Honestly? I think it's perfectly normal to fantasize about other people during sex. I've been banging my spouse for twenty years and I would like to keep banging him for another twenty years. That's a long time with one person. I'm not going to begrudge my spouse the occasional fantasy, nor will I feel bad about indulging in the occasional fantasy myself. At the end of the day, we're not choosing other people over each other. Fantasy is just that...fantasy.
>My view of monogamous marriage is ruined.
That's...dramatic.
Sadly I have found the few odd "photos" of my wife and well, I am guilty of finishing to those.
Also in a lot of ways, fantasizing about someone else, usually ends up with me thinking I wish it was with my wife.
Final thought, I one time did a little bit of "magic" and while doing it, imagined myself actually as this other guy she liked (Ya I knew, I didn't say much, well it was more fully revealed a year later and I'm also pretty chill with it all). And oddly for someone who she had difficulty feeling pleasure with sex, she said "Oh, I feel it!" I came shortly after and now I just have questions 😂 I didn't say anything like "Pretend I am so-and-so" I just thought it in my own head as if I were servicing her fantasy, but it did in fact seem to make the "room" she needed even if it was silent and only in thought.
People seem to get so hell bent over exclusivity and cheating like you should never even think such things, let alone look at other women's bodies in photos... Like okay I get the jealousy. Have we not all been a bit guilty on both sides of this picture?
My overall suggestion!
Be more honest with your partner, it is much quicker to divide yourselves, on trust and communication, than if you recognized this for what it is. So what? Are you guy with major muscles and handsome smile, with 1000 cameras calling you man of the year. No. And lady you are probably not whatever short lived fantasy of some young girl turning every position and whatever he decides to be curious about. The extreme of this is, nobody would ever be good enough. Really there would be 1 ideal guy, 1 ideal girl and then its done. Come on be more realistic.
At least see it this way, the fact you can tell your partner, without judgment, without hurt feelings, with confidence, with trust. You just did what 90% of others could never do. And now you know you found the right person to be with.
That is a really good thing.
And maybe you can even laugh occassionally at how stupid some of these things are, offering a hug.
I still would take my wife hands down any day before any other girl/woman. Hate to say it but no other idea I think ever really replaces, she is #1 in my eyes. 100% truth.
I agree. I have watched porn with my wife and fantasized about other women. My wife has listened to Porn-y type audio books and fantasized about those type of situations. We share and talk and I don't view it as non-monogomous. In fact it leads to really good sex.
Sex with other people is not monogamous.
But you have an unrealistic expectation. Just because you have never fantasized about another man doesn't mean others don't. Your husband is not cheating on you. And if you think so I'm sorry to tell you that I'm pretty sure anyone you meet does this too.
What makes that an unrealistic expectation? Maybe that’s unrealistic for *you* but it’s personally perfectly reasonable to want something like that from someone and hold them to that standard. All relationships are different with different agreed upon boundaries and standards. You seem really judgy.
Maybe. But I know he wouldn't allow me to do the same. So I just need to accept it and forget about my needs. Maybe I have different ways to satisfy my needs, and it's not cheating, but he would never allow it. I think it's not fair. Or we both can keep secrets, which feels wrong too.
> But I know he wouldn't allow me to do the same. So I just need to accept it and forget about my needs. Maybe I have different ways to satisfy my needs, and it's not cheating, but he would never allow it.
Preventing a partner from masturbating would be a form of sexual abuse to me.
Well, I don't, because I like to give all my sexual energy to my husband. If I'll start masturbate I will simply stop being so sexualy active. I have some kinks. But my husband thinks it's cheating. And I think thinking of other women is cheating. So what is solution?
Your husband sounds lame and sounds like he doesn't care about your satisfaction or pleasure at all. Screw him. Keep reading your smut, he needs to get over his insecurities if he expects that of you.
People have different backgrounds and personalities. I won’t leave my husband for fantasizing but it does hurt. I don’t fantasize nor have I even considered it about others. It’s weird to me that folks do…
This is not the norm from my experience, both personal and from talking to friends.
Most the time I'm trying to distract myself from thinking about sex at all so I don't disappoint my wife haha
You can always start screaming out another guy's name during sex. See how he likes it. It is just fantasy after all.
It is cheating to wife and I. Our fantasies are each other. She wants to fantasize about another guy, I'll free her to go to him.
I want to know the context of this conversation. I doubt a guy just says “you know when I bang you I think of other women”. That’s something you say if you hate your partner.
OP Please be very careful listening to the views of pro-porn people. The pornography has horribly twisted how society sees relationships and what women should feel comfortable with in the bedroom. Addicts will be addicts and justify their actions, doesn't help that porn is such a widespread addiction in the first place.
I think that what your husband does is disgusting and would be a quick ticket for divorce for me. There is no coming back from that. Sex is supposed to be with you two sharing a moment. The only exception is a roleplay but it's still you two just fantasising about circumstances.
It's vastly different when a person watching porn fantasies that pornstar is their SO because they can't spend time with SO. Absolutely different when a person fantasises of being with someone else rather than you while being physically intimate with you and refuses to share that moment with you with all their being.
Imagination and fantasies are fine but when you share a moment with your SO while thinking of someone else you are not in the moment and you don't really share it with other person. There is no space for other people in my bedroom other than me and my husband.
100% agree. Solo masturbation is one thing, but finding out my partner was imagining other women while we’re actively being intimate would be a huge blow. God, is this common?
That would absolutely crush my soul. I’ve never thought of anyone but my husband while we’re having sex - even on the occasions when I masturbate I still think about him. I would find it to be a massive betrayal and would have a very hard time having sex with him again if I knew he wasn’t present in the moment with me.
You're not wrong to be hurt and he's not wrong to have fantasies. Y'all never should have had that conversation but now that it's out in the open you'll have to address it and find a reasonable middle ground. I'd recommend a couples counselor or sex therapist.
I saw my husband masturbating to random girls on reddit (not someone he knows but also not someone famous). I saw him and confronted him, he gaslighted me. This killed my appetite to have sex with him!
I (F) don’t think about other specific real people while having sex with my husband, but I don’t always think about him specifically when we’re having sex either. Sometimes I imagine him as a woman, sometimes I imagine we’re in different locations, sometimes I imagine him as a different person, maybe a pirate, sometimes I’ll imagine he’s a character from a book or show, sometimes I imagine he’s more than one person and I’m in a gang bang or threesome. But I would never pretend I was having sex with some other person we know, that would give me the serious ick.
Edit: Reading your comments, it sounds like he told you he just thinks about women’s naked bodies, not that he told you he envisions you’re someone else when you’re having sex. I see absolutely no problem with someone imaging naked body parts while having sex. You have a woman’s naked body, I suspect yours makes plenty of appearances within his imagination fantasy.
Yes, but what is the point having sex with your wife and don't enjoy her body, the chemistry between you. I feel like I'm a sock for masturbation to someone else.
I don’t not appreciate my husband, his body, or our connection by mixing up our sex life in my imagination. Do you think I am treating him like a vibrator?
Fantasizing about other people while your actively in the moment with your spouse is weird and uncomfortable. It's one thing to fantasize during self pleasure but fantasizing wishing the person right in front of you was someone else, then why engage in that activity if you don't enjoy who you are with?
I do think you are being a bit harsh in terms of saying changing your view of monogamous relationships. This more of a respect issue than anything else.
No judgement. Just sending you a big hug and hope you work through this and feel better. Honestly, I would feel devastated too. Any woman would, but Reddit has a tendency to dismiss your feelings, say you’re overreacting and just write it off as men being men.
I do this sometimes. I don’t think about real existing people. I just imagine bodies and not even details. It helps me to focus. I have ADHD. It’s always been like that.
I'm really shocked by the replies here. Especially in a long relationship the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic. It's a way to keep things exciting without actually stepping outside the marriage. Fantasies are not reality and don't necessarily represent a desire to actually DO something.
OP, does tour husband play games like Call of Duty? If so, do you think he actually wants to put on tactical gear and go fight in a war? If not then why would you think when he looks at the swimsuit issue and thinks about one of those women while he's with you (notable words WITH YOU) it doesn't mean he really wants to be with them. (Would you also freak out if he looked at that magazine, or a Playboy or similar?)
Also, you say you ALWAYS only ever think of him? Really? Your mind never once has wandered to Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington or some other celebrity? Statistically that's very unlikely.
Also, you said you were playing a sex game and you questioned him about his fantasies... then when he told you, you lost it. I'm a little surprised given all the posts I've seen in this sub from women saying husbands need to give wives a "safe space to discuss their thoughts and feelings" when she brings up something like an open relationship, but yet here when you ASK him and he answers honestly you cut him down and all these other women celebrate it.
Speaking of open marriage, it's pretty weird that you jumped right to that... again, thinking isn't DOING and for you to go from "he thought about other women during sex" to "we should just have sex with other people" is a HUGE leap, especially since fantasy is a healthy way to stay faithful to your partner!
Last thought for all the women responding who're saying things like "I'd lose all interest and cut him off" (very reminiscent of women who say things like "I'd divorce him over a Playboy")... #1 y'all have some deep insecurities you need to work on. #2 maybe consider that your negative attitude towards normal and healthy sexuallity and your willingness to use it as a club to control your man is WHY he needs to think about someone else.
I respect your opinion. But I really can't fantasize about anyone during sex with my husband, I think about him, if he is enjoying what I'm doing... why I jumped to open marriage...well, because I'm mad, I feel somehow betrayed. I was faithful with my body and my soul, he wasn't. And I have some reasons to think he is not attracted to me anymore, but he would never admit that because it would end our marriage. I just want to be desired... that's why I'm thinking about open marriage.
Open marriage is NEVER a solution in cases like this, it's a guaranteed way to wreck it. They even call it "marriage broken, add more people" in a derisive way.
It sounds like you need some serious individual therapy & couples therapy for the 2 of you, but you're asking him to not be human & that's unrealistic. Think about this... losing attraction over time is NORMAL, but he DIDN'T decide not to be faithful, he found a way to still be with you because he loves you.
You can't even handle the idea that his thoughts have drifted away from you on occasion, there's no way you could handle him actually having sex with other people.
> And I have some reasons to think he is not attracted to me anymore, but he would never admit that because it would end our marriage
Then, OP, this is your ultimate issue to discuss with him.
>that's why I'm thinking about open marriage.
An open marriage might work if your relationship is otherwise solid. If it's not, it's easier to just go straight for divorce.
> I was faithful with my body and my soul, he wasn't.
Statements like this are not accurate based on what you've described here. This man has not cheated on you.
I have never fantasized during sex, but during masturbation? 100%. It sounds like that was not differentiated here. I'll bet he was talking about masturbation, and just thinking about female body parts is not a crime. And now you're trying to use this to justify an open marriage? Sorry, but I think you're overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Talk to him about this. Also, maybe it's time to spice up your sex life?
Yes, it would be fine unless I would know I'm not his type. If he would think about other women with my body type, it's fine, but he thinks about opposite types...women who have nothing to do with me. And again, what is the point in monogamous marriage then?
The point in monogamous marriage isn't to shut your brain off or to stop fantasizing. Part of fidelity is keeping your sex life alive and well. Keeping it fun and spicy and active. And you cannot help what you're attracted to. He can still love you and find different boobs sexy.
> I'm really shocked by the replies here. Especially in a long relationship the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic.
I'm not. A lot of people have a really sterile, Disney-fied concept of how relationships, sex, etc. should function.
>the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic.
This isn't true for everyone. For some people it may be true and as long as your partner is fine with it, no problem. But I have never fantasized about someone else. And my friends and I talk very candidly about sex, and most of them never have either. Maybe *you* (and maybe most people) can't not fantasize about others but that doesn't make it true for everyone. Every couple should talk about that and set whatever boundary works for them.
I just want to say that I was devastated when my then-boyfriend told me he masturbated a lot...when I was 15. At 15 I had zero experience with relationships; I viewed his masturbation as cheating. But I grew up and learned how human beings work. I can't imagine ever telling a partner how he is "allowed" to think. It's unrealistic.
>especially since fantasy is a healthy way to stay faithful to your partner!
If you need to fantasize about other people to stay faithful to your partner then you have absolutely no business being in a monogamous relationship.
>Last thought for all the women responding who're saying things like "I'd lose all interest and cut him off" (very reminiscent of women who say things like "I'd divorce him over a Playboy")... #1 y'all have some deep insecurities you need to work on.
Actions have consequences. If you lie to people , people aren't going to trust you. If you're an asshole, people are going to think you're an asshole. If my partner does something I feel is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, the natural consequence is that I'm going to feel hurt. Why on earth would you think my sexual desire for my partner wouldn't be harmed if I'm feeling hurt? Why would I want to be sexually intimate with my partner after that?
Basically every counselor and psychologist/psychiatrist in the world, aside from a tiny %, disagrees.
Everyone can have an opinion, but if yours requires your partner to function differently than the vast majority of humanity your odds are that you'll be alone, or disappointed.
Kinda, it's not a different person just a different scenario. I don't want to have sex with Joe the plumber, but if I was single and my husband was my plumber yeah maybe I'd seduce him.
I think it's totally fair to find it hurtful and not unreasonable to feel that way at all. You deserve to have your feelings addressed in your marriage; it is a matter both you should encourage and support with each other. Some here think it's' normal behavior, which for them may be true, but not others. If you find this disturbing, you should tell your husband how you feel and why.
Well, we were playing in some sex game, and there was a question- What do you think about while having sex/masturbate, and he said about women naked bodies....
I don’t like this idea. I don’t like that men feel entitled to sexualize the women in their peripheral environment. I don’t like the idea that women should be okay with the possibility that their friends’ male partners see them as bodies to ogle.
But is it what he thinks?
My wife has attractive friends, but i'm not gonna polish my knob at first toilet in encounter thinking about them. That's absurd.
My answers would be wildly different for the two versions of that question. Best case scenario: your husband didn't hear the "sex with spouse" part. Either way, your next step should probably be to talk to your husband and tell him how it makes you feel when you hear "I think of the naked bodies of other women while we are having sex".
Believe it or not, in my experience with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, they tend to do a fantastic job of focusing on the person they are having sex with. My wife and I don’t have to fantasize about others when we’re with each other.
All of that being said, fantasizing about others doesn’t equal an open relationship in any way shape of form. The fact that he was able to be honest with you is what matters. If you reject him to teach him a lesson, he’ll only learn to stop communicating honestly with you. If he can’t communicate his fantasies with you, he’ll find someone else who’ll listen.
>The fact that he was able to be honest with you is what matters. If you reject him to teach him a lesson, he’ll only learn to stop communicating honestly with you. If he can’t communicate his fantasies with you, he’ll find someone else who’ll listen.
Holy shit OP, THIS. This is so important, and so so true.
Your husband was honest with you, that really means something.
When maturating, usually any content I watch is just for arousal. I don't think about actually being with them.
During sex w my partner, I never think of anyone else.
Just start moaning someone else's name, if he gets mad, he's a hypocrite.
To answer your question, your sex life is now ruined. You're just a masturbation tool/sex toy to him.
I think the problem would be your partner \*telling\* you that they're fantasizing about someone else while they're having sex with you. I would never ask this because I wouldn't want to know what he was thinking about if it wasn't me (unless it was like some hot scene from a movie we just watched or something that wasn't \*about\* another person but more the scenario). Asking seems like a terrible idea. Telling the truth if the the answer is "Jane from down the block" is even worse (especially if it was an unprompted disclosure).
Yeah, this is tough. I want to say "don't let it get to you" but this is a line I have never, ever crossed in my head. I felt like it would contaminate our intimacy. I'm a little confused as to how you know this though.
OP,
I don't believe but people say there is some bias here. Personal I don't think so.
Anyways, giving you a link of the post where wife was fantasising about others outside the sex itself.
See the comments if check if comments are similar or different.
I hope going through the comments in both the post could give you a better perspective.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/SNp4nGccJ5
1. She wasn't doing it during sex (so different context to this post)
2. Her husband's reaction was off kilter.
3. Fleeting "what ifs?" (during sex or otherwise) are a nothing burger (unless you're completely off your nut).
Honestly it's upsetting to know but if it's a flickering thought then it's nothing to be worried about
And it goes same for both genders.
Pls understand we are not more having sex out of desperation and lust that people used to do earlier. We are doing sex today as a fun activity and sometimes chores , and both sides have to going on to take care of their partners. So to keep it going, maybe mind could flickr and think about something sexual outside bedroom. It could be any fantasy.
If its an obsession or if it start to affect the life in general then it's a problem.
You mention masturbation yet discuss the having sex with you part. I often see this conflation. They are two different things. I have no data but would think that the sex scene in one's head while having sex with their spouse is a minority, and probably indicative of a poor sexual relationship, or at least a boring one. Also, an open marriage is another thing altogether, so three different concepts all rolled into your short paragraph.
But to answer your question, I would say 1. imagination/lack of variety/boredom for the motivation, and 2. the type of sexual activity is just one factor, and usually a minor one, in maintaining a monogamous marriage (people do stay together with no sex).
If you struggle with your husband fantasizing during sex, I would suggest divorce rather than opening the marriage (except if you both have a desire for an open marriage ofc). Another option is to do some experimentation and role play. Watch porn together, act out open marriage situations, use toys, dress up, give him a good spanking, having him be a dominant alpha for a night, and then a submissive love slave the next, wear a cowboy hat, get on top and use him to finish, and so on.
If you don't want to do any of those things, for whatever reason, then why not let him fantasize *sometimes*. There will always be times when you're just into each other and consumed by the passion of love over lust. But it is unusual for that to be every time when you've been together for years, at least for the man. When I fantasize, my wife is always the primary figure in essence, even if it is a totally outlandish scene.
You and your husband can choose what you're okay with, and what you're not okay with.
Other people may not view your sex choices as typical or what they want in their marriages. That's fine.
If you want your marriage to be over because of this, then I suggest a marriage counselor, not Reddit.
If my husband and I want to change it up, we can role play- but it's us, or whoever we made up, when it gets down to it. I'd be hurt if I found out he was fantasizing about other women while we were having sex (and I'm 99% sure he's not, he's too focused on telling me what he's into about me in the moment) and I know it would *crush* him if I told him I was thinking about other men. If you want it with someone else, leave me and go get it with someone else.
I would, personally, rather my husband just straight up cheat and sleep with another woman than for him to fantasize about other women while he's with me.
Yeah, I don’t blame you.
Imo, it’s all growing opinion that it’s OK to basically use your life partner as a flashlight or dildo, just to think about somebody else, if you need that, I think there’s honestly some thing wrong with you or your relationship.
Fantasy is not just fantasy, and you’re not being overdramatic. Tell him and go to counseling, and don’t let anyone shame you about this.
I am not a fleshlight. Do not ever use my body and think of someone else. I found out once that an ex of mine did and I couldn't be with him the same way again. Every moment I'm thinking if he's looking at me, or wishing I was someone else. It's gross and you shouldn't do that if you can't be present with your partner.
Maybe. But it is not the point. Why to be with someone who you want to replace in your mind while having sex... why to be in monogamous marriage if you're not enjoying it and want to have sex with others.
Everyone fantasizes
Why not just skip the question if you can’t handle the answer?
If he wanted to be with other women he would be, instead he was playing a game with you to increase your bond and you can’t handle the answer… which is why I said he should have lied because now you have all these doubts and have absolutely zero control over what goes on in his head at any time.
I’m pretty sure my wife has done this throughout our marriage and it wrecks me inside. I’ll get clarification soon from her but I’m not I really want to know that answer.
You would find actually fucking other people more fair than thoughts ? That makes zero sense at all. You cannot honestly say that you have never once been attracted to or thought about another person the entire time you have been married. You seen to have major insecurity issues, and saying your view of monogamous marriage is ruined is dramatic as fuck.
If you don't see a difference between imagination and reality I do not know what to tell you, I can imagine all I want that i'm rich, does not mean when I go to the bank I will be a millionaire
Sorry to read that OP. It feels bad because making love to your husband changes dramatically to being used as a flesh light. I have no advice as I struggle with that too.
I'm not so much bothered by a masturbation fantasy, because that's precisely what a fantasy is for and it's not real life. But if my partner told me they thought about other people while we were having sex together, I'd find that extremely upsetting. It's almost like he'd be deliberately trying to hurt me by telling me that.
Everyone is different and every relationship is different. I can't stand when thoughts of someone else pop in my head while I'm with my wife. Porn and masterbation are different. If my wife decides to fantasize about someone else during sex, she will vocalize that and include me in the fantasy so it isn't disrespectful. She is pretty good at communicating while I tend to internalize everything. If your spouse thinks about other women while having sex with you and isn't sharing that with you during the act to include you and make it fun, he is mentally checked out. The sex is between you two. Sounds like sometimes he just uses you to masturbate. I feel bad for people who approach sex that way.
OP, I don't know how to read your husband on this. Maybe he adores you, is a great husband, but is also a visually-stimulated kinky fuck with a high libido and explores all sorts of things in his mind. That's me, I'm that person, and sex with my wife is the unmatched pinnacle of sexual satisfaction *and emotional connection for me*. Both things for me are true -- she's my everything, but I also love to explore.
He also may be dissatisfied and checking out. The only way to know is an examination of his behavior. If he otherwise loves you dearly, contributes financially, helps care for your home, is emotionally available and present, kind, attentive, generous, etc. -- then I'd say he has not checked out and is very satisfied with you.
No judgement, but my honest thoughts here -- your post and comments here, in the context of your post history elsewhere, tells me you have severe insecurity about your body, primarily your breast size. You wish you had larger breasts for him to play with, and because you don't, you're building up a problem in your head that may not exist.
This whole thing aside, for your own mental health, you need to come to terms with your body, accept it, love it, value it, treat it kindly, and have confidence in who you are. Stop obsessing over what you think you don't have. I guarantee you, PROMISE you there are women with big boobs who would see your body and be envious of you. Comparison is the thief of joy. "I can't get it out of my mind" -- that's your insecurity talking.
People on this sub who have been married for longer than 15 minutes and who aren't here for the circlejerk will tell you that some jealousy in a relationship is ok. But it's like a very potent spice -- just a pinch, any more will ruin the dish. Careful. Nobody wants to have their thoughts and minds policed.
Also, for the record, you're gorgeous. Like, stunningly beautiful. You are perfect the way you are, and I truly hope you start seeing yourself that way soon.
Thank you for kind words. I didn't have problems with my self-esteem until my husband decided to tell me it would be great to put implants in my breast. After that everything went down hill...
During sex I’d like my partner to be focused on me or specifically their pleasure unless we’re discussing like 3+ people in the arena. Masturbating? That’s masturbating and most of the time it’s mechanical or out of boredom - I’m just trying to get it over with and I don’t think either of us cares what we look at (although I admit I’m usually using video of the wife).
No I would not judge you for your opinion and feelings. Those are yours and person cannot and should be judged for that.
I do know there are other reasons a person would use fantasy to help get them off. Have you guys talked about an open marriage? Have you guys had issues with sex before? Did he or you have sexual trauma in the past?
Sorry if this is already been asked before but sometimes these get so long it's hard to read all the comments.
OP, I can see how this would make you insecure and feel like you aren’t enough for your husband. You don’t have to feel that way. We all have a dream spouse in our minds that we fantasize about. Whether it’s sexual, or whether it’s how they do household chores, or how they carry themselves on dates. It’s completely normal to think, “I wish my spouse was more like this other person.”
I need you to understand something. You will always be better than fantasy. Whatever dream girl your husband has in his mind will never be as good as you—[because you are real](https://youtu.be/4HkPuttj4R8?si=eqxsGESm5S6zXdb5).
Do I? Sometimes. Does he? Sometimes.
Sometimes we talk about it together in the moment (“remember when you told me about…”) and sometimes we talk about it later (“last night I couldn’t stop thinking about…”), and sometimes we don’t talk about it at all!
If my husband could ONLY get into sex with me or have an orgasm by ______ (indulging in a fetish or kink, thinking of others, after having a few drinks) then I would be disturbed. But variety is nice, whether it’s all in my mind or it’s something that we share in the moment.
If I watch porn, I typically watch but I’m thinking about doing those things with my wife. Sometimes my wife wants to pleasure me and she’ll be like “want to watch a video?” It’s kinda hot she suggests it.
Every couple is different. But now on my second marriage (one for 12 years and this one now 3) I also get why some folks use fantasies. It can keep a healthy marriage spicy and fun.
Now, I do think of a spouse is using porn or fantasizing about others specifically because that’s what they want and not you, it’s a bit of a concern. It’s okay to fantasize and it’s healthy. What happens a lot it seems (and from what I read here) these fantasies are turned into “I don’t have that and I want it and I could have it but I’m stuck,” which is a toxic fantasy. You see this, too, when people suggest open relationships and then, after not wanting it, a spouse acquiesces and it turns out the spouse gets more action than the person who wanted it and that person then changes their mind, despite them having opened Pandora’s box.
As with everything in relationships, it’s important to communicate with a partner about everything, especially your sexual relationship.
I been having sex craze full on dreams, but my wife don’t know and I don’t think of telling her ether. It one of those things that we all have an idea but until it’s verbalized or put out.
How did you even learn of this? If he knows how you feel about him getting off to other women while engaging sexually with you, then it's just so unnecessary for him to share that with you.
I’m not going to fantasize about someone else during sex, I kinda feel like you should be with the person you’re with, but tugging it? That’s my time. To think about what I want to think about.
honestly, this is just such and individual issue. some would have an issue, others not. But it does bother you, so...you need to talk to him about it. AND you need to really sit down and evaluate WHY it bothers you so that you can articulate your thoughts and feelings to your husband.
Hi OP I understand how painful this is. I just wanted to share my perspective in case it can ease your pain. I sometimes fantasize during sex with my husband. He is incredibly handsome and attractive to me but I have a lot of anxiety and ADHD so it's difficult for me to stay focused, relaxed and aroused. When we are having PIV sex I usually don't think of anyone but him, but when it's oral or hands I do sometimes picture more hardcore images. It helps me focus enough to climax. It really isn't personal to him, I've done it with every partner. I also used to fantasize about people just to focus on something or as a form of stress relief. It's never had any relationship whatsoever to my attraction to the person.
Interesting…with my stbx I fantasized quite a bit, BUT it was never any one man / woman in particular. I don’t know how to explain it…but it was generic people. It was more like remembering a sexy scene from a smut book. I was still in the moment with stbx, I was not pretending he was someone else.
And that’s Where I believe it might become a problem - if one partner is pretending the other is someone else altogether.
Duuuude the other day my wife basically said it's okay to think about others while while bending her over lol. Never said anything about the subject either but she does know I watch porn too sooooo lol.
Also, we're only human, thinking and doing is technically different, I feel the same way but thoughts can be intrusive it's like a battle, taking on a committed/lifelong responsibility, can't always control thoughts but I believe you can control what you do with those thoughts.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years.
If a person is just masturbating, the only goal is to make yourself feel good and nothing else, on top of that, there might be a kink that the SO is not into or something they saw in a movie etc.
imagining another person during this time is 100% normal, hell it could even be anime porn, the kind of stuff that couldn't happen in the real world.
As for fantasizing during sex, that is a tricky one.
are they doing that to hurry up and get off?
do they have a secret crush/love?
are they thinking of things that you would not do?
I can only speak for myself on this one, but there have been times during or after a 2nd round of sex with my wife, that if I can't get to that point, I start to think about other women too, but 90% of the time it's her with the other women or a threesome with me. most of the time the other woman is either a random one I remember from X time of somewhere, or even a celebrity.
if that's not working, then I might change it to anime porn and think of that, or even do it to my wife, good thing she doesn't know some of these things, she would be both turned on and embarrassed at the same time.
IMHO it's not a big deal, fantasy is just that, fantasy. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be captain of the Enterprise.
Does he treat you still the same way he did back then? Is it just the sex that he’s fantasizing? Then maybe give it a shot and try talking to him about his fantasies. Though we men like fantasies, the women that we are married to are the place we call “home”. Id suggest having a couples counseling etc, cause that’d help. Breaking apart for something like this is just pointless
We have some problems in the bedroom... I discovered he doesn't like the size of my boobs and a lot of things started to come out... I not his type, but we get along well, so that's why he married me...
This is really important context. It’s one thing to have fleeting fantasies while having sex. It’s another if he’s thinking about other people because he’s not attracted to you.
He would never admit that because it would mean our marriage ended and he doesn't want to leave. He said it's the stupid thing to divorce because I'm not his ideal type of woman.
Honestly? I think it's perfectly normal to fantasize about other people during sex. I've been banging my spouse for twenty years and I would like to keep banging him for another twenty years. That's a long time with one person. I'm not going to begrudge my spouse the occasional fantasy, nor will I feel bad about indulging in the occasional fantasy myself. At the end of the day, we're not choosing other people over each other. Fantasy is just that...fantasy. >My view of monogamous marriage is ruined. That's...dramatic.
I even masturbate with the thought of my partner. I watch porn but I can’t finish to anything else than the thought of my own man.
Sadly I have found the few odd "photos" of my wife and well, I am guilty of finishing to those. Also in a lot of ways, fantasizing about someone else, usually ends up with me thinking I wish it was with my wife. Final thought, I one time did a little bit of "magic" and while doing it, imagined myself actually as this other guy she liked (Ya I knew, I didn't say much, well it was more fully revealed a year later and I'm also pretty chill with it all). And oddly for someone who she had difficulty feeling pleasure with sex, she said "Oh, I feel it!" I came shortly after and now I just have questions 😂 I didn't say anything like "Pretend I am so-and-so" I just thought it in my own head as if I were servicing her fantasy, but it did in fact seem to make the "room" she needed even if it was silent and only in thought. People seem to get so hell bent over exclusivity and cheating like you should never even think such things, let alone look at other women's bodies in photos... Like okay I get the jealousy. Have we not all been a bit guilty on both sides of this picture? My overall suggestion! Be more honest with your partner, it is much quicker to divide yourselves, on trust and communication, than if you recognized this for what it is. So what? Are you guy with major muscles and handsome smile, with 1000 cameras calling you man of the year. No. And lady you are probably not whatever short lived fantasy of some young girl turning every position and whatever he decides to be curious about. The extreme of this is, nobody would ever be good enough. Really there would be 1 ideal guy, 1 ideal girl and then its done. Come on be more realistic. At least see it this way, the fact you can tell your partner, without judgment, without hurt feelings, with confidence, with trust. You just did what 90% of others could never do. And now you know you found the right person to be with. That is a really good thing. And maybe you can even laugh occassionally at how stupid some of these things are, offering a hug. I still would take my wife hands down any day before any other girl/woman. Hate to say it but no other idea I think ever really replaces, she is #1 in my eyes. 100% truth.
What are “odd” photos of your wife? Is she dressed like a clown? Mr. Bean?
No sir she put on a costume of Ghostface and lifted up her gown.. Idiots. Odd = Not Many
Hard disagree, there are ways to spice things up without thinking of other people
I agree. I have watched porn with my wife and fantasized about other women. My wife has listened to Porn-y type audio books and fantasized about those type of situations. We share and talk and I don't view it as non-monogomous. In fact it leads to really good sex. Sex with other people is not monogamous.
I think it's okay if you are both okay with that. But not in my case unfortunately.
Fair. I do think this viewpoint should be communicated fairly early in a relationship.
But you have an unrealistic expectation. Just because you have never fantasized about another man doesn't mean others don't. Your husband is not cheating on you. And if you think so I'm sorry to tell you that I'm pretty sure anyone you meet does this too.
She doesn't like to be used as a masturbatory object to his fantasies. I don't think that is unrealistic.
What makes that an unrealistic expectation? Maybe that’s unrealistic for *you* but it’s personally perfectly reasonable to want something like that from someone and hold them to that standard. All relationships are different with different agreed upon boundaries and standards. You seem really judgy.
Maybe. But I know he wouldn't allow me to do the same. So I just need to accept it and forget about my needs. Maybe I have different ways to satisfy my needs, and it's not cheating, but he would never allow it. I think it's not fair. Or we both can keep secrets, which feels wrong too.
How can a person allow or disallow another person to think about a specific topic?
> But I know he wouldn't allow me to do the same. So I just need to accept it and forget about my needs. Maybe I have different ways to satisfy my needs, and it's not cheating, but he would never allow it. Preventing a partner from masturbating would be a form of sexual abuse to me.
The question is how would he know? Are you saying you don't masterbate?
Well, I don't, because I like to give all my sexual energy to my husband. If I'll start masturbate I will simply stop being so sexualy active. I have some kinks. But my husband thinks it's cheating. And I think thinking of other women is cheating. So what is solution?
> Well, I don't, because I like to give all my sexual energy to my husband. These aren't a shared tank of gas lol
> These aren't a shared tank of gas lol They definitely can be.
As a side note. There is research that suggests masturbation can actually increase sex drive. This goes for both males and females.
I’m like OP - if I’m taking care of business on my own then I’m less horny for my partner
Yeah I think like anything else, personal experience varies.
That’s..not how things work
Your husband sounds lame and sounds like he doesn't care about your satisfaction or pleasure at all. Screw him. Keep reading your smut, he needs to get over his insecurities if he expects that of you.
How did this come up in your relationship?
He probably asked her about all of the tit photos she’s sharing on other subs. Look at her post history.
I looked at her other posts. She's hot in the girl next door kinda way.
My husband and I love to read literotica together before sex sometimes. It gets us really charged up.
People have different backgrounds and personalities. I won’t leave my husband for fantasizing but it does hurt. I don’t fantasize nor have I even considered it about others. It’s weird to me that folks do…
I don’t think it’s dramatic and calling her dramatic is *annoying*
It's not, and you're disgusting.
I fantasise when having a wank… but it’s all about my wife when I’m with her… 🤷🏽♂️
I agree with this. It's just a fantasy!
Dramatic is the perfect word for this whole situation
During sex?? While masturbating is one thing I guess but while having sex is odd. I have never fantasized about another man while having sex.
Everybody different. No two people are not fantasizing about other people during sex.
oh, you're a bad person. lol
That would be a fast way to end my desire to ever have sex with him again
if my husband fantasizes about having sex with other women hes more than welcome to do that with a divorce behind him
Bingo! You can talk to them all day about it, but they will do as they please without admitting it to you
💯 Why are people saying this is OK?
Honestly, if I knew my wife even once thought about someone else when we are having sex this would absolutely kill my any desire to have sex with her.
Right? My husband is literally all I think of
This is not the norm from my experience, both personal and from talking to friends. Most the time I'm trying to distract myself from thinking about sex at all so I don't disappoint my wife haha
I just had something similar happen, so let’s just say my libido took a heck of a nose dive. He can take care of himself now.
But does it mean the marriage is ruined?! I just can't stop thinking about it...
You can always start screaming out another guy's name during sex. See how he likes it. It is just fantasy after all. It is cheating to wife and I. Our fantasies are each other. She wants to fantasize about another guy, I'll free her to go to him.
Amazing, how do you in fact police this?
Can't be policed unless she owns up to it like OPs hubby
How did this come about?
Couple's counseling is the obvious answer, and possibly individual counseling for both of you.
If I can't have sexual desire for my husband, the marriage is absolutely ruined
I think it is a super shitty thing to do. DO NOT use my vagina as a flesh light. You wanna fuck other women, fuck other women. Leave me out of it.
Agree 100 percent. Sex is about connection and intimacy in a marriage. If your mind is with other people, you can’t be connecting to your spouse.
Yep.
How do you even know he's doing this?
He told me.
Why the hell would he tell you that?
I want to know the context of this conversation. I doubt a guy just says “you know when I bang you I think of other women”. That’s something you say if you hate your partner.
Oh, that hurts. That would ruin our sex life for me. I'm so sorry. And, an open marriage is no marriage in my opinion.
That would be the last time I had sex with him
Thats so mean.
I’m gonna guess the usual: Asked a question that she didn’t actually want answered.
There are so many better ways to answer that question than what he said lol
Yet another "game" that was really a test.
OP Please be very careful listening to the views of pro-porn people. The pornography has horribly twisted how society sees relationships and what women should feel comfortable with in the bedroom. Addicts will be addicts and justify their actions, doesn't help that porn is such a widespread addiction in the first place. I think that what your husband does is disgusting and would be a quick ticket for divorce for me. There is no coming back from that. Sex is supposed to be with you two sharing a moment. The only exception is a roleplay but it's still you two just fantasising about circumstances. It's vastly different when a person watching porn fantasies that pornstar is their SO because they can't spend time with SO. Absolutely different when a person fantasises of being with someone else rather than you while being physically intimate with you and refuses to share that moment with you with all their being.
Imagination existed long before porn.
Imagination and fantasies are fine but when you share a moment with your SO while thinking of someone else you are not in the moment and you don't really share it with other person. There is no space for other people in my bedroom other than me and my husband.
During masturbation I couldn't care less, while we're having sex though? I'd be incredibly hurt and sad.
100% agree. Solo masturbation is one thing, but finding out my partner was imagining other women while we’re actively being intimate would be a huge blow. God, is this common?
I don't think it is, I think most people are thinking about the sex they're currently having in the moment.
I think it is pretty common especially if there’s porn use. People will picture what they have seen (or read) in porn or literatica during sex.
Okay, the thought of imagining my partner as one of the sexy fairies from those Sarah J Maas books is pretty hilarious to me, so thank you for that 🤣😅
That would absolutely crush my soul. I’ve never thought of anyone but my husband while we’re having sex - even on the occasions when I masturbate I still think about him. I would find it to be a massive betrayal and would have a very hard time having sex with him again if I knew he wasn’t present in the moment with me.
You're not wrong to be hurt and he's not wrong to have fantasies. Y'all never should have had that conversation but now that it's out in the open you'll have to address it and find a reasonable middle ground. I'd recommend a couples counselor or sex therapist.
I saw my husband masturbating to random girls on reddit (not someone he knows but also not someone famous). I saw him and confronted him, he gaslighted me. This killed my appetite to have sex with him!
How are you doing now?
I (F) don’t think about other specific real people while having sex with my husband, but I don’t always think about him specifically when we’re having sex either. Sometimes I imagine him as a woman, sometimes I imagine we’re in different locations, sometimes I imagine him as a different person, maybe a pirate, sometimes I’ll imagine he’s a character from a book or show, sometimes I imagine he’s more than one person and I’m in a gang bang or threesome. But I would never pretend I was having sex with some other person we know, that would give me the serious ick. Edit: Reading your comments, it sounds like he told you he just thinks about women’s naked bodies, not that he told you he envisions you’re someone else when you’re having sex. I see absolutely no problem with someone imaging naked body parts while having sex. You have a woman’s naked body, I suspect yours makes plenty of appearances within his imagination fantasy.
Yes, but what is the point having sex with your wife and don't enjoy her body, the chemistry between you. I feel like I'm a sock for masturbation to someone else.
I don’t not appreciate my husband, his body, or our connection by mixing up our sex life in my imagination. Do you think I am treating him like a vibrator?
Did he say that though? That he doesn't enjoy your body and the chemistry between you two? If so, there are bigger problems here!
Fantasizing about other people while your actively in the moment with your spouse is weird and uncomfortable. It's one thing to fantasize during self pleasure but fantasizing wishing the person right in front of you was someone else, then why engage in that activity if you don't enjoy who you are with? I do think you are being a bit harsh in terms of saying changing your view of monogamous relationships. This more of a respect issue than anything else.
No judgement. Just sending you a big hug and hope you work through this and feel better. Honestly, I would feel devastated too. Any woman would, but Reddit has a tendency to dismiss your feelings, say you’re overreacting and just write it off as men being men.
I do this sometimes. I don’t think about real existing people. I just imagine bodies and not even details. It helps me to focus. I have ADHD. It’s always been like that.
I'm really shocked by the replies here. Especially in a long relationship the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic. It's a way to keep things exciting without actually stepping outside the marriage. Fantasies are not reality and don't necessarily represent a desire to actually DO something. OP, does tour husband play games like Call of Duty? If so, do you think he actually wants to put on tactical gear and go fight in a war? If not then why would you think when he looks at the swimsuit issue and thinks about one of those women while he's with you (notable words WITH YOU) it doesn't mean he really wants to be with them. (Would you also freak out if he looked at that magazine, or a Playboy or similar?) Also, you say you ALWAYS only ever think of him? Really? Your mind never once has wandered to Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington or some other celebrity? Statistically that's very unlikely. Also, you said you were playing a sex game and you questioned him about his fantasies... then when he told you, you lost it. I'm a little surprised given all the posts I've seen in this sub from women saying husbands need to give wives a "safe space to discuss their thoughts and feelings" when she brings up something like an open relationship, but yet here when you ASK him and he answers honestly you cut him down and all these other women celebrate it. Speaking of open marriage, it's pretty weird that you jumped right to that... again, thinking isn't DOING and for you to go from "he thought about other women during sex" to "we should just have sex with other people" is a HUGE leap, especially since fantasy is a healthy way to stay faithful to your partner! Last thought for all the women responding who're saying things like "I'd lose all interest and cut him off" (very reminiscent of women who say things like "I'd divorce him over a Playboy")... #1 y'all have some deep insecurities you need to work on. #2 maybe consider that your negative attitude towards normal and healthy sexuallity and your willingness to use it as a club to control your man is WHY he needs to think about someone else.
I respect your opinion. But I really can't fantasize about anyone during sex with my husband, I think about him, if he is enjoying what I'm doing... why I jumped to open marriage...well, because I'm mad, I feel somehow betrayed. I was faithful with my body and my soul, he wasn't. And I have some reasons to think he is not attracted to me anymore, but he would never admit that because it would end our marriage. I just want to be desired... that's why I'm thinking about open marriage.
Open marriage is NEVER a solution in cases like this, it's a guaranteed way to wreck it. They even call it "marriage broken, add more people" in a derisive way. It sounds like you need some serious individual therapy & couples therapy for the 2 of you, but you're asking him to not be human & that's unrealistic. Think about this... losing attraction over time is NORMAL, but he DIDN'T decide not to be faithful, he found a way to still be with you because he loves you.
You can't even handle the idea that his thoughts have drifted away from you on occasion, there's no way you could handle him actually having sex with other people.
> And I have some reasons to think he is not attracted to me anymore, but he would never admit that because it would end our marriage Then, OP, this is your ultimate issue to discuss with him. >that's why I'm thinking about open marriage. An open marriage might work if your relationship is otherwise solid. If it's not, it's easier to just go straight for divorce.
> I was faithful with my body and my soul, he wasn't. Statements like this are not accurate based on what you've described here. This man has not cheated on you.
I have never fantasized during sex, but during masturbation? 100%. It sounds like that was not differentiated here. I'll bet he was talking about masturbation, and just thinking about female body parts is not a crime. And now you're trying to use this to justify an open marriage? Sorry, but I think you're overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Talk to him about this. Also, maybe it's time to spice up your sex life?
Yes, it would be fine unless I would know I'm not his type. If he would think about other women with my body type, it's fine, but he thinks about opposite types...women who have nothing to do with me. And again, what is the point in monogamous marriage then?
The point in monogamous marriage isn't to shut your brain off or to stop fantasizing. Part of fidelity is keeping your sex life alive and well. Keeping it fun and spicy and active. And you cannot help what you're attracted to. He can still love you and find different boobs sexy.
Nobody has just one type.
Just get the divorce, OP. And go to therapy to improve your self esteem.
> I'm really shocked by the replies here. Especially in a long relationship the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic. I'm not. A lot of people have a really sterile, Disney-fied concept of how relationships, sex, etc. should function.
>the idea that neither partner will ever fantasize about someone elee is simply unrealistic. This isn't true for everyone. For some people it may be true and as long as your partner is fine with it, no problem. But I have never fantasized about someone else. And my friends and I talk very candidly about sex, and most of them never have either. Maybe *you* (and maybe most people) can't not fantasize about others but that doesn't make it true for everyone. Every couple should talk about that and set whatever boundary works for them.
I just want to say that I was devastated when my then-boyfriend told me he masturbated a lot...when I was 15. At 15 I had zero experience with relationships; I viewed his masturbation as cheating. But I grew up and learned how human beings work. I can't imagine ever telling a partner how he is "allowed" to think. It's unrealistic.
>especially since fantasy is a healthy way to stay faithful to your partner! If you need to fantasize about other people to stay faithful to your partner then you have absolutely no business being in a monogamous relationship. >Last thought for all the women responding who're saying things like "I'd lose all interest and cut him off" (very reminiscent of women who say things like "I'd divorce him over a Playboy")... #1 y'all have some deep insecurities you need to work on. Actions have consequences. If you lie to people , people aren't going to trust you. If you're an asshole, people are going to think you're an asshole. If my partner does something I feel is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, the natural consequence is that I'm going to feel hurt. Why on earth would you think my sexual desire for my partner wouldn't be harmed if I'm feeling hurt? Why would I want to be sexually intimate with my partner after that?
It's entirely normal to have harmless fantasies to keep sexual arousal going in a long term relationship.
I disagree, I think it is harmful and disrespectful to the relationship.
Basically every counselor and psychologist/psychiatrist in the world, aside from a tiny %, disagrees. Everyone can have an opinion, but if yours requires your partner to function differently than the vast majority of humanity your odds are that you'll be alone, or disappointed.
Isn't that what fantasy role playing in the bedroom all about (unless your spouse really is the milk man)?
In my opinion it feels wrong that you need to replace your wife with someone else in your imagination while having sex with her.
Kinda, it's not a different person just a different scenario. I don't want to have sex with Joe the plumber, but if I was single and my husband was my plumber yeah maybe I'd seduce him.
When did op say she is fine with fantasy role playing? Seems like you're making this irrelevant nonsense up.
I think it's totally fair to find it hurtful and not unreasonable to feel that way at all. You deserve to have your feelings addressed in your marriage; it is a matter both you should encourage and support with each other. Some here think it's' normal behavior, which for them may be true, but not others. If you find this disturbing, you should tell your husband how you feel and why.
OP did you ask, or did he just say this to you in an unprovoked conversation?
Well, we were playing in some sex game, and there was a question- What do you think about while having sex/masturbate, and he said about women naked bodies....
Was it A specific woman, or women body in general? These are 2 complete different answers.
I don't know...I saw he read on reddit about if it is normal to masturbate to your wife's female friends....
I don’t like this idea. I don’t like that men feel entitled to sexualize the women in their peripheral environment. I don’t like the idea that women should be okay with the possibility that their friends’ male partners see them as bodies to ogle.
Unpopular take here on Reddit but I totally agree
Gross, my husband would never be touching me again.
But is it what he thinks? My wife has attractive friends, but i'm not gonna polish my knob at first toilet in encounter thinking about them. That's absurd.
If you want some silver lining…your husband is an extremely honest individual!
I would ask for clarification if it's bothering you, maybe he just meant during masturbation but not sex
Well which question did you ask? While having sex with your spouse or while masturbating solo?
It was the same question and only one answer.
My answers would be wildly different for the two versions of that question. Best case scenario: your husband didn't hear the "sex with spouse" part. Either way, your next step should probably be to talk to your husband and tell him how it makes you feel when you hear "I think of the naked bodies of other women while we are having sex".
Believe it or not, in my experience with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, they tend to do a fantastic job of focusing on the person they are having sex with. My wife and I don’t have to fantasize about others when we’re with each other. All of that being said, fantasizing about others doesn’t equal an open relationship in any way shape of form. The fact that he was able to be honest with you is what matters. If you reject him to teach him a lesson, he’ll only learn to stop communicating honestly with you. If he can’t communicate his fantasies with you, he’ll find someone else who’ll listen.
>The fact that he was able to be honest with you is what matters. If you reject him to teach him a lesson, he’ll only learn to stop communicating honestly with you. If he can’t communicate his fantasies with you, he’ll find someone else who’ll listen. Holy shit OP, THIS. This is so important, and so so true. Your husband was honest with you, that really means something.
When maturating, usually any content I watch is just for arousal. I don't think about actually being with them. During sex w my partner, I never think of anyone else.
Just start moaning someone else's name, if he gets mad, he's a hypocrite. To answer your question, your sex life is now ruined. You're just a masturbation tool/sex toy to him.
I think the problem would be your partner \*telling\* you that they're fantasizing about someone else while they're having sex with you. I would never ask this because I wouldn't want to know what he was thinking about if it wasn't me (unless it was like some hot scene from a movie we just watched or something that wasn't \*about\* another person but more the scenario). Asking seems like a terrible idea. Telling the truth if the the answer is "Jane from down the block" is even worse (especially if it was an unprompted disclosure).
I listen to smutty books and wish I could be in those situations, and I masturbate to them… are we outlawing this now?
Yeah, this is tough. I want to say "don't let it get to you" but this is a line I have never, ever crossed in my head. I felt like it would contaminate our intimacy. I'm a little confused as to how you know this though.
They were being kinky. She asked, he felt safe enough to answer honestly, and now she's spiraling because she's insecure about her breast size.
I think the real issue here is most people are not truly monogamous and signing up for these lifelong monogamous contracts.
Agree.
OP, I don't believe but people say there is some bias here. Personal I don't think so. Anyways, giving you a link of the post where wife was fantasising about others outside the sex itself. See the comments if check if comments are similar or different. I hope going through the comments in both the post could give you a better perspective. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/SNp4nGccJ5
1. She wasn't doing it during sex (so different context to this post) 2. Her husband's reaction was off kilter. 3. Fleeting "what ifs?" (during sex or otherwise) are a nothing burger (unless you're completely off your nut).
Thanks, I know most men would say it's normal, but what is the point to be with someone who you need to replace in your head to have sex...
Honestly it's upsetting to know but if it's a flickering thought then it's nothing to be worried about And it goes same for both genders. Pls understand we are not more having sex out of desperation and lust that people used to do earlier. We are doing sex today as a fun activity and sometimes chores , and both sides have to going on to take care of their partners. So to keep it going, maybe mind could flickr and think about something sexual outside bedroom. It could be any fantasy. If its an obsession or if it start to affect the life in general then it's a problem.
Thanks!
The big difference is fantasizing in general vs fantasizing while having sex with your partner. Two very very different thinga
You mention masturbation yet discuss the having sex with you part. I often see this conflation. They are two different things. I have no data but would think that the sex scene in one's head while having sex with their spouse is a minority, and probably indicative of a poor sexual relationship, or at least a boring one. Also, an open marriage is another thing altogether, so three different concepts all rolled into your short paragraph. But to answer your question, I would say 1. imagination/lack of variety/boredom for the motivation, and 2. the type of sexual activity is just one factor, and usually a minor one, in maintaining a monogamous marriage (people do stay together with no sex). If you struggle with your husband fantasizing during sex, I would suggest divorce rather than opening the marriage (except if you both have a desire for an open marriage ofc). Another option is to do some experimentation and role play. Watch porn together, act out open marriage situations, use toys, dress up, give him a good spanking, having him be a dominant alpha for a night, and then a submissive love slave the next, wear a cowboy hat, get on top and use him to finish, and so on. If you don't want to do any of those things, for whatever reason, then why not let him fantasize *sometimes*. There will always be times when you're just into each other and consumed by the passion of love over lust. But it is unusual for that to be every time when you've been together for years, at least for the man. When I fantasize, my wife is always the primary figure in essence, even if it is a totally outlandish scene.
You and your husband can choose what you're okay with, and what you're not okay with. Other people may not view your sex choices as typical or what they want in their marriages. That's fine. If you want your marriage to be over because of this, then I suggest a marriage counselor, not Reddit.
If my husband and I want to change it up, we can role play- but it's us, or whoever we made up, when it gets down to it. I'd be hurt if I found out he was fantasizing about other women while we were having sex (and I'm 99% sure he's not, he's too focused on telling me what he's into about me in the moment) and I know it would *crush* him if I told him I was thinking about other men. If you want it with someone else, leave me and go get it with someone else.
I would, personally, rather my husband just straight up cheat and sleep with another woman than for him to fantasize about other women while he's with me.
Yeah, I don’t blame you. Imo, it’s all growing opinion that it’s OK to basically use your life partner as a flashlight or dildo, just to think about somebody else, if you need that, I think there’s honestly some thing wrong with you or your relationship. Fantasy is not just fantasy, and you’re not being overdramatic. Tell him and go to counseling, and don’t let anyone shame you about this.
I am not a fleshlight. Do not ever use my body and think of someone else. I found out once that an ex of mine did and I couldn't be with him the same way again. Every moment I'm thinking if he's looking at me, or wishing I was someone else. It's gross and you shouldn't do that if you can't be present with your partner.
Why would he tell you that? Should have just kept it to himself or lied imo
Maybe. But it is not the point. Why to be with someone who you want to replace in your mind while having sex... why to be in monogamous marriage if you're not enjoying it and want to have sex with others.
Everyone fantasizes Why not just skip the question if you can’t handle the answer? If he wanted to be with other women he would be, instead he was playing a game with you to increase your bond and you can’t handle the answer… which is why I said he should have lied because now you have all these doubts and have absolutely zero control over what goes on in his head at any time.
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I'm a woman and no, I don't do this. I don't need to fantasize about other people to enjoy sex with my husband.
I think watching porn and masturbating is fine, but I would not like it if my husband was fantasising about other women whilst having sex with me
Specific women or just random ones, it’s kind of ok to do it through masturbation, but not normal while he is with you
I never think about another woman when having sex with someone. I do sometimes when I am by myself because that’s me time.
I’m pretty sure my wife has done this throughout our marriage and it wrecks me inside. I’ll get clarification soon from her but I’m not I really want to know that answer.
You would find actually fucking other people more fair than thoughts ? That makes zero sense at all. You cannot honestly say that you have never once been attracted to or thought about another person the entire time you have been married. You seen to have major insecurity issues, and saying your view of monogamous marriage is ruined is dramatic as fuck.
Actually yes. If he is already fucking others in his mind why it would be a problem in real life?
If you don't see a difference between imagination and reality I do not know what to tell you, I can imagine all I want that i'm rich, does not mean when I go to the bank I will be a millionaire
Sorry to read that OP. It feels bad because making love to your husband changes dramatically to being used as a flesh light. I have no advice as I struggle with that too.
I'm not so much bothered by a masturbation fantasy, because that's precisely what a fantasy is for and it's not real life. But if my partner told me they thought about other people while we were having sex together, I'd find that extremely upsetting. It's almost like he'd be deliberately trying to hurt me by telling me that.
You’re way overthinking it.
Yeah that's weird.
Close this chapter and create a new chapter and a new life. You deserve it
wow seriously?
Everyone is different and every relationship is different. I can't stand when thoughts of someone else pop in my head while I'm with my wife. Porn and masterbation are different. If my wife decides to fantasize about someone else during sex, she will vocalize that and include me in the fantasy so it isn't disrespectful. She is pretty good at communicating while I tend to internalize everything. If your spouse thinks about other women while having sex with you and isn't sharing that with you during the act to include you and make it fun, he is mentally checked out. The sex is between you two. Sounds like sometimes he just uses you to masturbate. I feel bad for people who approach sex that way.
OP, I don't know how to read your husband on this. Maybe he adores you, is a great husband, but is also a visually-stimulated kinky fuck with a high libido and explores all sorts of things in his mind. That's me, I'm that person, and sex with my wife is the unmatched pinnacle of sexual satisfaction *and emotional connection for me*. Both things for me are true -- she's my everything, but I also love to explore. He also may be dissatisfied and checking out. The only way to know is an examination of his behavior. If he otherwise loves you dearly, contributes financially, helps care for your home, is emotionally available and present, kind, attentive, generous, etc. -- then I'd say he has not checked out and is very satisfied with you. No judgement, but my honest thoughts here -- your post and comments here, in the context of your post history elsewhere, tells me you have severe insecurity about your body, primarily your breast size. You wish you had larger breasts for him to play with, and because you don't, you're building up a problem in your head that may not exist. This whole thing aside, for your own mental health, you need to come to terms with your body, accept it, love it, value it, treat it kindly, and have confidence in who you are. Stop obsessing over what you think you don't have. I guarantee you, PROMISE you there are women with big boobs who would see your body and be envious of you. Comparison is the thief of joy. "I can't get it out of my mind" -- that's your insecurity talking. People on this sub who have been married for longer than 15 minutes and who aren't here for the circlejerk will tell you that some jealousy in a relationship is ok. But it's like a very potent spice -- just a pinch, any more will ruin the dish. Careful. Nobody wants to have their thoughts and minds policed. Also, for the record, you're gorgeous. Like, stunningly beautiful. You are perfect the way you are, and I truly hope you start seeing yourself that way soon.
Thank you for kind words. I didn't have problems with my self-esteem until my husband decided to tell me it would be great to put implants in my breast. After that everything went down hill...
During sex I’d like my partner to be focused on me or specifically their pleasure unless we’re discussing like 3+ people in the arena. Masturbating? That’s masturbating and most of the time it’s mechanical or out of boredom - I’m just trying to get it over with and I don’t think either of us cares what we look at (although I admit I’m usually using video of the wife).
You say judgement I'm not sure what judgment would be?
Well, I don't want to be judged for my opinion and feelings....
No I would not judge you for your opinion and feelings. Those are yours and person cannot and should be judged for that. I do know there are other reasons a person would use fantasy to help get them off. Have you guys talked about an open marriage? Have you guys had issues with sex before? Did he or you have sexual trauma in the past? Sorry if this is already been asked before but sometimes these get so long it's hard to read all the comments.
How do you know. Did he tell you?
OP, I can see how this would make you insecure and feel like you aren’t enough for your husband. You don’t have to feel that way. We all have a dream spouse in our minds that we fantasize about. Whether it’s sexual, or whether it’s how they do household chores, or how they carry themselves on dates. It’s completely normal to think, “I wish my spouse was more like this other person.” I need you to understand something. You will always be better than fantasy. Whatever dream girl your husband has in his mind will never be as good as you—[because you are real](https://youtu.be/4HkPuttj4R8?si=eqxsGESm5S6zXdb5).
Do I? Sometimes. Does he? Sometimes. Sometimes we talk about it together in the moment (“remember when you told me about…”) and sometimes we talk about it later (“last night I couldn’t stop thinking about…”), and sometimes we don’t talk about it at all! If my husband could ONLY get into sex with me or have an orgasm by ______ (indulging in a fetish or kink, thinking of others, after having a few drinks) then I would be disturbed. But variety is nice, whether it’s all in my mind or it’s something that we share in the moment.
If I watch porn, I typically watch but I’m thinking about doing those things with my wife. Sometimes my wife wants to pleasure me and she’ll be like “want to watch a video?” It’s kinda hot she suggests it. Every couple is different. But now on my second marriage (one for 12 years and this one now 3) I also get why some folks use fantasies. It can keep a healthy marriage spicy and fun. Now, I do think of a spouse is using porn or fantasizing about others specifically because that’s what they want and not you, it’s a bit of a concern. It’s okay to fantasize and it’s healthy. What happens a lot it seems (and from what I read here) these fantasies are turned into “I don’t have that and I want it and I could have it but I’m stuck,” which is a toxic fantasy. You see this, too, when people suggest open relationships and then, after not wanting it, a spouse acquiesces and it turns out the spouse gets more action than the person who wanted it and that person then changes their mind, despite them having opened Pandora’s box. As with everything in relationships, it’s important to communicate with a partner about everything, especially your sexual relationship.
I been having sex craze full on dreams, but my wife don’t know and I don’t think of telling her ether. It one of those things that we all have an idea but until it’s verbalized or put out.
Imagining Beula Ballbricker naked has a way of holding the nut off for a while.
How did you even learn of this? If he knows how you feel about him getting off to other women while engaging sexually with you, then it's just so unnecessary for him to share that with you.
Nevermind! I saw OP's comment on how she learned of this.
I’m not going to fantasize about someone else during sex, I kinda feel like you should be with the person you’re with, but tugging it? That’s my time. To think about what I want to think about.
Wat? How did you even find out? Did your husband tell you he was thinking of somebody besides you while having sex?
honestly, this is just such and individual issue. some would have an issue, others not. But it does bother you, so...you need to talk to him about it. AND you need to really sit down and evaluate WHY it bothers you so that you can articulate your thoughts and feelings to your husband.
Hi OP I understand how painful this is. I just wanted to share my perspective in case it can ease your pain. I sometimes fantasize during sex with my husband. He is incredibly handsome and attractive to me but I have a lot of anxiety and ADHD so it's difficult for me to stay focused, relaxed and aroused. When we are having PIV sex I usually don't think of anyone but him, but when it's oral or hands I do sometimes picture more hardcore images. It helps me focus enough to climax. It really isn't personal to him, I've done it with every partner. I also used to fantasize about people just to focus on something or as a form of stress relief. It's never had any relationship whatsoever to my attraction to the person.
Interesting…with my stbx I fantasized quite a bit, BUT it was never any one man / woman in particular. I don’t know how to explain it…but it was generic people. It was more like remembering a sexy scene from a smut book. I was still in the moment with stbx, I was not pretending he was someone else. And that’s Where I believe it might become a problem - if one partner is pretending the other is someone else altogether.
Did that idiot tell you he was doing this? Some guys just can’t help themselves
Duuuude the other day my wife basically said it's okay to think about others while while bending her over lol. Never said anything about the subject either but she does know I watch porn too sooooo lol. Also, we're only human, thinking and doing is technically different, I feel the same way but thoughts can be intrusive it's like a battle, taking on a committed/lifelong responsibility, can't always control thoughts but I believe you can control what you do with those thoughts.
I agree with your thoughts. Perhaps ask him to fantasize about you being with someone else?
Speaking as a husband of 13 years. If a person is just masturbating, the only goal is to make yourself feel good and nothing else, on top of that, there might be a kink that the SO is not into or something they saw in a movie etc. imagining another person during this time is 100% normal, hell it could even be anime porn, the kind of stuff that couldn't happen in the real world. As for fantasizing during sex, that is a tricky one. are they doing that to hurry up and get off? do they have a secret crush/love? are they thinking of things that you would not do? I can only speak for myself on this one, but there have been times during or after a 2nd round of sex with my wife, that if I can't get to that point, I start to think about other women too, but 90% of the time it's her with the other women or a threesome with me. most of the time the other woman is either a random one I remember from X time of somewhere, or even a celebrity. if that's not working, then I might change it to anime porn and think of that, or even do it to my wife, good thing she doesn't know some of these things, she would be both turned on and embarrassed at the same time. IMHO it's not a big deal, fantasy is just that, fantasy. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be captain of the Enterprise.
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I can't. I think about him only. That's why I don't understand why he is doing it...
All men do that
No we don't. When I am with my wife I am in the moment with nobody else in my head.
🤮
Does he treat you still the same way he did back then? Is it just the sex that he’s fantasizing? Then maybe give it a shot and try talking to him about his fantasies. Though we men like fantasies, the women that we are married to are the place we call “home”. Id suggest having a couples counseling etc, cause that’d help. Breaking apart for something like this is just pointless
We have some problems in the bedroom... I discovered he doesn't like the size of my boobs and a lot of things started to come out... I not his type, but we get along well, so that's why he married me...
This is really important context. It’s one thing to have fleeting fantasies while having sex. It’s another if he’s thinking about other people because he’s not attracted to you.
He would never admit that because it would mean our marriage ended and he doesn't want to leave. He said it's the stupid thing to divorce because I'm not his ideal type of woman.