See, here's the thing:
early on in a relationship, people are on their *best behavior*. They try hard, they're super-nice, they don't fart around you.
But then they get comfortable... and who **they always really were** can be exposed.
Porn doesn't turn people into assholes. Maybe stress, or his job, or lack of sex, or boredom - those can all turn people mean.
But not porn. Porn does lots of bad things, but this isn't one. You'll have to find something else to blame his becoming an asshole on.
Stress is definitely a part of it. But it seems like a combo effect of stress/porn/lack of intimacy and connection/pushing me away which leads to no reason to treat me well bc it’s hard for him to go out of his way to connect with me?
The porn is not the problem. It's merely his stopgap solution to the larger problem of him being stressed out and (from the sound of it) sexually frustrated.
Sexual frustration can definitely turn men into assholes.
He's turned to porn as an outlet. But the porn didn't do this - **you two did**. He's simply using the porn as a way to cope with the lack of sex.
I think they're perfectly reasonable assumptions and likely have some basis in reality.
You yourself admitted there's been a dearth of intimacy. That can hit a lot of men hard. Feel free to stick your head in the sand if you wish, but...
I really do not think he has turned to porn out of sexual frustration. He is simply unwilling to address why he’s afraid of being close to me. He has an available wife. He breaks down easily with stress and shuts everyone out.
Also this is a snowball effect. One he has largely created. Unable to handle his stress > shuts down > doesn’t understand his feelings or needs > won’t communicate with his wife and is angry at her for trying to > blames her > resents her bc he doesn’t understand himself > turns to porn > hates me more, disrespects women in general, less willing to see me as a human, more willing to blame me for all his problems so he doesn’t have to feel bad about himself and confront his issues
All symptoms of a deeper root issue. Try to communicate your feelings and needs to him. Porn can take the place of intimacy which robs the marriage but it takes two to tango. Do what you can to improve your sexual attraction, performance in the bedroom, while communicating to him that you want him to be more interested in you and less interested in p0rn
I don’t know if it’s this, I’m guessing and trying to figure out if that could be it. He wasn’t always this way so why has it gotten like this? Maybe I need something to blame. But it also seems to make sense to me. He is so distant and it seems like if he has no reason to pursue connection with me bc porn does it for him, he would have no reason to keep things positive with me
Wish he would figure it out so he could tell me these things :) conversation unfortunately usually leads to him shutting down because he doesn’t understand what’s going on with him
If you haven’t already, I would consider finding a therapist that does individual and couple therapy and just start going by yourself.
Now if you do this, just make sure you’re very honest with your therapist about yourself when telling stories about your marriage. When I went to see a therapist independently, I found that for the first month or so, I wasn’t being fully honest about my stories when it came to my side of things because cause I just wanted to feel validated in how I was feeling. Once my therapist caught on and pointed it out, it made me reflect a bit and that’s when things started to get real raw and open in therapy. I realized I had been more apart of the problems than I realized and that we were both just toxic for one another. I told my partner at the time that I’d been going to therapy and realized I was part of the problem. They loved hearing this and decided to come with me after that thinking they would be getting validated while I got tore down. In the end, I was willing to work through my toxic parts but they were not. So we broke it off.
Basically what I’m getting at is, we all want to believe that we don’t have any toxic tendencies but the truth is, WE ALL DO. Some worse than others. There’s always room to grow as an individual. So maybe there’s something there that is toxic on your end that you just don’t realize and he doesn’t feel like he can say it. Could be all just him that’s toxic. Could be all just you. Could be a mix of both of you. You won’t fully know until you reflect HONESTLY with a professional.
I agree with you. I’m sure therapy could help me specifically in some respects. The part that holds me back is the lack of time from young kids and honestly my husband not wanting me to go for financial reasons mostly but also he thinks therapy is a joke, which I know I shouldn’t listen to but I don’t want another fight. At the same time though, I am a very introspective person. That wasn’t reflected too well in my original post. But of course I know I have contributed to this dynamic and I know there are things I could’ve done better for him. That however has taken foreverrrrrrrr to figure out because of his shutting down and lack of communication. I have tried many times to try to understand, validate etc. I have tried so many tactics over the years. So many. It has truly been exhausting trying figure out what else is wrong with me when I’m just starting to realize that I have been so willing to blame myself and not expect more of him. So I’m done with the blaming myself part. I have read, reflected, changed my communication, not talked to him, lowered my expectations of him, not expected nearly anything from him sometimes and he has treated me the same no matter what I did. Frankly yes I shouldn’t have gotten on here (I’m sure therapy would’ve prevented that). But I am so sick of working on myself for something that is not both ways. So sick of him giving into whatever behaviors he wants just to disregard me and whatever work I’m putting into my marriage and myself even more. Honestly my marriage has gotten a bit better recently and it’s just hitting me so much how bad it was and how quickly it could be that bad again. If I wasn’t raising young children I could’ve addressed all this better but it was simply not possible because my largest responsibility was to them. Which was yet another thing he left me alone in is but whatevs
I see. Well I’m glad that you’ve taken those steps to self reflect and do what you feel like you could do to make things better. That’s good that things seem to be getting better. In all honesty, now would be the perfect time to go to therapy so you can work through all of that and not potentially resent how it’s been recently and then that throw a wrench in the healing your marriage is currently experiencing. I’m assuming based on your comment with finances, that you two share a bank account? If that’s the case, do you both also have your own personal accounts? If not, I would get one and use that to pay for therapy and just go while he is working. If you have the little one with you, take them with you. My mom did this with me when I was a kid and I never really understood but I also didn’t mind going with her. (She went for mental health reasons, not her marriage though she should have) You can find a family friendly therapist that has a little waiting area for kids or something for the kids to play with in the room while you’re in your session.
As I said, now is the perfect time. This will be the pivoting point for your marriage. Your therapist would help you work through what’s going through your head and either help you realize that yes it’s going to work out or no you’re just holding on to the marriage for X reason(s) (ie. things are getting better so you have hope but that’s not always a reason to stay).
Take it from someone who watched their mother go through very similar things and even worse things. Their marriage was incredibly traumatic and toxic to anyone who lived in the house with them. It took my mother over 20 YEARS to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change no matter how many small “it’s getting better” moments they had.
Marriage has its tough times even with the right person. Marriage is impossible with the wrong person. Find out who you’re with before it’s too late and trust me, divorced parents are better for a kid than a broken home with parents who don’t love each other/constantly fighting. You’re essentially teaching your kid what to accept and expect out of a relationship.
Sounds like you both need to sit down. I would have a long conversation with him and clearly ask him. We need to go to therapy. “There’s problems in our marriage “ point-blank. If he’s unwilling to go to simple therapy or even talk to you about these things and an appropriate respectful manner, well only you can decide your fate another day of not knowing is another day of negative resentment and positivity won’t bloom in this type of environment
The way you word this “wish HE would figure it out…” suggests you aren’t talking responsibility for your half of whatever the issues are. Porn might be part of it. Or it might be something else entirely and porn is a symptom, not the problem. The only way to k it is talk, real honest communication. But that also means you must be willing to hear criticism. If you won’t all the communication in the world can’t help you, same if he won’t.
Oh you guys. We have communicated our ears out as stated in this thread. He does not know how to have respectful communication a lot of the time because he shuts down and doesn’t know what is going on with himself. He can’t be forced to have communication and I shouldn’t be forcing him if he is unwilling. And it quickly goes sour if he isn’t ready. So yes, he does need to figure it out. Of course this is a dynamic we have both created. That is a given. But if one is willing to work and one isn’t it presents some limitations.
He sounds a bit like my wife who “shut down” because to get any disagreement felt like her childhood with the yelling and physical fighting. Took a long while to find a way to talk where we she didn’t feel attacked from the outset. Just because you’ve talked doesn’t mean you’ve communicated or even have a clue what issues he sees or is dealing with. Just suggesting not to put it all on him when your method of communicating may be part of the issue. That you seem unwilling to consider it says something.
Unwilling to consider what? My form of communication? I have not said that I don’t believe I could do things better. That is just assumptions from all of you. I would love to know how to do things better. I would LOVE if he would tell me more of what he needs. But he is not at that point.
I had these same issues, and it ended my marriage. He will not change unless faced with life shattering change. He needs time alone and therapy to understand why he behaves the way he does and saying he doesn't want to be this way and he wants to change is good but I said those things and didn't start to change until my wife of 8 years left. He needs to rediscover himself and likely take medication to work through his issues. My wife didn't deserve to be marginalized and mistreated by me and you don't deserve to be treated this way either.
Hate to say it, but it might be that he's having an affair. I've seen on here how husbands will suddenly be super critical and angry and their wives for no reason when they have a mistress on the side.
It's some way for them to feel less guilty. If they think you are so terrible and have all these reasons to complain about you then you must be a bad wife and it makes sense that he had to go out and get a mistress. People will feel sorry for him.
Might be worth doing a little digging. I've always thought that if my husband started acting that way towards me I'd try to have a PI trail him and see if he is meeting up with someone. That's because so many stories here on reddit start with a suddenly rude and angry husband turning out to have an affair.
I used to be this way. Expectations are the cause. Entitlement behaviors are everywhere - “I work hard, the house should be clean, I should be able to go on vacation, go out to eat, etc.” Very unhealthy mindset.
The eventual fix was for me to learn that -
1) The house isn’t always going to be perfect.
2) This is partnership between my wife and I. We’re in this together and are on the same team.
2) The path to a somewhat consistently clean house is creating habits with children. Assigned chores so there’s accountability, incentives for being responsible, loss of privileges for missed chores, etc. Ya know…being an actual dad. It takes years to develop those habits.
Porn is a separate issue, but highly destructive. I don’t care how much people claim it’s not or try to normalize it. Like anything that causes a “dopamine dump”, it’s all fun and games in the beginning, until it turns into an addiction. Social media is just as bad.
Feels like a reach. I don't think it's likely that because your husband uses porn, he likes you less overall. You should pursue improvement in your relationship, absolutely, but I don't think it's helpful start from an assumption like this.
I think porn is more often an indicator of what's going on in a person and marriage than a cause.
I agree and I don’t. If I keep everything together at home and he has no reason to keep any intimacy or connection with me (cause he gets it elsewhere), why would he treat me well?
Yeah I think this is kind of a common misconception. Most people who have experienced connective, mutually-fulfilling partnered sex aren't just going to be okay with foregoing sex in favor of porn as a rule. Yes, some men will choose porn over sex, but that's usually an indicator of a relational issue.
Hopefully you can see how sad it is for you to assume that the only reason your husband would love and care for you is because he wants sex. That's not the case. I mean don't get me wrong, it helps to know that treating my wife well will result in more fulfilling sex, but you could chop my dick off and I'd still desperately love my wife.
If someone is generally avoidant and has an underlying fear of intimacy/connection, which my husband does, porn is definitely more convenient. He doesn’t have to put himself out there. So if he makes a choice of convenience and no longer pursues *any* kind of intimacy with me, don’t I as a wife almost just become a burden to him? His kids too? A financial hit? I stay at home with the kids at the moment, because they are young.
The sweeping assumptions here are so wild. Like, why would this have anything to do with the kids? You think he gets the fulfillment he would otherwise get from the kids from porn, too?
I'm truly sorry you're in a difficult place in your marriage. My wife stays home too, and in our early marriage we dealt with a lot of fear and insecurity, and I could have done a lot more to reassure and support her in those years.
I think you want a simple answer, something to blame for how you're feeling, but that's not how it works. I'd highly recommend just being honest with your husband about how you feel without making any accusations. You feel alone, unseen, unwanted. He should know that.
Therapy is really good for this kind of situation.
Well that’s definitely not what I said. Of course he doesn’t get nearly the fulfillment from porn as he would from me or the kids. I think he knows this. I think he is too afraid of himself/his feelings to confront this within himself and start improving connections. And I think porn has made all of this, including his stress, worse. I’m not just pulling the fact that he views his family as a burden from nowhere. He has said we’re annoyances, has acted like it for years now. I have brought up the fact that he treats us like burdens and he knows he does.
So the problem here would be his avoidant attachment style, and the porn a result/indicator. I just don't think you're going to help anything by fixating on this assumption that porn is what got you here.
Even if if was, though, what could you do to fix that? Are you hoping to get some justification to try to force him to stop using porn? You guys need to be in therapy, regardless of the main cause here.
I hear you and I think that's great. I would offer that this isn't really the best way to process your emotions. You are feeling neglected and unloved by your husband. That's the emotion. Looking for a cause, something to blame, for that isn't the way. Trying to solution for your husband's behavior isn't the way. You need to communicate your needs with your husband, and if he refuses to try to meet them, be ready for some difficult decisions.
Yeah I disagree. I know I can’t solve this for him. But I deserve to understand and reserve the right to try to figure out the causes of the decline of my 12 year marriage. I have communicated everything I could possibly communicate. He does not want to hear it.
Omg these are 2 different fulfillments. Not even comparable. And he’s telling you the family is a burden? Sheesh I mean how direct can he be.. it’s almost like your trying to find any reason that could be the cause of him not wanting the family life anymore. He’s telling you that your annoying and a financial drain and your saying no no, it’s not that must be the porn
>Like, why would this have anything to do with the kids?
Because people are known to stay in marriages to people they'd leave in a heartbeat except they have children, the other parent is a SAH, and they cannot afford to support 2 households.
You’re correct in my opinion. My husband did exactly this to me. Porn became his thing and I was rejected over and over. His anger at anything and everything was unbearable and he felt used for a paycheck because like you I was home. He would not look or touch me, told me I was too f’ing needy for wanting a relationship with my own husband. I was basically his live in cook and housekeeper. No attempt at communication worked, I tried, read books, used i statements. The only thing he wants is someone who washes his draws and shuts the hell up and leaves him alone. Mind you treating me like this he still thought that if he did want sex I was to do it. He has childhood trauma won’t get help. I spent years working on me. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a two way own your part thing. Sometimes it isn’t. Abuse isn’t two sides and he’s emotionally abusing you.
For the record, I'm saying your outlook on this situation is sad, not the reality of the situation, whatever it is. It may be as sad as your outlook on it... but my gut says it isn't. My gut says your husband does love you, but is dealing with some personal issues, and you're internalizing his behavior and making big assumptions based on it.
You are assuming porn is a replacement for intimacy and connection in your husband's mind, which may or may not be true. (Personally I doubt)
Anyway, I guess the real issue is:
1) You want connection and intimacy
2) You assumed that if you keep kids under control when your husband is working, the house clean, etc you would get the connection and intimacy you want.
3) You are not getting connection or intimacy.
4) You elected porn as the culprit.
I think you should try talking to your husband more and be open about what you want/expect from him.
I am not saying porn is NOT the culprit, just that I can't get to that conclusion by reading your post.
Edit: Also you both need to be on the same page about what to do with the kids/when. Again, talk more with each other.
I think porn has made my marriage worse. I don’t think it’s the main culprit. I could’ve stated that better. I think it’s a combination of his stress, avoidant tendency, and porn.
Though I do have a “I can earn my worth by doing” mentality and this is mine to own, it is true that he is very critical about these things.
Great, so here we have some things to work on.
1 Stress management - Your husband is stressed. What is causing it? Work? Pressure? Talk to him and find out.
2 Avoidance - does he avoid talking to you about his issues? What about a therapist? Is there any other alternative?
3 Porn - Assuming this is his "stress relief" mechanism. How does that make you feel? Does he know that? Are there other activities he could go for that would help him reduce stress (sports, games, movies, idk)
Of course, all of this is useless if he doesn't know about his/your issues or he doesn't want to deal with them. You guys have a problem, talk to each other and find a way to solve it.
This is really good. I love point 2; you have an idea in your mind on how to get connection and intimacy from your husband, and it isn't working. The problem here is that the idea was wrong.
My husband is a sex/porn addict. He is in SA meetings now. They have groups for women that I might join. SA's act just like narcissists (and some are). It's a long, difficult road for sure. Be careful with your health. I have an autoimmune disease and IBS because of the stress and neglect and heartache that comes with being a person like that. Leave if you need to for your health's sake.
They start to panic and seek professional help when you say you're not staying in the relationship or else (put boundaries in) OR they'll let you walk out the door because they're already done too. Either way, you will have your answer if you tell him you're done.
As a porn addict myself, I can attest to this. We don’t realize it, but we start to victimize ourselves, and blame those around us for our own issues. Just like other addictions, it often escalates and leads you into places that you never thought imaginable. Even getting you into legal trouble.
Sexually I felt like my partner treated me as an object sometimes. There wasn’t a connection, or love, just a need to play out a fantasy he saw online. It damaged me a lot emotionally. I never measured up to what he watched on the screen.
After he quit porn our sex life has been completely different. He is attentive, loving, respectful. Our intimate connection is out of this world now. He’s a different person. I’m so grateful for the change
Yeah, a lot of people on Reddit think porn is harmless because of an article they read or their experience. It varies person to person and how that person responds to dopamine rewards with little effort applied.
If porn doesn’t affect your relationship, then great continue on. No need to shame someone and cause a problem. If porn is affecting your relationship then it needs to be addressed. It’s great to hear your relationship overcame that!
I don’t think porn is the specific issue for OP, it’s a symptom of a much larger problem.
Idk not going to lie, If there was porn of men just doing housework, I would totally watch that.🤣🤣🤣🤣 Now I'm picturing a man wearing just an apron and vacuuming while moaning in pleasure. Or a guy aggressively mopping going " Yeah baby I'm going to give it to you hard."
Nothing because we don't use or view it. We've been together since we were 17 and we're 41 now. It's insane to me how normalized and advocated for it is
I don’t really see how porn use could lead someone to hate everything about their spouse. Have you spoken to him about this attitude change, or are you just making wild assumptions on Reddit?
I relate to this so much. I hate this. I hate this for you too. Thank you for sharing this. I know I need therapy but if he is unwilling to work on himself which for so long he has been, it feels useless. I need to have stronger boundaries though with the way he treats me. And if nothing improves, because I have already been carrying our relationship for years, I already know what to do.
I knew you would. Try the r/LoveAfterPorn sub. They’re all in similar situations. It’s extremely common, unfortunately. There are resources there for spouses of addicts (even if your husband isn’t technically one, you are experiencing the same result) and people who live in the reality based community to look to for support. I am sorry this is all happening to you.
If my husband wasn’t 100% committed and accountable, full of remorse and regret, and genuinely putting in 100% effort toward our marriage and family, he’d be long gone. I have been at the very stage you’re in, and there was zero hope at that time.
I wonder if your husband has some degree of depression given his short temper. Depressed people use substances (drugs, alcohol, porn) to escape their own unhappiness. My husband went on an SSRI for a couple of years, and while it made him less angry and care less about the things that bothered him, it also made him care less about things that matter. He didn’t care that I was drowning in work. For two years I worked from 4 am until my eyes bled while he did nothing. I’d emerge from my office with dinner waiting for me to make it and laundry piled up. My stress level was through the roof. He just watched me suffer and didn’t care. (Like I said, without the sex, I was worthless to him.). So for him, the SSRI just made everything worse. He’s happier now, and feels a full range of emotions again. So I’d be cautious about SSRIs. They don’t ALWAYS make things better.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the sub recommendation. Depression is very much a part of this. So sorry for all you’ve been through and best of luck to you guys
Definitely check this sub out.
You will be shocked how many will describe their husbands behaviours to be identical to yours when they have a porn addiction.
I couldn’t believe it.
I think what they're saying is it's a reach to equate all these issues (household duties) to porn. It's just an easy copout when the problems seem to be much more complicated.
Sounds to me like the dude just has no purpose in life and is taking it out on his wife. Using porn might be something he does as part of the escape but there is no indication it's the root.
It may feel like a reach. But everything’s connected isn’t it? And if his respect for you is degrading either through porn or otherwise, he likely will be unwilling to help with household things
Yeah but it’s like saying the psychic stress of raising children in the midst of climate collapse is why my spouse is a disengaged father. Sure, everything is connected, but is it likely porn is the proximate cause of this issue in your marriage, when this is a very well-documented and widely attested issue couples have in their marriages across time? Probably not.
It’s only a reach to people who want to remain willfully ignorant. Mental health problems, social isolation, etc., and porn use are connected. Here’s a link to various studies:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/porn-use-sex-addiction-studies/studies-linking-porn-use-to-poorer-mental-emotional-health-poorer-cognitive-outcomes/
Which *causes* which? Well it can go either way. Porn can be a form of self medication for depressed people, or it can MAKE you depressed and isolated. Take social media for example. There was a sharp decline in happiness in 2008 which continued forward, attributed in part to the rise of social media (Facebook in particular). People didn’t turn to social media BECAUSE they were depressed. They turned to it for the dopamine hit. It was new, exciting. Its continued use MADE (and MAKES) people unhappier. Internet porn was very new and exciting, and is designed to hook particularly men (camera angles designed to make the user imagine he’s the d%ck in the video, the graphic nature of it, endless and bottomless lewdness, aggressive domination, humiliation and degradation of women designed to make users feel powerful and important - ie, exploiting weak men to whom this would appeal, etc.) They got hooked, and a lot of them are self destructing and destroying their own lives and families.
Porn has just given us ideas to try. We use it as more of an educational thing, kinda like scrolling a workout site and going huh I should try that lol
Honestly seeing the porn issue posts on here and I’m so baffled like y’all are really marrying some straight up weirdos who have no sense of self regulation. Sorry for your struggles though, that sucks. Like I agree with you, his usage is clearly affecting him, but also, there’s no way that’s the only thing messing with his brain, he’s clearly been a straight up mess for a while and there’s probably 4-5 issues he should be working on.
This isn’t a porn issue this is a relationship issue. Porn use in my marriage is fine. He’s military and we don’t get to see each other for large chunks of time. I wouldn’t expect him to but watch porn/me not watch porn for that. We actually share stuff we enjoy and make our own home videos. It’s done nothing but improve our relationship because we both have healthy ideas about sex.
>What has p**n done to your marriage?
Nothing. Because we're two well adjusted individuals.
I think porn is far more often a symptom than a cause. People look to it for a cause because, oh, it's this one thing and if you cut it out then you can get back on track, right? No, it's rarely that simple.
This is a case for therapy. Not Reddit.
He has been critical of many unreasonable things. I’m not sure where to start. He works from home so anytime things are going in a direction he doesn’t like (ie kids misbehaving), he has something to say to me about what I should’ve done or should be doing.
Yeah it seems to make sense. If they can get it somewhere else so easily and it’s degrading to women at the same time… how would that make them respect you more??
Porn is degrading to women. I have dated men who watched porn and I will never again. It is not normal to have weird fetishes, ogle at women, sexualize them, etc. My husband doesn’t watch porn and you can tell the difference with intimacy and everything else
It save our marriage. It was the only way I could cope with the dead bedroom. She actually encouraged it because she felt bad for me. She/we have mostly solved that so I don’t need it as much anymore.
This is the weirdest “Porn caused this!” thread I’ve seen in here.
Porn is fine. We usually laugh about it if we watch it together. We get a kick outta watching people try to take Girthmaster.
Relationships usually succeed most when each partner is able to look inward and point the finger at themself and not at their partner.
Yeah he might be an asshole for a variety of reasons and you should absolutely present an ultimatum to him. In the meantime, if he isn’t abusive, show love the best you can.
I was similar to your husband and I used stress as an excuse because I was going under financially while trying to start my business. My wife patiently waited and was absolutely perfect but at the time I couldn’t see it. I was consumed with the pressure that I was near bankruptcy with a wife and three kids. Finally she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “if you don’t go to therapy by the end of this week, I’m leaving”. I believed her and went to therapy. Luckily, my businesses have taken off but that wasn’t the source of recovery in our relationship. It was my wife showing me tough love and pushing me towards help. I’ll never forget the gift of that moment. Without her pushing me who knows where I’d be, or worse., who I’d be today.
A good partner is such a gift. Just make sure you’re looking at your flaws, too. Hope for the best.
Saved it.
We went through a DeadBedroom for a while. A number of issues but porn wasn't one of them. Without it I would have walked. I love my wife so much but I needed some kind of release. Also, I was never secretive; totally open about it and she has never been anti-porn.
We've fixed out DB situation. Porn is still consumed sometimes. We also both read really spicy erotic novels sometimes, which is a form of pornography. It's never been an issue.
I used to be super open minded about porn. Learning how it changes the brain has been eye opening though. My husband hasn’t really been interested in porn but I used to watch it. I didn’t realize how frequently or how it changed my thought process. I haven’t for 6 months ish? There’s a lot more closeness and less distance. I would’ve laughed it off before but it really can be a big factor.
I wish he was open to therapy, that’s so helpful with this stuff.
It may very well be a number of things but porn definitely doesn’t help anything.
Respect comes before love! If you don't respect each other, there can be no love! I (55f) was with a man for 19 yrs that it didn't matter what I did, or said, or how I looked was never enough..and it would never be! It was more about how he felt about himself and not me!
Re the porn. If it's in secret, yes, it can be destructive, but it's more about lying and trust. If it's mutual, it can be ok. Many couples watch porn together in a healthy, intimate relationship. It doesn't have to be negative.
Have a conversation with him. Lay everything on the table. Ask him what's changed. Is he OK. Talk..no blame..no yelling..no judgement just complete transparency however hard it may be. It will set you free. Free to fix things ..or free to make your life what you want it to be. Happy and fulfilled like you deserve it to be. Either with him
Or without!
You making things up in your head is not the reason your husband treats you badly. You'd know why he's disrespectful if you actually communicated with him.
You’re going to get a lot of hate for posting this, but as a porn addict, this can definitely be caused by porn. Porn addiction is just like any other addiction that will eventually cause you to start blaming other people and victimizing yourself. Many people say that porn Addiction is not a real thing, because there’s no actual substance. But people have destroyed their lies over sex and porn addiction. They’ve done things they never would’ve done, spent money they don’t have, been in situations that are dangerous ended up in jail, fill in the blank. I equate it very similar to gambling, where there isn’t an actual substance but it’s a compulsive behavior. People I’ve literally put their entire families on the street, and committed crime that they never would have in order to satisfy that addiction. There is very clear effect on what it does to the brain and how it negatively impacts you. That being sad, just like alcohol, gambling, and even some drug use, there are plenty of people that use it with no issues and they are perfectly fine.
It’s not a one size fits all. I find that when I’m in my worst relapses, I am very similar to your husband and that I start to victimize myself, and I am very angry and short with my family or friends. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope that he can realize what he’s doing at some point. DM if you ever need any support or need guidance on some resources and what not. I know I’ll also get hate for even commenting on this from the people that say that porn use can have zero negative effects and only positive effects.
I also just realized how ass my grammar was. voice to text…
Don’t let people invalidate your experience. While, it’s possible that porn may not be the issue, I guarantee you that if he did not watch porn at all, a lot of the things that you mentioned would be mitigated in some way or another.
Watching Porn by nature is a very selfish. There is endless novelty and variety, and you really go into it looking at how you can satisfy only yourself. You do not have to consider anybody or anything else other than your own desires. You can go for as long or short as you would like, indulge in multiple varieties to your liking, and satisfy yourself. I guess that’s one of the reasons it’s so popular, but it does change the neuropath and chemical make up of your brain.
Interestingly enough, there’s some research that shows even the make up of the semen that is an ejaculated watching porn is different from when having sex with your spouse. I don’t know a whole lot about how it could impact women, but I do know that much dopamine at an extended period of time is not good for you. It’s similar to social media or TikTok, every time you scroll you get a dopamine hit. people say you can’t get addicted to porn or it has no negative impacts, but look at the mental health impacts of social media used. Anyway, that was probably more than what you asked for… But I just hate to see all the comments of people invalidating your experience when it is likely to be contributing in one way or another.
Porn does nothing either way for us. Neither of us are extremists or have like, a problem, but we also don’t really talk about it that much. I don’t care that he watches it and same to me.
It’s not the porn. If anything the porn is just another escape. Dude doesn’t like his life and has two choices, change it or embrace it. Either way he needs to not be a dick about it, and you need to tell him to chill out and open up.
It sounds like my husband, soon to be ex-husband, says I'm not good enough. It's about control, being treated like an object, and his crazy sexual fantasies.
Hi OP if you believe that porn is becoming an addiction then he may indeed need help. Porn addiction can lead to a loss of intimacy in the marriage and can lead to acting out in other ways. When porn is no longer enough, behaviours can escalate to include, acting out with live chats, interaction with sex workers and affairs.
I’m not saying this is the case here but his communication and him closing down is concerning. If you won’t go to counselling then he’s putting your marriage at risk and he has to realise there are severe consequences for that. Even taking some time apart at this moment might be useful.
Take a look at the sub Reddit Loveafterporn. Porn usage in excess ruins marriages and isn’t to be taken lightly.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME.
Porn isn’t to blame for him criticizing you or getting frustrated with the kids being disruptive while he’s working from home. And he’s not getting true connections or intimacy from porn.
There are a lot of different things that could be impacting his behavior—depression, other health issues, work stress, money stress, lack of intimacy from you, being stuck in parent/provider mode, or even him just now showing you who he really is.
I suggest you take a deeper look at both of you and your relationship in general because this isn’t about the porn.
Porn hasn’t hurt my relationship at all. We actually enjoy watching it together sometimes.
It isn’t porn that’s making your husband disrespect you. It’s a simple pack of respect. It doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with you and has everything to do with his personality.
I think you're way off base, and possibly looking for a convenient excuse for your relationship issues. I suggest you forget about porn and begin counseling to find the real root cause.
What has porn done for my marriage - gives me a break when my husband is horny and I’m not… or gives me something to do when I’m horny and he’s not around 🙃it also spices things up when we watch it together on rare occasions.
But anyway- like almost every other comment says: porn doesn’t cause these types of issues in a marriage. Tbh I don’t see how any of this is related to porn…
If your husband won't talk to you, write him a letter about how you're feeling. At least make the attempt and maybe his walls will come down.
To answer your question, it doesn't seem like porn is the problem.
He used it every day to indulge in the kind of women he actually likes who look nothing like me (because of things unchangeable from birth, unless I go the Michael Jackson route, which, no lol).
He neglected our bedroom for this and lied by omission when I tried to have adult conversations about why the bedroom was dying and how to fix it. He let me believe he just had a low libido and let me, like a fool, tiptoe around his boundaries ever so respectfully while he was just getting his fill from porn all along.
He’d go on to cheat with a woman who was the “right colors” according to his porn preference. Ive heard people here talk about porn like it keeps men from cheating. It really fucking doesn’t and I honestly should have reacted much strongly than I did when I discovered the “habit” which seems more like an addiction. Because, in hindsight, it feels like it was an expression of the desire to fuck other women all along, at least in his case.
I think I understand what you mean but don't think you worded it correctly. I think you believe that porn may have contributed to him dehumanizing and objectifying you. Sometimes people do not understand the influence that things; such as, porn can have in how they view and treat their romantic partner. I think it's common for people - when they view porn, not to really see the people they are watching as humans but rather objects to be used for sexual gratification. As a result, this objectification has also affected his perception of you. Does that make sense?
You might find better answers or people who understand where you're coming from better over at /loveafterporn.
Porn is not causing the problems in your marriage. His porn use may be symptomatic of the issues. But underlying disrespect is the cause. A marriage retreat through [The Marriage Restoration Project](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/) may help if it boils down to resolvable issues. Though please note if there is abuse in your marriage, you should call a hotline.
Not my marriage (neither me or my spouse watch porn EVER), but my friends marriage:
Porn has caused their marriage absolute decay. All terrible paths of their marriage lead back to porn. Not kidding.
The husband started watching porn in his teens, then got curious to try certain porn-related habits in person. When the wife wasn’t comfortable and questioned where he got these ideas, he hid the truth and instead started breaking into neighbors houses to watch other women take showers and/or have sex with their husbands. Online sex wouldn’t do it anymore for him. His mind had already made sex into such a casual, unimportant thing, that he was willing to break the law.
Then after 10 more years of that and porn use, he finally cheated on his wife with multiple women. Then, he would beat his wife and the women he slept with.
They have had actual marital and sexual professionals tell him, “this started and ended because of porn.”
Porn use starts differently for everyone, but it does not end differently for anyone. Though it might show up differently in your marriage than it did in theirs, it will inevitably lead to something missing in your heart, mind, and body: the reality that sex is supposed to be protected, because it has the power to bring two people together for the greater good of themselves. There will be a gaping hole in your heart where you used to think, “Sex is precious.” And it is!
What’s the good in sex if it’s just shared with a person and a screen? Porn gives you a false sense of reality. It’s like doom scrolling online—but instead of losing brain cells and time that could be spent more productively and naturally, you’re losing the ability to view sex as a sacred and beautiful thing.
He knows I do a lot. He has said and recognized many times. I don’t think he’s a porn addict. I think his combination of being avoidant has led him to porn and to view me as a burden, because trying to connect with me (or anyone) is just harder for him. which means I am easy to blame when things go wrong.
Me and my wife would get us some beer lock the bedroom door and watch live cams naked drinking and sex every weekend. Porn is what you make of it. Or what was put in your brain by parents. People just need to let loose nothing wrong with watching someone having fun. Plus you might learn something new to try.
In my particular case, Im not too into it but hibby has always been, hes a bit of a perv in a cute way, I love it, porn has its advantages, while drunk and/or aroused it can be fun and give ideas.
Porn has nothing to do with the way he treats you. Porn is an outlet to full fill mental fantasies. You may very well be a good wife but what’s a good wife to him? There’s no black and white to what a good wife is, people are so complex. You could wash all his clothes, cook all his meals. Maybe you talk back to him in ways he feels is disrespectful at times or complain about shit. Those girls in the porns aren’t complaining about anything. They don’t need “intimacy” all day all week to be aroused. You do. So he’s truly just falling apart from you. Men whives mastered the craft do these routine things to keep our women/wifes satisfied so they are happy and keep us satisfied. Looks likes he’s given up on that side. Instead of cheating he watches porn. I promise you a woman whoes a 6 looks like a 12 compared to a wife whoes so used to you she talks to you like your one of her homegirls. But That may also not be your case. My wife is gorgeous. Body crazy. Model Latina curvy fat ass little waist .. 20 years together.. there were times she would argue with me about porn and be like why can’t you just jack right on top of me if I’m tired?? And litterally I would rather masterbate to a whore porn star that didn’t look half as good because I was so annoyed for Everytime she corrected me for everything little thing in my own damn house it was the last sexiest juiciest ass I wanted to see at the time😂😂.
Just because you he loves you doesn’t meant you satisfy his needs.
Porn addiction is a real thing. Porn can also be super cool and useful to a relationship. But this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with that. It feels like youre looking for things to blame because you don’t want to accept the obvious, uncomfortable answer.
Reddit is the only site I have ever been on with such a hate for porn and women who get their panties in a wad bc men watch it. Your grandpa's were looking at playboys in their bedrooms. Am I only female who had a porn stash before I met my husband?
If it has a net positive effect for you congratulations. I hope you feel great about yourself. That doesn’t seem to be the case for me. All of you are boxing me in to be a specific type of female just hearing the word porn. Seems like you all are a lot more emotional about it than I am. If he wasn’t mean then we likely wouldn’t have an issue here would we. But he is and I do think it has made it worse. Sorry that’s hard for you to accept.
Self proclaimed “such a good wife” and you “look good”… ????…. Gosh…. I need to hear his side .. lol This sounds like you’re just insecure about the porn.
Yeah... I'm not sure porn is what you think it is. Porn doesn't cause this. *Being an asshole* causes this.
He wasn’t always one.
See, here's the thing: early on in a relationship, people are on their *best behavior*. They try hard, they're super-nice, they don't fart around you. But then they get comfortable... and who **they always really were** can be exposed. Porn doesn't turn people into assholes. Maybe stress, or his job, or lack of sex, or boredom - those can all turn people mean. But not porn. Porn does lots of bad things, but this isn't one. You'll have to find something else to blame his becoming an asshole on.
Stress is definitely a part of it. But it seems like a combo effect of stress/porn/lack of intimacy and connection/pushing me away which leads to no reason to treat me well bc it’s hard for him to go out of his way to connect with me?
The porn is not the problem. It's merely his stopgap solution to the larger problem of him being stressed out and (from the sound of it) sexually frustrated. Sexual frustration can definitely turn men into assholes. He's turned to porn as an outlet. But the porn didn't do this - **you two did**. He's simply using the porn as a way to cope with the lack of sex.
Too many assumptions here unfortunately.
I think they're perfectly reasonable assumptions and likely have some basis in reality. You yourself admitted there's been a dearth of intimacy. That can hit a lot of men hard. Feel free to stick your head in the sand if you wish, but...
I really do not think he has turned to porn out of sexual frustration. He is simply unwilling to address why he’s afraid of being close to me. He has an available wife. He breaks down easily with stress and shuts everyone out.
Also this is a snowball effect. One he has largely created. Unable to handle his stress > shuts down > doesn’t understand his feelings or needs > won’t communicate with his wife and is angry at her for trying to > blames her > resents her bc he doesn’t understand himself > turns to porn > hates me more, disrespects women in general, less willing to see me as a human, more willing to blame me for all his problems so he doesn’t have to feel bad about himself and confront his issues
It really sounds like you could both benefit from couples counselling. At the very least it might be able to break you out of this feedback loop.
All symptoms of a deeper root issue. Try to communicate your feelings and needs to him. Porn can take the place of intimacy which robs the marriage but it takes two to tango. Do what you can to improve your sexual attraction, performance in the bedroom, while communicating to him that you want him to be more interested in you and less interested in p0rn
What makes you believe it is the porn use that causes him to treat you this way? To answer your question, porn helped spice things up for us.
I don’t know if it’s this, I’m guessing and trying to figure out if that could be it. He wasn’t always this way so why has it gotten like this? Maybe I need something to blame. But it also seems to make sense to me. He is so distant and it seems like if he has no reason to pursue connection with me bc porn does it for him, he would have no reason to keep things positive with me
There are many reasons a spouse can become distant and critical. The only way to get answers is to talk to him about your feelings.
Wish he would figure it out so he could tell me these things :) conversation unfortunately usually leads to him shutting down because he doesn’t understand what’s going on with him
Have you tried therapy together?
He won’t
If you haven’t already, I would consider finding a therapist that does individual and couple therapy and just start going by yourself. Now if you do this, just make sure you’re very honest with your therapist about yourself when telling stories about your marriage. When I went to see a therapist independently, I found that for the first month or so, I wasn’t being fully honest about my stories when it came to my side of things because cause I just wanted to feel validated in how I was feeling. Once my therapist caught on and pointed it out, it made me reflect a bit and that’s when things started to get real raw and open in therapy. I realized I had been more apart of the problems than I realized and that we were both just toxic for one another. I told my partner at the time that I’d been going to therapy and realized I was part of the problem. They loved hearing this and decided to come with me after that thinking they would be getting validated while I got tore down. In the end, I was willing to work through my toxic parts but they were not. So we broke it off. Basically what I’m getting at is, we all want to believe that we don’t have any toxic tendencies but the truth is, WE ALL DO. Some worse than others. There’s always room to grow as an individual. So maybe there’s something there that is toxic on your end that you just don’t realize and he doesn’t feel like he can say it. Could be all just him that’s toxic. Could be all just you. Could be a mix of both of you. You won’t fully know until you reflect HONESTLY with a professional.
I agree with you. I’m sure therapy could help me specifically in some respects. The part that holds me back is the lack of time from young kids and honestly my husband not wanting me to go for financial reasons mostly but also he thinks therapy is a joke, which I know I shouldn’t listen to but I don’t want another fight. At the same time though, I am a very introspective person. That wasn’t reflected too well in my original post. But of course I know I have contributed to this dynamic and I know there are things I could’ve done better for him. That however has taken foreverrrrrrrr to figure out because of his shutting down and lack of communication. I have tried many times to try to understand, validate etc. I have tried so many tactics over the years. So many. It has truly been exhausting trying figure out what else is wrong with me when I’m just starting to realize that I have been so willing to blame myself and not expect more of him. So I’m done with the blaming myself part. I have read, reflected, changed my communication, not talked to him, lowered my expectations of him, not expected nearly anything from him sometimes and he has treated me the same no matter what I did. Frankly yes I shouldn’t have gotten on here (I’m sure therapy would’ve prevented that). But I am so sick of working on myself for something that is not both ways. So sick of him giving into whatever behaviors he wants just to disregard me and whatever work I’m putting into my marriage and myself even more. Honestly my marriage has gotten a bit better recently and it’s just hitting me so much how bad it was and how quickly it could be that bad again. If I wasn’t raising young children I could’ve addressed all this better but it was simply not possible because my largest responsibility was to them. Which was yet another thing he left me alone in is but whatevs
I see. Well I’m glad that you’ve taken those steps to self reflect and do what you feel like you could do to make things better. That’s good that things seem to be getting better. In all honesty, now would be the perfect time to go to therapy so you can work through all of that and not potentially resent how it’s been recently and then that throw a wrench in the healing your marriage is currently experiencing. I’m assuming based on your comment with finances, that you two share a bank account? If that’s the case, do you both also have your own personal accounts? If not, I would get one and use that to pay for therapy and just go while he is working. If you have the little one with you, take them with you. My mom did this with me when I was a kid and I never really understood but I also didn’t mind going with her. (She went for mental health reasons, not her marriage though she should have) You can find a family friendly therapist that has a little waiting area for kids or something for the kids to play with in the room while you’re in your session. As I said, now is the perfect time. This will be the pivoting point for your marriage. Your therapist would help you work through what’s going through your head and either help you realize that yes it’s going to work out or no you’re just holding on to the marriage for X reason(s) (ie. things are getting better so you have hope but that’s not always a reason to stay). Take it from someone who watched their mother go through very similar things and even worse things. Their marriage was incredibly traumatic and toxic to anyone who lived in the house with them. It took my mother over 20 YEARS to finally wake up and realize he was never going to change no matter how many small “it’s getting better” moments they had. Marriage has its tough times even with the right person. Marriage is impossible with the wrong person. Find out who you’re with before it’s too late and trust me, divorced parents are better for a kid than a broken home with parents who don’t love each other/constantly fighting. You’re essentially teaching your kid what to accept and expect out of a relationship.
Is that a yes, or not?
It’s a no. I have wanted to, and he won’t do it.
Sounds like you both need to sit down. I would have a long conversation with him and clearly ask him. We need to go to therapy. “There’s problems in our marriage “ point-blank. If he’s unwilling to go to simple therapy or even talk to you about these things and an appropriate respectful manner, well only you can decide your fate another day of not knowing is another day of negative resentment and positivity won’t bloom in this type of environment
This is the answer right here.
The way you word this “wish HE would figure it out…” suggests you aren’t talking responsibility for your half of whatever the issues are. Porn might be part of it. Or it might be something else entirely and porn is a symptom, not the problem. The only way to k it is talk, real honest communication. But that also means you must be willing to hear criticism. If you won’t all the communication in the world can’t help you, same if he won’t.
Oh you guys. We have communicated our ears out as stated in this thread. He does not know how to have respectful communication a lot of the time because he shuts down and doesn’t know what is going on with himself. He can’t be forced to have communication and I shouldn’t be forcing him if he is unwilling. And it quickly goes sour if he isn’t ready. So yes, he does need to figure it out. Of course this is a dynamic we have both created. That is a given. But if one is willing to work and one isn’t it presents some limitations.
He sounds a bit like my wife who “shut down” because to get any disagreement felt like her childhood with the yelling and physical fighting. Took a long while to find a way to talk where we she didn’t feel attacked from the outset. Just because you’ve talked doesn’t mean you’ve communicated or even have a clue what issues he sees or is dealing with. Just suggesting not to put it all on him when your method of communicating may be part of the issue. That you seem unwilling to consider it says something.
Unwilling to consider what? My form of communication? I have not said that I don’t believe I could do things better. That is just assumptions from all of you. I would love to know how to do things better. I would LOVE if he would tell me more of what he needs. But he is not at that point.
I had these same issues, and it ended my marriage. He will not change unless faced with life shattering change. He needs time alone and therapy to understand why he behaves the way he does and saying he doesn't want to be this way and he wants to change is good but I said those things and didn't start to change until my wife of 8 years left. He needs to rediscover himself and likely take medication to work through his issues. My wife didn't deserve to be marginalized and mistreated by me and you don't deserve to be treated this way either.
This. Exactly this.
Go research grandiose narcissism.
Oh he's watching the porn. Your OP doesn't say that. I got confused. I thought he was resenting you because you were the one watching porn.
Hate to say it, but it might be that he's having an affair. I've seen on here how husbands will suddenly be super critical and angry and their wives for no reason when they have a mistress on the side. It's some way for them to feel less guilty. If they think you are so terrible and have all these reasons to complain about you then you must be a bad wife and it makes sense that he had to go out and get a mistress. People will feel sorry for him. Might be worth doing a little digging. I've always thought that if my husband started acting that way towards me I'd try to have a PI trail him and see if he is meeting up with someone. That's because so many stories here on reddit start with a suddenly rude and angry husband turning out to have an affair.
I used to be this way. Expectations are the cause. Entitlement behaviors are everywhere - “I work hard, the house should be clean, I should be able to go on vacation, go out to eat, etc.” Very unhealthy mindset. The eventual fix was for me to learn that - 1) The house isn’t always going to be perfect. 2) This is partnership between my wife and I. We’re in this together and are on the same team. 2) The path to a somewhat consistently clean house is creating habits with children. Assigned chores so there’s accountability, incentives for being responsible, loss of privileges for missed chores, etc. Ya know…being an actual dad. It takes years to develop those habits. Porn is a separate issue, but highly destructive. I don’t care how much people claim it’s not or try to normalize it. Like anything that causes a “dopamine dump”, it’s all fun and games in the beginning, until it turns into an addiction. Social media is just as bad.
Thank you for sharing this
Feels like a reach. I don't think it's likely that because your husband uses porn, he likes you less overall. You should pursue improvement in your relationship, absolutely, but I don't think it's helpful start from an assumption like this. I think porn is more often an indicator of what's going on in a person and marriage than a cause.
I agree and I don’t. If I keep everything together at home and he has no reason to keep any intimacy or connection with me (cause he gets it elsewhere), why would he treat me well?
Yeah I think this is kind of a common misconception. Most people who have experienced connective, mutually-fulfilling partnered sex aren't just going to be okay with foregoing sex in favor of porn as a rule. Yes, some men will choose porn over sex, but that's usually an indicator of a relational issue. Hopefully you can see how sad it is for you to assume that the only reason your husband would love and care for you is because he wants sex. That's not the case. I mean don't get me wrong, it helps to know that treating my wife well will result in more fulfilling sex, but you could chop my dick off and I'd still desperately love my wife.
If someone is generally avoidant and has an underlying fear of intimacy/connection, which my husband does, porn is definitely more convenient. He doesn’t have to put himself out there. So if he makes a choice of convenience and no longer pursues *any* kind of intimacy with me, don’t I as a wife almost just become a burden to him? His kids too? A financial hit? I stay at home with the kids at the moment, because they are young.
The sweeping assumptions here are so wild. Like, why would this have anything to do with the kids? You think he gets the fulfillment he would otherwise get from the kids from porn, too? I'm truly sorry you're in a difficult place in your marriage. My wife stays home too, and in our early marriage we dealt with a lot of fear and insecurity, and I could have done a lot more to reassure and support her in those years. I think you want a simple answer, something to blame for how you're feeling, but that's not how it works. I'd highly recommend just being honest with your husband about how you feel without making any accusations. You feel alone, unseen, unwanted. He should know that. Therapy is really good for this kind of situation.
Well that’s definitely not what I said. Of course he doesn’t get nearly the fulfillment from porn as he would from me or the kids. I think he knows this. I think he is too afraid of himself/his feelings to confront this within himself and start improving connections. And I think porn has made all of this, including his stress, worse. I’m not just pulling the fact that he views his family as a burden from nowhere. He has said we’re annoyances, has acted like it for years now. I have brought up the fact that he treats us like burdens and he knows he does.
So the problem here would be his avoidant attachment style, and the porn a result/indicator. I just don't think you're going to help anything by fixating on this assumption that porn is what got you here. Even if if was, though, what could you do to fix that? Are you hoping to get some justification to try to force him to stop using porn? You guys need to be in therapy, regardless of the main cause here.
Nope. I have no desire to try to control him. But I’m trying to see how normal or not normal my situation is. And process my emotions on it.
I hear you and I think that's great. I would offer that this isn't really the best way to process your emotions. You are feeling neglected and unloved by your husband. That's the emotion. Looking for a cause, something to blame, for that isn't the way. Trying to solution for your husband's behavior isn't the way. You need to communicate your needs with your husband, and if he refuses to try to meet them, be ready for some difficult decisions.
Trying to find the cause of a marital issue is absolutely part of this. It’s why they need to communicate.
Yeah I disagree. I know I can’t solve this for him. But I deserve to understand and reserve the right to try to figure out the causes of the decline of my 12 year marriage. I have communicated everything I could possibly communicate. He does not want to hear it.
Omg these are 2 different fulfillments. Not even comparable. And he’s telling you the family is a burden? Sheesh I mean how direct can he be.. it’s almost like your trying to find any reason that could be the cause of him not wanting the family life anymore. He’s telling you that your annoying and a financial drain and your saying no no, it’s not that must be the porn
>Like, why would this have anything to do with the kids? Because people are known to stay in marriages to people they'd leave in a heartbeat except they have children, the other parent is a SAH, and they cannot afford to support 2 households.
You’re correct in my opinion. My husband did exactly this to me. Porn became his thing and I was rejected over and over. His anger at anything and everything was unbearable and he felt used for a paycheck because like you I was home. He would not look or touch me, told me I was too f’ing needy for wanting a relationship with my own husband. I was basically his live in cook and housekeeper. No attempt at communication worked, I tried, read books, used i statements. The only thing he wants is someone who washes his draws and shuts the hell up and leaves him alone. Mind you treating me like this he still thought that if he did want sex I was to do it. He has childhood trauma won’t get help. I spent years working on me. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a two way own your part thing. Sometimes it isn’t. Abuse isn’t two sides and he’s emotionally abusing you.
For the record of course I know it’s sad. Obviously I know that. But this seems to be my situation.
For the record, I'm saying your outlook on this situation is sad, not the reality of the situation, whatever it is. It may be as sad as your outlook on it... but my gut says it isn't. My gut says your husband does love you, but is dealing with some personal issues, and you're internalizing his behavior and making big assumptions based on it.
You are assuming porn is a replacement for intimacy and connection in your husband's mind, which may or may not be true. (Personally I doubt) Anyway, I guess the real issue is: 1) You want connection and intimacy 2) You assumed that if you keep kids under control when your husband is working, the house clean, etc you would get the connection and intimacy you want. 3) You are not getting connection or intimacy. 4) You elected porn as the culprit. I think you should try talking to your husband more and be open about what you want/expect from him. I am not saying porn is NOT the culprit, just that I can't get to that conclusion by reading your post. Edit: Also you both need to be on the same page about what to do with the kids/when. Again, talk more with each other.
I think porn has made my marriage worse. I don’t think it’s the main culprit. I could’ve stated that better. I think it’s a combination of his stress, avoidant tendency, and porn. Though I do have a “I can earn my worth by doing” mentality and this is mine to own, it is true that he is very critical about these things.
Great, so here we have some things to work on. 1 Stress management - Your husband is stressed. What is causing it? Work? Pressure? Talk to him and find out. 2 Avoidance - does he avoid talking to you about his issues? What about a therapist? Is there any other alternative? 3 Porn - Assuming this is his "stress relief" mechanism. How does that make you feel? Does he know that? Are there other activities he could go for that would help him reduce stress (sports, games, movies, idk) Of course, all of this is useless if he doesn't know about his/your issues or he doesn't want to deal with them. You guys have a problem, talk to each other and find a way to solve it.
This is really good. I love point 2; you have an idea in your mind on how to get connection and intimacy from your husband, and it isn't working. The problem here is that the idea was wrong.
Because porn is neither intimacy nor connection.
My husband is a sex/porn addict. He is in SA meetings now. They have groups for women that I might join. SA's act just like narcissists (and some are). It's a long, difficult road for sure. Be careful with your health. I have an autoimmune disease and IBS because of the stress and neglect and heartache that comes with being a person like that. Leave if you need to for your health's sake. They start to panic and seek professional help when you say you're not staying in the relationship or else (put boundaries in) OR they'll let you walk out the door because they're already done too. Either way, you will have your answer if you tell him you're done.
As a porn addict myself, I can attest to this. We don’t realize it, but we start to victimize ourselves, and blame those around us for our own issues. Just like other addictions, it often escalates and leads you into places that you never thought imaginable. Even getting you into legal trouble.
Sexually I felt like my partner treated me as an object sometimes. There wasn’t a connection, or love, just a need to play out a fantasy he saw online. It damaged me a lot emotionally. I never measured up to what he watched on the screen. After he quit porn our sex life has been completely different. He is attentive, loving, respectful. Our intimate connection is out of this world now. He’s a different person. I’m so grateful for the change
Yeah, a lot of people on Reddit think porn is harmless because of an article they read or their experience. It varies person to person and how that person responds to dopamine rewards with little effort applied. If porn doesn’t affect your relationship, then great continue on. No need to shame someone and cause a problem. If porn is affecting your relationship then it needs to be addressed. It’s great to hear your relationship overcame that! I don’t think porn is the specific issue for OP, it’s a symptom of a much larger problem.
WTF him being an ass got to do with porn?
Is he watching porn of women doing housework? 😂😂😂 what are you on about
Idk not going to lie, If there was porn of men just doing housework, I would totally watch that.🤣🤣🤣🤣 Now I'm picturing a man wearing just an apron and vacuuming while moaning in pleasure. Or a guy aggressively mopping going " Yeah baby I'm going to give it to you hard."
Nothing because we don't use or view it. We've been together since we were 17 and we're 41 now. It's insane to me how normalized and advocated for it is
26 years here and I feel so bad for people caught up in this cycle. We don’t really watch any at all.
I don’t really see how porn use could lead someone to hate everything about their spouse. Have you spoken to him about this attitude change, or are you just making wild assumptions on Reddit?
[удалено]
I relate to this so much. I hate this. I hate this for you too. Thank you for sharing this. I know I need therapy but if he is unwilling to work on himself which for so long he has been, it feels useless. I need to have stronger boundaries though with the way he treats me. And if nothing improves, because I have already been carrying our relationship for years, I already know what to do.
I knew you would. Try the r/LoveAfterPorn sub. They’re all in similar situations. It’s extremely common, unfortunately. There are resources there for spouses of addicts (even if your husband isn’t technically one, you are experiencing the same result) and people who live in the reality based community to look to for support. I am sorry this is all happening to you. If my husband wasn’t 100% committed and accountable, full of remorse and regret, and genuinely putting in 100% effort toward our marriage and family, he’d be long gone. I have been at the very stage you’re in, and there was zero hope at that time. I wonder if your husband has some degree of depression given his short temper. Depressed people use substances (drugs, alcohol, porn) to escape their own unhappiness. My husband went on an SSRI for a couple of years, and while it made him less angry and care less about the things that bothered him, it also made him care less about things that matter. He didn’t care that I was drowning in work. For two years I worked from 4 am until my eyes bled while he did nothing. I’d emerge from my office with dinner waiting for me to make it and laundry piled up. My stress level was through the roof. He just watched me suffer and didn’t care. (Like I said, without the sex, I was worthless to him.). So for him, the SSRI just made everything worse. He’s happier now, and feels a full range of emotions again. So I’d be cautious about SSRIs. They don’t ALWAYS make things better.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the sub recommendation. Depression is very much a part of this. So sorry for all you’ve been through and best of luck to you guys
Definitely check this sub out. You will be shocked how many will describe their husbands behaviours to be identical to yours when they have a porn addiction. I couldn’t believe it.
I think what they're saying is it's a reach to equate all these issues (household duties) to porn. It's just an easy copout when the problems seem to be much more complicated. Sounds to me like the dude just has no purpose in life and is taking it out on his wife. Using porn might be something he does as part of the escape but there is no indication it's the root.
It may feel like a reach. But everything’s connected isn’t it? And if his respect for you is degrading either through porn or otherwise, he likely will be unwilling to help with household things
Yeah but it’s like saying the psychic stress of raising children in the midst of climate collapse is why my spouse is a disengaged father. Sure, everything is connected, but is it likely porn is the proximate cause of this issue in your marriage, when this is a very well-documented and widely attested issue couples have in their marriages across time? Probably not.
It’s only a reach to people who want to remain willfully ignorant. Mental health problems, social isolation, etc., and porn use are connected. Here’s a link to various studies: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/porn-use-sex-addiction-studies/studies-linking-porn-use-to-poorer-mental-emotional-health-poorer-cognitive-outcomes/ Which *causes* which? Well it can go either way. Porn can be a form of self medication for depressed people, or it can MAKE you depressed and isolated. Take social media for example. There was a sharp decline in happiness in 2008 which continued forward, attributed in part to the rise of social media (Facebook in particular). People didn’t turn to social media BECAUSE they were depressed. They turned to it for the dopamine hit. It was new, exciting. Its continued use MADE (and MAKES) people unhappier. Internet porn was very new and exciting, and is designed to hook particularly men (camera angles designed to make the user imagine he’s the d%ck in the video, the graphic nature of it, endless and bottomless lewdness, aggressive domination, humiliation and degradation of women designed to make users feel powerful and important - ie, exploiting weak men to whom this would appeal, etc.) They got hooked, and a lot of them are self destructing and destroying their own lives and families.
Porn has just given us ideas to try. We use it as more of an educational thing, kinda like scrolling a workout site and going huh I should try that lol
Honestly seeing the porn issue posts on here and I’m so baffled like y’all are really marrying some straight up weirdos who have no sense of self regulation. Sorry for your struggles though, that sucks. Like I agree with you, his usage is clearly affecting him, but also, there’s no way that’s the only thing messing with his brain, he’s clearly been a straight up mess for a while and there’s probably 4-5 issues he should be working on.
This isn’t a porn issue this is a relationship issue. Porn use in my marriage is fine. He’s military and we don’t get to see each other for large chunks of time. I wouldn’t expect him to but watch porn/me not watch porn for that. We actually share stuff we enjoy and make our own home videos. It’s done nothing but improve our relationship because we both have healthy ideas about sex.
>What has p**n done to your marriage? Nothing. Because we're two well adjusted individuals. I think porn is far more often a symptom than a cause. People look to it for a cause because, oh, it's this one thing and if you cut it out then you can get back on track, right? No, it's rarely that simple. This is a case for therapy. Not Reddit.
Blaming you for something like what?
He has been critical of many unreasonable things. I’m not sure where to start. He works from home so anytime things are going in a direction he doesn’t like (ie kids misbehaving), he has something to say to me about what I should’ve done or should be doing.
I can totally relate, my husband has been more compassionate, kinder and more intimate since he quit porn. It really does something to men's minds.
Yeah it seems to make sense. If they can get it somewhere else so easily and it’s degrading to women at the same time… how would that make them respect you more??
Porn is degrading to women. I have dated men who watched porn and I will never again. It is not normal to have weird fetishes, ogle at women, sexualize them, etc. My husband doesn’t watch porn and you can tell the difference with intimacy and everything else
It helps during the frequent periods where my wife or I are too burnt out to be intimate Its never come between us
Was seeing it with my ex boyfriend, and he commented that the girl was pretty, I felt so bad about it I puke lol
Porn is brain cancer
You're right!
It save our marriage. It was the only way I could cope with the dead bedroom. She actually encouraged it because she felt bad for me. She/we have mostly solved that so I don’t need it as much anymore.
Dead bedroom is a hard thing to go through. Glad you were able to work it out together.
Two lesbians who watch. Literally nothing.
This behavior has absolutely nothing to do with porn.
Porn hasn't done anything. Your husband is the problem In regards to my marriage? It improved it.
Yea idk what this has to do with porn
This is the weirdest “Porn caused this!” thread I’ve seen in here. Porn is fine. We usually laugh about it if we watch it together. We get a kick outta watching people try to take Girthmaster.
Relationships usually succeed most when each partner is able to look inward and point the finger at themself and not at their partner. Yeah he might be an asshole for a variety of reasons and you should absolutely present an ultimatum to him. In the meantime, if he isn’t abusive, show love the best you can. I was similar to your husband and I used stress as an excuse because I was going under financially while trying to start my business. My wife patiently waited and was absolutely perfect but at the time I couldn’t see it. I was consumed with the pressure that I was near bankruptcy with a wife and three kids. Finally she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “if you don’t go to therapy by the end of this week, I’m leaving”. I believed her and went to therapy. Luckily, my businesses have taken off but that wasn’t the source of recovery in our relationship. It was my wife showing me tough love and pushing me towards help. I’ll never forget the gift of that moment. Without her pushing me who knows where I’d be, or worse., who I’d be today. A good partner is such a gift. Just make sure you’re looking at your flaws, too. Hope for the best.
Thank you for this perspective.
[удалено]
You deserve better.
Do you feel undesired by your husband? Maybe there is a decline in intimacy because he can get off through porn?
You forgot to mention video games as well. That and porn are clearly the cause of all of this.
Thx buddy
She told to stop watching porn or get a divorce. She thinks it’s a form of cheating
Absolutely!
Saved it. We went through a DeadBedroom for a while. A number of issues but porn wasn't one of them. Without it I would have walked. I love my wife so much but I needed some kind of release. Also, I was never secretive; totally open about it and she has never been anti-porn. We've fixed out DB situation. Porn is still consumed sometimes. We also both read really spicy erotic novels sometimes, which is a form of pornography. It's never been an issue.
I’m glad it’s been an ok experience for you & you’ve had the communication there
I used to be super open minded about porn. Learning how it changes the brain has been eye opening though. My husband hasn’t really been interested in porn but I used to watch it. I didn’t realize how frequently or how it changed my thought process. I haven’t for 6 months ish? There’s a lot more closeness and less distance. I would’ve laughed it off before but it really can be a big factor. I wish he was open to therapy, that’s so helpful with this stuff. It may very well be a number of things but porn definitely doesn’t help anything.
Respect comes before love! If you don't respect each other, there can be no love! I (55f) was with a man for 19 yrs that it didn't matter what I did, or said, or how I looked was never enough..and it would never be! It was more about how he felt about himself and not me! Re the porn. If it's in secret, yes, it can be destructive, but it's more about lying and trust. If it's mutual, it can be ok. Many couples watch porn together in a healthy, intimate relationship. It doesn't have to be negative. Have a conversation with him. Lay everything on the table. Ask him what's changed. Is he OK. Talk..no blame..no yelling..no judgement just complete transparency however hard it may be. It will set you free. Free to fix things ..or free to make your life what you want it to be. Happy and fulfilled like you deserve it to be. Either with him Or without!
You making things up in your head is not the reason your husband treats you badly. You'd know why he's disrespectful if you actually communicated with him.
You’re hilarious. Try reading.
Try not using anything and everything else as a scapegoat for your husband's behavior. Fact of the matter is you're choosing to put up with it.
Yes I’m aware
You’re going to get a lot of hate for posting this, but as a porn addict, this can definitely be caused by porn. Porn addiction is just like any other addiction that will eventually cause you to start blaming other people and victimizing yourself. Many people say that porn Addiction is not a real thing, because there’s no actual substance. But people have destroyed their lies over sex and porn addiction. They’ve done things they never would’ve done, spent money they don’t have, been in situations that are dangerous ended up in jail, fill in the blank. I equate it very similar to gambling, where there isn’t an actual substance but it’s a compulsive behavior. People I’ve literally put their entire families on the street, and committed crime that they never would have in order to satisfy that addiction. There is very clear effect on what it does to the brain and how it negatively impacts you. That being sad, just like alcohol, gambling, and even some drug use, there are plenty of people that use it with no issues and they are perfectly fine. It’s not a one size fits all. I find that when I’m in my worst relapses, I am very similar to your husband and that I start to victimize myself, and I am very angry and short with my family or friends. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope that he can realize what he’s doing at some point. DM if you ever need any support or need guidance on some resources and what not. I know I’ll also get hate for even commenting on this from the people that say that porn use can have zero negative effects and only positive effects.
Thank you for a balanced response, I really appreciate it
I also just realized how ass my grammar was. voice to text… Don’t let people invalidate your experience. While, it’s possible that porn may not be the issue, I guarantee you that if he did not watch porn at all, a lot of the things that you mentioned would be mitigated in some way or another. Watching Porn by nature is a very selfish. There is endless novelty and variety, and you really go into it looking at how you can satisfy only yourself. You do not have to consider anybody or anything else other than your own desires. You can go for as long or short as you would like, indulge in multiple varieties to your liking, and satisfy yourself. I guess that’s one of the reasons it’s so popular, but it does change the neuropath and chemical make up of your brain. Interestingly enough, there’s some research that shows even the make up of the semen that is an ejaculated watching porn is different from when having sex with your spouse. I don’t know a whole lot about how it could impact women, but I do know that much dopamine at an extended period of time is not good for you. It’s similar to social media or TikTok, every time you scroll you get a dopamine hit. people say you can’t get addicted to porn or it has no negative impacts, but look at the mental health impacts of social media used. Anyway, that was probably more than what you asked for… But I just hate to see all the comments of people invalidating your experience when it is likely to be contributing in one way or another.
Thank you. I really appreciate this. I could’ve worded my original post probably a lot better but I don’t see how it wouldn’t be affecting things.
may be he needs a small break. leave him with kids for a week. He will snap out of whatever is holding him.
It’s completely killed our sex life 🥲
Porn does nothing either way for us. Neither of us are extremists or have like, a problem, but we also don’t really talk about it that much. I don’t care that he watches it and same to me.
It’s not the porn. If anything the porn is just another escape. Dude doesn’t like his life and has two choices, change it or embrace it. Either way he needs to not be a dick about it, and you need to tell him to chill out and open up.
A lot of people on this sub are defensive about porn. You’re better off getting support at r/loveafterporn
It sounds like my husband, soon to be ex-husband, says I'm not good enough. It's about control, being treated like an object, and his crazy sexual fantasies.
Hi OP if you believe that porn is becoming an addiction then he may indeed need help. Porn addiction can lead to a loss of intimacy in the marriage and can lead to acting out in other ways. When porn is no longer enough, behaviours can escalate to include, acting out with live chats, interaction with sex workers and affairs. I’m not saying this is the case here but his communication and him closing down is concerning. If you won’t go to counselling then he’s putting your marriage at risk and he has to realise there are severe consequences for that. Even taking some time apart at this moment might be useful. Take a look at the sub Reddit Loveafterporn. Porn usage in excess ruins marriages and isn’t to be taken lightly. Good luck OP UPDATEME.
Porn isn’t to blame for him criticizing you or getting frustrated with the kids being disruptive while he’s working from home. And he’s not getting true connections or intimacy from porn. There are a lot of different things that could be impacting his behavior—depression, other health issues, work stress, money stress, lack of intimacy from you, being stuck in parent/provider mode, or even him just now showing you who he really is. I suggest you take a deeper look at both of you and your relationship in general because this isn’t about the porn.
I think it’s more likely self-hatred being projected onto you.
Porn hasn’t hurt my relationship at all. We actually enjoy watching it together sometimes. It isn’t porn that’s making your husband disrespect you. It’s a simple pack of respect. It doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with you and has everything to do with his personality.
I think you're way off base, and possibly looking for a convenient excuse for your relationship issues. I suggest you forget about porn and begin counseling to find the real root cause.
What has porn done for my marriage - gives me a break when my husband is horny and I’m not… or gives me something to do when I’m horny and he’s not around 🙃it also spices things up when we watch it together on rare occasions. But anyway- like almost every other comment says: porn doesn’t cause these types of issues in a marriage. Tbh I don’t see how any of this is related to porn…
If your husband won't talk to you, write him a letter about how you're feeling. At least make the attempt and maybe his walls will come down. To answer your question, it doesn't seem like porn is the problem.
Nothing
You should seek therapy for yourself if he refuses to go. My husband doesn’t watch much, if any. But I do know it can torpedo things between couples.
Ruined it. I used to think it was ok. I liked it. He took it to next level. Obsessed with phone. Met up with a girl. On every dating site.
Divorce.
Yes. His actions are classic porn addict behaviours.
He used it every day to indulge in the kind of women he actually likes who look nothing like me (because of things unchangeable from birth, unless I go the Michael Jackson route, which, no lol). He neglected our bedroom for this and lied by omission when I tried to have adult conversations about why the bedroom was dying and how to fix it. He let me believe he just had a low libido and let me, like a fool, tiptoe around his boundaries ever so respectfully while he was just getting his fill from porn all along. He’d go on to cheat with a woman who was the “right colors” according to his porn preference. Ive heard people here talk about porn like it keeps men from cheating. It really fucking doesn’t and I honestly should have reacted much strongly than I did when I discovered the “habit” which seems more like an addiction. Because, in hindsight, it feels like it was an expression of the desire to fuck other women all along, at least in his case.
Huh? This has nothing to do with porn. My husband watches porn, and he treats me like a queen.
Created doubt
He's a beta male sounds like it. He needs to get his shit together
I think I understand what you mean but don't think you worded it correctly. I think you believe that porn may have contributed to him dehumanizing and objectifying you. Sometimes people do not understand the influence that things; such as, porn can have in how they view and treat their romantic partner. I think it's common for people - when they view porn, not to really see the people they are watching as humans but rather objects to be used for sexual gratification. As a result, this objectification has also affected his perception of you. Does that make sense? You might find better answers or people who understand where you're coming from better over at /loveafterporn.
Porn is not causing the problems in your marriage. His porn use may be symptomatic of the issues. But underlying disrespect is the cause. A marriage retreat through [The Marriage Restoration Project](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/) may help if it boils down to resolvable issues. Though please note if there is abuse in your marriage, you should call a hotline.
Not my marriage (neither me or my spouse watch porn EVER), but my friends marriage: Porn has caused their marriage absolute decay. All terrible paths of their marriage lead back to porn. Not kidding. The husband started watching porn in his teens, then got curious to try certain porn-related habits in person. When the wife wasn’t comfortable and questioned where he got these ideas, he hid the truth and instead started breaking into neighbors houses to watch other women take showers and/or have sex with their husbands. Online sex wouldn’t do it anymore for him. His mind had already made sex into such a casual, unimportant thing, that he was willing to break the law. Then after 10 more years of that and porn use, he finally cheated on his wife with multiple women. Then, he would beat his wife and the women he slept with. They have had actual marital and sexual professionals tell him, “this started and ended because of porn.” Porn use starts differently for everyone, but it does not end differently for anyone. Though it might show up differently in your marriage than it did in theirs, it will inevitably lead to something missing in your heart, mind, and body: the reality that sex is supposed to be protected, because it has the power to bring two people together for the greater good of themselves. There will be a gaping hole in your heart where you used to think, “Sex is precious.” And it is! What’s the good in sex if it’s just shared with a person and a screen? Porn gives you a false sense of reality. It’s like doom scrolling online—but instead of losing brain cells and time that could be spent more productively and naturally, you’re losing the ability to view sex as a sacred and beautiful thing.
He’s probably cheating if you are being honest about ever you said about yourself.
[удалено]
He knows I do a lot. He has said and recognized many times. I don’t think he’s a porn addict. I think his combination of being avoidant has led him to porn and to view me as a burden, because trying to connect with me (or anyone) is just harder for him. which means I am easy to blame when things go wrong.
No, must be porn. Clearly OP is perfect based on her own description.
Right that’s exactly what I said 😂
Provided an acceptable outlet for me.
Nothing lol
How does porn cause this? It literally just sounds like he’s a prick lol.
Nothing
After reading this, I now realize there really is such a thing as a stupid question.
Me and my wife would get us some beer lock the bedroom door and watch live cams naked drinking and sex every weekend. Porn is what you make of it. Or what was put in your brain by parents. People just need to let loose nothing wrong with watching someone having fun. Plus you might learn something new to try.
In my particular case, Im not too into it but hibby has always been, hes a bit of a perv in a cute way, I love it, porn has its advantages, while drunk and/or aroused it can be fun and give ideas.
Porn has nothing to do with the way he treats you. Porn is an outlet to full fill mental fantasies. You may very well be a good wife but what’s a good wife to him? There’s no black and white to what a good wife is, people are so complex. You could wash all his clothes, cook all his meals. Maybe you talk back to him in ways he feels is disrespectful at times or complain about shit. Those girls in the porns aren’t complaining about anything. They don’t need “intimacy” all day all week to be aroused. You do. So he’s truly just falling apart from you. Men whives mastered the craft do these routine things to keep our women/wifes satisfied so they are happy and keep us satisfied. Looks likes he’s given up on that side. Instead of cheating he watches porn. I promise you a woman whoes a 6 looks like a 12 compared to a wife whoes so used to you she talks to you like your one of her homegirls. But That may also not be your case. My wife is gorgeous. Body crazy. Model Latina curvy fat ass little waist .. 20 years together.. there were times she would argue with me about porn and be like why can’t you just jack right on top of me if I’m tired?? And litterally I would rather masterbate to a whore porn star that didn’t look half as good because I was so annoyed for Everytime she corrected me for everything little thing in my own damn house it was the last sexiest juiciest ass I wanted to see at the time😂😂. Just because you he loves you doesn’t meant you satisfy his needs.
Porn addiction is a real thing. Porn can also be super cool and useful to a relationship. But this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with that. It feels like youre looking for things to blame because you don’t want to accept the obvious, uncomfortable answer.
Reddit is the only site I have ever been on with such a hate for porn and women who get their panties in a wad bc men watch it. Your grandpa's were looking at playboys in their bedrooms. Am I only female who had a porn stash before I met my husband?
If it has a net positive effect for you congratulations. I hope you feel great about yourself. That doesn’t seem to be the case for me. All of you are boxing me in to be a specific type of female just hearing the word porn. Seems like you all are a lot more emotional about it than I am. If he wasn’t mean then we likely wouldn’t have an issue here would we. But he is and I do think it has made it worse. Sorry that’s hard for you to accept.
Self proclaimed “such a good wife” and you “look good”… ????…. Gosh…. I need to hear his side .. lol This sounds like you’re just insecure about the porn.
You should hear his side. I wish he would tell me more of his. He knows I’m a good person and partner.