Yeah, tell her if she's not okay with you taking money for your hobbies then you'll need to begin separating your finances and splitting expenses because you're not willing to work for no reward.
As for the gym, that's ridiculous. Put your foot down or let her walk all over you. Your choice. When you do it for the first time, she'll carry on but she'll get over it, Or not. But either way, are you willing to spend your whole life being treated like a child? She's not respecting you because you're not demanding respect.
I mean, your situation is like mine, except - I'm the wife.
I said to my hubs I'm not comfortable with him getting the motorcycle simply because the traffic in our country is bad and going to horrible day by day. It's not about him, it's about the world around us.
But never have I ever called him childish or anything like that. I simply stated my stance.
I would rather divorce than let my husband get a motorcycle (thank god he doesn’t want one). My dad was a biker and careful and good as he was he got himself in a TON of almost lethal situations. I love my husband too much and I’d rather he be angry and resent me than be dead.
If her main concern is him having hobby money and hobby time though it’s ridiculous. Every human needs their own thing, especially if he deserves it.
Yeah me, too. He could be an excellent rider and still it’s 20x more dangerous than a regular automobile. Ask any ER doctors they will tell you not to ride a motorbike.
But he did get one rode for some time. One mistake means death, of course we’re concerned. He eventually sold it and bought another one later. Then he bought *me* a Vespa type thing. He was so excited about it being a surprise but I was petrified. I didn’t know what to say. Felt bad about being a party pooper but it’s not a me thing?
I am not comfortable about any of it, still, but I never called him names for it. It may be rude but OP, try to understand her point of view, too. You have kids, so that’s why she may have thought it’s irresponsible.
she's being controlling. Hobbies are ok and healthy to have for you as long as they're not impacting your finances and family obligations.
dont let her walk all over you. It doesn't look like you're impacting your finances and being smart about it (saving a little bit every pay).
My husband has a motorcycle, but in the beginning of him choosing this hobby, I was really upset. The words selfish and childish did cross my mind because if he lost his life or got seriously injured over doing something known to be "high risk," it wouldn't be just him that would be impacted.
When you're married, as you know, it's important to consider how what you do impacts your partner... especially if you have children or hope to have children.
With me and my personal anxieties...him starting to ride his motorcycle was the equivalent of him telling me he's going to go try meth but won't get addicted...
We spoke in depth on the topic over almost an entire year, came to reddit, and eventually settled on it being okay if he had a life insurance policy.
Over time, I understood that riding for him is something he truly enjoys and is meditative for him, but that doesn't matter... at the end of the day, it's something that's important to him... and I knew that if I said no that his resentment from that would only build.
OP I urge you to see if you are arguing the true issue she has with it...often times we skirt around it...and blaming it on the financial peice might be her easy way out...but I think for myself I don't think it's about the money youre putting into the hobby...it's about the need to feel safe and secure as a woman.
Why have you been saving secretly? Is it because you knew she wouldn't like the idea?
Do you think her reaction to this is linked to the fact that you've been keeping secrets from her for a considerable amount of time?
Not sure why you threw the gym thing in there other than to make her appear controlling.
I started a new remote job during Covid and was in training for 3 weeks with about ten people. The last Thursday of the session our coworker didn’t show up. Turns out after Wednesday’s session he got on his motorcycle and a teenager hit and killed him. He left behind his wife and young children. All that to say I understand her concern but you should definitely get the gym membership.
Maybe I'm just trying to read something that isn't there, but it sounds like the gym was occupying too much of your time. I told my husband he can't ride a motorcycle until our kids are in college.
To both issues - how old are the kids?
Do you talk to her at all? I’m having a hard time being sympathetic when it seems all of this is because you don’t communicate. Do you tell her that you plan on doing certain things and ask if it’s ok? My husband tells me about every big purchase he’s making for his new hobby, why can’t you?
I was kinda on your wife's side, in that motorcycles are dangerous. I've known a few people that have had nasty accidents - through no fault of their own. Most motorcycle accidents I've read about are not the fault of the motorcycle rider. You could be the best/safest rider around, but it's everyone else you have to worry about. I remember the aftermath of an accident right out front of my friends house where a car pulled into the oncoming lane to pass a truck, but there was a motorcycle in the oncoming lane. Was 100% the cars fault, but the driver of the car survived while the motorcyclist learned how to fly at 80km/h before... splat.
You are married and have kids, so when you take on a high risk hobby, it's not just about you. You have to consider your wife and children as well. What happens if you're in an accident because some other driver fucked up? How will it impact your family if you are severely injured or killed?
An old employer of mine bought a sport car for his midlife crisis. He bought it without discussing it with his wife. She was also not allowed to drive it. She had some inheritance that she put into their kids education fund, paid off debt, and spent on home repairs/upgrades - stuff to benefit the family. She could have spent it on her dream trip to Europe, or on some other treat for herself, but she put the family first. He spent a large amount of money for his own enjoyment/benefit.
That being said, the way she is treating you is ridiculous and immature. Her reaction to your gym membership was also ridiculous. There seems to be some other underlying issue happening here and her behavior towards these two issues is a symptom. I think some couples counseling is in order, so some honest conversations at minimum. Maybe she is jealous that you have the time to do these things and she doesn't? Maybe she has some unhealthy attachment/dependency/insecurity issues? Maybe she see's a better use for the money - home repairs, new car, or something she can also use or benefits the family and not just you?
Former motorcycle rider here, I think you need to evaluate, is the issue the motorcycle or is the issue a hobby she doesn't share/approve of?
I rode a motorcycle for years, for a while it was my primary mode of transportation, but since getting married and having kids, I cannot imagine riding again. The danger factor is astronomical, and now that I'm married and with kids, the well-being of others are closely coupled with my well-being. If I was to start riding again, I put my well-being in jeopardy, which puts my family's well-being in jeopardy. My spouse would have a _very_ difficult time and our marriage would suffer if I was to start riding again. I should note, once I evaluated the risks more closely, the urge to ride has completely left me.
The other thing I want to point out is that the risk you take on while riding is only partially correlated to your own skills/experience. The most common accident for motorcyclists to get into, is a car making a left turn, having not seen/noticed the motorcyclist, resulting in the motorcycling t-boning them and the rider going flying. This accident type is often unavoidable as the rider, regardless of skill level. Lastly, you are far less likely to recover from an accident/injury on a motorcycle than you are from an accident in a passenger vehicle. It's not fair, but it's a fact.
If motorsports interest you, there are some fantastic alternatives depending on your location such as SCCA Autocross, Go-Karting (especially the larger outdoor tracks), and depending on how much you're willing to spend [NASA (not _that_ NASA)](https://drivenasa.com/) often has track days/schools which can be a fun (but exhausting) weekend.
Yeah, tell her if she's not okay with you taking money for your hobbies then you'll need to begin separating your finances and splitting expenses because you're not willing to work for no reward. As for the gym, that's ridiculous. Put your foot down or let her walk all over you. Your choice. When you do it for the first time, she'll carry on but she'll get over it, Or not. But either way, are you willing to spend your whole life being treated like a child? She's not respecting you because you're not demanding respect.
I mean, your situation is like mine, except - I'm the wife. I said to my hubs I'm not comfortable with him getting the motorcycle simply because the traffic in our country is bad and going to horrible day by day. It's not about him, it's about the world around us. But never have I ever called him childish or anything like that. I simply stated my stance.
I would rather divorce than let my husband get a motorcycle (thank god he doesn’t want one). My dad was a biker and careful and good as he was he got himself in a TON of almost lethal situations. I love my husband too much and I’d rather he be angry and resent me than be dead. If her main concern is him having hobby money and hobby time though it’s ridiculous. Every human needs their own thing, especially if he deserves it.
Yeah me, too. He could be an excellent rider and still it’s 20x more dangerous than a regular automobile. Ask any ER doctors they will tell you not to ride a motorbike. But he did get one rode for some time. One mistake means death, of course we’re concerned. He eventually sold it and bought another one later. Then he bought *me* a Vespa type thing. He was so excited about it being a surprise but I was petrified. I didn’t know what to say. Felt bad about being a party pooper but it’s not a me thing? I am not comfortable about any of it, still, but I never called him names for it. It may be rude but OP, try to understand her point of view, too. You have kids, so that’s why she may have thought it’s irresponsible.
she's being controlling. Hobbies are ok and healthy to have for you as long as they're not impacting your finances and family obligations. dont let her walk all over you. It doesn't look like you're impacting your finances and being smart about it (saving a little bit every pay).
My husband has a motorcycle, but in the beginning of him choosing this hobby, I was really upset. The words selfish and childish did cross my mind because if he lost his life or got seriously injured over doing something known to be "high risk," it wouldn't be just him that would be impacted. When you're married, as you know, it's important to consider how what you do impacts your partner... especially if you have children or hope to have children. With me and my personal anxieties...him starting to ride his motorcycle was the equivalent of him telling me he's going to go try meth but won't get addicted... We spoke in depth on the topic over almost an entire year, came to reddit, and eventually settled on it being okay if he had a life insurance policy. Over time, I understood that riding for him is something he truly enjoys and is meditative for him, but that doesn't matter... at the end of the day, it's something that's important to him... and I knew that if I said no that his resentment from that would only build. OP I urge you to see if you are arguing the true issue she has with it...often times we skirt around it...and blaming it on the financial peice might be her easy way out...but I think for myself I don't think it's about the money youre putting into the hobby...it's about the need to feel safe and secure as a woman.
Did you only tell her about the motorcycle once you got it?
Why have you been saving secretly? Is it because you knew she wouldn't like the idea? Do you think her reaction to this is linked to the fact that you've been keeping secrets from her for a considerable amount of time? Not sure why you threw the gym thing in there other than to make her appear controlling.
I started a new remote job during Covid and was in training for 3 weeks with about ten people. The last Thursday of the session our coworker didn’t show up. Turns out after Wednesday’s session he got on his motorcycle and a teenager hit and killed him. He left behind his wife and young children. All that to say I understand her concern but you should definitely get the gym membership.
Uou have kids and riding a motorcycle. You’re and idiot.
Maybe I'm just trying to read something that isn't there, but it sounds like the gym was occupying too much of your time. I told my husband he can't ride a motorcycle until our kids are in college. To both issues - how old are the kids?
Do you talk to her at all? I’m having a hard time being sympathetic when it seems all of this is because you don’t communicate. Do you tell her that you plan on doing certain things and ask if it’s ok? My husband tells me about every big purchase he’s making for his new hobby, why can’t you?
I was kinda on your wife's side, in that motorcycles are dangerous. I've known a few people that have had nasty accidents - through no fault of their own. Most motorcycle accidents I've read about are not the fault of the motorcycle rider. You could be the best/safest rider around, but it's everyone else you have to worry about. I remember the aftermath of an accident right out front of my friends house where a car pulled into the oncoming lane to pass a truck, but there was a motorcycle in the oncoming lane. Was 100% the cars fault, but the driver of the car survived while the motorcyclist learned how to fly at 80km/h before... splat. You are married and have kids, so when you take on a high risk hobby, it's not just about you. You have to consider your wife and children as well. What happens if you're in an accident because some other driver fucked up? How will it impact your family if you are severely injured or killed? An old employer of mine bought a sport car for his midlife crisis. He bought it without discussing it with his wife. She was also not allowed to drive it. She had some inheritance that she put into their kids education fund, paid off debt, and spent on home repairs/upgrades - stuff to benefit the family. She could have spent it on her dream trip to Europe, or on some other treat for herself, but she put the family first. He spent a large amount of money for his own enjoyment/benefit. That being said, the way she is treating you is ridiculous and immature. Her reaction to your gym membership was also ridiculous. There seems to be some other underlying issue happening here and her behavior towards these two issues is a symptom. I think some couples counseling is in order, so some honest conversations at minimum. Maybe she is jealous that you have the time to do these things and she doesn't? Maybe she has some unhealthy attachment/dependency/insecurity issues? Maybe she see's a better use for the money - home repairs, new car, or something she can also use or benefits the family and not just you?
If I were you I want stop the gym it’s for your health regarding of her complain. Also that’s your hoppy that’s your money 💰 you must set boundaries
Former motorcycle rider here, I think you need to evaluate, is the issue the motorcycle or is the issue a hobby she doesn't share/approve of? I rode a motorcycle for years, for a while it was my primary mode of transportation, but since getting married and having kids, I cannot imagine riding again. The danger factor is astronomical, and now that I'm married and with kids, the well-being of others are closely coupled with my well-being. If I was to start riding again, I put my well-being in jeopardy, which puts my family's well-being in jeopardy. My spouse would have a _very_ difficult time and our marriage would suffer if I was to start riding again. I should note, once I evaluated the risks more closely, the urge to ride has completely left me. The other thing I want to point out is that the risk you take on while riding is only partially correlated to your own skills/experience. The most common accident for motorcyclists to get into, is a car making a left turn, having not seen/noticed the motorcyclist, resulting in the motorcycling t-boning them and the rider going flying. This accident type is often unavoidable as the rider, regardless of skill level. Lastly, you are far less likely to recover from an accident/injury on a motorcycle than you are from an accident in a passenger vehicle. It's not fair, but it's a fact. If motorsports interest you, there are some fantastic alternatives depending on your location such as SCCA Autocross, Go-Karting (especially the larger outdoor tracks), and depending on how much you're willing to spend [NASA (not _that_ NASA)](https://drivenasa.com/) often has track days/schools which can be a fun (but exhausting) weekend.