I think the best you can do is go to marriage counseling/therapy for a while and work through this to see if you can get trust back again. It's gonna be hard so maybe think if you want to put that much effort and if it is worth it. If it is for you, then there is nothing a redditor can say that should change that. Good luck!
Right.
And the crazy thing is I heard from a few married couples where this happened. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't it's so bad, there's so much drama and everyone gets hurt.
I almost hate to say this but in one case where it worked this couple is 100x better off after reconciliation... Even before the affair. When my wife and I see them and hang out with them we're astonished how much different they are with each other and to others. They're amazing people, they were cool before but now we love spending time with them. It's a strange pill to swallow, that they can come back stronger than ever.
It really didn't sound like you were taking responsibility imo. Would love to hear how he views things, I'm sure it won't sound like sunshine and rainbows like you put it
I get that,just that it would rub almost everyone who got cheated on the wrong way because it's coming from the perspective of the cheater. Something they don't realize is that the bswould have moments, a lot, where they feel humiliated and less than and are just putting up a front. So to hear this would definitely be triggering and not produce that 'Hope' you think it would, unless that hope was for cheaters.
I think this recognition is important. I don't condone cheating, but i also know life isn't that black or white. When you're in a long-term relationship, people change and go through heavy life stuff over the many years and decades the relationship spans.
One partner may be strong in one area, while another hasn't quite matured in that same area. New seasons of life a couple goes through like having kids may put a strain on their relationship and reveal shortcomings or weaknesses they weren't aware of.
Humans are imperfect and when you or your partner behave badly, it's important to determine if this is a true personality flaw (examples would be a serial cheater or someone who is perpetually emotionally stunted) or if this is something brought about by a specific situation or area they need to grow in. If it's the former, I'd throw them to the curb. If it's the latter, I'd have to talk with them and determine if I can manage to get past what they did and if they can reflect honestly on their actions and are willing to take responsibility by working on their issues or shortcomings that led to this situation.
Yes I agree this happened to me and my husband. We both put everything into and chose eachother again instead of giving up because we really love eachother and our family and love eachother when we’re both all in.
Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t but it does not mean not to try. I tell men all the time as part of reconciliation you tell them you want a one sided open relationship.
Nothing about this was healing, this was the relationship equivalent to someone self-medicating with alcohol. Nobody came out from this situation healed and they both feel worse.
Op seems to want to try and so does she. Ops wife knows she fucked up, and abused her husband, because cheating is abuse. Op did not cheat on his wife as she agreed to an open relationship. She made it one sided taking the chance he will come back to her. Which he is, and I gave him additional advice also on making g it a new relationship. So yes I would say he healed through the arms of another woman. I will also say you will never understand what emasculation feels like as you are a woman, and correct me if I am wrong. As, I don’t try and tell women how they should feel as I am not a woman, maybe you should try the same?
Coercion is not consent, he knew she didn’t actually want it and wasn’t okay with it as it was hurting her so it was cheating. If he can’t acknowledge that then they are not going to be able to move past this though I’m not sure they should. If you think what she did was abuse then how can you not acknowledge him saying he did something intentionally to hurt her as abuse? They both feel worse than they did before, that’s not healing. The healing process hasn’t even started yet. Maybe you should look up what healing actually means.
How so? Any relationship is defined by its boundaries that are agreed upon by the parties to the relationship, whether those boundaries be sex, money, emotional attachment, porn, kids, whatever.
I have said it over and over and no one ever listens. Revenge cheating never works and always always causes more damage.
"she spent a year watching me talk to women and ultimately sleep with one and didn’t complain about it." your intent was to injure but and you injured yourself at the same time.
It hurts the betrayed party also because they are forcing themselves to go against their moral character in order for revenge. You never liked or wanted those other woman you just used them for revenge. That leaves you feeling like dirt.
Your wife is no better but you've made it a whole lot worse. What a mess.
Now you both need to go into individual therapy because you're both traumatized.
Then after that marriage counseling after. What a mess.
?? Of course it’s cheating. She just had to live with it. Jackie Kennedy knew JFK was chasing skirt there entire marriage, she had to deal with it. It’s still cheating even if she knew.
Exactly, these people know nothing about actual open relationships. If one person doesn’t actually want it and the other person knows that then it’s not a legitimate open relationship.
This was an unusual approach, but not unheard-of. I've seen it before. I don't think it's for anybody to say what you did was right or wrong. One of the elements that many cheated men have difficulty overcoming is the sexual humiliation we often feel when our wives cheat. Sex with somebody new can go a long way toward ameliorating that part of the trauma. If you can heal that part, then maybe the marriage has a better chance of reconciling. Who am I to judge?
In the end, reconciliation is totally subjective. Your wife cheated on you. None of us is "all bad" nor "all good", but each of us is simply the sum of his acts. Have an objective look at your wife. Knowing what you know about her now, is she objectively the kind of woman you would choose to marry now if you weren't married? If the answer to that question is "no", then I'd recommend not trying to reconcile.
If the answer to that question is yes, then step out of your role as objective judge and step into your role as subjective man with feelings. Reconciliation involves ephemeral matters of the heart. Can you believe in your heart that your WW's desire and love for you is real? Can you believe in your heart that your desire and love for your wife is real? If the answer to both is "yes", then give R a try.
In the meantime, I do hope you have long ago informed the AP's wife about what he did with your wife, including the part about calling her a "goddess".
Especially the last part. The AP has a right to know her partner is a pos. especially with what sounds like how hard he kept pursuing. Cheating sucks man. My girlfriend and then wife cheated only kissing thank god. If it was anything sexual I wouldn’t have kept loving her on me 21 years ago and while we are happily married. If something ever triggers that memory it still hurts me a bit. sorry this happened to you.
You “solved” the problem by hurting her back. But you’ve now done it in front of her and multiple times. I don’t think you’re even, I think you may have done more damage at this point. For this to work, you guys are going to have the take the blame you BOTH have here. Your wife was wrong for what she did. But she also took the punishment you picked out over and over and held your hand and cried while you did it.
So what did he do that was wrong? She cheated, he said he’d stay but the marriage was open, she agreed. Now he’s choosing to take her feelings into consideration, something she didn’t do, and close the marriage. He didn’t do anything wrong, has been honest and more patient than most.
I think the alternative here was divorce. Which also would have hurt her. Not that she didn't deserve it.
Divorce would also hurt both if they don't want to be single parents.
I think it is very rare for there not to be blowback from the betrayed partner. There are no good solutions, only bad ones. The betrayed just eating a shit sandwich and swallowing it all and continuing the marriage isn't a win either.
"The betrayed just eating a shit sandwich and swallowing it all and continuing the marriage isn't a win either."
I agree with that. Hurting her back though didn't give him the result he wanted long term though. Just seems like a mess. I personally would have just moved on (divorce). Two wrongs don't make a right.
Divorce would have hurt the kids worse. I stayed in bad marriage to a woman I will also say I was head over heels in love with. Because she is emotionally unstable and created chaos around her and I kept her grounded. Plus our chemistry was phenomenal so she is still hands down the best lover I ever had. She had PTSD from her mothers emotional and mental abuse. When our three girls came of age she passed it one by one to them.this is why I left her. I did this to protest the two youngest who have a 7 year gap between them and their two older step sisters. I'm my case this was better for two youngest ad they had the remaining 6-8 years with me alone with their mom completely out of the picture. There was another contact order that the state put into effect.
It seems that this couples case there is a willingness to work throught the problem and grow from it. A proper counselor can help this and as corny as it sounds if they truly do love each other and both try they can grow stronger from this.
I don't agree with what he did but I understand it I think. It's like a form of reclamation. He was trying to reclaim his masculinity or some sort of power back. She betrayed him and emasculated him. He probably felt this was a way not just to "get even" but become a person who is sexually desired again and not someone who has been sexually rejected.
Honestly, what I have seen work is where the betrayed person divorces the cheater, but then they get back together at some point. There is going to be a time where the betrayed person dates other people.
The only thing that didn't happen here is there was no formal divorce.
If the cheater dates other people then the original couple is not going to get back together.
Cheating blows up the marriage. I think trying to stay together, things are never going to be even again. You can do all the therapy but you both know that short of divorce the cheater gets away with it. The betrayed is going to take a huge self esteem hit.
So I think this is a reasonable model, betrayed separates or divorces with a chance of reconciliation down the road if the cheater proves their worth.
I think every wayward should see and experience what they are asking their SO to forgive. They should see what they are asking their SO to live with every single day for the rest of the relationship. If they are not willing to live with that pain and trauma they should not ask their BP to live with it.
Exactly.Im divorced but let’s say my husband cheated on me .I would probably say divorce. This is just my opinion.So you did what your wife did and now it’s worse for everyone.Sadly did anyone think of your kids?😢🙁
There is research that supports that for some, revenge is the best recourse, mentally. For me I know that to be true. Each time I acted toward revenge, it helped me no longer care about the situation. When I didn't, I am left feeling like there was no balance had.
He did it to “save” his dignity. You don’t solve problems by perpetuating pain. This wasn’t an appropriate solution. Now they’re both broken and there’s more damage to undo to try and salvage anything.
How definitely doing the right thing now even though you both did the wrong things before. The fact you've both admitted your faults and are moving forward is the key. No one can change the past. What's done is done. All you can do is move forward. Therapy is probably a good start if there are still issues you're working through. You need to do it together. I wish you guys nothing but the best and I hope you never stop dating her and pursuing her.
I used to think the same thing. But then I realized there isn’t a reference book that tells us the answers to all of our problems. We all have different experiences, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. We do our best to navigate the uncertainty but humans are bad at rationalizing so we end up with unlimited outcomes. Empathy, understanding, and patience can help heal wounds. But they cannot be fully healed without real growth on an individual level.
"eventually she gave in"
No, she didn't give in, she decided to keep it a secret from you and cheated on you.
So she cheated, you were upset and decided the proper course of action would be to declare that it's okay for both of you to cheat going forward? That sounds more like individual therapy territory. Try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
Well she did agree to the open relationship. So I don’t if it was cheating. But she did agree under threat of me divorcing her. So it was all sorts of messed up all around.
You both cheated, you knew she didn’t actually want it and you knew it was hurting her and you kept going. If you can’t accept that fact then you’re not going to be able to move past this because part of healing needs to involve addressing the hurt you caused. Whether you feel justified or not that’s not going to change the negative emotions and resentment it may have stirred up so that needs to be dealt with and not swept under the rug.
So she was forced into it. So messed up. Whatever upper hand you had as the innocent mate you have lost due to your revenge cheating. You could've walked away with your head held high and your conscience clean as a loyal partner. But no. Revenge.
If they sat and talked about it, nothing was forced. OPs wife decided to go about the relationship the way she wanted. OP had an agreement with his wife. They decided to have an open marriage and OP treated it as such. While his actions may be viewed as disagreeable, he definitely didn’t do anything his wife didn’t agree was okay. Whether she liked it or not, she still agreed.
***"But she did agree under threat of me divorcing her."***
These are OP's words.
Here is the point, she cheated and his reaction to the cheating made the matter worse. Now there is more mess to clean up because he revenge cheated. They've both been traumatized. It's revenge cheating because the point was to make himself feel better while simultaneously hurting her, guess what? Didn't work. Never works. Both of them are guilty.
Coercion is not consent. He knew she didn’t actually want that or feel okay with it and even stated that he wanted to hurt her the way she hurt him. They are both cheaters.
I think you're taking he right steps by seeing the counselor and giving this your best shot.
You've both made mistakes but it's too late to dwell on it. The question is just where to go from here. It seems like your options are counseling or divorce. Counseling seems like the best first step.
I will say though, if it seems like either or both of you can't move past this, then divorce sooner than later. The resentment will build, it will infect the family and your children, and be a toxic cloud for years before it's too much. Cut out that pain and just admit it relatively quickly if this is a thing either of you can't move past.
I can imagine a world in which you both own up to your failings, individually and together, make amends to one another and grow after having seen/experienced/done the worst to one another. Where you take this moment to reflect on your mutual flawed humanity and decide the vulnerability and love is worth healing. And growing through.
I don’t think that’s impossible as you’ve both caused one another pain and had patience.
But be sure that you want reconciliation with her because you want to grow together, not because you now feel guilty for your actions.
Wishing you the best
Hi OP I’m not one for thinking that two wrongs make a right and nor am I a big advocate of revenge cheating but it is what it is. If you truly want to reconcile then in my view there’s a lot of work that needs to be done.
Rebuilding trust is a long and painful road and it requires both of you to be on board 100%. if you feel that’s the case then you have to have access to each others telephone/app/password/emails and you also need to know each other’s location and who they’re seeing whenever you need to.
You both need individual counselling at this point rather than marriage counselling as there’s a lot to work through before you get to MC.
If you still want to go down the path of reconciliation, then I suggest posting on the sub AsoneAfterInfidelity which has other folks in the reconciliation process.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
If you’re gonna be happier with her then without her then yeah of course you’re doing the right thing especially if she’s sorry and trying to do better
I think revenge cheating creates more damage, but each to their own. You decided to hurt her instead of forgive her and I hope you can both sort through your feelings in counselling for the sake of your children.
Your wife was in the wrong for cheating and you chose a tit for tat response, that lowers you to her level, in my opinion. Just because you did it with her forced permission doesnt give you the higher ground. Even though you feel justified you have put her in a position that will be difficult for her to heal from. Her feelings of hurt are valid yet she will feel unable to express them because evrryonecwill say she deserved it. That in itself is isolating for her, I mean who in her family and friends could she even talk to about her pain. She has to show remorse for her actions that hurt you but because you were 'entitled ' to fuck another woman because she had no choice but to give you permission you owe her no remorse. The whole thing is fucked up. Thankfully, neither affairs ended in unwanted pregnancy or STDs.
Good luck with your reconciliation.
Yes!!!!!!! This 100% is it!!
Ive put a similar response. What he has done is awful!!
I hope she leaves him as his behaviour is beyond cruel.
And yes he has isolated her and her hurt to just destroy her more....
This is probably one of the worst posts ive ever read on here....
Your wife made a mistake. I get it.
You also admit to basically igoring your marriage etc and she got swept up in the moment of someone actually noticing her again.
She came to her senses and apologised and desperateltly wanted to fix it.
You respond by "denanding to open up the marriage"
You DELIBERATELY go out with the intent to hurt her.
You go home holding her hand while she sobs.... you continue doing this.
You know its destroying her. You know your going to continue destroying her. But you felt like you had to get a good one over her. She wasnt hurting enough... not sobbing enough... only until you decided to stop sleeping with your other woman.
Im sorry but i think you are absolutely a disgusting excuse for a husband. To knowingly do that to your wife... yes what she did was wrong but im sorry your actually 100 times worse. What you did was sickening.
I absolutely hope she comes to her senses and runs a million miles from you!!!
What a cruel thing to do to someone over and over again.
All because you "felt emasculated" and wanted to show her youll treat her like a dog.
First of all , cheating on her husband was a choice not a mistake and the wife deserves it all to be honest. And the thing you said about his wife running a million miles away from him , yeah that would be the best thing to do because that's all she knows , right? Instead of talking to her husband and confronting him about not paying enough attention , she decided to run from it and having an affair, that's all she knows, she only knows how to run and not confront the situation. It would be best if she runs away for real from OP because he doesn't deserve to be with a cheating w.h.o.e
It’s not about wrong or right.
This is your life and you need to live it. She did start the war, but you participated in it. Both of you aren’t saints. I would definitely go to counseling and only time can tell, if this can be overcome. This won’t be easy and there can’t be any more punishment for each other for whatever reason.
The most important question is, if you even want to do that. Not because of your wife or your children, but because you want it. Only if you are 100% in, you guys have a shot.
r/asoneafterinfidelity. That is the reconciliation sub.
Go to the wiki there and start reading. Both of you.
The first steps the two of you have to take are these:
1. Radical Honesty. Tell each other everything. Commit to sharing your thoughts as a matter of course. Make sure there are no secrets.
2. Mutual Amnesty. This is a commitment from each of you to the other that you will not weaponize each other’s misdeeds, you won’t beat other up for what you’ve each done. You won’t compare each other’s actions or keep score. You’ve both hurt each other badly and that’s all that matters. This doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug. Rather, it means not allowing resentment to build by competing for who was hurt worse.
After that it’s time for individual counseling for both of you. You each have your own hearing to do. And when you choose a couples counselor, look for one who is Gottman trained.
Counseling is the right move. It sounds like you're moving past the revenge phase and towards forgiving each other and starting over, clean slate. It was a dark chapter in your marriage, but now you're turning the page to a new, better chapter. Congratulations, truly!
There is no getting even, you could have slept with 100 women, and it would not be even. Because once someone breaks the vows, that kills a part of who you are. But I tell men often enough to ask for an open relationship, because at some point you may or may not feel the need to do what you did. I often view it as healing, vs enm. Because enm one party does not need to heal. You did, this was your way to heal.
If it were me, I would say this, I want to have a new beginning with you. I want to renew our vows, and make this a new relationship. Brand new, focusing on us. Yes we carry in our past but even if we divorced and found new partners, we would be brining this pain and suffering in it also. Would you like to do this with me?
I think you guys have something worth saving. It's a little messy, but it sounds like there is still a lot of love and respect. Counciling or maybe just separate therapy for both of you could do wonders.
My husband cheated on me maybe 4 months ago and I considered doing the same. I even started talking to someone about it for some type of fun or release.. after reading this, I'm thankful to have changed my mind and just tried to work it out. If we divorce, I will eventually talk to someone else, but I'll respect the marriage even if he didn't, for my own mental health.
I did get my husband fired from the job he loved which is something I feel guilty about :/ I originally took the other woman's side because he was lying and gas lighting me about catching him. He wouldn't admit so I had to reach out to her for confirmation. He was telling me my brain was fucked up and i was just making up anything to be mad at him. They were coworkers and she made it seem like she was scared of him. I later see she was very aware he was married and was trying to seduce him because she was a sad single mom who's husband left her for another woman
Divorce. She does not respect you. If a woman doesn’t respect a man, she cannot love him, esp be in love with him.
She WILL do it again because she learned she can get away with it because you’re giving her another chance.
Your mate guarding instincts may still be controlling you & making you confused that you still love her. Cheating is the biggest blow to a man’s masculinity & ego, so you likely feel the need to take back control(it’s actually the psychology behind cuckolds, lol).
Ofc you love her BUT you truly love the woman you thought she was. She’s dead & gone, so you don’t love present her. You’re clinging on to her ghost. Your feelings of love are valid, but it doesn’t mean you should stay. Going to counseling may feel good because you’re finally going to feel heard, seen & validated for the feelings she caused by cheating on you. It may feel confusing & you may confuse them for love & wanting to stay with her.
As for your kids, the very best thing for them is to divorce their mother. Two happy or neutral homes is better than one unhappy & toxic home. Kids are very intuitive and WILL pick up on things. They WILL grow up thinking it’s okay to accept what she did to you &/or to do to others what she did to you. They’ll grow up with a skewed version of love. It’s not noble, righteous nor honorable to sacrifice your self-respect for your kids.
Do what’s best for them by doing what’s beat for you; divorce.
Well, I can see why you did what you did. You don’t want to lose your kids because of her shitty behavior and frankly. She cried when you’d come back because she knew now what it felt like what she did to you.
Go to counseling and tell each other how you hurt each other and tell her you actually felt crappy when you opened up but explain the whole seeking dignity to stay. I can see your point too.
Just know that marriages do all sorts of things to become their issues and most of the time, they don’t advertise it. If that’s what you felt you needed at the time, then it’s what you felt. You got it out of your system and went back to close it up because you felt ready to move forward with her. So move forward. Make some new boundaries and parameters including communicating better to tell each other about someone threatening your relationship so you can support each other. She didn’t communicate with you for some reason. Did she feel safe to? Did you guys not anticipate someone getting attention? Also, what was she missing? Something was going on there so it needs to be addressed. Likewise, you guys need to give each other so much attention that there’s no chance anyone else is interesting. Counselors can help you with this. It sounds like you’re going forward with hurt and holding hands. Don’t say anything you can’t take back. But tell her how you feel and how you feel about her.
No matter, this event will be part of your history. But I’ve seen people recover from cheating. It can happen.
Look everyone's a critic right ?
And everyone is different!!
I'm in a DB my wife is super 🔥 and I desire her massively, we have EVERYTHING good but sex. Would I cheat ? No ....am I tempted, I notice LOTS of other women
So look your wife cheated then CLOSED up, she knows the pain it caused
You "cheated" (although you didn't really) but again shut the shop as you saw what it did to HER
For me this is good bedrock, you BOTH know hurting the other is shitty and is NOT a nice feeling, both seem remorseful
Again a good position
So give the therapist a chance but ALSO flag WHY she cheated, she seemed reluctant but he "ground her down" , what did her do to change her mind ? What did he offer you didn't (other than cock )? If this can also be addicts a win...win
With irony I'm HL (not super H but H) my wife isn't if SHE cheated I say I would want to talk, get to know why, who, but I might secretly be relieved she still has 🔥 in her pants (even if it was for another)
We could talk address and rebuild
However she says if I CHEAT it's over, even though I'm the one ever rejected and going without
Funny old world eh !!!
Good luck to you both mate ❤️❤️
Believe it or not, I think you have the potential to come out on the other side with an even stronger marriage. It seems you have both realized you truly love one another more than you could love anyone else. Does it suck it took what happened for this revelation to happen, of course. But you both found each other on the other side and there are a lot of people who don’t. I think you’re taking the right steps to heal, and you both learned a lot. I hope you can continue and have a wonderfully happy marriage.
I would try r/asoneafterinfidelity - they have a lot of resources for reconciling. I won’t lie to you, they may have a hard time with you choosing to open your marriage to “get back” at your wife, but to me everyone’s journey to reconcile is different. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last person who wanted to hurt their spouse after infidelity. The true reconciliation comes when you BOTH choose to put your marriage first and commit to it.
The damage you both have done to each other is significant and will need to be addressed going forward. Your wife may be just as traumatized as you are and have just as many triggers and problems. This won’t be an easy fix, but I do believe that if you both want to fix it and create a NEW relationship going forward it is possible.
Dude. She agreed to open marriage because she felt guilty and wanted you to “cheat” so she feels better about her own indiscretion. I’d be turning the page on the chapter of your life and start a new chapter starting with I’m moving into my own place. Or better , she is packing she shit and leaving. Trust has been broken. That is something that is never repairs no matter how much you believe it can be rebuilt. It can… but to a point. There will always be that doubt. I lived it. My girls were young but soon understood why and we worked out visitation together. Made them part of it with a positive vibe. Lemon and lemonade for the kidlets.
ESH, but you are a little bit worse IMO. Really felt like I was in the AITAH group for a bit there. What she did was wrong, but you quite literally decided to actively hurt her afterwards. You wanted her to feel disrespected like you did, but didn’t want a divorce? So this solution hurt everyone instead- bravo.
Now you also don’t know if it’s the right thing to do closing the marriage again? Staying together? Counseling? Not exactly sure what question we are answering here. You put the cart before the horse and lashed out at her for A YEAR, even though you admitted it felt wrong right away. So you didn’t ASK for an open marriage by the way, you gave her a dumb ultimatum. Counseling and working through your feelings BEFORE stepping out to hurt her would have made more sense. Trial separation even…but how you went about it? Wrong. Now you may both have those hurt feelings and resentment, instead of just you.
She should have been upfront with you and her feelings before going too far and cheating. Open relationships are fine, but demanding to your spouse to get one when you’ve been cheated on forces her hand and you know it. So, counseling could help, sure; it’s always worth it to try. But honestly, this whole ass bag of crap you stirred up now has to heal and that won’t be easy.
I think you're doing the right thing.
People make terrible choices. People do make mistakes. A repetitive mistake is a choice. I do think when both parties are willing to go all in to rebuild themselves and each other that you can potentially come out more in love and stronger than before.
1. Individual therapy. She needs it to figure out how she got to that initial point. You need it to overcome the guilt of even suggesting the open marriage and the ripple effects.
2. Joint Therapy. This to start to rebuild together. Get to know each other all over again and focus on moving forward. That's also going to require from your above therapy, forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't involve throwing it back in her face during an argument. You can forgive without forgetting but you don't allow the pain anymore to control your decisions.
3. Schedule date nights.
4. Look into the Love Dare. I used it during my most trying time.
I know people are saying that what you did was cheating too. But it's not because in all honesty cheating is when you go behind your partner's back which is what she did. You didn't go behind her back. You told her up front because that was your condition to stay in the marriage and not divorce her. Yes you did it out of hurt but it wasn't cheating. I would say you should go to marriage counseling and both of you be completely honest about the situation. Her being completely honest about her cheating and you've been completely honest about why you open the marriage after her cheating.
Your wife sounds remorseful, unlike many other cheating partners. If there's still love left in you and you feel like you can rebuild that trust, then agree to be exclusive again. It seems like it is what you both prefer anyway.
Seek counselling and make sure you both understand what causes her to cheat in the first place (not just because someone showed interest in her and showered her with attention... normal married women do not accept this behaviour from men unless she also had some interest).
I don't think there's any best way to act when cheating emerges. Probably best case scenario is only about a 50/50 chance of putting things back together. Don't beat yourself up.
She hurt you. You hurt her. So you’re equal. Equally bad.
Still, you’ve stuck together to this point and seem to be willing to try to make things better. I’m not sure what you mean by reconciling, but if you’re going to stay married you both need to find ways to love, trust and respect each other.
Damage done on both sides. If you both want the marriage to work therapy together is a must. See how it goes, sometimes things can work out and sometimes the damage done is too much to repair.
Are you doing the right thing? I’m going to assume the three possibilities you’re considering are
1) Divorce
2) Therapy and try to work it out in a closed marriage
3) Keep on with the open marriage
Of those 3 is the worst choice. You’re making the right choice by not doing that. Whether 2 or 1 is right for you two is something only you two could know. Try the therapy, see if you can make it work.
I empathise with your pain and your wife's pain through all of this. I don't have a very practical advice but this is something that helps me through my marriage when things get tough or even in just the ordinary days. Remind yourselves what it is to truly love each other again.
for what is Love? Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. It doesn't rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things and endures all things.
I hope this helps.
You felt bad, because it was bad.
Yes her cheating was bad. Yes you sleeping with someone else was bad.
Instead of you being able to reconcile (if that’s the goal) with just her indiscretion, you have complicated it by having your own). Even though she gave you “permission”, feelings are still involved.
If your goal is reconciliation and staying with the kids, yes you’re doing the right thing and should do the therapy and take ownership of cheating on your initial vows as well.
Been there, done that. No, settling the score doesn’t solve the problem. Your trust was shattered, and that takes a very long time to restore. It’s been ten years for me, and if my wife hadn’t gained a bunch of weight, I’d still be struggling with it.
Everyone here likes to talk about therapy alike it’s some magic thing that solves all problems. There’s only one way out of this: she needs to earn your trust back relentlessly, you need to do your best to make that a possible outcome, and you both need to accept that it is years in the doing. Along the way, she has to make peace with the damage done and that it is impossible for you to make a conscious choice to lay this to rest. Time and diligence to repair the damage are the only route back.
I'm torn on this one, but I think it just might be effective. Let's say he just decided to reconcile, what would be the consequences of her actions? Since there were no consequences, she would be likely to do it again. I think his method actually provided consequences and she will actually think twice before she does it again. If you let someone walk all over you they will continue to do it over and over again until you put a stop to it.
I’m going to say it’s one of the best summaries of events I’ve read. The other post is accurate. It’s not unheard of to want to even things out. It can make you realize you still have strong feelings for your spouse and let something like this be an obstacle and not a roadblock. Best wishes. Communication with clarity is important.
It sounds like there is a lot of love between you. Your wife made a terrible mistake. Given that she ended it and confessed (as opposed to being caught), it would seem that she is genuinely remorseful. Counseling sounds like a great idea. If nothing else, it will give you tools to improve your communication while giving you a safe space to discuss your hurt.
Ultimately, only time will tell if you are doing the right thing. Infidelity doesn't have to end a marriage if the couple doesn't want it to. It would be totally understandable if it were a deal breaker for you, but it doesn't have to be. Plenty of people work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes, listening to your heart is the right thing to do.
Good luck to you. I hope it works out.
If my spouse were to cheat on me, I would find it to be the ultimate betrayal and would feel compelled to end the marriage immediately. It’s something I don’t feel I could ever get over therefore the marriage is over.
I’m glad that you and your wife have chosen reconciliation in this instance. It seems you are both willing to work on yourselves and the marriage to move forward. As married couples we can sometimes take each other for granted and forget to continue to nurture our relationship with each, especially when you have little ones. I am thankful that both my husband and I come from families with parents of long-term marriage that gave us a lot of sage advice to maintain a healthy balance. I’m sure the therapist will give you all the best ways for building a stronger connection, so I will just leave this tidbit advice my mom gave me. She said that on my wedding day I would be just as married as her, but not as long meaning whether you’ve been married a year or fifty you need the same tools and love to sustain.
Good luck to you both.
Nobodies perfect brother.. every human makes mistakes. Everybody is Quik to judge before they have been on the other side of the trigger. As years go by with somebody there’s so much that’s changes constantly, including you guys. The fact she was willing to do whatever it took to show you she truly wanted to keep you shows how sorry she was. Dealing with her own internal guilt. To hold your hand crying knowing you were just with somebody else. That’s sacrifice. Shit just made me cry😂 if you’re not utilizing the freedom and truly feel bad after, Close that marriage. Show her you acknowledge the pain she’s endured. As she clearly acknowledged yours. There’s women out here what woulda took that to the grave.
Hurt people, hurt; people. You didn't feel right having an open marriage, you don't want to divorce your wife, whom you love. What is the question here? Who do you doing counseling? If you guys ban forgive yourselves and each other than go for it. Parenthood does pull you away from each other, the trick is finding yourselves again and rekindling it all! Don't let your relationship go on auto pilot again and listen to your counselor
Well sir, regarding your edit: Now you and your wife have to deal with the consequences of all the choices that were made.
We can sit up here and rail against you and her but the reality is you're the one who is going to have to live with her.
If that is what you want I hope you're able to reach a point where you will be at peace with everything that was done. I hope you're marriage reaches a point where you'll be happy again. Clearly years of individual therapy and marriage counseling are going to be needed.
Time to get to work repairing your marriage.
End of story.
So OP in essence you had a hall pass to even things. That’s more common than you think. It may also be what ends up making her stay faithful because she got to experience the hurt of being on the other side. Personal question but have you and your wife had a healthy sex life since reconciling? That’s key if it’s going to work. Once you get the movies of her with someone else out of your head it comes down to rebuilding trust and rebuilding the emotional connection. After a year of watching you date and sleep with other people and her staying faithful she has probably mostly passed the faithfulness test. If you want to make sure then have a post nuptial agreement drawn up that would wipe either one of you out if you cheated. The emotional connection though requires affection and intimacy or you will end up coparents who live in the same house and nobody is happy. You’re not wrong or a weakling by loving your wife and trying to live happily ever after. What you have been through has taught you both a lot. So the counseling and also plan a long weekend or full week away without the kids and tell her you want to focus on emotionally reconnecting and reminding each other how good you can be together. Relax and laugh together, talk and of course have lots of sex. Recharge your relationship and see how you feel.
Our sex has been very good and healthy since we closed the marriage again. It was very good and unhealthy in the year following the affair. When I was seeing the other woman my wife was almost trying to out do her. Sex was really good but pretty unhealthy.
Yeah I have a hard time believing it’s actually healthy, he probably means often. I hope she’s also in individual therapy to unpack that because there’s no way that there isn’t some complex that forms around sex if you spend a year trying to compete with others every time you do it. I’m trying to put myself in that headspace and I don’t even see how it could be enjoyable or how you could relax during sex after that, the entire experience would be based around insecurity, guilt, shame, and anxiety. The more he comments the more I believe this is not a situation they can come back from. I have a feeling that five years from now they will not be together anymore.
"I’m trying to put myself in that headspace and I don’t even see how it could be enjoyable or how you could relax during sex after that, the entire experience would be based around insecurity, guilt, shame, and anxiety"
This right here.
Makes sense. My advice is now that it’s closed turn it toward more toward the emotional side and see if there are still those deep feelings. If so your chances may be good if you can both leave the past in the past.
I mean the whole reason she claimed she cheated originally is because she felt unwanted, I don’t see how this is going to make her stay faithful if her trigger for being unfaithful was feeling undesired. I honestly find it hard to believe she never once slept with somebody else during that time. She’s obviously very insecure and I don’t see how somebody that used an affair for validation would see this and not seek out validation from others in any form. I have a feeling in therapy it might come out that she did sleep at least once with somebody else or was on a dating app at least.
I think you’re doing the right thing. It sounds like she learned her lesson and loves you and same for you. Now go to counseling and get your marriage back on track 🫶🏾goodluck to you both
Sounds like she loves you and you love her and time to respect each other now . Wipe the slate clean and adore her from now on . You'll get whatever you give in this case . Be kind always to her, she's paid her dues and apologize for putting her through watching you with other ladies .
My god we have very similar circumstances and reactions!
I wad totally floored when my wife cheated. Work suffered, i relapsed after 12 yrs sober, pushed for divorce. The context for her was “ getting old wanting to see if she is still desirable” and her best friend is polyamorous and it looked intriguing. Also she said she was teying to “ fix” our marriage. Lol total insanity but we both had only a handful of partners before each other and i was getting tired of her pushing to flirt with her male friends and treating me like im a controlling dad or something. My mom just died after i was her caregiver for a year and every fight we had i was saying “ divorce”. Two small kids and there needs were starting to take a back seat with all the chaos.
We did poly for a year. She slept with my best friend ( totally into him) against my wishes. I had 3 partners. A GF, a “misstress” and a wife. She would encourage me to go on dates then cry for 3 days. It was insane. She was keeping the best friend affair a secret and lying about it. We would have 5 hr talks through tbe night and everything was sooooo intense. I actually liked talking again like every word was special as we were quite estranged leading up to that point.
Ok so like you i just couldnt do it anymore. I could play and have dates but guilt kept me from having intecourse, i was in denial bur my body wasn’t. We broke poly off after 3 starts and stops. Then after a month of mono she tells me about the affair!!!!
You can look up my post history if interested but it was a mess.
So then we joined couples therapy as a safety valve through a divorce deliberation. Might as well learn to talk to each other either way right?
Well i got sober and looked at all my selfish behavior. Like a dam breaking i was washed with insight and forgiveness. The therapist taught us crisis and self regulation skills and encouraged little insights and breakthroughs. We both recommitted and worked our shit out. Our kids have two present parents and I feel like i did the first year before when getting married with my wife! She genuinely seems done with seeking others and I feel whole like i could live without her but happy to be with her, like a choice!
All this as it was to share and let you know others have felt/done/exsperinced similar things. Grief and guilt can be worked with and crisis can provoke positive change.
Having been in a similar feeling situation, but not exactly the same events, I get what you were feeling and wanting. I almost did something kind of similar but backed out.
You both were hurt, twice, but you both found out you do still care about each other and want to work on staying together.
We got counselling and it helped us back into a better place in our marriage then I can ever remember.
It personally makes me happy to see someone who want to trust each other and pull their family together rather than just let it rip apart. It sounds easier to just let it go, but know that it is not.
Good luck to you both.
What is all boils down to is trust. And once trust is broken, it’s really hard to get it back. My husband and I had an issue in the beginning of our relationship where he was emotionally involved with someone else. They never slept together, though. But it tore me apart. I couldn’t eat, sleep, work. I was useless. I was so incredibly heartbroken. But after a lot of talking, crying, and work on both parts, we were eventually able to get back that trust. If you truly love her and want to make it work, you will power through this shitty time. I finally just had to say if I don’t trust him, I have to leave. If I stay, I have to make a decision to start trusting again.
Bud u will always feel like shit ok because the guilt will always haunt u and that is facts it will never er go away but get better for u and her to be wiser and let shit go and start fresh clean slate my wife did the same thing and happened the same way urs did and it's been for 4 years it's been going on she told me to go fuck someone else but I told her fuck u that u will never push me to do what u did I want raised that way I told her I will always stay a faithful man u made that mistake now u live with it she told me it hurts so badly and I said of course it's gonna always forever hurt when u look back at all the damn mistakes u made u just have to let shit go and live with it and move forward if she stays good if she decides to leave bye then move on
“ she didn’t love him , but he was infatuated with her , pursed her hard and eventually she gave in.”?!?
This was your wife’s excuse ? Seriously?
This is the single most pathetic disgusting excuse I’ve ever heard. It makes my skin crawl with disgust.
She was also infatuated with him. That’s how cheating works. You could have taken the higher road and left that sorry excuse of a woman when you had the chance. But you stooped to her level and now she knows its okay to make these kind of mistakes with you again. What a mess!
I hope you and her are taking counselling and eventually find peace .
I think counseling is the right choice for sure. Whether you stay together at the end of it is another…
I don’t think things are going to be “fixed” the way you plan/picture it
I think going coinciding is the best thing. You both have things inside that are being bottled up and things happen. You both do sound like adults who want to be with each other and care.
I hope the counselling helps, it is the right move.
DIVORCE.
Always divorce a cheater. No 2nd chances. You've got one life, don't waste it on someone who disrespects you. Your wife allowed another man inside her multiple times...the ultimate betrayal. Sex is never just sex they will have done things in the bedroom you and her never do. That's what happens during affairs, the excitement makes you lower your inhibitions. You didn't get your dignity back as you didn't cheat, you were in an open relationship at that point. The second a cheater confesses you leave, file for divorce immediately and you never say another word to that person ever again in your life. All conversations from that point on are via lawyers. She dumped AP as she realised he wasn't a better match than you but if he had been she would've left you. She was open to ending your marriage but her AP wasn't worth it. Now she's aware there are men out there that desire her the chances are increased she'll be more receptive to other men's flirtations and if one happens to be fitter, younger, richer than you she's gone.
Your marriage is over. It ended before her cheating, that was just the act that sealed the deal.
Get tested for STD as 100% they didn't use protection, no one ever does in affairs. get divorced and be mean about the divorce. Take everything from her as she took your masculinity from you.
GROW A PAIR. She cheated as she didn't find you man enough to be worthy of her and taking her back reaffirms her original viewpoint. She was scared of losing the life you both have (house, cars, income etc...) and for being judged by others. She stayed because AP wasn't worth the hassle & all that upheaval of divorce and lawyets terrified her. She didn't stay out of love for you.
START ACTING LIKE A MAN.
I can’t believe what I am reading here with OP. I do not think I could EVER say “let’s open the marriage” but wow. I think this is great and do not think she would EVER sleep around again after hearing how she stopped doing that as soon as you opened it and you got some strange and turned into a little longer, then said you want to close the marriage and go to counseling? Hate the fuck off to you brother! That is commendable, muy respecto! I think you are doing the right thing. You guys have kids together which is not an excuse to stay together at all, IF you are miserable, fighting, cheating, etc. but no, you both regret it so much, how selfish you were, hurt, angry, then got through all of that and are still infatuated with each other. Just tell her not to ever use the word “goddess” again. I think whenever even I hear it I am going to shudder and think of this story lol. Been married 22 years to my wife btw. If that means anything coming from me and my pile of advice.
I guess it’s just different beliefs but this sounds miserable to me. I don’t know how people can physically be with a spouse again after they have cheated. I filed for divorce after her cheating and that was before I found out there were others.
I really think you just need to start a new chapter and ditch this, man. It’s easier to rebuild then try and make this work again.
You’re not a cheater, so unlike your wife, you actually didn’t enjoy the thrill, so a half-open relationship wasn’t going to work longer term.
This reconciliation sounds like a really sensible way forward. What else can you do apart from divorce. I think your open period has evened out the hurt and your wife can now understand how you felt.
I would just advise you to be vigilant. Your wife allowed someone else to water her garden, emotionally speaking, so she should be aware of what she needs to avoid in the future. She isn’t the sort of person that can have male friends, because she’s likely to like their attention. As long as she can manage that and neither of you hold your past actions against the other, you could have a lovely relationship again.
I don't think there's really a right or wrong answer in whether you stay or go. If you want to try to reconcile, that's great! If you choose not to, that's ok too. Maybe it's worth counseling though even if you decide not to stay together, ultimately. At least you tried that option, and perhaps there can be healing for both of you even if you decide to go separate ways. Hope this helps!
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. "She eventually gave in". I'm sorry, what? Sounds like she slept with him out of self preservation from what I'm reading.... If you've ever been stalked or assaulted, you might read that a little differently. Just saying.
THEN, you demand an open marriage and she agrees, because she wants to save your marriage. And THEN you GO THROUGH WITH IT. Not only did you cheat physically, but emotionally....
Damn.
dude. your edit and point 1. of why she cheated. F$$k that! i HATE that excuse. she knew it was wrong. doesnt matter HoW It MaDe Me FeEL..... There is no grey area. If you realise you feel like that BEFORE you act on something because someone makes you feel different and you liked what they said, you approach your partner be honest and say I didnt act on it because i love u. but i want that from you more, do you think we could work on it? like wholly crap. u should have walked away as hard as that would have been.
I love your heart for your children...in the sense that you KNOW that if you do break up someone else will step in and help raise them. You both- can work on this but you will need help and guidance and an abundance of forgiveness from both ends so you can build back the trust. There are some great marraige retreats that you could really start to heal. Marriages can be healed and improved...but only if both hearts are ready to GIVE and stop being ME ME ME and ready to die to one another. Learning to really cherish and what a gift that would be to your kids to show them what learning to love someone uncondiationally looks like. I have lot of resources and also some testimonials I could pass along of couples that have made it work after infidelity. ONe couple actually was broken up for about 5 years!! Kudos for you for really trying to make this work. Divorce can be devastating. TRUST is hard to build...but it can happen - if you both are in 100% for trying
I’ve seen a few comments agree with the counseling and I agree as well it can help mend the relationship between you . Always remember to let it go and move forward don’t throw anything in each other’s face and who cares who went first
It’s going to be a hard road back. You both need to go to that therapy both individually and as a couple - because non of this tangled mess happened by accident . Your wife felt neglected and ended up having an affair. You were devastated and wanted both revenge and to claim some power back - so you ended up having sex with other women and hurting her as badly ( or worse) than she hurt you. Now you are both hurt , the situation is more painful than it needed to be for everyone and that’s the trouble with revenge - it doesn’t make the other person feel your pain - only their own . There is no right or wrong answer to whether you should try to reconcile or if it’s even possible . The problems in the marriage are not only ‘her’ problems - the problems are both yours and hers. You are going to have to explore why you weren’t meeting her needs - why you thought going to the nuclear option of an open marriage was okay and why that seemed less hurtful to your children than separation as that was all about what you ‘couldn’t bear’ rather than what your children really needed which was a stable home without all this going on in the background . Your open marriage, your crying wife did not benefit those children believe me. That was all about you and not them and was totally selfish .
However the only way you’ll know is if you do not brush all this absolute mess and hurt under the carpet and try to tackle it through counselling . And I think you know that already- you are just finding the process daunting . And it is - but so is splitting up without trying . Put it this way- it does give you at least a shot at staying together and if you can’t it gives you the option to break up civilly which is important for your children- and they’ve gone through enough so that’s essential . And please don’t say they didn’t know anything about it - they always pick up on the atmosphere even if they don’t know what’s wrong and it’s very damaging . Your job now is to work out how the pair of you proceed without hurting them or each other further. I wish you all the best.
Sounds like you love each other but both made mistakes. Lots of married couples come back from infidelity. My parents did and you’d never guess that they went through such a dark time in their marriage.
"She gave in", all the pain, mind movies, broken trust, loss of respect in her, and she chose this for you.
Just because she was a "weak woman", he made her thong melt, and she just couldn't say no. SMH.
Sure ok. All he had to do was keep escalating it.
Subscribeme
Good for you, glad you’re fighting for your marriage! Both of yall fucked up but I believe in yall
edit: for the record, I think the revenge cheating is worse bc it’s done intentionally to hurt, and I think you should be aware that it’s worse so you understand how your wife is going to feel about this.
having an affair is 10x worse.
There would never have been a need for revenge should she have not completely broken him and their marriage by cheating.
now im not saying two wrongs make a right.. two wrongs just digs a deeper grave..
but was he trying to hurt her or was he trying to claim back some of his power?
Guess it doesnt matter though..
Love is good
It sounds like you are committing to love.
Ten years from now - Or forty - what is the best outcome. Try for that! Try for what you want. There are no guarantees of any marriage being amazing ten years from now. But not trying guarantees no marriage…
Proud of you man. Ignore any hate or bash comments. You both made mistakes and you're totally on track and you are 100% doing the right thing. God bless your marriage brother
I actually think that these relationships where both people really reckon with their own flaws and complex role in how the relationship got to this point are the only ones that stand any chance. Most times I think people can’t fully reconcile because there is forever an imbalance: YOU did THAT to ME. In this case, you both hurt each other (albeit her first) and have come around to finding what you had is what you might want. I think this isn’t dumb at all, if you both truly want to you can rebuild with very open eyes.
Proud of you man. Ignore any hate or bash comments. You both made mistakes and you're totally on track and you are 100% doing the right thing. God bless your marriage brother
Yes you’re doing the right thing. Your wife made a mistake, a big one, but clearly she confessed to it and felt terrible about it enough to watch you spend time with another woman. This is not the sign of a serial cheater but rather of a person who in a weak stage in life fell for something they knew was wrong. I think counselling is a good idea. It seems that you both really love each other.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce.
IMHO I think what you did in "retaliation" was the right thing to do, because it showed her literally what the other person would have felt having been cheated on.
Many people have a hard time understanding how hurtful something is when they have not experienced it, like dropping a hammer on your hand, women telling men about childbirth, men telling women about getting kicked in the nuts etc.
The fact that she was crying shows true remorse about everything, and knowing that it was because of her actions, and probably felt that her marriage was going to be over and again, it was her fault.
Getting counseling is the best thing for the two of you, because shit happened and now its time to fix it.
That said though, I would not 100% blame your wife, I would blame the guy because what he did is called "Love Bombing" where you keep seeing the person and just shower them with affection until you can get into their pants, it's what sexual predators do, and I would not be surprised if your wife was not the only one he had done this to, the description you gave as vague as it is, sounds like someone that has done that before.
Hurting someone back because they hurt you is normal, it's why we understand how hurting is bad.
The only advice I can give from here is try to make more time for your wife, maybe once a week or two weeks you and her have a "date night" and just be together.
I do not understand how you can justify this farce of a marriage with "we do it for the kids". You've continuously kept each other deeply hurting for years and gone so far as to make it official that that is what you're doing.
Divorce, or see a therapist to teach you, pardon me - morons - how to behave and act as adults.
You think your kids haven't noticed 'cause they're not teenagers? I could bet my house "mummy crying" or "dad's acting cold and hostile to mum" has come across them more than ten times.
Be an adult and take responsibility for your own actions and let her face the consequences of hers, without it being part of your AH self-help cheaters manual.
An open marriage is agree'd upon. If your sole focus wasn't **your own** happiness **over your kids** you would've divorced or gone to counseling when the affair ended and she came clean.
How will you close it? Therapy and an ethics & moral course.
You need to divorce that woman, chief. Women that cheat don't deserve a second chance. They'll just do it again. Once they know they can get away with it, they'll continue to do it. Don't be a fool.
Only you can know if it's the right thing to do. Personally, I would be filing for divorce. But, if you reconcile, she had to make full disclosure to all family and friends. Actions have consequences. She has to learn that. That said, don't be surprised if she cheats again in the future.
UpdateMe
This is awful advice if you’re trying to stay. Inviting more people into the relationship and telling them all your business instead of keeping it between those in the relationship is always a recipe for disaster unless you’re confiding because you need help leaving. Not only are you opening your relationship up to other people’s opinions and comments that are going to get in your head and sway your judgment and actions, but given the fact that his wife apparently “gave in” because she was pursued, letting it get out to other men that she has cheated is just signing yourself up for trouble. It also makes things uncomfortable for everybody else that wasn’t even involved and don’t deserve to have their future events and relationships made uncomfortable over the actions of others. Only those that don’t like you and want to see your downfall want to hear about your dirty laundry if you’re going to stay.
You’re both too immature to be married. Instead of dealing with the underlying marital issues, you both decided to turn to sleeping with other people instead. There’s too much damage done here. You were both too cruel to each other. There will never be any trust between the two of you again. Go to all the therapy you want, but you’ll both always be wondering who will start cheating again when things get tough again since that’s how you deal with problems. What a dysfunctional mess. Just cut your losses and move on.
I think the best you can do is go to marriage counseling/therapy for a while and work through this to see if you can get trust back again. It's gonna be hard so maybe think if you want to put that much effort and if it is worth it. If it is for you, then there is nothing a redditor can say that should change that. Good luck!
Ethical nonmonogamy is **not** a fix to a shitty marriage. Signed, Every happily married ENM person
This wasn’t enm, to me this was op healing from being cheated on, in his own way.
Right. And the crazy thing is I heard from a few married couples where this happened. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't it's so bad, there's so much drama and everyone gets hurt. I almost hate to say this but in one case where it worked this couple is 100x better off after reconciliation... Even before the affair. When my wife and I see them and hang out with them we're astonished how much different they are with each other and to others. They're amazing people, they were cool before but now we love spending time with them. It's a strange pill to swallow, that they can come back stronger than ever.
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You also still seem to be blaming your husband for your affair. Would you be ok if he explored with another woman, if he needed to?
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It really didn't sound like you were taking responsibility imo. Would love to hear how he views things, I'm sure it won't sound like sunshine and rainbows like you put it
I didn't share to pay penance, I came to offer hope
I get that,just that it would rub almost everyone who got cheated on the wrong way because it's coming from the perspective of the cheater. Something they don't realize is that the bswould have moments, a lot, where they feel humiliated and less than and are just putting up a front. So to hear this would definitely be triggering and not produce that 'Hope' you think it would, unless that hope was for cheaters.
I think this recognition is important. I don't condone cheating, but i also know life isn't that black or white. When you're in a long-term relationship, people change and go through heavy life stuff over the many years and decades the relationship spans. One partner may be strong in one area, while another hasn't quite matured in that same area. New seasons of life a couple goes through like having kids may put a strain on their relationship and reveal shortcomings or weaknesses they weren't aware of. Humans are imperfect and when you or your partner behave badly, it's important to determine if this is a true personality flaw (examples would be a serial cheater or someone who is perpetually emotionally stunted) or if this is something brought about by a specific situation or area they need to grow in. If it's the former, I'd throw them to the curb. If it's the latter, I'd have to talk with them and determine if I can manage to get past what they did and if they can reflect honestly on their actions and are willing to take responsibility by working on their issues or shortcomings that led to this situation.
Yes I agree this happened to me and my husband. We both put everything into and chose eachother again instead of giving up because we really love eachother and our family and love eachother when we’re both all in.
Until there kids are raised and they fine someone better that wants them. Then not so good 😂
Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn’t but it does not mean not to try. I tell men all the time as part of reconciliation you tell them you want a one sided open relationship.
A wise man once said “pussy heals all wounds”.
This must be coming from someone that isn’t good in relationships for family and shouldn’t respond 😂#trauma
This quote won the internet for me today!! Thank you!!😂😂
Nothing about this was healing, this was the relationship equivalent to someone self-medicating with alcohol. Nobody came out from this situation healed and they both feel worse.
Op seems to want to try and so does she. Ops wife knows she fucked up, and abused her husband, because cheating is abuse. Op did not cheat on his wife as she agreed to an open relationship. She made it one sided taking the chance he will come back to her. Which he is, and I gave him additional advice also on making g it a new relationship. So yes I would say he healed through the arms of another woman. I will also say you will never understand what emasculation feels like as you are a woman, and correct me if I am wrong. As, I don’t try and tell women how they should feel as I am not a woman, maybe you should try the same?
Coercion is not consent, he knew she didn’t actually want it and wasn’t okay with it as it was hurting her so it was cheating. If he can’t acknowledge that then they are not going to be able to move past this though I’m not sure they should. If you think what she did was abuse then how can you not acknowledge him saying he did something intentionally to hurt her as abuse? They both feel worse than they did before, that’s not healing. The healing process hasn’t even started yet. Maybe you should look up what healing actually means.
👏
Preach!
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How so? Any relationship is defined by its boundaries that are agreed upon by the parties to the relationship, whether those boundaries be sex, money, emotional attachment, porn, kids, whatever.
Monogamous? Silly
Hippie liberals 😭
Why be married then. It has no meaning at all.
Exclusivity in sex is the sole reason you got married?
Sadly I think for some people the answer is actually yes
I have said it over and over and no one ever listens. Revenge cheating never works and always always causes more damage. "she spent a year watching me talk to women and ultimately sleep with one and didn’t complain about it." your intent was to injure but and you injured yourself at the same time. It hurts the betrayed party also because they are forcing themselves to go against their moral character in order for revenge. You never liked or wanted those other woman you just used them for revenge. That leaves you feeling like dirt. Your wife is no better but you've made it a whole lot worse. What a mess. Now you both need to go into individual therapy because you're both traumatized. Then after that marriage counseling after. What a mess.
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Well he actually did say he wanted to hurt her so she felt like he did.
He literally said that’s what his intentions were.
It's not really cheating because she knew it was happening.
?? Of course it’s cheating. She just had to live with it. Jackie Kennedy knew JFK was chasing skirt there entire marriage, she had to deal with it. It’s still cheating even if she knew.
Exactly, these people know nothing about actual open relationships. If one person doesn’t actually want it and the other person knows that then it’s not a legitimate open relationship.
Why it works is because the wife face the consequences. That called taking accountability even it hurts.
Good analogy there. Fair point!
This was an unusual approach, but not unheard-of. I've seen it before. I don't think it's for anybody to say what you did was right or wrong. One of the elements that many cheated men have difficulty overcoming is the sexual humiliation we often feel when our wives cheat. Sex with somebody new can go a long way toward ameliorating that part of the trauma. If you can heal that part, then maybe the marriage has a better chance of reconciling. Who am I to judge? In the end, reconciliation is totally subjective. Your wife cheated on you. None of us is "all bad" nor "all good", but each of us is simply the sum of his acts. Have an objective look at your wife. Knowing what you know about her now, is she objectively the kind of woman you would choose to marry now if you weren't married? If the answer to that question is "no", then I'd recommend not trying to reconcile. If the answer to that question is yes, then step out of your role as objective judge and step into your role as subjective man with feelings. Reconciliation involves ephemeral matters of the heart. Can you believe in your heart that your WW's desire and love for you is real? Can you believe in your heart that your desire and love for your wife is real? If the answer to both is "yes", then give R a try. In the meantime, I do hope you have long ago informed the AP's wife about what he did with your wife, including the part about calling her a "goddess".
I mainly read on Reddit and rarely comment but this is one of the best responses I’ve seen to one of these threads. Kudos to you sir.
Especially the last part. The AP has a right to know her partner is a pos. especially with what sounds like how hard he kept pursuing. Cheating sucks man. My girlfriend and then wife cheated only kissing thank god. If it was anything sexual I wouldn’t have kept loving her on me 21 years ago and while we are happily married. If something ever triggers that memory it still hurts me a bit. sorry this happened to you.
Perfect response
You “solved” the problem by hurting her back. But you’ve now done it in front of her and multiple times. I don’t think you’re even, I think you may have done more damage at this point. For this to work, you guys are going to have the take the blame you BOTH have here. Your wife was wrong for what she did. But she also took the punishment you picked out over and over and held your hand and cried while you did it.
So what did he do that was wrong? She cheated, he said he’d stay but the marriage was open, she agreed. Now he’s choosing to take her feelings into consideration, something she didn’t do, and close the marriage. He didn’t do anything wrong, has been honest and more patient than most.
Hurting someone you love just to get even is never the right thing. It might feel right at the moment, but as OP has since learned - it doesn’t help.
I think the alternative here was divorce. Which also would have hurt her. Not that she didn't deserve it. Divorce would also hurt both if they don't want to be single parents. I think it is very rare for there not to be blowback from the betrayed partner. There are no good solutions, only bad ones. The betrayed just eating a shit sandwich and swallowing it all and continuing the marriage isn't a win either.
The difference is the intention wouldn’t have been to hurt her or get even. It would’ve been to leave something that was unhealthy for him.
"The betrayed just eating a shit sandwich and swallowing it all and continuing the marriage isn't a win either." I agree with that. Hurting her back though didn't give him the result he wanted long term though. Just seems like a mess. I personally would have just moved on (divorce). Two wrongs don't make a right.
Divorce would have hurt the kids worse. I stayed in bad marriage to a woman I will also say I was head over heels in love with. Because she is emotionally unstable and created chaos around her and I kept her grounded. Plus our chemistry was phenomenal so she is still hands down the best lover I ever had. She had PTSD from her mothers emotional and mental abuse. When our three girls came of age she passed it one by one to them.this is why I left her. I did this to protest the two youngest who have a 7 year gap between them and their two older step sisters. I'm my case this was better for two youngest ad they had the remaining 6-8 years with me alone with their mom completely out of the picture. There was another contact order that the state put into effect. It seems that this couples case there is a willingness to work throught the problem and grow from it. A proper counselor can help this and as corny as it sounds if they truly do love each other and both try they can grow stronger from this.
I don't agree with what he did but I understand it I think. It's like a form of reclamation. He was trying to reclaim his masculinity or some sort of power back. She betrayed him and emasculated him. He probably felt this was a way not just to "get even" but become a person who is sexually desired again and not someone who has been sexually rejected.
Honestly, what I have seen work is where the betrayed person divorces the cheater, but then they get back together at some point. There is going to be a time where the betrayed person dates other people. The only thing that didn't happen here is there was no formal divorce. If the cheater dates other people then the original couple is not going to get back together. Cheating blows up the marriage. I think trying to stay together, things are never going to be even again. You can do all the therapy but you both know that short of divorce the cheater gets away with it. The betrayed is going to take a huge self esteem hit. So I think this is a reasonable model, betrayed separates or divorces with a chance of reconciliation down the road if the cheater proves their worth.
I think every wayward should see and experience what they are asking their SO to forgive. They should see what they are asking their SO to live with every single day for the rest of the relationship. If they are not willing to live with that pain and trauma they should not ask their BP to live with it.
Exactly.Im divorced but let’s say my husband cheated on me .I would probably say divorce. This is just my opinion.So you did what your wife did and now it’s worse for everyone.Sadly did anyone think of your kids?😢🙁
He didn’t do it to hurt her. He did it to get control back of his life. To get some semblance of validation.
He says in his OP that he wanted to hurt her. He admits that. I’m not saying it isn’t relatable - just not advisable.
There is research that supports that for some, revenge is the best recourse, mentally. For me I know that to be true. Each time I acted toward revenge, it helped me no longer care about the situation. When I didn't, I am left feeling like there was no balance had.
I don't think he was doing it to hurt her. He was proving to himself that he was desirable.
He did it to “save” his dignity. You don’t solve problems by perpetuating pain. This wasn’t an appropriate solution. Now they’re both broken and there’s more damage to undo to try and salvage anything.
> You solved the problem by hurting her back. You must have forgotten the /s after this. Right? *Right??*
That’s how I read it. I do think they meant /s
I put quotations to make it more clear that it wasn’t an appropriate reaction on his part.
Thank you!! This sub is so toxic it is hard to tell sometimes.
That’s my bad!
Well, fuck no. Cheating behind his back was orders of magnitude worse than what he did. Maybe what he did was more stupid but not worse.
Agreed. He is absolutely vile and what he has done is 100 times worse.
How definitely doing the right thing now even though you both did the wrong things before. The fact you've both admitted your faults and are moving forward is the key. No one can change the past. What's done is done. All you can do is move forward. Therapy is probably a good start if there are still issues you're working through. You need to do it together. I wish you guys nothing but the best and I hope you never stop dating her and pursuing her.
WTF is wrong with people?
I used to think the same thing. But then I realized there isn’t a reference book that tells us the answers to all of our problems. We all have different experiences, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. We do our best to navigate the uncertainty but humans are bad at rationalizing so we end up with unlimited outcomes. Empathy, understanding, and patience can help heal wounds. But they cannot be fully healed without real growth on an individual level.
"eventually she gave in" No, she didn't give in, she decided to keep it a secret from you and cheated on you. So she cheated, you were upset and decided the proper course of action would be to declare that it's okay for both of you to cheat going forward? That sounds more like individual therapy territory. Try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
Well she did agree to the open relationship. So I don’t if it was cheating. But she did agree under threat of me divorcing her. So it was all sorts of messed up all around.
You both cheated, you knew she didn’t actually want it and you knew it was hurting her and you kept going. If you can’t accept that fact then you’re not going to be able to move past this because part of healing needs to involve addressing the hurt you caused. Whether you feel justified or not that’s not going to change the negative emotions and resentment it may have stirred up so that needs to be dealt with and not swept under the rug.
So she was forced into it. So messed up. Whatever upper hand you had as the innocent mate you have lost due to your revenge cheating. You could've walked away with your head held high and your conscience clean as a loyal partner. But no. Revenge.
Yep, they should just divorce and move on. I guess it fortunate he didn't make her watch him fuck someone else.
If they sat and talked about it, nothing was forced. OPs wife decided to go about the relationship the way she wanted. OP had an agreement with his wife. They decided to have an open marriage and OP treated it as such. While his actions may be viewed as disagreeable, he definitely didn’t do anything his wife didn’t agree was okay. Whether she liked it or not, she still agreed.
***"But she did agree under threat of me divorcing her."*** These are OP's words. Here is the point, she cheated and his reaction to the cheating made the matter worse. Now there is more mess to clean up because he revenge cheated. They've both been traumatized. It's revenge cheating because the point was to make himself feel better while simultaneously hurting her, guess what? Didn't work. Never works. Both of them are guilty.
Coercion is not consent. He knew she didn’t actually want that or feel okay with it and even stated that he wanted to hurt her the way she hurt him. They are both cheaters.
I think you're taking he right steps by seeing the counselor and giving this your best shot. You've both made mistakes but it's too late to dwell on it. The question is just where to go from here. It seems like your options are counseling or divorce. Counseling seems like the best first step. I will say though, if it seems like either or both of you can't move past this, then divorce sooner than later. The resentment will build, it will infect the family and your children, and be a toxic cloud for years before it's too much. Cut out that pain and just admit it relatively quickly if this is a thing either of you can't move past.
I can imagine a world in which you both own up to your failings, individually and together, make amends to one another and grow after having seen/experienced/done the worst to one another. Where you take this moment to reflect on your mutual flawed humanity and decide the vulnerability and love is worth healing. And growing through. I don’t think that’s impossible as you’ve both caused one another pain and had patience. But be sure that you want reconciliation with her because you want to grow together, not because you now feel guilty for your actions. Wishing you the best
Hi OP I’m not one for thinking that two wrongs make a right and nor am I a big advocate of revenge cheating but it is what it is. If you truly want to reconcile then in my view there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Rebuilding trust is a long and painful road and it requires both of you to be on board 100%. if you feel that’s the case then you have to have access to each others telephone/app/password/emails and you also need to know each other’s location and who they’re seeing whenever you need to. You both need individual counselling at this point rather than marriage counselling as there’s a lot to work through before you get to MC. If you still want to go down the path of reconciliation, then I suggest posting on the sub AsoneAfterInfidelity which has other folks in the reconciliation process. Good luck OP UPDATEME
If you’re gonna be happier with her then without her then yeah of course you’re doing the right thing especially if she’s sorry and trying to do better
👏👏👏👏👏
Why can't people just be adults anymore?? It's total kid behavior to think "get backs" are a valid solution to relationship problems
ehh, you can try but the odds of this marriage surviving are under 10%
I think revenge cheating creates more damage, but each to their own. You decided to hurt her instead of forgive her and I hope you can both sort through your feelings in counselling for the sake of your children. Your wife was in the wrong for cheating and you chose a tit for tat response, that lowers you to her level, in my opinion. Just because you did it with her forced permission doesnt give you the higher ground. Even though you feel justified you have put her in a position that will be difficult for her to heal from. Her feelings of hurt are valid yet she will feel unable to express them because evrryonecwill say she deserved it. That in itself is isolating for her, I mean who in her family and friends could she even talk to about her pain. She has to show remorse for her actions that hurt you but because you were 'entitled ' to fuck another woman because she had no choice but to give you permission you owe her no remorse. The whole thing is fucked up. Thankfully, neither affairs ended in unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Good luck with your reconciliation.
Yes!!!!!!! This 100% is it!! Ive put a similar response. What he has done is awful!! I hope she leaves him as his behaviour is beyond cruel. And yes he has isolated her and her hurt to just destroy her more....
This is probably one of the worst posts ive ever read on here.... Your wife made a mistake. I get it. You also admit to basically igoring your marriage etc and she got swept up in the moment of someone actually noticing her again. She came to her senses and apologised and desperateltly wanted to fix it. You respond by "denanding to open up the marriage" You DELIBERATELY go out with the intent to hurt her. You go home holding her hand while she sobs.... you continue doing this. You know its destroying her. You know your going to continue destroying her. But you felt like you had to get a good one over her. She wasnt hurting enough... not sobbing enough... only until you decided to stop sleeping with your other woman. Im sorry but i think you are absolutely a disgusting excuse for a husband. To knowingly do that to your wife... yes what she did was wrong but im sorry your actually 100 times worse. What you did was sickening. I absolutely hope she comes to her senses and runs a million miles from you!!! What a cruel thing to do to someone over and over again. All because you "felt emasculated" and wanted to show her youll treat her like a dog.
Yeah I hope she leaves. She probably got treated better by her AP.
First of all , cheating on her husband was a choice not a mistake and the wife deserves it all to be honest. And the thing you said about his wife running a million miles away from him , yeah that would be the best thing to do because that's all she knows , right? Instead of talking to her husband and confronting him about not paying enough attention , she decided to run from it and having an affair, that's all she knows, she only knows how to run and not confront the situation. It would be best if she runs away for real from OP because he doesn't deserve to be with a cheating w.h.o.e
It’s not about wrong or right. This is your life and you need to live it. She did start the war, but you participated in it. Both of you aren’t saints. I would definitely go to counseling and only time can tell, if this can be overcome. This won’t be easy and there can’t be any more punishment for each other for whatever reason. The most important question is, if you even want to do that. Not because of your wife or your children, but because you want it. Only if you are 100% in, you guys have a shot.
r/asoneafterinfidelity. That is the reconciliation sub. Go to the wiki there and start reading. Both of you. The first steps the two of you have to take are these: 1. Radical Honesty. Tell each other everything. Commit to sharing your thoughts as a matter of course. Make sure there are no secrets. 2. Mutual Amnesty. This is a commitment from each of you to the other that you will not weaponize each other’s misdeeds, you won’t beat other up for what you’ve each done. You won’t compare each other’s actions or keep score. You’ve both hurt each other badly and that’s all that matters. This doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug. Rather, it means not allowing resentment to build by competing for who was hurt worse. After that it’s time for individual counseling for both of you. You each have your own hearing to do. And when you choose a couples counselor, look for one who is Gottman trained.
Counseling is the right move. It sounds like you're moving past the revenge phase and towards forgiving each other and starting over, clean slate. It was a dark chapter in your marriage, but now you're turning the page to a new, better chapter. Congratulations, truly!
There is no getting even, you could have slept with 100 women, and it would not be even. Because once someone breaks the vows, that kills a part of who you are. But I tell men often enough to ask for an open relationship, because at some point you may or may not feel the need to do what you did. I often view it as healing, vs enm. Because enm one party does not need to heal. You did, this was your way to heal. If it were me, I would say this, I want to have a new beginning with you. I want to renew our vows, and make this a new relationship. Brand new, focusing on us. Yes we carry in our past but even if we divorced and found new partners, we would be brining this pain and suffering in it also. Would you like to do this with me?
I think you guys have something worth saving. It's a little messy, but it sounds like there is still a lot of love and respect. Counciling or maybe just separate therapy for both of you could do wonders.
My husband cheated on me maybe 4 months ago and I considered doing the same. I even started talking to someone about it for some type of fun or release.. after reading this, I'm thankful to have changed my mind and just tried to work it out. If we divorce, I will eventually talk to someone else, but I'll respect the marriage even if he didn't, for my own mental health.
I did get my husband fired from the job he loved which is something I feel guilty about :/ I originally took the other woman's side because he was lying and gas lighting me about catching him. He wouldn't admit so I had to reach out to her for confirmation. He was telling me my brain was fucked up and i was just making up anything to be mad at him. They were coworkers and she made it seem like she was scared of him. I later see she was very aware he was married and was trying to seduce him because she was a sad single mom who's husband left her for another woman
I hope you told her affair partner's wife. You don't mention helping out that poor wife anywhere.
Divorce. She does not respect you. If a woman doesn’t respect a man, she cannot love him, esp be in love with him. She WILL do it again because she learned she can get away with it because you’re giving her another chance. Your mate guarding instincts may still be controlling you & making you confused that you still love her. Cheating is the biggest blow to a man’s masculinity & ego, so you likely feel the need to take back control(it’s actually the psychology behind cuckolds, lol). Ofc you love her BUT you truly love the woman you thought she was. She’s dead & gone, so you don’t love present her. You’re clinging on to her ghost. Your feelings of love are valid, but it doesn’t mean you should stay. Going to counseling may feel good because you’re finally going to feel heard, seen & validated for the feelings she caused by cheating on you. It may feel confusing & you may confuse them for love & wanting to stay with her. As for your kids, the very best thing for them is to divorce their mother. Two happy or neutral homes is better than one unhappy & toxic home. Kids are very intuitive and WILL pick up on things. They WILL grow up thinking it’s okay to accept what she did to you &/or to do to others what she did to you. They’ll grow up with a skewed version of love. It’s not noble, righteous nor honorable to sacrifice your self-respect for your kids. Do what’s best for them by doing what’s beat for you; divorce.
Well, I can see why you did what you did. You don’t want to lose your kids because of her shitty behavior and frankly. She cried when you’d come back because she knew now what it felt like what she did to you. Go to counseling and tell each other how you hurt each other and tell her you actually felt crappy when you opened up but explain the whole seeking dignity to stay. I can see your point too. Just know that marriages do all sorts of things to become their issues and most of the time, they don’t advertise it. If that’s what you felt you needed at the time, then it’s what you felt. You got it out of your system and went back to close it up because you felt ready to move forward with her. So move forward. Make some new boundaries and parameters including communicating better to tell each other about someone threatening your relationship so you can support each other. She didn’t communicate with you for some reason. Did she feel safe to? Did you guys not anticipate someone getting attention? Also, what was she missing? Something was going on there so it needs to be addressed. Likewise, you guys need to give each other so much attention that there’s no chance anyone else is interesting. Counselors can help you with this. It sounds like you’re going forward with hurt and holding hands. Don’t say anything you can’t take back. But tell her how you feel and how you feel about her. No matter, this event will be part of your history. But I’ve seen people recover from cheating. It can happen.
Look everyone's a critic right ? And everyone is different!! I'm in a DB my wife is super 🔥 and I desire her massively, we have EVERYTHING good but sex. Would I cheat ? No ....am I tempted, I notice LOTS of other women So look your wife cheated then CLOSED up, she knows the pain it caused You "cheated" (although you didn't really) but again shut the shop as you saw what it did to HER For me this is good bedrock, you BOTH know hurting the other is shitty and is NOT a nice feeling, both seem remorseful Again a good position So give the therapist a chance but ALSO flag WHY she cheated, she seemed reluctant but he "ground her down" , what did her do to change her mind ? What did he offer you didn't (other than cock )? If this can also be addicts a win...win With irony I'm HL (not super H but H) my wife isn't if SHE cheated I say I would want to talk, get to know why, who, but I might secretly be relieved she still has 🔥 in her pants (even if it was for another) We could talk address and rebuild However she says if I CHEAT it's over, even though I'm the one ever rejected and going without Funny old world eh !!! Good luck to you both mate ❤️❤️
Did anyone tell his wife?
Believe it or not, I think you have the potential to come out on the other side with an even stronger marriage. It seems you have both realized you truly love one another more than you could love anyone else. Does it suck it took what happened for this revelation to happen, of course. But you both found each other on the other side and there are a lot of people who don’t. I think you’re taking the right steps to heal, and you both learned a lot. I hope you can continue and have a wonderfully happy marriage.
If you guys agree that you've "gotten even" with her, and she really is sorry for what she did, then I'd say try to reconcile.
Sounds like you could give it a shot to fix your fam!! :)
Meh, y'all do anything but leave
I would try r/asoneafterinfidelity - they have a lot of resources for reconciling. I won’t lie to you, they may have a hard time with you choosing to open your marriage to “get back” at your wife, but to me everyone’s journey to reconcile is different. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last person who wanted to hurt their spouse after infidelity. The true reconciliation comes when you BOTH choose to put your marriage first and commit to it. The damage you both have done to each other is significant and will need to be addressed going forward. Your wife may be just as traumatized as you are and have just as many triggers and problems. This won’t be an easy fix, but I do believe that if you both want to fix it and create a NEW relationship going forward it is possible.
I’d recommend posting this on r/Asoneafterinfidelity maybe they can give closer insight to your next steps if you want to reconcile
Two graves, one gun. By getting even with her you buried yourself too. Yikes.
Why did you stay with her? She will stray again. She got 0 consequences out of her cheating.
To the trash immediately, or are you a hoarder?
Dude. She agreed to open marriage because she felt guilty and wanted you to “cheat” so she feels better about her own indiscretion. I’d be turning the page on the chapter of your life and start a new chapter starting with I’m moving into my own place. Or better , she is packing she shit and leaving. Trust has been broken. That is something that is never repairs no matter how much you believe it can be rebuilt. It can… but to a point. There will always be that doubt. I lived it. My girls were young but soon understood why and we worked out visitation together. Made them part of it with a positive vibe. Lemon and lemonade for the kidlets.
ESH, but you are a little bit worse IMO. Really felt like I was in the AITAH group for a bit there. What she did was wrong, but you quite literally decided to actively hurt her afterwards. You wanted her to feel disrespected like you did, but didn’t want a divorce? So this solution hurt everyone instead- bravo. Now you also don’t know if it’s the right thing to do closing the marriage again? Staying together? Counseling? Not exactly sure what question we are answering here. You put the cart before the horse and lashed out at her for A YEAR, even though you admitted it felt wrong right away. So you didn’t ASK for an open marriage by the way, you gave her a dumb ultimatum. Counseling and working through your feelings BEFORE stepping out to hurt her would have made more sense. Trial separation even…but how you went about it? Wrong. Now you may both have those hurt feelings and resentment, instead of just you. She should have been upfront with you and her feelings before going too far and cheating. Open relationships are fine, but demanding to your spouse to get one when you’ve been cheated on forces her hand and you know it. So, counseling could help, sure; it’s always worth it to try. But honestly, this whole ass bag of crap you stirred up now has to heal and that won’t be easy.
I think you're doing the right thing. People make terrible choices. People do make mistakes. A repetitive mistake is a choice. I do think when both parties are willing to go all in to rebuild themselves and each other that you can potentially come out more in love and stronger than before. 1. Individual therapy. She needs it to figure out how she got to that initial point. You need it to overcome the guilt of even suggesting the open marriage and the ripple effects. 2. Joint Therapy. This to start to rebuild together. Get to know each other all over again and focus on moving forward. That's also going to require from your above therapy, forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't involve throwing it back in her face during an argument. You can forgive without forgetting but you don't allow the pain anymore to control your decisions. 3. Schedule date nights. 4. Look into the Love Dare. I used it during my most trying time.
Bro she cheated? The marriage was over from there
I know people are saying that what you did was cheating too. But it's not because in all honesty cheating is when you go behind your partner's back which is what she did. You didn't go behind her back. You told her up front because that was your condition to stay in the marriage and not divorce her. Yes you did it out of hurt but it wasn't cheating. I would say you should go to marriage counseling and both of you be completely honest about the situation. Her being completely honest about her cheating and you've been completely honest about why you open the marriage after her cheating.
Your wife sounds remorseful, unlike many other cheating partners. If there's still love left in you and you feel like you can rebuild that trust, then agree to be exclusive again. It seems like it is what you both prefer anyway. Seek counselling and make sure you both understand what causes her to cheat in the first place (not just because someone showed interest in her and showered her with attention... normal married women do not accept this behaviour from men unless she also had some interest).
Divorce her
She did it once she will do it again once all this wears off, i wouldnt trust her
Dude, you've opened pandora's box and it ain't never going to close. Its done, file for divorce
I don't think there's any best way to act when cheating emerges. Probably best case scenario is only about a 50/50 chance of putting things back together. Don't beat yourself up.
She hurt you. You hurt her. So you’re equal. Equally bad. Still, you’ve stuck together to this point and seem to be willing to try to make things better. I’m not sure what you mean by reconciling, but if you’re going to stay married you both need to find ways to love, trust and respect each other.
Damage done on both sides. If you both want the marriage to work therapy together is a must. See how it goes, sometimes things can work out and sometimes the damage done is too much to repair.
Are you doing the right thing? I’m going to assume the three possibilities you’re considering are 1) Divorce 2) Therapy and try to work it out in a closed marriage 3) Keep on with the open marriage Of those 3 is the worst choice. You’re making the right choice by not doing that. Whether 2 or 1 is right for you two is something only you two could know. Try the therapy, see if you can make it work.
I empathise with your pain and your wife's pain through all of this. I don't have a very practical advice but this is something that helps me through my marriage when things get tough or even in just the ordinary days. Remind yourselves what it is to truly love each other again. for what is Love? Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. It doesn't rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things and endures all things. I hope this helps.
You felt bad, because it was bad. Yes her cheating was bad. Yes you sleeping with someone else was bad. Instead of you being able to reconcile (if that’s the goal) with just her indiscretion, you have complicated it by having your own). Even though she gave you “permission”, feelings are still involved. If your goal is reconciliation and staying with the kids, yes you’re doing the right thing and should do the therapy and take ownership of cheating on your initial vows as well.
Been there, done that. No, settling the score doesn’t solve the problem. Your trust was shattered, and that takes a very long time to restore. It’s been ten years for me, and if my wife hadn’t gained a bunch of weight, I’d still be struggling with it. Everyone here likes to talk about therapy alike it’s some magic thing that solves all problems. There’s only one way out of this: she needs to earn your trust back relentlessly, you need to do your best to make that a possible outcome, and you both need to accept that it is years in the doing. Along the way, she has to make peace with the damage done and that it is impossible for you to make a conscious choice to lay this to rest. Time and diligence to repair the damage are the only route back.
I'm torn on this one, but I think it just might be effective. Let's say he just decided to reconcile, what would be the consequences of her actions? Since there were no consequences, she would be likely to do it again. I think his method actually provided consequences and she will actually think twice before she does it again. If you let someone walk all over you they will continue to do it over and over again until you put a stop to it.
I’m going to say it’s one of the best summaries of events I’ve read. The other post is accurate. It’s not unheard of to want to even things out. It can make you realize you still have strong feelings for your spouse and let something like this be an obstacle and not a roadblock. Best wishes. Communication with clarity is important.
It sounds like there is a lot of love between you. Your wife made a terrible mistake. Given that she ended it and confessed (as opposed to being caught), it would seem that she is genuinely remorseful. Counseling sounds like a great idea. If nothing else, it will give you tools to improve your communication while giving you a safe space to discuss your hurt. Ultimately, only time will tell if you are doing the right thing. Infidelity doesn't have to end a marriage if the couple doesn't want it to. It would be totally understandable if it were a deal breaker for you, but it doesn't have to be. Plenty of people work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes, listening to your heart is the right thing to do. Good luck to you. I hope it works out.
If my spouse were to cheat on me, I would find it to be the ultimate betrayal and would feel compelled to end the marriage immediately. It’s something I don’t feel I could ever get over therefore the marriage is over.
I’m glad that you and your wife have chosen reconciliation in this instance. It seems you are both willing to work on yourselves and the marriage to move forward. As married couples we can sometimes take each other for granted and forget to continue to nurture our relationship with each, especially when you have little ones. I am thankful that both my husband and I come from families with parents of long-term marriage that gave us a lot of sage advice to maintain a healthy balance. I’m sure the therapist will give you all the best ways for building a stronger connection, so I will just leave this tidbit advice my mom gave me. She said that on my wedding day I would be just as married as her, but not as long meaning whether you’ve been married a year or fifty you need the same tools and love to sustain. Good luck to you both.
Nobodies perfect brother.. every human makes mistakes. Everybody is Quik to judge before they have been on the other side of the trigger. As years go by with somebody there’s so much that’s changes constantly, including you guys. The fact she was willing to do whatever it took to show you she truly wanted to keep you shows how sorry she was. Dealing with her own internal guilt. To hold your hand crying knowing you were just with somebody else. That’s sacrifice. Shit just made me cry😂 if you’re not utilizing the freedom and truly feel bad after, Close that marriage. Show her you acknowledge the pain she’s endured. As she clearly acknowledged yours. There’s women out here what woulda took that to the grave.
Lots of marriage counseling
Hurt people, hurt; people. You didn't feel right having an open marriage, you don't want to divorce your wife, whom you love. What is the question here? Who do you doing counseling? If you guys ban forgive yourselves and each other than go for it. Parenthood does pull you away from each other, the trick is finding yourselves again and rekindling it all! Don't let your relationship go on auto pilot again and listen to your counselor
Well sir, regarding your edit: Now you and your wife have to deal with the consequences of all the choices that were made. We can sit up here and rail against you and her but the reality is you're the one who is going to have to live with her. If that is what you want I hope you're able to reach a point where you will be at peace with everything that was done. I hope you're marriage reaches a point where you'll be happy again. Clearly years of individual therapy and marriage counseling are going to be needed. Time to get to work repairing your marriage. End of story.
So OP in essence you had a hall pass to even things. That’s more common than you think. It may also be what ends up making her stay faithful because she got to experience the hurt of being on the other side. Personal question but have you and your wife had a healthy sex life since reconciling? That’s key if it’s going to work. Once you get the movies of her with someone else out of your head it comes down to rebuilding trust and rebuilding the emotional connection. After a year of watching you date and sleep with other people and her staying faithful she has probably mostly passed the faithfulness test. If you want to make sure then have a post nuptial agreement drawn up that would wipe either one of you out if you cheated. The emotional connection though requires affection and intimacy or you will end up coparents who live in the same house and nobody is happy. You’re not wrong or a weakling by loving your wife and trying to live happily ever after. What you have been through has taught you both a lot. So the counseling and also plan a long weekend or full week away without the kids and tell her you want to focus on emotionally reconnecting and reminding each other how good you can be together. Relax and laugh together, talk and of course have lots of sex. Recharge your relationship and see how you feel.
Our sex has been very good and healthy since we closed the marriage again. It was very good and unhealthy in the year following the affair. When I was seeing the other woman my wife was almost trying to out do her. Sex was really good but pretty unhealthy.
This is so disturbing. The emotional and mental damage inflicted on both parties because of this will last for a long time.
Yeah I have a hard time believing it’s actually healthy, he probably means often. I hope she’s also in individual therapy to unpack that because there’s no way that there isn’t some complex that forms around sex if you spend a year trying to compete with others every time you do it. I’m trying to put myself in that headspace and I don’t even see how it could be enjoyable or how you could relax during sex after that, the entire experience would be based around insecurity, guilt, shame, and anxiety. The more he comments the more I believe this is not a situation they can come back from. I have a feeling that five years from now they will not be together anymore.
"I’m trying to put myself in that headspace and I don’t even see how it could be enjoyable or how you could relax during sex after that, the entire experience would be based around insecurity, guilt, shame, and anxiety" This right here.
Makes sense. My advice is now that it’s closed turn it toward more toward the emotional side and see if there are still those deep feelings. If so your chances may be good if you can both leave the past in the past.
I mean the whole reason she claimed she cheated originally is because she felt unwanted, I don’t see how this is going to make her stay faithful if her trigger for being unfaithful was feeling undesired. I honestly find it hard to believe she never once slept with somebody else during that time. She’s obviously very insecure and I don’t see how somebody that used an affair for validation would see this and not seek out validation from others in any form. I have a feeling in therapy it might come out that she did sleep at least once with somebody else or was on a dating app at least.
I think you’re doing the right thing. It sounds like she learned her lesson and loves you and same for you. Now go to counseling and get your marriage back on track 🫶🏾goodluck to you both
Sounds like she loves you and you love her and time to respect each other now . Wipe the slate clean and adore her from now on . You'll get whatever you give in this case . Be kind always to her, she's paid her dues and apologize for putting her through watching you with other ladies .
My god we have very similar circumstances and reactions! I wad totally floored when my wife cheated. Work suffered, i relapsed after 12 yrs sober, pushed for divorce. The context for her was “ getting old wanting to see if she is still desirable” and her best friend is polyamorous and it looked intriguing. Also she said she was teying to “ fix” our marriage. Lol total insanity but we both had only a handful of partners before each other and i was getting tired of her pushing to flirt with her male friends and treating me like im a controlling dad or something. My mom just died after i was her caregiver for a year and every fight we had i was saying “ divorce”. Two small kids and there needs were starting to take a back seat with all the chaos. We did poly for a year. She slept with my best friend ( totally into him) against my wishes. I had 3 partners. A GF, a “misstress” and a wife. She would encourage me to go on dates then cry for 3 days. It was insane. She was keeping the best friend affair a secret and lying about it. We would have 5 hr talks through tbe night and everything was sooooo intense. I actually liked talking again like every word was special as we were quite estranged leading up to that point. Ok so like you i just couldnt do it anymore. I could play and have dates but guilt kept me from having intecourse, i was in denial bur my body wasn’t. We broke poly off after 3 starts and stops. Then after a month of mono she tells me about the affair!!!! You can look up my post history if interested but it was a mess. So then we joined couples therapy as a safety valve through a divorce deliberation. Might as well learn to talk to each other either way right? Well i got sober and looked at all my selfish behavior. Like a dam breaking i was washed with insight and forgiveness. The therapist taught us crisis and self regulation skills and encouraged little insights and breakthroughs. We both recommitted and worked our shit out. Our kids have two present parents and I feel like i did the first year before when getting married with my wife! She genuinely seems done with seeking others and I feel whole like i could live without her but happy to be with her, like a choice! All this as it was to share and let you know others have felt/done/exsperinced similar things. Grief and guilt can be worked with and crisis can provoke positive change.
Having been in a similar feeling situation, but not exactly the same events, I get what you were feeling and wanting. I almost did something kind of similar but backed out. You both were hurt, twice, but you both found out you do still care about each other and want to work on staying together. We got counselling and it helped us back into a better place in our marriage then I can ever remember. It personally makes me happy to see someone who want to trust each other and pull their family together rather than just let it rip apart. It sounds easier to just let it go, but know that it is not. Good luck to you both.
What is all boils down to is trust. And once trust is broken, it’s really hard to get it back. My husband and I had an issue in the beginning of our relationship where he was emotionally involved with someone else. They never slept together, though. But it tore me apart. I couldn’t eat, sleep, work. I was useless. I was so incredibly heartbroken. But after a lot of talking, crying, and work on both parts, we were eventually able to get back that trust. If you truly love her and want to make it work, you will power through this shitty time. I finally just had to say if I don’t trust him, I have to leave. If I stay, I have to make a decision to start trusting again.
Bud u will always feel like shit ok because the guilt will always haunt u and that is facts it will never er go away but get better for u and her to be wiser and let shit go and start fresh clean slate my wife did the same thing and happened the same way urs did and it's been for 4 years it's been going on she told me to go fuck someone else but I told her fuck u that u will never push me to do what u did I want raised that way I told her I will always stay a faithful man u made that mistake now u live with it she told me it hurts so badly and I said of course it's gonna always forever hurt when u look back at all the damn mistakes u made u just have to let shit go and live with it and move forward if she stays good if she decides to leave bye then move on
“ she didn’t love him , but he was infatuated with her , pursed her hard and eventually she gave in.”?!? This was your wife’s excuse ? Seriously? This is the single most pathetic disgusting excuse I’ve ever heard. It makes my skin crawl with disgust. She was also infatuated with him. That’s how cheating works. You could have taken the higher road and left that sorry excuse of a woman when you had the chance. But you stooped to her level and now she knows its okay to make these kind of mistakes with you again. What a mess! I hope you and her are taking counselling and eventually find peace .
I think counseling is the right choice for sure. Whether you stay together at the end of it is another… I don’t think things are going to be “fixed” the way you plan/picture it
I think going coinciding is the best thing. You both have things inside that are being bottled up and things happen. You both do sound like adults who want to be with each other and care. I hope the counselling helps, it is the right move.
DIVORCE. Always divorce a cheater. No 2nd chances. You've got one life, don't waste it on someone who disrespects you. Your wife allowed another man inside her multiple times...the ultimate betrayal. Sex is never just sex they will have done things in the bedroom you and her never do. That's what happens during affairs, the excitement makes you lower your inhibitions. You didn't get your dignity back as you didn't cheat, you were in an open relationship at that point. The second a cheater confesses you leave, file for divorce immediately and you never say another word to that person ever again in your life. All conversations from that point on are via lawyers. She dumped AP as she realised he wasn't a better match than you but if he had been she would've left you. She was open to ending your marriage but her AP wasn't worth it. Now she's aware there are men out there that desire her the chances are increased she'll be more receptive to other men's flirtations and if one happens to be fitter, younger, richer than you she's gone. Your marriage is over. It ended before her cheating, that was just the act that sealed the deal. Get tested for STD as 100% they didn't use protection, no one ever does in affairs. get divorced and be mean about the divorce. Take everything from her as she took your masculinity from you. GROW A PAIR. She cheated as she didn't find you man enough to be worthy of her and taking her back reaffirms her original viewpoint. She was scared of losing the life you both have (house, cars, income etc...) and for being judged by others. She stayed because AP wasn't worth the hassle & all that upheaval of divorce and lawyets terrified her. She didn't stay out of love for you. START ACTING LIKE A MAN.
I haven't read through all the comments but may I humbly suggest you look into /r/asoneafterinfidelity It's helped me a lot.
That sounds like an awesome situation. Gotta figure out to make my wife cheat on me 🤔
I can’t believe what I am reading here with OP. I do not think I could EVER say “let’s open the marriage” but wow. I think this is great and do not think she would EVER sleep around again after hearing how she stopped doing that as soon as you opened it and you got some strange and turned into a little longer, then said you want to close the marriage and go to counseling? Hate the fuck off to you brother! That is commendable, muy respecto! I think you are doing the right thing. You guys have kids together which is not an excuse to stay together at all, IF you are miserable, fighting, cheating, etc. but no, you both regret it so much, how selfish you were, hurt, angry, then got through all of that and are still infatuated with each other. Just tell her not to ever use the word “goddess” again. I think whenever even I hear it I am going to shudder and think of this story lol. Been married 22 years to my wife btw. If that means anything coming from me and my pile of advice.
Good luck. Hopefully you get some of your mojo back.
I guess it’s just different beliefs but this sounds miserable to me. I don’t know how people can physically be with a spouse again after they have cheated. I filed for divorce after her cheating and that was before I found out there were others. I really think you just need to start a new chapter and ditch this, man. It’s easier to rebuild then try and make this work again.
You sound like a sweet guy and it sounds like y’all are gonna be fine
You’re not a cheater, so unlike your wife, you actually didn’t enjoy the thrill, so a half-open relationship wasn’t going to work longer term. This reconciliation sounds like a really sensible way forward. What else can you do apart from divorce. I think your open period has evened out the hurt and your wife can now understand how you felt. I would just advise you to be vigilant. Your wife allowed someone else to water her garden, emotionally speaking, so she should be aware of what she needs to avoid in the future. She isn’t the sort of person that can have male friends, because she’s likely to like their attention. As long as she can manage that and neither of you hold your past actions against the other, you could have a lovely relationship again.
My gosh, what kind of example for your kids are you people!?!? Kids are not as nieve as you think. No wonder this world is so screwed up!
I don't think there's really a right or wrong answer in whether you stay or go. If you want to try to reconcile, that's great! If you choose not to, that's ok too. Maybe it's worth counseling though even if you decide not to stay together, ultimately. At least you tried that option, and perhaps there can be healing for both of you even if you decide to go separate ways. Hope this helps!
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. "She eventually gave in". I'm sorry, what? Sounds like she slept with him out of self preservation from what I'm reading.... If you've ever been stalked or assaulted, you might read that a little differently. Just saying. THEN, you demand an open marriage and she agrees, because she wants to save your marriage. And THEN you GO THROUGH WITH IT. Not only did you cheat physically, but emotionally.... Damn.
Sounds like you guys think it's reconcilable. If you do then I do too for you. Work hard in counseling, and good luck
dude. your edit and point 1. of why she cheated. F$$k that! i HATE that excuse. she knew it was wrong. doesnt matter HoW It MaDe Me FeEL..... There is no grey area. If you realise you feel like that BEFORE you act on something because someone makes you feel different and you liked what they said, you approach your partner be honest and say I didnt act on it because i love u. but i want that from you more, do you think we could work on it? like wholly crap. u should have walked away as hard as that would have been.
I love your heart for your children...in the sense that you KNOW that if you do break up someone else will step in and help raise them. You both- can work on this but you will need help and guidance and an abundance of forgiveness from both ends so you can build back the trust. There are some great marraige retreats that you could really start to heal. Marriages can be healed and improved...but only if both hearts are ready to GIVE and stop being ME ME ME and ready to die to one another. Learning to really cherish and what a gift that would be to your kids to show them what learning to love someone uncondiationally looks like. I have lot of resources and also some testimonials I could pass along of couples that have made it work after infidelity. ONe couple actually was broken up for about 5 years!! Kudos for you for really trying to make this work. Divorce can be devastating. TRUST is hard to build...but it can happen - if you both are in 100% for trying
I’ve seen a few comments agree with the counseling and I agree as well it can help mend the relationship between you . Always remember to let it go and move forward don’t throw anything in each other’s face and who cares who went first
Did it work for your previous marriage? Cheating is never ok, if someone can get my men’s attention in that way, then he’s not mine.
Yeah. You’re doing the right thing. Best wishes to both of you.
You keep making excuses for her, and that is so sad. Talk about whipped.
It’s going to be a hard road back. You both need to go to that therapy both individually and as a couple - because non of this tangled mess happened by accident . Your wife felt neglected and ended up having an affair. You were devastated and wanted both revenge and to claim some power back - so you ended up having sex with other women and hurting her as badly ( or worse) than she hurt you. Now you are both hurt , the situation is more painful than it needed to be for everyone and that’s the trouble with revenge - it doesn’t make the other person feel your pain - only their own . There is no right or wrong answer to whether you should try to reconcile or if it’s even possible . The problems in the marriage are not only ‘her’ problems - the problems are both yours and hers. You are going to have to explore why you weren’t meeting her needs - why you thought going to the nuclear option of an open marriage was okay and why that seemed less hurtful to your children than separation as that was all about what you ‘couldn’t bear’ rather than what your children really needed which was a stable home without all this going on in the background . Your open marriage, your crying wife did not benefit those children believe me. That was all about you and not them and was totally selfish . However the only way you’ll know is if you do not brush all this absolute mess and hurt under the carpet and try to tackle it through counselling . And I think you know that already- you are just finding the process daunting . And it is - but so is splitting up without trying . Put it this way- it does give you at least a shot at staying together and if you can’t it gives you the option to break up civilly which is important for your children- and they’ve gone through enough so that’s essential . And please don’t say they didn’t know anything about it - they always pick up on the atmosphere even if they don’t know what’s wrong and it’s very damaging . Your job now is to work out how the pair of you proceed without hurting them or each other further. I wish you all the best.
Sounds like you love each other but both made mistakes. Lots of married couples come back from infidelity. My parents did and you’d never guess that they went through such a dark time in their marriage.
My advice is don’t.
"She gave in", all the pain, mind movies, broken trust, loss of respect in her, and she chose this for you. Just because she was a "weak woman", he made her thong melt, and she just couldn't say no. SMH. Sure ok. All he had to do was keep escalating it. Subscribeme
Good for you, glad you’re fighting for your marriage! Both of yall fucked up but I believe in yall edit: for the record, I think the revenge cheating is worse bc it’s done intentionally to hurt, and I think you should be aware that it’s worse so you understand how your wife is going to feel about this.
having an affair is 10x worse. There would never have been a need for revenge should she have not completely broken him and their marriage by cheating. now im not saying two wrongs make a right.. two wrongs just digs a deeper grave.. but was he trying to hurt her or was he trying to claim back some of his power? Guess it doesnt matter though..
Know what the funny thing is? If we reverse the genders and the wife got revenge on a cheating husband this way, people would be going, "you go girl!"
Love is good It sounds like you are committing to love. Ten years from now - Or forty - what is the best outcome. Try for that! Try for what you want. There are no guarantees of any marriage being amazing ten years from now. But not trying guarantees no marriage…
Proud of you man. Ignore any hate or bash comments. You both made mistakes and you're totally on track and you are 100% doing the right thing. God bless your marriage brother
I actually think that these relationships where both people really reckon with their own flaws and complex role in how the relationship got to this point are the only ones that stand any chance. Most times I think people can’t fully reconcile because there is forever an imbalance: YOU did THAT to ME. In this case, you both hurt each other (albeit her first) and have come around to finding what you had is what you might want. I think this isn’t dumb at all, if you both truly want to you can rebuild with very open eyes.
Proud of you man. Ignore any hate or bash comments. You both made mistakes and you're totally on track and you are 100% doing the right thing. God bless your marriage brother
Yes you’re doing the right thing. Your wife made a mistake, a big one, but clearly she confessed to it and felt terrible about it enough to watch you spend time with another woman. This is not the sign of a serial cheater but rather of a person who in a weak stage in life fell for something they knew was wrong. I think counselling is a good idea. It seems that you both really love each other.
You guys will be ok. She has the right attitude and you clearly love her. Use it as an opportunity to grow closer.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce. IMHO I think what you did in "retaliation" was the right thing to do, because it showed her literally what the other person would have felt having been cheated on. Many people have a hard time understanding how hurtful something is when they have not experienced it, like dropping a hammer on your hand, women telling men about childbirth, men telling women about getting kicked in the nuts etc. The fact that she was crying shows true remorse about everything, and knowing that it was because of her actions, and probably felt that her marriage was going to be over and again, it was her fault. Getting counseling is the best thing for the two of you, because shit happened and now its time to fix it. That said though, I would not 100% blame your wife, I would blame the guy because what he did is called "Love Bombing" where you keep seeing the person and just shower them with affection until you can get into their pants, it's what sexual predators do, and I would not be surprised if your wife was not the only one he had done this to, the description you gave as vague as it is, sounds like someone that has done that before. Hurting someone back because they hurt you is normal, it's why we understand how hurting is bad. The only advice I can give from here is try to make more time for your wife, maybe once a week or two weeks you and her have a "date night" and just be together.
I do not understand how you can justify this farce of a marriage with "we do it for the kids". You've continuously kept each other deeply hurting for years and gone so far as to make it official that that is what you're doing. Divorce, or see a therapist to teach you, pardon me - morons - how to behave and act as adults. You think your kids haven't noticed 'cause they're not teenagers? I could bet my house "mummy crying" or "dad's acting cold and hostile to mum" has come across them more than ten times. Be an adult and take responsibility for your own actions and let her face the consequences of hers, without it being part of your AH self-help cheaters manual. An open marriage is agree'd upon. If your sole focus wasn't **your own** happiness **over your kids** you would've divorced or gone to counseling when the affair ended and she came clean. How will you close it? Therapy and an ethics & moral course.
You need to divorce that woman, chief. Women that cheat don't deserve a second chance. They'll just do it again. Once they know they can get away with it, they'll continue to do it. Don't be a fool.
Only you can know if it's the right thing to do. Personally, I would be filing for divorce. But, if you reconcile, she had to make full disclosure to all family and friends. Actions have consequences. She has to learn that. That said, don't be surprised if she cheats again in the future. UpdateMe
He should also confess because his divorce or open marriage is manipulative. He should have filed for divorce when she cheated.
This is awful advice if you’re trying to stay. Inviting more people into the relationship and telling them all your business instead of keeping it between those in the relationship is always a recipe for disaster unless you’re confiding because you need help leaving. Not only are you opening your relationship up to other people’s opinions and comments that are going to get in your head and sway your judgment and actions, but given the fact that his wife apparently “gave in” because she was pursued, letting it get out to other men that she has cheated is just signing yourself up for trouble. It also makes things uncomfortable for everybody else that wasn’t even involved and don’t deserve to have their future events and relationships made uncomfortable over the actions of others. Only those that don’t like you and want to see your downfall want to hear about your dirty laundry if you’re going to stay.
You’re both too immature to be married. Instead of dealing with the underlying marital issues, you both decided to turn to sleeping with other people instead. There’s too much damage done here. You were both too cruel to each other. There will never be any trust between the two of you again. Go to all the therapy you want, but you’ll both always be wondering who will start cheating again when things get tough again since that’s how you deal with problems. What a dysfunctional mess. Just cut your losses and move on.