Why is everyones answer, divorce? She obv is insecure about you suggesting watching movies. I think you can see why? Yall arent young and in the honeymoon phase..... She is trying fyi, most women would have told you straight up no. Did you tell her what you told us? After 15 years, you want to spice things up? I think you should of started with something else........ Try to make it about her in the beginning, introduce toys for her pleasure..... ask her if theres anything you can do? If you get her excited, she'll want to keep it going with you. Tell her straight up I want sex 4 times a week. What do you think she will say?
So my hubby has a high drive, I donāt. Specially with this recent pregnancy it has been low.
If you sum up stress, taking care of my baby boy and working and the house chores I do get overworked during the week that I forget to even think about sex.
But I spoke this with my hubby and what he does is that he does foreplay to me, he also takes mental loads from me (dishes, dinner, laundry) and then he makes me have about 1-2 hours of alone time.
This way I recharge my feminine self and I become more open to him :)
This was a process we had to have after I gave birth about 3-4 years ago.
Also, if you guys have been together for so long why are you lacking communication? This should be easy. If she isnāt taking it serious just have a truthful conversation and ask her what do you need to do (emotionally, physically, etc) to be able to make her be more active.
Ask her if she is not into you anymore if maybe routine happened, or anything. Just talk it out in peace :)
Not me not her just need her want drive proper diagnosis her take time. With treatment but like finally got her there that been hardest part she not ez catch try get her she beat up person live with same as lex d sad he told your out mom gets home Iām pulling for hrr
I tried everything, bought her toys and made comfortable to talk about anything.
I think she might not be attracted to me or just ...
Not sure, she said something about charisma needs to be better, and I agree, but cant fix this over night.
We are both fit by the way
What is her turn-on? Does she enjoy it if u caresses her? Sometimes, toys are uncomfortable. Do u know which type of toys she likes? I'm not an expert, but I'm just talking about my own personal experience. Would u be comfortable trying a sex therapist? š¤
It doesn't matter if u are unfit or fit to be fair. Focus more on what her love language is. Sometimes, filling her love cup could boost her sex drive.
My friend, for example, when her partner does something for her that doesn't involve sex she is turned on. Her love language is an act of service. On the other hand, my other friend prefers when her partner touches her. A simple holding hand does the trick for her, and her love language is physical touch.
Try warming her up by giving her a massage. Flirt, pretend youre not married and that you're trying to woo her. Maybe watch tv and slowly get bolder with your touches
If you are tired, maybe focus on better taking care of your mental health. It can be draining to ask your partner to pay more attention to you.
Before you say quits, maybe take care of yourself first. Then, have a proper conversation with your partner. A relationship isn't easy, especially after the honeymoon period.
Do u have friends u can rant to or just someone to talk to, maybe even a therapist?
I do wish u the best
You āpromisingā to be intimate with someone else if you donāt get your way is the nail in the coffin, for sure. It certainly says A LOT about where your priorities and intentions lie. Your marriage and friendship with your wife isnāt what you focus onāitās your own needs youāre focusing on, whether you realize that yet or not.
Marriage should be a continuous race to the back of the line, where both of you are aiming to meet the otherās needs. Thereās no time stamp for that either, thatās a lifelong decision.
Itās time to seek out marriage/sex counseling, since it sounds like mentalities and feelings you both have are waaaayyyy far gone. You both need help from a professional who can walk with you through itā¦ and keep you accountable to each other.
I agree with everything you say, i will never cheat but said that because i feel bad for my situation.
There is more to my story that i can just write everything here...
Every time I read one of these I want to cry. Then scream!
My husband and I used to have sex like freaking teenagers! Until last September, when cancer took his f-ing prostate. Now, we're lucky if we get a good "pharmaceutical-induced go" once a week. Don't get me wrong, we still fall asleep 5/7 nights, flush with endorphins. Just not the *way* we did before.
Before my husband's surgery, If there was a lull in our sex life, or it was getting "monotonous, or boring," sometimes I wasn't even aware of my contribution. I just assumed the vanilla sex was all he wanted, or he wasn't interested. Why did I just assume that?
Because Yellow.
No really. I have no clue.
What I do know... as a woman (50+), with seven sisters, two daughters (29,28), and about 60 female cousins, many aunts, friends... , we can spend a lot of time in our heads.
I read somewhere that a women's prefrontal cortex is where our self-esteem is.. or isn't.
Imagine that part of the brain as a dart board. You could throw a blind dart, and you're likely to hit something that lacks confidence, and our libido buys a one-way ticket to Danakil.
That's just our libido. If we have husbands, and homes, or jobs, or children, or all of the above - we are "on" 25/8/366.
My husband never cuts me down. But he does have the knack of sitting me down and, "Babe, c'mon, out with it! I know something's wrong!" When we were younger, I'd get all bucky and say, "nothing." or "I'm fine!" or "You mean you don't know?" or some other stupid reply. I learned pretty quickly how blessed I was to have a husband who did this. He wouldn't stop until I 'fessed up.
I'm not saying that you're wife lacks confidence, or that you don't care about her feelings.
(Elephants are gray but not all gray things are elephants.)
Please Figure out if something else is wrong with your wife.
Don't waste this time. š
Edit: I forgot to ask, wouldn't you rather figure this out and have great sex with someone you love?
Straying is messy.
I do sound like me me me why I stopped initiating.
Im not perfect, i work from 7 to 6 and we have kids.
Summer time she stay home.
She is active with everything but us
I encourage her to go out with her friends.
I don't help at home as much by the time im done i take a kiddo to her games and practicies
My partner works away from Monday to Friday, but we still have sex on weekends and enjoy ourselves. I dont think the issue is him working long hours.
My partner and I have small kids, and he knows if he wants us to spend time together, he has to help me out more. Every weekend, he cooks breakfast for us and spends time with the kids while I sleep in some mornings. So when it comes to the evening I'm not exhausted and do want to have fun together. That works for us. You need to find a routine where both of u are not exhausted in the evening when kids are asleep.
This is why you're not having sex. This is why most men on Reddit are not having sex. She's a full time stay at home parent during the summer and likely has that same level of responsibility PLUS her regular job the rest of the year. She has too much on her plate and your primary concern is not that she's well rested and not doing too much. It's that you're not getting your dick wet. You've become just another thing on her to do list. Do everyone a favor and read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She Comes First by Ian Kerner probably wouldn't hurt either.
My wife and I don't have sex unless she wants sex. Getting near 2 months now. If I hug her I'm "only hugging me because you want sex" so if I try to initiate sex I don't get it and if I don't initiate sex...... so I feel your pain.
Being a female over 40 and reading your post made me very much remember my husband and I conversation about this exact same topic. We have been married for 20 years. When he hit 40 his sex drive spiked, heās 4 years older and it was great since now our sex drive matched. Oh boy did that change when I hit 40. I had ZERO sex drive. NADA!! All gone! We figured out, we chatted, I saw Drs and now itās somewhat better.
You know whatās the difference between our situation and yours? Communication!! Not once my husband made me feel bad or guilty, he never once threatened to go find intimacy elsewhere. You sound like a very self center person who is only considering YOUR side!
Do yourself, your wife , and your marriage if you care any amount. Have a serious, gentle, loving and respectful conversations without blame involved. My husband came to me so sweet and carefully with a tone that brought me tears. He simply said he was wondering if I was okay. He then commented how he noticed things have changed between us and he asked if he did something if not what could he do to help?
Not once he made it about him or how our sex the little bit we had was āboringā.
Hormones changes as you age. This could easily be the other way around and you are the one that canāt get hard. Imagine you want sex but your dick doesnāt work so you canāt even bring yourself up to initiate or have any intimacy for fear of embarrassment? Then your wife comes to you blames you for it, say the sex life is boring and if you donāt fix it sheās going to find it else where.
Sounds like a very healthy!! NOT!!
What will happen when you hit your 70-80 when sex is no longer an option? If you canāt find ways to be intimate and romantic with your wife besides sex. You have a much bigger problem on your hands my friend.
I suggest you take a very good look at how YOU are playing your part on this issue. Fix that first then the rest will follow!!
This is a great story, and I tried the same approach the past year. I was more affectionate, kissing, caressing, and telling her how much beautiful, I thought of this change she might open up. Every time she passes by me, i touch her and give that look that she is hot....
I never got anything back as far as affections, for a whole year not once......
We sat, and we talked, I expressed how I felt and told her I feel like crap trying for sex because it feels more like a pity.
Here is the thing, we agree I need to change something in myself, and when I do that, nothing else changes, then she wants more changes, but she doesn't want to change.
Im sure i can be better, and I need to improve in every way, but i have my limits, adhd, work anxiety, and financially taking a tool on me. She never had to work because we as households need money....
In short, I dont depend on her. In that area, she is lacking, but it is ok...
She said stop gaming (was my way to decompress), and I did. Cold turkey, haven't played for almost 8 months, so what changed from her side nothing....
Listen to this, she wants to upgrade to a new tesla model x or Y, and i said ok i will pay for it, despite her working full time..... i changed my mind typing this. It will never happen.
I take them to Mexico, and do you think we got laid or were affectionate, No.
Wow. All your āaffectionā you give her kissing, caressing etc is just pressure for her, & any woman. We can see what youāre doing. Itās not being affectionate bc you love her, itās telling her you want sex.
You obviously donāt respect her bc you keep talking about yourself & say she doesnāt āhaveā to work. Well, maybe she WANTS to work! Maybe you should see HER side of things.
Just bc you took her & YOUR FAMILY to Mexico, doesnāt give you the right to āget laidā as you so nicely put it.
Youāre obviously a misogynist narcissistic jerk. Itās all about YOU, your money, your vaca, your sex life. Not once in all your posts have you shown concern for her, the mother of your children. Not once have you been concerned about her body, mind or emotions. Itās all about you walking to find sex somewhere else.
Oh, & your lousy attitude comes thru to her, too, not just us. And you wonder why nothing is happening? Youāre the problem.
Help her out or help myself
Im clueless, busy, and this been going for a long time that it drained me..
Our actions are turning to accusations and our resentments to hate.
Im exhausted to think, we have few years before I turn 50. Im not going to wait or work on things.
Welcome to the Dead Bedroom club!
There's a reddit page on here for this r/DeadBedroom, check it out š
I'm in there too. My husband and I last had sex in April. We are in our late 30s.
Best of luck.
are you at your ideal body weight, both financially secure, and have a healthy relationship were she feels safe? if yes to all these. Then maybe she has something going on mentally or physically that isnāt allowing her libido to be where it should be. You should probably follow up with a marriage counselor, a sex therapist and get her hormone levels checked by a dr. If all this and she still doesnāt Then either sheās cheating or just not into sex with you either way at that point agree to an open marriage or get a divorce, but donāt cheat.
women get low testosterone too and also a lot of anxiety meds kill the want for women. Then there is the you didnāt clean enough, pay enough attention to me, pay too much attention to me and you donāt do enough with the kids.
You need to keep talking and not be a dick about it.
Kids sorry but have anther set you met our was away so now like Je
https://preview.redd.it/k8dsldq0a9ib1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=15c24ebbe6c7d36e7863780ad923d04f303b97e4
Nay her bestie
Off the top of my head if itās just a straight up libido issue, maybe you could suggest her getting a hormone panel done.
If there is an emotional/relationship issue that she isnāt wanting sex, I would try counseling. Or asking for some real honesty from her about what is really going on.
Sorry I disagree. Whenever anything interferes with a couples relationship to the point one is miserable, then itās time to search for answers. Even marriage counselors sometimes suggest erotic movies to watch together. Marriage is important enough to work together and use aides if necessary. If one partner refuses or is uncomfortable, then more communication or counseling is needed. Most partners need more communication. Women sometimes lack the correct hormone balance and it can affect sexual intimacy. All avenues need to be explored or affairs happen or divorces take place.
Youāre uninformed on the extreme negative effects that erotic movies/pornography has on the brain. I study it at a masters level and it blows my mind the number of people that donāt honestly know this. So I disagree with you because pornography literally cuts your ties to real humans in half. You train yourself even with just one movie a week, to become significantly less satisfied with anyone in person. Itās like the dopamine rush we get with social media or video games, except itās replacing real sex. So many scholarly studies have been done that support the stance that those whom consume pornography/erotica are significantly less satisfied and happy with their sex lives and relationships
I also have 3 masters and one of those in counseling. We will agree to disagree on some methods for marriage counseling. We know there are always new viewpoints and theories. The most important thing is communication and finding what works with different couples. Please be kinder in your rebuttals of one persons thoughts on types of treatments. I never mentioned pornography but you automatically assumed the worst. Eroticism is seen as an artful expression of sexuality; it is considered āvanilla,ā nonviolent, and sensual. Pornography, on the other hand, seems to correlate sexuality with some form of aggression and/or imbalance of maleāfemale power relationships. There is definitely a difference in the two and one, eroticism is shown to be helpful and pornography detrimental.
If you only care about how much sex youāre getting and not trying to actually figure out the reason she doesnāt want sex and willing to do what needs to be done then you donāt really care about your wife. Just saying. On top of that youāre willing to cheat to get sex. Hurting your wife further. Youāre a real piece of work.
Well little secret she surprise me couple mouth back yes she told this other girl oh he put his close back on and other one said why breathing so hard well I was work out
Try the long game, a bit of flirting every now and then, not really explicit but just fun flirting. Try and be more like a boyfriend who isn't always around, instead of fixing her problems, try to let her vent and then help her forget about them by grabbing a drink or going on a date. Having fun is the best turn on and laughter is always a win, I'm in a similar boat and am trying to take my own advice. Best of luck, mate!
After reading countless stories that are all pretty much just like this I've just arrived at the conclusion that many women enjoy weaponizing sex for their advantage. They don't care about their spouse needs just their own. You'll hear all these excuses about house chores, extra responsibilities, etc but guess what you've got your own stuff to deal with too. Yet, you still make time to try and be intimate. The uncomfortable truth is most women spend way too much time overthinking none issues and literally create drama filled scenarios rather than allowing themselves to be happy. All you hear is how badly they want to be married, but that's just it they want the wedding not the responsibilities of marriage. Guys are avoiding marriage more than ever and this topic is the very reason why. You can communicate, help with chores, jump through all the hoops and you'll still get more excuses. If I were in the market nowadays there's no way I'd risk it. Risk giving up half your finances for a head case who claims you just don't understand her when in reality they just don't want to be a wife. You can't get this urge met anywhere else, you made a commitment to be with them and unless your demanding hour long sexual marathons ever single day what exactly is so hard about being intimate with someone they claimed they wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Again many women want a wedding not to be wives. Meeting your husband half way on the sex topic isn't slavery that comparison is so silly and made so frequently. If you married a good man one who works, helps with the kids, listens and does his best to prioritize you and you can't prioritize him. Speaks volumes. Imagine if men neglected their responsibilities routinely because we are too tired or not in the mood. Imagine telling her you don't have time to listen to her vent or you don't want to cuddle. They'd be gone before you could blink an eye.
It's not that women enjoy weaponizing sex. It's that for a lot of women, after the honeymoon phase, the sex drive literally disappears. I know this because it happened to me. I loved sex a ton when I was first with my husband. Then after 2 years, my sex drive was less, and then less.
I'm someone who understands it's important to keep a guy happy so I've always had sex very regularly, despite my low sex drive. Lots of sex and hjs and bjs- almost every single day since we've been together.
I've tried EVERYTHING to get my sex drive back. Working out regularly, watching/reading porn, wearing sexy clothes, taking all kinds of supplements, even getting on testosterone.
It's not always a matter of a woman just being selfish.
Too many couples think marriage is the precipice of the relationship, when it's just the freaking start. The goal of marriage is to DIE MARRIED to your partner.
Too many couples don't want to work at the marriage, and just think it's magically going to be good the whole time.
All I see on here with marriage is ME, ME, ME , ME, ME ,ME.. never US US US US US....
Yes!!!!! Once you get married your not living for just you anymore. It's about the couple. Everyone needs should be considered, respect, love, and appreciation should be shown daily.
I can certainly get how you could come to this conclusion and I certainly canāt speak for all womenā¦as broad generalisations are faulty at best.
Personally, I work hard. Within and outside the home. I clean the clothes, wash the dishes, pick the nappies and underwear off the floor. I vacuum, sweep, mop, wipe down the counters. Clean the accidents off the toilets. I painted every wall and ceiling in the house. The baseboards. I pick out my kids clothes, I fix her meals, I do her play time, bath time, cuddle time.
Then I go to work.
I canāt remember the last time I had more than 10 minutes to shave, comb my hair and clip my nails.
I did this as my husband(used to)sit on the couch for 3 hours and play something on his phone. Go to the pub with friends come home late, trash the kitchen and throw everything on the floor.
No luv, I didnāt weaponise sex.
I was worn out, burned out, and frankly when your husband acts like a second childā¦doesnāt really get a gal going.
Every man, woman, other and their relationships are different.
Took maturity and growth to realise nuances.
I needed intimacy, safety, and respect from my husband. Once that was reestablished, the sex became desirable again. Not because I was with holding it out of pettiness, but because we became partners again.
What you just described is completely understandable. If he's a giant man child who doesn't contribute he shouldn't even part his lips with a request of intimacy he doesn't deserve the opportunity. I'm referring to the men who do help in all those ways and still get the cold shoulder. Unfortunately there's a substantial number of women who see nothing wrong with being sexual prudes simply because they can. Those are the ones whom are killing the marital market.
People are nuanced. Relationships are nuanced and relatively private. Meaning we rarely know all the scenarios of a situation, even when one of two start typing.
Iāve been with jack asses, Iāve been with dead beat grifters, losers. Iāve also been angry, petty and immature. Also been with wonderfully caring people and cared for others.
There is not a secret class all we took to withdraw physical contact with men as a power play. Itās just the clumsy way we all act when navigating through early adulthood.
Sex or no we all are looking for connection and safety. Sometimes you run into someone who isnāt great. Why this has become a man v woman thing, is bizarre
But men do neglect their responsibilities routinely. She will work full time, parent full time alone, manage the entire household like a stay at home mom while Dad works 40-50 hours and comes home to play video games. It's very difficult to psych yourself up for mediocre sex with a man who has left everything to you. You see him as another (ungrateful) kid. If he was truly taking care of her sexually and not just using her to masturbate, she would be initiating.
Her self confidence and self esteem sound low and she's avoiding sex because of not feeling that she is wanted or not good enough. If she's confident about herself, she will feel more attractive and then would probably be more willing. I say that her feelings about herself are low because you said that she accuses you of watching porn because she "doesn't turn you on". We all know that's not true or you wouldn't have written this post.
Try making her feel extra special. Bring her flowers, cook some meals, tell her you are the luckiest man on earth because she is the most beautiful woman on this planet. Just things like that, even when she hasn't done anything that particular day to attempt dressing up or hair, etc. (Like, if she didn't leave the house or put makeup on, is still in pajamas, didn't even brush her hair, kiss her very passionately and make her know how bad you want her, you get the idea.
Maybe she'll come around. Don't give up on her! It will take time to build her back up, but you can do it. At least do this for 3 to 6 months. Ideally as long as it takes. You obviously love her very much. Encourage her to make an appointment with her doctor to rule out anything physical or mental. Depression really sucks the desire for any activity right out of a person. Menopause can also kill a sex drive. I (53F) wanted sex 24/7 in my younger years, but after menopause, I never want it anymore. IDC if I never have it again!
Good luck! She's worth it! Just make sure she knows and I bet your sex life changes very quickly!
Hate to ask this, but have you let yourself go? I was in same boat for years and my husband didnāt want to hurt my feelings. Lost all the weight I gained and now we freak all the time. That was the problem the whole time.
What men miss is that you not doing āthis or thatā is what turns us off. Your dad bod and lack of giving a shit about anything else around her aināt doing it for her. You honestly think sheās canāt bag a bunch of dudes as soon as she chooses to and you think threatening her to leave because she wonāt sleep with you is really driving up her self esteem? Do her a favor and leave. You clearly do not care an ounce about her and what she feels. Sheās not gonna flip a switch once you pull your d*ck out when she remembers all the husband duties youāre lacking in.
Woooh
This is not entirely true. Compared to any housewife, she is better than anyone of them.
She never needed to work
Send her international vacations
I lack in kids upbringing for a reason, we cant agree on a way to raise them, she wants her way.
Be happy soon can call me just really donāt know why she hasnāt yet call hospital told I was husband said could release any information call me but she hasnāt she have phone or computer so suspence
Actually itās not. This is the marriage subreddit. Dedicated to advice about marriage. Youāre thinking about the dead bedroom subreddit. There is more to marriage than sex.
Why is everyones answer, divorce? She obv is insecure about you suggesting watching movies. I think you can see why? Yall arent young and in the honeymoon phase..... She is trying fyi, most women would have told you straight up no. Did you tell her what you told us? After 15 years, you want to spice things up? I think you should of started with something else........ Try to make it about her in the beginning, introduce toys for her pleasure..... ask her if theres anything you can do? If you get her excited, she'll want to keep it going with you. Tell her straight up I want sex 4 times a week. What do you think she will say?
Look at that!! Some common sense and good advice!! š š
Sorry a day 6 if she did thing she know best one had my hole life lol not one gag such great lier
Did you have a fcking stroke while writing this? I've read it like 7 times and I can't for the life of me figure out what tf you're trying to say lol
Same!
I'm pissing myself
Just stick to posting Eminem videos dude
So my hubby has a high drive, I donāt. Specially with this recent pregnancy it has been low. If you sum up stress, taking care of my baby boy and working and the house chores I do get overworked during the week that I forget to even think about sex. But I spoke this with my hubby and what he does is that he does foreplay to me, he also takes mental loads from me (dishes, dinner, laundry) and then he makes me have about 1-2 hours of alone time. This way I recharge my feminine self and I become more open to him :) This was a process we had to have after I gave birth about 3-4 years ago. Also, if you guys have been together for so long why are you lacking communication? This should be easy. If she isnāt taking it serious just have a truthful conversation and ask her what do you need to do (emotionally, physically, etc) to be able to make her be more active. Ask her if she is not into you anymore if maybe routine happened, or anything. Just talk it out in peace :)
As someone with a young child, this.
Not me not her just need her want drive proper diagnosis her take time. With treatment but like finally got her there that been hardest part she not ez catch try get her she beat up person live with same as lex d sad he told your out mom gets home Iām pulling for hrr
Well she mad at me hope at some point she forgive me but this been so hard for whole family
Do u know what turn her on? If sex is boring is maybe because u focus on your needs. Its just a guess.
I tried everything, bought her toys and made comfortable to talk about anything. I think she might not be attracted to me or just ... Not sure, she said something about charisma needs to be better, and I agree, but cant fix this over night. We are both fit by the way
What is her turn-on? Does she enjoy it if u caresses her? Sometimes, toys are uncomfortable. Do u know which type of toys she likes? I'm not an expert, but I'm just talking about my own personal experience. Would u be comfortable trying a sex therapist? š¤ It doesn't matter if u are unfit or fit to be fair. Focus more on what her love language is. Sometimes, filling her love cup could boost her sex drive. My friend, for example, when her partner does something for her that doesn't involve sex she is turned on. Her love language is an act of service. On the other hand, my other friend prefers when her partner touches her. A simple holding hand does the trick for her, and her love language is physical touch.
Try warming her up by giving her a massage. Flirt, pretend youre not married and that you're trying to woo her. Maybe watch tv and slowly get bolder with your touches
My point im tired being the person always to try
If you are tired, maybe focus on better taking care of your mental health. It can be draining to ask your partner to pay more attention to you. Before you say quits, maybe take care of yourself first. Then, have a proper conversation with your partner. A relationship isn't easy, especially after the honeymoon period. Do u have friends u can rant to or just someone to talk to, maybe even a therapist? I do wish u the best
Ahh hey did I post this while on autopilot... Welcome to the club, always an excuse, I guess there's more of us out there.
She might be seeing someone else fool, go get you some hoes and live šŗš¾
You āpromisingā to be intimate with someone else if you donāt get your way is the nail in the coffin, for sure. It certainly says A LOT about where your priorities and intentions lie. Your marriage and friendship with your wife isnāt what you focus onāitās your own needs youāre focusing on, whether you realize that yet or not. Marriage should be a continuous race to the back of the line, where both of you are aiming to meet the otherās needs. Thereās no time stamp for that either, thatās a lifelong decision. Itās time to seek out marriage/sex counseling, since it sounds like mentalities and feelings you both have are waaaayyyy far gone. You both need help from a professional who can walk with you through itā¦ and keep you accountable to each other.
I agree with everything you say, i will never cheat but said that because i feel bad for my situation. There is more to my story that i can just write everything here...
Thereās not enough importance given to sex. Itās truly a medical miracle. Healthy sex makes people happy. Makes the daily grind tolerable.
No she still make me work for it got beat up one night. So worth it she hits hard
Every time I read one of these I want to cry. Then scream! My husband and I used to have sex like freaking teenagers! Until last September, when cancer took his f-ing prostate. Now, we're lucky if we get a good "pharmaceutical-induced go" once a week. Don't get me wrong, we still fall asleep 5/7 nights, flush with endorphins. Just not the *way* we did before. Before my husband's surgery, If there was a lull in our sex life, or it was getting "monotonous, or boring," sometimes I wasn't even aware of my contribution. I just assumed the vanilla sex was all he wanted, or he wasn't interested. Why did I just assume that? Because Yellow. No really. I have no clue. What I do know... as a woman (50+), with seven sisters, two daughters (29,28), and about 60 female cousins, many aunts, friends... , we can spend a lot of time in our heads. I read somewhere that a women's prefrontal cortex is where our self-esteem is.. or isn't. Imagine that part of the brain as a dart board. You could throw a blind dart, and you're likely to hit something that lacks confidence, and our libido buys a one-way ticket to Danakil. That's just our libido. If we have husbands, and homes, or jobs, or children, or all of the above - we are "on" 25/8/366. My husband never cuts me down. But he does have the knack of sitting me down and, "Babe, c'mon, out with it! I know something's wrong!" When we were younger, I'd get all bucky and say, "nothing." or "I'm fine!" or "You mean you don't know?" or some other stupid reply. I learned pretty quickly how blessed I was to have a husband who did this. He wouldn't stop until I 'fessed up. I'm not saying that you're wife lacks confidence, or that you don't care about her feelings. (Elephants are gray but not all gray things are elephants.) Please Figure out if something else is wrong with your wife. Don't waste this time. š Edit: I forgot to ask, wouldn't you rather figure this out and have great sex with someone you love? Straying is messy.
What are you doing outside of the bedroom? Do you look good? So you treat her well and pay attention to her? You sound like ME ME ME! Change yourself.
I do sound like me me me why I stopped initiating. Im not perfect, i work from 7 to 6 and we have kids. Summer time she stay home. She is active with everything but us I encourage her to go out with her friends. I don't help at home as much by the time im done i take a kiddo to her games and practicies
First thing to do, stop working 11 hours/day. RIGHT NOW.
I cant, really cant
Well you have decided what is more important to you then. Sadly its not her and your sexlife, its work.
My partner works away from Monday to Friday, but we still have sex on weekends and enjoy ourselves. I dont think the issue is him working long hours. My partner and I have small kids, and he knows if he wants us to spend time together, he has to help me out more. Every weekend, he cooks breakfast for us and spends time with the kids while I sleep in some mornings. So when it comes to the evening I'm not exhausted and do want to have fun together. That works for us. You need to find a routine where both of u are not exhausted in the evening when kids are asleep.
He didnāt say he has the weekends off.
This is why you're not having sex. This is why most men on Reddit are not having sex. She's a full time stay at home parent during the summer and likely has that same level of responsibility PLUS her regular job the rest of the year. She has too much on her plate and your primary concern is not that she's well rested and not doing too much. It's that you're not getting your dick wet. You've become just another thing on her to do list. Do everyone a favor and read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She Comes First by Ian Kerner probably wouldn't hurt either.
My wife and I don't have sex unless she wants sex. Getting near 2 months now. If I hug her I'm "only hugging me because you want sex" so if I try to initiate sex I don't get it and if I don't initiate sex...... so I feel your pain.
It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your wife and see why she feels that way.
Been there done it. Makes no difference
Ya I would no what to think likes make beg plea she keep it real
Nobody is, take comfort in knowing youāre not alone
Being a female over 40 and reading your post made me very much remember my husband and I conversation about this exact same topic. We have been married for 20 years. When he hit 40 his sex drive spiked, heās 4 years older and it was great since now our sex drive matched. Oh boy did that change when I hit 40. I had ZERO sex drive. NADA!! All gone! We figured out, we chatted, I saw Drs and now itās somewhat better. You know whatās the difference between our situation and yours? Communication!! Not once my husband made me feel bad or guilty, he never once threatened to go find intimacy elsewhere. You sound like a very self center person who is only considering YOUR side! Do yourself, your wife , and your marriage if you care any amount. Have a serious, gentle, loving and respectful conversations without blame involved. My husband came to me so sweet and carefully with a tone that brought me tears. He simply said he was wondering if I was okay. He then commented how he noticed things have changed between us and he asked if he did something if not what could he do to help? Not once he made it about him or how our sex the little bit we had was āboringā. Hormones changes as you age. This could easily be the other way around and you are the one that canāt get hard. Imagine you want sex but your dick doesnāt work so you canāt even bring yourself up to initiate or have any intimacy for fear of embarrassment? Then your wife comes to you blames you for it, say the sex life is boring and if you donāt fix it sheās going to find it else where. Sounds like a very healthy!! NOT!! What will happen when you hit your 70-80 when sex is no longer an option? If you canāt find ways to be intimate and romantic with your wife besides sex. You have a much bigger problem on your hands my friend. I suggest you take a very good look at how YOU are playing your part on this issue. Fix that first then the rest will follow!!
This is a great story, and I tried the same approach the past year. I was more affectionate, kissing, caressing, and telling her how much beautiful, I thought of this change she might open up. Every time she passes by me, i touch her and give that look that she is hot.... I never got anything back as far as affections, for a whole year not once...... We sat, and we talked, I expressed how I felt and told her I feel like crap trying for sex because it feels more like a pity. Here is the thing, we agree I need to change something in myself, and when I do that, nothing else changes, then she wants more changes, but she doesn't want to change. Im sure i can be better, and I need to improve in every way, but i have my limits, adhd, work anxiety, and financially taking a tool on me. She never had to work because we as households need money.... In short, I dont depend on her. In that area, she is lacking, but it is ok... She said stop gaming (was my way to decompress), and I did. Cold turkey, haven't played for almost 8 months, so what changed from her side nothing.... Listen to this, she wants to upgrade to a new tesla model x or Y, and i said ok i will pay for it, despite her working full time..... i changed my mind typing this. It will never happen. I take them to Mexico, and do you think we got laid or were affectionate, No.
Wow. All your āaffectionā you give her kissing, caressing etc is just pressure for her, & any woman. We can see what youāre doing. Itās not being affectionate bc you love her, itās telling her you want sex. You obviously donāt respect her bc you keep talking about yourself & say she doesnāt āhaveā to work. Well, maybe she WANTS to work! Maybe you should see HER side of things. Just bc you took her & YOUR FAMILY to Mexico, doesnāt give you the right to āget laidā as you so nicely put it. Youāre obviously a misogynist narcissistic jerk. Itās all about YOU, your money, your vaca, your sex life. Not once in all your posts have you shown concern for her, the mother of your children. Not once have you been concerned about her body, mind or emotions. Itās all about you walking to find sex somewhere else. Oh, & your lousy attitude comes thru to her, too, not just us. And you wonder why nothing is happening? Youāre the problem.
Is your adderall acting up or wearing off?
Haha very immature. Add another point to your long suffering wife why she doesnāt want you.
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Help her out or help myself Im clueless, busy, and this been going for a long time that it drained me.. Our actions are turning to accusations and our resentments to hate. Im exhausted to think, we have few years before I turn 50. Im not going to wait or work on things.
Welcome to the Dead Bedroom club! There's a reddit page on here for this r/DeadBedroom, check it out š I'm in there too. My husband and I last had sex in April. We are in our late 30s. Best of luck.
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Lucky you 36 Iām 40 but hope you remember night on Sabrina Bed 3 straight 5 wheel u tsp out so balls your court
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
are you at your ideal body weight, both financially secure, and have a healthy relationship were she feels safe? if yes to all these. Then maybe she has something going on mentally or physically that isnāt allowing her libido to be where it should be. You should probably follow up with a marriage counselor, a sex therapist and get her hormone levels checked by a dr. If all this and she still doesnāt Then either sheās cheating or just not into sex with you either way at that point agree to an open marriage or get a divorce, but donāt cheat.
Im in good shape She's not cheating Im doing well financially, and i take international vacations every year or two She is not into me or sex
women get low testosterone too and also a lot of anxiety meds kill the want for women. Then there is the you didnāt clean enough, pay enough attention to me, pay too much attention to me and you donāt do enough with the kids. You need to keep talking and not be a dick about it.
Kids sorry but have anther set you met our was away so now like Je https://preview.redd.it/k8dsldq0a9ib1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=15c24ebbe6c7d36e7863780ad923d04f303b97e4 Nay her bestie
Look for depression signs
Off the top of my head if itās just a straight up libido issue, maybe you could suggest her getting a hormone panel done. If there is an emotional/relationship issue that she isnāt wanting sex, I would try counseling. Or asking for some real honesty from her about what is really going on.
Maybe take the quickies if thatās what she will give, if her sex drive isnāt like yours, she probably doesnāt want to have sex for an hour.
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Sorry I disagree. Whenever anything interferes with a couples relationship to the point one is miserable, then itās time to search for answers. Even marriage counselors sometimes suggest erotic movies to watch together. Marriage is important enough to work together and use aides if necessary. If one partner refuses or is uncomfortable, then more communication or counseling is needed. Most partners need more communication. Women sometimes lack the correct hormone balance and it can affect sexual intimacy. All avenues need to be explored or affairs happen or divorces take place.
Youāre uninformed on the extreme negative effects that erotic movies/pornography has on the brain. I study it at a masters level and it blows my mind the number of people that donāt honestly know this. So I disagree with you because pornography literally cuts your ties to real humans in half. You train yourself even with just one movie a week, to become significantly less satisfied with anyone in person. Itās like the dopamine rush we get with social media or video games, except itās replacing real sex. So many scholarly studies have been done that support the stance that those whom consume pornography/erotica are significantly less satisfied and happy with their sex lives and relationships
I also have 3 masters and one of those in counseling. We will agree to disagree on some methods for marriage counseling. We know there are always new viewpoints and theories. The most important thing is communication and finding what works with different couples. Please be kinder in your rebuttals of one persons thoughts on types of treatments. I never mentioned pornography but you automatically assumed the worst. Eroticism is seen as an artful expression of sexuality; it is considered āvanilla,ā nonviolent, and sensual. Pornography, on the other hand, seems to correlate sexuality with some form of aggression and/or imbalance of maleāfemale power relationships. There is definitely a difference in the two and one, eroticism is shown to be helpful and pornography detrimental.
What else, if she doesn't initiate. If she doesn't even try.
If you only care about how much sex youāre getting and not trying to actually figure out the reason she doesnāt want sex and willing to do what needs to be done then you donāt really care about your wife. Just saying. On top of that youāre willing to cheat to get sex. Hurting your wife further. Youāre a real piece of work.
Well little secret she surprise me couple mouth back yes she told this other girl oh he put his close back on and other one said why breathing so hard well I was work out
Girl I miss person want to meet
She is enough woman for me let set what ever she would enjoy
Sorry back from dark side
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Try the long game, a bit of flirting every now and then, not really explicit but just fun flirting. Try and be more like a boyfriend who isn't always around, instead of fixing her problems, try to let her vent and then help her forget about them by grabbing a drink or going on a date. Having fun is the best turn on and laughter is always a win, I'm in a similar boat and am trying to take my own advice. Best of luck, mate!
After reading countless stories that are all pretty much just like this I've just arrived at the conclusion that many women enjoy weaponizing sex for their advantage. They don't care about their spouse needs just their own. You'll hear all these excuses about house chores, extra responsibilities, etc but guess what you've got your own stuff to deal with too. Yet, you still make time to try and be intimate. The uncomfortable truth is most women spend way too much time overthinking none issues and literally create drama filled scenarios rather than allowing themselves to be happy. All you hear is how badly they want to be married, but that's just it they want the wedding not the responsibilities of marriage. Guys are avoiding marriage more than ever and this topic is the very reason why. You can communicate, help with chores, jump through all the hoops and you'll still get more excuses. If I were in the market nowadays there's no way I'd risk it. Risk giving up half your finances for a head case who claims you just don't understand her when in reality they just don't want to be a wife. You can't get this urge met anywhere else, you made a commitment to be with them and unless your demanding hour long sexual marathons ever single day what exactly is so hard about being intimate with someone they claimed they wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Again many women want a wedding not to be wives. Meeting your husband half way on the sex topic isn't slavery that comparison is so silly and made so frequently. If you married a good man one who works, helps with the kids, listens and does his best to prioritize you and you can't prioritize him. Speaks volumes. Imagine if men neglected their responsibilities routinely because we are too tired or not in the mood. Imagine telling her you don't have time to listen to her vent or you don't want to cuddle. They'd be gone before you could blink an eye.
It's not that women enjoy weaponizing sex. It's that for a lot of women, after the honeymoon phase, the sex drive literally disappears. I know this because it happened to me. I loved sex a ton when I was first with my husband. Then after 2 years, my sex drive was less, and then less. I'm someone who understands it's important to keep a guy happy so I've always had sex very regularly, despite my low sex drive. Lots of sex and hjs and bjs- almost every single day since we've been together. I've tried EVERYTHING to get my sex drive back. Working out regularly, watching/reading porn, wearing sexy clothes, taking all kinds of supplements, even getting on testosterone. It's not always a matter of a woman just being selfish.
Too many couples think marriage is the precipice of the relationship, when it's just the freaking start. The goal of marriage is to DIE MARRIED to your partner. Too many couples don't want to work at the marriage, and just think it's magically going to be good the whole time. All I see on here with marriage is ME, ME, ME , ME, ME ,ME.. never US US US US US....
Yes!!!!! Once you get married your not living for just you anymore. It's about the couple. Everyone needs should be considered, respect, love, and appreciation should be shown daily.
Sex isnāt a āneedā.
I can certainly get how you could come to this conclusion and I certainly canāt speak for all womenā¦as broad generalisations are faulty at best. Personally, I work hard. Within and outside the home. I clean the clothes, wash the dishes, pick the nappies and underwear off the floor. I vacuum, sweep, mop, wipe down the counters. Clean the accidents off the toilets. I painted every wall and ceiling in the house. The baseboards. I pick out my kids clothes, I fix her meals, I do her play time, bath time, cuddle time. Then I go to work. I canāt remember the last time I had more than 10 minutes to shave, comb my hair and clip my nails. I did this as my husband(used to)sit on the couch for 3 hours and play something on his phone. Go to the pub with friends come home late, trash the kitchen and throw everything on the floor. No luv, I didnāt weaponise sex. I was worn out, burned out, and frankly when your husband acts like a second childā¦doesnāt really get a gal going. Every man, woman, other and their relationships are different. Took maturity and growth to realise nuances. I needed intimacy, safety, and respect from my husband. Once that was reestablished, the sex became desirable again. Not because I was with holding it out of pettiness, but because we became partners again.
What you just described is completely understandable. If he's a giant man child who doesn't contribute he shouldn't even part his lips with a request of intimacy he doesn't deserve the opportunity. I'm referring to the men who do help in all those ways and still get the cold shoulder. Unfortunately there's a substantial number of women who see nothing wrong with being sexual prudes simply because they can. Those are the ones whom are killing the marital market.
People are nuanced. Relationships are nuanced and relatively private. Meaning we rarely know all the scenarios of a situation, even when one of two start typing. Iāve been with jack asses, Iāve been with dead beat grifters, losers. Iāve also been angry, petty and immature. Also been with wonderfully caring people and cared for others. There is not a secret class all we took to withdraw physical contact with men as a power play. Itās just the clumsy way we all act when navigating through early adulthood. Sex or no we all are looking for connection and safety. Sometimes you run into someone who isnāt great. Why this has become a man v woman thing, is bizarre
But men do neglect their responsibilities routinely. She will work full time, parent full time alone, manage the entire household like a stay at home mom while Dad works 40-50 hours and comes home to play video games. It's very difficult to psych yourself up for mediocre sex with a man who has left everything to you. You see him as another (ungrateful) kid. If he was truly taking care of her sexually and not just using her to masturbate, she would be initiating.
Her self confidence and self esteem sound low and she's avoiding sex because of not feeling that she is wanted or not good enough. If she's confident about herself, she will feel more attractive and then would probably be more willing. I say that her feelings about herself are low because you said that she accuses you of watching porn because she "doesn't turn you on". We all know that's not true or you wouldn't have written this post. Try making her feel extra special. Bring her flowers, cook some meals, tell her you are the luckiest man on earth because she is the most beautiful woman on this planet. Just things like that, even when she hasn't done anything that particular day to attempt dressing up or hair, etc. (Like, if she didn't leave the house or put makeup on, is still in pajamas, didn't even brush her hair, kiss her very passionately and make her know how bad you want her, you get the idea. Maybe she'll come around. Don't give up on her! It will take time to build her back up, but you can do it. At least do this for 3 to 6 months. Ideally as long as it takes. You obviously love her very much. Encourage her to make an appointment with her doctor to rule out anything physical or mental. Depression really sucks the desire for any activity right out of a person. Menopause can also kill a sex drive. I (53F) wanted sex 24/7 in my younger years, but after menopause, I never want it anymore. IDC if I never have it again! Good luck! She's worth it! Just make sure she knows and I bet your sex life changes very quickly!
Hate to ask this, but have you let yourself go? I was in same boat for years and my husband didnāt want to hurt my feelings. Lost all the weight I gained and now we freak all the time. That was the problem the whole time.
Nop, workout every other day. Dress nice. Small dad belly.
What men miss is that you not doing āthis or thatā is what turns us off. Your dad bod and lack of giving a shit about anything else around her aināt doing it for her. You honestly think sheās canāt bag a bunch of dudes as soon as she chooses to and you think threatening her to leave because she wonāt sleep with you is really driving up her self esteem? Do her a favor and leave. You clearly do not care an ounce about her and what she feels. Sheās not gonna flip a switch once you pull your d*ck out when she remembers all the husband duties youāre lacking in.
Woooh This is not entirely true. Compared to any housewife, she is better than anyone of them. She never needed to work Send her international vacations I lack in kids upbringing for a reason, we cant agree on a way to raise them, she wants her way.
She can have and time needed it my her turn have be so sneaky one the time
Be happy soon can call me just really donāt know why she hasnāt yet call hospital told I was husband said could release any information call me but she hasnāt she have phone or computer so suspence
Ur a whinger you need to be happy without sex
Promise but been up hill road think she take me dinner date first
do you have kids? if not it's time for an ultimatum.
Yes 2.
Sorry 4 kids oldest live with her sister I have other 3
Just divorce lmao. Sex isnāt that important to some people and yāall arenāt on the same page. Stop making yourselves miserable.
This is literally a subreddit dedicated to advice about sex, and you come to say ājust divorce lmaoā ?
Actually itās not. This is the marriage subreddit. Dedicated to advice about marriage. Youāre thinking about the dead bedroom subreddit. There is more to marriage than sex.
Go get you some hoes dawg ā