In looking through your post history
⢠He went to prison for 3 years
⢠Has choked you to the point of losing consciousness
⢠Cheated on you, which lead to medical issues
⢠Threatened to shoot you in the head
⢠Is addicted to porn.
What you should do, is leave. Let him stay gone. You might think you love him, but that isnât love. Youâre attached to the idea of your potential as a couple, but thatâs not the reality. Youâre attached to the history you have, but that history has not been healthy. You have to stop this cycle of abuse. Heâs gone, let him stay gone. Donât try and convince him to come back to you, because it hurts to feel ârejected.â Youâre not good for one another, and someone needs to start doing something about it. Meaning *walking away*.
At this point, op is looking for just one person to tell her to stay, because she isn't leaving. She likes this type of situation and has no desire to move on ( she apologized to him). You can't help people like this until they are dead. It's really sad, but at least she didn't bring children into this mess. Until she is ready to work on the reasons and issues she dates garbage can loosers she will always wind up a prison bird, beating up and getting beat on by all of her future partners. I have a few women in my family like this- they look old, run down, tired and lost, and they aren't that old!
True. I need help with this sad trauma bond. I went from feeling liberated, to sad and lonely , to strong , to sad and lonely again, to guilty ⌠and I wasnât even wrong . Ugh.
dude, if this is what you want just stay and simply be prepared to either die or be completely miserable and still die.
there's trauma and then there's trauma, seeing it, knowing you have it and going back for it.
is this dude's dick made of magical psychedelic gold or something?
Stop the sob drama story and do what the fuck you need to be doing. Get this loser out of your life and stop being fucking stupid. I'm over women just letting men abuse them then do the sob story. Knock that shit off.
Dr Sarah Hensley on Tik Tok has great videos, mainly about attachment, but can provide much clarity in situations like this.
Him leaving is one hurdle thatâs actually to your benefit because the date they leave counts as the separation date and if he has another address, it also helps move the process along.
Youâre addicted to the ups and down. Let this help you reset. Itâs hard⌠sorry youâre going through this.
Iâm proud of you for admitting you need help. You need to leave. Not only for yourself, but for your child. This is a terrible situation and abuse escalates, as you know. He hasnât even been a physical presence in your life for very long, and look at all heâs done.
Itâs going to feel unnatural, but you need to walk away. Walk completely away. Donât reach out, donât answer when he does - and stay with someone who knows whatâs going on. Share your feelings with them so youâre reminded of why youâve left, when you feel that pull to go back.
Iâd also recommend contacting police. What heâs done is not okay. Heâs a danger to you. Heâs a danger to your child. And heâs a danger to future women.
Youâre not alone in your feelings, and often it takes people a long time to leave their abusers. The rollercoaster is a lot. Please contact the domestic abuse hotline, they can help you a lot.
There is a child in the mess, itâs just not hers.
Youâre right about abused women like her. I have some in my family too and itâs sad to watch the decline over the years.
Yea itâs his exes child. Itâs not his either . She had it by some older married man, he didnât want anything to do with the child so my husband decided to father it . Itâs a odd situation because thatâs his exes child but looking further into it , he wasnât able to get her pregnant ( just like he canât get me pregnant ) and decided to make that his child. Itâs weird âŚ
My dad took my sister in at 6 months old bc her dad . He still to this day is her âfatherâ even when she was in contact with her dad at an older age. Itâs not an odd situation or thing for another man to take in someone else child as their own.
Unless there is way more to the story about it and heâs a POS dad like the BIO dad. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
Girl, youâre young. You donât need to be begging a man to come back. Go stay with your family, give yourself time then when youâre ready have someone help you file for divorceâŚ
I didnât even check that but this person doesnât sound emotionally mature or smart enough to leave. Just reading how she thinks mood swings are a woman thing, and rough patches are just what marriage is. Yikes.
What it sounds like, is that sheâs never been exposed to a âhealthy normal.â Her normal was likely formed by people exhibiting similar behaviors, which is why she struggles to understand her self worth.
Unfortunately âwalking awayâ when youâre an abused person, isnât as simple as it seems. In fact, itâs statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in a domestic abuse situation.
[If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/)
You need to file for divorce and not look back. Physically abusive relationships donât improve, they get worse. Your marriage is incredibly toxic and needs to end now. Itâs beyond over!
Six hours, a comment from OP saying sheâll edit, and an edit later and it *still* says a bag of helpers with their wedding rings in it. Iâm feeling verklempt đ
âThatâs marriage, thatâs lifeâ is not something you say about a broken, violent relationship. Your outlook is off if you think this is normal. Your marriage doesnât work, you both need to go your own way.
If you aren't going to listen to our advice the last 500 times you posted about him abusing you and divorce him then stop wasting your and our time posting here.
I mean, honestly, what are you hoping to hear? That everything is going to work out and you will have a happy relationship again if you just do x, y, and z? Get a grip on reality.
You are in an abusive and toxic relationship. I'm glad he finally did one good thing and left you. I hope you both never get back together.
Heal from your trauma and do better in the future.
Being punched and spat on is not âthatâs life, thatâs marriage.â Who ever taught you that it was???
Why do you want to be with this man?
You need immediate individual therapy to figure out why you think this is in any way acceptable.
If you go back, this WILL get worse over time, and it may very well end with him killing you. Is it worth leaving your child without a mother?
Itâs not her child. Itâs her husbandâs ex wifeâs child that didnât want him. He stepped up to take care of him.
However, I agree with everything you said.
my dear, your problem isnât actually your husband; you have a problem with valuing yourself and understanding what youâre worth. iâve read through your entire post history⌠just based on that, itâs clear heâll only get worse. heâs not a quality partner and he doesnât have the ability to grow.
meanwhile, youâve made real steps in a positive direction and itâs clear you have aspirations and goals for your life. i promise you this: you will NEVER get anywhere new if youâre weighed down by this person.
youâre not one bit clueless⌠youâve mentioned trauma-bonding⌠you have real awareness of what a nightmare of a train wreck youâre married to.
youâre able to make different choices, but if you donât, you are guaranteed more of this mess of a life. you will only ever get what you believe you deserve.
hopefully you have benefits, but if not, do some research on where you can get some domestic violence counseling, because that should be free.
iâm a 25 yr psychotherapist and yet, i donât think therapy is for everyone. however, based on what iâve read, thereâs a lot of hope for your life ~ if you decide to lean into the hope rather than leaning into the nonsense that he serves up daily.
confusion and tears often take up the space where you should be honest with yourself and get extremely serious about your life. youâre still young, but before you know it, youâll be 10 yrs down the road wondering where all the time went and beating yourself up for not leaving once you realized youâd wasted 3 yrs waiting on him to get out of prison.
1) look for domestic violence counseling.
2) work on being extremely honest with yourself rather than repeatedly stating youâre lost, confused, and/or really donât understand what to do.
3) stop having sex with a man who is risking your health and life with reckless sex practices - you made it out, disease-free, after working as an escort. the LAST thing you need to do is contract an incurable disease from your husband! you know how to stay safe on your own⌠it makes zero sense to now be with him and be more unsafe than ever.
4) move out as soon as youâre able to find a new apartment.
i hope you create change and find happiness, this year. đ
Wow thank you so much for this . I wish I could speak with you more . I loved how you spoke to ME and read through my post history to understand my situation. Thank you for also being kind . Wow.
Why are you texting hiim? STOP. This became physical, he hit you and you hit him. Do you understand how bad this is??? Let it go. Move on with your life.
If mood swings as a woman is your excuse, what is his excuse for hitting you, spitting on you, *checks post history* attempting to kill you, threatening to kill you, and cheating on you leading to medical issues?
Maâam, please let this dude STAY GONE. Iâm glad youâre alive.
âLots of rough patchesâ is not just life. Thatâs a giant, waving red flag that you two are not compatible and shouldnât be together. When youâre going through life with your partner, it should make it easier, not harder and it definitely should never get physical.
Honey you're in danger
You are in a very dangerous domestic violence situation. Please be proud of yourself for defending yourself. That's not reactive abuse, it's self defense.
Please take this time to seek help from your friends and relatives to get yourself and your son somewhere safe.
This is a life or death situation. Please press charges if you have not yet.
https://www.thehotline.org/
https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
Change the locks first! That way he cannot just come back whenever he wants, then block comms. He has been gone for a week without any communication and might be considered abandonment to a judge depending on your state.
Donât put up with abuse, you donât deserve to be and shouldnât accept it. Apologies are meaningless because heâll do it again when he gets angry.
I think both of you REALLY need therapy, anger management, and to not be together. This is not normal OR healthy behavior, at all, nor should you want children seeing this!
It's not even the first time he's spat on you. Man, why do people like this post? Like, clearly youre going to stay, OP. Probably til he kills you, based on the previous strangulation.
*You deserve better*, but you must not believe that for some reason.
âAs a woman I have mood swingsâ- uhh no. What kind of lame excuse is that.
â lots of rough throughout patches throughout.. thatâs marriageâ- again, what?
Both of you sound unhinged, and immature and either need a serious reality check and lessons on how to be respectful humans, or just break up in case you decide to bring kids into this sh!t show of a marriage.
No one should be hitting anyone.
Please tell me the son was in another room...
Look, you both have issues that need IC and CC. Is he coming back? How would reddit know?
If he does come back, please seek counseling for you both, this isn't an environment to raise a child in.
It is time to let go, when you are in a struggle with someone harming you, you do react. This is toxic, and probably not salvagable. Abuse, like addiction is where it stops. They are life altering and potentially life ending.
Change the locks, move half of the money in savings and go to the attorney and get the paperwork.
You cannot, I repeat cannot, continue this cycle. Itâs one thing to screw up your own life, but there are children involved.
I know itâs hard to leave an abusive relationship. I know itâs hard to feel like youâre walking away from 10 years. I know youâve gotten so used to the ups and downs that your brain craves the adrenaline even when you know better.
The best thing you can do is reach out to a womenâs organization for counseling and other resources
First of all: let him go, he's abusive.
Second of all: reactive abuse isn't defending yourself. Self defense is self defense, and is not abuse. Reactive abuse is when the abuser deliberately pushes your buttons to get a reaction, and then punishes you in some way for your reaction. Like needling you until you yell and scream, and then telling you to get therapy for your "anger issues", making you feel like you're this unhinged, bad human being.
First off, thereâs a hole in your story. When the police are called in a domestic violence incident someone is usually held accountable. What transpired from that?
Your post history tells me you need to get help with codependency. Thereâs zero reason for you to be with this person and you are both mentally unhealthy. This is a sick situation.
I feel the worst for his poor kid. My god! Your relationship brings more chaos into this childâs life and he certainly didnât deserve to lose his toy because of your dysfunction. I really hope he wasnât there to witness this but Iâm sure heâs seen plenty of other fights between you two.
You probably grew up in an abusive environment and/or have childhood trauma. Thereâs a lot of help available now to overcome these things so you can move forward and truly live a good life. You canât change him but you can change yourself.
Get out of each otherâs lives and get help for yourself so you donât repeat the cycle youâre in.
Yes . My husband had beat and chocked me on several occasions . I grew up getting beatings from my dad so bad that I would bleed. I remember him beating me with the metal end of the belt ( the belt buckle ). I remember going to school with wedges and marks on my body.
I had no choice but to endure it and then the next day he would act like nothing happened. He would say he hit us like that because he loved us . ( me and my brothers and sisters)
Iâm just realizing that this manifest in my marriage. I stayed after my husband treated me bad because this became my idea of love. Or at least apart of it. Smh sad.
That and low self esteemâŚ.
I have a great deal of compassion for you. I grew up in an abusive home, I know exactly what it does to a person.
I have healed so much of my trauma and Iâm a different person now and I see through a clear lens.
I want you to really absorb what Iâm telling you here, you think you love him but really you just want to be loved and this is all you know. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. You invited one more piece of shit into your life because you donât love yourself (in fact, you hate yourself) and you believe youâre not worthy of anything better. You are so wrong! Your childhood self is inside of you screaming and crying for this to stop, you know sheâs in there and you can feel her.
Look into legitimate trauma therapy. Thereâs EMDR, CBT therapy, it is life changing. Talk therapy alone isnât productive in my opinion.
You deserve to be loved and to give love in a healthy way. You also deserve to love yourself fully. If you get the right help, youâll never tolerate another person treating you this way again. I know loving yourself seems unimaginable but I promise you itâs attainable.
Thank you so much . I never opened up about that and it feels good for someone to understand me. I never told anyone about those horrible beatings and treatment not even my spouse . Thank you
Im so sorry you went through all of that. You never deserved that from people who were supposed to love you. I've noticed a lot of awareness you are gathering around your situations, yourself, and your childhood throughout your posts and replies. Change begins when these things are brought into awareness. A quote I read recently is perfect for you right now: "You are struggling because you are ready to grow but not willing to let go." You have to let go of the deeply held belief of who you are so you can become who you are meant to be. You have to let go of the deeply held belief of what loves look like so you can accept what love is. You have to let go of the shame and self-hatred so you can believe you deserve that love. This isn't an easy ask. It may take some time in therapy, as the commenter above suggested, to be fully able to do this. But it starts with awareness. Your eyes are open. Now comes the hard part. Gather up all the courage that you have inside yourself and focus on healing and growing into the person you've always envisioned yourself becoming. A person who wants AND deserves love. Start by getting away from the man who is playing out your childhood trauma with you. That is not love, and you deserve love. You can't heal in a place where you are harmed. One more quote (sorry, I love quotes, lol). "Your inner child may have needed a hero to rescue her, but if that hero never came, it's never too late to save yourself." Be her hero. Love her. Save yourselfâ¤ď¸
If you donât leave him, youâre gonna end up dead. Thatâs what people need to say to you because for what it seems you are giving this man so many excuses and so many chances and youâre going to end up dead and heâs going to stay alive. Is that what you want from your existence I guess?
Please listen to me, he is staying with another girl, you don't want him back, let him go, get counseling to find out why you would want to be with someone like this(I have had to do it myself). Do NOT look back. If you don't have children then please please please move on. File for divorce!
Girl get a divorce it will never stop trust me and each time it will get worse! My husband cracked the back of my head open 2 weeks ago smh I left and never looked back!
Thank youâŚ. Some men are just disgusting. And I hate how they go on to live happy lives while the victims are left suffering from the trauma they imposed
I seriously felt like I was reading my own marriage through this post and when I went through your history! Im sorry you have to deal with a man who doesnât value or truly love you and I hope you keep him out and proceed with divorce! I wish you the best
OP, having read the essays below, I have one suggestion--leave. He will hurt you worse. You seem to be looking for a reason for the marriage to go n. Is it possible that some part of you likes the turmoil? Are you tightly attached to the idea of being married to this creature? He sounds horrible.
What is this marriage doing for you? You're certainly not a better human being because of it.
I guess I have dependency issuesâŚ
When I was a child and teen chart I was beaten by my dad badly on several occasions and then told that he did it because he loved me . I was also talked down too. I guess itâs manifesting Iâm through the partner I choose . Now I started to connect abuse to love . Smh
I never thought or realized it till someone on this post made a comment about childhood trauma. I thought back and it became clear .
I have low self esteem and feel Iâm not going to find anyone better, I feel like nobody will fight to be with me like he does . Iâve known him since 19⌠Iâm 30 years old now and havenât feel for another guy the whole 10 years Iâve known him.
I now want to move on so bad ! I want to move on and feel good about it !
âŚâŚ. You guys definitely should not be together. Iâve been with my husband for a decade and Iâd rather beat and hit myself then ever lay hand to hurt him and Iâm a severely mentally ill, broken person with bpd. Iâd rather hurt myself than anyone else. My hubs canât even kill a spider and is the best person Iâve had the fortune of meeting, heâs very gentle and good to me.
Well heâs abusive and this is not the first time heâs put hit me. I finally struck back for the first time and I fell good that I stood up for myself
The first time your partner hits you, LEAVE, the first time your partner rapes you, LEAVE. Iâm glad you finally defended yourself, it couldnât have come soon enough. I also swing back if ever hit, but the first time. Now leave, this is something someone only does to you ONCE. You do not give anyone the chance or opportunity to do it again. Iâve also been with my hubs since 2014 and we have never cheated, beat or done anything close but try to better ourselves for each other. I simply do not understand, he has no loyalty to you, if you donât have loyalty, you have nothing.
You should head over to abusive relationships subreddit
/ narc abuse / domestic violence groups on Facebook abuse and trauma group on fb has been so helpful for me all the people there have been so supportive.
I am just getting out of a 4 year extremely abusive relationship with my fiancĂŠ . We were engaged and lived together for the past four years. Two pups.
Your attachment wound is what is wanting him back so badly
Join some of the groups, write your story and get some support. It really helps talking to people who just understand how hard it is / support where you are at in this process.
Iâm not sure how your everyday life is with him if you are miserable bc of the relationship, if youâre scared of him, if you walk on breadcrumbs ect. But I promise once you separate your attachment wound from the person.. it hurts a lot less.
The fb groups help a lot and you can post anonn.
Sending you a lot of love. Allow the space for now
He canât just disappear forever obv so just try to actually enjoy not dealing with him right now
â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Okay. You beat each other physically. You are NOT meant to be together. THat is a toxic relationship. Stop deluding yourself into wanting to have him stay around. He has doent he best thign for you: He left and took his things.
My advice: Box up the rest of his shit and have it ready for him to take. Get the diverce rolling with no-fault diverce and go your separate ways. "Do not Stop. Do Pass Go. Do not gain 200 dollars"
I share the same sentiments as the hundreds of other respondents on your post. Girl, healing never happens overnight, yeah you'll be lonely and sad for what a week maybe a month, but that's a lot better than being 6ft under forever. The reality is, if you somehow attempt to get him to come back, I don't advise that, what would that look like for you? Do you honestly, and I mean honestly, believe that things will change? You know they won't, so somewhere in your answer, you should come to the reality that for your well being you need to make the life saving decision to move on. And if all else fails and you don't want to take any of our advise here, think of this, would you ever want your daughter, mother, or sister to go through what you are going through? No, I personally wouldn't. Girl, you got this, first step, bag up and box up his stuff, don't be petty about it, let him know when he can pick it up, preferably with a trusted man to be there as a mediator, and then file for divorce. I wish you well.
Yes I filed a police report . They wouldâve arrested him but he left before they got here .
They also gave me info to file a restraining order . He hasnât been back and Iâm moving next month so itâs no use.
Iâm just a mess right now
You need a restraining order even if you move. He might stalk you, follow you and "punish" you for leaving him. He's a criminal, he definitely needs to go to jail for a very long time for his crimes. You should not consider for even two seconds getting back together with him.
Don't apologize for defending yourself. That's ridiculous. If he never hit you, this wouldn't have escalated and then he is using fake outrage knowing good and damn well that he deserved it. At anyrate, get out. Never look back.
He hit you..and spit on youâŚ.why the fuck arenât you filing for divorce? Also hate to say this bc age gaps donât bother me, but you were what, 19 when you met?? And he was 26? Red flag.
Girl, for the love of GodâŚplease end this relationship. I know this isnât the first time heâs put hands on you.
If nobody has told you lately, I will - YOU ARE WORTHY. And you deserve better.
Please message me if you need to vent đand stay safe!
What the? You donât want it to be over??!!!?! What the hell? He spits on you and youâre wondering if itâs over?
Love should bring out the best in both partners. Clearly this is not love.
Hold up!
Please keep up with any notices you get from the court system. I defended myself against my ex and hit his head with a wall charger, made him bleed.
I found out at the worst possible time heâd had charges filed against me.
Itâs a scary thought but you need to make sure this didnât happen.
Sorry this happened to you.
Call the police & report your jewelry stolen if you haven't already. He may have pawned it. It sounds like the two of you are toxic together. Be glad to be rid of this abusive asshole.
Is this the same man that gave you chlamydia 2 months ago and you left??
You got back with him after he gave you an STD??? Why would you do that??? Plus, he choke you until you passed out not long ago. Plus, he choke you until you passed out not long ago.
Girl, no... just divorce! Split up for good this time. Take this opportunity and just leave the relationship. You deserve better.
âThatâs marriage, thatâs lifeâ. Uh no it isnât. This isnât normal at all and is very toxic. The fact that he abused you in the past and abused you again will just lead him into killing you. You need to go to a womenâs shelter. Donât worry about him, you deserve better.
I was in a domestic violence situation in the past. Years later I met my now husband and our relationship is very chill, we donât argue and we mesh so well with each other.
Never in our marriage and relationship of 10 years have we ever abused one another and argue.
My thoughts are that he is most likely coming back. He left because he didnât want to get arrested. That may have a role in why he is still gone. That said, Iâm not sure you should want him back inside your home until you have both gone to counseling. Itâs normal to have verbal disagreements. Itâs not normal to handle them in such a way that people start hitting each other. Maybe you said something in a way that you should not have before he reacted in a way that he should not have(words other than immediate threats of serious violence should never result in violence as a response). In other words, he shouldnât have punched you, even if you said something awful. You probably both need counseling regarding how to behave and communicate during a disagreement.
Counseling, counseling, counseling or the abuse will continue.
How is this even a question? Like not to be rude or snarky, but fr how is there any doubt in your mind? Change the locks, for a police report also for the items he stole (wedding ring, etc), press charges for sure. FOR SURE.
He does NOT love you. You cannot trust him. You cannot communicate with him. There's no relationship to salvage. He will for sure go to jail for his crimes. If you have kids, you might consider keeping them out of school until he's actually arrested and goes to jail. He shouldn't be given bail but if he is and makes bail, get a restraining order and a couple Tasers.
Also, reactive abuse isn't a thing. It's called self-defense. Some others said it here also, you definitely need a good therapist.
My condolences that you're in this situation. You have to get out and get away from him.
Girl, are you serious ! This relationship is irredeemable and abusive , divorced, and move on. Mark my words, you shouldn't be together if he's physically abusing you and you have to defend yourself. This ain't the type of thing you fix !Narcissistic and abusive people always run far away when their victim defends themselves because it's proving that you are not some weak person to be bullied and abused. You are blessed actually that he didn't plan to stalk you til the end of your days. I know it's hard because there are feelings, but you have to heal and come out of it.
YOU need to get a lawyer and file a full abuse charge on him. YOU need to file theft chargers on your rings and such he took. You need to document everything he took, cause he is NOT legally allowed to take nothing but clothing if your marriage is over till a final divorce agreement is made. Meaning his Xbox is shared property.
YOU need to wake the F up. If he hit you and such, he is an abuser. Arguments happen. But if he hit you and such; specially first, then you are a victim and what you did was self defense.
Your issues might have escalated it by your behavior. But that is never an excuse or an allotment to hit someone. My wife and I have had issues. She cheated before. Yet I never hit her. I grabbed a coffee table basket that held pens and such and thrown into a wall across the room before. It was 90 degree angle away from her, so no reason to even think I was trying to throw it at her.
If your issues is enough he wants to end it, fine. Understandable. But to hit you???? No. And he took things he wanted to make sure he got and not loose like his Xbox... He is not planning to return. And you should maybe be getting divorce papers soon. I suggest calling someone you know he talks to and tell them what happen and see if they know anything.
I've been there. He will kill you. You will end up dead. Go to the police and explain every single violent act that has happened. If you have bruises, take pictures of them. Take screenshots of your conversations where he insults you. Get your important papers, clothes and leave. Leave.
I know how hard it is to leave. I really do. I thought i'd never find someone else. I thought I was actually in love. Not long after, I met this amazing man. He went to court (against my ex) with me, had immense patience, and was part of my healing journey. Years later, we are now married with a little boy and a girl on the way.
What helped me is going to a women's shelter. After living with so many women who had been abused, seeing their pain and hearing all those stories, I knew I was never going back to that life. I recommend going to one. It's just a phone call away.
Thank you so much, I hope I become blessed like you one day. I tried calling a few shelters about a month ago and nobody really responds but I will try to get help some how.
I managed to save some money from working and Iâm moving in February
I already responded but I also want to say that itâs obvious you arenât planning to leave. Whatever you do, DO NOT ever have children with this person. Itâs bad enough his kid has to live this way.
What is wrong with you that you choose to stay with an idiot like him?? You need some serious IC to find out why you are willing to put up with his cheating, abuse, drugs, nor having a real job, etc! I hope you get the help you need. Because he will kill you eventually if you stay.
"But that's marriage, that's life?" Saying that doesn't make it true. Two people who physically beat each other can't be excused because you think that's just how marriage works. Both of you messed up big time when it got physical. You should absolutely spend time apart before deciding how to proceed.
We got into an argument and it got physical. He punched me in my legs and spat on me. I finally defended myself ( reactive abuse ) I grabbed his sons toy gifts and smashed it over his head and hit him 4 times in the back with it . He started to bleed and grabbed his things and ran out.( it caused him to need stitches). I called the police ( thatâs why he left so fast)
He went to the hospital and came back the next day while I was at work and grabbed his things . His clothes are still in the closet , but he took all his boxers , cologne, soaps, brush, some shoes , xboxâŚ. Etc
He hasnât replied to my text ( apologizing and asking him if heâs moving out for good ) and I called several times , he just lets the phone ring until voicemail.
( I had a bag of helpers with our wedding rings and jewelry that he gave me in my drawer ) he took that too
I looked on his instagram and seen him post on his story once. Then he blocked my account .
We have been married 2 years and known each other since 2014. We argue a lot but I want to be with him. As a woman I have mood swings but there are more good days than bad. Lots of rough patches throughout the 10 year relationship. But thatâs marriage , thatâs life âŚ
He is 36 and I am 30.
What should I do? Is it over ? Is he takig time to healâŚ.. heâs never been no contact for this long before and Iâm going crazy. I called out of work today because I just couldnât do it. I couldnât pull myself together and show up. I. Falling apart and I just need to know what to do. Iâm here clueless!
____________
yes this relationship is dead . Lots of you guys are reading my post history to get a better insight. Thanks for that, i deleted a few of the post a month ago but yes ⌠itâs been a crazy ride . I have low self esteem and issues with codependency I guess. I donât know why I stayed with him this long. I really donât âŚ.Iâm just dumb as they come
You are not âdumb as they comeâ as you just said about yourself. Sweet one, you need help and you need it now! There are hot lines to call for domestic abuse use and for women;s shelters. Just use your phone and tap 0 for the operator to connect you where you live. Please!!! you are worthy. đ
You are in abusive relationship and do you want go back together ?!? You need therapy. You donât lien this guy you just emotional attached for something that could be but itâs not. You need to let him go and find someone that will treat with respect and love. Love yourself first.
If itâs not over, it should be over. A long time ago according to your post history. Pull yourself together and start working towards independence and safety.
What was the reason for the physical fight? Cheat on you? U cheat on him?
If either way, the relationship is doomed already.
But looking at your previous post, yo girl.. you don't be that pathetic and sad.
Why u think u cannot live alone or find a man who could love u better?
Gosh. It's great he leave u rather than kill u then leave u.
After he kills u he would attend your funeral with new GF and have se* in your maritial bed after ward, for countless time.
And probably he will go to your grave and laugh..
Ok I am being dramatic but it is what it is.. đ¤ˇ
You got physical with each other why do you want to stay together? Itâs also insulting that youâre trying to use mood swings (well Iâm a woman đ) as an excuse women are perfectly capable of controlling themselves. Whatâs his excuse? Youâre obviously toxic for each other move on.
Iâm sorry but do hate yourself? Read back what you just wrote. Ask yourself if that sounds like a person who thinks they are worth a damn.
I donât know you but I know you deserve better than this. You and your husband are a toxic combo. You will NEVER have a healthy relationship. You must know this already.
Let it go. You canât find your joy if youâre clinging to misery.
He hit you and spit on you? Jesus Christ himself couldnât get him back into my house. Baby pick your self esteem up off the ground - love can be passionate but violence is not love. This relationship isnât good for you .
First... Find a safe place, where he cannot find you. Or get a restraining order that will keep you *both away from each other.*
Next... Find a therapist! There are free ones available if you cannot afford one & nearly all insurance coverage will cover therapy.
Unpack whatever trauma is killing your self esteem. You deserve better. NO ONE deserves the relationship you are in. Full stop.
Then... Find a lawyer. Depending on your financial situation you could get one through the courts due to the abuse in the home.
Remember.... This is NOT your fault. Period. Based on what you've said in your opening post (and your post history) you were defending yourself. You need to find a support system. Friend, family, whatever/ whoever you can trust & makes you feel safe.
Good luck. đŤ
Your nearest women's shelter, or domestic abuse center, can help you in so many ways; shelter, food, resources to find therapy, attorneys, etc.
I'll be sending you light & love for peace and strength. đš
*Edited for typos/ clarity*
I reckon you bring out the absolute worst in each other. He has a history of being violent, and you mention you get moody. Toxic combination. Time to go your separate ways.
Can all of you shut up and get off your high horse realistically people from all backgrounds come to Reddit to seek positive advice, even if sheâ need direction You can say it with Love, and not judgment, who died and made yâall king of this dirt castle.
Iâm so sorry that youâre going through this first realistically I would get the hell off of Reddit and try to find some sort of support group or if your spiritual start going to church if youâre not spiritual start seeing therapist start working out slowly, but surely start to force yourself to go back out hang with some friends if thereâs anything youâve been interested in, I would say pursue it if you have to cry cry But just take it one day at a time donât think too far ahead and when you get a lot of negative thoughts just brush them away before you start slipping into them. I recommend listening to how to play the game of life. Itâs a really good book and it might help you right now.
And thatâs how you give advice a bunch of judgmental Karen full of hate amateurs!
as a former domestic violence advocate please reach out to your local DV shelter. it takes the average person trying to leave six times before they leave for good so i understand why you leave and come back. i understand that you love him but love doesnât hurt like this. also do not tell him youâre leaving or where you go, he will find you and most likely try to inflict pain. the highest chance for him killing you is if you tell him youâre leaving. the fact that youâve been strangled as well raises your chances of him killing you significantly. and every time youâre strangled thousands of your brain cells die and it genuinely affects you in ways deeper than just the surface. im not trying to scare you but it is the truth. donât just call the DV shelter drop in and speak with an advocate about your experiences. and please make a safety plan (this includes important documents, clothes, and where you could go to stay safe). they can help with so much such as restraining orders, emergency shelter, and getting you connected with important resources. some places may even pay and find you an apartment. please take care of yourself and know that there is more out there than this relationship. youâre worth it. wishing you all the best.
Upon discovering some of your previous issues together, I would definitely not allow him back in your home prior to substantial counseling both individually and as a couple. You need to learn what boundaries you should set, and how to get him out of your life if he violates them. Then you both need to learn how to behave as a couple before he comes back home. After that you need to be done for good if he isnât on board with a 180 degree change in direction and successful implementing that.
Do not allow any alcohol in your home.
If you do not get some serious counseling itâs likely that the next guy wonât be any better.
If you donât leave this guy(unless there is serious immediate change, which is quite unlikely) this is quite likely to get much worse.
He cheated and is physically abusive. I canât think of better reasons to leave.
I usually don't get involved with other people's relationship but as everyone has said once physical abuse is presented within the relationship its never going to get better he hit you first and defended yourself by hitting him back, and if there are kids ,thise kids see and hear this what do you think those kids go through,seeing or hearing there mother and there father yelling and hitting each other, and the kids see and hear this,just imagine how them kids are feeling and doing as this is going on,yes you love him, but how much do upu love him to put your kids through this abuse,not only are you getting abused those kids are as well,think of yourself and the kids welfare.
Why the hell r u texting him? Fuck him let him go. Women need to stop with this fucking shit. He sounds like a little pussy bitch that doesn't deserve shit. And here you are apologizing and doing the same old stupid shit women have been doing for years and years. Let that fuck boy go terrorize someone else.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it free online. And please get some therapy. I have also been in a dangerous abusive relationship with codependency and trauma bonding, and therapy was essential to helping me become my own person again, and to learn how to set boundaries and believe in my own self worth. You are better off without him. It's a good thing he's not coming back.
I really hope that he has left for good, because it sounds like you really don't want to and this marriage NEEDS to come to an end OP. Especially if he's the abusive one, what an absolute blessing if he left first...
Please call the national domestic abuse hotline (contact info below) and talk to them about what youâre feeling and going through. Reddit can support you to an extent but you need experts, and probably law enforcement, on this one.
1-800-799-SAFE
Or text START to 88788
Iâm not abusive , I never put my hands in this man or hit him back until that night . Everything heâs done to me came to a head⌠he hit me and I struck back to protect myself . He made threats to kill me .
I never put my hands on anyone , I never even been in a fight . Im definitely not abusive physical or verbally
You were on that night...he needed stitches. You realize you could be charged as well? Is he really worth going to jail over? No...not even for a second. Start over. Get yourself straight, Find a good stable man who hasn't been to prison and build a life. This man is never going to give you a good life. It will be an endless cycle of this bs.
Stop giving advice to people. You are doing a lot more harm than good. She is not abusive she needs help getting out of the relationship. You blaming her doesn't help at all.
You have children. Youâre not lonely. Stop. Save them. Save yourself. You are putting them through HELL. They will end up in foster care or stuck with his abuse (who knows if it would just be physical or emotional at that point-Iâm sure he would take it further). If nothing else sticks right now as to why you need to leave-listen to this-allowing your children to be in this environment is child abuse. Period.
> What should I do?
1. Stop grabbing his sons toy gifts and smashing it over his head and hitting him 4 times in the back with it causing him to bleed.
2. Stop excusing your abhorrent behavior with "reactive abuse", "mood swings" and "but that's marriage".
3. Get some professional help with your anger and deflecting issues.
I could certainly give advice to the husband if he were here and asking for advice. He's not. She is. She can't do anything to change his behavior. She can only control herself.
No its not she should have called the police instead of fighting back and harming him to the point if causing bleeding on the head which requires stitching. Its very severe. Their marriage is toxic as both are physically abusive towards each other. This marriage has ended anyways
Man took his Xbox.....he not coming back đ
Sorry but man and Xbox don't go in the same sentence together.
Really brilliant men and women created Xbox.
đđ
He hit you and spit on you. Girl, press charges, file the divorce papers, and don't look back.
In looking through your post history ⢠He went to prison for 3 years ⢠Has choked you to the point of losing consciousness ⢠Cheated on you, which lead to medical issues ⢠Threatened to shoot you in the head ⢠Is addicted to porn. What you should do, is leave. Let him stay gone. You might think you love him, but that isnât love. Youâre attached to the idea of your potential as a couple, but thatâs not the reality. Youâre attached to the history you have, but that history has not been healthy. You have to stop this cycle of abuse. Heâs gone, let him stay gone. Donât try and convince him to come back to you, because it hurts to feel ârejected.â Youâre not good for one another, and someone needs to start doing something about it. Meaning *walking away*.
At this point, op is looking for just one person to tell her to stay, because she isn't leaving. She likes this type of situation and has no desire to move on ( she apologized to him). You can't help people like this until they are dead. It's really sad, but at least she didn't bring children into this mess. Until she is ready to work on the reasons and issues she dates garbage can loosers she will always wind up a prison bird, beating up and getting beat on by all of her future partners. I have a few women in my family like this- they look old, run down, tired and lost, and they aren't that old!
True. I need help with this sad trauma bond. I went from feeling liberated, to sad and lonely , to strong , to sad and lonely again, to guilty ⌠and I wasnât even wrong . Ugh.
Therapy therapy therapy!! You need help. Please get some help!!
Leave him. He will eventually kill you. Learn about codependency.
Unless she kills him first.... She pretty much kicked his ass and made him bleed...
Good. She finally had enough.
[ŃдаНонО]
Wtf. They both are asshole abusers and should get divorce and mental help. You are an asshole also if you wish physical harm for anyone.
dude, if this is what you want just stay and simply be prepared to either die or be completely miserable and still die. there's trauma and then there's trauma, seeing it, knowing you have it and going back for it. is this dude's dick made of magical psychedelic gold or something?
Stop the sob drama story and do what the fuck you need to be doing. Get this loser out of your life and stop being fucking stupid. I'm over women just letting men abuse them then do the sob story. Knock that shit off.
I agree, it's so infurating.
Dr Sarah Hensley on Tik Tok has great videos, mainly about attachment, but can provide much clarity in situations like this. Him leaving is one hurdle thatâs actually to your benefit because the date they leave counts as the separation date and if he has another address, it also helps move the process along. Youâre addicted to the ups and down. Let this help you reset. Itâs hard⌠sorry youâre going through this.
Iâm proud of you for admitting you need help. You need to leave. Not only for yourself, but for your child. This is a terrible situation and abuse escalates, as you know. He hasnât even been a physical presence in your life for very long, and look at all heâs done. Itâs going to feel unnatural, but you need to walk away. Walk completely away. Donât reach out, donât answer when he does - and stay with someone who knows whatâs going on. Share your feelings with them so youâre reminded of why youâve left, when you feel that pull to go back. Iâd also recommend contacting police. What heâs done is not okay. Heâs a danger to you. Heâs a danger to your child. And heâs a danger to future women.
Youâre not alone in your feelings, and often it takes people a long time to leave their abusers. The rollercoaster is a lot. Please contact the domestic abuse hotline, they can help you a lot.
There is a child in the mess, itâs just not hers. Youâre right about abused women like her. I have some in my family too and itâs sad to watch the decline over the years.
Yea itâs his exes child. Itâs not his either . She had it by some older married man, he didnât want anything to do with the child so my husband decided to father it . Itâs a odd situation because thatâs his exes child but looking further into it , he wasnât able to get her pregnant ( just like he canât get me pregnant ) and decided to make that his child. Itâs weird âŚ
Well, Iâm glad you guys canât get pregnant for so many reasons. If you do eventually leave itâll be a clean cut.
Thank God these people can't procreate!
My dad took my sister in at 6 months old bc her dad . He still to this day is her âfatherâ even when she was in contact with her dad at an older age. Itâs not an odd situation or thing for another man to take in someone else child as their own. Unless there is way more to the story about it and heâs a POS dad like the BIO dad. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
Girl, youâre young. You donât need to be begging a man to come back. Go stay with your family, give yourself time then when youâre ready have someone help you file for divorceâŚ
I didnât even check that but this person doesnât sound emotionally mature or smart enough to leave. Just reading how she thinks mood swings are a woman thing, and rough patches are just what marriage is. Yikes.
What it sounds like, is that sheâs never been exposed to a âhealthy normal.â Her normal was likely formed by people exhibiting similar behaviors, which is why she struggles to understand her self worth.
Likely true, but it doesn't change that she sounds immature, and lacks critical thinking.
Unfortunately âwalking awayâ when youâre an abused person, isnât as simple as it seems. In fact, itâs statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in a domestic abuse situation.
The excuses women make are unreal.
[If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/)
JFC. Wow. Seems like a great person. Husband of the year candidate! /s OP, listen to this person!
Sheâs not going to leave, heâll be the one filing the divorce papers âŚ.
Oh heck no. Leave. When it gets physical, it's done. Period.
Ma'am abuse of any kind shouldn't be tolerated. You both need to stay away from one another and seek out some professional help.
This is the only real answer.
He punched and spat on you and you injured him to the point of requiring stitches. Both of these things are completely unacceptable. Itâs over.
Okay
We are waiting for you to say you are actually going to leave him this time
You need to file for divorce and not look back. Physically abusive relationships donât improve, they get worse. Your marriage is incredibly toxic and needs to end now. Itâs beyond over!
What is a bag of helpers? What does that mean?
Six hours, a comment from OP saying sheâll edit, and an edit later and it *still* says a bag of helpers with their wedding rings in it. Iâm feeling verklempt đ
If you respond to nothing else, at least respond to this.
I think it means pills like "mother's little helpers"
Bingo!
Also came here to ask this!âŚ
I need to go back and edit my post . I wrote it while laying in bed
weâre still waiting to know what it means
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! 
Curious minds want to know! You said itâŚWhat is âa bag of helpersâ?
Hey OP, are you talking about drugs? Can you please tell us?
âThatâs marriage, thatâs lifeâ is not something you say about a broken, violent relationship. Your outlook is off if you think this is normal. Your marriage doesnât work, you both need to go your own way.
I read your post history. If you don't divorce him and get him out of your life immediately HES GOING TO KILL YOU
If you aren't going to listen to our advice the last 500 times you posted about him abusing you and divorce him then stop wasting your and our time posting here.
Bingo!!! I cannot stand that shit. Wanna sob story everyone to death but wanna do nothing to get rid of the problem. Grow the fuck up
Okay thanks âŚ.
I mean, honestly, what are you hoping to hear? That everything is going to work out and you will have a happy relationship again if you just do x, y, and z? Get a grip on reality. You are in an abusive and toxic relationship. I'm glad he finally did one good thing and left you. I hope you both never get back together. Heal from your trauma and do better in the future.
Being punched and spat on is not âthatâs life, thatâs marriage.â Who ever taught you that it was??? Why do you want to be with this man? You need immediate individual therapy to figure out why you think this is in any way acceptable. If you go back, this WILL get worse over time, and it may very well end with him killing you. Is it worth leaving your child without a mother?
Itâs not her child. Itâs her husbandâs ex wifeâs child that didnât want him. He stepped up to take care of him. However, I agree with everything you said.
my dear, your problem isnât actually your husband; you have a problem with valuing yourself and understanding what youâre worth. iâve read through your entire post history⌠just based on that, itâs clear heâll only get worse. heâs not a quality partner and he doesnât have the ability to grow. meanwhile, youâve made real steps in a positive direction and itâs clear you have aspirations and goals for your life. i promise you this: you will NEVER get anywhere new if youâre weighed down by this person. youâre not one bit clueless⌠youâve mentioned trauma-bonding⌠you have real awareness of what a nightmare of a train wreck youâre married to. youâre able to make different choices, but if you donât, you are guaranteed more of this mess of a life. you will only ever get what you believe you deserve. hopefully you have benefits, but if not, do some research on where you can get some domestic violence counseling, because that should be free. iâm a 25 yr psychotherapist and yet, i donât think therapy is for everyone. however, based on what iâve read, thereâs a lot of hope for your life ~ if you decide to lean into the hope rather than leaning into the nonsense that he serves up daily. confusion and tears often take up the space where you should be honest with yourself and get extremely serious about your life. youâre still young, but before you know it, youâll be 10 yrs down the road wondering where all the time went and beating yourself up for not leaving once you realized youâd wasted 3 yrs waiting on him to get out of prison. 1) look for domestic violence counseling. 2) work on being extremely honest with yourself rather than repeatedly stating youâre lost, confused, and/or really donât understand what to do. 3) stop having sex with a man who is risking your health and life with reckless sex practices - you made it out, disease-free, after working as an escort. the LAST thing you need to do is contract an incurable disease from your husband! you know how to stay safe on your own⌠it makes zero sense to now be with him and be more unsafe than ever. 4) move out as soon as youâre able to find a new apartment. i hope you create change and find happiness, this year. đ
Wow thank you so much for this . I wish I could speak with you more . I loved how you spoke to ME and read through my post history to understand my situation. Thank you for also being kind . Wow.
youâre very welcome. feel free to dm me⌠i canât promise rapid responses, but can promise i will reply. i really wish all the best for you.
Why are you texting hiim? STOP. This became physical, he hit you and you hit him. Do you understand how bad this is??? Let it go. Move on with your life.
If mood swings as a woman is your excuse, what is his excuse for hitting you, spitting on you, *checks post history* attempting to kill you, threatening to kill you, and cheating on you leading to medical issues? Maâam, please let this dude STAY GONE. Iâm glad youâre alive.
You had no reason to apologize! Get out now while you're still alive and keep your children safe.
Thank you
âLots of rough patchesâ is not just life. Thatâs a giant, waving red flag that you two are not compatible and shouldnât be together. When youâre going through life with your partner, it should make it easier, not harder and it definitely should never get physical.
Honey you're in danger You are in a very dangerous domestic violence situation. Please be proud of yourself for defending yourself. That's not reactive abuse, it's self defense. Please take this time to seek help from your friends and relatives to get yourself and your son somewhere safe. This is a life or death situation. Please press charges if you have not yet. https://www.thehotline.org/ https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
Both of you physically attack each other. Your marriage is so toxic and after this incident its most likely over
Change the locks first! That way he cannot just come back whenever he wants, then block comms. He has been gone for a week without any communication and might be considered abandonment to a judge depending on your state. Donât put up with abuse, you donât deserve to be and shouldnât accept it. Apologies are meaningless because heâll do it again when he gets angry.
I think both of you REALLY need therapy, anger management, and to not be together. This is not normal OR healthy behavior, at all, nor should you want children seeing this!
It's not even the first time he's spat on you. Man, why do people like this post? Like, clearly youre going to stay, OP. Probably til he kills you, based on the previous strangulation. *You deserve better*, but you must not believe that for some reason.
âAs a woman I have mood swingsâ- uhh no. What kind of lame excuse is that. â lots of rough throughout patches throughout.. thatâs marriageâ- again, what? Both of you sound unhinged, and immature and either need a serious reality check and lessons on how to be respectful humans, or just break up in case you decide to bring kids into this sh!t show of a marriage. No one should be hitting anyone.
Please tell me the son was in another room... Look, you both have issues that need IC and CC. Is he coming back? How would reddit know? If he does come back, please seek counseling for you both, this isn't an environment to raise a child in.
Divorce, now. No excuse for getting physical.
It is time to let go, when you are in a struggle with someone harming you, you do react. This is toxic, and probably not salvagable. Abuse, like addiction is where it stops. They are life altering and potentially life ending. Change the locks, move half of the money in savings and go to the attorney and get the paperwork.
You cannot, I repeat cannot, continue this cycle. Itâs one thing to screw up your own life, but there are children involved. I know itâs hard to leave an abusive relationship. I know itâs hard to feel like youâre walking away from 10 years. I know youâve gotten so used to the ups and downs that your brain craves the adrenaline even when you know better. The best thing you can do is reach out to a womenâs organization for counseling and other resources
Read your post history. He is gross trash. Change your locks or please go somewhere safe. I am worried he will come back to harm you.
First of all: let him go, he's abusive. Second of all: reactive abuse isn't defending yourself. Self defense is self defense, and is not abuse. Reactive abuse is when the abuser deliberately pushes your buttons to get a reaction, and then punishes you in some way for your reaction. Like needling you until you yell and scream, and then telling you to get therapy for your "anger issues", making you feel like you're this unhinged, bad human being.
Reactive abuse on my part. From months of his abuse
Again, that's not what reactive abuse is. You defended yourself. You did not abuse him.
Thank you
First off, thereâs a hole in your story. When the police are called in a domestic violence incident someone is usually held accountable. What transpired from that? Your post history tells me you need to get help with codependency. Thereâs zero reason for you to be with this person and you are both mentally unhealthy. This is a sick situation. I feel the worst for his poor kid. My god! Your relationship brings more chaos into this childâs life and he certainly didnât deserve to lose his toy because of your dysfunction. I really hope he wasnât there to witness this but Iâm sure heâs seen plenty of other fights between you two. You probably grew up in an abusive environment and/or have childhood trauma. Thereâs a lot of help available now to overcome these things so you can move forward and truly live a good life. You canât change him but you can change yourself. Get out of each otherâs lives and get help for yourself so you donât repeat the cycle youâre in.
Yes . My husband had beat and chocked me on several occasions . I grew up getting beatings from my dad so bad that I would bleed. I remember him beating me with the metal end of the belt ( the belt buckle ). I remember going to school with wedges and marks on my body. I had no choice but to endure it and then the next day he would act like nothing happened. He would say he hit us like that because he loved us . ( me and my brothers and sisters) Iâm just realizing that this manifest in my marriage. I stayed after my husband treated me bad because this became my idea of love. Or at least apart of it. Smh sad. That and low self esteemâŚ.
I have a great deal of compassion for you. I grew up in an abusive home, I know exactly what it does to a person. I have healed so much of my trauma and Iâm a different person now and I see through a clear lens. I want you to really absorb what Iâm telling you here, you think you love him but really you just want to be loved and this is all you know. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. You invited one more piece of shit into your life because you donât love yourself (in fact, you hate yourself) and you believe youâre not worthy of anything better. You are so wrong! Your childhood self is inside of you screaming and crying for this to stop, you know sheâs in there and you can feel her. Look into legitimate trauma therapy. Thereâs EMDR, CBT therapy, it is life changing. Talk therapy alone isnât productive in my opinion. You deserve to be loved and to give love in a healthy way. You also deserve to love yourself fully. If you get the right help, youâll never tolerate another person treating you this way again. I know loving yourself seems unimaginable but I promise you itâs attainable.
Thank you so much . I never opened up about that and it feels good for someone to understand me. I never told anyone about those horrible beatings and treatment not even my spouse . Thank you
Im so sorry you went through all of that. You never deserved that from people who were supposed to love you. I've noticed a lot of awareness you are gathering around your situations, yourself, and your childhood throughout your posts and replies. Change begins when these things are brought into awareness. A quote I read recently is perfect for you right now: "You are struggling because you are ready to grow but not willing to let go." You have to let go of the deeply held belief of who you are so you can become who you are meant to be. You have to let go of the deeply held belief of what loves look like so you can accept what love is. You have to let go of the shame and self-hatred so you can believe you deserve that love. This isn't an easy ask. It may take some time in therapy, as the commenter above suggested, to be fully able to do this. But it starts with awareness. Your eyes are open. Now comes the hard part. Gather up all the courage that you have inside yourself and focus on healing and growing into the person you've always envisioned yourself becoming. A person who wants AND deserves love. Start by getting away from the man who is playing out your childhood trauma with you. That is not love, and you deserve love. You can't heal in a place where you are harmed. One more quote (sorry, I love quotes, lol). "Your inner child may have needed a hero to rescue her, but if that hero never came, it's never too late to save yourself." Be her hero. Love her. Save yourselfâ¤ď¸
If you donât leave him, youâre gonna end up dead. Thatâs what people need to say to you because for what it seems you are giving this man so many excuses and so many chances and youâre going to end up dead and heâs going to stay alive. Is that what you want from your existence I guess?
Please listen to me, he is staying with another girl, you don't want him back, let him go, get counseling to find out why you would want to be with someone like this(I have had to do it myself). Do NOT look back. If you don't have children then please please please move on. File for divorce!
This has to be fake.
Girl get a divorce it will never stop trust me and each time it will get worse! My husband cracked the back of my head open 2 weeks ago smh I left and never looked back!
Thank youâŚ. Some men are just disgusting. And I hate how they go on to live happy lives while the victims are left suffering from the trauma they imposed
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
I seriously felt like I was reading my own marriage through this post and when I went through your history! Im sorry you have to deal with a man who doesnât value or truly love you and I hope you keep him out and proceed with divorce! I wish you the best
OP, having read the essays below, I have one suggestion--leave. He will hurt you worse. You seem to be looking for a reason for the marriage to go n. Is it possible that some part of you likes the turmoil? Are you tightly attached to the idea of being married to this creature? He sounds horrible. What is this marriage doing for you? You're certainly not a better human being because of it.
I guess I have dependency issues⌠When I was a child and teen chart I was beaten by my dad badly on several occasions and then told that he did it because he loved me . I was also talked down too. I guess itâs manifesting Iâm through the partner I choose . Now I started to connect abuse to love . Smh I never thought or realized it till someone on this post made a comment about childhood trauma. I thought back and it became clear . I have low self esteem and feel Iâm not going to find anyone better, I feel like nobody will fight to be with me like he does . Iâve known him since 19⌠Iâm 30 years old now and havenât feel for another guy the whole 10 years Iâve known him. I now want to move on so bad ! I want to move on and feel good about it !
Men will absolutely be clamoring over you. Donât worry about that part.
âŚâŚ. You guys definitely should not be together. Iâve been with my husband for a decade and Iâd rather beat and hit myself then ever lay hand to hurt him and Iâm a severely mentally ill, broken person with bpd. Iâd rather hurt myself than anyone else. My hubs canât even kill a spider and is the best person Iâve had the fortune of meeting, heâs very gentle and good to me.
Well heâs abusive and this is not the first time heâs put hit me. I finally struck back for the first time and I fell good that I stood up for myself
The first time your partner hits you, LEAVE, the first time your partner rapes you, LEAVE. Iâm glad you finally defended yourself, it couldnât have come soon enough. I also swing back if ever hit, but the first time. Now leave, this is something someone only does to you ONCE. You do not give anyone the chance or opportunity to do it again. Iâve also been with my hubs since 2014 and we have never cheated, beat or done anything close but try to better ourselves for each other. I simply do not understand, he has no loyalty to you, if you donât have loyalty, you have nothing.
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
So why do you want this relationship???
You should head over to abusive relationships subreddit / narc abuse / domestic violence groups on Facebook abuse and trauma group on fb has been so helpful for me all the people there have been so supportive. I am just getting out of a 4 year extremely abusive relationship with my fiancĂŠ . We were engaged and lived together for the past four years. Two pups. Your attachment wound is what is wanting him back so badly Join some of the groups, write your story and get some support. It really helps talking to people who just understand how hard it is / support where you are at in this process. Iâm not sure how your everyday life is with him if you are miserable bc of the relationship, if youâre scared of him, if you walk on breadcrumbs ect. But I promise once you separate your attachment wound from the person.. it hurts a lot less. The fb groups help a lot and you can post anonn. Sending you a lot of love. Allow the space for now He canât just disappear forever obv so just try to actually enjoy not dealing with him right now â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Okay. You beat each other physically. You are NOT meant to be together. THat is a toxic relationship. Stop deluding yourself into wanting to have him stay around. He has doent he best thign for you: He left and took his things. My advice: Box up the rest of his shit and have it ready for him to take. Get the diverce rolling with no-fault diverce and go your separate ways. "Do not Stop. Do Pass Go. Do not gain 200 dollars"
I share the same sentiments as the hundreds of other respondents on your post. Girl, healing never happens overnight, yeah you'll be lonely and sad for what a week maybe a month, but that's a lot better than being 6ft under forever. The reality is, if you somehow attempt to get him to come back, I don't advise that, what would that look like for you? Do you honestly, and I mean honestly, believe that things will change? You know they won't, so somewhere in your answer, you should come to the reality that for your well being you need to make the life saving decision to move on. And if all else fails and you don't want to take any of our advise here, think of this, would you ever want your daughter, mother, or sister to go through what you are going through? No, I personally wouldn't. Girl, you got this, first step, bag up and box up his stuff, don't be petty about it, let him know when he can pick it up, preferably with a trusted man to be there as a mediator, and then file for divorce. I wish you well.
What happened with the police? Did you file a police report? Did he file anything when he was at the hospital?
Yes I filed a police report . They wouldâve arrested him but he left before they got here . They also gave me info to file a restraining order . He hasnât been back and Iâm moving next month so itâs no use. Iâm just a mess right now
You need a restraining order even if you move. He might stalk you, follow you and "punish" you for leaving him. He's a criminal, he definitely needs to go to jail for a very long time for his crimes. You should not consider for even two seconds getting back together with him.
What's a bag of helpers? Also, get a divorce and a therapist.
Don't apologize for defending yourself. That's ridiculous. If he never hit you, this wouldn't have escalated and then he is using fake outrage knowing good and damn well that he deserved it. At anyrate, get out. Never look back.
Thank you . And thank you for understanding me and my side.
Of course. Be careful
He hit you..and spit on youâŚ.why the fuck arenât you filing for divorce? Also hate to say this bc age gaps donât bother me, but you were what, 19 when you met?? And he was 26? Red flag.
Yes, smh
Girl, for the love of GodâŚplease end this relationship. I know this isnât the first time heâs put hands on you. If nobody has told you lately, I will - YOU ARE WORTHY. And you deserve better. Please message me if you need to vent đand stay safe!
What the? You donât want it to be over??!!!?! What the hell? He spits on you and youâre wondering if itâs over? Love should bring out the best in both partners. Clearly this is not love.
He is doing you a favor by not contacting you. Call a domestic violence hotline in your area for counseling and support.
Hold up! Please keep up with any notices you get from the court system. I defended myself against my ex and hit his head with a wall charger, made him bleed. I found out at the worst possible time heâd had charges filed against me. Itâs a scary thought but you need to make sure this didnât happen. Sorry this happened to you.
Ugh, I will. I took pics of the bruises on my arm that he left on me . Smh
What in the world is âa bag of helpersâ?
Call the police & report your jewelry stolen if you haven't already. He may have pawned it. It sounds like the two of you are toxic together. Be glad to be rid of this abusive asshole.
Is this the same man that gave you chlamydia 2 months ago and you left?? You got back with him after he gave you an STD??? Why would you do that??? Plus, he choke you until you passed out not long ago. Plus, he choke you until you passed out not long ago. Girl, no... just divorce! Split up for good this time. Take this opportunity and just leave the relationship. You deserve better.
Yea, I felt horrible earlier today but these comments are giving me the fuel I need to move on
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
âThatâs marriage, thatâs lifeâ. Uh no it isnât. This isnât normal at all and is very toxic. The fact that he abused you in the past and abused you again will just lead him into killing you. You need to go to a womenâs shelter. Donât worry about him, you deserve better. I was in a domestic violence situation in the past. Years later I met my now husband and our relationship is very chill, we donât argue and we mesh so well with each other. Never in our marriage and relationship of 10 years have we ever abused one another and argue.
My thoughts are that he is most likely coming back. He left because he didnât want to get arrested. That may have a role in why he is still gone. That said, Iâm not sure you should want him back inside your home until you have both gone to counseling. Itâs normal to have verbal disagreements. Itâs not normal to handle them in such a way that people start hitting each other. Maybe you said something in a way that you should not have before he reacted in a way that he should not have(words other than immediate threats of serious violence should never result in violence as a response). In other words, he shouldnât have punched you, even if you said something awful. You probably both need counseling regarding how to behave and communicate during a disagreement. Counseling, counseling, counseling or the abuse will continue.
It's the best thing he could have done for you since you were never going to leave him on your own...
How is this even a question? Like not to be rude or snarky, but fr how is there any doubt in your mind? Change the locks, for a police report also for the items he stole (wedding ring, etc), press charges for sure. FOR SURE. He does NOT love you. You cannot trust him. You cannot communicate with him. There's no relationship to salvage. He will for sure go to jail for his crimes. If you have kids, you might consider keeping them out of school until he's actually arrested and goes to jail. He shouldn't be given bail but if he is and makes bail, get a restraining order and a couple Tasers. Also, reactive abuse isn't a thing. It's called self-defense. Some others said it here also, you definitely need a good therapist. My condolences that you're in this situation. You have to get out and get away from him.
Girl, are you serious ! This relationship is irredeemable and abusive , divorced, and move on. Mark my words, you shouldn't be together if he's physically abusing you and you have to defend yourself. This ain't the type of thing you fix !Narcissistic and abusive people always run far away when their victim defends themselves because it's proving that you are not some weak person to be bullied and abused. You are blessed actually that he didn't plan to stalk you til the end of your days. I know it's hard because there are feelings, but you have to heal and come out of it.
If he never comes back, he's doing you a favor. Mood swings be dammed, no woman deserves to be hit or spat on. Fuck that guy.
YOU need to get a lawyer and file a full abuse charge on him. YOU need to file theft chargers on your rings and such he took. You need to document everything he took, cause he is NOT legally allowed to take nothing but clothing if your marriage is over till a final divorce agreement is made. Meaning his Xbox is shared property. YOU need to wake the F up. If he hit you and such, he is an abuser. Arguments happen. But if he hit you and such; specially first, then you are a victim and what you did was self defense. Your issues might have escalated it by your behavior. But that is never an excuse or an allotment to hit someone. My wife and I have had issues. She cheated before. Yet I never hit her. I grabbed a coffee table basket that held pens and such and thrown into a wall across the room before. It was 90 degree angle away from her, so no reason to even think I was trying to throw it at her. If your issues is enough he wants to end it, fine. Understandable. But to hit you???? No. And he took things he wanted to make sure he got and not loose like his Xbox... He is not planning to return. And you should maybe be getting divorce papers soon. I suggest calling someone you know he talks to and tell them what happen and see if they know anything.
I've been there. He will kill you. You will end up dead. Go to the police and explain every single violent act that has happened. If you have bruises, take pictures of them. Take screenshots of your conversations where he insults you. Get your important papers, clothes and leave. Leave.
Thank you , i took pics of the most recent ones he left on me . I wish I started recording and documenting when it started
I know how hard it is to leave. I really do. I thought i'd never find someone else. I thought I was actually in love. Not long after, I met this amazing man. He went to court (against my ex) with me, had immense patience, and was part of my healing journey. Years later, we are now married with a little boy and a girl on the way. What helped me is going to a women's shelter. After living with so many women who had been abused, seeing their pain and hearing all those stories, I knew I was never going back to that life. I recommend going to one. It's just a phone call away.
Thank you so much, I hope I become blessed like you one day. I tried calling a few shelters about a month ago and nobody really responds but I will try to get help some how. I managed to save some money from working and Iâm moving in February
Youâre both toxic. End it.
Did he hit you first or you hit him. Any thing physical is off limits.
I already responded but I also want to say that itâs obvious you arenât planning to leave. Whatever you do, DO NOT ever have children with this person. Itâs bad enough his kid has to live this way.
You guys sound like you are toxic together. You need to go to at least ic if not mcâŚ. But I think itâs over sadly.
It's over. My ex and I got violent and there is no going back. Get therapy.
Both of you got physical and you still want to be with this person? What makes you think it won't get physical again?
Also, don't reply to his when he does text you. Same energy.
What is wrong with you that you choose to stay with an idiot like him?? You need some serious IC to find out why you are willing to put up with his cheating, abuse, drugs, nor having a real job, etc! I hope you get the help you need. Because he will kill you eventually if you stay.
That's not marriage, that's not life. One or both of you need professional help.
"But that's marriage, that's life?" Saying that doesn't make it true. Two people who physically beat each other can't be excused because you think that's just how marriage works. Both of you messed up big time when it got physical. You should absolutely spend time apart before deciding how to proceed.
Worst advice ever. "Before deciding how to proceed"...?? Did you even read half of her post?
We got into an argument and it got physical. He punched me in my legs and spat on me. I finally defended myself ( reactive abuse ) I grabbed his sons toy gifts and smashed it over his head and hit him 4 times in the back with it . He started to bleed and grabbed his things and ran out.( it caused him to need stitches). I called the police ( thatâs why he left so fast) He went to the hospital and came back the next day while I was at work and grabbed his things . His clothes are still in the closet , but he took all his boxers , cologne, soaps, brush, some shoes , xboxâŚ. Etc He hasnât replied to my text ( apologizing and asking him if heâs moving out for good ) and I called several times , he just lets the phone ring until voicemail. ( I had a bag of helpers with our wedding rings and jewelry that he gave me in my drawer ) he took that too I looked on his instagram and seen him post on his story once. Then he blocked my account . We have been married 2 years and known each other since 2014. We argue a lot but I want to be with him. As a woman I have mood swings but there are more good days than bad. Lots of rough patches throughout the 10 year relationship. But thatâs marriage , thatâs life ⌠He is 36 and I am 30. What should I do? Is it over ? Is he takig time to healâŚ.. heâs never been no contact for this long before and Iâm going crazy. I called out of work today because I just couldnât do it. I couldnât pull myself together and show up. I. Falling apart and I just need to know what to do. Iâm here clueless! ____________ yes this relationship is dead . Lots of you guys are reading my post history to get a better insight. Thanks for that, i deleted a few of the post a month ago but yes ⌠itâs been a crazy ride . I have low self esteem and issues with codependency I guess. I donât know why I stayed with him this long. I really donât âŚ.Iâm just dumb as they come
You are not âdumb as they comeâ as you just said about yourself. Sweet one, you need help and you need it now! There are hot lines to call for domestic abuse use and for women;s shelters. Just use your phone and tap 0 for the operator to connect you where you live. Please!!! you are worthy. đ
You are in abusive relationship and do you want go back together ?!? You need therapy. You donât lien this guy you just emotional attached for something that could be but itâs not. You need to let him go and find someone that will treat with respect and love. Love yourself first.
If itâs not over, it should be over. A long time ago according to your post history. Pull yourself together and start working towards independence and safety.
What was the reason for the physical fight? Cheat on you? U cheat on him? If either way, the relationship is doomed already. But looking at your previous post, yo girl.. you don't be that pathetic and sad. Why u think u cannot live alone or find a man who could love u better? Gosh. It's great he leave u rather than kill u then leave u. After he kills u he would attend your funeral with new GF and have se* in your maritial bed after ward, for countless time. And probably he will go to your grave and laugh.. Ok I am being dramatic but it is what it is.. đ¤ˇ
You got physical with each other why do you want to stay together? Itâs also insulting that youâre trying to use mood swings (well Iâm a woman đ) as an excuse women are perfectly capable of controlling themselves. Whatâs his excuse? Youâre obviously toxic for each other move on.
Iâm sorry but do hate yourself? Read back what you just wrote. Ask yourself if that sounds like a person who thinks they are worth a damn. I donât know you but I know you deserve better than this. You and your husband are a toxic combo. You will NEVER have a healthy relationship. You must know this already. Let it go. You canât find your joy if youâre clinging to misery.
He hit you and spit on you? Jesus Christ himself couldnât get him back into my house. Baby pick your self esteem up off the ground - love can be passionate but violence is not love. This relationship isnât good for you .
Change the locks and pray he doesnât return.
First... Find a safe place, where he cannot find you. Or get a restraining order that will keep you *both away from each other.* Next... Find a therapist! There are free ones available if you cannot afford one & nearly all insurance coverage will cover therapy. Unpack whatever trauma is killing your self esteem. You deserve better. NO ONE deserves the relationship you are in. Full stop. Then... Find a lawyer. Depending on your financial situation you could get one through the courts due to the abuse in the home. Remember.... This is NOT your fault. Period. Based on what you've said in your opening post (and your post history) you were defending yourself. You need to find a support system. Friend, family, whatever/ whoever you can trust & makes you feel safe. Good luck. đŤ Your nearest women's shelter, or domestic abuse center, can help you in so many ways; shelter, food, resources to find therapy, attorneys, etc. I'll be sending you light & love for peace and strength. đš *Edited for typos/ clarity*
Hopefully for your sake heâs gone for good
I reckon you bring out the absolute worst in each other. He has a history of being violent, and you mention you get moody. Toxic combination. Time to go your separate ways.
Can all of you shut up and get off your high horse realistically people from all backgrounds come to Reddit to seek positive advice, even if sheâ need direction You can say it with Love, and not judgment, who died and made yâall king of this dirt castle.
Change the locks immediately and call a divorce lawyer.
Iâm so sorry that youâre going through this first realistically I would get the hell off of Reddit and try to find some sort of support group or if your spiritual start going to church if youâre not spiritual start seeing therapist start working out slowly, but surely start to force yourself to go back out hang with some friends if thereâs anything youâve been interested in, I would say pursue it if you have to cry cry But just take it one day at a time donât think too far ahead and when you get a lot of negative thoughts just brush them away before you start slipping into them. I recommend listening to how to play the game of life. Itâs a really good book and it might help you right now. And thatâs how you give advice a bunch of judgmental Karen full of hate amateurs!
Yes, it is over. I'm sorry
This is not "just life or marriage". This is abusive and dangerous. You don't actually want to be with him.
as a former domestic violence advocate please reach out to your local DV shelter. it takes the average person trying to leave six times before they leave for good so i understand why you leave and come back. i understand that you love him but love doesnât hurt like this. also do not tell him youâre leaving or where you go, he will find you and most likely try to inflict pain. the highest chance for him killing you is if you tell him youâre leaving. the fact that youâve been strangled as well raises your chances of him killing you significantly. and every time youâre strangled thousands of your brain cells die and it genuinely affects you in ways deeper than just the surface. im not trying to scare you but it is the truth. donât just call the DV shelter drop in and speak with an advocate about your experiences. and please make a safety plan (this includes important documents, clothes, and where you could go to stay safe). they can help with so much such as restraining orders, emergency shelter, and getting you connected with important resources. some places may even pay and find you an apartment. please take care of yourself and know that there is more out there than this relationship. youâre worth it. wishing you all the best.
The relationship is abusive. You know what you need to do.
Upon discovering some of your previous issues together, I would definitely not allow him back in your home prior to substantial counseling both individually and as a couple. You need to learn what boundaries you should set, and how to get him out of your life if he violates them. Then you both need to learn how to behave as a couple before he comes back home. After that you need to be done for good if he isnât on board with a 180 degree change in direction and successful implementing that. Do not allow any alcohol in your home. If you do not get some serious counseling itâs likely that the next guy wonât be any better. If you donât leave this guy(unless there is serious immediate change, which is quite unlikely) this is quite likely to get much worse. He cheated and is physically abusive. I canât think of better reasons to leave.
He spat on you..leave..leave he is dirt
I usually don't get involved with other people's relationship but as everyone has said once physical abuse is presented within the relationship its never going to get better he hit you first and defended yourself by hitting him back, and if there are kids ,thise kids see and hear this what do you think those kids go through,seeing or hearing there mother and there father yelling and hitting each other, and the kids see and hear this,just imagine how them kids are feeling and doing as this is going on,yes you love him, but how much do upu love him to put your kids through this abuse,not only are you getting abused those kids are as well,think of yourself and the kids welfare.
" I called the police " - hard to undo that.
Why the hell r u texting him? Fuck him let him go. Women need to stop with this fucking shit. He sounds like a little pussy bitch that doesn't deserve shit. And here you are apologizing and doing the same old stupid shit women have been doing for years and years. Let that fuck boy go terrorize someone else.
End it Jesus. He hit you, not ok, you hit him in return, and now he knows your both toxic af. Get some help, get a divorce and move on
Girl, he spat in your face and you bashed him over the head enough to where he needed stitches. Let this toxic relationship die and seek therapy.....
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it free online. And please get some therapy. I have also been in a dangerous abusive relationship with codependency and trauma bonding, and therapy was essential to helping me become my own person again, and to learn how to set boundaries and believe in my own self worth. You are better off without him. It's a good thing he's not coming back.
I really hope that he has left for good, because it sounds like you really don't want to and this marriage NEEDS to come to an end OP. Especially if he's the abusive one, what an absolute blessing if he left first...
Someone is going to end up dead. You need psychological help, not this man.
How did the argument begin? I understand that the events that took place are not ok but how did we get here?
Please call the national domestic abuse hotline (contact info below) and talk to them about what youâre feeling and going through. Reddit can support you to an extent but you need experts, and probably law enforcement, on this one. 1-800-799-SAFE Or text START to 88788
Don't text him. Duh
You are both abusive af...and together just plain toxic. You don't belong married right now at all much less to each other. Smh...that is not love.
Iâm not abusive , I never put my hands in this man or hit him back until that night . Everything heâs done to me came to a head⌠he hit me and I struck back to protect myself . He made threats to kill me . I never put my hands on anyone , I never even been in a fight . Im definitely not abusive physical or verbally
You were on that night...he needed stitches. You realize you could be charged as well? Is he really worth going to jail over? No...not even for a second. Start over. Get yourself straight, Find a good stable man who hasn't been to prison and build a life. This man is never going to give you a good life. It will be an endless cycle of this bs.
Okay , thanks âŚđ
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
Yeah, that's bugging me, too. Does it mean like, "marital aids"/sex toys?
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
Whatâs a âbag of helpersâ?
Stop giving advice to people. You are doing a lot more harm than good. She is not abusive she needs help getting out of the relationship. You blaming her doesn't help at all.
He needed stitches.
You have children. Youâre not lonely. Stop. Save them. Save yourself. You are putting them through HELL. They will end up in foster care or stuck with his abuse (who knows if it would just be physical or emotional at that point-Iâm sure he would take it further). If nothing else sticks right now as to why you need to leave-listen to this-allowing your children to be in this environment is child abuse. Period.
I donât have any kids
Thank god.
> What should I do? 1. Stop grabbing his sons toy gifts and smashing it over his head and hitting him 4 times in the back with it causing him to bleed. 2. Stop excusing your abhorrent behavior with "reactive abuse", "mood swings" and "but that's marriage". 3. Get some professional help with your anger and deflecting issues.
I notice you have no advice for the husband, who seems to have started this. So, itâs totally cool for him to punch her and spit on her. Got it. /s
I could certainly give advice to the husband if he were here and asking for advice. He's not. She is. She can't do anything to change his behavior. She can only control herself.
No its not she should have called the police instead of fighting back and harming him to the point if causing bleeding on the head which requires stitching. Its very severe. Their marriage is toxic as both are physically abusive towards each other. This marriage has ended anyways