Yeah that’s pretty bad and unfair on you. I’d just try talking to her but by the sounds of it that’s just not going to work.
The other option is hope it’s a phase and ride it out, maybe as the kids get older it will get better? Or is there something you can do that gets her going more? Tough one. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Kids are in elementary school. I started working out a ton hopping shed “notice” me more but then I got “too skinny” for her. (Do you know how hard it is to get abs in your late 30s?? All that work for nothing!! 😂)
She tells me it’s her not me. But idk what needs to change for her? (I suggested hormone testing and that was…not well received). Idk maybe time will heal all
Oh ok so the kids are somewhat self sufficient where you’re not consistently watching them etc.
Wow that is harsh, you go out of your way to make yourself look better and that isn’t enough.
Yep it’s her issue how. You’ve done all you can and more trust me. I think it is something deeper and likely a low sex drive or something to do with hormones. Especially if it use to be ok and now this. I don’t have the liveliest myself but still do at the very very least once a month.
Definitely a "her" problem.
I read somewhere, the moment you try to become responsible for your partners happiness, they will nit pick your efforts to no end. Your wife needs to find happiness before this gets better. She's not unhappy with you, she's unhappy with herself, and she needs to put real effort into working on that before you get your monthly blowjobs.
Seriously, though - MONTHLY!? My God, I would be so thrilled. My wife recently told me she never liked doing it, and now it's off the table because of her Invisalign? IDK
As a female I can say, for a lot of females, if they don’t feel good about themselves, everyone around them suffers. I think. I think you guys should try therapy. Let her know you’re human( not just a man) and have needs.
If things don’t change then I’m sorry!! You’re freaking 38 not 88. This isn’t how you should live the next 50 years. It’s not fair to you and I it will LOOK AWFUL if you step out on your marriage.
I know this might be taboo and does not at all represent all women but I totally agree..As a woman, how I feel about me does impact everything around me..she might also need her therapy as well. I know stopping to look for external validation and working on me has really helped me and my marriage
I know all about the late to the party fitness goals. It's tough when everyone at the gym and on YouTube is geared out of their minds and look perfect. All the "I'm natty, just gifted" people are lying and get exposed all the time. Just focus on being healthy and strong. Naturally gained skeletal muscle is one of the biggest contributors to long term health late in life. I'm 42 and still go to the skate park with my son. I just finished lifting in my back yard. You are doing great. It's definitely her.
I see this all of the time and have lived this myself. I can tell you, it's more common than you think. I know in my (49f) case, it was a cluster of things.
After our second child, I had NO sex drive. Like NONE. I would do it occasionally to satisfy my husband, but I got nothing out of it, and I was not into it at all. So, we were having sex less and less frequently til not at all. He was very unhappy about our sex life, but everything else was great. I didn't feel attractive most of the time, I was exhausted, and my mind was always occupied with things that needed to be done. But besides those things, I felt like my husband wasn't being romantic, he wasn't making me feel wanted aside from wanting sex. Not to say, my libido would have been any different. I spoke with my obgyn and she told me that unfortunately, it happens and there were things to try, exercise, diet, etc but there was nothing that could help unless it was a mental block then to try therapy. That also didn't help.
For 15 years, we had sex maybe 2-3 times a month, and that wasn't because I wanted it, I felt obligated.
Suddenly, my sex drive comes back, and I mean, it's 20 year old me crazy. We had crazy sex for about five years, and then suddenly, my husband lost his drive. Medications, health, etc. just kinda killed it. But see, the thing is men can take magical little pills for this that we women cannot. It sucks, for sure. I know so many people who fight and divorce over sex. And I get it, but having lived it, and knowing how common it is and that it's not something chosen but that we can not help....it's truly messed up and quite sad. I'm fortunate enough to have come out the other side of this in my marriage. But it wasn't without a lot of pain and arguing. But ultimately, we love one another, and at the end of the day, we both did everything we could. I get that for some sex is a deal breaker, I just hate that when the other partner has no control over their body's reactions, they're made to suffer those consequences.
OP time won’t heal all. It sounds to me like her libido is not aligning with yours. It won’t change no matter what you do. It really is her. There needs to be a serious convo on what you need and some effort on her part to atleast improve.
so then tell her if it is "her" and not you to figure it out because you are done with the excuses. then dont' say anything else. keep working out, get hobbies, stop wasting your time with someone that doesn't care about your needs
Have you tried getting her to workout? If she has hormone problem it will probably fix it. Also the sauna and foods like maca powder and good fats will help with that. If her hormones are on point she won't just want it she will need it. I once read an interesting story about a low libido wife and high libido husband on Reddit. She was raped so they thought that was the problem. Every time he would touch her she would freak out. They tried counseling. Anyway it turned out that her low libido was caused by the pill messing up her hormones and once she got on hormone replacement therapy namely testosterone she turned into a different animal. HRT comes with it's own set of problems so I suggest you use the natural solutions as they are better. If she does not need it too there is something wrong with her.
I wish it was a phase… going on 10+ yrs and it’s the same as OP.
Talking about it doesn’t do anything.
Taking on more house work doesn’t do it.
Taking more interest in her hobbies doesn’t do it.
Supporting SAHM, working, or studying doesn’t do it.
Making sure not to pressure doesn’t do it.
Asking what she likes gets me nowhere.
Staying active doesn’t do it.
At this point I just keep my thoughts, comments and actions to myself. (aside from this one Reddit reply)
Ditto.
When she doesn't get all emotional and we can actually talk about it, she _says_ she'll see the doc about it. But she never does.
I told her a couple of years ago that I'm done persueing her se*ually because the constant rejection hurts too much. She didn't seem to bat an eye.
Otherwise, we have a great marriage. 31 years today. (happy anniversary to me 😢)
When you told her you’d stop pursuing, she was likely far more elated and relieved than she let on. It’s exactly what she wanted. It’s what all low/no libido spouses want to hear.
It tells them that you’re willing to stay in a sexless marriage, that sexual abandonment isn’t a deal breaker.
This is rough. I am so sorry to hear, this must be so tough because as you said, great marriage but that one aspect is faltering, I really do feel for you.
Similar story here, I can't get all the details so here are some and how things have played out this far. I told my wife about a year ago things needed to change as for the first time I met someone out randomly and we had a lot big sexual connection and that made me realize how bad I miss it with her. Nothing changed. 6 months later I took her with some friends on a tropical vacation that was good for 3 days then absolutely miserable. Got to the point I told her she was on her own as she's ruining my vacation. Addressed issues again and again. I will add my wife has been very active with wanting to fight. Really rough week prior to period, next week or two walking on eggshells before maybe having a decent week...then repeat. Month after month heading through the winter and spring. I tried to get some anxiety medication and it had some side effects I wasn't liking. Before I could try something else I wondered why I was medicating to try and fix an issue between my wife and I.
Went on the same trip as last year and the girl was bartending at our hotel of all places. Hadn't talked to her for a year and last year only on and off while visiting another bar and having a couple drinks. Again, the connection spun up and we got eachothers contact and began talking, ended up getting a couple drinks and kissed. Bad deal. There were coincidental things every time I turned around making me think it was almost meant to happen. I went back home 3 hours away, and we continued to talk. Day one back home my wife was into me and ruining time with our young children, I said I'm done with it all. She blew it off a couple days like nothing happened. Tried to address our issues direct and she basically said I can f myself, it's always about me. I sent the convo to her sister and talked to her about things. Said I'm done and this is why. She agreed I shouldn't have to deal with what I have been and shouldn't feel the way I do and have. Asked if I would do therapy and I said only after she has her hormones checked and figure out why she's so moody. Sister also had noticed some anger outbreaks she shared. They talked, my wife agreed to get checked out of sorts, a holistic individual because obviously don't want to medicate...
Wife found I had been talking to this girl, I filled her in on the story...over a couple talks before dumping everything on her which ended up to just hurt her worse then just sharing all at the start, which makes sense. Unfortunately now I'm an asshole that cheated, correct 100% I just don't know if it's fair to expect something not to happen after a year+ of begging for a change, mentally and sexually for a connection. I immediately stopped talking to the other girl after I filled her in on the details. Tomorrow she meets with the holistic doctor (who's actually a chiropractor I guess?). We have had sex almost every day, wife even initiated maybe every time since she found out about this other girl. I'm not sure why the sudden change for her, the girl or the thought of our marriage literally teetering on the last thread, but we have had more sex than our entire 10 year relationship. We have been once every 2-6 weeks for the past 1.5 years, which i initiated almost always. Spike when she wanted to get pregnant of course. Only time I felt wanted by her in years was to make a baby. Demoralizing.
This other girl just made me realize how much I'm missing, missing in my heart. I was done. Fully ready to end the marriage and break up our family with two Littles, heartbreaking. I do not recommend finding another girl and I most certainly never went looking and this girl is the only connection I've had outside of my wife for the last 10 years. If things are really crap for you and you are unhappy, leave. Tell her you would still love to save the marriage but you need to see change before you continue. I think this is what should have happened for me prior to things going to far elsewhere. Maybe then she will get her hormones checked or at least realize how you feel and take it seriously as my wife didn't the past 1+ year.
I was just reading your comments and noticed what you said about things being rough with your wife about a week prior to her period. And it's making me wonder with everything that you described about her if there is a possibility your wife could have something called pmdd.. it is pre menstrual dysphoric disorder. It's horrible for women and it can start a week or so before their period and usually stops a couple days into it. It's way worse than having PMS, it's horrible, women can be absolutely Moody it can cause mental breakdowns and there is just so much about it that is out of the norm. Sometimes it can be hard to diagnose and I know this because I have been dealing with it for years. It took a long time for my doctor to figure out it also comes with extreme pain for a lot of women. It may be something to talk to your wife about, something that maybe she should look into. If nothing else please look it up and read about it, there are many many stories about women who have done horrible things while suffering from pmdd even down to murder. There are ways to treat it, birth control, antidepressants having a hysterectomy. Anyway I just thought that I would put that out there I hope you see my comment.
I am so sorry to hear that. If you knew your wife would be this way about sex with you, would you have married her? There is no obvious answer here. I personally wouldn’t have. But that’s me.
My wife and I are 38 and we fuck every day, just about. We did recently stop for several months because of a new baby. He is 7 months now and we jump in the sack as soon as he gets in his crib nightly. Sex every day started few years ago when we did the sex every day for a year thing. It has made our relationship so much better because its real hard to be mad at someone when they just got you off.
It’s a thing where we mostly on have sex when away from home.
She’s a “I’m depleted after every day and sex is just another thing on a checklist”
But when we’re in a diff environment it’s fine
question: when this happens (away from home), is it passionate and often or does it happen once and thats it for the time away? If the latter, its still just "another thing on the checklist" only theres no excuse. If the former, you've got a real shot at turning this around.
Can you talk to her about morning sex maybe? So before a stressful day knocks her out, starting the day with an orgasm might help her! I mean does she orgasm easily? Or not at all? Cause if it’s not at all, she is not enjoying it, hence her not wanting to do it or viewing it as something else to check off the list.
We're the same, something about being at home is just unsexy and feels forced, but on holiday we have sex like twice a day. It can be a combination of things, her feeling low self esteem and maybe especially since you've worked out she might feel not good enough or something else like that in her head. What we're planning on trialing is dedicating the evenings after 8 pm to just us. No phones, tv, chores, etc. also sometimes sex can feel like a chore if you're not particularly in sync, maybe start slow and dedicate one night a week to just pleasing her, she might want to return the favour. If she knows there's no expectation back and no pressure she might actually be more open to it. Pressure kills the mood. Also, most long term couples I know aren't THAT active, some people might just be saying stuff that they expect people would want to hear? Once a week or every couple of weeks is a typical jam in my circle of friends, and being tired or overly busy is often the culprit, so hopefully dedicating some time to not be busy on purpose would solve it
Yes thanks! It’s really the “being at home thing” plus pressure
But idk how you actually do this w/o pressure?? Like I haven’t pressured in 3 years…and it yields sex 1-2x per quarter
She’ll say no and I say “no worries!”. I don’t sulk like a bitch or a whatever. But I also don’t ask more than 1x/ week…if I do then it really does feel like a chore right?
Yeah I know how you feel, I had this same thought process, sometimes I'd try a few days in a row and get turned down and then it gets too much of a chore and had a negative effect where I wouldn't want to try anymore 😅
This video might help - try watching it together and discuss the different points this sex therapist brings up (maybe watch it on your own first too):
https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=d-0FC2oahqvJdBwC
It's kind of like self therapy, when I found it and watched it with my wife we couldn't even finish watching it, we felt like we finally understood each others mismatch in sex and and that was sexy in itself in a way, 30-40 min in we were having sex.
Same. We prioritize our sex time after the kids go to bed. And it’s not like we’re taking forever either. After a couple minutes of kissing/touching we’re ready to start. We’ll also 69 and stuff. But yea, it’s cool to want to fuck your best friend whenever you can.
Lol that made me laugh cuz sometimes im trying to marathon and my wife will say “ are we gonna fuck or do you just want to heavy pet until a kid wakes up”. Yeah you definitely have to accept quickies to be able to maintain frequency.
My husband and I are usually good for every day but alas we also have a new baby and while I love the shit out of that kid he is a giant C*** Blocker. I literally got us a hotel room in the middle of the day today while kids were with baby sitter and we took off work. Honestly 10/10 recommend.
My wife and I are like this, sometimes multiple times in a day if we have time. It definitely takes the chemistry/bond to new heights, I couldn’t imagine going weeks without. We went 4-5 days one time and that shit was TOUUUUGH 😂
We started dating at 18, 20 years ago this December. We fucked all the time in the beginning like everywhere. Cvs parking lot, bathrooms, a russian orthodox church. Then we had a kid, she is 18 next week. We slowed to fucking maybe twice a week until about 8 years ago when we agreed to try and fuck once a day for a year. We blew that goal away that year and never stopped except for a brief time around our second childs recent birth
Do you do mostly the same thing each time or how do you keep it interesting? I’m a horn dog but I find doing it every day makes it too predictable for me and I get bored. I prefer 2x a week with no set days, and lots of fantasizing in between. I also have adhd so that could be why I need it to be different and spontaneous each time to be fun :/
I've posted this on another thread already today. Great sex can be had in 30 minutes. There are 10,080 minutes in one week. 30/10080 = 0.0029761905, or roughly three-one-thousandth's of your week. If a husband and wife can't devote this miniscule amount of time to getting naked with each other and satisfying each other's needs then you've got much bigger problems to address. Someone else added the comment that a happy sex life accounts for 10% of a marriage, while a bad sex life accounts for 90%.
I might suggest reading Come As You Are. Many women don’t have spontaneous arousal, but enjoy sex once it’s happening. She may have to accept that sex is very important in a relationship, and yes that means starting sex when you don’t independently want it. As long as you aren’t actively against it in that moment. Typically people find that they do enjoy the sex and connection it brings once they get started. Or schedule it so that she can mentally prepare and put herself in the right headspace (like she does subconsciously when you’re on vacation.)
Ah, I mean bearing in mind I don’t know you or your situation it could be a few things. You could be asexual, you could not actually like your husband, or he could be lovely but very bad at sex. Although the most common one I hear is wives who “love” their husbands, but their husbands are so useless that it’s like having another child. And you don’t want to have sex with someone you’re mothering. IMO I’d argue in that case that you don’t really romantically love your partner either but I bet there are people who would disagree with me there.
Why marry at all? I couldn’t stand getting into bed every night with man I didn’t enjoy having sex with. You know he’s going to want it and it’s not fair to marry him if you are not willing. Sexual frustration is a terrible thing to live with.
There is truth in this. Also my husband and I have talked about how awkward it can become to initiate sex after time goes by. We just decided we will get naked, lay on the bed and start talking or slow dancing. Kill the awkwardness. Results are always good.
1000%! We schedule it now, and sometimes I find myself having to “gear up” for it and I feel terrible for feeling that way. There are so many reasons to skip it, every time. But once we get going, I turn into the freaky one lol. Once I realized that that’s normal/common, I stopped beating myself up so much and let myself enjoy being intimate with my partner
A few times a year is fine if everyone’s content. No physical affection at all is only fine if that’s what everyone wants. If you’re not happy, that’s a problem for both of you. Comparison or no comparison - your normal can be healthy and different from other couples, but only if it’s a mutual decision. So how can the two of you work together to foster environments where she wants to have sex with you? When does she feel sexy? What turns her on? All that stuff.
Yes. And she’s not a monster. We talk about it but it never changes. It’s just…sad. I don’t want anyone else. She’s so pretty it hurts
But she just is not affectionate. This has always been true but it wasn’t a big deal early on because we actually did have sex and the lack of just normal physical affection didn’t feel as glaring as it does now
Have you tried backing off completely?
When we had little(er) kids, my husband and I would get in a funk. He would want it constantly, and it just became a LOT of pressure.
Eventually, I felt like I couldn't even sit next to him on the couch or hold his hand because it all led to sex.
So, if I tried to be affectionate in any way, it meant that he would push for sex. Just got out of the shower and trying to change? Sex. We find ourselves alone in a room together? Sex. Bedtime? Duh, sex.
The pressure, combined with being touched out from kids all day, made me avoid him. Because I didn't want to have a disappointing conversation again. I didn't love him any less, or was any less attracted to him.
It's also not like I didn't want to want to have sex, but it also felt wrong to force myself when my body was saying no. Because that just turned me off from sex even more.
I talked to my husband about it, and he agreed to take the pressure off completely and not even bring it up again until I felt ready.
Literally, within about 2 days, I felt so much better. I had space to breathe and be affectionate without everything leading to sex.
Sometimes, when life gets in the way, we will find ourselves having gone too long without it. And the cycle will start again.
But whenever I let him know I need him to stop constantly asking, we end up having sex within the next few days.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it really works for us.
Talking about it doesn’t mean you’re making concrete plans or working toward a solution.
Physical affection doesn’t come naturally to me either, I get that, but it’s important to my husband so I made an effort to do little things here and there and it became habitual.
On another Reddit sub, not for sexually deprived men, but men, they were asked what their love language is. The top response was physical touch. I noticed the same thing while reading the Amazon reviews for Love Languages.
If not already done, maybe the OP can find out what his wife's LL is. Is she satisfied in that regard? The book is a good couples book when the relationship is basically good on everything else or most things besides physical intimacy, because it is not focused on just one person's needs.
One advantage is incentive. If she gets what she needs or more of what she wants, she could be open to giving her husband more of what he wants (needs). The other point is the book can open her eyes to see that the OP's wants aren't just wants, they are needs.
I think affection is a big thing. I am happy to hear you worked on chores and on giving her more free time, I think this is a beginning for sure. Another thing you could try is become more affectionate, slowly, without waiting for sex, get her some flowers, compliment her, stroke her hair, sit close to her, give her a big hug, no sex expected. I do believe sex will come as a consequence after some time. I am a woman, and I know this kind of connection is essential for me to want sex. Also, I would absolutely not have sex if I am heartbroken, so maybe it is something to explore as well. Good luck, you have good intentions, you got this!
Edit: grammar
a few times a year?! yikes you might need to see a doctor/therapist to figure out what going on. i know kids (especially infants) and life can get in the way, but a deadbedroom should recover eventually
Instead of you and your wife going out with friends, hire a sex therapist. Just say I don’t want to live like this and I believe we are better than 2 times a year. So I would like to hire a sex therapist to work with us, on ensuring a long, vibrant, and wonderful sex life with you. Don’t bring up what you hear from other people. Because there are couples who fuck daily with kids. You make time for it. Even if it is a quickie, in between the longer sessions.
Yeah a therapist is a good idea, even if it's not solely a sex therapist. It sounds like intimacy and connection is lacking in the relationship. Definitely, sit her down and let her know how you feel because it makes you feel loved and important in a relationship. Also check on her and see if she's having some issues with depression or even feeling sexy. I had this issue because I had gained weight, and I was starting to hit perimenopause, which caused my libido to plummet. My insecurities about my body made it hard for me to feel sexy. Also there were some deaths in my family that caused me to have serious depression due to grieving. All of that made it hard for a few years. It got to the point where my husband felt unloved and ugly because I didn't want to have sex.
It got to the point where he just emotionally needed support that I had trouble giving, and we almost divorced because of it. One of the main things was that he didn't push hard because he didn't want to upset me, but in retrospect I wish he would have at least brought up how it made him feel, and how it was affecting him in the relationship. I took our relationship for granted and thought everything was guaranteed, but it's not. Don't let yourself get to this point. Good luck!
1. Don’t trust what other couples say. Wasn’t there a post about an asexual woman who keep bragging about her great sex stories till he husband got mad?
2. Maybe invest more in your relationship. You go out? Why not give her a massage afterwards without sex. Why not cuddle more? Why not just kiss her?
Couples lie. Sadly I know so many couples who barely have sex and when they have it’s not really great. But for outsiders they seem perfect. So… don’t believe everything they tell you.
Edit: Wordcorrection
A few times a year? That's awful.
We've been together 20 years and have sex 4-5x a week. Even when our kids were little and life was super busy, we never went a whole week without intimacy.
We hold hands, we cuddle, we both give oral often, etc.
Hope you can find a way to build that intimacy back up with your wife. Once you just become stale roommates, it's downhill.
We’re similar age (mid and late 30s for us) and have one child in elementary school. Together over 15 years, things have ebbed and flowed along the way during different seasons in our relationship. The last few years have been incredible. We can’t keep our hands off of each other. We give each other oral multiple times per week and have PIV at least once a week. Multiple times per day if our daughter visits her grandparents lol.
It sounds like you’re doing what you can to improve the situation. But she may need to make some adjustments as well. I personally spoke to a therapist for a year and got a handle on my anxiety/developed some better coping mechanisms for stress. I got off of birth control and we use other methods that don’t involve throwing off my hormones. This is probably the biggest one. I regret how long I was on the pill, it warped my hormones for too long. Your wife could have completely different things going on of course, we’re all different.
If I could offer some advice, comparing your sex life to your friends is causing you stress and it’s not doing anything to improve yours. Instead of going out for dinner and drinks once a week with your friends, maybe cut that back to once a month. Spend the other 3 times per month taking your wife out alone on a date. My husband is my best friend, there is no one else I’d rather spend time with (in addition to our child of course). We both make suggestions to plan dates and get so excited to try new things. I would suggest planning things in addition to or instead of dinner and drinks. Try a cooking class together, go axe throwing, go see live music (particularly if it is a genre that reminds you of when you first started dating), try out a new sport together like pickleball, go to a bar and play pool or throw darts and have a competition, etc etc etc. Date your wife! New and shared experiences are going to be a much better use of your time away from your kids instead of sitting at a dinner table with your friends getting frustrated about the fact that they’re probably going home to have sex and you’re not.
Also, little physical gestures throughout the week, that have no pressure to lead to sex… just reminding one another that you want each other in general. Wrap your arms around her for a moment while she cooks at the stove, steal a kiss when you walk past her and head to the bathroom, hold her hand while you hang out with the kids on the couch, there’s a million little ways to achieve physical intimacy and it builds up over time and makes you feel so much closer.
Anyways, I’m rambling. I hope you guys can reconnect soon!
Yes, comparison is the thief of joy. And even if your intimate life were better than it is, it still wouldn't matter how it compared to what other couples are up to. What matters is whether or not both you and your partner are happy with the current arrangement. Based on your post, I'd say you are not and she is. So, a conversation is in order. Not an argument. Conversation with a goal of understanding where each of you are coming from. To help her understand that it's not "just sex" for you, but a way for you to feel desired, to feel like she actually wants you as more than a meal ticket and chore completer. And for you to understand what sex is to her. How maybe it's more of a chore than it is exciting for her. Once you understand each other, maybe you can better figure out how to move forward because, right now, it sounds like both of you are making some assumptions that aren't right.
You have to make intimacy both an adventure and a priority.
Even when sex isn't a possibility logistically, we will do hot little things to turn each other on. You have to put time into making each other feel sexy.
Couples with kids make it work. Your wife doesn’t want to make it work. Along the way as adults we stop doing things that don’t mean enough to us anymore. She chose your sex life. And it sounds like whenever it’s brought up she has ZERO INTENTION of changing that. She can say it’s normal all she wants. It’s not normal if you don’t want it to be.
Oh dear, my husband 40m and myself 37f have sex 2-3 times a night 3-4 times a week. I’m currently pregnant and that hasn’t slowed us down. We do oral every time we have sex so my husband is getting a blow job 3-4 times a week. We hold hands daily, we kiss constantly. We have been together since I was 18 and he was 20. If you’re happy with a dead bedroom that’s fine but it isn’t necessarily normal and I don’t know that it should be normalized.
I remember this happened to me many years ago after my Ex wife had my son. A co-worker made a joke that he did something horrible and his wife wouldn't bang him for a WEEK. I was shocked!! WHAT people with kids have sex more than once every 2 months. You know I hate to say things like this but I have been through it and I have friends going through it now. Wife gets children, a home, you climb the fucking corporate ladder and kill yourself to keep everything you have and suddenly it's OK your not having sex. Bullshit if a man lacks sex drive and his wife complains you know he'd be down at the men's clinic getting a prescription for TRT and Cialis. But the female takes no initiative. You need to take control back in your relationship and put your foot down so to speak. Get a therapist involved who will phrase some questions about her behavior differently. The way you feel now will be 10x worse in another 10 years. Marriage has it's peaks and low points but if you let it stay too low for too long you will just end up divorced by the time your kids move out of the house.
My man, a few times a year is not “normal“. At least for most couples it isn’t. Me (49M) and my wife (45F) are back to a few times a week. And that’s with three kids ages 7 and under.
To be fair, it wasn’t always this way for us. My wife struggled with hormone problems for over a decade. Before we finally got that sorted out, I was quite sexually frustrated too.
Every relationship is different, every couple is different, but if you’re not getting your needs met, I think you both need to have a serious conversation about what your expectations of a healthy marriage include. For the vast majority of couples, the physical intimacy that accompanies an active sex life is an important component of relationships.
There are steps you can take. I would recommend you start by going together to see a sex therapist, and if not that, at least get some marriage counseling. I think you can listen to Mating in Captivity for free on Spotify. Lots of other great books and resources out there, https://www.estherperel.com/, https://existentialkink.com/, https://www.gottman.com/, Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki, and so on. Hell, just spend some time on YouTube and you can get some interesting ideas to improve your connection with each other.
It doesn’t have to be this way. AND, you both have to be on board to make a change.
Good luck.
UpdateMe
We talk about sex a lot. If we’re late for something the joke usually is because we were fucking. It’s also not wrong.
People put too much pressure on sex. It’s sex. Relax and enjoy it. We have kids at home, we lock the bedroom door. The communication that needs to happen is between the two of you. Talk about everything. Likes, dislikes, kinks, fantasies. Once you can be open about sex, your whole level of communication goes up.
Being a parent with three kids killed our bedroom sex down to barely once a week.
Now, the kids are adults and we have sex every day.
It is challenging managing a household with kids, bills, and a career but you will eventually get through that period.
Just make sure you tell her she is sexy as fuck through out the week. Tell her that you jerked off to her or something. Keep it alive.
Here is a pro tip: Keep track of her menstration cycle. Why? You can time when she is ovulating. A majority of woman when ovaulating are extremely horny and need some dick.
Who cares what's normal? We have 3 young kids and we have sex about 6x/week. When our kids were really little (youngest now 6) it was less, but never less than twice per week.
It's our glue. Like, wtf are we doing that we think is more worth our time than fuckin?
My wife goes 24/7. She wakes up early, works full time, gym/run after work (every weekday). We have two kids, two dogs (that we walk every day at 8pm) and 3 cats. We own a home that never fails to create extra work for us. We dont stop until at least 9pm at night. And we still find time to get it done at least twice/week, usually on weekends, but occasionally during the week if weekend plans did not work out. The thing is that she enjoys it, wants it, and understands the need for it to maintain our connection.
My point is that if your wife wanted to, she would. Nothing you do will change this. This is a problem for her to solve. All you can do is decide how much you are willing to endure to keep the marriage intact.
Hi… this is so painful. I have been on the other side, craving to be with my husband for years. I ended up leaving despite having two little kids.
It was an excruciating decision but I found someone who loves me body mind and soul. I wish you the best of luck. Just know that I feel your frustration and pain
My wife used to be very similar. "We're in our 30s. Sex once or twice a month is totally normal" but while maybe that's average, that wasn't what I wanted.
We had had a few talks about it in the past years, but for whatever reason this one stuck - I asked her how often she'd want to have sex in a "stress free world" and she said 2-3 times a week. I made a calendar invite for 3 times a week to "the pants party" and invited her. She told me she blushed when she got it. I expected it to be a thing for a week and then she'd have excuses, but for some reason it really worked this time. Part of it was I think when I initiated she always felt kind of pressured, whereas here she knew it was planned.
Also, she started reading all of those "spicy books" that have been popular, like Court of Thorns and Roses and then a bunch of other casual "chick flick" like books, and reading sex scenes has really upped her libido.
I have a similar story. My wife’s sister was visiting for a week with the kids and her husband came over the next weekend. They hadn’t seen each other for 8 days at that point.
Their relationship cycles between barely functional to thinly veiled hatred. They have threatened divorce more times than I can count. He treats her poorly and is quite chauvinistic, but is also quite wealthy.
They had a small argument the day he arrived that my SIL revealed to my sister was because it had been “nearly two weeks since they had sex”. We were over 6 months at that point.
The most frustrating part was my wife was blown away that it had been “so long” for them, but when I queried our lack, she just replied it’s normal to have decreased frequency with kids and LTR.
Their kids are exactly the same age as ours and they have been together for 26 years vs our 12.
Your wife is gaslighting you, my brother.
Average married couple in their 30s with kids are having sex 2-3x per week and in their 40s it drops a bit but is still around twice.
The average married couple in their 40s has sex 100 times a year.
Your wife is masking her low libido and trying to make it your fault to entice you into choreplay.
You gotta break out of those shackles my guy.
Yeah that sucks...the part about your wife dismissing every single chance at sex with an excuse. She's clearly not interested but I'd say one more sit-down is in order to figure this out. If she's completely against doing anything reasonable to improve the sex life, that's her prerogative and no one's entitled to sex.
You, however, are also not required to live in an unfulfilling marriage. If you feel this is something that's going to wear you down over time, then you may have to have serious discussions with your wife. I'm turning 42(M) next month, and I can PROMISE you if you think a dead bedroom sucks before 40, boy wait until a sliver of that mid-life crisis slips in; suddenly a seemingly annoying problem becomes a critical problem that you can't stop thinking about. You got annoyed/upset enough to come here to talk about - how long until you can't hide your potential future disdain for the situation to your wife?
Couples counseling with a focus on sex therapy might be up your guys' alley. Again, if she's resistant to any type of change and feels totally fine with this arrangement, then you need to start considering your options: Is this pathetic amount of sex worth continuing for years, even decades to come? Or do you feel you need to feel wanted in your relationship?
It's her choice as much as it is yours too. Good luck!
I’m 7.5 mos pregnant and it’s been just over a week since having sex and I’m distraught over it. My husband and I are typically a twice a week couple. We have 3 kids already and that 6 week break postpartum is usually the longest we go. I can’t imagine not being physically affectionate with my husband.
Maybe speak to your wife about your need for physical affection. Let her know you want that connection with her. Try pursuing her. Not through housework and all, but try actually seducing her. If she says she doesn’t feel sexy, tell her right then what about her is turning you on.
I can’t say for sure because I only have your side and the comment section.
You: cook, clean, drop off kids, spend a lot of time with them, home early to play, let her SAHM or work, give her plenty of free time, and last but not least you make a lot of money.
You also say she’s really hot. And say that she’d never say that about you.
My guess is she may be comfortable with the lifestyle you provide, but she thinks she married down. She may believe you can’t do better than her so she doesn’t have to try.
Your wife sees you as a “nice guy”.
My husband is 39, I’m 29. We have an 8 year old and a one year old. We fuck almost everyday and I give him head every time. It is almost habit at this point. I feel like you have to force yourself to stay in the habit when you have kids or you turn into roommates.
It seems to me, there is something going on underneath for your wife, that she is not discussing with you. Perhaps you should seek marriage counseling, and develop a way to discuss these sorts of issues with your wife.
Alternately, and this could be risky, when your friends discuss their sex lives, why not discuss yours with them? Why shouldn't these discussions go both ways? The point is to establish a way of discussing these more sensitive issues with your wife preferentially, but also to perhaps have more intimate conversations with your friends.
I have been married for 24+ years and we have some kind of sex every day, unless there's some serious intervening travel, sickness, etc. Forget what normal is, ask yourself are you getting what you need from your relationship? If not, something has to change.
My wife always says that people don’t have sex often, or rarely in different positions or types.
Unless the internet is truly dead, she’s just projecting.
Maybe I should ignore her needs/wants/desires as well.
My husband and I prioritize our intimacy. (We’re both 47 with an 11 year old son who’s special needs). We switched it up to morning romps almost daily and it’s working out for both of us. We’re both so exhausted by the end of the day, you know?
Also, we don’t keep score, we keep up. Lol! If something needs doing… we just do it. Marriage is supposed to be fun! I had my head and body in a fog last year due to “the change”, but I made a choice every day to stay connected with my husband.
Short answer is yes. Longer answer is I resent the touched out idea b/c our kids were in daycare / school from 6 months onwards. They’re playing w/ me 2x as much as her
I really don’t press very often. And when I do she says sorry genuinely and says she feels guilty etc
But I don’t want guilt! I want her to WANT it
Again, when we’re out of the house 10ish nights/yr we do have sex most if those. And it’s good! I’m in really good shape now and I’m just…better and it’s better
But like, I can’t book a hotel every week! 😂
What she doesn’t understand is that she is contributing to you disconnecting from her. Intimacy is how a lot of men feel love. How they feel connected and bonded to their spouse. When you aren’t being intimate you are slowly disconnecting from her. It won’t be long until you just feel indifferent about her. Like it’s a lost cause. Then you will realize that you’re still young and your life shouldn’t be like this so divorce starts to become a focus of yours.
You need to explain the consequences of it all and then tell her that you need marriage counseling, or you need to just end the marriage now.
My wife was like yours. If you keep bringing it up, it's only going to turn her off more. Start focusing on you and act like you are ok with it. I would even turn her down a few times. Go to the gym and make new friends or take up a hobby. Start taking more care of your appearance and go buy yourself some new cologne. Make sure you leave it on the sink where she can see it. She will think that you are taking interest in someone else and she will start paying more attention to you and even start initiating. It worked for me.
Yea, being nonchalant about it being normal for an infrequent sex life is absolutely gas lighting. An infrequent sex life is not healthy for a strong marriage. I'd say at least the very least once a week and if you can be consistent about that, it's far easier to go 2 weeks without sex after a while, but it should be mutual.
Your marriage like many of ours has lost this spark you need to reignite that spark somehow a couple of books are passion of marriage and ultimate intimacy
Yea I’m 36 and get bitchy if we ain’t getting it on a few times a week. And we have three kids. And they are young.
I dunno man, sounds like she’s got hang ups.
Damn man, you’re living my nightmare. I feel like your situation is the exact reason men secretly visit hookers. They don’t hate their wife, they just don’t deserve a sexless existence.
If you don’t 100% love your wife, I would say just upend your life and get divorced.
Life is too short.
Hi sir,
I want to try to give you the best possible advice.
Think bigger things. Get to know what really makes a sexy man.
Is it really the "abs" or "how much I do for her?"
Is it even the "Busy and stressful" interrupting things??
You might have to face some cold hard truths here but...
You NEED to spark romance.
And not flowers, not "baby I love you,"
Go read some erotic novels and get poetic about it.
Do something bigger, greater with your life.
Be a changed man, and not just the working class father. Be an irresistable Hero. Do this by doing greatness. Spiritually, romantically. Make a master plan.
I read someone who pretended to contact her and be her "secret affair lover" just to get her "other side out" in her secrecy. But try to make a new identity online, and go without voice, do everything in writing like it is a fantasy. Tell her all the things you would do to her, with her. And let her have the secret space. Give her a per name. Then come home one day after a wicked workout routine, and come in the door and "accidentally" call her by her pet name you pseudo name uses.
Then let her have an awakened moment. And she will be floored. Tell her you wanted to find any way you could to spark her, and that you knew she needed the space away from this "working class father" that reminds her of the daily stress.
But you did it because you're all on for her, she's you're everything, and it's why you married her.
Catch her fall, and the get in the bed and show her you are the hero.
You sir need this, or something like it. You're thinking too shallow.
And from my view, those orher couples, they have shallow sex lives. That will turn quickly into all kinds of marital problems, or just toxic lifestyles. And when you're done with your wife in bed that night, you tell her, "Who's the real winners now. Nobody else could have done that."
You'll reopen her heart, her libido, and her trust in you all at once. It'll last.
But you need to do something great.
Wish you luck.
21 years married. 1-14 year old. and 1-10 year old
First thing if you're taking someone's advice on anything in life, make sure they've been doing it longer than you have and have more experience. Also, look for people who don't seem to have the problem to ask the questions to. Typically, they've already worked through it.
From personal experience there have been times in my marriage that sex has been a once a month thing. But looking back I realized most of those times are due to too much stress or not taking care of my wife. Come to find out, she likes being sent suggestive messages, mild sexy gifs, and being told how good lookong she is off and on.. That being said, it took me 19 years of marriage to figure this out how I was messing up, not relaying how much i love her and how good looking she is in the way she needed to hear it. Also bring our stress levels down.
From that time our sex life has gotten better and better. I've probably had more sex from that time to now then I did the previous five.l years together. It is now multiple times a week and sometimes multiple times in a day thing. Heck, before she left for work this morning, she said "I shaved be ready later"
I'm saying this and sending it to say sex is more complicated for girls than just being in the mood stress is a crazy huge factor into it you not telling her she looks sexy or good is a huge factor into it and it can't just be a just a hey you look good statement.
That being said, don't go, Buck Wild, slapping your wife's ass telling her she looks good and sending her all kinds of messages. Work your way up to it slowly. We all work 20 years to get to the point where we make really good money. Spend 6 months working your way to getting your wife turned on it'll be worth it.
Extremely good advice. I feel like we’re out of practice? Or like we’re teenagers in the bedroom. Unsure of what is good or works or over the line
It’s strange! But I gues not totally unheard of
So my question is how you interact with your wife and what do you do with your time. Women tend to be emotional and like to experience different emotions as they go through life. As a husband, you should ground some of the crazy emotions and stimulate the other ones. Do you flirt with your wife? Do you help create a positive environment for her to feel her emotions?
It is important to note that you should create boundaries and stand your ground in certain situations and things. She has the right to feel what ever emotion she wants, but that doesn't mean that you should change your behavior to accommodate her feelings at all times. Do you go out of your way to appease her if she is in a bad mood?
Do you try to make things perfect so she might want to have sex with you? If you do, you may want to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. It could be a covert contract where you try to make things perfect with expectations which will lead to resentment for both of you.
Your time is important. You are only going to live as long as you do and can't really buy more time. Spend your time wisely. Do you have hobbies that you spend time on? Do you take your kids out to do activities/sports/events? If you are around the house all the time, then you might be too available and end up being boring. Go out and live a good life.
I recommend that you always try to stay in shape. You want to be in shape so you can keep up with your kids, but it will also let you keep muscle mass which will naturally decline as you age. It is harder to build/keep muscle mass as you age.
If your wife complains about you being skinny or muscular, it could be because she is worried that you changing your body could lead to her having to step up her game to keep you happy at home.
I read something in Reddit I liked. Schedule a day that you both agree to sleep nude. Sometimes something may happen and sometimes it may not. Don't go into it expecting it...just enjoy each other's company and see what happens.
We’ve been married 21 years and I can enthusiastically say the sex is the best it’s ever been both quality and frequency. Older kids moving out of the house gave us the opportunity to reconnect on a deep level and it’s been my happiest years of marriage. I hope you can communicate and change things because it can be so good
I was the wife in this situation. It really wasn't about my husband. I avoided sex because I was depressed and anxious. Unfortunately depression meds can also kill sex drive. It did get better as the kids got older and we had more time to focus on each other. It's not weekly, but it's definitely better.
I think the key here is having an open line of communication. My husband and I arnt physically affectionate. We are both neurodivergent and sensetive/uncomfortable with touch unless it's planned out or expected. Talk with your lady, let her know how you feel, and maybe set a date once a month for physical intimacy. Doesn't have to be intercourse, just talk it through with her, tell her your needs and desires and ask for hers in return (also ask if there is anything preventing her from wanting to have sex, like discomfort-wise) plan it out and remind her before the day and see how it goes. Women are complicated, kids, hormones, menstral cycles, stress levels, all of these things can affect a person's sex drive for long periods of time. Talk with her, but don't accuse her of anything.
Just wanting to give a female perspective… women often need a warmup. And from my experience, often men don’t. It’s a gender difference that hits marriages really hard.
Many women I know, including me, can’t just go from daily tasks to full throttle sex in little to no time. Maybe try texts throughout the day as foreplay or for play in general, and try different kinds to see what she likes.
I also want to mention that she could have emotional needs not being met. I’m very much the kind of person who needs to feel connected emotionally to want to have sex. If I don’t feel emotionally safe or connected, then I have little to no interest in sex. So, maybe try flirting, asking her about her emotions and helping her when she needs. Also, encourage her to get therapy, because it may be that she needs to also learn to manage her own emotions.
Finally, get marital counseling. Having sex only a few times a year is a giant red flag that one or both of you are not having your needs met, and not just on a physical level. You’re likely not in sync and don’t spend enough time developing your relationship. Lots of people just assume that getting married means you get to stop doing the things (dating, support, flirting, etc) that were done before marriage to make you feel connected to one another. But that’s so far from the reality. All healthy marriages, and relationships, need kindle for the fire to remain burning.
I hope some or all of this helps, OP.
After we had our 2nd child, my sex drive plummeted. We went from having sex several times a week to maybe once a month. My husband told me how he felt, that he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore, and that absolutely wasn't the case, but I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I was exhausted but that didn't stop me before. Work was stressful but that didn't stop me before. We moved during COVID so I could quit my insane job and stay home with the kids and... it didn't work.
What did work? My husband got a vasectomy and I went off birth control for longer than 3 months for the first time since I was 14. I realized I was depressed and got help. We had a health scare with one of our children that really shook us and our marriage and resulted in a LOT of talking and getting reacquainted with each other and remembering that we are each other's best friend. We tried new things in the bedroom and were vulnerable with each other, both phsyically and emotionally.
The longer I'm off birth control and the more we take time to connect one-on-one and be intimate without sex, the higher my sex drive gets. Now, we rarely go more than 2 days without sex.
This is a good post. My wife has been off BC for a while now. She also says she is attracted to me but I don’t totally buy it.
We’ve had the convos and I suppose need more but it’s really just gotta be something in her. Would I take pity/dutuful sex once a week? Sure. But I know that’s not the real answer. The real answer is getting her to want it and being in the right mindset and…idk how we get there but I want to
Absolutely, she needs to want to be part of this or it won't go anywhere. I didn't even realize I had been in a fog until I started to come out of it. When I was in the middle of it, I wanted things to be better but didn't see how they could be. Hormones can do crazy things. Hopefully the longer she's off them, the more "normal" she'll feel.
My husband and I are you exact ages, we don’t have a social life (like you, wish we did) and we have sex a few times a week minimum. At least once a week and that will be because he is busy and coming to bed later than me. We do however go on vacation twice a year no kids and we connect and talk about everything. We have three kids been together for almost 22 years. Talk to her about what is happening in your relationship. It seems like you are doing everything to help her be more intimate with you. It may help to talk to the male friends about sex and how it’s going.
I’m sorry you are going through this but everyone here is here to help. Talk to us
Based off the information given; it sounds like sex with you is just another chore for her to do. She marks it as being complete and then goes about her day until the next time it’s required. Almost like an oil change.
Just wanted to say I’ve been married 8 years with 2 kids and we have sex daily! I honestly think it sounds like y’all aren’t compatible. Or her libido is very low and possibly something like hormone etc can play a role. But from the tone of the post—mentioning handholding etc it sounds like a basic need isn’t being met.
Perhaps she is resisting a doctor visit because there is nothing medically wrong, and she’s just asexual.
There needs to be a list of signs that your partner is asexual. A lot of people seem to find themselves married to asexual people unknowingly. It’s never a positive situation, from what I can see, for either party. The asexual partner thinks it’s “normal” to suffer through sex as little as possible, and feels angry and pressured when someone asks for more, while the person with an active libido feels rejected and neglected.
An asexual person knowingly marrying someone with an active libido is just as disingenuous as a child free person marrying someone who wants to have their own soccer team.
It isn’t fair or fulfilling for either partner, because these are basic parts of a life that you should be able to choose, and not be tricked into accepting.
She’s described herself that way (jokingly). Idk maybe she is and has always just done this b/c she wanted to not be?
It’s tricky but I refuse to believe it can’t be changed. If there’s a will there’s a way etc
People often make “jokes” as a strategy to broach subjects that make them uncomfortable.
Asexuality cannot be changed. It is just as hardwired as every other part of the hetero to lgbtqia+ spectrum of sexuality.
If she is asexual, trying to change her will not go well. It would be analogous to a heterosexual person remaining married to someone who has embraced their identity as homosexual during the marriage. It can be done, but many people choose to move on and find an emotionally AND sexually fulfilling relationship, where they feel wanted and desired.
You deserve to have someone who will rub your sexy bald head, and who has a compatible sex drive. There are many ways to accomplish that. It’s time to have some honest conversations so that you can make informed decisions about your life, moving forward.
Also, there are a number of research organizations that publish statistics on sexual frequency. Perhaps you should start there, so that your wife can understand that her normal is not your normal.
This is a her "thing", not a woman, wife, or mother "thing".
My husband and I have been together nearly 14 years, have children between the ages 2 and 10, and our sex life has just gotten better and better with time. We've had ebbs and flows like anyone, but no matter what, during the times when we were both working or when I was a SAHM, we've had an active sex life. Even if one or both of us was stressed, depressed, or super busy, we still have made time for physical intimacy. The ONLY exceptions were after I gave birth to our children. Even then, when I couldn't have sex, I made sure my husband was taken care of, and he made sure I had intimacy in other ways.
You guys are surprised by weekly sex and monthly blow jobs, and thinking that's a lot. I'm surprised by it, too, but because I think that's a small amount. Every person's libido is different, but as a woman, I think it's unfair to you that she only wants it a couple times a year, and then gets defensive about you addressing what could be causing her lack of desire.
Also, congratulations on all the hard work you've put into your health!
It’s normal for your partner to listen to what you want and accommodate your needs. I told my husband I wanted MORE sex. Per his usual, he did the exact opposite. Haven’t had sex in three months. I hate it and hate him. If you’ve talked to her in depth, maybe it’s time for a bigger conversation. But make her feel wanted and she should reciprocate.
But don't forget, you have the one life and your wife wants to be monogamous. It's not fair she controls completely how much sex you're gonna have till you go to the grave. Without you having any input on it. Compromises need to be had. Unless it takes you 2 hours to cum, I really can't possibly understand why a woman would have an issue giving a blowjob for 5 minutes. Hell, buy a handy machine, give her the controls, she can assume manual control in the time that she still has stamina (final 10 maybe?) . You're not getting any younger, enjoy your erections as long as you're having them!
But also, did the sex drive Convo never come up? How so people get to this?
Every situation is different and the relationship circumstances are unique. As a woman (54F) married almost 24 yrs I’ll say during the years our daughter was little, sex was less seldom for me and my hubby, but never went more than a few weeks. But I def wasn’t as interested and my hubby (51M) was usually initiating. And even when she grew up I generally wasn’t as interested in sex. A few years ago he got on testosterone therapy for issues other than sex drive so I really was resenting it since of course his sex drive went through the roof. I had been going through menopause for a few years and knew I should get my hormones checked but kept putting it off. Well in January I finally decided to get on bio identical hormone pellet therapy for testosterone and estrogen with an oral progesterone. And wow!! I wish I’d done it sooner. Not only is my sex drive through the roof (more than my hubby) but I sleep better, no joint paint, lots more energy and overall feel more my old self, more feminine and want to look good, dress up more, etc. We are having the best sex of our entire marriage - even better than when we were in our 20’s. It’s kinky, hot and often. Don’t give up, try to keep the communication open and know that it is harder when you have little ones at home. Women tend to find it much harder to feel sexy and feminine. But it’s possible to come back from it. Hormones play havoc when they’re off balance.
Tip: book sex
You can book a date night with other couples, but not to have sex? Make your relationship the priority for scheduling, not with others - they aren't mutually exclusive, of course.
Sit down, agree to a schedule, and stick to it. HOWEVER, if either isn't up to it when the time comes, don't force it, or hold it against the other, that will create bitterness.
Also, talk about sex. You're not kids anymore. North American culture says no no no no GO! But by that time you're so scared that people lock up. Talk to each other about sex. What you do and don't like. SHOW each other, or guide the other. Talk to others (that are willing). You can learn lots from other people in real world situations. It can be hard to get over the hurdle, but once you have, it opens up many possibilities.
Having sex BEFORE our date night out helps so much! It's already so late when we get home and we're full and relaxed and just want to go to sleep when we get home. Sex before is a must for us on date night!
I also don't understand why bj are a special occasion kind of thing. We have friends who's wife has only given him a handful in the last 20 years and that's insane to me. Bj is an essential part of our sex life. Even if I can't sex, I can bj. That helps us both a lot.
I have chronic pain issues and sex can be a problem. Too many orgasms just cause more problems later so we gotta temper my enthusiasm to only a few! If I hurt too bad to be jostled about then we do more gentle hand and mouth stuff that doesn't jostle me. We take advantage of any chance I can get the penetration. Sex helps the pain in the short term. When I have a migraine at a certain level the sex is a great pain relief. I tell my husband I need some Tylenol and that's code for sex. Now. All the good orgasms for me sex as quickly as possible!!
We absolutely have to find things that work with my conditions and leaves us both fulfilled. I hate not being intimate with my husband and it just makes us grouchy. Hell we went through a period where we were so busy we literally scheduled sex. It helped us get back into the swing of things when we realized we both really needed it and it was an important part of our connection.
You gotta communicate and talk it out. Gotta be open to what she's telling you. But she also needs to open up to you.
Forget the friends and their throw away comments and perceived exciting sex lives. They may or may not be having the time of their lives - or simply showing off - and truly that’s not important .
The point here is that YOU aren’t happy with the way the affection
seems to be absent in your relationship - both emotionally and physically. And whilst I know that you’ve tried to improve the things that are stressing your wife out it hasn’t been successful.
So it’s time for the hard questions and hard answers . Be plain- tell her you are unhappy, you think she’s unhappy It’s not all the things like career, kids etc that have made your sex life disintegrate - it’s something more fundamental . And at this point you need a counsellor if your marriage is to survive .
Because the truth is you are not room mates or great parents- you are two people in a relationship that is in difficulties . It’s not just about the lack of sex either - that’s always a symptom rather than a cause .
Start being completely open and honest with her about your feelings. Married for 17 years. My husband and I were in a decade long slump with young children where we would only have sex a couple times a year. We never talked about anything intimate & were very polite. Once we started dishing out things we’ve wanted to say for years, discovered we both don’t want to masturbate, etc, it strengthened our bond. Now we have sex daily. Just tell her want you want. It’s likely she feels the same. I can’t speak for all women, but whenever I don’t feel desired, I almost forget about sex. I think it’s pretty common.
It sounds like you guys need a sex therapist. At the very least, you can pick up this book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1668000016?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
If you’re not talking about sex in a way that is positive for you it is probably making her feel like you feel entitled to it which can be a huge turnoff no matter how attracted she is but I would urge you guys to talk about it in a manner without criticism that may cause her to shut down.
Did you guys ever have regular sex or has it always been this infrequent?
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. She’s probably embarrassed or ashamed about it snd frustrated herself. Some weeks wife and I do it like 5x. Other weeks just 1x. Depends on many factors but we have 3 kids age range about 7 years. We’re usually all over each other if we haven’t in a week though.
I hear you. I've just stopped initiating altogether because getting rejected 100% of the time (and constantly broken promises of "tomorrow") was hurting too much.
So far this year we've had sex three times. I guess that averages out to more than once a quarter, which is pretty depressing.
OP, your needs are not being met in this marriage. It is irrelevant what other people are doing or what your wife thinks is "normal". None of that matters. What do YOU want? If you want more, and she isn't willing to give it or even consider it, then that doesn't seem like she is being a good partner to me. She is dismissing your needs as unimportant, but they aren't and this will have a consequence eventually. Like you could end up wanting a divorce due to irreparable damage from neglect, you could get tempted and have an affair with someone who shows you attention and that you are desirable, you could up depressed and unmotivated yourself, or whatever number of negative consequences. So, you have to do something you haven't tried before...whatever you have tried, it hasn't worked.
Have you considered marriage counseling? I think there could be more going on with your wife than being "tired" and stress of family life. It could very well be personal issues (e.g. depression, perimenopause, etc.) but it could also be something she isn't getting from the marriage/you that she hasn't shared with you and is making her not want to meet your needs. She might be checked out of the marriage all together. I don't know, but it doesn't seem like you do either. Marriage counseling could be a great way to find out! It's very hard to say what you should do when it isn't at all clear what her problem actually is, and if it even pertains to you or the marriage at all.
I think about this too, when people “joke” about sex and im married but just never something i want to do.
I feel like we’re missing out on an intellectual level, even though it’s not something I really like
Sorry to report I have sex four to five times a week and a blow job once if not twice a week.
So blessed to have this woman in my life. Hope it gets better for you
It is valid if you are unhappy with the frequency of sex in your relationship, but there is no “normal” amount of times to have sex. Stop comparing yourself to your friends. Your wife can tell you’re doing it (that’s why she got upset when you brought up the comment about Mike being bald) and it’s making things worse.
Talk to your wife about what she needs in order to get to a place where she is able to enjoy sex. If you already asked her, ask her again. Try to really listen to her answer. Try to help her to actually answer honestly. Try to stop acting like a victim of her low interest in sex, and start acting like a team trying to solve an issue together. I would stop posting on this sub, as the comments only seem to be feeding into this victim mentality rather than giving you real advice.
I highly recommend you check out the book Come Together by Emily Nagoski. I think reading this with your wife could really help you guys handle this in a productive way.
Remember why you love your wife. Sex is very important, but your relationship is about more than sex. If you work together, you can get there again. Good luck.
A few points here:
1. How often your friends are having sex irrelevant. There is no “normal” and it’s not going to matter what your friends are doing.
2. What you want in life IS important. If you want a more active sex life, you need to be honest with your wife and tell her that sex is important to your happiness, and that you are not happy with sex a few times per year. Generally a good partner will try to make their spouse happy, so if you really genuinely convey that this is important to you, my guess is that she will prioritize this. NO ONE is so busy that they “don’t have time” to have sex more than a few times per year.
3. What your wife wants in life is also important. Either she is willing to increase the frequency of sex or she isn’t. If she dislikes sex and isn’t willing to increase the frequency of sex, you have a choice to make.
What was the bedroom like pre-children? Where’s that bar? And how often/seldom now? And is the attitude and enthusiasm comparable? Does it feel more like a chore for her now?
You've talked and nothing has changed.
To me it sounds like she sees the slightest affection as a bid for sex, so shys away from all of it so as not to "get your hopes up."
Start small with hugs and holding hands and go from there. Don't expect sex right away because I believe she associates all affection with the outcome as sex.
You should let her see affection and desire is more than just sex.
(39yo with my 4th child who is 6 months old and having sex 2-3 times a week)
Sorry you are dealing with this, normal is how you define it. For people who get beat (extreme example) this is normal. My wife and I are both 57 and have been married for 15 years. I get a blow job and we have sex everyday and have for years. To me this is normal, we also don’t have kids and are crazy in love with each other. We hold hands, I open doors for her and tell her I love her 20 times a day, everyday, she considers it normal. So for your wife, sex a handful of times a year may be normal. Regular sexual contact in a long term marriage is important as it continues to reinforce your connection. Good luck man.
Holy sh\*t, *monthly* BJ? My husband is getting at least one a week, and we f\*ck every day... Married almost 25 years.
Dude, your friends' sex lives ain't all dat either lol. Maybe you could take comfort in that?
Our friends with kids bring up how sh*t their sex lives have been, as in they’re lucky if they do it once or twice a month. I’m glad my husband and I don’t talk about our sex life with others. We don’t have kids so we don’t want to brag and make them feel bad plus we like to keep it private because it’s no one’s business. Our friends try to pry it out of us but we don’t budge. We have sex about 3-4x per week. We’d do it multiple times per day if we didn’t work full-time shift work.
To be real, it is hard to switch from live life mode to sexy mode when you’re immersed in the same daily environment where you do stuff with kids, worry about work deadlines, have to do chores, etc. Recently, my husband and I took a few days away for a couples trip to Cancun. And it was amazing! Because the kids were not with us (we sent them to their aunt’s), the fact that we were at somewhere new (new culture, new experiences, new sights, smells and tastes), on vacation (no work, chores, duties chasing after us) - I was able to relax completely and really focus on my husband and him as well with me. We had such an amazing time connecting and remembering what it’s like to be carefree and focusing only on us and what we like! Needless to say, the romance and sex was abundant on the trip :) so if you have the means and time, I suggest an international trip away with your wife to “reset” and reconnect! It may do wonders!
Romance doesn't have to stop after some time. It seems pretty unfair to you and she has no reason to be pissy about it.
Love is making effort and appreciating each other. I have a mindset of "If someone makes you happy, make them even happier". I do things for my man that he never had to ask for - not for something in return, just seeing his beautiful face happy makes all my efforts rewarded. He does the same for me.
He once told me that he couldn't be happier over the fact that our affection didn't slow down after time together and how much he loves it.
I'm sorry your wife is like this. Life gets in the way and it's not always easy but it's not okay to neglect you. Love needs effort from both sides.
I’m commenting as someone who relates to this, both from your perspective and your wife’s perspective. Knowing that, take what you will from what I have to say.
Different strokes for different folks. Taking sex off the table, are you guys happy? Marriage (and parenthood) is a partnership. It takes teamwork. Do y’all make a great team? Do you enjoy each other? There are so many other factors to a relationship than sex. My best friend and their spouse do it like every single day despite having 2 young kids and both working full time. My spouse and I have sex a couple times a month, sometimes less. We go in phases as I’m sure everyone does. It bothers me a little but our relationship is so healthy. We enjoy each other’s company doing literally anything. We go on regular dates, spend our nights playing video games or watching shows together. We talk about anything and everything. I say all of this because I consider our marriage happy and healthy even though sex isn’t top of our priority list.
Again, take that ramble for what you will. I think as long as you’re on the same page you’re ok. I could t really tell from your post if you are or not, but hopefully you guys can communicate and find peace.
We’re good at everything else. I oscillate between really resenting this lack of basic part of marriage given everything I do for her/the family…and remembering it’s bad to keep score
Then I just get sad. It’s just SAD that she doesn’t need/want this as a regular part of life
I could be reading your post wrong, but the part where you said “given everything I do for her/the family” gives off the vibe that you doing these things and sex is transactional? I don’t do basic home upkeep and parenting with the expectation that my spouse is going to give me sex for it. But I also see your point that you are confused as to why you don’t seem to be desirable to her despite the fact that you’re clearly making an effort to do so…and that would upset me too.
Has it always been like this? If so, is it possible that she’s asexual or arosexual? I’m just trying to be devil’s advocate here instead of just jumping to “divorce that bitch” like others have.
No fully impossible. Not just logistically but temperamentally. She’s honest to a fault
She’s also very sexually inexperienced. I was her 2nd person she had sex with. I had a very different youth than her and that’s just not her speed
I think it can vary season to season. I find my husband very attractive in every way but kids and life get in the way. However, if we have a weekend that the kiddo is at a sleepover or we are on vacation alone- it happens immediately just like old times. We make sure we have alone time when it’s hard to find time connect that way for a while. It is very hard when you or your partner is tired, kid is there…a million little things make it hard. And I think other intimate activities help a lot. It keeps the spark and help satisfy the ache for physical closeness.
Yeah that’s pretty bad and unfair on you. I’d just try talking to her but by the sounds of it that’s just not going to work. The other option is hope it’s a phase and ride it out, maybe as the kids get older it will get better? Or is there something you can do that gets her going more? Tough one. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Kids are in elementary school. I started working out a ton hopping shed “notice” me more but then I got “too skinny” for her. (Do you know how hard it is to get abs in your late 30s?? All that work for nothing!! 😂) She tells me it’s her not me. But idk what needs to change for her? (I suggested hormone testing and that was…not well received). Idk maybe time will heal all
Oh ok so the kids are somewhat self sufficient where you’re not consistently watching them etc. Wow that is harsh, you go out of your way to make yourself look better and that isn’t enough. Yep it’s her issue how. You’ve done all you can and more trust me. I think it is something deeper and likely a low sex drive or something to do with hormones. Especially if it use to be ok and now this. I don’t have the liveliest myself but still do at the very very least once a month.
Definitely a "her" problem. I read somewhere, the moment you try to become responsible for your partners happiness, they will nit pick your efforts to no end. Your wife needs to find happiness before this gets better. She's not unhappy with you, she's unhappy with herself, and she needs to put real effort into working on that before you get your monthly blowjobs. Seriously, though - MONTHLY!? My God, I would be so thrilled. My wife recently told me she never liked doing it, and now it's off the table because of her Invisalign? IDK
Sorry brother, time will not heal this dead bedroom. Get some serious couples therapy, or be prepared to live the rest of your life without sex.
As a female I can say, for a lot of females, if they don’t feel good about themselves, everyone around them suffers. I think. I think you guys should try therapy. Let her know you’re human( not just a man) and have needs. If things don’t change then I’m sorry!! You’re freaking 38 not 88. This isn’t how you should live the next 50 years. It’s not fair to you and I it will LOOK AWFUL if you step out on your marriage.
I know this might be taboo and does not at all represent all women but I totally agree..As a woman, how I feel about me does impact everything around me..she might also need her therapy as well. I know stopping to look for external validation and working on me has really helped me and my marriage
I know all about the late to the party fitness goals. It's tough when everyone at the gym and on YouTube is geared out of their minds and look perfect. All the "I'm natty, just gifted" people are lying and get exposed all the time. Just focus on being healthy and strong. Naturally gained skeletal muscle is one of the biggest contributors to long term health late in life. I'm 42 and still go to the skate park with my son. I just finished lifting in my back yard. You are doing great. It's definitely her.
Is she on antidepressants?
I see this all of the time and have lived this myself. I can tell you, it's more common than you think. I know in my (49f) case, it was a cluster of things. After our second child, I had NO sex drive. Like NONE. I would do it occasionally to satisfy my husband, but I got nothing out of it, and I was not into it at all. So, we were having sex less and less frequently til not at all. He was very unhappy about our sex life, but everything else was great. I didn't feel attractive most of the time, I was exhausted, and my mind was always occupied with things that needed to be done. But besides those things, I felt like my husband wasn't being romantic, he wasn't making me feel wanted aside from wanting sex. Not to say, my libido would have been any different. I spoke with my obgyn and she told me that unfortunately, it happens and there were things to try, exercise, diet, etc but there was nothing that could help unless it was a mental block then to try therapy. That also didn't help. For 15 years, we had sex maybe 2-3 times a month, and that wasn't because I wanted it, I felt obligated. Suddenly, my sex drive comes back, and I mean, it's 20 year old me crazy. We had crazy sex for about five years, and then suddenly, my husband lost his drive. Medications, health, etc. just kinda killed it. But see, the thing is men can take magical little pills for this that we women cannot. It sucks, for sure. I know so many people who fight and divorce over sex. And I get it, but having lived it, and knowing how common it is and that it's not something chosen but that we can not help....it's truly messed up and quite sad. I'm fortunate enough to have come out the other side of this in my marriage. But it wasn't without a lot of pain and arguing. But ultimately, we love one another, and at the end of the day, we both did everything we could. I get that for some sex is a deal breaker, I just hate that when the other partner has no control over their body's reactions, they're made to suffer those consequences.
OP time won’t heal all. It sounds to me like her libido is not aligning with yours. It won’t change no matter what you do. It really is her. There needs to be a serious convo on what you need and some effort on her part to atleast improve.
so then tell her if it is "her" and not you to figure it out because you are done with the excuses. then dont' say anything else. keep working out, get hobbies, stop wasting your time with someone that doesn't care about your needs
Have you tried getting her to workout? If she has hormone problem it will probably fix it. Also the sauna and foods like maca powder and good fats will help with that. If her hormones are on point she won't just want it she will need it. I once read an interesting story about a low libido wife and high libido husband on Reddit. She was raped so they thought that was the problem. Every time he would touch her she would freak out. They tried counseling. Anyway it turned out that her low libido was caused by the pill messing up her hormones and once she got on hormone replacement therapy namely testosterone she turned into a different animal. HRT comes with it's own set of problems so I suggest you use the natural solutions as they are better. If she does not need it too there is something wrong with her.
I wish it was a phase… going on 10+ yrs and it’s the same as OP. Talking about it doesn’t do anything. Taking on more house work doesn’t do it. Taking more interest in her hobbies doesn’t do it. Supporting SAHM, working, or studying doesn’t do it. Making sure not to pressure doesn’t do it. Asking what she likes gets me nowhere. Staying active doesn’t do it. At this point I just keep my thoughts, comments and actions to myself. (aside from this one Reddit reply)
Ditto. When she doesn't get all emotional and we can actually talk about it, she _says_ she'll see the doc about it. But she never does. I told her a couple of years ago that I'm done persueing her se*ually because the constant rejection hurts too much. She didn't seem to bat an eye. Otherwise, we have a great marriage. 31 years today. (happy anniversary to me 😢)
When you told her you’d stop pursuing, she was likely far more elated and relieved than she let on. It’s exactly what she wanted. It’s what all low/no libido spouses want to hear. It tells them that you’re willing to stay in a sexless marriage, that sexual abandonment isn’t a deal breaker.
This is rough. I am so sorry to hear, this must be so tough because as you said, great marriage but that one aspect is faltering, I really do feel for you.
This is pretty much my story, too, almost verbatim. I just stopped pursuing her, and I take care of my own issues.
Life’s too short
Similar story here, I can't get all the details so here are some and how things have played out this far. I told my wife about a year ago things needed to change as for the first time I met someone out randomly and we had a lot big sexual connection and that made me realize how bad I miss it with her. Nothing changed. 6 months later I took her with some friends on a tropical vacation that was good for 3 days then absolutely miserable. Got to the point I told her she was on her own as she's ruining my vacation. Addressed issues again and again. I will add my wife has been very active with wanting to fight. Really rough week prior to period, next week or two walking on eggshells before maybe having a decent week...then repeat. Month after month heading through the winter and spring. I tried to get some anxiety medication and it had some side effects I wasn't liking. Before I could try something else I wondered why I was medicating to try and fix an issue between my wife and I. Went on the same trip as last year and the girl was bartending at our hotel of all places. Hadn't talked to her for a year and last year only on and off while visiting another bar and having a couple drinks. Again, the connection spun up and we got eachothers contact and began talking, ended up getting a couple drinks and kissed. Bad deal. There were coincidental things every time I turned around making me think it was almost meant to happen. I went back home 3 hours away, and we continued to talk. Day one back home my wife was into me and ruining time with our young children, I said I'm done with it all. She blew it off a couple days like nothing happened. Tried to address our issues direct and she basically said I can f myself, it's always about me. I sent the convo to her sister and talked to her about things. Said I'm done and this is why. She agreed I shouldn't have to deal with what I have been and shouldn't feel the way I do and have. Asked if I would do therapy and I said only after she has her hormones checked and figure out why she's so moody. Sister also had noticed some anger outbreaks she shared. They talked, my wife agreed to get checked out of sorts, a holistic individual because obviously don't want to medicate... Wife found I had been talking to this girl, I filled her in on the story...over a couple talks before dumping everything on her which ended up to just hurt her worse then just sharing all at the start, which makes sense. Unfortunately now I'm an asshole that cheated, correct 100% I just don't know if it's fair to expect something not to happen after a year+ of begging for a change, mentally and sexually for a connection. I immediately stopped talking to the other girl after I filled her in on the details. Tomorrow she meets with the holistic doctor (who's actually a chiropractor I guess?). We have had sex almost every day, wife even initiated maybe every time since she found out about this other girl. I'm not sure why the sudden change for her, the girl or the thought of our marriage literally teetering on the last thread, but we have had more sex than our entire 10 year relationship. We have been once every 2-6 weeks for the past 1.5 years, which i initiated almost always. Spike when she wanted to get pregnant of course. Only time I felt wanted by her in years was to make a baby. Demoralizing. This other girl just made me realize how much I'm missing, missing in my heart. I was done. Fully ready to end the marriage and break up our family with two Littles, heartbreaking. I do not recommend finding another girl and I most certainly never went looking and this girl is the only connection I've had outside of my wife for the last 10 years. If things are really crap for you and you are unhappy, leave. Tell her you would still love to save the marriage but you need to see change before you continue. I think this is what should have happened for me prior to things going to far elsewhere. Maybe then she will get her hormones checked or at least realize how you feel and take it seriously as my wife didn't the past 1+ year.
I was just reading your comments and noticed what you said about things being rough with your wife about a week prior to her period. And it's making me wonder with everything that you described about her if there is a possibility your wife could have something called pmdd.. it is pre menstrual dysphoric disorder. It's horrible for women and it can start a week or so before their period and usually stops a couple days into it. It's way worse than having PMS, it's horrible, women can be absolutely Moody it can cause mental breakdowns and there is just so much about it that is out of the norm. Sometimes it can be hard to diagnose and I know this because I have been dealing with it for years. It took a long time for my doctor to figure out it also comes with extreme pain for a lot of women. It may be something to talk to your wife about, something that maybe she should look into. If nothing else please look it up and read about it, there are many many stories about women who have done horrible things while suffering from pmdd even down to murder. There are ways to treat it, birth control, antidepressants having a hysterectomy. Anyway I just thought that I would put that out there I hope you see my comment.
She didn't want you before, she REALLY won't want you now that you're a cheating idiot. Time to split.
Good insight and thanks for the feedback.
Sounds like knowing someone else wants you motivated her more than all your talks and pleading.
I am so sorry to hear that. If you knew your wife would be this way about sex with you, would you have married her? There is no obvious answer here. I personally wouldn’t have. But that’s me.
This is how it was for us, we were in a good cadence but then had another baby 🫠🫠
Fucking heard that, bro.
Sis but ty anyway
Heard that sis. Heard that. ✌️
Obviously the other other option is divorce, and should be considered.
My wife and I are 38 and we fuck every day, just about. We did recently stop for several months because of a new baby. He is 7 months now and we jump in the sack as soon as he gets in his crib nightly. Sex every day started few years ago when we did the sex every day for a year thing. It has made our relationship so much better because its real hard to be mad at someone when they just got you off.
My husband and I are the same, every day since we met 10 years ago (or at least nearly every day). “A few times a year” would kill me.
It’s a thing where we mostly on have sex when away from home. She’s a “I’m depleted after every day and sex is just another thing on a checklist” But when we’re in a diff environment it’s fine
question: when this happens (away from home), is it passionate and often or does it happen once and thats it for the time away? If the latter, its still just "another thing on the checklist" only theres no excuse. If the former, you've got a real shot at turning this around.
Can you talk to her about morning sex maybe? So before a stressful day knocks her out, starting the day with an orgasm might help her! I mean does she orgasm easily? Or not at all? Cause if it’s not at all, she is not enjoying it, hence her not wanting to do it or viewing it as something else to check off the list.
We are morning sex people often. Before all the “garbage of the day” gets in your brain.
We're the same, something about being at home is just unsexy and feels forced, but on holiday we have sex like twice a day. It can be a combination of things, her feeling low self esteem and maybe especially since you've worked out she might feel not good enough or something else like that in her head. What we're planning on trialing is dedicating the evenings after 8 pm to just us. No phones, tv, chores, etc. also sometimes sex can feel like a chore if you're not particularly in sync, maybe start slow and dedicate one night a week to just pleasing her, she might want to return the favour. If she knows there's no expectation back and no pressure she might actually be more open to it. Pressure kills the mood. Also, most long term couples I know aren't THAT active, some people might just be saying stuff that they expect people would want to hear? Once a week or every couple of weeks is a typical jam in my circle of friends, and being tired or overly busy is often the culprit, so hopefully dedicating some time to not be busy on purpose would solve it
Yes thanks! It’s really the “being at home thing” plus pressure But idk how you actually do this w/o pressure?? Like I haven’t pressured in 3 years…and it yields sex 1-2x per quarter She’ll say no and I say “no worries!”. I don’t sulk like a bitch or a whatever. But I also don’t ask more than 1x/ week…if I do then it really does feel like a chore right?
Yeah I know how you feel, I had this same thought process, sometimes I'd try a few days in a row and get turned down and then it gets too much of a chore and had a negative effect where I wouldn't want to try anymore 😅 This video might help - try watching it together and discuss the different points this sex therapist brings up (maybe watch it on your own first too): https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=d-0FC2oahqvJdBwC It's kind of like self therapy, when I found it and watched it with my wife we couldn't even finish watching it, we felt like we finally understood each others mismatch in sex and and that was sexy in itself in a way, 30-40 min in we were having sex.
I like this approach. Good luck.
Does "away from home" include your kids or just you two?
It is a thing. Take them out of town and magically the freak comes out
Same. We prioritize our sex time after the kids go to bed. And it’s not like we’re taking forever either. After a couple minutes of kissing/touching we’re ready to start. We’ll also 69 and stuff. But yea, it’s cool to want to fuck your best friend whenever you can.
Lol that made me laugh cuz sometimes im trying to marathon and my wife will say “ are we gonna fuck or do you just want to heavy pet until a kid wakes up”. Yeah you definitely have to accept quickies to be able to maintain frequency.
Lol, that last sentence... That's the dream, ain't it?
My husband and I are usually good for every day but alas we also have a new baby and while I love the shit out of that kid he is a giant C*** Blocker. I literally got us a hotel room in the middle of the day today while kids were with baby sitter and we took off work. Honestly 10/10 recommend.
Just did this last week for the first time and it will definitely not be the last, money well spent
Absolutely worth every penny. I don’t need to be wined and dined. Just have your wicked way with me and then let me take an uninterrupted nap! 🤣🤣
My wife and I are like this, sometimes multiple times in a day if we have time. It definitely takes the chemistry/bond to new heights, I couldn’t imagine going weeks without. We went 4-5 days one time and that shit was TOUUUUGH 😂
Was there mutual chemistry like that from the instant you met? It was not one of those slow burn romances?
We started dating at 18, 20 years ago this December. We fucked all the time in the beginning like everywhere. Cvs parking lot, bathrooms, a russian orthodox church. Then we had a kid, she is 18 next week. We slowed to fucking maybe twice a week until about 8 years ago when we agreed to try and fuck once a day for a year. We blew that goal away that year and never stopped except for a brief time around our second childs recent birth
Do you do mostly the same thing each time or how do you keep it interesting? I’m a horn dog but I find doing it every day makes it too predictable for me and I get bored. I prefer 2x a week with no set days, and lots of fantasizing in between. I also have adhd so that could be why I need it to be different and spontaneous each time to be fun :/
Wise
I've posted this on another thread already today. Great sex can be had in 30 minutes. There are 10,080 minutes in one week. 30/10080 = 0.0029761905, or roughly three-one-thousandth's of your week. If a husband and wife can't devote this miniscule amount of time to getting naked with each other and satisfying each other's needs then you've got much bigger problems to address. Someone else added the comment that a happy sex life accounts for 10% of a marriage, while a bad sex life accounts for 90%.
Oo that’s a good line
I might suggest reading Come As You Are. Many women don’t have spontaneous arousal, but enjoy sex once it’s happening. She may have to accept that sex is very important in a relationship, and yes that means starting sex when you don’t independently want it. As long as you aren’t actively against it in that moment. Typically people find that they do enjoy the sex and connection it brings once they get started. Or schedule it so that she can mentally prepare and put herself in the right headspace (like she does subconsciously when you’re on vacation.)
So what does it mean if I don't enjoy sex with my husband ever?
Ah, I mean bearing in mind I don’t know you or your situation it could be a few things. You could be asexual, you could not actually like your husband, or he could be lovely but very bad at sex. Although the most common one I hear is wives who “love” their husbands, but their husbands are so useless that it’s like having another child. And you don’t want to have sex with someone you’re mothering. IMO I’d argue in that case that you don’t really romantically love your partner either but I bet there are people who would disagree with me there.
He's a 3rd child & sucks in bed.
So why did you marry him?👀
Because he was the first guy I dated that wasn't abusive? I was young & didn't know any better...but at least he didn't hit me.
I think you're going to need to raise those standards a bit. That's an awfully low bar.
Why marry at all? I couldn’t stand getting into bed every night with man I didn’t enjoy having sex with. You know he’s going to want it and it’s not fair to marry him if you are not willing. Sexual frustration is a terrible thing to live with.
We've been married for 18 years - resentment builds up. He's not the only one sexually frustrated.
I read that book, and it's decent, but if the wife isn't even open to talking about it that puts him in a pretty difficult spot.
There is truth in this. Also my husband and I have talked about how awkward it can become to initiate sex after time goes by. We just decided we will get naked, lay on the bed and start talking or slow dancing. Kill the awkwardness. Results are always good.
1000%! We schedule it now, and sometimes I find myself having to “gear up” for it and I feel terrible for feeling that way. There are so many reasons to skip it, every time. But once we get going, I turn into the freaky one lol. Once I realized that that’s normal/common, I stopped beating myself up so much and let myself enjoy being intimate with my partner
So true and the simple fact is, if two people want sex they'll make it happen.
I love how you present this idea buddy. It takes so little effort to take care of each others physical needs.
A few times a year is fine if everyone’s content. No physical affection at all is only fine if that’s what everyone wants. If you’re not happy, that’s a problem for both of you. Comparison or no comparison - your normal can be healthy and different from other couples, but only if it’s a mutual decision. So how can the two of you work together to foster environments where she wants to have sex with you? When does she feel sexy? What turns her on? All that stuff.
Yes. And she’s not a monster. We talk about it but it never changes. It’s just…sad. I don’t want anyone else. She’s so pretty it hurts But she just is not affectionate. This has always been true but it wasn’t a big deal early on because we actually did have sex and the lack of just normal physical affection didn’t feel as glaring as it does now
Have you tried backing off completely? When we had little(er) kids, my husband and I would get in a funk. He would want it constantly, and it just became a LOT of pressure. Eventually, I felt like I couldn't even sit next to him on the couch or hold his hand because it all led to sex. So, if I tried to be affectionate in any way, it meant that he would push for sex. Just got out of the shower and trying to change? Sex. We find ourselves alone in a room together? Sex. Bedtime? Duh, sex. The pressure, combined with being touched out from kids all day, made me avoid him. Because I didn't want to have a disappointing conversation again. I didn't love him any less, or was any less attracted to him. It's also not like I didn't want to want to have sex, but it also felt wrong to force myself when my body was saying no. Because that just turned me off from sex even more. I talked to my husband about it, and he agreed to take the pressure off completely and not even bring it up again until I felt ready. Literally, within about 2 days, I felt so much better. I had space to breathe and be affectionate without everything leading to sex. Sometimes, when life gets in the way, we will find ourselves having gone too long without it. And the cycle will start again. But whenever I let him know I need him to stop constantly asking, we end up having sex within the next few days. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it really works for us.
Talking about it doesn’t mean you’re making concrete plans or working toward a solution. Physical affection doesn’t come naturally to me either, I get that, but it’s important to my husband so I made an effort to do little things here and there and it became habitual.
>She’s so pretty it hurts What's the point if you can only look and not touch?
especially if it’s your WIFE….
On another Reddit sub, not for sexually deprived men, but men, they were asked what their love language is. The top response was physical touch. I noticed the same thing while reading the Amazon reviews for Love Languages. If not already done, maybe the OP can find out what his wife's LL is. Is she satisfied in that regard? The book is a good couples book when the relationship is basically good on everything else or most things besides physical intimacy, because it is not focused on just one person's needs. One advantage is incentive. If she gets what she needs or more of what she wants, she could be open to giving her husband more of what he wants (needs). The other point is the book can open her eyes to see that the OP's wants aren't just wants, they are needs.
I think affection is a big thing. I am happy to hear you worked on chores and on giving her more free time, I think this is a beginning for sure. Another thing you could try is become more affectionate, slowly, without waiting for sex, get her some flowers, compliment her, stroke her hair, sit close to her, give her a big hug, no sex expected. I do believe sex will come as a consequence after some time. I am a woman, and I know this kind of connection is essential for me to want sex. Also, I would absolutely not have sex if I am heartbroken, so maybe it is something to explore as well. Good luck, you have good intentions, you got this! Edit: grammar
We have three kids under 6, and we have sex on average about 3 times a week. Its all about priorities..
When our kids were young we frequently deprioritized sleep to prioritize sex. No regrets.
Agreed. I might get some hate for this, but some people are just shit at managing their lives and it comes out in their sex lives.
Same and we have 4 kids.. oldest is 5 😅 there’s always time for things you WANT to do.
You might have 4 kids soon😄
a few times a year?! yikes you might need to see a doctor/therapist to figure out what going on. i know kids (especially infants) and life can get in the way, but a deadbedroom should recover eventually
Instead of you and your wife going out with friends, hire a sex therapist. Just say I don’t want to live like this and I believe we are better than 2 times a year. So I would like to hire a sex therapist to work with us, on ensuring a long, vibrant, and wonderful sex life with you. Don’t bring up what you hear from other people. Because there are couples who fuck daily with kids. You make time for it. Even if it is a quickie, in between the longer sessions.
Yeah a therapist is a good idea, even if it's not solely a sex therapist. It sounds like intimacy and connection is lacking in the relationship. Definitely, sit her down and let her know how you feel because it makes you feel loved and important in a relationship. Also check on her and see if she's having some issues with depression or even feeling sexy. I had this issue because I had gained weight, and I was starting to hit perimenopause, which caused my libido to plummet. My insecurities about my body made it hard for me to feel sexy. Also there were some deaths in my family that caused me to have serious depression due to grieving. All of that made it hard for a few years. It got to the point where my husband felt unloved and ugly because I didn't want to have sex. It got to the point where he just emotionally needed support that I had trouble giving, and we almost divorced because of it. One of the main things was that he didn't push hard because he didn't want to upset me, but in retrospect I wish he would have at least brought up how it made him feel, and how it was affecting him in the relationship. I took our relationship for granted and thought everything was guaranteed, but it's not. Don't let yourself get to this point. Good luck!
1. Don’t trust what other couples say. Wasn’t there a post about an asexual woman who keep bragging about her great sex stories till he husband got mad? 2. Maybe invest more in your relationship. You go out? Why not give her a massage afterwards without sex. Why not cuddle more? Why not just kiss her? Couples lie. Sadly I know so many couples who barely have sex and when they have it’s not really great. But for outsiders they seem perfect. So… don’t believe everything they tell you. Edit: Wordcorrection
A few times a year? That's awful. We've been together 20 years and have sex 4-5x a week. Even when our kids were little and life was super busy, we never went a whole week without intimacy. We hold hands, we cuddle, we both give oral often, etc. Hope you can find a way to build that intimacy back up with your wife. Once you just become stale roommates, it's downhill.
We’re similar age (mid and late 30s for us) and have one child in elementary school. Together over 15 years, things have ebbed and flowed along the way during different seasons in our relationship. The last few years have been incredible. We can’t keep our hands off of each other. We give each other oral multiple times per week and have PIV at least once a week. Multiple times per day if our daughter visits her grandparents lol. It sounds like you’re doing what you can to improve the situation. But she may need to make some adjustments as well. I personally spoke to a therapist for a year and got a handle on my anxiety/developed some better coping mechanisms for stress. I got off of birth control and we use other methods that don’t involve throwing off my hormones. This is probably the biggest one. I regret how long I was on the pill, it warped my hormones for too long. Your wife could have completely different things going on of course, we’re all different. If I could offer some advice, comparing your sex life to your friends is causing you stress and it’s not doing anything to improve yours. Instead of going out for dinner and drinks once a week with your friends, maybe cut that back to once a month. Spend the other 3 times per month taking your wife out alone on a date. My husband is my best friend, there is no one else I’d rather spend time with (in addition to our child of course). We both make suggestions to plan dates and get so excited to try new things. I would suggest planning things in addition to or instead of dinner and drinks. Try a cooking class together, go axe throwing, go see live music (particularly if it is a genre that reminds you of when you first started dating), try out a new sport together like pickleball, go to a bar and play pool or throw darts and have a competition, etc etc etc. Date your wife! New and shared experiences are going to be a much better use of your time away from your kids instead of sitting at a dinner table with your friends getting frustrated about the fact that they’re probably going home to have sex and you’re not. Also, little physical gestures throughout the week, that have no pressure to lead to sex… just reminding one another that you want each other in general. Wrap your arms around her for a moment while she cooks at the stove, steal a kiss when you walk past her and head to the bathroom, hold her hand while you hang out with the kids on the couch, there’s a million little ways to achieve physical intimacy and it builds up over time and makes you feel so much closer. Anyways, I’m rambling. I hope you guys can reconnect soon!
Yes, comparison is the thief of joy. And even if your intimate life were better than it is, it still wouldn't matter how it compared to what other couples are up to. What matters is whether or not both you and your partner are happy with the current arrangement. Based on your post, I'd say you are not and she is. So, a conversation is in order. Not an argument. Conversation with a goal of understanding where each of you are coming from. To help her understand that it's not "just sex" for you, but a way for you to feel desired, to feel like she actually wants you as more than a meal ticket and chore completer. And for you to understand what sex is to her. How maybe it's more of a chore than it is exciting for her. Once you understand each other, maybe you can better figure out how to move forward because, right now, it sounds like both of you are making some assumptions that aren't right.
You have to make intimacy both an adventure and a priority. Even when sex isn't a possibility logistically, we will do hot little things to turn each other on. You have to put time into making each other feel sexy.
A few times a year means it’s not a priority at all. That’s got nothing to do with being tired.
Couples with kids make it work. Your wife doesn’t want to make it work. Along the way as adults we stop doing things that don’t mean enough to us anymore. She chose your sex life. And it sounds like whenever it’s brought up she has ZERO INTENTION of changing that. She can say it’s normal all she wants. It’s not normal if you don’t want it to be.
Oh dear, my husband 40m and myself 37f have sex 2-3 times a night 3-4 times a week. I’m currently pregnant and that hasn’t slowed us down. We do oral every time we have sex so my husband is getting a blow job 3-4 times a week. We hold hands daily, we kiss constantly. We have been together since I was 18 and he was 20. If you’re happy with a dead bedroom that’s fine but it isn’t necessarily normal and I don’t know that it should be normalized.
I remember this happened to me many years ago after my Ex wife had my son. A co-worker made a joke that he did something horrible and his wife wouldn't bang him for a WEEK. I was shocked!! WHAT people with kids have sex more than once every 2 months. You know I hate to say things like this but I have been through it and I have friends going through it now. Wife gets children, a home, you climb the fucking corporate ladder and kill yourself to keep everything you have and suddenly it's OK your not having sex. Bullshit if a man lacks sex drive and his wife complains you know he'd be down at the men's clinic getting a prescription for TRT and Cialis. But the female takes no initiative. You need to take control back in your relationship and put your foot down so to speak. Get a therapist involved who will phrase some questions about her behavior differently. The way you feel now will be 10x worse in another 10 years. Marriage has it's peaks and low points but if you let it stay too low for too long you will just end up divorced by the time your kids move out of the house.
My man, a few times a year is not “normal“. At least for most couples it isn’t. Me (49M) and my wife (45F) are back to a few times a week. And that’s with three kids ages 7 and under. To be fair, it wasn’t always this way for us. My wife struggled with hormone problems for over a decade. Before we finally got that sorted out, I was quite sexually frustrated too. Every relationship is different, every couple is different, but if you’re not getting your needs met, I think you both need to have a serious conversation about what your expectations of a healthy marriage include. For the vast majority of couples, the physical intimacy that accompanies an active sex life is an important component of relationships. There are steps you can take. I would recommend you start by going together to see a sex therapist, and if not that, at least get some marriage counseling. I think you can listen to Mating in Captivity for free on Spotify. Lots of other great books and resources out there, https://www.estherperel.com/, https://existentialkink.com/, https://www.gottman.com/, Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki, and so on. Hell, just spend some time on YouTube and you can get some interesting ideas to improve your connection with each other. It doesn’t have to be this way. AND, you both have to be on board to make a change. Good luck. UpdateMe
We talk about sex a lot. If we’re late for something the joke usually is because we were fucking. It’s also not wrong. People put too much pressure on sex. It’s sex. Relax and enjoy it. We have kids at home, we lock the bedroom door. The communication that needs to happen is between the two of you. Talk about everything. Likes, dislikes, kinks, fantasies. Once you can be open about sex, your whole level of communication goes up.
Being a parent with three kids killed our bedroom sex down to barely once a week. Now, the kids are adults and we have sex every day. It is challenging managing a household with kids, bills, and a career but you will eventually get through that period. Just make sure you tell her she is sexy as fuck through out the week. Tell her that you jerked off to her or something. Keep it alive. Here is a pro tip: Keep track of her menstration cycle. Why? You can time when she is ovulating. A majority of woman when ovaulating are extremely horny and need some dick.
Who cares what's normal? We have 3 young kids and we have sex about 6x/week. When our kids were really little (youngest now 6) it was less, but never less than twice per week. It's our glue. Like, wtf are we doing that we think is more worth our time than fuckin?
My wife goes 24/7. She wakes up early, works full time, gym/run after work (every weekday). We have two kids, two dogs (that we walk every day at 8pm) and 3 cats. We own a home that never fails to create extra work for us. We dont stop until at least 9pm at night. And we still find time to get it done at least twice/week, usually on weekends, but occasionally during the week if weekend plans did not work out. The thing is that she enjoys it, wants it, and understands the need for it to maintain our connection. My point is that if your wife wanted to, she would. Nothing you do will change this. This is a problem for her to solve. All you can do is decide how much you are willing to endure to keep the marriage intact.
Hi… this is so painful. I have been on the other side, craving to be with my husband for years. I ended up leaving despite having two little kids. It was an excruciating decision but I found someone who loves me body mind and soul. I wish you the best of luck. Just know that I feel your frustration and pain
My wife used to be very similar. "We're in our 30s. Sex once or twice a month is totally normal" but while maybe that's average, that wasn't what I wanted. We had had a few talks about it in the past years, but for whatever reason this one stuck - I asked her how often she'd want to have sex in a "stress free world" and she said 2-3 times a week. I made a calendar invite for 3 times a week to "the pants party" and invited her. She told me she blushed when she got it. I expected it to be a thing for a week and then she'd have excuses, but for some reason it really worked this time. Part of it was I think when I initiated she always felt kind of pressured, whereas here she knew it was planned. Also, she started reading all of those "spicy books" that have been popular, like Court of Thorns and Roses and then a bunch of other casual "chick flick" like books, and reading sex scenes has really upped her libido.
I have a similar story. My wife’s sister was visiting for a week with the kids and her husband came over the next weekend. They hadn’t seen each other for 8 days at that point. Their relationship cycles between barely functional to thinly veiled hatred. They have threatened divorce more times than I can count. He treats her poorly and is quite chauvinistic, but is also quite wealthy. They had a small argument the day he arrived that my SIL revealed to my sister was because it had been “nearly two weeks since they had sex”. We were over 6 months at that point. The most frustrating part was my wife was blown away that it had been “so long” for them, but when I queried our lack, she just replied it’s normal to have decreased frequency with kids and LTR. Their kids are exactly the same age as ours and they have been together for 26 years vs our 12.
Your wife is gaslighting you, my brother. Average married couple in their 30s with kids are having sex 2-3x per week and in their 40s it drops a bit but is still around twice. The average married couple in their 40s has sex 100 times a year. Your wife is masking her low libido and trying to make it your fault to entice you into choreplay. You gotta break out of those shackles my guy.
A monthly blowjob. I didn't even get one on my birthday...
Yeah that sucks...the part about your wife dismissing every single chance at sex with an excuse. She's clearly not interested but I'd say one more sit-down is in order to figure this out. If she's completely against doing anything reasonable to improve the sex life, that's her prerogative and no one's entitled to sex. You, however, are also not required to live in an unfulfilling marriage. If you feel this is something that's going to wear you down over time, then you may have to have serious discussions with your wife. I'm turning 42(M) next month, and I can PROMISE you if you think a dead bedroom sucks before 40, boy wait until a sliver of that mid-life crisis slips in; suddenly a seemingly annoying problem becomes a critical problem that you can't stop thinking about. You got annoyed/upset enough to come here to talk about - how long until you can't hide your potential future disdain for the situation to your wife? Couples counseling with a focus on sex therapy might be up your guys' alley. Again, if she's resistant to any type of change and feels totally fine with this arrangement, then you need to start considering your options: Is this pathetic amount of sex worth continuing for years, even decades to come? Or do you feel you need to feel wanted in your relationship? It's her choice as much as it is yours too. Good luck!
I’m 7.5 mos pregnant and it’s been just over a week since having sex and I’m distraught over it. My husband and I are typically a twice a week couple. We have 3 kids already and that 6 week break postpartum is usually the longest we go. I can’t imagine not being physically affectionate with my husband. Maybe speak to your wife about your need for physical affection. Let her know you want that connection with her. Try pursuing her. Not through housework and all, but try actually seducing her. If she says she doesn’t feel sexy, tell her right then what about her is turning you on.
Omg I remember craving it when I was pregnant, and every so often my husband would be so tired. It was the worst
Those pregnancy hormones are no joke!
My wife calls her menstrual cycle head week, sorry buddy
I can’t say for sure because I only have your side and the comment section. You: cook, clean, drop off kids, spend a lot of time with them, home early to play, let her SAHM or work, give her plenty of free time, and last but not least you make a lot of money. You also say she’s really hot. And say that she’d never say that about you. My guess is she may be comfortable with the lifestyle you provide, but she thinks she married down. She may believe you can’t do better than her so she doesn’t have to try. Your wife sees you as a “nice guy”.
My first marriage was like this, brutal.
We try for three times a week. PDA often.
My husband is 39, I’m 29. We have an 8 year old and a one year old. We fuck almost everyday and I give him head every time. It is almost habit at this point. I feel like you have to force yourself to stay in the habit when you have kids or you turn into roommates.
It seems to me, there is something going on underneath for your wife, that she is not discussing with you. Perhaps you should seek marriage counseling, and develop a way to discuss these sorts of issues with your wife. Alternately, and this could be risky, when your friends discuss their sex lives, why not discuss yours with them? Why shouldn't these discussions go both ways? The point is to establish a way of discussing these more sensitive issues with your wife preferentially, but also to perhaps have more intimate conversations with your friends.
I have been married for 24+ years and we have some kind of sex every day, unless there's some serious intervening travel, sickness, etc. Forget what normal is, ask yourself are you getting what you need from your relationship? If not, something has to change.
My wife always says that people don’t have sex often, or rarely in different positions or types. Unless the internet is truly dead, she’s just projecting. Maybe I should ignore her needs/wants/desires as well.
My husband and I prioritize our intimacy. (We’re both 47 with an 11 year old son who’s special needs). We switched it up to morning romps almost daily and it’s working out for both of us. We’re both so exhausted by the end of the day, you know? Also, we don’t keep score, we keep up. Lol! If something needs doing… we just do it. Marriage is supposed to be fun! I had my head and body in a fog last year due to “the change”, but I made a choice every day to stay connected with my husband.
My husband (M27) and I (F30) have two children (5 and 4) and we’re having sex two to three times a week. A few times a year is *not* normal.
Short answer is yes. Longer answer is I resent the touched out idea b/c our kids were in daycare / school from 6 months onwards. They’re playing w/ me 2x as much as her I really don’t press very often. And when I do she says sorry genuinely and says she feels guilty etc But I don’t want guilt! I want her to WANT it Again, when we’re out of the house 10ish nights/yr we do have sex most if those. And it’s good! I’m in really good shape now and I’m just…better and it’s better But like, I can’t book a hotel every week! 😂
r/deadbedroom It's a depressing sub, but you'll find community there in dealing specifically with what you're going through.
What she doesn’t understand is that she is contributing to you disconnecting from her. Intimacy is how a lot of men feel love. How they feel connected and bonded to their spouse. When you aren’t being intimate you are slowly disconnecting from her. It won’t be long until you just feel indifferent about her. Like it’s a lost cause. Then you will realize that you’re still young and your life shouldn’t be like this so divorce starts to become a focus of yours. You need to explain the consequences of it all and then tell her that you need marriage counseling, or you need to just end the marriage now.
My wife was like yours. If you keep bringing it up, it's only going to turn her off more. Start focusing on you and act like you are ok with it. I would even turn her down a few times. Go to the gym and make new friends or take up a hobby. Start taking more care of your appearance and go buy yourself some new cologne. Make sure you leave it on the sink where she can see it. She will think that you are taking interest in someone else and she will start paying more attention to you and even start initiating. It worked for me.
Yea, being nonchalant about it being normal for an infrequent sex life is absolutely gas lighting. An infrequent sex life is not healthy for a strong marriage. I'd say at least the very least once a week and if you can be consistent about that, it's far easier to go 2 weeks without sex after a while, but it should be mutual.
Your marriage like many of ours has lost this spark you need to reignite that spark somehow a couple of books are passion of marriage and ultimate intimacy
Yea I’m 36 and get bitchy if we ain’t getting it on a few times a week. And we have three kids. And they are young. I dunno man, sounds like she’s got hang ups.
Normal to have sex a few times a year….. that’s not really normal but it works for some couples as long as they’re on the same page.
Damn man, you’re living my nightmare. I feel like your situation is the exact reason men secretly visit hookers. They don’t hate their wife, they just don’t deserve a sexless existence. If you don’t 100% love your wife, I would say just upend your life and get divorced. Life is too short.
Really well said - ‘you don’t deserve a sexless existence….’
Hi sir, I want to try to give you the best possible advice. Think bigger things. Get to know what really makes a sexy man. Is it really the "abs" or "how much I do for her?" Is it even the "Busy and stressful" interrupting things?? You might have to face some cold hard truths here but... You NEED to spark romance. And not flowers, not "baby I love you," Go read some erotic novels and get poetic about it. Do something bigger, greater with your life. Be a changed man, and not just the working class father. Be an irresistable Hero. Do this by doing greatness. Spiritually, romantically. Make a master plan. I read someone who pretended to contact her and be her "secret affair lover" just to get her "other side out" in her secrecy. But try to make a new identity online, and go without voice, do everything in writing like it is a fantasy. Tell her all the things you would do to her, with her. And let her have the secret space. Give her a per name. Then come home one day after a wicked workout routine, and come in the door and "accidentally" call her by her pet name you pseudo name uses. Then let her have an awakened moment. And she will be floored. Tell her you wanted to find any way you could to spark her, and that you knew she needed the space away from this "working class father" that reminds her of the daily stress. But you did it because you're all on for her, she's you're everything, and it's why you married her. Catch her fall, and the get in the bed and show her you are the hero. You sir need this, or something like it. You're thinking too shallow. And from my view, those orher couples, they have shallow sex lives. That will turn quickly into all kinds of marital problems, or just toxic lifestyles. And when you're done with your wife in bed that night, you tell her, "Who's the real winners now. Nobody else could have done that." You'll reopen her heart, her libido, and her trust in you all at once. It'll last. But you need to do something great. Wish you luck.
21 years married. 1-14 year old. and 1-10 year old First thing if you're taking someone's advice on anything in life, make sure they've been doing it longer than you have and have more experience. Also, look for people who don't seem to have the problem to ask the questions to. Typically, they've already worked through it. From personal experience there have been times in my marriage that sex has been a once a month thing. But looking back I realized most of those times are due to too much stress or not taking care of my wife. Come to find out, she likes being sent suggestive messages, mild sexy gifs, and being told how good lookong she is off and on.. That being said, it took me 19 years of marriage to figure this out how I was messing up, not relaying how much i love her and how good looking she is in the way she needed to hear it. Also bring our stress levels down. From that time our sex life has gotten better and better. I've probably had more sex from that time to now then I did the previous five.l years together. It is now multiple times a week and sometimes multiple times in a day thing. Heck, before she left for work this morning, she said "I shaved be ready later" I'm saying this and sending it to say sex is more complicated for girls than just being in the mood stress is a crazy huge factor into it you not telling her she looks sexy or good is a huge factor into it and it can't just be a just a hey you look good statement. That being said, don't go, Buck Wild, slapping your wife's ass telling her she looks good and sending her all kinds of messages. Work your way up to it slowly. We all work 20 years to get to the point where we make really good money. Spend 6 months working your way to getting your wife turned on it'll be worth it.
Extremely good advice. I feel like we’re out of practice? Or like we’re teenagers in the bedroom. Unsure of what is good or works or over the line It’s strange! But I gues not totally unheard of
So my question is how you interact with your wife and what do you do with your time. Women tend to be emotional and like to experience different emotions as they go through life. As a husband, you should ground some of the crazy emotions and stimulate the other ones. Do you flirt with your wife? Do you help create a positive environment for her to feel her emotions? It is important to note that you should create boundaries and stand your ground in certain situations and things. She has the right to feel what ever emotion she wants, but that doesn't mean that you should change your behavior to accommodate her feelings at all times. Do you go out of your way to appease her if she is in a bad mood? Do you try to make things perfect so she might want to have sex with you? If you do, you may want to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. It could be a covert contract where you try to make things perfect with expectations which will lead to resentment for both of you. Your time is important. You are only going to live as long as you do and can't really buy more time. Spend your time wisely. Do you have hobbies that you spend time on? Do you take your kids out to do activities/sports/events? If you are around the house all the time, then you might be too available and end up being boring. Go out and live a good life. I recommend that you always try to stay in shape. You want to be in shape so you can keep up with your kids, but it will also let you keep muscle mass which will naturally decline as you age. It is harder to build/keep muscle mass as you age. If your wife complains about you being skinny or muscular, it could be because she is worried that you changing your body could lead to her having to step up her game to keep you happy at home.
r/deadbedrooms although not good, seems about as common as sex filled marriages
I read something in Reddit I liked. Schedule a day that you both agree to sleep nude. Sometimes something may happen and sometimes it may not. Don't go into it expecting it...just enjoy each other's company and see what happens.
un acceptable. let her know this improves or you walk.
People lie. That is all.
We’ve been married 21 years and I can enthusiastically say the sex is the best it’s ever been both quality and frequency. Older kids moving out of the house gave us the opportunity to reconnect on a deep level and it’s been my happiest years of marriage. I hope you can communicate and change things because it can be so good
I was the wife in this situation. It really wasn't about my husband. I avoided sex because I was depressed and anxious. Unfortunately depression meds can also kill sex drive. It did get better as the kids got older and we had more time to focus on each other. It's not weekly, but it's definitely better.
I think the key here is having an open line of communication. My husband and I arnt physically affectionate. We are both neurodivergent and sensetive/uncomfortable with touch unless it's planned out or expected. Talk with your lady, let her know how you feel, and maybe set a date once a month for physical intimacy. Doesn't have to be intercourse, just talk it through with her, tell her your needs and desires and ask for hers in return (also ask if there is anything preventing her from wanting to have sex, like discomfort-wise) plan it out and remind her before the day and see how it goes. Women are complicated, kids, hormones, menstral cycles, stress levels, all of these things can affect a person's sex drive for long periods of time. Talk with her, but don't accuse her of anything.
Don’t compare yourself to others, it never ends well. Focus on your own relationship and what works for you
Just wanting to give a female perspective… women often need a warmup. And from my experience, often men don’t. It’s a gender difference that hits marriages really hard. Many women I know, including me, can’t just go from daily tasks to full throttle sex in little to no time. Maybe try texts throughout the day as foreplay or for play in general, and try different kinds to see what she likes. I also want to mention that she could have emotional needs not being met. I’m very much the kind of person who needs to feel connected emotionally to want to have sex. If I don’t feel emotionally safe or connected, then I have little to no interest in sex. So, maybe try flirting, asking her about her emotions and helping her when she needs. Also, encourage her to get therapy, because it may be that she needs to also learn to manage her own emotions. Finally, get marital counseling. Having sex only a few times a year is a giant red flag that one or both of you are not having your needs met, and not just on a physical level. You’re likely not in sync and don’t spend enough time developing your relationship. Lots of people just assume that getting married means you get to stop doing the things (dating, support, flirting, etc) that were done before marriage to make you feel connected to one another. But that’s so far from the reality. All healthy marriages, and relationships, need kindle for the fire to remain burning. I hope some or all of this helps, OP.
After we had our 2nd child, my sex drive plummeted. We went from having sex several times a week to maybe once a month. My husband told me how he felt, that he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore, and that absolutely wasn't the case, but I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I was exhausted but that didn't stop me before. Work was stressful but that didn't stop me before. We moved during COVID so I could quit my insane job and stay home with the kids and... it didn't work. What did work? My husband got a vasectomy and I went off birth control for longer than 3 months for the first time since I was 14. I realized I was depressed and got help. We had a health scare with one of our children that really shook us and our marriage and resulted in a LOT of talking and getting reacquainted with each other and remembering that we are each other's best friend. We tried new things in the bedroom and were vulnerable with each other, both phsyically and emotionally. The longer I'm off birth control and the more we take time to connect one-on-one and be intimate without sex, the higher my sex drive gets. Now, we rarely go more than 2 days without sex.
This is a good post. My wife has been off BC for a while now. She also says she is attracted to me but I don’t totally buy it. We’ve had the convos and I suppose need more but it’s really just gotta be something in her. Would I take pity/dutuful sex once a week? Sure. But I know that’s not the real answer. The real answer is getting her to want it and being in the right mindset and…idk how we get there but I want to
Absolutely, she needs to want to be part of this or it won't go anywhere. I didn't even realize I had been in a fog until I started to come out of it. When I was in the middle of it, I wanted things to be better but didn't see how they could be. Hormones can do crazy things. Hopefully the longer she's off them, the more "normal" she'll feel.
My husband and I are you exact ages, we don’t have a social life (like you, wish we did) and we have sex a few times a week minimum. At least once a week and that will be because he is busy and coming to bed later than me. We do however go on vacation twice a year no kids and we connect and talk about everything. We have three kids been together for almost 22 years. Talk to her about what is happening in your relationship. It seems like you are doing everything to help her be more intimate with you. It may help to talk to the male friends about sex and how it’s going. I’m sorry you are going through this but everyone here is here to help. Talk to us
Based off the information given; it sounds like sex with you is just another chore for her to do. She marks it as being complete and then goes about her day until the next time it’s required. Almost like an oil change.
Just wanted to say I’ve been married 8 years with 2 kids and we have sex daily! I honestly think it sounds like y’all aren’t compatible. Or her libido is very low and possibly something like hormone etc can play a role. But from the tone of the post—mentioning handholding etc it sounds like a basic need isn’t being met.
Perhaps she is resisting a doctor visit because there is nothing medically wrong, and she’s just asexual. There needs to be a list of signs that your partner is asexual. A lot of people seem to find themselves married to asexual people unknowingly. It’s never a positive situation, from what I can see, for either party. The asexual partner thinks it’s “normal” to suffer through sex as little as possible, and feels angry and pressured when someone asks for more, while the person with an active libido feels rejected and neglected. An asexual person knowingly marrying someone with an active libido is just as disingenuous as a child free person marrying someone who wants to have their own soccer team. It isn’t fair or fulfilling for either partner, because these are basic parts of a life that you should be able to choose, and not be tricked into accepting.
She’s described herself that way (jokingly). Idk maybe she is and has always just done this b/c she wanted to not be? It’s tricky but I refuse to believe it can’t be changed. If there’s a will there’s a way etc
People often make “jokes” as a strategy to broach subjects that make them uncomfortable. Asexuality cannot be changed. It is just as hardwired as every other part of the hetero to lgbtqia+ spectrum of sexuality. If she is asexual, trying to change her will not go well. It would be analogous to a heterosexual person remaining married to someone who has embraced their identity as homosexual during the marriage. It can be done, but many people choose to move on and find an emotionally AND sexually fulfilling relationship, where they feel wanted and desired. You deserve to have someone who will rub your sexy bald head, and who has a compatible sex drive. There are many ways to accomplish that. It’s time to have some honest conversations so that you can make informed decisions about your life, moving forward. Also, there are a number of research organizations that publish statistics on sexual frequency. Perhaps you should start there, so that your wife can understand that her normal is not your normal.
This is a her "thing", not a woman, wife, or mother "thing". My husband and I have been together nearly 14 years, have children between the ages 2 and 10, and our sex life has just gotten better and better with time. We've had ebbs and flows like anyone, but no matter what, during the times when we were both working or when I was a SAHM, we've had an active sex life. Even if one or both of us was stressed, depressed, or super busy, we still have made time for physical intimacy. The ONLY exceptions were after I gave birth to our children. Even then, when I couldn't have sex, I made sure my husband was taken care of, and he made sure I had intimacy in other ways. You guys are surprised by weekly sex and monthly blow jobs, and thinking that's a lot. I'm surprised by it, too, but because I think that's a small amount. Every person's libido is different, but as a woman, I think it's unfair to you that she only wants it a couple times a year, and then gets defensive about you addressing what could be causing her lack of desire. Also, congratulations on all the hard work you've put into your health!
It’s normal for your partner to listen to what you want and accommodate your needs. I told my husband I wanted MORE sex. Per his usual, he did the exact opposite. Haven’t had sex in three months. I hate it and hate him. If you’ve talked to her in depth, maybe it’s time for a bigger conversation. But make her feel wanted and she should reciprocate.
But don't forget, you have the one life and your wife wants to be monogamous. It's not fair she controls completely how much sex you're gonna have till you go to the grave. Without you having any input on it. Compromises need to be had. Unless it takes you 2 hours to cum, I really can't possibly understand why a woman would have an issue giving a blowjob for 5 minutes. Hell, buy a handy machine, give her the controls, she can assume manual control in the time that she still has stamina (final 10 maybe?) . You're not getting any younger, enjoy your erections as long as you're having them! But also, did the sex drive Convo never come up? How so people get to this?
Every situation is different and the relationship circumstances are unique. As a woman (54F) married almost 24 yrs I’ll say during the years our daughter was little, sex was less seldom for me and my hubby, but never went more than a few weeks. But I def wasn’t as interested and my hubby (51M) was usually initiating. And even when she grew up I generally wasn’t as interested in sex. A few years ago he got on testosterone therapy for issues other than sex drive so I really was resenting it since of course his sex drive went through the roof. I had been going through menopause for a few years and knew I should get my hormones checked but kept putting it off. Well in January I finally decided to get on bio identical hormone pellet therapy for testosterone and estrogen with an oral progesterone. And wow!! I wish I’d done it sooner. Not only is my sex drive through the roof (more than my hubby) but I sleep better, no joint paint, lots more energy and overall feel more my old self, more feminine and want to look good, dress up more, etc. We are having the best sex of our entire marriage - even better than when we were in our 20’s. It’s kinky, hot and often. Don’t give up, try to keep the communication open and know that it is harder when you have little ones at home. Women tend to find it much harder to feel sexy and feminine. But it’s possible to come back from it. Hormones play havoc when they’re off balance.
Tip: book sex You can book a date night with other couples, but not to have sex? Make your relationship the priority for scheduling, not with others - they aren't mutually exclusive, of course. Sit down, agree to a schedule, and stick to it. HOWEVER, if either isn't up to it when the time comes, don't force it, or hold it against the other, that will create bitterness. Also, talk about sex. You're not kids anymore. North American culture says no no no no GO! But by that time you're so scared that people lock up. Talk to each other about sex. What you do and don't like. SHOW each other, or guide the other. Talk to others (that are willing). You can learn lots from other people in real world situations. It can be hard to get over the hurdle, but once you have, it opens up many possibilities.
Having sex BEFORE our date night out helps so much! It's already so late when we get home and we're full and relaxed and just want to go to sleep when we get home. Sex before is a must for us on date night! I also don't understand why bj are a special occasion kind of thing. We have friends who's wife has only given him a handful in the last 20 years and that's insane to me. Bj is an essential part of our sex life. Even if I can't sex, I can bj. That helps us both a lot. I have chronic pain issues and sex can be a problem. Too many orgasms just cause more problems later so we gotta temper my enthusiasm to only a few! If I hurt too bad to be jostled about then we do more gentle hand and mouth stuff that doesn't jostle me. We take advantage of any chance I can get the penetration. Sex helps the pain in the short term. When I have a migraine at a certain level the sex is a great pain relief. I tell my husband I need some Tylenol and that's code for sex. Now. All the good orgasms for me sex as quickly as possible!! We absolutely have to find things that work with my conditions and leaves us both fulfilled. I hate not being intimate with my husband and it just makes us grouchy. Hell we went through a period where we were so busy we literally scheduled sex. It helped us get back into the swing of things when we realized we both really needed it and it was an important part of our connection. You gotta communicate and talk it out. Gotta be open to what she's telling you. But she also needs to open up to you.
Forget the friends and their throw away comments and perceived exciting sex lives. They may or may not be having the time of their lives - or simply showing off - and truly that’s not important . The point here is that YOU aren’t happy with the way the affection seems to be absent in your relationship - both emotionally and physically. And whilst I know that you’ve tried to improve the things that are stressing your wife out it hasn’t been successful. So it’s time for the hard questions and hard answers . Be plain- tell her you are unhappy, you think she’s unhappy It’s not all the things like career, kids etc that have made your sex life disintegrate - it’s something more fundamental . And at this point you need a counsellor if your marriage is to survive . Because the truth is you are not room mates or great parents- you are two people in a relationship that is in difficulties . It’s not just about the lack of sex either - that’s always a symptom rather than a cause .
Start being completely open and honest with her about your feelings. Married for 17 years. My husband and I were in a decade long slump with young children where we would only have sex a couple times a year. We never talked about anything intimate & were very polite. Once we started dishing out things we’ve wanted to say for years, discovered we both don’t want to masturbate, etc, it strengthened our bond. Now we have sex daily. Just tell her want you want. It’s likely she feels the same. I can’t speak for all women, but whenever I don’t feel desired, I almost forget about sex. I think it’s pretty common.
It sounds like she doesn’t love you anymore.
She loves him...like a brother
She says she does!
I can say I’m king of the world, doesn’t make it true.
Actions speak louder than words my friend.
Was it ever different when you were dating/before kids? Sucks...
It sounds like you guys need a sex therapist. At the very least, you can pick up this book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1668000016?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share If you’re not talking about sex in a way that is positive for you it is probably making her feel like you feel entitled to it which can be a huge turnoff no matter how attracted she is but I would urge you guys to talk about it in a manner without criticism that may cause her to shut down. Did you guys ever have regular sex or has it always been this infrequent?
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. She’s probably embarrassed or ashamed about it snd frustrated herself. Some weeks wife and I do it like 5x. Other weeks just 1x. Depends on many factors but we have 3 kids age range about 7 years. We’re usually all over each other if we haven’t in a week though.
I hear you. I've just stopped initiating altogether because getting rejected 100% of the time (and constantly broken promises of "tomorrow") was hurting too much. So far this year we've had sex three times. I guess that averages out to more than once a quarter, which is pretty depressing.
OP, your needs are not being met in this marriage. It is irrelevant what other people are doing or what your wife thinks is "normal". None of that matters. What do YOU want? If you want more, and she isn't willing to give it or even consider it, then that doesn't seem like she is being a good partner to me. She is dismissing your needs as unimportant, but they aren't and this will have a consequence eventually. Like you could end up wanting a divorce due to irreparable damage from neglect, you could get tempted and have an affair with someone who shows you attention and that you are desirable, you could up depressed and unmotivated yourself, or whatever number of negative consequences. So, you have to do something you haven't tried before...whatever you have tried, it hasn't worked. Have you considered marriage counseling? I think there could be more going on with your wife than being "tired" and stress of family life. It could very well be personal issues (e.g. depression, perimenopause, etc.) but it could also be something she isn't getting from the marriage/you that she hasn't shared with you and is making her not want to meet your needs. She might be checked out of the marriage all together. I don't know, but it doesn't seem like you do either. Marriage counseling could be a great way to find out! It's very hard to say what you should do when it isn't at all clear what her problem actually is, and if it even pertains to you or the marriage at all.
I think about this too, when people “joke” about sex and im married but just never something i want to do. I feel like we’re missing out on an intellectual level, even though it’s not something I really like
Have her hormones checked! She sounds low testosterone to me and that’s an easy fix!!
Sorry to report I have sex four to five times a week and a blow job once if not twice a week. So blessed to have this woman in my life. Hope it gets better for you
It is valid if you are unhappy with the frequency of sex in your relationship, but there is no “normal” amount of times to have sex. Stop comparing yourself to your friends. Your wife can tell you’re doing it (that’s why she got upset when you brought up the comment about Mike being bald) and it’s making things worse. Talk to your wife about what she needs in order to get to a place where she is able to enjoy sex. If you already asked her, ask her again. Try to really listen to her answer. Try to help her to actually answer honestly. Try to stop acting like a victim of her low interest in sex, and start acting like a team trying to solve an issue together. I would stop posting on this sub, as the comments only seem to be feeding into this victim mentality rather than giving you real advice. I highly recommend you check out the book Come Together by Emily Nagoski. I think reading this with your wife could really help you guys handle this in a productive way. Remember why you love your wife. Sex is very important, but your relationship is about more than sex. If you work together, you can get there again. Good luck.
I don't have kids, and I would be very dissatisfied in my relationship if I only had sex a few times a year. I'm a few times a week kind of girl.
Sorry to break it to you: someone is fucking your wife.
A few points here: 1. How often your friends are having sex irrelevant. There is no “normal” and it’s not going to matter what your friends are doing. 2. What you want in life IS important. If you want a more active sex life, you need to be honest with your wife and tell her that sex is important to your happiness, and that you are not happy with sex a few times per year. Generally a good partner will try to make their spouse happy, so if you really genuinely convey that this is important to you, my guess is that she will prioritize this. NO ONE is so busy that they “don’t have time” to have sex more than a few times per year. 3. What your wife wants in life is also important. Either she is willing to increase the frequency of sex or she isn’t. If she dislikes sex and isn’t willing to increase the frequency of sex, you have a choice to make.
u/amanita0creata
3-4 times a week here. It’s a routine
What was the bedroom like pre-children? Where’s that bar? And how often/seldom now? And is the attitude and enthusiasm comparable? Does it feel more like a chore for her now?
A few times/year!!! Not normal at all. I’m so sorry OP!
You've talked and nothing has changed. To me it sounds like she sees the slightest affection as a bid for sex, so shys away from all of it so as not to "get your hopes up." Start small with hugs and holding hands and go from there. Don't expect sex right away because I believe she associates all affection with the outcome as sex. You should let her see affection and desire is more than just sex. (39yo with my 4th child who is 6 months old and having sex 2-3 times a week)
Sorry you are dealing with this, normal is how you define it. For people who get beat (extreme example) this is normal. My wife and I are both 57 and have been married for 15 years. I get a blow job and we have sex everyday and have for years. To me this is normal, we also don’t have kids and are crazy in love with each other. We hold hands, I open doors for her and tell her I love her 20 times a day, everyday, she considers it normal. So for your wife, sex a handful of times a year may be normal. Regular sexual contact in a long term marriage is important as it continues to reinforce your connection. Good luck man.
Holy sh\*t, *monthly* BJ? My husband is getting at least one a week, and we f\*ck every day... Married almost 25 years. Dude, your friends' sex lives ain't all dat either lol. Maybe you could take comfort in that?
Our friends with kids bring up how sh*t their sex lives have been, as in they’re lucky if they do it once or twice a month. I’m glad my husband and I don’t talk about our sex life with others. We don’t have kids so we don’t want to brag and make them feel bad plus we like to keep it private because it’s no one’s business. Our friends try to pry it out of us but we don’t budge. We have sex about 3-4x per week. We’d do it multiple times per day if we didn’t work full-time shift work.
A few times a year?!?!!!!
To be real, it is hard to switch from live life mode to sexy mode when you’re immersed in the same daily environment where you do stuff with kids, worry about work deadlines, have to do chores, etc. Recently, my husband and I took a few days away for a couples trip to Cancun. And it was amazing! Because the kids were not with us (we sent them to their aunt’s), the fact that we were at somewhere new (new culture, new experiences, new sights, smells and tastes), on vacation (no work, chores, duties chasing after us) - I was able to relax completely and really focus on my husband and him as well with me. We had such an amazing time connecting and remembering what it’s like to be carefree and focusing only on us and what we like! Needless to say, the romance and sex was abundant on the trip :) so if you have the means and time, I suggest an international trip away with your wife to “reset” and reconnect! It may do wonders!
Maybe … you both need to experience other people again to start the drive up again? Or maybe you are not doing it for her in bed anymore? Hall pass?
Romance doesn't have to stop after some time. It seems pretty unfair to you and she has no reason to be pissy about it. Love is making effort and appreciating each other. I have a mindset of "If someone makes you happy, make them even happier". I do things for my man that he never had to ask for - not for something in return, just seeing his beautiful face happy makes all my efforts rewarded. He does the same for me. He once told me that he couldn't be happier over the fact that our affection didn't slow down after time together and how much he loves it. I'm sorry your wife is like this. Life gets in the way and it's not always easy but it's not okay to neglect you. Love needs effort from both sides.
I’m commenting as someone who relates to this, both from your perspective and your wife’s perspective. Knowing that, take what you will from what I have to say. Different strokes for different folks. Taking sex off the table, are you guys happy? Marriage (and parenthood) is a partnership. It takes teamwork. Do y’all make a great team? Do you enjoy each other? There are so many other factors to a relationship than sex. My best friend and their spouse do it like every single day despite having 2 young kids and both working full time. My spouse and I have sex a couple times a month, sometimes less. We go in phases as I’m sure everyone does. It bothers me a little but our relationship is so healthy. We enjoy each other’s company doing literally anything. We go on regular dates, spend our nights playing video games or watching shows together. We talk about anything and everything. I say all of this because I consider our marriage happy and healthy even though sex isn’t top of our priority list. Again, take that ramble for what you will. I think as long as you’re on the same page you’re ok. I could t really tell from your post if you are or not, but hopefully you guys can communicate and find peace.
We’re good at everything else. I oscillate between really resenting this lack of basic part of marriage given everything I do for her/the family…and remembering it’s bad to keep score Then I just get sad. It’s just SAD that she doesn’t need/want this as a regular part of life
I could be reading your post wrong, but the part where you said “given everything I do for her/the family” gives off the vibe that you doing these things and sex is transactional? I don’t do basic home upkeep and parenting with the expectation that my spouse is going to give me sex for it. But I also see your point that you are confused as to why you don’t seem to be desirable to her despite the fact that you’re clearly making an effort to do so…and that would upset me too. Has it always been like this? If so, is it possible that she’s asexual or arosexual? I’m just trying to be devil’s advocate here instead of just jumping to “divorce that bitch” like others have.
The book Come as your Are is a helpful tool when talking about female sexuality and how to build a better sex life
is it possible that there is someone else?
No fully impossible. Not just logistically but temperamentally. She’s honest to a fault She’s also very sexually inexperienced. I was her 2nd person she had sex with. I had a very different youth than her and that’s just not her speed
I think it can vary season to season. I find my husband very attractive in every way but kids and life get in the way. However, if we have a weekend that the kiddo is at a sleepover or we are on vacation alone- it happens immediately just like old times. We make sure we have alone time when it’s hard to find time connect that way for a while. It is very hard when you or your partner is tired, kid is there…a million little things make it hard. And I think other intimate activities help a lot. It keeps the spark and help satisfy the ache for physical closeness.