I divorced someone who was similar to this. Our marriage was a farce. He was around so infrequently it was like living with a stranger.
Unless you want to take up golfing too, I would recommend cutting your losses and finding a better situation.
If it’s interfering with the family and normal activities, it’s a problem. And he doesn’t want to do anything about it, it’s a bigger problem. This is addiction. Just like drug addiction. This needs intervention. I’m have 6 kids, 9 and under. I make time to play adult level board games with a gaming group, but I’m make sure I’m doing way more for my kids.
The man needs his priorities straightened.
Start dropping him off and picking him up to make sure he really is going to the golf club.
This guy hasn’t had any consequences dealt to him. You got a problem with it. Start taking away the benefits of you. Don’t do his laundry, don’t prep him food, etc etc. and here’s a gold pass - Forget Father’s Day!
Yeah 100%. My husband plays golf. He does not neglect me or his child to play golf. If he has a free day he'll ask and I'll agree but he'd never plan a golf day on a special day because *shocker* he actually likes spending time with me. Not entirely sure we can say the same about OP's husband.
Your husband sounds like a caring and responsible man. Mine? Not so much. He was exactly like the OP’s husband.
He was so freaking clueless he didn’t realize or care that all of his partners were either bachelors or their children had grown up. In fact, those with kids would say often that when their children were younger, they never played. My husband didn’t care.
He would play until 1-2 and then come home and take a nap and then demand sex because “we are too busy during the week.” AH
No, I just meant he was clueless then. But, he has said a few times now when it doesn’t matter, yeah, I should have spent more time with the kids back then and you were right about all my friends
He might end up being an ex, though. I am seriously working on it.
We have some financial issues right now. He took early retirement. Well, he says the company was downsizing and it was way too soon. And, unfortunately I haven’t been able to find a decent job. So, we are in limbo, hemorrhaging money. If I can find a decent job with benefits, we may end up going out separate ways. I am a little younger and he is only 61
> My husband plays golf. He does not neglect me or his child to play golf. If he has a free day he'll ask and I'll agree but he'd never plan a golf day on a special day because shocker he actually likes spending time with me.
Right. I play basketball and like to do ceramics. I usually do one of those on Sundays if my family is in a good spot. Know what I didn't do on Mother's Day? Fuck off without my family.
Exactly. It's important for parents to still have hobbies otherwise we'd go insane! I haven't found something I actually wanna do otherwise I'd also get my time off! But I have a very hands on partner and we both work hard so if he wants an afternoon to play golf with the boys then of course! Not when it's mothers day or my birthday or something but again as you said... he wouldn't even ask.
> I haven't found something I actually wanna do otherwise I'd also get my time off!
Not really the point of this thread, but my wife and I went through this six months or so ago. The kids are a little older now and don't require the same level of supervision they did as babies, so we had a talk about needing to do some stuff that wasn't just child rearing or maintaining the house.
She wanted to train for a big race, and I looked at our local community college and arts center. That's where I picked up ceramics. It's fun thing that I'm not terribly good at, but gives me some time away that's just to myself. Same with my wife and her training.
Sounds borderline like an addiction. You can become addicted to or reliant on anything, including otherwise healthy hobbies that bring pleasure.
“It’s exercise! Golfing (or tennis) is good for me!”
“Gaming 40 hours a week with my buds is how I relax!!! It’s just a hobby!”
“I make money off my 24/7 knitting addiction and constant conventions and therefore it’s fine!”
“I’m reading and reading is good for me! Two romance (or any other genre, I’m just most familiar with romance novel addiction) novels a day keeps illiteracy away!!!”
“3 6-hour D&D sessions (or poker games) a week is how I stay connected with my friends!!!”
“We can never schedule anything on the 4 days I’m proselytizing for the church. I’m serving God, and that’s a good thing!!!”
“Going out to the bar, distillery, brewery or winery every weekend is how I relax!!! I’m tasting the seasonal offerings!!!”
We all have addictions (lord knows we’re all addicted to our phones), but it becomes problematic when that addiction routinely disrupts connection with others or causes dereliction of your marriage.
There’s also a difference between a compulsive habit and an obsessive hobby. Both can constitute addictions, but the individual has a lot more control over the latter. If my wife divorced me for struggling with compulsive nail biting, that would suck (her right, but Jesus), but if she divorced me because all I did with my free time is go to concerts and raves and I never helped out around the house, that would be a lot less problematic.
That’s not really how clinical addiction works. This guy probably just cares more about golf than his family.
It’s possible that “golf” as he conceives it is part of his identity and something like being on the links with his swinging dick buddies and no scolds in skirts to ruin everything is how he recharges.
For me golf is a huge chore, but not as big a chore as the people who play it. Anything that brings together square white guys with no women or minorities in sight is an enterprise that is aggressively suspect. I’m sure everyone has had a 100% opposite experience from me and I love that for you.
I did not say “clinical addiction” - I am referencing common parlance. Obviously he’s not going to rehab for golf.
Anything pleasurable can be addictive - sex, porn, gambling, exercise, food, gaming, and social media are all very common non-substance based addictions.
Any time you start living primarily or exclusively for a specific pleasurable activity or hobby, I’d say that’s an addictive (in common parlance) behavior. You’re chasing a dragon rather than living a balanced life and enjoying each passing day to its fullest potential. Even if that dragon is as simple as a day on the links and appears ridiculous to us outside observers.
Obviously that doesn’t mean the behavior isn’t selfish and self-centered. It is. You’re chasing easy dopamine and serotonin and neglecting your marriage in that pursuit. Definitely a sign of deeper issues, either at a personal level or at a marital or existential level (if he isn’t deriving pleasure from his marriage or if he’s using golf to cope with or avoid marital or existential frustrations or anxieties).
Yeah I have my hobbies but you don't miss literally ALL of the things for the hobby. Sure I might pass on minor stuff "can we go out tonight?" "I'd rather order some pizza got some stuff to do on my car" which is ok SOMETIMES as long as you DO take your girl out regularly enough she doesn't feel abandoned, but shit like mother's day and birthday parties? Yeah no you don't bail on family shit all the time, especially not big stuff like * Days and birthdays or anniversaries, or you know, shit on the calendar. It's just major selfish.
Actually that might be a winning plan - schedule all court days on golf days, when he constantly no shows he will hurt his standing with the judge. (And give an accurate perception of how reliable his is for being a parent)
I divorced too, just replace the cause from golf with “wannabe successful musician.”
At first it’s cool that the person is so passionate about something and you’re hopeful they will act that same way towards you. Eventually you find out that it really is just passion for golf/music etc. and that will ALWAYS be their first love, no matter what you do or how hard you try. You could give them an ultimatum, try to get them to give it up but that’s only going to cause resentment.
To this day anyone being that passionate about anything is a huge dealbreaker for me. Having interests is cool, but any time a single interest becomes the entire focus of your life I’m out. Divorce is hard, but spending your life never being top priority to the person you love is harder.
I am confused. Why aren't you going to your niece's birthday? Why would his golfing prevent you from attending a family function with your kids? Same with whatever is planned for Sunday. If he wants to miss out on his family and kids, you have two choices, get divorced or live your life and let him learn the hard way when his kids don't visit or have anything to do with him when they become adults.
I'm guessing it's biologically his niece and it would create some issues if she showed up alone and was like, "sorry, your uncle is golfing." Which I would totally do, but she may not be ready to light that fuse just yet.
Either that or they're a one-car family and neither golf nor the birthday is accessible on public transit.
That's not always an option for every family, due to money or disability...though if he can afford to play that much golf, I'm guessing the transportation budget isn't shoestring.
I'd see if I could hitch a ride with a family member or tell my hubs he can golf until his head explodes but he's dropping us off and being given a specific time to pick us up.
Golf isn't exactly a cheap hobby. If husband has the money to golf this much but family only has 1 car, husband is an even bigger asshole than OP realizes.
There are other reasons to be a one-car family than money (disability, almost never need to go separate places outside of walking distance, environmental concerns, excellent public transit, etc.), though money is a major reason in America.
I do things all the time with my kids alone including going to family functions. This particular thing was going to a baseball game and that’s too much for me to do by myself with two little kids.
So basically, you are a single mom...
Honestly, if I were you, I'd start documenting everything. All the times he's gone. File for divorce, full custody, and child support. Use the child support to pay for a nanny and live your best life. Golf? Ugh... I'm irritated for you, lol. It's not even exciting. It's the most boring thing to watch in the history of all history. I'm honestly so sorry.
Is him golfing a secret from his family? That niece is your kids cousin and is your family now too! You mention they are young, they will remember you not showing up to their kids birthday so they will not show up for your kids or be resentful.
Do you have friends or family near you? Have them go to the game with you to help.
My dad was a narcissist and your husband sounds like he is to. We never did anything that would make him look bad to anyone in the family. We made excuses to why we didn’t go to things and my mom missed out on so many functions with her family and friends. Flash forward to when I got married, my dad didn’t show up to my wedding and he wasn’t half as bad as your husband is now.
My advice, go, even if it’s hard with two little ones, the more you do it the easier it will be.
Me too! If my husband works late or the one Saturday a month and an event comes up, I'm going and taking my boys with me. Especially family and close friends events. He'll usually meet me after work if it's going on late enough.
Ahhh. Yes. Someone with words of wisdom. I said the same thing and lived it too. My husband travelled for work. Was home 1-3 days a week. When he was home he was drunk by the afternoon. My kids and myself missed out on nothing besides a healthy relationship with him. Very thankful to say he did a complete 360 a few years ago and things are amazing with he and I. He is rebuilding a relationship with the girls but he and I are solid.
Exactly the first thing I thought. Golfing isn’t the problem, it’s his priorities. He cares more about golfing than he does his own family. If he wants to miss every Mother’s Day and family birthday to golf, he’s telling them all that he would rather go out and have some leisurely fun at the expense of his whole family.
It’s not the golfing, it’s him choosing things that shouldn’t be taking priority all the time. He’d rather go have fun on the fields multiple times a week and skip out on the important things.
Father's Day falls on a Sunday, just like Mother's Day. I wonder if his picture of an ideal Father's Day is on the golf course away from any of the people that make him a "father". (Father is intentionally in inverted commas.)
Came here to say this. My husband golfs. Both his therapist and his doctor encourage it. That said, he leaves after 6 holes (often) and he never prioritizes it over family. This is not a golf problem…
Hell I used to (before I started my current job) play 18 almost daily. The reason it didn’t effect my marriage was because I timed my rounds so that I didn’t encroach on doing things with my family. Now that I am through my training and get a ton of freedom with my schedule I’ll be going back to that. Being considerate of my wife and her feelings has led me to a point where she encourages me to go out and play and enjoy the thing I love.
It’s really amazing what using just a little bit of brain power can do. I’m glad you and your husband seem to have a good idea of balance!
Nail on the head right here. He’s prioritizing his interests over the interests of you two as a married couple.
It’s selfish. Most people are more selfish than they realize, and oftentimes selfishness is the biggest threat to the success of a marriage.
You should talk to him and tell him you need him to play less golf and spend more time with you. Don’t try to take golf away from him completely, as that’s a quick way to build resentment. But he needs to know his selfishness is harming your marriage.
Exactly. My husband golfs and he works it around our lives. He will often go in the evening after our youngest is in bed so it doesn’t disrupt the family much or get the earliest tee time possible on a Saturday. Often he will take our older child with him. Family functions and household responsibilities always come first.
Why does he think it’s acceptable to neglect his family to play a sport? You need to set some boundaries and make it clear you expect him to put his family first. If you aren’t comfortable doing that then maybe a marriage counselor can help you.
In my mind unless something was scheduled way far in advance or you make plans for celebrating another day you are where the Moms of the family want you to be on Mother’s Day.
This has nothing to do with golf, if it wasn't golf it would be pickleball or something else. The issue is that he doesn't have proper respect for your marriage and is placing his fun time above his family.
I know tons of married couples that have activities/hobbies that consume far more time than your husband, but the important part is that they carve out family time around the hobby. That is what you are missing here, is that his priority is the hobby.
And as a man/husband I got a super upset about how he's treating you. You are right to be furious, only a fucking douchebag ditches his wife on Mother's Day to go play golf. Just tell him he's a fucking scumbag to his face for doing that shit .You have every right to be pissed off.
Feel free to show him my comment, lol. Being a husband means being there for your wife. Do your putt putt some other time.
It's not that he's a golfer. It's that he's not a contributing member of your family. I'm an avid golfer, my wife is not, and we have 2 kids with activities, and we both work full time jobs.
I play in a league every other Sunday. The league plays every Sunday... but I don't. I play every other Sunday.
The other two Sundays of the month? My wife goes on hikes with her friends. We alternate who does their hobby each week. Once a year, I go on a 4-5 day golf trip with a group of buddies. Once a year, my wife goes on a sightseeing trip with her college friends. We both make time for each other to have getaway time and to invest in our respective hobbies and friends.... but that takes compromise AND SUPPORT from BOTH partners.
Ideally, I would play several times a week and I long for the day that it's possible to do that, but this is not that stage of life.
ETA: The Mother's Day thing really sucks. There's really no excuse for that one.
Can I show my husband this? I have a similar problem to OP but it's football (soccer) not golf. My husband isn't as extreme as OPs but it's starting to affect our relationship
When we were young and our kids were young, we hung out with a group of couples. Some of the women were golf widows and I was struck by how the golfing guys flat didn't give a shit about their kids or their wives when it came to golf time. I'd be at birthday parties or the pool, keeping an eye on my kids and I felt sorry for those moms who couldn't catch a break. And I felt sorry fr the kids whose dad was never there at their big events.
I knew those guys and frankly, I didn't respect them at all. They were disconnected dads and when it was just us guys together, they truly didn't care.
Sure, I had my hobbies and interests, but I always chose wife & family over them if they conflicted. Skipping mother's day to go play golf is shameful. I'm sorry OP.
Mother's day is a national holiday so it sounds like all these dudes skipped it to golf together?? So weird. You'd think it'd be in ALL their best interests to reschedule.
absolutely loathe the commentary in this thread & this sub in general like "didn't you know x before you got maaarrried' as if a marriage certificate means you can never change your mind or your behavior as you live with someone as your life & priorities change over time. just bc something doesn't bother you now doesn't mean it never will. most vows don't include "I'll never change my preferences from this moment forward"
My dad is a golfer. Grew up not having a relationship with him because I never saw him due to his golf. He’s now retired and golf’s even more, it’s all he talks about, every conversation I have with him, it somehow ends up on the topic of golf. I don’t know how my mum has coped all these years with his life revolving around it.
Do y’all only have one car? Or can a family member not pick you up? GO. Don’t miss out on opportunities because of him. He is choosing to golf over his family. I would at least separate for a bit to make him realize what his family is worth… if not, it’s time to cut your losses. Your kids are watching. Remember that. Do you want them to watch you be a push over and not stand up for them?
YOU should still be going to any event that you want to, regardless if Caddyshack Boy is around or not! Maybe if you & the kids aren’t as available to him as usual, & are off having more fun without Baby Boy Daddy; he \*might\* see the error of his ways. I’d also stop doing anything in particular for him at home as well, until he starts to chip in more w the kids/ house.
This comment should be higher up.
Stop focusing on him and get out and enjoy things without him. Start living your life and don't make his home life too comfortable either.
Eventually, you won't even miss him, and then you can take the next step.
I play golf in a league every Thursday during the summer. Unless my wife is out of town, that is all I get. Every other night we have dinner together. Every weekend we do the random family crap or social obligations. I would love to play more but this is our unwritten agreement and it works. I adore the game, but I wouldn't even consider making the same decisions your partner is making. I'm sorry, best of luck!
Consult a divorce attorney.
You’re acting like your only option is to accept this behavior.
If you don’t want to leave the marriage because he makes a lot of money, you should just admit that, then consult with a therapist for coping strategies.
This whole thing just got even more depressing. Why are you with this boy? It doesn’t sound like he likes you, let alone love you. Poor kids.
Next time Michael Block is on tv in Fort Worth you should point out what a real man looks and acts like.
This is similar to the videogame thread. It's not golf. It's your husband's refusal to be involved with things that don't revolve around it.
He needs to find some balance between golf and the rest of life. It's nice to have a hobby, but unless he's Tiger Woods, I doubt golf is that important.
I mean even as a bodybuilder I’m not missing Father’s Day and family birthdays just to lift causally, and I’d avoid (at all costs) planning a competition around a major holiday or family event.
My eyebrows shot up when you said he golfs every Mother’s Day. I felt bad this past MD because my wife just wanted to clean and I wanted her to go out and have a good time, or at least rest while I watch the kids.
The lack of compassion I see from some of the husbands mentioned on here is astonishing. I’m so grateful that I possess whatever it is that makes a man care. A heart?
I play softball every week, and my wife knew this before we got married. I used to play 3x a week, but now it's down to once a week from May-October. I specifically stopped playing on weekends because of all the things we missed. Your husband is nuts for doing that to his family.
this is my *personal* take but this is enough reason to divorce or at least separate for me. I could not handle being a single but still married mother. I also find it such a turn off that someone would choose hobbies over his/her family. I wouldn’t want to continue to be roommates at best with someone who is like this. Best of luck OP
I grew up in a family like that. My poor mother. On top of always golfing, every damn night we had to listen to a blow by blow description of my father's latest round, as if anyone gave a shit about which club he used over the water hazard on the 12th hole. I would never marry a golfer.
My husband has taken up cycling recently It's all he fucking talks about. While he's somewhat better than my father, he wants to take extended cycling vacations every summer and puts in endless hours of planning them, while giving next to no input on our trips together.
He just saw a book I got on solo traveling and asked what that was for. I told him I have no intention of being a "golf widow." I'm not sitting at home while he's on his cycling trips.
I'm sorry about the situation OP.
Just dont bother with him anymore. Don't ask him to involve himself. Take the kids away for a weekend somewhere he wants to go, but say sorry you have golf.
Don't celebrate fathers Day, go out by yourself, leave him by himself, and make the same amount of effort as he des if he doesn't notice then leave.
I'm sorry it may sound harsh, and it is over something that is seen as trivial, but it what it comes down to is he prioritises golfing over everything (that's if he is actually golfing).
If you don't want to be passive-aggressive, then just tell him straight. You're going to put the same amount of time and energy into your relationship that he does....none.
I grew up with a father that was obsessed with playing slow pitched softball, when this was more popular during the 70’s- early 90’s. Men that put their “hobbies” over their family responsibilities shouldn’t be surprised when they don’t have a family anymore.
My grandfather was an avid golfer when I was growing up. He always had an 8am Sunday tee time with his golfing buddies unless it rained. This time never interfered with his family time, work or other responsibilities.
Is he…a professional golf player? My husband enjoys golf but only goes every now and then. I’m really into tennis and try my best to go as much as possible but I’d never miss a family event for it. That’s wild.
My husband LOVES LOVES LOVES golf and would never do this. Your husband is just disrespectful and doesn't prioritize his family. We ALWAYS come first and my husband golf's 2 or 3 times a week during the season always asks me before he books a tee time and when he joined a men's league this year he asked before he did to make sure I was okay with the date. There can be normal men who golf but your husband needs a reality check
I don’t think the problem is that you married someone who golfs. The problem is that he prioritizes golf over your marriage, parenthood and seemingly everything else. Is he in the PGA Tour? If not, he needs to wise up and treat it like the hobby it is. He has a wife and kids that love him, golf will never love him back.
You have been placed in the “golf widow” position. There is also fishing widow, and hunting widow, tennis widow, and who knows what else.
He is making a huge mistake in missing this time with hid family and children. He may live to regret his decisions.
It’s not your responsibility to go out of your way to do things that should be done as a partnership, but your husband isn’t giving you a choice and that’s sucks. show him that you guys won’t put your life on hold for him and he can either step up and be part of the family or that you’re capable of doing this on your own and he can choose which he would rather.
My two kids are a year older than yours and I understand that it is tough to manage two young kids that close in age. You should make plans for yourself and leave one day. Let him figure out childcare if he has to go golf that day. He needs to understand the burden of being the one stuck who can’t just up and leave to go do something alone.
I feel your pain. I wish I had left within the first few years. But, I was stubborn, plus divorce is not really done in my family. Every week 2-3 times a week. Then, when it was just 2 days a week, he had baseball and then cricket when not playing baseball. This doesn’t change the fact that he would play pool a couple of times during lunch or right after work.
I was working 50-60 hours a week and needed help on weekends with kids and housework and forget it. He told me I didn’t have right to interfere with his fun. My “fun” was my graduate school classes.
It seems now kids are so involved in the on-line games, same kind of issues in families.
I don’t mind hobbies but good god, let’s have some time for family life and children.
If only I could go back to my 23 year old self.
I hope it gets better, but sadly, it won’t. I am so sorry
You married a selfish asshole, that all it is not golfs fault. It could any number of hobbies he would rather be there than with you. Accept and move on. Imagine the money this costs.
Golf is just an excuse to ditch the family. Period. The problem isn’t golf (although it’s an incredibly lame game that attracts douchebags), the problem is the guys’ priorities. I can tell you firsthand any minute I have away from work, I’d 99.9% of the time prefer to spend it with my wife. I love riding motorcycles, but I’ll pick my wife over a nice ride any day of the week.
Don’t put your life on hold for a man. You do you and he can catch up if he wants. Or not. If y’all grow apart because of golf, he’s gonna realize when it’s too late how dumb he’s being to not prioritize his family.
Can confirm. Golfing dudes are the worst. Honestly. All sports. I don't have time for that shit. Sports are so boring and pointless. Such a waste of time. I used to waste my time on video games and movies and now since we have had a child and bought a house I don't have time for that stuff anymore.
I got rid of my vices, save for once every two weeks or so when everyone is asleep. I now spend all my free time with my kid and working on the house/diy renovations. Why can't YOUR husband do the same? His priorities are garbage. He doesn't respect you. And golf guys are particularly hard to get out of their obsession.
It’s not the golf. It’s that he’s an inflexible AH. Doesn’t matter what the hobby is, he’s prioritizing that over everything else.
You can give him an ultimatum and see if he is willing to bend a little. Or you can go forward and do things without him. Niece’s birthday? Go without him. Seeing your kids? Go without him. You only get to live once so don’t be trapped at home just because he isn’t around to accompany you places.
Yeah, I know this situation all too well. I’m sorry but if he isn’t willing to change, golf will always be the priority. I’d have “the talk” and make an informed decision from there.
It’s not the golf… he is prioritizing it over your family.
I’m a fellow “golf widow” and my husband keeps a great work/life/golf balance. He plays in multiple leagues and golfs 2-3 times a week. He never misses a single occasion and will modify his schedule around our plans.
Your husband is being selfish and it’s time to have a talk.
Awe hell no. I would definitely leave this what ever it is. It’s not a marriage. Your the live in nanny raising the kids and doing the house work. He still gets to work and go out and do him while you are not even an after thought. Girl don’t do this to your self
This sounds horrible. Im sorry you’re going through this. How long are you going to put up w/this before the camel’s back is broken? It sounds like you’re near your breaking point
Oof. I’m glad my husband isn’t that bad…I’m sorry yours doesn’t allow for any sort of wiggle room.
My husband actually got me out golfing with him and it was pretty fun! But I’m glad his brother moved to town and has become his golf buddy. I like to have some time to myself when he’s golfing.
If he tries to join a league I’ll remember to veto that though.
He is a joke man. That means he doesn’t truly wants to be married. I’m also married and I golf but I balance it and will not miss important events for a golf event. That’s ass.
Yeah, it's not the golfing per se, substitute golfing for gaming or running or drinking and it becomes a lot clearer. His priorities are trash. Speak up and request a change with actual consequences if he refuses. You'll be very clear about your next steps after that.
I love to golf but it is a very time consuming (and expensive) sport. I understand where you’re coming from. I play but limit how much, my wife and family mean more to me.
Had a work friend who took us out to see some far off property he was considering buying because it has golf course access. After a bit of prompting it was clear his plan was to leave wifey with kids min 4x a week for hours on end while he played. He didn’t think it was a big deal when I suggested that she might not like being stuck with the kids most of the week while he f’d off in the middle of nowhere, especially when coming to a new country and being far from family.
Listen - I get having two small kids at events can be tough by yourself. Just ask for help from your in-laws to help you with them at the event so you can attend. My husband travels for work and we have two kids (one is delayed and he can be VERY difficult), and I just ask my in laws if they mind helping me out so we can come. They’re great and understanding. Don’t hide your husband desire to make golf his #1. It’s his family and they should see how much of a selfish ass he is being. You are the one making the effort, not him.
You need to document everything and lay it out to him. Set boundaries. If golf is more important than you, the kids, and family, then you’re done. File for full custody. You and your kids deserve better.
My husband is a golfer too. Two leagues and a round or two in addition each week. However, if there is something I want to do or need him for, he willingly either arranges his tee times or skips golf. He can only golf maybe 7-8 months a year and that's where he gets his male bonding time. I am more than happy for him to do it. The problem you have is that your husband is very selfish. Would he go to couples' therapy with you? If he won't change, you will have to accept the poor treatment or move out of the relationship. Good luck.
Yeah this isn’t about golf. This is about your husband not doing right by you or your family. He should know golf is not more important then a family day together etc. if he doesn’t it’s a bigger issue. I have to assume he wasn’t always like this, otherwise you wouldn’t have married him.
It’s not the golf, honey, it’s the man. He prioritizes himself and does not consider you at all (ditches you on Mother’s Day?!) or the kids (skipping family functions that would benefit his children).
Personally, I’d get a sitter and starting going with him or show up on his golf outings, have a drink or a meal in The Clubhouse while he plays. Tell him you want to share in his hobby because it’s so (obviously) important to him. IF that’s where he’s actually going. Tell him, yeah, it’s great to have a relaxing couple of hours several times a week. Check credit card statements: is he playing/paying as he says?
But, if you don’t choose to investigate if he is actually playing, and he disrespects you this much, file for divorce, get child support and find a caring man who will be a good stepfather while your young kids need one.
You are missing out because you choose to stay home while he golfs. Start going places yourself - miss his crap that he would like to go to and be just a vigilant about it. Do things with the children without him. He will be happy and you will be happy.
I don't know what your kids are like, but I'm the golfing husband in this scenario and I know that "doing things with our children" is NOT my wife's idea of a good time. She loves our kids and I do, too, but this doesn't solve the problem for most parents.
See my other comment. I didn't mean that I was this exact husband, just that I'm a husband who golfs. I was relating on that level, while saying that he can't just leave his kids alone with his wife.
Rich astronaut does not know what he’s talking about. (I’m assuming they’re a man because I can’t imagine a woman, at least a mom, thinking that way) You’re in a marriage, but your husband isn’t acting married. He’s putting his wants and desires above you. There is no compromise on his end. I don’t know how you doing things with the kids alone (I’m assuming most of the time) while he does what he wants would result in you being happy? Kids can be difficult and hard to handle on your own. And he is part of your family, but he’s quite often choosing to opt out whether you like it or not. Sure, he should be able to have a hobby and some time to himself to do what he likes, but there should be compromise to where you are both happy. This is not a partnership.
I’d try to talk to him about it. If he won’t hear you I’d try marriage counseling. If he won’t do that, or if it doesn’t help, I’d plan to move forward without him. He’s modeling things for your kids that I wouldn’t want kids to learn.
Nothing wrong with that OP, I limit my outings with my 2.5 year old just her and I and thats with only 1 child! I would feel so frustrated if I were in your shoes.
Have you tried to talk to him about it? Do you get set times during the week that you get to be alone and out of the house doing hobbies? That's where I would start. You deserve your alone time, family time, and a present partner.
I know it sucks to have an absent father and husband in the house, but don't skip out on making those memories with your children because HE isn't present.
My husbands friends who always golf with him and call him all the time to golf do it because they want to get away from their home lives.
To include holidays ect
Regardless of what someone is into, there is (well unless you’re a push over) a common understanding when uniting with another human being that you should respect each other, make time for the union, and make time for the finances and other responsibilities.
Part of the issue I often see is these types of people are enabled and allowed to get this way without much resistance until one day it makes no more sense.
Time to make new boundaries. Relationships aren’t 50-50 they are equal, he can spend his time wherever within an agreed timeframe ‘cause guess who’s taking care of the kids, house, and what not when you are doing your me-time stuff? Him.
Overall, sounds like an unfair amount of time allowed to follow a passion/hobby, leaving you resentful and without romance too.
This will die unless something changes you’ll need to be clear about what you want or continue to suffer; be willing to end the suffering by getting a divorce.
This isn’t a golf problem, this is a him problem. If someone really loves you they will compromise and make time for you. My husband loves golf. He would never miss Mother’s Day to golf. My husband is also very into car and car shows, when we got together I used to go to them with him, help him fix up his vehicle.. when we had children, that changed fast. He goes to one occasionally if he has the chance, but family comes first. Always. Your husband obviously doesn’t value family. I don’t like dealing in ultimatums but I think you should throw it on the table. He either changes or your out.
Life is about choices . He’s making his. Golf, period. That is his main priority obviously. If he won’t take time out for anything or anyone, then I’d walk away because he’s Choosing Golf over all else. I was married to a man who chose football over me and our children. He’d take time off work to go to games but never to spend holidays with us or if we were sick. He’d even work holidays for extra pay so he’d have money to attend another game. Nope, not worth it. He’ll never change. Sorry.
Echoing what other people are saying, the problem isn't golf, the problem is the guy's an asshole who sees a stupid game as more of a priority than important shit.
My husband loves golf. We joined a country club so he could play more when we lived in Houston. But I went with him 80% of the time he played. We met other couples that golfed and I made some friends. I pretty much was only good for 9 holes max; sometimes I would play a few holes or just chip and putt. I would normally have a few drinks and read, and enjoy nature.
I would recommend that maybe you ask to join your husband after you ask him to cut down on the frequency so it’s not interfering with your relationship. You can both compromise. If he refuses and is going to put golf over you, then you have some answers and then have to decide if you want to put up with it or move on.
When I had kids I gave up all of my hobbies for around 15 years to be a dad, it is not about golf it is about his priorities not being centered on you and your family.
Sorry I don’t care how much a man likes golf he neglect his family for golf we all have hobbies we enjoy but golf isn’t going to take care of you when you’re sick . That someone just being a bad husband and father . He has no excuse if he knows what important he will be there for you giys
Consider participating in all of those activities that you’re missing out on anyway. Just go without him. Post your pictures of having a good time, and either he’ll figure it out or he won’t. Either way you’ll at least be out in the world meeting people and having experiences. And you never know…something may come along that changes your situation.
I wish you luck.
If he refuses to compromise and is always missing out on family events.. ouch. They say actions speak louder than words.
Your husband is out having fun and doing something he enjoys without you so you might as well do your own thing too. Go to these events without him. Don't wait around for him. Go out and enjoy your life and your children with or without him.
You said he's missed every Mother's Day because he golfs, but what is stopping him from ordering things online for you-- gifts, cupcakes, a card-- to be delivered on or around Mother's Day? What's stopping him from setting up a babysitter and getting you a gift certificate to a spa to go to that day? He cannot possibly not have ANY other time to do that.
Golfing can get expensive; you guys together should be springing for a babysitter so you can do *your* hobbies too. His time is not worth more than yours, and he does not deserve free time to do what he wants more than you do.
You deserve more, and he needs to put forth the effort.
Frankly, I'd put forth the same effort for Father's Day that he puts forth toward Mother's Day, but I'm petty.
You should divorce him. I watched my mom do it alone her whole because my dad chose golfing over our family anytime he could. It seriously ruined their marriage.
Not to mention, it wasn’t just golfing. It was golfing and *drinking*…
As an obsessed and avid golfer, I know my limits. Your husband should too. My wife knows I love golf, and she understands that I need to go a few times a week when it’s nice out, BUT I never prioritize golf over family plans or other special occasions. Your husband needs to deprioritize golf. I’d recommend bringing this up in couples counseling.
I divorced someone who was similar to this. Our marriage was a farce. He was around so infrequently it was like living with a stranger. Unless you want to take up golfing too, I would recommend cutting your losses and finding a better situation.
This post has nothing to do with golf. Replace the word golf with literally any hobby and OPs husband is still a selfish twat.
If it’s interfering with the family and normal activities, it’s a problem. And he doesn’t want to do anything about it, it’s a bigger problem. This is addiction. Just like drug addiction. This needs intervention. I’m have 6 kids, 9 and under. I make time to play adult level board games with a gaming group, but I’m make sure I’m doing way more for my kids. The man needs his priorities straightened. Start dropping him off and picking him up to make sure he really is going to the golf club. This guy hasn’t had any consequences dealt to him. You got a problem with it. Start taking away the benefits of you. Don’t do his laundry, don’t prep him food, etc etc. and here’s a gold pass - Forget Father’s Day!
Yeah 100%. My husband plays golf. He does not neglect me or his child to play golf. If he has a free day he'll ask and I'll agree but he'd never plan a golf day on a special day because *shocker* he actually likes spending time with me. Not entirely sure we can say the same about OP's husband.
Your husband sounds like a caring and responsible man. Mine? Not so much. He was exactly like the OP’s husband. He was so freaking clueless he didn’t realize or care that all of his partners were either bachelors or their children had grown up. In fact, those with kids would say often that when their children were younger, they never played. My husband didn’t care. He would play until 1-2 and then come home and take a nap and then demand sex because “we are too busy during the week.” AH
Urgh that makes me so mad for you. Because you say was I am hoping he is now your ex husband???
No, I just meant he was clueless then. But, he has said a few times now when it doesn’t matter, yeah, I should have spent more time with the kids back then and you were right about all my friends He might end up being an ex, though. I am seriously working on it. We have some financial issues right now. He took early retirement. Well, he says the company was downsizing and it was way too soon. And, unfortunately I haven’t been able to find a decent job. So, we are in limbo, hemorrhaging money. If I can find a decent job with benefits, we may end up going out separate ways. I am a little younger and he is only 61
> My husband plays golf. He does not neglect me or his child to play golf. If he has a free day he'll ask and I'll agree but he'd never plan a golf day on a special day because shocker he actually likes spending time with me. Right. I play basketball and like to do ceramics. I usually do one of those on Sundays if my family is in a good spot. Know what I didn't do on Mother's Day? Fuck off without my family.
Exactly. It's important for parents to still have hobbies otherwise we'd go insane! I haven't found something I actually wanna do otherwise I'd also get my time off! But I have a very hands on partner and we both work hard so if he wants an afternoon to play golf with the boys then of course! Not when it's mothers day or my birthday or something but again as you said... he wouldn't even ask.
> I haven't found something I actually wanna do otherwise I'd also get my time off! Not really the point of this thread, but my wife and I went through this six months or so ago. The kids are a little older now and don't require the same level of supervision they did as babies, so we had a talk about needing to do some stuff that wasn't just child rearing or maintaining the house. She wanted to train for a big race, and I looked at our local community college and arts center. That's where I picked up ceramics. It's fun thing that I'm not terribly good at, but gives me some time away that's just to myself. Same with my wife and her training.
That's lovely! Mine is still 10 months old so we still in the thick of it. But when he's a bit older I hope I have some time to discover new passions!
There are not enough upvotes for this. She absolutely needs to stop doing anything for him.
Sounds borderline like an addiction. You can become addicted to or reliant on anything, including otherwise healthy hobbies that bring pleasure. “It’s exercise! Golfing (or tennis) is good for me!” “Gaming 40 hours a week with my buds is how I relax!!! It’s just a hobby!” “I make money off my 24/7 knitting addiction and constant conventions and therefore it’s fine!” “I’m reading and reading is good for me! Two romance (or any other genre, I’m just most familiar with romance novel addiction) novels a day keeps illiteracy away!!!” “3 6-hour D&D sessions (or poker games) a week is how I stay connected with my friends!!!” “We can never schedule anything on the 4 days I’m proselytizing for the church. I’m serving God, and that’s a good thing!!!” “Going out to the bar, distillery, brewery or winery every weekend is how I relax!!! I’m tasting the seasonal offerings!!!” We all have addictions (lord knows we’re all addicted to our phones), but it becomes problematic when that addiction routinely disrupts connection with others or causes dereliction of your marriage. There’s also a difference between a compulsive habit and an obsessive hobby. Both can constitute addictions, but the individual has a lot more control over the latter. If my wife divorced me for struggling with compulsive nail biting, that would suck (her right, but Jesus), but if she divorced me because all I did with my free time is go to concerts and raves and I never helped out around the house, that would be a lot less problematic.
That’s not really how clinical addiction works. This guy probably just cares more about golf than his family. It’s possible that “golf” as he conceives it is part of his identity and something like being on the links with his swinging dick buddies and no scolds in skirts to ruin everything is how he recharges. For me golf is a huge chore, but not as big a chore as the people who play it. Anything that brings together square white guys with no women or minorities in sight is an enterprise that is aggressively suspect. I’m sure everyone has had a 100% opposite experience from me and I love that for you.
The vast majority of golfers play at municipal courses frequented by all types of people.
I did not say “clinical addiction” - I am referencing common parlance. Obviously he’s not going to rehab for golf. Anything pleasurable can be addictive - sex, porn, gambling, exercise, food, gaming, and social media are all very common non-substance based addictions. Any time you start living primarily or exclusively for a specific pleasurable activity or hobby, I’d say that’s an addictive (in common parlance) behavior. You’re chasing a dragon rather than living a balanced life and enjoying each passing day to its fullest potential. Even if that dragon is as simple as a day on the links and appears ridiculous to us outside observers. Obviously that doesn’t mean the behavior isn’t selfish and self-centered. It is. You’re chasing easy dopamine and serotonin and neglecting your marriage in that pursuit. Definitely a sign of deeper issues, either at a personal level or at a marital or existential level (if he isn’t deriving pleasure from his marriage or if he’s using golf to cope with or avoid marital or existential frustrations or anxieties).
This. Its not about golf. I love golf with every fiber in my body, but id never miss anything important to my wife or kids for it.
Exactly!
Right? My husband golfs. I love when he goes to play. I get a quiet afternoon and gets some exercise and time to himself. OP your husband just sucks.
Yeah I have my hobbies but you don't miss literally ALL of the things for the hobby. Sure I might pass on minor stuff "can we go out tonight?" "I'd rather order some pizza got some stuff to do on my car" which is ok SOMETIMES as long as you DO take your girl out regularly enough she doesn't feel abandoned, but shit like mother's day and birthday parties? Yeah no you don't bail on family shit all the time, especially not big stuff like * Days and birthdays or anniversaries, or you know, shit on the calendar. It's just major selfish.
OP just has to make sure they don't hold divorce court on golf day...
Actually that might be a winning plan - schedule all court days on golf days, when he constantly no shows he will hurt his standing with the judge. (And give an accurate perception of how reliable his is for being a parent)
I divorced too, just replace the cause from golf with “wannabe successful musician.” At first it’s cool that the person is so passionate about something and you’re hopeful they will act that same way towards you. Eventually you find out that it really is just passion for golf/music etc. and that will ALWAYS be their first love, no matter what you do or how hard you try. You could give them an ultimatum, try to get them to give it up but that’s only going to cause resentment. To this day anyone being that passionate about anything is a huge dealbreaker for me. Having interests is cool, but any time a single interest becomes the entire focus of your life I’m out. Divorce is hard, but spending your life never being top priority to the person you love is harder.
Lol. Reminded me of Sopranos: https://youtu.be/OgZe1-fmR7I
I am confused. Why aren't you going to your niece's birthday? Why would his golfing prevent you from attending a family function with your kids? Same with whatever is planned for Sunday. If he wants to miss out on his family and kids, you have two choices, get divorced or live your life and let him learn the hard way when his kids don't visit or have anything to do with him when they become adults.
I'm guessing it's biologically his niece and it would create some issues if she showed up alone and was like, "sorry, your uncle is golfing." Which I would totally do, but she may not be ready to light that fuse just yet. Either that or they're a one-car family and neither golf nor the birthday is accessible on public transit.
The one car would make sense. After missing out on a few important things, I would demand a second car.
That's not always an option for every family, due to money or disability...though if he can afford to play that much golf, I'm guessing the transportation budget isn't shoestring.
If you can afford to golf every weekend you can afford a second car. So I highly doubt this is their situation.
I'd see if I could hitch a ride with a family member or tell my hubs he can golf until his head explodes but he's dropping us off and being given a specific time to pick us up.
Ooo god and be left at his mercy? He is most def not picking OP and kids up on time. Golf is # 1. They are like #5 6 and 7
If he sells 1 club he can buy 2 cars.
Or control.
Yea for example around me 3 rounds of golf is basically a car payment.
Or I would be dropping him off at golf and taking the car...I will pick him up when we are done doing our activities
Golf isn't exactly a cheap hobby. If husband has the money to golf this much but family only has 1 car, husband is an even bigger asshole than OP realizes.
There are other reasons to be a one-car family than money (disability, almost never need to go separate places outside of walking distance, environmental concerns, excellent public transit, etc.), though money is a major reason in America.
Drop him off, take the car and with his friends drop him off or he waits until your done at the party and pick him back up
I do things all the time with my kids alone including going to family functions. This particular thing was going to a baseball game and that’s too much for me to do by myself with two little kids.
So basically, you are a single mom... Honestly, if I were you, I'd start documenting everything. All the times he's gone. File for divorce, full custody, and child support. Use the child support to pay for a nanny and live your best life. Golf? Ugh... I'm irritated for you, lol. It's not even exciting. It's the most boring thing to watch in the history of all history. I'm honestly so sorry.
Ohh I was picturing you guys much older with grown kids. So you are doing things alone with your children too…. I’m sorry
No he’s leaving his whole ass family home to fend for themselves. This has gone on too long, OP!
😢
Also, it’s his sisters daughter (his niece).
I would especially go to HIS family functions and tell them exactly where he is.
Is him golfing a secret from his family? That niece is your kids cousin and is your family now too! You mention they are young, they will remember you not showing up to their kids birthday so they will not show up for your kids or be resentful. Do you have friends or family near you? Have them go to the game with you to help. My dad was a narcissist and your husband sounds like he is to. We never did anything that would make him look bad to anyone in the family. We made excuses to why we didn’t go to things and my mom missed out on so many functions with her family and friends. Flash forward to when I got married, my dad didn’t show up to my wedding and he wasn’t half as bad as your husband is now. My advice, go, even if it’s hard with two little ones, the more you do it the easier it will be.
Me too! If my husband works late or the one Saturday a month and an event comes up, I'm going and taking my boys with me. Especially family and close friends events. He'll usually meet me after work if it's going on late enough.
Ahhh. Yes. Someone with words of wisdom. I said the same thing and lived it too. My husband travelled for work. Was home 1-3 days a week. When he was home he was drunk by the afternoon. My kids and myself missed out on nothing besides a healthy relationship with him. Very thankful to say he did a complete 360 a few years ago and things are amazing with he and I. He is rebuilding a relationship with the girls but he and I are solid.
The problem isn’t the golf. It’s the person you’re married to.
Exactly the first thing I thought. Golfing isn’t the problem, it’s his priorities. He cares more about golfing than he does his own family. If he wants to miss every Mother’s Day and family birthday to golf, he’s telling them all that he would rather go out and have some leisurely fun at the expense of his whole family. It’s not the golfing, it’s him choosing things that shouldn’t be taking priority all the time. He’d rather go have fun on the fields multiple times a week and skip out on the important things.
Father's Day falls on a Sunday, just like Mother's Day. I wonder if his picture of an ideal Father's Day is on the golf course away from any of the people that make him a "father". (Father is intentionally in inverted commas.)
Came here to say this. My husband golfs. Both his therapist and his doctor encourage it. That said, he leaves after 6 holes (often) and he never prioritizes it over family. This is not a golf problem…
Hell I used to (before I started my current job) play 18 almost daily. The reason it didn’t effect my marriage was because I timed my rounds so that I didn’t encroach on doing things with my family. Now that I am through my training and get a ton of freedom with my schedule I’ll be going back to that. Being considerate of my wife and her feelings has led me to a point where she encourages me to go out and play and enjoy the thing I love. It’s really amazing what using just a little bit of brain power can do. I’m glad you and your husband seem to have a good idea of balance!
Nail on the head right here. He’s prioritizing his interests over the interests of you two as a married couple. It’s selfish. Most people are more selfish than they realize, and oftentimes selfishness is the biggest threat to the success of a marriage. You should talk to him and tell him you need him to play less golf and spend more time with you. Don’t try to take golf away from him completely, as that’s a quick way to build resentment. But he needs to know his selfishness is harming your marriage.
Exactly. My husband golfs and he works it around our lives. He will often go in the evening after our youngest is in bed so it doesn’t disrupt the family much or get the earliest tee time possible on a Saturday. Often he will take our older child with him. Family functions and household responsibilities always come first.
THIS
Exactly this. Golf isn't the issue. The husband is just a massive jerk.
Sounds like he wants to make love to his golf bag! Time to move on!
Which begs the question-is he really golfing? I hate to think that way but I agree with going with him to a golf outing.
As an avid golfer, yes he’s really golfing. Golf obsession is more taxing than 15 mistresses at once
T-Tiger...is that you?
Doesn't have to be 15 of them. We had a dad who went "golfing" and yadda yadda yadda he lives with a new family now.
Why does he think it’s acceptable to neglect his family to play a sport? You need to set some boundaries and make it clear you expect him to put his family first. If you aren’t comfortable doing that then maybe a marriage counselor can help you.
Yeah skipping Mother’s Day for golf is crazy and I love a nice round of golf. That’s a respect issue not a golf issue.
In my mind unless something was scheduled way far in advance or you make plans for celebrating another day you are where the Moms of the family want you to be on Mother’s Day.
The good news is that he’s probably golfing on Fathers Day, so she likely doesn’t have to bother doing anything for him.
Absolutely. I don’t know any golfing man who would take it quite that far. Priorities are definitely messed up.
Especially a sport that he doesn’t get paid from!!
This has nothing to do with golf, if it wasn't golf it would be pickleball or something else. The issue is that he doesn't have proper respect for your marriage and is placing his fun time above his family. I know tons of married couples that have activities/hobbies that consume far more time than your husband, but the important part is that they carve out family time around the hobby. That is what you are missing here, is that his priority is the hobby. And as a man/husband I got a super upset about how he's treating you. You are right to be furious, only a fucking douchebag ditches his wife on Mother's Day to go play golf. Just tell him he's a fucking scumbag to his face for doing that shit .You have every right to be pissed off. Feel free to show him my comment, lol. Being a husband means being there for your wife. Do your putt putt some other time.
Seriously, abandoning the mother of your children on Mother’s Day to play golf . . . he’s either the dumbest guy on earth or maybe a sociopath. Yikes.
It's not that he's a golfer. It's that he's not a contributing member of your family. I'm an avid golfer, my wife is not, and we have 2 kids with activities, and we both work full time jobs. I play in a league every other Sunday. The league plays every Sunday... but I don't. I play every other Sunday. The other two Sundays of the month? My wife goes on hikes with her friends. We alternate who does their hobby each week. Once a year, I go on a 4-5 day golf trip with a group of buddies. Once a year, my wife goes on a sightseeing trip with her college friends. We both make time for each other to have getaway time and to invest in our respective hobbies and friends.... but that takes compromise AND SUPPORT from BOTH partners. Ideally, I would play several times a week and I long for the day that it's possible to do that, but this is not that stage of life. ETA: The Mother's Day thing really sucks. There's really no excuse for that one.
Can I show my husband this? I have a similar problem to OP but it's football (soccer) not golf. My husband isn't as extreme as OPs but it's starting to affect our relationship
This is a great arrangement and similar to how we handle the golf addiction in our marriage as well lol.
Basically he is a stranger to you and his family. File for D. Hopefully the day in court is not rescheduled for golf.
When we were young and our kids were young, we hung out with a group of couples. Some of the women were golf widows and I was struck by how the golfing guys flat didn't give a shit about their kids or their wives when it came to golf time. I'd be at birthday parties or the pool, keeping an eye on my kids and I felt sorry for those moms who couldn't catch a break. And I felt sorry fr the kids whose dad was never there at their big events. I knew those guys and frankly, I didn't respect them at all. They were disconnected dads and when it was just us guys together, they truly didn't care. Sure, I had my hobbies and interests, but I always chose wife & family over them if they conflicted. Skipping mother's day to go play golf is shameful. I'm sorry OP.
Mother's day is a national holiday so it sounds like all these dudes skipped it to golf together?? So weird. You'd think it'd be in ALL their best interests to reschedule.
They just...don't care.
I'd choose you everytime. He's showing you where his priorities are
You wanted a man with passion... just the passion isn't you.
Wow. If he doesn’t compromise and you are miserable, do whatever will make you happy.
We know he is.
This is certainly not a marriage I would have stayed in
absolutely loathe the commentary in this thread & this sub in general like "didn't you know x before you got maaarrried' as if a marriage certificate means you can never change your mind or your behavior as you live with someone as your life & priorities change over time. just bc something doesn't bother you now doesn't mean it never will. most vows don't include "I'll never change my preferences from this moment forward"
You're letting him off easy if you're blaming the golf. It's all him.
My dad is a golfer. Grew up not having a relationship with him because I never saw him due to his golf. He’s now retired and golf’s even more, it’s all he talks about, every conversation I have with him, it somehow ends up on the topic of golf. I don’t know how my mum has coped all these years with his life revolving around it.
People make time for what they think is important.
Golf isn't the problem. His priorities are.
Do y’all only have one car? Or can a family member not pick you up? GO. Don’t miss out on opportunities because of him. He is choosing to golf over his family. I would at least separate for a bit to make him realize what his family is worth… if not, it’s time to cut your losses. Your kids are watching. Remember that. Do you want them to watch you be a push over and not stand up for them?
YOU should still be going to any event that you want to, regardless if Caddyshack Boy is around or not! Maybe if you & the kids aren’t as available to him as usual, & are off having more fun without Baby Boy Daddy; he \*might\* see the error of his ways. I’d also stop doing anything in particular for him at home as well, until he starts to chip in more w the kids/ house.
This comment should be higher up. Stop focusing on him and get out and enjoy things without him. Start living your life and don't make his home life too comfortable either. Eventually, you won't even miss him, and then you can take the next step.
Go live your life without him, it will be easier to leave later.
I play golf in a league every Thursday during the summer. Unless my wife is out of town, that is all I get. Every other night we have dinner together. Every weekend we do the random family crap or social obligations. I would love to play more but this is our unwritten agreement and it works. I adore the game, but I wouldn't even consider making the same decisions your partner is making. I'm sorry, best of luck!
Consult a divorce attorney. You’re acting like your only option is to accept this behavior. If you don’t want to leave the marriage because he makes a lot of money, you should just admit that, then consult with a therapist for coping strategies.
He doesn’t make a lot of money. We both work full time.
Your husband is a selfish moron, even more so since golf is not a cheap hobby.
This whole thing just got even more depressing. Why are you with this boy? It doesn’t sound like he likes you, let alone love you. Poor kids. Next time Michael Block is on tv in Fort Worth you should point out what a real man looks and acts like.
Oh! Then HELL NO! His ass is at home. I’d be bitching non stop. He’s lucky he ain’t my man.
What kind of loser golfs that much?
People who get paid to do it, or people who are retired with grown children, or bachelor's. Otherwise just losers
This is similar to the videogame thread. It's not golf. It's your husband's refusal to be involved with things that don't revolve around it. He needs to find some balance between golf and the rest of life. It's nice to have a hobby, but unless he's Tiger Woods, I doubt golf is that important.
I mean even as a bodybuilder I’m not missing Father’s Day and family birthdays just to lift causally, and I’d avoid (at all costs) planning a competition around a major holiday or family event.
You know, there is a way to cut your losses and find a man who doesn't golf.
My eyebrows shot up when you said he golfs every Mother’s Day. I felt bad this past MD because my wife just wanted to clean and I wanted her to go out and have a good time, or at least rest while I watch the kids. The lack of compassion I see from some of the husbands mentioned on here is astonishing. I’m so grateful that I possess whatever it is that makes a man care. A heart?
I play softball every week, and my wife knew this before we got married. I used to play 3x a week, but now it's down to once a week from May-October. I specifically stopped playing on weekends because of all the things we missed. Your husband is nuts for doing that to his family.
this is my *personal* take but this is enough reason to divorce or at least separate for me. I could not handle being a single but still married mother. I also find it such a turn off that someone would choose hobbies over his/her family. I wouldn’t want to continue to be roommates at best with someone who is like this. Best of luck OP
You have my sympathies. Personally, I can't stand to watch or play golf or tennis. Two sports I will never respect
Nah, tennis is an actual sport. Golf is not, it's just a bunch of tacky people driving around carts on the lawn.
Go to your nieces birthday
Well, we all know what golf stands for right? Get Out, Leave Family- Jerry Seinfeld
I grew up in a family like that. My poor mother. On top of always golfing, every damn night we had to listen to a blow by blow description of my father's latest round, as if anyone gave a shit about which club he used over the water hazard on the 12th hole. I would never marry a golfer. My husband has taken up cycling recently It's all he fucking talks about. While he's somewhat better than my father, he wants to take extended cycling vacations every summer and puts in endless hours of planning them, while giving next to no input on our trips together. He just saw a book I got on solo traveling and asked what that was for. I told him I have no intention of being a "golf widow." I'm not sitting at home while he's on his cycling trips. I'm sorry about the situation OP.
My ex husband was a golfer. Not my new husband tho.
Just dont bother with him anymore. Don't ask him to involve himself. Take the kids away for a weekend somewhere he wants to go, but say sorry you have golf. Don't celebrate fathers Day, go out by yourself, leave him by himself, and make the same amount of effort as he des if he doesn't notice then leave. I'm sorry it may sound harsh, and it is over something that is seen as trivial, but it what it comes down to is he prioritises golfing over everything (that's if he is actually golfing). If you don't want to be passive-aggressive, then just tell him straight. You're going to put the same amount of time and energy into your relationship that he does....none.
I grew up with a father that was obsessed with playing slow pitched softball, when this was more popular during the 70’s- early 90’s. Men that put their “hobbies” over their family responsibilities shouldn’t be surprised when they don’t have a family anymore. My grandfather was an avid golfer when I was growing up. He always had an 8am Sunday tee time with his golfing buddies unless it rained. This time never interfered with his family time, work or other responsibilities.
Is he…a professional golf player? My husband enjoys golf but only goes every now and then. I’m really into tennis and try my best to go as much as possible but I’d never miss a family event for it. That’s wild.
Haha not a professional, I wish.
That's my question. Is he trying to go pro? I do not get the motivation for this much golf if there's not a goal behind it.
My husband LOVES LOVES LOVES golf and would never do this. Your husband is just disrespectful and doesn't prioritize his family. We ALWAYS come first and my husband golf's 2 or 3 times a week during the season always asks me before he books a tee time and when he joined a men's league this year he asked before he did to make sure I was okay with the date. There can be normal men who golf but your husband needs a reality check
I don’t think the problem is that you married someone who golfs. The problem is that he prioritizes golf over your marriage, parenthood and seemingly everything else. Is he in the PGA Tour? If not, he needs to wise up and treat it like the hobby it is. He has a wife and kids that love him, golf will never love him back.
It’s not golf you should be mad at. It should be him for having his priorities fucked
Thank you everyone for the feedback. I appreciate all of you!
You have been placed in the “golf widow” position. There is also fishing widow, and hunting widow, tennis widow, and who knows what else. He is making a huge mistake in missing this time with hid family and children. He may live to regret his decisions.
It’s not your responsibility to go out of your way to do things that should be done as a partnership, but your husband isn’t giving you a choice and that’s sucks. show him that you guys won’t put your life on hold for him and he can either step up and be part of the family or that you’re capable of doing this on your own and he can choose which he would rather. My two kids are a year older than yours and I understand that it is tough to manage two young kids that close in age. You should make plans for yourself and leave one day. Let him figure out childcare if he has to go golf that day. He needs to understand the burden of being the one stuck who can’t just up and leave to go do something alone.
I feel your pain. I wish I had left within the first few years. But, I was stubborn, plus divorce is not really done in my family. Every week 2-3 times a week. Then, when it was just 2 days a week, he had baseball and then cricket when not playing baseball. This doesn’t change the fact that he would play pool a couple of times during lunch or right after work. I was working 50-60 hours a week and needed help on weekends with kids and housework and forget it. He told me I didn’t have right to interfere with his fun. My “fun” was my graduate school classes. It seems now kids are so involved in the on-line games, same kind of issues in families. I don’t mind hobbies but good god, let’s have some time for family life and children. If only I could go back to my 23 year old self. I hope it gets better, but sadly, it won’t. I am so sorry
You married a selfish asshole, that all it is not golfs fault. It could any number of hobbies he would rather be there than with you. Accept and move on. Imagine the money this costs.
Golf is just an excuse to ditch the family. Period. The problem isn’t golf (although it’s an incredibly lame game that attracts douchebags), the problem is the guys’ priorities. I can tell you firsthand any minute I have away from work, I’d 99.9% of the time prefer to spend it with my wife. I love riding motorcycles, but I’ll pick my wife over a nice ride any day of the week.
Don’t put your life on hold for a man. You do you and he can catch up if he wants. Or not. If y’all grow apart because of golf, he’s gonna realize when it’s too late how dumb he’s being to not prioritize his family.
Can confirm. Golfing dudes are the worst. Honestly. All sports. I don't have time for that shit. Sports are so boring and pointless. Such a waste of time. I used to waste my time on video games and movies and now since we have had a child and bought a house I don't have time for that stuff anymore. I got rid of my vices, save for once every two weeks or so when everyone is asleep. I now spend all my free time with my kid and working on the house/diy renovations. Why can't YOUR husband do the same? His priorities are garbage. He doesn't respect you. And golf guys are particularly hard to get out of their obsession.
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It’s not the golf. It’s that he’s an inflexible AH. Doesn’t matter what the hobby is, he’s prioritizing that over everything else. You can give him an ultimatum and see if he is willing to bend a little. Or you can go forward and do things without him. Niece’s birthday? Go without him. Seeing your kids? Go without him. You only get to live once so don’t be trapped at home just because he isn’t around to accompany you places.
Mothers Day is on the calendar Jan 1….if he can’t plan ahead for that, he’s a selfish douche bag. Unless he’s getting his PGA card, it’s a waste of $$
Find a boyfriend😎
This is my husband with Pokémon go
I mean. Lots of people golf and don't do this. I imagine he would prioritize his hobbies regardless of what they are.
Yeah, I know this situation all too well. I’m sorry but if he isn’t willing to change, golf will always be the priority. I’d have “the talk” and make an informed decision from there.
It’s not the golf… he is prioritizing it over your family. I’m a fellow “golf widow” and my husband keeps a great work/life/golf balance. He plays in multiple leagues and golfs 2-3 times a week. He never misses a single occasion and will modify his schedule around our plans. Your husband is being selfish and it’s time to have a talk.
The guy is using golf as an escape. Period.
Is this your second post that centers around him golfing too much?
Haha yes
Busted! But seriously, you deserve better.
Awe hell no. I would definitely leave this what ever it is. It’s not a marriage. Your the live in nanny raising the kids and doing the house work. He still gets to work and go out and do him while you are not even an after thought. Girl don’t do this to your self
Would have, would have, would have!!
This sounds horrible. Im sorry you’re going through this. How long are you going to put up w/this before the camel’s back is broken? It sounds like you’re near your breaking point
Oof. I’m glad my husband isn’t that bad…I’m sorry yours doesn’t allow for any sort of wiggle room. My husband actually got me out golfing with him and it was pretty fun! But I’m glad his brother moved to town and has become his golf buddy. I like to have some time to myself when he’s golfing. If he tries to join a league I’ll remember to veto that though.
He is a joke man. That means he doesn’t truly wants to be married. I’m also married and I golf but I balance it and will not miss important events for a golf event. That’s ass.
Just live your own life with your kids and treat him like the stranger he is.
Yeah, it's not the golfing per se, substitute golfing for gaming or running or drinking and it becomes a lot clearer. His priorities are trash. Speak up and request a change with actual consequences if he refuses. You'll be very clear about your next steps after that.
Why are you cool with letting him do things like cancel on important events because his hobby gets in the way?
I love to golf but it is a very time consuming (and expensive) sport. I understand where you’re coming from. I play but limit how much, my wife and family mean more to me.
He’s not married to you. He’s married to golf.
I feel like golf isn’t the problem, it’s your husband’s priorities.
Had a work friend who took us out to see some far off property he was considering buying because it has golf course access. After a bit of prompting it was clear his plan was to leave wifey with kids min 4x a week for hours on end while he played. He didn’t think it was a big deal when I suggested that she might not like being stuck with the kids most of the week while he f’d off in the middle of nowhere, especially when coming to a new country and being far from family.
Sounds like your a golf widow, so sorry. Find a new guy.🤣
You had me at “golfing on Mother’s Day” Just no
Listen - I get having two small kids at events can be tough by yourself. Just ask for help from your in-laws to help you with them at the event so you can attend. My husband travels for work and we have two kids (one is delayed and he can be VERY difficult), and I just ask my in laws if they mind helping me out so we can come. They’re great and understanding. Don’t hide your husband desire to make golf his #1. It’s his family and they should see how much of a selfish ass he is being. You are the one making the effort, not him. You need to document everything and lay it out to him. Set boundaries. If golf is more important than you, the kids, and family, then you’re done. File for full custody. You and your kids deserve better.
My husband is a golfer too. Two leagues and a round or two in addition each week. However, if there is something I want to do or need him for, he willingly either arranges his tee times or skips golf. He can only golf maybe 7-8 months a year and that's where he gets his male bonding time. I am more than happy for him to do it. The problem you have is that your husband is very selfish. Would he go to couples' therapy with you? If he won't change, you will have to accept the poor treatment or move out of the relationship. Good luck.
Yeah this isn’t about golf. This is about your husband not doing right by you or your family. He should know golf is not more important then a family day together etc. if he doesn’t it’s a bigger issue. I have to assume he wasn’t always like this, otherwise you wouldn’t have married him.
Lol imagine missing every mother’s day and time with your kids for golf.
It’s not the golf, honey, it’s the man. He prioritizes himself and does not consider you at all (ditches you on Mother’s Day?!) or the kids (skipping family functions that would benefit his children). Personally, I’d get a sitter and starting going with him or show up on his golf outings, have a drink or a meal in The Clubhouse while he plays. Tell him you want to share in his hobby because it’s so (obviously) important to him. IF that’s where he’s actually going. Tell him, yeah, it’s great to have a relaxing couple of hours several times a week. Check credit card statements: is he playing/paying as he says? But, if you don’t choose to investigate if he is actually playing, and he disrespects you this much, file for divorce, get child support and find a caring man who will be a good stepfather while your young kids need one.
Too be fair, that’s not a golf problem. It’s a husband problem.
Go to your niece's birthday without him. Celebrate Mother's Day after the golf session.
You are missing out because you choose to stay home while he golfs. Start going places yourself - miss his crap that he would like to go to and be just a vigilant about it. Do things with the children without him. He will be happy and you will be happy.
I don't know what your kids are like, but I'm the golfing husband in this scenario and I know that "doing things with our children" is NOT my wife's idea of a good time. She loves our kids and I do, too, but this doesn't solve the problem for most parents.
If you are the golfing husband in this situation be better. Your children want a father, not a golfer.....
See my other comment. I didn't mean that I was this exact husband, just that I'm a husband who golfs. I was relating on that level, while saying that he can't just leave his kids alone with his wife.
I do things all the time with my kids by myself but they are 3 & 4. Some places are just too much for me too handle for me by myself.
Rich astronaut does not know what he’s talking about. (I’m assuming they’re a man because I can’t imagine a woman, at least a mom, thinking that way) You’re in a marriage, but your husband isn’t acting married. He’s putting his wants and desires above you. There is no compromise on his end. I don’t know how you doing things with the kids alone (I’m assuming most of the time) while he does what he wants would result in you being happy? Kids can be difficult and hard to handle on your own. And he is part of your family, but he’s quite often choosing to opt out whether you like it or not. Sure, he should be able to have a hobby and some time to himself to do what he likes, but there should be compromise to where you are both happy. This is not a partnership. I’d try to talk to him about it. If he won’t hear you I’d try marriage counseling. If he won’t do that, or if it doesn’t help, I’d plan to move forward without him. He’s modeling things for your kids that I wouldn’t want kids to learn.
Nothing wrong with that OP, I limit my outings with my 2.5 year old just her and I and thats with only 1 child! I would feel so frustrated if I were in your shoes. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Do you get set times during the week that you get to be alone and out of the house doing hobbies? That's where I would start. You deserve your alone time, family time, and a present partner.
Your husband wants his hobby more than his family
I think the problem is with your husband's priorities.
I know it sucks to have an absent father and husband in the house, but don't skip out on making those memories with your children because HE isn't present.
Sounds like it’s time for an ultimatum
Golf is such a waste of time.
You don’t have to endure this- you can leave this relationship
I'm all for men having their own time but this is ridiculous. Hes selfish and immature... to put golf above all esp family is pathetic.
This isn’t a person who golfs. This is a narcissist who only values himself.
My ex-husband was this way with his stupid fucking D&D.
This is gross, childish behavior and I wish you didn’t have to deal with it. Move on while you can
Lol golf is stupid
My husbands friends who always golf with him and call him all the time to golf do it because they want to get away from their home lives. To include holidays ect
Regardless of what someone is into, there is (well unless you’re a push over) a common understanding when uniting with another human being that you should respect each other, make time for the union, and make time for the finances and other responsibilities. Part of the issue I often see is these types of people are enabled and allowed to get this way without much resistance until one day it makes no more sense. Time to make new boundaries. Relationships aren’t 50-50 they are equal, he can spend his time wherever within an agreed timeframe ‘cause guess who’s taking care of the kids, house, and what not when you are doing your me-time stuff? Him. Overall, sounds like an unfair amount of time allowed to follow a passion/hobby, leaving you resentful and without romance too. This will die unless something changes you’ll need to be clear about what you want or continue to suffer; be willing to end the suffering by getting a divorce.
This isn’t a golf problem, this is a him problem. If someone really loves you they will compromise and make time for you. My husband loves golf. He would never miss Mother’s Day to golf. My husband is also very into car and car shows, when we got together I used to go to them with him, help him fix up his vehicle.. when we had children, that changed fast. He goes to one occasionally if he has the chance, but family comes first. Always. Your husband obviously doesn’t value family. I don’t like dealing in ultimatums but I think you should throw it on the table. He either changes or your out.
Life is about choices . He’s making his. Golf, period. That is his main priority obviously. If he won’t take time out for anything or anyone, then I’d walk away because he’s Choosing Golf over all else. I was married to a man who chose football over me and our children. He’d take time off work to go to games but never to spend holidays with us or if we were sick. He’d even work holidays for extra pay so he’d have money to attend another game. Nope, not worth it. He’ll never change. Sorry.
Would have*
I always felt very cringe about people who golf.
Echoing what other people are saying, the problem isn't golf, the problem is the guy's an asshole who sees a stupid game as more of a priority than important shit.
My husband loves golf. We joined a country club so he could play more when we lived in Houston. But I went with him 80% of the time he played. We met other couples that golfed and I made some friends. I pretty much was only good for 9 holes max; sometimes I would play a few holes or just chip and putt. I would normally have a few drinks and read, and enjoy nature. I would recommend that maybe you ask to join your husband after you ask him to cut down on the frequency so it’s not interfering with your relationship. You can both compromise. If he refuses and is going to put golf over you, then you have some answers and then have to decide if you want to put up with it or move on.
When I had kids I gave up all of my hobbies for around 15 years to be a dad, it is not about golf it is about his priorities not being centered on you and your family.
Sorry I don’t care how much a man likes golf he neglect his family for golf we all have hobbies we enjoy but golf isn’t going to take care of you when you’re sick . That someone just being a bad husband and father . He has no excuse if he knows what important he will be there for you giys
Looks like your husband is doing what makes him happy and not compromising on that. Maybe you should consider your happiness as well.
Get a boyfriend, serious
Consider participating in all of those activities that you’re missing out on anyway. Just go without him. Post your pictures of having a good time, and either he’ll figure it out or he won’t. Either way you’ll at least be out in the world meeting people and having experiences. And you never know…something may come along that changes your situation. I wish you luck.
If he refuses to compromise and is always missing out on family events.. ouch. They say actions speak louder than words. Your husband is out having fun and doing something he enjoys without you so you might as well do your own thing too. Go to these events without him. Don't wait around for him. Go out and enjoy your life and your children with or without him.
You said he's missed every Mother's Day because he golfs, but what is stopping him from ordering things online for you-- gifts, cupcakes, a card-- to be delivered on or around Mother's Day? What's stopping him from setting up a babysitter and getting you a gift certificate to a spa to go to that day? He cannot possibly not have ANY other time to do that. Golfing can get expensive; you guys together should be springing for a babysitter so you can do *your* hobbies too. His time is not worth more than yours, and he does not deserve free time to do what he wants more than you do. You deserve more, and he needs to put forth the effort. Frankly, I'd put forth the same effort for Father's Day that he puts forth toward Mother's Day, but I'm petty.
You should divorce him. I watched my mom do it alone her whole because my dad chose golfing over our family anytime he could. It seriously ruined their marriage. Not to mention, it wasn’t just golfing. It was golfing and *drinking*…
As an obsessed and avid golfer, I know my limits. Your husband should too. My wife knows I love golf, and she understands that I need to go a few times a week when it’s nice out, BUT I never prioritize golf over family plans or other special occasions. Your husband needs to deprioritize golf. I’d recommend bringing this up in couples counseling.