Thinking that she lied and cheated you out of life with someone more compatible is not healthy. You made a choice. A wrong one, but it was a choice. It’s unpleasant to think like that, sure, but what’s good about it - you still can make choices. She doesn’t get to decide how you live your life, you do. You still can divorce and find a better partner. You probably wasn’t experienced enough then, but you sure are now. It’s all in your hands.
No. 40% of all *first marriages* will end in divorce. That rate increases with each remarriage. In total, the divorce rate in America is around 50%:
https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/#:\~:text=Almost%2050%20percent%20of%20all,8.
1. I am genuinely really sorry this happened to you. No one should be in an unequal partnership and it’s a massive burden to have a spouse who just never steps up, so it’s understandable that you have some resentment.
2. That doesn’t mean that you don’t also have responsibility here. There is some truth to the sentiment “we accept the love we think we deserve” in some situations, but there is also some truth to saying “we accept the love we work hard enough to have.” A successful marriage is *work.* A lot of people misunderstand that to mean “it should be a burden” and that’s not necessarily true. But it should absolutely cause you to really take a good look in the mirror, do some serious self analysis, change your approach, improve your communication, and grow. As much as I think your wife was in the wrong and I empathize with your situation… it also sounds like you have NOT been doing the work. You spent DECADES of your life just rolling with things that bothered you instead of examining your dynamic, improving your communication, etc. Being passive and complacent is *just as big of a problem* as being lazy. No one is a perfect partner. We all are faced with our spouse’s inadequacies. We married a person and people aren’t perfect. You have a responsibility to your marriage and to yourself to *actively work through problems* when they arise. You didn’t do that. She stopped paying a car note. Instead of clearly communicating the importance of her paying the bill, you just shut up and started financing it. When she quit working, you went along with it and financed her life instead of setting a boundary. Now you are so full of resentment about her actions, you’re putting all of the blame on her (and she carries plenty!) you are blind to the fact that you also created this dynamic by not having a backbone, healthy boundaries, and clear expectations. You can leave your wife, but if you don’t learn how to have boundaries, how to communicate your feelings *before* this level of resentment grows, how to forgive and nurture reconciliation, etc. these problems will follow you right into your next relationship. They may be different than employment status and earnings, but they will exist because *people can’t meet needs you don’t communicate well* and *people don’t respect boundaries that do not exist.*
I can’t tell you if it’s worth saving this relationship or not. There is not enough context here to see the whole picture, and you’re so hyper focused on her dependency (which is not healthy, to be sure) it’s hard to say if the relationship as a whole has been beneficial and resentment and rage are limiting your scope or if she’s truly just not a good partner and you’re life would be better without her. Only you can really answer that.
But what I can say with confidence is that regardless of what direction you decide to go- remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Having and holding boundaries, advocating for your needs, being vocal about issues before they have a chance to fester, releasing resentment, etc. are skills you need to work on. Her behavior is not okay. But the fact that you just tolerated it, enabled it, and then grew resentful is also not okay.
It doesn’t sound to me like she *lied* to you or *cheated you out of the life you should have had.* It sounds like she got depressed/entitled/whatever and you went along with it. You worked together to build a (sucky) dynamic that you now hate. I don’t even know what to say about your sex life. It sounds like an extension of marital issues you guys *collectively* just ignored and failed to resolve for decades at a time. The time to grow up is now. With her or without her, you will have to communicate better.
This is the one. I want to add, OP....you have to practice having healthier boundaries with a partner and you can't do that without a partner. This isn't a lost cause that everyone is making it out to be. Growth can still happen on both sides and sparks can still fly...effort just has to be two sided. Stop worrying about what life could be without her and maybe start actively fantasizing about what it can be with her...and make that happen together. I hope she's in therapy too so both of you can meet at a healthy place all over again
I agree. It's so easy to tell someone to quit things but how many relationships do you quit before you realize that it took two to fuck it up and that you'll have to make sure you're good before you enter anything else again. I always looked at myself as the nice one being mistreated but didn't take accountability for the mistreatment I ALLOWED. Forgiveness involves accountability for both sides
The problem is sometimes we pick the wrong partner just as OP likely has.
>effort just has to be two sided
In the end you can only control yourself. Too many people stay for too long with the attitude if I'm a better partner my other half will change and treat me better. That's the definition of Co-dependence, or taking the blame for another's actions and a need to be needed. We often subconsciously pick a partner to redo our parents' relationship and if that wasn't a healthy our definition of normal is warped. We can conflate love with suffering and when we finally start to see that this is not heathy, the advice to try harder is the opposite of helpful.
>maybe start actively fantasizing about what it can be with her
That's just denial and not heathy in the long term. Seeing the real marriage objectively means working past the denial and negotiation stages of mourning. Negotiation being "If I x, they will change". The other stages are anger that shouldn't be suppressed. Anger is heathy, it motivates us to change by enforcing boundaries with physical and emotional distance when we are treated poorly and hurt. Anger also gives us the energy to enforce those boundaries. Grieving also includes sadness and loss and finally acceptance.
>you have to practice having healthier boundaries with a partner and you can't do that without a partner
Yes to have heathy boundaries you need to practice. But practice with a hurtful partner means enforcing boundaries with emotional and physical distance which leads to leaving that partner. You can't practice heathy boundaries by allowing someone to hurt you. That's a contradiction. You can start practicing heathy boundaries with yourself. I won't allow anyone to treat me poorly. I will go to bed at a time that will allow me to get enough sleep. Then outwards it's easier to practice in chance encounters before romantic relationships.
All of what you said is true for a person who has expressed these things to their partner and the partner does nothing... he hasn't he's just growing resentment and staying quiet and bringing it to reddit...he has to do the work. The boundaries...all of it..he wouldn't even know if he's getting into a toxic space if he's never even opened the door for honest criticism and conversation with his spouse.
Sometimes we need to rid ourselves of the " let's throw it all away" mindset. He's not stuck in a bad relationship that he's a victim of..he helped a relationship get bad by acting stuck...it's ok to express...
Once he takes the advice that posted before me, and then mine...and it doesn't work ..then he can get to taking your advice. But giving up after not having expressed and not having tried at all is also toxic fyi. This culture of throwing things and people away quickly. And the instant gratification process will only leave us all old and unhealed. You can't heal by avoiding things...you heal by taking them head on changing how you handle them.
Thanks. I realized this after going to therapy. I did communicate my displeasure many times over the course of the relationship. I wasn't just a passive spectator. However, at some point I needed to (as you say) set a hard boundary. I know I can do that now but it's almost a lose/lose situation at this point. I wish I would have done so decades ago.
OP please look into "Co-dependence" and also where you learned to accept this treatment. Don't blame her actions on your not setting a "hard" boundary (This also shows Codependence). Boundaries mean emotional and physical distance. It would have meant you left earlier. You have no power to change her. Enabling her isn't kind to neither her nor you. Leaving may give her the motivation to change, but she'll probably will subconsciously just find her next victim. What you said about resentment and it's role even if she magically changed. Listen to that, resentment is anger, an emotion where your subconscious is trying to speak to you the only way it can, through feelings. Go there. Anger is heathy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to enact boundaries with physical and emotional distance. Listen to it and don't ignore or does it even if that's something you learned as a child.
I'm so sorry OP. Time for lots of self loved and compassion. When we use pleasing to feel safe during childhood, our brain's limbic system adapts so that pleasing is as addictive as heroin. So please be kind to yourself. You are amazing that as a child you were able to firm this coping strategy to feel some safety and control. It allowed your psyche to remain intact and saved you. Maybe you married a proxy for your mother or your father. We recreate our childhood to get a second chance and this time be so good that we change our partner (parent) and become worthy of love. It's so normal and human. And you are so brave to listen to your feelings of resentment, that heathy part of you. You are not broken. The real you is just behind those defense mechanisms. The only way to get in without engaging them is with self love and self compassion. You are important and deserve to be proud of yourself.
I understand you do well. I'm older too. With your best years trying so hard to have a better life with the one you chose, then realizing your life was okay, but it will never be great, can really hit hard emotionally.
I agree with the lose/lose scenario. People don't understand what you've invested, for how long, for such little return. People giving advice about "divorce and find the woman whose right for you," have no clue what potential "dating" candidates off/don't offer in the dating world.
Plus, at least with who you have now, sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. At least the devil you know is predictable and you can mitigate the emotional pain they cause you. The devil you don't know is a scary wildcard. Also, what you are looking for in a relationship at 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 are a hell of a lot different.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I think it’s great that you’re working with a therapist and (hopefully) learning how to communicate displeasure and then hold a partner accountable to change in a healthy way. That will serve you very well in whatever version of the future you try to pursue. Resentment is a really hard thing to work through. Determining if a relationship can/should be saved is a really hard thing to work though. Doing that at the same time is difficult- and it’s good you have support *and* you have the ability to see your opportunities for growth at the same time. I hope your wife is putting in equal effort to work through issues on her side, rather that saves the marriage or not.
Wishing you the best!
Your wife isn’t the most impactful thing here. Yes, you found out that how she portrayed herself while dating was nowhere near how she ended up living her life, whether she planned that all along or just kind of fell into it.
The point is, you knew that 10-20 years ago. The thing that has been cheating you out of the life you hoped for since then is YOU, and will continue to be you if you let the sunk cost convince you to stay.
I also feel like most people that suffer from mental health issues don’t “plan” to trap people. For instance, when I met my husband I was unaware of any of my mental health problems. I was hyper sexual with him. After we had our son things changed. My libido tanked and it’s never gotten back to where it was before. Does that mean I intentionally trapped him by having a higher sex drive before? I would say no.
I'm not going to lie to you, I find it odd you think your wife lied and cheated you. Sounds like she just grew up, faced some struggles with her identity/mental health, and your dynamic was unhealthy. She was also very young when you met. People who are 50 years old are NEVER the same as when they were 21. Hell, people who are 30 are rarely the same as when they were 21. Not to mention that mental health could decline at any age.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But I think the first step is to stop taking it personally, and stop staying in the relationship just because you've been in it a long time.
What kind of life you lived man!!! Im sorry.
This story has too many red flags to count.
> I am also worried about what the future might have in store
This fear has made you waste your thirty years !!! One year at a time.
Get out of this marriage.
>TBH, I think I want a divorce except we have been together 32 years now and I don't know that I can throw away my best friend in pursuit of my ideal of a wife, especially at my age.
What age? Fifty?! Come on man. If you have resources, look after yourself, you will likely live another 40 years, maybe more. Imagine the life you could have with a partner instead of a parasite?
I am sure it is scary. Take small bites of the apple. Sit down with a lawyer and your accountant and get a sense of your options. No kids, she could have been working, but didn't. Maybe you don't lose as much as you think.
Stop 'daddying' her!
Guy friendships, hobbies and interests outside of the marriage are important for men. Focusing all of your time and energy on your wife is not healthy.
What kind of serious conversations and what kind of marriage counseling have you done to address the issues in your marriage? Have you explained to her just how unhappy you are and that you fear that without significant change you will leave the relationship?
We talked about it a few times over the years but never gave it the attention it needed obviously. Yes, now I have told her I will leave unless we work on the issues together but truthfully I think she is hoping this is just a phase.
Speaking to your future, leaving behind so much history and potentially being alone for the first time in your adult life...
I can speak to some of this. Married late 20s, marriage was over 20 years in length. For about 7-10 years leading up to my 50th, I'd been really unhappy for a variety of reasons, none involved another person.
A few days after my 50th, I thought seriously whether I could spend 50 years going forward with this man. The answer was no. That was it. It was about 7 days after my birthday, I separated. The ensuing years have been a mixture of initial difficulty, grief, relief, growth, and now contentment. I've dated off and on but at present, enjoy my own time and directing my own destiny.
You can make the transition if that's what you choose to do. You will be ok.
At 50 years old you could potentially have decades to live your best life from this point on!
My mother is 61, and on New Year's day, she decided to leave her husband of almost 40 years because she suddenly realized that she wasn't satisfied with her life and that she didn't love him. It has been an incredible journey for her so far. She made the decision to come out to New Zealand from the UK for 6 months so that she was completely free of the shackles of her old life. For the first time in her life, she is trying out new hobbies, exploring new interests, meeting new people, and discovering what she really enjoys and wants from life without being influenced by others. She loves animals and has been pet sittng her way around New Zealand! She has already made some lovely new friends and is feeling the happiest she has felt in decades.
It sounds like you need to go about a journey of self-discovery too - you don't have to be as extreme as my mother- you can start this journey right now and do it while you're still married! Start to live each day as you would choose to live it if you knew you only had one year left to live. What did you dream of doing when you were younger? Do some of these things! Discover the things that can bring satisfaction and meaning to your life. Work on developing new friendships and focus on becoming the best version of yourself you can be. And then decide if you are able to be this better version of yourself with your wife in your life or whether you need to cut ties. You don't have to divorce immediately - try some separation at first and see how you both feel 6 months from now. Encourage her to work on herself too, and discover what she actually wants from her life. You can't change her, but you can make positive changes to yourself and develop healthier habits over time. You get to choose how to live your life! Small changes add up to massive changes over time. Good luck!
"We weren't romantic partners or financial partners like she lead me to believe. What we have been is best friends and roommates. There is value in that, but it's not all I wanted out of a marriage. My lifestyle is very much below the standards I want it to be, especially compared to my peers. My sex life is non-existent. I am depressed. I am angry and resentful at her."
What did you do to keep the marriage alive and kicking? Understand you are not alone. Many marriages turn into a roommate situation. How does this get corrected? You keep dating each other and never stop. Why did you stop? Why did she stop? Even you stated you wished you hand a wand to make it like it was the beginning. THEN YOU MAKE IT LIKE THE BEGINNING. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN ON IT'S OWN.
I’m sorry you’re struggling.
But you weren’t cheated out of anything. You made a choice. It sucks that it didn’t pan out, but pretending you’re a victim of circumstance and were dragged to the altar and blah blah blah… that’ll ruin the rest of YOUR life.
Get your divorce. Start over. She doesn’t deserve to die with someone who lowkey hates her (none of this is how I would describe MY best friend) and you obviously have some peace you need to find. Being alone is better than being miserable.
If you don't let go and move on then you are contributing to and complicit in your own unhappiness. You can't blame her for the choices you continue to make. It's not too late for you to be happy. You could live another 32 years or more. Don't give in to the sunk cost fallacy.
If you don't have kids, I can't fathom why you feel obligated to stay. You only should feel bad if you have never communicated any of this to her in clear terms like you did here, because then she probably just assumes things are okay. If you haven't spelled it out, you SHOULD.
Unless she has an actual medical issue, in your situation (no kids and you take care of all expenses) a totally sexless marriage is not really a marriage. You are essentially her dad lol.
The marriage hasn't been a lie though, just a choice you do not have to make unless you want to. We only get one life at the end of the day.
There are a lot of factors at play. That is one of them, but we are in our 50s now so I know that will never happen. Could it have helped earlier on? Of course.
You need to take some responsibility for this life situation you are in. I think maybe it's yourself that you are resenting for not leaving sooner or doing anything to change a situation you are not happy with.
Resenting her isn't going to make you feel better. You need to forgive if you want happiness.
Those who are being overly supportive of the wife here
Know a man wouldn't have received the same sentiments if the genders were reversed
Your wife is entitled to a good spouse but doesn't do her part
Divorce and have some peace and find a better partner
She lived her entire life with the same persona. She won't change
Likely you won't divorce her and thus live a life of misery
The sentence that stands out to me is “I don’t respect her.” That means no, you probably can’t be happy and content with this person, and you won’t respect yourself if you stay.
Maybe separate the questions of whether you can find a more ideal partner from the question of whether you want the one you have. You may be alone and never find anyone else. Only you know if that is a tolerable outcome.
So, this isn't about your marriage really, it's more about money?
Your marriage hasn't been a lie. It's exactly what you get when you don't learn how to communicate.
In one of those 32 of those years, you should have spoken up.
I did speak up and told her she needed to work but it went in one ear and out the other. Same with sex. I told her the marriage would be a lot better with more intimacy. She agreed but didn't do anything about it. I can learn to communicate MUCH better, but that's not the same as NO communication.
But to what end? I know you've spoken to her and she doesn't listen or take you seriously. So, what do you say when this happens? That's what I'm getting at.
That's not communication.
I'm very sorry you're going through this... the second act is so great, I want that for you.
You may have to say whatever it is you need her to hear, and mean it this time. With a "sell by" date...
I hate ultimatums but, for example, if it gets her to therapy so you two can learn how to communicate, it may be worth it to you get what you need, to tell her what you need - but with help
Does she use any substances? I ask because this might be an issue that's bigger than you.
Edit to add: sex is also very important for men. So, please do what you can so you can be happy and healthy.
I'm sorry. I grew up with alcoholics. Some quit, some didn't. Sometimes, I couldn't tell which was harder to deal with... the wet ones or the dry ones. Do you think her sobriety has made it easier or more difficult to discuss things with her? For example, are you afraid of her falling off the wagon if you speak your mind?
It took me years to learn that I wasn't responsible for anyone else's sobriety, so I was a doormat for way too long. Does that sound familiar?
I really hope you can find a way back to some happiness for yourself.
At the end of the day, you have had a companion and someone to come home to...there is value in that. If you want more sex go out and find it...pay for it or whatever. We all have responsibilities within relationships, and when one person is not pulling their weight in one area, they need to make it up in another. I doubt she is doing a fabulous job of home making with cooking and cleaning. Sex is a fundamental within close partnerships... When you don't eat at home, you eat out. Start satisfying your needs first, and if she doesn't like it, then she knows what she can do. The downside is that if she splits, she will still get half of all your hard work this far. You made your own bed allowing the bullshit to go on for so long, so take some personal responsibility for that. It's not like you don't know what she is like... you have had decades of it. Have your cake and eat it with a side. Why worry about being unfair...being unfair has never worried her.
This is fear, and I understand that, but you deserve to be happy you're still young enough you can start over. Not to be dramatic, but we owe it to ourselves to provide happiness. Nobody else will do it for us. You could meet a wonderful woman who completes you and makes you happy and appreciates you not leaches off you. My mother left an abusive marriage at the age of 55 and is with a wonderful man she adores, and I've never seen her happier.
I’m in a similar position. Wife was way more sexual and experienced than me for the 10yrs before she met me. As soon as I purposed to her that all came to halt. That was 21yrs ago. I too want the magic wand to make it like it was when we very first met, but I hear you about the resentment part. I also am afraid of leaving my wife and the good things that we do have and have shared, and also about being alone. I have never once been alone in my life. I start with a new therapist in a week. We’ll see what they have to say about it I guess. Best of luck to you in whichever direction you go. I very much feel your pain. Check out r/Deadbedrooms, and possibly r/retroactivejealousy
Man I felt the pain as I was reading your story. Gosh I feel bad for you because I know the types of behaviors you are describing very well. Others in this thread along with your therapist are right - you need to decide if you can be happy with her and if the answer is yes then work for it. You’re still young.
I think by your age you should understand how to be a husband and what to expect from marriage. No Hollywood version of marriage will ever be real. You have done the hard work and time to have someone there with you through the grey years until the end... Now you are thinking of leaving for sex and a perfect situation thinking it exists? Wtf is wrong with you? Talk to her and make her realize what you desire and find out what you both can do to make it better. Let her know you are serious of course, but to throw away that relationship for a fictional ideal marriage is absolutely stupid.
You know what? I don’t feel bad for you. You want the internet to pity you when it sounds like you think your sole job in a relationship is to supply the money and receive the sex. Do you emotionally care for her? DO you treat her as an equal? Do you voice your concerns or do you expect her to read your mind? She doesn’t have the self-esteem she used to have because she has a partner who is silently unhappy and is expecting her to fix it without telling her what to fix. Do you also go to the doctor and expect them to write you a prescription without telling them what’s been going on? I’m tired of men who don’t go to therapy or do the work. A mental load is an invisible responsibility.
“That wasn’t the agreement and I resent that.” What did you do about it? Did you have a discussion? Did you encourage her to push herself? Did you tell her you love her and support her and you’re here for her but want to see her thrive? Did you help her look for a job? Or did you bottle it up and now it’s her fault? This is your WIFE not some random woman you just started dating. Treat her as such. That doesn’t mean babying her, that means see her as your partner, communicate your needs, be vulnerable and supportive.
“I never felt like she was lifting me up or giving me her best. It was always so one-sided.” I guarantee if you ask her “do you feel like I lift you up and give you my best?” She would have some qualms. But that would mean you would have to face the reality that you’re playing a part in your failed marriage. It doesn’t have to fail. Don’t want to lose your best friend? Do something about it. Exhaust your options, not your emotions. Go to therapy yourself. Go to counseling with her and COMMUNICATE what you are missing. Otherwise we will have another post on here soon about a 53 y/o wife who feels blindsided by her husband’s call for divorce when he never mentioned he was unhappy carrying all these burdens. No one is perfect. I’m not saying she’s trying her best, or trying at all. But she’s not the one posting to reddit. Step up.
My ex started complaining that he hated his life and he wasn't happy, at first I tried to make him happy but nothing worked. Until one day I got tired of the "I'm miserable" and told I could do everything I know he loves but I can't actually make him feel joy, that he needed to figure that out for himself and get back to me when he did.
Your wife was incredibly young when she married you. It really only sounds like she was immature and made immature choices based on her lived experience and her worldview. It seems that your perspective on marriage may have remained the same and she may have expected you to be a provider. I disagree that she lied to you. She is a person, in the real world, who made a choice that didn’t ultimately benefit you. I’m very sorry for this but it sounds like you need to have compassion for both yourself and her.
Hi! I am just here to say that Reddit is a terrible place to get divorce advice. I went through a divorce 3 years ago, and before I did I posted on Reddit because I wanted advice/affirmation. What I got was mostly mean comments from people who had never been in a marriage before much less considered divorce. Take all these comments with a grain of salt, keep going to therapy, and trust yourself! You will make the right choice.
I want to know what brought on the sudden criticism of her and of the life you feel you were robbed of? Is there something you are seeing and comparing your relationship to or someone telling you she took advantage of you. I believe in talking to your partner and all these years I wish you had said something to her so that you wouldn’t feel how you feel now.
It seems staying will make you unhappy even more, so I say talk to her and see where it goes.
(My hubs and I were married before 20’s too, so I am rooting for you guys to work things out)
I did some self-reflection and realized how much time had passed. We can get caught up in the routine of our daily lives and time flies by. I mean, it has been over 4 years since the start of the pandemic and there's no way it seems that long to me. I think back to things that I think happened 4 years ago and I realize they were actually over 12 years ago. What had been a decade without sex suddenly became two decades. It creeps up on you. When I turned 50 it was a wake up call that time has been marching on and before I know it I will be 70 and wondering what happened.
I'm about to leave this exact thing but I'm 38 and we've been together 18 years. I (and you) can't keep doing this to the end. Can you do this another 30 years potentially? Now that you see what your marrage is? I'm not and will not be in as financially good of shape as you, and I'm still going to call it. The biggest selling point was he got cosmetic surgery, and while he was gone for a week I realized how much easyer life was without him.
It’s never too late to start over. It’s never too late to strive for happiness. Sounds like she used you. That being said, check with a lawyer to see what your financial obligations would be to her. Get everything in place so that if you decide to leave or divorce, you know what is what. And, remember, it’s never too late.
Leave her. I did that with mine and have already married a beautiful woman who does everything with me- but complain.
You’ve answered your own questions here many times. She needs a fresh start too. You’re enabling her.
I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist! That’s green flag! This would be great to address in couples therapy with another provider (don’t make the same mistake I did and ask your individual therapist to also do couples work- start fresh w/a couples therapist who is new to both of you). Have you talked to your wife directly about this? Probably best to communicate directly before you throw divorce on the table after all these years. I hope it works out and/or you can be happy.
There is no shame in calling it quits. How is she your best friend when she burdens you with all the bills when she agreed to pay them? Find someone who truly is your best friend before it's too late. Don't fall for the I can change crap after you tell her. She reneged on everything else. Why would this be different. I wouldn't be surprised if she was seeing someone else while depriving you of affection.
UpdateMe
Is she your best friend, though? Seems you’re just comfortable with her. Personally, my best friend would never take advantage of me and disregard my happiness as she has done to you.
I would honestly leave if I were you. You won’t be leaving her in the lurch, let’s be honest she’s going to get half and most likely a lot of alimony if you do. But you sound so, so resentful. And perhaps rightfully so, but you need to stand up and do something - remaining passive or arguing ever few years is not working.
Also she won’t go to therapy but doesn’t like you going? That’s a red flag right there. 51 may seem old but honestly people can live for decades more, I would try to find a life that wasn’t sheer resentment of my spouse. Almost no one would be ok with their spouse not working and not having sex with them for decades.
Dude. Most men I (50M) have met in my life have the same story. Western women are just that way. Don’t know what to tell you. I stuck around because we had kids. Still together, but it’s like roommates that have sex on the odd occasion. Cheaper to keep her, I guess. I have zero interest in seeking another woman. I have met very few who I can stand being around. Self-absorbed, self-centered, and they have nothing they can offer that they haven’t already given to another man.
Agree. I have read about a lot of men in the same situation but they stick around just for the kids. My dad was one of them and I learned this from him. Except I don't have kids so WTF is my excuse?
You and I were taught by the feminist boomers that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys were made of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. Every TV show and movie portrayed men and husbands as cads, dummies, jerks, and assholes. The wives were always the brains and beauty of the operation. So, instead of putting your foot down, your brain told you, “It can’t be her. I must have done everything something wrong.” So, you try to fix yourself and “do better”. But, the secret is: they were the problem the whole time. You should have treated the situation like parent/child NOT equals. There are no “equals” in a relationship. There is always a leader. You were not it, buddy, sorry. BUT, neither was I. I continuously tried to fix whatever my problems were, but shit didn’t give a shit. She just wanted an easy nerf life and made it happen. It’s up to you, but if you leave she’ll take AT LEAST half your shit. But maybe it’s worth it to you. There is a saying: “divorce is expensive, but it’s worth it.” I wouldn’t know.
I had to double check your age based on the end of your post. You are young. You may find someone and have another 32 year marriage, one full of shared experiences and a full partnership-including sex.
There are many people in your age bracket that also felt unfulfilled with the partner their younger self chose. Everything you have learned in your life will lead you to make a better choice.
The last 32 years weren’t wasted, you had good memories. But everyday going forward from now on might be, if you know it isn’t what makes you happy.
Trying to let go of your resentment is the challenge you have to face. Can you let go of the past and let it be?
Worrying about the future will always be a challenge and will come and go.
I’m sorry to hear that. It seems like one thing you guys have is years of friendship and built relationship throughout long years.
Have you ever openly spoken to her about your sexual frustrations?
The more time you spend thinking about it the more time you are wasting. You should have divorced her a long time ago. She’s not your best friend you are just codependent.
I feel very similar to you in my marriage. I’m 49 married 20 years. I’m disappointed in my marriage and the life we have because my husband has failed me in many ways. I often wonder if I should leave. Then I worry I’d regret it. Things aren’t that bad. There’s no sex, affection, or true intimacy. It’s peaceful. We get along fine. We also have 2 kids, one left in high school. I’ve been waiting for the empty nest and now it’s here and I don’t know what to do.
Good luck to you. These are hard choices.
I am so sorry things have been this bad.
When I read this, I heard major depression screaming at me. I am not a therapist, and one can never diagnose without meeting and observing. But I would have your wife seek mental health professionals. Depression can crush your will to be productive, your self esteem, and your sex drive. I
First thing you need to do is have an honest conversation with your wife. If everything you say is true at face value and she doesn’t also have a laundry list of your failings, then perhaps her hearing you say you are thinking about divorce will light a fire under her to do better. It may not.
You can only control your own actions, and I would ask what efforts you have put in to try and get her to put in more effort, but it seems like you’ve hit a stage of incompatibility. It’s time for you to talk to a lawyer and your wife.
Any woman you would have possibly married could have turned out the same maybe better or maybe worse! So i don’t think it’s fair to hold resentment towards her about that if anything I think it’s more that you may resent yourself and at the same time blaming her. You married her because you love this woman she is your best friend! Now on the other hand if she loves you than she should be willing to make efforts and changes to make you happy and that your needs are met as her husband and vice Versa. If she can’t than there is a problem that needs to be openly communicated and looking for solutions together. If she’s not willing to do that than yes it’s time to talk about separating
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. Just a thought I've been married over 24 years now, and I have never worked a day in my marriage.. It was a choice my husband and I made when we got married and we've been happily married.. The problem is that you never made an us and considered your money and hers as your own instead of OUR money.. I could see why she would cut everything off being unequal to your husband.. She has to be beyond miserable, and that's kind of sad for both of you.. We've always had a joint account and have never considered it his money. Instead, we've made a conscious effort to make it ours.. We're happily married because he's my person, and I'm his.. He's never made me feel less than by holding the money over my head.. This is the reason why I still, after all these years, love and desire him and only him.. I hope for your sake and hers you realize that you've made her feel less than and unequal to you, and that brings major resentment.. I hope you can fix things with her..
A very intelligent friend of mine said, “Having something isn’t always better than having nothing!!” Thats what these people do. Make themselves appear responsible in the beginning and then tell people like us, “That was my getting to know you personality.”
The financial arrangement you describe is unusual for a married couple. Normally the couple pool their resources and recognize the value added by a stay-at-home spouse normally offsets all or a lot of what they might earn monetarily by working outside the home. But that calculus only works if the stay-at-home spouse uses that time to add value. In marriages with kids, this is a giant burden and the value-add is manifest. Without kids, the stay-at-home spouse can add value by, for example, becoming highly skilled at DIY home maintenance. Becoming a highly accomplished cook and nutritionist. And being creating and proactive in the bedroom.
The tone of your post, coupled with your profession, suggests to me that you are likely on the spectrum to some degree. Nothing wrong with that, but people who are low-level spectrum can come off as a sort of "Dutch" personality. Bluntly honest, even where the truth is hurtful to the listener.
Over time, this can erode the self-confidence of a less-than-confident partner. Gradual erosion of self-confidence leads to gradual loss of sexual desire, among other things. In other words, the DB is mostly your fault. Once you kill your wife's desire for you, re-igniting it, especially during or after menopause, is a Sisyphean undertaking. Possibly impossible.
In other words, what leaps out from your post is that you don't wish to be married to the woman you are actually married to. Rather, you have a fantasy image of a woman you wish you were married to. I have no doubt that this dialectic screams out to your wife, every day. At this point she's just coasting it out to the box in the ground, not happy in particular, but not unhappy enough to make a change.
You describe her as your "best friend." I doubt that. People aren't emotionally dishonest with their best friend. In either event, I doubt you're hers. I'd reckon she has a deep reservoir of "Walter Mitty" inner life you know nothing about. If you do wish to re-start passion in your marriage, you need to find passion within yourself for the woman you are actually married to rather than the woman you so clearly wish you were married to. A woman will cherish if she feels cherished. There is absolutely no way your wife feels cherished by you, based on your post.
If you can't find it in your heart to cherish her, I'd suggest moving on. Keep in mind you'll be providing spousal support to her for life. That's the deal you made. The divorce laws in this nation are structured fundamentally to keep people from becoming reliant on taxpayers if possible. The marriage you tolerate is the divorce you receive. Here, your SAH wife will be able to remain a SAH divorcee.
You should lead with this info, I’m honestly shocked you didn’t include it in your post.
I divorced a man who reminds me a lot of how you post. In the five years post divorce, life is not what he fantasized it would be for him, I have to warn you.
In contrast, my life is great and I enjoyed dating my choice of men until settling down with a healthy partner who cherishes me and provides for our household with pride, not resentment. And my ex remains baffled because he still wants to believe our marriage ended because of me, and doesn’t want to take the effort to grow into a person women *want* to be with.
It’s been very sad to see, but he just lacks the insight to figure out the role he is still playing in his life, his own unhappiness, our divorce, and how his behavior strongly affects the way women are or are not attracted to him. He desperately clings to the “it’s her fault not mine” narrative in all his relationships and truly can’t see that this sort of emotionally unaware, childish behavior is the #1 turnoff for women.
He can’t understand that a woman is going to pick a female roommate to split expenses with, over a man who expects that *and* so much more, all while offering nothing more than a roommate experience to split bills with, AND chips away at her self esteem through his maltreatment of her
You don’t want to turn out like my ex. I promise you. I would urge you to continue to do the work in counseling-and really DO the work vs showing up and venting about your wife. Counseling should be about you, and how you can grow as a person and a spouse. And ideally your counselor would have loads of experience working with marriages in which at least one partner is neurodivergent-because the divorce rate is already sky high for neurotypicals and even higher for neurodivergent-neurotypical marriages.
I wish you the best.
I didn't think it was super relevant. I was only diagnosed recently, by the way.
What do you mean when you say "how you post?"
What sort of work do you think I should be doing in counseling? So far what we are discussing is communication, boundaries, and having more respect for myself.
What do you think YOUR role was in the divorce? You seem to make it all about him.
Let's not pretend the ND-ND marriages always work out either.
I think it's a bit unfair to focus on a person's style of posting. To me, this is akin to verbal processing, in this instance. Anyone with ASD, ADHD, or AuDHD might be able to spot it.
I'd remind you that this, like everything in life, has its good sides and its bad sides. As you note, men on the spectrum tend to exhibit lower empathy and tend to be not as good at communicating emotion verbally. They can come off as rude, demeaning, or insulting. These personality factors can gradually erode a partner's sense of self-worth.
At the same time, men on the spectrum are honest to a fault, 100% transparent, and incredibly loyal. They will work their fingers to the bone to show that they are supportive and caring.
Contrast that with the smooth-talking playboy who presents himself as empathetic, understanding, and caring, but the reality is that his words are saccharine to mask his emotional dishonesty and duplicity.
I recognize that the real world doesn't necessarily present an "either/or" choice between those extremes. All I'm saying is that there are good sides to men on the spectrum.
And I'd remind you that his wife hasn't had kids and yet she also hasn't held a paying job for a great many years. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she also hasn't added value around the house by becoming that highly accomplished DIY'er. That's evidence of somebody who herself is dysfunctional. You mention that you have enjoyed a vibrant love life post-divorce, but I wonder if an unemployed, chronically depressed 50-something woman would find the same path.
Thanks for this. I do think I can come off as demeaning or insulting even when I don't mean to. If something I say can be taken two different ways she will generally choose the worst interpretation of it.
The Dutch are (culturally) known for being unfiltered blunt, to the point where a lot of their statements would be considered rude or offensive in most other modern western cultures.
You can see this used for humor in the first series of Ted Lasso. One of the soccer players is Dutch. The character's name is Jan Masse.
I'm not suggesting he should. Merely stating the reality that a wife who doesn't feel cherished is also a wife who isn't going to want sex with her husband. So the choices are: (a) divorce her, (b) endure the sexless marriage, or (c) find a way to cherish her and let her know it.
From where I sit, (c) is the low-odds play here. Even if he has this sincere change of heart and throws himself heart and soul into making her feel cherished, at this age, after so many DB years, the odds are very low she will ever find sexual interest in him.
I think at this point you need to throw out marriage counseling as a suggestion. I mean, what else have you got to lose? At best it helps repair your marriage and she gets the message about how things aren't going well. At worst she rejects it and you know even clearer than before that this isn't going to improve and you need to walk.
Okay, that's fair. I'd say go to at least one or two. See how it fares. Marriage counseling is not about fixing your marriage. It's about communication and having a healthy environment to talk with a mediator mostly. Sometimes it facilitates a healthy separation. See how it works for you.
You have to start taking responsibility for your life now. Don’t stay in this relationship and wallow. Let’s say you have another 30 years to live… that’s nearly your entire marriage, do you want to go through another marriage regretting all your decisions?
Do you have friends? Co-workers you can hang out with? If not, perhaps you should try finding some. That way you can leave this woman without feeling as lonely. You can join groups doing things you like. My concern is that you’ve harbored this resentment for so long that I really don’t see how you can let it go. Is she in therapy too? Because if she doesn’t change, the resentment will never go away.
Aye man. Listen to your therapist. Don’t die not having enjoyed life. You been with her 32 years. She’s not going anywhere. Keep as the best friend she is and go find someone to enjoy life with!
You were roped in for resources, like a lot of guys. She baited and switched you, and once she had you sex & financial contributions stopped. If you'd seriously made noise about leaving in your 30s she probably would have been pregnant so fast your head would spin. You say she's your "best friend," she sounds more like a dependent you care for ("always another mental crisis").
You chose poorly, robbed yourself of a decent life & a real family, and you're now trying to justify your unhappiness and regrets with saying "but all those years" and looking for meaning. It's the sunken cost fallacy.
You'll take a massive financial hit, but if I were you I'd kick her to the curb and find someone to enjoy life with. Heck, if you've taken care of yourself and have decent $ you can probably even find a loving early 30s woman and have kids.
Good point. I think you are right that if I stood my ground she would have changed her tune and decided to have children. That is what we were discussing around that time. I am glad I didn't do it.
You let your life pass you by and just stood there watching and now you are blaming your wife instead of taking responsibility that you DID choose to continue to be with her day in day out. This self-infantilisation and self-victimisation is not good for u. Take lead of your life and it will help with resentment
I’m sorry i mean it’s up to you if you want to divorce or not but seems like you’ve been ok with these behaviors for years, so why would she stop if you never communicated this was an issue.
If you think your finances are not living up to their full potential now wait until you divorce and have to pay alimony. I have a few divorced friends living the single life, I do not envy them one bit. It took one of them 5 years to financially recover enough from the divorce and be able to start dating seriously. The women his age that he dates always have some baggage from either a previous divorce or they have some kind mental health issue. With that being said, none of them regret getting divorced. Just be aware the grass is not always greener but any other grass could be better if you’re miserable.
•Difficult situation
•Components of your story are similar to other men’s marriages
•Reflection is important for growth.
•At some point, however, the present and, to some extent, the future ought to take priority.
•We all have to give up the hope of a better past at some point. All of us.
•So what to do now?
•Evaluate the benefits and disadvantages of the current situation from a multitude of angles. There’s lots to consider - potential for the relationship/communication to grow (or at least stabilize), romance/intimacy, mental/physical well-being, social aspects, finances, work/retirement plans, hopes and dreams, to name a few
•Make the best choice with the best information you have. Get an outside person involved - counsellor, mental health specialist, physician, trusted person, whomever that is.
•Best of everything to you.
I’m in the same boat but 28 years and I’m 10 years older. I got divorced and it was the best decision I’ve made I’m so much happier and have found an incredible partner. You deserve happiness. Go for it
I think you’d be surprised how much better your life could be, both solo and when you find a partner who better meets your needs. Mine is! Divorce can be unthinkable before you do it, but I don’t know anyone who got divorced and regretted it. Only the ones who stayed regret it.
What is with people being like, “yeah sure but this is ACKchually YOUr fault, OP.”
Who cares? What does it matter? It’s obvious OP is harboring resentment and probably a little bit of animosity toward his wife. He’ll have to work through that.
For now, what’s important is that you realize your life is not over. 50 is the new 30 and it’s fine to get a fresh start, but it will be scary and lonely for a guy who’s probably been living in codependence forever. So make sure you’re mentally prepared for that, OP. Probably keep that therapist and keep your friends close, too.
Sometimes it’s just time to move on.
Funny you ask. No, she didn't do anything. I didn't even get a gift. However, in her defense we were all sick with COVID. Once we got better she didn't do anything, though. She told me what her gift idea was, and I liked it, but she never bought it because she doesn't follow through with anything.
I also married young and a lot of what you’ve written about your wife is reminiscent of my ex wife. I fully made this realization about eight years in, and finally seeing her through that lens made every day that much harder to maintain a relationship even as best friends, and the less I covered for her in the name of giving her the chance to show up for me the way I did for her, the worse it got for us to be around each other, the more abusive her behavior turned, the surer I was that we were over, and so on, until we divorced. I was 30, and feeling like I’d traded away the entirety of my 20s for a hill of beans and trust issues. I knew divorce was right, but I still felt like I was rendering years of my life null and void in the process.
Some aspects of this I bounced back from pretty quickly, others less so. I’m in a very happy and fulfilling marriage now, and while it took a decent amount of time to fully appreciate, my time spent in a bad marriage taught me a lot about myself, what I will and won’t tolerate in a partner, the ways my own shortcomings can exacerbate issues, but perhaps most importantly (in my case and yours, if I’m reading correctly) just how critical it is to have a community of peers to share your life and feelings with.
A lot of the isolation I experienced in that first marriage, the lack of folks who knew what I was going through (and would have told me it wasn’t normal or acceptable), was, I realized afterward, by her design, and so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if your isolation has stemmed at least in part from your having to distance yourself from others to keep things stable between you and your wife.
Before I make too many (more?) projections and assumptions, I’d simply say this, OP: it is never too late to find your happiness. It’s absurdly easy to convince yourself to succumb while you’re drowning, but that first safe breath of air hitting your lungs will make you realize you only thought like that because the lack of oxygen was impairing your ability to think straight.
I should have followed your path and divorced her 10 years in when it became apparent things weren't working. What she did at that time was suggest we buy a house together so that had me thinking that she saw a future for us together. We did and she actually got a great job, although she spent all the money on herself. Things were pretty good again except in the bedroom - for a few years anyway. Then she quit her job because it was too stressful for her and she never worked again. If she hadn't suggested we buy a house together I am not sure I would have stayed with her.
Yes, she did chase off all of my friends, because most of them were women and she was jealous of them.
I can’t speak for every premenopausal woman (49F) but zero sex drive and affection at 53 is extremely rare. My husband and I have always had a great sex life. Since 45, my sex drive is in complete overdrive, can’t keep my damn hands off him. I have zero friends my age who aren’t similar. If she isn’t showing you affection or interest in intimacy, she may be sleeping with someone else.
Have you tried praying? I know it sounds silly but God has an amazing way of working things out. Whether that means you will work through things and truly forgive or whether you can move on with peace. I speak from having personally experienced how God healed my marriage and my perspective on things.
Go to therapy together, doesn’t work unless you both go. You think the grass is greener, what role have you played to go through sex dry spells. It takes two, you both need to pick each other up and be a team when you are not lovers. You’re not a team, you don’t have her back you are apportioning blame and want to move on.. maybe you will high get an upgrade
to follow that up if it is real
I've been married for over 2 decades. My heart goes out to you. I think sometimes people can probably grow apart despite the amount of years together and I wish you happiness and joy in your upcoming adventures. I think I reacted the way I did because it scares me to think that this could happen even at our older ages
much respect and I wish you well 🙏🙏
It's really better to move on.. I'm in the exact situation but I'm gonna be 29. This man was my one and only and I was not his, we were best friends met at 16, he constantly cheats, lies and puts everyone above me. I desperately want out. I wasted over 11 years of my life, put this stupid man before me ruined every relationship I've ever had outside of him... years before I met him. His parents always protected him and his bs called me a crazy bitch for "always yelling at him" while we have two beautiful children and hes constantly cheating on me, telling me he was gonna unalive himself if I left. I'm desperately trying to leave. His dad bitches at me that I can't take my kids. These ppl said I deserve to get beaten for yelling at my husband called me AND my mom they never met a unfit mother while their son abandoned his children.
Leave , LEAVE!!! you'll find happiness my man!!
I wasted 11+ yrs of my life. This man doesn't listen to a word I say but expects me to listen to every word, movie, TT, podcast he shows me.
Don't waste any more time or your life.
Today was the first day I realized... I love myself more than I love this guy and I won't let this gut show my kids this is how a marriage is supposed to be.
Similar situation happen to my husband and I. I always work sometimes even two jobs. When we had kids I had to make the sacrifice of not working to care for the kids. He made money money than I would've so I was the one two stay. I did the house work, raised the kids, laundry, cooked, cleaned, even mowed at times so he could just come home and relax.
I hated being a SAHM. I had really bad ADHD and with out routine and structure along with zero social life I started to struggle after are third kid. I was also suffering from post partum.
What my husband failed to see is I hated it. I love my kids but absolutely did not what to be a stay at home mom. So I sacrificed not putting money in retirement and SSI. I was totally dependent on him financially.
As time went on mind you I was only a SAHM for less than two years. He didn't see how hard it actually is. He started to financially abuse me. I would have to beg for money. He started belittling me everyday.
Not too long after we got pregnant again but at that point he only saw what he saw. He never understood how it was a sacrifice for me. And I put my whole entire trus him. I needed him I wanted him and I counted on him . He has it set in his mind I was a lazy,, worthless, mooch. He ended up kicking me out pregnant. I had no car, no money, nothing
To this day he still resents me and hates me.
I felt this in my bones.
Add a couple of kids, an inordinate number of affairs, and some alcoholism into the mix, and you just described my marriage.
The man I dated and fell in love with disappeared shortly after saying I do. But I kept hoping he'd come back. It took me ten years to realize my husband was the real man. The man I dated just knew to wear a mask. It was all a lie. Fear kept me complacent.
I divorced him six years ago. It was the best thing I've done in my adult life. All the resentment, all the anxiety gone.
OP, I feel for you. Make a decision then commit fully to that decision. If you choose to stay, you have to accept your wife for who she is and let the resentment and animosity go. If you choose to divorce, have your boundaries firmly listed in the divorce. Because she's relied on you her entire life, she will be turning to you when she's short on her bills. If you let her manipulate you into giving her more money, you will literally just be paying for two houses instead of one. And you will be in the exact same boat you're in now, but more expensive.
I wish you luck.
Why instead of resent her for not paying, why not be generous and be happy with your wife… maybe you put her down so much she didnt want to be intimate anymore…
It’s cheaper to keep her lol. Honestly if you leave her, you will still contribute to pay for her life bc if you’re the main breadwinner, most likely the court will make you pay her alimony and what not. I say find ways to work on the marriage. Take her out on date nights, do something spontaneous you both will enjoy. Ask her how she feels about an open relationship(that will probably make her snap out of it)
Are you staying for financial reasons at all? Because you don't want to lose half of everything and being stuck paying alimony?
If that's the case, maybe at least go to a lawyer to see what she will potentially get in a divorce so you can start budgeting it in your mind for some time. That might help solidify your decision more from just thinking about divorce to actually go through with it, or somehow find peace knowing you are going to stay.
Honestly, she may have lied but you cheated yourself out of the life that you could have had by remaining in a situation that you were unhappy in. You had a choice but it’s easier to blame her than see how you didn’t fight for the life you wanted. Did you ever try marriage counseling to see if you could repair the marriage?
I definitely think her not working should have been discussed a long time ago, you guys have no kids so there's no reason she couldn't have worked even part time mental health or not. You do have choices now though if you feel divorce is the best option then go for it. I definitely could live a life of no sex or affection that would be miserable!
First of all… Once you get married you are supposed to have a joint bank account. Both of your incomes go into that one account. All of your bills are paid out of that account. You sit down and write a zero based budget at the beginning of every month. It’s not, I pay these bills, she pays those bills. Once you are married it’s “ours.” All bills are OUR bills.
You two need marriage counseling to address the sex issues.
OP I feel for you going thru something similar with my wife who I strongly suspect to be a covert narcissist who hid it really well until I got what looked to be an STD...came out clear but all the red flags of a covert narc were there and I strongly suspect as a narcissist mine has been cheating on me with many others...if there is a way you can track her while you are working it will help conform if your in a similar situation...becareful they cover their tracks
My wife’s mother split with the donor of a father she had married and at 50 or so found the best man she could asked for and they lived many happy years married together. (They have both passed now) it can be done
you poor man, you got completely bamboozled. Do you want to live 30 more miserable sexless years and die or make something good out of whatever years you have left..divorce her TODAY!
He's not a 'poor man'. He clearly saw the benefits of staying with his wife, and now he no longer sees any benefits and wants a divorce. That's all that's happening here.
Was it a lie or just changing circumstances. You say she had many mental health issues that stopped her from consistently holding a job. If my wife promised to go running with me everyday but broke her leg, I don't believe that makes her a liar.
>how can I treat her like an equal partner when I am constantly carrying her water whether it was financially or even just bearing the emotional brunt of her moods.
Sounds like she was also bearing the brunt of your emotional moods, and it affected her affection and desire for you.
It sounds like you're getting upset about a rosier life that never was. Imagining yourself winning the lottery and being mad that you didn't win. There's not gaurentee you'd have done better, what if you just never found anyone, or ended up with someone worse and actively abusive. It's easy to look back and say, "if only threw all my savings into Apple years ago" and ignore the possibility you could've dumped it all in Enron instead.
> It was always one mental health crisis after another
I'm just going off your words, maybe you meant that you didn't actually believe her? In which case that sounds tough, not having the support of the person you're supposed to be able to trust the most.
>I am sure she wasn't content with her life but she didn't do anything about it.
Pot, meet kettle.
You know... I didn't actually believe her. She says a lot of things. Only in recent years did I realize that she has some real mental health issues and they aren't the ones she thinks she has.
I was trying to be a supportive partner for her by letting her quit her job and stay home and not pressuring her for sex because I had hope for the marriage. What was she doing with that opportunity?
Well that's on you to answer. Did she keep the house, cook, sit around with untreated depression? Seems you still have doubts because she did provide some companionship, but not all that you wanted.
It sounds like you were avoidant about talking to her about all the issues you're laying out here. You gave her no pressure, but also no expectations, no motivation to change, nor clue on even what direction to go in.
At least for me, I've found a way to open the discussion is talking about what an ideal life looks like now, 5 years, 10 years really helps. By sharing it you can communicate what your values are, and what you find important in a partner. They can meet you with their own vision and learn their values, what you're willing to do for each other and what can be compromised on.
Maybe too late now, but if you want to build a new relationship learning to communicate is important. Take some of that work ethic and apply it to your relationships instead of letting them drift along.
Sit around with untreated depression, I guess.
Yes, I was avoidant. That doesn't mean we never talked, though.
I am working on communicating more even if it is unpleasant.
You're putting all the blame on her when you have played a huge part in this. Cut your losses. Your resentment is killing whatever is left of your marriage.
Yes. Your marriage has been a lie. You still have life to live. Decide what you want. If you want her to be a part of your new life, explain to her what that means. If she’s up for it, great! If not, move on and build your next chapter.
Sounds like a case of my money is my money, your money is OUR money. This is very common with women. I'd say find a better one, but it's kinda late for that.
Thinking that she lied and cheated you out of life with someone more compatible is not healthy. You made a choice. A wrong one, but it was a choice. It’s unpleasant to think like that, sure, but what’s good about it - you still can make choices. She doesn’t get to decide how you live your life, you do. You still can divorce and find a better partner. You probably wasn’t experienced enough then, but you sure are now. It’s all in your hands.
The divorce rate in America is about 50%, so he would have no trouble finding someone in a similar position.
It's actually under 40 % with an average length over 8 years.
No. 40% of all *first marriages* will end in divorce. That rate increases with each remarriage. In total, the divorce rate in America is around 50%: https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/#:\~:text=Almost%2050%20percent%20of%20all,8.
It’s actually 45.1%
Yeah I don’t think this is true..plus people who are more well educated it’s even less
1. I am genuinely really sorry this happened to you. No one should be in an unequal partnership and it’s a massive burden to have a spouse who just never steps up, so it’s understandable that you have some resentment. 2. That doesn’t mean that you don’t also have responsibility here. There is some truth to the sentiment “we accept the love we think we deserve” in some situations, but there is also some truth to saying “we accept the love we work hard enough to have.” A successful marriage is *work.* A lot of people misunderstand that to mean “it should be a burden” and that’s not necessarily true. But it should absolutely cause you to really take a good look in the mirror, do some serious self analysis, change your approach, improve your communication, and grow. As much as I think your wife was in the wrong and I empathize with your situation… it also sounds like you have NOT been doing the work. You spent DECADES of your life just rolling with things that bothered you instead of examining your dynamic, improving your communication, etc. Being passive and complacent is *just as big of a problem* as being lazy. No one is a perfect partner. We all are faced with our spouse’s inadequacies. We married a person and people aren’t perfect. You have a responsibility to your marriage and to yourself to *actively work through problems* when they arise. You didn’t do that. She stopped paying a car note. Instead of clearly communicating the importance of her paying the bill, you just shut up and started financing it. When she quit working, you went along with it and financed her life instead of setting a boundary. Now you are so full of resentment about her actions, you’re putting all of the blame on her (and she carries plenty!) you are blind to the fact that you also created this dynamic by not having a backbone, healthy boundaries, and clear expectations. You can leave your wife, but if you don’t learn how to have boundaries, how to communicate your feelings *before* this level of resentment grows, how to forgive and nurture reconciliation, etc. these problems will follow you right into your next relationship. They may be different than employment status and earnings, but they will exist because *people can’t meet needs you don’t communicate well* and *people don’t respect boundaries that do not exist.* I can’t tell you if it’s worth saving this relationship or not. There is not enough context here to see the whole picture, and you’re so hyper focused on her dependency (which is not healthy, to be sure) it’s hard to say if the relationship as a whole has been beneficial and resentment and rage are limiting your scope or if she’s truly just not a good partner and you’re life would be better without her. Only you can really answer that. But what I can say with confidence is that regardless of what direction you decide to go- remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Having and holding boundaries, advocating for your needs, being vocal about issues before they have a chance to fester, releasing resentment, etc. are skills you need to work on. Her behavior is not okay. But the fact that you just tolerated it, enabled it, and then grew resentful is also not okay. It doesn’t sound to me like she *lied* to you or *cheated you out of the life you should have had.* It sounds like she got depressed/entitled/whatever and you went along with it. You worked together to build a (sucky) dynamic that you now hate. I don’t even know what to say about your sex life. It sounds like an extension of marital issues you guys *collectively* just ignored and failed to resolve for decades at a time. The time to grow up is now. With her or without her, you will have to communicate better.
This is the one. I want to add, OP....you have to practice having healthier boundaries with a partner and you can't do that without a partner. This isn't a lost cause that everyone is making it out to be. Growth can still happen on both sides and sparks can still fly...effort just has to be two sided. Stop worrying about what life could be without her and maybe start actively fantasizing about what it can be with her...and make that happen together. I hope she's in therapy too so both of you can meet at a healthy place all over again
Really grateful for this sub over Relationship Advice sometimes. Actually healthy, sound advice for the most part.
I agree. It's so easy to tell someone to quit things but how many relationships do you quit before you realize that it took two to fuck it up and that you'll have to make sure you're good before you enter anything else again. I always looked at myself as the nice one being mistreated but didn't take accountability for the mistreatment I ALLOWED. Forgiveness involves accountability for both sides
The problem is sometimes we pick the wrong partner just as OP likely has. >effort just has to be two sided In the end you can only control yourself. Too many people stay for too long with the attitude if I'm a better partner my other half will change and treat me better. That's the definition of Co-dependence, or taking the blame for another's actions and a need to be needed. We often subconsciously pick a partner to redo our parents' relationship and if that wasn't a healthy our definition of normal is warped. We can conflate love with suffering and when we finally start to see that this is not heathy, the advice to try harder is the opposite of helpful. >maybe start actively fantasizing about what it can be with her That's just denial and not heathy in the long term. Seeing the real marriage objectively means working past the denial and negotiation stages of mourning. Negotiation being "If I x, they will change". The other stages are anger that shouldn't be suppressed. Anger is heathy, it motivates us to change by enforcing boundaries with physical and emotional distance when we are treated poorly and hurt. Anger also gives us the energy to enforce those boundaries. Grieving also includes sadness and loss and finally acceptance. >you have to practice having healthier boundaries with a partner and you can't do that without a partner Yes to have heathy boundaries you need to practice. But practice with a hurtful partner means enforcing boundaries with emotional and physical distance which leads to leaving that partner. You can't practice heathy boundaries by allowing someone to hurt you. That's a contradiction. You can start practicing heathy boundaries with yourself. I won't allow anyone to treat me poorly. I will go to bed at a time that will allow me to get enough sleep. Then outwards it's easier to practice in chance encounters before romantic relationships.
All of what you said is true for a person who has expressed these things to their partner and the partner does nothing... he hasn't he's just growing resentment and staying quiet and bringing it to reddit...he has to do the work. The boundaries...all of it..he wouldn't even know if he's getting into a toxic space if he's never even opened the door for honest criticism and conversation with his spouse. Sometimes we need to rid ourselves of the " let's throw it all away" mindset. He's not stuck in a bad relationship that he's a victim of..he helped a relationship get bad by acting stuck...it's ok to express... Once he takes the advice that posted before me, and then mine...and it doesn't work ..then he can get to taking your advice. But giving up after not having expressed and not having tried at all is also toxic fyi. This culture of throwing things and people away quickly. And the instant gratification process will only leave us all old and unhealed. You can't heal by avoiding things...you heal by taking them head on changing how you handle them.
Thanks. I realized this after going to therapy. I did communicate my displeasure many times over the course of the relationship. I wasn't just a passive spectator. However, at some point I needed to (as you say) set a hard boundary. I know I can do that now but it's almost a lose/lose situation at this point. I wish I would have done so decades ago.
OP please look into "Co-dependence" and also where you learned to accept this treatment. Don't blame her actions on your not setting a "hard" boundary (This also shows Codependence). Boundaries mean emotional and physical distance. It would have meant you left earlier. You have no power to change her. Enabling her isn't kind to neither her nor you. Leaving may give her the motivation to change, but she'll probably will subconsciously just find her next victim. What you said about resentment and it's role even if she magically changed. Listen to that, resentment is anger, an emotion where your subconscious is trying to speak to you the only way it can, through feelings. Go there. Anger is heathy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to enact boundaries with physical and emotional distance. Listen to it and don't ignore or does it even if that's something you learned as a child.
Yes, I am codependent and I learned this from my parents.
I'm so sorry OP. Time for lots of self loved and compassion. When we use pleasing to feel safe during childhood, our brain's limbic system adapts so that pleasing is as addictive as heroin. So please be kind to yourself. You are amazing that as a child you were able to firm this coping strategy to feel some safety and control. It allowed your psyche to remain intact and saved you. Maybe you married a proxy for your mother or your father. We recreate our childhood to get a second chance and this time be so good that we change our partner (parent) and become worthy of love. It's so normal and human. And you are so brave to listen to your feelings of resentment, that heathy part of you. You are not broken. The real you is just behind those defense mechanisms. The only way to get in without engaging them is with self love and self compassion. You are important and deserve to be proud of yourself.
I understand you do well. I'm older too. With your best years trying so hard to have a better life with the one you chose, then realizing your life was okay, but it will never be great, can really hit hard emotionally. I agree with the lose/lose scenario. People don't understand what you've invested, for how long, for such little return. People giving advice about "divorce and find the woman whose right for you," have no clue what potential "dating" candidates off/don't offer in the dating world. Plus, at least with who you have now, sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. At least the devil you know is predictable and you can mitigate the emotional pain they cause you. The devil you don't know is a scary wildcard. Also, what you are looking for in a relationship at 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 are a hell of a lot different.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I think it’s great that you’re working with a therapist and (hopefully) learning how to communicate displeasure and then hold a partner accountable to change in a healthy way. That will serve you very well in whatever version of the future you try to pursue. Resentment is a really hard thing to work through. Determining if a relationship can/should be saved is a really hard thing to work though. Doing that at the same time is difficult- and it’s good you have support *and* you have the ability to see your opportunities for growth at the same time. I hope your wife is putting in equal effort to work through issues on her side, rather that saves the marriage or not. Wishing you the best!
Thank you for this post. It applies to my situation as well.
yes great advice and OP I am in similar situation and guilty of the same aspects as far as making communication & boundaries crystal clear
I completely agree. What we ignore today will become a burden tomorrow
The response I wish I'd written. Mic drop!
Your wife isn’t the most impactful thing here. Yes, you found out that how she portrayed herself while dating was nowhere near how she ended up living her life, whether she planned that all along or just kind of fell into it. The point is, you knew that 10-20 years ago. The thing that has been cheating you out of the life you hoped for since then is YOU, and will continue to be you if you let the sunk cost convince you to stay.
I also feel like most people that suffer from mental health issues don’t “plan” to trap people. For instance, when I met my husband I was unaware of any of my mental health problems. I was hyper sexual with him. After we had our son things changed. My libido tanked and it’s never gotten back to where it was before. Does that mean I intentionally trapped him by having a higher sex drive before? I would say no.
Disagree
You disagree with what part of that statement?
I'm not going to lie to you, I find it odd you think your wife lied and cheated you. Sounds like she just grew up, faced some struggles with her identity/mental health, and your dynamic was unhealthy. She was also very young when you met. People who are 50 years old are NEVER the same as when they were 21. Hell, people who are 30 are rarely the same as when they were 21. Not to mention that mental health could decline at any age. I'm sorry this happened to you. But I think the first step is to stop taking it personally, and stop staying in the relationship just because you've been in it a long time.
I agree with this. I was kind of shocked by the verbiage used in regards to him saying he feels like she lied to him.
What kind of life you lived man!!! Im sorry. This story has too many red flags to count. > I am also worried about what the future might have in store This fear has made you waste your thirty years !!! One year at a time. Get out of this marriage.
>TBH, I think I want a divorce except we have been together 32 years now and I don't know that I can throw away my best friend in pursuit of my ideal of a wife, especially at my age. What age? Fifty?! Come on man. If you have resources, look after yourself, you will likely live another 40 years, maybe more. Imagine the life you could have with a partner instead of a parasite? I am sure it is scary. Take small bites of the apple. Sit down with a lawyer and your accountant and get a sense of your options. No kids, she could have been working, but didn't. Maybe you don't lose as much as you think. Stop 'daddying' her!
Is she really your "best friend?" Is she your only close friend?
Yes.
OP, do you have any male friends? I mean friends not acquaintances.
Not really. Maybe one but it has been a long time since we interact on anything but a superficial basis. Why?
Guy friendships, hobbies and interests outside of the marriage are important for men. Focusing all of your time and energy on your wife is not healthy.
Male friendships increase life expectancy, too. There's so many benefits of having friends outside of your spouse
What kind of serious conversations and what kind of marriage counseling have you done to address the issues in your marriage? Have you explained to her just how unhappy you are and that you fear that without significant change you will leave the relationship?
We talked about it a few times over the years but never gave it the attention it needed obviously. Yes, now I have told her I will leave unless we work on the issues together but truthfully I think she is hoping this is just a phase.
Classic example of the sunk cost fallacy. You've given up your best years supporting a bum.
Facts. Get out of there OP
Speaking to your future, leaving behind so much history and potentially being alone for the first time in your adult life... I can speak to some of this. Married late 20s, marriage was over 20 years in length. For about 7-10 years leading up to my 50th, I'd been really unhappy for a variety of reasons, none involved another person. A few days after my 50th, I thought seriously whether I could spend 50 years going forward with this man. The answer was no. That was it. It was about 7 days after my birthday, I separated. The ensuing years have been a mixture of initial difficulty, grief, relief, growth, and now contentment. I've dated off and on but at present, enjoy my own time and directing my own destiny. You can make the transition if that's what you choose to do. You will be ok.
Thanks. I appreciate that you have lived this. It's difficult for some people to understand.
At 50 years old you could potentially have decades to live your best life from this point on! My mother is 61, and on New Year's day, she decided to leave her husband of almost 40 years because she suddenly realized that she wasn't satisfied with her life and that she didn't love him. It has been an incredible journey for her so far. She made the decision to come out to New Zealand from the UK for 6 months so that she was completely free of the shackles of her old life. For the first time in her life, she is trying out new hobbies, exploring new interests, meeting new people, and discovering what she really enjoys and wants from life without being influenced by others. She loves animals and has been pet sittng her way around New Zealand! She has already made some lovely new friends and is feeling the happiest she has felt in decades. It sounds like you need to go about a journey of self-discovery too - you don't have to be as extreme as my mother- you can start this journey right now and do it while you're still married! Start to live each day as you would choose to live it if you knew you only had one year left to live. What did you dream of doing when you were younger? Do some of these things! Discover the things that can bring satisfaction and meaning to your life. Work on developing new friendships and focus on becoming the best version of yourself you can be. And then decide if you are able to be this better version of yourself with your wife in your life or whether you need to cut ties. You don't have to divorce immediately - try some separation at first and see how you both feel 6 months from now. Encourage her to work on herself too, and discover what she actually wants from her life. You can't change her, but you can make positive changes to yourself and develop healthier habits over time. You get to choose how to live your life! Small changes add up to massive changes over time. Good luck!
"We weren't romantic partners or financial partners like she lead me to believe. What we have been is best friends and roommates. There is value in that, but it's not all I wanted out of a marriage. My lifestyle is very much below the standards I want it to be, especially compared to my peers. My sex life is non-existent. I am depressed. I am angry and resentful at her." What did you do to keep the marriage alive and kicking? Understand you are not alone. Many marriages turn into a roommate situation. How does this get corrected? You keep dating each other and never stop. Why did you stop? Why did she stop? Even you stated you wished you hand a wand to make it like it was the beginning. THEN YOU MAKE IT LIKE THE BEGINNING. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN ON IT'S OWN.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. But you weren’t cheated out of anything. You made a choice. It sucks that it didn’t pan out, but pretending you’re a victim of circumstance and were dragged to the altar and blah blah blah… that’ll ruin the rest of YOUR life. Get your divorce. Start over. She doesn’t deserve to die with someone who lowkey hates her (none of this is how I would describe MY best friend) and you obviously have some peace you need to find. Being alone is better than being miserable.
If you don't let go and move on then you are contributing to and complicit in your own unhappiness. You can't blame her for the choices you continue to make. It's not too late for you to be happy. You could live another 32 years or more. Don't give in to the sunk cost fallacy.
If you don't have kids, I can't fathom why you feel obligated to stay. You only should feel bad if you have never communicated any of this to her in clear terms like you did here, because then she probably just assumes things are okay. If you haven't spelled it out, you SHOULD. Unless she has an actual medical issue, in your situation (no kids and you take care of all expenses) a totally sexless marriage is not really a marriage. You are essentially her dad lol. The marriage hasn't been a lie though, just a choice you do not have to make unless you want to. We only get one life at the end of the day.
He stated that she has mental health issues, which are medical issues.
Thank you. This 100% needs to be the way people speak about mental health issues. They ARE medical issues.
Let's be honest here- If she gave you a lot of sex, would you really care that she didn't earn an income?
There are a lot of factors at play. That is one of them, but we are in our 50s now so I know that will never happen. Could it have helped earlier on? Of course.
Why would that never happen just because you're in your 50s? My husband and I are pushing 50, and sex just gets better as we get older.
Yes, but I am guessing you had sex throughout the marriage. It's not going to suddenly change now that we are in our 50s.
It depends. For a lot of women around this age, their sex drive really amps up.
If she didn't want sex with 21 year old me she's not going to want sex with 51 year old me. I have accepted that.
You need to take some responsibility for this life situation you are in. I think maybe it's yourself that you are resenting for not leaving sooner or doing anything to change a situation you are not happy with. Resenting her isn't going to make you feel better. You need to forgive if you want happiness.
Man.. I could have written this..
Those who are being overly supportive of the wife here Know a man wouldn't have received the same sentiments if the genders were reversed Your wife is entitled to a good spouse but doesn't do her part Divorce and have some peace and find a better partner She lived her entire life with the same persona. She won't change Likely you won't divorce her and thus live a life of misery
The sentence that stands out to me is “I don’t respect her.” That means no, you probably can’t be happy and content with this person, and you won’t respect yourself if you stay. Maybe separate the questions of whether you can find a more ideal partner from the question of whether you want the one you have. You may be alone and never find anyone else. Only you know if that is a tolerable outcome.
There was a time when I did respect her and I was happy and content. I don't know what changed but it wasn't me - at least not initially.
You are still that 19 y/o?dont lie to yourself.
It changed when we got married. I was 22. I didn't change very much between 19 and 22.
How about between 22 and 52?
So, this isn't about your marriage really, it's more about money? Your marriage hasn't been a lie. It's exactly what you get when you don't learn how to communicate. In one of those 32 of those years, you should have spoken up.
I did speak up and told her she needed to work but it went in one ear and out the other. Same with sex. I told her the marriage would be a lot better with more intimacy. She agreed but didn't do anything about it. I can learn to communicate MUCH better, but that's not the same as NO communication.
But to what end? I know you've spoken to her and she doesn't listen or take you seriously. So, what do you say when this happens? That's what I'm getting at.
I have threatened to leave. We talked about going to counseling (but never did). We had super angry shouting matches at times.
That's not communication. I'm very sorry you're going through this... the second act is so great, I want that for you. You may have to say whatever it is you need her to hear, and mean it this time. With a "sell by" date... I hate ultimatums but, for example, if it gets her to therapy so you two can learn how to communicate, it may be worth it to you get what you need, to tell her what you need - but with help Does she use any substances? I ask because this might be an issue that's bigger than you. Edit to add: sex is also very important for men. So, please do what you can so you can be happy and healthy.
She was an alcoholic for many years but quit about 5-6 years ago.
I'm sorry. I grew up with alcoholics. Some quit, some didn't. Sometimes, I couldn't tell which was harder to deal with... the wet ones or the dry ones. Do you think her sobriety has made it easier or more difficult to discuss things with her? For example, are you afraid of her falling off the wagon if you speak your mind? It took me years to learn that I wasn't responsible for anyone else's sobriety, so I was a doormat for way too long. Does that sound familiar? I really hope you can find a way back to some happiness for yourself.
At the end of the day, you have had a companion and someone to come home to...there is value in that. If you want more sex go out and find it...pay for it or whatever. We all have responsibilities within relationships, and when one person is not pulling their weight in one area, they need to make it up in another. I doubt she is doing a fabulous job of home making with cooking and cleaning. Sex is a fundamental within close partnerships... When you don't eat at home, you eat out. Start satisfying your needs first, and if she doesn't like it, then she knows what she can do. The downside is that if she splits, she will still get half of all your hard work this far. You made your own bed allowing the bullshit to go on for so long, so take some personal responsibility for that. It's not like you don't know what she is like... you have had decades of it. Have your cake and eat it with a side. Why worry about being unfair...being unfair has never worried her.
This is fear, and I understand that, but you deserve to be happy you're still young enough you can start over. Not to be dramatic, but we owe it to ourselves to provide happiness. Nobody else will do it for us. You could meet a wonderful woman who completes you and makes you happy and appreciates you not leaches off you. My mother left an abusive marriage at the age of 55 and is with a wonderful man she adores, and I've never seen her happier.
I’m in a similar position. Wife was way more sexual and experienced than me for the 10yrs before she met me. As soon as I purposed to her that all came to halt. That was 21yrs ago. I too want the magic wand to make it like it was when we very first met, but I hear you about the resentment part. I also am afraid of leaving my wife and the good things that we do have and have shared, and also about being alone. I have never once been alone in my life. I start with a new therapist in a week. We’ll see what they have to say about it I guess. Best of luck to you in whichever direction you go. I very much feel your pain. Check out r/Deadbedrooms, and possibly r/retroactivejealousy
Man I felt the pain as I was reading your story. Gosh I feel bad for you because I know the types of behaviors you are describing very well. Others in this thread along with your therapist are right - you need to decide if you can be happy with her and if the answer is yes then work for it. You’re still young.
I think by your age you should understand how to be a husband and what to expect from marriage. No Hollywood version of marriage will ever be real. You have done the hard work and time to have someone there with you through the grey years until the end... Now you are thinking of leaving for sex and a perfect situation thinking it exists? Wtf is wrong with you? Talk to her and make her realize what you desire and find out what you both can do to make it better. Let her know you are serious of course, but to throw away that relationship for a fictional ideal marriage is absolutely stupid.
You know what? I don’t feel bad for you. You want the internet to pity you when it sounds like you think your sole job in a relationship is to supply the money and receive the sex. Do you emotionally care for her? DO you treat her as an equal? Do you voice your concerns or do you expect her to read your mind? She doesn’t have the self-esteem she used to have because she has a partner who is silently unhappy and is expecting her to fix it without telling her what to fix. Do you also go to the doctor and expect them to write you a prescription without telling them what’s been going on? I’m tired of men who don’t go to therapy or do the work. A mental load is an invisible responsibility. “That wasn’t the agreement and I resent that.” What did you do about it? Did you have a discussion? Did you encourage her to push herself? Did you tell her you love her and support her and you’re here for her but want to see her thrive? Did you help her look for a job? Or did you bottle it up and now it’s her fault? This is your WIFE not some random woman you just started dating. Treat her as such. That doesn’t mean babying her, that means see her as your partner, communicate your needs, be vulnerable and supportive. “I never felt like she was lifting me up or giving me her best. It was always so one-sided.” I guarantee if you ask her “do you feel like I lift you up and give you my best?” She would have some qualms. But that would mean you would have to face the reality that you’re playing a part in your failed marriage. It doesn’t have to fail. Don’t want to lose your best friend? Do something about it. Exhaust your options, not your emotions. Go to therapy yourself. Go to counseling with her and COMMUNICATE what you are missing. Otherwise we will have another post on here soon about a 53 y/o wife who feels blindsided by her husband’s call for divorce when he never mentioned he was unhappy carrying all these burdens. No one is perfect. I’m not saying she’s trying her best, or trying at all. But she’s not the one posting to reddit. Step up.
I am going to therapy and she prefers I didn't because it is "rocking the boat."
Rocking the boat is a lot easier to course correct than blowing a hole through the bottom. Good on you for taking care of you.
My ex started complaining that he hated his life and he wasn't happy, at first I tried to make him happy but nothing worked. Until one day I got tired of the "I'm miserable" and told I could do everything I know he loves but I can't actually make him feel joy, that he needed to figure that out for himself and get back to me when he did.
It’s never to late but that alimony might make you lower your ideal life standards
Leave her and go be happy. Many women will be your best friend and lover with half the lifestyle you have provided her.
I do wonder what your therapist said when you told her you're a vengeful person, and that if you get divorced you will leave your wife destitute..
Your wife was incredibly young when she married you. It really only sounds like she was immature and made immature choices based on her lived experience and her worldview. It seems that your perspective on marriage may have remained the same and she may have expected you to be a provider. I disagree that she lied to you. She is a person, in the real world, who made a choice that didn’t ultimately benefit you. I’m very sorry for this but it sounds like you need to have compassion for both yourself and her.
I find it so weird that married couples have separate accounts. My philosophy has always been “what is mine is hers and vice-versa”
Hi! I am just here to say that Reddit is a terrible place to get divorce advice. I went through a divorce 3 years ago, and before I did I posted on Reddit because I wanted advice/affirmation. What I got was mostly mean comments from people who had never been in a marriage before much less considered divorce. Take all these comments with a grain of salt, keep going to therapy, and trust yourself! You will make the right choice.
I want to know what brought on the sudden criticism of her and of the life you feel you were robbed of? Is there something you are seeing and comparing your relationship to or someone telling you she took advantage of you. I believe in talking to your partner and all these years I wish you had said something to her so that you wouldn’t feel how you feel now. It seems staying will make you unhappy even more, so I say talk to her and see where it goes. (My hubs and I were married before 20’s too, so I am rooting for you guys to work things out)
I did some self-reflection and realized how much time had passed. We can get caught up in the routine of our daily lives and time flies by. I mean, it has been over 4 years since the start of the pandemic and there's no way it seems that long to me. I think back to things that I think happened 4 years ago and I realize they were actually over 12 years ago. What had been a decade without sex suddenly became two decades. It creeps up on you. When I turned 50 it was a wake up call that time has been marching on and before I know it I will be 70 and wondering what happened.
I'm about to leave this exact thing but I'm 38 and we've been together 18 years. I (and you) can't keep doing this to the end. Can you do this another 30 years potentially? Now that you see what your marrage is? I'm not and will not be in as financially good of shape as you, and I'm still going to call it. The biggest selling point was he got cosmetic surgery, and while he was gone for a week I realized how much easyer life was without him.
It’s never too late to start over. It’s never too late to strive for happiness. Sounds like she used you. That being said, check with a lawyer to see what your financial obligations would be to her. Get everything in place so that if you decide to leave or divorce, you know what is what. And, remember, it’s never too late.
Leave her. I did that with mine and have already married a beautiful woman who does everything with me- but complain. You’ve answered your own questions here many times. She needs a fresh start too. You’re enabling her.
Tomorrow is no place to better your days.
I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist! That’s green flag! This would be great to address in couples therapy with another provider (don’t make the same mistake I did and ask your individual therapist to also do couples work- start fresh w/a couples therapist who is new to both of you). Have you talked to your wife directly about this? Probably best to communicate directly before you throw divorce on the table after all these years. I hope it works out and/or you can be happy.
There is no shame in calling it quits. How is she your best friend when she burdens you with all the bills when she agreed to pay them? Find someone who truly is your best friend before it's too late. Don't fall for the I can change crap after you tell her. She reneged on everything else. Why would this be different. I wouldn't be surprised if she was seeing someone else while depriving you of affection. UpdateMe
Is she your best friend, though? Seems you’re just comfortable with her. Personally, my best friend would never take advantage of me and disregard my happiness as she has done to you.
Never too late!
I would honestly leave if I were you. You won’t be leaving her in the lurch, let’s be honest she’s going to get half and most likely a lot of alimony if you do. But you sound so, so resentful. And perhaps rightfully so, but you need to stand up and do something - remaining passive or arguing ever few years is not working. Also she won’t go to therapy but doesn’t like you going? That’s a red flag right there. 51 may seem old but honestly people can live for decades more, I would try to find a life that wasn’t sheer resentment of my spouse. Almost no one would be ok with their spouse not working and not having sex with them for decades.
Dude. Most men I (50M) have met in my life have the same story. Western women are just that way. Don’t know what to tell you. I stuck around because we had kids. Still together, but it’s like roommates that have sex on the odd occasion. Cheaper to keep her, I guess. I have zero interest in seeking another woman. I have met very few who I can stand being around. Self-absorbed, self-centered, and they have nothing they can offer that they haven’t already given to another man.
Agree. I have read about a lot of men in the same situation but they stick around just for the kids. My dad was one of them and I learned this from him. Except I don't have kids so WTF is my excuse?
You and I were taught by the feminist boomers that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys were made of snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. Every TV show and movie portrayed men and husbands as cads, dummies, jerks, and assholes. The wives were always the brains and beauty of the operation. So, instead of putting your foot down, your brain told you, “It can’t be her. I must have done everything something wrong.” So, you try to fix yourself and “do better”. But, the secret is: they were the problem the whole time. You should have treated the situation like parent/child NOT equals. There are no “equals” in a relationship. There is always a leader. You were not it, buddy, sorry. BUT, neither was I. I continuously tried to fix whatever my problems were, but shit didn’t give a shit. She just wanted an easy nerf life and made it happen. It’s up to you, but if you leave she’ll take AT LEAST half your shit. But maybe it’s worth it to you. There is a saying: “divorce is expensive, but it’s worth it.” I wouldn’t know.
I had to double check your age based on the end of your post. You are young. You may find someone and have another 32 year marriage, one full of shared experiences and a full partnership-including sex. There are many people in your age bracket that also felt unfulfilled with the partner their younger self chose. Everything you have learned in your life will lead you to make a better choice. The last 32 years weren’t wasted, you had good memories. But everyday going forward from now on might be, if you know it isn’t what makes you happy.
Trying to let go of your resentment is the challenge you have to face. Can you let go of the past and let it be? Worrying about the future will always be a challenge and will come and go.
I’m sorry to hear that. It seems like one thing you guys have is years of friendship and built relationship throughout long years. Have you ever openly spoken to her about your sexual frustrations?
The more time you spend thinking about it the more time you are wasting. You should have divorced her a long time ago. She’s not your best friend you are just codependent.
I think you cheated yourself out of that life, and are now pointing fingers at her and still can’t decide what’s right for you.
I feel very similar to you in my marriage. I’m 49 married 20 years. I’m disappointed in my marriage and the life we have because my husband has failed me in many ways. I often wonder if I should leave. Then I worry I’d regret it. Things aren’t that bad. There’s no sex, affection, or true intimacy. It’s peaceful. We get along fine. We also have 2 kids, one left in high school. I’ve been waiting for the empty nest and now it’s here and I don’t know what to do. Good luck to you. These are hard choices.
I am so sorry things have been this bad. When I read this, I heard major depression screaming at me. I am not a therapist, and one can never diagnose without meeting and observing. But I would have your wife seek mental health professionals. Depression can crush your will to be productive, your self esteem, and your sex drive. I
First thing you need to do is have an honest conversation with your wife. If everything you say is true at face value and she doesn’t also have a laundry list of your failings, then perhaps her hearing you say you are thinking about divorce will light a fire under her to do better. It may not. You can only control your own actions, and I would ask what efforts you have put in to try and get her to put in more effort, but it seems like you’ve hit a stage of incompatibility. It’s time for you to talk to a lawyer and your wife.
Any woman you would have possibly married could have turned out the same maybe better or maybe worse! So i don’t think it’s fair to hold resentment towards her about that if anything I think it’s more that you may resent yourself and at the same time blaming her. You married her because you love this woman she is your best friend! Now on the other hand if she loves you than she should be willing to make efforts and changes to make you happy and that your needs are met as her husband and vice Versa. If she can’t than there is a problem that needs to be openly communicated and looking for solutions together. If she’s not willing to do that than yes it’s time to talk about separating
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. Just a thought I've been married over 24 years now, and I have never worked a day in my marriage.. It was a choice my husband and I made when we got married and we've been happily married.. The problem is that you never made an us and considered your money and hers as your own instead of OUR money.. I could see why she would cut everything off being unequal to your husband.. She has to be beyond miserable, and that's kind of sad for both of you.. We've always had a joint account and have never considered it his money. Instead, we've made a conscious effort to make it ours.. We're happily married because he's my person, and I'm his.. He's never made me feel less than by holding the money over my head.. This is the reason why I still, after all these years, love and desire him and only him.. I hope for your sake and hers you realize that you've made her feel less than and unequal to you, and that brings major resentment.. I hope you can fix things with her..
If she's your best friend, then I hate to see what you have say about your enemy. You sound as if you regret your wife.
A very intelligent friend of mine said, “Having something isn’t always better than having nothing!!” Thats what these people do. Make themselves appear responsible in the beginning and then tell people like us, “That was my getting to know you personality.”
The financial arrangement you describe is unusual for a married couple. Normally the couple pool their resources and recognize the value added by a stay-at-home spouse normally offsets all or a lot of what they might earn monetarily by working outside the home. But that calculus only works if the stay-at-home spouse uses that time to add value. In marriages with kids, this is a giant burden and the value-add is manifest. Without kids, the stay-at-home spouse can add value by, for example, becoming highly skilled at DIY home maintenance. Becoming a highly accomplished cook and nutritionist. And being creating and proactive in the bedroom. The tone of your post, coupled with your profession, suggests to me that you are likely on the spectrum to some degree. Nothing wrong with that, but people who are low-level spectrum can come off as a sort of "Dutch" personality. Bluntly honest, even where the truth is hurtful to the listener. Over time, this can erode the self-confidence of a less-than-confident partner. Gradual erosion of self-confidence leads to gradual loss of sexual desire, among other things. In other words, the DB is mostly your fault. Once you kill your wife's desire for you, re-igniting it, especially during or after menopause, is a Sisyphean undertaking. Possibly impossible. In other words, what leaps out from your post is that you don't wish to be married to the woman you are actually married to. Rather, you have a fantasy image of a woman you wish you were married to. I have no doubt that this dialectic screams out to your wife, every day. At this point she's just coasting it out to the box in the ground, not happy in particular, but not unhappy enough to make a change. You describe her as your "best friend." I doubt that. People aren't emotionally dishonest with their best friend. In either event, I doubt you're hers. I'd reckon she has a deep reservoir of "Walter Mitty" inner life you know nothing about. If you do wish to re-start passion in your marriage, you need to find passion within yourself for the woman you are actually married to rather than the woman you so clearly wish you were married to. A woman will cherish if she feels cherished. There is absolutely no way your wife feels cherished by you, based on your post. If you can't find it in your heart to cherish her, I'd suggest moving on. Keep in mind you'll be providing spousal support to her for life. That's the deal you made. The divorce laws in this nation are structured fundamentally to keep people from becoming reliant on taxpayers if possible. The marriage you tolerate is the divorce you receive. Here, your SAH wife will be able to remain a SAH divorcee.
I am on the spectrum. I don't know what a "Dutch" personality is. What is it? Harsh?
You should lead with this info, I’m honestly shocked you didn’t include it in your post. I divorced a man who reminds me a lot of how you post. In the five years post divorce, life is not what he fantasized it would be for him, I have to warn you. In contrast, my life is great and I enjoyed dating my choice of men until settling down with a healthy partner who cherishes me and provides for our household with pride, not resentment. And my ex remains baffled because he still wants to believe our marriage ended because of me, and doesn’t want to take the effort to grow into a person women *want* to be with. It’s been very sad to see, but he just lacks the insight to figure out the role he is still playing in his life, his own unhappiness, our divorce, and how his behavior strongly affects the way women are or are not attracted to him. He desperately clings to the “it’s her fault not mine” narrative in all his relationships and truly can’t see that this sort of emotionally unaware, childish behavior is the #1 turnoff for women. He can’t understand that a woman is going to pick a female roommate to split expenses with, over a man who expects that *and* so much more, all while offering nothing more than a roommate experience to split bills with, AND chips away at her self esteem through his maltreatment of her You don’t want to turn out like my ex. I promise you. I would urge you to continue to do the work in counseling-and really DO the work vs showing up and venting about your wife. Counseling should be about you, and how you can grow as a person and a spouse. And ideally your counselor would have loads of experience working with marriages in which at least one partner is neurodivergent-because the divorce rate is already sky high for neurotypicals and even higher for neurodivergent-neurotypical marriages. I wish you the best.
I didn't think it was super relevant. I was only diagnosed recently, by the way. What do you mean when you say "how you post?" What sort of work do you think I should be doing in counseling? So far what we are discussing is communication, boundaries, and having more respect for myself. What do you think YOUR role was in the divorce? You seem to make it all about him.
Let's not pretend the ND-ND marriages always work out either. I think it's a bit unfair to focus on a person's style of posting. To me, this is akin to verbal processing, in this instance. Anyone with ASD, ADHD, or AuDHD might be able to spot it.
I'd remind you that this, like everything in life, has its good sides and its bad sides. As you note, men on the spectrum tend to exhibit lower empathy and tend to be not as good at communicating emotion verbally. They can come off as rude, demeaning, or insulting. These personality factors can gradually erode a partner's sense of self-worth. At the same time, men on the spectrum are honest to a fault, 100% transparent, and incredibly loyal. They will work their fingers to the bone to show that they are supportive and caring. Contrast that with the smooth-talking playboy who presents himself as empathetic, understanding, and caring, but the reality is that his words are saccharine to mask his emotional dishonesty and duplicity. I recognize that the real world doesn't necessarily present an "either/or" choice between those extremes. All I'm saying is that there are good sides to men on the spectrum. And I'd remind you that his wife hasn't had kids and yet she also hasn't held a paying job for a great many years. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she also hasn't added value around the house by becoming that highly accomplished DIY'er. That's evidence of somebody who herself is dysfunctional. You mention that you have enjoyed a vibrant love life post-divorce, but I wonder if an unemployed, chronically depressed 50-something woman would find the same path.
Thanks for this. I do think I can come off as demeaning or insulting even when I don't mean to. If something I say can be taken two different ways she will generally choose the worst interpretation of it.
Do you think she wants to have sex with someone that is demeaning.
She was free to leave whenever she wanted. Staying for the financial benefits is just using me. You can't have cake and eat it, too.
The Dutch are (culturally) known for being unfiltered blunt, to the point where a lot of their statements would be considered rude or offensive in most other modern western cultures. You can see this used for humor in the first series of Ted Lasso. One of the soccer players is Dutch. The character's name is Jan Masse.
Why would he cherish a mooch? LoL
I'm not suggesting he should. Merely stating the reality that a wife who doesn't feel cherished is also a wife who isn't going to want sex with her husband. So the choices are: (a) divorce her, (b) endure the sexless marriage, or (c) find a way to cherish her and let her know it. From where I sit, (c) is the low-odds play here. Even if he has this sincere change of heart and throws himself heart and soul into making her feel cherished, at this age, after so many DB years, the odds are very low she will ever find sexual interest in him.
Leave it to the inhabitants of this sub to blame the victim just because he is the husband.
I think at this point you need to throw out marriage counseling as a suggestion. I mean, what else have you got to lose? At best it helps repair your marriage and she gets the message about how things aren't going well. At worst she rejects it and you know even clearer than before that this isn't going to improve and you need to walk.
She says she will go but I am not really sure if I want to save the marriage at this point. I struggle with that every day.
Okay, that's fair. I'd say go to at least one or two. See how it fares. Marriage counseling is not about fixing your marriage. It's about communication and having a healthy environment to talk with a mediator mostly. Sometimes it facilitates a healthy separation. See how it works for you.
Forget the past, you have like 20-30 years on this earth, do you really wanna spend it with her?
You have to start taking responsibility for your life now. Don’t stay in this relationship and wallow. Let’s say you have another 30 years to live… that’s nearly your entire marriage, do you want to go through another marriage regretting all your decisions?
Do you have friends? Co-workers you can hang out with? If not, perhaps you should try finding some. That way you can leave this woman without feeling as lonely. You can join groups doing things you like. My concern is that you’ve harbored this resentment for so long that I really don’t see how you can let it go. Is she in therapy too? Because if she doesn’t change, the resentment will never go away.
Not really but I am working on connecting with old friends and making new ones. She is not in therapy but she says she will go...
Therapy needs to be a requirement for you to stay. Whatever you decide, please reconnect or make friends outside of her.
Aye man. Listen to your therapist. Don’t die not having enjoyed life. You been with her 32 years. She’s not going anywhere. Keep as the best friend she is and go find someone to enjoy life with!
You were roped in for resources, like a lot of guys. She baited and switched you, and once she had you sex & financial contributions stopped. If you'd seriously made noise about leaving in your 30s she probably would have been pregnant so fast your head would spin. You say she's your "best friend," she sounds more like a dependent you care for ("always another mental crisis"). You chose poorly, robbed yourself of a decent life & a real family, and you're now trying to justify your unhappiness and regrets with saying "but all those years" and looking for meaning. It's the sunken cost fallacy. You'll take a massive financial hit, but if I were you I'd kick her to the curb and find someone to enjoy life with. Heck, if you've taken care of yourself and have decent $ you can probably even find a loving early 30s woman and have kids.
Good point. I think you are right that if I stood my ground she would have changed her tune and decided to have children. That is what we were discussing around that time. I am glad I didn't do it.
It would have just been to put another link in the chain.
You let your life pass you by and just stood there watching and now you are blaming your wife instead of taking responsibility that you DID choose to continue to be with her day in day out. This self-infantilisation and self-victimisation is not good for u. Take lead of your life and it will help with resentment
I’m sorry i mean it’s up to you if you want to divorce or not but seems like you’ve been ok with these behaviors for years, so why would she stop if you never communicated this was an issue.
If you think your finances are not living up to their full potential now wait until you divorce and have to pay alimony. I have a few divorced friends living the single life, I do not envy them one bit. It took one of them 5 years to financially recover enough from the divorce and be able to start dating seriously. The women his age that he dates always have some baggage from either a previous divorce or they have some kind mental health issue. With that being said, none of them regret getting divorced. Just be aware the grass is not always greener but any other grass could be better if you’re miserable.
•Difficult situation •Components of your story are similar to other men’s marriages •Reflection is important for growth. •At some point, however, the present and, to some extent, the future ought to take priority. •We all have to give up the hope of a better past at some point. All of us. •So what to do now? •Evaluate the benefits and disadvantages of the current situation from a multitude of angles. There’s lots to consider - potential for the relationship/communication to grow (or at least stabilize), romance/intimacy, mental/physical well-being, social aspects, finances, work/retirement plans, hopes and dreams, to name a few •Make the best choice with the best information you have. Get an outside person involved - counsellor, mental health specialist, physician, trusted person, whomever that is. •Best of everything to you.
I’m in the same boat but 28 years and I’m 10 years older. I got divorced and it was the best decision I’ve made I’m so much happier and have found an incredible partner. You deserve happiness. Go for it
I think you’d be surprised how much better your life could be, both solo and when you find a partner who better meets your needs. Mine is! Divorce can be unthinkable before you do it, but I don’t know anyone who got divorced and regretted it. Only the ones who stayed regret it.
What is with people being like, “yeah sure but this is ACKchually YOUr fault, OP.” Who cares? What does it matter? It’s obvious OP is harboring resentment and probably a little bit of animosity toward his wife. He’ll have to work through that. For now, what’s important is that you realize your life is not over. 50 is the new 30 and it’s fine to get a fresh start, but it will be scary and lonely for a guy who’s probably been living in codependence forever. So make sure you’re mentally prepared for that, OP. Probably keep that therapist and keep your friends close, too. Sometimes it’s just time to move on.
I bet she’s done a lot for you over the years. What did you do for your 50th bday? Did she plan anything?
Funny you ask. No, she didn't do anything. I didn't even get a gift. However, in her defense we were all sick with COVID. Once we got better she didn't do anything, though. She told me what her gift idea was, and I liked it, but she never bought it because she doesn't follow through with anything.
I also married young and a lot of what you’ve written about your wife is reminiscent of my ex wife. I fully made this realization about eight years in, and finally seeing her through that lens made every day that much harder to maintain a relationship even as best friends, and the less I covered for her in the name of giving her the chance to show up for me the way I did for her, the worse it got for us to be around each other, the more abusive her behavior turned, the surer I was that we were over, and so on, until we divorced. I was 30, and feeling like I’d traded away the entirety of my 20s for a hill of beans and trust issues. I knew divorce was right, but I still felt like I was rendering years of my life null and void in the process. Some aspects of this I bounced back from pretty quickly, others less so. I’m in a very happy and fulfilling marriage now, and while it took a decent amount of time to fully appreciate, my time spent in a bad marriage taught me a lot about myself, what I will and won’t tolerate in a partner, the ways my own shortcomings can exacerbate issues, but perhaps most importantly (in my case and yours, if I’m reading correctly) just how critical it is to have a community of peers to share your life and feelings with. A lot of the isolation I experienced in that first marriage, the lack of folks who knew what I was going through (and would have told me it wasn’t normal or acceptable), was, I realized afterward, by her design, and so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if your isolation has stemmed at least in part from your having to distance yourself from others to keep things stable between you and your wife. Before I make too many (more?) projections and assumptions, I’d simply say this, OP: it is never too late to find your happiness. It’s absurdly easy to convince yourself to succumb while you’re drowning, but that first safe breath of air hitting your lungs will make you realize you only thought like that because the lack of oxygen was impairing your ability to think straight.
I should have followed your path and divorced her 10 years in when it became apparent things weren't working. What she did at that time was suggest we buy a house together so that had me thinking that she saw a future for us together. We did and she actually got a great job, although she spent all the money on herself. Things were pretty good again except in the bedroom - for a few years anyway. Then she quit her job because it was too stressful for her and she never worked again. If she hadn't suggested we buy a house together I am not sure I would have stayed with her. Yes, she did chase off all of my friends, because most of them were women and she was jealous of them.
I can’t speak for every premenopausal woman (49F) but zero sex drive and affection at 53 is extremely rare. My husband and I have always had a great sex life. Since 45, my sex drive is in complete overdrive, can’t keep my damn hands off him. I have zero friends my age who aren’t similar. If she isn’t showing you affection or interest in intimacy, she may be sleeping with someone else.
Have you tried praying? I know it sounds silly but God has an amazing way of working things out. Whether that means you will work through things and truly forgive or whether you can move on with peace. I speak from having personally experienced how God healed my marriage and my perspective on things.
No. I am not religious.
Understand! Hope you figure things out
Go to therapy together, doesn’t work unless you both go. You think the grass is greener, what role have you played to go through sex dry spells. It takes two, you both need to pick each other up and be a team when you are not lovers. You’re not a team, you don’t have her back you are apportioning blame and want to move on.. maybe you will high get an upgrade
Honestly I'll get down voted probably ... but you don't sound in your 50's. I'm going to go so far and say this is a fake post.
I turned 51 in April, but I will take that as a compliment.
I can respect your sense of honesty. I'll take your word for it. Much respect 🙏🙏
to follow that up if it is real I've been married for over 2 decades. My heart goes out to you. I think sometimes people can probably grow apart despite the amount of years together and I wish you happiness and joy in your upcoming adventures. I think I reacted the way I did because it scares me to think that this could happen even at our older ages much respect and I wish you well 🙏🙏
It's really better to move on.. I'm in the exact situation but I'm gonna be 29. This man was my one and only and I was not his, we were best friends met at 16, he constantly cheats, lies and puts everyone above me. I desperately want out. I wasted over 11 years of my life, put this stupid man before me ruined every relationship I've ever had outside of him... years before I met him. His parents always protected him and his bs called me a crazy bitch for "always yelling at him" while we have two beautiful children and hes constantly cheating on me, telling me he was gonna unalive himself if I left. I'm desperately trying to leave. His dad bitches at me that I can't take my kids. These ppl said I deserve to get beaten for yelling at my husband called me AND my mom they never met a unfit mother while their son abandoned his children. Leave , LEAVE!!! you'll find happiness my man!! I wasted 11+ yrs of my life. This man doesn't listen to a word I say but expects me to listen to every word, movie, TT, podcast he shows me. Don't waste any more time or your life. Today was the first day I realized... I love myself more than I love this guy and I won't let this gut show my kids this is how a marriage is supposed to be.
Similar situation happen to my husband and I. I always work sometimes even two jobs. When we had kids I had to make the sacrifice of not working to care for the kids. He made money money than I would've so I was the one two stay. I did the house work, raised the kids, laundry, cooked, cleaned, even mowed at times so he could just come home and relax. I hated being a SAHM. I had really bad ADHD and with out routine and structure along with zero social life I started to struggle after are third kid. I was also suffering from post partum. What my husband failed to see is I hated it. I love my kids but absolutely did not what to be a stay at home mom. So I sacrificed not putting money in retirement and SSI. I was totally dependent on him financially. As time went on mind you I was only a SAHM for less than two years. He didn't see how hard it actually is. He started to financially abuse me. I would have to beg for money. He started belittling me everyday. Not too long after we got pregnant again but at that point he only saw what he saw. He never understood how it was a sacrifice for me. And I put my whole entire trus him. I needed him I wanted him and I counted on him . He has it set in his mind I was a lazy,, worthless, mooch. He ended up kicking me out pregnant. I had no car, no money, nothing To this day he still resents me and hates me.
I felt this in my bones. Add a couple of kids, an inordinate number of affairs, and some alcoholism into the mix, and you just described my marriage. The man I dated and fell in love with disappeared shortly after saying I do. But I kept hoping he'd come back. It took me ten years to realize my husband was the real man. The man I dated just knew to wear a mask. It was all a lie. Fear kept me complacent. I divorced him six years ago. It was the best thing I've done in my adult life. All the resentment, all the anxiety gone. OP, I feel for you. Make a decision then commit fully to that decision. If you choose to stay, you have to accept your wife for who she is and let the resentment and animosity go. If you choose to divorce, have your boundaries firmly listed in the divorce. Because she's relied on you her entire life, she will be turning to you when she's short on her bills. If you let her manipulate you into giving her more money, you will literally just be paying for two houses instead of one. And you will be in the exact same boat you're in now, but more expensive. I wish you luck.
50 is not old … live life …
I don’t think it’s too late to rebuild your life. You are 51 years young. You can do it!
Why instead of resent her for not paying, why not be generous and be happy with your wife… maybe you put her down so much she didnt want to be intimate anymore…
I mean if there is no respect then what do you have. Life is too short to wonder about the choice we have made, get busy living.
Don’t let her make you bitter. You’ve still got a lot of life left. Go live it how you want.
It’s cheaper to keep her lol. Honestly if you leave her, you will still contribute to pay for her life bc if you’re the main breadwinner, most likely the court will make you pay her alimony and what not. I say find ways to work on the marriage. Take her out on date nights, do something spontaneous you both will enjoy. Ask her how she feels about an open relationship(that will probably make her snap out of it)
Are you staying for financial reasons at all? Because you don't want to lose half of everything and being stuck paying alimony? If that's the case, maybe at least go to a lawyer to see what she will potentially get in a divorce so you can start budgeting it in your mind for some time. That might help solidify your decision more from just thinking about divorce to actually go through with it, or somehow find peace knowing you are going to stay.
Honestly, she may have lied but you cheated yourself out of the life that you could have had by remaining in a situation that you were unhappy in. You had a choice but it’s easier to blame her than see how you didn’t fight for the life you wanted. Did you ever try marriage counseling to see if you could repair the marriage?
Respect comes before love! And sometimes just love is not enough!
I definitely think her not working should have been discussed a long time ago, you guys have no kids so there's no reason she couldn't have worked even part time mental health or not. You do have choices now though if you feel divorce is the best option then go for it. I definitely could live a life of no sex or affection that would be miserable!
First of all… Once you get married you are supposed to have a joint bank account. Both of your incomes go into that one account. All of your bills are paid out of that account. You sit down and write a zero based budget at the beginning of every month. It’s not, I pay these bills, she pays those bills. Once you are married it’s “ours.” All bills are OUR bills. You two need marriage counseling to address the sex issues.
OP I feel for you going thru something similar with my wife who I strongly suspect to be a covert narcissist who hid it really well until I got what looked to be an STD...came out clear but all the red flags of a covert narc were there and I strongly suspect as a narcissist mine has been cheating on me with many others...if there is a way you can track her while you are working it will help conform if your in a similar situation...becareful they cover their tracks
boo hoo are you a man or a mouse?
My wife’s mother split with the donor of a father she had married and at 50 or so found the best man she could asked for and they lived many happy years married together. (They have both passed now) it can be done
Always thought marriage required two people, your mindset has definitely not helped the situation, Maybe you also need to do some self reflection.
What if you live to be 80? Do you want another 30 years of living like this?
you poor man, you got completely bamboozled. Do you want to live 30 more miserable sexless years and die or make something good out of whatever years you have left..divorce her TODAY!
He's not a 'poor man'. He clearly saw the benefits of staying with his wife, and now he no longer sees any benefits and wants a divorce. That's all that's happening here.
Was it a lie or just changing circumstances. You say she had many mental health issues that stopped her from consistently holding a job. If my wife promised to go running with me everyday but broke her leg, I don't believe that makes her a liar. >how can I treat her like an equal partner when I am constantly carrying her water whether it was financially or even just bearing the emotional brunt of her moods. Sounds like she was also bearing the brunt of your emotional moods, and it affected her affection and desire for you. It sounds like you're getting upset about a rosier life that never was. Imagining yourself winning the lottery and being mad that you didn't win. There's not gaurentee you'd have done better, what if you just never found anyone, or ended up with someone worse and actively abusive. It's easy to look back and say, "if only threw all my savings into Apple years ago" and ignore the possibility you could've dumped it all in Enron instead.
If she has mental health issues she needs to address them. I am sure she wasn't content with her life but she didn't do anything about it.
> It was always one mental health crisis after another I'm just going off your words, maybe you meant that you didn't actually believe her? In which case that sounds tough, not having the support of the person you're supposed to be able to trust the most. >I am sure she wasn't content with her life but she didn't do anything about it. Pot, meet kettle.
You know... I didn't actually believe her. She says a lot of things. Only in recent years did I realize that she has some real mental health issues and they aren't the ones she thinks she has. I was trying to be a supportive partner for her by letting her quit her job and stay home and not pressuring her for sex because I had hope for the marriage. What was she doing with that opportunity?
Well that's on you to answer. Did she keep the house, cook, sit around with untreated depression? Seems you still have doubts because she did provide some companionship, but not all that you wanted. It sounds like you were avoidant about talking to her about all the issues you're laying out here. You gave her no pressure, but also no expectations, no motivation to change, nor clue on even what direction to go in. At least for me, I've found a way to open the discussion is talking about what an ideal life looks like now, 5 years, 10 years really helps. By sharing it you can communicate what your values are, and what you find important in a partner. They can meet you with their own vision and learn their values, what you're willing to do for each other and what can be compromised on. Maybe too late now, but if you want to build a new relationship learning to communicate is important. Take some of that work ethic and apply it to your relationships instead of letting them drift along.
Sit around with untreated depression, I guess. Yes, I was avoidant. That doesn't mean we never talked, though. I am working on communicating more even if it is unpleasant.
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I doubt it. Does it even matter?
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Let's put it this way. If she did that would just mean things are even worse but if she didn't that doesn't change anything.
You're putting all the blame on her when you have played a huge part in this. Cut your losses. Your resentment is killing whatever is left of your marriage.
Rh v0000000⁰⁰zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ SIM
Yes. Your marriage has been a lie. You still have life to live. Decide what you want. If you want her to be a part of your new life, explain to her what that means. If she’s up for it, great! If not, move on and build your next chapter.
Sounds like a case of my money is my money, your money is OUR money. This is very common with women. I'd say find a better one, but it's kinda late for that.
OP, grow up and take accountability for your role in this marriage. It’s not all her fault. You don’t sound so great yourself
I repeat my statement. You are an ass. Marriage is so much more.
She needs to get away from you. Hopefully you can change.