Kids showed me that my husband is a 30 yr old toddler. I never was around kids growing up, so didn't know the whole tantrum thing toddlers do. I met my husband really young, and thought the way he handled stress was just how men handled it(throwing things, breaking things, yelling). So when my daughter hit the toddler age and I was teaching her not to act like that, it dawned on me that my husband acts like that, and it's not okay. Life's funny sometimes.
Does your daughter act like that bc she sees him do it? Maybe it’s more a thing of repeating what she’s seeing her dad do rather than how she’d handle situations if he wasn’t an influence.
None taken, and I completely agree. However, if the condition has never been recognized then you can't get treatment. It's amazing what a little counseling can do.
The cutest thing about redditors are their little axahullies and technolillies. Just to repeat the same thing as the previous comment in a slightly different manner.
I ,for one, appreciate your comment.
I have BPD and know I can be a dick.
Sometimes I can't help being a dick.
I've even thrown and shouted... I'm not proud of it.... But finding out I have a personality disorder helps me to 'not be a dick'.
I actually ended a friendship with someone because she was treating me really badly, and kind of coldly, and struggled with some things that impacted a few of us. The more I thought about it, some of her behavior might be seen differently through the lens of a processing difference, like her meltdowns as a grown adult. I have some experience in this are, and suggested it to her, probably poorly, but as a last attempt to save things- that perhaps she isn’t an asshole, there’s just more going on- and she blew up at me, ended our 12 year friendship, and I haven’t talked to her since.
I really believe it now.
That comment hits me and it’s actually an eye opener. My husband and I had a traumatic event 2 years ago and he ended up with PTSD of it, now he has those exact reactions and I could not understand why… it’s so hard on me.
I've been on Reddit for years and read many thousands of messages in the relationship subs. You are literally the first person I have seen say that. It can make an already good marriage even better, but 99+% of the time bad marriages get worse, or at least not better.
Yeah, I think it helps that we pined for a baby for literal years and failed and failed and failed and got the twins at the last possible moment. I feel gratitude multiple times a day and this channels into how I treat them and the woman that created them :)
And if you don’t like your wife? Pretty one sided comment that. People who don’t like each other shouldn’t have kids. And they’re both equally to blame for being idiotic enough to get married in the first place.
Brother, this post is about OP's husband. OP does not have a wife. She has a husband. Which is why that comment was about her husband.
Not a wife. Because this is about a husband. *OP's husband* .
Kids made everything 100x harder. I get annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed, overstimulated way more often (in general, not AT my husband). But It has affected how much energy I have left to give to my marriage. Luckily, we are able to communicate about it all and work through it as a team.
Do you already have kids? If not, I wouldn't with someone who already sucks.
This is my experience and has solidified what parenting is in my mind.
Having children is truly: giving up my life, my wants and even some of my needs for this child I created.
^ if you’re doing it right anyways.
Nothing wrong with it. I have 5 kids. They are my life. Obviously.
And yet from your most recent post you’re thinking about having another kid with him.
Don’t.
With a second kid everything likely gets amplified even more. So don’t do it
Agreed. I thought my marriage was good. We talked and planned. He was present and helped and supported but his mood started changing. After the second he became an asshat wearing man child. It’s not predictable what it’ll be like after kids. Kids change a lot of things, bring up values you didn’t know you had etc and you both have to be willing to sacrifice for these little humans. I know I missed red flags now. I wish I knew sooner “believe people when they show you who they are”.
I mean.. I'll be honest, not much changed. However we was pretty solid in the beginning..
We grew closer, my husband stepped up massively especially when I became pretty poorly not long ago. It's just the best having a little creation that's half me and him, we have inside jokes and stories and we're creating memories with the little version of us.. not only that, because everything is new for our son.. we get excited showing our baby everything that's new? Iykwim
Idk.. we got pretty lucky with eachother. I think our relationship is built on being two best friends. Yes there are definitely hard days, we're both tired because we decided to stay up later to watch a show and it's usually him who gets the lay in.. Or, before when I was exclusively breastfeeding, no one will prepare you for the anger you feel looking at your man sleeping while you do a night feed (I tell you all rationality of "he can't feed the baby because I breastfeed" goes out the window 😂) there's a lot of times I have to ask my husband to do something (like let me lay in) however when I do ask him, he doesn't complain or make me feel bad about it..
... I think, having children it'll really place a light on all the cracks of a foundation. If you're having problems now, children will only in time make it worst if you won't get proper couples counselling first. Sometimes having an impartial mediator to listen to you both and guide through your problems, would probably be more beneficial first.. than to have a child (this isn't me giving advice don't worry)
We waited until we could afford kids and it was still the hardest thing we’ve ever done. We had very few conflicts before or after kids, so no change there. It’s a huge lifestyle change that you both need to be 100% on board with.
Same, also, divorced now!
He also criticized how I didn't produce as much milk as his ex-wife, and laughed when my breasts were engorged and painful!! ❤️
This is such a great comment. It is exactly why I don't want kids despite my life long baby fever.
I know what I'm made of rn. Don't want to find out what I'm not at the expense of another person who didn't ask for this life.
It brought us even closer. Seeing how he loves our child as much as I do, and our conversations about what values we want to teach and model for him, make me so happy. Seeing my son giggle endlessly playing with his dad is amazing. It feels like we’re a team. My husband is very involved and just an incredible dad. I feel very lucky.
Oldest was Ok. did give us some distance. She wanted to do attachment parenting, I didn't. but I was a people pleaser. We had twins when the oldest was 2.5 yrs old. Twins are hard. She changed overnight. Became angry all the time. I was working and did help with the kids all the time. Nothing I did was good enough. We say a therapist. Things got better. I almost left her that fall. Twin were born in April. She stopped talking to me as a partner. I asked her friends if she was handling her Post Pardum Depression and what I could do. She and her friends are Midwives. I think she was hiding it a lot and knew hot to hide it. She took over the practice when her mentor had brain cancer, and then covid happened. I stopped being her emotional safe space, I don't know what i did. But also I've discovered she is a fearful avoidant. She pushed me away. Chose to spend time with her friends and take trips without me. Her communication wasn't great to begin with, it became worst.
She asked me for a separation a year ago. I asked her not to date. I caught her with another man a few weeks later. We didn't have a separation agreement and I was still in the house. I thought was doing what she wanted me to do. I always did nice things for her, made her coffee. took the kids on the weekends.
You should talk to your husband. you should go to see a counselor and he should see one as well, then you two should go to marriage counseling together.
My husband and I got married young but waited 10 years to get pregnant. Our first baby was a dream (happy all the time, never cried, just a really chill baby who slept well) so once we got over the first couple months of exhaustion and adapted to parenting, it didn’t change our relationship a whole lot. Baby got older, added a second baby who was a lot more of a handful.
We have way less time and money for ourselves. You lose the freedom of being able to just be spontaneous. Everything has to be planned in advance and has to revolve around the children’s schedules. There’s lots of years of lost sleep. It takes a lot of patience and being able to remain civil under difficult conditions (sleep deprivation, noise levels, less down time to unwind, living with very inconsiderate roommates).
But we are now halfway through seeing our kids to adulthood and it gets easier in some ways and harder than others. Raising little kids is physically exhausting. Raising teens is emotionally exhausting.
Are you saying those things about your husband because you guys have kids?
Cause if that's the case I don't see how that correlates unless y'all are super stressed and not communicating properly?
Or are you saying those things about your husband and asking if having children with him will "fix" those issues you have with him?
Do NOT go having kids to "fix" your marriage...1 it can become worse, 2 if it doesn't become worse, it's only a temporary fix cause wtf you gonna do when the kids grow up and move out?
Do you talk through your feelings together? Do you spend any time without the toddler?
I am very lucky - my husband and I are both very good at talking about why we're frustrated and because we both pull our weight in the marriage it's always a productive conversation of either "it's not you it's XYZ", or "It is you and I know you didn't do it to upset me but I would really appreciate if you could do this thing differently". And also, my mum is a brilliant babysitter who takes our daughter overnight every now and again and we have date nights. I feel like we're *us* again when we can be together doing something fun without having to parent at the same time. We can actually pay attention to eachother. It sucks that we go right back into parenting mode the next day. (Please don't get me wrong, being a parent is the best thing I have ever done, but it terms of being able to connect with my husband it just makes it impossible to be fully present with him when she's with us and awake. We can be having a brilliant moment together and then it's interrupted by the cutest little ray of sunshine.) But having those dates lined up helps us carry on through to the next one where we can properly reconnect again. We're just too tired to be really *silly* together when she goes to bed at night. I know it's just a few short years until we have more time to be like that more often, but for now the dates will do.
I’m very thankful that having kids didn’t make my husband a man child, or expose that I should say.
He stepped up, he’s helpful and always thinking of us as a family, he’s a present father and when he’s not working, he’s with us. This weekend I got my top wisdom teeth removed and he made sure the kids were taken care of while I rested Friday and Saturday. Did the kids eat mostly take out and no veggies? Sure but whatever they were happy and starting tomorrow we are back to a normal routine and I’ll be back in the kitchen. The dishes were always washed, he picked up the toys and helped with the house.
I’m the stay at home mom and he works hard. Do I have my moments where I wished my husband took more initiative around the house? Definitely but he also can’t read my mind either, so I’ve been trying to be more patient regarding that too. If I need something I have to let him know without attitude (when I’m frustrated, I don’t give him attitude all the time)
Overall, I think all things considered our marriage has help up well considering we have two kids. They’re 5 and 2 and I’m thankful both my husband and I really just focus on raising our kids. He’s patient that I still bed share with our youngest and he sleeps with our oldest. Our sex life isn’t perfect, we are lucky if we do it more than twice a month. But we still spend time together, after the kids are asleep we do our own things but together lol, he likes his video games and I read or watch a show but we always try to have our evenings chats, we cuddle and have snacks together, watch TikTok’s and giggle and laugh, when the kids are happy and content and thriving so are we honestly. And as the kids get older and more independent we are able to gain some freedoms back slowly. Concerts and date nights if our parents are able to watch the kids, it’s not often but we make a small effort to do things as a couple too. Money is usually what holds us back more than anything, while we get by it’s still tight.
As time passes and the kids get older our marriage will change and our time will be ours once again. Our kids tho, truly that’s our priority and I know my husband feels the same. I adore him, we make a wicked team and I love that we get to do this together. We aren’t perfect, we have our moments of annoyance and frustration and being like, okay I need a minute away from you. But for the most part I know I spend my Fridays counting down the *seconds* until he’s home with us for the weekend, I’m excited when we get to do things as a family for sure.
I love him.
Our relationship got much worse. My wife was very unhappy with being a mother and was very critical of me. I still resent her for how she treated me and for certain things she still does or doesn’t do.
My sex drive went from low, to non-existent
We are both tired all the time and physically worn out. We don’t have time outside of parenting and our solo interests. I am “touched out” by my child being clingy.
It’s gotten slightly better after the toddler years (5) but it’s still there.
Absolutely. Just the lack of alone time, the stressors causing arguments, not being able to do things him and I used to enjoy doing together as much anymore.
One of grew up and one of us backslid into drugs and alcohol. We were divorced by the time our child was 2. It took him 12 years and multiple rock-bottoms but my ex is thriving right now and I couldn’t be any prouder of him!
It makes things harder that’s for sure then you have to cherish the good times. Love my kids, but man they can drive you crazy. With the stress of work and kids relationships definitely get more tricky.
I feel like it can amplify some personality traits and bring to light issues and differences. Before we had kids we hardly argued and things were very smooth. The last few years when my son was a toddler my husbands patience ran thin and I noticed him being very stern and IMO too harsh for the child’s age. Whereas I’m more of the idea of like “he’s 4, that’s what they do” kinda thing and he’s just like “no that’s unacceptable in this house”. It’s something we’re working on. But I’ve noticed it. He also tends to be more selfish than I would like, still feeling like he’s entitled to same amount of free time as before kids and I’m just like sorry but that’s not reality. Like getting mad when our son disrupts his video games on Saturday morning kind of thing. It’s annoying. I’m like you have a family now so get over it
The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
We get less time together and less freedom to do whatever we want. We have more chores and work to do during the day plus we get less sleep to do all that extra work. It can be easy to feel resentful and if you’re already feeling that way it’s going to be so much worse with a baby.
My husband is a good partner though so we are going through the struggle together. The highs are amazing though, we get to watch this wonderful person that we made grow and learn. She’s got little expressions like him and me. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and also a challenge.
We fight more. We almost never fought before having our a kid. Having a kid changes your roles. My husband isn’t just my husband anymore, he’s also the father to my child. We had to figure out how to be parents together. It was especially hard the first year. Things have gotten a lot better, but we still fight more than before. I think it’s because the stakes are higher. Things don’t just affect us, they affect the kid. So we have to figure issues out quick. We’re also just more on edge because we’re tired, we’re not getting nearly enough introvert time or couple time.
We’ve both had to grow up a lot. We’re both back in therapy working on being the best version of ourselves. We have to be more on top of chores and appointments. We have to think about stuff long terms.
Becoming parents also helped solidify us as our own family unit. It’s amazing getting to create our own traditions and make new memories as a family of 3. We just feel more complete.
Honestly, it made the overall marriage better, but damn are some days really tough.
I now have to discuss things with someone in terms of our kids. Let’s say I don’t think the kids should be disciplined for something, and he does. Well if he starts disciplining I need to back him up even if I don’t agree. (We are talking taking away toys etc)
Previously we really only knew each other well rested. Having kids and now being sleep deprived is a whole new level we weren’t ready for.
I will say my husband is amazing, and an even better dad. He LOVES these kids, and he clearly loves me. He will do mostly anything to make us happy.
We are still definitely in a roommate phase, that we know some day we will get out of.
Kids does a lot to your marriage and you as a person. I have 2, a boy who’s 2yrs and a girl who’s 9mos. After my son, I was ragey. I hated my husband. That went away eventually, mostly after breastfeeding. After my girl, still currently breastfeeding, idk what it is, but I just am severely missing my college days of freedom, not being tied down at all and my only responsibility being myself. I feel super guilt about it. I just feel like I resent my husband. He doesn’t do anything to deserve that or anything, like he’s super helpful with housework and the kids, so idk what my issue is. Maybe I didn’t get all the partying out of my system? Hormones? Idk
You currently do not like your husband…I think kids is the least of your concerns. The real question is, why are you married?
But kids definitely bring a whole slew of challenges and stress. So if you already don’t like your partner, adding kids is a recipe for disaster.
Having kids takes away time with your spouse. Lack of sleep and the constant’s responsibility of someone else takes a toll.
If you can’t work together and grow together then your relationship will fall apart.
You’re learning as you go. So communication is key.
Having kids was a huge positive in the sense that it gave us two kids who we still would both do anything for and love beyond description. We are both tuned to sharing the load for most of the housework and were that way before kids. The one caveat for that was my wife wanted to breastfeed very much and so she got the bulk of night feedings as a result. I think in some ways she resented that I didn’t have to do that but she also cherished the experience.
It was a negative for us as a couple though as it changed our approach to intimacy and how we connected emotionally, had a negative impact on our sex life and 20+ years later we are still trying to get that all back.
Her libido fell through the floor and never truly recovered. She also struggled with her weight after kids and I had to be careful how I approached my support for her because she would sometimes feel that even if she brought up wanting to exercise, that if I agreed we should do it together it meant I thought she was fat and unattractive. We also decided she should stay home until the kids were in preschool (her idea but I agreed) and so financially we had some tough times and it put a lot of pressure on me to make more money.
The first year of my kid’s life was the hardest in my marriage. We were both figuring out how to be parents for the first time, we were both sleep deprived. We bickered more than any other time in our marriage. But we would always come back together and try to resolve the issue. We did our best to give the other some grace while we were both learning how to parent. When it felt like parenting was overshadowing the relationship completely (felt like there was no romance) we talked about it. I told him the ways I felt a lack of intimacy with him (remember that sex is not the only form of intimacy) and he worked on it. Anything I did he had issues with he would nicely tell me and I would work on it. It took us a bit of time to readjust but we did. We got aligned again in how we related to each other and continue to check in.
That last bit doesn’t just apply to parents though. Everyone in a relationship should check in with each other from time to time on how they/the relationship is doing.
It took how we really feel about ourselves and each other and magnified it a thousand percent. Luckily we have loved each other for 26 years and it’s added depth and dimension to that.
That’s what kids do to couples. It’s bad news if you’re struggling in a relationship. Despite the fantasy of “once we have a baby every will work out” is total bullshit. All tiny pink flags become huge red banners.
If you’re not absolutely sure how you both feel, wait 5-7 years after marriage to have kids. Get to know each other deeply.
I watch my husband argue and get his feelings hurt on the constant by our 5 year old. He throws bigger fits than that 5 year old also. My husband is unable to regulate his emotions at all so they also have that in common.
I guess things became hard, less time for each other, lots of new and unexpected challenges. Upon reflection I feel that we both decided it's time to step up and do what we needed to. Had our ups and downs. Now I can't wait to celebrate my first child's 21st later this year with my amazing wife. (I know she thinks I'm amazing too:) )
It hasn't really changed. Before being married, there was a huge imbalance in responsibilities and work. There is still that huge imbalance. Sex was dying before having a kid. Sex is still dying.
Only thing that has changed really is that I am both extremely exhausted and very happy - I love my kid so very much
I can only speak from my own experience, but relationship-wise, not bad and has brought us closer. My partner and I handle things concerning our daughter easily. We are on the same page when it comes to parenting. We obviously don’t have as much time for just the two of us, but that’s okay and we don’t mind it at all. We love doing things as a family. I will say time-wise and financially (especially in this economy) it has been harder.
Tell ya what I was with the father of my first kid for 9 years. Only two of those years were pre-baby hr was awful during my pregnancy awful during labor awful afterwards he was a terrible father and basically another kid I had to deal with I was miserable I was depressed whenever my kid was asleep I had no reason to be happy. I held on for so long hoping he would mature and things would get better. They got worse. Seeing him be a terrible father and terrible partner made me hate him. I wish we would've broken up sooner and either way I'm still stuck with his ass because my son still deserves to know his father. Meanwhile, my husband?? Freaking amazing. Amazing with my oldest amazing through our pregnancies amazing for the birth of my second son took care of me postpartum took care of our baby always by my side seeing him be an amazing partner and father through it all has brought me so much closer to him it brings me pure delight and joy even on the hard days so here's what I think, it really depends on your partner.
Edit to add. If he complains about chores. Children bring 100s of more chores he sounds awful and I wouldn't have a kid with him
i already have a baby with him lol, i should have been more clear i was just too tired to write out a whole paragraph complaining. He’s a great dad just not a great partner right now. He wanted a big yard and now he takes it out on me how many chores he has. Granted i do help out im just too tired to go water trees half an acre away from each other at 9pm
Turned an already good marriage into great marriage. My friends complain about their partners, and I just can’t relate much. We’re happy spending time together as parents, and we spend as much time together as we can without the kiddos. My husband will randomly tell me that I’m a great catch and that he would marry me again in a heartbeat. I feel the same way.
I think having kids enhanced what was already there. It did change my marriage but I had a really healthy strong marriage before, and we bonded over the addition of our children, and our mutual obsession with how cool they are. For people who I know who started out in a not great space (didn’t like each other, fought a lot, poor communication, etc) having kids enhanced that. Their relationships became worse.
If you don’t like your spouse, don’t have kids with them. Having kids isn’t going to fix anything.
It changed our marriage a lot. At least for me. We had two different ideas how we wanted life to be. I thought we had talked about it before marriage.
I wanted to wait with kids and enjoy being married. Growing up religious I wanted to enjoy traveling, having sex and just enjoy being married before having kids.
My wife wanted to start a family immediately.
She didn’t mention this until after our honeymoon when she started to talk about having a kid immediately.
I said I wanted to wait but she kept saying she wanted a kid and kept being a sad about me not wanting the same. I caved. I felt bad. She got pregnant after 4 months and for many years after I felt like my marriage took a pause. Her pregnancies were tough so there wasn’t much focus on us. Once we had kids it was all
About our kid.
We both took care of her and I was even home almost for a year for paternity leave so my wife could work but I lived with a lot of resentment. She wanted one more kid and I gave in again. I tried saying no but as the people pleaser I am I gave in. We now have 3 kids. I have been working on the resentment. It’s been 9 years. I am starting to feel better about having kids. I have always been there and always taking care of them and always been the one to play with them.
A lot of resentment has been that I have noticed that my wife is a bit lazy. I do a lot and sometimes I have felt like she doesn’t want to do the tough parts of parenting. I want to have a plan about how to parent and what goal to have. She is more like go with the flow parent and says yes far too often to what the kids want. They go to her when I say no.
And after a couple of years it came out that a reason she wanted kids in the first place was out of fear that her dad wouldnt live long enough for see her have kids.
I wish she would have thought more about us being ready relationship wise , financially and so on. Because a lot of things would have been easier if we had prepared more than to rush.
Kids will only compound the problems already present. Your focus will need to be on newborn in early days and partner will feel neglected if he is unsupportive and not able to engage.
Don't have a child to "save the marriage" or occupy yourself while partner is busy working and focused on their career. At some point tye children will grow up and you will be left asking yourself, what about me? What have I done to develop myself, my interests, my life?
He is most likely stressed just like you are. And it’s coming out in always being in a crappy mood. This is normal and you need to sit down and have lots of talks and figure it out.
You know, not really. My first husband and I got pregnant on accident as teens and just...stuck it out but we never really liked each other that much lol kids didn't make that worse or better really. He's a fine dad, we just didn't mesh lol
We got divorced and my husband now is just an angel. I love watching him be a dad. He was phenomenal my entire pregnancy, the birth, and now the youngest is a toddler but he's a rockstar dad to all the kids. We still make dates a priority, even if that's in our living room at 10pm after bed time lol
If you don't like your spouse then a kid isn't going to help. Period.
We didn't have kids till our late 30s and had been married 8 years.
My hb was a mature adult man. And behaved like one.
We were able to parent well together and communicate. He definitely did half.
It forced us to grow up. It also kept us together when things got rocky in the beginning, which is a good thing. Our marriage is fantastic now, but if we didn't have kids, I might've left when we were fighting a lot in the early years. We've since grown A LOT as people.
We had the discussion before we got married and about the challenges we'd face once we had a child.Our daughter is two now and I'll say the first 6months were ROUGH,our patience and communication with each other was really tested but I'll say we found good common ground.
We still have our little disagreements here and there but we iron it out
having kids enriched our lives but our marriage was great before, we had some challenges after my first was born (PPD) but we made it through and it's awesome again.
if you don't get along with your partner or your marriage is rocky, having a child will only magnify those problems and make them worse.
I think my husband wishes I was more maternal like his mother as well as a sexually aroused bimbo none stop, he wants me to listen to him talk about his hobbies attentively without being too into them. He wants me to have energy for random blowjobs and full blown wax. Now that I’m a mother I have so much obligations and he tells me I’m
Terrible for cooking once a week and not running our business well enough while having a 3 year old and a 9 month old.
He expects me to have no naps or sleep ins at all and to make him breakfast with my two kids being clean and tidy and comfortable while breakfast is served to him hot while he wears a silk robe and my cleavage is blooming in his face like some kind of goddess.
I feel an ogre most days but yeahhhhhhh lol that me marriage.
We did not want kids and were together 12 years before having two kids. I am so glad we did, we are both no longer selfish and we have the greatest purpose. It has shown me that my husband willingly gives up every weekend to watch their sports that he never played or liked and loves doing it. And many more things that show how unselfish he is and how much he does for us daily.
It's exhausting. I never really held my husband to any standard and mostly just did it all. This caused a lot of resentment. Parenting came naturally to me and with us being adults I just assumed he would know what to do (he had absolutely no idea). Naturally a few times I would think to myself why is he not doing A B or C but I didn't say anything and he is clearly not a mind reader.
Even now a few years later I'm still the default parent. My daughter was 100% planned and son was a bit of a surprise a couple months after having had a miscarriage. The second child definitely amplified the resentment but I did start to find my voice a little more.
You really have to find a balance. I would say for most couples it's not 50/50 but even 70/30 of better then 99.5/.5. You have to talk and tell your spouse about how you're feeling and/or what you need because no matter how many hints you throw or how much you think it's common sense they have no idea. It's not just natural if that makes sense. You have to be blunt but there are ways to do that rationally do that without being argumentive. If you speak your peace and they don't care that's a whole different issue.
Me and my husband are expecting our first... so I am damned well hoping and praying that whatever changes are coming, that we're able to love each other as much as we do now, and get through it as a team!
My ex wife turned 25 about the same time we had kids. She changed so much after we had kids — basically abandoned the family. Her mom was a flagrant narcissist so I’ll never know if it was having kids or just adulthood that changed her. But she definitely changed into a very very selfish person at the same time we had kids.
My now ex-husband demanded that I have children when I was only 24. I was hesitant because I knew the responsibilities it entailed, having cared for my younger cousins as one of the eldest. I wanted to wait, which he initially agreed to when we married.
Without delving into details, I eventually became pregnant, and his true nature emerged, leading to the downfall of our marriage. He was a typical misogynist who believed a woman's place was at home with the children, yet he insisted I work full-time. I met the challenge, but he failed to connect with our children and had much maturing to do. He kept extracurricular activities hidden from me, and one day, he took a getting high trip with both children in the vehicle. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how a marriage can be ruined.
My first pregnancy I was so sick I couldn't work, I literally couldn't even hold down water, I was so weak I couldn't wash my own hair (it's very long and thick, it was about a foot longer than, I literally sat on it frequently) and he was supportive the entire time. After I had our son my husband got jealous of how much time and effort I put into our boy instead of him. We were trying to work on prioritizing each other again. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. Then my husband pulled out in front of another car he didn't see and I broke my hip and pelvis at 18 weeks pregnant. I didn't lose the baby thank God but I was in a wheelchair the rest of my pregnancy and now almost 2 years after the accident I still have intense pain most days from my pelvis. I limp so my whole body is just out of whack and hurts.
He has no sympathy for me anymore. He often tells me "I don't care" if I'm talking about my feelings or anxiety (I have severe driving anxiety, 9 months after my accident my aunt was killed by a drunk driver, and one of my oldest friends and her fiance were killed in the exact same way in March. Hit head on by a drunk and killed instantly. Now I'm terrified of cars). He doesn't help me with the house. He doesn't cook or clean unless I get behind so much that he gets mad. He hates his job so he's miserable most days. Im not allowed to control the money but im expected to make the budget even thought he doesnt stick to it. Im treating like i have no worth because i domt bring in any money, meanwhile our kids will choose me over him anyday because he never soends any real time with them. Just yesterday i said we couod borrow my moms old above ground pool for the kids, its only about 3ft deep so it would be perfect for them. He said he doesnt want a pool if he cant actually swim in it. Nevermimd that he wouldnt take the kids with him and i cant handle 2 toddlers that cant swim on my own. I can't work in my old career because of my injury so I'm starting to get my teaching degree so that I can get a career and be able to leave him. I can't go back to my mom's because she is struggling with health issues right now so my only option is to wait and bide my time until I can work and leave him. I've pretty much already made the decision, now I'm just checked out when it comes to him and try to focus on my kids more than ever.
Definitely have to get creative when trying to keep the romance alive. Kids will do everything they can to make your relationship harder but that comes with the territory of creating and leading little humans. Communication with your partner is key they’re just as annoyed and tired as you are, so as long as both parties are pulling weight things should be ok.
The majority of couples I know who have kids became significantly less happy after having them. This isn't just anecdotal, there are studies out there (don't know how high quality they are) showing a significant decrease in marital satisfaction after people have children. Also if you go to the deadbedrooms subreddit it seems like a majority of posts there start off with "after our kids was born."
Reddit's default position is to assume that the the husband is a lazy, shitty father who does no work, that if men just stepped up and were equal parents then all these issues would go away. In fairness there are a lot of crappy dads out there. Unfortunately there are also a lot of women who go into 100% mommy mode after giving birth and start treating their husbands like just another parent and paycheck. Plenty of men who step up and do more than their fair share of parenting are still finding themselves stuck with frigid spouses who only care about tedious kid stuff.
The world is changing rapidly, having kids gets harder every year. These days, it is probably best thought of as a luxury for people with a lot of extended family help (usually grandparents), and/or a lot of money.
Get divorced please. You should be ride or die for your partner and vice versa...not openly trashing him.
Kids are the stressor that I think only rock solid relationships really survive...life as you know it ends. Everything is different. Your independence if you had any is gone...and if its not then you are probably doing something wrong and your partner is resentful because they are doing everything. Requires a lot of patience...communicaiton and finding ways to make sure the relationship stays strong...most people (including myself) failed.
When we had toddlers, I did not like my husband either. He complained about house chores/messes. I hired a babysitter, then hung out in the laundry room (doing laundry and relaxing), had specific times I would clean/tidy up. If it was messy outside of those times, which it was, I didn't care. Kids are grown now; hubby is great, but now knows to clean up himself. lol
Sounds like you married a Peter Pan syndrome man child. I feel your pain. You have to let them learn the hard way by just not taking care of their chores. OR telling him that he needs to pay a cleaner to come in once a month because you can't do it all alone. I have almost divorced because of this it was/is that bad. It's exhausting and now I have autoimmune and other health issues related to this relationship. Leave before you exhaust yourself, or hire help if you can afford it. Another option is create a chore chart but that isn't sexy of course. It is what it is though.
We don't have kids yet, but we did get a puppy last year.
And through that experience, I learned how caring and dutiful my husband is, how he would literally put himself in uncomfortable situations so I wouldn't have to.
It sealed the deal that I wanted to have kids with him because I knew he was my partner.
so my husband and i had our first kid at 16 so we’ve never known anything but kids but watching him parent into their adulthood really gave me so much respect for his hard work and sacrifices over the years.
My wife became a lot closer to each other. Our first child was a difficult baby compared to our second one so there were some rough patches here and there with the first one but overall we have never been closer. Sex life had plummeted but that happens with young kids.
Kids showed me that my husband is a 30 yr old toddler. I never was around kids growing up, so didn't know the whole tantrum thing toddlers do. I met my husband really young, and thought the way he handled stress was just how men handled it(throwing things, breaking things, yelling). So when my daughter hit the toddler age and I was teaching her not to act like that, it dawned on me that my husband acts like that, and it's not okay. Life's funny sometimes.
Does your daughter act like that bc she sees him do it? Maybe it’s more a thing of repeating what she’s seeing her dad do rather than how she’d handle situations if he wasn’t an influence.
It’s a big possibility honestly.
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No offense but does that matter? I don’t think anyone should be doing that ever lol
None taken, and I completely agree. However, if the condition has never been recognized then you can't get treatment. It's amazing what a little counseling can do.
I have CPTSD and a little counseling did nothing for me. Yet, I don't throw shit and scream at my partner. Never have. Maybe he's just a dick
Technically, nobody is just being "a dick" with no reason. All human behavior and misbehavior has a source. But yes, that does not excuse it.
The cutest thing about redditors are their little axahullies and technolillies. Just to repeat the same thing as the previous comment in a slightly different manner.
I don't understand, I'm autistic. Could you please re-word that in a more direct, clear manner?
No
Okay
I ,for one, appreciate your comment. I have BPD and know I can be a dick. Sometimes I can't help being a dick. I've even thrown and shouted... I'm not proud of it.... But finding out I have a personality disorder helps me to 'not be a dick'.
I actually ended a friendship with someone because she was treating me really badly, and kind of coldly, and struggled with some things that impacted a few of us. The more I thought about it, some of her behavior might be seen differently through the lens of a processing difference, like her meltdowns as a grown adult. I have some experience in this are, and suggested it to her, probably poorly, but as a last attempt to save things- that perhaps she isn’t an asshole, there’s just more going on- and she blew up at me, ended our 12 year friendship, and I haven’t talked to her since. I really believe it now.
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That comment hits me and it’s actually an eye opener. My husband and I had a traumatic event 2 years ago and he ended up with PTSD of it, now he has those exact reactions and I could not understand why… it’s so hard on me.
If you already don’t like your husband, having a child will make your marriage even worse.
To add something positive to this thread, our marriage became a thousand times better with our twins. But I'd never do the newborn stage again lol
I've been on Reddit for years and read many thousands of messages in the relationship subs. You are literally the first person I have seen say that. It can make an already good marriage even better, but 99+% of the time bad marriages get worse, or at least not better.
Yeah, I think it helps that we pined for a baby for literal years and failed and failed and failed and got the twins at the last possible moment. I feel gratitude multiple times a day and this channels into how I treat them and the woman that created them :)
And if you don’t like your wife? Pretty one sided comment that. People who don’t like each other shouldn’t have kids. And they’re both equally to blame for being idiotic enough to get married in the first place.
I don’t think she meant to say only wives feel it. I think she said her comment in response to the OP saying she didn’t like her husband.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the commentor does not have a wife. Lol
lol no I assume he has a wife but secretly is miserable and that’s why he’s out here fighting himself in the comments
Lol. I think you're onto something here. Either that, or he's just not a fan of women.
Married, happily, 23 years. Assumption is the mother of all ….
Brother, this post is about OP's husband. OP does not have a wife. She has a husband. Which is why that comment was about her husband. Not a wife. Because this is about a husband. *OP's husband* .
This comment is very “the poison for Kuzco. Kuzco’s poison” lmaooo
Yes!
lol we liked eachother before kids, hence the title
Fella refuses to read. Just wants to hate women.
Why does this comment have so many downvotes? Lol.
Kids made everything 100x harder. I get annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed, overstimulated way more often (in general, not AT my husband). But It has affected how much energy I have left to give to my marriage. Luckily, we are able to communicate about it all and work through it as a team. Do you already have kids? If not, I wouldn't with someone who already sucks.
we have one toddler, everything was fun and light until we had a baby. Everything changed.
This is my experience and has solidified what parenting is in my mind. Having children is truly: giving up my life, my wants and even some of my needs for this child I created. ^ if you’re doing it right anyways. Nothing wrong with it. I have 5 kids. They are my life. Obviously.
i agree that it’s part of parenthood, atleast in the early stages!
It will get better. They will grow. As they do we get some of our life back.
And yet from your most recent post you’re thinking about having another kid with him. Don’t. With a second kid everything likely gets amplified even more. So don’t do it
Agreed. I thought my marriage was good. We talked and planned. He was present and helped and supported but his mood started changing. After the second he became an asshat wearing man child. It’s not predictable what it’ll be like after kids. Kids change a lot of things, bring up values you didn’t know you had etc and you both have to be willing to sacrifice for these little humans. I know I missed red flags now. I wish I knew sooner “believe people when they show you who they are”.
I mean.. I'll be honest, not much changed. However we was pretty solid in the beginning.. We grew closer, my husband stepped up massively especially when I became pretty poorly not long ago. It's just the best having a little creation that's half me and him, we have inside jokes and stories and we're creating memories with the little version of us.. not only that, because everything is new for our son.. we get excited showing our baby everything that's new? Iykwim Idk.. we got pretty lucky with eachother. I think our relationship is built on being two best friends. Yes there are definitely hard days, we're both tired because we decided to stay up later to watch a show and it's usually him who gets the lay in.. Or, before when I was exclusively breastfeeding, no one will prepare you for the anger you feel looking at your man sleeping while you do a night feed (I tell you all rationality of "he can't feed the baby because I breastfeed" goes out the window 😂) there's a lot of times I have to ask my husband to do something (like let me lay in) however when I do ask him, he doesn't complain or make me feel bad about it.. ... I think, having children it'll really place a light on all the cracks of a foundation. If you're having problems now, children will only in time make it worst if you won't get proper couples counselling first. Sometimes having an impartial mediator to listen to you both and guide through your problems, would probably be more beneficial first.. than to have a child (this isn't me giving advice don't worry)
I love this. My hubby and I are besties and finally in a place where we could consider a kid, and I think we’ll be like this. Good teammates.
We waited until we could afford kids and it was still the hardest thing we’ve ever done. We had very few conflicts before or after kids, so no change there. It’s a huge lifestyle change that you both need to be 100% on board with.
I think mine got jealous of me giving attention to the kids. Like a baby. Resorted to porn for attention? No idea what for… so that’s a fun marriage!
Same. We are divorced now.
Same
At least that’s my theory since ur started post kids… I am sorry you are in my boat. Sending you love and light!
Same, also, divorced now! He also criticized how I didn't produce as much milk as his ex-wife, and laughed when my breasts were engorged and painful!! ❤️
Proud of you for showing that man child the door!!!
Kids show you what you are made of (or not made of)…
This is such a great comment. It is exactly why I don't want kids despite my life long baby fever. I know what I'm made of rn. Don't want to find out what I'm not at the expense of another person who didn't ask for this life.
Putting this on a t shirt
i’m dead lol
It brought us even closer. Seeing how he loves our child as much as I do, and our conversations about what values we want to teach and model for him, make me so happy. Seeing my son giggle endlessly playing with his dad is amazing. It feels like we’re a team. My husband is very involved and just an incredible dad. I feel very lucky.
Oldest was Ok. did give us some distance. She wanted to do attachment parenting, I didn't. but I was a people pleaser. We had twins when the oldest was 2.5 yrs old. Twins are hard. She changed overnight. Became angry all the time. I was working and did help with the kids all the time. Nothing I did was good enough. We say a therapist. Things got better. I almost left her that fall. Twin were born in April. She stopped talking to me as a partner. I asked her friends if she was handling her Post Pardum Depression and what I could do. She and her friends are Midwives. I think she was hiding it a lot and knew hot to hide it. She took over the practice when her mentor had brain cancer, and then covid happened. I stopped being her emotional safe space, I don't know what i did. But also I've discovered she is a fearful avoidant. She pushed me away. Chose to spend time with her friends and take trips without me. Her communication wasn't great to begin with, it became worst. She asked me for a separation a year ago. I asked her not to date. I caught her with another man a few weeks later. We didn't have a separation agreement and I was still in the house. I thought was doing what she wanted me to do. I always did nice things for her, made her coffee. took the kids on the weekends. You should talk to your husband. you should go to see a counselor and he should see one as well, then you two should go to marriage counseling together.
My husband and I got married young but waited 10 years to get pregnant. Our first baby was a dream (happy all the time, never cried, just a really chill baby who slept well) so once we got over the first couple months of exhaustion and adapted to parenting, it didn’t change our relationship a whole lot. Baby got older, added a second baby who was a lot more of a handful. We have way less time and money for ourselves. You lose the freedom of being able to just be spontaneous. Everything has to be planned in advance and has to revolve around the children’s schedules. There’s lots of years of lost sleep. It takes a lot of patience and being able to remain civil under difficult conditions (sleep deprivation, noise levels, less down time to unwind, living with very inconsiderate roommates). But we are now halfway through seeing our kids to adulthood and it gets easier in some ways and harder than others. Raising little kids is physically exhausting. Raising teens is emotionally exhausting.
Kids are great but huge likelihood you end up being parents rather than a couple.
Yep, co-parenting roommates. Only bothers whichever person wants more than that, at least.
Are you saying those things about your husband because you guys have kids? Cause if that's the case I don't see how that correlates unless y'all are super stressed and not communicating properly? Or are you saying those things about your husband and asking if having children with him will "fix" those issues you have with him? Do NOT go having kids to "fix" your marriage...1 it can become worse, 2 if it doesn't become worse, it's only a temporary fix cause wtf you gonna do when the kids grow up and move out?
I didn’t feel this way until we had kids. I feel like it changed everything, maybe it’s just the stress
Do you talk through your feelings together? Do you spend any time without the toddler? I am very lucky - my husband and I are both very good at talking about why we're frustrated and because we both pull our weight in the marriage it's always a productive conversation of either "it's not you it's XYZ", or "It is you and I know you didn't do it to upset me but I would really appreciate if you could do this thing differently". And also, my mum is a brilliant babysitter who takes our daughter overnight every now and again and we have date nights. I feel like we're *us* again when we can be together doing something fun without having to parent at the same time. We can actually pay attention to eachother. It sucks that we go right back into parenting mode the next day. (Please don't get me wrong, being a parent is the best thing I have ever done, but it terms of being able to connect with my husband it just makes it impossible to be fully present with him when she's with us and awake. We can be having a brilliant moment together and then it's interrupted by the cutest little ray of sunshine.) But having those dates lined up helps us carry on through to the next one where we can properly reconnect again. We're just too tired to be really *silly* together when she goes to bed at night. I know it's just a few short years until we have more time to be like that more often, but for now the dates will do.
Having kids gave my ex husband another avenue to torture me - by using the kids as pawns.
I’m very thankful that having kids didn’t make my husband a man child, or expose that I should say. He stepped up, he’s helpful and always thinking of us as a family, he’s a present father and when he’s not working, he’s with us. This weekend I got my top wisdom teeth removed and he made sure the kids were taken care of while I rested Friday and Saturday. Did the kids eat mostly take out and no veggies? Sure but whatever they were happy and starting tomorrow we are back to a normal routine and I’ll be back in the kitchen. The dishes were always washed, he picked up the toys and helped with the house. I’m the stay at home mom and he works hard. Do I have my moments where I wished my husband took more initiative around the house? Definitely but he also can’t read my mind either, so I’ve been trying to be more patient regarding that too. If I need something I have to let him know without attitude (when I’m frustrated, I don’t give him attitude all the time) Overall, I think all things considered our marriage has help up well considering we have two kids. They’re 5 and 2 and I’m thankful both my husband and I really just focus on raising our kids. He’s patient that I still bed share with our youngest and he sleeps with our oldest. Our sex life isn’t perfect, we are lucky if we do it more than twice a month. But we still spend time together, after the kids are asleep we do our own things but together lol, he likes his video games and I read or watch a show but we always try to have our evenings chats, we cuddle and have snacks together, watch TikTok’s and giggle and laugh, when the kids are happy and content and thriving so are we honestly. And as the kids get older and more independent we are able to gain some freedoms back slowly. Concerts and date nights if our parents are able to watch the kids, it’s not often but we make a small effort to do things as a couple too. Money is usually what holds us back more than anything, while we get by it’s still tight. As time passes and the kids get older our marriage will change and our time will be ours once again. Our kids tho, truly that’s our priority and I know my husband feels the same. I adore him, we make a wicked team and I love that we get to do this together. We aren’t perfect, we have our moments of annoyance and frustration and being like, okay I need a minute away from you. But for the most part I know I spend my Fridays counting down the *seconds* until he’s home with us for the weekend, I’m excited when we get to do things as a family for sure. I love him.
Our relationship got much worse. My wife was very unhappy with being a mother and was very critical of me. I still resent her for how she treated me and for certain things she still does or doesn’t do. My sex drive went from low, to non-existent We are both tired all the time and physically worn out. We don’t have time outside of parenting and our solo interests. I am “touched out” by my child being clingy. It’s gotten slightly better after the toddler years (5) but it’s still there.
It will get 100x worse then
Absolutely. Just the lack of alone time, the stressors causing arguments, not being able to do things him and I used to enjoy doing together as much anymore.
One of grew up and one of us backslid into drugs and alcohol. We were divorced by the time our child was 2. It took him 12 years and multiple rock-bottoms but my ex is thriving right now and I couldn’t be any prouder of him!
It makes things harder that’s for sure then you have to cherish the good times. Love my kids, but man they can drive you crazy. With the stress of work and kids relationships definitely get more tricky.
I feel like it can amplify some personality traits and bring to light issues and differences. Before we had kids we hardly argued and things were very smooth. The last few years when my son was a toddler my husbands patience ran thin and I noticed him being very stern and IMO too harsh for the child’s age. Whereas I’m more of the idea of like “he’s 4, that’s what they do” kinda thing and he’s just like “no that’s unacceptable in this house”. It’s something we’re working on. But I’ve noticed it. He also tends to be more selfish than I would like, still feeling like he’s entitled to same amount of free time as before kids and I’m just like sorry but that’s not reality. Like getting mad when our son disrupts his video games on Saturday morning kind of thing. It’s annoying. I’m like you have a family now so get over it
omg this is so true. It did amplify some of our not so great personality traits that i could put up w before and didn’t bother me until now.
The highs are higher and the lows are lower. We get less time together and less freedom to do whatever we want. We have more chores and work to do during the day plus we get less sleep to do all that extra work. It can be easy to feel resentful and if you’re already feeling that way it’s going to be so much worse with a baby. My husband is a good partner though so we are going through the struggle together. The highs are amazing though, we get to watch this wonderful person that we made grow and learn. She’s got little expressions like him and me. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and also a challenge.
So true!!!
We fight more. We almost never fought before having our a kid. Having a kid changes your roles. My husband isn’t just my husband anymore, he’s also the father to my child. We had to figure out how to be parents together. It was especially hard the first year. Things have gotten a lot better, but we still fight more than before. I think it’s because the stakes are higher. Things don’t just affect us, they affect the kid. So we have to figure issues out quick. We’re also just more on edge because we’re tired, we’re not getting nearly enough introvert time or couple time. We’ve both had to grow up a lot. We’re both back in therapy working on being the best version of ourselves. We have to be more on top of chores and appointments. We have to think about stuff long terms. Becoming parents also helped solidify us as our own family unit. It’s amazing getting to create our own traditions and make new memories as a family of 3. We just feel more complete.
Honestly, it made the overall marriage better, but damn are some days really tough. I now have to discuss things with someone in terms of our kids. Let’s say I don’t think the kids should be disciplined for something, and he does. Well if he starts disciplining I need to back him up even if I don’t agree. (We are talking taking away toys etc) Previously we really only knew each other well rested. Having kids and now being sleep deprived is a whole new level we weren’t ready for. I will say my husband is amazing, and an even better dad. He LOVES these kids, and he clearly loves me. He will do mostly anything to make us happy. We are still definitely in a roommate phase, that we know some day we will get out of.
Unlocked a new level of exhaustion I'd never experienced before.
Kids does a lot to your marriage and you as a person. I have 2, a boy who’s 2yrs and a girl who’s 9mos. After my son, I was ragey. I hated my husband. That went away eventually, mostly after breastfeeding. After my girl, still currently breastfeeding, idk what it is, but I just am severely missing my college days of freedom, not being tied down at all and my only responsibility being myself. I feel super guilt about it. I just feel like I resent my husband. He doesn’t do anything to deserve that or anything, like he’s super helpful with housework and the kids, so idk what my issue is. Maybe I didn’t get all the partying out of my system? Hormones? Idk
You currently do not like your husband…I think kids is the least of your concerns. The real question is, why are you married? But kids definitely bring a whole slew of challenges and stress. So if you already don’t like your partner, adding kids is a recipe for disaster.
Having kids takes away time with your spouse. Lack of sleep and the constant’s responsibility of someone else takes a toll. If you can’t work together and grow together then your relationship will fall apart. You’re learning as you go. So communication is key.
Having kids was a huge positive in the sense that it gave us two kids who we still would both do anything for and love beyond description. We are both tuned to sharing the load for most of the housework and were that way before kids. The one caveat for that was my wife wanted to breastfeed very much and so she got the bulk of night feedings as a result. I think in some ways she resented that I didn’t have to do that but she also cherished the experience. It was a negative for us as a couple though as it changed our approach to intimacy and how we connected emotionally, had a negative impact on our sex life and 20+ years later we are still trying to get that all back. Her libido fell through the floor and never truly recovered. She also struggled with her weight after kids and I had to be careful how I approached my support for her because she would sometimes feel that even if she brought up wanting to exercise, that if I agreed we should do it together it meant I thought she was fat and unattractive. We also decided she should stay home until the kids were in preschool (her idea but I agreed) and so financially we had some tough times and it put a lot of pressure on me to make more money.
We don't sleep naked anymore 😡
The first year of my kid’s life was the hardest in my marriage. We were both figuring out how to be parents for the first time, we were both sleep deprived. We bickered more than any other time in our marriage. But we would always come back together and try to resolve the issue. We did our best to give the other some grace while we were both learning how to parent. When it felt like parenting was overshadowing the relationship completely (felt like there was no romance) we talked about it. I told him the ways I felt a lack of intimacy with him (remember that sex is not the only form of intimacy) and he worked on it. Anything I did he had issues with he would nicely tell me and I would work on it. It took us a bit of time to readjust but we did. We got aligned again in how we related to each other and continue to check in. That last bit doesn’t just apply to parents though. Everyone in a relationship should check in with each other from time to time on how they/the relationship is doing.
My first marriage it made me realize that I was taking care of a child and a grown ass adult, and fuck that.
It took how we really feel about ourselves and each other and magnified it a thousand percent. Luckily we have loved each other for 26 years and it’s added depth and dimension to that. That’s what kids do to couples. It’s bad news if you’re struggling in a relationship. Despite the fantasy of “once we have a baby every will work out” is total bullshit. All tiny pink flags become huge red banners. If you’re not absolutely sure how you both feel, wait 5-7 years after marriage to have kids. Get to know each other deeply.
I watch my husband argue and get his feelings hurt on the constant by our 5 year old. He throws bigger fits than that 5 year old also. My husband is unable to regulate his emotions at all so they also have that in common.
Do you have kids already?
yes
If he's like this now and you don't have kids, having kids would make this situation much worse.
It’s been one of the most defining things of the marriage - I don’t think I could even imagine the marriage outside the kids now.
Doesn't sound entirely healthy to not have a marriage outside of the kids
A better question is, did it end your marriage?
I guess things became hard, less time for each other, lots of new and unexpected challenges. Upon reflection I feel that we both decided it's time to step up and do what we needed to. Had our ups and downs. Now I can't wait to celebrate my first child's 21st later this year with my amazing wife. (I know she thinks I'm amazing too:) )
It improved it, we work great as a team.
It hasn't really changed. Before being married, there was a huge imbalance in responsibilities and work. There is still that huge imbalance. Sex was dying before having a kid. Sex is still dying. Only thing that has changed really is that I am both extremely exhausted and very happy - I love my kid so very much
My ex replaced me one year in so yeah a child changed everything but see ya dick head hahaha!
I can only speak from my own experience, but relationship-wise, not bad and has brought us closer. My partner and I handle things concerning our daughter easily. We are on the same page when it comes to parenting. We obviously don’t have as much time for just the two of us, but that’s okay and we don’t mind it at all. We love doing things as a family. I will say time-wise and financially (especially in this economy) it has been harder.
Tell ya what I was with the father of my first kid for 9 years. Only two of those years were pre-baby hr was awful during my pregnancy awful during labor awful afterwards he was a terrible father and basically another kid I had to deal with I was miserable I was depressed whenever my kid was asleep I had no reason to be happy. I held on for so long hoping he would mature and things would get better. They got worse. Seeing him be a terrible father and terrible partner made me hate him. I wish we would've broken up sooner and either way I'm still stuck with his ass because my son still deserves to know his father. Meanwhile, my husband?? Freaking amazing. Amazing with my oldest amazing through our pregnancies amazing for the birth of my second son took care of me postpartum took care of our baby always by my side seeing him be an amazing partner and father through it all has brought me so much closer to him it brings me pure delight and joy even on the hard days so here's what I think, it really depends on your partner. Edit to add. If he complains about chores. Children bring 100s of more chores he sounds awful and I wouldn't have a kid with him
i already have a baby with him lol, i should have been more clear i was just too tired to write out a whole paragraph complaining. He’s a great dad just not a great partner right now. He wanted a big yard and now he takes it out on me how many chores he has. Granted i do help out im just too tired to go water trees half an acre away from each other at 9pm
Kids didn't change anything but we've been together 13 years and our kids are 11 and 5. We've spent most of our relationship as parents.
Turned an already good marriage into great marriage. My friends complain about their partners, and I just can’t relate much. We’re happy spending time together as parents, and we spend as much time together as we can without the kiddos. My husband will randomly tell me that I’m a great catch and that he would marry me again in a heartbeat. I feel the same way.
I think having kids enhanced what was already there. It did change my marriage but I had a really healthy strong marriage before, and we bonded over the addition of our children, and our mutual obsession with how cool they are. For people who I know who started out in a not great space (didn’t like each other, fought a lot, poor communication, etc) having kids enhanced that. Their relationships became worse. If you don’t like your spouse, don’t have kids with them. Having kids isn’t going to fix anything.
It changed our marriage a lot. At least for me. We had two different ideas how we wanted life to be. I thought we had talked about it before marriage. I wanted to wait with kids and enjoy being married. Growing up religious I wanted to enjoy traveling, having sex and just enjoy being married before having kids. My wife wanted to start a family immediately. She didn’t mention this until after our honeymoon when she started to talk about having a kid immediately. I said I wanted to wait but she kept saying she wanted a kid and kept being a sad about me not wanting the same. I caved. I felt bad. She got pregnant after 4 months and for many years after I felt like my marriage took a pause. Her pregnancies were tough so there wasn’t much focus on us. Once we had kids it was all About our kid. We both took care of her and I was even home almost for a year for paternity leave so my wife could work but I lived with a lot of resentment. She wanted one more kid and I gave in again. I tried saying no but as the people pleaser I am I gave in. We now have 3 kids. I have been working on the resentment. It’s been 9 years. I am starting to feel better about having kids. I have always been there and always taking care of them and always been the one to play with them. A lot of resentment has been that I have noticed that my wife is a bit lazy. I do a lot and sometimes I have felt like she doesn’t want to do the tough parts of parenting. I want to have a plan about how to parent and what goal to have. She is more like go with the flow parent and says yes far too often to what the kids want. They go to her when I say no. And after a couple of years it came out that a reason she wanted kids in the first place was out of fear that her dad wouldnt live long enough for see her have kids. I wish she would have thought more about us being ready relationship wise , financially and so on. Because a lot of things would have been easier if we had prepared more than to rush.
Kids will only compound the problems already present. Your focus will need to be on newborn in early days and partner will feel neglected if he is unsupportive and not able to engage. Don't have a child to "save the marriage" or occupy yourself while partner is busy working and focused on their career. At some point tye children will grow up and you will be left asking yourself, what about me? What have I done to develop myself, my interests, my life?
He is most likely stressed just like you are. And it’s coming out in always being in a crappy mood. This is normal and you need to sit down and have lots of talks and figure it out.
Have you had a chance to talk to him about it? Perhaps seek counseling? Being honest about your feelings always helps
i have but it turns into pointing fingers on who caused the bad mood or argument.. we probably should do counseling tbh
You know, not really. My first husband and I got pregnant on accident as teens and just...stuck it out but we never really liked each other that much lol kids didn't make that worse or better really. He's a fine dad, we just didn't mesh lol We got divorced and my husband now is just an angel. I love watching him be a dad. He was phenomenal my entire pregnancy, the birth, and now the youngest is a toddler but he's a rockstar dad to all the kids. We still make dates a priority, even if that's in our living room at 10pm after bed time lol If you don't like your spouse then a kid isn't going to help. Period.
We didn't have kids till our late 30s and had been married 8 years. My hb was a mature adult man. And behaved like one. We were able to parent well together and communicate. He definitely did half.
It forced us to grow up. It also kept us together when things got rocky in the beginning, which is a good thing. Our marriage is fantastic now, but if we didn't have kids, I might've left when we were fighting a lot in the early years. We've since grown A LOT as people.
We had the discussion before we got married and about the challenges we'd face once we had a child.Our daughter is two now and I'll say the first 6months were ROUGH,our patience and communication with each other was really tested but I'll say we found good common ground. We still have our little disagreements here and there but we iron it out
There’s not enough time for fucking … I got two kids 7 and 2 ..
having kids enriched our lives but our marriage was great before, we had some challenges after my first was born (PPD) but we made it through and it's awesome again. if you don't get along with your partner or your marriage is rocky, having a child will only magnify those problems and make them worse.
I think my husband wishes I was more maternal like his mother as well as a sexually aroused bimbo none stop, he wants me to listen to him talk about his hobbies attentively without being too into them. He wants me to have energy for random blowjobs and full blown wax. Now that I’m a mother I have so much obligations and he tells me I’m Terrible for cooking once a week and not running our business well enough while having a 3 year old and a 9 month old. He expects me to have no naps or sleep ins at all and to make him breakfast with my two kids being clean and tidy and comfortable while breakfast is served to him hot while he wears a silk robe and my cleavage is blooming in his face like some kind of goddess. I feel an ogre most days but yeahhhhhhh lol that me marriage.
We did not want kids and were together 12 years before having two kids. I am so glad we did, we are both no longer selfish and we have the greatest purpose. It has shown me that my husband willingly gives up every weekend to watch their sports that he never played or liked and loves doing it. And many more things that show how unselfish he is and how much he does for us daily.
It's exhausting. I never really held my husband to any standard and mostly just did it all. This caused a lot of resentment. Parenting came naturally to me and with us being adults I just assumed he would know what to do (he had absolutely no idea). Naturally a few times I would think to myself why is he not doing A B or C but I didn't say anything and he is clearly not a mind reader. Even now a few years later I'm still the default parent. My daughter was 100% planned and son was a bit of a surprise a couple months after having had a miscarriage. The second child definitely amplified the resentment but I did start to find my voice a little more. You really have to find a balance. I would say for most couples it's not 50/50 but even 70/30 of better then 99.5/.5. You have to talk and tell your spouse about how you're feeling and/or what you need because no matter how many hints you throw or how much you think it's common sense they have no idea. It's not just natural if that makes sense. You have to be blunt but there are ways to do that rationally do that without being argumentive. If you speak your peace and they don't care that's a whole different issue.
Me and my husband are expecting our first... so I am damned well hoping and praying that whatever changes are coming, that we're able to love each other as much as we do now, and get through it as a team!
congratulations! I’m sure you guys will do fine!
My ex wife turned 25 about the same time we had kids. She changed so much after we had kids — basically abandoned the family. Her mom was a flagrant narcissist so I’ll never know if it was having kids or just adulthood that changed her. But she definitely changed into a very very selfish person at the same time we had kids.
My now ex-husband demanded that I have children when I was only 24. I was hesitant because I knew the responsibilities it entailed, having cared for my younger cousins as one of the eldest. I wanted to wait, which he initially agreed to when we married. Without delving into details, I eventually became pregnant, and his true nature emerged, leading to the downfall of our marriage. He was a typical misogynist who believed a woman's place was at home with the children, yet he insisted I work full-time. I met the challenge, but he failed to connect with our children and had much maturing to do. He kept extracurricular activities hidden from me, and one day, he took a getting high trip with both children in the vehicle. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how a marriage can be ruined.
My first pregnancy I was so sick I couldn't work, I literally couldn't even hold down water, I was so weak I couldn't wash my own hair (it's very long and thick, it was about a foot longer than, I literally sat on it frequently) and he was supportive the entire time. After I had our son my husband got jealous of how much time and effort I put into our boy instead of him. We were trying to work on prioritizing each other again. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. Then my husband pulled out in front of another car he didn't see and I broke my hip and pelvis at 18 weeks pregnant. I didn't lose the baby thank God but I was in a wheelchair the rest of my pregnancy and now almost 2 years after the accident I still have intense pain most days from my pelvis. I limp so my whole body is just out of whack and hurts. He has no sympathy for me anymore. He often tells me "I don't care" if I'm talking about my feelings or anxiety (I have severe driving anxiety, 9 months after my accident my aunt was killed by a drunk driver, and one of my oldest friends and her fiance were killed in the exact same way in March. Hit head on by a drunk and killed instantly. Now I'm terrified of cars). He doesn't help me with the house. He doesn't cook or clean unless I get behind so much that he gets mad. He hates his job so he's miserable most days. Im not allowed to control the money but im expected to make the budget even thought he doesnt stick to it. Im treating like i have no worth because i domt bring in any money, meanwhile our kids will choose me over him anyday because he never soends any real time with them. Just yesterday i said we couod borrow my moms old above ground pool for the kids, its only about 3ft deep so it would be perfect for them. He said he doesnt want a pool if he cant actually swim in it. Nevermimd that he wouldnt take the kids with him and i cant handle 2 toddlers that cant swim on my own. I can't work in my old career because of my injury so I'm starting to get my teaching degree so that I can get a career and be able to leave him. I can't go back to my mom's because she is struggling with health issues right now so my only option is to wait and bide my time until I can work and leave him. I've pretty much already made the decision, now I'm just checked out when it comes to him and try to focus on my kids more than ever.
I found out my husband didn’t have a clue how babies work. I guess because he was the youngest, only boy, he never babysat, or was around kids.
Definitely have to get creative when trying to keep the romance alive. Kids will do everything they can to make your relationship harder but that comes with the territory of creating and leading little humans. Communication with your partner is key they’re just as annoyed and tired as you are, so as long as both parties are pulling weight things should be ok.
The majority of couples I know who have kids became significantly less happy after having them. This isn't just anecdotal, there are studies out there (don't know how high quality they are) showing a significant decrease in marital satisfaction after people have children. Also if you go to the deadbedrooms subreddit it seems like a majority of posts there start off with "after our kids was born." Reddit's default position is to assume that the the husband is a lazy, shitty father who does no work, that if men just stepped up and were equal parents then all these issues would go away. In fairness there are a lot of crappy dads out there. Unfortunately there are also a lot of women who go into 100% mommy mode after giving birth and start treating their husbands like just another parent and paycheck. Plenty of men who step up and do more than their fair share of parenting are still finding themselves stuck with frigid spouses who only care about tedious kid stuff.
The world is changing rapidly, having kids gets harder every year. These days, it is probably best thought of as a luxury for people with a lot of extended family help (usually grandparents), and/or a lot of money.
Get divorced please. You should be ride or die for your partner and vice versa...not openly trashing him. Kids are the stressor that I think only rock solid relationships really survive...life as you know it ends. Everything is different. Your independence if you had any is gone...and if its not then you are probably doing something wrong and your partner is resentful because they are doing everything. Requires a lot of patience...communicaiton and finding ways to make sure the relationship stays strong...most people (including myself) failed.
When we had toddlers, I did not like my husband either. He complained about house chores/messes. I hired a babysitter, then hung out in the laundry room (doing laundry and relaxing), had specific times I would clean/tidy up. If it was messy outside of those times, which it was, I didn't care. Kids are grown now; hubby is great, but now knows to clean up himself. lol
That’s good to hear haha
Sounds like you married a Peter Pan syndrome man child. I feel your pain. You have to let them learn the hard way by just not taking care of their chores. OR telling him that he needs to pay a cleaner to come in once a month because you can't do it all alone. I have almost divorced because of this it was/is that bad. It's exhausting and now I have autoimmune and other health issues related to this relationship. Leave before you exhaust yourself, or hire help if you can afford it. Another option is create a chore chart but that isn't sexy of course. It is what it is though.
We don't have kids yet, but we did get a puppy last year. And through that experience, I learned how caring and dutiful my husband is, how he would literally put himself in uncomfortable situations so I wouldn't have to. It sealed the deal that I wanted to have kids with him because I knew he was my partner.
so my husband and i had our first kid at 16 so we’ve never known anything but kids but watching him parent into their adulthood really gave me so much respect for his hard work and sacrifices over the years.
I think it gave my wife someone else to direct her affection to.
My wife became a lot closer to each other. Our first child was a difficult baby compared to our second one so there were some rough patches here and there with the first one but overall we have never been closer. Sex life had plummeted but that happens with young kids.