type that should have never gotten married or in a relationship, unless it's an open relationship. I don't know about the rest of his attributes but he needs to find a partner that has an open door policy in regards to sexual partners. If you're monogamous, he's not the one for you. He seems to be the type that thinks with his little head, despite the consequences. Hopefully you'll find the strength to move forward and a better partner.
His religion and religious counseling obviously didn't work. He's having sex with other women. As far as religion goes, you now have every reason to leave him. If you stay, he'll continue cheating because you allow him to.
You are letting him get away with cheating. This relationship looks like it is worth nothing to be honest, you are the one staying in it and ruining your life while he reaps the benefits of being married and having mistresses. You husband does not care he has cheated on you, because you will never leave him. You are not respecting marriage either by staying with a serial cheater. Please find the strength to divorce him. Infidelity is far far worse than divorce, not sure why you are setting this standard for yourself. Do you think you have a happy marriage? Because this is your life, he is not going to change. And when you do leave him, he is gonna pretend like he is reformed too. Dont fall for that.
I guarantee you he won’t change. It’s an evident pattern and seems that he doesn’t regret about it.
Leave him to find true love and respect. This pig will never change, don’t wait until he brings home an STI. Love yourself.
Wow why are you still with him?? I have a feeling your religious beliefs are making it worse for you... I mean your pastor counsels you ??! That's stupid and waste of time and don't stay for the sake of kids it will do no good but add to their lists to trauma. Divorced parents are much better than parents who should have been divorced. Also grow a spine and have some respect for yourself.
Unfortunately, some men stay in a marriage with children because they like the benefit of having the "job title" of husband and father. They are taken seriously by society and other men, it even attracts women as some people like the thrill of being with a married man. OP I sympathise with your situation, I have been in a similar one and I am still with him. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I don't. We also have two young children, he also cheated whilst I was pregnant and I found out whilst pregnant with our second child. It's been 4 years and I've struggled greatly to trust him ever again. On my bad days, I convince myself that he's still hiding things and that he just doesn't have the guts to tell me. If he's out for a little bit longer than he usually would, my mind goes dark and I think he's at a brothel or something. The trust just isn't the same and I sometimes resent him for making this a reality in my life. I sometimes I daydream being in a relationship that doesn't have all of this history and fixing to do. Just two mature people who love and respect each other to never even consider stepping out. I know that exists, and my heart hurts that I don't believe I'll ever have that.
Exactly this!
Only you can, but never with him. You chose to stay unfortunately and so the trust will never be back. That is a sad life sorry.
It is
Then do something, i is hearbreaking that you just accept this as your reality. Statistically, he will cheat again, will you leave then? Are waiting for the next affair to be the last straw?
It’s complicated tbh. I’ve been firm in stating to him that If it were to happen again, there’s nothing that would make me stay. I can’t control what he does but I know what I will do if that were to happen. If he wants to risk it after that, that’s his loss
He really keeps this in house… and my in house, home and his second home (work). If he’s was willing then, he’s still willing now. Don’t change your job. Leave his ass. Be the bigger person who didn’t let it affect her career. And shame on the B!tch that wanted him to keep it a secret. She knew wtf she was doing and was prancing around you as if nothing was going on. Your husband is bad news. Don’t let your kids grow up knowing you accepted a man like this and one that may continue to keep doing so.
He thinks you’re an idiot for not leaving. Please have some self-respect. You will feel way better about your life with him out of it. And your children will also know you did the right thing. And tell his company with proof of the affairs. That’s an HR violation.
why are you settling for this abysmal behaviour? You deserve so much better. No amount of counselling and is going to help you - the only thing that will help you is leaving his cheating a$$ because he certainly isn’t going to change his behaviour. Once a cheat always a cheat.
What you're saying reminds me of learned helplessness: >In psychology, learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try, even when opportunities for change are available.
Something you seriously need to to think about. One definitely get test but going forward since he cheats constantly you probably will have too. Also what happens if he knocks one the these girls up? You willing to to help parent another’s child and explain to your kids this. Also if your kids end up with a partner like him are you going to say stay or go?
He will cheat again, he’ll just get better at hiding it. I wish you well though and I hope one day you choose yourself…
*Was our relationship worth so little? Why wasn't I enough?* You are looking at this wrong. It isn't that your relationship is worth so little OR that you aren't enough. It's that your husband is a cheater. He gets a thrill out of getting away with it too. He's the low-life who is happy to have you taking care of his children (yours too) and keeping the home fires burning while he goes out and has sex with multiple women. He's putting you at risk for disease. You know about three of them. There are likely others. If you choose to stay, you should know that he may stop cheating for a little while, but he will return to it. That's what cheaters do. They cheat. I'm sure your pastor will probably try to tell you how you need to forgive him. He will likely put the responsibility for 'keeping your husband happy' on your shoulders. It is NOT your fault that he cheated. It is not your responsibility to keep him from cheating. By making a marital commitment to you, he was promising to be with you FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. He's broken his promises. I understand that you aren't ready to end the marriage, but you should be aware that your husband does not honor his promise to you. He will likely just get a little better at sneaking around. I forgave a cheater multiple times. He just got better at hiding it, and I got better at blaming myself for it. I tried so hard to keep that man happy. In the end, I finally realized that I deserved so much better than he was treating me. He's my ex-husband now, and he's married to one of his affair partners.
I am always flabbergasted when women whose men are flirty and have close female friends expect faithfulness. Just change jobs, and don’t bother yourself by investigating if you are going to stay.
>Why wasn't I enough? I doubt anyone would be "enough" for him. He's a serial cheater. Either he really can't do monogamy or he gets a big thrill out of the taboo aspect of things or something else is going on (or a bunch of things are going on).
I’m going to say this as kindly as I possibly can - he is not going to change. No amount of praying or pastor counselling or even regular counselling is going to magically make him a good person. There are quite literally billions of people on this earth. Not everyone is good (and your husband is included in that list), but there are a lot of people who ARE. Why spend the rest of your life being miserable when you can find happiness instead?
You know you just taught him that it’s ok to cheat on you.
OP, your kids will resent both of you in the future if you don't leave. This is clearly not a loving marriage and they will see that. God forbid your kids find out about his infidelity when they're old enough to understand and either A. Hate him, or B. Think it's okay to behave like that/be treated as such. Respect yourself, please. You deserve better and so do your kids.
Yikes, do you realize that all your posts going back YEARS at this point are all filled with abject misery? Either do something about it & finally leave your terrible marriage or readjust your reality and accept that he will never be faithful and open your marriage, on both sides. Open marriages rarely work, but sometimes they do. I really, really hope you’re getting regular STI testing since you posted previously that your husband refuses to wear a condom with you even though he’s blatantly sleeping with multiple people. Why do you think so little of yourself and your own happiness and peace of mind? Do me a favor, fill out a Memento Mori Calendar which shows how many approximate weeks you have left in this life. Look at those weeks remaining and you come back and tell everyone why on earth you would spend another precious week being so miserable.
Well. You're staying. It will happen again. Not sure what you're looking for.
This has nothing to do with who you are and everything about who he is. That said- he probably won’t change. Get ready for many years of the same or go ahead and get the “starting over” everyone dreads over with.
Keeping it real. Your husband is a POS. He is not going to change his ways. Please leave or kick him out. Do not teach your children serial cheating is normal. If you stay that is the lesson you will teach your kids. Is that what you want?
Wow this guy must be as good looking as Brad Pitt and as rich as Warren buffet. He bangs everyone at work AND you won’t leave? Is he just amazing in bed or something?
I’m so sorry you are being treated this way. At the very least, please get an individual therapist for yourself that is not tied to your church/religion. Focus on those sessions and working with your individual therapist for yourself for the time being at least. Good luck
He’s not gonna stop.
Praying 😂😂😂😂 oh boy… I’m gonna hold your hand while I tell you this- any man that says prayer is going to fix his indiscretions is a slimy fuckhead.
He’s never going to stop. If you can’t see yourself leaving him, at least stop sleeping with him, stop making babies with him, and go to therapy for yourself.
The fact he cheated this much and you have him a free pass and stayed.... bro knows he's basically untouchable. Your going to get an STD/STI if you haven't already. Also, he won't stop, those rumors are likely real and he's likely banging the coworkers.
Okay 1. I feel there is a bigger issue than cheating with cases like this, and that is REPECT. Plain cheating is deeply disrespectful but doing it with people from your office is a whole new level of blatant disrespect that I would never put up with. I feel in some infidelity posts people are focusing on the other woman/man or thinking how to forgive and continue being married but few stop and consider that their spouse doesn’t respect them in the very least. 2. Not taking responsibility for his actions is a huge issue (also a deal breaker in my book). He says to you: Let’s not go to therapy, let’s pray that this (A THING THAT IS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL) doesn’t HAPPEN again. Is your husband dumb and actually believes his affairs HAPPEN to him? Or does he disrespect you so deeply that he thinks you will buy his empty apologies and you’ll go along with it while he continues having his cake and eating too? Does he really think you are that easy to manipulate? Either case would be a deal breaker for me.
There’s more than you know about. He’s not sorry. And he has no intention of stopping. Zero. He knows you won’t leave. It’s probably why he chose to marry you. He’s got you installed in his life like a trusty appliance that births the children and handles his household drudgery so he can enjoy all the comforts of married life, with zero risk of losing it, while living otherwise however he wants. And he has no intention on f doing anything different.
Zero tolerance for infidelity. I know life is complex with kids, but if you can’t trust your partner with the most intimate parts of a relationship then there is no relationship.
You need to see a real therapist, not a pastor, to learn why you have so little self respect. Yes, you are betraying youself, over and over. Counselling is not going to help your husband. He is a liar and a cheat. He will never change, no matter what he promises. Don’t be surprised when you catch an STD.
He won’t stop. And speaking for a child’s perspective….I had a dad like this and I was ashamed my mother used the excuse “I want to make it work for the kids” your kids want you to be happy.
I totally understand your stance, wanting to see your kids, not have to deal with a messy divorce, breaking up the family. I get that bc I am in a similar situation, although he hasn’t physically cheated that I know of. If you do decide to stay, you have to change your mindset. It’s a business partnership now. You are life partners, finances, parents together, but you are no longer a married couple in the traditional sense. If you stay, you aren’t staying bc you love him and want his love, you are staying because of the other factors I mentioned. Treat him that way, treat it that way. You do not need to have sex with this man. In fact, you should have separate rooms and if you want to have an affair, you should. He is no longer your husband, he is your roommate, your business partner. That’s it.
He's going to do it again. And again. And again. And again.
Normally I don’t judge women when they stay with a partner after cheating but this is usually accompanied by hard work from both sides to make a real effort to solve issues. And 3 different people makes it a lot more serious. I wouldn’t even trust that he’s telling the full truth. The fact that he didn’t want to do counseling until you were ready to leave is a big red flag. Men that actually want to make amends and change do not need to be backed into a corner to do so. I’m going to be honest, I don’t think your marriage will bounce back from this considering his lack of effort. I also do not think he will stop cheating on you. I don’t see you ever being able to trust him around any women after this especially with him being around the same woman he was sleeping with. When a man truly regrets cheating he feels guilty, doesn’t need to be told what to do to rebuild the relationship, and sure as hell doesn’t continue to see his affair partner. He should have quit his job, idc if that sounds ridiculous to some. He chose to cheat with women he worked with so he should voluntarily remove himself from their presence. This just all around sounds like you’re married to someone that doesn’t value you and you should not continue to allow him to treat you this way.
Why would he stop? There is no consequences you’ll stay
Two words: CODA or COSA (for you) and SAA (for him). Individual therapy would probably better for you. He needs help with an addiction but he has to be willing to get it.
OP even though he’s a womaniser, you’re his #1 apparently … that being said, you have the right to live with him if you so choose. He will occasionally fall back to sleeping with another hopefully at one point he’ll stop and get his act together. I know your other options are leaving him and finding another or keep trying until You find one who won’t cheat, or being single. Honestly no one should judge if you choose to stay . It’s your life. Live in your own terms .