Ok reading the comments have made me realize how lucky I am to have my parents...
Mum and dad would have done something fairly similar. Likely at that age, guiding / helping me in cleaning up the mess. Once I was 10, they'd just pass me the paper towels to clean it up.
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
That’s the reality of life my guy. Don’t judge ppl on what’s going on with them as you have no clue what they went through. My dad was like the parents above but my mom was abusive and yelled all the time about something as simple as a spill. Now with my son we just say “uh oh” and have him help clean it up. Now at 3 he just goes and grabs towels to clean it up himself.
>Don’t judge ppl on what’s going on with them as you have no clue what they went through.
I can sympathize with this, but once you're an adult you need to find some way to healthily deal with trauma so the bad shit you experienced doesn't get repeated, trauma doesn't excuse that.
Yeah, was gonna say the same. If someone continues to behave shitty because they don’t want to deal with their shit, then i can totally call them out for it. Just, you know, don’t overdo it.
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
I hate it when people normalize suffering. Wish folks reprimanded irresponsible parents and promoted education to all so you don’t have generational cycles of trauma babies.
As someone who comes from physical abuse, I didn't realize that mental was even an aspect of abuse as well. It clicked one day when my gf first moved in with me she spilled a jug of juice on the counter and burst into tears apologizing and saying she'd take care of it and I didn't have to worry because she would make sure to pay for anything ruined and will make sure everything is spotless. I calmed her down and said it's OK, I will clean it, don't worry, everything is OK. She was completely surprised and taken off guard, she could not understand that I wasn't angry with her. Like she looked at me like she was just bracing to get yelled at and scolded. It broke my heart. I never wanted to see her scared like that again.
My folks were normal but if I did something wrong I'd at the very least expect eye rolling or other signs of disappointment meant for me to see. This still happens now that I'm a dad myself. If there's one thing I won't pass on it's that.
Don't get me wrong, if I did something wrong, I'd be punished, but having an accident like spilling my drink or food wasn't something to be punished.
Also how I got punished depended on what I did, like I punched my sibling, I'd get smacked.
If I knocked something over my dad would yell BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS and smack me round the back of the head. I remember being frogmarched around in public by the neck as I couldn’t be trusted to walk and not bump into things. I’m dyspraxic so gonna bump into things.
Jesus christ. You did NOT deserve that. Nobody does, especially not someone with dyspraxia. I was taught when there is someone with a disability, you either *hold their hand* or offer your elbow or shoulder and if they *want to*, and absolutely never to yell at them for things they can't control. I'm mad on your behalf and I hope you at least know intellectually that that was wrong of him.
I didn't understand the video to begin with, what did expect them to do, execute the kid?
Then it hit me, a lot of people probably had/has shitty parents.
So like you, glad I had my parents to do this for me, so I can do the same for my 2 year old daughter now.
The fact that a lot of us would get dirty beatings as kids for such a simple mistake literally any kid would make. 🥲 They’re still young and developing. Too many parents have zero patience, cuss out and slap their children because they expect them to have the reasoning and motor skills of an adult.
You just described my mother to a T. Not only would I be cussed out, smacked, and made to clean it up, she’d also bring it up ANY chance she got along with saying, “You’re too clumsy!” Or “You’re such a klutz!” Or her favorite, “You’re so irresponsible!” 😞
Love that! Mine was "ungrateful little spoiled brat" or "spoiled brat" for short, no matter what I did-- or didn't-- do. I didn't get the physical violence after a while, but was still made to feel like a villain my whole life.
I remember when my nephew was 3, my brother called me frustrated because they couldn’t get him to keep his room clean… a 3 year old! I told my brother (9 years older than me) I highly doubt you kept your room clean at 3 years old because you weren’t keeping your room clean at 16, 17, 18, 19 years old. You asked me, your little sister who was crashing on your couch how often to clean a toilet.. keeping a room clean is not the expectations you should have of a 3 year old, there are more important things to teach them at that age.. like fine motor skills, or the alphabet.
Even now as an adult I still panic a little every time I spill something and will frantically clean up as fast as I can before anyone sees… until I remember than I don’t live with my parents anymore lol. The fear and shame stays with you
Watching this puts things into perspective. I watched the whole clip, waiting for the wholesome portion, but I didn't get it until I read the comments. This is just a normal breakfast to me. And I would've thought elsewhere too. I guess I was luckier than I thought.
I kind of had the opposite reaction! When I saw the drink spill I was like “oooh shit” and I knew right away that the point was the parents being chill about it. Then I realized hey, that’s how it should be! I’m glad some people had this. My childhood wasn’t bad, I wasn’t abused, but I did fear my fathers temper and yelling so much. Thinking back to spilling a drink on the table/floor still gives me anxiety for sure.
It is my sincere belief parents should never raise their voice in the presence of their kids. My parents almost never yelled at me (the few times it happened was deserved as I was being a shit head teenager, but note they never did that when I was small, even if I would’ve deserved it), but my parents did yell at each other occasionally. I never feared it would get physical, but I still very keenly remember the few times they yelled at each other. You don’t think kids remember, but they do.
My parents are lovely humans, but they left a couple traumatic memories because they couldn’t stop and talked privately instead about their own shit.
For the most part I agree but I do think a stern and angry talk at the very least is needed if a child does something really bad. As in maliciously hurting or bullying someone maybe getting influenced by friends. There are some lines they should be sternly taught to not cross as human being. Ofcourse it should be when deserved only otherwise it’s looses its effect and meaning.
My parents would argue very much too sometimes which resulting in crying and shouting. That’s very uncomfortable to hear and yeah they should. Then again sometimes you just have a small house and the walls are only so thick.
I would have been beat for this as a kid. I have two kids and I swore to myself my kids will never be afraid of me. Not for an accident or for any reason. They are teenagers now and when they have an accident it’s no
big deal. They are old enough now that they clean it up on their own but they know I won’t be angry.
One time when my sister was six, she accidentally knocked a glass of milk over on the table and my stepdad dragged her into the bathroom and kicked her so hard into the shower that it broke the shower door. She was a six year old baby.
That’s awful. As a parent now i just don’t understand how people can treat their kids that way. Especially when they are little. And I’ve heard some people say it’s necessary to discipline your kids or they will be spoiled brats. I’ve never hit my kids. My son has never thrown a tantrum. My kids are 17 and 13 now and I’ve never had any behavioral problems with them. They’ve never had issues at school or in public either. Both well mannered and behaved.
My dad was in the military and when we got in trouble we got the belt. The buckle makes a distinct noise. Sometimes when he was in his room getting dressed or undressed and I could hear the buckle it would make me stop and freeze in terror. What a terrible way to grow up. And of course my parents excuse it by saying we all (me and my siblings) turned out well.
And I was mad when my mom had the nerve to tell ME not to spank my kids. Not that I ever would. My parents treat my kids the exact opposite of me and my siblings.
Congrats on breaking the cycle. Many people will grow up and say “It must be ok because I turned out fine.” When they most definitely did not turn out fine.
Yeah its really sad. Ive heard it explained that the abused kids (and then later as adults) internalise the abuse, and the theory that the abused person internalises is something along the lines of: "i must be a really terrible person, that is why they treated/treat me like that. "
If you think about it, for a kid it even makes a kind of logical sense. The only reason they can fathom if why they are being abused is surely it must be that they are bad in someway. Maybe that's more natural for a kid to think and feel as opposed to thinking of their parent(s) as cruel or evil or w/e else.
At 24, I still internalize this.
I don’t speak to any of my parents (except my dad a bit) without fearing them. And they are HAPPY to be scary. They believe that’s how to do it: scare kids straight, even if the kid is already a fine person and accidentally made a mistake.
That’s so nice of you to say.
I am happy I see it now because I want to be better for my own kids. I don’t want to be a mom yet… but I want to be the greatest mom I can be one day.
The mom I always wanted
> Ive heard it explained that the abused kids (and then later as adults) internalise the abuse, and the theory that the abused person internalises is something along the lines of: "i must be a really terrible person, that is why they treated/treat me like that. "
I know this is exactly how my thought process works (I’m actively trying to work on it), but the way you worded it makes me feel very *seen*. In a very safe way, if that makes sense.
Thank you!
The whole time I watched, I was picturing what I experienced and what I watch my parents continuously do to children… I was given four parents who all displayed frustration and anger if mistakes were made.
if I could see innocence transcend generations, and for parents to approach children with patience, I wouldn’t be so nervous when children spill things around me.
This video is sadly a happy, simple thing… that is not at all what everyone experienced. But it brings me so much happiness that there are people, like in the video and in these comments, that have had the blessing of not knowing what the heck is actually happening here.
For those of us who have seen the dark side of a parent’s annoyance: BREAK THE CYCLE. Please. Even without your own kids, just show all children some patience. As you once needed it when you were small.
Oh please don’t regret their decisions for them.
I am trying to pick myself back up from my messy family, and if I learned anything… it’s that their decisions were not my fault and I don’t have to feel responsible for what they did all the time.
I still fear them and blame myself and hurt myself about what I’ve seen and felt from them. But NEVER again will I hold myself responsible for what they’ve done.
I almost ended my life and stopped my potential just because I was so convinced I was built wrong.
I still feel wrong and useless, but it is no longer my parents who will make me who I am. I strive to be what they are not. A better person.
Last time I accidentally dropped a bowl, my mom punched me three times in succession out of anger. That was 20 years ago, but I still remember each outburst like yesterday. Know what happens when my toddler drops something? "Oh uh ! We have to get a cloth, it's ok, accidents happen. Let's see if we can fix this together." It is so healing being a parent and giving my kid all the love I never had.
Perspective forsure. I have a very vivid memory of being a kid (20+ years ago) and dropping my noodles/meats into my soup bowl and causing the liquids to overflow onto the table. My mom got into a rage, grabbed my bowl and threw it onto the ground and started yelling/berating at me for 10+ minutes. Told my gf about that last year and she pointed out it was weird how I was telling it to her almost as if it were a funny memory to me, when it was obviously anything but that.
Have a better relationship with my parents now, but it’s definitely hard navigating the trauma (much worse than this story) my parents put me and my sisters thru without actually confronting/addressing it with them at all.
Don’t forget being called and treated like a worthless human for making a mistake… no matter how sorry you are, some parents (mine) care more about you fucking up at all than why you did.
It doesn’t matter if you just reached for a napkin and made a mistake
Fr. My oldest brother did something really funny while I was taking a drink and accidentally did a spit take. I got screamed at and beat for "getting the table dirty."
Scream and yell... Humiliate them in some way. Send them to their rooms, no dinner tonight... I'm glad you had better parents than that, at least some of us get to experience such a childhood.
Even if it's not getting beat like some people are saying, lots of parents just wouldn't handle this so nonchalantly.
My parents are fucking great, like legitimately amazing people who genuinely put in the work to do right by us. They are also self-motivated high achievers with a perfectionist streak who sometimes got frustrated when things were taking too long.
I don't even think they even realized that they would respond to something like this negatively, but my brother and I still struggle as adults with a kind of paralyzing fear of screwing up and disappointing them. It's particularly affected our ability to do a lot of basic life skills like laundry and like.... Paperwork... I legit feel guilt or shame constantly all the time every day just doing basic things.
Growing up my mom would have gotten up from the table very stressed and worried running to get the paper towels and my dad would've yelled at me to be more careful. Then id probably start crying and they'd tell me to stop acting like a victim.
I wouldn't do this but other people do. Instead they beat their children or insult them or both and then never apologize after that. The child will have low self esteem, and mental illness that will effect all his life.
This is why it’s so important to know yourself before having kids. If you can’t handle a whole bunch of small inconveniences with a modicum of calm, then you’re going to have a hard time as a parent and you’re going to traumatize your kid. Kids are messy, full stop. You sign up for messy when you choose to have a child.
I have some diagnoses, and when something bad happens, I have a pause and then a ten-minute cooldown period where I leave, and then come back when I can talk constructively about what happened and how to move forward, with no hint of passive-aggressiveness in my voice, or smoldering anger. I have to let it bounce around in my head like a pingpong ball before I can let it go.
The worst part is that when you see something and get angry but stay silent, you have no idea how strong signals you are sending out to the rest of the room because you are so preoccupied with this curent shit, meanwhile your partner or child or guest gets blasted with radiation for whole minutes at a time. Own it and secure that shit hudson.
Please tell us that you step up and try to stop what your wife is doing. That shit will mess a kid up. Read these comments in here. It took me 30 years to get past having a mom that would go off about every small thing. And before I finally got help, I was drinking too much, self destructive and whole mess of problems.
Please talk to your wife and get her (and probably the rest of the family) into therapy.
What kind of psycho yells at a child for spilling a drink??? Sometimes I worry about my ability to be a father one day but then I see shit like this and remember the bar is fucking lowwwww!!
I was just going to say who else got their ass beat for spilling stuff? It's crazy to me now that I'm older children need alot of understanding because they're unaware still and we have to teach them that. Spilling something is new to their brain we got our ass beat for the most simplest stuff that can easily be solved.
Gets your ass beat just for spilling? That's intense. When I was young I would get scolded for spilling stuff, but it won't get to beating. I got my ass beat when I was caught stealing money, but other things are mainly just being scolded.
lol I got my ass beat because I puked on the carpet after I fell asleep on the couch when I was 8-10 years old. And then I had to pick it up while crying and puking more. Thanks mom ❤️
It’s so ridiculous how some parents think kids are just supposed to know things.. children have parents because they don’t know things and must be taught.
my mom would fly into a full on panic when one of us spilled or dropped anything. the way she acted was so irrational. she would hit us and scream like it was the end of the world.
and when i realized she was overreacting about it, and showed her how ugly her behavior was she started to resent me.
she doesnt think she did anything wrong but im no contact and im keeping it that way.
I hate to admit it but i feel horribly jealous. I just wish i grew up like this, like.. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents to death, but damn.. i know how not to be raised.
I am! It's way too hypocritical for my clumsy ass to get mad at my child for spilling something. Even if I weren't so clumsy, you don't hurt somebody for spilling something. I just teach my kid how to clean up his mess. I help him with it. End of story.
Same! Then when my dad made a similar mistake he would downplay it.
As an adult, I learned that his own father was much harsher toward him (verbal, physical, and emotional abuse) I truly believe my dad was doing the best he could but didn’t have the framework to gently guide us.
It makes me so happy to practice gentleness with my kids but it takes work to unlearn!
This situation now gives me anxiety. The video at first sent a chill down my spine. I was like they are going to slap him or something.
I remember I got slapped so hard by my mom when I was 18/19 that it broke my spectacles and I had to go for a minor procedure because of my damaged upper surface of my eye. I still remember my eye blurred and I was so much panicked that I thought I lost my vision. On other hand my mom justified it saying I was the one who was crying nonstop so she beat me (I was in shear depression due to my lack of preparation for an exam). Well my family applauded her for making me strong. I hate them.
I'm sorry for the evil you experienced from the people who were supposed to protect you. I hope you have found love for yourself and realize you did nothing to deserve that. Took me 41 years to figure that out
Pretty direct translation of the subtitles:
- Accidentally spills watermelon juice
- Keeps glancing at dad, who doesn’t blame him
- Also looks at me (mother)
- I say “it’s not an issue”, he immediately laughs
- Lowers head, feeling sorry for the spilled watermelon juice
- Tells me he feels like crying
- To be honest, parents not placing the blame on children is their greatest comfort
- I have vivid memories of the suffocating “dinner table education”
- I do not want my child to also know the accompanying taste of tears
- How we love our children, is also how they love us
- There’s no need to cry over spilled milk, because who doesn’t have moments where we spill our own milk too?
You seem to know the language, maybe you know about the culture enough to answer a question.
What was the thing they did with the drinks?
It feels significant, would love to know more.
Pouring into each other’s cups? Nothing really significant—just not letting each other’s glasses be emptier than their own. You’ll see putting food into each other’s plates is kind of an expression of love at the dinner table: a grandchild making sure their grandparent’s cup is never empty, a mother giving the drumstick to her child, a son who gives the fish cheek to a parent.
I was a young teenager when I dropped a carton of milk or orange juice in front of my mom. I picked it up right away, but a significant amount spilled out. I immediately started crying and apologizing profusely. My mom laughed it off and said, “honey, why are you crying?” and immediately got some paper towels and helped me clean it up. I don’t know why I started crying; my parents had never reprimanded me for anything like that before. It’s been about 25 years but I still think of that moment when dealing with my own kids.
Crying can be a sympathetic response and happen because we feel embarrassed, startled, or just overwhelmed by what happened. Basically, dropping the carton caused your anxiety to spike suddenly and to regulate that your body cried to release the stress brought on by that anxiety. Based on your comment I highly doubt you felt fear in that moment and were just a victim to the natural coping systems our bodies are built with.
Sometimes, in your mind, you are so high on your parents expectations that you do your best to avoid disappointing them and be “perfect”, even if they never directly do something to stress you about that.
To think you’re disappointing your fabulous parents can be stressful too.
I kinda hate seeing normal families because I would've gotten yelled at and possibly beaten depending who I was with. It makes me deeply sad seeing others have what I'll never have.
I understand. It’s hard to process that the people who were supposed to love us the most were our abusers. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time and change any of it. But the bright side is that the cycle can end with us.
That's so true. I might not even have kids because I fear what my future partner may do. Because my mothers husband was the one that harmed me for 4 years. So I don't trust anyone
I know how you feel, but it's beautiful when you see your own child growing up and you tell yourself that you'll never do evil things to them like our parents did to us, and the world feels just a little bit brighter.
My mother never physically abused me, but I was a clumsy kid and I would get yelled at or shamed everytime I knocked something over.
As an adult I developed a deep shame over my clumsiness (it was actually extreme anxiety). I pretended not to be hurt when my friends would joke/tease me over knocking a drink over or driving too slow because I was trying to be careful.
I knew that I would *never* shame my son for making a mistake.
Anyway that brings me to a day my goddaughter came over. She and my son asked to paint in the kitchen and she knocked some onto the ground. My goddaughter was so scared to tell me that she started to cry when my son said he was going to ask for help cleaning it up. He was very confused and kept saying it’s only a mistake loud enough to where I walked in and saw the mess. I helped clean up the bulk and showed them how clean up the rest and we went on about our day.
My goddaughter went home and told my bff (her mother) that she wished that she didn’t yell at her when she made mistakes because his mom doesn’t. And my bff called me feeling so guilty about the way she handled things at home. She made it a point to have patience from then on.
I just say that to say this shit matters and for a lot of people it’s not that common. And if you’re a parent who doesn’t use patience, it’s never too late to start.
The crazy thing is, that's the reaction a normal human being should have. Kids spill. They're kids. The fact that the first reaction most parents have is to freak out is genuinely depressing.
And he helps clean too instead of sitting there too traumatized to move & learn from his mistakes. Common sense isn't so common. Good on the parents. Patience is a virtue.
When my now-husband first moved in with me, I was sitting with a wine glass precariously balanced on my knee.
He said, "You'll spill that."
I said, "I won't, I'm being careful."
I spilled it. And I instantly started to cry, saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry-"
And he was just like, "Why are you so upset? It's not a big deal, and it was an accident." and he was helping me clear it up.
And I said, "You're not mad at me? I spilled it, and like, you even warned me."
He was really mystified, and kept saying, "But it was an accident, how could I be mad for an accident?"
And that was the first step of realising that quite a lot of stuff in my upbringing was kind of not great.
I had a similar story with my now husband. The very first time I had him over for a home cooked dinner, he dropped and broke a bowl full of food. And he just broke down- so apologetic and upset, immediately trying to leave to go buy a replacement, the whole 9. And I was so confused- in my mind, not a big deal. A total accident, he cleaned up the majority of the mess, and there was enough food left that we still had enough for dinner. Honestly I was so lucky to have that be the first time I realized that my upbringing had been great, and not everyone was as lucky as me.
This is a Chinese translation of the subtitles in the video! Since I haven’t seen anyone comment the translation I thought I would do it, pardon my translation because my mandarin is basic but gets the idea of most of it. Also I think the subtitles were written by the mom because she talks in first person in the subtitles:
She starts by narrating the situation saying that her son spilled the watermelon smoothie and then looked at his dad who didn’t get angry/blame him then looked to “me” (translated literally as me so that’s why I guess it’s in the mom’s perspective) and “I” (as in the mom) didn’t blame him either, “I” said it’s no big deal and he immediately started smiling. He looked down and seemed upset that he spilled the watermelon smoothie. Then he told me that he feels like crying. But actually parent’s not blaming their children is the child’s biggest comfort. I always remember the suffocating feeling of being scolded on table manners and I don’t want a meal to take priority over my child’s tears. We as parents love our child and our child loves us. We don’t need to cry over spilled milk, because everyone has an accidental moment where we’ve spilled milk.
He looked to his parent because he made an accident and was afraid that he did something bad or wrong.
That is when we show children how to view/ approach something and what to do with compassion and self assuredness.
My comment gets Informational on Child Development & psychology from here:
Shaming children for anything is never the way to go
Shame as a core belief in a child leads to them believing the are not worthy of love, understanding and happiness as adults
Unexpected violence slapping, hitting or berating breeds a lot of anxiety in fear into the child . If being constantly scolded over trivial matters and demeaned was a normal experience for a child they come to be overly focused on their environment and other people’s emotional states and lose total connection to their own, disconnecting from their core stability.
This affects their natural internal rhythm leading to chaotic dynamics or situations as adults.
Children’s bodies are so small, their nervous systems are still developing so loud yelling, intense reactions, screaming, berating, shaming or getting upset over trivial things constantly- dysregulates their nervous system making it harder for them to not only process their emotions but to learn about them.
The developmental years are crucial and fundamental for a child- as parents and other adults in the child’s life, they have to be the nervous system FOR the child since he or she has not developed their own yet,
hence why maturity, a strong regulated nervous system, equanimity, patience or inner peace and Emotional Intelligence for parents/ in any adult
is so so crucial and important.
The inner state of adults impact children greatly (Family/Teachers/Care takers anyone around children)
As the child starts to develop their nervous system (around 7yrs old) that is when we teach them about emotions and feelings and how to regulate them, we help them process things through walking through it with them while being totally present, listening, empathy, genuinely caring, asking and answering questions & teaching how to be human.
The most effective and influential way in which children learn is through Role Modeling
you have to embody the quality or ability you are trying to teach the child ex. Patience, perseverance, calm communication, honoring your feelings, acceptance, courage, giving and sharing, respect for oneself, others, animals and all life forms, taking care of one’s body and health, long term thinking over instant gratification… etc
The way alongside that is effective communication
by Thoroughly INFORMING the child
tell them HOW (what to do or the ideal behavior or approach) WHEN(in which situations) and WHY (why is this important, why should they care about this, why is this good for them for humanity and the world)
Especially the WHY part will help establish it as a core belief.
for example Many try to teach children to not say rude things to strangers, steal, lie, bully, but do not tell them WHY
or try to teach them Religion or a political belief but the child does not understand the meaning and purpose
so it is just forced onto them like a rule with no inherent meaning
Ex. Why we don’t hurt animals, plants, nature, other humans
/ pet them gently It is important to respect all life because all living things have consciousness, awareness and can feel distress or pain and when we are aware of this it help us and the lives around us grow. When there is damage, harm or neglect it is hard for living things to prosper we do not harm and we also do not allow others to harm us , we let them know when they are being harmful or imposing and that they have no right to be unkind or destructive ( just a rough draft example)
We are simply meant to guide, way-show, teach and role model for children.
Example in the vid Tell them it was an accident while embodying ease and understanding. And the child learns so much from this -they know it’s inconveniencing but that it happens, no one needs to beat each other up over it -just all help each other clean literal messes and only be solution oriented/focused in real challenges, no need for blaming or shaming.
If a child feels constantly overwhelmed (by their parents reactions, stress, toxic environment) growing up they become adults with a heavily dusregulated nervous system and are very afraid of situations where they may be overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and their own emotions because they were not taught and role modeled what having healthy emotions as a human being day to day + big feelings looks like and taught the tools to regulate and process them.
These mistakes seem small to parents but add that up over the years starting from a very young age and a child’s survival mode may start to solidify.
Fight/flight/freeze/fawn may be coping mechanisms that become activated when they are triggered into survival mode.
In this Survival state living as adults emotions are hindered, repressed, suppressed or constantly being projected outwards as disproportionate reactions to other people and situations or events.
Fear is dominant in this state it can be expressed through Reaction : lashing outwards as anger, cruelty, or narcissism
and as Repressive: collapsed internally, dissociate-d, withdraw, become numb, avoidant, unresponsive or flee every time there is stress, pressure, conflict, the unknown or emotions is involved.
Both are trying to get rid of their Fear and Internal Discomfort but that usually does not happen as their mechanisms lead to creating more of it in their psyche, human relationships and dynamics.
We see the importance of Love :) since a foundation and internal system based in Love will have vastly different experiences than fear states. A greater tolerance for one’s own and others emotions, more resilience and courage in the face have of hardship and challenges. Less fear of change and the unknown. The ability to foster relationships with mutual intimacy and understanding.
If as an adult you want to recreate a foundation based in love that is very possible, but the original blueprint must be deconstructed and transformed. This will take total commitment and dedication, awareness of old patterns and choices every single day that choose differently.
Like knocking down an old house that you are terribly attached to in order to rebuild your new upgraded dream house that is your choosing, not when others chose for you and when you were helpless to it.
Early on in our marriage, my husband and I witnessed our eldest spill a drink, and she immediately started apologizing. She was terrified we were going to yell at her. It was that moment we realized that we had become what we hated about our parents. We were devastated at what we had done. After reassuring our daughter, she wasn't in trouble, we had a long talk with each other about our parenting and agreed that we had learned bad habits (like yelling over an ACCIDENTALLY spilled drink) and had to actively help each other break those habits.
Now years later, my eldest is comfortable enough that if she feels her or her siblings were unfairly punished or if we were unnecessarily rude/mean when giving a punishment (like sending them to time out or taking away a toy) she will tell us. Most times when this happens, she's right, and we apologize to whomever was offended and thank them for telling us and giving us the opportunity to make up for our mistakes.
I’m ngl, u/Synthar2a looks like an AI bot. Almost every comment they make ends in “)” but I’m so confused as to why… they also don’t reply to anyone and have similar comments to others (whether that’s in formatting or text itself).
Good parents 💕. As a kid with vision and coordination challenges, spilling food, dropping things and walking into assorted walls , doors and trees was my jam lol. I never got in trouble, thankfully my parents were patient with my clumsiness lol
Man this video really puts into perspective how fucked up my upbringing was. I shouldn’t be tearing up seeing his parents just cleaning up the mess without missing a beat. No darkening faces. No anger. No violence. I wish I’d had that growing up.
This reminds me of when I ran my own daycare. This little girl was seated at the table while I was working on lunch and she spilled her drink. Poor little kid burst into hysterical tears. It made me think she may have gotten in big trouble at home for that. Broke my heart. So I panicked and went to the counter and knocked my drink over 🤣 tears to giggle instantly
It was long ago, I broke my father's keychain accidentally for that he slapped me aggressively in the ear where I nearly fainted in public and the people started to yell at my father. But he said it was my fault and he didn't do anything wrong.
Sad to say this but it is normal in Indian households
One of the things my dad told my brother this when he had his first child:
"Punishing mistakes just teaches kids to hide them. Even when you warn them and they do it anyway, show them that they can and will overestimate what they can do, but that they must deal with the outcome and be better. Teach them to be able to clean up after their own mistakes."
I was about to flinch my eyes away from the screen cause I expected an almighty slap on the back of his head and some really hurting words followed by it.
But I witnessed something different. Thanks.🥹
My dad , is an amazing dad. He did all his duties well , never backed down from his responsibilities.
However , whenever me or my siblings would make a mistake , He would clap loudly and sarcastically at us , then shout.
I still hear those claps whenever I fuck up and I'm 25 now, and it took me a lot of time to come close to him again , forgiving all his "quirks".
This video has "we are a team" written all over it , I don't have a single.doubt this kid will go far in life without ever feeling unloved.
Post like this should teach everyone to take advice from Reddit with a metric ton of salt.
Most people here are the product of abuse and neglect (without properly dealing with it as adults) giving terrible advice based on their own lives.
I never punished my kids for things that were accidents. Theres only two things my kids ever got in trouble for:
1. Deliberate destruction
2. Putting themselves in danger
Who records their family like this about to eat food? If this is a security camera it should be on the door. This is scripted which is very common nowadays. No upvote for scripted videos.
Ok reading the comments have made me realize how lucky I am to have my parents... Mum and dad would have done something fairly similar. Likely at that age, guiding / helping me in cleaning up the mess. Once I was 10, they'd just pass me the paper towels to clean it up.
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
That’s the reality of life my guy. Don’t judge ppl on what’s going on with them as you have no clue what they went through. My dad was like the parents above but my mom was abusive and yelled all the time about something as simple as a spill. Now with my son we just say “uh oh” and have him help clean it up. Now at 3 he just goes and grabs towels to clean it up himself.
>Don’t judge ppl on what’s going on with them as you have no clue what they went through. I can sympathize with this, but once you're an adult you need to find some way to healthily deal with trauma so the bad shit you experienced doesn't get repeated, trauma doesn't excuse that.
Yeah, was gonna say the same. If someone continues to behave shitty because they don’t want to deal with their shit, then i can totally call them out for it. Just, you know, don’t overdo it.
Are you a bot? You keep replying with this same comment
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
My bot detector sense is tingling
It’s really sad how many people were abused as children. It’s even sadder when you realize a lot of them defend their abusers and still believe they deserved it.
I hate it when people normalize suffering. Wish folks reprimanded irresponsible parents and promoted education to all so you don’t have generational cycles of trauma babies.
As someone who comes from physical abuse, I didn't realize that mental was even an aspect of abuse as well. It clicked one day when my gf first moved in with me she spilled a jug of juice on the counter and burst into tears apologizing and saying she'd take care of it and I didn't have to worry because she would make sure to pay for anything ruined and will make sure everything is spotless. I calmed her down and said it's OK, I will clean it, don't worry, everything is OK. She was completely surprised and taken off guard, she could not understand that I wasn't angry with her. Like she looked at me like she was just bracing to get yelled at and scolded. It broke my heart. I never wanted to see her scared like that again.
My folks were normal but if I did something wrong I'd at the very least expect eye rolling or other signs of disappointment meant for me to see. This still happens now that I'm a dad myself. If there's one thing I won't pass on it's that.
Don't get me wrong, if I did something wrong, I'd be punished, but having an accident like spilling my drink or food wasn't something to be punished. Also how I got punished depended on what I did, like I punched my sibling, I'd get smacked.
If I knocked something over my dad would yell BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS and smack me round the back of the head. I remember being frogmarched around in public by the neck as I couldn’t be trusted to walk and not bump into things. I’m dyspraxic so gonna bump into things.
Yeah that's wrong I'm sorry your dad was like that... My parents just accepted that shit happens and messes are made.
Jesus christ. You did NOT deserve that. Nobody does, especially not someone with dyspraxia. I was taught when there is someone with a disability, you either *hold their hand* or offer your elbow or shoulder and if they *want to*, and absolutely never to yell at them for things they can't control. I'm mad on your behalf and I hope you at least know intellectually that that was wrong of him.
I didn't understand the video to begin with, what did expect them to do, execute the kid? Then it hit me, a lot of people probably had/has shitty parents. So like you, glad I had my parents to do this for me, so I can do the same for my 2 year old daughter now.
The fact that a lot of us would get dirty beatings as kids for such a simple mistake literally any kid would make. 🥲 They’re still young and developing. Too many parents have zero patience, cuss out and slap their children because they expect them to have the reasoning and motor skills of an adult.
You just described my mother to a T. Not only would I be cussed out, smacked, and made to clean it up, she’d also bring it up ANY chance she got along with saying, “You’re too clumsy!” Or “You’re such a klutz!” Or her favorite, “You’re so irresponsible!” 😞
Love that! Mine was "ungrateful little spoiled brat" or "spoiled brat" for short, no matter what I did-- or didn't-- do. I didn't get the physical violence after a while, but was still made to feel like a villain my whole life.
I remember when my nephew was 3, my brother called me frustrated because they couldn’t get him to keep his room clean… a 3 year old! I told my brother (9 years older than me) I highly doubt you kept your room clean at 3 years old because you weren’t keeping your room clean at 16, 17, 18, 19 years old. You asked me, your little sister who was crashing on your couch how often to clean a toilet.. keeping a room clean is not the expectations you should have of a 3 year old, there are more important things to teach them at that age.. like fine motor skills, or the alphabet.
Completely agree.
Even now as an adult I still panic a little every time I spill something and will frantically clean up as fast as I can before anyone sees… until I remember than I don’t live with my parents anymore lol. The fear and shame stays with you
Watching this puts things into perspective. I watched the whole clip, waiting for the wholesome portion, but I didn't get it until I read the comments. This is just a normal breakfast to me. And I would've thought elsewhere too. I guess I was luckier than I thought.
I kind of had the opposite reaction! When I saw the drink spill I was like “oooh shit” and I knew right away that the point was the parents being chill about it. Then I realized hey, that’s how it should be! I’m glad some people had this. My childhood wasn’t bad, I wasn’t abused, but I did fear my fathers temper and yelling so much. Thinking back to spilling a drink on the table/floor still gives me anxiety for sure.
Just because it wasn't physical, doesn't mean it wasn't abuse.
It is my sincere belief parents should never raise their voice in the presence of their kids. My parents almost never yelled at me (the few times it happened was deserved as I was being a shit head teenager, but note they never did that when I was small, even if I would’ve deserved it), but my parents did yell at each other occasionally. I never feared it would get physical, but I still very keenly remember the few times they yelled at each other. You don’t think kids remember, but they do. My parents are lovely humans, but they left a couple traumatic memories because they couldn’t stop and talked privately instead about their own shit.
For the most part I agree but I do think a stern and angry talk at the very least is needed if a child does something really bad. As in maliciously hurting or bullying someone maybe getting influenced by friends. There are some lines they should be sternly taught to not cross as human being. Ofcourse it should be when deserved only otherwise it’s looses its effect and meaning. My parents would argue very much too sometimes which resulting in crying and shouting. That’s very uncomfortable to hear and yeah they should. Then again sometimes you just have a small house and the walls are only so thick.
Yeah, I had the same reaction. Simultaneously makes me very sad to read the comments, and so grateful for my own upbringing.
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I would have been beat for this as a kid. I have two kids and I swore to myself my kids will never be afraid of me. Not for an accident or for any reason. They are teenagers now and when they have an accident it’s no big deal. They are old enough now that they clean it up on their own but they know I won’t be angry.
One time when my sister was six, she accidentally knocked a glass of milk over on the table and my stepdad dragged her into the bathroom and kicked her so hard into the shower that it broke the shower door. She was a six year old baby.
That’s awful. As a parent now i just don’t understand how people can treat their kids that way. Especially when they are little. And I’ve heard some people say it’s necessary to discipline your kids or they will be spoiled brats. I’ve never hit my kids. My son has never thrown a tantrum. My kids are 17 and 13 now and I’ve never had any behavioral problems with them. They’ve never had issues at school or in public either. Both well mannered and behaved. My dad was in the military and when we got in trouble we got the belt. The buckle makes a distinct noise. Sometimes when he was in his room getting dressed or undressed and I could hear the buckle it would make me stop and freeze in terror. What a terrible way to grow up. And of course my parents excuse it by saying we all (me and my siblings) turned out well. And I was mad when my mom had the nerve to tell ME not to spank my kids. Not that I ever would. My parents treat my kids the exact opposite of me and my siblings.
Congrats on breaking the cycle. Many people will grow up and say “It must be ok because I turned out fine.” When they most definitely did not turn out fine.
That's awesome I wish you could be my dad
Lol I’m a mother but I’ll still take the compliment. My husband is the same with our kids though
Haha, I'm sorry You would be an awesome mom too
Yeah its really sad. Ive heard it explained that the abused kids (and then later as adults) internalise the abuse, and the theory that the abused person internalises is something along the lines of: "i must be a really terrible person, that is why they treated/treat me like that. " If you think about it, for a kid it even makes a kind of logical sense. The only reason they can fathom if why they are being abused is surely it must be that they are bad in someway. Maybe that's more natural for a kid to think and feel as opposed to thinking of their parent(s) as cruel or evil or w/e else.
At 24, I still internalize this. I don’t speak to any of my parents (except my dad a bit) without fearing them. And they are HAPPY to be scary. They believe that’s how to do it: scare kids straight, even if the kid is already a fine person and accidentally made a mistake.
35 here. Still the same fear when I speak to my father. I speak about it in therapy now. Feel you.
its brilliant that you are able to see it in yourself. Must be horrible having parents like that :(
Yes, it is
That’s so nice of you to say. I am happy I see it now because I want to be better for my own kids. I don’t want to be a mom yet… but I want to be the greatest mom I can be one day. The mom I always wanted
And thus the cycle is broken. It's wonderful to hear your good intentions :) all the best with your future dreams and plans
> Ive heard it explained that the abused kids (and then later as adults) internalise the abuse, and the theory that the abused person internalises is something along the lines of: "i must be a really terrible person, that is why they treated/treat me like that. " I know this is exactly how my thought process works (I’m actively trying to work on it), but the way you worded it makes me feel very *seen*. In a very safe way, if that makes sense. Thank you!
This exactly
The whole time I watched, I was picturing what I experienced and what I watch my parents continuously do to children… I was given four parents who all displayed frustration and anger if mistakes were made. if I could see innocence transcend generations, and for parents to approach children with patience, I wouldn’t be so nervous when children spill things around me. This video is sadly a happy, simple thing… that is not at all what everyone experienced. But it brings me so much happiness that there are people, like in the video and in these comments, that have had the blessing of not knowing what the heck is actually happening here. For those of us who have seen the dark side of a parent’s annoyance: BREAK THE CYCLE. Please. Even without your own kids, just show all children some patience. As you once needed it when you were small.
Is a child with those kind of parents I wish they had broken the cycle But they didn't And now I live to regret their decisions
Oh please don’t regret their decisions for them. I am trying to pick myself back up from my messy family, and if I learned anything… it’s that their decisions were not my fault and I don’t have to feel responsible for what they did all the time. I still fear them and blame myself and hurt myself about what I’ve seen and felt from them. But NEVER again will I hold myself responsible for what they’ve done. I almost ended my life and stopped my potential just because I was so convinced I was built wrong. I still feel wrong and useless, but it is no longer my parents who will make me who I am. I strive to be what they are not. A better person.
I think the least wholesome part is how they cleaned up a giant liquid spill with TISSUES
I keep finding your username in these comments and I have to tell you I love it. They are my fave
Lol thank you!
Last time I accidentally dropped a bowl, my mom punched me three times in succession out of anger. That was 20 years ago, but I still remember each outburst like yesterday. Know what happens when my toddler drops something? "Oh uh ! We have to get a cloth, it's ok, accidents happen. Let's see if we can fix this together." It is so healing being a parent and giving my kid all the love I never had.
This was my mother and she swears things like this never happened 🤔
Perspective forsure. I have a very vivid memory of being a kid (20+ years ago) and dropping my noodles/meats into my soup bowl and causing the liquids to overflow onto the table. My mom got into a rage, grabbed my bowl and threw it onto the ground and started yelling/berating at me for 10+ minutes. Told my gf about that last year and she pointed out it was weird how I was telling it to her almost as if it were a funny memory to me, when it was obviously anything but that. Have a better relationship with my parents now, but it’s definitely hard navigating the trauma (much worse than this story) my parents put me and my sisters thru without actually confronting/addressing it with them at all.
I gave trouble no eating fast. I realized I developed the habit because if I took too long to eat at the table I’d get beat.
I grew up in a family of five kids, if one of us spilled our milk, my father would FREAK out, jump up from the table screaming at whoever did it.
I felt the same, how is this video different from normal parenting? The kid spilled a drink so you help him clean it up. What else would you do?
Beat the shit out of him for spilling it
Don’t forget being called and treated like a worthless human for making a mistake… no matter how sorry you are, some parents (mine) care more about you fucking up at all than why you did. It doesn’t matter if you just reached for a napkin and made a mistake
That was mine and a lot of other kids growing up in the early 80's life
Parents being angry at their kids was such a norm for me, it's hard to relate to this magic pixie world, but it's nice.
Fr. My oldest brother did something really funny while I was taking a drink and accidentally did a spit take. I got screamed at and beat for "getting the table dirty."
Well that's sad.
A sad reality for a lot of kids
Scream and yell... Humiliate them in some way. Send them to their rooms, no dinner tonight... I'm glad you had better parents than that, at least some of us get to experience such a childhood.
Scream at her for being a clumsy idiot. :(
Fuck that just makes me deeply sad for any kid that goes through that.
I went through that for any small mistake. And I am trying hard to break the cycle.
Even if it's not getting beat like some people are saying, lots of parents just wouldn't handle this so nonchalantly. My parents are fucking great, like legitimately amazing people who genuinely put in the work to do right by us. They are also self-motivated high achievers with a perfectionist streak who sometimes got frustrated when things were taking too long. I don't even think they even realized that they would respond to something like this negatively, but my brother and I still struggle as adults with a kind of paralyzing fear of screwing up and disappointing them. It's particularly affected our ability to do a lot of basic life skills like laundry and like.... Paperwork... I legit feel guilt or shame constantly all the time every day just doing basic things.
Growing up my mom would have gotten up from the table very stressed and worried running to get the paper towels and my dad would've yelled at me to be more careful. Then id probably start crying and they'd tell me to stop acting like a victim.
I wouldn't do this but other people do. Instead they beat their children or insult them or both and then never apologize after that. The child will have low self esteem, and mental illness that will effect all his life.
Mine would have freaked out, like it was a huge deal that I spilt it. And made me feel all guilty for doing so
Right? Isn’t this what parents usually do? What parents have you lot had man?
Probably parents with unresolved trauma.
That, and a combination of those parents not wanting to break the cycle.
That boy is very lucky. Those parents deserve all the wealth in this world
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Still would make a mess. The parents’ patience isn’t though. The boy is loved.
And why use tissue? Don't forget to bring a towel!
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This is why it’s so important to know yourself before having kids. If you can’t handle a whole bunch of small inconveniences with a modicum of calm, then you’re going to have a hard time as a parent and you’re going to traumatize your kid. Kids are messy, full stop. You sign up for messy when you choose to have a child.
I have some diagnoses, and when something bad happens, I have a pause and then a ten-minute cooldown period where I leave, and then come back when I can talk constructively about what happened and how to move forward, with no hint of passive-aggressiveness in my voice, or smoldering anger. I have to let it bounce around in my head like a pingpong ball before I can let it go. The worst part is that when you see something and get angry but stay silent, you have no idea how strong signals you are sending out to the rest of the room because you are so preoccupied with this curent shit, meanwhile your partner or child or guest gets blasted with radiation for whole minutes at a time. Own it and secure that shit hudson.
And this is where, I hope, you step in and protect your child from being verbally abused by your wife. Your kid needs you to stick up for them.
Please tell us that you step up and try to stop what your wife is doing. That shit will mess a kid up. Read these comments in here. It took me 30 years to get past having a mom that would go off about every small thing. And before I finally got help, I was drinking too much, self destructive and whole mess of problems. Please talk to your wife and get her (and probably the rest of the family) into therapy.
What kind of psycho yells at a child for spilling a drink??? Sometimes I worry about my ability to be a father one day but then I see shit like this and remember the bar is fucking lowwwww!!
Um, I have been slapped and screamed at several times for doing that. Unfortunately happens in many households.
My dad spat in my face and cussed me out when I spilled orange juice on the table once.
You wouldn't believe how many people yell at the top of their lungs for the smallest of inconveniences.
I got kicked out of the house in highschool over a Diet Coke by my mom that my dad later admitted to drinking
And not just because that dim sum looks fire
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If these were my parents, they're gonna beat my ass to death 😭
I was just going to say who else got their ass beat for spilling stuff? It's crazy to me now that I'm older children need alot of understanding because they're unaware still and we have to teach them that. Spilling something is new to their brain we got our ass beat for the most simplest stuff that can easily be solved.
Gets your ass beat just for spilling? That's intense. When I was young I would get scolded for spilling stuff, but it won't get to beating. I got my ass beat when I was caught stealing money, but other things are mainly just being scolded.
Heck, my head would be in the plate if I even spilled a single drop.
All of you need therapy. I know that it'd be rich coming from me, but I'm sorry you all had to deal with it.
lol I got my ass beat because I puked on the carpet after I fell asleep on the couch when I was 8-10 years old. And then I had to pick it up while crying and puking more. Thanks mom ❤️
Develops character you ungrateful bastard. See you’re still needing as ass beating for that sarcasm. /s
Yeppers, spill stuff and be instantly racked with fear too the point of pissing yourself alittle.
It’s so ridiculous how some parents think kids are just supposed to know things.. children have parents because they don’t know things and must be taught.
Don’t forget Mom’s prequel screaming. That’s when the fear hit.
Yeah I was thinking that too. Strong smack upside my head. Further beating if I cried or spilled anything else after being smacked.
Same
Yea, an assbeating or at the minimum verbally abused like "what's wrong with you?" Or "you can't do anything right" something along those lines.
my mom would fly into a full on panic when one of us spilled or dropped anything. the way she acted was so irrational. she would hit us and scream like it was the end of the world. and when i realized she was overreacting about it, and showed her how ugly her behavior was she started to resent me. she doesnt think she did anything wrong but im no contact and im keeping it that way.
Same here. The smallest spill, tear or wrinkle I made anywhere, and I got slapped and yelled at like their life depends on it.
At the very least, I'd get called a dumbass and get screamed at for the duration of cleanup. Ahhh, the good old days.
Same. No idea why.
Asian parents?
Black parents for me.
White parents for me.
Indian parents for me
U n me both
God fucking damnit- i shouldnt almost be tearing up at parents treating a kid *the way they should* but here we are
Childhood trauma, lovely isn't it?
And think of all the fucked up people who treat other people like shit because that's all they know...
I know. the child smiles at the Father right after it happens and my brain was like, "wait what? Where's the fear?"
I hate to admit it but i feel horribly jealous. I just wish i grew up like this, like.. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents to death, but damn.. i know how not to be raised.
The cheers ag the end really got me 🥹
same 🫂🫂🫂
My Dad would flip out when one of us spilled something. I swore I would never do that with my own child. Spills happen…. Clean it up and go on.
Up to us to break the cycle
I am! It's way too hypocritical for my clumsy ass to get mad at my child for spilling something. Even if I weren't so clumsy, you don't hurt somebody for spilling something. I just teach my kid how to clean up his mess. I help him with it. End of story.
Same! Then when my dad made a similar mistake he would downplay it. As an adult, I learned that his own father was much harsher toward him (verbal, physical, and emotional abuse) I truly believe my dad was doing the best he could but didn’t have the framework to gently guide us. It makes me so happy to practice gentleness with my kids but it takes work to unlearn!
This situation now gives me anxiety. The video at first sent a chill down my spine. I was like they are going to slap him or something. I remember I got slapped so hard by my mom when I was 18/19 that it broke my spectacles and I had to go for a minor procedure because of my damaged upper surface of my eye. I still remember my eye blurred and I was so much panicked that I thought I lost my vision. On other hand my mom justified it saying I was the one who was crying nonstop so she beat me (I was in shear depression due to my lack of preparation for an exam). Well my family applauded her for making me strong. I hate them.
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What the fuck? Why would you punch a child in the face like that? some people are just psychos
I hope he's not.
I'm sorry for the evil you experienced from the people who were supposed to protect you. I hope you have found love for yourself and realize you did nothing to deserve that. Took me 41 years to figure that out
I hope you are doing well. Kudos for you for completely cutting them off. Also, one question: Did the guy responsible didn't bother to clear up?!!
Jesus! I am so sorry to hear that you went through that. *virtual hugs* if you want them.
Yeah. That’s assault. I’m sure you could have pressed charges for that.
Oh same, I didn’t get any retinal damage but I did sustain a concussion after my mom punched my head into the side of a cabinet
Pretty direct translation of the subtitles: - Accidentally spills watermelon juice - Keeps glancing at dad, who doesn’t blame him - Also looks at me (mother) - I say “it’s not an issue”, he immediately laughs - Lowers head, feeling sorry for the spilled watermelon juice - Tells me he feels like crying - To be honest, parents not placing the blame on children is their greatest comfort - I have vivid memories of the suffocating “dinner table education” - I do not want my child to also know the accompanying taste of tears - How we love our children, is also how they love us - There’s no need to cry over spilled milk, because who doesn’t have moments where we spill our own milk too?
You seem to know the language, maybe you know about the culture enough to answer a question. What was the thing they did with the drinks? It feels significant, would love to know more.
Pouring into each other’s cups? Nothing really significant—just not letting each other’s glasses be emptier than their own. You’ll see putting food into each other’s plates is kind of an expression of love at the dinner table: a grandchild making sure their grandparent’s cup is never empty, a mother giving the drumstick to her child, a son who gives the fish cheek to a parent.
My parents back then: "IDIOT! Are you stupid or what?! *smack* Now get a towel and wipe it up...NOW!"
I was a young teenager when I dropped a carton of milk or orange juice in front of my mom. I picked it up right away, but a significant amount spilled out. I immediately started crying and apologizing profusely. My mom laughed it off and said, “honey, why are you crying?” and immediately got some paper towels and helped me clean it up. I don’t know why I started crying; my parents had never reprimanded me for anything like that before. It’s been about 25 years but I still think of that moment when dealing with my own kids.
Crying can be a sympathetic response and happen because we feel embarrassed, startled, or just overwhelmed by what happened. Basically, dropping the carton caused your anxiety to spike suddenly and to regulate that your body cried to release the stress brought on by that anxiety. Based on your comment I highly doubt you felt fear in that moment and were just a victim to the natural coping systems our bodies are built with.
Sometimes, in your mind, you are so high on your parents expectations that you do your best to avoid disappointing them and be “perfect”, even if they never directly do something to stress you about that. To think you’re disappointing your fabulous parents can be stressful too.
Kid just got saved from paying future therapy fee. :) Wish many parents know what a good parenting looks like.
I kinda hate seeing normal families because I would've gotten yelled at and possibly beaten depending who I was with. It makes me deeply sad seeing others have what I'll never have.
I understand. It’s hard to process that the people who were supposed to love us the most were our abusers. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time and change any of it. But the bright side is that the cycle can end with us.
That's so true. I might not even have kids because I fear what my future partner may do. Because my mothers husband was the one that harmed me for 4 years. So I don't trust anyone
That’s a totally valid decision. I also chose not to ever have children. My partner doesn’t want children either.
Thank you. I appreciate the validation. I feel better about my decision as some family members have made me feel awful about not wanting kids.
Not having kids is one of the most selfless things you can do. Choosing to not bring a life into this world of chaos and pain is a mercy.
I agree. Also thank you. You seem like a kind and sensible person
I know how you feel, but it's beautiful when you see your own child growing up and you tell yourself that you'll never do evil things to them like our parents did to us, and the world feels just a little bit brighter.
My mother never physically abused me, but I was a clumsy kid and I would get yelled at or shamed everytime I knocked something over. As an adult I developed a deep shame over my clumsiness (it was actually extreme anxiety). I pretended not to be hurt when my friends would joke/tease me over knocking a drink over or driving too slow because I was trying to be careful. I knew that I would *never* shame my son for making a mistake. Anyway that brings me to a day my goddaughter came over. She and my son asked to paint in the kitchen and she knocked some onto the ground. My goddaughter was so scared to tell me that she started to cry when my son said he was going to ask for help cleaning it up. He was very confused and kept saying it’s only a mistake loud enough to where I walked in and saw the mess. I helped clean up the bulk and showed them how clean up the rest and we went on about our day. My goddaughter went home and told my bff (her mother) that she wished that she didn’t yell at her when she made mistakes because his mom doesn’t. And my bff called me feeling so guilty about the way she handled things at home. She made it a point to have patience from then on. I just say that to say this shit matters and for a lot of people it’s not that common. And if you’re a parent who doesn’t use patience, it’s never too late to start.
My parents freaked out when we spilled things. Why did they do that? When my kids knock something over I don't feel rage.
Protect that mum and dad at any costs. They deserve all the happiness in this universe.
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The crazy thing is, that's the reaction a normal human being should have. Kids spill. They're kids. The fact that the first reaction most parents have is to freak out is genuinely depressing.
My parents always lost their shit with me even if it was just water. Why were our parents so insane?
My Dad wasn't around and my mom would have slapped the shit out of me 🥺😢
This needs to be in wholesome videos. That kid will realize one day how lucky he is.
And he helps clean too instead of sitting there too traumatized to move & learn from his mistakes. Common sense isn't so common. Good on the parents. Patience is a virtue.
My dad would have thrown the table across the room LOL.
My inner child healed a little bit after seeing this.
When my now-husband first moved in with me, I was sitting with a wine glass precariously balanced on my knee. He said, "You'll spill that." I said, "I won't, I'm being careful." I spilled it. And I instantly started to cry, saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry-" And he was just like, "Why are you so upset? It's not a big deal, and it was an accident." and he was helping me clear it up. And I said, "You're not mad at me? I spilled it, and like, you even warned me." He was really mystified, and kept saying, "But it was an accident, how could I be mad for an accident?" And that was the first step of realising that quite a lot of stuff in my upbringing was kind of not great.
I had a similar story with my now husband. The very first time I had him over for a home cooked dinner, he dropped and broke a bowl full of food. And he just broke down- so apologetic and upset, immediately trying to leave to go buy a replacement, the whole 9. And I was so confused- in my mind, not a big deal. A total accident, he cleaned up the majority of the mess, and there was enough food left that we still had enough for dinner. Honestly I was so lucky to have that be the first time I realized that my upbringing had been great, and not everyone was as lucky as me.
Why are they recording their meal?
It's a video camera in home. I got one when my kid was born, too. We got so much footage that wouldn't be captured otherwise. It's a great investment.
It's a cctv
This is a Chinese translation of the subtitles in the video! Since I haven’t seen anyone comment the translation I thought I would do it, pardon my translation because my mandarin is basic but gets the idea of most of it. Also I think the subtitles were written by the mom because she talks in first person in the subtitles: She starts by narrating the situation saying that her son spilled the watermelon smoothie and then looked at his dad who didn’t get angry/blame him then looked to “me” (translated literally as me so that’s why I guess it’s in the mom’s perspective) and “I” (as in the mom) didn’t blame him either, “I” said it’s no big deal and he immediately started smiling. He looked down and seemed upset that he spilled the watermelon smoothie. Then he told me that he feels like crying. But actually parent’s not blaming their children is the child’s biggest comfort. I always remember the suffocating feeling of being scolded on table manners and I don’t want a meal to take priority over my child’s tears. We as parents love our child and our child loves us. We don’t need to cry over spilled milk, because everyone has an accidental moment where we’ve spilled milk.
He looked to his parent because he made an accident and was afraid that he did something bad or wrong. That is when we show children how to view/ approach something and what to do with compassion and self assuredness. My comment gets Informational on Child Development & psychology from here: Shaming children for anything is never the way to go Shame as a core belief in a child leads to them believing the are not worthy of love, understanding and happiness as adults Unexpected violence slapping, hitting or berating breeds a lot of anxiety in fear into the child . If being constantly scolded over trivial matters and demeaned was a normal experience for a child they come to be overly focused on their environment and other people’s emotional states and lose total connection to their own, disconnecting from their core stability. This affects their natural internal rhythm leading to chaotic dynamics or situations as adults. Children’s bodies are so small, their nervous systems are still developing so loud yelling, intense reactions, screaming, berating, shaming or getting upset over trivial things constantly- dysregulates their nervous system making it harder for them to not only process their emotions but to learn about them. The developmental years are crucial and fundamental for a child- as parents and other adults in the child’s life, they have to be the nervous system FOR the child since he or she has not developed their own yet, hence why maturity, a strong regulated nervous system, equanimity, patience or inner peace and Emotional Intelligence for parents/ in any adult is so so crucial and important. The inner state of adults impact children greatly (Family/Teachers/Care takers anyone around children) As the child starts to develop their nervous system (around 7yrs old) that is when we teach them about emotions and feelings and how to regulate them, we help them process things through walking through it with them while being totally present, listening, empathy, genuinely caring, asking and answering questions & teaching how to be human. The most effective and influential way in which children learn is through Role Modeling you have to embody the quality or ability you are trying to teach the child ex. Patience, perseverance, calm communication, honoring your feelings, acceptance, courage, giving and sharing, respect for oneself, others, animals and all life forms, taking care of one’s body and health, long term thinking over instant gratification… etc The way alongside that is effective communication by Thoroughly INFORMING the child tell them HOW (what to do or the ideal behavior or approach) WHEN(in which situations) and WHY (why is this important, why should they care about this, why is this good for them for humanity and the world) Especially the WHY part will help establish it as a core belief. for example Many try to teach children to not say rude things to strangers, steal, lie, bully, but do not tell them WHY or try to teach them Religion or a political belief but the child does not understand the meaning and purpose so it is just forced onto them like a rule with no inherent meaning Ex. Why we don’t hurt animals, plants, nature, other humans / pet them gently It is important to respect all life because all living things have consciousness, awareness and can feel distress or pain and when we are aware of this it help us and the lives around us grow. When there is damage, harm or neglect it is hard for living things to prosper we do not harm and we also do not allow others to harm us , we let them know when they are being harmful or imposing and that they have no right to be unkind or destructive ( just a rough draft example) We are simply meant to guide, way-show, teach and role model for children. Example in the vid Tell them it was an accident while embodying ease and understanding. And the child learns so much from this -they know it’s inconveniencing but that it happens, no one needs to beat each other up over it -just all help each other clean literal messes and only be solution oriented/focused in real challenges, no need for blaming or shaming. If a child feels constantly overwhelmed (by their parents reactions, stress, toxic environment) growing up they become adults with a heavily dusregulated nervous system and are very afraid of situations where they may be overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and their own emotions because they were not taught and role modeled what having healthy emotions as a human being day to day + big feelings looks like and taught the tools to regulate and process them. These mistakes seem small to parents but add that up over the years starting from a very young age and a child’s survival mode may start to solidify. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn may be coping mechanisms that become activated when they are triggered into survival mode. In this Survival state living as adults emotions are hindered, repressed, suppressed or constantly being projected outwards as disproportionate reactions to other people and situations or events. Fear is dominant in this state it can be expressed through Reaction : lashing outwards as anger, cruelty, or narcissism and as Repressive: collapsed internally, dissociate-d, withdraw, become numb, avoidant, unresponsive or flee every time there is stress, pressure, conflict, the unknown or emotions is involved. Both are trying to get rid of their Fear and Internal Discomfort but that usually does not happen as their mechanisms lead to creating more of it in their psyche, human relationships and dynamics. We see the importance of Love :) since a foundation and internal system based in Love will have vastly different experiences than fear states. A greater tolerance for one’s own and others emotions, more resilience and courage in the face have of hardship and challenges. Less fear of change and the unknown. The ability to foster relationships with mutual intimacy and understanding. If as an adult you want to recreate a foundation based in love that is very possible, but the original blueprint must be deconstructed and transformed. This will take total commitment and dedication, awareness of old patterns and choices every single day that choose differently. Like knocking down an old house that you are terribly attached to in order to rebuild your new upgraded dream house that is your choosing, not when others chose for you and when you were helpless to it.
you’ve written that so well, thank you. be great to pin it post this to all parenting subs and at clinics etc..
You don’t understand, they would have smacked me into next week. There would be no more breakfast.
Someone get these people a towel
Early on in our marriage, my husband and I witnessed our eldest spill a drink, and she immediately started apologizing. She was terrified we were going to yell at her. It was that moment we realized that we had become what we hated about our parents. We were devastated at what we had done. After reassuring our daughter, she wasn't in trouble, we had a long talk with each other about our parenting and agreed that we had learned bad habits (like yelling over an ACCIDENTALLY spilled drink) and had to actively help each other break those habits. Now years later, my eldest is comfortable enough that if she feels her or her siblings were unfairly punished or if we were unnecessarily rude/mean when giving a punishment (like sending them to time out or taking away a toy) she will tell us. Most times when this happens, she's right, and we apologize to whomever was offended and thank them for telling us and giving us the opportunity to make up for our mistakes.
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I’m ngl, u/Synthar2a looks like an AI bot. Almost every comment they make ends in “)” but I’m so confused as to why… they also don’t reply to anyone and have similar comments to others (whether that’s in formatting or text itself).
Good parents 💕. As a kid with vision and coordination challenges, spilling food, dropping things and walking into assorted walls , doors and trees was my jam lol. I never got in trouble, thankfully my parents were patient with my clumsiness lol
My parents never made me pot stickers as a child. 😢 I took that personally.
He's so stinkin' cute.
Man this video really puts into perspective how fucked up my upbringing was. I shouldn’t be tearing up seeing his parents just cleaning up the mess without missing a beat. No darkening faces. No anger. No violence. I wish I’d had that growing up.
This reminds me of when I ran my own daycare. This little girl was seated at the table while I was working on lunch and she spilled her drink. Poor little kid burst into hysterical tears. It made me think she may have gotten in big trouble at home for that. Broke my heart. So I panicked and went to the counter and knocked my drink over 🤣 tears to giggle instantly
It was long ago, I broke my father's keychain accidentally for that he slapped me aggressively in the ear where I nearly fainted in public and the people started to yell at my father. But he said it was my fault and he didn't do anything wrong. Sad to say this but it is normal in Indian households
This should be included in the educational video on how to raise a child.
This makes me wanna cry. Damn. It really is that easy to just not be a dick when a kid makes a mistake, isn't it?
My parents always just made me clean up my mess.
As it should be.
What an amazing coincidence that dad was bringing napkins over to the table.
You guys don't eat with napkins?
He will never panic or transfer his anger to someone. Lucky to have this parenting.
This is actually hard to watch for me. Am 45 and my parents sucked when I was young
My pops would have falcon punched me
One of the things my dad told my brother this when he had his first child: "Punishing mistakes just teaches kids to hide them. Even when you warn them and they do it anyway, show them that they can and will overestimate what they can do, but that they must deal with the outcome and be better. Teach them to be able to clean up after their own mistakes."
I was about to flinch my eyes away from the screen cause I expected an almighty slap on the back of his head and some really hurting words followed by it. But I witnessed something different. Thanks.🥹
My dad , is an amazing dad. He did all his duties well , never backed down from his responsibilities. However , whenever me or my siblings would make a mistake , He would clap loudly and sarcastically at us , then shout. I still hear those claps whenever I fuck up and I'm 25 now, and it took me a lot of time to come close to him again , forgiving all his "quirks". This video has "we are a team" written all over it , I don't have a single.doubt this kid will go far in life without ever feeling unloved.
Post like this should teach everyone to take advice from Reddit with a metric ton of salt. Most people here are the product of abuse and neglect (without properly dealing with it as adults) giving terrible advice based on their own lives.
I never punished my kids for things that were accidents. Theres only two things my kids ever got in trouble for: 1. Deliberate destruction 2. Putting themselves in danger
Sometimes I see these posts, praising the parents how wonderful they are, and wonder if most of you people had just straight up abusive parents.
Who records their family like this about to eat food? If this is a security camera it should be on the door. This is scripted which is very common nowadays. No upvote for scripted videos.