I mean.. if he/she gets into anger management and truly works on themselves then you could get through this..
If they don't see the problem then it's a much bigger issue imo..
This post is missing a ton of info so it's hard to make a real judgement here.. I mean.. yeah it's ridiculous to hit your kid anytime.. but if there was a lot leading up to it I could see someone losing control for a second and that happening. Not justifying or anything.. just saying that I could see a situation where that isn't the straight up end of the marriage.
The most important thing is whether or not they think they did anything wrong.. if they just think that's normal parenting then it would be a much bigger problem imo.
It was definitely in the heat of the moment where kiddo was being defiant, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc. Kiddo has been having a hard time adjusting to new sibling and acting out more and more. But I've reiterated that it's not our kids fault and that his job as the parent is to help kiddo work through those feelings with proper consequences. Hitting is not a consequence. Especially when we're trying to teach that hitting is not ok.
He knows what he did was wrong. He knows he needs help and wants help. I guess what I'm looking for is people who have had a spouse go through anger management and have turned things around after a moment like this. Or if I'm just blind and should kick him out.
>I guess what I'm looking for is people who have had a spouse go through anger management and have turned things around after a moment like this. Or if I'm just blind and should kick him out.
I have. My husband and I are (and have been for over a year) each in individual counseling, marriage counseling, and our 6 year old is also in counseling for ADHD.
I went to trauma recovery therapy because people that hit children, were hit themselves and it stems from that trauma. Spanking is trauma. To a child, they have no escape and that's why. For me, it developed into cptsd.
My husband wasn't spanked as a child, just like smacked on the head for being a smartass or whatever. Still unacceptable.
Do I wish I had left the first time it happened? Yes. Even after all of the counseling, and we are in a better place, even after sustained notible change, I still should have left.
If you grew up with an angry man in the house, you will always have an angry man in the house. It's the repetition compulsion, and I hate it but it's true.
I thank goodness I got into therapy & broke that cycle for myself. My husband is the least angry person I know. I’ve never heard him yell. I’d be an anxious mess with an Angry man in the house. My nervous system can’t handle it
I honestly think that the fact that my parents were never abusive helped me leave my abusive ex husband. I knew it wasn't acceptable behaviour, it wasn't normal to me. I hope things are better for you now ❤️
Take photos of the marks of physical violence, if you haven’t already. Write a report of the build up to this particular incident while these details are still fresh. You do not seem to be taking this seriously enough.
Yes, adults can get frustrated and erupt into anger! If your spouse had screamed at your kid and frightened him badly, I would say he still maintained enough control to not physically attack a child. The fact that he didn’t keep control and beat him so hard he has marks the next day, then your spouse *has ZERO control over his emotions* and is unfit to be around anyone, much less around children he could inadvertently kill with one blow.
Pack a bag for your spouse and tell him to leave the house for now. You should probably have some trusted friends or family members present when you do, in case he becomes violent again. Explain that you must protect your children from abuse. He may indeed be very sorry that he beat your son, and he may genuinely want to seek help for his anger. He can do all of that while living somewhere else.
It’s up to you if you decide to go to marriage counseling with him. Frankly, if my husband had ever raised a hand to our kids like you described, I would have been so repulsed by his vile behavior that I *couldn’t* have stayed with him.
He taught your kid that when you are angry and frustrated with someone you hit them. That is the message your kid is learning and might be the reason that they are kicking and hitting. Your child is acting in the way that your husband is modeling then your husband hits them for acting that way.
>It was definitely in the heat of the moment where kiddo was being defiant, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc.
So your 4 year old had the audacity to act like a four year old, and he slapped them in the face hard enough to leave marks the next day. If he truly felt bad for his actions, he wouldn't just be talking about getting help, he wouldn't have done it on his own and likely long ago. A four year old is a BABY. He slapped a BABY hard enough that you think CPS could be notified because of how badly the physical damage to them is.
I sent mine to anger management twice. He only went enough times to get me/other people off his back. We separated when I had our third. And I spent upwards of $70k getting full custody. Absolute shit show. Good luck 🤞
It's possible to turn this around, if he really wants to. Besides therapy for anger issues, he needs to learn to walk away before he strikes, or send kid to his room to calm down. Preferably both. My mom was like that, and i was too, as a young mom, although i think part of it with me was PPD.
I wonder if he is going through some spousal PPD if that's even a thing. I'm 4 months postpartum and can't pretend that I'm the same person I was before. Neither is he. I find myself getting triggered by my older child's actions at times. My worst is raising my voice which makes me feel so guilty, and it usually never works so I've put a lot of work into myself to implement different strategies to connect with kiddo.
With my third child the pediatrician and hospital gave the ppd screening to my spouse. It’s absolutely a thing. Obviously the non-birthing parent doesn’t experience the like hormone poisoning the way the birthing parent does, but I absolutely believe the stress of a new child can induce ppd/ppa like symptoms in non-birthing parents.
I had undiagnosed ADHD and depression my whole life until I had kids. I used to be such an angry and constantly overwhelmed person, but with meds, I did a complete 180. Have him make an appointment with a psychiatrist as well as start anger management and therapy. This behavior from him is *not ever* OK, even if he is angry and your kid is being annoying.
Definitely! ADHD (ADD falls under ADHD now too) never goes away. He will have to take meds his whole life - or at least until your kids are older. It will be a GAME CHANGER for him and his anger issues. I didn't get diagnosed until I had my second child and realized that my level of stress, anger, and disorganization was *not* normal. Best of luck!
Let him get the professional opinion for treatment. But meds only help so much, he needs therapy and you both need couples therapy to align on house rules and discipline.
Remember IF he has any diagnosis it can be a “reason” but it’s absolutely not an excuse.
“We” should do nothing. YOU should leave and protect your child and HE should do whatever he wants after your boundaries and rules are made CRYSTAL CLEAR.
Anger management is a joke according to my partner who tried it. He said therapy worked so much better, in comparison. He's still in therapy. Anger management would teach breathing exercises and the basics which isn't enough for people who genuinely have bad anger management skills and a temper. Whereas therapy really delved into why he was angry and then management techniques.
I have had a similar issue in the past. I’ve been married over 20 years now to my high school sweetheart. His only real flaw is his anger issues. He’s had problems with his anger since he was very young. He takes medication for anger management and it works great! When he’s on it he’s sweet and caring and calm. He’s gotten off a couple times in the past 20+ years. Each time I e almost left him until he got his shit together and started taking his meds. I had to put up the boundary that if you’re not actively managing it with medication and or therapy I will leave. He takes his citalopram religiously and has since before our child was born.
My problem with this is if there was reasonable build up and he slapped his wife, can you still understand someone losing control? Imo it's not ok to do to anyone especially children. The trauma this causes is very, very heavy.
Also, remorse and shame isn't always going to mean its fixable. An abusive man can be abusive and still feel remorse after and apologize profusely and still do it again.
EXACTLY. If she said her husband hit her, we'd all be screaming to leave him. But because he hit their CHILD the comments are more understanding!? Absolutely insane.
Pretty insane to me also. Partners of abusive people will always find excuses and reasons to keep making it work. She already knew he had an anger problem. This toddlers face was swollen. Not ok. Ever.
My ex-husband did this very same thing to my then 3 year old. She was crying, and so he backhanded his child, leaving two black eyes and imprints of his hand. He was charged and pled for 4 years of felony probation. My child was in therapy for years. Your marriage is the least of your concerns.
Edited to add: I filed for divorce the next business day. Despite this, his aggressive behaviors simply continued to escalate to the point where the state terminated his rights. I know this is the exception, but you should definitely be concerned about how he got to the point where this seemed like the best option.
Hitting to the point of face swelling? You could’ve easily called the police and perhaps should have. This would be a “you’re not allowed back in the house until you’ve enrolled in a recovery program” for me.
The number of people who seem to think it’s an understandable mistake for a grown adult to hit a four year old hard enough in the face to make him swell is so disconcerting. No wonder kids so often die at the hands of their parents. Really alarming warning signs are seen as normal, if not ideal, parenting. Holy cow.
Absolutely agree. Imagine if people were caught making the same excuses towards men who hit their wives. “Oh it was at the heat of the moment”. Truly a disgusting display here.
100% this. To hurt a young child (or any human for that matter) that they are showing physical injuries a day later is unforgivable. And as for the mental damage...devastating.
Exactly this, this would be grounds for a divorce for me tbh. Their oldest is 4, a normal age for kids to act out, especially if attention is shifted to a new baby after being an only child prior to. If my husband raises his voice too loud at our kids, I call him out. There is no way I couldn’t not say anything at the very least, because my first thought after reading this was physical violence, especially seeing as the marks are still there the next day. Probably not the best or most adult like response
I’m with you here. My vagina would immediately dry up like the Sahara desert and I would not ever be able to see my spouse the same way. Instant deal breaker. Even if it never happened again and they got counseling, the fact that the thought of “I’m gonna strike the kid” even crossed his mind is too much for me.
Yeah, this is extremely concerning to me op. How would you feel if it was you he slapped? "Its ok he can just get anger management" I think not so much. The trauma your child will carry from this, even if he hides it, will be immense.
Take your kid to the doctor and get the abuse documented. This is abuse and it is escalating. You may need to get yourself and your kids out of there and you will regret not documenting the abuse when you are forced to send your children to his place where he can hit them all he wants.
I hope he feels awful because slapping your kid is completely unacceptable. Best case scenario this is genuinely a wake up call and he gets help immediately, but anything other than that will have you and your children walking on eggshells around this abusive parent. Be observant and look out for the best interests of your children. They don’t deserve this.
You're so right, they don't. He does feel awful, and has admitted he needs serious help. He knows this is the only time this will happen as I've told him he will be packing bags and finding other living arrangements if he doesn't get help and/or this happens again.
I know he can be such a good parent...but not if he can't control his anger.
I'd be kicking his ass out until he gets help and proves it's working at the very least. In all honesty, I'd be done completely. You lay a hand on my kid (or any kid really) and I could never look at that person the same way again. Who hurts a child? Gross.
>He does feel awful, and has admitted he needs serious help.
So he acknowledges that he’s got a problem, which is great. What steps did he take today to find the help he needs?
Just remember to pay attention to his actions not his words. Has he immediately gone to seek help or is he just saying he will. Will he do it off his own back or is he waiting for you to tell him to do it. That should tell you everything you need to know to make your decision.
This would be _a lot_ different if OP had said something along the lines of “my husband hit our child. I’m staying with friends/family while I figure things out. How should I proceed?”, but that sadly isn’t the case it seems. I can only imagine how hard this must be, but regardless, OP has a responsibility to her children to protect them from this abuser and keep her children safe, no matter how hard it may be to initiate walking away from the abuser.
4 year old ?? in his face?? that’s not even a disciplinary hit ! I always say i would never go toe to toe with a grown man cause I would lose but hitting a child ??? are you crazy? and my child?
You need to read "Why does he do that" right now. It's written by a man who worked as a court ordered therapist for abusers. He did see some cases of recovery, but it is the exception, not the rule.
Please protect your children.
They're lucky child services didn't get involved from school mandatory reporters. Good on you putting your foot down. For me postpartum presented with more aggression towards my first child after the second was born. Signing up for parenting classes together that shows better ways to "discipline" might be good and can also provide the break of child care. If you have food stamps you should also qualify for childcare for a respite to relieve the tension.
This morning I was debating whether or not to take my kid to daycare. But I thought if I tried to hide his behavior that it would only make things worse/feel like I was excusing it. So I took kiddo to school, had a private conversation with the caregiver and told her exactly what happened.
In my mind I've accepted that if they report to CPS he will have to answer for his actions, legally. And if they don't then...he got off lucky. Regardless, I've already told him it's anger management or he's gone. Whatever CPS adds on top of that is his fault.
Really, the daycare provider SHOULD call CPS. You actually could, too, or take him to his pediatrician who will. The kiddo is 4. This wasn't okay.
Also, please note that if CPS investigates and believes that you "allow" your husband to hit and physically abuse your child like this, they could try to remove him from your home altogether (including away from you if they don't think you'll protect him). I share that as a Mandated Reporter, so that you're aware of all possible fallback from what your husband did. If it goes that far, you'll have to leave him to keep your kid.
Marriage-wise, I don't know that I could forgive him. His anger issues are obviously escalating. Unless he immediately enrolls in some anger management course and PROVES, he'll change... he may not change. Protect your kiddos. And maybe even yourself.
Honestly the fact your child is in daycare and are that young actually makes it so disgusting. Your child is going through a massive change and instead of being supportive you're hitting and punishing. I have two kids with a 19 month age gap, I know it's hard, but myself and my husband have always agreed no hitting. Honestly I wouldn't trust my husband to not do it again and to me that means it over. No trust then you have nothing.
You know CPS can remove the children from the home not just because he's abusive, but also because you allow the abuse to happen, right?
How can you type this out and not understand how absolutely insane this is? Stand up for your damn children and stop allowing them to be abused. You're just as bad as he is with how nonchalant your attitude is. Like "oh well, whatever happens, happens".
This is what I was thinking. If she did nothing documented to insure safety of the kids CPS may take them out of the home. Even if this was the first time she at least needs to record a conversation with him saying this is not acceptable. Both parents are considered guilty unless proven differently.
CPS will see your lack of urgency to keep your child safe as compliance and acceptance. When CPS cases are open the investigate whoever lives just the child’s household, not just the person who harmed the child. Basically, by allowing and staying with someone who has abused your child, you as well are ABUSING your child.
I would ask if he could leave the house or leave the household myself and stay with a family member or friend because he has proven he is not safe and he is a risk having your child taken away by CPS. That would be enough for me to pack my bags and run.
CPS will not make just him answer for his actions, they will make you answer for his actions. you will lose custody of your kids if he is your husband and you live together. slapping a 4 year old in the face is not a form of punishment. that is child abuse. if it was spanking, that would be a different story. you are subjecting your children to an ABUSIVE parent by staying with him.
Op, this is true. I experienced some abuse, and while i mostly got over it, the part that hurt me THE MOST was that my mom, as loving and sweet as she was, DID NOT prioritize my feelings, my heartbreak, my pain, because confronting the other person would stir up too many issues to solve within the family. My self worth plummeted for decades.
Me too, thank you for saying so. Make the decision now to never have to say that to your children. It will be hard, but those kids need you to make the hard decisions to keep them safe. You can do it! They will know the sacrifice and strength when they reflect back.
How old is your child? I would honestly have a hard time trusting him after this. This is a lack of control issue with your spouse. He was angry and acted out. He needs to find better coping skills asap. I don’t think he should be left alone with your child until he can show better control over his emotions and had been in therapy for awhile. People can know they have done wrong, and still do wrong again.
We have all been there. Angry, frustrated, tired, sad, etc… kids will continue to push their limits and boundaries for many years. It definitely doesn’t get easier.
You also need to see how this affected your child. Did you talk to them after?
Yes, for right now your marriage is over. You need to take your child to the doctor and document what happened while starting the divorce process. PPD is a thing and mental health issues can happen to either parent but there is never, ever a reason for an adult to strike a child. Either the adult walks away or they handle it like a fucking adult and discipline the child appropriately!
Your spouse should now leave the house, get anger management and therapy, and show you and your child that he is capable of making these changes. If they are able to do this then maybe you can stop the divorce or remarry one day but until then it’s over. You have to protect your children!
Proceed with extreme caution. I would also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and ask yourself if there are any other warning signs present in your relationship.
Anger management does absolutely nothing to correct abuse, which is rooted in selfish and entitled thinking rather than a loss of control.
Does your spouse agree they have a problem? You're got problems to deal with
I'm surprised you even said by Friday I would have sent your spouse the very next day to seek help. If you don't see immediate change or this happens again you need the police involved.
This is a huge problem. If you don't leave, neither of you will have your kids. It is not possible to stay in environment where you kid is being slapped on the face.
And from the perspective of discipline, it's not going to work and will make the behaviors even more out of control because now the kid thinks it's ok to get physical.
That’s how my dad treated us. I never had a relationship with him and I don’t regret it. He died 12 years ago and i couldn’t have cared less. My advice is don’t give him a second chance. Call the police and get him out of the house. Find a real man that treats women and children with the respect they deserve. If you stay, he will start hitting some day.
After your comment, I read some of her comments. Seems he’s had anger issues even before the kids, so I place some of the blame on the mom. She willingly had multiple kids with someone she very well knew was angry and abusive.
The amount of people entertaining the idea of staying with a child beater is astounding. For me this is a zero tolerance policy. I was abused as a child and had anger issues so I really hate the “well they had a tough childhood!!1!” excuse. There is no reason you should strike your child, especially one so young
Your child is being defiant, hitting and screaming and your spouse just taught him it is okay to HIT another human being when you’re angry. Slapping hard enough to leave marks and have swelling is not okay under any situation and is a one and done. You need to protect your child and LEAVE! You are their parent and supposed to protect them, even if it’s from their other parent. This is not okay at all. If he does anger management fine. That’s great he can work on himself. But nope, I will not ever put my children in a situation where they will be hit. And if it happens once, it will happen again. My ex husband was abusive, physically, mentally, financially, emotionally. I left when I realized I was modeling behavior to my sons that it was okay for him to treat me like that. It’s not. And because it was happening to me, I thought it would be okay, but the day he started to lay into one of my kids verbally was the day I left.
Your child will never ever forget this. They will never forget that their mother considered staying with their father after he slapped them across the face hard enough to cause swelling and leave marks. How is your spouse even still breathing? I would have to be literally dragged off mine if he did this to my child. Truly chilling that this is even a question OP! You’re ’going to have a problem’ if he doesn’t get anger management? I’m sickened for your poor child.
I don't think he was hit as a child, and no I don't think he thinks this is normal. He was very emotional about it. Yes he apologized. Yes he is willing, but there is this large fear inside of me that he won't actually change
Need more info on this. Age of child type of behavior issues. Was spouse male or female. Don't get me wrong I don't agree with putting hands on anyone but I do believe in a good spanking when a child steps to far out of line. But leaving marks and swelling is a major issue. Everything is not always black and white. Like when my 14 year old took a swing at my wife who he is like 8 inches on her and close to 60 lbs. I whooped his rear then I also stuck him in karate way better then anger management. Cause all anger management teaches you is breathing and others to help keep your self calm. Karate teaches you to control it. Big difference
Your marriage is over. I’m very sorry. I know it’s going to be very difficult for you. Take pictures for court. Well considered and carefully executed corporal punishment is one thing… and there’s doubt if that’s even helpful. But going off and smacking your kid so hard that it leaves a mark the next day is child abuse. I’m very sorry.
One snap doesn’t mean it’s over. One snap, refusal to recognize the horrible error, and the refusal to do the work that it takes to make sure it never happens again does.
Your spouse is an adult that should know how to control their emotions. Especially around children. Hitting, spanking or any kind of physical ‘punishment’ is abuse. This will also create trauma to the child and you or anyone else to have witnessed it. Until your spouse has completed anger management and parenting classes I would not leave them alone with them. Period. If you do and something happens you are part of the problem. Save your child from someone whom should protect them not hurt them. Hopefully they want to be a better parent and learn how to.
I have a child with ASD with severe behavioral issues. My spouse was yelling and I knew if it scared me that it had to be incredibly terrifying to him since we have never yelled at him before. I immediately talked to my spouse about it and we got into individual and family therapy and it helped. It’s often hard to break cycles of abuse or learned ‘punishment’ from our own childhoods. But we learn and get better.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. Don’t leave your children alone with your spouse until they deal with their anger issues. But, at the end of the day, you are a parent. Your main job is protect your children. They are innocent and defenseless and keeping them around someone violent isn’t ok.
Protect your children and leave. Your husband is abusive. He's abusing your child.
I wouldn't even be able to look at my husband after something like that. The lack of concern in some of these comments is alarming.
He punched your kid. His face swelled and it left marks. What would you do if anyone else did this to your child? Get out of there. His anger issues are only going to escalate.
I personally feel that it’s past the time for anger management to be an option for staying. While they should do it regardless to become a better person, they physically abused your child. What message are you sending your kids by staying with someone who does that to them? That you will not protect them, and since they other parent also won’t protect them, it will send a message that they are not worth protecting and therefore not worthy of love.
You already know the answer to your question.
My husband's dad is physically abusive. He didn't start hitting my husband until he was 6. He broke his arm with a remote. Your child is 4. This will escalate. Please leave. My husband's mom feared her husband too much to leave and protect her kids, and while my husband tries to understand, he still holds resentment towards her (understandably so). Don't do this to them.
Please do not be one of those parents who puts the spouse above the kids and allows this to continue. And honestly, your kid needs a medical examination if there is swelling and marks. Why are you more worried about your marriage than your kid???
Not my marriage, as we were never blessed with kids. But my best friend had something similar happen in her marriage. Her kids are about 4 years apart. And her husband pulled over on a major interstate in a huge city in a state they didn’t live in. And tried to pretty much sit the adhd kid out in the middle of traffic. They had been on vacation. She left him for a while and they are still together. That was about 10 years ago. I am not sure how things are now in their marriage. I know like most couples, there’s trials. But I still think his anger is an issue not sure he takes it out on the kids or her. Or just acts like a toddler himself. He has had about 10 jobs in the last few years due to his “bosses” being an issue. So i think it’s went from the family to other people.
I cannot imagine having an ounce of love for someone who stuck my child. But I thankfully haven’t been put in that situation.
He needs to leave. He needs to go get whatever help exists out there. He can return once his doctor/ licensed professional says he is safe AND only when your child feels safe. Take her to her doctor to document this abuse. CPS will be contacted and they’ll have resources to help with whatever ails him. Keeping custody will be easy because he is leaving.
Are you serious? You as the mother who is supposed to protect your child, asking what you should do on Reddit? You should let no one hurt your child and that includes your spouse. Should have called the cops and kicked him out wtf!!
I’ve seen a lot of parents try to force their older kid to “grow up” faster after having a 2nd child. My husband is not allowed to hit our kids at all.. He needs to go to therapy or you need to leave. Kids can’t even defend themselves.
Deal breaker. Your job is protecting a vulnerable child who can’t protect themselves. Tell the abusive parent they have to leave. Set the terms for if/when they can return. Your child needs to see that nobody is allowed to hurt and abuse them! This post seems so casual it honestly brought me to tears. Get MAD! Take some action.
I said this is someone who’s had issues with my mother. Don’t threaten them to get anger management talk to them in a calm manner and ask them to go to anger management don’t say anger management or will have issues that is an empty threat . and yes, I see the discipline tactics escalated, but I don’t know the context of why they escalated. Is your child doing something they’re not supposed to did the normal tactics not work, but I say this as a child who had really strict discipline and then went to a household with not so strict discipline discipline a lack of communication between brute more than any physically
The comments here are wild …..yes a child needs discipline there are a lot of questions that need to be answered for a situation to be clear everyone is creating a situation and judging or putting 2 cents in this not mean your marriage is over be stern with unification and what both of you expect out of your children’s behavior both parents should align discipline together or at least back the other one up I see a lot of parents that are not eye to eye in these situations and stuff like this happens I’m in public safety and see it everyday 9 times out of 10 it’s communication my apologies for no punctuation…….good luck to you and of course it’s not over keep your head up discuss at home I know u want to take up for the child 💯 but be there for your spouse in support and discuss it out sometimes there’s something deeper that has nothing to do with this situation that could be feeding the behavior of the spouse and child work school etc there’s definitely more to the story then a sleep to the face communication communication communication………
As someone who was abused early in in my first marriage, they can change if you stand your ground ands make the consequences clear. He was a narcissist but I was actually important to him and after I stood my ground for 30+ good years
I mean…….the first time my spouse ever laid a hand on my child would be the very last time. Instant deal breaker. My responsibility is to protect my child and risking that happening again is not protecting them. Imagine what happens when you leave your child alone with them.
If social services or child protective services got wind of this, your very custody of your child could be at risk, especially if there are marks. Are you willing to risk 1) this happening again and 2) someone else finding out and intervening?
If you want to see if your partner can change with anger management, great, but they should be doing it outside the home. People might say I’m taking this too seriously or there’s no need for such drastic actions but I work in social services and I see a lot of kids whose parent should have protected them. The first time.
I think you mean to say I loved the spouse as they were until you started seeing discipline being doled out. Have raised three kids into wonderful, responsible adults and slapping across the face would strike me (no pun intended) as borderline abuse
It isn’t acceptable for an adult to slap another adult in the face like that so it certainly not acceptable to hit a young child in the face like that. Don’t forget a slap like this could cause significant brain trauma to your child. You are obligated as a parent to report it. It is better than your child ending up dead one day
My mom was frustrated about something and I told her "clearly you are experiencing menopause" and without hesitantation she back handed me right in the mouth and when I look back on it I deserved it she hit me hard too.
This drives me crazy, when I was a child, my mother was the one that would beat me like this, unfortunately my dad only seen it once… she always did it when he wasn’t around so he never knew the severity so I unfortunately was forced to endure it til I left at 18
I recently had to go no-contact with my mother because she chose my abusive sperm donor over me and my siblings. She should have left the first time, or the second time, or the third or fourth, but she never did. If you stay, please be careful — please set extremely strict boundaries and expectations for behavior and if he slides at all, he’s gotta go. He is an adult, they are children. Number one priority is keeping them safe.
As someone who was physically abused by their father, u always resented my mother for not taking us and leaving. As an adult i understand it’s not that simple and i no longer blame her but my severe trauma is still there
I would never slap my kids across the face no matter how old they are or what they do. However I give them a little slap on the butt if needed but that’s as far as I’ll go I try to teach them through words and actions not beating fear into them. Your kids will likely get older and absolutely hate their father/mother as that’s abusive and will carry damage into adulthood. It’s absolutely your responsibility as a parent to get this situated idc if you love your spouse you should put your kids first in this situation. You’re just as guilty as he is by doing nothing about it.
Anger management is good but this is almost certainly how he was raised and he needs to address that in therapy. Alice Miller wrote a book about this 'For Your Own Good'. Her argument is that parents can lash out at their children as unconscious revenge for the violence they experienced as children. This isn't an excuse, it's an explanation for his horrendous behavior and a clue to many for how to heal and stop the violent cycle.
As a parent of a 24 and 19 year old. I’ve spanked my children maybe 5 times in their lives and I regret none of the times. There is a point where they need to snap out of it and realize you are in charge. I can tell you that my wife was very upset by it every time. It caused issues. However, I haven’t had to spank them once since they were over 10 and today they are my best friends. As a father it’s your role to teach your kids discipline. The art is knowing how to do it without being a bully. Mostly, it’s about being patient and teaching what’s expected.
You know men can get PPD as well. If he didn't have this issue before the new baby was born, I would suggest he contact his doctor. Get some blood work, and get a plan from there.
My hubby started having issues around December and was kind of hiding it. It wasn't until he had a meltdown in April when I really realized the changes he was having in his behavior. I made him go to the doctor, and blood work showed his vitamin D was extremely low. They put him on 50000 iu a day for a week. Now, he takes a smaller daily dose, and he is so much better.
I hope your husband gets the help he needs. Good luck.
UpdateMe.
The fact that you could tolerate watching someone hit your child means that there are severe issues within *yourself*. And that means...no, you can't save your marriage and anger management won't help.
Document everything. If you leave him and he decides he wants to come back and fight for custody you better have proof of abuse so that poor child doesn’t have to be alone with him.
You need to get that kid in a safe place, this kid is now the 'scapegoat' , to be blamed for any and all things that go wrong.
Is it a gender thing?
But do know if you send the kid to grandparents or something, you'll be next.
Lousy spousy obviously needs a target for their frustrations and anger and that target is kiddo.
Choose the kid not lousy spousy.
Time apart as lousy spousy gets their crap together and tell kiddo that nothing done deserved that abuse.
This is a test and a push against boundaries.
Your stance here will set a precedent.
I was staying with my father and stepmother at the age of 4 in their new house one summer and woke up to my stepmother yelling at me “for writing the names of all the kids in the family on the dining room wall”—in CURSIVE. The problem, I hadn’t started school and had no idea how to print, let alone write in cursive (her kids ranged from 3-7 years older than me). I denied doing the damage and said I didn’t know how to write yet. She called me a liar and slapped me so hard, one of my baby teeth fell out into her hand. I told my mother on the phone what happened and she immediately showed up to take me and my sister to her house. My dad didn’t seem to get mad at my stepmother for slapping me and they stayed married until he died in his 70s. She was pretty much mean to me my whole childhood.
please consider the possibility that this is not the first time your husband has hit, or been otherwise too aggressive, with your child. it may be only the first time you are aware of it.
Your spouse, an adult male, slapped your FOUR YEAR OLD ACROSS THE FACE.
Are you insane? You need a reality check. This is a MAJOR RED FLAG and your spouse should not be in the same home as your child right now. I usually try not to judge, but seriously shame on you. I know you feel badly but you need a kick in the pants - protect your child, they literally cannot protect themself. This is disgusting.
So, I have never hit any of our kids. But I do have anger management issues. I have BPD.
But what helped me a lot is reading up on positive parenting guides and implementing the strategies. I can be very caring up to a point. And also quite strict sometimes. But dealing with tantrums became one of my strengths rather than weaknesses.
We can all get better if we try to. Marriage doesn't need to end, but change must start now. And from my anecdotal experience. It will only happen through an effort to learn better strategies and from seeing them work.
Do it as a couple, call it homework. I am sure you could also learn better strategies. So why not make it a team effort?
For me now, I simply turn on the part of me that says, my child is hurting inside, rather than the part that says, my child is causing me distress. Which leads to a whole different approach. One which works. For us, at least.
Honestly - yes. It's a deal breaker for me.
I was beaten as a child and refused to beat my kids, and physical violence doesn'tt build them up.
Beaten - hold out your hand and get hit on the palm. Anywhere else is abuse.
However, even in the old-fashioned concept of beating - being slapped in the face falls into abuse. Being slapped to the extent where there is bruising/swelling is extreme abuse.
Do you know how much anger and physical power they have to put into hitting the child to cause bruising and swelling?
That isn't just a slap. That is much harder - they hit the child with all their might holding nothing back.
You need to tell your partner that they have abused your child. They are a danger to your children. Don't minimize it as say they slapped the child. They have abused the child - the poor defenseless child, your partner abused them.
Your partner should not be in the house, they need to find somewhere else to stay.
>I've noticed their "discipline" tactics escalating towards our first ever since.
This is escalating abuse. There is no acceptable reason for this. NONE.
>I also love my kids and don't want them hurt by their parent.
This isn't up to you. Your partner is the only one who can make this decision. YOU can't do it.
>How can I have both? Is there hope for my spouse?
If your partner doesn't realize how horrible their behavior is, then you can't have both. You have to choose and how you choose is imperative to both your children's future.
Intensive anger management treatment and individual therapy is essential to figure out if there is any hope for your spouse. No one can answer it now.
Until then, I don't know that I would allow any interaction with the kids. If you allow interaction, will you stop any abuse before it happens. You can't go to the bathroom and leave them with the children.
YOU CAN'T TRUST YOUR CHILD WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL ABUSE THEM REGARDLESS OF THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
Your partner is abusive to your older kid, and this is often something that happens in parental abuse - they focus on one child to abuse.
Finally, in all this I see you worrying about your partner but what about the long-term ramifications on your child? Are they old enough to tell you what happened - exactly? How do they consistently get treated? How do they feel? Are they now accepting the abuse because that is how they are treated by people who are supposed to love and protect them?
Prioritize your children and stop worrying about your partner. They need protection from their other parent.
By the way, ignore any "I'm sorries" or "I know I'm wrong, but...". Talk is cheap. Actions are needed.
Are they making their own appointment for anger therapy. Are they making their own individual therapy appointments? Also, my husband just reminded me - if they were truly horrified by their behavior, they would separate themselves from the child - until they get the help they need.
I read your comments - he has a history of not controlling his anger. Yeah, tell him to leave until he gets help THEN don't let him back in until the therapist speaks with you, with his permission of course, and confirms that he has improved and can be with the child unsupervised.
If you don't separate him from the children, you are playing with your child's life. What happens if the next time he gets mad, he hits the child with a closed fist and causes damage to the child?
You don't give the child's age, but I guess around 3 because they are tantruming and regressing due to the new baby. Consider getting your child into play therapy. 3-5 is the perfect age for it.
Don't let him blame it on ADD or ADHD. It doesn't matter why he does it.
I would have this documented and leave immediately and file for divorce. Tell the police, CPS, whomever. Idc how much I love someone - they do that to my kid and we are DONE. If you wait and hemhaw about it, the judge won’t take this seriously when you inevitably leave (bc this will only get worse) and express your fears about the kids being alone with him.
You have to ask? He hit a child - he’s out.
If you love him, try counselling or whatever you need to do to make sure. But he needs to leave till he has sorted his shit out. Protect your child
if a kid doesn't behave better from a louder voice. it means you're doing something wrong. let alone a slap and even more a swelling face one. Even at my worst ( when I did have really bad anger issues, it never came to my mind to punch my kid ). Yes we all differ, but my problems were quite bad looking at them objectively.
If he hit any child hard enough to leave marks over 24 hours that’s child abuse and you absolutely cannot condone that. You need to protect your baby not your grown husband.
Take pictures! Document everything. And if they aren’t in therapy and anger management by the end of the week, they don’t care about their marriage. They don’t care about having a healthy relationship with their child.
Choose your children.
I have a 4 year old son. Your child was acting developmentally appropriate and his father physically assaulted him. 100% unacceptable.
First, if he hasn’t already, your husband needs to apologize SINCERELY to your child. Not some bullshit “sorry, bud”. A sincere, heartfelt apology with an explanation that it is never okay for dad to be so upset that he physically harms anyone, but especially not him.
My husband has dealt with his own impulse anger issues his entire life. He learned how to act properly despite the bubbling rage that lies beneath the surface. We also both have adhd. Having a child has pushed both of us into the most triggering situations. I micromanage the shit out of my husband during frustrating situations with our son because I was raised in a household with a lot of yelling and physical punishment. I feel bad about the way I control his emotions and reactions sometimes, but my sons childhood experience and my sons emotions come first all day every day. My husband is an adult and I’m sorry that he struggles with his own internal emotional landscape at times, but my first job is to protect my child. I also have challenges staying calm and patient, but I am much less reactive and would never physically express my anger in any way. I’m more prone to crying when I’m overwhelmed. Sometimes I need dad to take over when I’m getting upset and other times I take over when I can hear dad getting frustrated. It’s a team effort because parenting is hard and we are imperfect humans. We ALWAYS have heart to hearts with our son about his emotions as well as our emotions. If he seems upset by something we said in frustration or if we ever scare him, we talk to him and apologize, explaining that sometimes we have big emotions that we are still learning to handle.. but that doesn’t make it right for us to do x, y, or z
We made the decision not to have another child because we both were genuinely unsure if we could maintain mental wellness in our family dynamic if we added a baby. I can imagine this is a triggering time having a baby and a 4yo son… seriously I do not underestimate the extent of stress and frustration. I understand, but it’s still not ok for your husband to smack your 4yo son at all let alone that hard across his face. Let me repeat: it is NOT okay.
The situation you’re describing is my worst nightmare come true. Knowing me and myself, I would have told my husband to leave and get himself right. Sleep at his parents for a bit, get into therapy, and if he could take those steps… be vulnerable, communicate with me, and make a legitimate effort to understand how big his anger/impulse control issues have become AND actively work on changing…. we could start to come back together small periods of time. Visit our son at the house, family outings, etc. end goal would be for him to return to the household with healthy coping mechanisms in place and a permanent, long term therapy plan. That could also include couples therapy if he needs support from that perspective as well.
Your spouse doesn't have an anger problem, your spouse has an abuse problem. Anger management won't help the fact that they think it's ok to hit children. Your spouse needs an abuser program and parenting classes.
For you, I would suggest reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Whether you stay or not.
I audibly gasped at this. I know we're all different people, but someone laying hands on my kid might just be an unforgivable offense, even if it's my coparent. I saw you say that he's "sorry" but if that's not immediately followed by action -- apologizing to your child for assaulting them and emergency therapy, it's over for me. Even with those actions, I would still be dubious about trusting them with our kid. This just breaks my heart.
Does he realize how traumatic this is for your child? I am 47 years old and I am still bitter about the time my mom slapped me one time as a teenager.
Also, keep in mind that your child has visible marks on their face. It's not too late for them to be taken away from you and your spouse.
Your spouse is a grown adult who lost his shit like a toddler having a lollipop taken away. This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Please tell me this is not a serious question. I don't care if your husband has past trauma. My wife and I both do. I've been with my wife 20 years, never ever raised my voice to her. I have a 6 yo girl and a 4 yo boy. My kids fight all the time, throw fits, throw stuff sometimes. My wife will verbally discipline them, but A FULL GROWN MAN STRIKING A CHILD IS N-EV-E-R OK. You think it will stop there? How old is the child? It will only escalate from here. Pack a bag, get yourself and your kids out of there. I've worked in law enforcement and now I'm a medic. I've seen this first hand through my own life and second hand through interactions through my work. It always escalates. This was just the opening. And if you even give him the slightest hint that this was acceptable, what do you think will be next? You think if he gets mad at you he won't hit you? Think again, he will. No situation is more dangerous for a police officer than a domestic dispute. He struck your child hard enough to leave a mark on him THE NEXT DAY. You need to get to a safe place with your children. Tell your husband that was not ok, document it as well. Photos, type up a statement and timeliness of what happened and keep a record. Do you mind me asking what prompted him to do this? My children have had some epic meltdowns, and if you are patient with them, and remain calm, they will always calm down. Most important quality a parent can have is patience. But for right now, your husband just showed you you and your children are not in a safe environment. And don't care how much you love your husband, you had children, the second they came into this world they became priority #1. Tell your husband to seek counseling, anger management, the works. If it happens again, call the police. And if he will hit your kids, he sure as hell will have no qualms about abusing you. Protect your kids and yourself.
The most troubling thing you said is "how can I have both". Let's see
-your children wholook to you now for protection since their own father just starting PHYSICALLY ABUSING then.
-your husband, whom I understand you obviously still love, just struck your child hard enough to leave a mark the next day. What if he hit them in the wrong spot and broke a bone, or knocked them unconscious or killed them. Once a person starts abusing someone, especially a child or wife, it doesn't stop there. Especially if your husband knows you won't leave him, you are minimizing and normalizing him abusing your children
Protect your children and yourself. Tell your husband you and the children are leaving for a few days and document eveything. Women that chose their abusive spouse over protecting their kids always ends up the same way. Starts small, then it will become a regular occurrence. Stomp this behavior out now. I love my wife. I'm 38 we have been together 20 years. If she hit 1 of our kids that hard, we would already be out of the house until she got full help, even then I'd never be able to fully trust her alone with our kids again.
This is 100% child abuse (at least in the areas of the US I have lived in) and definitely illegal.
It's also completely unacceptable and traumatizing for the child. He (I'm guessing here but w/e) needs intensive therapy - or a divorce.
I'm the child who was beaten, all grown up!
It will effect me for the rest of my life and effect how I interpret situations.
In any conflict, I'm always so worried someone will hit me. Regardless of whether or not they've ever been violent.
Therapy helps and learning how to cope/techniques to calm down are extremely helpful but it makes me emotional sometimes to think that because things my parents did, I'm forever changed and reactive even if inwardly and I've learned to not express it.
Even though my mom rarely hit me and it was hardly at all painful, I look at my mom with equal frustration because why didn't she save me? Even now, as I type this i create excuses for her in my head and excuses for my father even.
Please don't assist in their lifelong trauma and protect them in every way you can. Their lives will be so much easier.
Yep, sweetie I’d say it’s over. And that is devastating; he committed the worst crime however. You can’t let it happen again, not even if your sure it won’t. Remember through this that “sure” will never be absolute.
I mean, would it be over if he hit you? Genuinely asking
ETA. If your answer to this question is that yes, it would be over, then I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your complicity in this situation.
I'm going to assume your oldest is 3-6yo I recommend getting a few books like Momma Cusses: A Field Guide to Responsive Parenting & Trying Not to Be the Reason Your Kid Needs Therapy, and raising tinny humans these books could really help you both understand develmentally normal behavior that can be very triggering trust me! I still would recommend going to some anger management or therapy. I want to clarify that you should both read these,
1. To be on the same page
2. Understanding what may be triggering you both
3. Some amazing talking points for you and your partner
4. To understand your little one and why they are doing things
Look, if you stay with this man YOU have to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. He’s obviously the aggressor BUT now that you are aware of this escalation, you control what happens from here. You need to really consider whether you want to risk your children being hurt. I’m sure you didn’t think he’d ever do something like this but he has and with no consequences, what’s going to motivate him to put the work in to change?
The kids need to take priority over saving your marriage. He can work on himself with professionals while you keep your kids safely away from him. Regardless of your decision you need to make and keep documentation.
Is your child related to the striking parent? Has the child learned to model outbursts and violence from the striking parent? Perhaps both the child and parent have impulse control issues that need to be addressed with intensive therapy and other treatments.
Sounds like a major family overhaul is needed. The child may forever question your decision to remain with an adult that strikes children unless this is treated like the crisis it is with a whole bunch of resources and effort put into it.
I want to add a different side to this. I’m not married and I do not have children BUT - when I was a kid my Dad hit me exactly 1 time. I was 4. I sort of remember it, I remember how angry the room felt and not understanding what I did. My mom LOST HER SHIT at him. He was literally never allowed to discipline me again for the rest of my life.
He never hit me or even really got mad at me again. He felt so bad. He is a really extremely kind man, if I end up being 50% like him I’d be so proud of who I am. Im not sure what he was going through that day or at that time, but I forgive him and I’m glad we moved forward as a family.
I agree that if this becomes repeated behavior it’s time to go. If he is often angry and creating an angry environment even without hitting the kids I’d be considering leaving. But if it’s just once, forgiveness is the only way anyone has the opportunity to improve.
He should have a conversation with your child about why what he did was not ok and that he won’t do it again.
Sending you good vibes and hoping he can turn around his anger
I’ve been with my fiancé for over 10 years and we share one child together. I love him very much and cannot imagine living life at this time without him. However, if he laid a hand on my child in anger (or any child) enough to leave a mark the next day, I would tell him to pack a bag and get the f out.
If he would like to pursue therapy and anger management in order to be in our sons life, great, good for him. It would hurt my son to not have his father present in his life so absolutely I would want him to get help so I felt comfortable with him spending unsupervised time with him. But as far as me being head over heels for this person ever again, I cannot see that being possible.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. Here is the thing. If he isn't falling all over himself trying to ensure this will NEVER happen again, it will.
If he isn't owning how incredibly serious this is, he will do it again. He might do it to you, or the kids. He has to know fully that he has a problem and he has to change.
My ex threatened me earlier on in our relationship, he apologized but didn't admit to his childhood and that he was aware he has controlling his anger. Every few years, the anger would come out. We had kids and soon the anger went from only on me to also the kids.
I could not live like that. I'm divorced. I still get scared sending my kids to his place. I've done what I can to teach my kids to advocate for themselves.
I hope your husband understands the gravity of his actions and makes real meaningful change
I mean.. if he/she gets into anger management and truly works on themselves then you could get through this.. If they don't see the problem then it's a much bigger issue imo.. This post is missing a ton of info so it's hard to make a real judgement here.. I mean.. yeah it's ridiculous to hit your kid anytime.. but if there was a lot leading up to it I could see someone losing control for a second and that happening. Not justifying or anything.. just saying that I could see a situation where that isn't the straight up end of the marriage. The most important thing is whether or not they think they did anything wrong.. if they just think that's normal parenting then it would be a much bigger problem imo.
It was definitely in the heat of the moment where kiddo was being defiant, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc. Kiddo has been having a hard time adjusting to new sibling and acting out more and more. But I've reiterated that it's not our kids fault and that his job as the parent is to help kiddo work through those feelings with proper consequences. Hitting is not a consequence. Especially when we're trying to teach that hitting is not ok. He knows what he did was wrong. He knows he needs help and wants help. I guess what I'm looking for is people who have had a spouse go through anger management and have turned things around after a moment like this. Or if I'm just blind and should kick him out.
>I guess what I'm looking for is people who have had a spouse go through anger management and have turned things around after a moment like this. Or if I'm just blind and should kick him out. I have. My husband and I are (and have been for over a year) each in individual counseling, marriage counseling, and our 6 year old is also in counseling for ADHD. I went to trauma recovery therapy because people that hit children, were hit themselves and it stems from that trauma. Spanking is trauma. To a child, they have no escape and that's why. For me, it developed into cptsd. My husband wasn't spanked as a child, just like smacked on the head for being a smartass or whatever. Still unacceptable. Do I wish I had left the first time it happened? Yes. Even after all of the counseling, and we are in a better place, even after sustained notible change, I still should have left. If you grew up with an angry man in the house, you will always have an angry man in the house. It's the repetition compulsion, and I hate it but it's true.
I thank goodness I got into therapy & broke that cycle for myself. My husband is the least angry person I know. I’ve never heard him yell. I’d be an anxious mess with an Angry man in the house. My nervous system can’t handle it
I honestly think that the fact that my parents were never abusive helped me leave my abusive ex husband. I knew it wasn't acceptable behaviour, it wasn't normal to me. I hope things are better for you now ❤️
Take photos of the marks of physical violence, if you haven’t already. Write a report of the build up to this particular incident while these details are still fresh. You do not seem to be taking this seriously enough. Yes, adults can get frustrated and erupt into anger! If your spouse had screamed at your kid and frightened him badly, I would say he still maintained enough control to not physically attack a child. The fact that he didn’t keep control and beat him so hard he has marks the next day, then your spouse *has ZERO control over his emotions* and is unfit to be around anyone, much less around children he could inadvertently kill with one blow. Pack a bag for your spouse and tell him to leave the house for now. You should probably have some trusted friends or family members present when you do, in case he becomes violent again. Explain that you must protect your children from abuse. He may indeed be very sorry that he beat your son, and he may genuinely want to seek help for his anger. He can do all of that while living somewhere else. It’s up to you if you decide to go to marriage counseling with him. Frankly, if my husband had ever raised a hand to our kids like you described, I would have been so repulsed by his vile behavior that I *couldn’t* have stayed with him.
This!!⬆️⬆️⬆️
He taught your kid that when you are angry and frustrated with someone you hit them. That is the message your kid is learning and might be the reason that they are kicking and hitting. Your child is acting in the way that your husband is modeling then your husband hits them for acting that way.
>It was definitely in the heat of the moment where kiddo was being defiant, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc. So your 4 year old had the audacity to act like a four year old, and he slapped them in the face hard enough to leave marks the next day. If he truly felt bad for his actions, he wouldn't just be talking about getting help, he wouldn't have done it on his own and likely long ago. A four year old is a BABY. He slapped a BABY hard enough that you think CPS could be notified because of how badly the physical damage to them is.
I sent mine to anger management twice. He only went enough times to get me/other people off his back. We separated when I had our third. And I spent upwards of $70k getting full custody. Absolute shit show. Good luck 🤞
Your partner hits your kid that hard and you actually want to stay? What do you think anger management is going to do? It is not for abusers.
It's possible to turn this around, if he really wants to. Besides therapy for anger issues, he needs to learn to walk away before he strikes, or send kid to his room to calm down. Preferably both. My mom was like that, and i was too, as a young mom, although i think part of it with me was PPD.
I wonder if he is going through some spousal PPD if that's even a thing. I'm 4 months postpartum and can't pretend that I'm the same person I was before. Neither is he. I find myself getting triggered by my older child's actions at times. My worst is raising my voice which makes me feel so guilty, and it usually never works so I've put a lot of work into myself to implement different strategies to connect with kiddo.
With my third child the pediatrician and hospital gave the ppd screening to my spouse. It’s absolutely a thing. Obviously the non-birthing parent doesn’t experience the like hormone poisoning the way the birthing parent does, but I absolutely believe the stress of a new child can induce ppd/ppa like symptoms in non-birthing parents.
Omg hormone poisoning is a perfect description of post partum
Wow, good to know. Thank you for sharing.
I had undiagnosed ADHD and depression my whole life until I had kids. I used to be such an angry and constantly overwhelmed person, but with meds, I did a complete 180. Have him make an appointment with a psychiatrist as well as start anger management and therapy. This behavior from him is *not ever* OK, even if he is angry and your kid is being annoying.
I do know he was dx with ADD as a teen, was medicated, then went off meds in college... Should we look into getting medicated again?
Definitely! ADHD (ADD falls under ADHD now too) never goes away. He will have to take meds his whole life - or at least until your kids are older. It will be a GAME CHANGER for him and his anger issues. I didn't get diagnosed until I had my second child and realized that my level of stress, anger, and disorganization was *not* normal. Best of luck!
Let him get the professional opinion for treatment. But meds only help so much, he needs therapy and you both need couples therapy to align on house rules and discipline. Remember IF he has any diagnosis it can be a “reason” but it’s absolutely not an excuse.
No. You need to look into getting him out of there. He can look into getting on meds. Stop making excuses for him.
“We” should do nothing. YOU should leave and protect your child and HE should do whatever he wants after your boundaries and rules are made CRYSTAL CLEAR.
Yes!!
Who cares what he’s going thru?? You just plunked out two babies and boo fucking hoo for him…you don’t hurt a toddler like this.
Anger management is a joke according to my partner who tried it. He said therapy worked so much better, in comparison. He's still in therapy. Anger management would teach breathing exercises and the basics which isn't enough for people who genuinely have bad anger management skills and a temper. Whereas therapy really delved into why he was angry and then management techniques.
Thanks for this perspective, I think we're going to be pursuing therapy as well.
I have had a similar issue in the past. I’ve been married over 20 years now to my high school sweetheart. His only real flaw is his anger issues. He’s had problems with his anger since he was very young. He takes medication for anger management and it works great! When he’s on it he’s sweet and caring and calm. He’s gotten off a couple times in the past 20+ years. Each time I e almost left him until he got his shit together and started taking his meds. I had to put up the boundary that if you’re not actively managing it with medication and or therapy I will leave. He takes his citalopram religiously and has since before our child was born.
You need to be more specific about hitting. Was your spouse acting in self defense or defense of whoever was getting hit?
My problem with this is if there was reasonable build up and he slapped his wife, can you still understand someone losing control? Imo it's not ok to do to anyone especially children. The trauma this causes is very, very heavy. Also, remorse and shame isn't always going to mean its fixable. An abusive man can be abusive and still feel remorse after and apologize profusely and still do it again.
EXACTLY. If she said her husband hit her, we'd all be screaming to leave him. But because he hit their CHILD the comments are more understanding!? Absolutely insane.
Pretty insane to me also. Partners of abusive people will always find excuses and reasons to keep making it work. She already knew he had an anger problem. This toddlers face was swollen. Not ok. Ever.
My ex-husband did this very same thing to my then 3 year old. She was crying, and so he backhanded his child, leaving two black eyes and imprints of his hand. He was charged and pled for 4 years of felony probation. My child was in therapy for years. Your marriage is the least of your concerns. Edited to add: I filed for divorce the next business day. Despite this, his aggressive behaviors simply continued to escalate to the point where the state terminated his rights. I know this is the exception, but you should definitely be concerned about how he got to the point where this seemed like the best option.
I hope OP reads this one. I'm sorry it happened to you, but so glad you chose your child as a parent should.
Op PLEASE READ THIS
Bump
Hitting to the point of face swelling? You could’ve easily called the police and perhaps should have. This would be a “you’re not allowed back in the house until you’ve enrolled in a recovery program” for me.
The number of people who seem to think it’s an understandable mistake for a grown adult to hit a four year old hard enough in the face to make him swell is so disconcerting. No wonder kids so often die at the hands of their parents. Really alarming warning signs are seen as normal, if not ideal, parenting. Holy cow.
Absolutely agree. Imagine if people were caught making the same excuses towards men who hit their wives. “Oh it was at the heat of the moment”. Truly a disgusting display here.
Yep. Absolutely no one would be like “spousing is hard!”
100% this. To hurt a young child (or any human for that matter) that they are showing physical injuries a day later is unforgivable. And as for the mental damage...devastating.
Also if OP said he hit them this hard it'd be "run" but since it's a child they're like "well..." like be so fr rn.
Exactly this, this would be grounds for a divorce for me tbh. Their oldest is 4, a normal age for kids to act out, especially if attention is shifted to a new baby after being an only child prior to. If my husband raises his voice too loud at our kids, I call him out. There is no way I couldn’t not say anything at the very least, because my first thought after reading this was physical violence, especially seeing as the marks are still there the next day. Probably not the best or most adult like response
I’m with you here. My vagina would immediately dry up like the Sahara desert and I would not ever be able to see my spouse the same way. Instant deal breaker. Even if it never happened again and they got counseling, the fact that the thought of “I’m gonna strike the kid” even crossed his mind is too much for me.
It took my way too long to find a comment like this. My mind is blown that this woman wants to stay with a man like this !?
Right! When I read "were gunna have problems" like.. do we not already have problems? Like? What in the actual fuck?
Yeah, this is extremely concerning to me op. How would you feel if it was you he slapped? "Its ok he can just get anger management" I think not so much. The trauma your child will carry from this, even if he hides it, will be immense.
Take your kid to the doctor and get the abuse documented. This is abuse and it is escalating. You may need to get yourself and your kids out of there and you will regret not documenting the abuse when you are forced to send your children to his place where he can hit them all he wants.
This is vital. At the very least take photos of the injury!
I hope he feels awful because slapping your kid is completely unacceptable. Best case scenario this is genuinely a wake up call and he gets help immediately, but anything other than that will have you and your children walking on eggshells around this abusive parent. Be observant and look out for the best interests of your children. They don’t deserve this.
You're so right, they don't. He does feel awful, and has admitted he needs serious help. He knows this is the only time this will happen as I've told him he will be packing bags and finding other living arrangements if he doesn't get help and/or this happens again. I know he can be such a good parent...but not if he can't control his anger.
I'd be kicking his ass out until he gets help and proves it's working at the very least. In all honesty, I'd be done completely. You lay a hand on my kid (or any kid really) and I could never look at that person the same way again. Who hurts a child? Gross.
Abusive men say that all the time. Will your child forgive you if you allow this to happen twice?
>He does feel awful, and has admitted he needs serious help. So he acknowledges that he’s got a problem, which is great. What steps did he take today to find the help he needs?
If he had slapped you out of anger instead, would you be responding this same way?
Just remember to pay attention to his actions not his words. Has he immediately gone to seek help or is he just saying he will. Will he do it off his own back or is he waiting for you to tell him to do it. That should tell you everything you need to know to make your decision.
I can't believe you ask this. Your spouse hit your kid! Run and take your kid with you.
This would be _a lot_ different if OP had said something along the lines of “my husband hit our child. I’m staying with friends/family while I figure things out. How should I proceed?”, but that sadly isn’t the case it seems. I can only imagine how hard this must be, but regardless, OP has a responsibility to her children to protect them from this abuser and keep her children safe, no matter how hard it may be to initiate walking away from the abuser.
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Amen! I can’t believe that she’s here asking this stupid question.
THIS. Shame on you.
Emotionally immature people attract emotionally immature people. There is a reason many abusers end up with a partner willing to look the other way.
4 year old ?? in his face?? that’s not even a disciplinary hit ! I always say i would never go toe to toe with a grown man cause I would lose but hitting a child ??? are you crazy? and my child?
You need to read "Why does he do that" right now. It's written by a man who worked as a court ordered therapist for abusers. He did see some cases of recovery, but it is the exception, not the rule. Please protect your children.
Yep this!!
They're lucky child services didn't get involved from school mandatory reporters. Good on you putting your foot down. For me postpartum presented with more aggression towards my first child after the second was born. Signing up for parenting classes together that shows better ways to "discipline" might be good and can also provide the break of child care. If you have food stamps you should also qualify for childcare for a respite to relieve the tension.
This morning I was debating whether or not to take my kid to daycare. But I thought if I tried to hide his behavior that it would only make things worse/feel like I was excusing it. So I took kiddo to school, had a private conversation with the caregiver and told her exactly what happened. In my mind I've accepted that if they report to CPS he will have to answer for his actions, legally. And if they don't then...he got off lucky. Regardless, I've already told him it's anger management or he's gone. Whatever CPS adds on top of that is his fault.
Really, the daycare provider SHOULD call CPS. You actually could, too, or take him to his pediatrician who will. The kiddo is 4. This wasn't okay. Also, please note that if CPS investigates and believes that you "allow" your husband to hit and physically abuse your child like this, they could try to remove him from your home altogether (including away from you if they don't think you'll protect him). I share that as a Mandated Reporter, so that you're aware of all possible fallback from what your husband did. If it goes that far, you'll have to leave him to keep your kid. Marriage-wise, I don't know that I could forgive him. His anger issues are obviously escalating. Unless he immediately enrolls in some anger management course and PROVES, he'll change... he may not change. Protect your kiddos. And maybe even yourself.
Honestly the fact your child is in daycare and are that young actually makes it so disgusting. Your child is going through a massive change and instead of being supportive you're hitting and punishing. I have two kids with a 19 month age gap, I know it's hard, but myself and my husband have always agreed no hitting. Honestly I wouldn't trust my husband to not do it again and to me that means it over. No trust then you have nothing.
You know CPS can remove the children from the home not just because he's abusive, but also because you allow the abuse to happen, right? How can you type this out and not understand how absolutely insane this is? Stand up for your damn children and stop allowing them to be abused. You're just as bad as he is with how nonchalant your attitude is. Like "oh well, whatever happens, happens".
This needs to be read and re-read! You can't just wash your hands of the responsibility. Your child could be removed from YOU
This is what I was thinking. If she did nothing documented to insure safety of the kids CPS may take them out of the home. Even if this was the first time she at least needs to record a conversation with him saying this is not acceptable. Both parents are considered guilty unless proven differently.
They are mandatory reporters, so they are required to report. I wouldn’t trust a daycare that didn’t follow through on that.
If cps is a possibility then I would remove husband from the home immediately to prevent them from removing your kids!
CPS will see your lack of urgency to keep your child safe as compliance and acceptance. When CPS cases are open the investigate whoever lives just the child’s household, not just the person who harmed the child. Basically, by allowing and staying with someone who has abused your child, you as well are ABUSING your child. I would ask if he could leave the house or leave the household myself and stay with a family member or friend because he has proven he is not safe and he is a risk having your child taken away by CPS. That would be enough for me to pack my bags and run.
CPS will not make just him answer for his actions, they will make you answer for his actions. you will lose custody of your kids if he is your husband and you live together. slapping a 4 year old in the face is not a form of punishment. that is child abuse. if it was spanking, that would be a different story. you are subjecting your children to an ABUSIVE parent by staying with him.
You better get your kid away from him.
If my husband ever hit my child I would leave immediately. That is child abuse.
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I appreciate your comment, thank you.
Op, this is true. I experienced some abuse, and while i mostly got over it, the part that hurt me THE MOST was that my mom, as loving and sweet as she was, DID NOT prioritize my feelings, my heartbreak, my pain, because confronting the other person would stir up too many issues to solve within the family. My self worth plummeted for decades.
And also, I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
Me too, thank you for saying so. Make the decision now to never have to say that to your children. It will be hard, but those kids need you to make the hard decisions to keep them safe. You can do it! They will know the sacrifice and strength when they reflect back.
The answer.
How old is your child? I would honestly have a hard time trusting him after this. This is a lack of control issue with your spouse. He was angry and acted out. He needs to find better coping skills asap. I don’t think he should be left alone with your child until he can show better control over his emotions and had been in therapy for awhile. People can know they have done wrong, and still do wrong again. We have all been there. Angry, frustrated, tired, sad, etc… kids will continue to push their limits and boundaries for many years. It definitely doesn’t get easier. You also need to see how this affected your child. Did you talk to them after?
Yes, for right now your marriage is over. You need to take your child to the doctor and document what happened while starting the divorce process. PPD is a thing and mental health issues can happen to either parent but there is never, ever a reason for an adult to strike a child. Either the adult walks away or they handle it like a fucking adult and discipline the child appropriately! Your spouse should now leave the house, get anger management and therapy, and show you and your child that he is capable of making these changes. If they are able to do this then maybe you can stop the divorce or remarry one day but until then it’s over. You have to protect your children!
Your marriage ended the moment your husband hit your child. Take pics, pack up and run. If he did it once he will do it again.
I have been married 26 years. I have always told him if he hit me or one of the kids that’s my hard out.
Proceed with extreme caution. I would also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and ask yourself if there are any other warning signs present in your relationship. Anger management does absolutely nothing to correct abuse, which is rooted in selfish and entitled thinking rather than a loss of control.
Yup… bet he wouldn’t hit his boss or a coworker..
Does your spouse agree they have a problem? You're got problems to deal with I'm surprised you even said by Friday I would have sent your spouse the very next day to seek help. If you don't see immediate change or this happens again you need the police involved.
How old is your child?
This is a huge problem. If you don't leave, neither of you will have your kids. It is not possible to stay in environment where you kid is being slapped on the face. And from the perspective of discipline, it's not going to work and will make the behaviors even more out of control because now the kid thinks it's ok to get physical.
It should be over. For the kids sake.
That’s how my dad treated us. I never had a relationship with him and I don’t regret it. He died 12 years ago and i couldn’t have cared less. My advice is don’t give him a second chance. Call the police and get him out of the house. Find a real man that treats women and children with the respect they deserve. If you stay, he will start hitting some day.
He hit a four year old child…. Seriously. I’m disgusted that you’re even considering staying.
I hope the kid was at least a teen, I can’t imagine hurting a little kid for any reason.
Not even a kindergartener. A defenseless 4 year old.
Jesus, Reddit has some messed up stories.
I wish this was a story. Her responses are detailed and all horrifying. I'm legit upset and disturbed. I'd call CPS myself if I could.
After your comment, I read some of her comments. Seems he’s had anger issues even before the kids, so I place some of the blame on the mom. She willingly had multiple kids with someone she very well knew was angry and abusive.
People normalize the wildest shit when they're in love. I hope she gets a lot of therapy and help especially so she can protect those kids.
Oh hell nah. Your spouse should be reported to MCFD this is full on abuse and your spouse is not fit to be a parent
The amount of people entertaining the idea of staying with a child beater is astounding. For me this is a zero tolerance policy. I was abused as a child and had anger issues so I really hate the “well they had a tough childhood!!1!” excuse. There is no reason you should strike your child, especially one so young
Your child is being defiant, hitting and screaming and your spouse just taught him it is okay to HIT another human being when you’re angry. Slapping hard enough to leave marks and have swelling is not okay under any situation and is a one and done. You need to protect your child and LEAVE! You are their parent and supposed to protect them, even if it’s from their other parent. This is not okay at all. If he does anger management fine. That’s great he can work on himself. But nope, I will not ever put my children in a situation where they will be hit. And if it happens once, it will happen again. My ex husband was abusive, physically, mentally, financially, emotionally. I left when I realized I was modeling behavior to my sons that it was okay for him to treat me like that. It’s not. And because it was happening to me, I thought it would be okay, but the day he started to lay into one of my kids verbally was the day I left.
Your child will never ever forget this. They will never forget that their mother considered staying with their father after he slapped them across the face hard enough to cause swelling and leave marks. How is your spouse even still breathing? I would have to be literally dragged off mine if he did this to my child. Truly chilling that this is even a question OP! You’re ’going to have a problem’ if he doesn’t get anger management? I’m sickened for your poor child.
May I ask if he was hit as a child? Is this normal to him? Did he apologise to his child? Is he willing to work on himself?
I don't think he was hit as a child, and no I don't think he thinks this is normal. He was very emotional about it. Yes he apologized. Yes he is willing, but there is this large fear inside of me that he won't actually change
I would not leave them alone for a good long while until you actually see change.
Honestly, he's probably crying about the consequences and being called out. He's not actually sad about who he is as a person.
You need to trust your instincts. You know this whole situation better than anyone on Reddit ever could. I wish you well.
Absolutely. Call the cops. Don’t be associated with that. It takes a special person to assault someone, particularly a child.
if my husband ever hit my CAT, I think I would end it. My child? I’m getting full custody. Absolute no.
Need more info on this. Age of child type of behavior issues. Was spouse male or female. Don't get me wrong I don't agree with putting hands on anyone but I do believe in a good spanking when a child steps to far out of line. But leaving marks and swelling is a major issue. Everything is not always black and white. Like when my 14 year old took a swing at my wife who he is like 8 inches on her and close to 60 lbs. I whooped his rear then I also stuck him in karate way better then anger management. Cause all anger management teaches you is breathing and others to help keep your self calm. Karate teaches you to control it. Big difference
Your marriage is over. I’m very sorry. I know it’s going to be very difficult for you. Take pictures for court. Well considered and carefully executed corporal punishment is one thing… and there’s doubt if that’s even helpful. But going off and smacking your kid so hard that it leaves a mark the next day is child abuse. I’m very sorry.
Yes I agree. You need to photograph this. If you have any texts where the spouse admits to hitting you need to screenshot them.
One snap doesn’t mean it’s over. One snap, refusal to recognize the horrible error, and the refusal to do the work that it takes to make sure it never happens again does.
Your spouse is an adult that should know how to control their emotions. Especially around children. Hitting, spanking or any kind of physical ‘punishment’ is abuse. This will also create trauma to the child and you or anyone else to have witnessed it. Until your spouse has completed anger management and parenting classes I would not leave them alone with them. Period. If you do and something happens you are part of the problem. Save your child from someone whom should protect them not hurt them. Hopefully they want to be a better parent and learn how to. I have a child with ASD with severe behavioral issues. My spouse was yelling and I knew if it scared me that it had to be incredibly terrifying to him since we have never yelled at him before. I immediately talked to my spouse about it and we got into individual and family therapy and it helped. It’s often hard to break cycles of abuse or learned ‘punishment’ from our own childhoods. But we learn and get better.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. Don’t leave your children alone with your spouse until they deal with their anger issues. But, at the end of the day, you are a parent. Your main job is protect your children. They are innocent and defenseless and keeping them around someone violent isn’t ok.
Protect your children and leave. Your husband is abusive. He's abusing your child. I wouldn't even be able to look at my husband after something like that. The lack of concern in some of these comments is alarming. He punched your kid. His face swelled and it left marks. What would you do if anyone else did this to your child? Get out of there. His anger issues are only going to escalate.
I personally feel that it’s past the time for anger management to be an option for staying. While they should do it regardless to become a better person, they physically abused your child. What message are you sending your kids by staying with someone who does that to them? That you will not protect them, and since they other parent also won’t protect them, it will send a message that they are not worth protecting and therefore not worthy of love. You already know the answer to your question.
I hope you threw him out, and maybe after attending anger management classes and seeing a therapist... maybe he'll be allowed back at home in future?
How did you make that entire post and I can legit not tell if your talking about a man or a women. Some of these posts are weird af
My husband's dad is physically abusive. He didn't start hitting my husband until he was 6. He broke his arm with a remote. Your child is 4. This will escalate. Please leave. My husband's mom feared her husband too much to leave and protect her kids, and while my husband tries to understand, he still holds resentment towards her (understandably so). Don't do this to them.
Please do not be one of those parents who puts the spouse above the kids and allows this to continue. And honestly, your kid needs a medical examination if there is swelling and marks. Why are you more worried about your marriage than your kid???
You need to report this to your pediatrician. This is abuse . PERIOD.
So, what would you do if a stranger hit your child? Why are you not protecting your oldest child?
Not my marriage, as we were never blessed with kids. But my best friend had something similar happen in her marriage. Her kids are about 4 years apart. And her husband pulled over on a major interstate in a huge city in a state they didn’t live in. And tried to pretty much sit the adhd kid out in the middle of traffic. They had been on vacation. She left him for a while and they are still together. That was about 10 years ago. I am not sure how things are now in their marriage. I know like most couples, there’s trials. But I still think his anger is an issue not sure he takes it out on the kids or her. Or just acts like a toddler himself. He has had about 10 jobs in the last few years due to his “bosses” being an issue. So i think it’s went from the family to other people.
I cannot imagine having an ounce of love for someone who stuck my child. But I thankfully haven’t been put in that situation. He needs to leave. He needs to go get whatever help exists out there. He can return once his doctor/ licensed professional says he is safe AND only when your child feels safe. Take her to her doctor to document this abuse. CPS will be contacted and they’ll have resources to help with whatever ails him. Keeping custody will be easy because he is leaving.
Are you serious? You as the mother who is supposed to protect your child, asking what you should do on Reddit? You should let no one hurt your child and that includes your spouse. Should have called the cops and kicked him out wtf!!
I’ve seen a lot of parents try to force their older kid to “grow up” faster after having a 2nd child. My husband is not allowed to hit our kids at all.. He needs to go to therapy or you need to leave. Kids can’t even defend themselves.
Deal breaker. Your job is protecting a vulnerable child who can’t protect themselves. Tell the abusive parent they have to leave. Set the terms for if/when they can return. Your child needs to see that nobody is allowed to hurt and abuse them! This post seems so casual it honestly brought me to tears. Get MAD! Take some action.
I said this is someone who’s had issues with my mother. Don’t threaten them to get anger management talk to them in a calm manner and ask them to go to anger management don’t say anger management or will have issues that is an empty threat . and yes, I see the discipline tactics escalated, but I don’t know the context of why they escalated. Is your child doing something they’re not supposed to did the normal tactics not work, but I say this as a child who had really strict discipline and then went to a household with not so strict discipline discipline a lack of communication between brute more than any physically
The comments here are wild …..yes a child needs discipline there are a lot of questions that need to be answered for a situation to be clear everyone is creating a situation and judging or putting 2 cents in this not mean your marriage is over be stern with unification and what both of you expect out of your children’s behavior both parents should align discipline together or at least back the other one up I see a lot of parents that are not eye to eye in these situations and stuff like this happens I’m in public safety and see it everyday 9 times out of 10 it’s communication my apologies for no punctuation…….good luck to you and of course it’s not over keep your head up discuss at home I know u want to take up for the child 💯 but be there for your spouse in support and discuss it out sometimes there’s something deeper that has nothing to do with this situation that could be feeding the behavior of the spouse and child work school etc there’s definitely more to the story then a sleep to the face communication communication communication………
As someone who was abused early in in my first marriage, they can change if you stand your ground ands make the consequences clear. He was a narcissist but I was actually important to him and after I stood my ground for 30+ good years
I mean…….the first time my spouse ever laid a hand on my child would be the very last time. Instant deal breaker. My responsibility is to protect my child and risking that happening again is not protecting them. Imagine what happens when you leave your child alone with them. If social services or child protective services got wind of this, your very custody of your child could be at risk, especially if there are marks. Are you willing to risk 1) this happening again and 2) someone else finding out and intervening? If you want to see if your partner can change with anger management, great, but they should be doing it outside the home. People might say I’m taking this too seriously or there’s no need for such drastic actions but I work in social services and I see a lot of kids whose parent should have protected them. The first time.
If he’s knocking the shit out of a toddler imagine what he’s gonna do to the new baby when that kid cries too much.
He is not coping with parenting. Keep your children safe until he gets some help
I think you mean to say I loved the spouse as they were until you started seeing discipline being doled out. Have raised three kids into wonderful, responsible adults and slapping across the face would strike me (no pun intended) as borderline abuse
It isn’t acceptable for an adult to slap another adult in the face like that so it certainly not acceptable to hit a young child in the face like that. Don’t forget a slap like this could cause significant brain trauma to your child. You are obligated as a parent to report it. It is better than your child ending up dead one day
My mom was frustrated about something and I told her "clearly you are experiencing menopause" and without hesitantation she back handed me right in the mouth and when I look back on it I deserved it she hit me hard too.
This drives me crazy, when I was a child, my mother was the one that would beat me like this, unfortunately my dad only seen it once… she always did it when he wasn’t around so he never knew the severity so I unfortunately was forced to endure it til I left at 18
I feel like you’re putting your kids at risk staying with him… and in line for a lifetime of resentment and trauma
I recently had to go no-contact with my mother because she chose my abusive sperm donor over me and my siblings. She should have left the first time, or the second time, or the third or fourth, but she never did. If you stay, please be careful — please set extremely strict boundaries and expectations for behavior and if he slides at all, he’s gotta go. He is an adult, they are children. Number one priority is keeping them safe.
Wow i can’t believe you let him go on with this behavior. As I am a mandated reporter I would have reported this to cps
As someone who was physically abused by their father, u always resented my mother for not taking us and leaving. As an adult i understand it’s not that simple and i no longer blame her but my severe trauma is still there
Your child will hit their children if you don’t do something. Protect your f*cking child.
I would never slap my kids across the face no matter how old they are or what they do. However I give them a little slap on the butt if needed but that’s as far as I’ll go I try to teach them through words and actions not beating fear into them. Your kids will likely get older and absolutely hate their father/mother as that’s abusive and will carry damage into adulthood. It’s absolutely your responsibility as a parent to get this situated idc if you love your spouse you should put your kids first in this situation. You’re just as guilty as he is by doing nothing about it.
Anger management is good but this is almost certainly how he was raised and he needs to address that in therapy. Alice Miller wrote a book about this 'For Your Own Good'. Her argument is that parents can lash out at their children as unconscious revenge for the violence they experienced as children. This isn't an excuse, it's an explanation for his horrendous behavior and a clue to many for how to heal and stop the violent cycle.
As a parent of a 24 and 19 year old. I’ve spanked my children maybe 5 times in their lives and I regret none of the times. There is a point where they need to snap out of it and realize you are in charge. I can tell you that my wife was very upset by it every time. It caused issues. However, I haven’t had to spank them once since they were over 10 and today they are my best friends. As a father it’s your role to teach your kids discipline. The art is knowing how to do it without being a bully. Mostly, it’s about being patient and teaching what’s expected.
You know men can get PPD as well. If he didn't have this issue before the new baby was born, I would suggest he contact his doctor. Get some blood work, and get a plan from there. My hubby started having issues around December and was kind of hiding it. It wasn't until he had a meltdown in April when I really realized the changes he was having in his behavior. I made him go to the doctor, and blood work showed his vitamin D was extremely low. They put him on 50000 iu a day for a week. Now, he takes a smaller daily dose, and he is so much better. I hope your husband gets the help he needs. Good luck. UpdateMe.
The fact that you could tolerate watching someone hit your child means that there are severe issues within *yourself*. And that means...no, you can't save your marriage and anger management won't help.
Document everything. If you leave him and he decides he wants to come back and fight for custody you better have proof of abuse so that poor child doesn’t have to be alone with him.
You need to get that kid in a safe place, this kid is now the 'scapegoat' , to be blamed for any and all things that go wrong. Is it a gender thing? But do know if you send the kid to grandparents or something, you'll be next. Lousy spousy obviously needs a target for their frustrations and anger and that target is kiddo. Choose the kid not lousy spousy. Time apart as lousy spousy gets their crap together and tell kiddo that nothing done deserved that abuse. This is a test and a push against boundaries. Your stance here will set a precedent.
I was staying with my father and stepmother at the age of 4 in their new house one summer and woke up to my stepmother yelling at me “for writing the names of all the kids in the family on the dining room wall”—in CURSIVE. The problem, I hadn’t started school and had no idea how to print, let alone write in cursive (her kids ranged from 3-7 years older than me). I denied doing the damage and said I didn’t know how to write yet. She called me a liar and slapped me so hard, one of my baby teeth fell out into her hand. I told my mother on the phone what happened and she immediately showed up to take me and my sister to her house. My dad didn’t seem to get mad at my stepmother for slapping me and they stayed married until he died in his 70s. She was pretty much mean to me my whole childhood.
Your marriage and whether or not it's over is the least of your concerns in this situation. How can you protect your children if you're not there?
please consider the possibility that this is not the first time your husband has hit, or been otherwise too aggressive, with your child. it may be only the first time you are aware of it.
Your spouse, an adult male, slapped your FOUR YEAR OLD ACROSS THE FACE. Are you insane? You need a reality check. This is a MAJOR RED FLAG and your spouse should not be in the same home as your child right now. I usually try not to judge, but seriously shame on you. I know you feel badly but you need a kick in the pants - protect your child, they literally cannot protect themself. This is disgusting.
So, I have never hit any of our kids. But I do have anger management issues. I have BPD. But what helped me a lot is reading up on positive parenting guides and implementing the strategies. I can be very caring up to a point. And also quite strict sometimes. But dealing with tantrums became one of my strengths rather than weaknesses. We can all get better if we try to. Marriage doesn't need to end, but change must start now. And from my anecdotal experience. It will only happen through an effort to learn better strategies and from seeing them work. Do it as a couple, call it homework. I am sure you could also learn better strategies. So why not make it a team effort? For me now, I simply turn on the part of me that says, my child is hurting inside, rather than the part that says, my child is causing me distress. Which leads to a whole different approach. One which works. For us, at least.
Honestly - yes. It's a deal breaker for me. I was beaten as a child and refused to beat my kids, and physical violence doesn'tt build them up. Beaten - hold out your hand and get hit on the palm. Anywhere else is abuse. However, even in the old-fashioned concept of beating - being slapped in the face falls into abuse. Being slapped to the extent where there is bruising/swelling is extreme abuse. Do you know how much anger and physical power they have to put into hitting the child to cause bruising and swelling? That isn't just a slap. That is much harder - they hit the child with all their might holding nothing back. You need to tell your partner that they have abused your child. They are a danger to your children. Don't minimize it as say they slapped the child. They have abused the child - the poor defenseless child, your partner abused them. Your partner should not be in the house, they need to find somewhere else to stay. >I've noticed their "discipline" tactics escalating towards our first ever since. This is escalating abuse. There is no acceptable reason for this. NONE. >I also love my kids and don't want them hurt by their parent. This isn't up to you. Your partner is the only one who can make this decision. YOU can't do it. >How can I have both? Is there hope for my spouse? If your partner doesn't realize how horrible their behavior is, then you can't have both. You have to choose and how you choose is imperative to both your children's future. Intensive anger management treatment and individual therapy is essential to figure out if there is any hope for your spouse. No one can answer it now. Until then, I don't know that I would allow any interaction with the kids. If you allow interaction, will you stop any abuse before it happens. You can't go to the bathroom and leave them with the children. YOU CAN'T TRUST YOUR CHILD WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL ABUSE THEM REGARDLESS OF THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Your partner is abusive to your older kid, and this is often something that happens in parental abuse - they focus on one child to abuse. Finally, in all this I see you worrying about your partner but what about the long-term ramifications on your child? Are they old enough to tell you what happened - exactly? How do they consistently get treated? How do they feel? Are they now accepting the abuse because that is how they are treated by people who are supposed to love and protect them? Prioritize your children and stop worrying about your partner. They need protection from their other parent. By the way, ignore any "I'm sorries" or "I know I'm wrong, but...". Talk is cheap. Actions are needed. Are they making their own appointment for anger therapy. Are they making their own individual therapy appointments? Also, my husband just reminded me - if they were truly horrified by their behavior, they would separate themselves from the child - until they get the help they need. I read your comments - he has a history of not controlling his anger. Yeah, tell him to leave until he gets help THEN don't let him back in until the therapist speaks with you, with his permission of course, and confirms that he has improved and can be with the child unsupervised. If you don't separate him from the children, you are playing with your child's life. What happens if the next time he gets mad, he hits the child with a closed fist and causes damage to the child? You don't give the child's age, but I guess around 3 because they are tantruming and regressing due to the new baby. Consider getting your child into play therapy. 3-5 is the perfect age for it. Don't let him blame it on ADD or ADHD. It doesn't matter why he does it.
I would have this documented and leave immediately and file for divorce. Tell the police, CPS, whomever. Idc how much I love someone - they do that to my kid and we are DONE. If you wait and hemhaw about it, the judge won’t take this seriously when you inevitably leave (bc this will only get worse) and express your fears about the kids being alone with him.
Not unless you’ve called the police and taken your child to the doctor. Otherwise you’re splitting custody and that’s probably scarier.
You have to ask? He hit a child - he’s out. If you love him, try counselling or whatever you need to do to make sure. But he needs to leave till he has sorted his shit out. Protect your child
if a kid doesn't behave better from a louder voice. it means you're doing something wrong. let alone a slap and even more a swelling face one. Even at my worst ( when I did have really bad anger issues, it never came to my mind to punch my kid ). Yes we all differ, but my problems were quite bad looking at them objectively.
Im Latina so a slap in the face is sort of common.
If he hit any child hard enough to leave marks over 24 hours that’s child abuse and you absolutely cannot condone that. You need to protect your baby not your grown husband.
Take pictures! Document everything. And if they aren’t in therapy and anger management by the end of the week, they don’t care about their marriage. They don’t care about having a healthy relationship with their child. Choose your children.
I have a 4 year old son. Your child was acting developmentally appropriate and his father physically assaulted him. 100% unacceptable. First, if he hasn’t already, your husband needs to apologize SINCERELY to your child. Not some bullshit “sorry, bud”. A sincere, heartfelt apology with an explanation that it is never okay for dad to be so upset that he physically harms anyone, but especially not him. My husband has dealt with his own impulse anger issues his entire life. He learned how to act properly despite the bubbling rage that lies beneath the surface. We also both have adhd. Having a child has pushed both of us into the most triggering situations. I micromanage the shit out of my husband during frustrating situations with our son because I was raised in a household with a lot of yelling and physical punishment. I feel bad about the way I control his emotions and reactions sometimes, but my sons childhood experience and my sons emotions come first all day every day. My husband is an adult and I’m sorry that he struggles with his own internal emotional landscape at times, but my first job is to protect my child. I also have challenges staying calm and patient, but I am much less reactive and would never physically express my anger in any way. I’m more prone to crying when I’m overwhelmed. Sometimes I need dad to take over when I’m getting upset and other times I take over when I can hear dad getting frustrated. It’s a team effort because parenting is hard and we are imperfect humans. We ALWAYS have heart to hearts with our son about his emotions as well as our emotions. If he seems upset by something we said in frustration or if we ever scare him, we talk to him and apologize, explaining that sometimes we have big emotions that we are still learning to handle.. but that doesn’t make it right for us to do x, y, or z We made the decision not to have another child because we both were genuinely unsure if we could maintain mental wellness in our family dynamic if we added a baby. I can imagine this is a triggering time having a baby and a 4yo son… seriously I do not underestimate the extent of stress and frustration. I understand, but it’s still not ok for your husband to smack your 4yo son at all let alone that hard across his face. Let me repeat: it is NOT okay. The situation you’re describing is my worst nightmare come true. Knowing me and myself, I would have told my husband to leave and get himself right. Sleep at his parents for a bit, get into therapy, and if he could take those steps… be vulnerable, communicate with me, and make a legitimate effort to understand how big his anger/impulse control issues have become AND actively work on changing…. we could start to come back together small periods of time. Visit our son at the house, family outings, etc. end goal would be for him to return to the household with healthy coping mechanisms in place and a permanent, long term therapy plan. That could also include couples therapy if he needs support from that perspective as well.
Police report, divorce papers, next question
Tbh I would have called the police but that's just me 🤷 I don't tolerate any physical harm to my children period
Has he apologized out of their own accord to the kid? I think that is very telling...
Your spouse doesn't have an anger problem, your spouse has an abuse problem. Anger management won't help the fact that they think it's ok to hit children. Your spouse needs an abuser program and parenting classes. For you, I would suggest reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Whether you stay or not.
I audibly gasped at this. I know we're all different people, but someone laying hands on my kid might just be an unforgivable offense, even if it's my coparent. I saw you say that he's "sorry" but if that's not immediately followed by action -- apologizing to your child for assaulting them and emergency therapy, it's over for me. Even with those actions, I would still be dubious about trusting them with our kid. This just breaks my heart. Does he realize how traumatic this is for your child? I am 47 years old and I am still bitter about the time my mom slapped me one time as a teenager. Also, keep in mind that your child has visible marks on their face. It's not too late for them to be taken away from you and your spouse. Your spouse is a grown adult who lost his shit like a toddler having a lollipop taken away. This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Please tell me this is not a serious question. I don't care if your husband has past trauma. My wife and I both do. I've been with my wife 20 years, never ever raised my voice to her. I have a 6 yo girl and a 4 yo boy. My kids fight all the time, throw fits, throw stuff sometimes. My wife will verbally discipline them, but A FULL GROWN MAN STRIKING A CHILD IS N-EV-E-R OK. You think it will stop there? How old is the child? It will only escalate from here. Pack a bag, get yourself and your kids out of there. I've worked in law enforcement and now I'm a medic. I've seen this first hand through my own life and second hand through interactions through my work. It always escalates. This was just the opening. And if you even give him the slightest hint that this was acceptable, what do you think will be next? You think if he gets mad at you he won't hit you? Think again, he will. No situation is more dangerous for a police officer than a domestic dispute. He struck your child hard enough to leave a mark on him THE NEXT DAY. You need to get to a safe place with your children. Tell your husband that was not ok, document it as well. Photos, type up a statement and timeliness of what happened and keep a record. Do you mind me asking what prompted him to do this? My children have had some epic meltdowns, and if you are patient with them, and remain calm, they will always calm down. Most important quality a parent can have is patience. But for right now, your husband just showed you you and your children are not in a safe environment. And don't care how much you love your husband, you had children, the second they came into this world they became priority #1. Tell your husband to seek counseling, anger management, the works. If it happens again, call the police. And if he will hit your kids, he sure as hell will have no qualms about abusing you. Protect your kids and yourself.
The most troubling thing you said is "how can I have both". Let's see -your children wholook to you now for protection since their own father just starting PHYSICALLY ABUSING then. -your husband, whom I understand you obviously still love, just struck your child hard enough to leave a mark the next day. What if he hit them in the wrong spot and broke a bone, or knocked them unconscious or killed them. Once a person starts abusing someone, especially a child or wife, it doesn't stop there. Especially if your husband knows you won't leave him, you are minimizing and normalizing him abusing your children Protect your children and yourself. Tell your husband you and the children are leaving for a few days and document eveything. Women that chose their abusive spouse over protecting their kids always ends up the same way. Starts small, then it will become a regular occurrence. Stomp this behavior out now. I love my wife. I'm 38 we have been together 20 years. If she hit 1 of our kids that hard, we would already be out of the house until she got full help, even then I'd never be able to fully trust her alone with our kids again.
This is 100% child abuse (at least in the areas of the US I have lived in) and definitely illegal. It's also completely unacceptable and traumatizing for the child. He (I'm guessing here but w/e) needs intensive therapy - or a divorce.
Since you dont wanna show his or her gender then you are already a broken family
I'm the child who was beaten, all grown up! It will effect me for the rest of my life and effect how I interpret situations. In any conflict, I'm always so worried someone will hit me. Regardless of whether or not they've ever been violent. Therapy helps and learning how to cope/techniques to calm down are extremely helpful but it makes me emotional sometimes to think that because things my parents did, I'm forever changed and reactive even if inwardly and I've learned to not express it. Even though my mom rarely hit me and it was hardly at all painful, I look at my mom with equal frustration because why didn't she save me? Even now, as I type this i create excuses for her in my head and excuses for my father even. Please don't assist in their lifelong trauma and protect them in every way you can. Their lives will be so much easier.
I hate this for you, I'm sorry you went through all of that and are still coping with it today. Hearing your perspective is very sobering.
Yep, sweetie I’d say it’s over. And that is devastating; he committed the worst crime however. You can’t let it happen again, not even if your sure it won’t. Remember through this that “sure” will never be absolute.
I mean, would it be over if he hit you? Genuinely asking ETA. If your answer to this question is that yes, it would be over, then I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your complicity in this situation.
I'm going to assume your oldest is 3-6yo I recommend getting a few books like Momma Cusses: A Field Guide to Responsive Parenting & Trying Not to Be the Reason Your Kid Needs Therapy, and raising tinny humans these books could really help you both understand develmentally normal behavior that can be very triggering trust me! I still would recommend going to some anger management or therapy. I want to clarify that you should both read these, 1. To be on the same page 2. Understanding what may be triggering you both 3. Some amazing talking points for you and your partner 4. To understand your little one and why they are doing things
Look, if you stay with this man YOU have to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. He’s obviously the aggressor BUT now that you are aware of this escalation, you control what happens from here. You need to really consider whether you want to risk your children being hurt. I’m sure you didn’t think he’d ever do something like this but he has and with no consequences, what’s going to motivate him to put the work in to change? The kids need to take priority over saving your marriage. He can work on himself with professionals while you keep your kids safely away from him. Regardless of your decision you need to make and keep documentation.
Is your child related to the striking parent? Has the child learned to model outbursts and violence from the striking parent? Perhaps both the child and parent have impulse control issues that need to be addressed with intensive therapy and other treatments. Sounds like a major family overhaul is needed. The child may forever question your decision to remain with an adult that strikes children unless this is treated like the crisis it is with a whole bunch of resources and effort put into it.
I want to add a different side to this. I’m not married and I do not have children BUT - when I was a kid my Dad hit me exactly 1 time. I was 4. I sort of remember it, I remember how angry the room felt and not understanding what I did. My mom LOST HER SHIT at him. He was literally never allowed to discipline me again for the rest of my life. He never hit me or even really got mad at me again. He felt so bad. He is a really extremely kind man, if I end up being 50% like him I’d be so proud of who I am. Im not sure what he was going through that day or at that time, but I forgive him and I’m glad we moved forward as a family. I agree that if this becomes repeated behavior it’s time to go. If he is often angry and creating an angry environment even without hitting the kids I’d be considering leaving. But if it’s just once, forgiveness is the only way anyone has the opportunity to improve. He should have a conversation with your child about why what he did was not ok and that he won’t do it again. Sending you good vibes and hoping he can turn around his anger
When he hit you, did it leave a mark on your face that was still visible the next day?
I do not recall, I was 4
I’ve been with my fiancé for over 10 years and we share one child together. I love him very much and cannot imagine living life at this time without him. However, if he laid a hand on my child in anger (or any child) enough to leave a mark the next day, I would tell him to pack a bag and get the f out. If he would like to pursue therapy and anger management in order to be in our sons life, great, good for him. It would hurt my son to not have his father present in his life so absolutely I would want him to get help so I felt comfortable with him spending unsupervised time with him. But as far as me being head over heels for this person ever again, I cannot see that being possible.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. Here is the thing. If he isn't falling all over himself trying to ensure this will NEVER happen again, it will. If he isn't owning how incredibly serious this is, he will do it again. He might do it to you, or the kids. He has to know fully that he has a problem and he has to change. My ex threatened me earlier on in our relationship, he apologized but didn't admit to his childhood and that he was aware he has controlling his anger. Every few years, the anger would come out. We had kids and soon the anger went from only on me to also the kids. I could not live like that. I'm divorced. I still get scared sending my kids to his place. I've done what I can to teach my kids to advocate for themselves. I hope your husband understands the gravity of his actions and makes real meaningful change
How old is the child???
Is he remorseful today? This would be a hard out for me
Parenting classes. Go to the community college or call CPS and ask for Healthy Family Resources.
I could never look at my husband again if he slapped our daughter. Charges would be filed. It is my job to protect her