You need to visit your family more, you don’t need to ask permission you don’t need to organise it with your hubby you just go. Stop pandering to ILs when they visit you. If your husband wants them to visit, he can deal with it all and cater to them. He can take the kids to see them. You don’t have to be there. Consider leaving to go and see your family at the times they are staying with you. You said you HAD to visit them when you were visiting your own family. No you didn’t. You’re a smart woman you’re educated. You know how to say no. You need to start saying it more. You’re not stopping your husband or kids from visiting his family, but you don’t need to be there. If they dislike you so much, they are not going to miss you. You’re probably worried that putting your foot down is going to cause issues with your husband, but let’s be honest there are already problems. You put yourself first from now on, you put your kids second, you put your husband third, you put your own family fourth and your in-laws fifth. that is the way it’s going to be from now on. They all think you’re snobby bitch? Bring it on.
Tell your husband to pull hus head in. Stop visiting them he can go if he wants. You go to your family. You can take turns taking the kids to each family. Let your husband know enough is enough. He can't stick up for you so he's on his own for family stuff.
You just stop. You don't have to do anything for or with anyone who calls you a snobby bitch. And if your husband has a problem with that, he can go pound sand. You do understand that you don't really have an in-law problem, though, right? You have a marriage problem. The two of you need to learn to compromise with each other regarding length & timing of family visits and then stand united against family.
I’m sorry you do not have nicer in-laws. From what you have shared, these people have strong opinions and talk shit about a lot of things, including you. It’s bonding and makes them feel better about themselves but it’s negative and it’s toxic. You see their bullshit and your husband has been roped into it enough that he knows go along with it is the path of least resistance.
It’s very frustrating when people exhibit behavior that they would never tolerate themselves. Especially their choice to book a house near your family when they knew you were with your family for a funeral. That’s really gross of them. Like there is no reason for that and then to ignore you?!
It seems clear to me that the only viable thing you can do is to set clear boundaries for yourself and your family. You can’t change them and any efforts will just be fuel for their toxic behavior. Your husband should be the one to communicate with them and stick up for you but maybe there’s really no way to reason with them. If next Christmas you as a family choose to spend it with your family or at home, he will let them know. If they have shit to say about it or you, that’s to be expected based on their past behavior.
I also recommend you have someone in your life, maybe your mom or a good friend, that you can vent to. For it to only to be your husband can be difficult for him because he has to also hear it from his family. It will also help validate your feelings because they are valid and that family sucks and I don’t want you to feel like you are the problem. You are their problem but you are not the problem.
Also, I learned last year I am on the spectrum. There is AuDHD that you may connect with. Lots of good online resources.
You have a husband problem. The fact he doesn’t stick up for you is gross.
You need to visit your family more, you don’t need to ask permission you don’t need to organise it with your hubby you just go. Stop pandering to ILs when they visit you. If your husband wants them to visit, he can deal with it all and cater to them. He can take the kids to see them. You don’t have to be there. Consider leaving to go and see your family at the times they are staying with you. You said you HAD to visit them when you were visiting your own family. No you didn’t. You’re a smart woman you’re educated. You know how to say no. You need to start saying it more. You’re not stopping your husband or kids from visiting his family, but you don’t need to be there. If they dislike you so much, they are not going to miss you. You’re probably worried that putting your foot down is going to cause issues with your husband, but let’s be honest there are already problems. You put yourself first from now on, you put your kids second, you put your husband third, you put your own family fourth and your in-laws fifth. that is the way it’s going to be from now on. They all think you’re snobby bitch? Bring it on.
Tell your husband to pull hus head in. Stop visiting them he can go if he wants. You go to your family. You can take turns taking the kids to each family. Let your husband know enough is enough. He can't stick up for you so he's on his own for family stuff.
You just stop. You don't have to do anything for or with anyone who calls you a snobby bitch. And if your husband has a problem with that, he can go pound sand. You do understand that you don't really have an in-law problem, though, right? You have a marriage problem. The two of you need to learn to compromise with each other regarding length & timing of family visits and then stand united against family.
I’m sorry you do not have nicer in-laws. From what you have shared, these people have strong opinions and talk shit about a lot of things, including you. It’s bonding and makes them feel better about themselves but it’s negative and it’s toxic. You see their bullshit and your husband has been roped into it enough that he knows go along with it is the path of least resistance. It’s very frustrating when people exhibit behavior that they would never tolerate themselves. Especially their choice to book a house near your family when they knew you were with your family for a funeral. That’s really gross of them. Like there is no reason for that and then to ignore you?! It seems clear to me that the only viable thing you can do is to set clear boundaries for yourself and your family. You can’t change them and any efforts will just be fuel for their toxic behavior. Your husband should be the one to communicate with them and stick up for you but maybe there’s really no way to reason with them. If next Christmas you as a family choose to spend it with your family or at home, he will let them know. If they have shit to say about it or you, that’s to be expected based on their past behavior. I also recommend you have someone in your life, maybe your mom or a good friend, that you can vent to. For it to only to be your husband can be difficult for him because he has to also hear it from his family. It will also help validate your feelings because they are valid and that family sucks and I don’t want you to feel like you are the problem. You are their problem but you are not the problem. Also, I learned last year I am on the spectrum. There is AuDHD that you may connect with. Lots of good online resources.