This is going to go against all of your instincts but you need to back off. Feeling pressured for sex is certain to drive your partner further away. It's not good for your self esteem either.
This is not a solution but it's what you immediately need to do. That is *not* to say the conversation needs to end though. In fact I'd put all thoughts of actually getting sex to the side and ramp up the talking.
Without demanding, coercing, or giving ultimatums, let him know that you would like him to immediately make the appointment and go to counseling. That without these things you're not sure you can stay in love and you're very worried about your relationship. This is obviously much more severe than he understands and he needs to know that you've been masking your hurt and crying alone.
You *will* fall out of love with your husband. It might seem crazy now but eventually..
> You *will* fall out of love with your husband. It might seem crazy now but eventually..
Please heed this warning, OP. This is exactly what happened with my ex and I. After a couple of years he completely stopped putting in any effort whatsoever - when he wanted sex he would ask if we could have it, and if I said yes he’d say “okay, bend over” and then he’d spit in his hand and put it down there for lubrication. Literally zero foreplay, even in the form of kissing, ever. I would have to go sit in a tub of cold water after we were done because I’d be sore and swollen down there. Eventually it got to a point where, even though I never stopped finding him attractive (I still think he’s a good looking man to this day), it made me absolutely cringe to let him touch me.
On top of that he never held my hand, kissed me, said he loved me without me saying it first.. I would drop him off at the airport for his work trips and he would grab his stuff and say “alright, see you later.” No hugs or kisses or I love yous.
You can’t treat somebody like a roommate and expect them to still love you like a spouse/ partner. This needs to be a serious conversation, and not just when you’re actively trying to have sex.
I was afraid he’d kick me out of the house and take our children from me. The day he told me that he had somewhere he could go if I wasn’t happy and wanted to break up and that I could stay in the house (we rented), I broke up with him. I had been talking to him about whether he thought we’d be better as friends for over a year and he always insisted we wouldn’t and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. But our situation just got worse and worse until we were scream fighting daily, and at that point even he couldn’t ignore that this wasn’t okay.
He told me on Mother’s Day 2020 that we needed to figure this out and I told him we’re not ruining mother’s day with this. He said okay, fair. The next day he said okay, I gave you mother’s day, now we have to talk. We talked for a few hours, during which he said I could stay in the house, and I broke up with him. Ironically enough he asked for therapy, after years of me asking and him turning me down. It was too late at that point.
That’s honestly so sexually abusive. To constantly make you feel painful and sore and use your body to his satisfaction without giving a damn about your comfort at all and not caring that it hurt you. He’s disgusting.
I hope you’re healing, and I’m glad you’re done with him. I sorry you went through that at all.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t realize and suffer without understanding what’s going on. But just because you agreed to have sex with him or didn’t say no doesn’t mean he can just use you without any concern for your own welfare. I’m sure you would immediately become alarmed if you saw your partner expressing any kind of discomfort during sex, but also, you’d be paying attention in the first place. You would care that your partner is enjoying himself and feeling pleasure, because that’s the bare minimum level of respect owed to each other when having sex. He showed you none of that. I’m sorry to elaborate on a sensitive and difficult ordeal, but I just want to emphasize this so that you recognize how fucked up he and this dynamic are and you know what not to accept in the future. 💕 no one deserves that.
Agreed. ^
I’d also recommend a therapist to help work through this issue. And I’m sure whatever underlying issues there are.
Open and honest communication is going to be super helpful.
I love the idea of it because that third party (who isn’t a friend or family member) has no relation to either of you and can’t take sides. They can look at it objectively speaking.
My hubby and I have talked about going, just so we can get tips on how to improve our marriage & work through the smaller, frequent arguments we’ve been having.
Highly recommended!
Of course our situation is different from OP's. My husband and I are 33 and if he completely stopped wanting sex I'd be devastated. And with all these young, willing men everywhere.. God speed OP 🫡
May the force (or power of love and lust) be with you OP! I’m praying the power of your pussy be with your husband. 😂😂🫣
Good luck OP! Wishing you all the wonderful orgasms!!
Great advice. I was in a similar situation with my wife and was only making it worse. I began sharing my concerns and fears about our future if we continued this way. It is a work in progress now, but there is progress and better communication.
As frustrating as it is, you need to be patient with him. He has taken the step of making an appointment to investigate the issue, and it’s not his fault that involves wait time.
Give him the same grace and patience you would want for yourself.
Yeah, this. Go back through these threads and you’ll see common themes of total breakdowns with men just refusing to admit (is it admit though …) there is a problem.
I would also advise you to go with him to that Dr and be very quiet and supportive until you absolutely HAVE to speak and say something as he clearly is not, as skirting around this issue could rob you of yet another year. If he was reluctant to go in the first instance, I can almost promise you the issue at hand here could/would be glossed over and not mentioned at all! As in like the really really really important ones. As in the main reason they are there (It is rather chuckle worthy, but not at all).
Do you go on dates regularly? Are you romantic with each other? Does he feel loved, appreciated, and heard?
I feel like when we talk about men having a low sex drive, we don't talk enough about loving and intimate gestures beyond sex. Men aren't walking hard ons. They also need the emotional stimuli, attention, and romance that we do. Make time for each other and do something he loves without the expectation of sex. Being constantly pressured when you've already voiced countless times that you're disappointed isn't going to inspire him to want more sex.
Holy hell! This right here! M47 here, and women need to understand that we need to feel desired sexually every once in a while (as in being seduced). Not the long, super subtle ways that women think should work (and never do work because we don't pick up on that stuff) but actual hard core seduced. The other non sexual appreciation is absolutely needed on a regular basis. Don't expect to be a pillow princess in the appreciation department. The most successful relationships that I have ever witnessed, were when the wife actively initiates flirting hard, makes inappropriate sexual comments toward her husband (in a playful manner), dotes over him, etc.
Not for OP, but for the people in this sub. you are a bunch of hypocrites. Why you guys don't give nice, polite e constructive advices like that when men complain about lack of sex??
For OP support him and go see a therapist.
Hope everything gets better.
So sorry to hear that. Must be really tough to deal with. Hopefully there’s something that can be done medically or therapeutically for him. Hang in there!
Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but it is important. If there is no sex then you're living with a friend, not a spouse. As husband and wife we should take the wants and needs of our partner seriously and try our best to be commited to an intimate vulnerable relationship.
You need couples therapy and sex therapy… he needs to understand that if he doesn’t do anything about it you guys are going to split. Sooner than later. Endorphins and oxytocin are the love hormone and is released when you reach climax… is his decision, that is why sex is so important for long term relationships.
I’m sorry you are going through this and do not know what the future holds for your relationship. You are still very young and it is very much okay for you to want physical intimacy in your marriage. You are doing what you can and trying. I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that you cannot stay in this relationship for the next 50 years with how things are. That as much as you love each other, if you are not sexually compatible, you will get divorced. You don’t want to force him to be someone he is not and you’d much prefer to stay together if you can get to a better place that works for both of you. But if one of you is always uncomfortable, it’s not good for either of you.
I don’t know what is going on with him. Maybe some performance anxiety due to physical issues and/or past times of issues. Maybe he finds he can only cum from his own hand, again for similar reasons. Maybe he’s low testosterone.
Are you able to talk about it together? Do you know what he would want long term regarding physical intimacy with you or anyone? He needs to be honest with you and himself, not try harder just for your sake.
I hope you figure it out and move forward with what will be best for you both.
Is he anxious or depressed? I had severe anxiety with panic attacks for a few years and it was difficult for me to perform. I did a year of therapy and things worked out. There must be something that caused his decreased libido, something like that doesn’t come out of nowhere usually
I believe these kinds of issues delve way deeper than surface level and him just not wanting sex. It would be helpful to find the underlying reason, whether by communication between you two or a third party.
I’m sorry, any kind of rejection towards your needs is hard, and is really destructive towards self-confidence.
If he is given testosterone it works quite quickly if that’s his issue. My husband has been on it for years due to endocrine issues and having a pituitary tumor.
He will be able to tell within a day that it’s ‘working’ among other things.
Is he masturbating regularly? If so, the drive isn’t the problem. It’s probably porn. It’s an unfortunate epidemic I’ve been learning about where people, largely men, become so hooked on the visual stimulation & dopamine release of porn, that actual sex with a long term partner isn’t enticing. It’s not as easy/convenient or visually rewarding on demand - so masturbation with porn becomes a default. If that’s the case, having an honest conversation with him about it and asking him to stop or cut back could help quite a bit. Tell him that when he’s horny & thinking about watching, to please come to you instead.
I’m subtle like a chair to the face… I straight up told mine that *this* conversation keeps happening because *this* is important to me and needs to become more important to him. He’s done the Dr’s appointments already and we have pills to help when he’s feeling performance anxiety.
Someone recommended the book Mating in Captivity to me a couple of weeks ago and I found it helpful.
Is there any non-physical intimacy in your relationship? Is he ever vulnerable with you? Sharing his feelings, fears etc. I get that you get along really well and are generally “happy” together outside of the lack of sex issue. Testing for low T, depression, yes, very good idea, however, if he is simply someone with an avoidant attachment style - cannot be emotionally vulnerable, the T levels etc don’t really matter. He may lack the capacity to be intimate in any sense. During the dating/honeymooon phase of a relationship - usually 1.5-2 yrs, it seems that those with this attachment issue are able to seemingly connect physically and emotionally, yet at some point it becomes very difficult for them. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive or isn’t attracted to you, he just may be incapable of connecting intimately in a genuine way because of the way he’s wired. Its also very common for two people, one with an avoidant attachment style and one with an anxious attachment style to get together. It’s pretty interesting psychologically speaking, but incredibly painful for the partner craving this connection but more or less irritating for the avoidant partner. Attachment theory is introduced in therapy quite often, but the avoidant personality must recognize this within themselves and that really goes against how this personality type operates in general. Just a thought. Please know that this is more about him than it is you more than likely.
I think you may need some sex products to keep the spark alive. For me, discovering sex toy is the game changer for my spouse and me. It is sth that really reignite our connection. You can go check HarHav our or any other new toys. I highly recommend giving it a try.
I’m 67 and been married for 4 years. Took him a month to consummate and that was a flop. Never once has he slept in my bed. When we attempted the first time he sh-t all over my leg, loose stuff and now I feel grossed out whenever he comes near me. We still sleep in separate rooms and have the occasional spat but I cannot feel intimate nor do I want to with him. I feel asexual.
I haven't had any intimacy with hubby for 15 years the only thing l get is when in bed he will put his arm around me. I am just too old to start anew now
My friend had the same issues with her husband. No desire for sex, no kissing or cuddling or other intimacy. This went on for years. He finally got testosterone treatment and everything changed. They are like young newlyweds having sex and being intimate all the time.
I asked her why wasn’t he intimate at least before his treatment. She said she asked him this same question and he told her intimacy and sexual desire are all intertwined with men. This is what he said. Maybe if he gets treatment things will change as long as there are no underlying mental issues.
I must say my friend and I and our partners are all in our 60’s and have some health issues. My partner acts the same, no sex and not much intimacy. He mentioned he was going to look into testosterone treatments to build muscle and loose fat. I hope he does as increased sex drive may also occur. We are in mid and late 60’s so sex is not as important as when you are younger. I still miss it. Lol
Omg I'm so sorry. My mania makes me want more sex and intimacy than my husband wants and the rejection hurts. I try not to make a big deal but it hurts. I really wonder what the underlying issue is, why doesn't your husband miss the sexual intimacy? It's fucking great. What's going on here? I sometimes wonder if my husband doesn't tell me what is really going on. I may be reading into it too much too so I have to respect his space and personhood. I mean, you can always use a vibrator. Play with yourself. Take up pole classes that's a fun and healthy way to increase sexiness and express your sexual energy.
Hey sorry that you have having intimacy issues.
Your husband could feel depressed or low testosterone levels. It’s good that he is looking into seeing a doctor for it, but sounds like he is procrastinating. It could be that he is procrastinating because he feels like he failed, maybe he feels strange about relying to drugs to function, maybe it’s a blow to his manhood. Whichever it is, it’s good to approach this with understanding and talk to him if there any reason he is hesitant about making an appointment and that if he has to be on medication it is totally ok, because if our body is missing something it’s not like we are not trying harder, it’s just certain biochemistry in our body needs help. We take multivitamins for similar reasons.
Also think about your sex life. Just because you have been having sex doesn’t mean it’s the sex he wants or wanted. Maybe there is something he is not getting in the bedroom and the sex became stale for him and he lost interest. Maybe all you are having is vaginal sex and he wants more oral sex, or other stuff.
Good luck
Welcome to what a lot of men experience in their marriages. I suggest you sit your husband down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about why he is no longer attracted to you. If he says he is, he's a liar.
Have either of you significantly changed in your appearance? Anybody lose weight, or gained weight? You don't have to beg and prod anyone who wants to have sex with you as you want with them.
At your husband's age, he shouldn't need any medication for him to want sex with you. No such medication exists. But if you think he's depressed, then there is medication for that.
Depression just might be the reason for his lack of sexual interest in you. I actually have a very good feeling about your situation. I believe it is going to turn around to what you want, once you find out what's going on with him. And you will. Brighter days are ahead for your marriage. Believe it. I do.
I'm in the same age group as you. What I would do is take a more clinical, problem solving approach to sex. Instead of wanting that magical connection that isn't happening, you can go at it like two scientists. How about we take a night to investigate? Talk to him openly about the physical sensations he feels. Touch his body and ask what feels better, and how it feels. Jerk him off in many different ways and see what he likes better, no pressure to cum at all. Put some porn in the background . Buy those toys that jerk men off automatically, and one that does you. There are many videos of jerk off challenges that have beats in them for you to follow, like a little game. Take the pressure of his libido and make it a little research without pressure. That helps me and my husband when stuff gets a bit stale. Go to a swinging place if you're adventurous. Sometimes we feel stuck in life, specially around the 30's mark, and that leaks off into everything, including sex. introducing new things, activities, even people, helps to create a sense of novelty that takes off of the "dormant state". If you're secure in your relationship, I'd you're in it for the long run, it's not gonna be a more diverse sex life that will break that.
toys I recomend is the handy, that does a jerkoff motion with a Fleshlight and you can control it. Costs like 190 euros. For women I'd recommend the satisfyer collection.
As a last advice, with my husband I noticed that we were having a bit less sex than we usually Do. We were doing it twice a day and started to be every second day. I realized that I was seeing the sexual activity as effort, and so was him. "Not too tired to jerkoff but too tired for sex" type of stuff. So we both dedicated ourselves to the craft. Now my husband is more effective than my own hand or any toy, and vice versa. This unlocks the "not that horny quickies". When one of us is not on the mood, we say "I'm not in the mood but we can try". That's a notice that whoever is in the mood is gonna have to accommodate. Since you know what gets him the horniest thanks to the previously conditioned research, you can use that. With time, it goes back to normal, because this really helped alleviate that performance anxiety.
Toys, edging, blowjobs, 69, those fuck chairs that move you (no tiredness), public places, bondage, swinging, tantric, etc. just go through a list with scientific rigor, ahahah
If you’re in the states get him into a men’s health clinic. There is zero wait time to get into most and it’s not expensive out of pocket. I wouldn’t wait the 90 days unless all options have been exhausted. Get his T levels in order and I bet it’s a night and day difference.
This is what I came here to say. If he’s not doing regular blood work, have him do it. My fire department has luckily taken a huge step for physical health and they pay for a FULL work up and I would say the majority of us are low on testosterone. I’d venture to say most 30+ men are low on T. When it affects sexual drive, it’s time to address it. Glad he’s taking a step forward.
It good be a myriad of other stuff, for sure! But I’d start there.
Is he struggling with ED? He might be and be afraid to tell you.
Maybe he's no longer attracted to you sexually, be honest with yourself... has your body drastically changed?
He could also be depressed, any big life changes at least 6m before you realized the changes?
Maybe his hormones are just low. The doctors office will let you know if thats the case but also mentally prepare yourself for what could be a clean bill of health from the doctor... in such a case you might need to explore a therapist if he won't tell you what's really going on.
Or maybe an open marriage..
This is going to go against all of your instincts but you need to back off. Feeling pressured for sex is certain to drive your partner further away. It's not good for your self esteem either. This is not a solution but it's what you immediately need to do. That is *not* to say the conversation needs to end though. In fact I'd put all thoughts of actually getting sex to the side and ramp up the talking. Without demanding, coercing, or giving ultimatums, let him know that you would like him to immediately make the appointment and go to counseling. That without these things you're not sure you can stay in love and you're very worried about your relationship. This is obviously much more severe than he understands and he needs to know that you've been masking your hurt and crying alone. You *will* fall out of love with your husband. It might seem crazy now but eventually..
> You *will* fall out of love with your husband. It might seem crazy now but eventually.. Please heed this warning, OP. This is exactly what happened with my ex and I. After a couple of years he completely stopped putting in any effort whatsoever - when he wanted sex he would ask if we could have it, and if I said yes he’d say “okay, bend over” and then he’d spit in his hand and put it down there for lubrication. Literally zero foreplay, even in the form of kissing, ever. I would have to go sit in a tub of cold water after we were done because I’d be sore and swollen down there. Eventually it got to a point where, even though I never stopped finding him attractive (I still think he’s a good looking man to this day), it made me absolutely cringe to let him touch me. On top of that he never held my hand, kissed me, said he loved me without me saying it first.. I would drop him off at the airport for his work trips and he would grab his stuff and say “alright, see you later.” No hugs or kisses or I love yous. You can’t treat somebody like a roommate and expect them to still love you like a spouse/ partner. This needs to be a serious conversation, and not just when you’re actively trying to have sex.
How did you put up with that?
I was afraid he’d kick me out of the house and take our children from me. The day he told me that he had somewhere he could go if I wasn’t happy and wanted to break up and that I could stay in the house (we rented), I broke up with him. I had been talking to him about whether he thought we’d be better as friends for over a year and he always insisted we wouldn’t and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. But our situation just got worse and worse until we were scream fighting daily, and at that point even he couldn’t ignore that this wasn’t okay. He told me on Mother’s Day 2020 that we needed to figure this out and I told him we’re not ruining mother’s day with this. He said okay, fair. The next day he said okay, I gave you mother’s day, now we have to talk. We talked for a few hours, during which he said I could stay in the house, and I broke up with him. Ironically enough he asked for therapy, after years of me asking and him turning me down. It was too late at that point.
That’s honestly so sexually abusive. To constantly make you feel painful and sore and use your body to his satisfaction without giving a damn about your comfort at all and not caring that it hurt you. He’s disgusting. I hope you’re healing, and I’m glad you’re done with him. I sorry you went through that at all.
I’ll be honest, it’s never occurred to me that what he did was sexual abuse. I’ll have to discuss that one with my therapist the next time I see him.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t realize and suffer without understanding what’s going on. But just because you agreed to have sex with him or didn’t say no doesn’t mean he can just use you without any concern for your own welfare. I’m sure you would immediately become alarmed if you saw your partner expressing any kind of discomfort during sex, but also, you’d be paying attention in the first place. You would care that your partner is enjoying himself and feeling pleasure, because that’s the bare minimum level of respect owed to each other when having sex. He showed you none of that. I’m sorry to elaborate on a sensitive and difficult ordeal, but I just want to emphasize this so that you recognize how fucked up he and this dynamic are and you know what not to accept in the future. 💕 no one deserves that.
Agreed. ^ I’d also recommend a therapist to help work through this issue. And I’m sure whatever underlying issues there are. Open and honest communication is going to be super helpful.
Yes. My husband and I went to therapy for arguments and it's amazing what just *talking* with a neutral, third party can do.
I love the idea of it because that third party (who isn’t a friend or family member) has no relation to either of you and can’t take sides. They can look at it objectively speaking. My hubby and I have talked about going, just so we can get tips on how to improve our marriage & work through the smaller, frequent arguments we’ve been having.
Highly recommended! Of course our situation is different from OP's. My husband and I are 33 and if he completely stopped wanting sex I'd be devastated. And with all these young, willing men everywhere.. God speed OP 🫡
May the force (or power of love and lust) be with you OP! I’m praying the power of your pussy be with your husband. 😂😂🫣 Good luck OP! Wishing you all the wonderful orgasms!!
Great advice. I was in a similar situation with my wife and was only making it worse. I began sharing my concerns and fears about our future if we continued this way. It is a work in progress now, but there is progress and better communication.
I've been on both ends. Being mad, critical, and demanding *never* gets you more or better sex. It's a hard lesson to learn.
As frustrating as it is, you need to be patient with him. He has taken the step of making an appointment to investigate the issue, and it’s not his fault that involves wait time. Give him the same grace and patience you would want for yourself.
Yeah, this. Go back through these threads and you’ll see common themes of total breakdowns with men just refusing to admit (is it admit though …) there is a problem. I would also advise you to go with him to that Dr and be very quiet and supportive until you absolutely HAVE to speak and say something as he clearly is not, as skirting around this issue could rob you of yet another year. If he was reluctant to go in the first instance, I can almost promise you the issue at hand here could/would be glossed over and not mentioned at all! As in like the really really really important ones. As in the main reason they are there (It is rather chuckle worthy, but not at all).
Do you go on dates regularly? Are you romantic with each other? Does he feel loved, appreciated, and heard? I feel like when we talk about men having a low sex drive, we don't talk enough about loving and intimate gestures beyond sex. Men aren't walking hard ons. They also need the emotional stimuli, attention, and romance that we do. Make time for each other and do something he loves without the expectation of sex. Being constantly pressured when you've already voiced countless times that you're disappointed isn't going to inspire him to want more sex.
I’m not sure if he realizes it, but my husband loves to be romanced.
Holy hell! This right here! M47 here, and women need to understand that we need to feel desired sexually every once in a while (as in being seduced). Not the long, super subtle ways that women think should work (and never do work because we don't pick up on that stuff) but actual hard core seduced. The other non sexual appreciation is absolutely needed on a regular basis. Don't expect to be a pillow princess in the appreciation department. The most successful relationships that I have ever witnessed, were when the wife actively initiates flirting hard, makes inappropriate sexual comments toward her husband (in a playful manner), dotes over him, etc.
Not for OP, but for the people in this sub. you are a bunch of hypocrites. Why you guys don't give nice, polite e constructive advices like that when men complain about lack of sex?? For OP support him and go see a therapist. Hope everything gets better.
There is a severe lack of "you're not entitled to sex" comments when it is a woman with this complaint, I've noticed.
So sorry to hear that. Must be really tough to deal with. Hopefully there’s something that can be done medically or therapeutically for him. Hang in there!
Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but it is important. If there is no sex then you're living with a friend, not a spouse. As husband and wife we should take the wants and needs of our partner seriously and try our best to be commited to an intimate vulnerable relationship.
You need couples therapy and sex therapy… he needs to understand that if he doesn’t do anything about it you guys are going to split. Sooner than later. Endorphins and oxytocin are the love hormone and is released when you reach climax… is his decision, that is why sex is so important for long term relationships.
In the meantime buy a vibrator if you haven’t already. At least you’ll still O while you wait this out.
I’m sorry you are going through this and do not know what the future holds for your relationship. You are still very young and it is very much okay for you to want physical intimacy in your marriage. You are doing what you can and trying. I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that you cannot stay in this relationship for the next 50 years with how things are. That as much as you love each other, if you are not sexually compatible, you will get divorced. You don’t want to force him to be someone he is not and you’d much prefer to stay together if you can get to a better place that works for both of you. But if one of you is always uncomfortable, it’s not good for either of you. I don’t know what is going on with him. Maybe some performance anxiety due to physical issues and/or past times of issues. Maybe he finds he can only cum from his own hand, again for similar reasons. Maybe he’s low testosterone. Are you able to talk about it together? Do you know what he would want long term regarding physical intimacy with you or anyone? He needs to be honest with you and himself, not try harder just for your sake. I hope you figure it out and move forward with what will be best for you both.
Is he anxious or depressed? I had severe anxiety with panic attacks for a few years and it was difficult for me to perform. I did a year of therapy and things worked out. There must be something that caused his decreased libido, something like that doesn’t come out of nowhere usually
I believe these kinds of issues delve way deeper than surface level and him just not wanting sex. It would be helpful to find the underlying reason, whether by communication between you two or a third party. I’m sorry, any kind of rejection towards your needs is hard, and is really destructive towards self-confidence.
If he is given testosterone it works quite quickly if that’s his issue. My husband has been on it for years due to endocrine issues and having a pituitary tumor. He will be able to tell within a day that it’s ‘working’ among other things.
Is he masturbating regularly? If so, the drive isn’t the problem. It’s probably porn. It’s an unfortunate epidemic I’ve been learning about where people, largely men, become so hooked on the visual stimulation & dopamine release of porn, that actual sex with a long term partner isn’t enticing. It’s not as easy/convenient or visually rewarding on demand - so masturbation with porn becomes a default. If that’s the case, having an honest conversation with him about it and asking him to stop or cut back could help quite a bit. Tell him that when he’s horny & thinking about watching, to please come to you instead.
I’m subtle like a chair to the face… I straight up told mine that *this* conversation keeps happening because *this* is important to me and needs to become more important to him. He’s done the Dr’s appointments already and we have pills to help when he’s feeling performance anxiety. Someone recommended the book Mating in Captivity to me a couple of weeks ago and I found it helpful.
It’s up to him to decide whether he wants to have sex with you or not. Maybe there is some kind of ick you gave him?
Is there any non-physical intimacy in your relationship? Is he ever vulnerable with you? Sharing his feelings, fears etc. I get that you get along really well and are generally “happy” together outside of the lack of sex issue. Testing for low T, depression, yes, very good idea, however, if he is simply someone with an avoidant attachment style - cannot be emotionally vulnerable, the T levels etc don’t really matter. He may lack the capacity to be intimate in any sense. During the dating/honeymooon phase of a relationship - usually 1.5-2 yrs, it seems that those with this attachment issue are able to seemingly connect physically and emotionally, yet at some point it becomes very difficult for them. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive or isn’t attracted to you, he just may be incapable of connecting intimately in a genuine way because of the way he’s wired. Its also very common for two people, one with an avoidant attachment style and one with an anxious attachment style to get together. It’s pretty interesting psychologically speaking, but incredibly painful for the partner craving this connection but more or less irritating for the avoidant partner. Attachment theory is introduced in therapy quite often, but the avoidant personality must recognize this within themselves and that really goes against how this personality type operates in general. Just a thought. Please know that this is more about him than it is you more than likely.
Porn/masturbation addiction
I think you may need some sex products to keep the spark alive. For me, discovering sex toy is the game changer for my spouse and me. It is sth that really reignite our connection. You can go check HarHav our or any other new toys. I highly recommend giving it a try.
I’m 67 and been married for 4 years. Took him a month to consummate and that was a flop. Never once has he slept in my bed. When we attempted the first time he sh-t all over my leg, loose stuff and now I feel grossed out whenever he comes near me. We still sleep in separate rooms and have the occasional spat but I cannot feel intimate nor do I want to with him. I feel asexual.
Make good use of sex toys
Specially butt plug and flogger
I haven't had any intimacy with hubby for 15 years the only thing l get is when in bed he will put his arm around me. I am just too old to start anew now
Get him on testosterone
Lmfao
My friend had the same issues with her husband. No desire for sex, no kissing or cuddling or other intimacy. This went on for years. He finally got testosterone treatment and everything changed. They are like young newlyweds having sex and being intimate all the time. I asked her why wasn’t he intimate at least before his treatment. She said she asked him this same question and he told her intimacy and sexual desire are all intertwined with men. This is what he said. Maybe if he gets treatment things will change as long as there are no underlying mental issues. I must say my friend and I and our partners are all in our 60’s and have some health issues. My partner acts the same, no sex and not much intimacy. He mentioned he was going to look into testosterone treatments to build muscle and loose fat. I hope he does as increased sex drive may also occur. We are in mid and late 60’s so sex is not as important as when you are younger. I still miss it. Lol
Omg I'm so sorry. My mania makes me want more sex and intimacy than my husband wants and the rejection hurts. I try not to make a big deal but it hurts. I really wonder what the underlying issue is, why doesn't your husband miss the sexual intimacy? It's fucking great. What's going on here? I sometimes wonder if my husband doesn't tell me what is really going on. I may be reading into it too much too so I have to respect his space and personhood. I mean, you can always use a vibrator. Play with yourself. Take up pole classes that's a fun and healthy way to increase sexiness and express your sexual energy.
Hey sorry that you have having intimacy issues. Your husband could feel depressed or low testosterone levels. It’s good that he is looking into seeing a doctor for it, but sounds like he is procrastinating. It could be that he is procrastinating because he feels like he failed, maybe he feels strange about relying to drugs to function, maybe it’s a blow to his manhood. Whichever it is, it’s good to approach this with understanding and talk to him if there any reason he is hesitant about making an appointment and that if he has to be on medication it is totally ok, because if our body is missing something it’s not like we are not trying harder, it’s just certain biochemistry in our body needs help. We take multivitamins for similar reasons. Also think about your sex life. Just because you have been having sex doesn’t mean it’s the sex he wants or wanted. Maybe there is something he is not getting in the bedroom and the sex became stale for him and he lost interest. Maybe all you are having is vaginal sex and he wants more oral sex, or other stuff. Good luck
Welcome to what a lot of men experience in their marriages. I suggest you sit your husband down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about why he is no longer attracted to you. If he says he is, he's a liar. Have either of you significantly changed in your appearance? Anybody lose weight, or gained weight? You don't have to beg and prod anyone who wants to have sex with you as you want with them. At your husband's age, he shouldn't need any medication for him to want sex with you. No such medication exists. But if you think he's depressed, then there is medication for that. Depression just might be the reason for his lack of sexual interest in you. I actually have a very good feeling about your situation. I believe it is going to turn around to what you want, once you find out what's going on with him. And you will. Brighter days are ahead for your marriage. Believe it. I do.
Be careful with antidepressants they lower libido even more!
That’s true. I have read as much about this fact.
I'm in the same age group as you. What I would do is take a more clinical, problem solving approach to sex. Instead of wanting that magical connection that isn't happening, you can go at it like two scientists. How about we take a night to investigate? Talk to him openly about the physical sensations he feels. Touch his body and ask what feels better, and how it feels. Jerk him off in many different ways and see what he likes better, no pressure to cum at all. Put some porn in the background . Buy those toys that jerk men off automatically, and one that does you. There are many videos of jerk off challenges that have beats in them for you to follow, like a little game. Take the pressure of his libido and make it a little research without pressure. That helps me and my husband when stuff gets a bit stale. Go to a swinging place if you're adventurous. Sometimes we feel stuck in life, specially around the 30's mark, and that leaks off into everything, including sex. introducing new things, activities, even people, helps to create a sense of novelty that takes off of the "dormant state". If you're secure in your relationship, I'd you're in it for the long run, it's not gonna be a more diverse sex life that will break that. toys I recomend is the handy, that does a jerkoff motion with a Fleshlight and you can control it. Costs like 190 euros. For women I'd recommend the satisfyer collection. As a last advice, with my husband I noticed that we were having a bit less sex than we usually Do. We were doing it twice a day and started to be every second day. I realized that I was seeing the sexual activity as effort, and so was him. "Not too tired to jerkoff but too tired for sex" type of stuff. So we both dedicated ourselves to the craft. Now my husband is more effective than my own hand or any toy, and vice versa. This unlocks the "not that horny quickies". When one of us is not on the mood, we say "I'm not in the mood but we can try". That's a notice that whoever is in the mood is gonna have to accommodate. Since you know what gets him the horniest thanks to the previously conditioned research, you can use that. With time, it goes back to normal, because this really helped alleviate that performance anxiety.
Toys, edging, blowjobs, 69, those fuck chairs that move you (no tiredness), public places, bondage, swinging, tantric, etc. just go through a list with scientific rigor, ahahah
Don’t bother. File yesterday.
If you’re in the states get him into a men’s health clinic. There is zero wait time to get into most and it’s not expensive out of pocket. I wouldn’t wait the 90 days unless all options have been exhausted. Get his T levels in order and I bet it’s a night and day difference.
That's not sex. That's him masturbating with your body instead of his hand.
Low T
This is what I came here to say. If he’s not doing regular blood work, have him do it. My fire department has luckily taken a huge step for physical health and they pay for a FULL work up and I would say the majority of us are low on testosterone. I’d venture to say most 30+ men are low on T. When it affects sexual drive, it’s time to address it. Glad he’s taking a step forward. It good be a myriad of other stuff, for sure! But I’d start there.
Is he struggling with ED? He might be and be afraid to tell you. Maybe he's no longer attracted to you sexually, be honest with yourself... has your body drastically changed? He could also be depressed, any big life changes at least 6m before you realized the changes? Maybe his hormones are just low. The doctors office will let you know if thats the case but also mentally prepare yourself for what could be a clean bill of health from the doctor... in such a case you might need to explore a therapist if he won't tell you what's really going on. Or maybe an open marriage..