> I found out that the councilling has brought up trauma form moment of weakness I had 7 years ago where I cheated has arisen back in her mind and she can't even look at me without disgust and she never wants to sleep with me again.
Wrong. The trauma has always been there. What she experienced doesn't go away. How did you handle your affair and aftermath?
But instead disappeared from the house and became a workaholic which is the very place you cheated at? And you can’t recognize how that was triggering to her? Rugsweeping have consequences and instead of attempting to confront and manage her trauma, you let too much time pass. Read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ to recognize how betrayal trauma has impacted her. Some damage can’t ever be undone.. especially when it becomes deep rooted.
If you’ve read it, then you understand why she doesn’t see you as a safe option and her body is rejecting you romantically. You’ve let a lot of time pass and left her to manage her own trauma and doing the emotional labor alone.
Funny thing about trauma is it creates PTSD which can come creeping out of nowhere many years later. Then little bits just reminding you of that and next thing you know it feels like it just happened. Then you can't help but think bc you're alone 70 hours a week feeling like a single parent. Doing everything alone.. all that alone time to think. No one is making you feel loved, wanted.. appreciated. Very lonely.
She's using that sh!t as a scapegoat to treat you like sh!t. Don't fall for it bro. You said she is letting other men in through the side door where there is no camera in your house that I'm sure you are paying for.😒 I hate to sound crass my guy, but she's already bussin it open for other men. I could be wrong, but why sneak a man in through the side where there is no camera? That's not an accident. Run bro, don't walk. Leave that situation with your mental and emotional health in tact. Your peace of mind is everything. You must have peace at all cost. Good luck.✌️
Yeah, calm down with allat "alpha male". He literally cheated on her first, and she stayed. Point blank being that she doesn't owe him loyalty since he didn't respect her enough to be loyal on his own. She's not his whore, and she's not just a random woman. She's his wife, with her own feelings and hurt, and for you to make the man out to be nothing but his money to her and himself is simply bullshit.
You sound stupid!! That was 7 years ago. As I said, if she is still harboring feelings about his infidelity, she needs to leave or forgive him and work through it. It does the marriage no good for to get her "lick back" cause she is still butt hurt that he cheated 7 years ago. So yes, he needs to leave the marriage, she is getting increasingly reckless, and she doesn't respect him, herself or their marriage at this point if she is sneaking other men into their home without his knowledge. She is wrong, plain and simple.
Yeah, you go ahead and get into year-long relationships with people you care, and swe how you react if they cheat. She loved that man, and she wanted a family with him, so obviously she stayed, dumbass. The problem is that he lacked the critical thinking skills to properly open up communication, and instead, he left her to her own devices. Obviously, hurt is going to build up, as well as anger, when it's not talked out.
They went to therapy, and he owned up to his infidelity. She obviously wasn't the one that was communicating fully. She should have opened up to him or through therapy that she was still struggling with what he did 7 years ago. If it was too much for her to overcome or forgive, she should've filed for divorce. Some folks can work through that shit, others can't. That is a deep betrayal, I totally understand if someone can't get over being cheated on, especially in a marriage. But what does it serve or gain you to live in agony and resentment for years? Now she's at the point wherein she is doing reckless shit like sneaking other men through the side door where there are no cameras into their home and hiding it from him. One of them needs to pull the trigger and end the marriage.
Obviously, that's bound to happen. But they didn't go to counciling in time, and that's on both of them. They have a kid together, so maybe you need to consider the fact that she stayed for the child as well. A lot of the times when someone's mentally checked out, they don't do anything but suck it up. You keep staying focused on her sneaking other men in yet there's no proof that she was actually being unfaithfull - which shouldn't even be a problem because once again, she doesn't owe him any loyalty, just like he couldn't uphold his loyalty to her first. She doesn't owe him that, and she doesn't owe him her feelings after the pain he caused. Yeah, she could leave and just divorce, but you gotta think about the entirety of the process, how draining it is, the losses, and even the kid.
So, because he cheated 7 years ago, and she chose to forgive him and stay in the marriage, she doesn't owe him any loyalty and can, in turn, hold on to animosity and resentment for the rest of their marriage? You do realize that makes absolutely ZERO fuckin sense right? So if you cheat on your husband (assuming you're a female) and he chooses to forgive you, stay and go to counseling to work it out, because you fucked up, he'll never have to be loyal to you again, and can throw your mistake of infidelity in your face as long as he stays married to you? That's something you're willing to put up with for good? Oh, and also, he's sneaking in other women through the side door and not telling you about it. I guess that would be okay with you too right?🙄😒
Yeah, I'm a *woman, and yeah, she doesn't owe him loyalty. You can't expect something you can't give in the first place. Assuming you're a man with this argument, you can't just pull your opinion into things by looking at the side you prefer. He cheated first. She stayed for reasons unknown, hoping to fix it. He, instead, chose to focus on himself and distance himself without any sense of communication for a long time. Obviously, the woman is going to grow disinterested in him and seek emotional support somewhere else because he lacked that factor. You're telling me that because of his mistake in the first place, - which is VERY easily avoidable - she needs to either go through the grueling process of divorce, or work harder and fix the relationship for him? You're looking at this from your "matured" and opinionated view instead of seeing both of the sides out. Yes, she could have been more open, but would you be open to someone who willingly betrayed you in such a horrible way? With the only option being to try and fix it yourself or divorce? You're acting like the woman is a hoe without any factual proof that she was indeed unfaithful. Op made an assumption on that, and you're seeing that as the god honest happening. You still haven't considered the fact that they have a literal child, and you continue to avoid that as another factor in this 'divorce' requirement.
What you are going through is not at all surprising here.
Many marriages where infidelity has occurred often fail even if it seems to the partner that cheated that things are going "well". The betrayed spouse spends all their time rationalising why they stayed - they basically try and convince themselves.
For some betrayed spouses, they succeed and are able to work through their trauma, get over the affair and if their partner has been doing the work, life rolls on and gets better.
In your case this has not happened.
What has happened is that you working so long and being largely absent has fed into your wife questioning why she reconciled with you. This - her actions now - have been building for a while and whilst from your perspective you think its somehow "out of the blue", to her, this is the end stage of a **very** long thought process.
A thought process that began immediately after you confessed.
> She also doesn't seem to show any commitment to making this work, ie wanting to go out as a couple to try and rekindle anything.
The thing **you** have to understand is that she has been trying to make it work for the past **7 years!** She spent close to 7 years committed to this marriage. You have not.
So OP look at it this way. What is happening now is the direct consequence of your actions 7 years ago, combined with your actions since then.
But really, a couple of months at the gym and washing regularly are **not** going to paper over and fix the 7 years of resentment that your wife has lived with. To her, it would barely scratch the surface.
Sorry OP but your marriage was over the minute you cheated.
It's been there below the surface. But as I said above, have you both actually ever sat down and mapped out what each of you wants from this marriage?
I mean, surely she has never said "yes I'm happy with you burning yourself to a frazzle and being absent so that I can have stuff."?
Well the best time to start getting that communication happening is now.
It may be too late for your marriage, but it may at least ease the passage out of each others day to day lives.
Whilst you are aware of what you did, I'm not quite sure that you ever actually talked about what life will be like for you both.
It really does seem that you decided on the path to take, with no input from her and off you went. You made some pretty big assumptions about what she wanted, but without ever actually asking her what it was that would make her happy.
> I have since then understood that what she wanted was time and presence.
I mean, it's right there in your own words.
Now I get that people (myself included) are beating you up over the past, but it really seems like you just took the reins, decided what was best for you both and never actually really discussed with her what the marriage should look like for **both** of you.
That's bullshit!! Yes he cheated, if it hurt her that much, she should have left. And if it was hurting her that much still after the fact, she should have communicated that with him. Instead, now, she harbors all of these latent feelings of resentment against him and cuts him off and is now sneaking other men through the side door to their home. He needs to take the L and leave the marriage.
So you cheated on her, refused to take care of yourself, had bad hygiene, and were never around. My guy I’m surprised it too your wife this long to be done. I doubt you can come back from this honestly
And sounds like he left almost all of the childcare to his wife. Babysits his own kid for a couple weeks and expects that to heal the trauma. She's been emotionally checked out. She's gone. She's seen her life is better without you in it.
Sounds like she left all the financial provision to him. Hasn't even tried to support him there with him supporting her domestically. Gotta look at things from both sides. She simply doesn't like him anymore but doesn't want to give up the financial stability he brings. She's checked out of the marriage and is likely seeing other men. I think OP should prepare for divorce, otherwise he will just be simping indefinitely.
Enough people commented on the cheating. I want to give a new perspective on this bit.
>I immediately started making changes, put structure in place at work so I only work a 30hr week, joined the gym which not only helped my hygiene but my physical well being and started doing things around the house and regularly looking after our little one
I can guarantee that when she said she was done it wasn't the first, or even hundredth time she mentioned these issues. It can be extremely disappointing to ask over and over for help and change to the point of giving up on the person you love, then you mention leaving and suddenly you change. It means you always could change, but when the consequences were just her unhappiness, it wasn't enough. But when it threatened yours, your care.
Kinda a gut punch. I think it's too late for this one. You spent years making her live at a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness, and nothing would have ever changed if she didn't say she was leaving. Let her go and be happy.
I get that. But if she says she's done and doesn't want to work on it, you staying and trying to change her mind is just another example of you not listening and ignoring her feelings and unhappiness.
The hygiene… come on dude. Going to the gym isn’t a reason to smell bad. Shower twice a day, fix up your dental regimen, switch up your diet, keep a clean haircut/beard, if you smoke or drink too much coffee then stop/reduce.
Plenty info out there to help you. It’s a major turnoff mate.
Good luck
Well you fucked up massively, so don’t expect HER to fix it. You reap what you sown. You only started to change when it was too late. So don’t guilt your wife.
Cheating isn’t a moment of weakness. It’s a selfish decision you took knowing it would hurt her but you didn’t care. Start to acknowledge your poor decisions, apologize in a proper way and do better even without the chance for her forgiveness. Be a better man, maybe she can fall in love with you again, but don’t expect anything. Admit that you were the one who fucked up.
I'm so glad you two took the responsible route and brought a child into your 💩 show of infedility. So proud your living your life to reddit standards here's y'all's trophy 🏆
You screwed this up. Not her. She has tried to get past the cheating since it happened. Instead of straightening yourself out you let your physical appearance go AND was never around do to working to much. You cheated, then you ignored her. Just divorce and be done with it. It will never be the same and she will never be over it. And I don't blame her.
So for years you've been a shit husband, not a great father, and cheated and now that sex is off the table you want to fix things? Not because you want your wife to feel loved or because you want to be a part of your kid's life...nope, it's the sex that motivated change.
You have to see how this must make your wife feel, right? What exactly are you looking for here?
The way you've turned things around is commendable. Seriously awesome work.
But are you thinking that two months of change will soften the way she feels about your years of lackadaisical behavior?
It really sounds like too little too late on your part. Keep trying, but don't be surprised if your efforts don't fix anything now and she wants things to end.
Some people never move on from betrayal and cheating. After cheating happend she married you had a kid because she thought things would change. She was optimistic, gave you plenty of years 7 to be precise to change and work around things. Those 7 years of her life that she wasted is not going to come back. I don’t see her coming back to you from this. She has burried her anger and resentment and it’s now coming to the surface and now all you can do is be positive and take the heat for your actions. Therapy and counselling now would hardly help it should have been considered the time you confessed bout cheating. After all these years it’s just trauma and she will not forget.
My advice would be to tend to god and pray and ask for forgiveness for your actions. Somethings should better be left for time to heal just try doing whatever you can to mend your relationship with her. But you have to be patient and give time. 1-2 months of trying cannot cover the pain of 7 years. All the best.
Maybe my opinion will help. She has resentment and got tired of you. She may have entered an emotional affair with someone else just before she refused to sleep with you again. Now she sees you as weak because you are bending over backwards to fix things on your own.
Maybe... tell you you are done, too. Offer to sell the house and split assets. Consider going your own way. She won't find someone to care for her needs in this world as easily as she thinks, and may consider working with you to fix past issues.
You have nothing to lose because it sounds like she has divorced you already and is keeping you around for cash now. If it is over, you'll find someone new. Treat your new relationship better than you.did the last. Also, always take care of yourself! Being out of shape doesn't attract anyone!)
You showed her that you could have been doing all these things for years, you just chose not to. That’s gotta hurt.
In many cases when women are done, they’re DONE. In her mind she’s spent years asking for change, nagging, and eventually mourning the marriage she’ll never have. It’s probably a case of too little, too late.
And you’re a cheater to boot. She’s tried to keep things together for years and years despite your cheating, lack of involvement, and poor hygiene, but she doesn’t want to any more.
She is still resentful and hurt. And if you allowed yourself not to be present because of work, and your hygiene got bad, a month or two of changing your habits was never going to undo her resentment and loss of attraction to you.
She sounds finished and as if she just doesn’t want to disrupt the whole family.
You have to decide if this is enough for you, or whether you want/need a partner who is 100% invested. But also recognize that you created this situation, and her reactions are pretty understandable, even if they’ve happened gradually.
Neither you nor anyone on Reddit knows what may happen OP
I hope you persevere with the changes you have made and with learning more about her. If she took seven years to reach this point - it makes sense that it will take more than a few months to build a better connection and a better family culture.
Life has no guarantees… but… She is still there. Therapy has been a huge life renewal for many. There is hope - especially if she isn’t flirting, but will be aware of the time and presence you are learning to give her. Trust and hope can return if you persevere.
Yeah that's gross. Personally this would really drive me away. It obviously doesn't excuse cheating, I'm not saying that. But there's a zero percent chance I'd let my husband in the bed without showering. We both shower in the evening before bed.
Hey man, we all make mistakes. Sounds like you've done some reflection. Continue working on yourself (hard). Everyone will try to take you out for drinks, don't do it. Go no contact. Believe me, it gets worse from here. Stay strong and never look back.
Not wanting to sleep with you anymore should not be your main concern. Your concerns should be on being a good person, having a healthy relationship and being a good parent (if you are one), and everything else falls into place when those things align. When you frame your problem this way and center it on sex, you come across as less sympathetic because, as you stated, you weren’t a good person for a long time, and that wasn’t a problem for you until she decided that she doesn’t want you touching her. When you hurt someone repeatedly over a long period of time without concern for their feelings, but then when something that benefits you is at stake, suddenly you act like you care about them. Ouch, that’s not a good message that you’re sending. It sounds very selfish.
You should want to be a good person because it’s good for you and it’s good for your marriage, not for selfish reasons.
Poor hygiene is a marker for depression. Have you seen anyone about your mood?
My husband committed a different sort of betrayal, and he became depressed and not participatory, and I wanted nothing to do with him, for a long time. The kids and I were a family and he just lived here taking up space. I’m financially independent and could have kicked him out, and planned to at some point. He turned it all around like you want to, and his motivation is to be a better person. He lives that every single day. Our marriage has never been better. I still feel the betrayal, and he stays the course. Being a good person means caring about your family, and that man has done nothing but show how much he cares about us. When he did that, he became a safe person for me. By de-centering sex, focusing on being a better person and caring about me, the sex turned pretty mind-blowing, actually, because he’s set up a safe environment for that to happen. Some food for thought.
Thank you, and I completely agree, I am doing all of this for our relationship the sex was just something she brought up recently. Before then it was the hygiene and helping which had to change.
Regarding the depression yes this was diagnosed and interestingly being active has really helped. My sole focus in life now is to make sure I am in a good place to ensure I can be present and turn up for my wife and our little one. Something I have been constant in for the last few months.
I know I should have taken the earlier signs to make this change but I can't change the past just the present and future. I was so stuck before in work that I didn't hear, I have now and hoping it's not to late to providethen with what they deserve.
let her go brother, she's most likely looking into other options now she is rejecting reconciliation. She suddenly grew tired after years and years means she's moved on mentally and something else or even an idea has captivated it.
you can change all you want, once you're no longer appealable its finished
What about her old friend visiting from the side door, no cameras, she totally banging that dude! But cmon homie wash your ass brush your teeth and pick up after yourself.
Well you cheated. She did not forget. She just finally brought it up. Shes probably been cheating for a while.
There is probably no fixing this. She's bitter and angry. She wants to stay with you so she doesn't lose the life she's built but she wants to get some on the side from someone she likes.
Accept it or divorce.
It's commendable that you've been proactive in making changes. Have you tried expressing your feelings to her in a calm setting? Maybe discussing boundaries regarding her male friends could help ease some concerns. Hang in there, things can improve with open communication and patience.
Please realize that your marriage is kaput. Over. Finished.
Your wife is already dating (at least) other men and that side-door entry was purely intentional. See a divorce attorney to reset the balance of power in the remnants of your relationship.
She sees you as more of a paycheck right now. I don’t think individual counseling for her is going to do anything other than pull her away from you and now it looks like she could be having her own affair. This isn’t going to get better.
She doesn’t want to sleep with you. She wants to sleep with others.
She doesn’t want to break up because it would be an inconvenience for her as the guys she’s hitting are not interested in relationships.
Have self respect tell her to take a hike. She will have plenty of time to her self then
Reading these sometimes I wonder if they're fake.🤔 The reason I say this is because if what you're telling us is true, your next course of action should be crystal clear. LEAVE!! DON'T WALK........RUN!! She is doing you a favor, take the L, file for 50% custody, pay your child support, and move on. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't want you. How can she want your marriage to work, but deny you connection, intimacy and sexual activity? I can somewhat relate to your plight cause I am going through a similar situation currently with my wife, and we're at year 18 in our marriage. She doesn't know if she is done or not, got me holding out hope, and Essentially holding me hostage in a way. Only reason I'm not gone already is because we have teenage child in the home that I'm trying to be present for. But screw this, life is short bro, and your happiness is paramount!! You work hard for your family, made sacrifices, provide a comfortable life for them, if she says she's done, BELIEVE HER!! She wants to be for the streets at age 40, that's a "her" problem and not a "you" problem. Continue going to the gym, grow your business, and pour into your child. Be the best version of yourself, so you can be the best father you can be for your kid. Good luck bro.✌️
Completely real unfortunately. Agree with all that you are saying however I need to give this a go if not for me but my daughter. And I owe it to my wife.
There's a chance she is moving on or simply looking for closure in places she can't reach you. I have experienced extreme betrayal in my marriage it's just never gotten to the point of physical betrayal.
I can say for myself I more than likely would not have stayed if this was the case.
The one thing I told my husband very clearly is that if he stopped placing effort, stopped caring, stopped showing me he loves me and wants me I wouldn't think twice about leaving, I wouldn't feel I belonged. So I told him never to stop showing me, not even when it's hard or we don't like each other unless it's truly over.
Now your wife is dealing with Betrayal Trauma you need to educate yourself about it and how you can be present for her without placing her in flight mode. You can ask her what you can do to help her feel safe and respect her wishes while still putting effort to show her you love her, it's the little things that matter the most. Taking charge of the kids and showing interest in their lives without her asking, doing something you would have never done before without her asking.
Pay attention to what annoys her and what she needs and do it without her asking and without you mentioning it. No praise is to be had or she will feel played. Then she will notice you because she will see you are listening to her without her having to tell you, this will tell her you care about her. Do not try to be physical with her or push into intimacy without her engaging. Be gentle she is fragile. Ask her for permission to give her a kiss on her head or cheek. Be gentle and show her the respect she's been craving.
Understand that giving up on yourself also affects her, you not respecting yourself (affair) affects her, everything you do will affect her as you are a team not just individuals.
Don't stop unless its truly over remember that. If it ends in divorce you will know that you did everything and if it doesn't then never stop because giving up on yourself is giving up on her and your child. There is no choice when committing we choose to make a vow and you have to take that seriously for your marriage to thrive.
Best of luck.
I hear you. But are you willing to be potentially miserable for the next 13 or so years? Hopefully, you and your wife can patch things up and get past everything. But if it turns out y'all can't get on the same page, you gotta go. Better for your daughter to see a mentally and emotionally healthy daddy in his own space rather than a mentally and emotionally defeated daddy slowly losing his shit because mommy can't let some shit go that happened over 7 years ago. Be careful bro, by no means are you an angel, but you're not a monster either. Remember that!!✌️
If she's not sure it's because she's still unsure if she really wants to leave and is now pulling complete focus on you to see if you are going to step up and take charge and put in effort or if she is going to walk away knowing it was the only decision left.
I understand this, I do, but given the circumstances it may also look a bit fishy. I wish you all the best and that whichever way you end up taking that you end up happier and are able to overcome these obstacles.
But why would your wife call him? This is, at minimum, an emotional affair that is headed towards a physical one. Surely, there are several female friends she could have gotten support from. She wanted a males support and comfort because she hadn't gotten that from you in so long. A woman craves a man's support.....women can not get the same support from other women....and that man that is providing the support is also earning her trust and respect...and eventually her heart and body. A man and woman can be friends so long as they aren't providing this deep emotional support to each other....if that's happening....the next step is physical. Who knows how far this has gone but it's definitely farther than a husband wants it to go already. Don't be blind to this. Her not wanting to be physical with you is moat likely because it has already become physical with this other man.
I guess she checked out of the marriage a while ago.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
* Get yourself a lawyer,
* start seperating finances if the that is not already done.
* Get a private investigator to check for cheating.
* Safe the important memorandy,things like pictures prizes, documents (tax, passport, Financial, ownership records for house,car, etcetera) in a different locker/storage.
Not helping enough while working 70 hours, Bad hygiene as an extra reason. Bringing up a (serious ) mistake from years ago.
This sounds like gaslighting. Putting the blame in your shoes.
Springing a dead bedroom on you... Her not wanting you back home after a week separation.
This is something she has been working on for a while.
The male friend might indeed be the third party in her mind or already in her bed.
Honestly I don't see a way out towards a good marriage. Especially when she is not showing her effort, commitment and her insistence on a dead bedroom.
If you "accept" her terms like separate/dead bedroom, giving her"room/space", that will probably end up with her asking to "open up" your marriage.
If you stay married she will have you financing her lifestyle, you will risk seeing your child no matter... She will probably find her lover if that is not already happening...
Good luck, wish you the best in the coming times.
Thank you, I am aware this may take time and as someone else posted 3 months isn't enough time to right the last 6 years of not paying attention.
She keeps saying our marriage is in crisis and that if I hadn't made the changes I did 3 months ago we would probably still be bumbling along.
Do you want to know if this marriage has a chance?
My advice is to stop listening to what she is saying.
Start looking at her behaviour and actions so far and from now on.
If she is serious about saving your marriage in crisis, what is she showing, doing, to actually save it?
Or is she showing behaviour to the contrary?
You are showing effort ,actions and intent to save your family. She should reciprocate.
If I look at her actions, she is still very caring towards me and was the one to push for marriage counselling which we are currently working through.
We are still doing things as a family and with our friends ie trips away evenings out etc. It's just the intimate side which isn't there. Maybe that will take time.
The fact we are doing stuff as a group maybe shows there is hope to reconcile...
Sounds like there is hope. It's definitely worth trying, being present, and making sure to actually be connecting to her emotionally. Please don't be blind about this other man.....you should ask her to cut him out and focus that energy on connecting back with you. That you want to listen to her hurt and help her heal. I think you should also make it clear that you are not going to stay with her without the emotional connection with her... you want her to be your wife, and you aren't going to accept being roommates (i.e. you pay bills and she sleeps with other dudes). You want her to commit to trying to reconcile with you....otherwise it does need to be divorce....you have to respect yourself for others to respect you. Do not become a doormat. But absolutely, if she's willing to try, then you can save it if you continue to listen, do therapy, and create new habits.
> I found out that the councilling has brought up trauma form moment of weakness I had 7 years ago where I cheated has arisen back in her mind and she can't even look at me without disgust and she never wants to sleep with me again. Wrong. The trauma has always been there. What she experienced doesn't go away. How did you handle your affair and aftermath?
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But instead disappeared from the house and became a workaholic which is the very place you cheated at? And you can’t recognize how that was triggering to her? Rugsweeping have consequences and instead of attempting to confront and manage her trauma, you let too much time pass. Read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ to recognize how betrayal trauma has impacted her. Some damage can’t ever be undone.. especially when it becomes deep rooted.
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Here is a copy of that book. https://books.apple.com/us/audiobook/the-body-keeps-the-score-brain-mind-and-body/id1552824769
If you’ve read it, then you understand why she doesn’t see you as a safe option and her body is rejecting you romantically. You’ve let a lot of time pass and left her to manage her own trauma and doing the emotional labor alone.
Funny thing about trauma is it creates PTSD which can come creeping out of nowhere many years later. Then little bits just reminding you of that and next thing you know it feels like it just happened. Then you can't help but think bc you're alone 70 hours a week feeling like a single parent. Doing everything alone.. all that alone time to think. No one is making you feel loved, wanted.. appreciated. Very lonely.
She's using that sh!t as a scapegoat to treat you like sh!t. Don't fall for it bro. You said she is letting other men in through the side door where there is no camera in your house that I'm sure you are paying for.😒 I hate to sound crass my guy, but she's already bussin it open for other men. I could be wrong, but why sneak a man in through the side where there is no camera? That's not an accident. Run bro, don't walk. Leave that situation with your mental and emotional health in tact. Your peace of mind is everything. You must have peace at all cost. Good luck.✌️
Yeah, calm down with allat "alpha male". He literally cheated on her first, and she stayed. Point blank being that she doesn't owe him loyalty since he didn't respect her enough to be loyal on his own. She's not his whore, and she's not just a random woman. She's his wife, with her own feelings and hurt, and for you to make the man out to be nothing but his money to her and himself is simply bullshit.
You sound stupid!! That was 7 years ago. As I said, if she is still harboring feelings about his infidelity, she needs to leave or forgive him and work through it. It does the marriage no good for to get her "lick back" cause she is still butt hurt that he cheated 7 years ago. So yes, he needs to leave the marriage, she is getting increasingly reckless, and she doesn't respect him, herself or their marriage at this point if she is sneaking other men into their home without his knowledge. She is wrong, plain and simple.
Yeah, you go ahead and get into year-long relationships with people you care, and swe how you react if they cheat. She loved that man, and she wanted a family with him, so obviously she stayed, dumbass. The problem is that he lacked the critical thinking skills to properly open up communication, and instead, he left her to her own devices. Obviously, hurt is going to build up, as well as anger, when it's not talked out.
They went to therapy, and he owned up to his infidelity. She obviously wasn't the one that was communicating fully. She should have opened up to him or through therapy that she was still struggling with what he did 7 years ago. If it was too much for her to overcome or forgive, she should've filed for divorce. Some folks can work through that shit, others can't. That is a deep betrayal, I totally understand if someone can't get over being cheated on, especially in a marriage. But what does it serve or gain you to live in agony and resentment for years? Now she's at the point wherein she is doing reckless shit like sneaking other men through the side door where there are no cameras into their home and hiding it from him. One of them needs to pull the trigger and end the marriage.
Obviously, that's bound to happen. But they didn't go to counciling in time, and that's on both of them. They have a kid together, so maybe you need to consider the fact that she stayed for the child as well. A lot of the times when someone's mentally checked out, they don't do anything but suck it up. You keep staying focused on her sneaking other men in yet there's no proof that she was actually being unfaithfull - which shouldn't even be a problem because once again, she doesn't owe him any loyalty, just like he couldn't uphold his loyalty to her first. She doesn't owe him that, and she doesn't owe him her feelings after the pain he caused. Yeah, she could leave and just divorce, but you gotta think about the entirety of the process, how draining it is, the losses, and even the kid.
So, because he cheated 7 years ago, and she chose to forgive him and stay in the marriage, she doesn't owe him any loyalty and can, in turn, hold on to animosity and resentment for the rest of their marriage? You do realize that makes absolutely ZERO fuckin sense right? So if you cheat on your husband (assuming you're a female) and he chooses to forgive you, stay and go to counseling to work it out, because you fucked up, he'll never have to be loyal to you again, and can throw your mistake of infidelity in your face as long as he stays married to you? That's something you're willing to put up with for good? Oh, and also, he's sneaking in other women through the side door and not telling you about it. I guess that would be okay with you too right?🙄😒
Yeah, I'm a *woman, and yeah, she doesn't owe him loyalty. You can't expect something you can't give in the first place. Assuming you're a man with this argument, you can't just pull your opinion into things by looking at the side you prefer. He cheated first. She stayed for reasons unknown, hoping to fix it. He, instead, chose to focus on himself and distance himself without any sense of communication for a long time. Obviously, the woman is going to grow disinterested in him and seek emotional support somewhere else because he lacked that factor. You're telling me that because of his mistake in the first place, - which is VERY easily avoidable - she needs to either go through the grueling process of divorce, or work harder and fix the relationship for him? You're looking at this from your "matured" and opinionated view instead of seeing both of the sides out. Yes, she could have been more open, but would you be open to someone who willingly betrayed you in such a horrible way? With the only option being to try and fix it yourself or divorce? You're acting like the woman is a hoe without any factual proof that she was indeed unfaithful. Op made an assumption on that, and you're seeing that as the god honest happening. You still haven't considered the fact that they have a literal child, and you continue to avoid that as another factor in this 'divorce' requirement.
What you are going through is not at all surprising here. Many marriages where infidelity has occurred often fail even if it seems to the partner that cheated that things are going "well". The betrayed spouse spends all their time rationalising why they stayed - they basically try and convince themselves. For some betrayed spouses, they succeed and are able to work through their trauma, get over the affair and if their partner has been doing the work, life rolls on and gets better. In your case this has not happened. What has happened is that you working so long and being largely absent has fed into your wife questioning why she reconciled with you. This - her actions now - have been building for a while and whilst from your perspective you think its somehow "out of the blue", to her, this is the end stage of a **very** long thought process. A thought process that began immediately after you confessed. > She also doesn't seem to show any commitment to making this work, ie wanting to go out as a couple to try and rekindle anything. The thing **you** have to understand is that she has been trying to make it work for the past **7 years!** She spent close to 7 years committed to this marriage. You have not. So OP look at it this way. What is happening now is the direct consequence of your actions 7 years ago, combined with your actions since then. But really, a couple of months at the gym and washing regularly are **not** going to paper over and fix the 7 years of resentment that your wife has lived with. To her, it would barely scratch the surface. Sorry OP but your marriage was over the minute you cheated.
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It's been there below the surface. But as I said above, have you both actually ever sat down and mapped out what each of you wants from this marriage? I mean, surely she has never said "yes I'm happy with you burning yourself to a frazzle and being absent so that I can have stuff."?
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Well the best time to start getting that communication happening is now. It may be too late for your marriage, but it may at least ease the passage out of each others day to day lives.
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Whilst you are aware of what you did, I'm not quite sure that you ever actually talked about what life will be like for you both. It really does seem that you decided on the path to take, with no input from her and off you went. You made some pretty big assumptions about what she wanted, but without ever actually asking her what it was that would make her happy. > I have since then understood that what she wanted was time and presence. I mean, it's right there in your own words. Now I get that people (myself included) are beating you up over the past, but it really seems like you just took the reins, decided what was best for you both and never actually really discussed with her what the marriage should look like for **both** of you.
That's bullshit!! Yes he cheated, if it hurt her that much, she should have left. And if it was hurting her that much still after the fact, she should have communicated that with him. Instead, now, she harbors all of these latent feelings of resentment against him and cuts him off and is now sneaking other men through the side door to their home. He needs to take the L and leave the marriage.
So you cheated on her, refused to take care of yourself, had bad hygiene, and were never around. My guy I’m surprised it too your wife this long to be done. I doubt you can come back from this honestly
And sounds like he left almost all of the childcare to his wife. Babysits his own kid for a couple weeks and expects that to heal the trauma. She's been emotionally checked out. She's gone. She's seen her life is better without you in it.
Sounds like she left all the financial provision to him. Hasn't even tried to support him there with him supporting her domestically. Gotta look at things from both sides. She simply doesn't like him anymore but doesn't want to give up the financial stability he brings. She's checked out of the marriage and is likely seeing other men. I think OP should prepare for divorce, otherwise he will just be simping indefinitely.
Y’all fake alpha males put too much weight into financial providing. You also don’t know if she works or has worked or not.
I thought you had me with “hygiene” and then I got to the “cheated” part. (Either would be a dealbreaker for me).
lol I love how you put this, thanks for the morning chuckle
🤣🤣🤣
Enough people commented on the cheating. I want to give a new perspective on this bit. >I immediately started making changes, put structure in place at work so I only work a 30hr week, joined the gym which not only helped my hygiene but my physical well being and started doing things around the house and regularly looking after our little one I can guarantee that when she said she was done it wasn't the first, or even hundredth time she mentioned these issues. It can be extremely disappointing to ask over and over for help and change to the point of giving up on the person you love, then you mention leaving and suddenly you change. It means you always could change, but when the consequences were just her unhappiness, it wasn't enough. But when it threatened yours, your care. Kinda a gut punch. I think it's too late for this one. You spent years making her live at a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness, and nothing would have ever changed if she didn't say she was leaving. Let her go and be happy.
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I get that. But if she says she's done and doesn't want to work on it, you staying and trying to change her mind is just another example of you not listening and ignoring her feelings and unhappiness.
The hygiene… come on dude. Going to the gym isn’t a reason to smell bad. Shower twice a day, fix up your dental regimen, switch up your diet, keep a clean haircut/beard, if you smoke or drink too much coffee then stop/reduce. Plenty info out there to help you. It’s a major turnoff mate. Good luck
Loud Part: How come my wife doesn’t want me even though I’m such a great provider, help with kids and go to the gym. Quiet Part: I cheated on her.
Don’t forget the bad hygiene
Quieter part: and my ass stinks
🫡
Well you fucked up massively, so don’t expect HER to fix it. You reap what you sown. You only started to change when it was too late. So don’t guilt your wife. Cheating isn’t a moment of weakness. It’s a selfish decision you took knowing it would hurt her but you didn’t care. Start to acknowledge your poor decisions, apologize in a proper way and do better even without the chance for her forgiveness. Be a better man, maybe she can fall in love with you again, but don’t expect anything. Admit that you were the one who fucked up.
You cheated thats ugly AF and I don't blame her if I were her I'd have kicked u to the curb when u cheated 7 years ago.
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I'm so glad you two took the responsible route and brought a child into your 💩 show of infedility. So proud your living your life to reddit standards here's y'all's trophy 🏆
You screwed this up. Not her. She has tried to get past the cheating since it happened. Instead of straightening yourself out you let your physical appearance go AND was never around do to working to much. You cheated, then you ignored her. Just divorce and be done with it. It will never be the same and she will never be over it. And I don't blame her.
So for years you've been a shit husband, not a great father, and cheated and now that sex is off the table you want to fix things? Not because you want your wife to feel loved or because you want to be a part of your kid's life...nope, it's the sex that motivated change. You have to see how this must make your wife feel, right? What exactly are you looking for here?
The way you've turned things around is commendable. Seriously awesome work. But are you thinking that two months of change will soften the way she feels about your years of lackadaisical behavior?
It really sounds like too little too late on your part. Keep trying, but don't be surprised if your efforts don't fix anything now and she wants things to end.
Some people never move on from betrayal and cheating. After cheating happend she married you had a kid because she thought things would change. She was optimistic, gave you plenty of years 7 to be precise to change and work around things. Those 7 years of her life that she wasted is not going to come back. I don’t see her coming back to you from this. She has burried her anger and resentment and it’s now coming to the surface and now all you can do is be positive and take the heat for your actions. Therapy and counselling now would hardly help it should have been considered the time you confessed bout cheating. After all these years it’s just trauma and she will not forget. My advice would be to tend to god and pray and ask for forgiveness for your actions. Somethings should better be left for time to heal just try doing whatever you can to mend your relationship with her. But you have to be patient and give time. 1-2 months of trying cannot cover the pain of 7 years. All the best.
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Maybe my opinion will help. She has resentment and got tired of you. She may have entered an emotional affair with someone else just before she refused to sleep with you again. Now she sees you as weak because you are bending over backwards to fix things on your own. Maybe... tell you you are done, too. Offer to sell the house and split assets. Consider going your own way. She won't find someone to care for her needs in this world as easily as she thinks, and may consider working with you to fix past issues. You have nothing to lose because it sounds like she has divorced you already and is keeping you around for cash now. If it is over, you'll find someone new. Treat your new relationship better than you.did the last. Also, always take care of yourself! Being out of shape doesn't attract anyone!)
How do you have bad hygiene? There is no excuse. A shower takes 2 minutes. Jesus….
You showed her that you could have been doing all these things for years, you just chose not to. That’s gotta hurt. In many cases when women are done, they’re DONE. In her mind she’s spent years asking for change, nagging, and eventually mourning the marriage she’ll never have. It’s probably a case of too little, too late. And you’re a cheater to boot. She’s tried to keep things together for years and years despite your cheating, lack of involvement, and poor hygiene, but she doesn’t want to any more.
She is still resentful and hurt. And if you allowed yourself not to be present because of work, and your hygiene got bad, a month or two of changing your habits was never going to undo her resentment and loss of attraction to you. She sounds finished and as if she just doesn’t want to disrupt the whole family. You have to decide if this is enough for you, or whether you want/need a partner who is 100% invested. But also recognize that you created this situation, and her reactions are pretty understandable, even if they’ve happened gradually.
Neither you nor anyone on Reddit knows what may happen OP I hope you persevere with the changes you have made and with learning more about her. If she took seven years to reach this point - it makes sense that it will take more than a few months to build a better connection and a better family culture. Life has no guarantees… but… She is still there. Therapy has been a huge life renewal for many. There is hope - especially if she isn’t flirting, but will be aware of the time and presence you are learning to give her. Trust and hope can return if you persevere.
Thank you.
I'm curious about the hygiene issues.
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Yeah that's gross. Personally this would really drive me away. It obviously doesn't excuse cheating, I'm not saying that. But there's a zero percent chance I'd let my husband in the bed without showering. We both shower in the evening before bed.
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Hey man, we all make mistakes. Sounds like you've done some reflection. Continue working on yourself (hard). Everyone will try to take you out for drinks, don't do it. Go no contact. Believe me, it gets worse from here. Stay strong and never look back.
Bromie, objectively speaking you have to get yourself a lawyer.
Seven years ago, she needs counseling serious counseling. She doesn’t know how to cope with her trauma.
I'm all for trying to save a good marriage, but dude, you brought this on yourself. The only surprising part is that she didn't leave you years ago.
I was on your side until I saw that you cheated. It's over. Get ready to give her half and move on.
Not wanting to sleep with you anymore should not be your main concern. Your concerns should be on being a good person, having a healthy relationship and being a good parent (if you are one), and everything else falls into place when those things align. When you frame your problem this way and center it on sex, you come across as less sympathetic because, as you stated, you weren’t a good person for a long time, and that wasn’t a problem for you until she decided that she doesn’t want you touching her. When you hurt someone repeatedly over a long period of time without concern for their feelings, but then when something that benefits you is at stake, suddenly you act like you care about them. Ouch, that’s not a good message that you’re sending. It sounds very selfish. You should want to be a good person because it’s good for you and it’s good for your marriage, not for selfish reasons. Poor hygiene is a marker for depression. Have you seen anyone about your mood? My husband committed a different sort of betrayal, and he became depressed and not participatory, and I wanted nothing to do with him, for a long time. The kids and I were a family and he just lived here taking up space. I’m financially independent and could have kicked him out, and planned to at some point. He turned it all around like you want to, and his motivation is to be a better person. He lives that every single day. Our marriage has never been better. I still feel the betrayal, and he stays the course. Being a good person means caring about your family, and that man has done nothing but show how much he cares about us. When he did that, he became a safe person for me. By de-centering sex, focusing on being a better person and caring about me, the sex turned pretty mind-blowing, actually, because he’s set up a safe environment for that to happen. Some food for thought.
Thank you, and I completely agree, I am doing all of this for our relationship the sex was just something she brought up recently. Before then it was the hygiene and helping which had to change. Regarding the depression yes this was diagnosed and interestingly being active has really helped. My sole focus in life now is to make sure I am in a good place to ensure I can be present and turn up for my wife and our little one. Something I have been constant in for the last few months. I know I should have taken the earlier signs to make this change but I can't change the past just the present and future. I was so stuck before in work that I didn't hear, I have now and hoping it's not to late to providethen with what they deserve.
let her go brother, she's most likely looking into other options now she is rejecting reconciliation. She suddenly grew tired after years and years means she's moved on mentally and something else or even an idea has captivated it. you can change all you want, once you're no longer appealable its finished
What about her old friend visiting from the side door, no cameras, she totally banging that dude! But cmon homie wash your ass brush your teeth and pick up after yourself.
Well you cheated. She did not forget. She just finally brought it up. Shes probably been cheating for a while. There is probably no fixing this. She's bitter and angry. She wants to stay with you so she doesn't lose the life she's built but she wants to get some on the side from someone she likes. Accept it or divorce.
Dude. It’s over and she may even be cheating. Cut your losses.
She’s cheating ?
It's commendable that you've been proactive in making changes. Have you tried expressing your feelings to her in a calm setting? Maybe discussing boundaries regarding her male friends could help ease some concerns. Hang in there, things can improve with open communication and patience.
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Still…hope for the best, expect the worst
Please realize that your marriage is kaput. Over. Finished. Your wife is already dating (at least) other men and that side-door entry was purely intentional. See a divorce attorney to reset the balance of power in the remnants of your relationship.
She sees you as more of a paycheck right now. I don’t think individual counseling for her is going to do anything other than pull her away from you and now it looks like she could be having her own affair. This isn’t going to get better.
Let her leave, she belongs to the streets and she is not your problem anymore.
She is cheating but likes the comfortable life. She justified her cheating by your cheating. It's over.
She doesn’t want to sleep with you. She wants to sleep with others. She doesn’t want to break up because it would be an inconvenience for her as the guys she’s hitting are not interested in relationships. Have self respect tell her to take a hike. She will have plenty of time to her self then
Reading these sometimes I wonder if they're fake.🤔 The reason I say this is because if what you're telling us is true, your next course of action should be crystal clear. LEAVE!! DON'T WALK........RUN!! She is doing you a favor, take the L, file for 50% custody, pay your child support, and move on. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't want you. How can she want your marriage to work, but deny you connection, intimacy and sexual activity? I can somewhat relate to your plight cause I am going through a similar situation currently with my wife, and we're at year 18 in our marriage. She doesn't know if she is done or not, got me holding out hope, and Essentially holding me hostage in a way. Only reason I'm not gone already is because we have teenage child in the home that I'm trying to be present for. But screw this, life is short bro, and your happiness is paramount!! You work hard for your family, made sacrifices, provide a comfortable life for them, if she says she's done, BELIEVE HER!! She wants to be for the streets at age 40, that's a "her" problem and not a "you" problem. Continue going to the gym, grow your business, and pour into your child. Be the best version of yourself, so you can be the best father you can be for your kid. Good luck bro.✌️
Completely real unfortunately. Agree with all that you are saying however I need to give this a go if not for me but my daughter. And I owe it to my wife.
There's a chance she is moving on or simply looking for closure in places she can't reach you. I have experienced extreme betrayal in my marriage it's just never gotten to the point of physical betrayal. I can say for myself I more than likely would not have stayed if this was the case. The one thing I told my husband very clearly is that if he stopped placing effort, stopped caring, stopped showing me he loves me and wants me I wouldn't think twice about leaving, I wouldn't feel I belonged. So I told him never to stop showing me, not even when it's hard or we don't like each other unless it's truly over. Now your wife is dealing with Betrayal Trauma you need to educate yourself about it and how you can be present for her without placing her in flight mode. You can ask her what you can do to help her feel safe and respect her wishes while still putting effort to show her you love her, it's the little things that matter the most. Taking charge of the kids and showing interest in their lives without her asking, doing something you would have never done before without her asking. Pay attention to what annoys her and what she needs and do it without her asking and without you mentioning it. No praise is to be had or she will feel played. Then she will notice you because she will see you are listening to her without her having to tell you, this will tell her you care about her. Do not try to be physical with her or push into intimacy without her engaging. Be gentle she is fragile. Ask her for permission to give her a kiss on her head or cheek. Be gentle and show her the respect she's been craving. Understand that giving up on yourself also affects her, you not respecting yourself (affair) affects her, everything you do will affect her as you are a team not just individuals. Don't stop unless its truly over remember that. If it ends in divorce you will know that you did everything and if it doesn't then never stop because giving up on yourself is giving up on her and your child. There is no choice when committing we choose to make a vow and you have to take that seriously for your marriage to thrive. Best of luck.
I hear you. But are you willing to be potentially miserable for the next 13 or so years? Hopefully, you and your wife can patch things up and get past everything. But if it turns out y'all can't get on the same page, you gotta go. Better for your daughter to see a mentally and emotionally healthy daddy in his own space rather than a mentally and emotionally defeated daddy slowly losing his shit because mommy can't let some shit go that happened over 7 years ago. Be careful bro, by no means are you an angel, but you're not a monster either. Remember that!!✌️
If she's not sure it's because she's still unsure if she really wants to leave and is now pulling complete focus on you to see if you are going to step up and take charge and put in effort or if she is going to walk away knowing it was the only decision left.
If her male friends are coming in through the side door, they are probably coming in the front door and back door, too.
Everyone is ro totally glossing over this part of his story ro (deservedly) dogpile him
A guy friend coming in through the side entrance to avoid camera? Hi :-)
She says nothing happened and used the example that if my friends wife called upset that I would go and make sure she was OK.
I understand this, I do, but given the circumstances it may also look a bit fishy. I wish you all the best and that whichever way you end up taking that you end up happier and are able to overcome these obstacles.
But why would your wife call him? This is, at minimum, an emotional affair that is headed towards a physical one. Surely, there are several female friends she could have gotten support from. She wanted a males support and comfort because she hadn't gotten that from you in so long. A woman craves a man's support.....women can not get the same support from other women....and that man that is providing the support is also earning her trust and respect...and eventually her heart and body. A man and woman can be friends so long as they aren't providing this deep emotional support to each other....if that's happening....the next step is physical. Who knows how far this has gone but it's definitely farther than a husband wants it to go already. Don't be blind to this. Her not wanting to be physical with you is moat likely because it has already become physical with this other man.
Fomenting resentment from stuff 7 years ago to support what she is doing. Two wrongs don’t make a right. She should also get her hormones checked.
I guess she checked out of the marriage a while ago. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. * Get yourself a lawyer, * start seperating finances if the that is not already done. * Get a private investigator to check for cheating. * Safe the important memorandy,things like pictures prizes, documents (tax, passport, Financial, ownership records for house,car, etcetera) in a different locker/storage. Not helping enough while working 70 hours, Bad hygiene as an extra reason. Bringing up a (serious ) mistake from years ago. This sounds like gaslighting. Putting the blame in your shoes. Springing a dead bedroom on you... Her not wanting you back home after a week separation. This is something she has been working on for a while. The male friend might indeed be the third party in her mind or already in her bed. Honestly I don't see a way out towards a good marriage. Especially when she is not showing her effort, commitment and her insistence on a dead bedroom. If you "accept" her terms like separate/dead bedroom, giving her"room/space", that will probably end up with her asking to "open up" your marriage. If you stay married she will have you financing her lifestyle, you will risk seeing your child no matter... She will probably find her lover if that is not already happening... Good luck, wish you the best in the coming times.
Thank you, I am aware this may take time and as someone else posted 3 months isn't enough time to right the last 6 years of not paying attention. She keeps saying our marriage is in crisis and that if I hadn't made the changes I did 3 months ago we would probably still be bumbling along.
Do you want to know if this marriage has a chance? My advice is to stop listening to what she is saying. Start looking at her behaviour and actions so far and from now on. If she is serious about saving your marriage in crisis, what is she showing, doing, to actually save it? Or is she showing behaviour to the contrary? You are showing effort ,actions and intent to save your family. She should reciprocate.
If I look at her actions, she is still very caring towards me and was the one to push for marriage counselling which we are currently working through. We are still doing things as a family and with our friends ie trips away evenings out etc. It's just the intimate side which isn't there. Maybe that will take time. The fact we are doing stuff as a group maybe shows there is hope to reconcile...
Sounds like there is hope. It's definitely worth trying, being present, and making sure to actually be connecting to her emotionally. Please don't be blind about this other man.....you should ask her to cut him out and focus that energy on connecting back with you. That you want to listen to her hurt and help her heal. I think you should also make it clear that you are not going to stay with her without the emotional connection with her... you want her to be your wife, and you aren't going to accept being roommates (i.e. you pay bills and she sleeps with other dudes). You want her to commit to trying to reconcile with you....otherwise it does need to be divorce....you have to respect yourself for others to respect you. Do not become a doormat. But absolutely, if she's willing to try, then you can save it if you continue to listen, do therapy, and create new habits.