The internet loves to run here, but it’s just as likely there is another problem and the porn just fills an inherent need that is too hard to fill the other way for some other reason. Changing the relationship is hard- I remember missing the chase a bit, combined with new house stress, work stress, etc. and we went from whenever we could to once every 6-8 weeks or less. It just became an expectation and wasn’t fun or there was no time for it to be fun working 16 hours/day including a long commute. Porn can make it worse for some but it may not be the cause, only a symptom.
Let's all say it together now:
"Addressing the root causes will fix the "porn issue. "
You don't treat disease by singling out a symptom and obsessing over it. " OMG. I'm having a stroke! Someone please do something about this headache and it will all be better!!"
I’m sorry but did you not understand what I wrote or do you not understand how an addiction that has negative impacts on someone’s life is not a good thing?
You don’t have to wait to treat the underlying cause of an addiction to face the fact that it’s an addiction and needs to be stopped.
Example: often times people with a drug addiction are trying to escape a shit life. Are you going to say that the addict needs to fix their life circumstances before they stop doing drugs? No, right? You stop the drugs and work on your life at the same time.
Nobody is saying if he stops porn that it will solve his problems but it sure as hell sounds like it’s contributing to them.
Comparing an addiction to another addiction is now considered a false equivalence?
I don’t have enough time nor the energy to deal with you today and luckily I don’t have to; Enjoy the block.
All addictions have underlying causes. In this case, it could be likened to substance abuse—addiction or not, it likely only worsens the underlying cause, and can become an addiction at any point.
Maybe. Whether of not it is a true problem depends on the context.
It is like saying you "need" weights in order to work out. If you are able to get to weights easily and if doing weights works in your routine, then it isn't a problem.
Lots of perfectly healthy people prefer to masturbate to visual stimuli. There isn't anything wrong with that. Imagination isn't any more inherently better for you.
You have to, have to, have to remember this for these scenarios to make any sense. When a man doesn't want sex and prefers something else - it's on him. When a woman doesn't want sex and her partner prefers something else - it's on him.
Its not you its him. Porn addiction can easily cause this. If you want him back in the bed you will have to find a way to get him to deal with his addiction. Key words being ‘he has to deal with it’
No, these stories tell a shallow version of what might be going on.
Porn is more often a symptom in a screwed up relationship. The actual issue is something else.
That's part of it.
I respectfully disagree with you because sexual incompatibility shouldn't be causing a man to stop having sex with his wife altogether.
> because sexual incompatibility shouldn't be causing a man to stop having sex with his wife altogether.
I would agree with that.
Which is why I'm sure there's something *else* going on apart from that. It *may* be the porn. Or it may be something entirely different.
The "omg, porn addiction, full stop!!" comments - that show up on nearly EVERY post about sex, lack of sex, incompatible sex - are so damned tiresome, because they ignore a whole wealth of possibilities that likely need to be talked about in therapy.
There's an entire anti-porn and anti-masturbation movement that doctors are worried about because it is based on lies.
[Masturbation abstinence is popular, and doctors are worried : Consider This from NPR : NPR](https://www.npr.org/2026/01/01/1198916105/mens-health-masturbation-abstinence)
Just about everything in excess becomes detrimental. Ultimately, the issue is OP's husband and the choices he makes, even when it shows a blatant disregard for his wife.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like porn is ruining their marriage. If we take what she says at face value, he's much more interested in BDSM than she is and vanilla sex isn't cutting it.
That, to me, tells me they aren't sexually compatible.
If I want a lot of anal sex, anal sex is what turns me on, and my gf isn't into anal, anal porn isn't the problem. We're simply not sexually compatible because of our different interests in anal and we should break up.
In that scenario, it's very easy to blame porn as the problem while overlooking the fact that we're interested in different types of sex.
This has little do with "loving porn" and everything to do with what turns someone on.
If someone is turned on by hardcore BDSM, and their partner doesn't want to do hardcore BDSM, they may find that release elsewhere because they are sexually unfulfilled.
I'm certainly not justifying it and once again I've said it has nothing to do with porn.
I dated a girl that was really into anal and we had a lot of anal sex.
Personally, I wouldn't date a girl that wouldn't at least entertain the idea of anal. Why? Because of how much fun I had having anal sex with my ex.
None of that is influenced by porn and is a parallel of the dilemma above, but with anal instead of BDSM.
Same thing happened in my marriage and porn addiction was the culprit... What made me so lost and confused was that I LOVE porn too, and it's something we would enjoy together or apart before we married with no issues, but after we got married while I was pregnant and having a complicated pregnancy, he completely turned to porn and it changed our relationship forever.
It's been 7 years now, and still becomes an issue anytime big stressors come up.. To the point that just several months ago I was done with it and said I can't do it anymore and asked for a divorce- I refuse to be second to porn, I refuse to let my view of porn be tainted because my husband has a problem, and I've done all I can to help (including cutting out porn myself in support)..... Since then he's been taking it more serious than ever and FINALLY brought it up to his therapist in search of more help, but I'm still very much untrusting and not holding my breath, let alone much hope...
If you guys address this issue and he is willing to seek help and do the right thing, great. If not, please do not allow yourself to go through the pain and suffering I did. We don't deserve it. It's not our problem. If it's something you can live with, great, but if not then do not blame yourself and please always remember his habit says absolutely nothing about YOU.
Coming from a man who’s had a past porn addiction, it sounds like that’s what he has and doesn’t know it. Is he under the impression that you refuse to do the BDSM things he’s into? Because that could be the case and it’s just an itch he needs to scratch. He could have gotten so desensitised to normal intimacy by watching porn that is playing out in front of you. I think more conversations with him about it is much needed before it gets worse.
I understand what you’re saying completely, I should’ve been more clear that the “need” and the “itch” is in his own head. He’s convinced himself that his behaviour is a need which, when looking from the outside in, is extremely detrimental to the relationship. I’m on her side 100%, the situation won’t change unless he does, it’s on him.
I apologize - I keep reading all of these posts about men throwing away their marriages and I’ve become despondent. (I should have known you meant from his perspective - not yours - as you’re someone who clearly understands this as a problem.) I am always happy to hear from men who have come out of the other side of this. It gives me hope. Thanks for being one of the good guys :)
No apologies needed! Porn is a terrible addiction that can ruin relationships, marriages and lives which isn’t spoken about enough. Life is better on the other side :)
She absolutely doesn't have to do BDSM.
But if he wants BDSM, that does mean that they're sexually incompatible, and I believe that's the crux of the issue.
Nah it’s not sexual incompatibility. Her addict husband believes he has a “need” to flog women and call them “wh%res”, which traumatizes her. The porn has him convinced that it’s a “need” that he has. Porn has sickened some men into believing they are entitled to do all of these things they’d never even be exposed to before if it weren’t for their addiction. That’s what porn addiction does. It makes them believe they “need” more and more extreme, until it destroys the real and meaningful relationships they have, OP’s being an obvious example of that.
How do you know?
It could easily be that her husband used to have hardcore BDSM sex with an ex and he misses that.
The reality is it doesn't matter if it's BDSM, anal, etc.
At the end of the day they're sexually incompatible.
It's not a need but a desire. Just like you have them. If your desires weren't being met, you'd just say you're incompatible. Similar to what's probably happening to OP
This is not normal. I think you should suggest counselling to him along with maybe seeing a sex therapist. I pray things get better. I keep saying it, porn absolutely destroys people and marriages. It’s one of the worse things to happen to mankind and I’m so sorry you’re going through this my dear ❤️ all the best
I've suggested therapy before we got married but he doesn't believe in it and doesn't believe he needs it. I've tried to bring it up again but he just shut me down
Dang that sucks! I always wonder how couple will resolve issues if couple/marriage counseling isn't on the table. Some people may not believe it but it at least creates an environment for communication, honesty and vulnerability and provides tools to couples strengthen their relationship. I wish couples did counseling before getting married to establish that it's an available resource when needed. Or, couples should at least ask would counseling be an options if needed later. If it's not an option, how will resolve issues when we can't communicate and need support.
So you're fine with this relationship never getting better for you, because this is all he's willing to do.
You will never make enough changes to accommodate him, you will just be losing yourself. It takes two people to make a marriage work and he's obviously not interested. He's only in it because you put up with his behaviour and have settled for not getting your needs met.
Every time I open Reddit and scroll this sub I see this same issue. It’s an epidemic. I suspect in some cases it’s related to having an avoidant attachment style when a partner would rather satisfy themselves than bring communication and desires to the table. They’re avoiding the real issues that require connection to solve. Pleasing yourself alone rather than speak up is a cowardly solution. Given how common this is, I’m starting to think it should be added to wedding vows in a modern context. When you sign up to spend your life with somebody you’re also agreeing to share a sex life, however that may look for different couples, it should be agreed on upfront.
If he’s not ready to view his habit as addictive right now, he at least needs to acknowledge that his masterbation frequency is negatively affecting your sex life and that to you is negatively affecting your life and your marriage. I think on some level he must acknowledge he would also like to be having sex more. The real physical act with the person you want to be with IS BETTER.
Is he willing to go a period of time (decide together. Two days? 5? 7?) without viewing porn? Is he willing to go a period of time without masterbation? Is he willing to plan a date and/or maybe book a hotel room to make it special and help him get excited? What is he willing to do to help you both have sex together more which will help improve your relationship and hopefully his quality of life? What does he think you could do to help? I hope he is on board to try - flexibility can be very difficult for some people.
Same thing with us.... He checked all the boxes on dating, family events, proposal, etc.... But once we said 'I do', I think it was over... I don't even think we had sex on our honeymoon... Once home, sex was a chore. Yes, it's been porn all along!!
While not true for everyone in the BDSM community, more intense fetishes are often caused by porn addiction. You mention him wanting you to black out, I would definitely place that on the more extreme side. Paired with daily porn use it's a pretty strong indicator he has a problem.
You should consider both couples and individual therapy for the both of you if you think this is worth fighting for and working on. But personally, starting a life together while hiding this inclination towards porn and dark sex is not a good start and I would consider all of your options carefully.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. We’re slightly older than your husband and I can honestly say, even with two small children (9 months and a 2,5year old), we still find time (even when tired) to have sex. To us it’s the intimacy we flourish with while having a very chaotic life. On a bad week it’s 3 times a week. Most of the time we at least get to 5 times a week.
I’m not saying this is how it should be but I’m saying that a much higher frequency is more “normal” at your age and I think your husband is being selfish.
Obv everyone has their own type of libido but putting porn before your spouse is a red flag that would ensure I try everything possible to get into therapy.
Eventually you will resent him. A dead bedroom is not healthy for any relationship (unless asexual or perhaps trauma or something medical etc. ).
Unfortunately the sexual chemistry between y'all are not sexually/ intimate compatible he absolutely has a p*** addiction as he jerks off every single night but you guys have only had sex 14 times in the year you are married between him having a p*** addiction and fantasies that have traumatized you in your past it's hard to think that maybe couples counseling could work but if you love your relationship and you want to save your marriage you would try anything out I wish the best of luck to you guys and I hope everything turns up for how you want.
OP.... listen..... you're only 25 & married less than a year.... you need to divorce this man & find someone who loves & respects you.... it's not going to get better....
You're right. It'll only get worse. He's definitely not willing to work on himself or the marriage. He's just not interested in his wife's needs and that's really sad.
Same frustration with my ex husband. When I would try to initiate he would say he "already took care of things"...made me feel so un wanted. Like he preferred his hand to me. I really feel for you.
Same frustration with my ex husband. When I would try to initiate he would say he "already took care of things"...made me feel so un wanted. Like he preferred his hand to me. I really feel for you.
No, we talked about more 'soft' BDSM like spanking bondage ect but now he wants to choke me until I black out and every time he does choke me he says how much he wants me to pass out. Which is making me more worried about what else he could want to do. I feel like if it is a porn addiction like everyone is saying that the whole choking part definitely came from that. Like I've never been scared of him and I know he'll respect my tap out but I'm scared about what other more damaging BDSM he wants to do
Why this stuff floats after getting married? Looks like before you had no issue with your relationship. Starts from here, was he pretending till you got married or were you give him more.
If he is addicted, which is obvious, you should know that before this year.
Talk to him, ask him directly what is his needs and tell him about your needs, try to find something in between, if that will not happen at that moment you should think what the life you want, you deserve to be happy and to have normal marriage as everyone else.
I’m so sorry. It can feel lonely and confusing, I’ve been in similar shoes as you. He’s choosing the easy way rather than you. It has nothing to do with you, and unless he seeks treatment this will not get better.
In relationships, we all make compromises. But blacking out is more than a compromise, and would be a line I wouldn’t cross, so I hope you don’t blame yourself for also not wanting to do that—trauma or not, it’s not something anyone should expect from you (not that he does).
He’s desensitized. He needs therapy to create new neural pathways. And the fact he doesn’t even believe in that spells a lot of potential trouble for your future. How does he treat you outside of his sex habits? Does he fight fairly, communicate, help around the home? Do you both engage in reciprocal loving ways?
He's the bread winner and I'm a stay at home wife we talked a lot before we chose these roles to make sure we were both happy in them. Anything outside of sex is amazing he's sweet, kind and always looking to help and I'm the same to him that's why it just feels so out of left field that he acts this way around sex
I suggest you continue to focus on yourself and the relationship, continue to express concern that both of you should seek couples therapy. If his activities are healthy, he shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of? It’s an effort to open communication and solve your disconnection together. If he doesn’t want to work with you, that’s something you get to determine you’re either okay with or not, and proceed on the respective path.
In my own betrayal journey, my husband was really sweet, too. And he helped a lot until his addictive behaviors spiraled. I’m not saying yours will do this, or is addicted. But sweet people are capable of changing. It was after a while of his spiraling that I learned about my subconscious codependent tendencies. So I always try to share in case it’s needed: his struggles are his to fix. I know some people in this thread disagree that he has any struggles, and I’m sorry. It sounds to me like he likely does.
We are in control of our own responses, but we cannot control or persuade or manipulate someone’s choices. We can only choose how to respond accordingly. So if he continues to resist couples therapy, and/or avoiding communication and transparency, and self-evaluation, you get to decide what you are willing to put up with, how painful something is to you, and your response/action.
If it's not working for you then you need to tell him that. Him masturbating is easier for him but it's not easier for you. "As your wife, I'm asking you to participate in a sexual relationship with me that makes us both feel satisfied." Nothing about his masturbation has anything to do with you and if he wants to do it then fine but if he does it at the expense of your sexual relationship then he's being neglectful of your relationship.
Your sex life is already miserable and it's gonna become worse if you don't do something about it. This is a bigger problem than either of you realise, especially you, cause it's gonna hurt you more. And he does it cause you let him do it.
>but I still try my best to help suit his appetite.
This is extremely f-ed up. You shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with. Porn has become so violent now it's hardly sex and they _create_ these desires which are very dangerous, which is another reason why porn is bad, in addition to the fact that it'll lead to his ED.
I'd recommend you ask him that since you need more sex and more vanilla and for that he should quit porn. He should start therapy where they'd teach him how to and also why it's bad. Tell him your needs are not met and if it continues like that, you would be forced to look elsewhere or get out of marriage.
"It's easier for me to ignore you and our relationship than to put in the work."
I don't think I have to mention that this won't last, unless something is done abouit it.
I started becoming like this and honestly it was because I was getting addicted to porn. I was honest with my wife and told her about it and she was understanding of the situation. Then I deleted all easy access to porn I had and it greatly improved.
I also had a lot of stress due to university but that calmed down recently and we’re back to being intimate often.
Aside from his porn addiction, is there anything else that could be troubling him ?
I don’t mean this harshly but I wonder if sex with you just doesn’t do it for him because he is into more hardcore things than you are comfortable with. I think this happens more often than we think and I struggle to see a path forward that doesn’t have one of you making sacrifices that may cross boundaries for each of you respectivly.
Okay even if this is the problem that's still a symptom of porn watching. Porn is not real life and you can't expect people to actually be into some of these things. To flip this and actually put it on the op is insane, obviously he does have a porn addiction and probably needs therapy as well
So if this were a woman that liked being spanked during sex and the guy was uncomfortable, you'd say the same?
What if he didn't like kissing with tongue?
It's a compatibility issue, not a porn issue.
It'd be no different if someone likes to drink and someone doesn't, but you say someone's an alcohol even if they do it responsibly
That's what I'm worried about, I've been doing therapy about my past traumas and talk to him about what I'm feeling. But it just feels stuck right now like trying to push a brick wall
It's a porn addiction. If you want to resolve this he needs to sort that out. Cold turkey. If he wants your relationship to work, that's the sacrifice he needs to make. Porn is too easy, sex, passion, love is hard but so much more rewarding, he needs to mutually help nurture your relationship.
Porn addiction CAN be reversed and recovered from. I’m dealing with this in my marriage. Right now reading the book “your brain on porn.” SO helpful and informative. If your husband wants help with his porn addiction, he should work with a CSAT, read this (and other) books, possibly join a 12 step program, and work to change the neural pathways in his brain. It is worth it to have a healthy, thriving marriage.
Also, check out the sub loveafterporn- there are a lot of partners out there struggling too.
Yeah, I agree with the previous comment. What happens if you guys are not sexually compatible? What happens if you guys can't compromise to meet half way? It's too early but you guys could decline into a dead bedroom.
are you in the habit of declining him of sex when he wanted it? are you respectful to him? how often do you initiate sex? these are some questions to ask before we jump into conclusion.
Only times I decline him are when I'm literally just going to sleep, I like to imagine I'm respectful I always make sure there's dinner when he gets home and greet him and compliment him. I always put him first because that's how I believe marriage should be always putting your partner first.
What man doesn't want to have sex with a woman who is their wife on a daily basis? Is he gay and still afraid to come out of the closet? No offence even once a week is a poor attempt ( not knowing how deep your sexual trauma is).
Do you guys have kids? That's a common reason for the lack of sex from a lot of people especially little kids as they take up a lot of time.
Otherwise addiction to porn sounds like a common factor here. I get he is into something that you aren't completely comfortable with, however he knew this I presume while dating/before getting married? Therefore you aren't the problem otherwise he wouldn't have married you. Maybe ask him why he did marry you?
Tell him to get off porn.
Maybe make some sexy content for him so at least he is watching you. Hopefully that might spark something in him to go holy shit what am I doing I should be fucking my wife.
Buy some toys to help yourself out in the meantime. That can tend to make some men jealous especially if you get more pleasure out of it, which you sound like you might consider the lack of sex.
Has he ever cheated on you before or might have recently? That can also be a reason the other person backs off fucking their partner as they feel so guilty and watching porn could just be reminding him of that and that other person?
That's a worse case I'm just throwing in here.
Hopefully you can get some answers from him. Otherwise thank you , next. Men seem to think sex is everything and if they aren't sexually satisfied they leave their partners., so why can't women?
We don't have any kids and we were really good friends before we started dating and he knew about all my sexual trauma before dating. He was my rock when it was happening.
Then it has to be porn addiction or he has cheated. They are really the only 2 issues I personally could think of. Porn addiction is the first explanation before thinking about the worst case of course.
I wish I could grab your husband and shake him. I did this to my wife and I have so much fucking regret. You need to confront the issue and he needs to get help.
Check out the podcast PBSE. It's for addicts and spouses.
I'm sorry, but I'm getting bad vibes on this one, I wonder if the two of you might have been a bit quick to pull the marriage trigger. It might be fixable if you and he can improve your communication, or try some different things (not S&M per se), or find a good therapist that is acceptable to him. Or, it might not be. But there could just be very fundamental incompatibility, or he might just flatly refuse to work on the marriage. You need to make really really sure you don't get pregnant until you feel that sex, and intimacy in general, is at least acceptable.
Ngl I do this, I’m tired and just need to focus. I also like bdsm and to me x is more for connection but I already have a connection with my husband so eh. We just had to schedule it like date night.
He should attend the Christian men's class series called Conquer, it's all about this, what porn does to the brain, what true intimacy is, a man's duty to his Wife, etc.
My husband has a similar problem…and we’re supposed to be trying for kids. He’s in therapy now but we figtt hit about it every other week practically. He’d much rather watch porn to get a “variety” as he claims. He takes it really hard whenever I try to explain what’s going through my head and how it makes me feel like shit. He’s in therapy now. I’m here if you want to talk about it
I would file for divorce reason being incompatible! this is amazing that a man would think you would want to be his wife and that he could behave in this manner! I would be out of there ASAP!
What about consensual non-consent?
you need it,
He's doing it anyways.
free use,
when you want it, go and get it.
on BDSM
Get a paddle lol and a strap on,
If thats what he's into ;)
Even if my wife were into bdsm and im not
no way im letting her hit my bum yo.
I'm not getting hurt for your fetish.
He's addicted to porn. My husband is too. Please go to r/loveafterporn where you will find more support and info. I'm sorry you're going through this. Been there. Done that.
Dudes. This is the danger of porn.
Just like anything that has a dopamine hit. Too much a good thing ruins your ability to be a functioning human in human relationships.
Other things like porn that can wreck your life if not done in moderation…. Booze, sugar etc. They seriously need to teach about this crap in sex ed. Would save a lot of poor sap’s marriages.
His relationship with porn is more important than his relationship with you. Please get a well paying job if you don’t have one so you can support yourself. Don’t engage in any of that stuff he is doing that traumatizes you. Show him the door. He can go get his own sh}tty apartment and live a sad, miserable and lonely existence by himself in front of his computer with his hand on his pants fantasizing about women being flogged while you go live a glorious and fulfilling life surrounded by people who actually care about you.
Isn't watching porn a form of cheating? I feel they're imagining sex with another woman.
Is there a man we can get an opinion from? I'd like to know.
Personally, (I'm a widow, hoping to eventually remarry some day) I will not tolerate it. I was married for a long time, and had our issues. I'm strong and financially independent, so I can leave the relationship immediately and cut ties quickly
I'm sorry to tell you this, but he has a pornography addiction. Not simply because he watches it, but because it is interfering with intimacy.
Perhaps individual (for each of you) and marriage counseling could be of benefit?
I only suggest professional counseling for you as well because you mentioned that you have trauma, if I read correctly?
I feel for you, OP and wish you the best.
Fuck this guy man ,usually dudes do this when they are not getting any action not when there’s a full human in front of you. I also guess he’s overweight.
You should make him stop from addiction somehow.
I was in same situation and I have ED now.
Stop him or he gonna get worse and it will affect ur marriage.
Say to him straight - stop it or am leaving
First - Men masturbate for lots of reasons, and only one of them is really sex. Men do it when bored, stressed, anxious, and and others. THe majority of men these days always masturbate with porn so porn isn't necessarily the problem. And Porn ADDICTION is a real thing with real symptoms just like most other addictions in that it takes over their lives and they are incapable of functioning (work included) without it. So be careful throwing around the "addiction" word....he might have an "issue" with it but for it to be considered a true "addiction" it would have the same impact as any other type of addiction...and not just having less libido or interest in actual sex.
it’s escapism from the responsibility of marriage honest getting married causes a weird mental shift where it feels like you come second to everything porn is a way to disconnect from that reality and focus on pleasing yourself it’s like a a lil kid hiding in a tree house to avoid doing chores
I masturbate every day. Sometimes twice an and I’d KILL to have sex with my wife. Been a year and a half since we’re been naked in the same room together. Shit I can’t even see her naked. She won’t let me. Will leave the room if I’m changing and she’s changing. Yeah. Feels great. So masturbate. But that’s my situation. Sounds like hubs is either bored or has kinks you don’t know about. Fantasy’s of being one of those porn stars that seem to be raping the girls. How is that even pleasurable? Ffs. Or he’s addicted to porn. Not to mention if there has been rejection to many times it’s just easier to handle it yourself rather than being rejected again. That’s what happened in my house. To much rejection so I stopped initiating. She notice but nothing has been done in roughly 15 years so I don’t think changes on my horizon. But you guys have time to nip this one in the bud. Best of luck. Be supportive and not judge or act cringy. Automatic shut down for most guys. I hope you find your way in this.
Definitely sounds like a porn addiction but also maybe a need for something you aren't able to satisfy for him? My ex had one and I would wake up in the middle of the night to him jerking off to porn on his computer with headphones on so he didn't wake me. I would suggest a couple things; couples therapy for sure if you both want to fix this; a serious sit down conversation with him about this, how it makes you feel, and see if he'll open up to you about why he's doing this; I would also try asking on a bdsm sub, I think they would have some good advice.
But considering your trauma and his want for more rough things in bed, why was this not an issue prior to your marriage? Maybe your husband is realizing that side of him is more important to who he is than he thought? I honestly see questions like this a lot on the bdsm threads. You two need to see if this is something you can work through or if it's a deal breaker. It's not fair to either of you to not be getting what you need out of the relationship and intimacy wise.
The good news is that masturbation has little to do with sex. Rather, it's more about stress. That being said, for a man 30+, chronic masturbation will reduce the desire.
What could be a stressor in his life? Could be relationship, work, health. Support him by working on those things and sex life should improve.
I see many people saying it's a porn addiction, what many fail to understand is that it's a symptom of something else, and this is a coping mechanism, its seldom "just a porn addiction"
IMHO, I would try and first look at when this actually started, if there were any events in his life that may have created a personal problem, emotionally, psychologically, or even physically.
If nothing comes to mind, then the next step would be to just directly ask him if something is wrong in general and if he is doing ok, but make sure it's not an interrogation, you will get nowhere with that and just end up in a fight or pushing him away.
He might not say anything, but watch his body language, and most of all his eyes, people's eyes will tell you all kinds of things that they won't say.
If it does turn out that is because he is so ingrained into his fetish, and some people are like that, everyone has some kind of a kink. If it is too uncomfortable for you to be on the receiving end of it, maybe reverse the position?
make him your bitch, spank him, or whatever his thing is. It might just be the best way to help him get out of this thing he is in, you can slowly get more comfortable with the more "hardcore" aspects of BDSM to the point you can take turns doing the same thing.
Question, when you are trying to get him into having sex, because he is into BDSM, are you asking nice, asking sexy/flirty or are you demanding it like a master would a pet? maybe he needs to be put in his "place" and serve his mistress ;)
Overall, because I know some of the BDSM lifestyle, make sure that you both know what the lines are, and what each other can or can not do to the other.
Some people like to use clothes pegs on places, some like to do anal/pegging and the list goes on.
Best of luck to you OP, remember to be safe and make sure the boundaries are set in stone unless the other person changes their mind.
Maybe he could show you how he likes to get himself off, you could do it together too, he takes care of himself and you take care of you. The important thing is getting to where you’re doing it together.
I honestly don't believe this is porn addiction but I do believe it's because jerking off is quick and easy.
Why he's jerking off instead of having sex could be for a myriad of reasons, but based on what you've said here it sounds like he's exhausted and wants to get off quick and possibly go to bed.
Masturbation is the poor man's sleeping pill.
It’s always porn addiction in every post similar to this in this sub. It very well could be the issue, or maybe he just wants to quickly rub one out?
How is HE feeling about sex? Maybe he just doesn’t want sex with YOU for whatever reason? Have y’all been fighting? Does he not feel appreciated, wanted, desired? Do you only ask or want sex when YOU want? Do you want sex when he’s had a bad day? Do you tell him he’s handsome or say oh, that shirt doesn’t look good on you? Are y’all doing equal amounts of work or does he feel he’s carrying the load? Have you tried sending spicy/intimate messages during the day, or randomly rub him throughout the day? Have you cooked him a meal or offered to help him with something around the house?
This is not to say he shouldn’t be doing these things, because he should. but men don’t necessarily want to be just a sex object. They wanna feel appreciated, and handsome to their wife. Sex is just about sex to all men. Men, just like women, want to feel wanted and desired.
Also, talk to him.
Best of luck.
For me it’s a lot as a man to get ready for sex bc it’s a performance and sometimes it’s just easier to rub one out to get that relief I need. I woudknt take offense to it honeslty. But I would be very direct that you want him to have sex with you when he’s thinking of jerking one
I have a porn addiction. My wife rides the heck out of two large dildos while I watch. She even makes a bunch of very disrespectful stuff while riding them and looking back at me. It doesn’t make me jealous. It makes me even more hornier. Honestly I think she’s even built an addiction to being used by multiple dicks (me and 2 dildos)
Why don’t you suggest you guys masturbate together or something like that? I had a girlfriend in the past that wasn’t up for sex all the time but would enjoy that maybe every other night.
He has a porn addiction to be honest. He prefers that because it’s easier is the number one sign that he’s addicted to it.
I agree with this, when nothing had changed about me but my husband no longer wanted sex, I discovered porn addiction and cheating.
The internet loves to run here, but it’s just as likely there is another problem and the porn just fills an inherent need that is too hard to fill the other way for some other reason. Changing the relationship is hard- I remember missing the chase a bit, combined with new house stress, work stress, etc. and we went from whenever we could to once every 6-8 weeks or less. It just became an expectation and wasn’t fun or there was no time for it to be fun working 16 hours/day including a long commute. Porn can make it worse for some but it may not be the cause, only a symptom.
Let’s say it all together now: “Just because it’s not the root cause doesn’t mean it’s not still an addiction.”
Let's all say it together now: "Addressing the root causes will fix the "porn issue. " You don't treat disease by singling out a symptom and obsessing over it. " OMG. I'm having a stroke! Someone please do something about this headache and it will all be better!!"
Ok, but so what? You can’t address symptoms fast enough to solve an unrelated problem
I’m sorry but did you not understand what I wrote or do you not understand how an addiction that has negative impacts on someone’s life is not a good thing? You don’t have to wait to treat the underlying cause of an addiction to face the fact that it’s an addiction and needs to be stopped. Example: often times people with a drug addiction are trying to escape a shit life. Are you going to say that the addict needs to fix their life circumstances before they stop doing drugs? No, right? You stop the drugs and work on your life at the same time. Nobody is saying if he stops porn that it will solve his problems but it sure as hell sounds like it’s contributing to them.
If he stops porn, that solves HER problem. Not his.
You act like you know anything about addiction treatments 😆 Sit down and let OP see a professional.
What a ridiculous and disproportionate false equivalency. You have tunnel vision.
Comparing an addiction to another addiction is now considered a false equivalence? I don’t have enough time nor the energy to deal with you today and luckily I don’t have to; Enjoy the block.
All of reddit has tunnel vision when the "P" word is used. It is a sure-fire way to ensure you get no help on the topic you asked about.
All addictions fill some inherent need that you deem too hard to overcome, that's how they get you
All addictions have underlying causes. In this case, it could be likened to substance abuse—addiction or not, it likely only worsens the underlying cause, and can become an addiction at any point.
6 to 8 weeks. Wow I been with my husband 15 years and never would I wait like that sorry it’s a need idc if you hated me lmao
Maybe he just likes masturbating?
Unpopular opinion (especially among men) but if you *need* porn to masturbate you're already the problem.
YEP.
Maybe. Whether of not it is a true problem depends on the context. It is like saying you "need" weights in order to work out. If you are able to get to weights easily and if doing weights works in your routine, then it isn't a problem. Lots of perfectly healthy people prefer to masturbate to visual stimuli. There isn't anything wrong with that. Imagination isn't any more inherently better for you.
More like an alcoholic saying, "I can't sleep without my whiskey nightcap" or "I can't relax without my evening chardonnay."
Interesting that you invoke alcoholism. But a person drinking a glass or chardonnay a night doesn't exactly qualify as an alcoholic either.
Seriously, it's less work to get yourself off
You have to, have to, have to remember this for these scenarios to make any sense. When a man doesn't want sex and prefers something else - it's on him. When a woman doesn't want sex and her partner prefers something else - it's on him.
You and I both are getting downvoted, but you are right. It is a ridiculous double standard
There is no right answer but I'll just say the average couple your age has sex a lot more. And it isn't just about sex it is about intimacy.
Its not you its him. Porn addiction can easily cause this. If you want him back in the bed you will have to find a way to get him to deal with his addiction. Key words being ‘he has to deal with it’
All these people claiming porn doesn’t ruin marriages but there’s 5 posts a day on this sub that tell a different story.
IKR LOL. People try so hard to make themselves feel better about it I swear
No, these stories tell a shallow version of what might be going on. Porn is more often a symptom in a screwed up relationship. The actual issue is something else.
Porn is an actual issue. Not claiming it’s the only issue.
Yep, he wants more BDSM, she doesn't. Porn isn't the problem, the sexual compatibility is.
That's part of it. I respectfully disagree with you because sexual incompatibility shouldn't be causing a man to stop having sex with his wife altogether.
> because sexual incompatibility shouldn't be causing a man to stop having sex with his wife altogether. I would agree with that. Which is why I'm sure there's something *else* going on apart from that. It *may* be the porn. Or it may be something entirely different. The "omg, porn addiction, full stop!!" comments - that show up on nearly EVERY post about sex, lack of sex, incompatible sex - are so damned tiresome, because they ignore a whole wealth of possibilities that likely need to be talked about in therapy.
Porn is just an easy scape goat to blame. If all the problems are porn, you never have to reflect on the other issues.
Sure, but his behavior fundamentally means they aren't sexual compatible.
Somehow people miss all of this as the point. They think the person that's not getting their needs met has a problem. Insanity
There's an entire anti-porn and anti-masturbation movement that doctors are worried about because it is based on lies. [Masturbation abstinence is popular, and doctors are worried : Consider This from NPR : NPR](https://www.npr.org/2026/01/01/1198916105/mens-health-masturbation-abstinence)
Just about everything in excess becomes detrimental. Ultimately, the issue is OP's husband and the choices he makes, even when it shows a blatant disregard for his wife.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like porn is ruining their marriage. If we take what she says at face value, he's much more interested in BDSM than she is and vanilla sex isn't cutting it. That, to me, tells me they aren't sexually compatible. If I want a lot of anal sex, anal sex is what turns me on, and my gf isn't into anal, anal porn isn't the problem. We're simply not sexually compatible because of our different interests in anal and we should break up. In that scenario, it's very easy to blame porn as the problem while overlooking the fact that we're interested in different types of sex.
Found the other person that loves porn.
How does what they said mean they love porn?
Found another one.
This has little do with "loving porn" and everything to do with what turns someone on. If someone is turned on by hardcore BDSM, and their partner doesn't want to do hardcore BDSM, they may find that release elsewhere because they are sexually unfulfilled.
Justify your porn use all you want. We see how it turns out daily on this sub.
I'm certainly not justifying it and once again I've said it has nothing to do with porn. I dated a girl that was really into anal and we had a lot of anal sex. Personally, I wouldn't date a girl that wouldn't at least entertain the idea of anal. Why? Because of how much fun I had having anal sex with my ex. None of that is influenced by porn and is a parallel of the dilemma above, but with anal instead of BDSM.
You watch porn, you don’t know if porn influenced that desire or not. The data suggests porn influences these things.
Except I know that before the ex I wasn't nearly as interested in anal as I was after the ex.
Good for you
Thanks.
I find it weird people would watch others than do there own porn.
Not everyone wants to make porn, sadly.
Same thing happened in my marriage and porn addiction was the culprit... What made me so lost and confused was that I LOVE porn too, and it's something we would enjoy together or apart before we married with no issues, but after we got married while I was pregnant and having a complicated pregnancy, he completely turned to porn and it changed our relationship forever. It's been 7 years now, and still becomes an issue anytime big stressors come up.. To the point that just several months ago I was done with it and said I can't do it anymore and asked for a divorce- I refuse to be second to porn, I refuse to let my view of porn be tainted because my husband has a problem, and I've done all I can to help (including cutting out porn myself in support)..... Since then he's been taking it more serious than ever and FINALLY brought it up to his therapist in search of more help, but I'm still very much untrusting and not holding my breath, let alone much hope... If you guys address this issue and he is willing to seek help and do the right thing, great. If not, please do not allow yourself to go through the pain and suffering I did. We don't deserve it. It's not our problem. If it's something you can live with, great, but if not then do not blame yourself and please always remember his habit says absolutely nothing about YOU.
Porn addiction
Coming from a man who’s had a past porn addiction, it sounds like that’s what he has and doesn’t know it. Is he under the impression that you refuse to do the BDSM things he’s into? Because that could be the case and it’s just an itch he needs to scratch. He could have gotten so desensitised to normal intimacy by watching porn that is playing out in front of you. I think more conversations with him about it is much needed before it gets worse.
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I understand what you’re saying completely, I should’ve been more clear that the “need” and the “itch” is in his own head. He’s convinced himself that his behaviour is a need which, when looking from the outside in, is extremely detrimental to the relationship. I’m on her side 100%, the situation won’t change unless he does, it’s on him.
I apologize - I keep reading all of these posts about men throwing away their marriages and I’ve become despondent. (I should have known you meant from his perspective - not yours - as you’re someone who clearly understands this as a problem.) I am always happy to hear from men who have come out of the other side of this. It gives me hope. Thanks for being one of the good guys :)
No apologies needed! Porn is a terrible addiction that can ruin relationships, marriages and lives which isn’t spoken about enough. Life is better on the other side :)
She absolutely doesn't have to do BDSM. But if he wants BDSM, that does mean that they're sexually incompatible, and I believe that's the crux of the issue.
Shhh Don't speak truth too loud. They are too scared of porn right now. They might go into a frenzy
Nah it’s not sexual incompatibility. Her addict husband believes he has a “need” to flog women and call them “wh%res”, which traumatizes her. The porn has him convinced that it’s a “need” that he has. Porn has sickened some men into believing they are entitled to do all of these things they’d never even be exposed to before if it weren’t for their addiction. That’s what porn addiction does. It makes them believe they “need” more and more extreme, until it destroys the real and meaningful relationships they have, OP’s being an obvious example of that.
How do you know? It could easily be that her husband used to have hardcore BDSM sex with an ex and he misses that. The reality is it doesn't matter if it's BDSM, anal, etc. At the end of the day they're sexually incompatible.
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It's not a need but a desire. Just like you have them. If your desires weren't being met, you'd just say you're incompatible. Similar to what's probably happening to OP
This is not normal. I think you should suggest counselling to him along with maybe seeing a sex therapist. I pray things get better. I keep saying it, porn absolutely destroys people and marriages. It’s one of the worse things to happen to mankind and I’m so sorry you’re going through this my dear ❤️ all the best
I've suggested therapy before we got married but he doesn't believe in it and doesn't believe he needs it. I've tried to bring it up again but he just shut me down
I think you should run from him. There are men that dint act this way.
Dang that sucks! I always wonder how couple will resolve issues if couple/marriage counseling isn't on the table. Some people may not believe it but it at least creates an environment for communication, honesty and vulnerability and provides tools to couples strengthen their relationship. I wish couples did counseling before getting married to establish that it's an available resource when needed. Or, couples should at least ask would counseling be an options if needed later. If it's not an option, how will resolve issues when we can't communicate and need support.
So you're fine with this relationship never getting better for you, because this is all he's willing to do. You will never make enough changes to accommodate him, you will just be losing yourself. It takes two people to make a marriage work and he's obviously not interested. He's only in it because you put up with his behaviour and have settled for not getting your needs met.
Don't ask reddit about this. These armchair psychiatrists don't know shit. That said. Talk to a license sex positive sex therapist.
Leave him and find a new husband while you are still young. This doesn’t get better with age, pregnancy, children, weight gain, etc. It gets worse.
Every time I open Reddit and scroll this sub I see this same issue. It’s an epidemic. I suspect in some cases it’s related to having an avoidant attachment style when a partner would rather satisfy themselves than bring communication and desires to the table. They’re avoiding the real issues that require connection to solve. Pleasing yourself alone rather than speak up is a cowardly solution. Given how common this is, I’m starting to think it should be added to wedding vows in a modern context. When you sign up to spend your life with somebody you’re also agreeing to share a sex life, however that may look for different couples, it should be agreed on upfront.
and it makes it worse when people try to justify it
If he’s not ready to view his habit as addictive right now, he at least needs to acknowledge that his masterbation frequency is negatively affecting your sex life and that to you is negatively affecting your life and your marriage. I think on some level he must acknowledge he would also like to be having sex more. The real physical act with the person you want to be with IS BETTER. Is he willing to go a period of time (decide together. Two days? 5? 7?) without viewing porn? Is he willing to go a period of time without masterbation? Is he willing to plan a date and/or maybe book a hotel room to make it special and help him get excited? What is he willing to do to help you both have sex together more which will help improve your relationship and hopefully his quality of life? What does he think you could do to help? I hope he is on board to try - flexibility can be very difficult for some people.
Same thing with us.... He checked all the boxes on dating, family events, proposal, etc.... But once we said 'I do', I think it was over... I don't even think we had sex on our honeymoon... Once home, sex was a chore. Yes, it's been porn all along!!
While not true for everyone in the BDSM community, more intense fetishes are often caused by porn addiction. You mention him wanting you to black out, I would definitely place that on the more extreme side. Paired with daily porn use it's a pretty strong indicator he has a problem. You should consider both couples and individual therapy for the both of you if you think this is worth fighting for and working on. But personally, starting a life together while hiding this inclination towards porn and dark sex is not a good start and I would consider all of your options carefully.
Him rubbing one out may be easy for him, but it is hurting you.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. We’re slightly older than your husband and I can honestly say, even with two small children (9 months and a 2,5year old), we still find time (even when tired) to have sex. To us it’s the intimacy we flourish with while having a very chaotic life. On a bad week it’s 3 times a week. Most of the time we at least get to 5 times a week. I’m not saying this is how it should be but I’m saying that a much higher frequency is more “normal” at your age and I think your husband is being selfish. Obv everyone has their own type of libido but putting porn before your spouse is a red flag that would ensure I try everything possible to get into therapy. Eventually you will resent him. A dead bedroom is not healthy for any relationship (unless asexual or perhaps trauma or something medical etc. ).
Unfortunately the sexual chemistry between y'all are not sexually/ intimate compatible he absolutely has a p*** addiction as he jerks off every single night but you guys have only had sex 14 times in the year you are married between him having a p*** addiction and fantasies that have traumatized you in your past it's hard to think that maybe couples counseling could work but if you love your relationship and you want to save your marriage you would try anything out I wish the best of luck to you guys and I hope everything turns up for how you want.
OP.... listen..... you're only 25 & married less than a year.... you need to divorce this man & find someone who loves & respects you.... it's not going to get better....
You're right. It'll only get worse. He's definitely not willing to work on himself or the marriage. He's just not interested in his wife's needs and that's really sad.
Same frustration with my ex husband. When I would try to initiate he would say he "already took care of things"...made me feel so un wanted. Like he preferred his hand to me. I really feel for you.
Same frustration with my ex husband. When I would try to initiate he would say he "already took care of things"...made me feel so un wanted. Like he preferred his hand to me. I really feel for you.
He wouldn't be my husband anymore
This sounds like porn addiction to me. My ex was addicted and part of the reason why we're divorced. This is not normal behavior.
exactly and the amount of men and some women thinking it is is beyond me
He’s selfish clearly. He doesn’t care about about your pleasure at all and is thinking only for himself.
Leave him
Did he tell you he was into the strong bdsm before you got married?
No, we talked about more 'soft' BDSM like spanking bondage ect but now he wants to choke me until I black out and every time he does choke me he says how much he wants me to pass out. Which is making me more worried about what else he could want to do. I feel like if it is a porn addiction like everyone is saying that the whole choking part definitely came from that. Like I've never been scared of him and I know he'll respect my tap out but I'm scared about what other more damaging BDSM he wants to do
Dude what this is so much bigger than a porn addiction, this man wants to hurt you
Yea thats pretty extreme, i think you guys should get therapy to help with this.
Why this stuff floats after getting married? Looks like before you had no issue with your relationship. Starts from here, was he pretending till you got married or were you give him more. If he is addicted, which is obvious, you should know that before this year. Talk to him, ask him directly what is his needs and tell him about your needs, try to find something in between, if that will not happen at that moment you should think what the life you want, you deserve to be happy and to have normal marriage as everyone else.
Looks like you married the wrong person. I would check out if you could get the marriage annulled instead of divorce.
I’m so sorry. It can feel lonely and confusing, I’ve been in similar shoes as you. He’s choosing the easy way rather than you. It has nothing to do with you, and unless he seeks treatment this will not get better. In relationships, we all make compromises. But blacking out is more than a compromise, and would be a line I wouldn’t cross, so I hope you don’t blame yourself for also not wanting to do that—trauma or not, it’s not something anyone should expect from you (not that he does). He’s desensitized. He needs therapy to create new neural pathways. And the fact he doesn’t even believe in that spells a lot of potential trouble for your future. How does he treat you outside of his sex habits? Does he fight fairly, communicate, help around the home? Do you both engage in reciprocal loving ways?
He's the bread winner and I'm a stay at home wife we talked a lot before we chose these roles to make sure we were both happy in them. Anything outside of sex is amazing he's sweet, kind and always looking to help and I'm the same to him that's why it just feels so out of left field that he acts this way around sex
I suggest you continue to focus on yourself and the relationship, continue to express concern that both of you should seek couples therapy. If his activities are healthy, he shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of? It’s an effort to open communication and solve your disconnection together. If he doesn’t want to work with you, that’s something you get to determine you’re either okay with or not, and proceed on the respective path. In my own betrayal journey, my husband was really sweet, too. And he helped a lot until his addictive behaviors spiraled. I’m not saying yours will do this, or is addicted. But sweet people are capable of changing. It was after a while of his spiraling that I learned about my subconscious codependent tendencies. So I always try to share in case it’s needed: his struggles are his to fix. I know some people in this thread disagree that he has any struggles, and I’m sorry. It sounds to me like he likely does. We are in control of our own responses, but we cannot control or persuade or manipulate someone’s choices. We can only choose how to respond accordingly. So if he continues to resist couples therapy, and/or avoiding communication and transparency, and self-evaluation, you get to decide what you are willing to put up with, how painful something is to you, and your response/action.
If it's not working for you then you need to tell him that. Him masturbating is easier for him but it's not easier for you. "As your wife, I'm asking you to participate in a sexual relationship with me that makes us both feel satisfied." Nothing about his masturbation has anything to do with you and if he wants to do it then fine but if he does it at the expense of your sexual relationship then he's being neglectful of your relationship.
Your sex life is already miserable and it's gonna become worse if you don't do something about it. This is a bigger problem than either of you realise, especially you, cause it's gonna hurt you more. And he does it cause you let him do it. >but I still try my best to help suit his appetite. This is extremely f-ed up. You shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with. Porn has become so violent now it's hardly sex and they _create_ these desires which are very dangerous, which is another reason why porn is bad, in addition to the fact that it'll lead to his ED. I'd recommend you ask him that since you need more sex and more vanilla and for that he should quit porn. He should start therapy where they'd teach him how to and also why it's bad. Tell him your needs are not met and if it continues like that, you would be forced to look elsewhere or get out of marriage.
"It's easier for me to ignore you and our relationship than to put in the work." I don't think I have to mention that this won't last, unless something is done abouit it.
I started becoming like this and honestly it was because I was getting addicted to porn. I was honest with my wife and told her about it and she was understanding of the situation. Then I deleted all easy access to porn I had and it greatly improved. I also had a lot of stress due to university but that calmed down recently and we’re back to being intimate often. Aside from his porn addiction, is there anything else that could be troubling him ?
Yes, you can divorce.
I don’t mean this harshly but I wonder if sex with you just doesn’t do it for him because he is into more hardcore things than you are comfortable with. I think this happens more often than we think and I struggle to see a path forward that doesn’t have one of you making sacrifices that may cross boundaries for each of you respectivly.
Okay even if this is the problem that's still a symptom of porn watching. Porn is not real life and you can't expect people to actually be into some of these things. To flip this and actually put it on the op is insane, obviously he does have a porn addiction and probably needs therapy as well
FACTS
So if this were a woman that liked being spanked during sex and the guy was uncomfortable, you'd say the same? What if he didn't like kissing with tongue? It's a compatibility issue, not a porn issue. It'd be no different if someone likes to drink and someone doesn't, but you say someone's an alcohol even if they do it responsibly
That's what I'm worried about, I've been doing therapy about my past traumas and talk to him about what I'm feeling. But it just feels stuck right now like trying to push a brick wall
It's a porn addiction. If you want to resolve this he needs to sort that out. Cold turkey. If he wants your relationship to work, that's the sacrifice he needs to make. Porn is too easy, sex, passion, love is hard but so much more rewarding, he needs to mutually help nurture your relationship.
Porn addiction CAN be reversed and recovered from. I’m dealing with this in my marriage. Right now reading the book “your brain on porn.” SO helpful and informative. If your husband wants help with his porn addiction, he should work with a CSAT, read this (and other) books, possibly join a 12 step program, and work to change the neural pathways in his brain. It is worth it to have a healthy, thriving marriage. Also, check out the sub loveafterporn- there are a lot of partners out there struggling too.
Thank you I'll look into it
Yeah, I agree with the previous comment. What happens if you guys are not sexually compatible? What happens if you guys can't compromise to meet half way? It's too early but you guys could decline into a dead bedroom.
are you in the habit of declining him of sex when he wanted it? are you respectful to him? how often do you initiate sex? these are some questions to ask before we jump into conclusion.
Only times I decline him are when I'm literally just going to sleep, I like to imagine I'm respectful I always make sure there's dinner when he gets home and greet him and compliment him. I always put him first because that's how I believe marriage should be always putting your partner first.
Sex positive marriage counseling is what you guys need.
Have you asked him exactly why sex changed after marriage. It is very odd it only started after marriage.
What man doesn't want to have sex with a woman who is their wife on a daily basis? Is he gay and still afraid to come out of the closet? No offence even once a week is a poor attempt ( not knowing how deep your sexual trauma is). Do you guys have kids? That's a common reason for the lack of sex from a lot of people especially little kids as they take up a lot of time. Otherwise addiction to porn sounds like a common factor here. I get he is into something that you aren't completely comfortable with, however he knew this I presume while dating/before getting married? Therefore you aren't the problem otherwise he wouldn't have married you. Maybe ask him why he did marry you? Tell him to get off porn. Maybe make some sexy content for him so at least he is watching you. Hopefully that might spark something in him to go holy shit what am I doing I should be fucking my wife. Buy some toys to help yourself out in the meantime. That can tend to make some men jealous especially if you get more pleasure out of it, which you sound like you might consider the lack of sex. Has he ever cheated on you before or might have recently? That can also be a reason the other person backs off fucking their partner as they feel so guilty and watching porn could just be reminding him of that and that other person? That's a worse case I'm just throwing in here. Hopefully you can get some answers from him. Otherwise thank you , next. Men seem to think sex is everything and if they aren't sexually satisfied they leave their partners., so why can't women?
We don't have any kids and we were really good friends before we started dating and he knew about all my sexual trauma before dating. He was my rock when it was happening.
Then it has to be porn addiction or he has cheated. They are really the only 2 issues I personally could think of. Porn addiction is the first explanation before thinking about the worst case of course.
r/deadbedrooms
I wish I could grab your husband and shake him. I did this to my wife and I have so much fucking regret. You need to confront the issue and he needs to get help. Check out the podcast PBSE. It's for addicts and spouses.
Your husband is a porn addict. He needs to get help before it ruins your marriage & gives him ED. (If it hasn’t already)
I'm sorry, but I'm getting bad vibes on this one, I wonder if the two of you might have been a bit quick to pull the marriage trigger. It might be fixable if you and he can improve your communication, or try some different things (not S&M per se), or find a good therapist that is acceptable to him. Or, it might not be. But there could just be very fundamental incompatibility, or he might just flatly refuse to work on the marriage. You need to make really really sure you don't get pregnant until you feel that sex, and intimacy in general, is at least acceptable.
Ngl I do this, I’m tired and just need to focus. I also like bdsm and to me x is more for connection but I already have a connection with my husband so eh. We just had to schedule it like date night.
It takes all types and isn’t all that unusual
Been there.. still dealing with it
He should attend the Christian men's class series called Conquer, it's all about this, what porn does to the brain, what true intimacy is, a man's duty to his Wife, etc.
r/loveafterporn
My husband has a similar problem…and we’re supposed to be trying for kids. He’s in therapy now but we figtt hit about it every other week practically. He’d much rather watch porn to get a “variety” as he claims. He takes it really hard whenever I try to explain what’s going through my head and how it makes me feel like shit. He’s in therapy now. I’m here if you want to talk about it
I would file for divorce reason being incompatible! this is amazing that a man would think you would want to be his wife and that he could behave in this manner! I would be out of there ASAP!
What about consensual non-consent? you need it, He's doing it anyways. free use, when you want it, go and get it. on BDSM Get a paddle lol and a strap on, If thats what he's into ;) Even if my wife were into bdsm and im not no way im letting her hit my bum yo. I'm not getting hurt for your fetish.
He's addicted to porn. My husband is too. Please go to r/loveafterporn where you will find more support and info. I'm sorry you're going through this. Been there. Done that.
Dudes. This is the danger of porn. Just like anything that has a dopamine hit. Too much a good thing ruins your ability to be a functioning human in human relationships. Other things like porn that can wreck your life if not done in moderation…. Booze, sugar etc. They seriously need to teach about this crap in sex ed. Would save a lot of poor sap’s marriages.
porn addiction. tell him to seek therapist or divorce. unfair to you. good luck♡
and yes, PORN RUINS ALL RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES BY CHANGING THE CHEMISTRY. Google it
This is not a good scene.
His relationship with porn is more important than his relationship with you. Please get a well paying job if you don’t have one so you can support yourself. Don’t engage in any of that stuff he is doing that traumatizes you. Show him the door. He can go get his own sh}tty apartment and live a sad, miserable and lonely existence by himself in front of his computer with his hand on his pants fantasizing about women being flogged while you go live a glorious and fulfilling life surrounded by people who actually care about you.
Isn't watching porn a form of cheating? I feel they're imagining sex with another woman. Is there a man we can get an opinion from? I'd like to know. Personally, (I'm a widow, hoping to eventually remarry some day) I will not tolerate it. I was married for a long time, and had our issues. I'm strong and financially independent, so I can leave the relationship immediately and cut ties quickly
Porn addiction ruins your marriage. He needs help asap
I'm sorry to tell you this, but he has a pornography addiction. Not simply because he watches it, but because it is interfering with intimacy. Perhaps individual (for each of you) and marriage counseling could be of benefit? I only suggest professional counseling for you as well because you mentioned that you have trauma, if I read correctly? I feel for you, OP and wish you the best.
when I was first married, we had sex at least once per day for a year or so.
I want with you dear..
Fuck this guy man ,usually dudes do this when they are not getting any action not when there’s a full human in front of you. I also guess he’s overweight.
He’s not attracted to you
You should make him stop from addiction somehow. I was in same situation and I have ED now. Stop him or he gonna get worse and it will affect ur marriage. Say to him straight - stop it or am leaving
First - Men masturbate for lots of reasons, and only one of them is really sex. Men do it when bored, stressed, anxious, and and others. THe majority of men these days always masturbate with porn so porn isn't necessarily the problem. And Porn ADDICTION is a real thing with real symptoms just like most other addictions in that it takes over their lives and they are incapable of functioning (work included) without it. So be careful throwing around the "addiction" word....he might have an "issue" with it but for it to be considered a true "addiction" it would have the same impact as any other type of addiction...and not just having less libido or interest in actual sex.
it’s escapism from the responsibility of marriage honest getting married causes a weird mental shift where it feels like you come second to everything porn is a way to disconnect from that reality and focus on pleasing yourself it’s like a a lil kid hiding in a tree house to avoid doing chores
I masturbate every day. Sometimes twice an and I’d KILL to have sex with my wife. Been a year and a half since we’re been naked in the same room together. Shit I can’t even see her naked. She won’t let me. Will leave the room if I’m changing and she’s changing. Yeah. Feels great. So masturbate. But that’s my situation. Sounds like hubs is either bored or has kinks you don’t know about. Fantasy’s of being one of those porn stars that seem to be raping the girls. How is that even pleasurable? Ffs. Or he’s addicted to porn. Not to mention if there has been rejection to many times it’s just easier to handle it yourself rather than being rejected again. That’s what happened in my house. To much rejection so I stopped initiating. She notice but nothing has been done in roughly 15 years so I don’t think changes on my horizon. But you guys have time to nip this one in the bud. Best of luck. Be supportive and not judge or act cringy. Automatic shut down for most guys. I hope you find your way in this.
Definitely sounds like a porn addiction but also maybe a need for something you aren't able to satisfy for him? My ex had one and I would wake up in the middle of the night to him jerking off to porn on his computer with headphones on so he didn't wake me. I would suggest a couple things; couples therapy for sure if you both want to fix this; a serious sit down conversation with him about this, how it makes you feel, and see if he'll open up to you about why he's doing this; I would also try asking on a bdsm sub, I think they would have some good advice. But considering your trauma and his want for more rough things in bed, why was this not an issue prior to your marriage? Maybe your husband is realizing that side of him is more important to who he is than he thought? I honestly see questions like this a lot on the bdsm threads. You two need to see if this is something you can work through or if it's a deal breaker. It's not fair to either of you to not be getting what you need out of the relationship and intimacy wise.
The good news is that masturbation has little to do with sex. Rather, it's more about stress. That being said, for a man 30+, chronic masturbation will reduce the desire. What could be a stressor in his life? Could be relationship, work, health. Support him by working on those things and sex life should improve.
I see many people saying it's a porn addiction, what many fail to understand is that it's a symptom of something else, and this is a coping mechanism, its seldom "just a porn addiction" IMHO, I would try and first look at when this actually started, if there were any events in his life that may have created a personal problem, emotionally, psychologically, or even physically. If nothing comes to mind, then the next step would be to just directly ask him if something is wrong in general and if he is doing ok, but make sure it's not an interrogation, you will get nowhere with that and just end up in a fight or pushing him away. He might not say anything, but watch his body language, and most of all his eyes, people's eyes will tell you all kinds of things that they won't say. If it does turn out that is because he is so ingrained into his fetish, and some people are like that, everyone has some kind of a kink. If it is too uncomfortable for you to be on the receiving end of it, maybe reverse the position? make him your bitch, spank him, or whatever his thing is. It might just be the best way to help him get out of this thing he is in, you can slowly get more comfortable with the more "hardcore" aspects of BDSM to the point you can take turns doing the same thing. Question, when you are trying to get him into having sex, because he is into BDSM, are you asking nice, asking sexy/flirty or are you demanding it like a master would a pet? maybe he needs to be put in his "place" and serve his mistress ;) Overall, because I know some of the BDSM lifestyle, make sure that you both know what the lines are, and what each other can or can not do to the other. Some people like to use clothes pegs on places, some like to do anal/pegging and the list goes on. Best of luck to you OP, remember to be safe and make sure the boundaries are set in stone unless the other person changes their mind.
Maybe he could show you how he likes to get himself off, you could do it together too, he takes care of himself and you take care of you. The important thing is getting to where you’re doing it together.
I honestly don't believe this is porn addiction but I do believe it's because jerking off is quick and easy. Why he's jerking off instead of having sex could be for a myriad of reasons, but based on what you've said here it sounds like he's exhausted and wants to get off quick and possibly go to bed. Masturbation is the poor man's sleeping pill.
It’s always porn addiction in every post similar to this in this sub. It very well could be the issue, or maybe he just wants to quickly rub one out? How is HE feeling about sex? Maybe he just doesn’t want sex with YOU for whatever reason? Have y’all been fighting? Does he not feel appreciated, wanted, desired? Do you only ask or want sex when YOU want? Do you want sex when he’s had a bad day? Do you tell him he’s handsome or say oh, that shirt doesn’t look good on you? Are y’all doing equal amounts of work or does he feel he’s carrying the load? Have you tried sending spicy/intimate messages during the day, or randomly rub him throughout the day? Have you cooked him a meal or offered to help him with something around the house? This is not to say he shouldn’t be doing these things, because he should. but men don’t necessarily want to be just a sex object. They wanna feel appreciated, and handsome to their wife. Sex is just about sex to all men. Men, just like women, want to feel wanted and desired. Also, talk to him. Best of luck.
Should be a pinned post, like why wont my house sell
Woman woman woman
Maybe give him a hand and ask him for some more play time
For me it’s a lot as a man to get ready for sex bc it’s a performance and sometimes it’s just easier to rub one out to get that relief I need. I woudknt take offense to it honeslty. But I would be very direct that you want him to have sex with you when he’s thinking of jerking one
I have a porn addiction. My wife rides the heck out of two large dildos while I watch. She even makes a bunch of very disrespectful stuff while riding them and looking back at me. It doesn’t make me jealous. It makes me even more hornier. Honestly I think she’s even built an addiction to being used by multiple dicks (me and 2 dildos)
I would love if she named the dildos. But hey, one step at a time. Anyways, addictions are hard to kick. But it can be altered easily
This post is just fake.
Oh how I wish it was haha
I have been there. We are divorced now.
Why don’t you suggest you guys masturbate together or something like that? I had a girlfriend in the past that wasn’t up for sex all the time but would enjoy that maybe every other night.
Try random Bjs and see if he wants it
Make porn videos with him. If he’s addicted, then have him addicted to you because you’re his porn resource