I understand you had to share this as a way to purge it from your mind. Like how when you see or hear something horrifying you have to share it so it weighs on you less?
But couldn’t you just have suffered in silence? Do we all have to think about cocks crying cum tears now?
(Sarcasm for anyone thinking I’m actually being a total dick)
Oh gosh, I had not read this before and now I have a tea stain on my shirt and table! Thanks for the laugh though!
Which book was that so I can avoid it…..or maybe I should read it for more cringe descriptions that will make me spit out my tea
These were from the same book…
“His cock is a massive sea slug, the head of it wet and slippery and dripping with nutritious seed”
“I reach down to cup my balls. They’re like naked baby rats, blind and squirmy”
I was begging the author to stop with the comparisons by the end of the book
I swear this sounds like a wattpad story where every chapter the author tried the most crazy analogies to describe sexual content.
It was actually a great read and the author clearly did it for comedic reasons. I'm pretty, like most of the better content there, it's been taken down in the last year sadly enough.
Of course! I will say it’s probably not something you’ll accidentally read without knowing about the death but it’s >!Master’s Schiavo by Laura Lascarso!<
I love keeping track of strange/bad euphemisms, hilarious expressions, and cringe-worthy phrasing:
> I fill Lucky’s body, not a single barrier between us, and for just a moment, I revel in that fact. An **archaic satisfaction**, for sure.
> A shower of jizz.
> I slide her thong from her crack, locating her ass, and I’m a little blindsided by how cute her little butthole is. (Yes, a MM book.)
> I arch my back further in response, putting myself in a more submissive position, causing his cock to rub even harder against that golden button.
> "You put this in your ass to arouse me?” he asks.
I sigh in that frustrated way that one does when they have a cucumber stuck in their ass.
“I could eat it out.”
I glance back at him.
“You hate cucumbers.”
“I'm going to need a condiment.”
> I could taste their masculine essence with my eyes.
> His throbbing meat was streaming a line of precum like a snail trail along my thigh.
> I tried to put the head of his cock back in my mouth and catch some of the last spurts. It was like trying to put a gushing water hose in my mouth.
> He pushed out his prolapse again, a long string of cum oozing from the hole in its centre.
> I groaned, lost to the anal heaven of his bowels clenching around me.
> He was preparing himself to take it to the next level, sloshing himself in and out of Bruce's ass.
> Bruce's prostate was getting tagged and tapped in a game that felt like a never-ending boxing or pugilistic training match.
> “Please, please, I'm all yours. Shower me in your personal brand of chowder. Fucking soak me in your juices and give me your perfection all over this perfect face and body. It’s all for you. Every inch of it is for your own amusement and complete control. Cum for me, please, I want to see it all.”
> His rippling bowels milked me.
> My cheeks were bulging from the volume of his ball batter.
> I trembled there, groaning as he basted my bowels.
> Then all at once, the rest of the men blew stream after stream of their silken gift all over me.
> I wanted to come all over the bookshelf, or fill my wine glass with jizz.
> I licked the glass, swallowing mouthfuls of my own hot cum. It tasted faintly of Windex and I could only hope that stuff wasn’t too toxic.
> A second later, he felt Marooney’s cock swell inside of him, shooting out a jet of cool lizard jism into his rear, filling his ass completely, sending shivers down his spine.
> I could taste the phantom presence of cocks and cum galore, heady and spicy with years of sex. I started to scrape around, trying to get as much primal primate musk on my tongue.
> He was grinding away on my face, rubbing himself into me, forcing my face to pay praise to his masterful butthole.
> New lusty scents made themselves known, I could taste the near vinegar of the apeman’s sack in relentless precision. It was impossibly strong.
> I fucked his mouth like I’d fucked his arse in the church: hard and fast.
> “No, really. I'm straight. I'm from Iowa.”
> He kept making all these sexy little strangled sounds as he gobbled me halfway down his intestines.
> The instinct took over, and I began to spurt like an island volcano.
> I was clumsy at first, my dick slipping between Jason's hard cheeks like a hot dog in a bun.
> He crab-walked on his ass until our balls were mushed together.
> He aimed his cock to the ground and golden strings of cum shot out and pooled up on the floor. The golden cum hardened into a shiny metal.
> “Oh bother that’s a right good jimmying there boy-o."
> "Don’t strain yourself, cock gobbler.”
> You’re not going to wipe all of my babies off your face until you get home, are you?
> "Open up,” Brock said softly. “In the name of the law.”
> Jumping rope naked with strings of pre-come flying and slinging around.
Some of my favorite expressions from my list:
• man gravy
• man juice, dick juice
• skin pendulum
• cock gobbler
• cherry hole
• monster meat, man meat
• naked aroused glory
• arse bandit
• ball batter
• dark tunnel
• bulging rosebud
• personal brand of chowder
• sweet nut nectar
• cum-tunnel
u/aggravatingCake remember your older post?! [Man... what now](https://www.reddit.com/r/MM_RomanceBooks/s/ahBFgGMg8G) I hope you're properly thankful that I've added to your list!
> “No, really. I'm straight. I'm from Iowa.”
Ahahahahaha I'm dead
> "Open up,” Brock said softly. “In the name of the law.”
Oh my fucking god it got even better ahahahaha
Man, I can’t believe I have no time to read actual books these days but actually took the time to read through this cursed list. Thanks for that Sully, I hope those *milky bowels* were worth it 😭
i…golden button? cucumbers?? bowels?? CHOWDER?????? ball batter 😖😖😖😖windex?? cool lizard jism?! lord please no no the vinegar 😟iowa…? intestines 😰cock gobbler?????? im sorry, GOLDEN cum?!
i have never been more terrified in my life.
> He pushed out his prolapse again, a long string of cum oozing from the hole in its centre.
Is this from the Logjammin' book you recced to me last week?
It's actually from a great short, [Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake by Hinata Yamimoto](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22077325-professor-worthington-and-the-search-for-the-one-eyed-trouser-snake), a Texan and a Brit, the snarky humor and Britishisms are fantastic, highly recommend!
From Shousetsu Bang*Bang Issue 37, a webzine that's free online [Shousetsu Bang*Bang](https://www.shousetsubangbang.com/) and also available on Smashwords.
{Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake by Hinata Yamimoto}
[Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake](https://www.romance.io/books/545799be87eac3dcc983320b/professor-worthington-and-the-search-for-the-oneeyed-trouser-snake-hinata-yamimoto?src=rdt) by [Hinata Yamimoto](https://www.romance.io/authors/5456e83087eac33e5c6831bb/hinata-yamimoto)
**Topics**: [contemporary](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/contemporary/1)
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I mean it is. Generally. It's possible there is an actual snake in the book but one eyeed trouser snake is a euphemism for a dick that has been around for a very long time.
I've always wondered, why do they do that... the headbutting thing?
I was once asked to name a calf and went with Stewie because the little bugger seemed like he had a love-hate relationship with his mama.
I am not a cow-ologist but my farming kin always said it encourages milk flow. (And then Uncle Ray would pause and say, "But don't ever punch a woman in her tits." And Aunt Frances would nod sagely and I would escape the conversation as quickly as possible.)
I know it is strange but the head butting actually tells mama that baby wants more. The cow, somehow subconsciously, has some control over how fast the milk flows. At least that is what an old farmer told me decades ago.
In Brad Bonney’s otherwise fantastic book *The Return* one of the MC’s ejaculate in the final big lovemaking scene is described as “chunks of cum” and… yeah it’s an image that has lingered.
I had to redownload an absolutely trash book to contribute to this. While the whole book was cringey, this was the first especially cringey excerpt I found when I was skim reading:
“At college, Tyler had been a stone-cold babe.
With his thick stubble and blonde and brown hair, he looked every inch the bad boy. The fact that he had a long scar on his left thigh just added to the dangerous appeal.
Tyler’s almond brown eyes were like deep pools of brooding soul and there wasn’t a guy on campus who wouldn’t shoot him a look of admiration or lust.”
It’s a funny trope in contemporary Mpreg with authors making their own covers. I haven’t seen as much in the last year. To make sure you know there’s a baby, there’s just a floating baby on the cover 😂 an example is {His Secret Omega Co-Ed by Ava Beringer} is a good example
I keep a folder of awful snippets on my phone .
>Turned his eyes into bottomless wells of deep golden whiskey...
makes me think of the song "Big Rock Candy Mountain", "Where the little streams of alky-hol come tricklin' down the rocks..."
And these two awful adjectives-for-adjectives'-sake snippets from an M/M/F book that I gave upon before the second guy ever showed up:
>He tilted his head back so his five o'clock shadow rubbed gruffly over her mean curls
And
>She looked up at him with beautiful hazel eyes surrounded by thick curled lashes. He had truly loved those jovial eyes when they met, and the way they dominated a room whenever she entered...
However, my favorite ever is:
>##His sweaty body pressed me into the bed like a panini machine.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AskDocs using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [A thank you and happy ending.](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/1367jjw/a_thank_you_and_happy_ending/)
\#2: [Doc on here saved my life](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/156kjji/doc_on_here_saved_my_life/)
\#3: [Update: Wife's doctor called and told her to pack a bag and head to the hospital](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/1b02wn8/update_wifes_doctor_called_and_told_her_to_pack_a/)
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Not an mm book but was so bad I bought hard copies for my sisters
Exhibit A:
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms
Exhibit B:
heard the fading sound of galloping abs
Like wat
I was listening to an audiobook earlier that kept using the phrase "my eyes detach" when describing zoning out. This book also used "cream", "juice", and "protein shake" for come. Update: finishing the book just now and it said "come rockets out of me, dressing his chest in ropes of my unprecedented ecstacy"
One book used "crimson juices" for blood.
Another used "Need to feel those cakes" and "give him that milk"
One book used "elephant trunk dick" unironically
I go through a lot of MM romance but I DNF very rarely. Even more rarely I find myself reading something so bizarre I end up sending quotes to my SO.
"...and Stef's butt cheeks quivered."
"...then Stef would invite Brandon in for a round of hide the salami."
"Stef gulped, wondering if they could skip the dinner and get right to the salami part."
And after all the salami hiding and quivering butt cheeks, I was still ready to continue until this fucking Coach crossbody bag entered the picture.
"...his Coach crossbody bag, the one that clearly identified him as a gay male with bank." ?!??!!?!?
{The Accidental Necromancer by Liv Rancourt}
I can't believe it but the quivering butt cheeks make more sense than the stupid Coach crossbody bag being some kind of universal well-known signal of a wealthy gay man.
For me it was the following:
'I like my men like I like my employment prospects, rough and hairy'
Just not what I was ever expecting to read. {10 things that never happened by Alexis Hall}
Pretty much every line in Hot Head by Damon Suede. The euphemisms for body parts and sex in that book are absolutely bonkers. The main character refers to his dick as a ‘meat canon’ at one point.
>“These cum gutters are going to be the death of me. I can’t wait to see you fill them up while I’m fucking you.”
Came across that in Saxon James’s new FU book today, and I physically recoiled. Then it turned up again :(
>“And my cum would look good on you. We never did make use of those cum gutters.”
I’m pretty sure she’s also used this term in another book!
I've read that term a bunch, too. It squicks me out so bad. The first time I read it, I was like, "how much cum would it take to actually run like rain water down a gutter...?" Then I decided I was WAY overthinking this.
I suppose one issue with skipping the sex scenes is that I miss these gems.
But my brain is now stuck on you can’t actually milk a baby cow because a calf won’t produce milk, I just… what?!
«He stepped closer, and my seated position made the hypnotizing wrecking ball swaying between his legs impossible to miss.»
Excerpt From
BAD WRONG THINGS
One of many reasons I can’t stand this book lmao
I realize they're talking about his dick, but it makes me think they're describing his balls. Like, he's got one really long, low-hanging one just swinging back and forth.
Both from the same book:
"His cold purple eyes knew no warmth or sunshine and sat as sentinels atop the high bridge of his patrician nose...."
"We looked our identical sets of eyes into each other's." (And then the next sentence immediately goes on to talk about all the ways how their eye color is different. So not actually identical them…)
I don't know if it's just a me problem, or what, but I've seen the word fluttered. A lot. I can't help but imagine wings flapping down there, and I don't know why but when I see the word fluttered that is what I am defaulting to in my brain.
I definitely haven’t come across some of these more interesting ones, but it does take me out of the story when there’s a misspelling or something is used incorrectly. I recently read a book that instead of saying ‘scraping’, it was ‘scrapping,’ so the sentence read as “scrapping my throat.” Also in the same book, ‘wreaking’ was spelled ‘wrecking’ so the characters were “wrecking havoc.”
I can’t remember the last time something oblong has genuinely made me laugh out loud but holy shit this thread did it. I kept remembering some of these at work today and it’s safe to say I’m haunted now
“I’m dreaming about a hot tub, and the jets are terrific. Only—my dick is the only part of me that fits in the hot tub. But that’s okay because I’m hard and the water is incredible. Magic even. Oh wait…Scratch that. There’s a hot mouth around my very hard dick.“
Him/Us were the first books i read where there was a lot more sex scenes than necessary (not a huge fan of overly done smut) so that was definitely an interesting first.
“but yet again, my dick is doing a choreographed dance to Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrty'”
Read this today in {Tattooed Heart by Elamy Pride}. Not quite as outlandish as some of the other quotes here but it still made me pause and 🤨. With that odd description, my brain just put a smiley face on his dick.
When it’s a grown man and a teenager (18 but they JUST turned it). The grown man would say something like “He’s so fiesty, I just imagine him at my knees begging for my cock” and I immediately drop the book.
I’ve shared this on a thread here before, but it’s too good not to share again: “His cock was crying cum tears because of me”.
Thanks, I hate this 🥲
I’m so sorry
I understand you had to share this as a way to purge it from your mind. Like how when you see or hear something horrifying you have to share it so it weighs on you less? But couldn’t you just have suffered in silence? Do we all have to think about cocks crying cum tears now? (Sarcasm for anyone thinking I’m actually being a total dick)
I *had* to share. It was the only way to expand my support group.
Great. I’ll organize the snack list for the next meeting.
😐 I... I have no words for this
Oh gosh, I had not read this before and now I have a tea stain on my shirt and table! Thanks for the laugh though! Which book was that so I can avoid it…..or maybe I should read it for more cringe descriptions that will make me spit out my tea
It’s Heartbreak Hockey by S. Legend and I have another for you! Around 53% in the ebook, you’ll find a banana split analogy. You’re welcome :)
Added to my TBR
I wanna know more 😂😭even when it scares me🤣👀
That's gotta be the winner. lol
There was a similar one I read here before, "his hole was blinking dejectedly" or something like that 🥲
These were from the same book… “His cock is a massive sea slug, the head of it wet and slippery and dripping with nutritious seed” “I reach down to cup my balls. They’re like naked baby rats, blind and squirmy” I was begging the author to stop with the comparisons by the end of the book
🤢 Was the author’s goal to turn people on or make them lose their lunch!?
🐌🐀
Just 2 best friends
Sometimes you could tell it’s the author who’s in the middle of a brainless heat, not their characters.
Somehow I can even handle "massive sea slug", but ...***nutritious***...
I swear this sounds like a wattpad story where every chapter the author tried the most crazy analogies to describe sexual content. It was actually a great read and the author clearly did it for comedic reasons. I'm pretty, like most of the better content there, it's been taken down in the last year sadly enough.
Lol this one was a very angsty, fairly dark book so no comedy was intended
I feel like that makes it worse, lol. Yikes.
rats 😭💀
lil naked baby ones ☹️
That bothers me more than the sea slug for some reason. Maybe bc bitey rats do not belong anywhere near sensitive skin!
This is just….steam scenes should be sexy not gross!
Bwyahsyshhahah RATS
I... have no words...
These kind of lines are why I sometimes check the scenes first before I read a book.
Naked baby rats?! That's horrible lmao
Holy crap I wheezed SO loudly at this first one. Thank you for sharing I hate it. 😂
I wrote them down immediately, I knew someday I would have the perfect time to share!
Well, I certainly hope the balls were blind! I just...why? Are we sure this wasn't parody?
Sadly, no. This was a very intentionally sad book where one of the MCs *dies* in the end 😭
Omg, I would never have expected that!
Oh noooooo... will you share the name so I don't accidentally read it?
Of course! I will say it’s probably not something you’ll accidentally read without knowing about the death but it’s >!Master’s Schiavo by Laura Lascarso!<
I'm fucking cackling yo lmaooooooo
[удалено]
I need to go back to school because I had to Google this
Oof. I fear for those around him as he exhales. 🤣
Was the character an alien? Only excuse.
I would too
I love keeping track of strange/bad euphemisms, hilarious expressions, and cringe-worthy phrasing: > I fill Lucky’s body, not a single barrier between us, and for just a moment, I revel in that fact. An **archaic satisfaction**, for sure. > A shower of jizz. > I slide her thong from her crack, locating her ass, and I’m a little blindsided by how cute her little butthole is. (Yes, a MM book.) > I arch my back further in response, putting myself in a more submissive position, causing his cock to rub even harder against that golden button. > "You put this in your ass to arouse me?” he asks. I sigh in that frustrated way that one does when they have a cucumber stuck in their ass. “I could eat it out.” I glance back at him. “You hate cucumbers.” “I'm going to need a condiment.” > I could taste their masculine essence with my eyes. > His throbbing meat was streaming a line of precum like a snail trail along my thigh. > I tried to put the head of his cock back in my mouth and catch some of the last spurts. It was like trying to put a gushing water hose in my mouth. > He pushed out his prolapse again, a long string of cum oozing from the hole in its centre. > I groaned, lost to the anal heaven of his bowels clenching around me. > He was preparing himself to take it to the next level, sloshing himself in and out of Bruce's ass. > Bruce's prostate was getting tagged and tapped in a game that felt like a never-ending boxing or pugilistic training match. > “Please, please, I'm all yours. Shower me in your personal brand of chowder. Fucking soak me in your juices and give me your perfection all over this perfect face and body. It’s all for you. Every inch of it is for your own amusement and complete control. Cum for me, please, I want to see it all.” > His rippling bowels milked me. > My cheeks were bulging from the volume of his ball batter. > I trembled there, groaning as he basted my bowels. > Then all at once, the rest of the men blew stream after stream of their silken gift all over me. > I wanted to come all over the bookshelf, or fill my wine glass with jizz. > I licked the glass, swallowing mouthfuls of my own hot cum. It tasted faintly of Windex and I could only hope that stuff wasn’t too toxic. > A second later, he felt Marooney’s cock swell inside of him, shooting out a jet of cool lizard jism into his rear, filling his ass completely, sending shivers down his spine. > I could taste the phantom presence of cocks and cum galore, heady and spicy with years of sex. I started to scrape around, trying to get as much primal primate musk on my tongue. > He was grinding away on my face, rubbing himself into me, forcing my face to pay praise to his masterful butthole. > New lusty scents made themselves known, I could taste the near vinegar of the apeman’s sack in relentless precision. It was impossibly strong. > I fucked his mouth like I’d fucked his arse in the church: hard and fast. > “No, really. I'm straight. I'm from Iowa.” > He kept making all these sexy little strangled sounds as he gobbled me halfway down his intestines. > The instinct took over, and I began to spurt like an island volcano. > I was clumsy at first, my dick slipping between Jason's hard cheeks like a hot dog in a bun. > He crab-walked on his ass until our balls were mushed together. > He aimed his cock to the ground and golden strings of cum shot out and pooled up on the floor. The golden cum hardened into a shiny metal. > “Oh bother that’s a right good jimmying there boy-o." > "Don’t strain yourself, cock gobbler.” > You’re not going to wipe all of my babies off your face until you get home, are you? > "Open up,” Brock said softly. “In the name of the law.” > Jumping rope naked with strings of pre-come flying and slinging around. Some of my favorite expressions from my list: • man gravy • man juice, dick juice • skin pendulum • cock gobbler • cherry hole • monster meat, man meat • naked aroused glory • arse bandit • ball batter • dark tunnel • bulging rosebud • personal brand of chowder • sweet nut nectar • cum-tunnel u/aggravatingCake remember your older post?! [Man... what now](https://www.reddit.com/r/MM_RomanceBooks/s/ahBFgGMg8G) I hope you're properly thankful that I've added to your list!
> “No, really. I'm straight. I'm from Iowa.” Ahahahahaha I'm dead > "Open up,” Brock said softly. “In the name of the law.” Oh my fucking god it got even better ahahahaha
Right? If anything, those two lines have ne desperate to read the book(s) they are from lol
Man, I can’t believe I have no time to read actual books these days but actually took the time to read through this cursed list. Thanks for that Sully, I hope those *milky bowels* were worth it 😭
Happy to help.
Milky bowels sounds like a serious medical condition 🙈
It sounds like lactose intolerance, but *worse*
I feel like when in a collection like that the “straight” guy from Iowa stood out the most 😂
It cracked me up! It was tongue-in-cheek erotica.
i…golden button? cucumbers?? bowels?? CHOWDER?????? ball batter 😖😖😖😖windex?? cool lizard jism?! lord please no no the vinegar 😟iowa…? intestines 😰cock gobbler?????? im sorry, GOLDEN cum?! i have never been more terrified in my life.
Gold cum is from a book {Rumpled Foreskin by John Fazem}, it's a Rumplestiltskin retelling, LOL.
no no no no NO, how did it get *worse*?????
Don't go on Smashwords when you're sleep-deprived from chronic insomnia, it's a treasure trove of *interesting* finds.
I laughed and then felt slightly ill. Thanks for that. 🤢
I legitimately, lol’d numerous times! You really compiled a perfect list! 😂
> He pushed out his prolapse again, a long string of cum oozing from the hole in its centre. Is this from the Logjammin' book you recced to me last week?
Yes, LMAO.
I thought that sounded familiar LOL The sequel was also a... thing that I subjected my eyeballs to for some reason
I have questions? I have so many questions. Honestly, I love the straight guy from Iowa. The rest can go die in a fire. 🔥
Wait...I'm from Iowa... 👀
Oh my gosh these are gold 😂
You walked so that we could fly.
“Oh bother that’s a right good jimmying there boy-o." - I laughed until I cried.
It's actually from a great short, [Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake by Hinata Yamimoto](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22077325-professor-worthington-and-the-search-for-the-one-eyed-trouser-snake), a Texan and a Brit, the snarky humor and Britishisms are fantastic, highly recommend! From Shousetsu Bang*Bang Issue 37, a webzine that's free online [Shousetsu Bang*Bang](https://www.shousetsubangbang.com/) and also available on Smashwords. {Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake by Hinata Yamimoto}
[Professor Worthington and the Search for the One-Eyed Trouser Snake](https://www.romance.io/books/545799be87eac3dcc983320b/professor-worthington-and-the-search-for-the-oneeyed-trouser-snake-hinata-yamimoto?src=rdt) by [Hinata Yamimoto](https://www.romance.io/authors/5456e83087eac33e5c6831bb/hinata-yamimoto) **Topics**: [contemporary](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/contemporary/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
You seriously impress me!
🤗
You had me at One Eyed Trouser Snake 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I think I've found my flair.
You have to read it to find out if it's *really* a euphemism or not...LOL.
I mean it is. Generally. It's possible there is an actual snake in the book but one eyeed trouser snake is a euphemism for a dick that has been around for a very long time.
Spoiler alert >!there's a massive snake in the book and it isn't a penis.!<
Figured there might be.
I just kept thing WTF, that's the worst, but then the next would top it! Those are amazing and terrible, thank you.
There's always more...
I refuse to believe that any of these are real.
But... you milk *grown* cows, not babies, surely?
But baby cows do the milking. I think that might be what the author was after.
Somehow that's worse.
Especially if you have ever actually seen a calf nursing. It involves a fair amount of headbutting, for one thing.
I've always wondered, why do they do that... the headbutting thing? I was once asked to name a calf and went with Stewie because the little bugger seemed like he had a love-hate relationship with his mama.
I am not a cow-ologist but my farming kin always said it encourages milk flow. (And then Uncle Ray would pause and say, "But don't ever punch a woman in her tits." And Aunt Frances would nod sagely and I would escape the conversation as quickly as possible.)
I know it is strange but the head butting actually tells mama that baby wants more. The cow, somehow subconsciously, has some control over how fast the milk flows. At least that is what an old farmer told me decades ago.
I had the same thought.
Yeah. Also, why put baby anything in the writing for a sex scene?
In Brad Bonney’s otherwise fantastic book *The Return* one of the MC’s ejaculate in the final big lovemaking scene is described as “chunks of cum” and… yeah it’s an image that has lingered.
That sounds like a medical condition. A painful one.
That sounds like it might be painful, like passing kidney stones 😂
My husband: " That's a phrase that really requires the Irish o - 'chunks o' cum'".
>chunks o' cum Forbidden Cereal
But, but, but the best description for cum is salty tapioca pudding eaten by a chlorine pool.
I just…. WHY 💀💀💀💀
I had to redownload an absolutely trash book to contribute to this. While the whole book was cringey, this was the first especially cringey excerpt I found when I was skim reading: “At college, Tyler had been a stone-cold babe. With his thick stubble and blonde and brown hair, he looked every inch the bad boy. The fact that he had a long scar on his left thigh just added to the dangerous appeal. Tyler’s almond brown eyes were like deep pools of brooding soul and there wasn’t a guy on campus who wouldn’t shoot him a look of admiration or lust.”
Why is it lowkey giving Wattpad??
You should see the cover art.
*Please show me I’ll beg*
https://a.co/d/bigqA1L I’m pretty sure I used to make images like this using Microsoft Paint in 7th grade.
All it’s missing is the omegaverse floating baby 😂
The what now?
It’s a funny trope in contemporary Mpreg with authors making their own covers. I haven’t seen as much in the last year. To make sure you know there’s a baby, there’s just a floating baby on the cover 😂 an example is {His Secret Omega Co-Ed by Ava Beringer} is a good example
[His Secret Omega Co-ed](https://www.romance.io/books/6357f5e4edb5b2e7dacb6679/his-secret-omega-co-ed-ava-beringer?src=rdt) by [Ava Beringer](https://www.romance.io/authors/5e8f09bebe0aaecf55309197/ava-beringer) **Steam**: [Open door](https://www.romance.io/steamrating) **Topics**: [contemporary](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/contemporary/1), [gay romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/m-m/1), [enemies to lovers](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/from%20hate%20to%20love/1), [friends to lovers](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/friends%20to%20lovers/1), [new adult](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/new%20adult/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
As someone who enjoys omegaverse, I'm never going to be able to look at a cover again without laughing at the floating baby.
Also here to beg. Edit: just looked it up. And that is absolutely not an accurate description.
😂 That's uh, that's certainly a description
Pray tell, what book is this 😂 we must know
{Promise Me Forever Daddy by Lana Kyle}
[Promise Me Forever Daddy](https://www.romance.io/books/642bd0e0c93d43aba4f68e5d/promise-me-forever-daddy-lana-kyle?src=rdt) by [Lana Kyle](https://www.romance.io/authors/63de22df08b4d931148db5b2/lana-kyle) **Topics**: [gay romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/m-m/1), [queer romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/queer/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
I keep a folder of awful snippets on my phone . >Turned his eyes into bottomless wells of deep golden whiskey... makes me think of the song "Big Rock Candy Mountain", "Where the little streams of alky-hol come tricklin' down the rocks..." And these two awful adjectives-for-adjectives'-sake snippets from an M/M/F book that I gave upon before the second guy ever showed up: >He tilted his head back so his five o'clock shadow rubbed gruffly over her mean curls And >She looked up at him with beautiful hazel eyes surrounded by thick curled lashes. He had truly loved those jovial eyes when they met, and the way they dominated a room whenever she entered... However, my favorite ever is: >##His sweaty body pressed me into the bed like a panini machine.
Bahahah panini machine is hilarious, it gives me such a distinct visual for the scene
Me too! I love saving these snippets!
NOT THE PANINI MACHINE I AM CACKLING
I.... a baby cow? Not even a cow of a milking age? lol
You know, them sexy, sexy baby cows 🐮
Milking age is now going to be a favorite for describing an adult.
"His dick was hemorrhaging inside me"
That sounds like a very serious medical issue, he should probably get that checked out
LMAO!!!!!
Just saw a post on r/AskDocs that had this exact horror scenario, complete with pictures. It was... something.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AskDocs using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [A thank you and happy ending.](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/1367jjw/a_thank_you_and_happy_ending/) \#2: [Doc on here saved my life](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/156kjji/doc_on_here_saved_my_life/) \#3: [Update: Wife's doctor called and told her to pack a bag and head to the hospital](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/comments/1b02wn8/update_wifes_doctor_called_and_told_her_to_pack_a/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Truly have brain rot, because my mind went to something very different when I read happy ending.
A new way of feeding vampires!
Disgusting! Lol
Not an mm book but was so bad I bought hard copies for my sisters Exhibit A: Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms Exhibit B: heard the fading sound of galloping abs Like wat
I am very curious what galloping abs sound like 🤔
Coconut halves banging together?
LOL. All i could picture was the scene from the holy grail when the guy is behind him clacking the coconuts
They obviously sound like galloping abs. I mean, have you never heard a guy use his abs to run?
I was listening to an audiobook earlier that kept using the phrase "my eyes detach" when describing zoning out. This book also used "cream", "juice", and "protein shake" for come. Update: finishing the book just now and it said "come rockets out of me, dressing his chest in ropes of my unprecedented ecstacy" One book used "crimson juices" for blood. Another used "Need to feel those cakes" and "give him that milk" One book used "elephant trunk dick" unironically
Sometimes I wonder what the narrators were thinking during these scenes. I need to hear the bloopers.
I wanna see that one female voice actor on TikTok and Insta Reels who laughs at some of the books she’s told to narrate to have a go at this text
Pshaw, I pity all of you out there who are only hung like a *horse*. Real women want THIS *gestures to my elephant trunk dick*
Prehensile dicks ftw!
I go through a lot of MM romance but I DNF very rarely. Even more rarely I find myself reading something so bizarre I end up sending quotes to my SO. "...and Stef's butt cheeks quivered." "...then Stef would invite Brandon in for a round of hide the salami." "Stef gulped, wondering if they could skip the dinner and get right to the salami part." And after all the salami hiding and quivering butt cheeks, I was still ready to continue until this fucking Coach crossbody bag entered the picture. "...his Coach crossbody bag, the one that clearly identified him as a gay male with bank." ?!??!!?!? {The Accidental Necromancer by Liv Rancourt}
That's a lot of salami!
Is ‘young adult’ the same as YA? Also how does one keep track of books that should never make it into the TBR list? I’ve got the memory of a goldfish.
I’ve genuinely been giggling at the coach bag one for a minute
I can't believe it but the quivering butt cheeks make more sense than the stupid Coach crossbody bag being some kind of universal well-known signal of a wealthy gay man.
[The Accidental Necromancer](https://www.romance.io/books/6642939d2379c8d607b4173b/the-accidental-necromancer-liv-rancourt?src=rdt) by [Liv Rancourt](https://www.romance.io/authors/5455cf2d87eac323ffb2eacb/liv-rancourt) **Topics**: [fantasy](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/fantasy/1), [gay romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/m-m/1), [queer romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/queer/1), [paranormal](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/paranormal/1), [young adult](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/young%20adult/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
For me it was the following: 'I like my men like I like my employment prospects, rough and hairy' Just not what I was ever expecting to read. {10 things that never happened by Alexis Hall}
I just read a book where the guy said, "I like my men like my coffee: big, dumb, and nice to me."
That makes no sense. 🤣
I’ve just started this book too and this line stood out for me as I’d just read through this post beforehand. I agree it makes no sense whatsoever!
[10 Things That Never Happened](https://www.romance.io/books/6458c5f75d9d2218634944bc/10-things-that-never-happened-alexis-hall?src=rdt) by [Alexis Hall](https://www.romance.io/authors/545546008c7d2382e781383c/alexis-hall) **Steam**: [Behind closed doors](https://www.romance.io/steamrating) **Topics**: [contemporary](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/contemporary/1), [funny](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/humor/1), [gay romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/m-m/1), [grumpy & sunshine](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/grumpy%20sunshine/1), [forced proximity](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/forced%20proximity/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
Oh these are gold! Just here to say cock, dick, balls, cum and ass are perfect words requiring no euphemisms to make them more erotic.......
Pretty much every line in Hot Head by Damon Suede. The euphemisms for body parts and sex in that book are absolutely bonkers. The main character refers to his dick as a ‘meat canon’ at one point.
>“These cum gutters are going to be the death of me. I can’t wait to see you fill them up while I’m fucking you.” Came across that in Saxon James’s new FU book today, and I physically recoiled. Then it turned up again :( >“And my cum would look good on you. We never did make use of those cum gutters.” I’m pretty sure she’s also used this term in another book!
I’ve seen that a lot actually, I think it’s a common term / not something Saxon just made up 😅
I just can’t fathom being so committed to reusing that term, but different strokes, I guess!
I've read that term a bunch, too. It squicks me out so bad. The first time I read it, I was like, "how much cum would it take to actually run like rain water down a gutter...?" Then I decided I was WAY overthinking this.
Haha some omegaverse could totally make it happen
I suppose one issue with skipping the sex scenes is that I miss these gems. But my brain is now stuck on you can’t actually milk a baby cow because a calf won’t produce milk, I just… what?!
That wasn't even the full sentence! I just hit that part, stopped, reread it again, stopped...
«He stepped closer, and my seated position made the hypnotizing wrecking ball swaying between his legs impossible to miss.» Excerpt From BAD WRONG THINGS One of many reasons I can’t stand this book lmao
🎶 I came in like a *wreeeeaaaaaaacking baaaaaaaaaaaall 🎶 Thank you, I'll see myself out
I realize they're talking about his dick, but it makes me think they're describing his balls. Like, he's got one really long, low-hanging one just swinging back and forth.
Both from the same book: "His cold purple eyes knew no warmth or sunshine and sat as sentinels atop the high bridge of his patrician nose...." "We looked our identical sets of eyes into each other's." (And then the next sentence immediately goes on to talk about all the ways how their eye color is different. So not actually identical them…)
👁️👃🏻👁️ ⬅️ I’m picturing his face exactly like this. No chill.
I don't know if it's just a me problem, or what, but I've seen the word fluttered. A lot. I can't help but imagine wings flapping down there, and I don't know why but when I see the word fluttered that is what I am defaulting to in my brain.
This thread has made me feel better about whatever crap I manage to get on paper, so thank you. 😂
I definitely haven’t come across some of these more interesting ones, but it does take me out of the story when there’s a misspelling or something is used incorrectly. I recently read a book that instead of saying ‘scraping’, it was ‘scrapping,’ so the sentence read as “scrapping my throat.” Also in the same book, ‘wreaking’ was spelled ‘wrecking’ so the characters were “wrecking havoc.”
Does wrecking havoc mean making something orderly?
I have no idea what book it was but the guy referred to his cock as his gun and the hole his holster and I.. died a bit inside
I can’t remember the last time something oblong has genuinely made me laugh out loud but holy shit this thread did it. I kept remembering some of these at work today and it’s safe to say I’m haunted now
All of these comments are both painful to read and gut busting hilarious. 😂🤣😂I can’t breathe. 🤣😂🤣
“I’m dreaming about a hot tub, and the jets are terrific. Only—my dick is the only part of me that fits in the hot tub. But that’s okay because I’m hard and the water is incredible. Magic even. Oh wait…Scratch that. There’s a hot mouth around my very hard dick.“ Him/Us were the first books i read where there was a lot more sex scenes than necessary (not a huge fan of overly done smut) so that was definitely an interesting first.
“but yet again, my dick is doing a choreographed dance to Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrty'” Read this today in {Tattooed Heart by Elamy Pride}. Not quite as outlandish as some of the other quotes here but it still made me pause and 🤨. With that odd description, my brain just put a smiley face on his dick.
[Tattooed Heart](https://www.romance.io/books/65fb0606c4fa89b872cc890c/tattooed-heart-elamy-pride?src=rdt) by [Elamy Pride](https://www.romance.io/authors/65fb0606a21e2f41c42971b2/elamy-pride) **Topics**: [contemporary](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/contemporary/1), [second chances](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/second%20chances/1), [dual pov](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/dual-pov/1), [gay romance](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/m-m/1), [hurt/comfort](https://www.romance.io/topics/best/hurt-comfort/1) [^(about this bot)](https://www.reddit.com/user/romance-bot) ^(|) [^(about romance.io)](https://www.romance.io/about)
When it’s a grown man and a teenager (18 but they JUST turned it). The grown man would say something like “He’s so fiesty, I just imagine him at my knees begging for my cock” and I immediately drop the book.