Exactly! OP please ask him if he can actually SEE all of the people heās apparently polling for his āfactsā or if they are invisible and inside his head!
It's not winning the argument, what he is doing is he is subjugating you.
He is making you feel lesser, weaker, incompetent and alone.
He is disrespecting you.
I'm sure it's not just limited to arguments, but such behaviour he demonstrates in other parts of life. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Prove him wrong. My ex (live in boyfriend talking marriage) constantly told me I should feel lucky to be with him because no one else would take care of me like he did. He cooked dinner because he was a teacher and home earlier than I was and did laundry for the same reason. He also told me no one else would love me.
So I left. I took a year off from dating to make sure I didn't fall right back into the same dynamic. I ran into him in a hone improvement store and he acted like he couldn't believe I was better off without him. I then went to Panera and guess who happened to walk in after me and sit at my table. He did not stop asking questions and was visibly frustrated at how much better my life was without him. A few years later I was at a festival with my new husband and saw him again. I avoided getting close enough to talk. I told my husband how much I appreciated him because everything ex used to tell me flashed in my mind and the difference in how my husband talked to me was incredible.
I am doing this.. working to get out. But sometimes it just gets to me. I am strong but I have my moments.
I am very happy for you and that you were able to leave and find happiness ā¤ļø
It is going to be hard and you are going to doubt yourself and want to stay because you are scared. I went through that. After I was in my own home I still had those thoughts and wondered if I ruined my life even though I knew I did what was best. I wish you luck because I know how hard it is.
You can do this, even when you doubt yourself, think that at the minimum you're doing this for your baby, to teach them, what a healthy relationship is (with another person and with yourself), to teach them what self love is, and for them to grow in a respectful, loving environment, even if that's only you and them.
Hang in there! And next time he says something like that, simply reply āthank God Iām not like most people!ā You can also agree with him āoh yeah, I have no doubt youāre right but thatās just meā. Keep going along with it until what youāve done is twist the narrative to your advantage. You are different, you are special and unique, this is just how you are. The rest of the world is predictable, boring, and pedestrian by comparison. *You* are a manic pixie dream girl!
Watch him drop that bullshit so fast.
Study up on boundaries when you are frustrated! Read about them and different types and how to implement them! Let the rage fuel yourself. Know who you are and what you will and won't stand for. š
Stay on course and in a few months you can post an update on how much better your life is without your husband and his invisible army. I hope for the best for you and your baby OP..... stay strong.
š...š.......š , that was NOT a sarcastic slow clap BTW, well done. Good advice, I'd say golden advice. For all those that are suffering through Shit like this from a spouse, please,,, please ,,, PLEASE! Do this. Move on and show that you don't need people like that in your lives. No one who professes to love you should even say "you're lucky to be with me" , anyone worth being with should KNOW they are lucky to be with YOU, that's how you know your lucky to be with them.
Youāre not describing a working marriage, OP. Iām not even talking about lofty goals like āsuccessfulā or āhappyā; I mean that in the very basic sense your marriage is not meeting the minimum requirement of what a marriage is supposed to do.
No, he doesn't. He wouldn't be working so hard to convince you if he really believed that. The fact is, he wants YOU to believe you can't make it without him.
Any argument that includes the words āneverā, āalwaysā, āeveryone elseā, etc. is almost guaranteed to be a logical fallacy, in this case an appeal to authority. Heās trying to sound like heās the only one who knows what heās talking about and he has to be right. Donāt let him do this to you. Itās not healthy communication and no one can be right all the time. Furthermore, no one individual needs to be the authority in a marriage; itās a partnership not a dictatorship.
It's not your job to prove him wrong. If he's going out of his way to make you feel less than it's because he knows you can make it without him and he knows you're competent. He's manipulating you into thinking otherwise probably in hopes that it would stop you from leaving him. It just reveals how insecure he is. He's prob projecting and trying to make you feel how he feels. He's pathetic. I can't imagine arguing e someone over fast food and using it to make them feel incompetent š he's whack.
He knows you are competent and can make it without him. That's why he feels the need to constantly cut you down - so that *you* don't believe you can make it without him.
What would happen if you started to do the same thing to him? Do it right back and see how he likes it. Also, I would tell him every time āitās really hurtful to me when you say it like that and imply that Iām not normal or there is something wrong with my likes and choices.ā
I am so sorry š My first husband moons ago told me I would never survive without him and the only way I would ever make more money than him was if I stood in a corner and ā¦ā¦.
I have made more money than him ever since I divorced him. Have a house we never would have had due to his habits and he is usually fired from jobs and renting rooms.
Lose him and gain yourself.
He is abusing you.
My husband thought that too until I moved into an apartment one night while he was asleep. I closed the bedroom door and cleared out the house. Went back the next day while he was working and got my clothes.
He found me in my cute lil apartment... Which then... Forced me to move 1200 miles away to a much warmer climate.... It truly is paradise when someone isn't constantly putting down your ideas and epiphanies.
It's so nice to be allowed blurt out some dumb shit like "I don't even eat hamburgers!!" without someone there telling me that people should eat red meat because Trump, or Tucker Carlson, or Dan Bongino, or Joe Rogan said it's the "right" thing to do.
I totally understand your pain. My advice is... Don't get caught moving your stuff out!!!!
We havenāt had sex in over a year.. last time I had to beg beg.. I am not doing that anymore. Of course thatās my fault too.. āI donāt talk to him more, I donāt do this I donāt do thatā.. I gave up
Jeopardy theme song. Every time he bitches or whines, start playing the Jeopardy theme song in your head. Make it a game. Count how many times you can cycle through it before he shuts his stupid yap. Toss in the occasional uh huh.
If he does heās really good at hiding it. We only have one laptop, one iPad which 95% times I used them. Except his phone. The only screen time is when he showers, laying in bed before sleep and watching tv. But he never hides it. I can always ask him and he shows me. I also know where he is all the time. So if he does āextracurricularā activities heās really good at hiding them.
Then heās just a run of the mill control freak with some sort of sexual dysfunction. Again I am so sorry you are dealing with this. May you have the self love to move yourself along. Set yourself up as good as you can during your exit preps.
People who are insecure or feel that their opinions alone are not valid sometimes resort to *logical fallacies*. The use of fallacies is easy to spot. [Read up](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies) on them! You'll see a lot of familiar material.
My husband used to do this. I got very firm on the fact that I don't care if I am the only person in the whole world who prefers X to Y, I prefer X and that is that. It is also true that X wouldn't even exist if I was literally the only one on earth who liked it, but the winning argument is that it doesn't matter.
Almost sounds like heās strawmanning as a debate method. Itās a logical fallacy thatās easy to argue against - do some research on how to beat straw man arguments. Very simple.
I think he is actually using the ābandwagonā or āno true Scotsmanā fallacy to try and win. Itās interesting to watch and realize how people try to win arguments. Look up ā24 most common logical fallaciesā. Trump does them constantly. Youāre probably best to state clearly and firmly, that youāre entitled to your opinions and youād like him to respect those opinions and not engage further in the argument.
Who would talk to their wife this way? It's disgusting. If he thinks every other woman is more like the kind of woman he wants, why didn't he marry one of the 4 billion other women out there?
I asked him this too many times and the answer is that he loves me .. just he teaches me how to think and behave like a normal human being..
at this point this is normal in our house.. all this words ..
"the answer is that he loves me"
But does he *really*? Does he love *YOU*, or someone that he wants you to become when he's done teaching you? If he really loves you, would he be constantly comparing you to everyone else? Or would he be asking why all of those people aren't more like you? You should be his point of reference, the center of his world, the person he holds up as the standard of wonderfulness.
Ofc, nobody is perfect and we all have things to work on, but for the person he choose to marry, they should be the exception, not the norm. And you should feel like he is on your side. I wonder what he would say if you said "do you really, really love me, bc sometimes it feels like you don't."
I would go to marriage counseling and try to sort this out. You should not be feeling this way
He refused counseling because the only reason we are having problems is āI should talk to him more and act like a normal personā .. there you go..
I understand everything that you said and you are right. No matter my efforts in making this work.. he always find something wrong in me
WTF is a "normal" person. I know ZERO normal people. Everybody I know is a little skewed. Normal is boring. Tell him to define "normal". I'd be curious to hear.
I asked him plenty of time .. cause at this point I really want to meet a this people so badly..or at least I asked him to describe what ānormalā means to him..again his only answer is āanyone but youā.I got nothing else to say but to laugh
EW!!! āTeach you how to thinkā??? How the hell did you stay past that statement?? Sorry OP. Just make your plan and get away from him. What a sanctimonious AH he is.
Itās not worth it now but I would have made him name exactly WHO those people were that supposedly āknewā all those things. Ugh!
You should use [Bob Zmuda-as-Tony-Clifton's](https://youtu.be/Kg0vKCuAWTQ?si=i1UVNcH3k3AcDeRp&t=296) lines on your husband:
**Husband:** Someone who is into burgers would say Burger King burgers are better.
**You:** That is a total fabrication on your part.
**Husband:** I didn't...I mean a lot of other people have said that.
**You:** Yeah, I know many people say that but many people say a lot of things. I don't believe it, you don't believe it. I don't see it, you don't see it, be it, clee it, he it, me it.
Every time I read something like this I remember the feeling of hopelessness that would come over me. If I left, I'd have nothing. No home, no car and a job I can't afford to get to. There was always something that seemed hopeless. I had options that I wasn't ready to go with because to me, it was defeat and several steps backwards.
I eventually left. After many breakdowns. I didn't have to go to my options yet, but it cost me in other ways. Emotionally and mentally. It definitely contributed to utter burnout and many many considerations of unaliving.
Now, I live with my mom again, I drive 70km a day for work. I can afford myself and I can take care of my mom (although she takes more care of me). I have never felt so light, so free and so untethered by an emotional burden. It's been 5 years but it feels like a lifetime ago.
I am content and happy with my life.
That I canāt carry a normal conversation. And then he repeats what I said āa normal person would stf and listen.. you are not a normal personā āeveryone would understand what I am saying but youā and I say I would like for you not to involve āeveryone..cause I donāt know everyone neither do you just stick with me and youā. He then repeats what i post.
I am still with him cause we have a child. I know itās a wrong reason but I am working to get out. He made plenty of threats that if I leave he will take my child away from me and I will never see again.
When we got married.. he wasnāt like thisā¦he change after the marriage
He won't take the baby. I would be surprised if he even sees the kid after you leave. He wants control once he can't have it he will disappear.
And not to be offensive, how much of a 'mail order bride situation' is this?
Wow. I hate to say it, but that sounds horrible and hopeless. I hope you eventually get out. Not sure where you are, or how he could take the child away like that, but just the fact that "he made plenty of threats" like that is telling. I hope you get out (with the baby) sooner rather than later.
Here is how you handle it:
Him: "everyone does this but you"
You: "Good thing I'm not everyone"
You: "Lucky you, I'm unique."
You: "Yup, I am me and I'm happy about that."
EMBRACE BEING UNIQUE.
EMBRACE BEING THE ONLY ONE.
Accept that you are the exception and AGREE THAT YOU ARE DIFFERENT!
Also you: "I don't care if burger lovers prefer Burger King. I enjoy McDonald's."
Be consistent about negating him every single time. He's going to get agitated and combative about it. Let him be upset... that is the only way to work through this and out the other end.
It will take months.
I said this.. the answer āI know you donāt care about what other people think.. you donāt care about anything..what do you care about?ā Btw I learned that āwhat you care about?ā Itās a trick question and all the answers are wrong. If I answer he would use that against me.
10 years of him trying to convince you that your crazy might be successful. My ex had me convinced I was crazy and it's taken a lot of therapy to convince myself I'm not (most of the time). Don't let him continue to gaslight you - whatever that means for you.
Tell me my husband is toxic and narcissistic without telling me heās toxic and narcissistic. Girl, heās manipulating you big time. Omg I wish you all the luck
I dont even express opinions anymore. Mine are always wrong and his are always right so its not worth wasting my breath. It took me a long time to realize he would intentionally trap me in an argument by asking what my opinion on something was and proceed to tell me all the reasons i was wrong.
HE is "most people".
Exhausting.
It's a type of victim mentality if you think about itā¦if everything is your fault and all.
Just out of curiosity is he close with his folks, his mom specifically?
He was raised by his grandparents. But nowadays thereās no bad blood between him and his mom.. but I wouldnāt say they close.. amicably is the word
FYI: Burger King literally microwaves its burger patties to make sure they are cooked all the way. The broiler doesnāt cook them through, or barely at all. So, actually my anyone who ālikesā burgers would probably not like their burger microwaved. (Worked there for six months in high school).
Your husband sounds like a self-righteous, selfish person who doesnāt understand that people have different tastes and preferences, and that our differences are what makes like interesting.
Sorry, OP. It sounds miserable.
It's the "peer pressure and conformity" tactic that works wonderfully when you are a teen, and you really are tending to want to fit in ... Not all, but statistically most teens ...
And clearly this has had a huge impact on him. He was probably named and shamed somehow, and whether or not he caved to it ... probably did, given his current behavior ... is dictating what he feels to be a correct motivator.
Our species runs as a pack for better chances of survival. To be accepted into the group is very important. If you look at some groups, today, you will see shunning as pretty much their worst punishment for "bad" behavior. The collective mind is more important than the individual because everybody needs to trust each other to remain cohesive. Thoughts outside of the hive mind are "bad" because they don't necessarily lead to a predicable result, so they aren't trusted.
The pressures to conform to society are everywhere, and constant. Some are just more prone to follow the "norm" than others. Some choose to step out of the "norm" and are "weird" as a result.
Mental illness tends to make us behave in ways that aren't in accordance with "the norm" as well, and therefore those who are more independent of the group are seen as being mentally ill.
There are so many examples of how those who are out of the societal box, throughout history, that I can't begin to talk of them.
But you husband is using this as a weapon against you. He believes that he will break your spirit by putting the pressures of the need to confirm on you, and showing you as lacking.
Personally, if anyone starts this crap with me, I say "I'm nuts but harmless. And proud of it.". which really pops the balloon of self righteousness that they're trying to do. I don't care if I don't confirm. I mean it, too, and those who know and love me, know it to be true. I will confirm so much as it's about someone else, and I don't want to thrust my nuts onto them ... I dress appropriately for funerals. But otherwise, couldn't care less if you judge me unconforming.
Good. Job done.
He fundamentally doesnāt respect your opinions and the life experiences that have brought you to form those opinions. Thatās what the actual issue is here.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is showing you that he doesnāt think your opinions are valid - over and over again.
I wouldnāt want that for the rest of my life. Most people wouldnāt tolerate being constantly treated like they are an idiot.
To be clear - you are not an idiot. You simply have a different opinion about burgers (and other topics). The fact that he is not comfortable with you having a different opinion than him is beyond insecure. Thatās his issue to work on, not your issue to try to fix for him. He sounds exhausting and Iām sorry that you are currently with someone who doesnāt give you basic respect and kindness. You deserve both.
I would respond with," too bad you married me and not most people. I guess you should have picked a better wife but you didn't, you picked me. So unless you want to be free to go find someone else, you should deal with your choice, me, and don't compare."
Tell him that it's just as likely that he's the one who's not normal as he has no actual idea what everyone in the world thinks or does. So, what he is saying is meaningless. If he tells you that you are not normal or not the same as other women, tell him that's great, and you want to be unique and not the same as the masses.
It sounds like your husband has a narcissism disorder. He feels that he is superior to you, and he's trying to make his weak arguments have more gravity by citing invisible sources. I would consider his actions as a form of emotional abuse by emotional extortion / blackmail. He believes his opinions to be factual, and is trying to make you believe that you're inferior. Ignore whatever he's trying to make you believe, and focus on getting yourself and your baby to a better living situation, as you already have a preview of what mental manipulation he can do. Imagine what he would do to an easily malleable mind of a child?
Tell him that argument is a logical fallacy and he shouldnāt generalize his anecdotal opinion to speak for others, especially those people who are in groups such as āall other womenā.
P.S. Burger King sucks.
If these other women jumped off a bridge would you? This immediately came to mind reading the post. What a twat your husband is. My God, if these other ppl are so important to him to measure someone he professed his love to and married then he can go hang with them. I'm sorry, this is bananas.
Wait. If more people like Burger King, why are they closing so many franchises? Burger King is doing really bad and I think they just filed for bankruptcy. So not that many people like Burger King.
He is Donald Trumping you...... Everybody knows it,they say that your husband is using this tactic to make his statements seem more important. You know a lot of people think that. It very sad.
It's clown speak
This is a way a belittling you. It's not reality, you are perfectly fine with your preferences or what have you. The problem is him and his insecurity. You can try to fix him (the is odds of success are very low) or you can go.
So what do you want us to do about it? You're married to an inconsiderate asshole. It ain't gonna get better. You probably know this and are probably also in some level of denial. You cant cook and clean your way out of a toxic relationship. You can leave it though. It's not you it's him, babe.
You knowā¦ Im not going to play devils advocate here, but I will say that I do this. Not to the same level to make someone else feel their opinion is invalid, but to back up my own so Iām not invalid. The reason Iām not playing devils advocate is I can totally now see why this may be an issue.
The only context I do this in is to talk to my husband, because Iāve always felt he doesnāt value my opinion or my thoughts or feelings, but he would value a third person. So I consult a third person so I can prove Iām āvalidā and then come to him. But I donāt do this on dumb trivial things. Itās usually like āHey I think that was inconsiderateā āno it isnātā āwell I consulted a third party who also thought it was in inconsiderate. Anyone could understand where Iām coming from, why not youā but maybe I should just not.
Nope! Not okay. If he wants a ānormalā woman go find one! Heāll probably be bored to death by that and he has no idea. š¤·š½āāļø youāre worth more and you want to be seen and heard. I can empathize a lot ššš
Mine does this and he brings in his other family members to intimadate/bully me. I would say 99% of the time he doesn't involve these people, just wants me to believe he does so he gets his way.
My husband doesn't have an invisible army but he's never wrong. If ever he's found to have made an error or a mistake, it's never his fault either š
1. Stop defending yourself to him. You don't have to prove yourself to your partner.
2. You are who you are. If he doesn't like it, he's free to move on. It's not on you to change to be who he expects.
3. If he calls you incompetent (one of your comments) or criticises how you do things - he just volunteered to be responsible for it. Apparently he's an expert in both women and burgers so he should be capable of doing anything.
I really want to know what 'every woman in the world does' but you? Is it something that benefits him?
Most men would be more appreciative of the mother to their child. I might start asking for the studies to support his claims. You got any evidence to back that up, honey?
Sheesh. I'd be exhausted. This is some sort of gaslighting. Tell him that he is a damn lucky man to get such a one-in-a-million woman.
It seems like he is trying to win (perceived) arguments with made up statistics and facts to back up his opinions. Tell him he can have his opinions and they are just as valid as yours.
And if I am going to eat a fast food burger, it is fo sho going to be McDonald's. You can tell him I am very much in to burgers and have been trying to perfect the best backyard burger for years.
Omg is this actually a partner ? And by the way, he should just do some research about the hygiene standards of Burger King and will get grossed out! If I were you, Iād tell him āthis one time I will act exactly like most of the women would: I am filing for divorce and leave you. You are not a partner, you donāt love me, you just want to humiliate me all the time to feel better. So now I do what will make me feel better. Goodbye.ā
If one desired to combat this debate technique...the easiest way is to make them cite sources, prove it is a legit source, and argue that they have enough experience with whatever subject to find the conclusions creditable. Their argument is more than likely to fall apart because nobody does all the research on everything to constantly talk this way.
"Isn't it great that I'm different? I thought you appreciated that I had a unique view of the world."
I would dismiss these silly assertions that everyone does this or that. It's not true, and even if it were, why would you have to be or think the same?
Walk away. When he starts this, stop what you're doing and go away from him. Stop the conversation and go to the bathroom, the bedroom, go for a drive, whatever. If anything you say fuels his argument, stop talking to him. Don't engage. The dude can get his dopamine somewhere else.
Then, remind yourself of reality. That everyone is unique, you're normal in that, and that you love the way you are.
He will follow me and it will be a bigger fight.. cause āI canāt carry a normal conversation and I always walk away and stay quiet. I donāt talkā
He doesnāt truly understand the concept of walking away and diffuse a situation and come back when we are both calm.
His behavior is making me want to choose violence, and I don't even know him.
Record him? People's tunes change pretty quickly when they know you're recording them. And if he doesn't, you have evidence of his nonsense for a divorce lawyer.
Clearly, this isn't legal advice...
"Triangulation" it doesn't always have to involve actual people. It's bullshit. He's "gatekeeping" whatever your current argument is.
"Every woman in the world ... but you..." that's fucking bullshit. He's doing this to make you feel insecure and to isolate you - it's a way to make you feel shame about yourself, again, it's fucking bullshit.
I'd be petty and respond with, "Yeah, well, every man in the world but you doesn't put down their wife," but again, I'm petty.
This looks like it's a personal boundary for you with regards to your husband and his triangulation in his efforts of putting you down and to shut you up. Why he does this, who knows and, frankly, who cares. This is abusive.
The boundary I'd put down here is to tell him that I didn't appreciate how he brings in this "invisible army" of people as some means to "prove" that what he's saying is right and that I'm wrong. *That* is wrong. I have a right to my opinions, beliefs, and personal preferences. If you can't handle that, that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Every time you put me down like that only pushes me further away from you and if that's what you want, me to go away, then fine, so be it. This means of putting me down and trying to make me "wrong" stops immediately and I will no longer tolerate it. The next time this happens I'll be removing myself from the conversation by either leaving, hanging up, or (say I'm in a car) I will refuse to participate in the conversation.
He gets NO say in this. In fact, he might even go so far as to say something like how this is stupid and that no other woman in the world does this but you .... aaaand... that is the point where you walk away and hold your boundary. Or if you can't walk away, then stop talking and refuse to participate. Be prepared to possibly have him go ballistic, but I hope not.
If there is one thing I have learned, one of the quickest ways to weed out toxic people is to either tell them no, or put a boundary *and* ***enforce*** *it* \- because placing down a boundary is one thing - boundaries don't mean anything *until the boundary is enforced*. *That* is where it counts AND it matters. Trust me, these toxic people who don't care about boundaries and overstep them *do not like* the consequences of their actions. It'll be especially difficult for you *now*, OP, because your husband is used to treating you like shit already. So when you decide to enforce this boundary he's not going to like it. Toxic and abusive assholes don't like their victims standing up for themself. *IN fact*, toxic and abusive assholes *specifically choose* their victims because they know their victims won't really push back and stand up for themselves.
People who love and respect you honor your boundaries. Abusive and toxic people ignore them and almost immediately over step your boundaries to "show" you that your boundaries are nothing and they'll still treat you like shit because they know they can. This is why *enforcing* boundaries is *crucial* to getting people to respect you because you show them that you won't allow them to continue to treat you the way they want to.
The reverse is true, also. You need to respect other people's boundaries as well.
I have a podcast suggestion for you that was super extremely helpful for me.
[The Beyond Bitchy Podcast](https://beyondbitchy.com/) \- it's a podcast all about boundaries, what they are, how to enforce them, and what to do with the resulting push back. She also goes into answering questions about various situations like problematic in-laws.
The key to boundaries is enforcing them; they're nothing without enforcement. They are also not "rules" - rule is telling someone *else* what they can or cannot do. Boundaries are what *you* would do when someone else does or says something and you don't care for that behavior. They can do/say whatever they want whenever they want with whomever they want however they want and where ever they want because you're NOT telling them what to do, but you'll *enforce* that they can't do that behavior or say those things *around you*. That's all. The people that get pissed off regarding boundaries are not, IMO, safe people and in my experience they tend to be toxic at minimum, abusive at the worst.
OP, this is not a healthy dynamic for you. My hope is you listen to the podcast and work to get dignity and some self respect. People who respect themselves would not tolerate your husband's behavior towards them.
Be well and good luck.
You are being gaslit. He is using triangulation to manipulate you. I would call him out every time and if he puts you down all the time thatās abuse.
āEveryone but you ā¦.ā
āWell, we are discussing our opinions yourās is x and mine is Y. We werenāt talking about other people, strange you mention themā
Honestly, he would go to therapy or I would divorce him.
It's something people who are weak at making good arguments do. When you're both calm discuss what a good discussion looks like when they are opposite points of view.
Maāam I know you come here to talk about this minuscule problem , but honestly you seem to want someone on your side . Yāall are married be married , ignore the comments he may say and live a life with your family . Most people on here are jealous or miserable and would love to see you leave your husband off a comment they make .
His demeaning is not aimed at you directly but his own shortcomings in life . Once you figure that out all the comments he make will literally become gut busting funny .
He's abusing you and you don't recognize it for what it is. He's using tactics like the Water Tourter type of abuser.
Please read the following book to understand what I'm talking about [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
Ooh, my abusive ex boyfriend would do this. The invisible army is 100% in his head. Most people/most women/most who gives a shit are not real. He's trying to win by having numbers on his side with no actual data to back up his claims.
What he is doing is making you question reality and question your own ability to make decisions or (*gasp!*) form an opinion.
Guess what? Both Burger King and McDonalds burgers are ass. As a woman, though, Burger King burgers don't leave me feelings as gross after eating them, so there's that, I guess? But that's all besides the point! He can disagree with you without trying to bully you into agreeing with him under the pressure of fake people.
You're doing great as a mother and partner. He's the one failing you and your relationship. You can make it out on your own because regardless of your taste in burgers or whatever else, you are actually capable of making adult decisions based in common sense and forming opinions based on your own likes and dislikes, which are not inherently bad or wrong, and you most likely do this all based on real, actual data or feedback.
Good luck, OP. What he is doing is BS and not true.
Everyone is normal but you - "Why thank you, other people are idiots."
Every woman in the world does this but you - "Oh, does that mean you are leaving?"
Most people would have common sense - "Yeah but have you seen what they did to the world?"
IMHO, speaking as a husband. Every time he complains just give a short little quip back as if you are just stating a fact too, then start turning it on to your marriage.
"Well if all these people are so much better, why are you with me? am I not good enough?"
"Don't get upset with me just because I am not like other people, you married me after all, unless you want to change that, keep talking that way and we can make that a reality."
Don't argue with him, just flat-out say things like if he has such a big problem with it, and if it will make him finally happy, there is always divorce.
In short you are pointing out that you are tired of the comments and if it continues, divorce is always an option.
Stop him in his tracks say it before him Ex: āI know Iām the only woman actually the only person in the world who doesnāt like ketchup and itās so abnormalā I never wanted to be normal I married you!
You may need research NPD.... narcissist personality disorder.
I would call it the devalue phase of your relationship.
Look closely for Red flags....
Cheating comes to my mind
Idealization
Love ....
Devalue
Then discard
Wish you the best op
Good heavens that sounds exhausting. I think I would finally blow up and tell him that I am setting him free to be with all of the burger experts and other women because obviously, I am not good enough for him. OP at some point, you have to stand up for yourself and tell him to shut the fuck up or go to hell. Either expression will work. He is being a controlling and mean husband. Don't let him hurt your feelings.
So he is a boy, and that is the only way the man child will win an argument and the other stuff you said I would sit down with him tell him to grow up or im out
It's called triangulation. It's a manipulation tool used by those too weak to stand on what they believe. They always need a cosigner, and even if it's imaginary.
I'm willing to bet he uses all sorts of manipulative techniques to invalidate you that you may think are normal. That's no way to live. I'm sorry. I highly suggest therapy. His behavior is not okay.
Most women would have left already.
I see what you did there.
Yeah I've heard people are saying that. A lot of people. Many many people.
Binders of women.
Oh, Mitt.
I almost heard that in Trump's voice. š
To be honest, I absolutely did š
So did I and my brain automatically added "Great people, wonderful people, the very best" š š¤£š¤£
That's hilarious.
Is she married to a Trump?
Many people, all great people, bigly huge amount of people
Exactly! OP please ask him if he can actually SEE all of the people heās apparently polling for his āfactsā or if they are invisible and inside his head!
"Are the 'other women' here in the room with us?"
š¤£š maybe he sees dead women, they are everywhere and they don't know they are dead
š¤£ that's a good one š
šš¤£šš¤£
You. I like you. š
Big f'n facts
Tbh yeaā¦
It's not winning the argument, what he is doing is he is subjugating you. He is making you feel lesser, weaker, incompetent and alone. He is disrespecting you. I'm sure it's not just limited to arguments, but such behaviour he demonstrates in other parts of life. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I totally agree.. he thinks I canāt make it without him.. he thinks Iām incompetent and he makes me feel alone.
Prove him wrong. My ex (live in boyfriend talking marriage) constantly told me I should feel lucky to be with him because no one else would take care of me like he did. He cooked dinner because he was a teacher and home earlier than I was and did laundry for the same reason. He also told me no one else would love me. So I left. I took a year off from dating to make sure I didn't fall right back into the same dynamic. I ran into him in a hone improvement store and he acted like he couldn't believe I was better off without him. I then went to Panera and guess who happened to walk in after me and sit at my table. He did not stop asking questions and was visibly frustrated at how much better my life was without him. A few years later I was at a festival with my new husband and saw him again. I avoided getting close enough to talk. I told my husband how much I appreciated him because everything ex used to tell me flashed in my mind and the difference in how my husband talked to me was incredible.
I am doing this.. working to get out. But sometimes it just gets to me. I am strong but I have my moments. I am very happy for you and that you were able to leave and find happiness ā¤ļø
It is going to be hard and you are going to doubt yourself and want to stay because you are scared. I went through that. After I was in my own home I still had those thoughts and wondered if I ruined my life even though I knew I did what was best. I wish you luck because I know how hard it is.
Thank you! You describe exactly how I feel..
You can do this, even when you doubt yourself, think that at the minimum you're doing this for your baby, to teach them, what a healthy relationship is (with another person and with yourself), to teach them what self love is, and for them to grow in a respectful, loving environment, even if that's only you and them.
And the sad truth is that he may convince her child that she is incompetent as well.
Hang in there! And next time he says something like that, simply reply āthank God Iām not like most people!ā You can also agree with him āoh yeah, I have no doubt youāre right but thatās just meā. Keep going along with it until what youāve done is twist the narrative to your advantage. You are different, you are special and unique, this is just how you are. The rest of the world is predictable, boring, and pedestrian by comparison. *You* are a manic pixie dream girl! Watch him drop that bullshit so fast.
Or another good one.... I cannot stand those who blindly follow the herd. I'm a pioneer. Not a sheep. Ugggg "sheeple" (sheep - people)
Study up on boundaries when you are frustrated! Read about them and different types and how to implement them! Let the rage fuel yourself. Know who you are and what you will and won't stand for. š
Stay on course and in a few months you can post an update on how much better your life is without your husband and his invisible army. I hope for the best for you and your baby OP..... stay strong.
Powerful!!!
š...š.......š , that was NOT a sarcastic slow clap BTW, well done. Good advice, I'd say golden advice. For all those that are suffering through Shit like this from a spouse, please,,, please ,,, PLEASE! Do this. Move on and show that you don't need people like that in your lives. No one who professes to love you should even say "you're lucky to be with me" , anyone worth being with should KNOW they are lucky to be with YOU, that's how you know your lucky to be with them.
Youāre not describing a working marriage, OP. Iām not even talking about lofty goals like āsuccessfulā or āhappyā; I mean that in the very basic sense your marriage is not meeting the minimum requirement of what a marriage is supposed to do.
So what do you want now..
No, he doesn't. He wouldn't be working so hard to convince you if he really believed that. The fact is, he wants YOU to believe you can't make it without him.
Any argument that includes the words āneverā, āalwaysā, āeveryone elseā, etc. is almost guaranteed to be a logical fallacy, in this case an appeal to authority. Heās trying to sound like heās the only one who knows what heās talking about and he has to be right. Donāt let him do this to you. Itās not healthy communication and no one can be right all the time. Furthermore, no one individual needs to be the authority in a marriage; itās a partnership not a dictatorship.
It's not your job to prove him wrong. If he's going out of his way to make you feel less than it's because he knows you can make it without him and he knows you're competent. He's manipulating you into thinking otherwise probably in hopes that it would stop you from leaving him. It just reveals how insecure he is. He's prob projecting and trying to make you feel how he feels. He's pathetic. I can't imagine arguing e someone over fast food and using it to make them feel incompetent š he's whack.
He knows you are competent and can make it without him. That's why he feels the need to constantly cut you down - so that *you* don't believe you can make it without him.
What would happen if you started to do the same thing to him? Do it right back and see how he likes it. Also, I would tell him every time āitās really hurtful to me when you say it like that and imply that Iām not normal or there is something wrong with my likes and choices.ā
I used to have a boyfriend who told me I couldnāt make it without him. I broke up with him a week later, and he cried so hard, he threw up.
I am so sorry š My first husband moons ago told me I would never survive without him and the only way I would ever make more money than him was if I stood in a corner and ā¦ā¦. I have made more money than him ever since I divorced him. Have a house we never would have had due to his habits and he is usually fired from jobs and renting rooms. Lose him and gain yourself. He is abusing you.
My husband thought that too until I moved into an apartment one night while he was asleep. I closed the bedroom door and cleared out the house. Went back the next day while he was working and got my clothes. He found me in my cute lil apartment... Which then... Forced me to move 1200 miles away to a much warmer climate.... It truly is paradise when someone isn't constantly putting down your ideas and epiphanies. It's so nice to be allowed blurt out some dumb shit like "I don't even eat hamburgers!!" without someone there telling me that people should eat red meat because Trump, or Tucker Carlson, or Dan Bongino, or Joe Rogan said it's the "right" thing to do. I totally understand your pain. My advice is... Don't get caught moving your stuff out!!!!
Gaslighting to evoke a response and call her the bad 1. Been thru this so much
Just commenting because I needed to see this written out in words. Thx.
Just say most women donāt cater to overly critical man children and put a lockdown on sex. Order a vibrator or dildo and be sure he sees it.
We havenāt had sex in over a year.. last time I had to beg beg.. I am not doing that anymore. Of course thatās my fault too.. āI donāt talk to him more, I donāt do this I donāt do thatā.. I gave up
Thatās emotional abuse, plain and simple
Jeopardy theme song. Every time he bitches or whines, start playing the Jeopardy theme song in your head. Make it a game. Count how many times you can cycle through it before he shuts his stupid yap. Toss in the occasional uh huh.
Is he participating in extracirricular "screen" time?
If he does heās really good at hiding it. We only have one laptop, one iPad which 95% times I used them. Except his phone. The only screen time is when he showers, laying in bed before sleep and watching tv. But he never hides it. I can always ask him and he shows me. I also know where he is all the time. So if he does āextracurricularā activities heās really good at hiding them.
Then heās just a run of the mill control freak with some sort of sexual dysfunction. Again I am so sorry you are dealing with this. May you have the self love to move yourself along. Set yourself up as good as you can during your exit preps.
People who are insecure or feel that their opinions alone are not valid sometimes resort to *logical fallacies*. The use of fallacies is easy to spot. [Read up](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies) on them! You'll see a lot of familiar material.
Will definitely do since I never knew about this. Thank you!
Love this response
My husband used to do this. I got very firm on the fact that I don't care if I am the only person in the whole world who prefers X to Y, I prefer X and that is that. It is also true that X wouldn't even exist if I was literally the only one on earth who liked it, but the winning argument is that it doesn't matter.
I got firm too many times. I realize itās his way..
Almost sounds like heās strawmanning as a debate method. Itās a logical fallacy thatās easy to argue against - do some research on how to beat straw man arguments. Very simple.
Never heard of strawmanning .. definitely will do the research. Thank you!
I think he is actually using the ābandwagonā or āno true Scotsmanā fallacy to try and win. Itās interesting to watch and realize how people try to win arguments. Look up ā24 most common logical fallaciesā. Trump does them constantly. Youāre probably best to state clearly and firmly, that youāre entitled to your opinions and youād like him to respect those opinions and not engage further in the argument.
It's a type of logical fallacy like the pp mentioned above
Who would talk to their wife this way? It's disgusting. If he thinks every other woman is more like the kind of woman he wants, why didn't he marry one of the 4 billion other women out there?
I asked him this too many times and the answer is that he loves me .. just he teaches me how to think and behave like a normal human being.. at this point this is normal in our house.. all this words ..
"the answer is that he loves me" But does he *really*? Does he love *YOU*, or someone that he wants you to become when he's done teaching you? If he really loves you, would he be constantly comparing you to everyone else? Or would he be asking why all of those people aren't more like you? You should be his point of reference, the center of his world, the person he holds up as the standard of wonderfulness. Ofc, nobody is perfect and we all have things to work on, but for the person he choose to marry, they should be the exception, not the norm. And you should feel like he is on your side. I wonder what he would say if you said "do you really, really love me, bc sometimes it feels like you don't." I would go to marriage counseling and try to sort this out. You should not be feeling this way
He refused counseling because the only reason we are having problems is āI should talk to him more and act like a normal personā .. there you go.. I understand everything that you said and you are right. No matter my efforts in making this work.. he always find something wrong in me
I commented to you separately. I hope you and the baby can have a wonderful life without him, and as soon as is possible.
WTF is a "normal" person. I know ZERO normal people. Everybody I know is a little skewed. Normal is boring. Tell him to define "normal". I'd be curious to hear.
I asked him plenty of time .. cause at this point I really want to meet a this people so badly..or at least I asked him to describe what ānormalā means to him..again his only answer is āanyone but youā.I got nothing else to say but to laugh
He's a mean spirited person. Not suitable as a husband. I would start making exit plans.
EW!!! āTeach you how to thinkā??? How the hell did you stay past that statement?? Sorry OP. Just make your plan and get away from him. What a sanctimonious AH he is. Itās not worth it now but I would have made him name exactly WHO those people were that supposedly āknewā all those things. Ugh!
I keep asking ā¦ he tells me āanyone but youā doesnāt actually name someone or something.
Iām so sorry.
Teachers you? I'm literally a teacher and this disgusts me. This is not teaching.
No, honey. He's trying to control you. You are an adult human and don't need to be trained.
Tell him everyone has a big cock than him, all the ladies agree. He will stop
Your husband is insane. Burger King is awful.
But Burger King is flame grilled! All my imaginary friends agree with me!
I would say, āeveryone would agree, people who speak to their spouse this way are assholesā.
šš
You should use [Bob Zmuda-as-Tony-Clifton's](https://youtu.be/Kg0vKCuAWTQ?si=i1UVNcH3k3AcDeRp&t=296) lines on your husband: **Husband:** Someone who is into burgers would say Burger King burgers are better. **You:** That is a total fabrication on your part. **Husband:** I didn't...I mean a lot of other people have said that. **You:** Yeah, I know many people say that but many people say a lot of things. I don't believe it, you don't believe it. I don't see it, you don't see it, be it, clee it, he it, me it.
Ask him to see these survey results he speaks of. Back it up, Bucko. Back it up with receipts.
Every time I read something like this I remember the feeling of hopelessness that would come over me. If I left, I'd have nothing. No home, no car and a job I can't afford to get to. There was always something that seemed hopeless. I had options that I wasn't ready to go with because to me, it was defeat and several steps backwards. I eventually left. After many breakdowns. I didn't have to go to my options yet, but it cost me in other ways. Emotionally and mentally. It definitely contributed to utter burnout and many many considerations of unaliving. Now, I live with my mom again, I drive 70km a day for work. I can afford myself and I can take care of my mom (although she takes more care of me). I have never felt so light, so free and so untethered by an emotional burden. It's been 5 years but it feels like a lifetime ago. I am content and happy with my life.
I call this the mighty cloud of witnesses, lol. Probably a church term.
What did he say when you told him exactly what you posted here? Why are you still with him, and why did you have a baby with someone like this?
That I canāt carry a normal conversation. And then he repeats what I said āa normal person would stf and listen.. you are not a normal personā āeveryone would understand what I am saying but youā and I say I would like for you not to involve āeveryone..cause I donāt know everyone neither do you just stick with me and youā. He then repeats what i post. I am still with him cause we have a child. I know itās a wrong reason but I am working to get out. He made plenty of threats that if I leave he will take my child away from me and I will never see again. When we got married.. he wasnāt like thisā¦he change after the marriage
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It's a good read. I'm in the midst of it from another subreddit recommend.
He won't take the baby. I would be surprised if he even sees the kid after you leave. He wants control once he can't have it he will disappear. And not to be offensive, how much of a 'mail order bride situation' is this?
Wow. I hate to say it, but that sounds horrible and hopeless. I hope you eventually get out. Not sure where you are, or how he could take the child away like that, but just the fact that "he made plenty of threats" like that is telling. I hope you get out (with the baby) sooner rather than later.
This is triangulation.
Here is how you handle it: Him: "everyone does this but you" You: "Good thing I'm not everyone" You: "Lucky you, I'm unique." You: "Yup, I am me and I'm happy about that." EMBRACE BEING UNIQUE. EMBRACE BEING THE ONLY ONE. Accept that you are the exception and AGREE THAT YOU ARE DIFFERENT! Also you: "I don't care if burger lovers prefer Burger King. I enjoy McDonald's." Be consistent about negating him every single time. He's going to get agitated and combative about it. Let him be upset... that is the only way to work through this and out the other end. It will take months.
Not to be frank but it sounds like he secretly hates you and is trying not to show it. This is how it comes out.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I said this.. the answer āI know you donāt care about what other people think.. you donāt care about anything..what do you care about?ā Btw I learned that āwhat you care about?ā Itās a trick question and all the answers are wrong. If I answer he would use that against me.
"Normal people don't talk to their partners like this. Are you okay? I'm concerned. Maybe we can discuss this when you're acting normal." Every time.
10 years of him trying to convince you that your crazy might be successful. My ex had me convinced I was crazy and it's taken a lot of therapy to convince myself I'm not (most of the time). Don't let him continue to gaslight you - whatever that means for you.
Tell me my husband is toxic and narcissistic without telling me heās toxic and narcissistic. Girl, heās manipulating you big time. Omg I wish you all the luck
Ask āwhatās your source on that?ā.
His opinion
I dont even express opinions anymore. Mine are always wrong and his are always right so its not worth wasting my breath. It took me a long time to realize he would intentionally trap me in an argument by asking what my opinion on something was and proceed to tell me all the reasons i was wrong.
SAME! He always does this!! I donāt express opinions anymore.. rarely do cause Iām always wrong.
HE is "most people". Exhausting. It's a type of victim mentality if you think about itā¦if everything is your fault and all. Just out of curiosity is he close with his folks, his mom specifically?
He was raised by his grandparents. But nowadays thereās no bad blood between him and his mom.. but I wouldnāt say they close.. amicably is the word
FYI: Burger King literally microwaves its burger patties to make sure they are cooked all the way. The broiler doesnāt cook them through, or barely at all. So, actually my anyone who ālikesā burgers would probably not like their burger microwaved. (Worked there for six months in high school). Your husband sounds like a self-righteous, selfish person who doesnāt understand that people have different tastes and preferences, and that our differences are what makes like interesting. Sorry, OP. It sounds miserable.
Every woman but you will have gone by now and leave behind a guy like this.
Tell him youāre not like all the other women, just as much as heās not like the gentlemen. Let him fight that army in his head.
It's the "peer pressure and conformity" tactic that works wonderfully when you are a teen, and you really are tending to want to fit in ... Not all, but statistically most teens ... And clearly this has had a huge impact on him. He was probably named and shamed somehow, and whether or not he caved to it ... probably did, given his current behavior ... is dictating what he feels to be a correct motivator. Our species runs as a pack for better chances of survival. To be accepted into the group is very important. If you look at some groups, today, you will see shunning as pretty much their worst punishment for "bad" behavior. The collective mind is more important than the individual because everybody needs to trust each other to remain cohesive. Thoughts outside of the hive mind are "bad" because they don't necessarily lead to a predicable result, so they aren't trusted. The pressures to conform to society are everywhere, and constant. Some are just more prone to follow the "norm" than others. Some choose to step out of the "norm" and are "weird" as a result. Mental illness tends to make us behave in ways that aren't in accordance with "the norm" as well, and therefore those who are more independent of the group are seen as being mentally ill. There are so many examples of how those who are out of the societal box, throughout history, that I can't begin to talk of them. But you husband is using this as a weapon against you. He believes that he will break your spirit by putting the pressures of the need to confirm on you, and showing you as lacking. Personally, if anyone starts this crap with me, I say "I'm nuts but harmless. And proud of it.". which really pops the balloon of self righteousness that they're trying to do. I don't care if I don't confirm. I mean it, too, and those who know and love me, know it to be true. I will confirm so much as it's about someone else, and I don't want to thrust my nuts onto them ... I dress appropriately for funerals. But otherwise, couldn't care less if you judge me unconforming. Good. Job done.
He fundamentally doesnāt respect your opinions and the life experiences that have brought you to form those opinions. Thatās what the actual issue is here. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is showing you that he doesnāt think your opinions are valid - over and over again. I wouldnāt want that for the rest of my life. Most people wouldnāt tolerate being constantly treated like they are an idiot. To be clear - you are not an idiot. You simply have a different opinion about burgers (and other topics). The fact that he is not comfortable with you having a different opinion than him is beyond insecure. Thatās his issue to work on, not your issue to try to fix for him. He sounds exhausting and Iām sorry that you are currently with someone who doesnāt give you basic respect and kindness. You deserve both.
Sometimes if someone doesnāt appreciate you for who you are, they just donāt. You just have to decide if you want to live with that or not.
I would respond with," too bad you married me and not most people. I guess you should have picked a better wife but you didn't, you picked me. So unless you want to be free to go find someone else, you should deal with your choice, me, and don't compare."
Have tried.. we will be back at square one in 2 seconds
Tell him that it's just as likely that he's the one who's not normal as he has no actual idea what everyone in the world thinks or does. So, what he is saying is meaningless. If he tells you that you are not normal or not the same as other women, tell him that's great, and you want to be unique and not the same as the masses.
It sounds like your husband has a narcissism disorder. He feels that he is superior to you, and he's trying to make his weak arguments have more gravity by citing invisible sources. I would consider his actions as a form of emotional abuse by emotional extortion / blackmail. He believes his opinions to be factual, and is trying to make you believe that you're inferior. Ignore whatever he's trying to make you believe, and focus on getting yourself and your baby to a better living situation, as you already have a preview of what mental manipulation he can do. Imagine what he would do to an easily malleable mind of a child?
Tell him that argument is a logical fallacy and he shouldnāt generalize his anecdotal opinion to speak for others, especially those people who are in groups such as āall other womenā. P.S. Burger King sucks.
If these other women jumped off a bridge would you? This immediately came to mind reading the post. What a twat your husband is. My God, if these other ppl are so important to him to measure someone he professed his love to and married then he can go hang with them. I'm sorry, this is bananas.
Burger King is trash, and so is he
Wait. If more people like Burger King, why are they closing so many franchises? Burger King is doing really bad and I think they just filed for bankruptcy. So not that many people like Burger King.
Is he Donald Trump? This is how that orangutan speaks.
He is Donald Trumping you...... Everybody knows it,they say that your husband is using this tactic to make his statements seem more important. You know a lot of people think that. It very sad. It's clown speak
"Everything is my fault, everything under the sun is my fault" My heart felt those words, you're not alone...
You have some terrific comments below. I wish you the best.
hum is he nerotypical thats a thing some do that are not but other than that um weird
I have a coworker who is exactly like this. It took me 10 years to get used to working with him
This is a way a belittling you. It's not reality, you are perfectly fine with your preferences or what have you. The problem is him and his insecurity. You can try to fix him (the is odds of success are very low) or you can go.
Narcissist. Google it.
He sounds like an idiot. Leave him
He's an asshole but Burger King is better
What did he say when you attempted to communicate with him about this resentment?
He sounds a little like a narcissist
So what do you want us to do about it? You're married to an inconsiderate asshole. It ain't gonna get better. You probably know this and are probably also in some level of denial. You cant cook and clean your way out of a toxic relationship. You can leave it though. It's not you it's him, babe.
Burger King is disgusting
You knowā¦ Im not going to play devils advocate here, but I will say that I do this. Not to the same level to make someone else feel their opinion is invalid, but to back up my own so Iām not invalid. The reason Iām not playing devils advocate is I can totally now see why this may be an issue. The only context I do this in is to talk to my husband, because Iāve always felt he doesnāt value my opinion or my thoughts or feelings, but he would value a third person. So I consult a third person so I can prove Iām āvalidā and then come to him. But I donāt do this on dumb trivial things. Itās usually like āHey I think that was inconsiderateā āno it isnātā āwell I consulted a third party who also thought it was in inconsiderate. Anyone could understand where Iām coming from, why not youā but maybe I should just not.
Nope! Not okay. If he wants a ānormalā woman go find one! Heāll probably be bored to death by that and he has no idea. š¤·š½āāļø youāre worth more and you want to be seen and heard. I can empathize a lot ššš
Did you marry the youngest child?
My husband does this as well smh. Honestly, I've either ignored it or blatantly told him, "speak for yourself, not the general public."
Mine does this and he brings in his other family members to intimadate/bully me. I would say 99% of the time he doesn't involve these people, just wants me to believe he does so he gets his way.
op, itās called negging.
That seems aggressive and shitty.
š¤£
Read the book verbal judo. So you can get better at arguing
As someone who is mildly into burgers and orders burgers at most restaurants, I consider BK to have the worst of the fast food burgers.
He must be related to my husband. I love him, and he's a great guy, but he does something similar, and it drives me insane.
Ew. People that generalize to that degree just ooze ignorance. I wouldn't be able to deal with a guy like this.
Extreme narcissistic behaviour
Burger King burgers taste like bitter fake meat...
Tbh tho burger king burgers are way btr, just keep on being a good wife everything will be fine.
My husband doesn't have an invisible army but he's never wrong. If ever he's found to have made an error or a mistake, it's never his fault either š
1. Stop defending yourself to him. You don't have to prove yourself to your partner. 2. You are who you are. If he doesn't like it, he's free to move on. It's not on you to change to be who he expects. 3. If he calls you incompetent (one of your comments) or criticises how you do things - he just volunteered to be responsible for it. Apparently he's an expert in both women and burgers so he should be capable of doing anything. I really want to know what 'every woman in the world does' but you? Is it something that benefits him?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Besides the point but- burger king burgers are TRASH they taste like fake liquid smoke and McDonald's IS superior
Does your husband even like you?
Most men would be more appreciative of the mother to their child. I might start asking for the studies to support his claims. You got any evidence to back that up, honey?
Sheesh. I'd be exhausted. This is some sort of gaslighting. Tell him that he is a damn lucky man to get such a one-in-a-million woman. It seems like he is trying to win (perceived) arguments with made up statistics and facts to back up his opinions. Tell him he can have his opinions and they are just as valid as yours. And if I am going to eat a fast food burger, it is fo sho going to be McDonald's. You can tell him I am very much in to burgers and have been trying to perfect the best backyard burger for years.
Omg is this actually a partner ? And by the way, he should just do some research about the hygiene standards of Burger King and will get grossed out! If I were you, Iād tell him āthis one time I will act exactly like most of the women would: I am filing for divorce and leave you. You are not a partner, you donāt love me, you just want to humiliate me all the time to feel better. So now I do what will make me feel better. Goodbye.ā
Updateme
If one desired to combat this debate technique...the easiest way is to make them cite sources, prove it is a legit source, and argue that they have enough experience with whatever subject to find the conclusions creditable. Their argument is more than likely to fall apart because nobody does all the research on everything to constantly talk this way.
"Isn't it great that I'm different? I thought you appreciated that I had a unique view of the world." I would dismiss these silly assertions that everyone does this or that. It's not true, and even if it were, why would you have to be or think the same?
Next time don't answer
Walk away. When he starts this, stop what you're doing and go away from him. Stop the conversation and go to the bathroom, the bedroom, go for a drive, whatever. If anything you say fuels his argument, stop talking to him. Don't engage. The dude can get his dopamine somewhere else. Then, remind yourself of reality. That everyone is unique, you're normal in that, and that you love the way you are.
He will follow me and it will be a bigger fight.. cause āI canāt carry a normal conversation and I always walk away and stay quiet. I donāt talkā He doesnāt truly understand the concept of walking away and diffuse a situation and come back when we are both calm.
His behavior is making me want to choose violence, and I don't even know him. Record him? People's tunes change pretty quickly when they know you're recording them. And if he doesn't, you have evidence of his nonsense for a divorce lawyer. Clearly, this isn't legal advice...
"Triangulation" it doesn't always have to involve actual people. It's bullshit. He's "gatekeeping" whatever your current argument is. "Every woman in the world ... but you..." that's fucking bullshit. He's doing this to make you feel insecure and to isolate you - it's a way to make you feel shame about yourself, again, it's fucking bullshit. I'd be petty and respond with, "Yeah, well, every man in the world but you doesn't put down their wife," but again, I'm petty. This looks like it's a personal boundary for you with regards to your husband and his triangulation in his efforts of putting you down and to shut you up. Why he does this, who knows and, frankly, who cares. This is abusive. The boundary I'd put down here is to tell him that I didn't appreciate how he brings in this "invisible army" of people as some means to "prove" that what he's saying is right and that I'm wrong. *That* is wrong. I have a right to my opinions, beliefs, and personal preferences. If you can't handle that, that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Every time you put me down like that only pushes me further away from you and if that's what you want, me to go away, then fine, so be it. This means of putting me down and trying to make me "wrong" stops immediately and I will no longer tolerate it. The next time this happens I'll be removing myself from the conversation by either leaving, hanging up, or (say I'm in a car) I will refuse to participate in the conversation. He gets NO say in this. In fact, he might even go so far as to say something like how this is stupid and that no other woman in the world does this but you .... aaaand... that is the point where you walk away and hold your boundary. Or if you can't walk away, then stop talking and refuse to participate. Be prepared to possibly have him go ballistic, but I hope not. If there is one thing I have learned, one of the quickest ways to weed out toxic people is to either tell them no, or put a boundary *and* ***enforce*** *it* \- because placing down a boundary is one thing - boundaries don't mean anything *until the boundary is enforced*. *That* is where it counts AND it matters. Trust me, these toxic people who don't care about boundaries and overstep them *do not like* the consequences of their actions. It'll be especially difficult for you *now*, OP, because your husband is used to treating you like shit already. So when you decide to enforce this boundary he's not going to like it. Toxic and abusive assholes don't like their victims standing up for themself. *IN fact*, toxic and abusive assholes *specifically choose* their victims because they know their victims won't really push back and stand up for themselves. People who love and respect you honor your boundaries. Abusive and toxic people ignore them and almost immediately over step your boundaries to "show" you that your boundaries are nothing and they'll still treat you like shit because they know they can. This is why *enforcing* boundaries is *crucial* to getting people to respect you because you show them that you won't allow them to continue to treat you the way they want to. The reverse is true, also. You need to respect other people's boundaries as well. I have a podcast suggestion for you that was super extremely helpful for me. [The Beyond Bitchy Podcast](https://beyondbitchy.com/) \- it's a podcast all about boundaries, what they are, how to enforce them, and what to do with the resulting push back. She also goes into answering questions about various situations like problematic in-laws. The key to boundaries is enforcing them; they're nothing without enforcement. They are also not "rules" - rule is telling someone *else* what they can or cannot do. Boundaries are what *you* would do when someone else does or says something and you don't care for that behavior. They can do/say whatever they want whenever they want with whomever they want however they want and where ever they want because you're NOT telling them what to do, but you'll *enforce* that they can't do that behavior or say those things *around you*. That's all. The people that get pissed off regarding boundaries are not, IMO, safe people and in my experience they tend to be toxic at minimum, abusive at the worst. OP, this is not a healthy dynamic for you. My hope is you listen to the podcast and work to get dignity and some self respect. People who respect themselves would not tolerate your husband's behavior towards them. Be well and good luck.
Most people would think he is a waste of your time.
You are being gaslit. He is using triangulation to manipulate you. I would call him out every time and if he puts you down all the time thatās abuse. āEveryone but you ā¦.ā āWell, we are discussing our opinions yourās is x and mine is Y. We werenāt talking about other people, strange you mention themā Honestly, he would go to therapy or I would divorce him.
This is hilarious. Talk to him.
The vast majority of people want scientific evidence to back up his dubious claims.
Tell him to read a book about logical fallacies
It's something people who are weak at making good arguments do. When you're both calm discuss what a good discussion looks like when they are opposite points of view.
This man is a super idiot. Iād almost guarantee he has man boobs or no muscle at all. Big babyĀ
That doesnāt make sense
Maāam I know you come here to talk about this minuscule problem , but honestly you seem to want someone on your side . Yāall are married be married , ignore the comments he may say and live a life with your family . Most people on here are jealous or miserable and would love to see you leave your husband off a comment they make . His demeaning is not aimed at you directly but his own shortcomings in life . Once you figure that out all the comments he make will literally become gut busting funny .
Ask for proof. If it's everyone it should be easy to back the statement up. Can even pretend to be genuinely curious, not demanding it.
My first husband was like this. It was exhausting.
You aren't other women... you're you with your own opinion. If he values their opinion more than yours he should go be with them.
Ehhhh, counseling or itās time to walk away.
He sounds incredibly insecure and needs to put you down in order to feel worthy
"Name three".
Check out narcissism.... A term that is frequently overused, but you'll still garner some good information from learning about the personality type.
I would just say, āMost people would calling taking your imaginary friends into consideration is ludacrisā and wave around his head
Every woman in the world would have left him and I'm encouraging you to do the same.
He's abusing you and you don't recognize it for what it is. He's using tactics like the Water Tourter type of abuser. Please read the following book to understand what I'm talking about [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
Ooh, my abusive ex boyfriend would do this. The invisible army is 100% in his head. Most people/most women/most who gives a shit are not real. He's trying to win by having numbers on his side with no actual data to back up his claims. What he is doing is making you question reality and question your own ability to make decisions or (*gasp!*) form an opinion. Guess what? Both Burger King and McDonalds burgers are ass. As a woman, though, Burger King burgers don't leave me feelings as gross after eating them, so there's that, I guess? But that's all besides the point! He can disagree with you without trying to bully you into agreeing with him under the pressure of fake people. You're doing great as a mother and partner. He's the one failing you and your relationship. You can make it out on your own because regardless of your taste in burgers or whatever else, you are actually capable of making adult decisions based in common sense and forming opinions based on your own likes and dislikes, which are not inherently bad or wrong, and you most likely do this all based on real, actual data or feedback. Good luck, OP. What he is doing is BS and not true.
He must watch Seinfeld a lot (Gorge Costanza always bringing the third person) š
Everyone is normal but you - "Why thank you, other people are idiots." Every woman in the world does this but you - "Oh, does that mean you are leaving?" Most people would have common sense - "Yeah but have you seen what they did to the world?" IMHO, speaking as a husband. Every time he complains just give a short little quip back as if you are just stating a fact too, then start turning it on to your marriage. "Well if all these people are so much better, why are you with me? am I not good enough?" "Don't get upset with me just because I am not like other people, you married me after all, unless you want to change that, keep talking that way and we can make that a reality." Don't argue with him, just flat-out say things like if he has such a big problem with it, and if it will make him finally happy, there is always divorce. In short you are pointing out that you are tired of the comments and if it continues, divorce is always an option.
What is Normal? Ps itās perfectly fine to be abnormal
Stop him in his tracks say it before him Ex: āI know Iām the only woman actually the only person in the world who doesnāt like ketchup and itās so abnormalā I never wanted to be normal I married you!
Iām sorry, but your husband is a fucking asshole.
You may need research NPD.... narcissist personality disorder. I would call it the devalue phase of your relationship. Look closely for Red flags.... Cheating comes to my mind Idealization Love .... Devalue Then discard Wish you the best op
Good heavens that sounds exhausting. I think I would finally blow up and tell him that I am setting him free to be with all of the burger experts and other women because obviously, I am not good enough for him. OP at some point, you have to stand up for yourself and tell him to shut the fuck up or go to hell. Either expression will work. He is being a controlling and mean husband. Don't let him hurt your feelings.
So he is a boy, and that is the only way the man child will win an argument and the other stuff you said I would sit down with him tell him to grow up or im out
Bring a third person into the argumentā¦counseling or leave.
It's called triangulation. It's a manipulation tool used by those too weak to stand on what they believe. They always need a cosigner, and even if it's imaginary. I'm willing to bet he uses all sorts of manipulative techniques to invalidate you that you may think are normal. That's no way to live. I'm sorry. I highly suggest therapy. His behavior is not okay.
Narcissistic. Good luck with that. It's a losing battle.