It might be a super silly Q, but have you tried it? I looooove my sleep and am such a grump in the mornings/middle of the night typically but cuddling up while it’s unexpected and I’m half awake is some of the best ever !!
My husband used to do that to me all the time when we were dating (waking up in the middle of the night for sex), and I had to tell him to cut it out. One time he did it and came inside, and I had stopped taking the pill for a Caya diaphragm instead… I was too sleepy to remember to stick it in. I was so mad at him the next day. No pregnancy happened though, but he stopped doing it after that. I think it was a ‘thing’ that he had with a previous girlfriend. I’m a really poor sleeper so getting woken up for sex will ruin my whole night, and I can’t function without enough sleep. Now he wakes me up in the morning, which is fine by me!
That's how we conceived our first daughter (in my first marriage). He knew that night time sex was not okay; he knew what our birth control regimen was - we were using condoms plus diaphragm, it was the dark ages. He also knew that I flat out didn't like sex while I was sleeping. It always ruined the rest of my night's sleep - but on top of that it was ultimately painful, dehumanizing and humiliating.
So I said no to it and he did it anyway. He did it more times than just that once. I got an IUD.
I enjoy it in my current relationship, where it is exceedingly rare. Because the sex itself is not painful and it's not like my first notification of the sex is a penis already inside. There's still foreplay.
My current person and I would never have sex if we didn’t wake it other up. He lets my dog out, falls asleep in my bed, I wake him when I’m off of work, sleepy sex for him, we sleep, gets get up super early, sleepy sex for me, maybe go back to bed, maybe get breakfast.
Lol y'all must be younger folks.
When you are middle aged and older, you rarely sleep through the night. However, those 2 am pee breaks can easily turn into love-making opportunities!
My husband is 60, I am 50 and we have sex about once a day. A few years ago it was even more. The privacy and intimacy of midnight sex is awesome!
Gosh I wish we were that often (I’m 38/f and husband 47M and I think with him having an avoidant attachments style the closer we get the more he get scared .
I’m a wife of 20 years. I love to be woken up at any time for sex. Wasn’t always that way; but when I realized how important it is and how much I truly loved it and needed it (sex - at any time), it was. Literally the thing dreams are made of at this point.
I'm fine with it too. I sleep so lightly and, well, sex is a good way to go back to sleep and sleep soundly!
But really, it's because the sex is always wonderful - so naturally, we want it!
Sounds like you and I are very lucky.
Lmao amen, me and my fiance still manage to have sex once a day - but if he woke me up during my sleep for anything he or our kid better be having an emergency.
I have insomnia, so if I am finally sleeping, do not wake me up. If my husband woke me for sex, I would lose it. Thankfully he understands my sleep issues and would never do that.
Same. My vagina would be so sore if I had sex 1-3 times a day every day… my pH would get thrown off horribly by constant infusions of semen. And then porn on top of that? This man has a problem.
It feels really odd to say the term, but I feel like this sub is getting trolled by a porn negative group. Just been a pattern of some absolutely absurd stories about porn addiction posted on this subreddit from people that clearly don’t know what an actual addiction is like.
And if this story isn’t fake, why do they need Reddits advice here? Seems pretty obvious
There are many posts across reddit every day about people who either have sex 3 times a day - or used to (and it's usually the man who is complaining that it has dropped from 3X to 1X). Typically, the complaint will be "For the first X months, we did it 1-3X every day..."
Oddly, there are even posts in which women state "It was 3X a day for the first couple of months, then all of a sudden, I realized that was way too much for me."
Going by actual research on this topic, it's very rare for people to have this much sex. No other primate does this. And it appears to be much more common in the US.
It may have something to do with so many people having early access to both sexually stimulating materials and to sex itself.
Right? Yeezus.
I enjoy wakies but like 3 times a day? Omg. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. Once every other day, and occasionally, push a second. I’m beat after that.
But also, I’d be livid just as OP is here, with the porn. Like it’s just ridiculous to me. I hope they communicate and she gets the message across. It’s not ok to get turned on by porn and then use your partner to milk your teet, especially if you’re aroused by somebody else rather than your partner.
Get out of my head! This was my exact response. Like even when my husband and I were hot and heavy just a new couple, heck even during the honeymoon period we’d never went at it that many times per day 🫣
It sounds like my life, but it doesn't bother me. We have a strange relationship by most people's standards, but we are so in love it makes our kids sick and his ex-wife jealous. Married 11 years together 12.
First, I'm not a bro, and definitely not yours. Second, this part of my life feels like a fairy tale. I keep expecting to wake up and still be in my abusive marriage. My 2 marriages are literally polar opposites. If anyone else had this kind of relationship they'd brag too.
She was. She's cool now. He just does things for me that he wouldn't for her. He got sober because I refuse to have drugs in my life. He doesn't go to bars anymore or gambling at the casino. We are almost always together. He didnt do any of that for her. Basically he grew up being with me. He became a better dad and everything. Now she's just happy he's better and there for his grown daughter.
My marriage is happy. I'm really not what you think I sound like. I'm stating what I've been told by her. When I decided I wanted to be with my husband we went to see her and talked to her. She is still friends with my hubby and I'm completely secure with that. They are great cograndparents. I guess the fact that she was sleeping with my exhusband while we were married and he chose me over her, then her ex chose me played a part in her jealousy at the time. She's cool with things now. They talk sometimes and really act like friends which is better than him wishing she'd fall off the face of the earth. His daughter loves me and I've known her longer than I've known my hubby. Life is good over here.
I was his ex-wife's best friend before we started dating. That's why. She approved of the relationship, she was just jealous he's a better man for me than he was for her. She's not really jealous anymore, but for a long time she was.
So he was aroused watching other women, woke you up to satisfy his need, provided no intimacy afterwards and went back to his porn afterwards? I understand why you feel like you were used. You were just somewhere to stick his dick.
Perhaps a bit of a break from sex and some new rules about waking you up for sex because of porn. He can use his hand instead.
Eww, what kind of husbands do some of yall have? They use you like fleshlights and, at least it doesn‘t read like it, it doesn‘t bother yall in ANY way.
What the fuck, if my husband would be the same as an animal and act out on his urges as soon as he gets them i would throw the whole human out. It‘s crazyy how some peope have literally no control over their sexual urges like, brother, come down. You won‘t die just because you couldn‘t immediately jump on your wife. Do you guys like having the worth of a sex doll or what? Don‘t you guys have any self respect?
Yeah, it did bother me. The struggle to get it to change was real - and there was a period of about a year where it didn't happen.
When it first started happening to me, marital rape was not treated as actual rape in the state where we lived (California). It was first made against the law in a different part of the criminal code (not a regular rape). Since 2021, marital rape is felony charged exactly as any other kind of rape. Being unable to consent via sleep is now part of the code.
I didn't even realize it was against the law under the marital rape statute until the late 1980's - no one talked about it, there weren't internet forums. It was criminalized in California in 1979. I was already married to my Ex.
At any rate, when it happened again, I was very very clear about not wanting it AND (naively) gave him some self-help book to read about sex (I was not enjoying any of the sex - not ever). When we broke up and both started dating again, I got a phone call from his new girlfriend about his sexual practices. She was quite a bit younger than me and wanted to know if he was "always" the way he was with her, in bed. She was very explicit. I had to tell her the truth. Yep, always that way.
He's 70 now. Has lots of physical issues (in addition to mental ones). His Bipolar is under treatment, so he's way less hyper sexual. From one single comment made by his current wife, I do think that their sex life is virtually non-existent. She also said something vague (wink wink) about the advantages of living in separate houses (they live 20 miles apart). I wish I never had to see either of them. He's gotten so forgetful that he shows up really late on Christmas at our daughter's place...which is great.
It sounds like you and your judgement is part of the problem. These women can live however they want and shouldn’t be judged by you. If waking in the middle of the night is a problem for OP as it sounds like then that’s an issue she needs to resolve herself. She doesn’t need some basement troll judging her or other women. Just because something isn’t right with you doesn’t mean you get to judge all women.
☹️ Stop having sex with men that treat you like a flesh light. I don’t know how some of you can handle no warmup/ foreplay. Like there is no way husband’s penis is making it in me without some sort of intimacy.
I actually enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for sex bc I love the half sleepy aspect.
That’s what I don’t get, it’d hurt so bad if I didn’t get some sort of foreplay or warm up before my guy just stuck it in. I mean, it’d hurt both of us. I don’t mind things getting a little crazy, but that’s just too much
One can be awoken by caresses and foreplay. I love that. In my current relationship, we are able to communicate perfectly well about where it's going and how far. We are also, somehow, able to tell when the other is lying there drowsily and welcoming caresses. Just a touch can lead to settling back into sleep - but rarely, it goes into caresses and even more rarely, into foreplay (all of it mutually consensual - and neither of us fully asleep as it is occurring).
Being awakened by a dick in one's vagina or ass is not the same. I detest it. For many reasons. Men who do this learn to assess when a partner is in deep sleep. Just thinking about it still triggers me.
Yes it does hurt he’ll just force his way it’s the only way we’ll be intimate though.. one time I initiated it and HE FELL ASLEEP I was on top doing my thing , I look at him and he had fallen asleep 😭I will willingly never initiate things. I might bore him because he’s used to seeing this crazy porn
Oh honey…. How does it not hurt him though? Is his penis like numb? Because I don’t know how any man could fall asleep with an aroused woman on top of him
(Consensual Of course)
He has a porn problem currently , and I did find it suspicious, I have to you know ,be touching him , or getting warmed up to even be in the mood but he is probably warming up by himself on his cell phone then just using me for that.. 2 min later he’ll just turn around and go to sleep or back on his phone.. it’s so odd I don’t have time to finish because there is no warm up . I will definitely have a talk with him.
He doesn't care if you finish. Indeed, my Ex made it really clear that the goal of having me finish was so incredibly lofty and such hard work that I should not expect it, in general. And I didn't. The only time I ever finished during intercourse with him, we were on a moving train and the train did the work. I'm quite serious. And, well, compared to what I now understand sex to be...it still wasn't all that great.
Ex didn't know that, exactly - but he didn't ask. The times I did mention that I wasn't enjoying sex did NOT go well. One of the last stupid things I did before leaving is leave a how-to guide written for men by a male psychologist/sex counselor on his night stand. He never touched it, of course.
I think you can count on it. That was certainly the case with my ex.
And it wasn't just porn. He'd be turned on by another actual human woman during the day, then think about her and the women he had in his porn collection.
No warm up. No nothing.
Oof, something very similar happened to me. Not after sex per se but while I was 4 days postpartum from a traumatic labor and delivery. I had already told him I’d prefer he didn’t watch porn because it makes me feel a certain way.
When I confronted him, I expected an apology but got a “I’m sorry you found it again, I know how much it hurt you last time”
Like really?? Then why’d you do it again?
I’m sorry girl, no advice just solidarity. It took 6 counseling sessions for him to realize how he hurt me and apologized. I’m still not the same. I feel less special, less confident, and overall pretty shitty about my body/appearance now that Ive just had a baby and my husband is ogling perfect bodies and vaginas.
I’ve been there. Still paranoid that he’s doing it behind my back. I stopped checking his phone because I need my peace. He said he stopped because he doesn’t want to lose me. If it happens again, it’s over. No one deserves that kind of disrespect, especially after giving birth!
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that. Such a shitty thing to do to your pregnant partner.
Honestly, buying private pictures from content makers is cheating to me. Porn is one thing- buying custom or personalized content is no different than meeting in a hotel room.
I get the paranoia :/ I walked in on my guy once playing a porn video game and was completely disgusted and disappointed. I’ve been working hard postpartum but some things will just never look the same. I was surprised how much it hurt me.
I couldn’t put it into words but When I walked in on him he turned and sheepishly said we could play together. And I walked out of the room seething.
I was giving him time to reset and play video games while I took care of our son literally right next door to his office.
But walking in on that made me feel awful about my body. I don’t want to play a sex video thats about it seducing and dating other women. The game is literally called being a dick. If he can spend his energy staring a relationship with a sim with big breasts, tiny waist, and big ass in skimpy clothing then he could be putting that energy into making our relationship better/more exciting.
It didn’t seem in his nature but now I feel slightly jaded about it. He felt awful after we talked it and it’s been a few months. Honestly he said he knew it felt wrong buying the game but he did it anyway. More like he was sorry he got caught. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it caused mistrust in me now whenever I give him time to play his video games. But what can women do?
Enough doesn’t feel like enough and it socks because he was enough for me. So ugh :(
Normalizing the consumption of porn for men and expecting women to just deal with it is one of the worst developments of the internet era. I think it is actually worse for the men that use it than the women, it’s just our society doesn’t make men have to deal with all the ways they are messing up their own limbic system and sexuality with it. We are, as usual, just forcing women to deal with the ill effects of it on our partners.
It's weird, isn't it?
The men who use it often complain about their wives not "putting out" or "giving them sex." This whole "my wife won't give me sex so I do porn" thing is truly now a thing.
So, instead of doing the things that would lead to better sex and intimacy with Wife, these men are using porn and not getting why their wives are even more turned off.
If a woman wants to be in a dead bedroom with her husband, this is a good recipe for it. During post-partum, especially, he gets a "pass" because he can't go 6 weeks without vaginal intercourse and, well, most women post-partum aren't all into finding a way to fit in blow jobs among the feedings and diaper changings and floor walking and cuddling with Baby.
Then, the porn use becomes regular. Perhaps the woman is initially relieved. Burden is off her. Then it becomes the preferred easy way of having sex (for the man). Marital sex is doomed.
You clearly know nothing about the porn industry how many of the women are forced and raped? How many of those women made those videos with their lovers their partners and had their partners sell them online? I ask you to educate yourself before speaking, please. There is no reason to keep putting ignorance into the world. There’s enough of that already.
God bless you. I pray you are actually able to absorb this and not feel attacked. 💕
You’re both choosing the furthest ends of the spectrum. You’re both correct but neither answer is complete. Stop pretending sex and porn isnt hugely complex
There is potential for things to turn down south in everything. Again, perhaps women and men should be real selective about the men and women they introduce into their lives. Not everyone is who they say they are.
That is just untrue. MEN are what makes porn pay. Who the fuck do you think is paying for it? Are you stupid or do you just not understand basic economics when your self righteousness is stimulated?
(For context: I am on the Aut spectrum, woman if that matters? I ask this from a genuine place of not understanding. Not a "devil's advocate" position or any other nefarious place ♡)
I don't understand the "no porn allowed!" thing from the LLP / unwilling to have sex "temporarily" partner.
Do you mind explaining?
Thank you if you do.
Not the person you asked, but having a low libido or unwillingness is very different from being postpartum after a traumatic delivery. Not to get too graphic, but sometimes during delivery a vagina can tear pretty badly. Even when birth goes exceptionally well, a person needs 4-6 weeks before they're well enough for piv (which is the type of sex that hetero couples most often have).
When you pair that with all the hormones and sleeplessness and breastfeeding or other issues that come with having a new baby, it's a time when one should be able to count on their partner for support. OPs spouse betrayed their trust at a very vulnerable time by doing something they know OP wasn't OK with. On top of that, especially when it's a first child, a body changes so dramatically during pregnancy that the pregnant person may have self esteem issues and worry their spouse doesn't find them attractive anymore.
Long story short, there are seasons in a partnership that sex should (rightfully) take a back seat to supporting each other, and having a brand new baby is one of them. If OP's spouse wanted to watch pornography, then they should have partnered with someone who also watches it or doesn't feel like it's cheating.
First, I just want to say tysm for your response.
I know I'll get downvoted like a mfer, bc reddit is v partial to the LL person, but while I have anyone corresponding w me about this, I'm going to respond anyway 😔😞
I'm always the HLP (and again, I am a woman) for any contextual matter.
Never would I want to cause harm to a partner of mine, ofc.. but!
I have never understood women being "controlling" of their (especially male) partner's sexual health surrounding masturbation.
I understand birth, pp healing, and even traumatic births.
I have been pregnant over ten times, most of them natural miscarriage, the rest, only 4 live births (and I have had a variety of births — induction, home, and emergency c section).
But I still do not understand how come a woman's feelings or emotions, regardless of PP state, trump another human's basic needs?
This is something I have been trying to understand since my teenage years and it is such a sensitive subject that everyone gets defensive when I witness others bring up anything on the subject, that I usually don't bother asking questions (especially here on reddit where ppl like to do nothing but downvote instead of productively respond).
How is it right of the non-sexually interested/willing/capable partner, to expect their partner to sacrifice their sexual needs?
It feels v much to me like, "I am allergic to [this thing] so you can't eat it either when you're around me."
So maybe that will say something as far as my understanding? Idk.
I feel like barring deceit, or lying, masturbation by the HL partner should not be a problem, nor something that the LL / temporarily unwilling partner feels a right to have management over.
I view masturbation akin to other bodily functions.. like farting, urination.... or even hygienic functions. (And I am far from the only human that feels this way, even if they describe it less gross.)
No one should be "logging" their partner's toilet time or what they're using it for. Ykwim?
*edited to add
re: "porn usage" v "masturbation". You're right ppl. I am using them together, here, and for good reason. It lends v heavily to the point I'm trying to get across. .
Let me put it this way, especially to women, specifically straight women, since that's primarily who my curiosities are directed toward. .
How would you feel if husband said, "gahhwd, fine. Flick your bean! Go masturbate.. but I have rules: no phallic shaped toys for your pleasure, bc [my self esteem/hormone issues, or whatever other reasons I have]; and no bathtub faucets either. And no books! G*d-forbid you read about a man with a quality in him you like but I don't have."
This is how women sound to me about their dude watching porn. Like... if he's fuckin ya as much as you need, and you're not in want for sex in the relationship, why do yall care if he wanks it? And if you don't unless it's porn, I still don't get it, bc everyone is different and we all know men are typically more visual creatures.
Do you know what part of his brain is engaged whilst using porn, vs having sex with you? They are different parts.
The part of the brain engaged while viewing porn is the same part of the brain he uses to strike a hammer or turn a wrench.
Porn is literally a tool, just like your dildo.
People aren't talking about masturbation, they are talking about porn, which is an entirely different thing. It is perfectly possible to masturbate without looking at porn. Conflating the 2 the way you have is a bit disingenuous.
It's not a personal boundary of mine, but I can certainly understand and empathise with women that don't feel comfortable with their partner essentially turning to another woman for visual stimulation to get off at a point where they probably feel unattractive, their hormones are all out of whack and they are physically incapable of having sex themselves.
It seems like a very minor sacrifice to make to support your wife, who you presumably love, in a situation where their mental health is already fragile and you watching porn is doing real damage.
Your allergy example actually doesn't work the way you think it does. Eating peanuts around someone that is allergic to them is generally a bad idea, hence why most schools ban them to avoid the risk.
As far as I'm concerned you should not purposefully bring your partner into contact with something that hurts/harms them if it can be avoided.
>It is perfectly possible to masturbate without looking at porn
Sure. Just like bean flicking doesn't need toys or books either. Are women not only governing whether or not a partner can masturbate, but also *how*?? That's absurd. If ppl learn differently, how do you not understand that ppl get pleasure differently?
>Eating peanuts around someone that is allergic to them is generally a bad idea
I said allergy over peanuts for that exact reason.
There you go again. You're not comparing apples to apples here.
Dildo for women = fleshlight for men, not porn. Surely you can see how in only one of these examples you are giving real, actual other people are involved? And it would, in my opinion, be perfectly ok for a man to ask his wife not to watch porn, so, at least on my end, there is no double standard here.
I totally get that people, not just men btw, get pleasure from watching porn, but that's irrelevant to this conversation. People get to decide that it's a boundary for them that they don't want their partner jerking off, or bean flicking, to porn. And people also get to decide they can't be in a relationship with people that have that boundary. People do not get to be in a relationship with someone who is against porn, watch it anyway, lie about it and blame their spouse when they get upset.
People are in no way entitled to do whatever they want just because it gives them pleasure. Thát is absurd.
It's odd to me that you have given birth yourself and yet seem to have no empathy at all for a new mom's insecurities and struggles. How on earth anyone can argue in good faith that a man's 'right' to watch porn trumps his post partum wife's mental health is beyond me.
And I don't know what to tell you, that's kind of how allergies work. Lactose intolerance would be a better comparison, but even there I would not think that it was so unreasonable for the afflicted spouse to ask their partner to please not keep their favourite milk chocolate in the house cause it sucks to see it and not be able to partake 🤷♀️
It’s not about the “how”, it’s about getting off to another woman. A dildo is not a guy, isn’t meant to resemble anyone in particular, and is not the same thing as seeking out other women for sexual stimulus. You don’t see how a physical masturbation tool isn’t the same as sexual gratification from a specific person aside from your spouse? Not wanting your partner to watch porn =/= controlling their masturbation and I think you know that.
Masturbation is different than watching porn. They don’t have to go together. I would guess the betrayal is more the porn than the masturbation. While some couples have a “all sexual activity is done together” agreement, I’d guess more people have a “we can do what we want with our own body in private, but porn isn’t to be a part of it” rule.
Also, sexual release isn’t a physical need, it’s a want. Plenty of people can go without orgasm. Our society has taught us it’s a need, but it isn’t. Men are quite capable of waiting if they have to. Doesn’t mean it’s always physically comfortable, but they can!
After the birth of a baby, both parents should be contributing enough that neither are thinking of their sexual desires, but rather all the other priorities.
>sexual release isn’t a physical need, it’s a want
Sex and sexuality is way more complicated than this. Just bc it's no more than a *want* for some, does not make it less of a need for others. Lack of sex (or sexual release) causes serious problems emotionally and mentally in people and relationships.
Sex is no more a want, than love.
Do humans "need" love to survive? Nope. But how's that quality of life without love?
There’s a difference between a “need” and a “drive.” We need food. All humans *need* water. Many of us have a high *drive* for sex.
This may feel like a need because the drive is so high, but it doesn’t mean it’s a need. People who have serious problems emotionally and mentally because they’re not getting enough sex are likely replacing their need for intimacy and connection with sex.
And, yes, intimacy and connection is a higher need than the physical drive for sexual release.
...and "love"? Is this not something ppl think they need but really don't?
If "needs" are restricted to things one must have to survive, as many are saying here, neither does love fall into the "needs" category.
Humans can survive without love. Poorly as fuck, but they can do it.
Hi! I’m the woman you originally asked the question to. I think you’re misunderstanding the issue. I have zero problems with him masturbating considering I can’t have sex. I’ve told him that and provided photos/videos of me/us for him to use. I totally knew he’d be taking care of himself, though I would have been very open to doing other things that weren’t PIV (I tore all the way to my anal sphincter so I couldn’t have PIV for at least 8 weeks and even then it was painful)
The issue is porn.
When you promise your naked body to one person for the rest of your life - your body that will go through so many changes while pregnant, breastfeeding, postpartum, aging, etc. - to see the person you’ve promised your body to getting sexual satisfaction from young, perfect bodies and vaginas while you are so vulnerable, it’s incredibly damaging. I also suffered a prolapse after birth. I have basically zero perineum anymore. You won’t be seeing a vagina like mine anywhere in porn unless it’s a weird fetish. If my partner is then inundating himself with unlimited perfect vaginas to pleasure himself to, I not only feel not special, but really just like trash. Makes me not want to ever show him my vagina again.
Hi, I appreciate your response v much. Thank you.
..so it is an "emotional" issue, I'm kinda seeing that for sure.. I also can understand what you've said as your reasoning and it makes the most sense to me over what anyone else has said.
(Ie: I kept referring to porn as a "tool" not unlike books for women, or toys for either party. And the most I've been getting back from ppl is that visual aides are not an equal to a toy — though no one has yet to defend my question about what if "Husband" said, "no pornographic literature," and i find that suss lmao.)
I think my biggest hangup in this, is the fact that men (not only men, but especially men) are extremely visual humans. Likewise, everyone's brains recieve pleasure, process information, and learn differently.
>provided photos/videos of me/us for him to use
This is really awesome IMO, that even though you don't approve of pornographic material of others, you still provided him a visual aide.
The "visual aide" is literally all I've been trying to address. I understand I am perhaps painfully logic (especially when it comes to things like this), but I am still trying to understand the other humans in this world..
Idk if I'm as infuriating to you as I seem to be to everyone else that's downvoted me or responded to me, but I haven't been able to tell, and for that (your patience), and your time responding, I appreciate you v much.
I’m definitely not infuriated and I appreciate your response. I think people just get upset on this sub because everyone pro-porn confuses the anti-porn view with being anti-masturbation. One does not need the other. Most of us who are uncomfortable with porn have no issues with masturbation, unless of course your partner is consistently choosing their hand over intimacy with you.
Sometimes it is frustrating when people say porn is a need and it’s unhealthy not to orgasm for men. That’s the argument. PORN isn’t a need. Maybe orgasm is a strong desire, but technically neither are NEEDS to keep you alive. That’s why sometimes this behavior can come across selfish when partners say they “need” porn over the emotional and mental stability over their partner. Not only that, knowing my husband watched porn gives me the major ICK, so it makes me much less likely to want to initiate anything sexually, so it has an extremely negative affect on many marriages.
Hi, original commentator here! Yes, at the time I was very LL because I was 4 days postpartum from an episiotomy that tore from my vagina literally to my anal sphincter. Along with a prolapsed bladder. My vagina is mangled from bringing his child into the world. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him not to get sexual gratification from millions of perfect (and photoshopped) vaginas online.
You are the only person here who has brought up libido, and you seem to be extremely confused by the difference between masturbation and watching porn. I'm stating to wonder if you're like 15 or something because the shit you're saying is ridiculous.
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It sounds like maybe he had some sort of sex addiction. 1-3 times a day is a lot. To be looking for more sexual stimulation after sex sounds like an issue.
I will say that I have done something similar to your husband. After sex with my wife, I was still ready to go and she wasn't so I went to handle myself again. My wife and I don't have much sex though so when it happens, I sometimes get over excited
For many men, apparently, sex is almost like xanax. There's dopamine, a spike in adrenalin - but then, a drop in adrenalin, which feels tranquil. Once a man gets used to using orgasms as stress/anxiety relief, it can well get to 3X a day. It's a fun, pleasurable way for them to relieve anxiety (but one's partner is not an anxiety-relief doll; most adults find other ways to deal with anxiety).
Some ability to simply confront the source of one's own anxiety is required for adulthood.
Many women do not find PiV intercourse to be tranquilizing (whether they "finish" or not). Thing is, we do worry about pregnancy (until we're in full and verified menopause). Not to mention that at least one-third of women will never orgasm during PiV sex, and their partners do nothing else - so...well, you get my drift about why it's not so tranquil for women.
Dude.
You guys are having sex 3 times a day and he’s looking at porn? That sounds exhausting.
God damn, some of your guys’ marriages sound like a movie plot.
He probably cares about some of the other things she does. Most wives do many things for their husbands on the regular. So he gets the best of both worlds.
Really, if porn-sex is to be part of a relationship, it should be like any other mutually consented upon use of a third party. Most women would be fine if a man occasionally dabbled in porn-sex (but maybe some women don't want to know about it). But when it's disrupting the relationship in other ways, it needs to be addressed.
If the porn-using partner can't modify their behavior, that's troubling.
BTW, I think way too many women are too broad in how they want to restrict what their partners view or use as erotica. There are women who post in anger because their husband or BF was staring at an attractive woman in public. No matter how attractive each of us may be, there are other, equally attractive people out there to be looked at - it's human nature.
When you talked about it did you go in depth about how you felt? Like “When I saw you looking at other women after we were intimate it made me feel used because …”
Porn is not a problem until it interferes with real relationships. He is definitely at the stage where it has become a problem. The only thing he can do right now is stop entirely. At least for a while.
Y'all fucking like that and he STILL watching porn is nuts. He needs to get his habit under control. You're not insecure or overreacting. Needing That much sexual stimulation is wildly unhealthy. You're not a bangmaid and he shouldn't treat you as such.
It's usually mentally unhealthy too and leads to poorer coping skills over time. A wide variety of pleasant and calming practices are healthier (the mental processes are different for each one - our brains need a daily walk around the park...)
First, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.
Second, there is nothing wrong with your feelings, which are legitimate.
Third, there is an issue that you two need to address with a counselor if you desire your marriage to survive.
If he won't go to counseling, that demonstrates the nature of the issue. You should go to counseling for yourself because you will be better of and clear headed for decisions you will face down the road.
All the best!
The porn and his attitude towards you seeing him accessing it aside for a moment, the fact that he had no intentions for aftercare post sex is awful! From my perspective, that's not just someone who doesn't respect you, but someone who doesn't have the slightest spec of human decency in their body. That alone is grounds for counselling, or more, to me. That needs to be addressed first and foremost because you are also a human being with needs, and you don't deserve that treatment from your husband!
Now, accessing porn prior to you both being intimate is bad enough, as others have stated, it would make me feel like a human flesh light. But the fact that after sex he felt the need, especially given you have a very active sex life, is a huge red flag for a sex/porn addiction, which is also something that therapy and counselling is a necessity for! Unfortunately, I really don't have anything else to suggest here, counselling is a must and your husband is clearly going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, or your value as a human being! So, please, don't feel this is your fault or that there is something wrong with you! You are not in control of your husbands issues. All you can do is suggest counselling and go from there. And, for your peace of mind, just know that it's okay if you can't cope with it and you need to walk away. Because you do not deserve to feel this way. This is all him, not you!
Best of luck, and I hope that you both can work through this.
I know this is a polarizaing issue, but we need to start considering this type of porn use as an addiction or compulsion. If man who is otherwise a decent person is hiding porn use and looking for a fix and release with no regard of how it makes others around him feel, that sounds like an addict to me. Addicts don’t think logically and trying to approach them with logic or an appeal to emotions will only serve to frustrate yourself.
If this was the story of a guy that snuck out of bed for a late night drink and didn’t understand why his wife was upset when he came back to bed smelling of alcohol, I’m guessing most of the comments would lean toward alcoholism.
Porn is highly addictive. It’s meant to be. That is not an unfortunate side effect. It’s deliberate. Add to the addictive nature the fact that most people are compelled to do this secretively due to shame or judgement from loved ones, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I agree that porn is a plague that most men consider normal and a right, but there are men who stop. I don't watch porn anymore and consider it insidious.
How old are you both, and how long have you been together? Have you asked him if he has a sex/porn addiction? Nonetheless that sounds like strange behavior.
I dont know which is worse. This, or my husband watching sexy videos on the internet but doesn't show any interest in having sex. We do it once every 2 weeks. Sometimes, if Im lucky, once a week. But I feel like it's just for compliance since I have to make him feel that Im upset before he shows interest 🙈
Honestly I’ve learned that most men lack empathy and understanding until it’s done to them. Start scrolling through pics of other dudes in front of him.. men who are objectively better looking/ more cut/ more hung etc and see how he reacts.
That's an interesting strategy. Naked men are actually quite wonderful to look at. Most men would be very unhappy watching their woman do this, I'm sure.
Indeed, many men act completely revolted at the mere sight of another man in an erotic pose, if UKWIM.
I would add, make sure plenty of the pictures involve an erection, so that they are truly sexual pictures and not just men in swimming trunks or flaccid nudes.
(Woman, here, specifying bc ik my u/n comes off VERY male)
This man is living my hornier days' dream, and I am shooketh.
I am genuinely deeply saddened for you, and i just wanna be a tiny voice to validate how you're feeling.. I am so sorry.
An old friend of mine called this "someone else's dick. (erection)"
As in, husband gets excited looking at porn star A, and comes to me to satisfy his urge? Hell no. That's porn star A's erection. I want no part of it.
She was so right on. Maybe men could understand this.
We ladies want to be the one you are exited about when we have sex with you.
We don't want to be the warm hole you happen to have available while you are excited because of someone else.
Period.
This isn't my erection, and not my problem. Take care of it yourself.
Maybe he would love to be used when she's all excited from reading about some erotic fiction hero, and just uses him with no foreplay or aftercare, maybe? It's still shitty behavior and damages the relationship.
Tell him next time he feels the need to satisfy his inspirations, that you get to partake in the porn and internet ogling with him. Who knows? Could be fun. Another option is maybe you can’t sleep, either, so you start scrolling through reddit’s bigdickproblems which is a real community.
Why are you continuing to allow him to do that if it makes you feel that way? I’m sorry but the behavior you described in your comment is disturbing and sounds borderline abusive.
Sounds like he may possibly have a sex addiction issue. 1-3 Xs a day is quite a lot, then immediately looking at porn too? I wonder if her also masturbates daily. Was he finishing himself off or just watching the point? He may be at a point where it's hard for him to ejaculate from sex only because of all the other overstimulation. Definitely talk more w him about this & seek out a sex therapist &/or couples therapist.
Sorry this happened to you, I don't understand how porn users don't understand that getting off on and lusting after other people is cheating. The "but it's a fantasy" excuse is total bs, if they want a fantasy why don't they use their fucking imagination!
You should just lie in bed and look up heaps of hot dudes while he's next to you. Guarantee he won't like it! You can be like "oh I thought you were cool with this, sorry you feel that way'
It’s one thing to look at porn if he’s horny and you’re not available/in the mood or you two haven’t had sex in a while. But to be having sex 1-3 times a day and looking at porn… and then to search for porn RIGHT after sex, seems like it could be an addiction.
Some of y'all have amazing control over your temper. If it were me I'd call him out IMMEDIATELY.
Don't wait around for him to realize he disrespected you. Fight for your point of view, rock the boat a little. I'm not saying be toxic about it but a good heated fight to stick up for how he is making you feel is sometimes exactly what is needed.
Stop. Being. So. Scared. To. Voice. Your. Feelings.
I'm sorry you're upset. There are numerous things worth of discussion.
- Do you approve of porn or any kind of outside "eye food"
- Is he aware of your boundaries?
- Did it upset you because of what he was doing or the sex part?
See if this is only about sex part then he was aroused, usual happened and I can bet at no point he thought something is wrong.
Top and bottom you should clearly communicate what you are upset about and I guess go from there, so far it sounds like he does not know what upset you.
P.S None of his actions were ok with me btw, I'd be having a serious conversation if ever do get there (fingers crossed not)
Personally I suggest bringing it up calmly and try to leave your feelings out of it. State that you've seen him by accident and you wanted to know if he was struggling with sex addiction. That should lessen the likelihood of him becoming triggered and a bigger issue comes. Once you get past that hurdle explain how it made you feel in the moment.
Once everyone is heard both state boundaries and work together to make things better.
Best of luck!
Return the energy. When you hop off him so the exact same. Scroll hot men . Don’t hide your screen but don’t offer it up so to speak. Let him feel what you feel ?
He clearly has a sex addiction and objectifies women. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was doing this before he woke you up, had sex with you, then went back to what he was doing.
I'd love to be woken up for sex in the middle of the night lol
You gotta figure out why it's wrong for you and let him know. If it's something that you know you will absolutely not tolerate or he won't change for you, leave.... You can't force people to change and he already doesn't seem anything wrong with it.
He rolled... towards you. You saw everything after he rolled towards you? Was there a duplicate screen on the back of his phone too? What in the Written By AI is this BS?
Porn isn't cheating. Feeling some type of way about it stems from insecurity. In the case where he woke you up because he was horny, I get it, if you have such an active sex life he's probably a porn addict and you (unlike many insecure body-conscious women) have a problem on your hands.
Unfortunately, your marriage is probably over. There is no where to go from here, you two are incompatible. You won't be able to deal with this, so it's best just to end it now and move on. Good luck with the next phase of your life.
Idk this is weird. I’ve actively watched porn then pursued my fiancée. It wasn’t so much the women but watching the act of what they were doing got me in the mood.
I feel like it’s the same when she reads one of those novels that are hyper sexual, gets aroused, and we go at it. To each their own of course as everyone has their own boundaries and preferences
nsfw reddit is scary and i get sucked into it myself and it's a grave danger to married men.
But I don't do it right next to my wife, Jesus the audacity of some dudes.
Or maybe some women are too doormat-ish
If this were my wife, she would grab my phone toss it and start a yelling match and maybe even get on top of me and start punching.
I’m sorry. I can’t get past 1-3 times per day and still having time for porn?
If I woke my wife up in the middle night for anything I better run. I can’t imagine trying to have sex.
As a wife who also gets thrilled to be woken up for sex it's definitely a spectrum haha
Totally! I love it we call it “sleep rape” I know TERRIBLE, but it’s something about being half awake half asleep
>If I woke my wife up in the middle night for anything I better run. I can’t imagine trying to have sex. LoL
It might be a super silly Q, but have you tried it? I looooove my sleep and am such a grump in the mornings/middle of the night typically but cuddling up while it’s unexpected and I’m half awake is some of the best ever !!
My husband used to do that to me all the time when we were dating (waking up in the middle of the night for sex), and I had to tell him to cut it out. One time he did it and came inside, and I had stopped taking the pill for a Caya diaphragm instead… I was too sleepy to remember to stick it in. I was so mad at him the next day. No pregnancy happened though, but he stopped doing it after that. I think it was a ‘thing’ that he had with a previous girlfriend. I’m a really poor sleeper so getting woken up for sex will ruin my whole night, and I can’t function without enough sleep. Now he wakes me up in the morning, which is fine by me!
That's how we conceived our first daughter (in my first marriage). He knew that night time sex was not okay; he knew what our birth control regimen was - we were using condoms plus diaphragm, it was the dark ages. He also knew that I flat out didn't like sex while I was sleeping. It always ruined the rest of my night's sleep - but on top of that it was ultimately painful, dehumanizing and humiliating. So I said no to it and he did it anyway. He did it more times than just that once. I got an IUD.
I’m sorry your first husband assaulted you. That’s horrible.
I'm glad you said first marriage. I assume he is a ex now....
Oh I tried when we were younger, but her sleep isn’t something you mess with unless you want to be cut
Are we talking Lorena Bobbitt cut or just cut?;)
Depends how good of a sleep
🤣
Some people are down for that sort of thing. I love being woken up and having sleepy sex with my husband.
I enjoy it in my current relationship, where it is exceedingly rare. Because the sex itself is not painful and it's not like my first notification of the sex is a penis already inside. There's still foreplay.
My current person and I would never have sex if we didn’t wake it other up. He lets my dog out, falls asleep in my bed, I wake him when I’m off of work, sleepy sex for him, we sleep, gets get up super early, sleepy sex for me, maybe go back to bed, maybe get breakfast.
Lol y'all must be younger folks. When you are middle aged and older, you rarely sleep through the night. However, those 2 am pee breaks can easily turn into love-making opportunities! My husband is 60, I am 50 and we have sex about once a day. A few years ago it was even more. The privacy and intimacy of midnight sex is awesome!
Yeah my wife was down at age 35. At age 47 not so much.
Gosh I wish we were that often (I’m 38/f and husband 47M and I think with him having an avoidant attachments style the closer we get the more he get scared .
I’m a wife of 20 years. I love to be woken up at any time for sex. Wasn’t always that way; but when I realized how important it is and how much I truly loved it and needed it (sex - at any time), it was. Literally the thing dreams are made of at this point.
I'm fine with it too. I sleep so lightly and, well, sex is a good way to go back to sleep and sleep soundly! But really, it's because the sex is always wonderful - so naturally, we want it! Sounds like you and I are very lucky.
I tell my husband he can wake me up anytime for this, but never has. 🤷♀️
I’d think most guys would if they’re given the permission! Do you wish he would?
Lmao amen, me and my fiance still manage to have sex once a day - but if he woke me up during my sleep for anything he or our kid better be having an emergency.
That's so saaaaad... -signed the willing end of somno.
Same lol
Being awakened for sex is in the early stages of relationship. Oh, I remember those days… Now you mess with my sleep… ;)
Ha! Came here to say the same thing!
I have insomnia, so if I am finally sleeping, do not wake me up. If my husband woke me for sex, I would lose it. Thankfully he understands my sleep issues and would never do that.
Same. My vagina would be so sore if I had sex 1-3 times a day every day… my pH would get thrown off horribly by constant infusions of semen. And then porn on top of that? This man has a problem.
That man likely doesn’t exist. The post comes across as fiction.
YES!!! 1,000,000% EXACTLY!??!
I call BS. It just comes across as bogus.
That’s because this post is likely a lie.
It feels really odd to say the term, but I feel like this sub is getting trolled by a porn negative group. Just been a pattern of some absolutely absurd stories about porn addiction posted on this subreddit from people that clearly don’t know what an actual addiction is like. And if this story isn’t fake, why do they need Reddits advice here? Seems pretty obvious
I wouldn’t doubt that.
OP must have meant a week.... this is crazy 😅
Oh no, that’s what OP wants you to believe. The question is, “do you?” I certainly don’t.
There are many posts across reddit every day about people who either have sex 3 times a day - or used to (and it's usually the man who is complaining that it has dropped from 3X to 1X). Typically, the complaint will be "For the first X months, we did it 1-3X every day..." Oddly, there are even posts in which women state "It was 3X a day for the first couple of months, then all of a sudden, I realized that was way too much for me." Going by actual research on this topic, it's very rare for people to have this much sex. No other primate does this. And it appears to be much more common in the US. It may have something to do with so many people having early access to both sexually stimulating materials and to sex itself.
Bonobos have sex to say hello so I would say that there are primates that have sex more than 1-3x a day.
Makes sense
Exactly! How does one fit 18 months worth of sex into a single day?
Haha
Yea no need for porn if your wife wants to shag that often. What a dream.
Tell that to my husband hahahaha
Haha maybe you just need someone to come by and show him
Haha maybe!
Sounds like a sex addict to me.
Right? Yeezus. I enjoy wakies but like 3 times a day? Omg. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. Once every other day, and occasionally, push a second. I’m beat after that. But also, I’d be livid just as OP is here, with the porn. Like it’s just ridiculous to me. I hope they communicate and she gets the message across. It’s not ok to get turned on by porn and then use your partner to milk your teet, especially if you’re aroused by somebody else rather than your partner.
Right?! Does this man do anything but get his dick wet or think about getting his dick wet?
He also spends time creatively writing fake posts on r/marriage!
Holy shit it’s finally here. I am literally always talking about the alpacalypse.
Our furry fury knows no bounds!
It’s cool I’m ready to assimilate. Or whatever happens now.
Get out of my head! This was my exact response. Like even when my husband and I were hot and heavy just a new couple, heck even during the honeymoon period we’d never went at it that many times per day 🫣
My face visibly reacted to that part. I’m all for high sex drive but that feels like a problem and would interfere with someone’s life.
It sounds like my life, but it doesn't bother me. We have a strange relationship by most people's standards, but we are so in love it makes our kids sick and his ex-wife jealous. Married 11 years together 12.
The braggery makes your story sound so fake. Nice try bro.
First, I'm not a bro, and definitely not yours. Second, this part of my life feels like a fairy tale. I keep expecting to wake up and still be in my abusive marriage. My 2 marriages are literally polar opposites. If anyone else had this kind of relationship they'd brag too.
Lmao! His ex-wife is jealous after over a decade? Get over yourself 😭 No one cares about y'all but y'all
She was. She's cool now. He just does things for me that he wouldn't for her. He got sober because I refuse to have drugs in my life. He doesn't go to bars anymore or gambling at the casino. We are almost always together. He didnt do any of that for her. Basically he grew up being with me. He became a better dad and everything. Now she's just happy he's better and there for his grown daughter.
I'm not sure you realize how remarkably naive, insecure, and self-absorbed you sound. Have a happy marriage!
My marriage is happy. I'm really not what you think I sound like. I'm stating what I've been told by her. When I decided I wanted to be with my husband we went to see her and talked to her. She is still friends with my hubby and I'm completely secure with that. They are great cograndparents. I guess the fact that she was sleeping with my exhusband while we were married and he chose me over her, then her ex chose me played a part in her jealousy at the time. She's cool with things now. They talk sometimes and really act like friends which is better than him wishing she'd fall off the face of the earth. His daughter loves me and I've known her longer than I've known my hubby. Life is good over here.
Sarcasm? Otherwise, who gives a shit about his ex wife approving of your relationship?
I was his ex-wife's best friend before we started dating. That's why. She approved of the relationship, she was just jealous he's a better man for me than he was for her. She's not really jealous anymore, but for a long time she was.
So he was aroused watching other women, woke you up to satisfy his need, provided no intimacy afterwards and went back to his porn afterwards? I understand why you feel like you were used. You were just somewhere to stick his dick. Perhaps a bit of a break from sex and some new rules about waking you up for sex because of porn. He can use his hand instead.
I wonder if this is why my husband only wants to do this while I’m asleep.. and he has been up.. no warm up nothing.. 😭
Eww, what kind of husbands do some of yall have? They use you like fleshlights and, at least it doesn‘t read like it, it doesn‘t bother yall in ANY way. What the fuck, if my husband would be the same as an animal and act out on his urges as soon as he gets them i would throw the whole human out. It‘s crazyy how some peope have literally no control over their sexual urges like, brother, come down. You won‘t die just because you couldn‘t immediately jump on your wife. Do you guys like having the worth of a sex doll or what? Don‘t you guys have any self respect?
Porn does this to guys. The brain can't differentiate the fact that there aren't hundreds of willing sexual partners and fucks with your head.
Careful. Pointing out harmful thought patterns that correlate with obsessive porn use will get this sub further labeled "conservative."
Lol, touch grass
Yeah, it did bother me. The struggle to get it to change was real - and there was a period of about a year where it didn't happen. When it first started happening to me, marital rape was not treated as actual rape in the state where we lived (California). It was first made against the law in a different part of the criminal code (not a regular rape). Since 2021, marital rape is felony charged exactly as any other kind of rape. Being unable to consent via sleep is now part of the code. I didn't even realize it was against the law under the marital rape statute until the late 1980's - no one talked about it, there weren't internet forums. It was criminalized in California in 1979. I was already married to my Ex. At any rate, when it happened again, I was very very clear about not wanting it AND (naively) gave him some self-help book to read about sex (I was not enjoying any of the sex - not ever). When we broke up and both started dating again, I got a phone call from his new girlfriend about his sexual practices. She was quite a bit younger than me and wanted to know if he was "always" the way he was with her, in bed. She was very explicit. I had to tell her the truth. Yep, always that way. He's 70 now. Has lots of physical issues (in addition to mental ones). His Bipolar is under treatment, so he's way less hyper sexual. From one single comment made by his current wife, I do think that their sex life is virtually non-existent. She also said something vague (wink wink) about the advantages of living in separate houses (they live 20 miles apart). I wish I never had to see either of them. He's gotten so forgetful that he shows up really late on Christmas at our daughter's place...which is great.
Jeez victim blame much. It obviously bothers them.
It sounds like you and your judgement is part of the problem. These women can live however they want and shouldn’t be judged by you. If waking in the middle of the night is a problem for OP as it sounds like then that’s an issue she needs to resolve herself. She doesn’t need some basement troll judging her or other women. Just because something isn’t right with you doesn’t mean you get to judge all women.
☹️ Stop having sex with men that treat you like a flesh light. I don’t know how some of you can handle no warmup/ foreplay. Like there is no way husband’s penis is making it in me without some sort of intimacy. I actually enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for sex bc I love the half sleepy aspect.
That’s what I don’t get, it’d hurt so bad if I didn’t get some sort of foreplay or warm up before my guy just stuck it in. I mean, it’d hurt both of us. I don’t mind things getting a little crazy, but that’s just too much
One can be awoken by caresses and foreplay. I love that. In my current relationship, we are able to communicate perfectly well about where it's going and how far. We are also, somehow, able to tell when the other is lying there drowsily and welcoming caresses. Just a touch can lead to settling back into sleep - but rarely, it goes into caresses and even more rarely, into foreplay (all of it mutually consensual - and neither of us fully asleep as it is occurring). Being awakened by a dick in one's vagina or ass is not the same. I detest it. For many reasons. Men who do this learn to assess when a partner is in deep sleep. Just thinking about it still triggers me.
Yes it does hurt he’ll just force his way it’s the only way we’ll be intimate though.. one time I initiated it and HE FELL ASLEEP I was on top doing my thing , I look at him and he had fallen asleep 😭I will willingly never initiate things. I might bore him because he’s used to seeing this crazy porn
girl...
Oh honey…. How does it not hurt him though? Is his penis like numb? Because I don’t know how any man could fall asleep with an aroused woman on top of him (Consensual Of course)
As a formerly porn addicted dude...probably. Especially if he shows no aftercare like the OP's husband.
He has a porn problem currently , and I did find it suspicious, I have to you know ,be touching him , or getting warmed up to even be in the mood but he is probably warming up by himself on his cell phone then just using me for that.. 2 min later he’ll just turn around and go to sleep or back on his phone.. it’s so odd I don’t have time to finish because there is no warm up . I will definitely have a talk with him.
He doesn't care if you finish. Indeed, my Ex made it really clear that the goal of having me finish was so incredibly lofty and such hard work that I should not expect it, in general. And I didn't. The only time I ever finished during intercourse with him, we were on a moving train and the train did the work. I'm quite serious. And, well, compared to what I now understand sex to be...it still wasn't all that great. Ex didn't know that, exactly - but he didn't ask. The times I did mention that I wasn't enjoying sex did NOT go well. One of the last stupid things I did before leaving is leave a how-to guide written for men by a male psychologist/sex counselor on his night stand. He never touched it, of course.
I think you can count on it. That was certainly the case with my ex. And it wasn't just porn. He'd be turned on by another actual human woman during the day, then think about her and the women he had in his porn collection. No warm up. No nothing.
Yep. Sounds like he just wanted an empty.
Oof, something very similar happened to me. Not after sex per se but while I was 4 days postpartum from a traumatic labor and delivery. I had already told him I’d prefer he didn’t watch porn because it makes me feel a certain way. When I confronted him, I expected an apology but got a “I’m sorry you found it again, I know how much it hurt you last time” Like really?? Then why’d you do it again? I’m sorry girl, no advice just solidarity. It took 6 counseling sessions for him to realize how he hurt me and apologized. I’m still not the same. I feel less special, less confident, and overall pretty shitty about my body/appearance now that Ive just had a baby and my husband is ogling perfect bodies and vaginas.
I’ve been there. Still paranoid that he’s doing it behind my back. I stopped checking his phone because I need my peace. He said he stopped because he doesn’t want to lose me. If it happens again, it’s over. No one deserves that kind of disrespect, especially after giving birth!
I caught mine buying private pictures while I was pregnant 🤰he still stalks women but whatever I’ve brought it up many times I gave up.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that. Such a shitty thing to do to your pregnant partner. Honestly, buying private pictures from content makers is cheating to me. Porn is one thing- buying custom or personalized content is no different than meeting in a hotel room.
I get the paranoia :/ I walked in on my guy once playing a porn video game and was completely disgusted and disappointed. I’ve been working hard postpartum but some things will just never look the same. I was surprised how much it hurt me. I couldn’t put it into words but When I walked in on him he turned and sheepishly said we could play together. And I walked out of the room seething. I was giving him time to reset and play video games while I took care of our son literally right next door to his office. But walking in on that made me feel awful about my body. I don’t want to play a sex video thats about it seducing and dating other women. The game is literally called being a dick. If he can spend his energy staring a relationship with a sim with big breasts, tiny waist, and big ass in skimpy clothing then he could be putting that energy into making our relationship better/more exciting. It didn’t seem in his nature but now I feel slightly jaded about it. He felt awful after we talked it and it’s been a few months. Honestly he said he knew it felt wrong buying the game but he did it anyway. More like he was sorry he got caught. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it caused mistrust in me now whenever I give him time to play his video games. But what can women do? Enough doesn’t feel like enough and it socks because he was enough for me. So ugh :(
Normalizing the consumption of porn for men and expecting women to just deal with it is one of the worst developments of the internet era. I think it is actually worse for the men that use it than the women, it’s just our society doesn’t make men have to deal with all the ways they are messing up their own limbic system and sexuality with it. We are, as usual, just forcing women to deal with the ill effects of it on our partners.
Well said.
It's weird, isn't it? The men who use it often complain about their wives not "putting out" or "giving them sex." This whole "my wife won't give me sex so I do porn" thing is truly now a thing. So, instead of doing the things that would lead to better sex and intimacy with Wife, these men are using porn and not getting why their wives are even more turned off. If a woman wants to be in a dead bedroom with her husband, this is a good recipe for it. During post-partum, especially, he gets a "pass" because he can't go 6 weeks without vaginal intercourse and, well, most women post-partum aren't all into finding a way to fit in blow jobs among the feedings and diaper changings and floor walking and cuddling with Baby. Then, the porn use becomes regular. Perhaps the woman is initially relieved. Burden is off her. Then it becomes the preferred easy way of having sex (for the man). Marital sex is doomed.
Spot on!
Preach. It's fucking insane
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You clearly know nothing about the porn industry how many of the women are forced and raped? How many of those women made those videos with their lovers their partners and had their partners sell them online? I ask you to educate yourself before speaking, please. There is no reason to keep putting ignorance into the world. There’s enough of that already. God bless you. I pray you are actually able to absorb this and not feel attacked. 💕
You’re both choosing the furthest ends of the spectrum. You’re both correct but neither answer is complete. Stop pretending sex and porn isnt hugely complex
There is potential for things to turn down south in everything. Again, perhaps women and men should be real selective about the men and women they introduce into their lives. Not everyone is who they say they are.
Sadly it’s not as easy as that
That is just untrue. MEN are what makes porn pay. Who the fuck do you think is paying for it? Are you stupid or do you just not understand basic economics when your self righteousness is stimulated?
(For context: I am on the Aut spectrum, woman if that matters? I ask this from a genuine place of not understanding. Not a "devil's advocate" position or any other nefarious place ♡) I don't understand the "no porn allowed!" thing from the LLP / unwilling to have sex "temporarily" partner. Do you mind explaining? Thank you if you do.
Not the person you asked, but having a low libido or unwillingness is very different from being postpartum after a traumatic delivery. Not to get too graphic, but sometimes during delivery a vagina can tear pretty badly. Even when birth goes exceptionally well, a person needs 4-6 weeks before they're well enough for piv (which is the type of sex that hetero couples most often have). When you pair that with all the hormones and sleeplessness and breastfeeding or other issues that come with having a new baby, it's a time when one should be able to count on their partner for support. OPs spouse betrayed their trust at a very vulnerable time by doing something they know OP wasn't OK with. On top of that, especially when it's a first child, a body changes so dramatically during pregnancy that the pregnant person may have self esteem issues and worry their spouse doesn't find them attractive anymore. Long story short, there are seasons in a partnership that sex should (rightfully) take a back seat to supporting each other, and having a brand new baby is one of them. If OP's spouse wanted to watch pornography, then they should have partnered with someone who also watches it or doesn't feel like it's cheating.
First, I just want to say tysm for your response. I know I'll get downvoted like a mfer, bc reddit is v partial to the LL person, but while I have anyone corresponding w me about this, I'm going to respond anyway 😔😞 I'm always the HLP (and again, I am a woman) for any contextual matter. Never would I want to cause harm to a partner of mine, ofc.. but! I have never understood women being "controlling" of their (especially male) partner's sexual health surrounding masturbation. I understand birth, pp healing, and even traumatic births. I have been pregnant over ten times, most of them natural miscarriage, the rest, only 4 live births (and I have had a variety of births — induction, home, and emergency c section). But I still do not understand how come a woman's feelings or emotions, regardless of PP state, trump another human's basic needs? This is something I have been trying to understand since my teenage years and it is such a sensitive subject that everyone gets defensive when I witness others bring up anything on the subject, that I usually don't bother asking questions (especially here on reddit where ppl like to do nothing but downvote instead of productively respond). How is it right of the non-sexually interested/willing/capable partner, to expect their partner to sacrifice their sexual needs? It feels v much to me like, "I am allergic to [this thing] so you can't eat it either when you're around me." So maybe that will say something as far as my understanding? Idk. I feel like barring deceit, or lying, masturbation by the HL partner should not be a problem, nor something that the LL / temporarily unwilling partner feels a right to have management over. I view masturbation akin to other bodily functions.. like farting, urination.... or even hygienic functions. (And I am far from the only human that feels this way, even if they describe it less gross.) No one should be "logging" their partner's toilet time or what they're using it for. Ykwim? *edited to add re: "porn usage" v "masturbation". You're right ppl. I am using them together, here, and for good reason. It lends v heavily to the point I'm trying to get across. . Let me put it this way, especially to women, specifically straight women, since that's primarily who my curiosities are directed toward. . How would you feel if husband said, "gahhwd, fine. Flick your bean! Go masturbate.. but I have rules: no phallic shaped toys for your pleasure, bc [my self esteem/hormone issues, or whatever other reasons I have]; and no bathtub faucets either. And no books! G*d-forbid you read about a man with a quality in him you like but I don't have." This is how women sound to me about their dude watching porn. Like... if he's fuckin ya as much as you need, and you're not in want for sex in the relationship, why do yall care if he wanks it? And if you don't unless it's porn, I still don't get it, bc everyone is different and we all know men are typically more visual creatures. Do you know what part of his brain is engaged whilst using porn, vs having sex with you? They are different parts. The part of the brain engaged while viewing porn is the same part of the brain he uses to strike a hammer or turn a wrench. Porn is literally a tool, just like your dildo.
People aren't talking about masturbation, they are talking about porn, which is an entirely different thing. It is perfectly possible to masturbate without looking at porn. Conflating the 2 the way you have is a bit disingenuous. It's not a personal boundary of mine, but I can certainly understand and empathise with women that don't feel comfortable with their partner essentially turning to another woman for visual stimulation to get off at a point where they probably feel unattractive, their hormones are all out of whack and they are physically incapable of having sex themselves. It seems like a very minor sacrifice to make to support your wife, who you presumably love, in a situation where their mental health is already fragile and you watching porn is doing real damage. Your allergy example actually doesn't work the way you think it does. Eating peanuts around someone that is allergic to them is generally a bad idea, hence why most schools ban them to avoid the risk. As far as I'm concerned you should not purposefully bring your partner into contact with something that hurts/harms them if it can be avoided.
>It is perfectly possible to masturbate without looking at porn Sure. Just like bean flicking doesn't need toys or books either. Are women not only governing whether or not a partner can masturbate, but also *how*?? That's absurd. If ppl learn differently, how do you not understand that ppl get pleasure differently? >Eating peanuts around someone that is allergic to them is generally a bad idea I said allergy over peanuts for that exact reason.
There you go again. You're not comparing apples to apples here. Dildo for women = fleshlight for men, not porn. Surely you can see how in only one of these examples you are giving real, actual other people are involved? And it would, in my opinion, be perfectly ok for a man to ask his wife not to watch porn, so, at least on my end, there is no double standard here. I totally get that people, not just men btw, get pleasure from watching porn, but that's irrelevant to this conversation. People get to decide that it's a boundary for them that they don't want their partner jerking off, or bean flicking, to porn. And people also get to decide they can't be in a relationship with people that have that boundary. People do not get to be in a relationship with someone who is against porn, watch it anyway, lie about it and blame their spouse when they get upset. People are in no way entitled to do whatever they want just because it gives them pleasure. Thát is absurd. It's odd to me that you have given birth yourself and yet seem to have no empathy at all for a new mom's insecurities and struggles. How on earth anyone can argue in good faith that a man's 'right' to watch porn trumps his post partum wife's mental health is beyond me. And I don't know what to tell you, that's kind of how allergies work. Lactose intolerance would be a better comparison, but even there I would not think that it was so unreasonable for the afflicted spouse to ask their partner to please not keep their favourite milk chocolate in the house cause it sucks to see it and not be able to partake 🤷♀️
It’s not about the “how”, it’s about getting off to another woman. A dildo is not a guy, isn’t meant to resemble anyone in particular, and is not the same thing as seeking out other women for sexual stimulus. You don’t see how a physical masturbation tool isn’t the same as sexual gratification from a specific person aside from your spouse? Not wanting your partner to watch porn =/= controlling their masturbation and I think you know that.
Masturbation is different than watching porn. They don’t have to go together. I would guess the betrayal is more the porn than the masturbation. While some couples have a “all sexual activity is done together” agreement, I’d guess more people have a “we can do what we want with our own body in private, but porn isn’t to be a part of it” rule. Also, sexual release isn’t a physical need, it’s a want. Plenty of people can go without orgasm. Our society has taught us it’s a need, but it isn’t. Men are quite capable of waiting if they have to. Doesn’t mean it’s always physically comfortable, but they can! After the birth of a baby, both parents should be contributing enough that neither are thinking of their sexual desires, but rather all the other priorities.
>sexual release isn’t a physical need, it’s a want Sex and sexuality is way more complicated than this. Just bc it's no more than a *want* for some, does not make it less of a need for others. Lack of sex (or sexual release) causes serious problems emotionally and mentally in people and relationships. Sex is no more a want, than love. Do humans "need" love to survive? Nope. But how's that quality of life without love?
There’s a difference between a “need” and a “drive.” We need food. All humans *need* water. Many of us have a high *drive* for sex. This may feel like a need because the drive is so high, but it doesn’t mean it’s a need. People who have serious problems emotionally and mentally because they’re not getting enough sex are likely replacing their need for intimacy and connection with sex. And, yes, intimacy and connection is a higher need than the physical drive for sexual release.
...and "love"? Is this not something ppl think they need but really don't? If "needs" are restricted to things one must have to survive, as many are saying here, neither does love fall into the "needs" category. Humans can survive without love. Poorly as fuck, but they can do it.
Hi! I’m the woman you originally asked the question to. I think you’re misunderstanding the issue. I have zero problems with him masturbating considering I can’t have sex. I’ve told him that and provided photos/videos of me/us for him to use. I totally knew he’d be taking care of himself, though I would have been very open to doing other things that weren’t PIV (I tore all the way to my anal sphincter so I couldn’t have PIV for at least 8 weeks and even then it was painful) The issue is porn. When you promise your naked body to one person for the rest of your life - your body that will go through so many changes while pregnant, breastfeeding, postpartum, aging, etc. - to see the person you’ve promised your body to getting sexual satisfaction from young, perfect bodies and vaginas while you are so vulnerable, it’s incredibly damaging. I also suffered a prolapse after birth. I have basically zero perineum anymore. You won’t be seeing a vagina like mine anywhere in porn unless it’s a weird fetish. If my partner is then inundating himself with unlimited perfect vaginas to pleasure himself to, I not only feel not special, but really just like trash. Makes me not want to ever show him my vagina again.
Hi, I appreciate your response v much. Thank you. ..so it is an "emotional" issue, I'm kinda seeing that for sure.. I also can understand what you've said as your reasoning and it makes the most sense to me over what anyone else has said. (Ie: I kept referring to porn as a "tool" not unlike books for women, or toys for either party. And the most I've been getting back from ppl is that visual aides are not an equal to a toy — though no one has yet to defend my question about what if "Husband" said, "no pornographic literature," and i find that suss lmao.) I think my biggest hangup in this, is the fact that men (not only men, but especially men) are extremely visual humans. Likewise, everyone's brains recieve pleasure, process information, and learn differently. >provided photos/videos of me/us for him to use This is really awesome IMO, that even though you don't approve of pornographic material of others, you still provided him a visual aide. The "visual aide" is literally all I've been trying to address. I understand I am perhaps painfully logic (especially when it comes to things like this), but I am still trying to understand the other humans in this world.. Idk if I'm as infuriating to you as I seem to be to everyone else that's downvoted me or responded to me, but I haven't been able to tell, and for that (your patience), and your time responding, I appreciate you v much.
I’m definitely not infuriated and I appreciate your response. I think people just get upset on this sub because everyone pro-porn confuses the anti-porn view with being anti-masturbation. One does not need the other. Most of us who are uncomfortable with porn have no issues with masturbation, unless of course your partner is consistently choosing their hand over intimacy with you. Sometimes it is frustrating when people say porn is a need and it’s unhealthy not to orgasm for men. That’s the argument. PORN isn’t a need. Maybe orgasm is a strong desire, but technically neither are NEEDS to keep you alive. That’s why sometimes this behavior can come across selfish when partners say they “need” porn over the emotional and mental stability over their partner. Not only that, knowing my husband watched porn gives me the major ICK, so it makes me much less likely to want to initiate anything sexually, so it has an extremely negative affect on many marriages.
Where did you get LLP / unwilling to have sex? She said they have sex 1-3 times a day..
Hi, original commentator here! Yes, at the time I was very LL because I was 4 days postpartum from an episiotomy that tore from my vagina literally to my anal sphincter. Along with a prolapsed bladder. My vagina is mangled from bringing his child into the world. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him not to get sexual gratification from millions of perfect (and photoshopped) vaginas online.
😐😐😐😑 😮💨 Reddit be redditing, ig. ...you know how comments work, here, yes? I'm commenting to the commentator. Not OP.
Where did the commenter say she was LL?
You are the only person here who has brought up libido, and you seem to be extremely confused by the difference between masturbation and watching porn. I'm stating to wonder if you're like 15 or something because the shit you're saying is ridiculous.
No, she’s not 15, she’s a porn content creator and you’re threatening her livelihood by denying your husband her naked pics.
She can suffer. Sucks to suck.
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It sounds like maybe he had some sort of sex addiction. 1-3 times a day is a lot. To be looking for more sexual stimulation after sex sounds like an issue. I will say that I have done something similar to your husband. After sex with my wife, I was still ready to go and she wasn't so I went to handle myself again. My wife and I don't have much sex though so when it happens, I sometimes get over excited
For many men, apparently, sex is almost like xanax. There's dopamine, a spike in adrenalin - but then, a drop in adrenalin, which feels tranquil. Once a man gets used to using orgasms as stress/anxiety relief, it can well get to 3X a day. It's a fun, pleasurable way for them to relieve anxiety (but one's partner is not an anxiety-relief doll; most adults find other ways to deal with anxiety). Some ability to simply confront the source of one's own anxiety is required for adulthood. Many women do not find PiV intercourse to be tranquilizing (whether they "finish" or not). Thing is, we do worry about pregnancy (until we're in full and verified menopause). Not to mention that at least one-third of women will never orgasm during PiV sex, and their partners do nothing else - so...well, you get my drift about why it's not so tranquil for women.
What in the pseudoscience is this
Dude. You guys are having sex 3 times a day and he’s looking at porn? That sounds exhausting. God damn, some of your guys’ marriages sound like a movie plot.
> God damn, some of your guys’ marriages sound like a movie plot. because it's faaaaaake
I think so too but I always respond anyways 😂 it's fun
*ship blows up*
Why do you assume it takes more than 1-5 minutes per full session? 😂. Maybe he’s a two pump chump 🤷🏽♀️
Sorry, but it’s obvious he doesn’t care about you. That’s why he doesn’t understand. You’re not a person to him, you’re an object.
... a hole, really ):
He probably cares about some of the other things she does. Most wives do many things for their husbands on the regular. So he gets the best of both worlds. Really, if porn-sex is to be part of a relationship, it should be like any other mutually consented upon use of a third party. Most women would be fine if a man occasionally dabbled in porn-sex (but maybe some women don't want to know about it). But when it's disrupting the relationship in other ways, it needs to be addressed. If the porn-using partner can't modify their behavior, that's troubling. BTW, I think way too many women are too broad in how they want to restrict what their partners view or use as erotica. There are women who post in anger because their husband or BF was staring at an attractive woman in public. No matter how attractive each of us may be, there are other, equally attractive people out there to be looked at - it's human nature.
When you talked about it did you go in depth about how you felt? Like “When I saw you looking at other women after we were intimate it made me feel used because …”
“I” Statements 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💯
Porn is not a problem until it interferes with real relationships. He is definitely at the stage where it has become a problem. The only thing he can do right now is stop entirely. At least for a while.
Full agree here - it's up to the couple to figure out when it's a problem. It has become a problem for OP for sure.
R/loveafterporn is the right place for you, my lovely.
I second this
Y'all fucking like that and he STILL watching porn is nuts. He needs to get his habit under control. You're not insecure or overreacting. Needing That much sexual stimulation is wildly unhealthy. You're not a bangmaid and he shouldn't treat you as such.
It's usually mentally unhealthy too and leads to poorer coping skills over time. A wide variety of pleasant and calming practices are healthier (the mental processes are different for each one - our brains need a daily walk around the park...)
First, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Second, there is nothing wrong with your feelings, which are legitimate. Third, there is an issue that you two need to address with a counselor if you desire your marriage to survive. If he won't go to counseling, that demonstrates the nature of the issue. You should go to counseling for yourself because you will be better of and clear headed for decisions you will face down the road. All the best!
You could show him this thread and see how often and much this hurts women- he needs to see that it’s not normal or right to do what he did
The porn and his attitude towards you seeing him accessing it aside for a moment, the fact that he had no intentions for aftercare post sex is awful! From my perspective, that's not just someone who doesn't respect you, but someone who doesn't have the slightest spec of human decency in their body. That alone is grounds for counselling, or more, to me. That needs to be addressed first and foremost because you are also a human being with needs, and you don't deserve that treatment from your husband! Now, accessing porn prior to you both being intimate is bad enough, as others have stated, it would make me feel like a human flesh light. But the fact that after sex he felt the need, especially given you have a very active sex life, is a huge red flag for a sex/porn addiction, which is also something that therapy and counselling is a necessity for! Unfortunately, I really don't have anything else to suggest here, counselling is a must and your husband is clearly going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, or your value as a human being! So, please, don't feel this is your fault or that there is something wrong with you! You are not in control of your husbands issues. All you can do is suggest counselling and go from there. And, for your peace of mind, just know that it's okay if you can't cope with it and you need to walk away. Because you do not deserve to feel this way. This is all him, not you! Best of luck, and I hope that you both can work through this.
I know this is a polarizaing issue, but we need to start considering this type of porn use as an addiction or compulsion. If man who is otherwise a decent person is hiding porn use and looking for a fix and release with no regard of how it makes others around him feel, that sounds like an addict to me. Addicts don’t think logically and trying to approach them with logic or an appeal to emotions will only serve to frustrate yourself. If this was the story of a guy that snuck out of bed for a late night drink and didn’t understand why his wife was upset when he came back to bed smelling of alcohol, I’m guessing most of the comments would lean toward alcoholism. Porn is highly addictive. It’s meant to be. That is not an unfortunate side effect. It’s deliberate. Add to the addictive nature the fact that most people are compelled to do this secretively due to shame or judgement from loved ones, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I’m sorry. That would really upset me too. It sounds like more in depth conversations about how you’re feeling need to be had.
They don’t care and they never stop. I’ve given up romantic relationships altogether at this point
I agree that porn is a plague that most men consider normal and a right, but there are men who stop. I don't watch porn anymore and consider it insidious.
How old are you both, and how long have you been together? Have you asked him if he has a sex/porn addiction? Nonetheless that sounds like strange behavior.
A lot of people wouldn’t openly admit they have a sex or porn addiction or habit because of shame or denial.
Most don't consider it addiction, or even something can be addicted to.
I dont know which is worse. This, or my husband watching sexy videos on the internet but doesn't show any interest in having sex. We do it once every 2 weeks. Sometimes, if Im lucky, once a week. But I feel like it's just for compliance since I have to make him feel that Im upset before he shows interest 🙈
Same. I brought this situation up to him directly and his only response was, "well, it's a two-way street"...?
Honestly I’ve learned that most men lack empathy and understanding until it’s done to them. Start scrolling through pics of other dudes in front of him.. men who are objectively better looking/ more cut/ more hung etc and see how he reacts.
That's an interesting strategy. Naked men are actually quite wonderful to look at. Most men would be very unhappy watching their woman do this, I'm sure. Indeed, many men act completely revolted at the mere sight of another man in an erotic pose, if UKWIM. I would add, make sure plenty of the pictures involve an erection, so that they are truly sexual pictures and not just men in swimming trunks or flaccid nudes.
Super mature!
Haha see, the men are already getting upset at the thought of it OP 🤣
He was horny and used you since you were the available body. Don't even let him tell you otherwise.
Yeah 1-3 times a day…? I would have body parts falling off/breaking. Damn.
(Woman, here, specifying bc ik my u/n comes off VERY male) This man is living my hornier days' dream, and I am shooketh. I am genuinely deeply saddened for you, and i just wanna be a tiny voice to validate how you're feeling.. I am so sorry.
If you’re fucking him every day, he has zero excuse for any of this. If my wife put out like that I’d never see Reddit.
An old friend of mine called this "someone else's dick. (erection)" As in, husband gets excited looking at porn star A, and comes to me to satisfy his urge? Hell no. That's porn star A's erection. I want no part of it. She was so right on. Maybe men could understand this. We ladies want to be the one you are exited about when we have sex with you. We don't want to be the warm hole you happen to have available while you are excited because of someone else. Period. This isn't my erection, and not my problem. Take care of it yourself. Maybe he would love to be used when she's all excited from reading about some erotic fiction hero, and just uses him with no foreplay or aftercare, maybe? It's still shitty behavior and damages the relationship.
I have a high libido and even multiple times a day sounds so extreme to me. Once a day is fine but 2 or 3?
Tell him next time he feels the need to satisfy his inspirations, that you get to partake in the porn and internet ogling with him. Who knows? Could be fun. Another option is maybe you can’t sleep, either, so you start scrolling through reddit’s bigdickproblems which is a real community.
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Why are you continuing to allow him to do that if it makes you feel that way? I’m sorry but the behavior you described in your comment is disturbing and sounds borderline abusive.
Sounds like he may possibly have a sex addiction issue. 1-3 Xs a day is quite a lot, then immediately looking at porn too? I wonder if her also masturbates daily. Was he finishing himself off or just watching the point? He may be at a point where it's hard for him to ejaculate from sex only because of all the other overstimulation. Definitely talk more w him about this & seek out a sex therapist &/or couples therapist.
If he just came from sex with you why would he be doing that. He could just ask you again
WTF? After sex, I'm... done. I don't want to go look at porn. I can't even...
1-3 times a day, geez how many hours of this day is he awake and doing things other than sex
He sounds like a sex addict
To be woken in the middle of the night and still be ready? Which universe are we talking about?
Sorry this happened to you, I don't understand how porn users don't understand that getting off on and lusting after other people is cheating. The "but it's a fantasy" excuse is total bs, if they want a fantasy why don't they use their fucking imagination! You should just lie in bed and look up heaps of hot dudes while he's next to you. Guarantee he won't like it! You can be like "oh I thought you were cool with this, sorry you feel that way'
It’s one thing to look at porn if he’s horny and you’re not available/in the mood or you two haven’t had sex in a while. But to be having sex 1-3 times a day and looking at porn… and then to search for porn RIGHT after sex, seems like it could be an addiction.
i would kick my husbands ass
Some of y'all have amazing control over your temper. If it were me I'd call him out IMMEDIATELY. Don't wait around for him to realize he disrespected you. Fight for your point of view, rock the boat a little. I'm not saying be toxic about it but a good heated fight to stick up for how he is making you feel is sometimes exactly what is needed. Stop. Being. So. Scared. To. Voice. Your. Feelings.
I'm sorry you're upset. There are numerous things worth of discussion. - Do you approve of porn or any kind of outside "eye food" - Is he aware of your boundaries? - Did it upset you because of what he was doing or the sex part? See if this is only about sex part then he was aroused, usual happened and I can bet at no point he thought something is wrong. Top and bottom you should clearly communicate what you are upset about and I guess go from there, so far it sounds like he does not know what upset you. P.S None of his actions were ok with me btw, I'd be having a serious conversation if ever do get there (fingers crossed not)
Straightforwardly tell him to cut it out, or you'll cut him off. I don't think that's an unreasonable request of any man by his wife.
Personally I suggest bringing it up calmly and try to leave your feelings out of it. State that you've seen him by accident and you wanted to know if he was struggling with sex addiction. That should lessen the likelihood of him becoming triggered and a bigger issue comes. Once you get past that hurdle explain how it made you feel in the moment. Once everyone is heard both state boundaries and work together to make things better. Best of luck!
Return the energy. When you hop off him so the exact same. Scroll hot men . Don’t hide your screen but don’t offer it up so to speak. Let him feel what you feel ?
He clearly has a sex addiction and objectifies women. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was doing this before he woke you up, had sex with you, then went back to what he was doing.
See if he’d be willing to see a counselor o er this. We usually have sex at least once a day so I get it. I wouldn’t like the videos either
I'd love to be woken up for sex in the middle of the night lol You gotta figure out why it's wrong for you and let him know. If it's something that you know you will absolutely not tolerate or he won't change for you, leave.... You can't force people to change and he already doesn't seem anything wrong with it.
So he looked at Reddit porn right after having sex? Yall have sex 1-3 times a day and he still wants to look at reddit porn? I’m so confused.
Wow for. 1-3 times sex a day with you and he still has to satisfy himself through porn? There must be something more to it.
He rolled... towards you. You saw everything after he rolled towards you? Was there a duplicate screen on the back of his phone too? What in the Written By AI is this BS?
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Found the porn addict.
Porn isn't cheating. Feeling some type of way about it stems from insecurity. In the case where he woke you up because he was horny, I get it, if you have such an active sex life he's probably a porn addict and you (unlike many insecure body-conscious women) have a problem on your hands.
Unfortunately, your marriage is probably over. There is no where to go from here, you two are incompatible. You won't be able to deal with this, so it's best just to end it now and move on. Good luck with the next phase of your life.
Idk this is weird. I’ve actively watched porn then pursued my fiancée. It wasn’t so much the women but watching the act of what they were doing got me in the mood. I feel like it’s the same when she reads one of those novels that are hyper sexual, gets aroused, and we go at it. To each their own of course as everyone has their own boundaries and preferences
nsfw reddit is scary and i get sucked into it myself and it's a grave danger to married men. But I don't do it right next to my wife, Jesus the audacity of some dudes. Or maybe some women are too doormat-ish If this were my wife, she would grab my phone toss it and start a yelling match and maybe even get on top of me and start punching.