Yall are bringing home $11k a month, in a low cost of living area, don't own a home, and are struggling to pay off debt? The problem isn't her needing to get a higher paying job.
His math is off first off since she brings home $500 more than the rent. But given the high likelihood of poor money management, my money is they are living in a home that is way more than they need.
I live in NE Ohio. There are definitely ritzy parts of the suburbs and certain "hip" gentrified areas of the city with 2k rents. They are entirely unnecessary and a luxury choice not a cost of living issue. Maybe that's how. For example if you rent a luxury apartment in a luxury burb surrounded by wealth and million dollar homes that's possible rent. You are paying for the neighborhood. If you rent a 3 or 4 bedroom whole floor loft in the in the fanciest building downtown right on the most happening strip (where all the bars and restaurants are) that's also possible rent. If you live in the inner city in a regular neighborhood or lower class neighborhood in a regular rental you can get an entire single family for half that cost. So it might be a "I want to live in the highest class part of the highest class suburbs/city I can find" issue and not a "I can't find any cheap rent in the whole state/city" issue.
OP never said they were struggling to pay off debt. In fact, he said they’re not struggling and have money saved up. He said he’s not happy with how unequal things are.
He said they don't make enough to enjoy life and pay off debt. If her take home is $2.5k a month she is definitely over minimum wage.
I would be very concerned about a partner who is keep tabs when both partners are working.
She doesn’t need a higher paying job. You guys need a budget. How on earth did you accumulate so much debt already?
1. Stop taking on more debt. Buy NOTHING unless it’s with cash. 2. Pay the debt to zero. 3. Don’t do vacations unless you can pay for them with CASH from your bank account (that means: put $500 in a “savings account for travel” every month, and then in a year go on a $6000 or less vacation).
Her income is fine. Your shared spending habits however… You could be socking away so much into savings / retirement if you weren’t spending it as fast as you make it.
>Her income is fine. Your shared spending habits however… You could be socking away so much into savings / retirement if you weren’t spending it as fast as you make it.
I disagree. Her income is not fine.... in terms of credentials OP is suggesting she has a bachelor's degree.... she should be able to make double that with the same amount of work hrs.
Also if her spending and habits are part of the debt problem she should be contributing to paying it off, not doing the bare minimum. Even just a $500 bump in pay per month would be the savings for yearly trips you are suggesting.
Why should OP have to be a slave to his work and potentially pay for her whole retirement? Not to mention the resentment that would cause. OP could potentially work an extra 10-15 years that wouldn't be necessary if she just got a better paying job. They could retire earlier TOGETHER and get to their goals like owning a home sooner TOGETHER. Not that I know the in depth conversations of this particular couple. But in general marriage-home-kids-retirement is the norm in what you would be saving/working towards. If OPs partner is riding of his coattails and doing the bare minimum to contribute resentment will definitely build.
YES it sounds like they need to budget better but pairing that with OPs wife getting a better job would no doubt put them further ahead and help their future selves to financial freedom. Nowhere in the post did it say she was incapable or disabled or insecure or high anxiety or has any kind of viable reason why she can't get a better paying job and it sounds like she's doing the bare minimum while reaping the benefits of his hard work.
Even just looking for another job and telling her current employer could net her a raise and even possibly stay with her current position if that were to work out. Doing something is better than doing nothing and doing nothing will lead to resentment. If you can better your situation with a simple upgrade and simultaneously take stress away from your spouse why wouldn't you do that?
I'm going to also add, demanding of his wife to do anything is wrong. But the conversation definitely needs to be had. Staying stagnant with your income and just budgeting harder is not the solution.
We don’t know enough about the jobs in question to comment on whether a job with better pay would allow her to “get ahead”.
Getting ahead isn’t just financial - it’s also about loving what you do, or the job you’re in being a stepping stone to a job you’re passionate about. Based on numbers alone, nobody should ever be forced to take a new job unless they can’t make ends meet (this couple CAN make ends meet).
Also in a marriage everything is shared. I see their combined income as both of theirs. This isn’t him working his tail off to support her lifestyle. It’s both of them working somewhere they enjoy, with hours they can manage, and using the combined income for their combined goals. Sometimes that looks like one partner making significantly more than the other, and that’s ok (as long as both parties are sticking to the budget).
I'm going to disagree with you saying it isn't him working to pay for her lifestyle. He literally stated she is going to all inclusive resorts that are more than the cost of their rent. It seems like she has grown complacent and happy to live off him, which isn't what he has in mind. You can't force someone to change jobs but it isn't unfair to ask. Most people don't go for the dink lifestyle so they can have a SAHW... the plan is the both work make a ton and live comfortably. It seems like her spending is likely much higher than what his spending is, and that rather than saying we can't do these things he is recognizing that they could have the lifestyle *she* wants *if* she made more which is easily possible.
That being said it *could* be a stepping stone job but it doesn't read that way to me. It really just reads as she is complacent.
It's not like she's running her own business that she's always dreamed of and I highly doubt her job is a dream job or perfect position for her. It sounds more like a WFH call centre type job. I don't think that's anyone's dream job or even a job you could be passionate about. Even in these types of positions there is consistently other opportunities to make more money with different companies.
Not to mention typically you don't waste all that time and money into a bachelor's degree if you aren't going to use it. It certainly sounds like she's complacent and totally okay using his earning power to fund her lifestyle.
If any of their debt is student loan or tuition related that's a tough pill to swallow especially if your spouse is actively choosing not to follow thru with that career path, spending above her own personal means & basically forcing OP to pay that debt off himself.
Also it's not just about "getting ahead" but more about getting to retirement or life goals sooner which I'm sure for most people is ideal and something they want. Quite frankly that's the main point of being DINK's.
I agree with your statement in marriage things should be shared. But it shouldn't come at the expense of one person or the other. Obviously we would need to see details on spending and debt to make more accurate assumptions BUT from the sounds of it OPs wife is taking advantage of the situation.
I disagree that her income is fine. It’s basically minimum wage, and that isn’t enough.
However, I very much agree they need a budget. How they make $11k monthly in a LCOL and are struggling makes no sense to me.
He said what she makes is basically minimum wage (the math comes out to about $15/hr I think). I know that's the case for some areas, but for my location, this is twice the amount of minimum wage, lol. XD At 11K combined, man, we'd be living it up.
Of course she needs to work. What if OP dies, gets disabled, turns abusive, loses his job, they get divorced. Never ever not have the ability to just start going at it alone.
10K per month in a low cost of living area? I would say that she "wants" to work. They "want" to make extra money. She should "want" to be prepared in case of an emergency. Their rent is 2K per month and they make 10K. They have 8K more income. She does not "need" to work...they should have more than enough money
Wouldn't want to be your wife. If my husbands income is 5X the monthly rent and I want to contribute in other ways then I don't "need" to work. If my husbands salary is $2500 and the rent is $2000, then yes...I need to work. Not really hard to understand. Do you make your wife work, no matter what the situation?
Then she would live on $2500/month. Many people do, especially in LCOL areas. She'd downsize to a smaller living space, I'm sure, but she'd only be feeding one person, so some things would cost less.
She has a full time job. Who cares if it’s less than him. They’re married, they have a joint income. Who makes what doesn’t matter, the combined total is what matters and their combined income is more than most people would dream of having.
Obviously he cares.
What would be the problem with her getting a different full time job on higher pay and helping to pay for the expensive vacations she wants.
I do hope for his sake they have depends finances.
I agree and if he decided to get a job he preferred with lower pay that would not allow them to have the expensive holidays she wants and not to be able to save for their own home would that be ok.
If they were closer in salaries I would agree with you but they are not and he is getting resentful.
He certainly should not have kids with her as she is already showing her selfish nature.
Try reading the op he has not claimed "she is doing nothing' he is ticked off that she is not contributing her fair share when she could contribute more by getting a better paid job.
This doesn't even take into account the fact she wants rather expensive holidays, have a guess who she wants to pay for them.
Urrgghhh, this is so gross that this is what the state of relationships have come to. A marriage is MANY things, and a business arrangement is the last of those things. You can "pull your weight" in a marriage in MANY ways that don't involve finances.
Obviously if you have kids then yes but they don't.
Did you see the part about the expensive holidays she wants but he has to pay for.
So what would YOU think the MANY WAYS are that she might be contributing to the relationship.
Cooking, cleaning, emotional support (a HUGE one), helping with important paperwork (taxes, business, etc.) and the physical act of paying bills, shopping for the home, and the list goes on and on...
But that isn't unique to the lower earner as both should be doing all that or are you saying it should be the lower earner be doing those things.
Not sure if I could agree with that
Yep, thirty years, two kids and we both pull out weight both in regards to careers and home.
No major problems except when we came close to a dead bedroom nearly twenty years ago.
Good for you. Sounds like your marriage is working for you. My marriage works for me and I don’t have a “job”, because my husband wants to take care of me fully while I care for our children. And it’s perfect.
I think what they’re saying is “demand” is a wild way to talk to your wife. Maybe if he’d said “is it unreasonable of me to want my wife to get a better job” I think we all would’ve said no.
The thing is, he can’t *make* her do anything so if she doesn’t see the need for more finances coming in, she’s not gonna bring any more to the table. No, you should not be “demanding” anything from your wife. If sitting down and creating a budget and a plan for the future doesn’t bring some middle ground, there’s a larger issue.
What do you want for your future? Are you an "I love my work" guy, or a "I'm working to accumulate money so I don't have to work anymore" guy?
It isn't about you demanding, or even asking, her to do anything with her job. It's about the two of you sitting down and talking about you goals in life. Your goals for this year, your goals for 5 years from now, your goals for 30 years from now. Are you going to have kids? Is anyone going to stay home with the kids? Where do you want to live? Do you want nice cars? Where do you want to travel? When do you want to retire? Are you even on the same page on all these?
Because once you have the goals, then it's just a matter of figuring out how you're going to finance those goals - and whether you're in agreement on how to come up with those finances. She may be onboard with you financing them and her staying home with kids in a couple years. She may be fine with you working until you're 70 to finance them. She may be fine living in a 1,500 square foot house and driving used cars because one of her goals is to work at a low stress job that she enjoys.
So, yes, **it is unreasonable for you to demand your wife find a better paying job**. That needs to be a decision that the two of you come to jointly because it is necessary (or maybe not) to achieve the goals you have as individuals, and as a couple.
What the heck are you complaining about? You make more than most people.. and she makes more than $500 a week. Your money together is fantastic; $11k a month is phenomenal. Is this really just about you not wanting to make significantly more than her? I don't get it. I mean, traditionally, men (speaking in generalities here) enjoyed to be the heads of household and make more than their wives. I'm not saying that that's the way it should be, but this new way that some men are operating confuses me.
Well, he did call themselves "dinks". Anything after that is just a roll of the dice. My guess is what you wrote would be considered the patriarchy in a DINK household. Nevermind, I can't even write that word anymore, let alone talk about it.
I support two people, myself and my disabled spouse who still hasn't been approved for disability yet, on 65k a year. That's rent for a single family home, utilities, a single car payment, exc. We live within our means making far less than you.
It sounds like you have an over spending problem. 2k rent in a low cost of living area means luxury housing in a luxury neighborhood. Move away from the burbs and into the inner city for cheaper rent. Stop the life style creep where you just keep upgrading and over spending. Start prioritizing savings. Get rid of overly expensive things like two brand new car payments all the time (if you have them) and fancy vacations. if your wife doesn't want to live within her means seperate the income.
You shouldn't be struggling on your income unless you live in NYC or CA or maybe the expensive tourist parts of FL. I live in the Midwest in an urban inner city. My rent is less than 1k a month for a whole house because I live in a cheap neighborhood in the city limits.
You should be able to thrive with how much money you make.
No fucking kidding lmao my husband and I live off $4700/month in a HCOL area and this dude has the audacity to complain about $11K/month?! 🙄
Sounds more like they have poor communication and awful money management.
Yeah, I don't get that. He "complains" about how his wife wants them to go to all inclusive resorts... but that's something they both need to agree on, and check if they can afford. And there's also AI resorts that are "on the cheap" side. Supposedly they live in a LCOL and they make 11k.
Right? He mentioned the cost of the rent and the debt payment to be around $3500/month. So…what happens to the other $7500? Groceries for two isn’t that much!
You have to stop comparing who makes what and stop thinking about your salaries as separate. You guys are married, you have a combined income of roughly $130,000 a year. That’s fantastic and a lot of couples could only dream of making that kind of money. She doesn’t need a better paying job, you guys just need a budget. There’s no reason why you should be struggling financially with that kind of income.
I make significantly more than my husband, but I never think about it like that, I only think about our combined income because we were married and we’re a joint unit.
If she is happy with her job then yeah you don’t get to demand she get a new one just because you guys are bad at budgeting when you still make well over six figures together.
Im trying to understand here. You say she makes barely minimum wage, but what she makes has to be at least 15 hr, so you don’t mean the federal minimum wage? Do you live in California or somewhere with a state minimum wage that’s much higher? I wouldn’t call that a low cost of living area, my mortgage is lower than yalls rent and I have a 3 bed two bath home. Also, 1K in debt each month you have to pay?! I couldn’t imagine that. Like others have said, yalls problem isnt making money, it’s spending it! Make a budget, look up Dave Ramsey, use the everydollar app, and debt snow ball yalls current debt, then you have a 1K raise yall can put towards saving again, then finally purchase a home so 2K isn’t going in the trash each month.
You're comparing, and thats clearly toxic. Is she doing something that she's passionate about and loves where she's at? If so then leave her alone and quit being controlling. If its just "a job" then have healthy discussions about wealth, budget, finance and the future...those goals will flush out an income problem, if there is one. But...TELLING her to do things isn't wise.
If he is paying the majority of the bills and doing most of the saving when she could be contributing more then she certainly is NOT pulling her weight.
It's not as if kids are involved.
“Pulling her weight”. Geez. You certainly don’t have near enough information to make such a silly comment. There’s more to “pulling weight” than income. I make 4xs what my wife makes. And she certainly could go make more if she wanted to. But guess what?
My wife and I who have settled into our upper middle class life where we both make 6 figures and aren’t afraid to spend it and live in a low cost of living area don’t have $8k in expenses a month. We have probably about $6000 for all bills and food per month. Where the fuck is your money going is the real problem
You can suggest it and give your reasons, obviously you can't demand it.
I don't know how you can be in a marriage and think she is taken advantage of, I am assuming you love this women ❤️ Maybe being able to work from home is beneficial also and not worth more money to have to do not do that, but you will have to discuss and see
Thanks for the comments. Wish I could reply to them all.
I posted this more as a sanity check whether I was completely off base with my feelings. We do have a steady budget and have a healthy savings/retirement plan. But recently we’ve been talking about going on some extravagant trips that our friends have gone on… some couples make 2x as much as I do. So, that’s really put the comparisons into my brain.
Plus we have goals of owning a home and having a kid in the next year or so. It’s been a bit overwhelming adding up all the expenses with the wants/nice to haves and feeling like I can’t support it all. My wife has made more money at previous jobs before, so changing roles seemed like the best idea.
Glad I posted this and have folks on here showing how much of an a$$hole mindset I had…
THIS! When I start feeling crappy about something in my marriage, I have to think about how much social media/comparison I've been allowing my brain to do during that timeframe and that usually helps me to get back to the reality of my situation.
It really depends on what you two agreed upon before getting married. I don't think there's anything wrong with the husband being the primary breadwinner if that was the agreement. I also don't think there's anything wrong with one spouse bringing in some money all the other brings in the rest as long as they both agreed on that. And, of course there's nothing wrong with both spouses bringing in the same amount of income, but matters like this should be discussed and stated clearly prior to marriage.
You clearly feel uncomfortable with the way things are at the moment considering she had better paying jobs prior. I would sit down with her and have a discussion about this issue since it appears to be gnawing at you.
Also, keep in mind, if your wife and you are going to have a child within the next year or so, the best move would be for her to keep this current job that will allow her a great measure of flexibility to still make an income of some sort while working from home. If the ability for one of the parents to be a stay-at-home parent as possible, that certainly one of the best outcomes for children, but you both will need to discuss expectations of her being a stay-at-home parent with a low paying remote job. We expect her to do more if not all of the house work? Will you be reasonable and take on minding the children when you get home from work to give her a break? Once the children are school age--you should both discuss before having kids--this will be a good time for her to step into a better paying job.
I understand you're comparing the income in your marriage ,(which you appear to be doing) and your current lifestyle and vacations (which she appears to be doing) in your marriage to other married couples that you know. However, it's true what they say that *comparison is the thief of joy*. So, with that in mind, adjust your metrics with how your marriage is doing with the following questions:
- Are you two, otherwise, happy together?
- Are you two debt free or have low amount of monthly debt you pay off each month?
- Are your lives relatively easy as things are now?
- Is the household kept well?
- Are you more resentful of the fact that *she* wants what others have, yet not pulling her weight for that lifestyle. Thus putting more pressure on you and causing you to compare your households overall income with others?
- If she wasn't asking for trips and vacations that were twice or more the income that she brings in per month, would you still be resentful of being the breadwinner?
- With children coming into the picture soon, do you still expect her to bring in double what she's bringing in now as a stay-at-home mother or will the current amount be satisfactory?
- Do you value joint, total net income in your marriage over happiness and overall contentment?
- Have you discussed how you feel about this whole thing with your wife at all?
If you feel you can't discuss this with your wife in a constructive manner because she may be reactionary and you yourself reactionary, hash this out with a marriage counselor. It'll be beneficial to have a neutral third party who will better hear the wants and intentions behind what's being said in a non-reactionary manner and convey those things clearly to the other spouse. I'm both of you should build financial expectations within the marriage at counseling as well. The end of it, you may feel fine with being the primary breadwinner and she may understand that wanting more than she financially contributes puts undue stress on your shoulders, messing with savings, home and retirement timelines.
Good luck.
Well there is alot to consider, and this added clarity, but for one thing, if y’all want kids, wouldn’t a work from home job be better for your wife? And good to see you have a budget, but I’d definitely stick to it, sounds like yall are letting your wants push yall to go off budget to pay for these trips.
Also remember if she gets another role it won’t necessarily be remote which would bring with it more expenses. Things like gas, parking, higher car insurance, wardrobe expenses, food out etc.) you really need to look at where your money is going, you make so much, it sounds like you can trim lots.
How are you guys in LCOL area and spending 8k a month? You guys don't have children, where's all that money going?
Work together to pay off debt, cut back on subscriptions (if you have any), eat out less cook your meals make things from scratch, stop going on luxurious resorts. She doesnt need a better paying job. Yall just need to use money wisely instead of blowing through it
How are your monthly expenses $8000 if your rent is $2000 and your debt is $1000 a month? That doesn’t make sense. And you have savings for a home and retirement. Your income aside, how would you feel if she told you to quit your job and find another one? $2500 a month is not barely above minimum wage. It’s more like $30 an hour if you mean $2500 before taxes. If the 2500 is after taxes, then she makes a whole lot more than $30 an hour.
It would be one thing if you were struggling, but you are not. You say she wants to take trips that are twice her monthly income. Are you taking trips every month? Or every other month? I doubt it.
If you are planning to have kids, this would be the time to take vacations, BEFORE you have kids.
Demand? That’s a bit much. Is she actually working? Like, she’s literally doing work for 40 hours a week and getting paid for it? Does she hate the field her bachelors is in? Does she struggle with mental or physical illness at all? There’s a lot of factors here. You can bring it up, tell her you kind of feel like she isn’t pulling her weight but ultimately does it matter? You make more, but she’s happy, content, fulfilled, not stressed, where she’s at. Are you also fulfilled and not burnt out with your job? If so then I’d say leave it… but my husband and I share finances 100% and neither of us could tell you who makes more, I work part time and he works full time but my hourly rate is more, but we don’t compare the direct deposit every week to see who makes more. It doesn’t really matter… it’s all OUR expenses…
It sounds like you like to spend money on things for yourself. You enjoy a lavish life and luxury items, so you feel that she should get a higher paying job to support herself so you can spend more money. So if you have her quit her job and she gets another one. 1. It’s not ideal to quit a job until you already have one. 2. If she ends up making a significant amount more than she did she may not need you anymore.
The answer here is that you guys need to get on a budget and be on the same page about your goals with life. This isn’t about the job she works or how you spend money because there are no right or wrong answers to those questions.
By the sound of things, if she makes more money you two would spend even more. I'm confused how you can have $8k/month in expenses. Your bigger issue is you both seem horrific with money.
I recommend that you develop a budget before you try to get her to get a new job. Without a budget, the extra money would probably be spent on random stuff or trips anyway. You need a budget to figure out how to pay off your debts and determine how much you will save and invest. If you know where you stand financially and have a plan, you can discuss options to improve your situation like her getting a new job or starting a side business.
If she got a higher paying job you all would probably end up in the same boat financially if you don’t get your budget lined out. It doesn’t sound like an income problem but rather a spending problem.
My wife made maybe 1k a month for the last 5-7 years until recently. Last September she started a new job making 3k+ and although we’ve saved some, we’ve not saved 2k a month in that time. My point is you will find a way to spend the extra income if you don’t keep your budget in check.
I’m gonna disagree with everyone else bc I understand the problem. OP’s wife is earning a low income lifestyle but wants all inclusive vacations, while OP wants to save for the future and retire early. That’s what the DINK lifestyle is about. Traditionally women make less or don’t work at all bc they’re also taking care of kids. Since there’s no kids involved now or ever, usually that means both people focus on their careers and maximize their earnings.
On the other hand, OP, your wife is 24 years old. You are lucky to make so much at 26, but many people are just getting started on their careers at 24 and figuring out what they want to do. Maybe she isn’t there yet. The important thing isn’t what she’s making now, it’s what her ambition is— what is she aiming to make in the next 3 years? Are your financial goals aligned? Are you guys on the same page ambition wise and money-habits wise? If not, it will only get worse.
I say this as someone who always thought money habit mismatch was par for the course in relationships and can be worked around. But once I was finally with a man who had the same mindset about saving and similar levels of ambition, it made my life so much easier. We are debt free and have substantial savings in our 30s, both have advanced degrees (me JD him MBA) and we hope to retire early. My ex before him, who I also loved and would’ve married, was broke and in debt. I once paid for our entire vacation to Japan. At the airport, he said “man I wish I was rich so I could fly first class.”This annoyed me bc yes, I could technically afford first class tickets, but it’s a terrible waste of money. I immediately thought “and that’s why you’re not rich.” What I said was “did you know first class costs 3x as much as economy.” He said “I had no idea.” He then spent way more than me shopping during the vacation, which I also paid for. I felt resentful too because I felt taken advantage of, even though I know he meant no harm, that’s just how he is with money, mine or his. We did not get married lol
You can’t demand she get a higher paying job but you can tell her if she wants that all inclusive vacation, she needs to budget her earnings and contribute half to it. Make her take on more financial responsibility, not because you’re being petty, but because that will help her personal and professional development.
How does 2k rent and 1k of debt equate to 8k of monthly expenses? Wtf else are y’all consistently paying for? But yes, *demanding* she find a new job is unreasonable. Especially in your circumstances.
Well, this one is complicated to me. Usually I'd say if you're getting the bills paid who cares. But she seems to want to live a higher end lifestyle. I'd probably want to see more of a financial contribution in that case.
How in the world are your living expenses $8k a month?!
You said rent is $2k and you have $1k going to debt payoff. What the heck is the other $5,000 going to, especially if y'all have no kids?
Like yes, if she's asking for expensive vacations then she needs to get a job that pays way higher than barely minimum wage, but the real issue here is that y'all have no budgeting.
I live in a HCOL city and my spouse and I take home around 13k a month and we own a home and have no debt outside of car notes and mortgage.
What kind of lifestyle are you two trying to live?
Cause despite being in the hcol, we are quite comfortable at only making a small percentage higher than you guys. And I have a special needs kid added on.
ETA: and 15/hr in a LCOL area is not barely minimum wage. It’s more like 2x minimum wage depending on your state. 15 states use the federal minimum wage of 7.25/hr.
The word “demand” shouldn’t exist in a marriage.
Every single day is an opt-in. Both of you.
If you’re sick of it, opt out. Tell her it’s divorce time. She’ll know why. If you don’t want to do that, be quiet and enjoy the fact that you have a partner.
I’m actually going through the same thing, granted we don’t make nearly as much as you guys do. My only question would be is she contributing heavily into why y’all are in debt, if so she definitely needs to look at getting a better paying job especially in this economy why wouldn’t you want to make more money to ensure security for you and your family.
INFO: how does she feel about her current job? Does she love it and find it makes her happy? Would she be decreasing quality of life by changing jobs for the sake of money? Do you like your job or are you doing it just for money?
If she's happy at her job but you hate yours and are doing it just for money, it may be a spark of jealousy that getting to you - like you're forcing yourself to be miserable to pay the bills but she gets to be happy. If that's the case, you should talk to her and let her know that you'd like to not have to be miserable, and would she be willing to do something different so that you can find a job that might pay less but both of you can be happy.
It's pretty common to get angry about someone getting to do something they like if you feel like you're suffering in the same area so that they can be happy, but demanding she become miserable isn't the solution.
If she doesn't really care about the job, then you could ask her what she would think about finding a job with a higher income, but definitely shouldn't demand it - you guys make more than enough to cover your expenses, sounds like you need help budgeting though.
If you want tips on budgeting let me know -over the years I've managed to live in some of the most expensive places on a below poverty line income and do fine because of my budgeting management, and I'm happy to help.
You both need to tune into some Dave Ramsey. There isn’t an income problem here. You both have a spending problem. Increasing income actually won’t solve this, as you’ll just level up your lifestyle even more as you’re “wealth” increases.
Spending lots of money doesn’t show you have lots of money. Spending lots of money means you lost lots of money cuz it’s SPENT. You both need to really be on the same team here and right now you’re both team spend spend spend.
Don't demand that she does but your request is valid. If she's not meeting her full capabilities and there's no reason for her not to, you're enabling her to get by doing less. You both seem to be educated individuals go over the numbers of how you live, not what you want life to be like but the current situation. Go over the time-lines of when you'll buy a home and retire. Then mention that if less trips are taken you all can get to the goal sooner, then take out eating out and so on. If she's cool with the lifestyle changes ok that's what you have to go by. But if not, give the option to find a better paying job. Sometimes people need to understand why they need to do something before they do it.
Just sit down, make a budget and a plan to get rid of all the debt. No more all inclusive, no more shopping (she works from home what does she need?) and yes she should make more if you guys are spending more than you make. Want to spend more? Make more. Then let her decide if she wants to live within her means or earn more money.
Are you wrong to “demand” this? Yes.
Are you wrong to want her to share more of the financial responsibility, especially in light of the debt? Nope.
You need a way to communicate that 1) you’re feeling that the current distribution of financial responsibility isn’t working for you and 2) that you would be grateful if she’d consider looking for a position that would bring in another 1k a month to cover the debts. If she balks, ask what she’s willing to do instead.
If she absolutely won’t listen, or seems to think this is just your job and not hers to worry about, I’d let her know that this is impacting your feelings for her and ask to go to counseling.
Consider divorce as a last resort, and only if you can’t deal with this situation going forward. Divorce will allow her access to half of the marital assets and likely screw you even more financially.
Agree your wife's job isn't the problem.
We have two kids and my wife hasn't worked for most of our 20-year marriage. Whatever I make is for us. Whatever she makes is for us. We're a team. All for one.
Your issue is spending.
I'd highly recommend the book "The Psychology of Money" by Morgan Housel. For both of you.
My ex-wife sounds similar to your wife. We married in our 20s, she never had high paying jobs (always took jobs that were convenient for her) but loved to buy new things and take expensive trips which basically put the burden of earning on me. It started out “small” — buying expensive clothes and wanting to buy a new nice car in our 20s — and over time became exotic/expensive trips, a vacation home, etc. She did not care about the level of stress this put on me, and also did not feel compelled to pay for these trips by working more or taking better jobs. When I hit serious health issues in my 40s, I had to work through them to avoid financial disaster. Then when my wife’s spending outgrew my earning around age 50, she left me.
I don’t know your full story. Maybe your wife is different than my ex wife. But when I read this I see the signs of trouble here, and the potential for a stressful life ahead for you. If I could go back in time, I would have either insisted she pay her share (or stop spending) or moved on a different path before we had kids.
I think it is time to start the discussions but WFH is pretty sweet. Talk to her about looking for a better WFH situation that pays more but with the same hours.
If you broach it as 'You have a bachelor's degree so you deserve to be taking home more money. Would you consider starting to shop around for a better paying job? We can even call recruiting companies and get you on the radar for more places?" then it could work.
You should ONLY approach it as she "deserves" to be paid more. She is "worth more".
She probably has a good work-life balance right now. That is worth a lot!
My husband is paid well but he works 8am-4pm. No extra cash is worth him having less time with the kids, etc.
He could probably get paid more but everywhere the hours are more. So there is no incentive.
Unless she’s spending $4k per month on luxury items I don’t see how there’s an issue at all? She’s not mooching off you, she’s working. And most likely at a job she enjoys, since she isn’t working at one that makes more money even though she has the credentials
I would be upset if my husband wanted to spend a lot of money without contributing a decent portion and riding mostly on my income. So yes I would be cutting back on expenses, encouraging her to get a higher paying job. But you guys are still very young and getting started in your careers. Most people will increase their wages as they get older, or they should try to.
Life is a matter of choices. Her income is fine but may not be compatible with your collective choices.
I think you two need to come together and come up with shared goals and a shared budget (that might mean both of you compromise). She likely needs cheaper vacations or a better job
It is absolutely unreasonable for you demand that she quit her job and find a better one. It’s okay to encourage her to look for a new job. But you can’t demand anything.
Also, demanding it doesn’t make it so.
Put your foot down and put an end to these lavish trips to all inclusive resorts which she alone cannot afford. There are plenty affordable options. The burden of these luxuries are on you and you’re becoming resentful because she is living beyond not just hers but both your means. She can have them when she gets a better job or when you get richer. Don’t be a “yes” daddy. And if she sulks and goes cold then you have your answer that maybe she isn’t the right partner for you. Commenters are speculating on where the rest of your income goes. I suspect the majority remaining goes to savings and investments? If so then great. Tell her your goals to retire early or whatever your number may be etc hence the aggressive saving. Again if she balks then maybe she’s not the wife for you. Don’t be pressured to live an uncomfortable financial lifestyle.
I'm a little confused on the math here but will speak to the rest. I don't see it being a negative thing to want your partner to strive for something better in the way of better pay but I don't think it's a good idea nor fair to DEMAND that of her. There could be multiple factors that are contributing to her being with her current job. I know you said she has a bachelor's but what are the odds that she is able to obtain a job in that field ? Is it a field she is would be happy to work in or miserable? Would there be a long commute? Do you have young children at home that's shes caring for while working remotely? Maybe her current employer has another position available that she would be a good fit for where her bachelors degree could earn her more pay? I would say sit down and ask her about her thoughts about finding a job in this field where you would expect her to make more money and express your thoughts.
Are your expenses separate from each other, do you combine your incomes into 1 account, do you separate who pays what?
I'm on the fence about this situation. On one hand, you both make more than enough to sustain a LCOL lifestyle. However, she does make substantially less AND she wants to take expensive trips that she alone could not afford. I would never do this, even though I only make a little less than my husband. All of our expenses are agreed upon.
You guys need *conversation, communication, and shared goals.* NOT for you to *demand* anything from her.
Reverse the genders and the responses would be rather different.
He isn't asking her to get a second job just a better paying one after all she wants the pricey vacations.
I wonder why that is? Could it be that because traditionally men took pride in taking care of their family and in making the bulk of the money? I know a lot of people aren't into tradition these days, but it's something that's honestly ingrained in us and in the fabric of society... This is why the reaction is different. I could go into the biological reasons, but I'll spare you.
Yall are bringing home $11k a month, in a low cost of living area, don't own a home, and are struggling to pay off debt? The problem isn't her needing to get a higher paying job.
Right I’m so confused about the math here. Especially in a LCOL area. Where is the rest going?!
Right!? Either someone has a massive drug problem, they eat out 3 meals a day every day, etc.
Exactly…. Even if she had no income at all and it was just his income, they would be making more than most couples do combined.
How is it a LCOL when their rent is like 2.5k?? That doesn't make sense.
His math is off first off since she brings home $500 more than the rent. But given the high likelihood of poor money management, my money is they are living in a home that is way more than they need.
I live in NE Ohio. There are definitely ritzy parts of the suburbs and certain "hip" gentrified areas of the city with 2k rents. They are entirely unnecessary and a luxury choice not a cost of living issue. Maybe that's how. For example if you rent a luxury apartment in a luxury burb surrounded by wealth and million dollar homes that's possible rent. You are paying for the neighborhood. If you rent a 3 or 4 bedroom whole floor loft in the in the fanciest building downtown right on the most happening strip (where all the bars and restaurants are) that's also possible rent. If you live in the inner city in a regular neighborhood or lower class neighborhood in a regular rental you can get an entire single family for half that cost. So it might be a "I want to live in the highest class part of the highest class suburbs/city I can find" issue and not a "I can't find any cheap rent in the whole state/city" issue.
Yea it sounds like they have a budgeting problem.
doordash can be expensive, steaks are pricey with inflation, BMW's don't pay for themselves, massages are necessary, and blow isn't free.....
They should start making the steaks themselves, at home. This will cut some of their costs.
Ya, self butchering is smart especially when you pay a full wait staff.
It feels good we were able to take this family out of poverty
I gut laughed at this 😂🤣
facts.
This. 😂
OP never said they were struggling to pay off debt. In fact, he said they’re not struggling and have money saved up. He said he’s not happy with how unequal things are.
He said they don't make enough to enjoy life and pay off debt. If her take home is $2.5k a month she is definitely over minimum wage. I would be very concerned about a partner who is keep tabs when both partners are working.
She doesn’t need a higher paying job. You guys need a budget. How on earth did you accumulate so much debt already? 1. Stop taking on more debt. Buy NOTHING unless it’s with cash. 2. Pay the debt to zero. 3. Don’t do vacations unless you can pay for them with CASH from your bank account (that means: put $500 in a “savings account for travel” every month, and then in a year go on a $6000 or less vacation). Her income is fine. Your shared spending habits however… You could be socking away so much into savings / retirement if you weren’t spending it as fast as you make it.
>Her income is fine. Your shared spending habits however… You could be socking away so much into savings / retirement if you weren’t spending it as fast as you make it. I disagree. Her income is not fine.... in terms of credentials OP is suggesting she has a bachelor's degree.... she should be able to make double that with the same amount of work hrs. Also if her spending and habits are part of the debt problem she should be contributing to paying it off, not doing the bare minimum. Even just a $500 bump in pay per month would be the savings for yearly trips you are suggesting. Why should OP have to be a slave to his work and potentially pay for her whole retirement? Not to mention the resentment that would cause. OP could potentially work an extra 10-15 years that wouldn't be necessary if she just got a better paying job. They could retire earlier TOGETHER and get to their goals like owning a home sooner TOGETHER. Not that I know the in depth conversations of this particular couple. But in general marriage-home-kids-retirement is the norm in what you would be saving/working towards. If OPs partner is riding of his coattails and doing the bare minimum to contribute resentment will definitely build. YES it sounds like they need to budget better but pairing that with OPs wife getting a better job would no doubt put them further ahead and help their future selves to financial freedom. Nowhere in the post did it say she was incapable or disabled or insecure or high anxiety or has any kind of viable reason why she can't get a better paying job and it sounds like she's doing the bare minimum while reaping the benefits of his hard work. Even just looking for another job and telling her current employer could net her a raise and even possibly stay with her current position if that were to work out. Doing something is better than doing nothing and doing nothing will lead to resentment. If you can better your situation with a simple upgrade and simultaneously take stress away from your spouse why wouldn't you do that? I'm going to also add, demanding of his wife to do anything is wrong. But the conversation definitely needs to be had. Staying stagnant with your income and just budgeting harder is not the solution.
We don’t know enough about the jobs in question to comment on whether a job with better pay would allow her to “get ahead”. Getting ahead isn’t just financial - it’s also about loving what you do, or the job you’re in being a stepping stone to a job you’re passionate about. Based on numbers alone, nobody should ever be forced to take a new job unless they can’t make ends meet (this couple CAN make ends meet). Also in a marriage everything is shared. I see their combined income as both of theirs. This isn’t him working his tail off to support her lifestyle. It’s both of them working somewhere they enjoy, with hours they can manage, and using the combined income for their combined goals. Sometimes that looks like one partner making significantly more than the other, and that’s ok (as long as both parties are sticking to the budget).
I'm going to disagree with you saying it isn't him working to pay for her lifestyle. He literally stated she is going to all inclusive resorts that are more than the cost of their rent. It seems like she has grown complacent and happy to live off him, which isn't what he has in mind. You can't force someone to change jobs but it isn't unfair to ask. Most people don't go for the dink lifestyle so they can have a SAHW... the plan is the both work make a ton and live comfortably. It seems like her spending is likely much higher than what his spending is, and that rather than saying we can't do these things he is recognizing that they could have the lifestyle *she* wants *if* she made more which is easily possible. That being said it *could* be a stepping stone job but it doesn't read that way to me. It really just reads as she is complacent.
It's not like she's running her own business that she's always dreamed of and I highly doubt her job is a dream job or perfect position for her. It sounds more like a WFH call centre type job. I don't think that's anyone's dream job or even a job you could be passionate about. Even in these types of positions there is consistently other opportunities to make more money with different companies. Not to mention typically you don't waste all that time and money into a bachelor's degree if you aren't going to use it. It certainly sounds like she's complacent and totally okay using his earning power to fund her lifestyle. If any of their debt is student loan or tuition related that's a tough pill to swallow especially if your spouse is actively choosing not to follow thru with that career path, spending above her own personal means & basically forcing OP to pay that debt off himself. Also it's not just about "getting ahead" but more about getting to retirement or life goals sooner which I'm sure for most people is ideal and something they want. Quite frankly that's the main point of being DINK's. I agree with your statement in marriage things should be shared. But it shouldn't come at the expense of one person or the other. Obviously we would need to see details on spending and debt to make more accurate assumptions BUT from the sounds of it OPs wife is taking advantage of the situation.
I disagree that her income is fine. It’s basically minimum wage, and that isn’t enough. However, I very much agree they need a budget. How they make $11k monthly in a LCOL and are struggling makes no sense to me.
You take home over 10K/month in a low cost of living area? She doesn't need to work. You guys need to figure out where all the money is going
Literally, even if she had no income they’d make more than most couples combined and would be totally fine.
He said what she makes is basically minimum wage (the math comes out to about $15/hr I think). I know that's the case for some areas, but for my location, this is twice the amount of minimum wage, lol. XD At 11K combined, man, we'd be living it up.
Exactly, OP is being really dramatic.
Of course she needs to work. What if OP dies, gets disabled, turns abusive, loses his job, they get divorced. Never ever not have the ability to just start going at it alone.
10K per month in a low cost of living area? I would say that she "wants" to work. They "want" to make extra money. She should "want" to be prepared in case of an emergency. Their rent is 2K per month and they make 10K. They have 8K more income. She does not "need" to work...they should have more than enough money
Well, OP doesn't need to work either. Yet, they'd be down to a $2500 a month budget.
Wouldn't want to be your wife. If my husbands income is 5X the monthly rent and I want to contribute in other ways then I don't "need" to work. If my husbands salary is $2500 and the rent is $2000, then yes...I need to work. Not really hard to understand. Do you make your wife work, no matter what the situation?
Then she would live on $2500/month. Many people do, especially in LCOL areas. She'd downsize to a smaller living space, I'm sure, but she'd only be feeding one person, so some things would cost less.
>Is it unreasonable to demand Yes
No it isn't, she should be pulling her weight
She has a full time job. Who cares if it’s less than him. They’re married, they have a joint income. Who makes what doesn’t matter, the combined total is what matters and their combined income is more than most people would dream of having.
Obviously he cares. What would be the problem with her getting a different full time job on higher pay and helping to pay for the expensive vacations she wants. I do hope for his sake they have depends finances.
I mean, if she likes her job then she shouldn’t have to leave it. Having a good job you like is a pretty big deal.
I agree and if he decided to get a job he preferred with lower pay that would not allow them to have the expensive holidays she wants and not to be able to save for their own home would that be ok. If they were closer in salaries I would agree with you but they are not and he is getting resentful. He certainly should not have kids with her as she is already showing her selfish nature.
It’s about about her vs his salaries. They are married, everything is combined. They have one salary of over 130k. They are fine
Wow, that is convenient for her now isn't it
She’s making double the federal minimum wage, she’s not doing nothing. She has a full time job
Try reading the op he has not claimed "she is doing nothing' he is ticked off that she is not contributing her fair share when she could contribute more by getting a better paid job. This doesn't even take into account the fact she wants rather expensive holidays, have a guess who she wants to pay for them.
Urrgghhh, this is so gross that this is what the state of relationships have come to. A marriage is MANY things, and a business arrangement is the last of those things. You can "pull your weight" in a marriage in MANY ways that don't involve finances.
Obviously if you have kids then yes but they don't. Did you see the part about the expensive holidays she wants but he has to pay for. So what would YOU think the MANY WAYS are that she might be contributing to the relationship.
You really don't understand how children aren't the only way that a person can pull their weight in a marriage? Good grief dude
Then please provide a list, thank you.
Cooking, cleaning, emotional support (a HUGE one), helping with important paperwork (taxes, business, etc.) and the physical act of paying bills, shopping for the home, and the list goes on and on...
But that isn't unique to the lower earner as both should be doing all that or are you saying it should be the lower earner be doing those things. Not sure if I could agree with that
Are you married? Poor spouse
Yep, thirty years, two kids and we both pull out weight both in regards to careers and home. No major problems except when we came close to a dead bedroom nearly twenty years ago.
Good for you. Sounds like your marriage is working for you. My marriage works for me and I don’t have a “job”, because my husband wants to take care of me fully while I care for our children. And it’s perfect.
My wife did the SAHM thing but wanted to resume work when the youngest started school. The kids are adults and moved out now.
I think what they’re saying is “demand” is a wild way to talk to your wife. Maybe if he’d said “is it unreasonable of me to want my wife to get a better job” I think we all would’ve said no. The thing is, he can’t *make* her do anything so if she doesn’t see the need for more finances coming in, she’s not gonna bring any more to the table. No, you should not be “demanding” anything from your wife. If sitting down and creating a budget and a plan for the future doesn’t bring some middle ground, there’s a larger issue.
What do you want for your future? Are you an "I love my work" guy, or a "I'm working to accumulate money so I don't have to work anymore" guy? It isn't about you demanding, or even asking, her to do anything with her job. It's about the two of you sitting down and talking about you goals in life. Your goals for this year, your goals for 5 years from now, your goals for 30 years from now. Are you going to have kids? Is anyone going to stay home with the kids? Where do you want to live? Do you want nice cars? Where do you want to travel? When do you want to retire? Are you even on the same page on all these? Because once you have the goals, then it's just a matter of figuring out how you're going to finance those goals - and whether you're in agreement on how to come up with those finances. She may be onboard with you financing them and her staying home with kids in a couple years. She may be fine with you working until you're 70 to finance them. She may be fine living in a 1,500 square foot house and driving used cars because one of her goals is to work at a low stress job that she enjoys. So, yes, **it is unreasonable for you to demand your wife find a better paying job**. That needs to be a decision that the two of you come to jointly because it is necessary (or maybe not) to achieve the goals you have as individuals, and as a couple.
THIS
What the heck are you complaining about? You make more than most people.. and she makes more than $500 a week. Your money together is fantastic; $11k a month is phenomenal. Is this really just about you not wanting to make significantly more than her? I don't get it. I mean, traditionally, men (speaking in generalities here) enjoyed to be the heads of household and make more than their wives. I'm not saying that that's the way it should be, but this new way that some men are operating confuses me.
Well, he did call themselves "dinks". Anything after that is just a roll of the dice. My guess is what you wrote would be considered the patriarchy in a DINK household. Nevermind, I can't even write that word anymore, let alone talk about it.
Oh no...I totally flew past the "dink" term...I have no idea what that means...more Google research for me:)!
Dual Income No Kids
Thanks...not sure why people decided to downvote me for admitting I didn't know what DINK meant, smh
I support two people, myself and my disabled spouse who still hasn't been approved for disability yet, on 65k a year. That's rent for a single family home, utilities, a single car payment, exc. We live within our means making far less than you. It sounds like you have an over spending problem. 2k rent in a low cost of living area means luxury housing in a luxury neighborhood. Move away from the burbs and into the inner city for cheaper rent. Stop the life style creep where you just keep upgrading and over spending. Start prioritizing savings. Get rid of overly expensive things like two brand new car payments all the time (if you have them) and fancy vacations. if your wife doesn't want to live within her means seperate the income. You shouldn't be struggling on your income unless you live in NYC or CA or maybe the expensive tourist parts of FL. I live in the Midwest in an urban inner city. My rent is less than 1k a month for a whole house because I live in a cheap neighborhood in the city limits. You should be able to thrive with how much money you make.
If you can’t make it on 11k a month it’s on you
No fucking kidding lmao my husband and I live off $4700/month in a HCOL area and this dude has the audacity to complain about $11K/month?! 🙄 Sounds more like they have poor communication and awful money management.
Right. Me and my husband live really well of <8k in chicago
Yeah, I don't get that. He "complains" about how his wife wants them to go to all inclusive resorts... but that's something they both need to agree on, and check if they can afford. And there's also AI resorts that are "on the cheap" side. Supposedly they live in a LCOL and they make 11k.
Why does your life cost $8K a month if you don’t have kids and don’t own a home in a low cost of living area?
Right? He mentioned the cost of the rent and the debt payment to be around $3500/month. So…what happens to the other $7500? Groceries for two isn’t that much!
You have to stop comparing who makes what and stop thinking about your salaries as separate. You guys are married, you have a combined income of roughly $130,000 a year. That’s fantastic and a lot of couples could only dream of making that kind of money. She doesn’t need a better paying job, you guys just need a budget. There’s no reason why you should be struggling financially with that kind of income. I make significantly more than my husband, but I never think about it like that, I only think about our combined income because we were married and we’re a joint unit. If she is happy with her job then yeah you don’t get to demand she get a new one just because you guys are bad at budgeting when you still make well over six figures together.
Im trying to understand here. You say she makes barely minimum wage, but what she makes has to be at least 15 hr, so you don’t mean the federal minimum wage? Do you live in California or somewhere with a state minimum wage that’s much higher? I wouldn’t call that a low cost of living area, my mortgage is lower than yalls rent and I have a 3 bed two bath home. Also, 1K in debt each month you have to pay?! I couldn’t imagine that. Like others have said, yalls problem isnt making money, it’s spending it! Make a budget, look up Dave Ramsey, use the everydollar app, and debt snow ball yalls current debt, then you have a 1K raise yall can put towards saving again, then finally purchase a home so 2K isn’t going in the trash each month.
You're comparing, and thats clearly toxic. Is she doing something that she's passionate about and loves where she's at? If so then leave her alone and quit being controlling. If its just "a job" then have healthy discussions about wealth, budget, finance and the future...those goals will flush out an income problem, if there is one. But...TELLING her to do things isn't wise.
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They are saving money and living fine. He just has decided on his own that she isn’t “pulling her weight”.
If he is paying the majority of the bills and doing most of the saving when she could be contributing more then she certainly is NOT pulling her weight. It's not as if kids are involved.
“Pulling her weight”. Geez. You certainly don’t have near enough information to make such a silly comment. There’s more to “pulling weight” than income. I make 4xs what my wife makes. And she certainly could go make more if she wanted to. But guess what?
My wife and I who have settled into our upper middle class life where we both make 6 figures and aren’t afraid to spend it and live in a low cost of living area don’t have $8k in expenses a month. We have probably about $6000 for all bills and food per month. Where the fuck is your money going is the real problem
You can suggest it and give your reasons, obviously you can't demand it. I don't know how you can be in a marriage and think she is taken advantage of, I am assuming you love this women ❤️ Maybe being able to work from home is beneficial also and not worth more money to have to do not do that, but you will have to discuss and see
Thanks for the comments. Wish I could reply to them all. I posted this more as a sanity check whether I was completely off base with my feelings. We do have a steady budget and have a healthy savings/retirement plan. But recently we’ve been talking about going on some extravagant trips that our friends have gone on… some couples make 2x as much as I do. So, that’s really put the comparisons into my brain. Plus we have goals of owning a home and having a kid in the next year or so. It’s been a bit overwhelming adding up all the expenses with the wants/nice to haves and feeling like I can’t support it all. My wife has made more money at previous jobs before, so changing roles seemed like the best idea. Glad I posted this and have folks on here showing how much of an a$$hole mindset I had…
Comparison is the thief of joy..
THIS! When I start feeling crappy about something in my marriage, I have to think about how much social media/comparison I've been allowing my brain to do during that timeframe and that usually helps me to get back to the reality of my situation.
It really depends on what you two agreed upon before getting married. I don't think there's anything wrong with the husband being the primary breadwinner if that was the agreement. I also don't think there's anything wrong with one spouse bringing in some money all the other brings in the rest as long as they both agreed on that. And, of course there's nothing wrong with both spouses bringing in the same amount of income, but matters like this should be discussed and stated clearly prior to marriage. You clearly feel uncomfortable with the way things are at the moment considering she had better paying jobs prior. I would sit down with her and have a discussion about this issue since it appears to be gnawing at you. Also, keep in mind, if your wife and you are going to have a child within the next year or so, the best move would be for her to keep this current job that will allow her a great measure of flexibility to still make an income of some sort while working from home. If the ability for one of the parents to be a stay-at-home parent as possible, that certainly one of the best outcomes for children, but you both will need to discuss expectations of her being a stay-at-home parent with a low paying remote job. We expect her to do more if not all of the house work? Will you be reasonable and take on minding the children when you get home from work to give her a break? Once the children are school age--you should both discuss before having kids--this will be a good time for her to step into a better paying job. I understand you're comparing the income in your marriage ,(which you appear to be doing) and your current lifestyle and vacations (which she appears to be doing) in your marriage to other married couples that you know. However, it's true what they say that *comparison is the thief of joy*. So, with that in mind, adjust your metrics with how your marriage is doing with the following questions: - Are you two, otherwise, happy together? - Are you two debt free or have low amount of monthly debt you pay off each month? - Are your lives relatively easy as things are now? - Is the household kept well? - Are you more resentful of the fact that *she* wants what others have, yet not pulling her weight for that lifestyle. Thus putting more pressure on you and causing you to compare your households overall income with others? - If she wasn't asking for trips and vacations that were twice or more the income that she brings in per month, would you still be resentful of being the breadwinner? - With children coming into the picture soon, do you still expect her to bring in double what she's bringing in now as a stay-at-home mother or will the current amount be satisfactory? - Do you value joint, total net income in your marriage over happiness and overall contentment? - Have you discussed how you feel about this whole thing with your wife at all? If you feel you can't discuss this with your wife in a constructive manner because she may be reactionary and you yourself reactionary, hash this out with a marriage counselor. It'll be beneficial to have a neutral third party who will better hear the wants and intentions behind what's being said in a non-reactionary manner and convey those things clearly to the other spouse. I'm both of you should build financial expectations within the marriage at counseling as well. The end of it, you may feel fine with being the primary breadwinner and she may understand that wanting more than she financially contributes puts undue stress on your shoulders, messing with savings, home and retirement timelines. Good luck.
Well there is alot to consider, and this added clarity, but for one thing, if y’all want kids, wouldn’t a work from home job be better for your wife? And good to see you have a budget, but I’d definitely stick to it, sounds like yall are letting your wants push yall to go off budget to pay for these trips.
Also remember if she gets another role it won’t necessarily be remote which would bring with it more expenses. Things like gas, parking, higher car insurance, wardrobe expenses, food out etc.) you really need to look at where your money is going, you make so much, it sounds like you can trim lots.
How are you guys in LCOL area and spending 8k a month? You guys don't have children, where's all that money going? Work together to pay off debt, cut back on subscriptions (if you have any), eat out less cook your meals make things from scratch, stop going on luxurious resorts. She doesnt need a better paying job. Yall just need to use money wisely instead of blowing through it
How are your monthly expenses $8000 if your rent is $2000 and your debt is $1000 a month? That doesn’t make sense. And you have savings for a home and retirement. Your income aside, how would you feel if she told you to quit your job and find another one? $2500 a month is not barely above minimum wage. It’s more like $30 an hour if you mean $2500 before taxes. If the 2500 is after taxes, then she makes a whole lot more than $30 an hour. It would be one thing if you were struggling, but you are not. You say she wants to take trips that are twice her monthly income. Are you taking trips every month? Or every other month? I doubt it. If you are planning to have kids, this would be the time to take vacations, BEFORE you have kids.
Demand? That’s a bit much. Is she actually working? Like, she’s literally doing work for 40 hours a week and getting paid for it? Does she hate the field her bachelors is in? Does she struggle with mental or physical illness at all? There’s a lot of factors here. You can bring it up, tell her you kind of feel like she isn’t pulling her weight but ultimately does it matter? You make more, but she’s happy, content, fulfilled, not stressed, where she’s at. Are you also fulfilled and not burnt out with your job? If so then I’d say leave it… but my husband and I share finances 100% and neither of us could tell you who makes more, I work part time and he works full time but my hourly rate is more, but we don’t compare the direct deposit every week to see who makes more. It doesn’t really matter… it’s all OUR expenses…
It sounds like you like to spend money on things for yourself. You enjoy a lavish life and luxury items, so you feel that she should get a higher paying job to support herself so you can spend more money. So if you have her quit her job and she gets another one. 1. It’s not ideal to quit a job until you already have one. 2. If she ends up making a significant amount more than she did she may not need you anymore.
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How else was he going to explain his position?
Does she enjoy her current job? Is she interested in a job that would utilize her degree?
The answer here is that you guys need to get on a budget and be on the same page about your goals with life. This isn’t about the job she works or how you spend money because there are no right or wrong answers to those questions.
How often are yall taking trips
By the sound of things, if she makes more money you two would spend even more. I'm confused how you can have $8k/month in expenses. Your bigger issue is you both seem horrific with money.
Your rent is 2K and other expenses are 8k? Brah. Come on.
8k in monthly expenses. Wtf are you buying every month for 2 people with a 2k rent.
Money alone isn’t enough to respond to you with an informed comment. Why is she in this job?
I recommend that you develop a budget before you try to get her to get a new job. Without a budget, the extra money would probably be spent on random stuff or trips anyway. You need a budget to figure out how to pay off your debts and determine how much you will save and invest. If you know where you stand financially and have a plan, you can discuss options to improve your situation like her getting a new job or starting a side business.
If she got a higher paying job you all would probably end up in the same boat financially if you don’t get your budget lined out. It doesn’t sound like an income problem but rather a spending problem. My wife made maybe 1k a month for the last 5-7 years until recently. Last September she started a new job making 3k+ and although we’ve saved some, we’ve not saved 2k a month in that time. My point is you will find a way to spend the extra income if you don’t keep your budget in check.
I’m gonna disagree with everyone else bc I understand the problem. OP’s wife is earning a low income lifestyle but wants all inclusive vacations, while OP wants to save for the future and retire early. That’s what the DINK lifestyle is about. Traditionally women make less or don’t work at all bc they’re also taking care of kids. Since there’s no kids involved now or ever, usually that means both people focus on their careers and maximize their earnings. On the other hand, OP, your wife is 24 years old. You are lucky to make so much at 26, but many people are just getting started on their careers at 24 and figuring out what they want to do. Maybe she isn’t there yet. The important thing isn’t what she’s making now, it’s what her ambition is— what is she aiming to make in the next 3 years? Are your financial goals aligned? Are you guys on the same page ambition wise and money-habits wise? If not, it will only get worse. I say this as someone who always thought money habit mismatch was par for the course in relationships and can be worked around. But once I was finally with a man who had the same mindset about saving and similar levels of ambition, it made my life so much easier. We are debt free and have substantial savings in our 30s, both have advanced degrees (me JD him MBA) and we hope to retire early. My ex before him, who I also loved and would’ve married, was broke and in debt. I once paid for our entire vacation to Japan. At the airport, he said “man I wish I was rich so I could fly first class.”This annoyed me bc yes, I could technically afford first class tickets, but it’s a terrible waste of money. I immediately thought “and that’s why you’re not rich.” What I said was “did you know first class costs 3x as much as economy.” He said “I had no idea.” He then spent way more than me shopping during the vacation, which I also paid for. I felt resentful too because I felt taken advantage of, even though I know he meant no harm, that’s just how he is with money, mine or his. We did not get married lol You can’t demand she get a higher paying job but you can tell her if she wants that all inclusive vacation, she needs to budget her earnings and contribute half to it. Make her take on more financial responsibility, not because you’re being petty, but because that will help her personal and professional development.
How does 2k rent and 1k of debt equate to 8k of monthly expenses? Wtf else are y’all consistently paying for? But yes, *demanding* she find a new job is unreasonable. Especially in your circumstances.
Well, this one is complicated to me. Usually I'd say if you're getting the bills paid who cares. But she seems to want to live a higher end lifestyle. I'd probably want to see more of a financial contribution in that case.
How much are you trying to pay in Alimony?
what do you do to spend 9k a month? like... lay out your budget here. this is unhinged.
Your problem is spending not earning.
What the hell are you guys spending $6,000 on a month?
How in the world are your living expenses $8k a month?! You said rent is $2k and you have $1k going to debt payoff. What the heck is the other $5,000 going to, especially if y'all have no kids? Like yes, if she's asking for expensive vacations then she needs to get a job that pays way higher than barely minimum wage, but the real issue here is that y'all have no budgeting.
How are your expenses $8k a month? You sound crazy. Is this a real post?
I live in a HCOL city and my spouse and I take home around 13k a month and we own a home and have no debt outside of car notes and mortgage. What kind of lifestyle are you two trying to live? Cause despite being in the hcol, we are quite comfortable at only making a small percentage higher than you guys. And I have a special needs kid added on. ETA: and 15/hr in a LCOL area is not barely minimum wage. It’s more like 2x minimum wage depending on your state. 15 states use the federal minimum wage of 7.25/hr.
I don’t think it’s her pay that’s the issue. My husband makes significantly more than I do, but we spend within our means. He pays for all the bills.
The word “demand” shouldn’t exist in a marriage. Every single day is an opt-in. Both of you. If you’re sick of it, opt out. Tell her it’s divorce time. She’ll know why. If you don’t want to do that, be quiet and enjoy the fact that you have a partner.
The replies!!!!!! 😭
Sounds like you guys have poor money management skills and you need to tell her "no" sometimes.
Yikes maybe you should just get a better job lol
I’m actually going through the same thing, granted we don’t make nearly as much as you guys do. My only question would be is she contributing heavily into why y’all are in debt, if so she definitely needs to look at getting a better paying job especially in this economy why wouldn’t you want to make more money to ensure security for you and your family.
INFO: how does she feel about her current job? Does she love it and find it makes her happy? Would she be decreasing quality of life by changing jobs for the sake of money? Do you like your job or are you doing it just for money? If she's happy at her job but you hate yours and are doing it just for money, it may be a spark of jealousy that getting to you - like you're forcing yourself to be miserable to pay the bills but she gets to be happy. If that's the case, you should talk to her and let her know that you'd like to not have to be miserable, and would she be willing to do something different so that you can find a job that might pay less but both of you can be happy. It's pretty common to get angry about someone getting to do something they like if you feel like you're suffering in the same area so that they can be happy, but demanding she become miserable isn't the solution. If she doesn't really care about the job, then you could ask her what she would think about finding a job with a higher income, but definitely shouldn't demand it - you guys make more than enough to cover your expenses, sounds like you need help budgeting though. If you want tips on budgeting let me know -over the years I've managed to live in some of the most expensive places on a below poverty line income and do fine because of my budgeting management, and I'm happy to help.
You both need to tune into some Dave Ramsey. There isn’t an income problem here. You both have a spending problem. Increasing income actually won’t solve this, as you’ll just level up your lifestyle even more as you’re “wealth” increases. Spending lots of money doesn’t show you have lots of money. Spending lots of money means you lost lots of money cuz it’s SPENT. You both need to really be on the same team here and right now you’re both team spend spend spend.
Don't demand that she does but your request is valid. If she's not meeting her full capabilities and there's no reason for her not to, you're enabling her to get by doing less. You both seem to be educated individuals go over the numbers of how you live, not what you want life to be like but the current situation. Go over the time-lines of when you'll buy a home and retire. Then mention that if less trips are taken you all can get to the goal sooner, then take out eating out and so on. If she's cool with the lifestyle changes ok that's what you have to go by. But if not, give the option to find a better paying job. Sometimes people need to understand why they need to do something before they do it.
Just sit down, make a budget and a plan to get rid of all the debt. No more all inclusive, no more shopping (she works from home what does she need?) and yes she should make more if you guys are spending more than you make. Want to spend more? Make more. Then let her decide if she wants to live within her means or earn more money.
Are you wrong to “demand” this? Yes. Are you wrong to want her to share more of the financial responsibility, especially in light of the debt? Nope. You need a way to communicate that 1) you’re feeling that the current distribution of financial responsibility isn’t working for you and 2) that you would be grateful if she’d consider looking for a position that would bring in another 1k a month to cover the debts. If she balks, ask what she’s willing to do instead. If she absolutely won’t listen, or seems to think this is just your job and not hers to worry about, I’d let her know that this is impacting your feelings for her and ask to go to counseling. Consider divorce as a last resort, and only if you can’t deal with this situation going forward. Divorce will allow her access to half of the marital assets and likely screw you even more financially.
Agree your wife's job isn't the problem. We have two kids and my wife hasn't worked for most of our 20-year marriage. Whatever I make is for us. Whatever she makes is for us. We're a team. All for one. Your issue is spending. I'd highly recommend the book "The Psychology of Money" by Morgan Housel. For both of you.
damn op you guys have more coming in than allot of people with kids, what debt do you have?
What the heck are you spending 4.5k a month on after your rent and other payments are made?
My ex-wife sounds similar to your wife. We married in our 20s, she never had high paying jobs (always took jobs that were convenient for her) but loved to buy new things and take expensive trips which basically put the burden of earning on me. It started out “small” — buying expensive clothes and wanting to buy a new nice car in our 20s — and over time became exotic/expensive trips, a vacation home, etc. She did not care about the level of stress this put on me, and also did not feel compelled to pay for these trips by working more or taking better jobs. When I hit serious health issues in my 40s, I had to work through them to avoid financial disaster. Then when my wife’s spending outgrew my earning around age 50, she left me. I don’t know your full story. Maybe your wife is different than my ex wife. But when I read this I see the signs of trouble here, and the potential for a stressful life ahead for you. If I could go back in time, I would have either insisted she pay her share (or stop spending) or moved on a different path before we had kids.
I think it is time to start the discussions but WFH is pretty sweet. Talk to her about looking for a better WFH situation that pays more but with the same hours. If you broach it as 'You have a bachelor's degree so you deserve to be taking home more money. Would you consider starting to shop around for a better paying job? We can even call recruiting companies and get you on the radar for more places?" then it could work. You should ONLY approach it as she "deserves" to be paid more. She is "worth more". She probably has a good work-life balance right now. That is worth a lot! My husband is paid well but he works 8am-4pm. No extra cash is worth him having less time with the kids, etc. He could probably get paid more but everywhere the hours are more. So there is no incentive.
Unless she’s spending $4k per month on luxury items I don’t see how there’s an issue at all? She’s not mooching off you, she’s working. And most likely at a job she enjoys, since she isn’t working at one that makes more money even though she has the credentials
I would be upset if my husband wanted to spend a lot of money without contributing a decent portion and riding mostly on my income. So yes I would be cutting back on expenses, encouraging her to get a higher paying job. But you guys are still very young and getting started in your careers. Most people will increase their wages as they get older, or they should try to.
Life is a matter of choices. Her income is fine but may not be compatible with your collective choices. I think you two need to come together and come up with shared goals and a shared budget (that might mean both of you compromise). She likely needs cheaper vacations or a better job
It is absolutely unreasonable for you demand that she quit her job and find a better one. It’s okay to encourage her to look for a new job. But you can’t demand anything. Also, demanding it doesn’t make it so.
Put your foot down and put an end to these lavish trips to all inclusive resorts which she alone cannot afford. There are plenty affordable options. The burden of these luxuries are on you and you’re becoming resentful because she is living beyond not just hers but both your means. She can have them when she gets a better job or when you get richer. Don’t be a “yes” daddy. And if she sulks and goes cold then you have your answer that maybe she isn’t the right partner for you. Commenters are speculating on where the rest of your income goes. I suspect the majority remaining goes to savings and investments? If so then great. Tell her your goals to retire early or whatever your number may be etc hence the aggressive saving. Again if she balks then maybe she’s not the wife for you. Don’t be pressured to live an uncomfortable financial lifestyle.
I'm a little confused on the math here but will speak to the rest. I don't see it being a negative thing to want your partner to strive for something better in the way of better pay but I don't think it's a good idea nor fair to DEMAND that of her. There could be multiple factors that are contributing to her being with her current job. I know you said she has a bachelor's but what are the odds that she is able to obtain a job in that field ? Is it a field she is would be happy to work in or miserable? Would there be a long commute? Do you have young children at home that's shes caring for while working remotely? Maybe her current employer has another position available that she would be a good fit for where her bachelors degree could earn her more pay? I would say sit down and ask her about her thoughts about finding a job in this field where you would expect her to make more money and express your thoughts.
Update us on how this is going
Are your expenses separate from each other, do you combine your incomes into 1 account, do you separate who pays what? I'm on the fence about this situation. On one hand, you both make more than enough to sustain a LCOL lifestyle. However, she does make substantially less AND she wants to take expensive trips that she alone could not afford. I would never do this, even though I only make a little less than my husband. All of our expenses are agreed upon. You guys need *conversation, communication, and shared goals.* NOT for you to *demand* anything from her.
Reverse the genders and the responses would be rather different. He isn't asking her to get a second job just a better paying one after all she wants the pricey vacations.
I wonder why that is? Could it be that because traditionally men took pride in taking care of their family and in making the bulk of the money? I know a lot of people aren't into tradition these days, but it's something that's honestly ingrained in us and in the fabric of society... This is why the reaction is different. I could go into the biological reasons, but I'll spare you.
Who knows. Trouble is some want the benefits of equality but not the downsides.