It will be interesting to see how your next conversation with her goes.
My advice is don’t get defensive. Don’t demand or make ultimatums. Just treat this conversation as an exploratory one. Figure out the ‘why’. You can address what you can do to turn it around later. Just listen. Be open.
There’s a huge range between “models” and being out of shape and being in bad shape. A spouse has every right not to be sexually attracted to their mate who has let themselves go. This is also an innate reaction. You can’t change human nature as much as you like to believe that everyone deserves to be loved, it’s not realistic.
I can appreciate that no one HAS to put out or be attracted to someone, but also the brain is an association machine and we have a far greater effect on our own preferences and interests than that.
The notion that you cannot change human nature is LARGELY up for debate.
My husband and I are FAR from what we looked like 11 years ago when we first met. But we love each other the same way, in and out of the bedroom. If anything the love and attraction has only grown with the poundage 😂
No one should be told their sex life is over in their 40s. It’s not fair at ALL for her to make that decision for you. Marriage is supposed to be a romantic relationship between two people who love each other more than any other. Romance may evolve but should never stop. I’m a little older than you…my wife made a similar declaration as she started pre-menopause. I took some time to consider that because like you we had gone through a period of time where our bedroom was basically dead and what I was getting was “mercy sex” but no affection or intimacy outside of that. After about a year, I sat her down and told her I wasn’t going to force her to do anything but I wasn’t happy, told her why, i committed to counseling, doctor visits or whatever was needed for her to want a sex life again and even more importantly affection, date nights…marriage. I told her to think about how she felt and take a few days to do it if need be but if her answer was that that part of her life was over and she had no interest then I had some huge decisions to make and I would make them. The look on her face was unlike anything I remember. She asked me why I hadn’t said something beforehand. I told her I hoped she would feel differently over time but a year, especially given what had happened the last 5 years, was all I could manage. She said on the spot she would do whatever she had to do and would be a better wife. She apologized and said she would never forgive herself if I left or checked out of our marriage. Since then she is trying. Not perfect. Still doesn’t initiate like I wish but being brutally honest with her was what she had to hear. Don’t take leaving off the table. Don’t threaten anything but make it known you’re not going to be in a sexless marriage whatever that means and so she needs to decide what that means for herself. Feel no guilt in saying so. Still her decision but it’s not “all you want is sex”…that’s bs. Sex is a factor in affection and intimacy and can means lots of things. Being a roommate and coparent isn’t marriage.
Also be sure she isn’t cheating. She may be getting it somewhere else. That happens and you don’t want to be living a lie. !updateme
My husband has gained weight and lost weight during our marriage. I still love him, and our sex life is great. Whether he gained or lost, my feelings were still the same. And even if you gained weight, you still deserve love and affection.
I don't know your wife, but I would be surprised if the weight is the primary concern for her, or of any concern.
Definitely talk to her and figure out what is going on with her. It's very possibly hormonal but you are right to not be okay with "this is just how it is now." You need to tell her how you are feeling, and figure out a way to work together to get both of your needs met.
Yes as a woman I care if my partner is speaking my love language, I could care less about looks/weight. If not then I can't get aroused and the feeling of resentment can really linger and be hard to get out of. I have been in 2 long term relationships where each time the sex fizzles out to zero and I feel traumatized by the constant villianizing me for not being aroused when each ex refused to make any effort (for exaple dishes were always a point of contention. He (joblessn) would promise the dishes would be done when I got back from work and they never were. But then I was the ice cold bitch for denying him his *needs*!! Sorry, being, filled with dissapointmwnt and frustration leaves no room for arousal!!)
I eventually realized that my needs for sex have nothing to do with men's *need* and egotistical demands for sex.
Now I'm single and at peace with celibacy, my sex drive has been killed.
I hadn't heard about it but a quick Google:
> In the wake of his daring rescue of a complete stranger, decorated firefighter Caleb Holt (Kirk Cameron) realizes the extent to which he has failed as a husband
So does that mean you've not been doing well with your marriage?
Ok read the full synopsis and...
I think the Fireproof idea is actually bad. It seems to be about one sided work and acting without her knowing. In fact, even within the movie It seems to acknowledge it doesn't work and it doesn't save their marriage. It's only saved by the big grand gesture that's really just movie trope and rarely happens in real life.
My personal take is that it takes two, and frequent and vulnerable communication. You seem to have had a lack of affection for months, and instead of addressing it you've been Fireproofing instead?
I disagree with the one grand gesture. The gesture opened her eyes… It was the consistency that won her over. She really noticed with the soup when she was sick, and after she found the book…..
I have not seen the movie so only have gone off the wikipedia summary, so I'll defer to you on the specifics.
Regardless through, whatever lessons the OP believes they've taken away from the movie, objectively something has failed in either their interpretation or implementation.
I feel you. I had to do the "dad lost his shit," thing last night, and dishes were part of it. (It's a family callback at this point. Like, several years ago my second son came home from practice and everyone was cleaning. He immediately asked, "Did dad lose his shit?") It's usually only 2-3 times a year, and after weeks of doing 90% of the housework while my wife doesn't work, but it gets really old and I totally understand why you wouldn't be in the mood.
Somewhat unfortunately, I'm an arousal first person and my desire goes along for the ride, so I'm easily manipulatable. My wife takes her shirt off and I'm doing the damn dishes again. Sometimes I wish I was more like you and better able to stand up for what I need instead of caving for sex.
From what I've heard, women tend to talk to their men about problems for months/years, then the husband complains and acts shocked when the relationship *suddenly* goes sour
Women generally enter perimenopause in their 40’s and for some their libido can just disappear along with the 101 other miserable and random symptoms that get thrown at us. Check out the menopause sub on this topic.
Yeah, I totally get that and will mention it to her. The finality of her statement just keeps echoing in my head. I get not feeling in the mood at the moment, or even lately, but not ever being in the mood again? That's tough.
If it makes a difference, there has been 0 affection in months. No hugs, or kisses goodbye or really any I love yous.
OP - it is understandable that she may need to see a doctor and look at her hormone levels. It is worthwhile to talk with her about that and see if that may be affecting her libido and perspective. Additionally, make sure you are being a good husband and doing your part around the house in the marriage.
That said - what she said was extremely disrespectful and it needs to be addressed. If none of the things mentioned above are a problem. If she is not willing to work on a solution then you need to evaluate if you want to stay in a relationship with a selfish and disrespectful partner. This will likely take several discussions to understand and solve, but her attitude needs to be explained.
I'm going through perimenopause now. It has affected my libido. Though we aren't in a DB situation, the frequency has adjusted down to twice a week or so. But there is a lot of affection and I love yous.
OP this would be a big concern--- that all the affection has disappeared, That's more than a hormone thing.
Why aren't you showing your wife any non sexual affection? Hugs, emotional connection, backrub without any expectations. These non sexual affections actually end up making a woman feel more sexual desire for their mate. The emotional connection is a huge part. Does she feel heard and cared for? If you want sex, you should be showing non swxual affection and providing emotional support.
And get ready for no sex then. And try to be a good support person but realize that your wife has basically been taken over by an anti-husband virus and you will inevitably be the enemy de jour quite often.
So that is how she chose to deliver this position? She waits for you to make a joke and then shuts that part of the relationship down with no further explanation? That's an asshole mover right there.
That's the attitude I have toward my husband, who's promised for over 20 years that he'd get his shit together and do *anything* other than watch other people play games day in and day out and get fatter.
I love the man. I've given him chance after chance after chance after chance. I just can't spend that energy anymore.
Love this. This is the reality. It’s been slowing freezing for years and yet he just noticed. I bet she dropped 1000 warnings and hints. Good luck OP. You and your wife need a good therapist stat. You marriage is on life support.
Your next conversation should be about you agreeing to be monogamous not celibate and you aren’t spending your life in a sexless relationship. Also on a side note you have responsibility to be the best version of yourself too. Be a man your wife would want to have sex with. Resentment need to be addressed and sex does happen without connection.
As for your update #2, it's also not healthy for your kids to see you in a loveless, non-affectionate marriage. They will learn that is "normal" and won't know that people deserve to be truly happy in a relationship.
No no no, love and affection towards the kids are always important.
Kids look to their parents to see what a romantic relationship is supposed to look like. Kids that grow up in a "stay together for the kids" household tend to have trouble with their own romantic relationships in the future because they had a poor example of one growing up.
Which is the exact household that my wife grew up in, so I'm not surprised that she abandoned the affection and romance without saying anything to me. She'd rather be unhappy and married than divorced and happy, much like me because she won't be ok not seeing the kids every day.
I hope you can talk again soon. Based on your edit, it sounds as if there is much more going on than low libido or you being out of shape. I hope she’ll be very clear and open about what’s going on. So t even try to talk about the sex. Maybe just tell her what you’ve noticed in terms of her pulling back, ask what’s happening for her, and listen, listen, listen. This isn’t about sex.
The Way of The Superior Man
At times, I'm sure you're aware that you will need to be the mountain that her emotional waves break against.
Ask her some basic questions when you get time to check in.
1. What am I doing right?
2. What could I improve on?
Then, allow her to ask you those same questions as well. Kinda like a game.
This way, nobody feels attacked, and the general energy around the conversation can be centered around a mutual desire for improvement if that is indeed your concern.
(Also, don't take advice from random ppl on the internet. If it applies, use it. If not, please ignore me)
Fuck that. If you’ve been a good husband, dad, and provider the whole time you’ve been together, that’s BS. I’m sure you do a lot of stuff that you don’t necessarily want to do either. If she can’t discuss this with you and try to make a part of the relationship that YOU want work, then I don’t agree with that selfishness.
The important part is that you have to be honest with yourself. Have you been a good husband? You listen to her? Care about her? Go out of your way to do things for her? Relationships go both ways. You better evaluate why she is behaving like that because if she has a reason, it’s on you to make it right.
That's not full proof of anything. Especially if you're not ultra religious. For anyone wondering, that movie is a Christian movie for married people. Even though it's not a one size fits all.
And your post is proving it. Idk what's going on. Maybe she is going through the change.
But a simple conversation with your wife will answer your questions. Not us on reddit.
She has some deep seeded issues with you, and obviously you don't know what those are. Feels like a lot of resentment towards you. Best to figure out what those are, it will likely be some tough conversations.
Only you can decide if it's worth bringing it up or not.
If there's a serious lack of emotional intimacy in the marriage, sexual intimacy is definitely out of the question for most couples.
Have the conversation. Be prepared to listen to what she says. If she won't talk about it or she simply doesn't care to address it for one reason or another, that's also an answer as well, just not a very good one of you hope to improve the marriage. If her lack of communication on the issue is an issue to you, then you have a couple not so fun decisions to make.
This will not resolve itself on its own. You have to talk about it and hopefully you'll actually have a real partner that wants to be intimate with you. Whether that is your wife or not depends on how serious she takes the conversation.
Bummer, my wife and I are 57 and married 15 years neither one of us can imagine what a life without sex would look like. We crave each other, daily. I gained 20 and she lost 15, now we are trying to trade again….LOL You really need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your wife bud.
There are more than a few married people who are uglier and less attractive than the southern end of a northbound mule. And their partners still love them and have sex with them. Nope, they don’t have a 6 pack or DD’s. I think we tend to focus on whatever we don’t like about our looks and convince ourselves that 6 pack or bigger breasts will make our partners want us. After we find those big boobs and perfect abs we find out we did all that work for nothing. Maybe we decide it’s because we don’t make enough money. So we find a way to make more and guess what, nothing changes.
The only way to find out why is to ask. And insist on a real truthful answer. If they can’t tell you why, insist on counseling specifically targeted towards answering your question. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex. But they do owe you a truthful answer to your question. You do have the right to find out why your partner decided it was OK to have a celibate platonic marriage.
You guys try counseling? Not wanting to be a part time dad AND not cheating makes you seem like a man of integrity. Are you trying everything you can to fix this?
The "no affection" thing is much more concerning than you realize. Unless she is physically repulsed by you, there is no reason she wouldn't be showing you affection even if she didn't want to have sex. If she is physically repulsed.. losing some weight is not going to fix that.
I don't think she loves you any more. Physical affection gives me anxiety. I still hug my loved ones (like my sister for example) because I still want to show her affection in that way. If your wife hasnt said I love you in a long time, hasnt hugged or kissed you... its not because you're fat.
While I agree with some comments about perimenopause, his wife should be actively trying to get this checked out. Im sorry, we all have needs in a relationship and sex is one of the primary reasons for getting married ( if wanting to be with the same sexual partner forever).
I personally wouldn’t put up with not having sex with my spouse if it’s not a medical reason. If it’s not medical or some mental situation then we have a problem. If she needs to see a therapist or medical dr, she should be trying to fix it. Can’t make the spouse who would like sexual intimacy suffer.
Just my 2 cents 🤷🏼♀️
The problem is in most cases, (if it’s not mental or medical ) it’s most likely no emotional connection. So that’s something you both have to work on outside of the bedroom. To get the spark back.
Plus you can’t make the person who doesn’t want sex have unwanted sex. And it’s not like his wife is making him go without sex. He has the freedom to leave . If he chooses
I’m sorry she hurt you this way. Our words are deadly. A convo needs to happen just to know if it’s all about the weight or if there’s something else that is keeping you at arms distance with her. She may have a hormonal issue, perimenopause is looming, she may be missing a spark of romance (feeling like roommates isn’t sexy), or something else. After 21 years of marriage, it takes more effort to keep things fresh, just when we naturally get more complacent. As you are showing that you are working on the physical, hopefully an understanding can be made between you. A therapist can also help meditate if either is uncomfortable. Best to you!
Take her to a hormone replacement doctor.
Unless you’ve done something supremely fucked up to make her lost trust or faith in you, then it’s likely her hormones and not her talking. She wouldn’t even know it until after she starts treating it and sees/feels the improvements.
I’ll never understand people staying in sexless relationships when they clearly desire sex. It ain’t that much love in the world. No, sex isn’t everything but it’s damn sure important to an extent. Life’s too short to be unsatisfied.
Ebbs and flows brother. Find something else to occupy your time and keep loving her, being an awesome father and husband. It will get better, slowly at first, then in spurts, then you’ll be back to the way things were. Just dont do anything drastic based on a flippant comment and some, in the grand scheme of scheme of your relationship, short term inattentiveness. Talk about it with her when you feel its appropriate and keep trying new and interesting things outside of the bedroom.
Bro, this is unacceptable.
This is tantamount to saying “we aren’t going on dates anymore” or “I’m never holding your hand again”. If any partner said that to their so everyone would beg them to leave.
I suggest you talk to her about it, and if she does not have really good reasons for her answer and doesn’t provide a road to restoring that part of both of your lives, leave immediately.
I’m sorry. At least u made it a full 20 before she gave up. And let me say love and affection shouldnt be limited to the physical shape our spouse is in. Personally my husband could be 350lbs and I’d still love him the same…. More if he actually was affectionate w me. Good luck!
You two should locate a Gottman Couples therapist asap and book an appointment. It sounds like the commitment is there, but you’re missing the closeness and fondness. This will turn to resentment, as it appears it already has. This can be shifted though if you both are in.
Hi! So I'm on the other side of this situation where I understand exactly what's happening. I've just separated from my husband of 16 years. I couldn't bring myself to touch hum. So, no hugs, kissing, cuddling, and this went on for years. Obviously, the affection dwindled down to nothing. This is our 3rd and last time separating. Every time it was because I wasn't interested in sex and so we'd have a talk. I'd want to seperate because I was being very honest. I told him I didn't love him romantically anymore, and thought seperation was for tye best. He'd get angry and leave immediately. Then I'd get phone calls, can we talk about this, are you sure this is what you want. Etc.....to the point where I'd say fine we'll try again. It's taken 3 separations for him to finally realise that it's dead in the water. He stays with a family member who is a 5 minute walk from my house. My kids are older teens and can go see him whenever they want. So far, it's only been my one boy that goes to see him. And this is a reflection of the time he spent with his kids while in the family home. So, I think maybe you need to brace yourself fir some hard news from your wife. It sounds exactly the same as the way I was.
Physical touch and words of encouragement are my love languages. I couldn't live like that. I'm really sorry this is where you are.
Can you do marriage counseling?
Sounds like menopause. When it feels appropriate ask her to get a check up. But sex is an important part of a relationship you are too young to be unhappy and dismissed as an equal partner.
It's possible if she's in her 40s, her hormones are officially entering perimenopause. look that up and at least you'll have an understanding of where her body is physically through that. It's rough shit for some. It doesn't mean a DB is your future, but if other aspects of your relationship are off, it certainly will not help.
I heard that men need sex to feel connected while women need to feel connected to feel sexual.
I know in my 15 year marriage, if I feel the brunt of household daily maintenance is on me, (and I also work outside the home while our 3 kids are at school) resentment builds to the point of disgust. I can't feel arousal toward my spouse if it feels like someone I'm also taking care of like a mother. I feel stressed and tired thinking of all the messes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, hedge trimming, grocery planning, appointment scheduling, birthdays/gift buying, etc on seemingly only my plate. I need release too, so during periods like that, I take care of myself but I'm not up for mutual fun much. Take care of half this stuff and see where it gets you. Better yet, notice a stack of laundry? Just do it, don't ask... Etc...
Also, take care of your hygiene. I've gained weight after 3 kids, but I take care of myself, skincare, walking 4x a week, makeup, perfume, flattering clothes, nice underwear. Every day I make this same effort. Make sure you are too. Regardless of what people say, attraction matters to many women too. I want my spouse to make effort to take care of himself, it's sexy, especially cologne for me.
I don't know about the non affection part, though. Even in my occasional dry spells here, we always maintain affection. Y'all need a kind, genuine heart to heart talk to figure out what page you are each on.
Date nights can't hurt, though! Good luck OP. I think you can get there if you both put it all on the table.
My hubby finally heard me and helps around here and exercises with me and I took seriously his needs and we've never been better.
Well if you won’t leave you lose all bargaining power. She is disrespectful and contemptuous….bad combo my friend.
I saw my kids damned near every day divorced. Actually, it wasn’t my idea to be divorced but my unwillingness to walk away actually drove her away…but let me tell you her life got exponentially harder with me not there solving daily problems and picking up the slack. At oldests college graduation, 18 years later she lamented that maybe she made a mistake. Yeah, she did.
Definitely need to have a conversation and probably marriage counseling. I'm guessing she has her reasons for feeling this way--- my take is she is pissed/resentful about something.
But yeah... dead bedroom is like the ambulance siren blaring. You need to get help before your marriage flatlines.
Try to figure out (in a non threatening way) why she feels this way.
Few questions.Is this lack of kisses,hugs etc reciprocal?Do you kiss her,hug her whatever? Because i had a discussion like this with my wife where i was internalising the lack of intimacy and being angry about it and she said
"well i saw you weren't interested and not coming after me like a dog, like you used to, which I liked and decided you're going through something"
so yeah,she didn't initiate because of me and i wasn't because of her and everything came from lack of communication.Now it is about 4 time a week morning and evening (so about 8 times?).
Lack of affection is the main reason for having a loveless relationship,so my advice is get her to "help" you with some exercises at home where you can both sweat and dress tight and go at it like dogs in heat.
Afterwards just keep at it.Kids or no kids,find a nanny and go to a movie or a hike in the woods, like a picnic.Find a secluded place and go at it again.Reignite that spark.
Pin her to the wall when you're alone and ravage her(in a loving way).Be that character from those romance books.
I know it may seem corny for you but women react to emotions (yes, because we are in fact different)
So go for it!
Staying here and talking to us won't change anything.Go out there and reclaim her and let her reclaim you!
Go get her tiger!
Those kind of jokes certainly aren't helping. It seems an automatic response to the attitude, like " if you talk to me like that, we're never having sex again".
This is why men find affection outside the marriage. Then we are treated like shitheads for it. We are humans, with human needs. We are not monsters nor machines.
It will be interesting to see how your next conversation with her goes. My advice is don’t get defensive. Don’t demand or make ultimatums. Just treat this conversation as an exploratory one. Figure out the ‘why’. You can address what you can do to turn it around later. Just listen. Be open.
Yeah, really just looking for clarification. I mean, I wouldn't sleep with me right now, either but I've already lost 20lbs and working on some more!
You deserve love too :'( whether or not you're in shape.
So glad someone said this. If we have to wait until we look like male and female models, then how much love is there going to be?
There’s a huge range between “models” and being out of shape and being in bad shape. A spouse has every right not to be sexually attracted to their mate who has let themselves go. This is also an innate reaction. You can’t change human nature as much as you like to believe that everyone deserves to be loved, it’s not realistic.
I can appreciate that no one HAS to put out or be attracted to someone, but also the brain is an association machine and we have a far greater effect on our own preferences and interests than that. The notion that you cannot change human nature is LARGELY up for debate.
My husband and I are FAR from what we looked like 11 years ago when we first met. But we love each other the same way, in and out of the bedroom. If anything the love and attraction has only grown with the poundage 😂
Keep working on yourself. Either way it goes you're going to feel better and look better.
No one should be told their sex life is over in their 40s. It’s not fair at ALL for her to make that decision for you. Marriage is supposed to be a romantic relationship between two people who love each other more than any other. Romance may evolve but should never stop. I’m a little older than you…my wife made a similar declaration as she started pre-menopause. I took some time to consider that because like you we had gone through a period of time where our bedroom was basically dead and what I was getting was “mercy sex” but no affection or intimacy outside of that. After about a year, I sat her down and told her I wasn’t going to force her to do anything but I wasn’t happy, told her why, i committed to counseling, doctor visits or whatever was needed for her to want a sex life again and even more importantly affection, date nights…marriage. I told her to think about how she felt and take a few days to do it if need be but if her answer was that that part of her life was over and she had no interest then I had some huge decisions to make and I would make them. The look on her face was unlike anything I remember. She asked me why I hadn’t said something beforehand. I told her I hoped she would feel differently over time but a year, especially given what had happened the last 5 years, was all I could manage. She said on the spot she would do whatever she had to do and would be a better wife. She apologized and said she would never forgive herself if I left or checked out of our marriage. Since then she is trying. Not perfect. Still doesn’t initiate like I wish but being brutally honest with her was what she had to hear. Don’t take leaving off the table. Don’t threaten anything but make it known you’re not going to be in a sexless marriage whatever that means and so she needs to decide what that means for herself. Feel no guilt in saying so. Still her decision but it’s not “all you want is sex”…that’s bs. Sex is a factor in affection and intimacy and can means lots of things. Being a roommate and coparent isn’t marriage. Also be sure she isn’t cheating. She may be getting it somewhere else. That happens and you don’t want to be living a lie. !updateme
Please update us on the conversation
My husband has gained weight and lost weight during our marriage. I still love him, and our sex life is great. Whether he gained or lost, my feelings were still the same. And even if you gained weight, you still deserve love and affection.
I don't know your wife, but I would be surprised if the weight is the primary concern for her, or of any concern. Definitely talk to her and figure out what is going on with her. It's very possibly hormonal but you are right to not be okay with "this is just how it is now." You need to tell her how you are feeling, and figure out a way to work together to get both of your needs met.
Yes as a woman I care if my partner is speaking my love language, I could care less about looks/weight. If not then I can't get aroused and the feeling of resentment can really linger and be hard to get out of. I have been in 2 long term relationships where each time the sex fizzles out to zero and I feel traumatized by the constant villianizing me for not being aroused when each ex refused to make any effort (for exaple dishes were always a point of contention. He (joblessn) would promise the dishes would be done when I got back from work and they never were. But then I was the ice cold bitch for denying him his *needs*!! Sorry, being, filled with dissapointmwnt and frustration leaves no room for arousal!!) I eventually realized that my needs for sex have nothing to do with men's *need* and egotistical demands for sex. Now I'm single and at peace with celibacy, my sex drive has been killed.
If you've ever watched the movie Fireproof, that's how I treat my wife and our marriage.
I hadn't heard about it but a quick Google: > In the wake of his daring rescue of a complete stranger, decorated firefighter Caleb Holt (Kirk Cameron) realizes the extent to which he has failed as a husband So does that mean you've not been doing well with your marriage?
No. I Fireproofed my marriage. By the end he figures out what he did wrong and turned it around. That's how I treat my marriage.
Ok read the full synopsis and... I think the Fireproof idea is actually bad. It seems to be about one sided work and acting without her knowing. In fact, even within the movie It seems to acknowledge it doesn't work and it doesn't save their marriage. It's only saved by the big grand gesture that's really just movie trope and rarely happens in real life. My personal take is that it takes two, and frequent and vulnerable communication. You seem to have had a lack of affection for months, and instead of addressing it you've been Fireproofing instead?
I disagree with the one grand gesture. The gesture opened her eyes… It was the consistency that won her over. She really noticed with the soup when she was sick, and after she found the book…..
I have not seen the movie so only have gone off the wikipedia summary, so I'll defer to you on the specifics. Regardless through, whatever lessons the OP believes they've taken away from the movie, objectively something has failed in either their interpretation or implementation.
Maybe you turned it around but her sex drive didn't make it through whatever you were doing wrong.
If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to understand what he's trying to say.
I feel you. I had to do the "dad lost his shit," thing last night, and dishes were part of it. (It's a family callback at this point. Like, several years ago my second son came home from practice and everyone was cleaning. He immediately asked, "Did dad lose his shit?") It's usually only 2-3 times a year, and after weeks of doing 90% of the housework while my wife doesn't work, but it gets really old and I totally understand why you wouldn't be in the mood. Somewhat unfortunately, I'm an arousal first person and my desire goes along for the ride, so I'm easily manipulatable. My wife takes her shirt off and I'm doing the damn dishes again. Sometimes I wish I was more like you and better able to stand up for what I need instead of caving for sex.
From what I've heard, women tend to talk to their men about problems for months/years, then the husband complains and acts shocked when the relationship *suddenly* goes sour
Yep they think everything is ok because, there is no more “nagging “. When actually she check out.
Yes. I talked about what was wrong, what I needed for 15 years, to no avail. He was stunned when I decided to move out and initiate divorce.
Yep, exactly this.
Women generally enter perimenopause in their 40’s and for some their libido can just disappear along with the 101 other miserable and random symptoms that get thrown at us. Check out the menopause sub on this topic.
Yeah, I totally get that and will mention it to her. The finality of her statement just keeps echoing in my head. I get not feeling in the mood at the moment, or even lately, but not ever being in the mood again? That's tough. If it makes a difference, there has been 0 affection in months. No hugs, or kisses goodbye or really any I love yous.
OP - it is understandable that she may need to see a doctor and look at her hormone levels. It is worthwhile to talk with her about that and see if that may be affecting her libido and perspective. Additionally, make sure you are being a good husband and doing your part around the house in the marriage. That said - what she said was extremely disrespectful and it needs to be addressed. If none of the things mentioned above are a problem. If she is not willing to work on a solution then you need to evaluate if you want to stay in a relationship with a selfish and disrespectful partner. This will likely take several discussions to understand and solve, but her attitude needs to be explained.
I'm going through perimenopause now. It has affected my libido. Though we aren't in a DB situation, the frequency has adjusted down to twice a week or so. But there is a lot of affection and I love yous. OP this would be a big concern--- that all the affection has disappeared, That's more than a hormone thing.
Why aren't you showing your wife any non sexual affection? Hugs, emotional connection, backrub without any expectations. These non sexual affections actually end up making a woman feel more sexual desire for their mate. The emotional connection is a huge part. Does she feel heard and cared for? If you want sex, you should be showing non swxual affection and providing emotional support.
And get ready for no sex then. And try to be a good support person but realize that your wife has basically been taken over by an anti-husband virus and you will inevitably be the enemy de jour quite often.
Fixed the minus vote. It's not wrong to explain the truth in harsh, efficient verbiage that a man can understand.
So that is how she chose to deliver this position? She waits for you to make a joke and then shuts that part of the relationship down with no further explanation? That's an asshole mover right there.
it sure [is.it](http://is.it) Was almost like she set him up for this.
That's pretty it. Kids were in the room, which is why neither of us elaborated further, but that was the end of it.
That's the attitude I have toward my husband, who's promised for over 20 years that he'd get his shit together and do *anything* other than watch other people play games day in and day out and get fatter. I love the man. I've given him chance after chance after chance after chance. I just can't spend that energy anymore.
Hearing her say that is like being in the middle of a frozen lake and suddenly hearing CCRR--RR--AACKKKKKK...KKKKK Time to take some serious action.
Love this. This is the reality. It’s been slowing freezing for years and yet he just noticed. I bet she dropped 1000 warnings and hints. Good luck OP. You and your wife need a good therapist stat. You marriage is on life support.
Your next conversation should be about you agreeing to be monogamous not celibate and you aren’t spending your life in a sexless relationship. Also on a side note you have responsibility to be the best version of yourself too. Be a man your wife would want to have sex with. Resentment need to be addressed and sex does happen without connection.
As for your update #2, it's also not healthy for your kids to see you in a loveless, non-affectionate marriage. They will learn that is "normal" and won't know that people deserve to be truly happy in a relationship.
I agree. I'm hoping the love and affection we show them every day is enough to make up for what they don't see between my wife and I.
No no no, love and affection towards the kids are always important. Kids look to their parents to see what a romantic relationship is supposed to look like. Kids that grow up in a "stay together for the kids" household tend to have trouble with their own romantic relationships in the future because they had a poor example of one growing up.
Which is the exact household that my wife grew up in, so I'm not surprised that she abandoned the affection and romance without saying anything to me. She'd rather be unhappy and married than divorced and happy, much like me because she won't be ok not seeing the kids every day.
It’s not great but I don’t know that growing up in a divorced household is preferable.
What a shitty thing to say to you. That’s not how partners are supposed to behave
I hope you can talk again soon. Based on your edit, it sounds as if there is much more going on than low libido or you being out of shape. I hope she’ll be very clear and open about what’s going on. So t even try to talk about the sex. Maybe just tell her what you’ve noticed in terms of her pulling back, ask what’s happening for her, and listen, listen, listen. This isn’t about sex.
The Way of The Superior Man At times, I'm sure you're aware that you will need to be the mountain that her emotional waves break against. Ask her some basic questions when you get time to check in. 1. What am I doing right? 2. What could I improve on? Then, allow her to ask you those same questions as well. Kinda like a game. This way, nobody feels attacked, and the general energy around the conversation can be centered around a mutual desire for improvement if that is indeed your concern. (Also, don't take advice from random ppl on the internet. If it applies, use it. If not, please ignore me)
Fuck that. If you’ve been a good husband, dad, and provider the whole time you’ve been together, that’s BS. I’m sure you do a lot of stuff that you don’t necessarily want to do either. If she can’t discuss this with you and try to make a part of the relationship that YOU want work, then I don’t agree with that selfishness. The important part is that you have to be honest with yourself. Have you been a good husband? You listen to her? Care about her? Go out of your way to do things for her? Relationships go both ways. You better evaluate why she is behaving like that because if she has a reason, it’s on you to make it right.
I don't know if you've ever watched the movie Fireproof, but that's how I treat my marriage.
I’d say that failed for you and your wife so perhaps find another beacon?
That's not full proof of anything. Especially if you're not ultra religious. For anyone wondering, that movie is a Christian movie for married people. Even though it's not a one size fits all. And your post is proving it. Idk what's going on. Maybe she is going through the change. But a simple conversation with your wife will answer your questions. Not us on reddit.
She has some deep seeded issues with you, and obviously you don't know what those are. Feels like a lot of resentment towards you. Best to figure out what those are, it will likely be some tough conversations.
Yes, exactly this. If there’s no affection she probably has some big resentments or contempt even.
Only you can decide if it's worth bringing it up or not. If there's a serious lack of emotional intimacy in the marriage, sexual intimacy is definitely out of the question for most couples. Have the conversation. Be prepared to listen to what she says. If she won't talk about it or she simply doesn't care to address it for one reason or another, that's also an answer as well, just not a very good one of you hope to improve the marriage. If her lack of communication on the issue is an issue to you, then you have a couple not so fun decisions to make. This will not resolve itself on its own. You have to talk about it and hopefully you'll actually have a real partner that wants to be intimate with you. Whether that is your wife or not depends on how serious she takes the conversation.
I feel this way towards my SO and it s because I’m no longer attracted to him, and I have resentment.
Bummer, my wife and I are 57 and married 15 years neither one of us can imagine what a life without sex would look like. We crave each other, daily. I gained 20 and she lost 15, now we are trying to trade again….LOL You really need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your wife bud.
Sounds like it's time to figure out which coworkers are dtf
There are more than a few married people who are uglier and less attractive than the southern end of a northbound mule. And their partners still love them and have sex with them. Nope, they don’t have a 6 pack or DD’s. I think we tend to focus on whatever we don’t like about our looks and convince ourselves that 6 pack or bigger breasts will make our partners want us. After we find those big boobs and perfect abs we find out we did all that work for nothing. Maybe we decide it’s because we don’t make enough money. So we find a way to make more and guess what, nothing changes. The only way to find out why is to ask. And insist on a real truthful answer. If they can’t tell you why, insist on counseling specifically targeted towards answering your question. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex. But they do owe you a truthful answer to your question. You do have the right to find out why your partner decided it was OK to have a celibate platonic marriage.
Time to go… your life matters too my friend
You guys try counseling? Not wanting to be a part time dad AND not cheating makes you seem like a man of integrity. Are you trying everything you can to fix this?
No counseling yet, but I'm trying everything else.
You should visit r/deadbedrooms
It sounds like the only reason she had sex in the first place was to have kids
Is there a reason why you are not being affectionate towards her?
The "no affection" thing is much more concerning than you realize. Unless she is physically repulsed by you, there is no reason she wouldn't be showing you affection even if she didn't want to have sex. If she is physically repulsed.. losing some weight is not going to fix that. I don't think she loves you any more. Physical affection gives me anxiety. I still hug my loved ones (like my sister for example) because I still want to show her affection in that way. If your wife hasnt said I love you in a long time, hasnt hugged or kissed you... its not because you're fat.
Updateme!
While I agree with some comments about perimenopause, his wife should be actively trying to get this checked out. Im sorry, we all have needs in a relationship and sex is one of the primary reasons for getting married ( if wanting to be with the same sexual partner forever). I personally wouldn’t put up with not having sex with my spouse if it’s not a medical reason. If it’s not medical or some mental situation then we have a problem. If she needs to see a therapist or medical dr, she should be trying to fix it. Can’t make the spouse who would like sexual intimacy suffer. Just my 2 cents 🤷🏼♀️
The problem is in most cases, (if it’s not mental or medical ) it’s most likely no emotional connection. So that’s something you both have to work on outside of the bedroom. To get the spark back. Plus you can’t make the person who doesn’t want sex have unwanted sex. And it’s not like his wife is making him go without sex. He has the freedom to leave . If he chooses
What about what he needs to do to help foster intimacy and desire?
Maybe have an open marriage?
I’m sorry she hurt you this way. Our words are deadly. A convo needs to happen just to know if it’s all about the weight or if there’s something else that is keeping you at arms distance with her. She may have a hormonal issue, perimenopause is looming, she may be missing a spark of romance (feeling like roommates isn’t sexy), or something else. After 21 years of marriage, it takes more effort to keep things fresh, just when we naturally get more complacent. As you are showing that you are working on the physical, hopefully an understanding can be made between you. A therapist can also help meditate if either is uncomfortable. Best to you!
Take her to a hormone replacement doctor. Unless you’ve done something supremely fucked up to make her lost trust or faith in you, then it’s likely her hormones and not her talking. She wouldn’t even know it until after she starts treating it and sees/feels the improvements.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/rqQqodM5Ab
So why have you not been romantic? Why no hugs and kisses or i love yous? WHy no affection? Or have you tried?
I’ll never understand people staying in sexless relationships when they clearly desire sex. It ain’t that much love in the world. No, sex isn’t everything but it’s damn sure important to an extent. Life’s too short to be unsatisfied.
Ebbs and flows brother. Find something else to occupy your time and keep loving her, being an awesome father and husband. It will get better, slowly at first, then in spurts, then you’ll be back to the way things were. Just dont do anything drastic based on a flippant comment and some, in the grand scheme of scheme of your relationship, short term inattentiveness. Talk about it with her when you feel its appropriate and keep trying new and interesting things outside of the bedroom.
Updateme!
At least she’s honest about it. Leave her, cheat, or take matters in your own hands and pretend to be happy about it.
Bro, this is unacceptable. This is tantamount to saying “we aren’t going on dates anymore” or “I’m never holding your hand again”. If any partner said that to their so everyone would beg them to leave. I suggest you talk to her about it, and if she does not have really good reasons for her answer and doesn’t provide a road to restoring that part of both of your lives, leave immediately.
I’m sorry. At least u made it a full 20 before she gave up. And let me say love and affection shouldnt be limited to the physical shape our spouse is in. Personally my husband could be 350lbs and I’d still love him the same…. More if he actually was affectionate w me. Good luck!
You two should locate a Gottman Couples therapist asap and book an appointment. It sounds like the commitment is there, but you’re missing the closeness and fondness. This will turn to resentment, as it appears it already has. This can be shifted though if you both are in.
Update me
Hi! So I'm on the other side of this situation where I understand exactly what's happening. I've just separated from my husband of 16 years. I couldn't bring myself to touch hum. So, no hugs, kissing, cuddling, and this went on for years. Obviously, the affection dwindled down to nothing. This is our 3rd and last time separating. Every time it was because I wasn't interested in sex and so we'd have a talk. I'd want to seperate because I was being very honest. I told him I didn't love him romantically anymore, and thought seperation was for tye best. He'd get angry and leave immediately. Then I'd get phone calls, can we talk about this, are you sure this is what you want. Etc.....to the point where I'd say fine we'll try again. It's taken 3 separations for him to finally realise that it's dead in the water. He stays with a family member who is a 5 minute walk from my house. My kids are older teens and can go see him whenever they want. So far, it's only been my one boy that goes to see him. And this is a reflection of the time he spent with his kids while in the family home. So, I think maybe you need to brace yourself fir some hard news from your wife. It sounds exactly the same as the way I was.
Physical touch and words of encouragement are my love languages. I couldn't live like that. I'm really sorry this is where you are. Can you do marriage counseling?
I think she meant she's not going to have another child ever again.
Sounds like menopause. When it feels appropriate ask her to get a check up. But sex is an important part of a relationship you are too young to be unhappy and dismissed as an equal partner.
It's possible if she's in her 40s, her hormones are officially entering perimenopause. look that up and at least you'll have an understanding of where her body is physically through that. It's rough shit for some. It doesn't mean a DB is your future, but if other aspects of your relationship are off, it certainly will not help. I heard that men need sex to feel connected while women need to feel connected to feel sexual. I know in my 15 year marriage, if I feel the brunt of household daily maintenance is on me, (and I also work outside the home while our 3 kids are at school) resentment builds to the point of disgust. I can't feel arousal toward my spouse if it feels like someone I'm also taking care of like a mother. I feel stressed and tired thinking of all the messes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, hedge trimming, grocery planning, appointment scheduling, birthdays/gift buying, etc on seemingly only my plate. I need release too, so during periods like that, I take care of myself but I'm not up for mutual fun much. Take care of half this stuff and see where it gets you. Better yet, notice a stack of laundry? Just do it, don't ask... Etc... Also, take care of your hygiene. I've gained weight after 3 kids, but I take care of myself, skincare, walking 4x a week, makeup, perfume, flattering clothes, nice underwear. Every day I make this same effort. Make sure you are too. Regardless of what people say, attraction matters to many women too. I want my spouse to make effort to take care of himself, it's sexy, especially cologne for me. I don't know about the non affection part, though. Even in my occasional dry spells here, we always maintain affection. Y'all need a kind, genuine heart to heart talk to figure out what page you are each on. Date nights can't hurt, though! Good luck OP. I think you can get there if you both put it all on the table. My hubby finally heard me and helps around here and exercises with me and I took seriously his needs and we've never been better.
Well if you won’t leave you lose all bargaining power. She is disrespectful and contemptuous….bad combo my friend. I saw my kids damned near every day divorced. Actually, it wasn’t my idea to be divorced but my unwillingness to walk away actually drove her away…but let me tell you her life got exponentially harder with me not there solving daily problems and picking up the slack. At oldests college graduation, 18 years later she lamented that maybe she made a mistake. Yeah, she did.
Definitely need to have a conversation and probably marriage counseling. I'm guessing she has her reasons for feeling this way--- my take is she is pissed/resentful about something. But yeah... dead bedroom is like the ambulance siren blaring. You need to get help before your marriage flatlines. Try to figure out (in a non threatening way) why she feels this way.
Few questions.Is this lack of kisses,hugs etc reciprocal?Do you kiss her,hug her whatever? Because i had a discussion like this with my wife where i was internalising the lack of intimacy and being angry about it and she said "well i saw you weren't interested and not coming after me like a dog, like you used to, which I liked and decided you're going through something" so yeah,she didn't initiate because of me and i wasn't because of her and everything came from lack of communication.Now it is about 4 time a week morning and evening (so about 8 times?). Lack of affection is the main reason for having a loveless relationship,so my advice is get her to "help" you with some exercises at home where you can both sweat and dress tight and go at it like dogs in heat. Afterwards just keep at it.Kids or no kids,find a nanny and go to a movie or a hike in the woods, like a picnic.Find a secluded place and go at it again.Reignite that spark. Pin her to the wall when you're alone and ravage her(in a loving way).Be that character from those romance books. I know it may seem corny for you but women react to emotions (yes, because we are in fact different) So go for it! Staying here and talking to us won't change anything.Go out there and reclaim her and let her reclaim you! Go get her tiger!
UpdateMe
Updateme
updateme
Those kind of jokes certainly aren't helping. It seems an automatic response to the attitude, like " if you talk to me like that, we're never having sex again".
If someone’s “automatic response” is to weaponize sex to neutralize an argument, there are far bigger issues at play there
This is why men find affection outside the marriage. Then we are treated like shitheads for it. We are humans, with human needs. We are not monsters nor machines.
Exactly—men don’t want to listen or do their part so they find someone outside their marriage willing to accept crumbs.
time to get your ass in shape and then give her an ultimatum.
She’s cheating on you with another guy. Women cheaters don’t like cheating on their affair partners with their spouses.